Z – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
ZARDOZ (1974)
In the far flung future, Sean Connery is a manipulated mutant who gets wise to his flyin’ head fer a god, Zardoz, and discovers his savage world is really at the mercy of a buncha froufrou immortals livin’ in a utopian bubble he plots to pop while they study his hard-ons. Callin’ this flick weird is an understatement, Scream Freaks! While this sucker presents a unique ‘nough idea fer a memorable sci-fi flick and cleverly casts the original James Bond to keep me invested in his character’s fate, it’s narrative’s a little all over the place and unravels into a tolerance testin’ mess by the final act that feels like three different endin’s. Aside from the everlastin’ overlords happily beggin’ for death like it’s candy and the goofy mastermind behind Zardoz hammin’ it up fer the screen, my favorite part is Connery sayin’, “Potatoes?” Boobs on horseback, gunshots to the face, geezer, time travelin’, magic crystal nonsense, hitch hikin’ in gun vomittin’ stone heads angry at evil penises, forced farmin’, psychic attacks, plant eatin’ defenses, naked folks in baggies, laboratory prisms, forehead crystals, know-it-all rings, horn dog inducin’ sweat, jump cuttin’ family portraits, garden party massacres, geezer parties, and Connery in a dress! 3/5!
ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996)
If you’re lookin’ for a guy in a rubber monster suit breakin’ shit, then skip to the last 5 minutes of this people heavy flick and call it quits. Seriously, the whole movie is a tiny alien teeny bopper telling a postal worker he’s been chosen to defeat a monster they dumped on Earth for the hell of it, and he spends the whole movie just beggin’ people to help him. Laser proof shields, monsters protected by animal activists, FBI disguises, makin’ friends at gunpoint, mountain destroyin’ intros, cities destroyed, cryptzoologists, crippled hackers who won’t pay for your meals, over the top hick sheriffs, and BARELY any monster. 2/5!
Z
OMBEAK (2006)
A group of comical Satanists kidnap a trailer trash hooters waitress to be Satan’s bride, but when her redneck friends come to rescue her, they accidentally trap Satan in a sacrificial chicken that’s peckin’ pissed and out for blood and eye balls! This is one of those movies that’s so borderline for bein’ so bad it’s good, it’s not even funny. A humorous enough script with good characters and decent effects, the movie’s most unbearable trait is the cast’s actin’ that leaves you rootin’ for the Saturday Night Live chicken prop to kill them all off. Mommy issues, extreme backwoods justice, Satanic pregnancies, possessions, zombie chickens, eyes pecked out, Hot Topic shoppers, baby fetish brutes, gunshots to the head, guts eaten out, white trash chivalry, and axes to pregos! 2/5!
ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)
When the infamous Jon Mikl Thor from Rock’n Roll Nightmare is runover by spoiled teens, a yodelin’ voodoo witch brings him back to life as a stumblin’ zombie ready to serve his killers some vigilante justice with a baseball bat. As bad as folks may pan this flick, I think it’s pretty damn entertainin’. The script’s sturdy enough, the story’s wonderfully nutty, the performances are fine cheese, and you get to rock out to one kick-ass soundtrack. Biggest thing I’d fault this oddity for is its loss of momentum toward the end when Thor prematurely kills the guy who actually ran him over, leavin’ him with second string baddies to chase the rest of the flick. Hit and runs, stabbin’s, voodoo zombie resurrections, Haitian wardrobes that look Asian, hot tub scenes with clothes on, ’80s club scenes, attempted rape, head crushin’, gym chases, convenient store robbery rescues, victims who refuse to call the police, spaghetti sandwiches thrown in moms’ faces, confusin’ly shot cruises around town, make-out sessions on the tennis court, girls strangled with bats, guys impaled with baseball bats, smashed faces, and Adam West plays a crooked cop who gets yanked down to hell by a zombie! 3/5!
ZOMBIE TIDAL WAVE (2019)
An ocean’s worth of zombies are escapin’ an underwater research vessel, and tsunamis are crashin’ them into a nearby island where Ian Ziering and his friends fight to turn the tide with taser rigged knives and explosives. Another imaginative mash-up between monsters and natural disasters from the creators of Sharknado, this Syfy flick boasts charmingly cheesy effects and wacky action, but it never delivers a truly “Wow” moment I feel sets it much apart from other generic zombie flicks full of tail-chasin’ plots and mediocre-kills. It comes close to makin’ a name for itself with its heroes’ choice of weapons to kill the undead, but this will be more memorable as the zombie flick where the walkin’ rot can actually swim and fight! Pied piper maneuvers, zombie chain electrocutin’, infectious bitin’, two zombie tidal waves, zombie maulin’, hospital massacres, boatin’ massacres, beach massacres, downtown bazooka action, girlfriend sacrificin’ dicks, unplugged ukulele performances for the dead, Fulci concerts, careless firework displays, explosions, severed arms, electric charged knifes, big-ass machetes, corporation cover-ups, biological warfare, zombie fist-fightin’, scuba divers turned chum, explodin’ heads, impalement, and a line of zombies take turns gettin’ and propeller to the face! 4/5!
ZOMBIES VS STRIPPERS (2012)
A zombie outbreak finds its way into a hole in the wall tiki strip joint called the Tough Titty, and its adult entertainers must survive herds of the undead while rakin’ in a mother load of cash from chumps wantin’ to party like it’s the end of the world. If you enjoyed Zombie Strippers, you’ll enjoy this Full Moon skin flick full of well written characters, believable situations, and bountiful eye candy. I only wish I could see it made with a bigger budget! Gooey zombie bites, undead dentures, fatal mosh pits, holy role playin’, ass bitin’, undead Hambo cameos, face rippin’, zombie on zombie bangin’ and eatin’, methhead robots, biker warriors, strip teases, pole dancin’, big boobs, little boobs, tan boobs, black boobs, white boobs, Thriller gags, human torches, ear bitin’, and high heel clubs! 4/5!
ZONE TROOPERS (1985)
American G.I.s end up behind enemy lines in Italy circa World War 2 and defend a stranded bug eyed alien from probe happy Nazis. A solid two-fisted tale for all ages, its performers have an uncanny chemistry you can’t deny, and the alien tech is a fond nod to sci-fi designs of yesteryear. I only wish I could have seen this made with a bigger budget for more war action! Hologram make-out sessions, tobacco snacks, egg naps, fugly femaliens, larger than life wind-up toys, space rays, pop shots at Hitler, tanks, troublesome reporters, and Tim Thomerson’s greatest performance as Sarge! 4/5!
Screaming Soup! 