R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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SOMETHING EVIL (1972)

A folk artsy wife convinces her pushover of a husband to purchase a random farm house they picnic in front of and instantly regrets it as a cryin’ satanic jar of glow-in-the-dark jelly taunts her with wind machines and the possession of one of her young’ns. Director Steven Spielberg’s second swing at a TV movie that pales in comparison to his work on Duel, this flick is a bit of a snooze with very little escalation of danger and fails to properly set-up the wife for me to definitively see the difference in her before and after she encounters paranormal nuisances. Darren McGavin’s magnetic charm helps inject some energy into this stale tale, but he’s unfortunately stuck playin’ second banana to the hysterically homely wife. Possessions, fatal freefallin’ geezers, child abuse, chicken swingin’, magic circles, evil lights, fatal car wrecks, homemade evil-wardin’ jewelry, creeper neighbors, and sing-song commercial shoots! 2/5! 

FANTASY ISLAND (2020)

Based on the classic TV show, a gang of contest winners are flown to a remote island where its overseer, Mr. Roarke, turns their deepest desires into reality. When their dream vacation turns into a twisted nightmare, however, they suspect they’re really part of someone else’s revenge fantasy. First off, for you Fantasy Island fans out there, this flick could actually fall in line with the original series if ya just imagine Michael Pena as someone who found the island and somehow assumed the role of the original Mr. Roarke. Other than that, the island still serves as an exotic escape for tourists, fantasies are still tainted by ironic twists and self awakenin’s, and Mr. Roarke is still a gracious host but forced to indulge one person’s dark fantasy thanks to the new origin behind the island’s powers the filmmakers felt necessary to include which is somethin’ the TV show never explained. There’s zip boobs and gore, and the plot’s a little hard to follow, but still a worthy watch that doesn’t shit on its source material. Wishin’ water, fantasy rocks, eyeball poppin’, panic rooms full of bikinis, lotta firefightin’, masked home invadin’, off the chain pool parties, time travelin’, torture chambers, stappled mouths, fatal freefalls, cave mazes, explosions, drownin’ reunions, covert jungle missions, resurrections, evil doppelgangers, electro shock, bullets to the head and chest, flame engulfed flashbacks, and Michael Rooker as a filthy P.I.! 3/5!   

CUPID (2020)

A bullied teen summons a demonic Cupid on Valentine’s Day for payback on some mean girls at school but accidentally curses her teachers and classmates in the process. Now, she has ’til midnight to beat a 24 hours curse and save everyone from bein’ pumped with poison arrows. A lot like an episode of Supernatural without the Winchesters, this is a solid watch with a decent ‘nough cast, story, and effects, but tarnations, Cupid’s makeup looks awful save for his wings. Arrows to the eyes, sawed off arms with unconvincin’ reactions, fast spreadin’ infections, restroom stall murders, throttlin’ specters, love spells, long winded storybook expositions, and arrows through the face! 3/5! 

COUNTDOWN (2019)

In what could be called Final Destination meets The Asphyx, there’s a mysterious new app that tells ya when yer gonna die, and when one nurse uses it to cheat her expiration, she pisses off a demonic force that’ll ensure she meets her appointment on time. The concept of a killer app may not sound like all it’s cracked up to be, but the filmmakers do a phenomenal job deliverin’ a horror movie full of likable characters, tense situations, well placed humor, and one genuinely creepy lookin’ monster. Only thing that can make this sweeter are some gorier deaths. Human roadkill, demonic assassinations, airborne doctors, sarcastic hackers, sexual harassment in the workplace, anxious priests, salt circles, shape shiftin’ trickery, fatal freefalls, suicidal injections, resurrections, spooky spoonin’, and DUI wrecks! 4/5! 

DOOR IN THE WOODS (2019)

After installin’ a mysterious door they find chained in the woods, a family’s home becomes a gateway to a young’n lovin’ booga boo, and they gotta call in a deaf cowboy shaman to negotiate the return of their son. A decent flick that might’ve worked better as a short, I’m torn ‘tween how long but engagin’ the last chunk of the movie is with the shaman’s repeated failures to make contact with the spirit world which I gotta admit is a clever way to pad the runnin’ time with my new favorite movie psychic. The only real sours I think are worth bitchin’ ’bout is how disappointin’ the spirit world is after bein’ hyped for over 10 minutes, and how the dad looks bored outta his skull while witnessin’ supernatural phenomena he never had much belief in. Hicks with all the exposition, packs of ghost young’ns, toy car seances, possessions, booga boo bargainin’, salt circles, automatic writin’, all new Ouija board tricks, and dirty hands from beyond the veil! 3/5!

AFTERPARTY aka SLASHER PARTY (2019)

I’m not quite sure where the original party started or was even ’bout, but a gang of social media influencers show up for an after party at some impressive digs in the California hills and start bein’ picked off by an emoji face slasher tryin’ to thin the herd of celebrity posers. If there’s one thang this Gravitas Ventures released bummer doesn’t deliver, it’s a party atmosphere. More like strangers hangin’ ’round a waitin’ room, there ain’t much of anyone to rally for, the filmmakers take their time with the kills, and the endin’ leaves a dissatisfyin’ aftertaste. Best part besides the eye candy that makes this worth watchin’ is Shark, the charmin’ drug dealer who knows how to roll some joints. Stabbin’s galore, big tata flashin’, sucky rappin’, bullets to the head, auto ambushes, hands in garbage disposals, conspiracy theories, booger sugar, girl on girl lip lockin’, and throat slittin’! 3/5! 

NIGHT KILLER (1990)

In one of the most absurd flicks I’ve ever laughed so uncontrollably at, some perverted psycho killer in a Halloween mask is unbelievably punchin’ holes through women in Virginia Beach, but one gal he rapes manages to get away and suffers from some kinda weird amnesia that makes her suicidal. Luckily (or maybe not), an angry horn dog we assume is the killer scoops her up and hides her at his place ’til some kinky mind fuckin’ jars her memory of their first encounter. This is one of ’em ridiculous kinda obscurities I really wish I could have been on set for to see just what the filmmakers were thinkin’ when makin’ this farce of an erotic psychological slasher. Its intention feels serious, but the lead actors comically play their scenes like they’re continuously tryin’ to one up each other’s craziness. And while all its awkward moments, silly conversations, edits full of continuity errors, and unnecessary nudity can certainly hurt it, Night Killer’s biggest sour is actually its stock music soundtrack invokin’ the wrong atmosphere in nearly every scene. Boobs, ready to pop nipples, BDSM, master/slave relations, dirty phone calls, cops operatin’ on five minute schedules, kidnappin’, pill poppin’ picnics on the beach, ocean water rescues, restroom strippin’, speedo streakin’, cat callin’ road rage down dead end streets, what I’m guessin’ is bad improv, unsynchronized spastic dancin’, topless reflections on life, possible supernatural possessions, deluded wannabe parents, young’ns too ol’ to be called babies, some of the best gun-in-mouth actin’ I’ve ever seen, Little Red Ridin’ Hood turn ons, wax drownin’, Loomis wannabes, and a cop so brave, he doesn’t need backup to catch a serial killer! 3/5! 

PAGANINI HORROR (1989)

Needin’ a new sound to get their bitch of a manager off their back, an Italian pop band purchases a never heard sheet of music by an infamous violinist and accidentally resurrects the undead slasher when shootin’ a music video to the cursed tune at his ol’ digs. This flick starts strong, but drags midway through ‘fore wrappin’ everythin’ up with a head scratchin’ endin’ that seems to suggest Donald Pleasence is more the villain than Paganini is. There’s some sweet tunes, over the top carnage, delicious eye candy, and a memorable killer, but the story just gets too heady for its own good. Scary music video shoots, violins with trick knives, explodin’ cars, lotta excitement over mannequins, supernatural illusions, electrocutions in the bathtub, skin bubblin’ beauties covered in violin fungus, big crack traps, ghosts, stabbin’s, evil young’ns, squished funny face deaths, shockin’ force fields, bass case firetraps, glow in the dark hourglasses, and defeats by sunlight! 3/5!

D-RAILED (2018)

It’s Halloween night and a bunch of yahoos are enjoyin’ a ride on a murder mystery train ’til some back stabbin’ thieves cause ’em all to fly off the tracks into beast infested waters. While the cast, camerawork, and monster effects are commendable, this little flick that could suffers from a compartmentalized script that makes it feel like I’m watchin’ a different movie every half hour. It starts out a crime thriller, turns into a disaster flick and then takes a hard right into a cabin in the woods horror ‘fore wrappin’ up with one of ’em bullshit twist endin’s it could really do without. Still a fun watch, regardless. Train wrecks, almost Pirates of the Caribbean level double crossin’, train robbin’, butterfinger sea beasts, monstrous maulin’s, arm rippin’, bullets to the head, misfire massacres, sardine snackin’, ghosts, haunted train cars, eye poppin’ heads eaten whole, and a blip of a cameo by Lance Henriksen! 3/5!

GAGS THE CLOWN (2018)

After a creepy balloon totin’ clown named Gags is spotted roamin’ the streets of a small Wisconsin city at night, a handful of folks wanna exploit the viral sensation but end up chasin’ after their own big top death. Loosely inspired by the harmless sightin’s of Wrinkles the Clown in Florida, the narrative of this character driven horror is a little all over the place with the different gangs of people meanderin’ most the night in their search for Gags, but I think that lends itself to the realism the filmmaker were strivin’ for. The only distractin’ sour is how Gags is presented like a found footage flick someone cut together, but the filmmakers take liberties with shots inserted from all kinds of unexpected camera angles like ATMS and security cams as if we’re an omnipotent force watchin’ this go down. Not the scariest clown movie I’ve seen, but the cast is easily entertainin’, and there’s ‘nough supernatural stuff goin’ on to keep me interested. Exploding black balloons, vigilante podcasters, sassy reporters, clown imposters, house parties, self mutilation, fire fights with cops, mysterious circus tents, white powder sickness, paranormal clown tunes, fatal freefalls, head shots, bullets to the chest, over exposed boobs, and one awesome explodin’ balloon doll death! 3/5!

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