R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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THE GRUDGE (2020)

A sideways sequel to the original 2004 Grudge with a plot right outta Grudge 3, some poor woman’s haunted all the way back to ‘merica by our favorite shower spook and kills her whole family in a fit of possessed rage that creates an all new family of Grudge ghosts. Now, an overachievin’ cop’s gotta catch up to what the audience already knows and solve a series of murders and suicides the angry dead’s responsible for whenever folks enter their cursed abode. Kudos to the filmmakers for excellent lightin’ and make-up effects, but this whole thing is soured by its divided points of view that rob it of any meaningful character for us to follow from beginnin’ to end, and the confusin’ logic behind the next generation of pissed off spirits is a little confusin’. Like, should the mom be cursed as a Grudge ghost if it was really the pissed off spirit from Asia that possessed her to violently kill her family? Not a terrible movie, but certainly the weakest in Grudge’s ‘merican series. Prego killin’, severed fingers, human water balloons, fatal freefalls, attempted bullet swallowin’ suicides, filthy tub scares, shower hair scares, ooze vomittin’, arm rupturin’, cars full of corpses, rottin’ husbands, house fires, shapeshiftin’ tricks, eye gougin’, drownin’, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

CLOWNDOLL (2019)

In this Chucky sorta knock-off, a serial killer’s spirit inhabits a big-ass clown doll and steadily frames his new prego owner for the murder of her friends and family. A surprisin’ little flick I completely underestimated, this European horror may echo a lotta other killer doll movies I’ve seen ‘fore, but it manages to stand out in an already crowded toybox thanks to a compellin’ last girl and effectively creepy slasher the filmmakers strategically film with thoughtful edits. Sequel worthy in my opinion. Pencils through hands, human matchsticks, electrocutin’ baths, hangin’s, supernatural strangers callin’ from inside the house, pill poppin’, roofies, knives to the noggin, and possible twist endin’ possessed babies?! 4/5! 

THE RAKE (2018)

Two traumatized siblin’s reunite for their foster sister’s housewarmin’, but their childhood boogeyman, the Rake, crashes the party for some long overdue bloodshed. Featurin’ a solid cast of diverse characters, well paced edits, and one helluva monster whose design reminds me of Pumpkinhead, this is one of the better flicks I’ve seen based on a Creepypasta monster. The only sour is the foster sister’s frustrated husband who I think the filmmakers want us to dislike, but his asshole moments feel unjustified and over the top without the troubled siblin’ he’s upset with doin’ somethin’ more severe than bein’ a Debbie Downer at the party. Eye gougin’, disembowelin’, home invasions, psychic viruses, wine cellar scares, throat slittin’, semi-possessed suicides, and monstrous skin-rippin’ transformations that give Nightmare on Elm Street 2 a run for its money! 3/5!

SATANIC PANIC (2019)

After a fed-up delivery chick gets stiffed on a tip deliverin’ pizzas to a ritzy neighborhood, she demands change for gas and ends up hunted by a devil worshippin’ cult of fat cats wantin’ her virgin womb to birth their favorite demon. A stylishly fun flick full of eye candy and gore, this is one of ’em rare times I get to enjoy a likable hero worth rootin’ for and a villain I can’t get ‘nough of. Especially when that villain is portrayed by the sinfully statuesque Rebecca Romijn, deliverin’ one of the most memorable characters of her career. The only sour I’m disappointed by is the surprisin’ lack of monster action. We’ll see hellish creatures every now and ‘gain, but the flyin’ pot roast is replaced with a cheap bed sheet, and I swear the entire demon rape clip at the end is removed. Unexpected rabbit magic, instant pregos, dirty voodoo tricks, devil powered drownin’s, killdos, electrocutions, poisoned sodas, impalement, head stabbin’, inside out pukin’, intestinal readin’s, body scribble defenses, resurrections, attempted rape, heart removal through open neck wounds, satanic orgies full of boobs, salt circles, botched devil rituals, bunny snacks, little demonic girls, golden shower propositions, bullets to the neck, decapitations, and blood suckin’ hearts cooked to monstrous size! 4/5!

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019)

Completely re-imaginin’ the ’74 classic, this new spin on one of the first Christmas horror movies is ’bout a sorority house of  pissed off ladies fightin’ a supernatural frat house of Dr. Doom lookalikes carryin’ out the death wish of male chauvinist ooze. Personally, I think this movie’s too bogged down in its battle of the sexes message. Instead of givin’ me dynamic characters with depth I can care and root for, everyone’s annoyingly flat with personalities that can only be identified by their feelin’s toward the opposite gender. There’s a handful of visual nods to the other Black Christmas movies from the colorful lightin’ to the pace of deaths, but too serious to be nearly as fun. Suffocation by plastic, slime spewin’ busts, possessions, stabbin’s, Christmas carol paybacks, neck snappin’, attempted rape, snow that looks like sand, throat slittin’, sorority house massacres, and frat house infernos! 3/5! 

VFW (2019)

In a future where an illegal street drug is tearin’ the world apart, a bar full of bad ass veterans fight like the Alamo ‘gainst a pissed off army of punk junkies after a stash of narcotics hidden in their drinkin’ hole. For starters, this is one sweet ensemble of veteran actors bringin’ their A game to a well constructed montage of gory action. Everyone’s distinct and memorable, the bloodshed’s over the top without bein’ overdone, and the film’s infused with this retro vibe that makes it all feel like a rediscovered gem from the ’80s. The only things I feel are worth bitchin’ ’bout is the heavy use of color filters kinda bleedin’ everythin’ together, and how lame the druggies are for folks supposedly pumped on somethin’ comparable to PCP. It certainly didn’t add to Fred Williamson’s fight scene at the end when he face plants the stuff. Shotguns to the head, impalement, skull stompin’, face shatterin’ knees to the face, booby trapped bars, strangulation, firin’ squad executions, half severed arms, piggyback stabbin’s, explodin’ heads, human water balloons, fatal freefalls, fatal car wrecks, flamin’ bags of drugs, circular saw action, chainsaws through the windshield, lynch mobs, and bar talk ’bout pussy hair! 4/5! 

CAMP COLD BROOK (2018)

In an effort to save his spook chasin’ reality show from cancellation, Chad Michael Murray banks everythin’ on a haunted camp no one’s heard of for his piece de resistance, but his TV crew underestimates the number of unhappy ghost campers bound to the grounds by a big boobed witch’s unfinished ritual to revive her roadkill daughter. Spoilers ahead, this top shelf production starts off strong with terrific performances from Chad and Danielle Harris but falls apart storywise as soon as they arrive at the camp with minimum interactions ‘mong characters, weak escalation of danger, and a twist that makes less sense than the ulterior plot that’s revealed. Without a head injury, how can Chad simply forget bein’ present for such a huge massacre, and how was he not found in any research of the camp as one of the only survivors? The other survivor’s been livin’ with the witch’s ghost hauntin’ her for 20 years with seemingly no problem, so why’s she suddenly hot to do whatever it takes to be rid of her? How or when did the witch even die, and why is she still after sacrifices for resurrectin’ her daughter if they’re both on the other side of the grave now? Was the witch killed by the campers’ parents Nightmare on Elm Street style, ’cause I feel like that musta been a cut scene that was alluded to near the end? Splash splash falls, spiritual photography, hunts for magic symbols, loop de loop nature trails, neck snappin’, mass drownin’s, head bashin’, Blair Witch nods, and bunks of young’ns goin’ ape shit under some suicide spell! 2/5!

THE HUNT (2020)

Some highfalutin fat cats are pissed and steal a page from The Most Dangerous Game to take their anxiety out on a handful of regular folks they hunt for murderous satisfaction. Problem is, one of their victims turns out to be an unstoppable spaz faced killin’ machine who’ll stop at nothin’ ’til they’re all dead. Not a lot of story or even tension to this familiar plot. Just an hour and a half of a bad ass beauty effortlessly tearin’ through amateur game hunters without breakin’ a sweat ’til one epic cat fight with Hillary Swank at the end that puts Kill Bill throwdowns to shame. Junk food violence for the brain, and we loved every second of it! Head explodin’, shot up piggies, bunker massacres, shotguns to the chest, poisonous gases, poisoned donuts, death by arrows, trunks full of bodies, human roadkill, neck stabbin’s, twisted new takes on the tortoise and the hare story, kitchen appliance impalement, first aid with a creme brulee torch, and grilled cheese victory meals! 4/5!

DON’T LET THEM IN (2020)

Two social workers spend Halloween checkin’ on a recently released murderer livin’ in his family’s abandoned hotel and are surrounded by masked demons needin’ to fulfill a satanic ritual started years earlier. Mediocre at best, this European flick’s savin’ grace is the comedic liveliness of the male social worker who serves as the sensible everyman viewers can relate to. Not to say there ain’t a little tension with pops of face splatterin’ gore, but the endin’ does drag a little with everythin’ wrapped up in a slightly complex twist. Decapitations, stabbin’s, last stand hotels, demons in the cellar, back stabbin’ betrayals, eye gougin’, hitch hikin’ regrets, and demonic lynch mobs! 3/5! 

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)

To end a college girl’s fear of clowns, an ice cream man gives her a heads up he’s sickin’ a demonically cursed jokester named Ribcage after her on a specific date and time to end her grease face fueled misery. While this low-budget flick’s fun to watch with believable ‘nough characters, the rules are kinda all over the place and don’t make the most sense. Like the whole movie is a countdown to Ribcage’s attack on the girl, yet he’s attackin’ her the whole movie! Not to mention his demise as a supernatural powerhouse is ’bout as pathetic as Pennywise bein’ ridiculed to death in It. Still worth checkin’ out, though! Human roadkill, deceptive nightmare visions, dead dog meals, nods to It with lotta explodin’ blood balloons, arrows to the back, vengeful fathers, face full of bile, lotta grabbin’, ice cream shop massacres, disembowelin’, and pitiful box knife stabbin’ finales! 3/5!

SCHOOL OF THE DAMNED (2019)

A idealistic principle uses a class of mentally superior brats for controllin’ his grade school with psychic powers, but when their temper tantrums start turnin’ up dead bodies on a daily basis, one teach takes it upon himself to try and stop ’em. A bit of slow burn, this European horror none the less keeps me engaged from beginnin’ to end, and boasts a convincin’ cast with some unexpected death scenes that were pretty sweet. Only sour I can think of are the distractin’ wigs the evil young’ns wear. Brooms shoved from mouth to anus, stop-hittin’-yourself beat ’em ups, school bullies, heart crushin’, psychokinesis, nose bleeds galore, shotguns to the face, in sync clappin’, pregos spontaneously combusted from the inside out, secret agent operations, and fatal freefalls! 3/5! 

DEVIL IN THE DARK (2017)

Two estranged brothers take their sweet time draggin’ their weak family drama up a remote mountain for a huntin’ trip and end up bein’ shoved ’round and harmlessly possessed by some antler lovin’ creature that looks more e.t. than devil. The ingredients for a great flick are here regardin’ the cast, camerawork, and plot, but it slowly falls on its face with repetitive trips to the same locations, ineffective escalations of danger, and just when the movie feels like it’s finally gettin’ underway with the horror, it ends. Nightmare visions, lotta black eyes . . . ain’t really much more than that! 2/5! 

GOTHIC HARVEST (2019)

In this drawn and quartered narrative, some party girls lose one of their own to a mysterious Louisiana native durin’ Mardi Gras, and with Bill Moseley’s help, find her hog tied at a house belongin’ to a family of sadistic immortals with one of the most convoluted backstories for bein’ evil I’ve ever heard. This flick’s hard to peg when it comes to what kinda tone the filmmakers are goin’ for, ’cause they’re tryin’ to convey scary fun suspense with some BDSM sauce, but it’s all ineffectively layered on thanks to ’em waterin’ the story down with too many POVs robbin’ it all of any emotional impact. Pick a last girl (or guy) and stick with ’em to the skin crawlin’ end, dammit. Dead girl dollies, fake as hell neck snappin’, blood harvestin’, bitter cripples, neck stabbin’, cursed babies, livin’ prunes, voodoo witches, stabbin’s, ear cuttin’, flesh carvin’ BDSM, surprisingly no boobs or gore, roofies, threesomes gone all kinds of wrong, and a chuckle worthy scene of Bill Moseley hittin’ on a younger gal with a list of cheesy pick-up lines! 2/5!

DOLL FACTORY (2014)

When a gang of friends crack open a spell book to see ghosts for Halloween, they accidentally resurrect an evil toy maker who unleashes a homicidal army of squeaky voiced baby dolls on the town a magical negro and a virginal sword swingin’ nerd have any hope of stoppin’. Fans of Full Moon’s sillier monster movies will love this low-budget gem of blood drenched humor. The characters are fun and distinctive, the story has nice escalation, and the special effects are better than anyone would expect, includin’ the dolls’ strings-attached action sequences. Ain’t perfect, but far ways from a bad flick. Sliced off faces, barbwire decapitations, severed feet, green puke in the face, crispy corpses, resurrected loves, possessed sword fightin’, ecto-swords, dolls firin’ cartoony holes through people like mini-plastic torpedoes, dolls burstin’ gals open through their vagina, severed hands, theatrical geezer make-up, eye gougin’, green screen effects galore, news teams vs sheriffs, explodin’ houses, buckets of blood, and strangulation! 4/5!

CRAWLERS (2020)

A secret hive of copycat e.ts. get spooked by a town’s St. Patty’s bar crawl and ruin everyone’s holiday with a body snatchin’ plot only a handful of college yahoos have any luck of shuttin’ down. One of the better Hulu flicks from Blumhouse’s Into the Dark series, the set dressin’ and wardrobe do an awesome job deckin’ nearly every scene in a celebration of green that puts most other St. Patrick’s themed movies to shame. The cast is pretty enjoyable as well, but there’s just too much dull dialogue with a lotta hit and miss chuckles keepin’ ’em from shinin’ the way the filmmakers were obviously strivin’ for. Somethin’ I’d be willin’ to overlook if there were more e.t. effects stuck in here. Green blood, bitin’, knives to the head, CG explosions, knife throwin’ to the face, attempted butt-dialed assaults, e.t. meteors, cop cars full of corpses, lotta lotta drinkin’ games, e.t. blood tests, and e.t. doomsday mamas! 3/5!

THE LODGE (2020)

In what I’m assumin’ is a love letter to movies like Hereditary and The Shining, it’s been six months since a couple of young’ns’ mom ate a bullet, and they’re none too happy their dad wants to temporarily strand them with his ex-suicide cult girlfriend at a remote cabin for the holidays. As soon as he leaves, their bondin’ time goes to hell in a hand basket as their supplies go missin’, the power cuts off, and a blizzard rages outside. Did they die? Are the rugrats playin’ a sick prank? Or is it all in the woman’s head who’s one pill away from sheer madness? All I know for sure is it’s a looong dronin’ flick with barely any dialogue or action happenin’. There’s never any immediate danger, no escalatin’ threat – it’s just a buncha forebodin’ shotgun camera angles, pops of nerve shreddin’ noise, and folks givin’ each other the stink eye ’til the director decides to leave things open endin’ for the audience to decide how it all wraps up. Dead dog-cicles, staged hangin’s, kneelin’ on fire logs, bullets to the mug, frostbitten faces, boobs in the shower, frozen lake rescues, hangin’ turkey decor, Thanksgivin’ in the cold, zero Christmas spirit, and movie night with John Carpenter’s The Thing! 2/5!

THE INVISIBLE MAN (2020)

After runnin’ away from an abusive relationship with a controllin’ scientist, Cecelia is convinced her ex-squeeze is gettin’ payback by fakin’ his death and harassin’ her in an invisible suit he built. Now, it’s a war of wits as she fights to prove he’s alive ‘fore he convinces everyone she belongs in the nuthouse. A different take on an invisible man flick that doesn’t follow the title character’s journey, this offers an entirely new kinda story told from the victim’s perspective. Despite the audience knowin’ what they’re gettin’ into from the get go, the filmmakers still manage to deliver plenty of suspenseful moments with whodunnit teases and some of the most bad ass invisible man kills I’ve seen yet. It’s not without it’s sours, however, like the non-sense logistics behind the scientist’s faked death and the lack of iconic imagery for such a universal monster. Slit throats, framed murders, kitchen fires, roofied job interviews, airborne women, young’n beatin’, macin’, car window punchin’, car wrecks, stabbin’s, fatal gunshots, bed sheet pranks, and nuthouse massacres and escapes! 4/5! 

CLOWN FEAR aka CIRCUS ROAD (2020)

When a carload of bridesmaids breakdown in Clown City, USA (not even jokin’), they mingle with the grease face fearin’ locals ’til their forward thinkin’ ways land ’em in hot water with a gang of homicidal clowns sworn to protect their town’s way of life from outsiders. Inspired by the real-life Clown Motel ‘cross from a cemetery in Nevada, this cheap laugh has its moments, but not ‘nough to justify its nearly two hour runnin’ time! While it manages to spotlight a handful of good actors and deliver some respectable scenes like the fairgrounds trial at the end, there’s still alotta poorly shot scenes (the filmmakers can’t properly light a black man to save their life), needless blow by blow editin’, ridiculous actin’, and confusion whether or not the clowns are supernatural. Head bashin’ with bats, kidnappin’s, Stockholm syndrome, driver seat grindin’ with boobs, topless swimmin’ hole dippin’, Russian roulette, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, boobs in the bath with nude undies, scared girls pissin’ ’emselves, throwin’ knives to the face, exploitative clown flashbacks, and cellphone boob pics! 2/5!

FANTASY ISLAND (2020)

Based on the classic TV show, a gang of contest winners are flown to a remote island where its overseer, Mr. Roarke, turns their deepest desires into reality. When their dream vacation turns into a twisted nightmare, however, they suspect they’re really part of someone else’s revenge fantasy. First off, for you Fantasy Island fans out there, this flick could actually fall in line with the original series if ya just imagine Michael Pena as someone who found the island and somehow assumed the role of the original Mr. Roarke. Other than that, the island still serves as an exotic escape for tourists, fantasies are still tainted by ironic twists and self awakenin’s, and Mr. Roarke is still a gracious host but forced to indulge one person’s dark fantasy thanks to the new origin behind the island’s powers the filmmakers felt necessary to include which is somethin’ the TV show never explained. There’s zip boobs and gore, and the plot’s a little hard to follow, but still a worthy watch that doesn’t shit on its source material. Wishin’ water, fantasy rocks, eyeball poppin’, panic rooms full of bikinis, lotta firefightin’, masked home invadin’, off the chain pool parties, time travelin’, torture chambers, stappled mouths, fatal freefalls, cave mazes, explosions, drownin’ reunions, covert jungle missions, resurrections, evil doppelgangers, electro shock, bullets to the head and chest, flame engulfed flashbacks, and Michael Rooker as a filthy P.I.! 3/5!  

CUPID (2020)

A bullied teen summons a demonic Cupid on Valentine’s Day for payback on some mean girls at school but accidentally curses her teachers and classmates in the process. Now, she has ’til midnight to beat a 24 hours curse and save everyone from bein’ pumped with poison arrows. A lot like an episode of Supernatural without the Winchesters, this is a solid watch with a decent ‘nough cast, story, and effects, but tarnations, Cupid’s makeup looks awful save for his wings. Arrows to the eyes, sawed off arms with unconvincin’ reactions, fast spreadin’ infections, restroom stall murders, throttlin’ specters, love spells, long winded storybook expositions, and arrows through the face! 3/5! 

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