R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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PILGRIM (2019)

When a rebellious teen breaks a wishbone hopin’ somethin’ would ruin her family’s Thanksgivin’, her nightmare comes true as supposed pilgrim reenactors are invited to stay in their home for a traditional turkey day celebration that builds like an Adult Swim gag to an unsettlin’ feast. This Into the Dark flick is weird as all get out with more than one over the top moment and some wacky camera work but fortunately never goes full blown Mother! kinda non-sense. Aside from the cartoony antics committed by the unexplained Mayflower maniacs, the best part is the tough-to-like bitch of a daughter constantly speakin’ the audience’s mind everytime she bends an oblivious parent’s ear to how fucked up this whole situation is ‘fore everythin’ breaks bad. Crow stompin’, impaled heads, blood vomittin’ galore, poison berries, overnight shack buildin’, weaponized heads, cannibal dinners, pool dunkin’, brandin’, whippin’, and axes to the face! 4/5! 

BEAST BENEATH (2011)

A campfire tale I thought was just exposition for the monster runs into overtime and dominates this family friendly flick with a young couple searchin’ a park for one of their ancestor’s cursed treasures that’s protected by a guy wearin’ a demonic dog suit. An overall easy watch by competent filmmakers, this flick’s narrative structure needs to streamline its characters and timelines to justify the need for the seemingly detached openin’ acts and to make any sense why the demon dog’s still attackin’ folks when there’s no treasure to protect anymore. And while this movie has its fair share of special effects deaths, I don’t think the main characters are ever in ‘nough jeopardy to create any tension which is pretty lame. Really should have featured more of Homeless George and his charmin’ pirate schtick which is easily the best part. Monster suit maulin’, campsite massacres, slashed throats and faces, 19th century cave ghosts, treasure huntin’, some of the silliest will and testament forgeries committed to celluloid, annoyed librarians, greedy college professors, useless law officials, and pirate ship parties! 3/5!

A NUN’S CURSE (2019)

Thunderin’ sound effects scare a travelin’ gang of friends to take shelter in an abandoned prison where a killer nun supposedly stalks ’em ’til she realizes the movie’s almost over and races ‘gainst the end credits to give us a body count. While this indie flick boasts a cinema worthy location, poppin’ cinematography, likable characters, and effective audio mixin’, there’s just not ‘nough happenin’ in it. Moments and conversations are unnecessarily repeated, there’s a non-existent storm everyone refers to when bright sunshine is pourin’ through the windows, and the whole nun’s involvement is too dissociated to ever be anythin’ threatenin’ much less scary. Even worse, the majority of the movie’s body count happens all at once followed by a Fight Club endin’ with a Dallas dream twist that just pisses me off. Throat slittin’, stabbin’s galore, impaled jaws, beautiful ladies on the can, religious cosplay, cross knives, poisonous communions, and Felissa Rose retains her expertise on men’s mutilated genitals! 2/5!

DESTROYER (1988)

In this disappointin’ slasher, a movie crew’s busy filmin’ a babes behind bars flick at a recently abandoned prison and eventually get the attention of an electric chair survivin’ psycho squatter, played by ‘roid ragin’ Superbowl champ Lyle Alzado, who turns his homicidal rage on the unfortunate interlopers. This guilty pleasure from the ’80s has plenty goin’ for it regardin’ its location and actors, but its script leaves a lot to be desired and makes me forget its even a horror movie most the time. The biggest sours I have with this movie is the killer survivin’ the electric chair ’cause he’s simply a bad ass, not thanks to anythin’ supernatural or otherwise, the sparse deaths with nearly the entire cast of characters killed off screen in the blink of an eye, and the lack of creative deaths minus the fella gettin’ jackhammered which is really the one and only sellin’ point for seein’ this lackluster fizzle. Explodin’ eyeballs, electrocutions galore, poo water rats, sewers, special effect dudes, nightmare psych-outs, face meltin’ dummy girls, human matchsticks, restroom assassinations, jackhammered guns and people, cop killin’, burger flippin’ expositions, full frontal babes wrestlin’ in the showers, quickie massacres, cop cosplay, stunt women last girls, and fatal freefalls! 2/5! 

MYSTICS IN BALI (1981) 

In this nutso flick, a woman seeks out a shape-shiftin’ witch for lessons in Leak magic, but ‘stead of becomin’ a master of this made-up dark art, she’s tricked into becomin’ the hag’s inside out pinata of evil. The characters don’t exhibit a lot of personality and the film quality ain’t the best, but this wild ride’s got plenty of craziness to keep me distracted from beginnin’ to end with all kinds of monstrous transformations, light shows, and it’s most shockin’ scene, an organ draggin’ head suckin’ a newborn out ‘tween its mama’s legs! Ripley’s Believe It or Not fingernails, supernatural decapitations, pin cushion neck stumps, mile long tongues tattooin’ ladies’ thighs, blood suckin’, fanged tourists, magical battles, blood offerin’s, dark rituals, telepathy, mice vomittin’, fireballs, pig people, bestial transformations, stabbin’s, and sunlight weaknesses! 3/5!

THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

Lifted from the pages of Stephen King’s short by the same name, a headline reporter with an attitude gets wind of an airport hoppin’ killer, who he may or may not have figured out is a vampire, and makes it his mission to catch the hick drinkin’ pilot for his next great byline. A well-made movie with an entertainin’ performance from Miguel Ferrer, the only sour I can even bitch ’bout is why the flyin’ fanger refuses to kill the reporter the whole movie. He’ll tear through entire airports like a homicidal hurricane, leavin’ no survivors, but keeps givin’ the reporter chance after chance to turn ’round and live to write ‘nother story. Scoop ends up bein’ the fall guy, sure, but I don’t think that was the original intention. The best part is him unexpectedly catchin’ a naked eyeful of the vamp pissin’ blood in the urinal through the restroom mirror! Decapitated heads, blood caked planes full of worm ridden dirt, car wrecks, sexist work environments, airport massacres, Stephen King Easter eggs, blood piss, blood drinkin’, wrist slittin’, trailer home massacres, undead illusions, axe swingin’, and firin’ squad executions! 4/5!

WEEDJIES: HALLOWEED NIGHT (2019)

While a crew of college girls live it up in Vegas with their own Halloween bash, a mysterious party crasher ambushes ’em with a cursed Ouija board that pits their souls ‘gainst trouble makin’ creatures in a hardcore game of tag. A howlin’ fun flick from Full Moon, this feature length bonanza is burstin’ with an infectious energy that makes me wish I was at this Halloween hootenanny. With an all ’round winnin’ cast of characters, rockin’ tunes, solid script, and memorable booger beast puppets, this is an instant Full Moon classic! Vegas chases, costume parties, bike ridin’ weed wolves, voodoo witches, supernatural gamemasters, baby fetishes, super science ganja, mini Full Moon alum cameos, pool drownin’s, explodin’ heads, stranglin’, flesh eatin’, interdimensional portals, monstrous transformations, tokin’ monsters, one beast rock concerts, and surprisingly no boobs! 5/5!

3 FROM HELL (2019)

Ten years after the police shoot the kill happy Firefly family into Swiss cheese, the Devil’s rejects are waitin’ their turns on death row ’til a new family member breaks Otis and Baby out for a spontaneous sprint to Mexico where they fight vengeance seekin’ luchadors. Stickin’ with the stream of consciousness kinda storytellin’ that worked for House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects, writer/director Rob Zombie delivers ‘nother rock video filtered flick with the same ol’ ridin’ and killin’ kinda meanderin’ seen in the last installment. Only reason these movies work is ’cause they feature such a grippin’ cast of character actors I can’t get ‘nough of. Especially when it comes to Sheri Moon Zombie stealin’ a fair share of the runtime with her compellin’ performance as Baby. She kicks some serious ass in lock-up, has me hangin’ on every psycho syllable she speaks, and films the most beautiful slow-mo scenes I’ve ever seen. Mexican threesomes, shot-up midgets, explodin’ heads, pissin’ party clowns, forehead carvin’, disembowelin’, full frontal chasin’ in slow-mo, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’s, prison escapes, stranglin’, nose bashin’, Mexican massacres, home invasions, and one mention of Halloween! 3/5! 

THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE (2019)

A TV studio uses terminators to play its most popular characters, the Banana Splits, and for no real reason at all, they go awry and tear their latest studio audience apart. It ain’t the most thoughtful plot, but there’s still ‘nough goin’ on in this Five Nights at Freddy’s wannabe to keep me thoroughly entertained with tolerable young’ns, surprisingly messy gore, and a well written mix of distinguishable characters fightin’ for their lives ‘gainst these Hanna-Barbera leftovers from the ’60s. The only sour I have to fault it for is not tyin’ the Banana Splits’ malfunction in with their sudden cancellation, but I guess a disgruntled inventor sickin’ his robots on an unsuspectin’ employer was too cliche for these filmmakers. Hand crushin’, hammered faces, human matchsticks, messy obstacle courses, limb rippin’, battlebot brawls, hit and runs, splattered roadkill, fatally deep throatin’ lolly pops, fatal magic tricks, TV audience massacres, kidnappin’s, bad programmin’, bungee nabbin’, head stabbin’s, and mental breakdowns! 4/5! 

HAUNT (2019)

A disposable circle-jerk of friends cap off Halloween night with a visit to an extreme haunt and find out its weirdo performers are out for more than a few screams. One of the better flicks ’bout folks really dyin’ in a haunted attraction, Haunt delivers solid entertainment with top dollar production and unforgettable killers with a thing for facial deformities but its stars lack any chemistry and could have endured more creative tortures. The worse cinematic sin, however, is the pointless build-up to the last girl’s slap-happy boyfriend arrivin’ without any satisfyin’ payoff. Halloween club scenes, party fouls, abusive relationships, carcass buckets, face peelin’ with hammers, hand crushin’, deep arm cuttin’, ineffective backstories with flashbacks, wife beatin’ daddies, sledgehammers to the face, escape rooms, hall-o-mirrors, chainsaw totin’ loons, bullets to the head, booby-trapped shotguns, facial modifications galore, facial poker brandin’, rooms full of sharp edges, sticky traps, impaled feet and hands, tricky switcheroos, infernos, home invasions, batter batter defenses, and spiders! 4/5! 

IT CHAPTER TWO (2019)

The Losers’ Club is all grown-up and returns to Derry after 27 years to once again stop Pennywise the Clown from eatin’ young’ns in his toothy vagina cave. The challenge of this semi-sequel ain’t toppin’ the second half of the original TV version of It (which doesn’t take tremendous effort), but out-doin’ the re-envisioned first half from 2017 that became a runaway hit. Unfortunately – it doesn’t. The filmmakers do their best to stick to King’s original vision, give us a strong cast (that’s a little overshadowed by Bill Hader’s performance), and strike those same scary notes as the first time ’round, but it just feels like three hours of lukewarm entertainment with only two to three unnervin’ scenes at best to speak of. Pennywise simply doesn’t up his game (even as a giant CGI spider), scared adults just ain’t as compellin’ as scared children, and I’m not the biggest fan of the story here bein’ told in compartmentalized chunks as opposed to a natural flow of interweavin’ story threads. Still a movie worth watchin’, but could be better. Hall of mirrors chasin’, monster scenes lifted right out of John Carpenter’s The Thing, leper chokin’, creepy dads, underground hidey holes, flamin’ hair-dos, fat shamin’, belly carvin’, haunted houses, dragon balls, Native American rituals, chest bitin’, monster killin’ through the power of belief, heart crushin’, red balloons galore, giant Paul Bunyan attacks, tall gangly hags, face stabbin’, impalement, goo vomitin’, severed dancin’ legs, monstrous dogs, car wrecks, lotta graphic close-ups of Bill Hader vomitin’, kiddie eatin’, gay lynchin’, childhood flashbacks galore, and roofied storytellin’! 4/5!

READY OR NOT (2019)

In what’s basically The Most Dangerous Game with satanists, a clueless bride upholds her fat-cat in-laws’ weddin’ tradition with a game of hide-and-seek and quickly realizes she’s gotta fight tooth and nail to win or be sacrificed to the devil by board game barons believin’ they’ll die by sunrise if they lose. Full of fun tension, this weddin’ horror hits on all pistons with escalatin’ dangers, solid characters, dark humor, thoughtful cinematography, and an entertainin’ build-up to one of two equally great endin’s! Samara Weaving continues to soar as one of horror’s newest icons, provin’ fantastic at every level from victim (Ash vs Evil Dead) to killer (The Babysitter) to the last girl in this flick. Only minor sour I can bitch ’bout is the backstory to the family’s pact with the devil bein’ a little too convoluted to follow. Bare minimum weddin’ scenes, Clue board game nods, hot tea pots to the face, impaled hands, young’n smackin’, dead maids galore, bullets and arrows to the face, dumbwaiter deaths, decapitations, strangulation, car wrecks, spontaneous combustions, satanic rituals, dead pits, goat pens, house fires, poisonin’, head bashin’, what I think are cursed boxes, stabbin’s, and booger sugar! 5/5!

CRITTERS ATTACK! (2019)

The Crites return to Earth, and they’re in a race with an e.t. slaughterin’ Dee Wallace to catch a small-town babysitter’s flock of pre-teens who stuffed their alien queen in a backpack. Returnin’ to its semi-serious roots, this latest entry in the Critters series does a great job checkin’ all the boxes regardin’ character development, escalatin’ threats, a steady body count with consistent gore, and we even get a break from the tired bounty hunters from space routine with Critters alum Dee Wallace (who may or may not be the same character from the first Critters) slingin’ the heavy artillery. The only hint of sour I get from this flick is feelin’ like the pacin’ could be a little quicker with how soon the main characters come ‘cross our favorite tumbleweeds from space, and the lack of realistic reactions to everythin’ happenin’ which is more than likely intentional. Projectile quills, big-ass critter balls, rub-a-dub deaths, explodin’ Crites galore, bagpipe mix tapes, maulin’s, Crite on Crite violence, secret e.t. monitorin’ rooms, spaceships, Crite pups, meteors, drunken law officials, air horn defenses, Crite stowaways, dead dogs, and sushi chef street fightin’! 4/5! 

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK (2019)

In this Halloween/Election Night horror set in 1968, a gang of teens are cursed by a dead girl for stealin’ her book of scary stories from her local haunt and are now bein’ killed by monsters she’s pennin’ into existence through new tales written just for ’em. Based on the infamous series of kiddie books mamas made a national stink ’bout forever ago, ya might be quick to compare this motion picture adaptation to the Hollywood treatment of R. L. Stine’s work, but let me tell ya, this ain’t Goosebumps! This creature effects spectacle dares to push the envelope and features blips of gore and an impressive number of death scenes folks don’t come back from. The only sours I have to bitch ’bout are some cop-out scares (the lazy way the toe monster finally nabs the one kid and the girl with spiders in her face bein’ hidden under so much darkness you can barely see her), and the confusin’ nature behind what exactly the filmmakers are tryin’ to say gives the dead girl the power to write people’s fate from beyond the grave. Livin’ scarecrows, straw man transformations, flamin’ projectile bags of poop, car wrecks, drive-in chase sequences, draft dodgers, mutilated body parts, toe stews, home invadin’ corpses, young’n absorbin’, monstrous huggin’ fatties, tragic backstories, shady business cover-ups, hospital chases, car vandalizin’, creepy recordin’s, neck snappin’, monstrous car chases, wailin’ ghosts, spider baby pimples, and stories written in blood! 4/5!

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019)

The second sequel to a spin-off of The Conjuring that falls who-knows-where in the continuity of director James Wan’s movie-verse, Annabelle the evil doll escapes her day job as a haunted prop in the Warren’s museum of cursed oddities and raises some PG-rated hell sicin’ a houseful of spooks and demons after her captors’ daughter and sitter’s souls. This flick ain’t as violent or creepy as the last Annabelle movie and periodically drags from time to time , but it’s still a fun little feature full of likable characters and ghostly threats that feels like an episode of the Real Ghostbusters. Possessed bridal gowns, attempted stabbin’, ghostly visions, sinister shadows, soul suckin’, hell hounds, zip body count, future broadcastin’ TVS, haunted piano tunes, angry ghost dads, gangs of eerie ferry men who seem to be payin’ folks to ride with ’em versus the other way ’round, supernaturally locked doors, gravely lynch mobs, birthday parties, haunted samurai armor, school bullies, spooky nether regions, handsy board games that take too long to be executed in lackluster ways, and possibly the first exorcism ever performed through a home movie recordin’! 4/5!

CHILD’S PLAY (2019)

When Andy’s given a factory busted robo-doll named Chucky for his birthday, the toy’s malfunctionin’ iPhone for a brain copies what it sees in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and assassinates anyone it sees as a threat to their artificial friendship. A reimaginin’ of the ’88 horror classic featurin’ a serial killer’s spirit trapped in a My Buddy spoof, this legal loophole of a film ixnays all the hoodoo voodoo in favor of technophobia with the killer ankle biter now written as a confused robot linked with surroundin’ devices it can sic on folks. I think this is a solid movie overall and should really be a vehicle for introductin’ an all new horror villain ‘stead of recyclin’ Chuck for an easy payday. Especially since this robo-Chucky is never self-aware, leavin’ it devoid of any personality or grit that made the original psycho-doll so much fun to watch. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is the horrible castin’ regardin’ age range, ’cause Andy looks way too old for this toy, and the chemistry between him and his youthful lookin’ mama feels more like siblin’s than parent and child. Cat stranglin’, dissin’ palybacks, bone snappin’, wrong uses of the word “poetic,” stabbin’s, massacred heads, several E.T. nods, killer drones, self-drivin’ car wrecks, pervy maintenance guys, table saws up the crotch, robotic operations, gift-wrapped watermelon’s decorated with cheatin’ lovers’ faces, dead cats, hacked TV bashin’, killer doll vision, kidnapped milfs, fatal freefalls, extremely disgruntled factory workers, retail store massacres, doll lynch mobs, small armies of killer dolls, and Mark Hamill slips into Joker for the briefest second at the very end! 3/5! 

MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL (2019)

Agent M is the newest rookie to join the world’s only defense ‘gainst intergalactic scumwads, and her first assignment is at the M.I.B.’s European branch where she meets Agent H and investigates a suspected mole in the organization who’s aidin’ an e.t. invasion of Earth. It ain’t easy followin’ a box-office act like Agent K and J after three solid movies, but the filmmakers successfully give the franchise a fresh new spin while keepin’ things familiar. The newest M.I.B. partners are brilliantly written as clever role reversals of J and K, the series mythos is effortlessly expanded, and the story allows for a more epic adventure. The biggest sour, unfortunately, is I don’t think any of it is funny, and the filmmakers lack that stylish touch that makes director Barry Sonnenfeld’s movies so special. I also have problems with some story points, understandin’ Agent M’s trainin’ timeline and her exact expertise, and silly melodramatic moments forced into a fizzle of an endin’, but would forgive all that if any of it made me laugh. E.T. tentacle sex, slow-mo powers, illusion fields, neuralizers, beard e.t.s, e.t. agents, poisonous snake bites, weaponized car accessories, explosions, e.t. dance clubs, drugged darts, three armed hotties, pocket-size canyon blastin’ guns, toyetic sidekicks, space portals, Thing-themed e.t. baddies, Eiffel Tower set pieces, flyin’ bikes, bunch of dead e.t.s, trans-continental super trains, flyin’ cars, and fatal meltdowns! 3/5!

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019)

When a scientist builds a fancy bird caller to yap it up with the world’s biggest critters, she manipulates them to wreck the planet in the name of cosmic balance. Things get out of hand, however, ’cause the three-headed dragon Ghidorah’s starts callin’ the shots, and it’s up to Godzilla and a monster stalkin’ organization to restore the natural order. Arguably the best Godzilla flick yet, it definitely blows the other two American attempts at capturin’ Japan’s biggest mon-star outta the water. Lotta kaiju brawlin’, epic globe trottin’, and a cast of root-worthy humans perfectly co-existin’ with impressive special effects exhibitin’ genuine girth. Godzilla vs Ghidorah vs Rodan vs Mothra, volcanic entrances, maybe the lost city of Atlantis, gift wrapped nukes, atomic booms, plane crashes, in-flight ejection meals, stormy body odor, nuke beams, three-way dragon’s breath, regeneratin’ appendages, Fenway Park chaos, metamorphosis, King Kong references galore, history lesson wall art galore, submarine rescue missions, 3-4 background beasts of city stompin’ size, and Blue Oyster Cult’s tune is finally used in a Godzilla flick! 5/5! 

BRIGHTBURN (2019)

A horror spin on Superman’s origin, a couple from Brightburn, Kansas raise a crashed e.t. baby as their own, but come to regret that decision as he approaches puberty and undergoes dangerous changes that make him an unstoppable super threat manipulated by the space wreck he arrived in. An interestin’ genre mash-up, this bizarro version of Smallville doesn’t bring a lot of surprises to the table, but does offer a jaw droppin’ moment of gore or two and some unsettlin’ jump scares I can’t believe work. Not a spectacular flick mind ya, but impressively noteworthy none the less. Shattered glass in eyes, crushed hands, heat vision galore, plane crashes, fatal freefalls from 30,000 ft., super strength, hot heads, dissected corpses for wall art, chicken coop massacres, splattered law enforcement, farm 51, peepin’ toms, dislocated jaws, super flight, murder scene callin’ cards, tell-all doodle art, flickerin’ power outages, and one home wreckin’ super young’n throwin’ the temper tantrums to end them all! 4/5!

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