R-RATED REVIEWS

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 So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

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TAMMY AND THE T-REX (1994)

After school bullies leave Paul Walker to be mauled by a lion, a horny mad scientist obsessed with immortality steals his brain and dumps it in a mechanical dinosaur. Now a walkin’ theme park prop, Paul’s out to bite the heads off everyone responsible for his prehistoric predicament and reunite with his heartbroken girlfriend, Tammy. One of the wackiest films I’ve ever seen that blurs the lines ‘tween gore-tastic horror and teenage humor, this flick has one of the most ridiculous plots ever committed to celluloid but its ensemble of talent play it straight ‘nough to make it an instant guilty pleasure I’ll be enjoyin’ ‘gain and ‘gain. The biggest suspension of disbelief ain’t the robo-saurus, mind ya, but what all he can do with those itty bitty disjointed arms. Flattened henchmen, head bitin’, noggin’ sawin’, brain yankin’, instant boners, big cat attacks with one lion shot off camera, faked deaths, PG-13 strippin’, dino spoonin’, necro kissin’, rope chewin’, leg bitin’, disembowelin’, high school bullies, naughty hench girls, school yard brawls, crotch crushin’, aroused brains, dino shoot-outs, Buck Flowers without a beard and not playin’ a bum or hick for once, cop car chases, and Children of the Corn‘s Isaac as a lab assistant! 4/5! 

EVOLVER (1995)

When a failed government war machine is recycled into a laser tag toy, the malfunctionin’ prototype steadily turns one unlucky teen’s home into a war zone as it grows more bitter with each humiliatin’ defeat. I was skeptical how good this robots-gone-bad flick would be at first ’cause of how small the titular tinker toy is, but it quickly proves to be a believable threat armed with an array of customized weapons that make it one memorable movie machine. It definitely helps that it’s supported by a solid cast who take their roles seriously with filmmakers who know how to deliver a well paced story with likable characters and a respectable kill count. I would like to have seen Evolver’s final form be a little more over the top, but kudos to its creators for doin’ so much with so little. High speed ball bearings to the face, fatal stair fall, projectile knives, pyro rigged laser traps, explosions, car wrecks, poolside chases, electrocutions, teens crushed under cars, girls’ locker room with boobs, VR arcades, high school bullies, and cyber hackin’! 4/5! 

TOOLBOX MURDERS 2 aka COFFIN BABY (2013)

In this gore over substance shamble of a slasher, a young woman is kidnapped by a disfigured cannibal and imprisoned in his underground dungeon to witness brutal acts of special effects gore ’til ghosts of his victims finally hand her a cell phone to call the cops. One of the most ridiculous flicks I’ve ever seen, not only does the paper thin plot play out like a special effects demo-reel, the last girl’s actin’ is all over the damn place. As if her three week stint in the killer’s hellhole was edited out of order, she bounces back and forth ‘tween ass-kickin’ survivor to a child-like simpleton every scene, and none of it’s ever convincin’, ’cause her hair and make-up’s always perfect no matter how awful things get. The biggest questions I have for the filmmakers, however, is why they have the killer force her to watch this movie’s openin’ credits, and when she’s replacin’ herself with a corpse to cover her escape, why is she so dumb, she chops the wrong hand off the body?! Folks table sawed in half, BBQ corpses, flesh eatin’, cockroach eatin’, vomittin’, crucified corpses, mutilated bodies galore, fatal freefalls, fried flesh snacks, severed hands, decorative scarrin’, facial nit-pickin’, leg carvin’, unbelievably awkward lookin’ fight sequences, ghost march, overactin’ cops, blowtorched stumps, and disembowelin’! 2/5!

DESOLATION (2017)

A recently widowed mother hikes the great outdoors with her son and best friend for some therapeutic reflection, but a murderous Rob Zombie look-alike in shades aims to give ’em an even more traumatic life experience. While I like the castin’ and look of this mountain slasher flick, the sours outweigh the sweets thanks to a frustratin’ story featurin’ a lame killer a prepubescent teen can whoop. There’s built-up moments without any real payoff, a lack of geography to inform me just how much trouble the family’s in when shit hits the fan, a kill site that pops up wherever it’s convenient for the story no matter how many miles the characters traveled, and the adults surprisingly never take the killer seriously ‘nough to plan safer sleepin’ arrangements. Geocachin’, disembowelin’, wacky tobacky, stabbin’s, drunk drama blubberin’, blood drainin’, tooth yankin’, Swiss Army knife defenses, bloody noses, and laughable weaknesses that remind of Velma without her glasses in Scooby-Doo! 2/5!

ROBOTRIX (1991)

When a mad scientist finds it necessary to put himself in a robot body to rape and kill women on top of kidnappin’ a foreign prince for ransom, ‘nother scientist pulls a Robocop and resurrects a fallen police woman to stop him with the help of a high-kickin’ robo-whore. Packed with chop-suey action, topless eye candy, and comic bookish sets, this gem from China checks a lot of boxes for bein’ an entertainin’ blender of cheesy action, sci-fi, and comedy with a fleetin’ pinch of softcore action I’m certain was hacked down to ’bout nothin’ in the copy I watched. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is how the she-bot cop is completely removed from the final battle with the bad guy which essentially means she accomplished nothin’ as the movie’s heroin. I also wish the filmmakers went a lot further with the special effects whenever the robots get fucked up in battle to make up for ’em lookin’ like regular people most the movie. Foot stomped stool pigeons, dented guts, German/American battle bot showdowns, boulder throwin’, severed robo arms, undercover whores, aroused nosebleeds, metallic underwear, headless henchmen, explosions, scrapyard showdowns, giant magnets, robo crushin’,  techno mind swaps, rigged drinkin’ games, robots peein’ in liquor bottles, wicker briefcase decapitations, head bashin’, and one laughably cruel endin’ for our hero cop! 4/5! 

THE DAY (2011)

A roamin’ gang of post-apocalyptic survivors take shelter in an abandoned farm house that’s actually a trap set by cannibals and fight to stay off their menu while stressin’ over whether or not to trust the newest badass of their group who use to run with the hungry pack of meat lovers. This flick has a simple premise but is executed with a lot of gritty conviction. The writin’ subtly clues me in to what’s happened to the world and these folks with character buildin’ dialogue, everythin’s beautifully shot in thoughtful compositions of saturated light and shadows, and Ashley Bell’s performance as the stoic warrior chick with a flesh eatin’ past is powerful ‘nough to believe she was snubbed for any and all actin’ awards the year this was released. Booby trapped basements, impalement galore, spikes through the chest, decapitations, heads mounted on sticks, young’ns shot in the face, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, bullets to the head, family abductions, leg carvin’, killer kids, women gettin’ punched all to hell, and shoot-outs galore! 4/5! 

MIDNIGHT KISS (2019)

In possibly the gayest horror I’ve ever seen, a circle of free lovin’ homos meet up for their annual New Year’s Eve get-together and hit the clubs to play their annual game of kissin’ strangers when the ball drops. Someone they passively kissed in the past took their game the wrong way, however, and finally carries out a convoluted revenge plot as a bondage masked slasher. One of Into the Dark‘s best flicks, Midnight Kiss boasts an excellent script with a nice mix of location changes and a ‘nough red herrin’s ‘mong an interestin’ click of characters to periodically doubt the most obvious culprit behind the leather dog mask. My favorite scene’s gotta be the stolen kisses between ex-lovers in the club which feels like the filmmakers takin’ the movie beyond an above average slasher and make it a top notch Hollywood production with the actors, writin’, music, and cinematography hittin’ on all pistons. It’s just too bad the movie’s ruined by the end when the revealed killer gives some underdeveloped bullshit motive I can’t buy into. Stabbin’s, muscular butts galore, glitter bombed dancin’, lotta skin on skin caressin’, questionable strangulation by curtains, jealous ex-lovers, broken bottles shoved down throats, chest carvin’, leg cuttin’, bullets to the shoulder, slit throats in the shower, needles to the face, mouths full of fireworks, and softcore gay sex! 4/5! 

PSYCHO COP (1989)

A devil worshippin’ psycho named Joe Vickers (who may or may not have supernatural powers) has fooled the police department into makin’ him a full fledged officer of the law and now stalks a car full of college students vacationin’ in the sticks for homicidal kicks. As much as I wanted to see this Maniac Cop knock-off for the slasher, it’s really his victims that steal the movie. They look like Archie comic wannabes crossed with Saved By the Bell, repeatedly say the same damn things 40 different ways from Sunday, and lose shit the whole movie like you wouldn’t believe! They lose the same hair brush multiple times, toothbrushes, beer . . . but even more unbelievable is how the movie never officially blames Vickers for these lost items, so I guess it’s just some weird character quirk these yahoos share for losin’ stuff. Neck snappin’, axes to the chest and head, backwoods crucifixions, roadkill bimbos, bullets to the chest, cop on cop violence, drinkin’ ‘n drivin’, and superhuman impalement! 3/5! 

PSYCHO COP RETURNS (1993)

So, now it’s official Officer Vickers has some kinda satanic healin’ powers as a devil lovin’ serial killer and returns with a softcore twist as he follows desk jockeys back to their high-rise office to breakup their bachelor party full of dirty women. While I consider the first Psycho Cop so-bad-it’s-good, this is a guilty pleasure example of a good bad flick. From the exaggerated camerawork to the larger than life characters, this delivers the one-two punch of blood and boobs I expect from a low-budget schlockbuster and keeps me highly entertained to the metal thrashin’ end. Indestructible free falls down elevator shafts, fatal skyscraper free falls, topless dancers, disarmin’ faxes, devil’s lettuce, eye gougin’, double impalement, interoffice fornicatin’ with boobs, stabbin’s, axes to the back, gunshots to the noggin’, stag films, neck snappin’, workin’ girl slappin’, lynch mobs, street justice, and Julie Strain in a sexy pair of chaps! 3/5!

DEEP FREEZE aka ICE CRAWLERS (2002)

An Antarctic drillin’ station unearths prehistoric mosquito worms, and an interchangeable gang of grad students gotta team-up with a few roughnecks to escape the rubbery beasts ‘fore they shit all over their frozen corpses. An overall decent creature feature that does its best to entertain, the only sour that bugs me is its overall lack of gore with off camera deaths remindin’ me of red shirts gettin’ killed by the original Star Trek monsters. A couple of bloody scenes make up for this toward the end, but I keep gettin’ distracted by how strangely their executed like the one ice critter that seems to have crawled up a woman’s vagina ‘fore turnin’ her inside out. Wolfman showers, bookworm beauties, boobs ‘tween the sheets, hot tubs, under the bed booger beasts, shotguns to the chest, drownin’, human pop sickles, near fatal free falls, explosions, helicopter escapes, explodin’ bug heads, freezin’ autopsies, and big-ass bug bosses! 3/5!

THE SUMMONING (2017)

The ghost of a 19th century slave girl lamely haunts a law student in Sugar Land, Texas, and it’s to either solve a double homicide case that’s gone cold or blow the whistle on the descendants of her slave owners for developin’ properties on unmarked graves. Whatever it is, it don’t matter, ’cause after all the character build-up, loosey goosey expositions, and lack of tension, the inherent bad guys kill everyone in one of the most disappointin’ endin’s I’ve seen in awhile. Spoiler? You’re welcome! Spectral kidnappin’s that don’t make a lick of sense, backyard bones, backstory groundskeepers, assassinations, home wreckin’ spooks, and man-ish lookin’ she-shadows! 2/5!

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