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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z



Before the final girl of the last flick can expose the evil organization behind underground rat races set in life or death escape rooms, she’s unbelievably wrangled into a new series of fatal head scratchers with other previous winners. An okay movie overall, this sequel’s ensemble of players doesn’t have the most engagin’ chemistry, and the puzzles ‘come so convoluted, I’ve no choice but to shut my noodle off and enjoy all the expensive eye candy this flick could slap on the screen. The real sour worth knockin’ this sucker for, however, is its bum rush of an endin’ that’s just a little too confusin’ as the filmmakers attempt to reveal and explain the true mastermind behind all these wacko traps. Flesh meltin’ rain, trap cars, quicksand, electrified subway cars, games of Hangman, deadly lasers, cave-ins, smarty pants dungeons, muggin’s, electrocutions, sauna traps, and daddy daughter drama! 3/5!


An immediate follow-up to Michael Myers’ newest mulligan timeline introduced in 2018’s Halloween, the infamous bogeyman remains at large and continues ruinin’ Halloween for everyone in Haddonfield with an indifferent murder spree that gains the attention of a town wide lynch mob led by survivors of Michael’s first holiday massacre in 1978. Easily one of my least favorite sequels ‘mong the Halloween movies, Halloween Kills is just a string of ridiculous moments that feels like some teenager’s attempt at fan fiction that’s neither fun or rewatchable. The dialogue’s wildly over the top and repetitive (“Evil dies tonight!), there’s way too many folks spillin’ a buncha needless exposition, most the characters returnin’ from the ’78 flick are shoehorned in as opposed to bein’ organically introduced with an actual role to play, there’s the stupidest case of mistaken identity that drags out waaay too long in the middle, and the biggest dick slap to the mug is the anti-claimatic endin’ the movie spends its whole runnin’ time buildin’ up to. Besides an impressive digital stand-in for Loomis in flashbacks and the funny scenes of the couple livin’ in the Myers house, the only positive thing I can say ‘about this farce is it absolutely delivers what the title promises, and that’s a non-stop gore-fest of brutal deaths that’s perfect for background horror at Halloween parties. Stabbin’ galore, vigilante justice, street pizzas, fatal freefall suicides, head smashin’ galore, home invadin’, carjackin’, house infernos, firefighter massacres, axes to the face, saws to the fact, lotta broken windows, impaled faces, keep away, turkey baster injections of courage, gushin’ neck wounds, gunshots to the chest, and panicked mobs! 3/5!


A loose remake of the 1982 classic, a gang of girlfriends sneak away to an infamous cabin to lure out a psycho killer with a mean drill and make him pay for attackin’ one of their mamas forever ago so she can lay her tragic past to rest. The Slumber Party Massacre series and its loose Cheerleader Massacre sequels ain’t Oscar worthy flicks by any means, but this sucker leaves a lot to be desired. Shakin’ things up with a self-aware cast followin’ Scream rules fer defeatin’ slashers, the biggest sour for me is how flat and underdeveloped the characters are, despite some of ’em possessin’ an undeniable screen presence like the little sister. There’s an unexpected twist here and there that’s sweet, but this is ultimately a soulless remake that fails to be as fun or funny as its source material. Nods to Slumber Party Massacre 2‘s guitar, slashers in the shower, vengeful mamas, chest and hand drillin’, eye gougin’, wacky tobacky brownies, toy penis trinkets, drugged cookies, vomitin’, fake boobs, psych-out revenge schemes, stabbin’ galore, body hackin’, homoerotic bondin’, manly butts in the shower, and makeshift weed wacked faces! 2/5!


Small town high schoolers party it up as the news reports a killer who’s out to publically expose their dirty secrets while wearin’ 3D printed masks of their mugs. A beautifully shot movie with solid actin’, this whodunnit slasher’s biggest flaw is well . . . its slasher! Relyin’ too much on ’em just being a psycho followin’ psychio logic, the victims are as random as names outta hat, and I don’t think any of their secrets are extreme ‘nough to justify the gore-tastic ends they meet, even by horror movie standards. Like who gives a flyin’ fuck that one unlucky stiff’s secret is bein’ addicted to pain killers? For a flick that openly references I Know What You Did Last Summer, I’d think the filmmakers would have done a better job buildin’ a murder mystery ’round teens with a secret. Achilles heel severin’, home invadin’, taser guns, swords through the noggin’, head impalin’, belly slicin’, stabbin’ galore, parked make-out sessions, secret partyin’, Nazi memorabilia converted to hookas, bonfire victims, white power propagandas, sleep walkin’ grannies, corn maze chaos, and lotta print-out plasterin’! 2/3!

V/H/S/94 (2021)

A ridiculous S.W.A.T. team who loves shoutin’ “Warrant!” busts in on some kinda couch potato cult and is slowly driven mad as they peek at a buncha idiot boxes playin’ extreme videos that include rat man cults, zombie wakes, killer cyborgs, and redneck militias armed with vampires. An okay V/H/S sequel at best, most these stories suffer from poor set-ups or shoddy endin’s that keep ’em from bein’ winners, but “The Subject” is a cybernetic nightmare worth checkin’ out, and “The Terror” unexpectedly explores a side of vampires I’d never seen before with weaponized blood bombs that’s pretty damn cool. The worst of the bunch that sent me into a snooze was “The Empty Wake” thanks to its lack of plot and exposition, and the wraparound story with the S.W.A.T. team was just ’bout as hard to follow. Kidnappin’, eye gougin’, head smashin’, folks ripped in half, explodin’ vampire blood, shotguns to the face galore, jailbreaks, bloodsuckin’, face meltin’ upchuck, under dweller cults, S.W.A.T. team massacres, brain squishin’, electrocutions, intestine spillin’, explodin’ rabbits, and monstrous suicides! 2/5! 


While their new step dad hikes the great yander for roadside assistance, a brother and sister ditch their busted ride to celebrate Halloween with the locals for a couple of days and end up in the middle of an underground taxidermy competition ran by murderous artists. Kinda House of Wax meets a poor man’s Hostel with minimum holiday spirit, this ain’t a bad idea for a horror flick, but its loosey goosey storytellin’ makes for a meanderin’ plot with vague relations ‘mong characters and thinly drawn out tension. This could be so much better if it had a more heartless editor workin’ from a tighter script. Kidnappin’, throat slittin’, human taxidermy art, people made into scarecrows for some reason, weirdo children, back stabbin’s, macabre art shows, shit hole dungeons, leg peelin’, powerhouse nimwits, knives to the face, disfigured eyes, human dissectin’, squattin’, silo partyin’, haunted corn mazes, haunted hay rides, evil step parents, big boob bikini slow-mo, and waterhole dippin’! 2/5!

SEANCE (2021)

After boardin’ school girls playfully evoke ghosts from their dorm’s grisly past, they start dyin’ off one by one and suspect someone in their group’s usin’ the urban legend as a cover to go all slash happy. A decent flick from the studio behind my favorite remakes like House on Haunted Hill (1999) and 13 Ghosts (2001), this is a well made movie with an interestin’ ‘nough lookin’ gang of gals, but its too cool fer school last girl lacks any character buildin’ substance for me to latch onto, and it feels like the filmmakers couldn’t settle on a definitive tone with this movie ridin’ a fine line ‘tween bein’ a supernatural thriller or revenge slasher. Even worse, the kills are pretty damn basic, save the last couple of physics defyin’ fatalities that only make sense if folks were made of mashed potatoes! Best part is findin’ out this is all ’bout someone tryin’ to get away with plagiarism. Cat fights, slappin’, punchin’, stabbin’ galore, throat slittin’ with fluorescents, decapitations with bookshelves, leg breakin’, seances, automatic writin’, lesbo lip lockin’, wacky tobacky, fatal freefalls, slashers in the shower, light fixtures to the face, kidnappin’, and head conkin’! 2/5!


While a graduating class of high school horn dogs cap off their senior year with a weekend long party at their local waterpark motel, someone with an axe to grind booby traps one of the slides for a buncha wet ‘n wild deaths! A valiant effort at bein’ a memorable horror flick, this whodunnit summer slasher has all the ingredients for makin’ somethin’ special, but ultimately ends up a poorly set-up punchline that’s more recycled teen comedy antics from the ’80s than horror. This could have been a real winner if the filmmakers escalated the danger with more than one chop suey waterslide from beginnin’ to end and wrote a killer whose motives made any sense. Stabbin’s, fatal freefall, slice ‘n dice massacre slides, head smashin’ with bottles, nookie in the shower, bikini car washes, embarassin’ dance offs, sleazy affairs, graphic lobster dinin’, and concert crashin’ beat downs! 2/5! 

BAD CANDY (2021)

A mess of a Halloween decked anthology, this flick’s either ’bout a radio DJ spittin’ a buncha erratic stories over the airwaves by request or a little mutant’s killer clown drawin’ come to life who tears through a buncha loosely connected shorts full of horn dogs and killers. With reasonable actin’, decent ‘nough ideas, and impressive cinematography, the flaw that completely ruins this holiday horror is its editin’. The story’s framework is never clearly defined, set-ups are an endangered practice leavin’ stories vacant of any explanation or substance worth carin’ ’bout, everything’s jump cutty at best, and the uneventful twist with the DJs at the end don’t make a lick of sense. Best part of the movie where things finally start comin’ together for one fleetin’ moment is when some vigilantes round up a buncha panicked yahoos for their blood thirsty buddy to hunt. Acid trippin’ necrophilia, high flyin’ monsters, victims who explode like crash dummies when struck, splat fairies, imaginary critters, young’ns turned into collectables, razor blade stuffed candy, jack-o-lantern bashin’, smooshy sounds galore, gas station hookers, doodles come to life, tree house clubs, human roadkill with utter indifference, decapitations, life suckin’ ghosts, house fires, time travelin’ echoes, impalement, head crushin’ and slicin’, home invasions, and attempted rapes! 2/5! 


An abused prego loses her family overnight and starts havin’ lucid episodes of a twisted slasher workin’ his way through a hit list of doctors she wants to help the police stop. Best described as Basket Case meets The Dark Half, this flick’s feature killer comes off more like a super villain than the next great boogey man, and it doesn’t help his leadin’ lady is a lame duck who spends more time reactin’ to situations than expressin’ herself as a character with any substance worth me givin’ a damn ’bout. A sandbox kinda experiment in filmmakin’ with heavy-horror-hitter James Wan spinnin’ horror yarn with the visual energy of a comic book movie, the story’s an entertainin’ mess of set-ups and character developments with a pretty predictable endin’, but it still manages to be an attention grabbin’ watch by the final act. Weaponized awards, wife beatin’, head trauma, separation anxiety, vague electrical powers that are never really explained, radio wave yappin’, semi-possessin’, stabbin’s galore, Siamese surgeries, chasin’ through Seattle’s underground, jail cell massacres, ladies on the can, mind manipulatin’, police station massacres, and bed flippin’! 3/5! 


A romantic pair of Airbnb critics stupidly ignore every red flag their latest host at a remote cabin is a lyin’ psycho and try exploitin’ her craziness fer more subs to their channel with disastrous results. While this flick boasts decent actors and pretty locations, it completely lacks conviction on all fronts with so-so characters losin’ their shit over a pretty escapable killer who’s never as hopelessly threatenin’ as the filmmakers want her to be. The other thang that really sticks in my craw as trivial as it is, how in the world does the she-critic not know her man’s gonna propose to her when he’s constantly uploadin’ his plans to propose to her on their channel? The internet can’t keep a secret! Clogged toilets, hidey holes, Big Brother stalkin’, secret passageways, stabbin’ galore, and a terrific drop-in by scream queen Barbara Crampton for one violent death! 3/5!


A doll lovin’ web show host with alotta pent up rage is sent a Baby Oopsie from the Demonic Toys series in the mail, and once she restores the demon in disguise, she’s a little too eager to sic the homicidal hunk of plastic on her everyday bullies. A loose spin-off that could very well be featurin’ one of the Baby Oopsie clones mass produced in Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys given its gender swap, this first flick from the Full Moon Manor features crisp camerawork, effective pops of Tarantino gore, and a non-stereotypical cast that keep me on my tippy toes for what to expect from any of ’em. Only sours worth mentionin’ is the music being more distracting than complimentary in the first half of the movie, and I feel like the doll lover’s friendship with her tenant was underutilized for some meaningful character development. Mini chainsaw violence, devil doll worshippin’, pee-pot action, mulligan daydreamin’, stranglin’, projectile face-meltin’ vomit, rub-a-dub deaths with a microwave oven, side boobs, severed noses, body hackin’, desk jockey terminations, lotta lotta Full Moon Easter eggs, and more baby doll enthusiasts than anyone would ever suspect! 3/5! 


A documentary on the Amazon is majorly derailed when the filmmakers rescue a stranded poacher who manipulates ’em into huntin’ larger than life anacondas for a dangerous payday. This river monster movie is a little more action than scares as far as tone is concerned but none the less delivers plenty of upscale entertainment with a boat full of soon-to-be-megastars gettin’ fatally squeezed by mechanical CG nope ropes. The moment that will forever sum up the cheeky charm this sucker exudes for me has gotta be Jon Voight’s silly death wink after the anaconda hocks him up like a foul tastin’ loogie. Awesomely unforgettable cheese. Head twistin’, snake-o-vision, explosions, flamin’ snakes, bone crushin’, drownin’, stranglin’ with legs, poisonous wasp snacks, punctured windpipes, on the fly surgeries, wild boar snipin’, baby snakes, finger bitin’, panicked suicides, boat wreckin’, monkey snipin’, anaconda fishin’, waterfall escapes, snake gullet-o-vision, booby trappin’, and tranq shootin’! 4/5! 


A hickville hoppin’ vamper suckles on a pastor’s belittled wife and puts their faith and marriage to the ultimate test as her radical transformation into a sex pot of the night forces him to choose ‘tween bein’ an evil slayin’ holy roller or a criminally supportive husband. Despite this bein’ more or less the vampire version of Santa Clarita Diet, Barbara Crampton proves she’s still every bit the Scream Queen she ever was (nudity and all) and breaks out all the stops from both sides of the camera as this flick’s leadin’ lady and producer. The settin’ is all too familiar with its small town feel, the cast is nothin’ short of engagin’, everyone’s a walkin’ fire hydrant of blood, and the filmmakers manage to give me somethin’ I’ve never seen ‘fore in a vampire flick involvin’ teeth whitenin’ at the dentist office with UV light. Only thing that could make this better is a more memorable head vamper responsible for all this. Worm chewin’, blood vomitin’, Nip slips in the tub, head rippin’, bullets in the back, body nabbin’, curse bribin’ brats, humpin’ with boobs and man ass, CGI rat attacks, flesh eatin’ to the bone, rat head bitin’, flamin’ lips, marital affairs, and an ambiguous endin’! 4/5!


A gal ends up shipwrecked on a little postcard island and plots her escape all the faster when she finds out some big ass fish man comes outta the water every night to hunt for dinner. Barebones storytellin’ at its best, this plot driven creature feature keeps makin’ me think of Tom Hanks in Castaway but manages to keep me invested thanks to a compellin’ talent against beautifully exotic scenery with a gnarly monster revealed in some effectively creepy ways. Only sour worth pickin’ on is the disjointed feelin’ relationships revealed as more folks from her accident wash up on the beach, and the bafflin’ choice for the movie’s title. Impalements with coral, shark fishin’, chum makin’, corpses chowed in half, burial buffets, underwater hidey holes, death rafts, maulin’s, stabbin’s galore, and flare gun defenses! 4/5! 


Despite all that happened in The Purge: Election Year, the New Founders of America are back in office and reinstate the Purge, but a whole buncha extremists wanna celebrate it year ’round and unleash hell ‘cross the nation as some Mexican ranch hands help a family of cowboy fat cats reach sanctuary in Mexico. An entry in the Purge series that’s okay at best, I like switchin’ up the usual city settin’ for the remote landscapes of Texas, but the characters aren’t all that compellin’, the mythos is a little muddled as to whether or not the intention behind this Forever Purge is a war over class or race, and the social subtext feels kinda wishy washy and not well thought out. The biggest surprise, however, is how indirect and tamed alotta of the violence is with cutaways and offscreen death blows. Seemingly bulletproof semis, car wrecks, explosions galore, stabbin’s galore, bullets to the brain basket, front yard executions, Mad Max nods, illegal immigrant tunnels, pregos in danger, firefights galore, stranglin’, James Bond level booby traps, and head whackin’! 3/5!

THE TASK (2011)

Let me save ya some time and cut to the chase. A buncha folks are plopped in a supposedly haunted prison as part of a reality gameshow with alotta borin’ challenges, everyone from the producers to the contestants think they’re bein’ pranked, and when all is said and done, the real ghost of the infamous warden takes ’em all out at the last possible minute in one fell swoop. This supernatural slammer flick has top shelf production value and a decent cast, so it’s a shame its poorly structured story and flat line action sequences fail to build any tension much less develop characters I give two shits ’bout. The filmmakers shoulda studied flicks that did the whole real threats in a game concept better like the House on Haunted Hill remake from 1999. Cool idea for a villain, though, and the poo bath challenge is sure to get a reaction outta ya. Gas chamber executions, eye stabbin’, cookin’ challenges, kidnappin’s, fake peein’, stabbin’s galore, spook doubles, psych-outs, and folks slung all over the place by unsee forces! 2/5! 

FEAR STREET PART 3: 1666 (2021)

The Fear Street trilogy comes to a close as the teens from 1994 use supernatural means to catch up on their local witch’s backstory from 1666 they then exploit to save themselves from the real threat behind the slash happy booga boos risin’ from the grave to get ’em. As someone who wasn’t too thrilled to timewarp from nostalgic pop culture to witch huntin’ pilgrims, I’m relieved the 1666 stuff’s only half the movie. Not that it’s poorly done, mind ya. I just prefer the latter half with Gen Y teens armed with super soakers turnin’ a mall into a black light warzone with undead assassins. Severed hands, gouged eyes galore, illuminated blood taggin’, tunnel chases, devil dealin’, buncha dead young’ns, lesbo action, drowned dogs, pork eatin’ pork, pig stickin’, stabbin’s, ghost trappin’, and vengeful ghosts! 3/5!

THE MAD (2007)

Bad meat turns a small town festival into a zombie outbreak, and a family of passin’ tourists take it ‘pon themselves to stop the farm responsible. A fairly entertainin’ horror comedy with Billy Zane as its leadin’ man savin’ the day, the dialogue’s nice and snappy with well timed pops of respectable gore, but it’s a little too laid back which robs the story of some much needed urgency that woulda pulled me in more. Creepy crawlin’ steaks, maulin’s, flesh chompin’, repetitive tunes, bitch step-moms, insightful debates on what qualifies as zombies, meat grindin’, kidnappin’s, stabbin’s, and decapitatin’! 3/5! 


In this wince worthy Exorcist spoof, the devil repossesses Linda Blair and plans on exploitin’ his televised exorcism to corrupt couch potatoes ‘cross the world ‘less Leslie Nielsen can drag his ass outta retirement and stop him with the help of a young pastor played by Anthony Starke from Return of the Killer Tomatoes. A decent attempt at givin’ horror the Naked Gun treatment for a chuckle, I love the devil’s master plan, but the humor’s more miss than hit for me with jokes that overstay their welcome, almost as if the filmmakers meagerly winged the comedy to pad the film. Linda Blaire’s terrific at makin’ fun of her most iconic role, but I still hold the openin’ act from Scary Movie 2 as the best parody of The Exorcist. Pea soup vomittin’ galore, topless students, boobs in the gym, dogs in a wood chipper, homoerotic gym rats, broadcast possessions, and sight gags galore! 2/5! 


For shits and giggles, the devil randomly burdens a housewife with a speedy pregnancy that’s demonically possessin’ her from the inside out and tasks an ol’ Satan worshippin’ ex of hers to ensure the bundle of terror’s birth or drop dead. A snooze of a spaghetti knock-off of The Exorcist, this possession flick has its moments from laughable nose flutists ambushin’ saps on the street to creepy confrontations that could very well have inspired scenes in the original Evil Dead but ultimately lacks a sense of danger given no one’s life is ever at stake (well, minus the Satanist). With no one in jeopardy of dyin’, this is just one long flick of the devil bein’ a dick! Invasive street performers, jerk music producers, head twistin’, narcoleptic floatin’, how not to follow straight jacket safety procedures, possibly possessed young’ns, evil invisible friends, animated toys, free flyin’ nick knacks, pea soup through a straw, upchuck galore, possessed voice changin’, disappearin’ doors, and one of the craziest scenes EVER captured on celluloid when the devil orders his lackey to rip the baby out of her flyin’ vagina with explosive bodily fluids! 3/5!


Salem, Massachusetts has its saddest turnout for Halloween ever, and local reenactors of the Salem witch trials spend the night runnin’ from a supposedly cursed mob of tourists blamin’ ’em for fatal sickness they believe will take a public execution to cure. An all ’round clever horror comedy with a nice ensemble of characters played by some talented folks, my only gripe with this sucker is the filmmakers’ shortcomings when it comes to anythin’ involvin’ action. Aside from every fight sequence bein’ chopped together in a series of jump cuts, the overall chase itself is an unimaginative joke with a buncha chance encounters strung together by some piss poor geography that makes the reenactors look more stupid than funny. I mean, I imagine Salem’s a big ‘nough town for these local scapegoats to easily avoid bein’ burned at the stake, so why do they feel like there’s no other choice but to elbow their way through droves of attackers at times when literally any other direction is safer? The best part is the pretentious showdown ‘tween thespians when the witch trial reenactors cross paths with the snootier Revolutionary War reenactors. Poisoned stamps, human road kill, Bible thumpin’ troublemakers, talentless agents, escape tunnels, full backside man ass, fatal stompin’, and corn mazes! 3/5!


In this jumbled mess, a gang of yahoos are annoyingly compelled to record every damn thing they do on a trip to a music festival and are harassed by a random couple of livestreamin’ pranksters seekin’ dark web approval by their ninja hacker hero, Bryan, who’s actually the brother of one of their targets. This has a nugget of a decent concept ’round a great idea for a cyber criminal, but it’s all sours after that. The set-up for the purpose behind Bryan’s Terror Eyes site, the relationships ‘mong all the characters, and especially the twists and reveals at the end are just fucked from the get-go, ’cause this movie can’t decide what it wants to do. If this is Bryan’s edited version of a movie, why do we keep cuttin’ to his hacker fan buttin’ in? Are the girlfriends constantly updatin’ social media, ’cause they’re internet famous too or somethin’? What’s the point of editin’ the movie like Bryan’s not ’round when it’s the complete opposite? Is Terror Eyes a platform for users to post awful pranks or a channel for Bryan to share real life and death videos he swipes from other sources? How the hell can anyone hack a camera that has no WiFi? Is this flick worth your time? Nope! 2/5!

BRUISER (2000)

In this Kafkaesque story from the granddaddy of all flesh eatin’ zombie flicks, George Romero, a pushover workin’ for a ‘tude themed magazine randomly wakes up with his face transformed into a livin’ mask and can’t be rid of it ’til he brutally stands up to bullies like his cheatin’ wife and obnoxious boss. While the whole mask thing is nonsensical with no explanation in sight, Romero still delivers an entertaining story that could’ve been an episode of his Tales From the Darkside TV show. The dialogue’s silly at times and Peter Stormare’s over the top performance as the horny magazine mogul’s is borderline ridiculous, but hey — it’s what makes the flick memorable! Fatal freefalls, marital affairs, half-ass disguises, Phantom of the Opera nods, decapitated dummies with confetti, lightshow executions, lasered nuts, boobs in the office, pointless table saws, pool parties, mask makin’, bullets to the chest, boobs in the hot tub, Tom Atkins playin’ detective, and a performance by the Misfits! 3/5! 


When great whites take a bite out of a sight seein’ sea plane, its survivors choose jumpin’ in a life raft ‘stead of immediately flyin’ to safety and pray they drift onto a beach ‘fore the livin’ garbage disposals of the sea turn their feudin’ melodrama into dinner theatre. An okay shark movie at best, I can’t wrap my head ’round why the great whites are fierce ‘nough to eat metal off a plane but too wimpy to bite a hole in a flimsy life raft. Even worse, none of the characters are all that likeable, and those that survive the shark attacks are still nowhere near bein’ rescued as the end credits roll with ’em stranded on Gilligan’s Island. Lover’s quarrels, bump and chow, washed up corpses, futile rescue missions, comically half consumed corpses underwater, shark brain stabbin’, flare gun defenses, and sunken ship chases! 2/5! 

ROGUE (2007)

An Australian river cruise takes an unexpected detour into a big ass croc’s swimmin’ hole and the pissed off dino strands the sight seein’ invaders on a disappearin’ rock they gotta escape ‘fore he gobbles ’em all up. Top shelf production through and through, the only thing this killer animal flick’s lackin’ is dynamic characters. The one note leads are just relatable ‘nough to care a little for whether or not they end up croc chow, but the plot’s more ’bout the desperate situation these interchangeable yahoos find themselves in versus any character driven drama. And fair warnin’ for you dog lovers out there, there’s some ruff scenes toward the end! Outback rednecks, travel writin’ heroes, impaled heads, dead dogs, fishin’ with birds, panicked zip-linin’, mangled corpses, coffee flies, graphic news articles, finale cave fights, and severed fingers! 3/5!


In this failed attempt at turnin’ ‘nother Disney ride into a money makin’ franchises, Eddie Murphy plays a workaholic realtor who’s duped into bringin’ his family to a haunted mansion so a heart broken ghost can make moves on his wife he thinks will break his curse. Almost fun for the whole family, this sucker has top shelf production value out the ass but lacks alotta excitement due to how little danger anyone’s ever in. That said, the best scene has to be when Eddie and his young’ns are fightin’ their way through a buncha gnarly re-animated stiffs in an underground crypt. Outside of that, this is a pretty lukewarm comedy even rugrats might have a hard time sittin’ through. Floatin’ gypsy heads in crystal balls, head knockin’, haunted cemetery drive-bys, ghostly hitchhikers, quests for keys, reincarnated lovers, bugs galore, spider smashin’, unsmashable windows, walkin’ dead, secret passages, dancin’ spooks, and fireplace booga boos! 3/5! 


Immediately followin’ the first flick’s bitter sweet endin’ of a family’s survival ‘gainst killer ears from space, Emily Blunt marches her young’ns to who knows where and unloads her family drama on their nearest neighbor played by Cillian Murphy who’s guilt tripped into helpin’ her deaf daughter reach a radio station to broadcast an e.t. killin’ frequency from her hearin’ aid. Every bit as good as the first Quiet Place, this noisier sequel is a top shelf creature feature that expands the characters’ universe while providin’ insight to the origins of the e.t. invasion. The only sour for me is the lack of worry I feel for any of the main characters no matter how dire their situations get, mostly ’cause they effortlessly blow through a number of sticky situations like with the feral survivors at the pier. Babies in boxes, air tight panic furnaces, head stabbin’s, bullets to the brain basket, maulin’s galore, e.t. cruises, stereo defenses, marina massacres, car flippin’, car wrecks, fallin’ skies, bear traps, noisemaker traps, and e.t. car chases! 4/5!


A hungry werewolf is takin’ advantage of a fly spec town full of loons fightin’ over whether or not their mountain community should be subjected to frackin’, and it’s up to an uber nice forest ranger to save the day. Based on a who-izzit VR game, this flick is beautifully shot and full of snappy dialogue ‘mong a lively cast of characters who’re nothin’ less than entertainin’. Especially Milana Vayntrub’s amazingly magnetic performance as the mail girl, provin’ she’s waaay more than just a talkin’ ad for AT&T I normally fastforward through. Only sour I can find reason to nit pick would be the turbulent escalation that just flies off the rails the last few minutes ‘fore the satisfyin’ reveal there’s actually a werewolf in this sucker. Lotta lotta banter, mangled hands, weirdo doctors, explosions, axe throwin’, frame jobs, explodin’ heads, neck tappin’, offscreen doggy deaths, corpsicles, human road kill, crossbow action, bolts to the chest, firearms galore, and neck stabbin’s! 4/5! 

FEAR STREET PART 2: 1978 (2021)

The teens from 1994 are still marked for death by the witch who cursed ’em for disturbin’ her grave, and they look for help from a previous victim who survived an ol’ summer camp massacre the witch was responsible for. Ten times better than the first part, this is a much better integration of the witch’s layered lore with campers unravelin’ the mystery behind her hold on their town while dealin’ with one of their own becomin’ a possessed axe murderer. The period playlist of tunes is still a little aggressive for my taste, but it’s much more organic this time ’round. Fun time with a lot less obvious copy catin’ from other horror hits. Bangin’ with boobs, great toilet escapes, cursed tunnels, murderous possessions, sad nerd deaths, young’ns hacked to death off screen, some of the most brutal axe murders I’ve EVER seen committed to celluloid, impaled chests, severed hands, color wars, bug bucket pranks, snakes, axed legs, bare ass scratchin’, fire wieldin’ bullies, killer ghost assassins, gooey organ things, and witchy hidey holes! 4/5!


Heavily armed military deserters sail smack dab in the middle of a Hatfields and McCoys dispute ‘tween two island families and must decide if they wanna settle their argument over the treatment of zombies with executions or rehabilitations. A great lookin’ flick with perfectly fine lookin’ CG gore, this final walkin’ dead romp from writer/director George Romero makes up for his last flick, Diary of the Dead, but still falls short of bein’ anythin’ special. It’s a well made flick, mind ya, but nothin’ remarkable stands out ’bout it from the actors to the kills or even zombies themselves. Most unique thin’ that happens is the one family tryin’ to teach zombies to eat things that ain’t human. That’s an interestin’ idea I wish was in the movie more! Fire extinguisher death gags, decapitated zombie heads on pikes, zombie shootin’ galleries, flamin’ heads, undead mailmen, zombie horseback ridin’, free for all horse dinners, zombie quick draws, arm bitin’, folks ripped in half, explodin’ brain baskets, and gun fightin’ massacres! 3/5!


A buncha student filmmakers are alerted to the zombie holocaust durin’ a shoot and drop their mummy movie in favor of jumpin’ on an RV to document the apocalypse while they check on family and friends they hope are still alive. Arguably writer/director George Romero’s least excitin’ zombie flick, I feel like someone must’ve twisted his arm into makin’ this a found footage horror, ’cause he sure goes outta his way to make it anythin’ but. Characters are findin’ extra cameras to capture their hellish road trip from multiple angles then stealin’ moments at random computers to speed edit on the fly to explain all the cuts, and if that weren’t ‘nough, Romero even goes so far as droppin’ in voiceover narratives of folks flat out explainin’ they played scary music over the found footage to scare viewers into seein’ the truth behind the zombie outbreak they feel the media’s denyin’ the public. Aside from that and bein’ a little too preachy with some social message ’bout information overload with everybody packin’ video recorders nowadays, this is entertainin’ meanderin’ with a purpose, but far from the shenanigans that made Night of the Living Dead through Land of the Dead so memorable. Hung zombies, spillin’ guts, hospital massacres, eyeball meltin’, electrocutions, countless head injuries, zombie young’ns, fricassee cop zombies, road pirates, roadkill regrets, CG gore galore, botched suicides, panic rooms, sword fightin’, head splittin’, zombie shootin’ galleries, news reporter massacres, pool party zombies, and flesh bitin’! 5/5! 

HELL TRIP (2018)

Dishonorably discharged for killin’ innocent civilians, two psycho marines somehow manage to get all the grown ass kids of the folks they blame for their predicament to South Africa for an exotic getaway and open season on ’em as heavily armed slashers. Not at all what I expected, this flick should’ve ixnayed the ridiculous revenge seekin’ plot and just been a creature feature that somehow ties into the booga-boo legends of the neighborin’ mountain tribe or somethin’. That would’ve been waaay more interestin’ and believable as weird as that is to admit. Exotic river encounters with blood covered locals, breakdowns, dirt strip airports, lotta stock wildlife footage, splatter showers, eye gougin’, chest carvin’, explodin’ heads galore, mauled bodies, fatal forest traps, Predator nods, kidnappin’, torturin’, impalin’, high powered shootin’, stabbin’s, and conveniently unlocked laptops with all the exposition in one simple chronologically filed folder! 2/5!


Thinkin’ she’s found love online, a teen girl is duped by a cyber predator and trapped in a house where his victims are conditioned to be perverse fantasies of his dead bully for a sister he had the hots for. Even if this ain’t the most original idea, I appreciate a kidnappin’ flick that dares to steer clear of the usual torture porn shockers I’ve come to expect. The kidnapper’s story plays like some psycho’s elaborate plot out of a Batman comic and keeps me guessin’ what’s comin’ next with lots of perfectly placed set-ups, payoffs, and subtexts. The only gripe I have is this sucker bein’ identified as a Halloween movie. The flick starts in October, and the girl’s nabbed outside a Halloween party, but it’s collectively two minutes of screen time at best. Still endin’ up bein’ an entertainin’ movie, but kinda disappointin’ when it was the mention of Halloween that originally hooked me to wanna watch. Basement soul breakin’, Stockholm syndrome, dead rats, stabbin’s, kitchen knife fightin’, private talent shows, infected legs, suffocatin’ with pillows, attempted pill poppin’ suicides, awkward double dates, VR murders, roofied kidnappin’s, zombie cheerleaders and quarterbacks, carpet rakin’ galore, buttocks and side boobs, dead mamas, basement burials, cheerleader dress-up, and nutso hallucinations! 4/5!

STAY (2021)

An aspirin’ supermodel’s dreams for fame and fortune are at risk when her narcissistic livestreams reveal she’s bein’ possessed by the pissed off ghost of a human traffickin’ victim at her new rat hole of an apartment that comes with its own creepy mannequin. Cleverly shot as found footage horror that manages to keep me invested with actors who pop on screen, the plot’s as simple as it gets with some pretty lame scare tactics occasionally dragged out over some painfully longwinded shots, but it’s a nicely shot flick that tells an easy-to-follow story with thoughtful cheats ’round non-existent special effects. Mannequin head gags galore, jump scares in the shower, black water, VHS tapes with all the tragic exposition, malfunctionin’ appliances, bad complexions, gut stabbin’s, haunted elevators, and sage burnin’! 3/5!

UNEARTH (2021)

A desperate grandpappy leases his property to frackers to pay off some deep debt, and his corn farmin’ neighbors are none too happy ’bout it. Especially not after the frackers unknowingly strike some kinda fungus underground that unleashes some last minute body horror through the drinkin’ water. This ain’t the horror movie I expected, Scream Freaks! For starters, this rural soap opera spends the majority of its time on the preachy repercussions of dealin’ with frackin’ companies and tags all the fungus stuff on at the very end to assumingly help the filmmakers secure a distribution deal. This could have been frackin’s version of The Day After with all its insightfully depressin’ messages ’bout mankind’s impact on the environment for the worst, but ’cause the filmmakers decided to turn the last 15 minutes into random special effects deaths, horror fans like me are payin’ the price for admission and ain’t too happy with its failure to meet my expectations! Tainted waterholes, girlfriends bonin’ their dads, extreme close-up bangin’, fungi growths that looks like E.T.’s fingers, hand smashin’, lesbo kisses, wacky tobacky, explodin’ growths, and jelly babies! 2/5! 


A nervous doctor dumps his re-animated experiments in the swamp to avoid an incriminating performance review at the hospital, and the improperly disposed flesh eaters attack folks from waaay too many situations who eventually team-up to fight the undead invasion at its source. An ambitiously homemade zombie flick, I can easily see the epic these backyard filmmakers were tryin’ to deliver with all their charmin’ attempts at fancy camerawork and chop-socky gore, but it sorely lacks the finesse for smoothin’ over its technical shortcomin’s and desperately needs to pick a lane and decide whose story’s bein’ told. With a two hour runnin’ time packed with immoral doctor drama, high school antics, hermit redemptions, bikini beach massacres, and Chuck Norris wannabe park rangers, it’s no wonder this sucker’s as exhaustin’ to watch as an entire TV mini-series in one sittin’. High kick fightin’ galore, dojo fight choreography galore, head neckin’, zombie neck snappin’, mauled bikini girls, boobs in the shower, boobs in a tent, boobs on the beach, flesh chompin’, resurrections, mobster disposal services, human dart boards, macho cops versus zombies, family tragedy flashbacks, bullets to the brain basket, cop on zombie cop violence, and hospital massacres! 2/5!

FEAR STREET PART 1: 1994 (2021)

The rivalry ‘tween two feudin’ high schools upsets the restin’ place of an ancient witch who curses the land with new psycho killers every few years, and they’re all called to action from beyond the grave to slay the disrespectin’ teens. Based on R.L. Stine’s books for the older monster kids, this first part in a movie trilogy is quick to separate itself from the family friendly scares of Goosebumps with grisly deaths, F bombs, and sexual situations, but unfortunately entangles its identity with other horror hits like Scream which it sometimes copycats shot for shot. Aside from its story’s scattered set-up in the first act, I have to admit the sour that turns me off the most is how aggressively ’90s this sucker tries to be with it flyin’ through a whole playlist of ’90s tunes almost every scene with period technology and social issues more or less shoe horned in. Witchy remains, stabbin’s galore, food court massacres, crooked cops, ghost slashers, explodin’ spectres, near death experiences, razor blade girls, home invasions, bloodhound stalkers, car wrecks, unexplained nose bleeds, buddin’ lesbo romances, hospital massacres, ambulance stealin’, and super market massacres! 3/5! 


In this mini-TV movie, the vengeful ghost of a dead pledge is killin’ girls left and right at a sorority house, and it’s up to a handful of new pledges to figure out what’s goin’ on ‘fore they end up just as dead. A tongue-in-cheek horror comedy, my biggest gripe with this sucker is its over the top jokes failin’ to stick the landings, and the story feelin’ rushed to the point of throwin’ me off what agendas each character has due to all the flimsy set-ups. Basically watches like a sad man’s knock off of the Scream Queens TV show. Chests punctured with high heels, splatter showers, near fatal freefalls, electrocutions, fatal hazin’, possessions, multiple knives to the torso, bunk bed crushin’ deaths, impaled heads, and decapitatin’ windows! 3/5!


Well, if there was ever a question the Tooth Fairy filmmakers were copyin’ Tommy Jarvis’s character arch from Friday the 13th parts 4-6, this installment synchs it. Decades after the first sequel’s endin’ teased its hero would ‘come the Tooth Fairy’s protégé of tooth yankin’ death, he’s now a single milk toast dad strugglin’ with his traumatic past while doin’ his darndest to keep boys outta his teenage daughter’s pants on a senior trip. The need to keep his little girl a virgin becomes the least of his worries, however, when she and her friends summon the demonic tooth fairy for shits and giggles and unknowingly start the vicious cycle all over ‘gain. I can appreciate the filmmakers’ accomplishment for pumpin’ out three of these cheap scares and managin’ to snag worldwide distribution deals for each, but it’s sad how the quality never improves. Each flick feels like the same rinse repeat script someone slapped together to shoot over a weekend with special effects supplied by Party City. Not terrible, mind ya, but the filmmakers could stand to try a little harder. Offscreen grindin’, force feedin’, shapeshiftin’, teeth yankin’ with pliers, hobo markets, blindfold taste testin’, demon summonin’, and the Tooth Fairy in a new Halloween mask! 3/5!

BLOOD PI (2020)

After killin’ her folks for the sheer hell of it, a psycho redhead ‘comes violently obsessed with a bookworm classmate she’s compelled to protect over multiple Halloween parties from joinin’ the most abusive sorority on campus. Respectfully shot with an entertainin’ performance by lead slasher Anna Rizzo, this sucker’s unfortunately got one too many sours keepin’ it from bein’ better than it is. Aside from the killer lackin’ that motivatin’ trigger for her spontaneous need to kill and the endless scenes of sad lookin’ Halloween parties, the biggest sour that hurts Blood Pi is the absence of likable characters. The killer’s crazy for all the wrong reasons, the girl she’s obsessed with is too stupid to not deserve what she gets, and the sorority bimbos are just flat out irredeemable. Stabbin’s galore, throat slittin’, skinnin’, nut sack rippin’, chainsaws to the family jewels, bondage, kidnappin’, psych-out calls, face carvin’, human leather dresses, open gang bang invitations, roofie rapin’, teacher student affairs, gunfire to the chest, drowin’ in the toilet, and LSD freakouts! 3/5!


A horror movie journalist accidentally sits in on a support group for serial killers, and once the gang of blood thirsty psychos figure out he’s a tourist, it’s a fight for survival with the help of a vengeance seekin’ vigilante. A total blend of multiple horror references from true crime to slasher franchises and even the Hack/Slash comics, this 1980s period flick complete with wardrobes outta Back to the Future is alotta fun to watch thanks to its mix of lively characters constantly movin’ from one spiralin’ predicament to the next. It manages to be funny without losin’ tension, hits hard with the action, and has some of the most beautiful cinematography and lightin’ with scenes bathed in vibrant neon ‘gainst broken shadows. Severed fingers, stabbin’s galore, hit and runs, neck wounds, severed hands, nails through the brain basket, impalement, projectile vomit, stranglin’ with intestines, killers on ice, eye gougin’, head crushin’, needle stickin’, body hackin’, limb dissolvin’, daggers through the arm, disguises galore, and jailbreaks! 5/5!


Zombies are wrangled for couch potato entertainment on the world’s hottest survivalist gameshow Lucky Stiffs, and the latest contestants aren’t just fightin’ for their lives — they’re fightin’ to expose the warped producer’s plans for world domination! Best described as Snake Plissken dropped into a zombified version of The Running Man with Troma level special effects, this action packed horror on a budget shoots for the moon and makes up for alotta its shortcomings with charmin’ ambition to deliver all the sex and gore I could wanna see in hyper stylized fashion. The editin’ lacks finesse and any scene with dialogue brings everythin’ to a standstill, but the story moves at a good pace and there’s plenty of distinctive characters keepin’ things interestin’. Double decapitations, head smashin’, gut yankin’, intestine munchin’, zombie bikini car washes, prison rumbles, zombie boobs, full frontal cowgirl ridin’, gore-tastic moneyshots to the face, plot point brains, zombie young’n massacres, kung-fu fightin’ galore, flesh chompin’, CGI zombies, cut ‘n paste zombies, zombie themed commercials, head choppin’, green screen explosions, and horror host hall of famer Mr. Lobo as the evil TV producer! 4/5!


A horny housewife moves into her dead ex-husband’s digs with her new family, and her rugrat quickly becomes a supernatural conduit for pissed off forces wantin’ to remind her how her first marriage really ended. A sequel in name only by American distributors, this stand alone spaghetti horror in a haunted house manages to keep me hooked with its awkwardly growin’ tension ‘tween the mom and son and successfully throws in some perfectly timed jump scares with psych-out camera tricks like the boy runnin’ toward the camera to suddenly pop up into frame as the ghost at the last second. The filmmakers might’ve been less subtle about the ex-husband’s exotic exposition to explain all the booga boo action happenin’, but I was happily surprised at how they addressed all my criticisms over the characters’ questionable decisions by the end credits. Voodoo swings, bodies in the walls, pick axes to the chest, needle stickin’, floatin’ boxcutters, floatin’ furniture, suicidal cover-ups, throat slittin’, haunted tea parties, possessed young’ns, possess-o-vision, gnarly hands, drugged drinks, and pointless therapy sessions! 4/5! 


Another sequel in name only, a class field trip to observe a rare ritual in the backwoods of Europe flies off the rails as the duped students are chased onto a possessed train that does whatever the hell it wants ’til the devil claims one of ’em as his virgin betrothed. For an out of towner terror that’s as serious as they come, this sucker is flat out bonkers, and I love every ludicrous minute of it! Lotta runnin’ ’round without knowin’ what to expect next, root worthy characters gettin’ randomly picked off, and gore-tastic kills rangin’ from gruesome scene chewers to laughable transformations into splatter stunt dummies. I only wish the score was more thoughtful with a buncha eerily forebodin’ music that could’ve elevated the tension of the story. Car wrecks, impaled chests, folks cut in half, decapitations by train, off-road choo choos, off-road kills, human matchsticks, ghost bangin’, virgin rituals, fire suckin’ death traps, satanic birth marks, explodin’ locomotives, and psych-out endin’s! 4/5!


15 years later, the survivin’ young’n from the first flick’s all grown up and continues to be taunted by Party City’s version of the demonic Tooth Fairy who’s finally unleashed to yank more folks’ chompers after a reunion ‘mong friends turns into a half cooked revenge plot with demon summonin’. A touch better than the first Tooth Fairy, I like this sequel’s story well enough, but hang my head at just how un-supernatural this teleportin’ copycat still is with her resortin’ to a lot of slasher tactics for killin’. Besides that and thinkin’ 15 years is a little too far in the future for the story bein’ told, I had a real problem with this sucker continuously losin’ momentum with its constant transition from day to night ‘stead of everythin’ happenin’ in one horror filled day. At least the filmmakers got creative for the endin’! Backseat stranglin’ with floss, CGI black eyes, demon callin’ party tricks, kidnappin’, teeth yankin’ galore, pearly white offerings, costumed killer pranks, cornfield visions, nods to Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, and demon on demon action! 3/5!


In this home video lookin’ attempt at feature filmmakin’, out of town sorority girls B-roll their way through Mardi Gras with the occasional stop for actin’ while onlookers gawk in the background and become targets for some kinda voodoo cult. More like a poor man’s version of Girls Gone Wild without all the gratuitous nudity, this barely registers as a horror with all the kidnappin’ and blood rituals packed in the last few minutes ‘fore everythin’ wraps up with a significantly low body count. Kudos to the filmmakers for tellin’ a coherent story on a non-existent budget, but they really needed to deliver more on the expectation for a voodoo horror set on Fat Tuesday in New Orleans. Fightin’ mad frats, conveniently camera rigged voodoo dolls, side boob flashin’, undressin’ from behind, kidnapin’, roofies, pissin’ time POVs, secret societies, undercover cops, lotta messy blood doodling on girls in the buff with chicken feet, voodoo jam sessions, shopliftin’, psychic readin’s, and crypt map quests! 2/5!


A handful of Russian scientists and soldiers take an express elevator miles below the surface to investigate an underground facility with a mean mold problem and find themselves afflicted with Attack of the Mushroom People transformations while racin’ a countdown to a live burial in the busted compound. For such an amazin’ lookin’ flick that hits all the proper beats for escalatin’ horror in slow burn fashion, I can’t believe how borin’ this sucker is. Probably because the characters are all flat and their actions are a bit repetitive which makes it hard for me to stay engaged much less give a damn who dies or not. If it weren’t for the phenomenally disturbin’ fungus effects growin’ outta folks, however, this would’ve been totally forgettable. That said, I wish the boss battle at the end was a little clearer so I could understand what the hell I’m even lookin’ at. Elevators designed after theme park Drop Tower rides, impaled necks, severed arms, intense tans, glowin’ skin, mangled monsters, gross out backsides, pollen burstin’ body bulbs, fridge hidey holes, government operations, bio-weapon motives, bullets to the leg, explosions, and body horror galore! 3/5!


Space truckin’ Dennis Hopper agrees to haul a top secret shipment to Earth to avoid an interstellar ass-whoopin’ and guarantee a desperate waitress’s hand in marriage for a lift, but they’re hijacked by space pirates who reveal his rig’s full of killer robots set to conquer. From director Stuart Gordon, the fella who brought us Robot Jox and Fortress, this sucker is waaay more fun than expected. Even with its cheesy special effects, cartoonish sets, and full display wire stunts, this charmin’ trucker flick ‘mong the stars is non-stop entertainment from beginnin’ to end with western style action, root worthy characters, and waves of memorable bad guys. The one scene that especially had me jumpin’ off my bar stool with excitement was Barbara Crampton’s unexpected cameo! Funeral wake throwdowns, fat guys sucked ass first into space, spaceship chases, asteroid fields, kidnappin’, cyborgs, severed limbs galore, political assassinations, cryosleep recoveries, free floatin’ condiments, teeth knockin’, square porkers, secret dummy defended stalls, explodin’ space rigs, decimated attack squads, pull cord robo-dicks, automated laser defenses, explodin’ cars, and G.I. Joe style parachutin’ to safety! 5/5! 


The demon-bustin’ Warrens are back, and this time, they gotta prove in court demonic possession is a legit defense ‘gainst a murder charge when they investigate a poor schmuck’s entanglement in a witch’s chaotic curse. A family safe horror with mild scenes of gore that’s no worse than any cop show or circus act, this entry in the Conjuring series manages to deliver the usual CG effects and jump scares but with a fresh new spin pittin’ one of horror’s favorite couples ‘gainst evil cults ‘stead of pissed off booga boos. Another solid movie all ’round from the Conjuring universe, the only sour I can even entertain is the lack of tension surroundin’ the Warrens’ life threatenin’ predicaments at this point, and just not givin’ a shit ’bout the young couple they’re tryin’ to help. Bone snappin’ twister, dark altars, underground tunnel chases, sinister illusions, psychic links, bloated corpse puppets, curses, bum tickers, rats galore, waterbed possessions, stabbin’s, attempted exorcisms, body jumpin’, freefallin’ chainsaws, throat slittin’, cult paraphernalia, cliff jumpin’, breakin’ and enterin’, psychic party tricks, and murder reenactments! 4/5! 


The Saw series’ equivalent of Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, there’s a Jigsaw copycat with all the same know-how fer buildin’ elaborate death traps targetin’ the Metro Police Department’s most crooked pigs, and it’s up to Detective Chris “The Snitch” Rock to catch ’em ‘fore a heatwave sweats him off his feet. A worthy Saw sequel even if it is only an offshoot, this is as mean and nasty as any of the other entries but has a different twinge to it given we’ve switched gears from a radical life coach who ultimately conducts exercises in near death experiences to a straight up serial killer out for revenge. The only sour that makes me throw my hands up in baffled confusion is how the movie can’t stick the landin’ when it comes to the reveal of the copycat and their non-sense deal they offer Chris with its countless loose ends. And spoiler, ’cause I gotta get this fucktard storytellin’ off my chest, the killer’s attempt at fakin’ his death makes no sense, ’cause the cops would routinely do a DNA check to identify the body and see it’s not who they think it is. Electrified baths, extreme Chinese finger traps, windshield splatters, tongue rippin’, fatal facials, skin peelin’, skinned corpses, marionettes, dead hogs, explodin’ blue packets, dirty cops shootin’ anyone they don’t like, bullets to the chest and face, broken glass cannons, chases through the fair, dead rat pranks, pistol whippin’, mini tape messages, graphically broken legs, undercover brothers, SWAT action, blood drainin’, and strung up executions! 4/5! 

CAVEAT (2021)

A fella takes a few bucks to watch his shady friend’s damaged niece for a week on a remote island while wearin’ a Houdini vest for sleepwalkers, and sinister truths unravel as the two are manipulated ‘gainst one another by the uncle. While this quiet flick kicks off like a supernatural nerve-wracker, it unfortunately veers into some of that indie bullshit territory with the lead experiencin’ artsy fartsy head games as he realizes he’s in a helluva convoluted plot to cover a murder the filmmakers don’t really care to elaborate on. Luckily, the story gets back to bein’ a horror in the nick of time for Tales From the Crypt comeuppance. What really chaps my ass, though, is how little the toy bunny from all of this flick’s promos is actually used. Thinkin’ this was gonna be a haunted house flick at first, I figure the bunny was gonna act as the character’s ghost detector with its wind-up drummin’ or somethin’, but not the case. At least there’s some real effective creep factors with a corpse in the wall that just makes me shudder every time I see it. Crawlspace escapes, crossbow bolts to the leg, indirect murders, key swallowin’, nutty wives, claustrophobic suicides, freeze positions, attempted murders, zombie moms, and one safe and sound doggy! 3/5! 


In this stripped down version of The Fog, the corpse of a vengeful pirate washes up on a small town’s beach and starts decapitatin’ the ancestors of his crew who stabbed him in the back forever ago while a couple of teenage idiots needlessly spin their wheels tryin’ to clear their name of his first beach party massacre. While this is a buncha silly fun from the studio that brought us Sharknado, I can’t get over how awful the fugitive lovers are as they spend nearly the entire movie thinkin’ they’re gonna be lazy cops’ scapegoats for an open shut case of murder and run from the law to be some of the saddest gumshoe detectives EVER committed to celluloid. All while the cops have already seen the undead matey in action by the second act which renders their quest for the truth pretty damn pointless. At least the ghost of Long John Silver and all the loosey goosey rules for what makes him tick are a hoot to watch. Especially the scene he’s fondlin’ dancers at a strip club while mutilatin’ the bouncers! Arm rippin’ and beatin’, magical self editin’ security cameras that see all, swords to the gut, magical sea chests, vanishin’ acts, ironin’ board boobs on the beach, topless strippers, lap dances, dissected pole dances, severed hands, unexplained glowin’ eyes, head huntin’, decapitations galore, school auditoriums that double for computer labs, and hard rockin’ secretaries! 4/5! 

TRACE (2015)

An audiophile pulls out electronic voice phenomenon as a party trick with his friends and gives a white noise demon full permission to kill ’em all after simply speakin’ his name. A decent idea for a supernatural horror with some pretty loose rules, the camerawork ain’t the liveliest and the cast is mediocre at best, but where this sucker really sours is its failure to gel its main story with some online spook chaser and Russian eggheads slammin’ pencils in their earholes. And while it eventually serves the twist endin’, I was kinda annoyed at how the ESP enthusiast of the group was anythin’ but interested in validatin’ his favorite past time. Secret Russian labs, haunted noises, influenced suicides galore, bashed heads, wrist slittin’, bullets in the gut, rooftop funeral gatherin’s, longwinded explanations of evil, CGI booga boos, double penetrated brain baskets, paranormal hit list, and frantic web shows! 3/5! 

OMEGA COP (1990)

In the dystopian future of 1999, a super cop with an ever changin’ wardrobe is locked out of his home base, ’cause solar flares might’ve stricken him with a bad case of black face, and is forced to run ’round rescuin’ damsels in distress from Road Warrior lookin’ slave traders. An action flick with just ‘nough in its shoestring budget to afford Adam West for an afternoon, this shoot ’em up is ’bout as bland as it gets. Lotta one dimensional characters mind numbingly runnin’, drivin’, and shootin’ at each other with nothin’ remarkable happenin’ for any of it to be fun or memorable save the explosion at the end that magically blows the hero cop into a pair of swim shorts. Was it this or the scene of him fightin’ a gang by law of finders keepers for his lost hat that made folks want a sequel?!! Firearm stealin’, longwinded chase sequences, the Ultimate Warrior in drag, flyin’ bullets galore, big schmancy guns, slave trade raids, kung-fu fightin’, solar flares, General Hospital in the year 1999, suicidal doctors, sleepin’ beauties, strung up fondlin’, and electric fence victims! 2/5!


A gang of friends are suckered into visitin’ an apple orchard so famous, it only has one apple picker, and encounter Goosebumps lookin’ ghosts and mentally handicap Tor Johnson wannabes ‘fore learnin’ their blood is the secret ingredient that’ll be somehow spread ‘cross countless acres of land to bear the juiciest apples anyone’s ever tasted. Okay at best, this farmland slasher lacks a lot of tension and build-up, ’cause it fails to properly set-up a creepy legend associated with the orchard to get the fear rollin’ ‘mong a buncha so-so characters who’re waaay too distracted by Ruin My Lifetime drama after a boyfriend smacks his arm candy ’round. Doesn’t help the kills are pretty lame too. Pitchforks through chests, blood farmin’, inner noodle chitter chatter, lady smackin’ with every cliché excuse in the book for why it had to happen, apple gags, parkin’ with boobs, apple pickin’, useless spooks, new ghosts confusingly in older period clothin’, fender benders, stabbin’s, suicides, shotguns to the face, bullet swallowin’, wolf attack back stories, and torture with boobs! 3/5!


When Haylie Duff and her carful of horror trope buddies crash at her fat cat dad’s Airbnb ranch unannounced, their obnoxious antics piss off the world’s most temperamental groundskeeper to the point the damaged Marine can’t help but go full psycho on their asses to be rid of ’em. While this mediocre slasher is decently shot and boasts a fairly talented cast, I think its major flaw is how the killer’s written to be less of a cold calclulatin’ mastermind and more of an impulsive mad man flyin’ by the seat of his pants from one situation to the next. Entertainin’ to say the least, but not my first choice for passin’ a rainy afternoon. Landmine deaths, offscreen rape, dead young’ns offscreen, bottled family members, severed tongues, shoot ’em ups galore, snipers, bullets to the brain basket galore, bikini babes on boats, breakin’ and enterin’, four wheelin’, disclaimer speeches similar to enterin’ Jurassic Park, and nosey man children on bicycles! 3/5!


While the world’s bein’ wrecked by some big bad virus, a couple of yahoos are charged with findin’ some MIA scientist in the woods workin’ on a cure, only to find a tag team of mean green shroom trippin’ hippies tryin’ to communicate a truce with Mother Nature through psychedelic light shows from a book of witchcraft. A slow burn indie of sci-fi lite with ‘nough longwinded kaleidoscope sequences to contend with those in Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, this semi-apocalyptic flick has nuggets of interestin’ ideas but its preference for style over substance leaves a lot to be desired regardin’ any dynamic characters I feel compelled to root for. The biggest sour, however, is this bein’ one of those bullshit make-of-it-what-you-will kinda stories with the filmmakers refusin’ to commit to the experiments actually makin’ contact with an elemental deity or it all bein’ stoned illusions. Ambush beatin’s, shoe stealin’, roofy lullabyes, gashed feet, axed toes, carterized wounds, flashin’ lights galore, kidnappin’, head bashin’, impaled eyes, freakout shroom fogs, annoyin’ noises galore, dope-o-vision galore, disembowled corpses, and morbid portraits! 2/5!


Globe-trottin’ YouTubers land in Casablanca for their next travel vid and get ridiculously caught up in their crone of a landlord’s convoluted plot to have ’em possessed and sacrificed to extend her son’s demonically possessed life in a disappointments room. This movie looks great and has a few actors who really light up the screen, but putrid polecats, its story is just a shambled mess of over complicated twists, ambiguous relationships, and squirrely hem hawin’ ‘tween bein’ a comedy or a horror and whether or not it wants to be found footage or not. Expect to be confused and laughin’ at every characters’ whackadoo reaction from acceptin’ public rage rants ‘gainst mamas as normal to bein’ cool with passengers chokin’ ’em while drivin’. Satanic cults terribly disguised as weddin’s, demonic possessions, ceilin’ crawlin’, road rage, leg cuttin’, distorted voices, live burials, impaled faces, possessed rape, dingalings, head to toe blood baths, and demonic rituals! 2/5! 


Las Vegas has fallen to a zombie outbreak with its own hierarchy, and a gang of hired guns infiltrate their dystopia to nab a fat pay day from the ruins ‘fore the government nukes ’em all to kingdom come. Fun ‘nough to not feel like a restless two and half hour veg fest in front of my TV, this stylish romp from filmmaker Zack Snyder boasts an engagin’ ensemble of likable ass kickers and even manages to remarkably provide memorable zombies with a scene stealin’ king and queen of the walkin’ dead. The only sours I think this flick could’ve done without is the needlessly complicated plot twists toward the end when greedy backstabbin’ would’ve sufficed, and its downer of an endin’ with nobody gettin’ what they want. Zombie shootin’ galore, head pops galore, head splittin’, flesh tearin’, arm bitin’, head twistin’, safe crackin’, zombie test dummies for booby traps, microwaved hands, squishy deaths, explosive suicides, zombie horses, zombie tigers, face eatin’, helicopter fists fights, zombie fetuses, decapitation with wires, zombie nabbin’, bullets to the leg, big ass power saws, nuclear fireworks, helicopter crashes, sleepin’ dead, impalement, spearchuckin’, and formal inductions to the undead! 4/5! 


It’s Inception meets The Exorcist as Aaron Eckhart plays a vengeful cripple who needs no explanation for how he enters possessed folks’ noodles to snap ’em outta their demonic trances, and his latest case might be too much for him to handle when he finds the uber demon who killed his family hangin’ out in a broken family’s young’n. A top shelf production with a cool spin on Oscar winnin’ ideas, the only sour this flick oozes is a lack of tension with criminally one dimensional characters simply fulfilling their roles to move the story forward. Without developin’ meaningful relationships ‘mong the characters or givin’ Aaron a dynamic story arc to build him up as a relatable lead with texture, this watches like an indifferent studio flick driven by rinse repeat plot points. Demonic call girls, floatin’ handicaps, assassinations by the homeless, window jumpin’ galore, psych-out endin’s, rubber room escapees, shapeshiftin’ disguises, demon blood boosters, tragic flashbacks, arm breakin’, and body jumpin’! 3/5! 

A poor sap is randomly trapped in an endless loop of artificial rainbow death in VHS graphics and has to escape his apartment ‘fore his demonic neighbor busts in to tear him apart. A silent horror that’s best described as the endin’ of Altered States stretched thinly over the storytellin’ bones of Happy Death Day, this one location situation flick may not offer a lot in character development or context for that matter but makes up for those shortcomings with an assault of style that’s like poppin’ acid dipped Skittles through my third eye as it tries makin’ contact with Stanley Kubrick’s soul on the moon with a mini-dv camera. For all its tolerance testin’ experimentation in surreal filmmakin’ , however, I have to give this flick kudos for its thoughtful edits, well timed pacin’, and sound design which were all impressive from the get-go. Respawnin’ galore, rainbow butterflies galore, wrist slittin’ suicides, evil projections, psych-out endin’s, demonic threats, and gassin’! 2/5!


A masked slasher’s crucifyin’ supposed frat boy rapists with power tools ’til one of the victims’ sister stops the campus massacres in pretty anti-climatic fashion. A little more crime thriller than horror, this college chiller looks great and boasts a decent cast but miserably fails at creatin’ tension by buryin’ or breezin’ past pertinent details that would help me get a better grasp on who I wanna see live or get their just desserts. The exclamation mark game barely plays into the plot, relationships ‘mong characters are taken for granted, it’s never clear if anyone really deserves to be punished or not thanks to a weak backstory and ineffective set-ups, the last girl has little to no arc and ain’t even one of the killer’s targets which leaves me stupefied why he bothers hangin’ ’round for Tom and Jerry antics at the very end. Skip. Bolts to the chest, disembowelin’, hand to hand combat, man ass, guys masterbatin’ to computer porn, throat slittin’, splatter on the toilet, rando beat ’em ups, under the bed ambushes, jizz testin’, floatin’ phone graphic obstructions, snitch stalkers, interrogation drama, and indifferent reactions to supposed rape! 2/5! 


A grown ass man in a bad wig and witch make-up passes himself off as a leprechaun with Jedi powers and hunts a European gang of lowlifes some cryptid fanboy hires to steal his pot o’ gold. Homemade lookin’ and bad all the way ’round, this non-holiday horror (You read right. This ain’t a St. Patty’s Day flick!) features some below average actin’, unimaginative camera work, rough edits, and even rougher make-ups like the party shop mask the title monster wears. If the filmmakers had just focused more of the movie’s perspective through the expectin’ father’s side of the story and given him more of a pivotal role in his gang’s pesky predicament to wanna redeem himself for, this could’ve been more tolerable. Human matchstick workarounds, and human pretzels! 2/5! 

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