Screaming Soup!

Z – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

ZAPPER! (2023)

In a race fer ultimate power, a venomous gang of rival big wigs hire banana armed hit men called “zappers” to collect puzzle pieces in a high stakes game to obtain a longboard that can change their psychedelic world of seizure inducin’ rainbows for better or worse. Best described as Andy Warhol’s headfirst plunge into a black light poster of Adult Swim toons after downin’ a handful of acid dipped Skittles, this indie flick is a lot to take in. While the first few minutes feel a little amateur with an assault of style over substance, the story picks up steam after the first hired banana’s death and quickly develops into a fairly entertainin’ round robin of unconventional characters takin’ the audience through an unpredictable world of dinosaur filled bars, flyin’ heads, and weaponized food products. Experimental fun that never takes itself too seriously, this is a flick viewers won’t soon forget ’cause there’s nothin’ else out there like it! Laser firin’ bananas, explodin’ cans of soup, car wrecks, flashin’ light warnin’s, eye rocks, backstabbin’ galore, flyin’ clocks, electrocutin’, ambushin’ “moose” heads, laser pugs, hoola-hoop girls, skin carvin’,  drinkin’ hole massacres, doppelganger showdowns, toy boat smokin’, repurposed sculptures, and green screens galore! 3/5!

ZARDOZ (1974)

In the far flung future, Sean Connery is a manipulated mutant who gets wise to his flyin’ head fer a god, Zardoz, and discovers his savage world is really at the mercy of a buncha froufrou immortals livin’ in a utopian bubble he plots to pop while they study his hard-ons. Callin’ this flick weird is an understatement, Scream Freaks! While this sucker presents a unique ‘nough idea fer a memorable sci-fi flick and cleverly casts the original James Bond to keep me invested in his character’s fate, it’s narrative’s a little all over the place and unravels into a tolerance testin’ mess by the final act that feels like three different endin’s. Aside from the everlastin’ overlords happily beggin’ for death like it’s candy and the goofy mastermind behind Zardoz hammin’ it up fer the screen, my favorite part is Connery sayin’, “Potatoes?” Boobs on horseback, gunshots to the face, geezer, time travelin’, magic crystal nonsense, hitch hikin’ in gun vomittin’ stone heads angry at evil penises, forced farmin’, psychic attacks, plant eatin’ defenses, naked folks in baggies, laboratory prisms, forehead crystals, know-it-all rings, horn dog inducin’ sweat, jump cuttin’ family portraits, garden party massacres, geezer parties, and Connery in a dress! 3/5!

ZARKORR! THE INVADER (1996)

If you’re lookin’ for a guy in a rubber monster suit breakin’ shit, then skip to the last 5 minutes of this people heavy flick and call it quits. Seriously, the whole movie is a tiny alien teeny bopper telling a postal worker he’s been chosen to defeat a monster they dumped on Earth for the hell of it, and he spends the whole movie just beggin’ people to help him. Laser proof shields, monsters protected by animal activists, FBI disguises, makin’ friends at gunpoint, mountain destroyin’ intros, cities destroyed, cryptzoologists, crippled hackers who won’t pay for your meals, over the top hick sheriffs, and BARELY any monster. 2/5!

ZOMBEAK (2006)

A group of comical Satanists kidnap a trailer trash hooters waitress to be Satan’s bride, but when her redneck friends come to rescue her, they accidentally trap Satan in a sacrificial chicken that’s peckin’ pissed and out for blood and eye balls! This is one of those movies that’s so borderline for bein’ so bad it’s good, it’s not even funny. A humorous enough script with good characters and decent effects, the movie’s most unbearable trait is the cast’s actin’ that leaves you rootin’ for the Saturday Night Live chicken prop to kill them all off. Mommy issues, extreme backwoods justice, Satanic pregnancies, possessions, zombie chickens, eyes pecked out, Hot Topic shoppers, baby fetish brutes, gunshots to the head, guts eaten out, white trash chivalry, and axes to pregos! 2/5!

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (2011)

The world has fallen into a zombie apocalypse and gangs of one note survivors join up to fight their way to a uninfected island off the coast of California. This is as generic as zombie movies get. If ya like watchin’ video games of folks mindlessly killin’ their way from point A to B, then partner, you’ll enjoy this lackluster flick. It watches like the most watered down episode of The Walking Dead you’ve ever seen with zero character development, no creative kills, and snooze worthy situations. Only thang I took away from this bore fest is some eye candy and a laughable buddy system that could be life or death when ya gotta take a dump in a bush. Not a hard pass, but not recommended ‘less you’re hard up fer somethin’ to watch. Human meals, flesh eatin’, zombies versus heavy duty machine guns and grenades, chicks with swords, archers, splattered remains, nose bleedin’, porta potty zombies, and zombie dogs! 3/5! 

ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013)

When the sun goes down, the dead randomly stir from their dirt naps fer a zombie apocalypse and chase a meanderin’ gang of bitter neighbors ’round fer a fleshy late night snack ’til dawn. Great cast and gore, but one helluva lousy story thanks to franetic editin’ and lack of character development that leaves the movie feelin’ as aloof and impersonal as a commercial fer car insurance. If this Syfy/Asylum flick had just taken the time to properly set-up characters with even an ounce of depth and given ’em some goal like an ultimate plan for escapin’ or stoppin’ the zombies, it’d be ten times less inane. Good ‘nough to play in the background of a lively Halloween party, but not much else. Zombie road kill, severed legs, amputee zombies, neck and belly bitin’, blind woman bumblin’, bullets to the brain basket, graveyard chases, fallin’ into funeral cemetery plots, home invadin’ zombies, weirdo babysitters, police station massacres, car wreckin’, and underground chases! 2/5!

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)

When the infamous Jon Mikl Thor from Rock’n Roll Nightmare is runover by spoiled teens, a yodelin’ voodoo witch brings him back to life as a stumblin’ zombie ready to serve his killers some vigilante justice with a baseball bat. As bad as folks may pan this flick, I think it’s pretty damn entertainin’. The script’s sturdy enough, the story’s wonderfully nutty, the performances are fine cheese, and you get to rock out to one kick-ass soundtrack. Biggest thing I’d fault this oddity for is its loss of momentum toward the end when Thor prematurely kills the guy who actually ran him over, leavin’ him with second string baddies to chase the rest of the flick. Hit and runs, stabbin’s, voodoo zombie resurrections, Haitian wardrobes that look Asian, hot tub scenes with clothes on, ’80s club scenes, attempted rape, head crushin’, gym chases, convenient store robbery rescues, victims who refuse to call the police, spaghetti sandwiches thrown in moms’ faces, confusin’ly shot cruises around town, make-out sessions on the tennis court, girls strangled with bats, guys impaled with baseball bats, smashed faces, and Adam West plays a crooked cop who gets yanked down to hell by a zombie! 3/5!

ZOMBIE TIDAL WAVE (2019)

An ocean’s worth of zombies are escapin’ an underwater research vessel, and tsunamis are crashin’ them into a nearby island where Ian Ziering and his friends fight to turn the tide with taser rigged knives and explosives. Another imaginative mash-up between monsters and natural disasters from the creators of Sharknado, this  Syfy flick boasts charmingly cheesy effects and wacky action, but it never delivers a truly “Wow” moment I feel sets it much apart from other generic zombie flicks full of tail-chasin’ plots and mediocre-kills. It comes close to makin’ a name for itself with its heroes’ choice of weapons to kill the undead, but this will be more memorable as the zombie flick where the walkin’ rot can actually swim and fight! Pied piper maneuvers, zombie chain electrocutin’, infectious bitin’, two zombie tidal waves, zombie maulin’, hospital massacres, boatin’ massacres, beach massacres, downtown bazooka action, girlfriend sacrificin’ dicks, unplugged ukulele performances for the dead, Fulci concerts, careless firework displays, explosions, severed arms, electric charged knifes, big-ass machetes, corporation cover-ups, biological warfare, zombie fist-fightin’, scuba divers turned chum, explodin’ heads, impalement, and a line of zombies take turns gettin’ and propeller to the face! 4/5!

ZOMBIE TOWN (2023)

When a small town’s resident horror director comes out of retirement to premier his latest masterpiece ’round Halloween, a theater employee sneaks a peek with his own midnight showin’ and accidentally unleashes an Egyptian spell in the movie that turns the whole town into soul suckin’ zombies. Wonderfully shot, decently acted, and featurin’ a jumpin’ soundtrack full o’ licensed tunes, the entertainment value of this family friendly flick from R.L. Stein falls somewhere ‘tween Goosebumps and Fear Street. Aside from the sad Halloween atmosphere, the biggest sour I gotta knock this fer is the director’s convoluted backstory to his fame and fortune that’s nothin’ short of confusin’. I mean, he reveals he’s been usin’ this magic to turn hapless folks into bankable monster movies with their souls trapped on celluloid. How has he never been linked to decades worth of these missin’ yahoos? Do audiences not recognized their loved ones on screen when they watch his stuff? And when he has a battle with his guilty conscience, he whines ’bout not wantin’ to destroy the films to release his victims’ souls, ’cause that’s the same as givin’ up his legacy. Huh? Is destroyin’ these prints gonna wipe out every copy of ’em from Blurays to VHS, too? What ’bout the digital copies? Makes zero sense and really ruins the tension. Urinal prank scares, theaters full o’ zombies, PG level soul suckin’, zombie makin’, knock-out Halloween decorations, protective Eyes of Ra, magical film canisters, heroes with small bladders, sad Halloween parties, Crystal Skull Vodka nods, hog tyin’, and a cameo by R.L. Stein himself in the credits! 2/5! 

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (2019)

After months roostin’ at the White House, the last flick’s gang of rule obsessed zombie bashers break up over their doubts and insecurities but brought back together by fate when Little Rock runs away to a defenseless hippie commune, forcin’ Wichita to call on Tallahassee and Columbus’s help to find her with the growin’ threat of super zombies on the horizon. Every bit as fun as the first Zombieland, Double Tap is more of the same ol’ zombie apocalypse high jinks but with necessary character growth and world buildin’ to help fans tell one flick from the other. That said, fer every call back to Tallahassee bein’ some celebrity’s diehard fan boy or Columbus’s non-stop promotion of his survival tips, this flick does offer things I ain’t seen ‘fore, like mobs of undead bein’ tore up by a monster truck and zombies tricked to their freefallin’ demise like stampedin’ cattle. I only wish Tallahassee and Columbus’s doppelgangers could hang ’round longer than a scene so they could be rubs fer ’em to deal with. White House lawn massacres, suped up presidential rides, zombie transformations, vomitin’ galore, gun meltin’, zombie destruction galore, eyeball eatin’, dumb zombies, smart zombies, super hard to kill zombies, zombie malls, explodin’ mini-vans, hipster posers, Elvis museums, fire wall defenses, and a special shoehorned scene of Bill Murray killin’ his share of zombies! 4/5! 

ZOMBIES VS STRIPPERS (2012)

A zombie outbreak finds its way into a hole in the wall tiki strip joint called the Tough Titty, and its adult entertainers must survive herds of the undead while rakin’ in a mother load of cash from chumps wantin’ to party like it’s the end of the world. If you enjoyed Zombie Strippers, you’ll enjoy this Full Moon skin flick full of well written characters, believable situations, and bountiful eye candy. I only wish I could see it made with a bigger budget! Gooey zombie bites, undead dentures, fatal mosh pits, holy role playin’, ass bitin’, undead Hambo cameos, face rippin’, zombie on zombie bangin’ and eatin’, methhead robots, biker warriors, strip teases, pole dancin’, big boobs, little boobs, tan boobs, black boobs, white boobs, Thriller gags, human torches, ear bitin’, and high heel clubs! 4/5!

ZONE TROOPERS (1985)

American G.I.s end up behind enemy lines in Italy circa World War 2 and defend a stranded bug eyed alien from probe happy Nazis. A solid two-fisted tale for all ages, its performers have an uncanny chemistry you can’t deny, and the alien tech is a fond nod to sci-fi designs of yesteryear. I only wish I could have seen this made with a bigger budget for more war action! Hologram make-out sessions, tobacco snacks, egg naps, fugly femaliens, larger than life wind-up toys, space rays, pop shots at Hitler, tanks, troublesome reporters, and Tim Thomerson’s greatest performance as Sarge! 4/5!