Y – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


A gang of academic truth seekers hike the same mysterious trail an entire town randomly disappeared on decades ago and find themselves in a neverendin’ wilderness of mind warpin’ noise pollution. While the premise of investigatin’ a Roanoke Island kinda disappearance is a terrific hook fer gettin’ me invested in joinin’ a semi-interestin’ crowd of yahoos on their journey into madness, this flick unfortunately spirals into alotta pointless meanderin’ that refuses to develop the plot any further. Even worse, I hung in there to the end (with some fastforwardin’ mind ya) to learn the truth behind the trail, and it’s complete and utter bullshit. Just a buncha ambiguous nonsense in a old timey movie theatre that refuses to give up any satisfyin’ explanation for what I just sat through. Another sour fer me is why the filmmakers bother with all the nods to The Wizard of Oz if they aren’t gonna visually tie that in more as a theme. It’s public domain. Run with it! Fatal freefalls from cliffs, possessed hats, throat stabbin’s, wrist slashin’ suicides, trippin’ on berries, old timey tunes galore, face tearin’, leg rippin’, and corpses dressed as scarecrows! 2/5!


After a loyal friend loses his mountain climbin’ buddy to a yeti in the snow capped mountains, he embarks on a one man rescue mission that results in his own search party lead by his ol’ military unit. Stuck on the mountain, this militant gang of firearm packin’ skiers and snowboarders must defend themselves against CGI beasts and avalanches. This TV-flick ain’t the worst thing from the SyFy channel, but it’s far from a winner. I’m just thankful it’s watchable, offers plenty of tolerable characters, and isn’t super saturated of color like so many of SyFy’s productions. Busty barmaids, G.I.Janes, avalanches, yeti ambushes, slashin’, snowboardin’, skiin’, last stand cabins, and Highlander helicopters! 3/5! 

YzyogaOGA HOSERS (2016)

The teenage she-clerks from Tusk get their turn at a horror movie as their off-key rockin’ shenanigans disrupt a dormant Canadian Nazi experiment below their store and sets loose a teenie tiny army of killer ass drillin’ bratwursts called Bratzis. If you’re looking for Kevin Smith to give you another disturbin’ film like Tusk, you’ll be sadly disappointed, but this is still a fun little film that’s more original than most other things you can watch. The girls are entertaining, Johnny Depp’s back as his favorite goofball man-hunter, and the effects are charmingly camp. My only gripe with this film is it feels a little bit like 2 different movies between the girl’s comedy and the horror at the halfway point. I don’t feel like they were blended together well enough from beginning to end. Teenage Satanists, botched sacrifices, date knives, musical cock blocks, impersonation roulette, moving moles, ass drilling, body part golems, yoga combat, cell phone meltdowns, Bratzis in the microwave, splat Bratzis, sauerkraut blood, Nazi cloning, girl rock bands, and secret toilet passageways! 3/5!


A supposedly prehistoric past full of dinos unravels into an apocalyptic future with android overlords when a wigged warrior named Yor meanders from one adventure to the next with a jealous cave girl and her geezer guardian and discovers his destiny to usher his lost tribe of bomb shelter babies back into a savage world. While the hook is obviously sword and sorcery meets sci-fi, this winnin’ combo doesn’t happen ’til waaay later in the flick, makin’ me think I was suckered by false advertisin’ most the movie. Regardless, this is charmin’ cheese that moves at a fun pace with never-endin’ dangers and special effects while managin’ ‘nough drama ‘mong its characters to keep me invested in their quests. Highlight of the whole thang is the geezer guardian’s spontaneous circus performance of a special effects rescue toward the end ya gotta see to disbelieve! Slaughtered dino puppets, sand mummy cults, killer robots, tube labs, treetop getaways, village massacres, rebel uprisin’s, laser blastin’, maze of totems and mirrors, dangerous sailin’, blood drinkin’, hang glidin’ bats, bow and arrow action, axe fightin’, blue meanie plunderers, u.f.o. attacks, fatal freefalls, impalin’, explodin’ fortresses! 3/5!


A college graduate comes home to celebrate the 4th of July and is attacked by a home invadin’ maniac who chases her all over the neighborhood. Surprisingly, this ain’t a found footage flick, but one of them experimental kind of artsy fartsy movies shot directly from the last girl’s point of view, eyelids and all. That said, this is either brilliant bullshit or one of the most pretentiously borin’ flicks I’ve seen in a long time that forces me to fast forward through oceans of pissin’ time. I strongly recommend you try watchin’ this with a VR headset for a more intense viewin’. Start it at the 55 minute mark when the horror finally starts or enjoy a John Malkovich joyride in a young woman’s body for hang outs and parties for the first hour. First person walkin’, bikin’, pot smokin’, drinkin’, firework shows, stabbin’s, maniacs wearin’ other folks’ faces, killers turned to Swiss cheese, and shoot ’em ups! 2/5!  


When a group of friends visit what’s rumored to be author Stephen King’s hometown, they find themselves being stalked and killed liked characters in King’s stories, leaving them wondering if the killer is the horror legend himself. A crazy fun idea for a slasher film with King as its “supposed” killer, but this unfortunate mess of an indie film can’t pull it off with its inability to find balance between humor and horror and doesn’t get too creative when intermixing its movie elements with King’s work. Plenty of babes though. Super glue traps, throat slitting, bodily dismemberment, post traumatic stress prankin’, finger sniffin’, the best of Stephen King nods, the die hard Stephen King fan nods, Richard Bachman nods, sandy spewin’ deaths, token black guys jammin’ out, chronic masturbators, boobs, men’s asses, and wakeboarding. 2/5!


Spoilers, ahead for what shoulda been called You Should Have Left This Movie Alone! Kevin Bacon takes his Fast and Furious trophy wife and their little girl from Hollywood to a remote getaway home in Wales for some R&R, and after an hour of family drama regardin’ his troubled past as a high rollin’ banker cleared of killin’ his wife, the movie finally starts to resemble a horror with the house turnin’ into some supernatural cat and mouse maze of the devil’s for trappin’ sin-ridden souls like Kevin’s. Why? ’cause after convincin’ the audience he didn’t kill his first wife the whole flick, it turns out he really let her drown in a tub outta hate when he coulda easily yanked her out. This is too much metaphorical, the hero’s their own worst enemy bullshit for me. There’s never ‘nough of a blatant physical threat to the characters, it takes forever to get to the horror, the openin’ scene makes no sense, and the endin’s anythin’ but satisfyin’ for everythin’ I sat through. The actin’ and cinematography is great, the story just sucks. Cheatin’ affairs, supernatural time travelin’, peepin’ toms with polaroids, tub ghosts, manic mazes, face bashin’ with crutches, evil doppelgangers, and yer best weapon in a house of the devil is a right angle! 2/5! 

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