X – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

X (2022)

After seein’ a buncha amateur filmmakers make a porno on her farm, a livin’ wrinkle of a hag ‘comes so sexually frustrated when no one will bang her, she goes on the warpath to catch their breakout talent fer her own sick pleasure while killin’ her horned up co-stars. A wildly absurd premise shot in all seriousness, this sucker has to be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! For such a graphic subject matter, things surprisingly remain tasteful throughout with just ‘nough visual blips and hints to get the intended gist ‘cross, and it’s a fun toss up ‘tween laughs and sheer skin crawlin’ moments of “Eeeeewwww!” Nail impaled feet, eye stabbin’s with pitchforks, backlit dongs, gators, stabbin’s galore, full frontal carcasses, basement dungeons, shotgun blasts to the face, hip breakin’, heart attacks, wrinkle on wrinkle action ‘tween the sheets, submerged cars, surprise snuggle buddies in bed, hand smashin’, head crushin’, and major kudos to Mia Goth fer playin’ the slasher AND the last girl which may be a first! 4/5!


A doctor experiments on his peepers with x-ray eye-drops to help his fellow man but his good intentions spiral into a mess of murder, sight beyond sight, and a hefty resume of odd jobs. I haven’t watched a lot of Ray Milland’s movies, but his portrayal of the tragic Dr. Xavier has to be one of his best performances captured on celluloid with each scene makin’ me root for him more than the last while fearin’ for his sanity as his sight gets crazier. Not bad for a Roger Corman flick! X-ray surgeries, holy healin’ scams, sideshow hustles, crooked gamblin’, fatal freefalls, helicopter chases, abstract x-ray tunnel vision galore, naked twist dancin’ without boobs, dead lab monkeys, and eye gougin’! 4/5! 


Victims of e.t. probin’ come together for group therapy and share their campfire tales of alien encounters that build up to one big UFO invadin’ conspiracy. I gotta give it to the filmmakers, this support group angle is a great way to tell an anthology, and that premise is only sweetened with some nice practical special effects and a cameo by Brinke Stevens. Unfortunately, these perks are overshadowed by bad actin’, unbalanced segments, and poor attention to story details like the narrator of the third story supposedly dyin’ but livin’ to tell the tale in group. One of the few parts that make it all worth watchin’ this flick is when the silly brain monster puppet gobbles down a young’n and the horribly acted babysitter screams, “No! Not the baby!” E.t. abductions, ringin’ noises, nasal rammin’, tinfoil hats, severely distorted features, body piercin’ with e.t. relics, horrible haircuts, knittin’ needles through the leg, monstrous transformations similar to The Thing, laughably operated baby eatin’ brain creatures, interstellar shapeshifters, alien vessels, and laser eyes with explodin’ heads! 3/5! 


While gettin’ a routine check-up at the hospital, Barbi Benton doesn’t recognize one of the doctors is her childhood admirer who turned her play date crush into a coat 19 years ago, and he easily manipulates her into humiliatin’ tests by the regular doctors for a bogus case of bad news no one wants talk ’bout, while he slashes through the staff for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s a sign of the times or what, but I find it hard to believe Barbi would let the hospital manhandle her naked and book her a room for days on end without so much as an explanation. I mean, not even the audience is clued in to whatever the doctors think is wrong with her, and it just adds to the claustrophobic frustration this movie incites with everyone closin’ in on a perfectly sane and helpless person for all the wrong reasons. On ‘nother note, this is supposed to be a Valentine’s Day horror, but it’s more decoration than anythin’ that really plays into the story. Gift wrapped heads, young’ns impaled on coat hangers, stabbin’ galore, deaths by bone saws, stiffs stuffed in lockers, lethal injections, close-up needle stabbin’, tragic Valentine’s Day backstories, human match sticks, topless physicals, three ol’ bats outta Macbeth of somethin’, acid facials, extreme cake cuttin’, rooms full of mummies, and hatchets to the back of the head! 3/5!


After a mad Louisianan scientist resurrects a dino-gator, breedin’ its species is the next step so long as his ex-wife and local swamp authorities don’t stop him and his hillbilly henchmen. A SyFy Channel original, this ain’t all bad, but far from good with lackluster cinematography and horrible dialogue the actors have to deliver in the most forced ways. The CGI dino-gator’s alright, and Supernatural fans will get a kick out of Mark Sheppard playin’ its creator. Explosions, kidnappin’, shirtless gals, swamp folks turned gator food, SeaWorld performin’ dino-gators, egg-citin’ endin’s, and sci-fi henchbillies! 3/5!

XTRO (1982)

Sam returns home years after bein’ abducted by aliens and wants to share his freakish new e.t. gifts with his boy who gets a little out of hand bendin’ reality. This slow-burnin’ family drama has some disturbin’ body horror and alien rape scenes sure to make anyone cringe with a dronin’ synth score that perfectly sets the doom and gloom mood. Not somethin’ you’d watch over and over, but worth addin’ to your WTF collection. Alien abductions, backward crawlin’ aliens with tongue attack action, motorists killed by curiosity, disturbin’ alien rape with tentacles out a bio-zipper, women instantly birthin’ full grown men, clown midget henchmen, man-size G.I. Joe doll with slaughter action, elevator ambushes, babysitters turned into juvie aliens’ baby maker, e.t. eggs, snake egg meals, snakes in salads, killer tops, naked French girls, men fallin’ apart durin’ sex, and some special effect hickies from aliens suckin’ on human flesh! 4/5! 


With no ties to the first movie, this sequel’s about a secret underground lab preparin’ commandoes to rescue scientists lost on an interdimensional mission, but one survivor makes it back with a blood thirsty bugger jumpin’ out of her. Trapped below ground and racin’ automated protocols for contamination, the commandos have to work with questionable scientists and wipe out the interdimensional intruder before it’s too late. Pretty damn disappointin’ after how original and freaky the first Xtro was. This flick is a heartless copycat of the Alien movies with special effects that ain’t worth mentionin’, borin’ characters, and snoozefest action. Only for the die hard fans. 2/5!

zxXX (2017)

A horror anthology about mothers and their spawn that’s directed by women! With eerie stop-motion bumpers of a dollhouse creepin’ around, there’s a mom watchin’ her family mysteriously starve themselves to death, a mom hidin’ her youngn’s dead dad in the middle of a birthday party, a mom whose young’n is the offspring of the devil himself, and a single chick turned Native American monster and tearin’ her RV posse to shreds. A fun watch overall, but I was a frustrated by some of the shorts’ unresolved indie endin’s and lack of explanation behind certain decisions that drove some characters’ stories. Horrible young’n costumes, cannibal dinner nightmares, dead panda parties, RV massacres, fugly toenails, and squirrels nailed to trees! 3/5! 

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