W – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

WACKO (1982)

As the annual Halloween Pumpkin Prom approaches, a teeny bopper’s nerves are shredded worryin’ a jack-o-lantern headed psycho on a lawnmower wants to cut her down like he did her sister at the same dance 13 years earlier. More slapstick comedy than slapstick horror, I can honestly say this is a tolerance testin’ joke to watch. The actin’s okay, and there’s a good gag every now and again like a driver’s ed car chase endin’ in cartoon flight through the clouds, and Andrew Dice Clay gettin’ so aroused, he flips a dinner table without his hands, but it’s not ‘nough for me to enjoy the movie as a whole. My biggest sours have to be when the humor gets uncomfortably awkward with older fellas minglin’ with minors and the incestual scenes between George Kennedy and his daughter. Mini mower callin’ cards, random elephants, escaped loony flashers, chrome dome scientists, costume dances, Mrs. Bates’s corpse used as a Yankee Doodle Dandy singin’ ventriloquist dummy, whip cream bikinis with cherries on top, moms thrown off bridges, jocks who make retarded mower grunts when sexually aroused, gals thrown in dishwashers, Travolta wannabes drowned, pies to the face, big ass Twinkie dinners, drunk drivin’, and heads crushed in vices! 2/5! 

WARLOCK (1989)

A time travelin’ witch escapes his medieval execution and crash lands in 1988 where he plans on undoin’ all creation while outrunnin’ a whip happy witchhunter and an annoyin’ ginger. This is a great film full of charismatic characters, suspense, cross country chases, and a charmin’ buttload of practical effects that rival those found in Superman IV. Julian Sands is one of the most unsung horror villains of all time as the Warlock and deserves waaay more recognition for his stint in these movies. Rapid agin’, severed fingers, tongues bitten out and filleted, time-nados, unidentified flyin’ towheads, dead coyotes, thumb and toe shackles, holy burns, human matchsticks, goo spurtin’ eyes, fire vomitin’, hammered heels, demonic séance possessions, gouged eyeball compasses, magical stowaways, salty whip defenses, Grimoire magic, unbaptized boys butchered, lethal diabetics, staked bats, and skull stompin’! 5/5! 


A poor gal magically births Julian Sands back into the role of the Warlock, and this time he’s servin’ as Satan’s anti-Christ who’s gotta collect a bunch of ritzy stones that’ll release the big devil man himself from Hell unless a teenage pair of Druid warriors can stop him with their Jedi-like powers. The Warlock is just as magnetically evil as ever but lacks a little of that devilish charm we love to hate and barely has any screen time with his enemies which makes this flick feel divided between his gory roadtrip kills and the teens’ comin’ of age drama with blue screens. I’m greatly entertained with this sequel’s bitchin’ tunes, melodramatic camerawork, charmin’ practical effects, and lively characters, but I think it’s so lame how half the movie focuses on this one teen developin’ his magical mojo for defeatin’ the Warlock just for him to get his ass handed to him in a doggy bag. Invisible staircases, truck stop whore scalpin’, human matchsticks, fleshy back maps, impalin’s, elevator massacres, fatal freefalls, human sculptin’, evil mirror worlds, midget bullyin’, brain diggin’, shotguns to the chest, spurtin’ human pin cushions, self drivin’ racecars, resurrections, stabbin’s, magic sawdust, baseball powers, gory meltdowns, and a cool optical effect for a boss demon! 4/5!


The last girl from Hellraiser hangs with her friends in a centuries old house she just inherited, but the Warlock crashes the party ’cause he needs her to fulfill a prophecy as Satan’s devil baby factory. This series was on a roll but really hit the brakes with this final snooze fest entry. Sadly, this doesn’t have Julian Sands returnin’ to play the Warlock, but the filmmakers still manage to find an impressive replacement, even if he’s not as electric. The biggest sour of this flick is really the gang of vanilla characters who exhibit the worst in ’90s fashion, makin’ us impatient for the gory kills the last 30 minutes that’s the movie’s only savin’ grace. Cleanin’ montages, slow mutilations, human matchsticks, ceramic Goth girls gettin’ shattered, men hung by their pecks, topless chicks in boxes, BDSM, scared horny, throat rippin’, chocolate baths, magical daggers, magical force fields, Satanic goat men, and pyro pages! 3/5! 

THE WATCH (2008)

A traumatized student takes a gig in a remote watch tower to lookout fer forest fires while finishin’ her psychology dissertation but finds herself caught up in some paranormal mystery with a ghost in the woods she can’t decide is real or in her head. SPOILERS AHOY! This ain’t a paranormal thriller full of jump scares and life threatenin’ mysteries. No, this TV flick turns is nothin’ more than a harmless feature length psych-out as it’s revealed this gal was tricked into a psych experiment by her classmates with zero supernatural twists. One of the deceivin’ culprits gets a boner fer her that motivates him to unload the whole truth behind the experiment, they destroy all their findin’s so no one has to go to jail or be expelled, and credits roll after seein’ a passage of time with the poor duped girl now datin’ the smitten boner who lied to her face the whole experiment. This would work better as a shorter Twilight Zone kinda episode. Kidnappin’ backstory, and clueless waiver signin’! 2/5! 

zwatchTHE WATCHER (2016)

A young married couple move into a new house and become involved in a Scooby-Doo mystery as jealous house buyers try scarin’ them away with spooky raven costumes. Effective storytellin’ supported by excellent cinematography, this supposed supernatural suspense film turns out to just be suspense but still packs some unexpected twists that kind of make sense. Throat slittin’ suicides, tainted treats, surprise deliveries galore, dead bird messengers, tree houses of secrets, home invaders, role playin’ ‘tards, needles to the throat, and raven inspired boogey men. 3/5! 


Revenge is a dish best served cold when a roadkill clown wants payback on a gang of childhood friends for accidentally killin’ him with his own ice cream truck years earlier. But ‘stead of out right stickin’ it to ’em like a slasher, he hypnotizes their young’s with his truck’s jingle tunes and makes ’em eat voodoo doll ice cream bars that melts their parents into puddles of gore. A wildly imaginative (and convoluted) premise, Buster’s a perfect addition to anyone’s collection of killer clown flicks. Top notch production, good actin’, and some wonderfully sloppy effects by the gang at KNB EFX that reminds me of The Incredible Melting Man, this is easily one of the more memorable mini-movies from the Masters of Horror series. Tubs of human ooze, streets of brainwashed young’ns, cheap magic tricks, fatal pranks, front yard showdowns, reverse non-sense magic, frozen clowns, and funerals! 4/5! 


It’s 1988, and a metal head after party in the boonies turns deadly when some faux rocker chicks’ attempt at stagin’ a devil worshippin’ massacre in the name of Jesus goes to shit. Remindin’ me a little of Heathers, this flick’s well produced and fun with a great cast of femme fatales, but has its sours with pacin’ and momentum thanks to a couple of long winded scenes my attention expires durin’ and lack of escalation halfway through. Fireball hairdos, roofies, neck stabbin’, crooked televangelists, shot to the head and gut, pesticide attacks, lotta ladies poppin’ a squat, chest stabbin’, attacks with a boat motor, near fatal freefalls, drive-by milkshakes, firecracker paybacks, and offscreen roadkills! 4/5!

WEDLOCK (1991)

Followin’ a backstabbin’ diamond heist, Rutger Hauer is forced to escape a private correctional facility fittin’ prisoners with randomly linked explosive collars and save his hidden loot from crooked wardens and ex-partners. Sci-fi without goin’ overboard, this is one sweet prison flick that’s right up there with Fortress in my opinion. Lotta action, tense chase sequences, plenty of characters to love and hate, and a couple of memorable head explosions to boot! Feels like the movie reaches an endin’ point more than once with all the run around but a minor sour ‘mong so much sweet fun! Explodin’ mannequins, sensory deprevation holes, golden showers, poo water, prison yard brawls to the death, sexual treats fer good behavior, human shields, hotel massacres, explodin’ helicopters, boat stealin’, elevator chases, cliff jumpin’, white water raftin’ with no raft, cop disguises, car chases, explodin’ keychains, and weddin’ crashin! 4/5! 


While a crew of college girls live it up in Vegas with their own Halloween bash, a mysterious party crasher ambushes ’em with a cursed Ouija board that pits their souls ‘gainst trouble makin’ creatures in a hardcore game of tag. A howlin’ fun flick from Full Moon, this feature length bonanza is burstin’ with an infectious energy that makes me wish I was at this Halloween hootenanny. With an all ’round winnin’ cast of characters, rockin’ tunes, solid script, and memorable booger beast puppets, this is an instant Full Moon classic! Vegas chases, costume parties, bike ridin’ weed wolves, voodoo witches, supernatural gamemasters, baby fetishes, super science ganja, mini Full Moon alum cameos, pool drownin’s, explodin’ heads, stranglin’, flesh eatin’, interdimensional portals, monstrous transformations, tokin’ monsters, one beast rock concerts, and surprisingly no boobs! 5/5!

WER (2013)

A legal defense team is assembled to get a backwoods fella off the hook for a campsite massacre that looks more like an animal attack, but when he non-surprisingly wolfs out, they stick by his side for some crazy reason despite him tearin’ through entire police forces. A solid werewolf flick with kick-ass action sequences and effectively minimal make-up effects, the only real sour for me in all this is how flat and one note the characters are, regardless of any semi-meaningful backstories the filmmakers give ’em. Ultimately, it comes off more like a superhero origin than a horror movie and fails as a whodunnit mystery when the howlin’ reveal of the killer is far from shockin’. Monstrous transformations, black out seizures, airborne cops, fellas folded back in half, wolf on wolf violence, nicked eyeballs, infectious scratches from the dead, half eaten corpses, young’n deaths, superhuman leapin’, barnyard brawls, graphic jaw rippin’, super healin’, firin’ squad executions, secret rooms, cave chases, car wrecks, ambulance escapes, granny head bashin’, glass squares slid ‘cross peepers, and some bullshit ’bout wolf folk havin’ their land stolen from ’em! 3/5! 


Visitin’ her boyfriend’s redneck family in the boonies on Christmas Eve, a big city gal’s bitten by a cartoon deer she offers a a bite of her candy bar to, and presto chango — turns into a killer deer woman needin’ to slap fight every backwoods hick to death. This is borderline so-bad-it’s-good entertainment with barely ‘nough DIY filmmakin’ charm to compensate fer its iffy audio, poor actin’, and uninspired camerawork. Kudos, however, to a coherent script with actual character, a few chuckle worthy moments with the Big Foot obsessed cousin, and a damn impressive make-up job fer the girlfriend turned two-legged reindeer. It’s just too bad more isn’t done with her beyond her slap happy ambushes when things finally ramp up the last half hour of the flick. Eggnog beer, disembowelin’ galore, monstrous off camera transformations, cursed deer played by stock nature footage collections and CGI stunt doubles, Play-Doh head smashin’, ass crack, and weaponized Santa statues! 2/5!


A modern teenage girl is dumped on her uncle in the European boonies and is greeted with a hair-raisin’ hello thanks to a gypsy’s werewolf curse that’s got the town up in arms against him. Part of Full Moon’s Filmonsters series that reimagines classic monsters for young’ns, this is a decent flick that watches like an hour long Goosebumps special with a hair more depth to its characters. Nothin’ novel with the werewolf make-up, but there’s some really good marriages between CGI and practical effects for transformation scenes. Coolest part is the Filmonsters openin’ title sequence with Toulon’s puppets resurrectin’ classic monsters from a graveyard with recycled footage from Puppet Master 2! Silver bullets, silver stabbin’s, werewolves in prison, monstrous jailbreaks, Swiss cheese healin’, helpful Gypsies, and defensive euthanasia! 3/5! 


A roamin’ gang of desert bikers called the Devil’s Advocates pull over to party next to a Satanic temple and are lulled by devil worshippers into a dark tolerance testin’ ritual that turns its head honcho couple into a couple of werewolves the rest have to defend themselves ‘gainst. Awesome title, sucky movie. This top shelf lookin’ lycan flick promises some kick-ass scenes with an interestin’ ‘nough parade of detestable personalities, but it ultimately pisses its runtime down the drain with meanderin’ road antics and a marathon of a hoodoo ceremony. If ya can make it to the end of this supernatural spin of Easy Rider, you will be rewarded with A werewolf on a motorcycle, but just for a minute. Full frontal snake dancin’, gas station flashin’, dry humpin’ threeway, road ragin’ beat ’em ups, monstrous quicker than the eye transformations, extreme stranger danger, blood guzzlin’ with bread, lotta devil chantin’, junkyard bonfires, biker brawls, and offscreen disembowelin’! 2/5!


A hungry werewolf is takin’ advantage of a fly spec town full of loons fightin’ over whether or not their mountain community should be subjected to frackin’, and it’s up to an uber nice forest ranger to save the day. Based on a who-izzit VR game, this flick is beautifully shot and full of snappy dialogue ‘mong a lively cast of characters who’re nothin’ less than entertainin’. Especially Milana Vayntrub’s magnetic performance as the mail girl, provin’ she’s waaay more than just a talkin’ ad for AT&T I normally fastforward through. Only sour I can find reason to nit pick would be the story’s turbulent escalation of danger that just flies off the rails the last few minutes ‘fore the satisfyin’ reveal there’s an actual werewolf in this sucker. Lotta lotta banter, mangled hands, weirdo doctors, explosions, axe throwin’, frame jobs, explodin’ heads, neck tappin’, offscreen doggy deaths, corpsicles, human road kill, crossbow action, bolts to the chest, firearms galore, and neck stabbin’s! 4/5! 


A flat of humorous vamps from ‘cross the ages gives a camera crew permission to film them for a tell-all documentary (for whatever reason) and provides viewers a look into the everynight routines of the undead as they prepare for an annual monster bash. While this vampire comedy doesn’t bring anythin’ new to the table and even name drops movies its borrowin’ from at times, it’s unique in how it brings it all together in a new combination seen through the candid perspective of The Office. I don’t think it’s laugh out loud funny, but with such a likeable ensemble of characters, solid humor, top notch production, and grounded situations folks can easily relate to, it ain’t hard to see why folks were quick to stake this as a classic. Chore wheels, Nosferatu lookin’ basement vamps, bloodsuckin’ matchsticks, ceilin’ fightin’, bat transformations, zombies, swearwolf packs, werewolf transformations, maulin’s, bloodsprays, neck suckin’, elderly romances, worm eatin’ tricks from Lost Boys, upside down sleepin’, dungeons, hypnotic trances, crushed vampire hunters, and werewolves vs vampires! 4/5! 


When this obscure Troma flick first starts, you’re thinkin’ it’s goin’ to be a series of comedic shorts with fake trailers and what not. Then one sketch called “The Outdoorsters” runs a little long, seems to have a connection with the followin’ sketch, and it suddenly dawns on you you’re watchin’ the actual movie that you mistakenly thought was called When Nature Calls. A slapstick comedy with intermittent movie theater gag ads, this humdrum story’s about a fed up construction worker and his pollution sensitive wife takin’ their family for a healthy trip of tame hijinks to the so-so outdoors. While the movie’s a snooze, still check it out for its fake trailers and adult ads for theater junk food. Men fighting mountain lion cosplayers, baby criminals, stop motion hot dog people bangin’ and pissin’ on bags of droopy popcorn, elephants, and live action bears in love with teenage girls but nothin’ as ludicrous as the cover portrays! 2/5!


After every lame-o guest bows out early from Adam and Margo’s housewarmin’ party in a fancy hood, the disappointed hosts discover there’s still a couple of mysterious party crashers to entertain whose sordid intentions ‘come clearer as they wear their welcome out through the night. A solid movie overall with terrific performances that keep me engaged, this is a well paced flick with killers as likable as their victims which isn’t somethin’ I ain’t used to seein’. The subplot with the friend of the family wantin’ to put some roadkill outta its misery is a little confusin’, and there’s very little tension due to a lack of escalatin’ threats throughout most the movie, but the sweets still outweigh the sours fer a fun watch. Punch therapy, booger sugar, marital spats, upsettin’ vinyl tunes, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, and bottle smashin’ over heads! 3/5!


When two teens’ mama ends up in a coma, their whisked away to their estranged whack jobs fer grandparents’ house where they find a mysterious hole in the wall revealin’ past family shame tied to a blood vomitin’ ghost. A stylish supernatural drama from Thailand, this flick keeps my interest with its engagin’ character interactions and twisty reveals behind the forebodin’ hole in the wall, but it does get a little too convoluted fer its own good. While I can forgive the family’s overcomplicated backstory fer their tragic past, the movie’s distractin’ subplots is where I start demandin’ cuts to the runtime due to a poor set-up fer the drama behind the mom’s car accident to the daughter’s confusin’ slut shamin’ side story over a peepin’ Tom’s video of her in the locker room shower. Maybe it’s a cultural thang. Disappearin’ ghost holes, poisoned kitties, fatal milk guzzlin’, near fatal hit-and-runs, human matchsticks, daddy justice, lotta blood vomitin’, obnoxious pervs, fuedin’ cheerleaders, handicap hatin’, bloody noses, shapeshiftin’ ghosts, and bum raps fer murder! 3/5!  


A convoy of miserable Brits have a intimate Christmas reunion in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and are eventually attacked by a shapeshiftin’ spider ghost. This Shudder original is one of them kind of flicks that has a lot of the right elements for a decent horror, but it fumbles its establishment of the lead character and loses a lot of momentum and holiday appeal as soon as Christmas day arrives midway through. Cool monster, though. Song and dance boo-gers, kidnappin’ spirits, button vomitin’, evil mirror twins, sacrificial rituals, lingerie runways with proud muffin tops, stiffs in the snow, hypnosis, and folks killed with a sofa bed! 2/5!


A bunch of small town troublemakers bust out a mythical witch’s windows for kicks and end up on her menu for human hash she needs to stay hot ‘n strong. This is a pretty impressive horror/drama combo I’d strongly recommend you Scream Freaks check out. There’s sharp cinematography, commendable actin’, top notch special effects, a rockin’ soundtrack, and a real nasty killer that ain’t so easy to defeat. The only sours that stick in my craw is how long it takes for folks to bite the big one, and how ineffective the most grisly deaths in the movie are. Supernatural kidnappin’, jarred body parts, explodin’ windows, skinny dippin’ without nudity, bangin’ in tents without boobs, funeral receptions, fanged red heads, teleportation, teens grounded to hamburger meat, illusion spells, dead stop spells, fleshy mess eatin’, throat rippin’, stabbin’, dungeon basements, witch bottle defenses, witch burnin’, and amateur magic tricks! 4/5!


A couple of snarky siblin’s invite friends to their family farm to celebrate a Halloween hootenanny at a nearby bar, and after a couple of minutes of that sad turnout, they return home and are attacked by a Duck Dynasty lookalike in a scarecrow costume who wants to hack ’em up like he did his own family decades before. This subtle homage to the original Halloween has plenty of sours from shitty actin’ and ridiculous representations of mental facilities to barely havin’ any consistent Halloween spirit, but it tries its best to be a genuine movie with real characters which gives it ‘nough charm to keep me watchin’ to the end. Wall rollin’ ladies, masturbatin’ inmates, baby doll coddlin’ nutjobs, cuckoo nest escapes, evil possessin’ voices, horror host bar jams with stage dancin’, barn sex with the talent bear huggin’ her hoo-has from ever bein’ seen, ZZ top parkin’, neck snappin’, head bashin;, stabbin’, shootin’, family drama by the campfire, and Halloween nods galore! 3/5! 


This flick is Bette Davis’ swan song as a gold diggin’ witch who gets her skeletal hooks into a geezer livin’ with his yuppie family, only to abandon the film as soon as it starts and force the writers to replace Bette with her wicked daughter, a soul swappin’ cat woman exploitin’ the family for her own riches. This is a pretty decent comedy that makes me laugh out loud from time to time but as clever as swappin’ Bette Davis out with a younger witch is, however, it’s done in a pretty abrupt and confusin’ way. Doesn’t keep you from enjoyin’ the flick, mind ya, but it could have been a smoother transition. Hairy spells, witches in trainin’, shrinkin’ spells, fixer upper magic, hexed vegetation, soul swappin’, granny line-ups, Richard Moll as a humorous P.I., magic shops, magical duels, courtroom chaos, witches between the sheets, the dad from Happy Days proves he’s got the chops for movies, and a dog is presumed dead most the movie but happily wags back into the final reel! 3/5! 

ywildWILD BEASTS (1984)

PETA’s worst nightmare, the city water supply is tainted with PCP and drug crazed animals escape their technologically faulty zoo to tear through the streets for human meals unless a veterinarian can stop them all with his tranq gun. A late entry in the nature’s revenge genre, this film is wonderfully edited together with a sweet soundtrack and has plenty of scenes that’ll make you question whether or not there’s any animal cruelty involved. Brat youngn’s, cuddly zoo babies, flamethrowers vs rats, cats vs rats, giant cats vs pigs, giant cats vs horses, giant cats vs cows, cow crossings, airport chaos, polar bear mayhem, maulings, killer PCP doped young’ns, we learn elephants send everyone into a panic, and women’s driving causes more accidents than a cheetah in traffic! 3/5!


Things heat up as a pyrokinetic clown barges back into his equally gifted brother’s humdrum life and reignites a literal firefight ‘tween ’em with plans to go public with their powers fer fame and fortune while attemptin’ to steal his wife. A quirky little sci-fi comedy, this flick starts off like a character driven stage play, but if ya hang with this slow burn long ‘nough, it erupts into one helluva special effects spectacle I still can’t believe exists in an artsy oddball feature like this. The only thang better than Dennis Quaid’s unforgettable performance as Biff the Clown is his carny sidekick played by a filthified Jim Varney, takin’ one of his rare breaks from playin’ Ernest P. Worrell. Only sour worth mentionin’ is the occasional singin’ firemen. They’re good but sang one too many diddies fer my tolerance. Headache fire conjurin’, cigarette lightin’ tricks, house arrests, nymphomania without boobs, fly zappin’, AC meltin’, roamin’ fairs, fireballs, flammin’ crotch rockets, explodin’ amusement rides, mini-golf chaos, gimmicky costumes, tragic backstories, human matchsticks, crispy corpses, stressful mowin’, rooftop affairs, and one of the looongest kisses evert committed to celluloid! 4/5! 


A sheltered girl with a hairy secret is raised by Brad Dourif in a locked room all her life ’til he randomly attempts suicide and leaves her ragin’ hormones in the care of the town that wiped out her monstrous family decades earlier. This beautifully shot film never uses the word werewolf, but that’s the subgenre I’m slappin’ on this comin’ of age horror. As pretty as it is to watch, however, the story leaves you howlin’ mad with poorly written characters like Brad’s wishy washy motivations for the girl’s fate, and Liv Tyler’s cluelessness as the gum chompin’ sheriff whose only purpose seems to be makin’ my britches tighter. Loose teeth, dead mice, Rambo booby traps, prego wildlin’s, lightshows in the sky, attempted rape, throats bitten out, outdoor monster bangin’, wet shirt nips, electrified door handles, needles to the belly, hairy transformations, wild hermits, monster hunts, bullets to the head, and Brad Dourif swallows a bullet! 3/5!   


A grape soda guzzlin’ bad ass with a two-fisted vocabulary is swindled into spit shinin’ an abandoned pizza joint overnight for a new set of tires and effortlessly brawls with its mechanical mascots that turn out to be possessed by serial killin’ spirits. Another horror flick inspired by the Five Nights At Freddy’s video game series, this guilty pleasure doesn’t always make the most sense and relies way too much on its gimmick versus an actual story, but it’s just fun to watch Nicolas Cage beat the ever livin’ shit outta cartoon characters ‘tween games of pinball that warrants their own nomination for best love scene in a horror movie. The one story detail that sticks in my crawl is how the town can’t get rid of these stuffed nightmares with a whole arsenal at their disposal, yet Nic does it with nothin’ more than his meat mitts. It’s kinda the whole point of the humor, I know, but a little more thought could’ve been put into this stuff. Bathroom brawlin’, first aid duct tape, blow outs, explodin’ cars, weak maulin’s, lackadaisical bump ‘n grind with peepin’ toms, head rippin’, ball pit falls, double stick attacks, attempted arson, magical cleanin’ spray, slashin’, impalement, and ritualistic killin’s! 4/5! 


A poison addicted doctor is hired to assess how many screws the heiress to the Winchester firearm fortune has loose while stayin’ in her mad maze of a mansion she’s constantly buildin’ for ghosts of folks killed by her guns and must unexpectedly rescue her from the digs’s newest homicidal booga boo blamin’ her for his whole family’s demise. Based on the real life Winchester Mansion and its eccentric owner, this flick’s got some high production value and decent actin’ but suffers from one borin’ script. It ain’t scary, the stakes feel non-existent, the supernatural rules don’t always make sense ( like the ghosts easily breakin’ free of the 13 nails or coat hooks meant to keep ’em trapped), and no one has ‘nough personality for me to relate to much less root for. Valiant effort but pretty blah. Ginger possessions, near fatal freefalls, round the clock carpentry, head knockin’, bogus scares, secret passage ways, retail shop massacres, parlor magic, mediums, ghost killin’ bullets, lucky 13 defenses, dead wife drama, and sixth sense sight! 3/5!


A college girl’s secret stalker tries to impress her with a ride home for Christmas, but he decides to take a winter wonderland route down a stretch of haunted highway where they wreck and are haunted by a crooked cop and his victims while freezin’ to death. This is one of them slow and moody kinda flicks with the majority of the time stuck with two folks in a car, but it keeps enough little mysterious goin’ to keep you hooked and thinkin’ about how things are connected. Not a lot of Christmas spirit other than snow and a couple of jolly jingles on the radio. Bloated snake spewin’ drifters, holy popsickles, cold powered spooks, stranglin’ flashbacks, airborne car wrecks, frozen drivers, and multiple mulligans! 3/5!


Tourists are stranded in the boonies of Holland while sighseein’ windmills and are hunted by an immortal slasher who preys on their darkest secrets. Excellent filmmakin’ with outstandin’ camera work, nice mix-up of differin’ characters with their own unique stories, and lots of cool over the top kills. My only gripe with this flick is its killer. He’s likeable with reality bendin’ powers like Freddy and merciless kills like Jason, but I don’t feel like the filmmakers establish him well enough as an iconic killer with his own personality that separates him from the rest. Crazy chicks, sabotage buses, stabbin’s, drownin’s, disembowelments, fires, dead hookers, decapitations, gates of hell, feet cut off, head stompin’, and scythe action! 4/5!

zwintWINTERBEAST (1992)

A hodge podge of stop-motion mayhem and a patchy plot, this disasterpiece is almost as bad as Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars, but it’s hard to top that turd. Winterbeast is about a little mountain town experiencin’ a sudden boom in monster attacks threatenin’ to disrupt their Fall Festival. Some shitty rangers figure out it has somethin’ to do with a weirdo lodge owner and his connection to unfriendly totem poles comin’ to life, and they race to their local library to research ways for defeatin’ rubber Play-Doh creatures. The make-up effects are pretty damn good with sinfully entertainin’ beasts of cheesy charm, but this flick completely bombs when it comes to its non-sense script that’s made even worse with bad actin’. Mountain mummies, flare gun defenses, Jaws mayor types, skin mags, shouting matches, spontaneous combustions, chest bursters, heads bitten off, corpse decors, dead men dance parties, creepy masks, lodge brawls, stop-motion nightmares, 4-armed alien things, giant mutant chickens, people eatin’ their own faces, smokin’ beasts, stop-motion stunt dummies, topless beatin’s, dino-motion, wooly boogers, and sins against the revered 180 rule! 2/5!

WISH UPON (2017)

Dumpster divin’ treasures turn ugly as an unpopular high schooler comes in possession of a demonically linked music box that trades seven wishes for the souls of her loved ones and anyone else she meets in Final Destination fashion. Only thing this flick does is make me wish I was watchin’ Wishmaster! While there’s good actin’ and cinematography, the story isn’t very fresh or original, and the lead actress didn’t convey all that strong of a screen presence. Dead dog rat feasts, fatal stair falls, elevator deaths, garbage disposal deaths, rottin’ flesh, obsessed stalkers, bitch fights, hit and run mulligans, hangin’s, and art through the eye-hole! 3/5! 

dvdwitchTHE WITCH (2016)

A family of pilgrims are ostracized from their village and start playing “Tag, you’re a witch!” after strange things start happening on their new farm. A slow-burn, this is more about atmosphere and the deconstruction of a family’s bond with themselves and God. A witch is actually the villain, but the family would rather point fingers at each other instead of hunt the real hag in the woods. This film offers solid performances (especially from the father who sounds like he swallowed a synthesizer), dead animals galore, children’s buttocks, and a couple of highly effective creepy moments toward the end. The real superstar of the whole thing was Black Phillip, the family goat.  3/5!

zwithcWITCHBOARD (1986)

The chick from the White Snake video is a victim of supernatural catfishin’ after playing with a Ouija board, and it’s up to a med school drop-out and a borderline paranormal kiddie fiddler to save her from axe murderin’ possession. A well written script full of dynamic characters and relationships with decent enough actors pulling it off, my only gripe would be for more blood and clearer understanding of where characters exactly are in their lives. Boobs in the shower, construction site deaths, possessions, evil voices, psychic puns, fatal freefalls, best reactions to bogus scares ever committed to celluloid, axes to the face, Ouija party tricks, and one of the most rockin’ songs we’ve ever heard, “Bump in the Night!” 4/5! 


When a meek chick decides to strike it out on her own as an artist, she’s a little distracted by a Ouija board she finds in her new loft and gets mixed up with a sexy ghost’s vendetta against her murderers. This is a damn good movie with a script that wowed me with its superb dialogue but disappointed me with their reveal of the killer who I figured out from the get go. Despite that, however, this flick packs a punch with unforgettable deaths, engagin’ characters, and cinematography remindin’ me of a Sam Raimi movie. Wreckin’ ball deaths, airborne tools, boiler room explosions, perverted landlords, inappropriate scrunchies in the workplace, hippy chicks stuck in ’69, dead raccoons, a punchin’ bag that looks like a policeman, high speed wrecks, supernatural assassinations, stabbin’s, ghosts’ pov, women punched in the face, boobs in photos, possessions, spiritual writin’s, magic shops, suspicious photographers, no hurt dogs, we learn ghosts are bad spellers and if you step too close to a window you’ll blow through it like a cannonball! 4/5! 


When a down on his luck stockbroker inherits a Ouija board from his suicidal landlord, he asks unholy forces for stock tips but gets himself stuck in a mirror dimension instead, while a demonic force possesses his body and makes moves on his wife for a devil baby. Not as fun and hip as Witchboard 1 & 2 with rockin’ characters or stylish cinematography, but it’s okay and has its eerie moments. The story’s shifty from time to time regardin’ what kind of horror this is gonna be, but still an overall decent flick that’s similar to a stiff episode of Tales From the Crypt. Fatal freefalls with rods through the noggin’, rub-a-dub death, free floatin’ butterfly exhibits, demonic POVs, fingers through skulls, demonic Ouija boards, fertility fetishes, awkwardly attempted threesomes, stabbin’s, pins to the head, boobs in the bath, demons, and mirror traps! 3/5

WITCHERY aka Ghosthouse 2 aka Evil Dead 4 in Italy (1988)

Some folks end up trapped in an abandoned hotel for sale on an island durin’ a “ragin’ storm,” and there’s a witch inside dishin’ out different punishments for their trespassin’. Far from a great supernatural flick, but entertainin’ enough for a laugh, David Hasselhoff acts circles around his co-stars in this spooky hum drum drama that’s a little slow but offers some effective black magic kills. Lips sewn shut, mothers roastin’ over an open fire, men cooked on upside down crosses, impalements, paranormal Sesame Street tools, explodin’ veins, half severed hands, supernatural rape with boobs, door slammin’ parties, tub POVS, silly interdimensional travel, pointless handicap co-stars, hung sailors, the calmest storm EVER committed to celluloid, shiny magic, stabbin’s, devil baby pregnancies, fatal freefalls, Linda Blaire plays a possessed prego, and the Hoff takes a gory load in the face as a hero who saves no one and stops nothin’! 3/5!


A carload of friends go offroad to bypass a road block and end up stranded in the freezin’ wilderness where one of ’em may or may not be possessed by witchy forces makin’ her wanna kill everybody ’round her. This well-shot flick wrangled some decent talent with ‘nough boilin’ conflict ‘mong characters to blow-up their fragile survivor’s pact, but I just need a little more supernatural/horror elements thrown in the pot and someone to really care ’bout who’s not an annoyin’ idealist or passive pansy. Dead bears, mutilated deer, disembowelin’, bear traps, corpse sickles galore, bitch slappin’, impalin’, finger bitin’, seizures, neck stabbin’, and ski poles to the chest! 2/5!


A Goth chick reunites her high school classmates at a Halloween party that’s secretly a sacrificial ritual for bringin’ her wicked witch ancestor, Lilith, back from the grave. The camerawork is respectable, the castle/mansion set is impressive, the actin’ is entertainin’ enough, there’s a rockin’ soundtrack, and the story keeps you awake, but I feel like this needed to push the witch or the effects a lot further to make it a bit more original. Comes off like a watered down version of Night of the Demons without any boobs. Levitations, decapitations, time travel séances, dungeon cock blocks, punched out witches, head rippin’, possessions, bookworm romances, family tree drama, seasick camerawork, Necronomicons, electrifyin’ defenses, stoners, guitar bashin’, slicin’, glowin’ eyes, resurrected witches, and CGI lightnin’! 3/5!


Some backwood bulldozin’ reveals a bunch of unmarked graves and piss off the locals when it halts the construction of their new mall ’til university researchers can complete a study of the bodies. Easier said than done, however, when the bodies turn out to be the centuries old witch Lilith and her coven of roasted followers who begin possessin’ their egghead grave diggers. I actually think this is better than the first Witchouse because the actors have a bit more chemistry, we’re not limited to one set the whole time, the possessions are more imaginative, and there’s a nice surprise or two to keep you on your feet. Definitely borrowin’ (or even parodyin’) elements from The Blair Witch Project with documentary video segments, this is a rockin’ fun flick that really sets out to be entertainin’ as a stand alone piece of horrific cinema. Only gripe would be the way half the cast is kinda dropped in as oppose to bein’ introduced. Unearthed graves, found footage scenes, monstrous cock blocks, lingerie hikes, lightnin’ shootin’ eyes, possessions through bone dust in wounds, epic fail with surgical tools, Scooby-Doo disguises, stabbin’s, possessions by DNA injections, and witch hunters! 4/5!


When a tight group of girl friends dick around with witchcraft, they find themselves haunted by the ghost of a centuries old witch named Lilith who might be servin’ someone’s twisted desires. Despite bein’ a cheap scare production, this is obviously made by filmmakers tryin’ to make the best entertainin’ flick they could and succeed for the most part. The story’s solid, the characters are worth carin’ about, the witch looks her best in the trilogy with Brinke Stevens under the make-up, and there’s some nice twists and turns you don’t expect. Biggest disappointment is the build up to a festival we never get to see. Boobs in the shower, ambushes on the beach, chasin’ witches, bitches with grudges, drunken threesomes, séances, wife beatin’, dead girls, and filmmakin’ witches! 3/5!


A gang of supernatural eliminators are hired to kick a warlock’s homicidal ghost outta bed and breakfast that used to be his ol’ digs, but he ain’t leavin’ without a fight. Director Kevin Tenney basically mashes bits of story and cast together from his two best hits, Witchboard and Night of the Demons, but this ain’t nearly as fun or memorable save Scream Queen Linnea Quigley’s fatal shower scene. The effects are modest, the dialogue tries to hard, and the actin’ is unbelievably stiff with everyone deliverin’ lines like they’re repeatin’ ’em after a Speak & Spell. It’s a borderline snooze fest but still entertainin’ ‘nough to check out. Exhaustin’ blow by blow conversations, ghost driven cars, hit and runs, shower heads through the neck, boobs in the shower and bath, impalement, spirit photography, possessions, mediums, explodin’ heads, seances, peepin’ toms, groundskeeper goons, fatal freefalls out windows, midday wardrobe changes, floatin’ bullets to the head, gooey meltdown effects, bullets vs ghosts, ghost traps, flamin’ apparitions, and flyin’ axes to the face! 2/5!

WITHIN (2016)

A family moves into a new home, never realizin’ there’s an impossibly quiet ninja assassin livin’ in their crawlspace who’s drinkin’ their milk and fondlin’ them in their sleep. I’m not the biggest fan of these weirdo in wall movies, because they’re all the same to me. Sure, this flick’s well shot, delivers some good tension with wince worthy moments, and has a strong actress carryin’ the story, but you just see everythin’ comin’ a mile away nearly blow for blow, red herrin’s and all. And when the filmmakers try to switch things up like the wrong body bein’ mistaken for the weirdo killer’s, it just comes off like a big fuckin’ plot hole that makes no sense! If you’ve seen The Pact 1-2, Intruders, Black Xmas (2006), Crawlspace, or The Boy, then you’ve seen this already and can skip it. Stabbin’s, extension cord nooses, chases in the wall, roofies, uncomfortable snugglin’, stranglin’, milk backwash, creepy squatter neighbors remindin’ you of Buffalo Bill, closet traps, and hammers to the head! 3/5!


Not to be confused for Predator, this sci-fi flick’s about a bobble head alien huntin’ horny teens and hicks in the boonies with flyin’ tentacle pancakes covered in hair and teeth. A couple of teen lovers manage to escape e.t.’s fleshy saucers of death but are stuck in the crosshairs of trigger happy hicks goin’ to war with the alien. Decent enough idea for a movie, but I think it focuses on the wrong characters and doesn’t have enough variations in the deaths. The alien’s design is cool but stereotypical and barely seen ’til the very end after his critters do all the work for him. Overall, this is a pretty lame movie and really undershoots where it could have gone as a film. Alien crazed vets, extraterrestrial cock blocks, bodies on hooks, goo spurtin’ flesh cakes, pickled e.t. critters, boom shacks, splish splash free falls, stolen cop cars, parasites to the legs, chests, and faces, dumbass home invasions, gunshots to the chest, boy scouts on the run, creepy gas stations, and a dead bobcat! 2/5!


The ridiculed son of a crime family is caught in the middle of mob drama ‘tween two mafias placed in the same town by witness protection but gets to fohgettabout it when a local food truck unknowingly slings out spoiled sausages that turn loyal customers into flesh eatin’ zombies. Arguably the best horror comedy to ever mix semi-retired gangsters with the walkin’ dead, this nicely shot flick boasts an abundance of interestin’ characters portrayed by a wonderfully engagin’ cast I’m legitimately drawn to and features some impressively wince-worthy gore that even makes me squirm on my bar stool. The only sour that taints the fun is how quickly the mobster angle is abandoned once the zombies show up, reducin’ the movie to yer run of the mill survival chase with nothin’ from the first act matterin’ anymore. Head rippin, shotguns to the chest, head bashin’, bar brawls with the dead, employee of the month rescues, bad meat, upset belly sounds galore, deer eatin’ and beheadin’, Pulp Fiction nods, pukin’, gun fightin’, and cursin’ screen appearances by such popular voice actors as Maurice LaMarche and Tara Strong! 3/5!


It’s Fright Night with witches when a nosy teen turns amateur sleuth to investigate his weirdo neighbors who’ve been seduced by a young’n eatin’ she-beast from the woods. A great lookin’ flick with a solid cast of likable ‘nough characters fightin’ top-shelf special effects, this doesn’t fail to impress and ain’t really got anythin’ worth bitchin’ ’bout save its silly twist endin’. Gutted roadkill bucks with spillin’ guts, skin tight disguises, woodsy shrines, kidnappin’ galore, young’n eatin’, underground tunnel chases, mind controllin’, sacrificial suicides, bullets to the face, attempted drownin’, dogs shot off camera and later revealed to be fine, chum trashin’, Jedi mind tricks, bleedin’ ears, bully pranks, witch humpin’ with no boobs, and creatures clawin’ outta other creatures! 4/5!


A different spin on the found footage genre, someone digs up a VHS copy of a fictional news broadcast from Halloween ’87 when a local field reporter entered a supposed haunted house and encountered unexplained forces. For the full tapped TV experience, viewers are also subjected to tons of fake commercials and a full news broadcast serving as the pre-show. This is a cool idea, but was executed all wrong. The focus of the movie itself is so interrupted and cut up by commercials and separate news broadcasts, you forget what you’re even watching. We need to fast-forward through more of the commercials, only show the news segments that set-up plot points, and have a better and clearer escalation of danger. News anchors playing dress-up, producers with chainsaws, Halloween-hatin’ church folk, psychic cats, senior psychics, holy imposters, and enough commercials to remind you why you hate watching live TV. 2/5!

WYVERN (2009)

An ice trucker comes to a one street Alaskan town’s rescue when a mythical creature breaks free of the meltin’ ice caps nearby and starts eatin’ the locals. For a TV movie, this ain’t a bad watch with top notch creature effects, a likable cast of characters worth rootin’ for, and uniquely designed set pieces. The gore’s a little light but damn effective none the less. Monster eggs, severed arms, splattered cops, festival chaos, traffic jam massacres, imaginary friend meetin’s, explodin’ rigs over cliffs, nasty hack job beards, close-ups of gutted fish, helicopter crashes, and lots of dead animal carcasses! 3/5! 

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