Screaming Soup!

V – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

THE VAGRANT (1992)

After Bill Paxton buys his first fixer upper, he’s instantly at war with a disgustin’ vagrant he fears ain’t only invadin’ his new home, but settin’ him up for murders ’round the neighborhood. A wacky flick featurin’ a comical performance from Bill as the spineless analyst turned hard hittin’ survivor, this is a pretty fun watch that luckily doesn’t pull any stunts with bullshit like if the vagrant is real or not. We know he’s real early on, but there’s still plenty of guessin’ for how much Bill’s blowin’ things outta proportion and what the vagrant’s story is. I’m not the biggest fan with how the last 30 minutes feel like a completely different movie, but I guess there’s only so many ways to beat the same horse to death with the psych-out gags in the first hour. Musical hobo luggage, crapper paperbacks, impalin’ with chairs, haunted ride showdowns, gunfire executions, trailer park romances, butchered dogs, severed fingers, fridges full of body parts, horny realtors, fatal trials, decapitations, public urination charges, critter barbecues, trap doors, dead rats, domestic fortresses, swat team firin’ squads, unhinged door pranks, sleep walkin’ stranglin’, and gas station explosions! 4/5! 

VALENTINE (2001) 

A decade after bein’ humilatin’ at the Valentine’s Day dance in junior high, Jeremy Melton takes his homicidal grudge out on the mean girls he holds responsible as a romantically themed Cupid slasher. I dismissed this flick for so many years as fluff horror Hollywood mindlessly pumped out at the time, but it’s actually good. Strong edits, sharp cinematography, creative kills, and a cast of eye candy that can act. And while I know it serves the hyper realistic funny bone of the film, I do think we could have squeezed in at least one decent guy who’s not a two-timin’ jerkoid horn dog or slasher. Fatal drillin’ in the hot tub, electrocutions, maggot delights, arrows to the chest, hot waxed wangs, fatal freefalls, sixth grade streakers, bloody noses, mean drunks, speed datin’, throat slittin’, axes in the back, and impalin’! 4/5!

VALERIE ON THE STAIRS (2006)

A wannabe author moves into a rundown residence for unpublished writers and becomes romantically involved with an imaginary ghost beggin’ to be freed from her bitter creators and the abusive demon they enslaved her to. From the insightful mind of Clive Barker, this kinky little meta tale starts a bit slow but ends in full sprint with some gore-tastic demises by KNB EFX, reality warpin’ rescue missions, and fun banter among oddball characters who could have only been created by a seasoned writer. A nice entry in the Masters of Horror series, the only sour that sticks out to me is my confusion over Christopher Lloyd’s lame death by the chick who somehow ties into the lead’s head scratchin’ past. Bangin’ in the sheets with boobs, naked gals in the stairwells, creative juices, literary manifestations, surreal transformations, lesbo kisses, crawlspace dungeons, firey deaths, spines ripped out through mouths, explodin’ chests, neck bitin’, and hung hookers! 3/5!

VAMPIRE JOURNALS (1997)

In this spin-off to Full Moon’s Subspecies series, a vengeful vamp named Zachary seeks the eradication of the cursed bloodline that destroyed his life, leadin’ him to a whorehouse with a bloodthirsty pimp named Ash, a fledglin’ of Radu. Assassinatin’ the head vamp doesn’t go as easily as Zachary hopes, however, when he and Ash fall for the same piano jammin’ chick they take turns usin’ as leverage against one another. A melodramatic slow burn of ’90s romanticized bloodsuckin’, this flick has a solid script full of well thought out character development and drama that’s lackin’ in most the Subspecies movies. But without any noteworthy special effects or novel ideas introduced like in Subspecies, this fang flick is just your mom’s grocery store romance novel with the kind of handsome bloodsuckers high school girls fantasize about. It’s also funny to see actors who played vamps in Subspecies 4 play different vamps in this film which I think is safe to say takes place after the events of Subspecies 4. Topless bloodsuckin’, men sucking on other men’s chest, three-way fang bang, fortune tellers, decapitations, feedin’ frenzy foursome, head twistin’, vamp stakin’, toasty heads, disintegrations, backstabbin’ galore, bad business practices, swordplay, talkin’ heads, travelin’ by shadows, jealous fang fatales, and bloody kisses between babes! 3/5! 

VAMPIRE RESSURECTION (2001)

After a man from the late 1800s witnesses his beloved killed by her jealous husband, he uses vampire blood to become immortal and banks on a voodoo woman’s word they will reunite when she’s reincarnated in one hundred years. As promised, he crawls out of his time capsule crypt to find her among the livin’ once more, but she’s on the run from her psycho murderin’ husband her aunt asks to protect them from the bloodsuckin’ Romeo. A well written script that’s more Lifetime movie of the week than horror, this flick manages to give us interestin’ characters, good actin’, and convincin’ enough emotion with well timed comic relief. Only thing draggin’ this thing down is the placid cinematography, doofus cops, and the filmmakers stickin’ with a vampire stereotype we’ve all seen countless times before. Crossbows to the gut and arm, vampers under campers, dead cats in the shower, fatal freefalls, beautiful women pukin’ into a toilet, nip slips, boobs, impalements, vampire research at your local library, fang bang, back alley bloodsuckin’, stiffs walkin’ out of morgues, men’s asses, wolfbane mixers, gunshots to the head, car wrecks, throat slittin’, attempted bondage rape with a wooden stake, aunties to the rescue, Denice Duff shows side boob, and a guest appearance by the boom mike! 3/5!

VAMPIRES: OUT FOR BLOOD (2004)

Detective Kevin Dillon is seduced and bitten by bloodsuckers durin’ a fang bang orgy and begs his estranged vamp novelist wife to help him kill their master before he fully transforms into a creature of the night. This is a decent flick that’s wonderfully shot with rich colors and kinetic camerawork, but the dialogue is horribly hackneyed, and Kevin’s serious performance is hysterical with all his goofy reactions. Pretty decent gore and vampire effects, but nothin’ I haven’t seen already. Vampire orgies with boobs, stakin’s, mind control, jump scare cats, supernatural speed, peepin’ tom vamps, disembowelment, loony bins, explosions, fatal freefalls, toasty undead meltdowns, and Lance Henriksen supports the shit out of this thing with his bit part! 3/5! 

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET (2010)

The population of Detroit is reduced to nothin’ more than dirty laundry by a mysterious all consumin’ darkness, and a handful of shaken survivors find each other at a bar runnin’ on a dyin’ generator to plot their desperate escape from the city while comparin’ the freakish event to the lost colony of Roanoke. Nicely executed, but far from satisfyin’, this supernatural flick delivers on the actin’ and creepy effects with bankable talents fightin’ to stay out of whisperin’ shadow people’s reach, but spins its wheels waaay too long in the bar settin’ with no explanation for anythin’ happenin’ when all is said and done. One big sour fer me are the inconsistent rules fer what keeps the livin’ night at bay with some characters only needin’ the equivalent of a faint light at the end of a cigarette while others have to rely on somethin’ as powerful as a truck’s headlights. Watch with low expectations. Car wrecks, psych out mind games, vanishin’ acts, head injuries, and free roamin’ horses! 2/5!

VARSITY BLOOD (2014)

A year after a cheerleader dies in a tragic pyramid routine, her squad thinks her boyfriend has turned psycho slasher and is crashin’ their secret Halloween party to kill them all while dressed as the school mascot. This ain’t a great movie, but it’s a really good one. The actin’s tolerable, the pace of kills is a little off, and the backstory gets convoluted at times, but the filmmakers give us a memorable masked slasher, boobs, gory effects, humorous characters, and plenty of things to laugh at without bein’ a comedy. Slam dunk decapitations, arrows through eyes, tomahawks through heads, fatal swirlies, farm tool impalements, hack and slashin’, tough motherly love, coke addictions, farm house parties, parked cops touchin’ themselves to internet boobs, beheadin’s, pick-up bangin’, silly killers in a good way, and the best endin’ with confused cops EVER captured on celluloid! 3/5!

THE VAULT (2017)

When a gang of cosplay robbers take a bank hostage, they’re directed to an old vault in the basement where they run into angry ghosts of hostages killed in another bank robbery decades earlier. This is supernatural suspense at its best with a captivatin’ cast, thoughtful tension, and blips of intense gore here and there. I wasn’t too crazy about the way the endin’ was edited or how the homicidal spirit of the hostages’ killer was hauntin’ the bank despite him never dyin’ there, but an excellent film none the less. Drills to the head, ghost vaults, shotgun suicide, firebombs, psycho killer ghosts, and ecto-Franco! 4/5! 

VENGEANCE OF THE DEAD (2001)

When a grandson pays his grand pappy a visit on the ol’ farm, he’s seduced by a little ghost girl and becomes her sleepwalkin’ assassin of pyromanic justice against her geezer murderers. While the actin’ and hee-hawin’ music ain’t the best, I really appreciate the filmmakers givin’ us a sophisticated plot that’s well shot and edited. There is a final scene that takes place on Halloween night, but it lasts 2 seconds and ain’t worth addin’ this Full Moon flick to your holiday theme lists. Boobs in the shower, borderline pedophile behavior with ghosts, extra crispy geezers, short-bus firetraps, inferno cellars, peepin’ tom geezers, possessions, ghost girls swingin’ from the ceilin’, faces blown off with shotguns, baghead home invasions, ecto romances, old man scarecrows burned at the stake, and burning bed suicides! 3/5!

VENOM (1981)

A botched kidnappin’ goes from bad to worse as a boy and his grandpa are held hostage in their mansion by Oliver Reed and Klaus Kinski who find themselves stuck ‘tween a rock and hard place with police outside and a loose black mamba inside. More police procedural than horror, the focus o’ the movie is more on the hostage drama than the snake which sporadically pops in fer shock value whenever the movie starts to get a little dull. The funniest part is whenever Oliver and Klaus act like they have to hunt this poisonous reptile down to protect ’emselves, but the safest thing fer ’em to do is to just stop messin’ with it. Not a terrible flick, but definitely has a more interstin’ backstory to its troubled production that involved director Tobe Hooper bein’ ran off by disgruntled cast members. Lingerie bedroom scenes, repetitive face bitin’, fatal freefallin’ while fightin’ rubber snakes, snake baby teases, and shotguns to the chest! 3/5! 

V/H/S/94 (2021)

A ridiculous S.W.A.T. team who loves shoutin’ “Warrant!” busts in on some kinda couch potato cult and is slowly driven mad as they peek at a buncha idiot boxes playin’ extreme videos that include rat man cults, zombie wakes, killer cyborgs, and redneck militias armed with vampires. An okay V/H/S sequel at best, most these stories suffer from poor set-ups or shoddy endin’s that keep ’em from bein’ winners, but “The Subject” is a cybernetic nightmare worth checkin’ out, and “The Terror” unexpectedly explores a side of vampires I’d never seen before with weaponized blood bombs that’s pretty damn cool. The worst of the bunch that sent me into a snooze was “The Empty Wake” thanks to its lack of plot and exposition, and the wraparound story with the S.W.A.T. team was just ’bout as hard to follow. Kidnappin’, eye gougin’, head smashin’, folks ripped in half, explodin’ vampire blood, shotguns to the face galore, jailbreaks, bloodsuckin’, face meltin’ upchuck, under dweller cults, S.W.A.T. team massacres, brain squishin’, electrocutions, intestine spillin’, explodin’ rabbits, and monstrous suicides! 2/5! 

V/H/S/99 (2022)

A real hodge podge of an anthology with no real framin’ narrative, a young’n’s comical stop-motion adventure with plastic army men is constantly interrupted with wildly bizarre scenes captured on video that include hot monstrous neighbors, fatal sorority initiations, concerts from beyond the grave, payback gameshows, and demon summonin’ rituals gone to hell. Maybe the best V/H/S since part 2 despite its lack of cohesion ‘mong all the random jumpin’ from one videotaped horror to the next, this sucker packs alotta enjoyable characters and special effects creatures in some gore-tastic situations with “Shredding,” “The Gawkers,” and “To Hell and Back” as my favorites thanks to ’em bein’ comprehensive three act shorts with more than satisfyin’ endin’s. “Ozzy’s Dungeon” and “Suicide Bid,” however, have too many distractin’ plot holes fer me to fully enjoy. The kiddie contestant’s over the top gameshow injury that kicks off her revenge plot in “Ozzy’s Dungeon” doesn’t make the most sense for how it exactly happens (or why it looks riddled with gangrene years later), I don’t know why her family tortures the gameshow host versus the fat ass who actually destroyed her leg under his girth, and the parents’ Raiders of the Lost Ark fate at the end is nothin’ less than confusin’. “Suicide Bid” is a little better, but why can’t the sorority pledge escape the coffin she’s dared to sleep in overnight? No one nails the lid shut, and there ain’t ‘nough dirt or mud to weigh it down, so why can’t she get outta there ‘fore the ghoul of sorority past shows up? And if her tormentors are so worried ’bout leavin’ her in an open grave after the sight of a patrol car sends ’em runnin’, why wouldn’t they just come back in an hour or two when the fuzz is long gone ‘stead of hours later at dawn? Flesh eatin’ rocker chicks, possessed concerts, blow-up doll massacres, showers of gore, stabbin’ helmets, impaled sides, gorgons, perverts turned to stone, decapitations, hellscape portals, barbecued corpses, unknown liquids, vomitin’, monstrous wishin’ caves, monstrous transformations, face meltin’, peepin’ tom boobs, broken wrists, ghoul friends, kidnappin’, live burials, mismatch possessions, meat mitt bear traps, and cult brawlin’! 3/5!

V/H/S/85 (2023)

V/H/S strikes back for the sixth time with a found footage anthology shatterin’ viewers’ nerves with 1985 themed horrors from little e.t. lost copycats and Mexican apocalypses to psychic goths, VR death sentences, and justice for the undead. An overall entertainin’ collection of shorts without a real wraparound story to tie it all together like previous entries, this flick is more hit than miss. “No Wake/Ambrosia” is the most compellin’ of the bunch that keeps me hooked fer what happens next. “God of Death” is arguably the weakest with it bein’ nothin’ but claustrophobic camerawork and noise. “Dreamkill” surprises with its steady development into a richer story with layers. “TKNOGD” is my favorite even though it could stand to be more excitin’, and “Total Copy” has some nice build to its suspense as the bookendin’ story peppered throughout the flick, but its endin’ is a bit of a letdown save the last chuckle worthy shot. Sharpshootin’ killers, hangin’ intestines, magic lakes, mangled jaws, point blank executions, bullets to the brain basket, killer family reunions, shoot ’em up police raids, botched suicides, psychic goths, pre-recorded dreams of the future, heart rippin’, boobs, finger severin’, stabbin’s, slashin’, crushin’ fatalities, earthquakes, fartin’, resurrected gods, self sacrificin’, leg tearin’ and poppin’, black box theatre performances gone deadly wrong, eye poppin’, mimickin’ e.t.s, and tentacle attackin’! 4/5!

V/H/S BEYOND (2024)

An anthology of six found footage terrors loosely themed ’round e.t. encounters of the unfriendly kind, this installment in the V/H/S series offers a pretty solid mix of numbskull zombies, song and dance droids on the fritz, body horror dog moms, sky divin’ scares, gene splicin’, and the usual nonconsensual probin’. A strong collection of cinematic talents here, the sweets heavily outweigh the sours. The framin’ story’s pretty weak and confusingly weaves in and out of the shorts, there’s periodic discrepancies ‘mong camera technologies, and I don’t understand why there’s two segments in here that don’t even fit the alien theme. I mean, “Fur Babies” is as good as Tusk, but “Dream Girl” is at least within the realm of sci-fi with it featurin’ a babe bot goin’ berserk. While all the shorts are stand outs, I think “Stowaway” is the most creative, “Stork” is the most fun, “Fur Babies” is the most disturbin’, and “Live and Let Die” is the most inventive. Rest are just meh. Face rippin’ and wearin’, brain drinkin’, e.t. baby nurseries, shoot ’em ups galore, skydivin’ chases, UFO tractor beams, hyperspace jumpin’, DNA slammin’, healin’ nanobots, spaceships, plane crashin’, kidnappin’, maulin’, brainwashin’, surgical enhancements, shock collars, chloroformin’, taxidermied pets, impalin’, mind wipin’ stares, finger severin’, stabbin’s galore, music video mayhem, chainsaws, and head crushin’! 4/5! 

V/H/S/HALLOWEEN (2025)

The V/H/S series celebrates Halloween and delivers an anthology of 5 spooky season shorts burstin’ with high flyin’ possessions, baby lovin’ spooks, kiddie killers, monstrous haunted houses, and human candy factories broken up by 1980s lab footage of a soda company’s bafflin’ attempt to add evil spirits to their new diet drink. An overall sweet watch with top shelf production through and through, the only sour I find ‘mong these shorts is their writin’. “Coochie Coochie Coo”, “Fun Size”, and “Home Haunt” set up engagin’ characters and situations out the gate, but they all eventually turn into a non-stop series of “Gotcha!” moments that’s just monsters chasin’ trick ‘r treaters ’round. “Ut Supra Sic Infra” grips me long ‘nough to underwhelm me with its predictable twists as police regret investigatin’ a Halloween massacre, and as much fun as I have watchin’ “Diet Phantasma”, I’m annoyed the soda execs never explain why they want folks drinkin’ poltergeists. But none of these are stinkers, mind ya, and V/H/S/Halloween will be a regular holiday horror I revisit every year with “Kidprint” as my favorite segment fer it managin’ to tell a satisfyingly complete story with twists, mystery and character that keeps me on my toes as a small town hunts fer a mutilatin’ sicko kidnappin’ the local young’ns ’round Mischief Night. Candied organs, interdimensional candy bowls, candy enemas, explodin’ faces, human grindin’ machines, hand severin’, portal openin’ Halloween records, bodily dismemberin’, trick ‘r treatin’ galore, six boobed freaks, big fat baby men, deformed teeny beoppers, forced milk guzzlin’, interdimensional homes, sleep inducin’ lullabies, suicides, zombie attacks, sheet ghost attacks, decapitatin’, electric chair executions, eye gougin’, fatal freefalls, possessin’, calls from beyond the grave, cop killin’, skin carvin’, head bashin’, human matchsticks, explodin’ young’ns, head crushin’ with tentacles, soda can tabs to the face, ghost trappin’, lab explodin’, and vomitin’ galore! 4/5!

VICIOUS (2025)

An aimless gal plays perfect host to a stranger stuck in the cold and ends up bein’ tagged as the next victim of a reality bendin’ box that wants somethin’ ya hate, need, and love ‘fore it stops threatenin’ to hurt ya and the ones closest to you. An okay flick with sweet camerawork and effects, this sucker suffers from some pretty weak storytellin’. The last girl never puts up much of a fight to keep things interestin’ and is too quick to give the box whatever it wants which is an even bigger sour of the movie. I’m all fer less is more to make things scarier, but this box has zero context fer me to wrap my head ’round as far as its purpose and motivations are concerned. I never find out if it’s a ghost, demon, or other kinda booga-boo, much less why it wants all these sacrifices from folks like toes and jewelry. I guess it’s just an evil entity that enjoys screwin’ with people with its made-up rules it keeps breakin’, and that just makes fer a frustratin’ watch. Finger and toe cuttin’, butcher knife face plants, twisted young’n doppelgangers, self-mutilatin’ mirror doppelgangers, ghost mom doppelgangers, parent slaughterin’, paranormal prank callin’, and knives to the chest! 2/5!

VICIOUS FUN (2020)

A horror movie journalist accidentally sits in on a support group for serial killers, and once the gang of blood thirsty psychos figure out he’s a tourist, it’s a fight for survival with the help of a vengeance seekin’ vigilante. A total blend of multiple horror references from true crime to slasher franchises and even the Hack/Slash comics, this 1980s period flick complete with wardrobes outta Back to the Future is alotta fun to watch thanks to its mix of lively characters constantly movin’ from one spiralin’ predicament to the next. It manages to be funny without losin’ tension, hits hard with the action, and has some of the most beautiful cinematography and lightin’ with scenes bathed in vibrant neon ‘gainst broken shadows. Severed fingers, stabbin’s galore, hit and runs, neck wounds, severed hands, nails through the brain basket, impalement, projectile vomit, stranglin’ with intestines, killers on ice, eye gougin’, head crushin’, needle stickin’, body hackin’, limb dissolvin’, daggers through the arm, disguises galore, and jailbreaks! 5/5!

VICIOUS LIPS (1986)

A bitch’n all girl rock band races across the cosmos against aliens and shitty dream-like pop videos to play a gig for super stardom at the galaxy’s hottest club. In a nutshell, this is Jem and the Holograms on sleeping pills in a spaceship. This has all the ingredients for an amazing cult film full of special effects and killer music, but undershoots everything with unimaginative e.t.s, lackluster music, and a pretty uneventful script that falls apart toward the end. 3 knocker e.t.s, naked fembots, see through tops, totally outrageous wigs, Jetsons nods, angry bar crowds, spaceship jackin’s, cannibals, peeping toms’ eyes bein’ gouged, sci-fi instruments, career suicides, Lost in Space nods, shape shifting e.t.s, and laser showers! 2/5!

VICTIM OF THE HAUNT aka THE HAUNTING OF PATRICIA JOHNSON aka THE UNINVITED (1996)

A family unknowingly moves into a haunted house, and the mom’s gotta save her kids from the ghost of a child killer ‘fore her dismissive trucker of a husband locks her up in the loony bin fer her own good. A Poltergeist copycat through and through from the help of a psychic lady to a secret cemetery in the backyard, this supposed “true story” isn’t as big budget as Tobe Hooper’s flick, but delivers a solid TV movie with convincin’ performances ‘gainst respectable ‘nough special effects that culminate in an all-too familiar light show finale with big bad spooks. The film has one definin’ difference from its obvious source material, however, and that’s the parent’s feud over the husband’s refusal to investigate his wife’s supernatural claims, which wraps up with a happy endin’ I find hard to swallow. If my lover betrayed me with a call to the fellas in white, you bet yer ass we ain’t stayin’ together much longer! Rainbow orb light shows, ghost young’ns, near splish-splash deaths, floatin’ young’ns, supernatural whirlpools, drownin’s, floatin’ CGI faces, supernatural sassin’, toy possessin’, suburban light shows, psychic rescues, rubber room escapin’, door rattlin’, and trick eggs! 3/5!

VICTOR CROWLEY (2017)

The Bayou Butcher is back, and he’s declared war on a wrecked plane full of new and old victims he wants to tear limb from blood sprayin’ limb for comin’ to his swamp. The fourth entry in Adam Green’s Hatchet series, this is an entertainin’ horror comedy that genre smashes slasher with disaster, most the movie takin’ place at the plane crash with survivors tryin’ to outsmart Crowley while dealin’ with the dangers from the wreck in the swamp. While Crowley just goes through the motions deliverin’ over the top bloodbaths that range from gore-tastic to cartoony, the cast of victims are given plenty of personality for us to give a shit when they get killed. I think the biggest sin is not developin’ more of Crowley’s mythos which would make this sequel more distinct from just “the one with the plane crash,” and what the hell did the openin’ act have to do with the rest of the story?! Hammered faces, decapitations, hacked off limbs, head smashin’, ass to mouth impalements, prego drownin’s, plane crashes, high octane blender deaths, flares to the face, arm rippin’, head tearin’, neck snappin’, snakes on a plane, and scalpin’! 4/5!

THE VIGIL (2019)

A new Jew in town’s pickin’ up a few extra bucks on the graveyard shift watchin’ over ‘nother Jew’s corpse ’til the funeral home picks it up and is spooked by a demonic force tryin’ to snatch the poor sap’s soul before dawn. If yer into atmospheric horror that ain’t all ’bout blood, gore, and body counts, then this family safe flick’s fer you. The filmmakers do a great job developin’ the main character and buildin’ suspense with some creepy visuals, but the stakes are almost non-existent. I don’t have any reason to root for the salvation of a character I barely know, and I never believe his designated hero’s ever in mortal danger. Hit and run flashbacks with young’ns, street bullies, widowed hags, lit up demons, and memory lane with Nazis! 3/5! 

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1960)

After a remote village experiences a mysterious faintin’ spell, a shockin’ number of women find themselves expectin’ mamas and simultaneously give birth to an other worldly race of mentally superior young’ns the British government spends years debatin’ whether or not to kill ‘fore they divide and conquer the world with their mind control. While they ain’t the scariest example of tike-sized evil ever committed to celluloid when compared to that reality alterin’ hell-raiser from the Twilight Zone or the homicidal rugrats from Bloody Birthday, these fair haired brats with the piercin’ stare still come off a formidable threat with their hive mind antics invadin’ folks’ thoughts while forcin’ ’em to commit fatal acts. As iconic as this flick is, however, I still have gripes with understandin’ whether or not one has to actually look these holier-than-thou kiddies from the stars in the eyes to fall under their control, and the piss poor jumps in the story’s timeline. It’s mentioned the young’ns are growin’ a little fast, but without any obvious transitions, just how fast? Is this story happenin’ over a couple of years or 10-11? I mean, if a decade’s passed, the filmmakers did a terrible job showin’ the passage of time in the town much less the townsfolk themselves. Faintin’ dogs, canaries, and cows, plane crashin’, tractor crashin’, bus wreckin’, coerced vehicular suicide, arms in pots of boilin’ water, bully on bully action, brick wall defenses, kickballs to the head, coerced shotgun suicides, human matchsticks, angry mobs, lotta war room yappin’, and explosions! 4/5!

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995)

After a remote town experiences a mysterious faintin’ spell, a shockin’ number of women find themselves expectin’ mamas and simultaneously give birth to an other worldly race of mentally superior young’ns the government spends years debatin’ whether or not to kill ‘fore they divide and conquer the world with their mind control. John Carpenter’s near verbatim remake of the original Village of the Damned, this flick’s simply an updated version with all the same sweets and sours the 1960 version had. Like its predecessor, this movie pulls me in with an interstin’ ‘nough premise of evil offspring but bugs me with the same murky rules fer whether or not victims can simply avoid the young’ns’ hypnotic stares to prevent bein’ manipulated, and the piss poor time jumps confusin’ me if this is all happenin’ over a decade or less. With only a few minor changes to distinguish this version from the original, the biggest is the decision to give the women a more prominent role in the town’s survival ‘gainst these faired haired dictators in trainin’. As for this bein’ a John Carpenter movie, the master of horror plays it incredibly safe with his score bein’ the only recognizable trademark of his ‘long with a handful of his go-to actors in bit parts. Faintin’ dogs and cows, fatal fender benders, barbequed corpses, arms in pots of boilin’ water, coerced cliff jumpin’ suicides, coerced shotguns suicides, coerced kamikaze soldiers, explosions, dead e.t. babies, coerced self-autopsies, coerced eye stingin’, eye doctor mishaps, mass baptizin’, baby stealin’, mass birthin’, human matchsticks, angry mobs, and lessons in emotions! 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (1964)

British doctors want to study a meltin’ pot of prepubescent geniuses from ’round the world with the same mysterious origins but instantly regret that decision when the mind controllin’ brats fortify themselves in an abandoned chapel with a weaponized church organ their government leaders gotta have. A loose sequel to Village of the Damned (1960) without the trademark hair, this less than thrillin’ follow-up is a drag of a watch with alotta stiff actin’, limited scenery, and long winded dialogue scenes heavily relyin’ on Ron Goodwin’s score to keep things somewhat entertainin’. Other big sours are the filmmakers not acknowledgin’ the events of the first flick and holdin’ off the young’ns’ trademark stares ’til the last half of the movie. At least they expanded the tiny terrors’ powers a bit and more-or-less made it clear their victims don’t always have to lock peepers with ’em to be mind controlled. Speed buildin’ block challenges, coerced suicides, embassy massacres, explosions and gunfire galore, resurrectin’, dog shootin’, mind controlled gunmen, young’n exterminatin’, mind splittin’ church organs, auntie henchwenches, mutant lab mice, neck stabbin’, stranglin’, bullets to the face, horny scientists, and hateful mamas! 3/5!

THE VINEYARD (1989)

When a famous wine growin’ doctor’s dungeon of battered women ain’t nough to keep his magical complexion safe from the ravages of ol’ age, he invites a youthful gang of dingbat actors to his remote island for fresher dark art ingredients he collects in non-sensible fashion while fallin’ in love with one of the starlets he wants to marry in unholy matrimony. This nutty flick is an enjoyable watch for an ’80s horror movie with babes and a few monstrous scenes, but the story structure’s a little all over the place, it can’t quite seem to anchor the POV to any particular character among the victims, and if all the killer has to do is marry a gal to stay young and skip the mess of blood harvestin’, why didn’t he do that forever ago? This movie’s decent ‘nough for a watch, but can be sooo much better! Tapped throats, restless zombie grave sites, undead mobs, ancient crones, magical medallions, snoopin’ journalists, biddin’ wars over a single bottle of wine, acupuncture therapy, impalement, martial art thugs, bug vomittin’, paperdoll voodoo, burnin’ torture, crowded dungeons, boobs, floatin’ bodies, decapitations, beds with snakes, bizarre masquerade dance parties, ancient flashbacks, bone warpin’ transformations, idol worshippin’, stabbin’s, and stiff actin’! 3/5!

THE VINDICATOR (1986)

This has to be one of sci-fi’s most unsung cyborg flicks about a scientist who’s blown up in his lab and wakes up as a malfunctionin’ Frankenstein of ’80s technology that’s programmed to go ape shit whenever anyone touches him. Judge it as a Robocop knock-off or not, this flick firmly stands on its own as a dark twisted tale of scary science pleasantly mixed with ’80s WA-POW that made action movies from that time so much fun! Unlike Robocop, this story conveys more horror with its cybernetic victim not havin’ the benefit of a memory wipe, drivin’ a little more emotional impact with his reactions to his transformation that’s only enhanced by the detail of his horrified eyes trapped inside his mechanical coffin. Can’t recommend this under appreciated thrill enough! Cyber milk for blood, incinerator escapes, resin goop traps, acid squirt guns, cyborgs vs mecha-suits, sewer battles, explosions, spontaneous combustion vehicles, true compact cars, fatal freefalls, big ass walkie talkies, young’ns in scrapyards, dead lifts with cars, attempted rapes, excited monkeys fallin’ over dead, lab chaos, monkey shootin’ range, expendable employees turned into lab experiments, and Pam Grier as a bad ass mercenary! 5/5! 

VIRTUOSITY (1995)

Built to simulate history’s worst serial killers in one package, Sid 6.7 is VR’s most dangerous trainin’ program, and when he escapes virtual reality in an android body with the ability to repair any injury with glass, an ex-cop is yanked outta prison to hunt him down fer a full pardon. Do yerself a favor and watch this sci-fightin’ action flick today, Scream Freaks! Packed with escalatin’ action, CG effects that hold up, and one of Russell Crowe’s best performances of his career as the ego-maniacal Sid 6.7, this sucker is a non-stop thrill ride and a half with few if any sours to speak of. The only thing I wish the filmmakers developed more is the cop’s bionic arm which I think is pretty downplayed and used in some pretty ridiculous ways. I mean, I ain’t no computer scientist, but I don’t think random plastic tubes yanked outta prosthetic limbs can loop video feeds. Suspense of disbelief at its best! Simulated electrocution deaths, VR foot chases, prison brawlin’, explosions, target practice with hostages, neck lickin’, finger severin’, synthoid snakes cut in half, silicon regeneratin’, ‘lotta firefightin’, hostile night club takeovers, screamin’ symphonies, neck snappin’, explodin’ hands, windshield eatin’, cartoony freefallin’, glass shatterin’ plummets, impalin’ with glass, ‘lotta Russell Crowe’s butt, bullets to the brain basket, suit stealin’, kidnappin’, booby trap bombs, head smashin’, VR bimbos in bikinis, toxin tracker capsules, and TV takeovers! 5/5!  

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

After a swimmer’s bitten by some infectious shark covered in sores, a viral epidemic sends the world to hell in a handbasket, and it’s up to an underwater lab full of horn dogs and turncoats to find the cure ‘fore their shoddy base implodes to the delight of the sickly sharks hangin’ ’round. A flick that’s filmed more on imagination than a micro-budget, viewers will either be charmed watchin’ a buncha yahoos play act their way through a college campus servin’ as their underwater facility with store bought slime kits for lab equipment or downright stupefied as alotta bad actin’ and high school level effects numb their noodles. With my level of tolerance that took me years to develop, I can overlook a lot of these filmmakers’ shortcomin’s, but not when it comes to poor storytellin’ with its lack of shark action that’s completely abandoned by the end when the movie randomly decides to be an apocalyptic survival movie with backwood mutants! Face maulin’ boogers, zombie chicks, smirkin’ galore, infected rednecks, CGI sharks, toy sharks, stock footage sharks, super imposed explosions, pop-pop gun fights, nightmare inducin’ scrapes, and kidnappin’s! 1/1! 

THE VISITANT (2014)

There’s something inherently intriguing about a fortune teller who’s skeptical about the supernatural: Will the audience sympathize with a carnival charlatan when she accidentally makes contact with the spirit world? The makeshift mystic is really just an out-of-work actress who’s mourning her husband on the one-year anniversary of his death. It sounds promising, but the problem is the pace. Everything takes place in one evening, mostly with Michele Simms (“Samantha”) home alone. She retires for the night but gets back up for multiple video chats, most of them with her friend Maya, played by Tracy Wiu. Maya is our narrator, the paranormal encyclopedia who interprets the haunting for the main character. When she speaks of spirits and demons on a spectrum that has classes and orders like the organisms in biology class, I was hooked. However, that discussion is fleeting and doesn’t add to the scare factor. Acting on Maya’s advice, Samantha takes pictures in every room, a sequence that should have been more ominous with glimpses of the dark force. The film really loses momentum when yet another video chat results in another home tour—this time with sage. After all of that, Maya decides to come over and take her friend out on the town. By then, it seemed like 4 a.m., so the timeline was tough to track, and the adrenaline was fizzling. On a higher note, the story does circle around to the husband’s death, providing cohesion if not proper cadence. Overall, it’s worth a free watch, and I might even revisit in 2019 if IMDB is correct that Wiu will be back for ReVisitant. 3/5!

THE VOID (2017)

It’s Assault on Precinct 13 meets From Beyond as a small town cop fights to protect folk from bein’ turned into interdimensional boogers in a hospital surrounded by a hooded cult. This trippy flick starts off fast and strong, deliverin’ all you want and expect in a horror movie. You’ve got the hero with the tragic past, a nice variety of characters that make for a high body count, gory special effects, booger monsters, and a well established villain. My only gripe with this whole thing is how it loses momentum toward the end, you can barely see any of the monsters with all the fast editin’, and I know it’s called The Void, but it’s so dark I can’t see what’s happenin’ most the time! People skinnin’ themselves, monster pregnancies, nods to Hellraiser, cult sentinels, eye gougin’, crazed nurses, gunfire executions, monsters right out of The Thing, interdimensional travel, evil pregos, people torched, and deceptive illusions! 3/5!

VOODOO (1995)

Corey Feldman needs a place to crash while stalkin’ his college girlfriend and accepts an invitation to the campus’s weirdest frat house that wastes no time tryin’ to turn him into a hoodoo zombie as part of a voodoo priest’s ritual for immortality. A decently entertainin’ flick that plays like a long winded Tales From the Crypt episode with very little gore, the only real sour I can find in this are the details to the voodoo priest’s sacrificial magic not makin’ sense every now and again. Voodoo doll stabbin’, burnin’, flingin’, possessed frat house massacres with a pump-action shotgun, hoodoo voodoo trinkets, roofied basement rituals with dead girls, jumpscare nightmares, boobs on a slab and in bed, regretful tattoos, frat house goats, frat initiations, needles to the neck, guards slammed under car hoods, salt induced spasms, salt circles, and Eraserhead as the voodoo huntin’ Cassandra figure! 3/5!

VOODOO MOON (2006)

Some big bad demon’s ’bout to strike a generic blow for evil, but a pair of supernatural siblin’s have an ax to grind and call in every favor they have to stop him. A TV movie that plays like a series pitch no one picked up, this is a mildly fun watch for the most part, featurin’ a nice round-up of sitcom actors and horror icons keepin’ my interest from beginnin’ to end with some surprisingly impressive effects. A few forgivable sours include a large chunk of the movie bein’ dedicated to supportin’ characters gettin’ acquainted, and the filmmakers’ amazin’ ability to deliver an epic endin’ that felt anythin’ but. Impalement on crosses, eye eatin’ magic folk who shapeshift into a murder of crows, truck stop blowjobs, death by peckin’, fortune tellin’ doodles, fatal stair falls, demonic possessions, bullet flickin’, underwater zombies, voodoo zombies, folks skinned alive and hung by chains, full frontal chicks strapped to crosses, kidnappin’, decapitatin’, mid-air pyro battlin’, insta-dry magic, baby daddy drama, and Jeffrey Combs hilariously portrayin’ the gun totin’ dead! 3/5!

VOODOO WOMAN (1957)

Deep in the jungle, a tribe’s witch doctor helps a mad scientist combine the magic of voodoo with biochemicals to turn folks into fugly super bein’s, and just when they didn’t think they had the right test subject, a homicidal treasure hunter trades herself as a guinea pig fer gold while her captive tour guide fights fer an escape from the movie. A competent black and white flick with likeable heroes and damsels as well as entertainin’ villains, the only thang I’d bash this fer is its lack of monster footage and failure to ramp up the action the first (and what should’ve been the only) time the femme fatale’s turned into the cursed voodoo woman. I’d like to think the filmmakers were shyin’ ’round the monster fer a big reveal at the end, but I think they were just too embarrassed to show this recycled booger suit from The She-Creature (1956). Fatal gunshots to the back and gut, golden idols, monstrous dissolves, emotionally abused trophy wives, spears to the back, basement laboratories, attempted human sacrifices at the stake, insta-telepathy, voodoo dolls, conga drum concerts, lap singers, offscreen rape and murder, and one of the stupidest falls to someone’s death ever committed to celluloid! 3/5!