U – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

yuglkyTHE UGLY (1997)

A confessed serial killer named Simon, who may or may not have psychic powers, needs a popular psychiatrist’s 2nd opinion to help declare him cured so he can get out of a loony bin ran by cartoon characters. More sad than scary, this flashback movie of Simon’s abusive ugly duckling upbringing builds up to what horror fans hope to be a supernatural thriller, but his ghostly tormentors of victims past seem to be nothing but fibs for manipulating the rest of the cast. Straight razors to the throat, repetitive murder fantasies, wrestling rejects for orderlies, spittin’ good slop meals, ladies in red, hit and run dogs, and swank v.i.p. seats to psyche evaluations. 3/5! 


A pair of horny yahoos are duped into attendin’ an ugly sweater party at a jeerful Bible camp, and one of them is wearing an eyesore that’s haunted by the ghost of a serial killer who possesses him to slaughter the doomed Bible thumpers in the name of somethin’ called Sweaterface. A fresh take on Christmas horror that surprises ya with every twist and turn, this is kitchen sink filmmakin’ at its most metal with manic edits, kinetic camerawork, and a shameless ensemble of actors that includes horror hottie hall of famer, Felissa Rose. The only thing that can make this flick better than it already is is developin’ more of the relationships among the characters to give the story arc more trajectory. Bum beatin’s, head crushin’, police brutality, cursed Christmas attire, dick rippin’, blood squirtin’ facials, disgruntled employees, random rock videos, ray guns, head explosions, pub shavin’ in bowls of cereal, minimum Christmas decor, homo showers, ghosts, psychic visions, baptisms, dick props, evil time jumpin’, monstrous sweater transformations, zero boobs, skinny dippin, and Felissa Rose guest stars as a cheatin’ milf! 2/5!


A plain jane’s successfully impregnated by a new fertility clinic she’s referred to, but when her body starts rejectin’ the bun in her oven like an infection fightin’ to get out, she discovers her doctor’s been cuttin’ the sperm with some kinda super gene to create a race of strong-armin’ brainiacs. A solid prego horror that makes my jaw drop a few times after the little special effect’s born, this flick strives to be taken seriously, but its quirky ensemble of awkward actors combined with a handful of melodramatic moments make it more laughable than hauntin’. Young’n funerals, rub-a-dub deaths, ripped naval bleedin’, back alley abortions, dumpster babies, semi-possessed mind-controlled mamas, stabbin’s, baby maker windows, snow globe baby labs, rockin’ chair sex, vomittin’, hysterical TV broadcasts, knittin’ needles to the eye, dead babies galore, car wrecks, killer newborn mutie puppets suckin’ on tits, housewreckin’ pregos, soothin’ secret sounds, and neck snapped cats! 3/5!


A houseful of bores rather spend Halloween playin’ board games than party but unfortunately pick a game that’s haunted by a gigglin’ ghost who wants their souls for packagin’ art ‘less they beat a mix of slumber party challenges and escape her alternate box dimension. A successful horror spin on Jumanji‘s concept of a cursed board game, this Into the Dark flick from Hulu is a cut ‘bove the rest with a memorable villain terrorizin’ a cast of likable ‘nough yahoos I half-heartedly root for, but its monsters aren’t very scary, and there’s a major disconnect between the openin’ kill and the gang’s long dead buddy who I thought were one and the same ’til we got pretty far into this thing. Throat slittin’, stabbin’s, endless darkness, shallow drownin’s, spin the bottle, interdimensional traps, reality alterin’ ghosts, futuristic sight, Bloody Mary kinda dares, truth or dare, hide and seek, pranksters, keep-away, reaper-lookin’ henchmen, rigged outcomes, and supernatural drillin’! 4/5! 


In this Roger Corman classic, scientists pay to hypnotize a hooker into medieval times where she relives a past life as a damsel outrunnin’ her own execution with shapeshiftin’ witches, heroic knights, and the devil. Jugglin’ the concepts of time travel and reincarnation, this black and white picture offers a unique combination of science fiction and the occult in a settin’ right out of Ghosts ‘n Goblins. A little too Shakespearian with the dialogue for my taste, but an overall nice throwback with amusin’ twists. Time travelin’ trances, ugly witches, hot witches, critter shapeshiftin’, imp sidekicks, head choppin’, cats, bats, pacts with the devil, gravediggin’ sing-songs, and botched rescues from the future! 3/5!


Two brothers are fed up livin’ in terror of a booga boo in one of their bedrooms and decide to face their fear in an all out showdown they aren’t really prepared for. This flick has so many great things goin’ for it from its hero siblin’s chemistry to the epic feelin’ score and cinematography but unfortunately suffers from a script that’s not fully realized ‘long with leap frog editin’. Nearly every scene watches like it’s been reduced to only its high light actions at the expense of story developin’ details that robs alotta characters of sensible context like the dad’s rash behavior, and even worse, the monster under the bed has no rules ‘cept whatever the script calls for at the moment. Like it can’t reach a slumberin’ brat on the bed ‘bove its head for two years but can suddenly tear through a neighbor’s house like a damn tornado on a killin’ spree? It’s been confined to one room so long, why don’t the brothers just tell pop they wanna bunk in the other bedroom together and not worry ’bout it?! Dead skin cell eatin’ monster theories, garden tools covered in flashlights, slumber party massacres, jaw rippin’, school meltdowns, weird boogedy nightmares, otherwordly rescue missions under the bed, shapeshiftin’ tricks, and mom’s ashes confusingly used as boogey man deterrent! 2/5!


A minin’ operation six miles underwater is suddenly goin’ to shit in a handbasket, and as a handful of survivors in deep sea mech suits hurry to escape a watery grave, they discover a school of hungry sea monsters from the Mariana Trench are to blame. A creature feature that hits the ground runnin’, this special effects bonanza watches like a video game with a buncha nobodies racin’ the clock to make a series of checkpoints while fightin’ their way through an escalatin’ threat of mean marine life that culminates in a titanic boss battle. As light as all this is on character development, however, the flick still manages to make me care who lives or dies after awhile and creates ‘nough solid tension to make this an instant classic ‘mong sea monster fans. Implodin’ miners, human chum, lucky rabbit dolls, leg rippin’, explosive meltdowns, testicle lookin’ worm critters, wraith lookin’ sea vamps, mountain size monsters, escape pods, crushin’ depths, mile hikes through total darkness, and crawlspace corpses! 4/5!

UNEARTH (2021)

A desperate grandpappy leases his property to frackers to pay off some deep debt, and his corn farmin’ neighbors are none too happy ’bout it. Especially not after the frackers unknowingly strike some kinda fungus underground that unleashes some last minute body horror through the drinkin’ water. This ain’t the horror movie I expected, Scream Freaks! For starters, this rural soap opera spends the majority of its time on the preachy repercussions of dealin’ with frackin’ companies and tags all the fungus stuff on at the very end to assumingly help the filmmakers secure a distribution deal. This could have been frackin’s version of The Day After with all its insightfully depressin’ messages ’bout mankind’s impact on the environment for the worst, but ’cause the filmmakers decided to turn the last 15 minutes into random special effects deaths, horror fans like me are payin’ the price for admission and ain’t too happy with its failure to meet my expectations! Tainted waterholes, girlfriends bonin’ their dads, extreme close-up bangin’, fungi growths that looks like E.T.’s fingers, hand smashin’, lesbo kisses, wacky tobacky, explodin’ growths, and jelly babies! 2/5! 


A combat medical technician comes home from a tour in Afghanistan and slowly suspects her family’s bein’ possessed by Hawaiian booga-boos her husband pissed off on his travels. Best described as a Spielberg version of The Skeleton Key, this sharp lookin’ flick’s a family themed drama at its core, but offers a lot more bang for yer buck than yer average haunted house horror. My only gripe is how rough the story progresses with the G.I. mom leapfroggin’ suspicion over unnecessary scenes and transitions, and how underdeveloped the threat of the evil spirits’ ultimate goal is, which I think is just to write kids books. Magical black tar facials, chantin’, last minute heroines, demonic chases, radio chats from beyond, spirit dimensions, tiki totems, witchy women, rigged seances, possessions, bee attacks, lagoons full of bodies, drownin’s, and pill poppin’! 3/5! 


Hostel type killers from the dark web are pissed when one of their agent’s laptops ends up bein’ used for some yahoo’s game night with his friends on video chat and use every dirty digital trick to protect their deadly dealin’s the gamers eventually uncover. For a movie that’s presented in real time on a geek’s computer screen for an hour an a half, the filmmakers do a great job keepin’ me hooked to the very end with nervous anticipation for each gamer’s fate. The plot may get a little convoluted at times with the killers doin’ a lot of questionable things, but it all makes sense by the time you get to the twist at the end. Only dumb part is the wannabe heroine not bein’ more cautious of a hooded man standin’ right next to her at the subway. Fatal freefalls, bait and switches, chained girls, girls trapped in containers, suggested acid baths, borrowed heads, kidnappin’, bitcoin leverages, distorted assailants, subway deaths, deaf hotties, swat team executions, hangin’s, faked suicides, flatliners, and human roadkill! 4/5!


A meek nurse spends Christmas Eve listenin’ to a geezer’s merrily macabre tales of ball-trippin’ cannibal dinners and mad-drunk ghost gals then chews up the remainder of the movie with her own head-scratchin’ non-sense as a suppressed mama hatin’ slasher who talks to an Old Navy mannequin dressed like an elf. Decently produced and acted, the real sours of this flick is the writin’. The first story’s a little too ambiguous for my taste with the hero bein’ an unreliable narrator on shrooms, the second feels like it just abruptly drops its vomitin’ villainess in the middle of an unrelated story, and the nurse’s psycho drama her intermittent scenes lamely build up to just ruins the movie’s momentum and should have been edited down for ‘nother scary geezer story instead. Talkin’ mannequins, long-winded mama metaphor murders, GoPro stabbin’s, dismembered deep freeze corpses, shroom-o-vision, office party boobs, drunk girls, mean girls, throat slittin’, family members locked in closets, stranglin’, Bloody Mary drinkin’ games, and a ghost babe who kill folks in pretty unsupernatural ways ’til she vomits oatmeal down their throats! 3/5! 


A genetically altered cat hitches a ride on a booze cruise full of crooks and bimbos and hawks up a killer hairball with poisonous claws that blow folks’ veins up ’til they pop. This is an outrageously fun ’80s monster flick you gotta see to disbelieve! There’s plenty of beach body eye candy on display, a goofy sitcom soundin’ score, and a cast of respectable actors playin’ it straight which makes the charmin’ly ridiculous cat effects all the funnier. Only sweet/sour moment I’m really disappointed by is how rushed the endin’ feels as if the filmmakers just gave up believin’ in what they were makin’. Truck wrecks, lab escapes, (hawk) monstrous (hack) transformations, Garfield the cat’s stunt doubles, bathin’ suit bimbos, hot tub drownin’s, mauled feet and hands, splish splash suicides, severed fingers, food poisonin’s, gunshots to the shoulder, and crooked dealin’s of the rich and sleazy! 4/5!


Girls compete in a reality show to be the spokesperson for a new fashion line and are attacked by magical monsters summoned by the show’s hostess who needs the girls’ lives for restoring her youth. The film looks good, the actors are convincing, and the story is pretty original, but I personally would like to see a few more boobs and sooner, more thoughtful monster make-up, and there wasn’t any real escalation of danger or tension, because the monsters kept blanking everyone’s memory of their presence. Cyclops sex, blow-up bimbos, golden egg hunts, hateful old women, sad midget deaths, nice girls are last girls, misused magic, and Charlie O’Connell without his brother! 3/5! 


Miskatonic University students dick ’round an old house for laughs and poon tang and piss off a she-demon squattin’ in the attic. Based on H.P. Lovecraft’s short story, this cinematic adaptation beefs the original premise up with a teen slasher formula while seemingly mixin’ it with some of the Jersey Devil lore. The Unnamable‘s a little borin’ with lots of pissin’ time spent roamin’ hallways, but there’s ‘nough familiar horrors tropes to keep me mildly interested to the end. Decapitated corpses, boobs, catacombs, tree magic, necronomicons, slashin’, blood lettin’, horny frats, head bashin’, clap-on clap-off spells, and a lot of surprisingly undisturbed things for such an old house on a college campus! 3/5! 


A girl eagerly takes a job to care for a mother’s catatonic young’n, but the catch is the new family moved into the town’s haunted house where a family vanished without a trace years earlier. Bravin’ supernatural forces for a much needed paycheck, things only get worse for the girl when local yahoos break in to retrieve drugs they stashed in the basement, leavin’ her and the young’n stuck between spooks and crooks. This is a very impressive flick that is clearly made by filmmakers who know the genre, settin’ up predictable horror scenarios but with unexpected spins that make this film fresh and memorable. The actin’ is engagin’, the special effects don’t distract, and the twist endin’ would make Shamalamadingdong jealous! Secret lesbos, killer dead dogs, jaws ripped off, white trash boiled in the tub, folks flung through the air, airborne knives, incomplete bed of nails, bullyin’, backwood sacrifices, hangin’s, suspicious marbles, interstellar minds, and ghostly pranks with dishes. 4/5!


After a gang of high schoolers spin their wheels explorin’ haunts in their own town’s backwoods with some dead end daddy drama goin’ on at the same time, the story finally starts when they arrive at an Indian burial ground the last 20 minutes and get picked off one after ‘nother by Lou Ferrigno’s son who thinks he’s a wolf. This flick is shot and acted well ‘nough, but it’s unfortunately edited by a narcoleptic who must’ve been workin’ from a script that was shuffled out of order. There’s never a scene transition with any finesse, the students ain’t at the mercy of the elements, 2/3 of the movie end up bein’ an elaborate prank, the trip should’ve been outta town, and whatever’s goin’ on with the dad has no payoff or relevance whatsoever! Not much of a horror movie at all, even with the questionable supernatural twist at the very end. Trippin’ balls in the woods, hangin’s, bestial assaults, ghost huntin’, psycho slasher spirits, random dogs, crawlspace secrets, and gunshots to the chest! 2/5!

US (2019)

A family’s summer vacation is ruined by the mysterious arrival of honkin’ doppelgangers tryin’ to kill ’em, and things get weirder when it’s revealed they’re part of a much more bafflin’ invasion from underground. Yup, director Jordan Peele delivers ‘nother superb lookin’ flick with ‘nough film study nuggets to make any cinephile jizz their shorts, but I think the explanation behind the doppelgangers raises too many criticisms, and the twist at the end is just unnecessary and makes zero sense. Maybe Peele was makin’ a joke? Stabbin’s, knee clobberin’, golf clubs to the noggin’, fatal freefalls, neck snappin’, dancin’ defenses, rabbit eatin’, barbecued young’ns, impaled young’ns, throat slittin’, doppleganger chains ‘cross the nation, head smashin’, and lots of chasin’! 4/5! 

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