U – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

yuglkyTHE UGLY (1997)

A confessed serial killer named Simon, who may or may not have psychic powers, needs a popular psychiatrist’s 2nd opinion to help declare him cured so he can get out of a loony bin ran by cartoon characters. More sad than scary, this flashback movie of Simon’s abusive ugly duckling upbringing builds up to what horror fans hope to be a supernatural thriller, but his ghostly tormentors of victims past seem to be nothing but fibs for manipulating the rest of the cast. Straight razors to the throat, repetitive murder fantasies, wrestling rejects for orderlies, spittin’ good slop meals, ladies in red, hit and run dogs, and swank v.i.p. seats to psyche evaluations. 3/5! 

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (2018)

A pair of horny yahoos are duped into attendin’ an ugly sweater party at a jeerful Bible camp, and one of them is wearing an eyesore that’s haunted by the ghost of a serial killer who possesses him to slaughter the doomed Bible thumpers in the name of somethin’ called Sweaterface. A fresh take on Christmas horror that surprises ya with every twist and turn, this is kitchen sink filmmakin’ at its most metal with manic edits, kinetic camerawork, and a shameless ensemble of actors that includes horror hottie hall of famer, Felissa Rose. The only thing that can make this flick better than it already is is developin’ more of the relationships among the characters to give the story arc more trajectory. Bum beatin’s, head crushin’, police brutality, cursed Christmas attire, dick rippin’, blood squirtin’ facials, disgruntled employees, random rock videos, ray guns, head explosions, pub shavin’ in bowls of cereal, minimum Christmas decor, homo showers, ghosts, psychic visions, baptisms, dick props, evil time jumpin’, monstrous sweater transformations, zero boobs, skinny dippin, and Felissa Rose guest stars as a cheatin’ milf! 2/5!

THE UNBORN (1991)

A plain jane’s successfully impregnated by a new fertility clinic she’s referred to, but when her body starts rejectin’ the bun in her oven like an infection fightin’ to get out, she discovers her doctor’s been cuttin’ the sperm with some kinda super gene to create a race of strong-armin’ brainiacs. A solid prego horror that makes my jaw drop a few times after the little special effect’s born, this flick strives to be taken seriously, but its quirky ensemble of awkward actors combined with a handful of melodramatic moments make it more laughable than hauntin’. Young’n funerals, rub-a-dub deaths, ripped naval bleedin’, back alley abortions, dumpster babies, semi-possessed mind-controlled mamas, stabbin’s, baby maker windows, snow globe baby labs, rockin’ chair sex, vomittin’, hysterical TV broadcasts, knittin’ needles to the eye, dead babies galore, car wrecks, killer newborn mutie puppets suckin’ on tits, housewreckin’ pregos, soothin’ secret sounds, and neck snapped cats! 3/5!

UNCANNY ANNIE (2019)

A houseful of bores rather spend Halloween playin’ board games than party but unfortunately pick a game that’s haunted by a gigglin’ ghost who wants their souls for packagin’ art ‘less they beat a mix of slumber party challenges and escape her alternate box dimension. A successful horror spin on Jumanji‘s concept of a cursed board game, this Into the Dark flick from Hulu is a cut ‘bove the rest with a memorable villain terrorizin’ a cast of likable ‘nough yahoos I half-heartedly root for, but its monsters aren’t very scary, and there’s a major disconnect between the openin’ kill and the gang’s long dead buddy who I thought were one and the same ’til we got pretty far into this thing. Throat slittin’, stabbin’s, endless darkness, shallow drownin’s, spin the bottle, interdimensional traps, reality alterin’ ghosts, futuristic sight, Bloody Mary kinda dares, truth or dare, hide and seek, pranksters, keep-away, reaper-lookin’ henchmen, rigged outcomes, and supernatural drillin’! 4/5! 

THE UNDEAD (1957)

In this Roger Corman classic, scientists pay to hypnotize a hooker into medieval times where she relives a past life as a damsel outrunnin’ her own execution with shapeshiftin’ witches, heroic knights, and the devil. Jugglin’ the concepts of time travel and reincarnation, this black and white picture offers a unique combination of science fiction and the occult in a settin’ right out of Ghosts ‘n Goblins. A little too Shakespearian with the dialogue for my taste, but an overall nice throwback with amusin’ twists. Time travelin’ trances, ugly witches, hot witches, critter shapeshiftin’, imp sidekicks, head choppin’, cats, bats, pacts with the devil, gravediggin’ sing-songs, and botched rescues from the future! 3/5!

UNFRIENDED 2: DARK WEB (2018)

Hostel type killers from the dark web are pissed when one of their agent’s laptops ends up bein’ used for some yahoo’s game night with his friends on video chat and use every dirty digital trick to protect their deadly dealin’s the gamers eventually uncover. For a movie that’s presented in real time on a geek’s computer screen for an hour an a half, the filmmakers do a great job keepin’ me hooked to the very end with nervous anticipation for each gamer’s fate. The plot may get a little convoluted at times with the killers doin’ a lot of questionable things, but it all makes sense by the time you get to the twist at the end. Only dumb part is the wannabe heroine not bein’ more cautious of a hooded man standin’ right next to her at the subway. Fatal freefalls, bait and switches, chained girls, girls trapped in containers, suggested acid baths, borrowed heads, kidnappin’, bitcoin leverages, distorted assailants, subway deaths, deaf hotties, swat team executions, hangin’s, faked suicides, flatliners, and human roadkill! 4/5!

UNINVITED (1988)

A genetically altered cat hitches a ride on a booze cruise full of crooks and bimbos and hawks up a killer hairball with poisonous claws that blow folks’ veins up ’til they pop. This is an outrageously fun ’80s monster flick you gotta see to disbelieve! There’s plenty of beach body eye candy on display, a goofy sitcom soundin’ score, and a cast of respectable actors playin’ it straight which makes the charmin’ly ridiculous cat effects all the funnier. Only sweet/sour moment I’m really disappointed by is how rushed the endin’ feels as if the filmmakers just gave up believin’ in what they were makin’. Truck wrecks, lab escapes, (hawk) monstrous (hack) transformations, Garfield the cat’s stunt doubles, bathin’ suit bimbos, hot tub drownin’s, mauled feet and hands, splish splash suicides, severed fingers, food poisonin’s, gunshots to the shoulder, and crooked dealin’s of the rich and sleazy! 4/5!

ycharmUNLUCKY CHARMS aka MISCREATIONS (2013)

Girls compete in a reality show to be the spokesperson for a new fashion line and are attacked by magical monsters summoned by the show’s hostess who needs the girls’ lives for restoring her youth. The film looks good, the actors are convincing, and the story is pretty original, but I personally would like to see a few more boobs and sooner, more thoughtful monster make-up, and there wasn’t any real escalation of danger or tension, because the monsters kept blanking everyone’s memory of their presence. Cyclops sex, blow-up bimbos, golden egg hunts, hateful old women, sad midget deaths, nice girls are last girls, misused magic, and Charlie O’Connell without his brother! 3/5! 

THE UNNAMABLE (1988)

Miskatonic University students dick ’round an old house for laughs and poon tang and piss off a she-demon squattin’ in the attic. Based on H.P. Lovecraft’s short story, this cinematic adaptation beefs the original premise up with a teen slasher formula while seemingly mixin’ it with some of the Jersey Devil lore. The Unnamable‘s a little borin’ with lots of pissin’ time spent roamin’ hallways, but there’s ‘nough familiar horrors tropes to keep me mildly interested to the end. Decapitated corpses, boobs, catacombs, tree magic, necronomicons, slashin’, blood lettin’, horny frats, head bashin’, clap-on clap-off spells, and a lot of surprisingly undisturbed things for such an old house on a college campus! 3/5! 

THE UNSPOKEN (2017)

A girl eagerly takes a job to care for a mother’s catatonic young’n, but the catch is the new family moved into the town’s haunted house where a family vanished without a trace years earlier. Bravin’ supernatural forces for a much needed paycheck, things only get worse for the girl when local yahoos break in to retrieve drugs they stashed in the basement, leavin’ her and the young’n stuck between spooks and crooks. This is a very impressive flick that is clearly made by filmmakers who know the genre, settin’ up predictable horror scenarios but with unexpected spins that make this film fresh and memorable. The actin’ is engagin’, the special effects don’t distract, and the twist endin’ would make Shamalamadingdong jealous! Secret lesbos, killer dead dogs, jaws ripped off, white trash boiled in the tub, folks flung through the air, airborne knives, incomplete bed of nails, bullyin’, backwood sacrifices, hangin’s, suspicious marbles, interstellar minds, and ghostly pranks with dishes. 4/5!

US (2019)

A family’s summer vacation is ruined by the mysterious arrival of honkin’ doppelgangers tryin’ to kill ’em, and things get weirder when it’s revealed they’re part of a much more bafflin’ invasion from underground. Yup, director Jordan Peele delivers ‘nother superb lookin’ flick with ‘nough film study nuggets to make any cinephile jizz their shorts, but I think the explanation behind the doppelgangers raises too many criticisms, and the twist at the end is just unnecessary and makes zero sense. Maybe Peele was makin’ a joke? Stabbin’s, knee clobberin’, golf clubs to the noggin’, fatal freefalls, neck snappin’, dancin’ defenses, rabbit eatin’, barbecued young’ns, impaled young’ns, throat slittin’, doppleganger chains ‘cross the nation, head smashin’, and lots of chasin’! 4/5! 

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