T – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
TALES FROM THE HOOD 2 (2018)
Before a private contractor unveils his new crime fightin’ toon bot, he hires a professional storyteller to help develop its ability to recognize society’s biggest threats with a buncha twisted supernatural tales full of thieves and murderers at their worst. A decently entertainin’ sequel with a hysterically funny Keith David replacin’ Clarence Williams III as the devilish host, Mr. Simms, this top shelf lookin’ anthology boasts some humorously meaningful stories with alotta great actin’, but completely bombs when it comes to all their endin’s save the “Robo Hell” wraparound. Fer all the great set-ups its tales have with “Good Golly” and “The Medium” bein’ my favorites, most of ’em close out on a frustratingly sour note with confusin’ twists and ill fittin’ comeuppance. Especially in the clever yet overly preachy segment, “The Sacrifice,” which still baffles me why exactly the councilman was required to die to keep history on track given what little I know ’bout time travel. I still prefer the original Tales From the Hood, but this sucker’s worth a watch if just to see Keith happily hollerin’ ’bout “The shit!”. Torso chompin’ doors, dry humpin’ with larger than life gollie dolls, explodin’ gollie doll births, disembowlein’ whippin’, possessions, fatal punchin’, kidnappin’, home invadin’, head twistin’, glass eatin’, psychic show phonies, electrocutions, paranormal time travelin’, KKK dystopias, vampy ladies, roofies, and cartoon lasers galore! 3/5!
TALES FROM THE HOOD 3 (2020)
While sneakin’ through a mysterious graveyard to a surprise endin’, Tony Todd gets an earful of a little girl’s humdrum tales featurin’ real estate scandals gone to hell, monologue heavy racists, Skeleton Key wannabes, and ironic voodoo justice. With the exception of Tony’s wraparound and the chuckle worthy tale of a guy rapidly decomposin’ in a pair of cursed kicks, this wet blanket of a sequel is nowhere near as fun or witty as the first two Tales From the Hood. As saturated of laughs as it is color, especially with no Mr. Simms to liven things up, these tales are painfully predictable with all too familiar twists and just a drag to watch. The best part of the movie fer me is rememberin’ a little girl is tellin’ the story when a kook in one of the more slightly clever segments happily orders a prop in his inflatable threeway to have some of his ass taco! Only recommended for die-hard Hood fans. Human matchstick ghosts, spooky prank calls, arson, bullets to the chest, fatal punch-outs, shitty britches, livin’ rigormortis, spiritual switcheroos, human zoos, demon young’ns, axe murderers, kidnappin’s, and decapitated ghost brats! 3/5!
TALES OF HALLOWEEN (2015)
Not one but ten scary stories from a small town on Halloween night, rangin’ from malicious trick ‘r treaters to fatal fuedin’ neighbors and all things that go bump in the night with horror hall of famers in between. The best Halloween anthology since Trick ‘r Treat (2007), this is a great film that offers plenty of satisfyin’ shorts supported with awesome special effects, actors, and music. Claymation aliens, Friday the 13th nods, demons, clingy bat boys, killer jack-o-lanterns, decapitations, back alley showdowns, car jackin’s, robberies, chucklin’ ghosts, Evil Dead nods, candy lovin’ freaks, disembowelments, eyeball snacks, stabbin’s, young’n ambushes, bike chases, arms severed, and Adrienne Barbeau returns to the airwaves as our favorite horror DJ! 5/5!
TALISMAN (1998)
A private school full of assholes is ground zero for the comin’ apocalypse, and one lone student must break in the new millennia fightin’ possessed classmates and their heart rippin’ devil to stop it. A well paced suspense thriller with thoughtful twists and red herrings to keep things interestin’, my only wince for this slow-burnin’ Full Moon flick is the cheesy CGI. Proposed incest, 21 Jump Street investigations, animated talismans, Uncle Fester demons, heart rippin’, homo-erotic dorms, attempted rapes, mercy handshakes, food fights, stabbin’s, possessions, and monstrous transformations! 3/5!
TAMMY AND THE T-REX (1994)
After school bullies leave Paul Walker to be mauled by a lion, a horny mad scientist obsessed with immortality steals his brain and dumps it in a mechanical dinosaur. Now a walkin’ theme park prop, Paul’s out to bite the heads off everyone responsible for his prehistoric predicament and reunite with his heartbroken girlfriend, Tammy. One of the wackiest films I’ve ever seen that blurs the lines ‘tween gore-tastic horror and teenage humor, this flick has one of the most ridiculous plots ever committed to celluloid but its ensemble of talent play it straight ‘nough to make it an instant guilty pleasure I’ll be enjoyin’ ‘gain and ‘gain. The biggest suspension of disbelief ain’t the robo-saurus, mind ya, but what all he can do with those itty bitty disjointed arms. Flattened henchmen, head bitin’, noggin’ sawin’, brain yankin’, instant boners, big cat attacks with one lion shot off camera, faked deaths, PG-13 strippin’, dino spoonin’, necro kissin’, rope chewin’, leg bitin’, disembowelin’, high school bullies, naughty hench girls, school yard brawls, crotch crushin’, aroused brains, dino shoot-outs, Buck Flowers without a beard and not playin’ a bum or hick for once, cop car chases, and Children of the Corn‘s Isaac as a lab assistant! 4/5!
TAR (2020)
An ancient one eyed tar monster with hatred for noise and light takes its sweet time oozin’ up through the basement of an office buildin’ and slaughters a buncha quirky employees. This creature feature has so much goin’ for it from its charmin’ cast and vicious effects to the thoughtful cinematography and commercial soundtrack, that it’s sooo disappointin’ how lame the story end’s up bein’. Not only does the film take an hour ‘fore the core characters I become attach to even know there’s a monster, it practically rushes through all their deaths at once without a lick of suspense, makin’ ’em feel ’bout as important to this story as the periodic randos the creature kills to stack the body count. Super flashlights, longwinded backstories, dick landlords, perfect cleavage, face rippin’, violent head twistin’, sticky deaths, chest impalement, basement squattin’ hobos with all the answers, tonsil hockey deals, weird deaths edited like a movie trailer, and unnecessary flashbacks! 3/5!
TARANTULA (1955)
A scientist experiments with radioactive super-nutrients for solving world hunger but only deforms lab assistants and grow lab animals to ridiculous sizes, one of which is an escaped giant tarantula that tears through the desert hunting for food. Plenty of big bug action with well written characters, this fast paced monster movie doesn’t disappoint! Tarantula vision, disgruntled employees, meat stripped cattle, dynamite, air strikes, puddy-face scientists, unflattering scarf ties, and live-action blue screen spiders as big as mountains. 4/5!
TARDY TERROR aka HORROR HIGH(2020)
A principle is fed-up with students not gettin’ to class fast ‘nough and builds some kinda doomsday doodad that accidentally transforms him into a monstrous hall monitor who can brainwash every adult in town while he snatches K-12 students who ain’t in class after the tardy bell rings. When the new kid in town refuses to accept this as the norm, he rallies a gang of arcade rats to help him end the principle’s stranglehold over the community. Ignorin’ the novelty this flick was impressively made by high schoolers, this story makes absolutely no sense. Skippin’ the obvious questions like the principle’s nonsense backstory, if every student’s terrified of a booger gunnin’ fer ’em in the halls, why’s everyone drag ass to to class and wait ’til the last sec to run in a panic? Better yet, why do they even bother goin’ to a school infested with monsters at all?! If all the adults are couch potato zombies, why doesn’t this town resemble Children of the Corn more with young’ns doin’ whatever they want without fear of the law? Terrific achievement in student filmmakin’ but a frustratin’ watch. Mesmerizin’ lightshows, explodin’ pizza parlors, school dances, student on student beat downs, underground labyrinths, impaled legs, and disembowelin’! 2/5!
TARGET EARTH (1954)
A handful of confused strangers find each other after snoozin’ through a citywide evacuation and finds out it’s ’cause Earth’s bein’ invaded by killer arts and crafts robots a buncha evil fifth graders from space musta built. If these shoestring budget doomsday machines ain’t entertainin’ ‘nough fer ya, their sexist targets are. While I enjoy the comedic spats ‘tween the party hardy couple whose affection fer one ‘nother reminds me of Al and Peg Bundy from Married . . . with Children, it’s their companions’ ridiculously buddin’ romance that has me rollin’ with laughter. How often are audiences supposed to be happy a woman ends up in the arms of a fella who smacks her ’round while tellin’ her to shut-up and stay put most the time they’ve known each other? Only sour I’m knockin’ this black and white sci-fi fer, however, is its abruptly disjointed detours to the government’s side of the invasion which feels like its own separate flick as they plan the defeat of their ray blastin’ enemies with as much excitement as a janitor changin’ light bulbs one-handed. Painted laser ray deaths, noisy defenses, hotel hide-outs, well meanin’ lootin’, and jump scare corpses! 3/5!
THE TASK (2011)
Let me save ya some time and cut to the chase. A buncha folks are plopped in a supposedly haunted prison as part of a reality gameshow with alotta borin’ challenges, everyone from the producers to the contestants think they’re bein’ pranked, and when all is said and done, the real ghost of the infamous warden takes ’em all out at the last possible minute in one fell swoop. This supernatural slammer flick has top shelf production value and a decent cast, so it’s a shame its poorly structured story and flat line action sequences fail to build any tension much less develop characters I give two shits ’bout. The filmmakers shoulda studied flicks that did the whole real threats in a game concept better like the House on Haunted Hill remake from 1999. Cool idea for a villain, though, and the poo bath challenge is sure to get a reaction outta ya. Gas chamber executions, eye stabbin’, cookin’ challenges, kidnappin’s, fake peein’, stabbin’s galore, spook doubles, psych-outs, and folks slung all over the place by unsee forces! 2/5!
T
EENAGE SPACE VAMPIRES (1999)
In this young’n friendly flick from Full Moon, a nerdy paperboy figures out his town’s bein’ invaded by vampires from space and teams up with a professional U.F.O chaser to stop them from harnessin’ the power of the sun for world domination. If you like the Goosebumps TV show or Eerie Indiana, then this is right up your alley. Innocent fun without bein’ stupid, decent actin’ and make-up effects, the only sour for me is some sad CGI peppered in. Explosions, gargoyle security cams, spy stones, minin’ vampires, folks turned space fangers, Swiss army knife defenses, unidentified flyin’ potatoes, and non-stop barkin’ in the background! 3/5!
TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)
Thrill seeking alien teens invade Earth for farming space lobsters, but one rebel without a clue would rather mingle with Earth girls which results in death laser massacres across town. This might feel like a film that’s quick to dismiss at the beginning, but packs enough cheeseball ideas to put a grin on any B-movie fan’s face. Recycled Air Force gear for space props, wiggling skeletons, ray guns, car crashes, dead dogs, and a man growls while waving a lobster in front of the camera as the giant monster from beyond the stars! 4/5!
TELL ME HOW I DIE (2016)
A group of young adults volunteer to be locked up in the mountains for an easy paying gig testing a new memory drug that may have side effects including seeing the future like Nicholas Cage in Knowing. The experiment is interrupted, however, when a past test patient goes homicidal from seeing the timeline all at once and seeks revenge on everyone in the compound. Old school slasher with a sci-fi twist, this flick offers slick cinematography and a great group of actors working off each other. My only gripe is I think it could have been better if it pushed the powers further and developed the villain more so it wasn’t so much Tom & Jerry toward the end. Stabbings, heads in bear traps, beackseat ambushes, barbwire slides, explosions, and asphyxiation. 3/5!
TEMPLE (2017)
A love triangle of American tourists are travelin’ Japan and make it their mission to visit the most uninspirin’ shack of a temple one of them finds in a raggedy ol’ book. Ignorin’ everyone’s warnin’s to avoid the cursed place and its history with missin’ young’ns, the “will they, won’t they” gang end up spendin’ the night at the unholy dive and fight supernatural forces tryin’ to tear them apart the last few minutes of the movie. This English speakin’ flick is well shot and has blips of unnervin’ moments with its ghosts and monsters, but I think it needs to thread more horror through the story, solidify the true chemistry between the girl and her best friend, and make a bigger deal of the temple’s history. Punkin’ ecto-young’ns, lessons in loose lips sinkin’ relationships, two-headed shape shifters, disfigured witnesses, pack of wild ghost young’ns, eye gougin’ myths, disembowelments, monstrous mine chases, and one awkward sex scene among friends that’s wrong in so many ways! 3/5!
TERRIFIER (2017)
Art, that terrifyin’ clown from those All Hallows’ Eve movies, goes solo in his own slasher flick and mutilates anyone unlucky enough to cross his path on Halloween night like a couple of party chicks he chases and torments in a dump bein’ fumigated for rats. The girls are hot, the violence is unsettlin’, and the gore is all over the walls in this cut-throat love letter to video nasties with one of the most unforgettable killers of the 21st century. I just don’t like how there’s not a lot of story much less a character’s journey through the insanity that’s just fucked up Tom and Jerry shenanigans. Decapitations, decap-o-lanterns, stabbin’s, upside down gals sawed in half from crotch to face, folks shot up to Swiss cheese, possible supernatural resurrections, sicko selfies, face eatin’, eye gougin’, transgender basement surgeries, rusty whips, drive-thru slashin’s, fecal graffiti, suffocations, scalpin’s, chest carvin’, head smashin’, and freak survivors! 4/5!
TERRIFIER 2 (2022)
Art the Clown pulls a Lazarus in the morgue and cleans himself up in time for next Halloween to stalk and violently mutilate a gang of teenage gals, one of which is experiencin’ some kinda psychic connection with him to no real avail. All slaughter, little substance, Art continues his silver screen carnage with the faintest thread of a storyline from All Hallows’ Eve to now, is still as mysterious as ever, and refuses to follow movie rules of any kind. Even more complexin’ is the addition of a creepy sidekick in the form of a bugged eyed girl who might or might not be there whose role in the film can’t be explained in the two and a half hours the filmmakers spend tellin’ a story with a remarkably bare bones plot. Aside from the flick givin’ horror fans some of the most gut wrenchin’ kills ever committed to celluloid, it deserves major kudos fer featurin’ a phenomenal performance by Lauren LaVera as Sienna, Art’s newest target dressed as a badass angel fer Halloween. Tough and compellin’, I haven’t been this impressed with a last girl since the stereotype shatterin’ performance in You’re Next. Head smashin’, acid attacks, face meltin’, crushed chests, table leg clubs full o’ nails, fireproof daggers, longwinded dream sequence massacres, impaled heads, face rippin’, stabbin’s galore, dancin’ on Molly, fairground showdowns, scalpin’, gouged eye pokin’, Achilles tendon bitin’, finger bitin’, scalpel swipin’ galore, home invadin’, trick or treatin’, mannequin disguises, explodin’ heads, shotguns to the face, dead critter pokin’, kidnappin’, voice imitatin’, home made cat o’ nine tail whippin’, dick severin’, booger sugar, home fires, car vandalizin’, and one of the weirdest paranormal births in a mental institution! 3/5!
TERROR EYES (2021)
In this jumbled mess, a gang of yahoos are annoyingly compelled to record every damn thing they do on a trip to a music festival and are harassed by a random couple of livestreamin’ pranksters seekin’ dark web approval by their ninja hacker hero, Bryan, who’s actually the brother of one of their targets. This has a nugget of a decent concept ’round a great idea for a cyber criminal, but it’s all sours after that. The set-up for the purpose behind Bryan’s Terror Eyes site, the relationships ‘mong all the characters, and especially the twists and reveals at the end are just fucked from the get-go, ’cause this movie can’t decide what it wants to do. If this is Bryan’s edited version of a movie, why do we keep cuttin’ to his hacker fan buttin’ in? Are the girlfriends constantly updatin’ social media, ’cause they’re internet famous too or somethin’? What’s the point of editin’ the movie like Bryan’s not ’round when it’s the complete opposite? Is Terror Eyes a platform for users to post awful pranks or a channel for Bryan to share real life and death videos he swipes from other sources? How the hell can anyone hack a camera that has no WiFi? Is this flick worth your time? Nope! 2/5!
TERROR FIRMER (1999)
A behind the scenes parody of making a Troma film, Lloyd Kaufman plays a blind director struggling to finish the next Toxic Avenger movie while members of his crew are being killed off by a mysterious slasher in women’s clothing. Like anything Kaufman directs, this film is jam packed with non-stop violence, fart gags, vomiting, dicks, boobs, gore, and piss . . . and we wouldn’t have it any other way! 4 sex love triangles, mental rape games, escalator gore, stock footage car flips, head to toe shit, head to toe vomit, Kabukiman cameos, Toxie cameos, Mad Cowboy cameos, softcore fucking, fucked up Ron Jeremy, Sleepaway Camp twist, fat man streaking, severed limbs, film industry sermons, Seinfeld nods, stunt dummies, and much much more! 4/5!
TERROR IN NEW YORK aka REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES (1980)
A female reporter wants to know what makes Stepford tick, but her investigation only ticks off the local men who’ve traded their robot lovers in for brainwashed companions waitin’ on ’em hand and foot to provide a cushy life they’d kill to protect. A nice TV movie of the week follow-up to the original Stepford Wives, I’m disappointed in the lame switch from robots to drugged house wives, but this flick introduces plenty of new characters, gives a little more insight into the mysterious Men’s Association, and mixes things up with a single woman confrontin’ the town’s twisted morals ‘stead of a panicked mama. Fender benders, pill poppin’ galore, sirens galore, drug overdose, hair saloon brainwashin’, booze induced malfunctions, bar fights, lynch mobs, and Don Johnson as a rookie cop fed up with his wife’s sass! 3/5!
TERROR ON TOUR (1980)
While the newest KISS-wannabe band, the Clowns, are exploitin’ the darker side of rock ‘n roll with mannequin murderin’ performances, a knife wieldin’ psycho disguises himself in their circus rock attire and slashes through their fan club. Rock ‘n roll and horror are made for each other, but damn it, so many filmmakers completely drop the ball when combinin’ the two. In this case, there’s no point of view to tell the narrative through, we don’t give a shit about any characters (’cause they’re all criminally flat without any distinguishable personality), there’s violence but barely any gore, and there’s zip tension thanks to the Clowns bein’ the least interested in people turnin’ up dead at their performances. The music’s nothin’ memorable either. Plenty of boobs, red herrin’s, stabbin’s, suspicious hanky panky rooms, mannequin violence, Siskel and Ebert lookin’ cops, and a sudden endin’ without any real resolution! 2/5!
TERROR TOONS (2002)
Satan captures a household of kids in his new cartoon series, Terror Toons, and makes them fight for their lives against the sadistic Dr. Carnage and his runaway monkey experiment, Max Assassin. The animation and editin’ in this flick is very rough compared to similar stories like that one killer toon short in the Twilight Zone Movie, but it’s a clever idea that’s anything but borin’. There’s some legit creepy moments, decent actin’, and a story that doesn’t fall flat. The most fucked up part is watchin’ adults play really young kids which leaves you questionin’ if you’re technically bein’ a pedophile when enjoyin’ an eyeful of a topless chick you have to remind yourself is playin’ a 10 yr old! Tops of heads sawed off, skeleton removal surgeries, disembowelments, kiddie meat puppets, monkies with guns, spines ripped out, super hero transformations, explosions, dynamite, decapitations, dead pizzaboys, strip Ouija, bodily dismemberment with a pizza cutter, needles to the brain, vomittin’, fatal magic acts, girls sawed in half, Satan, men in drag, brains stomped out, and axes to the face! 3/5!
TERROR TOONS 2 (2007)
Satan’s son (the Antichrist?) continues Hell’s master plan to collect suckers’ souls with cursed bargain bin DVDs unleashin’ live-action toons on a murder spree, and he sets up shop at one poor girl’s birthday party he sics twisted versions of Hansel and Gretel on. Featurin’ Microsoft Paint lookin’ special effects, this shallow sequel is more or less a rehash of the original with new gore gags and party store costumes. The whole concept o’ the cartoon world and Hansel and Gretel’s monstrous origins don’t make a lick o’ sense given Devil Jr’s supposedly doodlin’ these guys into existence, the rules to who lives and dies durin’ a game of musical scares is confusin’, and some scenes have so little story, I just fast forward ’til something actually happens. That said, however, this is a truly bizarre indie flick to behold with some memorable upchuck worthy gore and deserves a little recognition for its resourceful originality. Head hammerin’, body horror cooties, monstrous transformations, arm rippin’, skin tearin’, needles in the ass, sloppy brain transplants, fatal ticklin’, explodin’ hearts, interdimensional portals, throwdowns with Satan’s seed, eye gougin’ with electric bolts, superhero transformations, traps, throat slittin’, and explodin’ birthday clowns with cracked brain spillin’ baskets! 2/5!
TERROR TOONS 3 (2015)
The aftermath of the first flick is revisited with a confusin’ mulligan as Doctor Carnage and his victims rise from the dead at the hospital fer more Photoshop mayhem, but just when the gore starts flyin’, the movie takes an unexpected turn and devotes the majority of its skimpy runtime to the godfather of gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis, readin’ an entirely unrelated fairy tale ’bout fucked up live action versions of Red Ridin’ Hood and the Big Bad Wolf fightin’ crooked cops in cartoon land. Don’t get me wrong, the Terror Toons movies are a hair’s breadth from bein’ totally unwatchable, but I absolutely hate how the filmmakers completely abandoned Satan’s plot for world conquest established in the last two movies and dupe me with this bait and switch bullshit to watch some inconsequential short crammed with Adult Swim humor cranked to 11. Even worse, the few minutes actually actual meant to be a Terror Toons sequel has zero plot. It’s just an unrelentin’ fever dream of chaotic splatter gore explodin’ ‘cross the screen in a bloodbath of home video practical effects and cut ‘n paste animation. I say skip it, and fangs crossed part 4 is closer to how these weirdo flicks were started! Gore galore, full frontal fer boys and girls, and boobs big ‘nough to destroy buildings! 2/5!
TERROR TRAIN (2022)
College horn dogs board a party train fer Halloween, but things fly off the rails when a costume stealin’ slasher starts droppin’ folks responsible fer an ol’ frat prank gone wrong. A woke remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis flick from 1980, this features better than average actin’ and camerawork but doesn’t divert from the original material ‘nough to claim its own identity. Despite its nearly beat fer beat rehashin’, however, the filmmakers do get rid of the confusin’ New Year’s Eve/graduation/costume party theme from the original fer a straight up Halloween movie, some characters’ genders are switch ’round to the story’s benefit, and the whole psycho crossdresser twist is dumped which gives me some fun guessin’ where the killer’s hidin’ this time. Impaled clowns, head bashed lizard people, hanky panky stabbin’s, decapitations, throat slittin’, magic knife shows, firearm executions, manic mamas thrown from the train, corpse kissin’, laughable freak outs, blood galore, and train bangin’ with boobs! 3/5!
TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022)
In this absolutely pointless sequel to a remake no one asked fer, it’s been a year since a college Halloween party derailed into a bloodbath on a train, and the infamous survivors are ready to put the past behind ’em and ring in the New Year on that same locomotive, never suspectin’ a new party crasher is lookin’ to slash ’em all. I’m at a loss fer words why this flick exists. I can see a loose sequel featurin’ a different slasher on a different train with different characters, but to swallow the idea so many of the survivors from the first movie would put themselves in the exact same traumatizin’ situation is just too ridiculous. Even worse, this ain’t any better than the first flick, hittin’ most the same who-dunnit beats full of forgettable kills. Watch it if yer a die-hard fan or that movie buff that’s gotta see everythin’, otherwise, ya might wanna skip this cinematic oddity. Few costumes, murder fans, bad card tricks, livestreamin’ stabbin’s, corpse hidin’, intestine pullin’ with a stick, and lotta offscreen kills! 3/5!
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022)
When a gang of green lookin’ real estate investors try auctionin’ off a ghost town in Texas as the next hot spot for hipster renovations, they accidentally stress an ol’ local to death whose passin’ brings a pissed off Leatherface outta retirement to avenge her with an unrelentin’ bloodbath. Kinda its own direct sequel to the original Hooper flick, this is the best installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series I’ve seen in awhile, but it’s love/hate fandom at best. I dig the look and feel of this movie with its stylized camerawork intensified by a fantastically grim soundin’ score, and I absolutely love how fresh the story feels with the whole downtown scenario as opposed to the usual breakdowns and haunted house plots Leatherface’s movies are best known fer. Regardin’ the sours, however, the cast is far from convincin’ as a buncha land barons, the usual callin’ cards of a Chainsaw flick like cannibalism and psycho kin are completely absent, and worst of all — the filmmakers steal ideas from 2018’s Halloween and turn Texas Chainsaw’s original last girl Sally into an obsessed gun-totin’ watchdog like Laurie Strode which comes off as silly as Leatherface deflectin’ bullets with his saw. It’s the details over Leatherface’s retconned history that leave me hopin’ the filmmakers start the timeline all over ‘gain in the next one. Onscreen decapitations with a chainsaw, uppercuts with a chainsaw, sewage baths, crawlspace chases, party bus massacres, folks chainsawed in half, severed limbs galore, jaw rippin’, disembowlein’, face rippin’, head smashin’ with oxygen tank, ambulance wrecks, heart attacks, chainsaws to the gut, peculiar waterholes, staged corpses, neck stabbin’ with snapped wrist bones, chainsaw dicks, hammer chuckin’, murder evidence hidey holes, and fatal ass whoopin’s! 3/5!
THANKSKILLING (2009)
A centuries old Native American curse befalls a group of Thanksgiving partyers as they’re hunted by Turkie, a fowl-mouthed killer bird. If its crazy off-the-wall low-budget entertainment with boobs, gore, and monster puppets you’re lookin’ for, then this is it! Easily a new annual tradition for creature feature/slasher fans. Desecrated miniature totem poles, dead dogs, animated flashbacks, fakest lookin’ sheriffs ever committed to celluloid, fiery deaths, skinned faces, life-like masks, interspecies bangin’, car jackin’s, airborne rabbits, turkey dumps, throat slitting, men in turkey costumes, chest bursting turkeys, coded spell books, tipi hideouts, radioactive resurrection, tongue ripping, heart ripping, stabbings, topless pilgrims, and dinner table jump scares! 5/5!
THEODORE REX (1995)
Something like Jurassic Park meets Disney’s Dinosaurs, Whoopi Goldberg squeezes her ass into a rubber glove to play a bionic police bitch of the future who’s forced to team-up with Teddy Rex, a cookie lovin’ dino-cop with big dreams. Together, they must stop Teddy’s creator, a bio-engineerin’ fat cat, from startin’ a new ice age so he can play Noah 3000 with his arc of resurrected species. While often labeled as one of the biggest movie disasters of the ’90s, I have to give it credit for its high production value that’s nothin’ to scoff at for a kid’s flick. It’s just that it’s such a nutty idea for a story that might have made more sense if it went full dino instead of this coexistence thing with people and dinos makin’ a livin’ together, and it doesn’t help you can see Whoopi emotin’ her disdain for bein’ in this thing with every scene. Explodin’ butterflies, dead dinos, huge dino heads, dino funerals, dinocides, tail gags galore, mutant henchmen, explosions, kidnappin’s, deep freeze deaths, toy puppets with as much movement as a Mexican action figure, garbage patrol vehicles, cookie contraptions, dino night clubs, dino dancin’, and explodin’ heads! 3/5!
THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE (1991)
It’s spring break, and a colorful gang of ’80s teens zip up the mountain to party at one of their parents’ cabins, never suspectin’ a rubber e.t.’s prowlin’ the surroundin’ woods for dirty interstellar action. This comedic sci-fi/horror flick is a fun find, wonderfully capturin’ the last breath of the ’80s on celluloid with a fun group of convincin’ friends who keep the energy up for the duration of the film. The comedy rides a fine line that inconsistently dips into slapstick at times, but the e.t. monster’s taken seriously with strategic Jaws camerawork, and the cleverly written hero beats Scream to the punch as a horror fan relyin’ on hours watchin’ fright flicks for survival. Random van full of skinny dippin’ rockers, boobs in the shower, car wrecks, laser eyes, mind control, fatal freefalls, window decapitations, pond swimmin’, nude sex scenes, last girls in bikinis, video store nightmares, foreign exchange students, skirt rippin’, horny e.t. puppets, dissolvin’ faces, boom mike rescues, shavin’ cream defenses, e.t. car chases, e.t.s in the oven, ball grabbin’, and explosions! 3/5!
THERE’S SOMEONE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE (2021)
Small town high schoolers party it up as the news reports a killer who’s out to publically expose their dirty secrets while wearin’ 3D printed masks of their mugs. A beautifully shot movie with solid actin’, this whodunnit slasher’s biggest flaw is well . . . its slasher! Relyin’ too much on ’em just being a psycho followin’ psychio logic, the victims are as random as names outta hat, and I don’t think any of their secrets are extreme ‘nough to justify the gore-tastic ends they meet, even by horror movie standards. Like who gives a flyin’ fuck that one unlucky stiff’s secret is bein’ addicted to pain killers? For a flick that openly references I Know What You Did Last Summer, I’d think the filmmakers would have done a better job buildin’ a murder mystery ’round teens with a secret. Achilles heel severin’, home invadin’, taser guns, swords through the noggin’, head impalin’, belly slicin’, stabbin’ galore, parked make-out sessions, secret partyin’, Nazi memorabilia converted to hookas, bonfire victims, white power propagandas, sleep walkin’ grannies, corn maze chaos, and lotta print-out plasterin’! 2/3!
THEY BITE (1996)
A scientist moonlighting as a trash journalist is after the scoop of her career when alien fishmen are killing women off the shores of a small town but keeps getting foiled by a porno film crew capitalizing on their presence. A waaay better film than you might initially give it credit for, this has a really good story, likable characters, plenty of boobs and monster action, but has a anti-climatic ending that fails to satisfy. Watery deaths, subs, underwater spaceships, wet t-shirt contests, bar chaos, hit and run aliens, dicks bitten off, alien va jay jays, beach body parts, dirty pastors, shirtless Ron Jeremy, and alien clean-up crews! 4/5!
THEY COME KNOCKING (2019)
In this loosely themed Father’s Day horror, a dad drives his daughters out to the middle of nowhere to spread their dead mama’s ashes then find themselves under siege by a roamin’ gang of creatures disguised as freaky rubber face brats in hoodies who wanna play rough and kidnap the youngest crafts-lovin’ young’n for reasons nobody knows. This crisply shot flick’s got a lot goin’ for it with a likable family holdin’ their own ‘gainst creepy lookin’ party crashers, but the tension loses its grip by the halfway point, and the endin’ sucks ’cause it goes all metaphorical, leavin’ me to hatefully questionin’ everythin’ I just watched. Sabotaged rides, wine bottle urns, bottles of piss, doodle clues, slashin’, pryin’ guns from cold dead fingers, and ghostly mamas! 2/5!
THEY CRAWL (2001)
This killer roach flick should have been titled They Suck, because it’s one of the most borin’ movies I’ve ever had to fast forward through to stay awake. A soldier returns home to find out his genius brother’s kicked the bucket with a bang and teams up with a tough cop chick to find out why. After an agonizin’ blow by blow investigation with everybody runnin’ in circles to talk with every stiff crime drama stereotype, the snooze team finally catches up with the audience and find out they’re up against flesh hungry cockroaches of regular size, and Mickey Rourke has somethin’ to do with it in a bit appearance he blatantly phoned in before taggin’ his stunt double to finish the scene. This really needs less drab colors schemes, more engagin’ actors, a steady escalation of danger, waaay more bug action despite it all bein’ shitty CGI, and reign in the gumshoe detective work that’s just all over the place. Best parts are the roaches comin’ together to form one giant super roach, and Tim Thomerson briefly playin’ an exterminator who becomes roach lunch! 2/5!
THEY CRAWL BENEATH (2022)
An earthquake in the California desert traps a cop under a car in a inescapable shed on Thanksgivin’, but while his predicament develops into delusional daddy issues right out of a soap opera, poisonous creepy crawlies are climbin’ up from underground to have him fer lunch. More family drama than monster movie, I appreciate the filmmakers doin’ their best to keep things interestin’ on an emotional level, but I really think more time should have been spent on fightin’ the hand puppet creatures and comin’ up with better reasons than a jammed door to keep this yahoo from runnin’ fer safety once he’s out from under the car. And what the hell with that open’ nightmare of the cop bein’ attacked by the creatures when he didn’t know they existed yet? Was that a recycled deleted scene or somethin’?! Dead puppers, crushed “uncles,” pulsatin’ bite wounds, growin’ discoveries, and bright light defenses! 3/5!
THEY LIVE INSIDE US (2020)
It’s a countdown to Halloween night as a screen writer hopes temporarily movin’ into a murder house will jar his writer’s block, but his brush with the supernatural’s just a buncha dull sounds and shadows that bury this flick’s head so far up it’s own psychological storytellin’ ass, I lose all interest in wastin’ any brain cells understandin’ who and what’s actually hauntin’ the house. Even worse, half the run time’s spent on a handful of throw away tales the writer halfheartedly starts, each featurin’ characters and scenarios I don’t give two shits ’bout, ’cause I know none of ’em have any skin in the game as sidebar works of fiction. Sure, they turn out to be subtle set-ups for one little reveal at the end, but it just ain’t a big ‘nough payoff. Save yer valuable time and skip this one. Killer clowns, scarecrows, street slashers, spooks in the window, missin’ daughters, drownin’s, ghost moms, and ‘lotta ‘lotta bullshit! 2/5!
THEY NEST aka CREEPY CRAWLERS (2000)
A recoverin’ alky surgeon’s forced to go on vacation, but his retreat to a small island community is anythin’ but relaxin’ as military engineered cockroaches of average size get loose and turn folks into walkin’ incubator meals. Very similar to The Nest but without all the cool effects and gore, this CGI pest fest’s entertainment value really comes from its city slicker lead’s humorous interaction with the quirky locals which keeps things fun and engagin’ between bug bites. Flyin’ cockroach swarms, soldiers gagged and tossed overboard, roaches fightin’ out folk’s mouths, belly bustin’ bugs, barns full of bugs, chicken dinners overrun with bugs, yokels hit by cars, and ballpoint pens shoved in young’ns throats! 3/5!
THEY REACH (2020)
Set in the late ’70s, a teenage bookworm accidentally releases a demon trapped in a junked audio recorder, and she’s gotta recapture the hellion ‘fore it massacres everyone she knows. A charmin’ indie flick with genuine small town flavor, this nicely dressed period piece looks fantastic and does a great job castin’ memorable characters in its roles, but kinda falls flat in its story’s build-up. It’s obvious alotta thought went into the risin’ action, the character’s backstories, and the demon’s exposition, but it’s all lackin’ that unique X factor that effortlessly propels the movie forward to a satisfyin’ conclusion. It also mighta helped if the demon had more of a physical presence for me to feel the weight of the danger more. Bicyclin’ teens, pizza faces, cursed visions, monstrous mommies, potato powered weapons ‘gainst monsters, occultist hippie librarians, corn dog chowin’, cursed symbols, nasty lookin’ Brillo pad mustaches, goofy law officials, flesh carvin’, bloody explosions, CGI portals to hell, exorcisms, and mulligan endin’s! 3/5!
THEY’RE INSIDE (2019)
An indie film production wins a remote cabin to shoot their dream project in, but it’s all a trick by some psycho lovers secretly recordin’ ’em as the stars of their own personal snuff film. Full honesty, I mighta been a little distracted when watchin’ this, but the characters and tension fall pretty flat for me, Scream Freaks. No one seems relatable ‘nough to give a shit when they get their face disfigured, the killers exhibit alotta power over a house full of folks despite not doin’ a lot, and I got a little mixed-up regardin’ everyone’s relationship to one ‘nother. Only sweet parts worth mentionin’ is the clever little twist at the end that’s kinda unexpected, and the slasher guy’s line deliveries. Bad touch drama, head bashin’, stabbin’ galore, axes to the chest and face, full frontal dong, bullets to the head, regressed mental states, masked maniacs, bear traps, folks eatin’ dog food, secret cameras, and kidnappin’! 2/5!
THEY’RE WATCHING (2016)
A likeable film crew for a home improvement reality show visits the country of Moldova and get caught in the middle of a town’s fight with a reincarnated witch. An entertaining film that’s like most others in the found-footage genre, this really doesn’t make you sit up until the last act with the creepy townfolk assaulting the witch’s home, resulting in special effects chaos! Funeral no-no’s, cat fights, magic frogs, rabid dogs put down, drinking games, eye gouging, fortune telling murals, corpse soup, lightning combat, axes to the face, fires and pitchforks, and airborne witches. 3/5!
THE THING BELOW aka SEA GHOST (2004)
Scientists on an ocean platform are attacked by a bunch of cartoon tentacles they discover while drillin’ to the Earth’s core, and their head honchos rush in a team of comic bookish mercs to nab the threat. This is a remarkable trainwreck ya gotta see to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! Mainly for the horribly CG animated monster that exists on an entirely different plane from the rest of the movie. Biggest head scratcher, though, is why it wastes so much time lurin’ victims in with lurid fantasies (like entertainin’ one merc with an entire strip tease as his favorite skin mag model) when it could just simply sneak up on folks for a quick kill. One silly plus for the movie is its heroes resemblin’ G.I.Joe knock-offs. Eastwood roleplay, fantasy strip teases with boobs, macho-chicks, cowboy wannabes, salty sailors, explosions, CG deep throatin’, quick draws, dimensional doorways, tentacle wrapped heads, lab massacres, and impersonatin’ lifeforms! 3/5!
THIS HOUSE POSSESSED (1981)
After a tone-deaf singer lands in the hospital from stress, he convinces his nurse to stay with him at some fancy digs she totally forgot was her childhood home that magically came alive and killed her whole family for tryin’ to leave. Nope, that’s not even an exaggeration, Scream Freaks! This made for TV movie is just that weird with a story full of way too many coincidences, and a sentient house that makes as much sense bein’ alive as Herbie the Love Bug does! Awful rocker wannabe concerts, livin’ cables and hoses, insta-freeze AC units, home infernos, ominous TV screens, attempted makeouts, car crushin’ gates, boilin’ swimmin’ pools, homeless cart ladies with all the answers, and explodin’ vehicles! 2/5!
TIME BARBARIANS (1990)
Great idea, shitty story. A muscle beach barbarian’s tribe of women are slaughtered by a handful of marauders, and he hunts their killers through time and space thanks to a magical crystal that zaps them to Los Angeles circa 1990. Lots of missed opportunity in this swords and sorcerers flick. You question the title when there’s no time travelin’ ’til the last 3rd of the film, the excruciatingly slow pace kills any excitement you can stir up with barbarian swordplay, and all the fun of a magical barbarian thrown into modern times is non-existent with him spendin’ most the time in a reporter’s bed before the bad guys rush to throw themselves on his sword to complete his revenge before the credits roll. Severed limbs, hand accessories, sorceresses, throat slittin’, time travelin’, barbarian mugging’s, bathin’ boobs in the river, magical swords, rooftop brawls, lovesick sidekicks, and protective crystals! 2/5!
TIME WALKER (1982)
A mummified alien covered in deadly green fungus is awaken with an overdose of x-rays and hunts down college students who unknowingly stole his space crystals for tacky jewelry. A descent flick that keeps good pace with an entertaining enough story, I would like to have seen more gore and scarier cinematography. Egyptian stock footage, deadly molds, slow motion bitch slaps, alien radio blueprints, stalkers capturing their prey with engagement rings for giants, fatal freefalls, x-ray accidents, E.T. phones home, and amputations. 3/5!
TIMESLINGERS aka ALIENS IN THE WILD, WILD WEST (1999)
In this kid friendly flick from Full Moon, a brother and sister are accidentally timewarped to the old west and help an orphaned E.T. wookie save its U.F.O. mama from greedy townsfolk sellin’ her into the sideshow business. The sets, wardrobe, and score are great, the space props ain’t embarrassin’, and the aliens are similar to favorite mainstream space critters but incredibly well done none the less. The movie’s got that dumbed down delivery for young’ns not everyone can tolerate, but I personally can’t stand the VJ wannabe brother who’s performance comes off more smarmy than charmin’. Time machines, troubled youth, spaceships, family roadtrips, crooked sheriffs, young’ns with guns, potato peelin’ at gunpoint, E.T. jailbreaks, U.F.Ho-downs, and sulfur huffers! 3/5!
TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)
Some guys sneak into a sorority house to jingle some babes’ bells over Christmas break, but eventually figure out a lunatic in a Santa suit is out to punish them for a girl’s death during a hazing prank 2 years earlier. To sum this up on the back of a VHS box, this is essentially Friday the 13th meets Christmas, but without the same tension, pacing, or escalation so expertly executed by Sean Cunningham. Boring characters, a so-so killer, and I hate how the story didn’t stay within one night. Games of hide and seek the body, fatal freefalls, mental breakdown dancin’, cups of roofy milk, throat slitting, virgin bangin’, stabbings, armor ambush, crossbows, decapitations, heads hung in the shower, propeller deaths, and strangulations! 2/5!
TO DIE FOR (1988)
In this modern revamp of the ‘ol Dracula story, Vlad the Impaler’s movin’ to the city of angels, and he’s hot to make the moves on his pretty realtor ‘fore a pissed off fanger from his past steals her from him. A well shot flick with some eye candy and a handful of special effects, this sucker has very few sours, but they deliver some deadly blows. One is the lead actor playin’ Vlad. He makes for a convincin’ romancer all night long, but when it comes to playin’ it mean, he’s got ’bout as much grit as a puppy in a bed of posies. The other sour is the mishandlin’ of Amanda Wyss’s character who no one seems to give a shit ’bout no matter how weird and different she’s actin’. Neck drinkin’ in the parkin’ lot, booze cruise smoochin’, decapitations, ashes to ashes stakin’, fanger faces, bloodsuckin’ transformations, long lost loves, vampire on vampire violence, vamps impaled on bed posts, telekinesis, books with all the answers out in the open, and sunrise demises! 2/5!
TOKOLOSHE: AN AFRICAN CURSE (2020)
In this African version of The Shining, a woman confronts her childhood trauma and revisits the cursed hotel that ruined her family. I don’t normally review a flick I didn’t watch from beginnin’ to end, but I had to call it quits ’bout halfway through when it was painfully obvious this is nothin’ more than a poorly edited mess of spooky snippets that’d be better served as visual fodder for some horror band’s music video. It’s got ’bout one or two decent actors, and some respectable camerawork, but that’s pretty much it. Just skip it. Hoodoo dolls, ghost bartenders, unhinged writers, little girls on even smaller you bikes, spooky twins, creepy dolls, cursed lands, and supernatural messages! 2/5!
THE TOLL (2020)
A socially awkward driver takes a cautious passenger down a remote road in the middle of the night and ends up in some supernatural plane where a peripheral soul collector called the Toll Man manipulates ’em with mind games to kill each other. A great premise for a 22 minute episode of some creepy anthology series, but without a whole lot else goin’ on, this sucker fails at keepin’ me engaged to the end credits. Pretty disappointin’ given this flick’s production value from its compellin’ cast to its thoughtful set lightin’, but the title booga boo just ain’t front and center ‘nough to generate any kinda grippin’ danger for me to invest in. Endless loopin’ roads, breakdowns, bow and arrow defenses, window smashin’ letters, supernatural illusions, disappearin’ photos, bag masks galore, and heavy machinery ridin’ night owls with all the answers! 3/5!
THE TOMORROW WAR (2021)
When mankind’s ’bout to go the way of the dodo courtesy of a nasty e.t. invasion, soldiers timewarp to the past and kick-start a world wide draft that forces Chris Pratt to the future long ‘nough to make a difference, so long as he can wrap his noodle ’round fourth dimensional thinkin’ and alternate timelines. A different kinda spin on the apocalyptic movie that’s fresh and interestin’, this longwinded epic packs engagin’ ‘nough characters fightin’ their way through an impressively crafted world with special effects out the ass, but the real takeaway are the mean lookin’ space critters that’re are some of the most impressive lookin’ movie monsters I’ve seen in a long time. While this sucker starts off on a sweet note, however, its second half devolves into ridiculous physics defyin’ CGI battles, and me cursin’ at how long it takes Chris to understand he doesn’t have to go back to the future to save it from the past. Rapture lookin’ time travel, arm taggin’, daddy issues, e.t. fist fightin’ in the snow, explosions, oil platform massacres, e.t. poisonin’, nest invadin’, e.t. mama huntin’, spaceship infiltratin’, lazy boot camps, fatal freefalls, extreme pool divin’, human meals galore, e.t. gore galore, cryostasis, sawed e.t.s, flyin’ e.t. battles, and volcano nerds! 4/5!
TOOLBOX MURDERS 2 aka COFFIN BABY (2013)
In this gore over substance shamble of a slasher, a young woman is kidnapped by a disfigured cannibal and imprisoned in his underground dungeon to witness brutal acts of special effects gore ’til ghosts of his victims finally hand her a cell phone to call the cops. One of the most ridiculous flicks I’ve ever seen, not only does the paper thin plot play out like a special effects demo-reel, the last girl’s actin’ is all over the damn place. As if her three week stint in the killer’s hellhole was edited out of order, she bounces back and forth ‘tween ass-kickin’ survivor to a child-like simpleton every scene, and none of it’s ever convincin’, ’cause her hair and make-up’s always perfect no matter how awful things get. The biggest questions I have for the filmmakers, however, is why they have the killer force the girl to watch this movie’s openin’ credits, and when she pulls a switcharoo with a corpse to cover her escape, why is she so dumb, she chops the wrong hand off the body?! Folks table sawed in half, BBQ corpses, flesh eatin’, cockroach eatin’, vomittin’, crucified corpses, mutilated bodies galore, fatal freefalls, fried flesh snacks, severed hands, decorative scarrin’, facial nit-pickin’, leg carvin’, unbelievably awkward lookin’ fight sequences, ghost march, overactin’ cops, blowtorched stumps, and disembowelin’! 2/5!
TOOTH FAIRY (2019)
While this flick is heavy on family farm melodrama, it does offer some laughable scenes of estranged kin fightin’ a murderous, shape-shiftin’ tooth fairy who escapes their shoddy barn trap to throw money at the locals for their pearly whites while yankin’ ’em in pretty non-supernatural ways. If this movie seems familiar when ya watch it, it’s ’cause it’s by the same filmmakers behind Bride of Scarecrow which used the same farm and actors. But this time we get a ridiculous lookin’ tooth fairy ‘stead of a half-assed hay man, who moves and kills like a run of the mill slasher despite havin’ so many intimidatin’ powers. Still mildly entertainin’, but like the tooth fairy’s aversion to sugar, I just don’t get it. Shape-shiftin’ trickery, teeth hammerin’, candy cane decors, sugar barriers, sunlit downfalls, hanky panky in the kitchen, comedic old-man make-up, poor mama-daughter castin’, and mind controlled young’ns! 2/5!
TOOTH FAIRY 2: THE ROOT OF EVIL (2020)
15 years later, the survivin’ young’n from the first flick’s all grown up and continues to be taunted by Party City’s version of the demonic Tooth Fairy who’s finally unleashed to yank more folks’ chompers after a reunion ‘mong friends turns into a half cooked revenge plot with demon summonin’. A touch better than the first Tooth Fairy, I like this sequel’s story well enough, but hang my head at just how un-supernatural this teleportin’ copycat still is with her resortin’ to a lot of slasher tactics for killin’. Besides that and thinkin’ 15 years is a little too far in the future for the story bein’ told, I had a real problem with this sucker continuously losin’ momentum with its constant transition from day to night ‘stead of everythin’ happenin’ in one horror filled day. At least the filmmakers got creative for the endin’! Backseat stranglin’ with floss, CGI black eyes, demon callin’ party tricks, kidnappin’, teeth yankin’ galore, pearly white offerings, costumed killer pranks, cornfield visions, nods to Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, and demon on demon action! 3/5!
TOOTH FAIRY 3: THE LAST EXTRACTION (2021)
Well, if there was ever a question the Tooth Fairy filmmakers were copyin’ Tommy Jarvis’s character arch from Friday the 13th parts 4-6, this installment synchs it. Decades after the first sequel’s endin’ teased its hero would ‘come the Tooth Fairy’s protégé of tooth yankin’ death, he’s now a single milk toast dad strugglin’ with his traumatic past while doin’ his darndest to keep boys outta his teenage daughter’s pants on a senior trip. The need to keep his little girl a virgin becomes the least of his worries, however, when she and her friends summon the demonic tooth fairy for shits and giggles and unknowingly start the vicious cycle all over ‘gain. I can appreciate the filmmakers’ accomplishment for pumpin’ out three of these cheap scares and managin’ to snag worldwide distribution deals for each, but it’s sad how the quality never improves. Each flick feels like the same rinse repeat script someone slapped together to shoot over a weekend with special effects supplied by Party City. Not terrible, mind ya, but the filmmakers could stand to try a little harder. Offscreen grindin’, force feedin’, shapeshiftin’, teeth yankin’ with pliers, hobo markets, blindfold taste testin’, demon summonin’, and the Tooth Fairy in a new Halloween mask! 3/5!
TORMENTED aka BERKSHIRE COUNTY (2014)
After a high school gal’s cyber bullied for givin’ blow jobs as Red Ridin’ Hood, her Halloween takes an even worse turn when three pig masked killers make her earn her babysittin’ money the hard way with a night of Tom and Jerry runarounds and kidnappin’s. Effectively creepy moments, sharp camera work, and solid actin’, this horror’s better than most home invasion flicks, and that’s thanks to a steady escalation of surprisin’ reveals that successfully keeps you wantin’ to know more ’bout the killers. Stabbin’s, young’n on young’n violence, cosplay blowjobs off screen, babes in the shower with no boobs, throat slittin’, meat wagon kidnappin’s, switcheroos, hospital massacres, cop killin’s, car wrecks, 911 psyche outs, and trick or treaters! 4/5!
TORN HEARTS (2022)
Two hungry country singers callin’ themselves Torn Hearts think they’re one diddy away from stardom if they can convince the remainin’ star of their favorite sister act to come outta retirement and sing a tune with ’em but quickly regret this genius plan as their hard drinkin’ recluse of a hero proves she ain’t playin’ with a full deck on account of her siblin’s suspicious demise. Well acted and shot, this flick watches like a longwinded Tales From the Crypt episode but not quite as fun. The story hooks me with all its thoughtful dynamics as the demented country legend projects her twisted sense of companionship and atonement on Torn Hearts, slowly unravelin’ their quiet drama to the point of ’em throwin’ down like dirty fightin’ alley cats, but the tension feels stuck in second gear most the time ‘stead of givin’ me more dramatic peaks and valleys to keep things interestin’. Tap tap tappin’ GALORE, shotgun firin’ runarounds, liquor guzzlin’, fucked up mind games, pickled body part shrines, severed finger escapes, shotguns to the back, bullets to the chest, neck stabbin’s, and a terrific performance by Katey Sagal as the psycho country star! 3/5!
TOTEM (1999)
Six teens are magically drawn to a mysterious cabin where they’re forced to complete an ancient ritual for unleashing three totem creatures prophesized to bring an age of fire and blood upon the world. First off, this has NO relation to the totems seen in the Puppet Master movies! With that said, this is a genuinely interesting story, but it doesn’t feel like it really has a beginning. There’s not a main character you can easily stick with for experiencing the movie, the camera’s sea sick the whole time, and the ensemble of characters lack chemistry. I also think the monsters in this should have been full scale beasts instead of tiny terrors with about as much movement as a Mexican action figure. Still a good story though! 3/5!
THE TOWER (1993)
A starvin’ musician gives corporate life a chance as the newest desk jockey in an AI ran skyscraper, but after his bumblin’ racks up one too many security risks, the super sensitive system targets him for literal termination. Starrin’ Paul Reiser as the unexpected action star comically runnin’ and jumpin’ from one blue screen death scenario to ‘nother, this TV flick is a decent watch with some genuine energy behind its production. It has as much plot as young’ns fiddle fartin’ ’round a playground, the emotional depth of an early MTV music video, and no satisfyin’ explanation fer why the AI’s built to actually kill things (just what the hell is it protectin’ and from what exactly?), but it keeps a fast pace with a modest body count. Explodin’ saunas, deep freezin’ temperatures, bowlin’ fer exits, suck and blow ventilation traps, crushin’ elevator doors, window washin’ gondola rides, window smashin’ galore, fires, elevator shaft hoppin’, and computer hackin’! 3/5!
THE TOYBOX (2018)
Clueless ramblers take a family vacation in a haunted RV and end up stranded in the desert with the ghost of a fugly serial killer pickin’ them off one by one. This horror flick looks sharp and has some decent actin’, but the lack of communication among the family regardin’ all the weird stuff happenin’ is ridiculous, and there’s a lot of unconvincin’ reactions to some pretty grim moments like Denise Richards cryin’ over her young’n bein’ backed over without even attemptin’ to drag her out from under the RV. Flashback TV, hair clogged drains, fridges full of rotten food, cut-up arms, roadkill young’ns, scalped women, supernatural kidnappin’s, strangulation, strung up ladies, bullet eatin’ suicides, hard stop knives to the throat, human and RV possessions, bullets to the back, neck breakin’, firin’ squad deaths, and a family dog who simply vanishes without any animal violence! 3/5!
TOYS OF TERROR (2020)
In this Syfy original, a step family thinks a remote murder house the parents are flippin’ makes for the perfect holiday getaway, but it ain’t the Christmas spirit they find when the young’ns open a toy chest full of killer stop-motion toys from the Reagan era. A decent concept for a TV flick that’s well shot with respectable ‘nough actors fightin’ with a surprisin’ ‘mount of ol’ school lookin’ Puppet Master kinda effects, the only sour draggin’ this sucker down is its lack of story details regardin’ where the toys come from and what their drivin’ purpose is. Without these pertinent details for context, I’m basically watchin’ useless hunks of plastic be thrown at the family with little to no escalation to keep me carin’ what happens next. Impalement, rickety floor boards, evil monkeys, suffocatin’ stuffed animals, bare bones backstory, retro video games that either mirror or control reality, chokin’ on spider topped popcorn, car wrecks, ghost young’ns, flyin’ toy dragons, and ghost nannies! 3/5!
TRACE (2015)
An audiophile pulls out electronic voice phenomenon as a party trick with his friends and gives a white noise demon full permission to kill ’em all after simply speakin’ his name. A decent idea for a supernatural horror with some pretty loose rules, the camerawork ain’t the liveliest and the cast is mediocre at best, but where this sucker really sours is its failure to gel its main story with some online spook chaser and Russian eggheads slammin’ pencils in their earholes. And while it eventually serves the twist endin’, I was kinda annoyed at how the ESP enthusiast of the group was anythin’ but interested in validatin’ his favorite past time. Secret Russian labs, haunted noises, influenced suicides galore, bashed heads, wrist slittin’, bullets in the gut, rooftop funeral gatherin’s, longwinded explanations of evil, CGI booga boos, double penetrated brain baskets, paranormal hit list, and frantic web shows! 3/5!
TRAIN (2008)
An American wrasslin’ team boards the wrong train to their next European match and ends up trapped by organ stealin’ killers conductin’ black market surgeries for the desperate upper class. Torture porn on a train, this is a well-made flick with all the bells and whistles of a borderline Green Inferno kinda experience with distinct characters swallowed up by an all encompassin’ horror, but the medical stuff doesn’t always make sense, and folks turn nearly superhuman in the last reel. Biggest sour is none of the victims use their wrasslin’ moves in self-defense save the last girl breakin’ out one winnin’ maneuver at the last minute of the movie. Rave club brawls, Olympic style wrasslin’, needles to the neck, seductive doctors, live disembowelin’, dick hackin’, homo rape, golden showers, clubbed noggins, eye-swappin’ surgeries, corpse skinnin’, human matchsticks, fatal freefalls, head smashin’, face burnin’, axes to the head, surgical cults, hooks to the face, organ donors in cages, jockstrap dares, and impalin’! 4/5!
TRAIN TO BUSAN (2016)
In this South Korean disaster flick, someone decided they wanted to see World War Z on a train full of family drama as a workaholic father fights the spastic undead and asshole passengers to ensure his little girl makes it to Busan, the last remainin’ safe zone durin’ a zombie outbreak. This flick takes a note from The Walking Dead and puts the focus on the characters rather than any special effects gore (worst you’ll see are hand bites), givin’ us a harder hit to our emotions ‘stead of our guts. While the zombies are nothin’ groundbreakin’, they do have a different gimmick with bein’ completely blind in the dark and relyin’ on sound to kill anythin’ still alive at these points. Terminal massacres, train car massacres, restroom hidey holes, instant zombie transformations, hysterical passengers, zombie roadkill, runaway trains on fire, baseball bats vs zombies, zombie chains, snipers, explosions, and stowaways! 4/5
TRANCERS (1984)
A sci-fi doesn’t get more convoluted than troopers from the future genetically time travelin’ to Christmas 1985 to whoop up on a fugitive psychic capable of turnin’ folk into obedient zombies called trancers. Armed with hair gel and a watch that slows time, Jack Deth’s consciousness is dumped into his identical ancestor’s body then races to rescue future leaders’ 20th century family members before they’re assassinated and change the future. The story has some plot holes and might be over the average viewers’ head, but this flick’s easily entertainin’ with Tim Thomerson’s tough guy act combined with rabid Santas and Helen Hunt. Over the top moped chases, explodin’ bodies, time travel, older men in little girls’ bodies, mad Santas, diner chaos, lasers pistols, divin’ for the lost city of L.A., bum baseball, disintegratin’ corpses, duper watches, tan traps, mad cops, and dry hair’s for squids! 3/5!
TRANCERS 2: THE RETURN OF JACK DETH (1991)
Much to everyone’s surprise, the evil zombie makin’ psychic from the last movie has a time jumpin’ brother startin’ his own trancer farm in 1991, and Jack Deth is back on the job! As if the last movie wasn’t complicated enough, this sequel introduces time vessels that only move backward, polygamist love triangles with Jack’s trancer huntin’ wife back from the dead, and sinister plots involvin’ asylums bein’ turned into zombie cult farms! Regardless of all that, this is still a fun flick that catches up with several returnin’ characters with a genuine chemistry I enjoy watchin’. Almost all of Jack’s lines are t-shirt quotes, the cinematography looks more epic, and the castin’ is praise worthy. Only real complaint is all the close-ups of people talkin’ directly at the camera when havin’ conversations with others. Mad gardeners, fire truck collections, classic Corvettes, broken time vessels, older men in teenage girls, calcified corpses, assaults with plants, forklift fightin’, sister wives, asylum escape plans, villainous infomercials, pitchfork impalements, Jeffrey Combs as a right hand man, sizzlin’ interviews with Barbara Crampton, and we learn cold hot dogs make the best bum bait! 3/5!
TRANCERS 3: DETH LIVES! (1992)
Future powers sling Jack Deth through the timeline again and spit him out in 2005 to stop some orgasmic trancer experiments conducted by a government doctor with a fetish for bein’ called mother. This is the simplest Trancer story yet with basic time machines, and trancers are nothin’ more complicated than super soldiers who can go into ‘roid rages at the flip of a switch. Only complaint I got is not seein’ enough of Jack’s new partner Shark, a kick-ass lookin’ cyborg from the future. Bar brawl executions, a blip of Christmas, uncomfortable sex scenes with the bad guy wantin’ to be called mama and daddy, cyborg shoot-outs, impalements, stabbin’s, neck breakin’, gunshots to the head and gut, throat rippin’, rebel camps, and secret underground labs! 3/5!
T
RANCERS 4: JACK OF SWORDS (1994)
Jack Deth’s given his next trancer assignment, but a glitch with his time machine strands him in alternate medieval dimension full of magic and rebels figthin’ a royal empire of vampire trancers. A straightfoward plot that ain’t bogged down in a lot of sci-fi bullshit, this is like Full Moon’s version of Army of Darkness with Deth as the wise crackin’ blow-hard from the future rattlin’ some primitive culture. The Trancer series starts to fall into the trappin’s of a sequel with it parodyin’ itself with this entry, but it’s a welcome change up that makes it more enjoyable to watch with everyone lookin’ like they’re just havin’ fun makin’ a movie. Helps overlook some flat actin’, lackluster sound effects, and the fact the filmmakers don’t even bother bringin’ Shark back except for a piece of scrap from an unseen fight. Mood color deaths, father-son drama, secret passageways, rebel scum, wizards in the sky, fortune tellin’ art, bar brawl, alien stowaways, time machine crashes, android head lamps, puny pew pew lasers, castles, sword fightin’, slave girl boobs, and the funniest scene is Deth fightin’ in slow motion thanks to his malfunctioning watch! 3/5!
TRANCERS 5: SUDDEN DETH (1994)
Still stuck in an alternate medieval dimension where vampire trancers are in power, Deth’s only hope to return home is a reality bendin’ tiamond hidden deep in the infamous Castle of Unrelentin’ Terror. Lucky for Deth, unrelentin’ terror comes in the form of fake orgies, zombies playin’ Jack Says, and trancer dopplegangers who put up as much of a fight as classic NES bosses. Regardless, the movie continues the fun attitude from the last flick with humorous character interactions and plenty of new t-shirt quotes from Deth. Only thing I gotta criticize this flick for is how it manages to film one of the most awkward happy endin’s I’ve ever seen captured on celluloid. Allies with benefits, possessions, well read resurrections, impalements, no boobs, monster arm props, chest rippin’, swordplay, castle invasions, fortune tellin’ art, lasers, interdimensional travel, and the greatest prop to ever be used for a weapon, an everyday butterfly knife that can cut through anything . . . offscreen of course! 3/5!
TRANCERS 6 (2015)
Jack Deth returns to his trancer huntin’ beat and is time spun down his bloodline into the body of his 21st century daughter, Jo Deth. A compound of runaways has a trancer makin’ meteorite, and Jack’s gotta protect his daughter while shuttin’ down their operation or risk a time paradox with his future erased. Luckily this is a Trancers sequel, so you’re already prompted to give a shit with the flick’s impressive idea for continuing the series along with its constant reminders of Tim Thomerson’s memorable performance. Otherwise, this is just an okay film with nuggets of impressive effects and lots of soulless actin’ that makes Siri on your phone sound like an Oscar contender. Aliens in disguise, lasers to the eyes, mutant science experiments, eye gougin’, heads blown off, mouth foam, shoot ’em ups, explosive meteors, watches that slow time, hot dogs are gateways to cult lifestyles, arms ripped off, vanishin’ vans, time ripples, hookers’ revenge, overkill executions, and Tim Thomerson is replaced with greatest hit clips and body doubles. 3/5!
TRANCERS: CITY OF LOST ANGELS (1988/2013)
Jack Deth is still enjoyin’ his new life in the 1980s when one of his enemies from the future escapes custody and time travels Jack’s way for revenge. A short film, this was part of the Pulse Pounders anthology that was planned for release in the ’80s but didn’t see the light of day ’til decades later. As the first true sequel to the original Trancers film, it’s well worth a watch as a film that successfully mixes up every kind of genre like action, drama, sci-fi, film noir, and even prison flicks. Time assassins, genetic time travel, prison breaks, grown men in young girls, fatal freefalls, drinkin’ minors, wet dames, and no trancers! 4/5!
TRANSYLVANIA TWIST (1989)
An ol’ coot of a librarian tasks his nephew with retrievin’ an overdue book of evil from a castle in Transylvania, and with the help of a music video rocker, he’s gotta outwit a nest of vampires ‘fore they use the cursed text to summon a recycled rubber monster to rule the world. An admirable horror comedy produced by Roger Corman that can’t quite land the laughs as well as other similar side splitters like Return of the Killer Tomatoes, this poke at horror old and new (fer it’s time mind ya) unfortunately drags more than it entertains. Despite a handful of lukewarm scenes overstayin’ their welcome and a scatterbrained plot, there are some genuine laughs ‘long the way like the fourth wall breakin’ library scene and plenty of familiar faces from horror to keep me watchin’ like Angus Scrimm and Monique Gabrielle to Zontar (It Conquered the World) brought outta retirement to play the big bad beast in the final reel. Seances with Elvis, Freddy Krueger parodies, Jason Voorhees parodies, Leatherface parodies, Pinhead parodies, Tall Man parodies, Exorcist parodies, goo vomitin’, time fillin’ sing songs, explosive music videos, New York cabbies, supernatural possessin’, premature burials, rubber bats, funerals galore, rent-a-weepers, taverns full of angry villager stereotypes, neck bitin’, bloodsuckin’ transformations, blood sprays galore, stakin’, vampire rock shows, end of the world rituals, and recycled footage of Boris Karloff from The Terror! 2/5!
TRAPPED ALIVE aka TRAPPED (1988)
2/3 semi-erotic crime thriller and 1/3 cannibal horror, this flick is an hour of a horny cop tryin’ to find a couple of gals who’ve been kidnapped to an abandoned mine by some scumbag fugitives, then everythin’ takes a turn for laughable horror when a underdwellin’ cannibal freak turns the caves into a giant claw machine game for slowly snatchin’ folks up for a grisly meal. This flick’s got ’80s eye-candy, actors I can tell are takin’ their roles seriously, and a respectable production value, but it really drags its feet to get to the horror, remindin’ me of the sudden genre shift in From Dusk Till Dawn. Nice make-up effects, though. Private cave dances with boobs, attempted rape, cheatin’ psycho-wives, direct calls to the underworld, full cut Maidenform ladies, head impalement, cave swimmin’, car wrecks, face slappin’, fireplace bangin’ with boobs, disembowelment, giant claws, disfigured faces, explosions, and one of the silliest long winded monologues ever committed to celluloid! 2/5!
TREEHOUSE (2019)
A celebrity chef’s R & R at his remote family estate is turned into a shame game when he’s taken hostage by a witch’s coven who blames him for her sister’s suicide after he supposedly raped her in a treehouse forever ago. This Hulu flick starts off a little rocky with me strugglin’ to catch up with what’s exactly bein’ set in motion to progress the plot, but the movie eventually finds its rhythm and delivers a consistently tense story that keeps me guessin’ what to believe or not to the disappointin’ Scooy-Doo endin’ that reminds me of a Tales From the Crypt episode. Explodin’ windows, drugged party drinks, men dog collared to beds, paralysis, unsettlin’ suicide picnic paintin’s, crone maids, witchy cosplay, trippy visions, castration threats, booga booga stick idols, role playin’, and mind fuckin’! 3/5!
TREMORS: COLD DAY IN HELL (2018)
Global warmin’ is meltin’ prehistoric graboids out of the artic ice, and Burt Gummer flies in with the big guns and his son to rescue a research facility while battlin’ a deadly graboid virus he picked up from the third flick. I can’t put my finger on it, but for all its sweets, somethin’ ’bout this flick doesn’t quite gel for me. The actin’ is entertainin’, the graboids look better than ever, the production value is nothin’ to scoff at, and there’s plenty of story with monster action and character drama, but it’s like the pacin’ and attitude toward the whole thing is too cartoony for its own good and undermines its value as a solid film with any legit tension found in the first 2-3 movies. Pissin’ distractions, new breed of ass blasters, explosions, graboid parasites, bloody eyes, electric defenses, bunch of crap blown sky high, graboid skin boots, gland extractions, and taxes! 4/5!
TRENCH 11 (2017)
As the first World War winds down, British soldiers explore a secret underground bunker behind enemy lines and end up trapped with Nazis protectin’ their experiments with livin’ spaghetti zombies. A solid flick through and through, this period piece delivers a sweet mix of convincin’ characters, cleverly staged sets, and impressive gore and effects. The only sour I’d knock it for is not makin’ the parasite infected soldiers a bigger threat than they are. Buried alive, detonations, infectious vomitin’, noodle crawlin’ autopsies, eye gougin’, impalement with test tubes, gunfire galore with plenty of folks shot to pieces, faces chewed off, broken legs, one dead dog in a pile of dead soldiers, extreme eye bulgin’, and mad Nazi scientists! 4/5!
TRESPASSERS (2019)
A circle jerk of friends enjoy a night at a remote Airbnb ’til a non-stop series of bad decisions bring ’em under attack by a gang of masked Mexicans lookin’ for an incrimidatin’ photo in the house. This flick annoys me to the Nth degree with how many stupid decisions characters make while senselessly overlookin’ obvious things that would help their predicaments. Like who was Fairuza Balk to the killers? Why are the guests tryin’ to cover up them killin’ a stranger with a gun who wouldn’t leave the house? One of the guest was forward ‘nough to develop the home owner’s photo of the killers and left it out in the open, so where did it go when the home invaders turned the place upside down lookin’ for it? Why is the last girl hoofin’ it down a desert highway when she has four runnin’ cars available to her?! There’s tons more I could bitch ’bout, but there’s just too much to list. Stabbins’, eye gougin’, phone hogs, machetes to the head, chemical eye wash, bullets to the head, bullets to the elbow like it’s no big deal, strangulation, drownin’s, bullet firin’ with bolt cutters and a hammer, coke snortin’, wacky tobacky smokin’, bumpin’ in the hot tub without boobs, desert assassinations, kidnappin’s, dead baby drama, touchy affairs, and cryin’ durin’ sex! 2/5!
TRICK (2019)
If ya toss Halloween and Scream in a blender with a pinch of Saw, ya get this annual Halloween killer named Trick who silently taunts a disgraced FBI agent while butcherin’ random packs of people from town to town. This Halloween, however, he circles back to where his killin’ spree began and stalks survivors of his original massacre for some overdue revenge. As decent as this flick is, Trick is too distracted by its efforts to be a hot new franchise versus a scary movie, spendin’ half its time buildin’ the lore ‘hind its title character rather than finessin’ reasons horror fans would enjoy watchin’ him. I mean, for a guy named Trick, he sure just does a lot of repetitive stabbin’. Severed fingers, decapitated heads, near fatal freefallin’, fatal stair falls, stabbin’s galore, freezin’ swims, gravestones through windshields, Night of the Living Dead viewin’s, haunted mazes, spin the blade kissin’, slasher fan clubs, worker’s comp injuries, hacked TVs, doctor disguises, and overturned cripples! 3/5!
TRICK OR TREAT (1986)
A high school metal head accidentally summons the super charged ghost of his favorite rock warrior Sammi Curr to help him get even with his bullies, but all deals are off by Halloween night when innocent scares and pranks escalate to everyone in sight bein’ zapped to ashes by the musical menace. One of the better heavy metal themed horror flicks, this is a fun time with decent actors, impressive practical effects, and tolerable tunes. The only sours that bug me is how flat and tagged on the metal head’s potential girlfriend is written, and how underdeveloped Sammi’s motives are as an angry spirit with no real backstory to explain his explosive predicament. Fatal Halloween concerts, Halloween dances, explosions, stereo system violence, gooey ears, vacuumed corpses, hand painted lightenin’ effects out the ass, secret vinyl messages, bedroom aerobics, pool party pranks, school bully chases, demonic rape, supernatural undressin’, possessed cars, possessed shop classes, explodin’ heads, radio station smashin’, cursed cassettes, water weaknesses, toilet defenses, and quickie cameos by Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne! 4/5!
THE TRICK OR TREAT PICTURE SHOW (2019)
Three things sum up this feature-length montage to 20th century Halloween; Short films shot on obsolete tech, non-stop synth scores, and an ass-load of ol’ drive-in ads featurin’ patrons engorgin’ themselves on junk food. A drive-in themed anthology that’s edited more like a TV special, I appreciate the filmmakers’ proud approach to deliverin’ an authentic lookin’ grindhouse experience with everythin’ shot on vintage camera gear, but it’s all in vain ‘less there’s somethin’ worth showin’ me. Plot and character development refuse to co-exist in nearly every short, and every onscreen hottie with any hope of keepin’ me engaged is constantly obscured by stuff or too poorly framed to be enjoyed. That said, the surprisin’ hit ‘mong all the shorts are the party plannin’ segments instructin’ how to throw a Halloween hootenanny. They’re well shot and framed, display character, have an easy to follow beginnin’, middle, and end with foreshadowin’ for good measure, sound clear, and keep me in suspense for witty jokes after a couple of openin’ zingers! 1/5!
TRICK OR TREATS (1982)
A struggling actress earns some cash babysitting a prank obsessed young’n on Halloween night, and that’s . . . that’s pretty much it. Oh, wait. There’s a whole subplot involving the brat’s mom committing his dad so she could roll in the sheets with David Carradine, but this doesn’t payoff until the end when the dad escapes the loony bin looking for revenge, finding the babysitter to scare the last 15 minutes of the film when he returns home. A longwinded loony chase, phone calls with medieval knights, bad disguises, trick or treaters, childish pranks galore, and 1 hot blonde to help get you through this farce of a slasher film. 2/5!
TRIGGERED (2020)
It’s Saw meets Battle Royale as a pissed off science teacher tricks former students he blames for his late son’s death into wearin’ TNT rigged vests on different timers that’ll only deactivate when all but one of ’em are dead. Better than I expected, this is an explosive drama with legs that impressively manages to juggle alotta backstories and conflicts ‘mong characters without boggin’ the movie down in too many details. Aside from thinkin’ the players don’t try hard ‘nough to wiggle out of their deathtrap attire, the only other sour worth mentionin’ is how laughable it is some of the characters start talkin’ like TV super villains the more they embrace the game. Explosions, gassed campers, stabbin’s, head bashin’, gunshots to the head, murder cover-ups, leg stabbin’s, bullet to the head suicides, boobs in tents, hand smashin’, time stealin’, sudden death rounds, and cheatin’ drama! 4/5!
TRILOGY OF TERROR (1975)
This film is better known as Karen Black’s acting demo, ’cause she plays 4 different leading roles in this anthology of twist endings. First, Karen shows us she can play a meek teacher who turns the tables on a sexual predator blackmailing her with erotic date drug photospreads. Then she plays twin sisters feudin’ with voodoo hoodoo, followed by playin’ a normal gal defendin’ herself against a hyped up fetish doll she accidentally brings to life. The first tale feels incomplete like the middle part’s been axed, you can easily guess the twist ending for the sisters, and the killer tribal doll steals the whole movie as an unforgettably spastic ankle biter. 3/5!
TRILOQUIST (2008)
A catatonic basket case and his homicidal sister are takin’ their livin’ dummy on the road to be as big a ventriloquist act as their dead mama was, but their plans fer fame and fortune are seriously derailed by alotta nonsense murderin’ and tryin’ to have an incest baby to carry their family name. This sucker has so many sweet things goin’ fer it from the cinematography to its core of an idea fer a killer dummy flick, it’s unfortunate how it just watches like the filmmakers made this shit up by the seat of their pants ‘fore desperately cobblin’ it together into any kinda coherent feature possibly inspired by the visual flair of Natural Born Killers. The one unforgettable thang this disasterpiece does offer, however, is a scene where the dummy bites a fella’s dick off after givin’ the clueless sap a blowjob. Ya won’t find Chucky or Annabelle doin’ that in one of their movies! Heroin overdoses, car jackin’, carcass puppeteerin’, severed fingers, Halloween massacres, kidnappin’, random bar dancin’ with shotguns, loony bin escapes, throat rippin’, flyin’ dummies, offscreen incest, fatal births, puppet babies, sicko snapshots, shoot ’em up stick-ups, molestin’, attempted rape, electrified deaths, and stripper auditions with boobs! 2/5!
TROPHY HEADS (2014)
A fan of yesteryear’s Scream Queens takes his love too far when he starts abducting horror’s favorite vixens and kills them while recreating scenes from their popular films. I didn’t know what to expect from this film, but it’s a slam-dunk! It’s a unique story, has such an iconic scene with the killer mounting the girl’s heads, the Scream Queens are better than ever as fictional versions of themselves, and the killer’s acting is remarkable how it carries a scene. Arrows to the back, cattle prods, decapitations, fatal cosplay, hurlin’ bowling balls, super-glued fangs, Stuart Gordon cameos, sinister auditions, boobs in cages, melted faces, and nuts! 5/5!
TRUTH OR DARE (2013)
A circle of daredevil friends produce a violent web series of twisted truth or dares that are secretly rigged until a psycho fan captures them to play the game for real. Unpredictable and unflinchin’, this one room wonder flick takes the audience on one fucked up journey of gore that’ll make even the most seasoned horrorhounds squirm in their seats. While there’s some substance to the tight cast that keeps the movie from bein’ a soulless exercise in blood soaked special effects, I think it can benefit way more from assignin’ a point of view to a character who can make us feel the terror more versus watchin’ it like outside observers. A remarkable achievement for Jessica Cameron who shows she’s got the chops for bein’ a double threat in the business as a uncompromisin’ director and scream queen for the 21st century. Gouged eyes, kid fiddlers, backroom surgeries, glass eatin’, gratuitous gunplay, stabbin’s, incest, nipple-onis, bottle masterbatin’, blood wings, disembowelin’, Russian roulette, shotguns to the face, Cryin’ Games, and pajama parties! 4/5!
TRUTH OR DARE (2017)
Without much explanation, a demon haunts a rental and ups a college party’s Halloween games to 11 with the life or death version of truth or dare they’re forced to play to the grisly end. For a Syfy flick, this really ain’t a bad TV horror with some creative camerawork, nicely done effects, and a solid cast fronted by Sharknado hottie, Cassandra Scerbo. Only sours I hate is the story carryin’ well after Halloween, the demon needin’ more of a presence, and the endin’ bein’ a little abrupt and confusin’. Grilled hands, smashed knees, hangin’s, crispy skin snacks, eyelash snippin’, hair clippin’s, severed fingers and toes, impalement, leg hackin’, ear slicin’, acid bucket challenges, fatal free falls, fat road kills, chasin’ cola chugs with acid, gunshots to the chest, car wrecks, supernatural calls comin’ from inside the house, haunted TVs, and Heather Langencamp makes a cameo as a burn victim! 3/5!
TRUTH OR DARE (2018)
A bunch of college yahoos party in Mexico and break a stinky jar with a demon inside named Calax who becomes obsessed with their game of truth or dare and raises the stakes with their lies and lives on the line. While this is a silly concept, Truth or Dare is actually a well made flick that keeps the energy up with well paced scares and developments, and believable explanations behind all its non-sense from how the game works to why Calax cares. However, I don’t think it’s very memorable save for the filmmakers havin’ the last girls’ do the unthinkable to save their asses in the end. Betty and Veronica love triangles, TV wolf boy fight, ballpoint pens to the eyes, broken necks, best friend bangin’ with no boobs, folks shot, Willem Dafoe grins, severed tongues, street justice, demonic possessions, drunken freefalls, throat slittin’, hammered hands, screamin’ confessions, demon possessed vids, viral video possessions, and human matchsticks! 3/5!
TSUNAMBEE (2015)
It’s the Biblical end, and a yellow lovin’ gang of urbanites flee L.A. to God’s country where they join rednecks to defend a farmhouse ‘gainst swarms of giant bees whose stingers can turn ’em into zombies. One of the worst killer bee flicks I’ve ever seen, the editin’ of this creature feature disasterpiece is all over the place with abrupt jumps ahead in time from moment to moment, the twist of a head scratchin’ endin’ doesn’t make a lick of sense, and there ain’t ‘nough bee action to boot. Might have been more entertainin’ if there’s was anyone worth rootin’ for, but the filmmakers put all their energy for character development into the uncharismatic leader of the city slickers with a tragic backstory I don’t think has a punchline! 2/5!
TUCKER & DALE VS EVIL (2010)
First impressions mean life or death when hillbilly buddies, Tucker and Dale, head to the mountains to fix-up their new vacation home, unaware a camp of scared college kids think they’re psycho killers who kidnapped their friend. A well-made comedy of fatal misunderstandin’s, this flick boasts loveable heroes, energetic camera work, modest gore, and hot gals. My only gripe is how the filmmakers set-up Tucker and Dale’s place as the previous home of a real homicidal hillbilly, but never develop that into the story as a threat the film’s survivors have to rally against. The irony of a psycho college yahoo doesn’t carry the same impact. Impalements, human matchsticks, damsels in distress, near fatal freefalls, ironic hillbilly twists, nails to the face, woodchipper deaths, and severed fingers! 4/5!
TURBO KID (2015)
It’s Rad meets the Road Warrior with heart! This love letter to 80’s nostalgia gives ya plenty of splatter and laughs and plays straight with convincing characters you can really invest in. Word to the uninformed, it helps to go into this knowing the kid lives in world of robots. 5/5!
THE TURNING (2020)
It’s the ’90s for no good reason, and a college gal with a loony bin mom to support takes a job homeschoolin’ some dead rich couple’s orphaned kids she eventually thinks are out to get her, possibly under the influence of a child molestin’ rapist’s ghost. This flick looks promisin’ with its polished camerawork and interestin’ lookin’ cast, but tarnations, the story sucks sooo bad. There’s no real tension, very little scares, the kids in Problem Child 2 and Mr. Nanny come off more threatenin’ than these feather weight yard monsters, and the whole ghost angle never comes together in any satisfyin’ way ‘fore the movie abruptly wraps up in one of the most vague endin’s I’ve seen since Mulholland Drive. Waste of time and film. Creepy mannequins, bodies in the pool pranks, maze mansions, bedtime creepers, accidental murders, nightmare psych-outs, whipped horses, koi stompin’, and filmmakin’ bullshit galore! 2/5!
TUSK (2014)
A smart-ass podcaster meets with an eccentric old man for his life story, but ends up roofied and surgically transformed into a walrus for the senior slasher to make amends with his dark past. Disturbin’, original, and dark, this film is right up there with Human Centipede, Audition, and Cannibal Holocaust. While tapping into the torture porn vein of horror, writer/director Kevin Smith gives it true depth with the killer’s motivation and the podcaster’s emotional and mental breakdown as he succumbs to the insanity that is this film. The endin’ is all I have to bitch about which makes no fuckin’ sense after the podcaster is rescued and had me screamin’ at the screen! Big gulps, Canadian she-clerks, walrus boners, flesh sewn walrus suits, walrus-men corpses, leg amputations, affairs, swimming lessons, tusk to tusk combat, aquatic dancing, fish diets, and Johnny Deep as his favorite goofball manhunter! 4/5!
TWISTED NIGHTMARE (1987)
A gang of friends reunite to party at a summer camp where one of the girl’s mentally handicap brother spontaneously combusted and disappeared 2 years earlier. Unknown to them, the brother survived and is possessed by the spirit of a Native American shaman who was murdered on the same grounds the camp was built on. Now, the possessed handicap stalks his old friends and slashes them down one by one. This ain’t the best summer camp horror out there, but there’s gory deaths, more than one scene with boobs, a coherent script, and decent actin’. We’ve seen worse! Hangin’s, arm rippin’, ice house traps, awkward topless massages, tighty whiteys, magical Native Americans, throat slittin’, bear traps, crossbows, faces shoved in hot coals, girls impaled on deer racks, impalements with pitch forks, explosions, human matchsticks! 3/5!
TWO FRONT TEETH (2006)
Someone’s leakin’ the North Pole’s secrets to the reporter of a tall tale tabloid, so Santa sends a kill squad of BDSM elves to take out everyone involved before Christmas is compromised. This flick is a rare example of Z grade entertainment at its best. and it’s criminal just how unknown it is among holiday horror fans. The actin’s anythin’ but borin’, the story’s fast paced with plenty of creative twists and turns, and there’s real effort put behind the lightin’ and camera work that keeps it fun throughout. An instant classic the first time ya see it! Decapitated choo-choos, gingerbread shaped trackers, DIY foot surgery, vampire tooth fairies, Santa impostors, Matrix-like duels, animated backstories, weaponized versions of Rudolph’s nose, fireball elf heads in sacks, cheatin’ ball buster wives, demonic snowman exorcisms, ninja nuns, stabbin’s, airborne roadkill, accidental killer young’ns, flashback poisonin’s, tooth yankin’ expositions, fists through guts, and Duke wannabes from Jason Goes to Hell! 4/5!
Screaming Soup! 