R – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

RAGDOLL (1999)

When a young rapper named Kwame refuses to let a crime boss be his gang’s agent, his voodoo granny pays the price with a severe beatin’ that pushes Kwame to invoke dark forces in the form of a killer ragdoll to exact revenge. Despite a couple of confusin’ moments I didn’t know  whether to laugh at or not, this is a solid Full Moon flick well worth checkin’ out! The actors never lost my interest as characters I can’t help but root for, and that’s thanks to a well developed script with a heavy focus on character development over silly doll murders. Stabbin’s, Shadowman dealin’s, life for life bargains, magical switcheroos, rap club scenes, deep fried facials, homo-cowboy thugs, face rippin’, spellcastin’, face bitin’, magic circles, deadly doll ambushes, doll sound effects that sound like dog growls crossed with Donald Duck, and an Oscar-worthy scene of a woman fighting a dress to the death! 5/5!  


When a disgraced wannabe rocker’s girlfriend gets pegged to sing at a cult’s nationally broadcast concert preachin’ the pros of one world order, it’s the spiritual brawl of the ’90s as holy rollers convince him these coalitionists are in cahoots with the devil himself, and he needs to rescue her from an unholy assassination that’s supposed to kick off doomsday somehow. Overall, this is a respectable flick with some decent actin’ and tunes that plays like a live action version of Rock n’ Rule, but nowhere near as cool. This flick drags its feet gettin’ the action underway, has too few demonic scenes reserved for the last half hour of its runtime, and a less than epic endin’ featurin’ a fight ‘tween an angel and demon that curiously replaces its awesomely costumed actors with silly CGI stunt doubles. Holy cross defenses, computer warped face demon young’ns, fatal stairfalls, dead grannies, drunk drivin’, baby carriage decoys, car wrecks, holy interventions, collect calls to hell, conspiracy theory assassinations, demonic electricity, killer fridges, spirit vision, and flyin’ shadow demons! 2/5!


In a post nuclear future, two wasteland armies wage war over gunpowder ‘stead of gasoline, and two comrades split up to rescue one of their abducted wives while the other hunts down a rumored potassium mine fer superior firepower. Pure non-stop shoot ’em up action, this flick has very little story or character beyond a buncha cardboard personalities runnin’ through yer typical damsel in distress video game plot of killin’ every bad guy on the way to a end game destination. It’s excitin’ stuff, sure, but without anyone fer me to care ’bout much less root fer, it’s just an hour and a half of relentless gunfire and explosions. Besides a rope swingin’ death match, the most memorable scene I took away from this is a gang of scared little folk bein’ doused in gas fer a helluvit execution. Don’t see that everyday! Explosions galore, gunfire galore, Mad Max wannabe attack vehicles, harem dungeons, attempted rapes, plunderin’, village massacres, stick fightin’, nicks and scratches that require combustible healin’, tribal romances, stabbin’s, cave-ins, and money grabbin’ bets with venomous snakes! 3/5! 

THE RAKE (2018)

Two traumatized siblin’s reunite for their foster sister’s housewarmin’, but their childhood boogeyman, the Rake, crashes the party for some long overdue bloodshed. Featurin’ a solid cast of diverse characters, well paced edits, and one helluva monster whose design reminds me of Pumpkinhead, this is one of the better flicks I’ve seen based on a Creepypasta monster. The only sour is the foster sister’s frustrated husband who I think the filmmakers want us to dislike, but his asshole moments feel unjustified and over the top without the troubled siblin’ he’s upset with doin’ somethin’ more severe than bein’ a Debbie Downer at the party. Eye gougin’, disembowelin’, home invasions, psychic viruses, wine cellar scares, throat slittin’, semi-possessed suicides, and monstrous skin-rippin’ transformations that give Nightmare on Elm Street 2 a run for its money! 3/5!


A deranged ranger with a homicidal hard-on for park rules stalks a cabin full of obnoxious punks layin’ low from the law and is particularly obsessed with one of the girls he shares a dark secret with. While this retro feelin’ slasher is a little more punk soap heavy than horror, it successfully holds my interest with its slowly unraveled backstory and tension for the partyer’s fate. Kind of wish the ranger’s motivation for killin’ was explored more, but it ain’t nothin’ that drags the movie down. Severed feet, bear traps, drug overdoses, trippin’ balls-o-vision, bullets to the face, stabbin’, fatal freefalls, corpses in cages, axes to the face, spray paint to the eyes, head bashin’ with binoculars, leashed addicts, punk concert scenes, booger sugar, wolf attacks offscreen, explodin’ boom boxes, needles to the neck and arms, and timber wolf cosplay! 3/5! 


In a world where everyone is a rapist, Barbie dolls carry an entire Z-flick ’bout a damaged woman takin’ back a sense of power in her life by rappin’ and torturin’ a couple of female hitchhikers who are coincidentally on their way to get revenge on someone who rapped them. Yup . . . While this bottom of the barrel, homemade, community theater acted flick with a non-stop soundtrack of ear numbin’ rock can be quickly dismissed as some sicko’s excuse to film rough lesbo action, it does leave a dirty impression on you if you can sit through the whole thing. While the effects are non-existent and most the torture is done off screen, the threats the rape victim turned rapist makes and the torture she describes is some pretty sick shit that would rattle any viewer if filmed by a more effective and experienced director wantin’ to give people a WTF experience. Eyelids cut off, Tupperware with eyes and tongues, boobs, deluded play dates, gunshots, bitin’ tongues out people’s mouths, Barbie dolls melted with solderin’ irons in women’s snatches, cemetery walks, anal penetration with a knife, rape flashbacks, fingerin’, non-consensual blowjobs, kidnappin’, women pinned underwater in a tub with a weight over their neck and only a straw to breath, threats to shit down a funnel into women’s mouths, bondage, face gouged rapists forced to rape kidnapped girls, staged suicides, foreign gals, lessons in honesty, and the soap you’re gonna need to wash yourself clean of this flick when it’s over! 2/5! 

RAPTOR (2001)

Roger Corman digs up ol’ dino clips from his Carnosaur trilogy and recycles them into an unofficial sequel with new hero footage of Eric Roberts shoehorned in to pull it all together as a small town sheriff investigatin’ suspicious activity ’round his town’s gene-slammin’ chicken farm. If you’ve already seen the original disasterpieces of prehistoric puppets and guys in rubber rex suits, do yourself a favor and skip this rehash ‘less you enjoy a bunch of Eric Robert close-ups and actors dressed as the folks from past movies whose death scenes get a second life. This flick’s got its share of choppy edits and awkward insertion shots, but it beats the pants off any flick by Godfrey Ho, a director best known for slammin’ completely different flicks into one feature with dumbfounded results! 2/5! 


A young’n pulls on his big boy pants and orders adults to defeat an evil dug out of an ancient Finland mountain . . . Santa Clause! Or what might actually be the earliest film appearance of Krampus with a farm’s worth of helpers that look like anorexic Saint Nicks! Beautiful cinematography with great new twists on an all too familiar lore, this flick’s a little too Speilberg-young’n heavy for my taste and could stand some more Santa action, but it’s still an amazing film horror fans have got to see. Dead reindeer as far as the eye can see, young’n decoys, Santas in cages, gingerbread bait, massive heater thefts, bear traps in chimneys, youngn’s in potato sacks, Santa/Krampus on ice, airlift youngn’s, Santa farms, slaughterhouses, pig carcasses, decapitations, and a heart warming ending promoting slavery! 4/5! 

RATMAN (1988)

A Caribbean scientist splices a monkey and a rat together for a Nobel Peace Prize, but his freaky creation named “Mousy” escapes and strategically stalks random islanders and photo shoot models for meals, instantly killin’ them with his poisonous claws and teeth. Starrin’ one of the world’s smallest actors, this is a pretty straight forward creature feature with a thin plot but entertainin’ enough to never be borin’. Worst thing is half the movie bein’ spent on a pointless parallel story about a woman lookin’ for her sister after the police scare her with false cries of “dead bimbo” not once but twice! Boobs in the shower, disemboweled corpses, hamburger skeletons, nip slip photo shoots, uninvited tag alongs, mutant carry-ons, rats, and terror at 20000 feet! 3/5! 


Did ya know Edgar Allan Poe was in the military fer a hot minute? He simply walked away from it, but this flick gives history a kick in the ass in the name of entertainment and spins yarn ’bout our favorite emo poet bein’ court-martialed ’cause he defied orders while rescuin’ a suspicious hole in the wall town from the terror of a dark supernatural entity known as the Raven. While this sucker’s a little slow fer my taste and unravels a bit of a convoluted mystery I can’t completely follow, it’s still a quality flick from its period production value to its consistently grim atmosphere and stark imagery. Make a drinkin’ game out of all the nods to Poe’s work you can find from the Tell Tale Heart to the The Fall of the House of Usher. Disemboweled sacrifices, scarecrow offerin’s, CGI vomitin’, blood ‘n guts altars, evil doppelgangers, stabbin’s, raven monsters, monstrous transformations, hide-n-seek corpses, bodily explodin’, folks eaten by pigs off screen, and Opium drinkin’ defenses to see through dark magic! 3/5! 

RAW FORCE (1982)

In this mess of a plot, Asian Hitler is tradin’ she-slaves with an island of cannibal monks for chunks of jade, and he inadvertently strands a cruise ship full of kung-fu yahoos who must battle undead warriors and ninjas the monks resurrect. My biggest problem with this flick is that it tries to tell everyone’s story. 1/3 the movie is the jade goons’ sinister operation, 1/3 is the hijinks of the booze cruise, and the final 1/3 is finally what you came to see – kung-fu zombies! This is entertainin’ overall (the cruise party in the middle is the best part), but doesn’t quite deliver what the poster promises. Decapitations, ass kickin’ eye candy, boobs, great whore house escapes, mix martial bar brawls, whore-nappin’, slow-mo monks, head smashed ice, stabbin’s, shoots outs, lost at sea, shipwrecks, zip onscreen cannibalism, swordplay, and undead warriors! 3/5! 


A guy looks for answers to his wife’s mysterious death in the Australian Outback and after a whole movie of nightmarish walkabouts and awkward run-ins with the whacked out locals, he finds out she was eaten by a feral bullet proof razorback the size of a truck that’s got a hankerin’ for him now. I think this is a decent idea for a creature feature with a lot of cool shots and synth scores, but the biggest sour is there’s barely any razorback action in this thang! If you just wanna see the best parts, watch the first and last 15 minutes where you’ll find all the monstrous puppet action with the mutant hog eatin’ folks and havin’ it’s final showdown in a dog food factory. Wallabees, dogs attackin’ hogs, kangaroo huntin’, piggy slaughterhouses, baby nappin’, gallopin’ horse skeletons, vomitin’ on folks’ heads, melodramatic shoutin’, Mad Max vehicle action, ground-up hogzillas, outdoor showerin’ without boobs, houses ripped in half, cattle skulls galore, and a lot of strangely cut scenes of a laughable hunter wantin’ revenge on the animatronic beast! 3/5! 


In what’s basically The Most Dangerous Game with satanists, a clueless bride upholds her fat-cat in-laws’ weddin’ tradition with a game of hide-and-seek and quickly realizes she’s gotta fight tooth and nail to win or be sacrificed to the devil by board game barons believin’ they’ll die by sunrise if they lose. Full of fun tension, this weddin’ horror hits on all pistons with escalatin’ dangers, solid characters, dark humor, thoughtful cinematography, and an entertainin’ build-up to one of two equally great endin’s! Samara Weaving continues to soar as one of horror’s newest icons, provin’ fantastic at every level from victim (Ash vs Evil Dead) to killer (The Babysitter) to the last girl in this flick. Only minor sour I can bitch ’bout is the backstory to the family’s pact with the devil bein’ a little too convoluted to follow. Bare minimum weddin’ scenes, Clue board game nods, hot tea pots to the face, impaled hands, young’n smackin’, dead maids galore, bullets and arrows to the face, dumbwaiter deaths, decapitations, strangulation, car wrecks, spontaneous combustions, satanic rituals, dead pits, goat pens, house fires, poisonin’, head bashin’, what I think are cursed boxes, stabbin’s, and booger sugar! 5/5! 


When Jessie’s new friend disappears from the club scene with her cell, her gang helps her track it to a ghetto of horrors where they stumble into a den of kidnappers still practicin’ caveman tactics for findin’ a date. The biggest thing this sucker suffers from is pacin’ and tension. The horror doesn’t officially start ’til ’bout the last 30 minutes and kicks off like it’s already the final chase scene, endin’ in a handful of struggles the heroes overcome too easily ‘gainst their wannabe Stockholm family who ain’t scary in the least. Well shot and acted though. Houdini box escapes, jaw removals with a bat, booger sugar in club restrooms, attempted carjackin’, kidnappin’, women in chains, snuff film stashes, pickaxes to the head, neck stabbin’, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, and impalin’ on a swing set! 2/5!


While Dee Wallace celebrates Christmas down under with her Australian family, a horrifyin’ mistake from her past limps to her front door and asks for acceptance into the family he never had least he kills them all. Much better than I expected, this violent holiday horror hooks me with its drama and the mystery of the hulkin’ visitor cosplayin’ as a mummy but sadly loses all that momentum by the third act when it all progresses into a meanderin’ game of cat and mouse. And just to get it out of my system (SPOILER ALERT), when does havin’ Down Syndrome mean bein’ a super strong behemoth with a monstrous mug? Bear trap hats gone wrong, pissin’ on the poor, dick rippin’, strangulations, artists chopped in half, prego bangin’, stabbin’s, Christmas births, axe-wieldin’ abortions, explosive backstories, fatal gunshots, and axes through the head! 3/5!


A SyFy original that doesn’t suck fat monkey nut with oversaturated blue tones, flat characters, or shitty CG animals fighting out it? Pinch me, ’cause it’s a St. Patrick’s Day miracle! A she-ginger accidentally releases a scary looking leprechaun from its magical prison, and she’s got to save her town’s St. Patty’s parade before it makes magically delicious mince meat out of everyone. Lucky for us, she has the help of her small town sheriff daddy, the questionably balding Billy Zane. Good story with a cool monster and entertaining characters. 4/5!


It’s a girls’ weekend in the boonies when one hottie’s dead dad leaves her a shithole in the sticks, but murderous relatives and wacky tobacky hicks don’t want her ’round, no matter how short the visit. While this flick is beautifully shot with decent ‘nough actors keepin’ my interest from beginnin’ to end, it’s more mystery thriller than horror. Sure, there’s some kills, torture, and psycho-billy rapists, but a lot of that’s packed in the back end of the film with very little gore and presented as disjointed threats that could have been tied together better. Worth checkin’ out but nothin’ memorable. Decayin’ dog hot tubs, eye gougin’, impalement, rape baby-boys, attempted redneck rape, suffocation, retarded geezers in the walls, heart rippin’, kidnappin’, throat slittin’, and boobs in the car and hot tub! 2/5!


A dumb soldier leaves a barrel of toxic waste with some dumb rednecks who make moonshine out of it and become flesh chewin’ backwood hicks eatin’ dumb hikers. The editing is choppy and the zombie make-up is sloppy, but this is better than it looks with fun B-movie humor, delightfully gory kills, and memorable characters obviously inspired by Troma films. Dogs in sunglasses, plenty of eye popping effects, zombie toddlers, washing machine baths, Texas Chainsaw nods, tripping balls-o-vision, little piggies goin’ die die die, visceral dismemberments, saddest skin flick party ever committed to video, puking, drinks to stress, zombie psyche-outs, Fangoria nods, and the best character is the mysterious Tobacco Man who deserves his own film! 3/5!


A gaggle of gals mourn the loss of a friend with some kayakin’ off the coast of Australia, and ’cause they don’t know how the buddy system works, they’re targeted by an unrelentin’ shark they gotta kill to survive while dealin’ with semi-important drama that barely registers. A bit of a wonky pace with minimum escalations of danger, the only thing worse than feelin’ like I’m watchin’ folks act in the shallow end of a pool is the last girls’ master plan to catch and “drown” the shark obsessed with eatin’ ’em. I’m no marine biologist, but how does a shark drown, exactly? Fine fer Shark Week entertainment, but nothin’ special. Simple blood splatter effects, motorboat rescues, scuba divin’, kayak flippin’, fuedin’ couples, drownin’, human size meals, and nods to the yellow barrel from Jaws! 3/5! 


A gang of freelance filmmakers get bored shootin’ behind the scenes footage for a scary movie bein’ made in an abandoned asylum and decide to wander the location’s haunted halls for supernatural action they ain’t prepared for instead. Incredibly low budget with very little action as far as spooks and ghosts are concerned, this found footage flick’s savin’ grace is its excellent castin’ of the core characters whose chemistry keeps me engaged to the doom and gloom end. Scooby-Doo hallway gags, pixelated shadows, ecto-doctors, softcore bangin’, eerie white noises, off camera deaths, boobs, dissected flings in the morgue, and starrin’ one of our favorite Full Moon hotties, Jessica Morris! 3/5! 


In the thick of World War II, a gang of American fly boys face impossible odds liberatin’ a European village as they fight Nazis on the ground and a big ass army of magically summoned gargoyles in the sky. Better than yer average TV movie fodder from Syfy, this is a pretty solid piece of period horror with damn good CGI that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The cast is likable, there’s a steady escalation of danger, and even the occasional laugh out action sequence like planes explodin’ over soldiers’ heads without ’em gettin’ so much as a scratch, and pilots tryin’ to stick the head gargoyle with the Spear of Destiny at 20,000 feet. Only sour I can find with this is its lack of fundin’ for more dramatic lightin’ and camerawork. Nazi massacres, folks ripped in half, explosions, plane crashes, gun fightin’, international romances, holy artifact defenses, fist fightin’ shin digs, aerial combat, fatal gunshots, and monstrous fatal freefalls! 3/5! 


A young prego refuses to be a mama, and her ghostly newborn ain’t too happy ’bout that. A grisly short that hits ya right in the baby-maker, this is top shelf filmmakin’ with effectively subtle cinematography capturin’ one hell of a convincin’ performance. As the first Turkish produced horror ’bout a killer baby doll, it’s a little on the nose the filmmakers are playin’ Child’s Play in the background, but I figure they’re just pointin’ out the obvious given that’s all you’ll think of when their version of a CGI knife wieldin’ doll baby steps on screen. No sours here! 4/5!


An over the hill actress rushes scientists to develop a serum of youth and suffers side effects including transformations into a brain sucking monster reminiscent of the un-men from Swamp Thing Returns. A decent body horror flick with well written characters, I would really liked to have seen the filmmakers go further with the effects and give us more progressive monster make-ups and an actual transformation scene. Monster mice, head ripping, brain slurping, hag nagging, monster meltdowns, foaming mouths, and butler revenge plots. 4/5!

REMAINS (2011)

An experimental nuke oven goes off and turns the gamblers of Reno, Nevada into shufflin’ zombies who sleep at night and eager to chow down the town’s only handful of survivors holdin’ up in a hotel. Adapted from a comic book by Steve Niles, this living dead flick from Chiller really doesn’t have much goin’ for it to separate it from every other average run of the cemetery zombie flick I’ve ever seen. It needs more interestin’ situations, more creative kills, and really drops the ball when it fails to fully exploit the magician’s human hamster ball which could have been the movie’s signature moment. Head bashin’, finger choppin’, cowgirl bangin’, military invasions, gunfights, zombie lassoin’, zombie’s eatin’ zombies, self eatin’ supper zombies, human hamster balls, and parkin’ garage massacres! 3/5!


When two couples discover their getaway rental for the weekend’s got peepin’ tom cams spyin’ on ’em, secret affairs keep ’em from rattin’ out the owner which leads to a whole bloody mess of miscommunication and cover-ups that prove to be more dangerous than the pervert manipulatin’ ’em. A solid flick through and through, this is more drama than horror for my taste, and the details for the sicko behind it all are too hard to follow regardin’ whether or not he has any real relation to the seemingly clueless host. Sex in the shower, violent outbursts, secret hidey hole control centers, unharmed lost and found dogs, hot tub flirtin’, dope house parties, car wrecks, and body dumpin’ over steep cliffs! 3/5! 


In this wince worthy Exorcist spoof, the devil repossesses Linda Blair and plans on exploitin’ his televised exorcism to corrupt couch potatoes ‘cross the world ‘less Leslie Nielsen can drag his ass outta retirement and stop him with the help of a young pastor played by Anthony Starke from Return of the Killer Tomatoes. A decent attempt at givin’ horror the Naked Gun treatment for a chuckle, I love the devil’s master plan, but the humor’s more miss than hit for me with jokes that overstay their welcome, almost as if the filmmakers meagerly winged the comedy to pad the film. Linda Blaire’s terrific at makin’ fun of her most iconic role, but I still hold the openin’ act from Scary Movie 2 as the best parody of The Exorcist. Pea soup vomittin’ galore, topless students, boobs in the gym, dogs in a wood chipper, homoerotic gym rats, broadcast possessions, and sight gags galore! 2/5! 


Miners unearth a piece of frozen dino hide and send it to a lab in Copenhagen to be studied. Unfortunately, the lab employs sleepy old men and wide eyed hicks who accidentally thaw out the sample which regenerates into a rampagin’ rubber lizard of prehistoric proportions! Not a lot of plot, this is a city stompin’ monster flick at its most basic with the army firin’ every bullet and bomb to save the day. Rather than usin’ any fancy stop-motion effects for the monster, the filmmakers go for a goofy ol’ rubber puppet approach with claws stuck in a “don’t shoot!” position and animate in some deadly upchuck that looks like a glarin’ afterthought durin’ post production. Pretty girls, a funny hick playin’ Paul Revere while dickin’ around with electric eels, and a dumb ass lookin’ monster worthy of The Giant Claw fame! 3/5!


In this reboot of From Beyond, students at Miskatonic University get more than they bargain for when their egghead classmate rebuilds his pop’s scrapped science project and breaks down interdimensional barriers that unleash waves of horn dog energy and vicious creatures a power hungry professor wants to control. While Full Moon Empire’s second go round with this Lovecraft property ain’t as provocative or effects heavy as their initial flick with director Stuart Gordon at the helm, it still manages to deliver a solid movie with a top notch cast of talent effortlessly convincin’ me of the dangers they encounter while bein’ fantastically captured on film by thoughtful lightin’ and camerawork. I wish the evil professor’s performance was more dynamic to kick the flick’s energy up ‘nother notch, but ain’t nothin’ that sours the overall enjoyment of things. Crushed heads, ghost dads, monstrous transformations, cosmically dirty thoughts, sith lord wardrobes, bat beatin’s, possible mulligans, guilt ridden search histories, interdimensional daydreamin’ with boobs, free floatin’ monsters of various sizes, shotgun action, CGI jelly fish, appearances by an all new Herbert West, fancy shovel whackin’, and a sweet cameo by Elm Street alum Amanda Wyss! 3/5!


A gang of semi-platonic eye candy breeze their way to an abandoned Hawaiian resort to spot ghosts for a book or somethin’ and become easy pickin’s for an infamous, tourist hatin’ ghost, the half face girl. A top shelf lookin’ flick from its competent cast to the gorgeously exotic locations they huff it through, it’s sad to watch this end up bein’ one of ’em “full of potential” movies that ultimately flops due to a poor script. The story takes its sweet time ‘fore anythin’ remotely horrific happens, the friends’ relationships could stand more definition, the lead character’s role as a writer is pretty weak, the story can’t decide how restricted this island or its resort is or not with boats and ‘copters full of folks comin’ and goin’, and the booga boo behind the scares feels absent with her hidin’ behind a buncha possessions and mind fucks. It’s an entertainin’ ‘nough watch, but could’ve been somethin’ great in the right hands. Window smashin’, whirly bird rides, exotic trespassin’, folks bein’ yanked into darkness, skinny dippin’ with male buttocks, moonin’ photo ops, car wrecks, possessed trucks, face rippin’, neck stabbin’s, psych-out endin’s, longwinded expositions, and extendo ghosts! 3/5!


A topless gal and her greedy husband are on a treasure hunt fer a fortune hidden somewhere in her dead aunt’s mansion she inherited, but auntie’s garish ghost ‘long with a buncha weirdo squatters with death certificates have other sinister plans in mind fer ’em. A slow European burn with some laughable actin’ from its leadin’ lady, this sucker downplays auntie’s supernatural scares in favor of more slasher themed action from the freeloadin’ tenants and with a pinch of whodunnit twists to keep things interestin’. Only serious sours worth mentionin’ is the suicide initiation into the homebound cult of walkin’ relics gettin’ too convoluted fer me to follow and the resurrection stuff not makin’ a lick o’ sense in the grand scheme of things. A borderline dud that barely manages to provide heckle worthy entertainment fer a slow night. Monoxide poisonin’, private strings concert massacres, weaponized blind sticks, stabbin’s galore, throat slittin’, goofy faces galore, Nazis, immortal cults, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, boobs in the tub, boobs in the pool, psych-out deaths, topless chases, attack dogs, resurrections, turncoat lovers, car wrecks, dark magic assassins, and nonsense cliffhanger endin’s! 2/5! 

yressurectedTHE RESURRECTED (1991)

Another H.P. Lovecraft inspired film, a concerned wife hires a private detective to investigate her husband’s oddball behavior and finds out he’s experimenting in the dark arts of resurrection with grisly special effect results. An overall slow-burn, not too much happens beyond solving a Hardy Boys mystery for most the film, but the ending is full of gore-tastic effects and cool looking monsters that ultimately serve as the hook for horror fans to check this thing out. Mutilated monsters floating merrily down the river, skin swapping, head ripping, stop-motion skeletons, pit of reject monsters, underground dungeon labs, period piece flashbacks, and arcane science raising monsters from ashes! 3/5!


Durin’ a bachelor party hike up a remote mountain, a pair of best buds enjoy some recreational drugs from a stranger, and one of ’em starts thinkin’ a thousand yard stare wendigo’s after ’em with a litter of ghouls itchin’ to tear ’em apart. This flick looks great and sports some sweet monster make-ups, but it takes some David Lynch sorta twists and turns early on that leaves me bored and frustrated with never knowin’ what’s real or not. Is there a boogey man spirit in the woods turnin’ jerks into damned lap dogs? Is this all just a bad trip from homemade narcotics? Or were the filmmakers so indecisive what should happen in this story, they push this shit out into the world as one of ’em “Make of it what you will” salvage jobs were supposed to buy as clever filmmakin’. I just call it a waste of time that could be better spent lookin’ for potato chips shaped like world leaders! 2/5!


Arcane’s crack team of egg heads manage to bring him back to life and look less like a wooly pig man, but he needs his step-daughter for a fatal experiment to make it permanent. Unfortunately for him, her new boyfriend’s Swamp Thing, and the muck man won’t let his newest squeeze go without a fight. While this sequel’s campier than some fans of the character might prefer, this is my personal favorite ’cause it has a lot more monsters and comic bookish scenarios I wanted to see in the original. Only sour might be the lame ass monster Swampy trades punches with at the end, but still fun to watch. Leech men, zoo of deformed mutants, Star Trek lookin’ nerd beasts, zapped bug-men, vicious goober fish, mad science labs, turn-on scars, explosions, chainsaws, tranq guns, janitors turned goons, homicidal rednecks, moonshine brawls, trailer park brawls, swamp brawls, lab brawls, Playmate wannabes, tubs of green goo, plants growin’ out of feet, super resurrections, jeep chases, comic relief young’ns, nudie mag stashes, naked neckin’ fantasies, sabotaged experiments, and gun shots to the chest! 5/5! 


Every 30 years or so, a cursed town is besieged by a head rippin’ scarecrow in a big hat, but this time he’s detoured by bumblin’ buffoonery and confronted by angry blood relatives. This cheap flick rides a fine line between a decent horror comedy, and Z-grade garbage. While the sours can be argued as parody, there’s too many openin’ acts before we get to the core group we’re supposed to invest in, the backstory is waaay too convoluted, and there’s not a solid point of view to hitch our story to. Head rippin’, stabbin’s, skinny dippin’, scarecrow lynch mobs, puppet show expositions, and scarecrow pranks! 2/5! 

Ol’ Macdonald screws a goat, and ee-i-ee-i-oh no, it spawns a bobble head mutant named Billy who sporatically attacks his mud wallowin’ fam from the fringes of this Euro-oddity, while they continue livin’ their everyday lives as filthy horn dog yokels. If yer hopin’ this monster movie will be a nature vs nurture kinda horror like Sonny Boy or The Godmonster of Indian Flats, don’t hold yer breath, Scream Freaks. This roamin’ story’s more interested in the disgustin’ antics of the farmers and lazily inserts the killer goat man whenever it feels like bein’ a horror without any tension buildin’ it up. Shittin’ fat ladies, fat geezer bumpin’, offscreen bestiality, shoes full of feet meat, arm rippin’, goat boy vision, slashin’, drop dead dinners, offscreen doggy deaths, attempted rape, vomitin’, chainsaw fightin’, and explosive endin’s! 2/5! 


A female reporter wants to know what makes Stepford tick, but her investigation only ticks off the local men who’ve traded their robot lovers in for brainwashed companions waitin’ on ’em hand and foot to provide a cushy life they’d kill to protect. A nice TV movie of the week follow-up to the original Stepford Wives, I’m disappointed in the lame switch from robots to drugged house wives, but this flick introduces plenty of new characters, gives a little more insight into the mysterious Men’s Association, and mixes things up with a single woman confrontin’ the town’s twisted morals ‘stead of a panicked mama. Fender benders, pill poppin’ galore, sirens galore, drug overdose, hair saloon brainwashin’, booze induced malfunctions, bar fights, lynch mobs, and Don Johnson as a rookie cop fed up with his wife’s sass! 3/5!

 z06THE REZORT (2015)

It’s Jurassic Park with zombies as a corporation profits from the zombie apocalypse, roundin’ up the remainin’ undead for an island retreat where payin’ customers can safely turn walkin’ corpses into Swiss cheese. Safe, until the computer grid is hacked and guests are forced to fight their way off the island against hordes of pissed zombies and a pending airstrike sent to prevent the next outbreak. The story structure is so obviously Jurassic Park with twists you see comin’ a mile away, but the film’s got high production value, sharp cinematography, actin’ you can root for, and some genuine bad-asses. Zombie hordes, sinister corporations, exploited refugees, zombie safaris, zombie snipers, ignorant hackers, zombie violence therapy, neck bitin’, and an explosive endin’! 3/5!


We all dive in a yellow submarine as a rescue team led by R. Lee Ermey looks for another missin’ sub in the murky ocean depths and runs smack dab into a school of genetically altered sea creatures. This flick might start a little slow with a lot of Hunt for Red October kinda drama steerin’ and commandin’ a sub, but if you stick with it, the last half of the film has lots of monster action right out of a video game! Techy sabotage, butthole growths, quarantines, infectious seaweed, tainted drinks, legs and hands bitten off, monsters eatin’ men whole, games of whack-a-mutie, explodin’ muties, gillman eggs, mutie makin’ machines, radar maps, mutie raftin’, underwater firepower, underwater caves, secret labs, mother muties, and Ray Wise dies as a mutant plant man! 4/5! 


Snaggletoothed T-1000 e.t.s attack the planet the same time droves of young’ns arrive at a schmancy summer camp, and a dyin’ astronaut burdens one gang of prepubescent campers with gettin’ the secret to defeatin’ the invaders to a military base 70 miles behind enemy lines. Kind of like a weird hybrid between Meatballs and a Nickelodeon kid’s show, this vibrantly shot family safe sci-fi romp is waaay more character driven drama than e.t. bashin’ action, which ain’t a bad thing mind ya, but leaves the alien stuff feelin’ like an uninspired afterthought that never registers any genuine tension. Zip linin’, outer space action, space wrecks, crispy e.t.s, e.t. dog-like things, triple mug slappin’, oral probes, mauled counselors, explosions, u.f.o. combat, golden shower vision, hidey poo-holes, numeric issues, bike wrecks, L.A. chaos, and minors possibly forced to deep throat e.t. face dongs! 3/5! 

zringsRINGS (2017)

Remakes, reboots, and reanimations, oh my. Despite any inclination toward regurgitation, nothing was gonna stop us from entering the next circle of the well to hell, creatively titled Rings. Let’s blow past the absence of the journalistic blonde bombshell played by Naomi Watts. Plenty of sequels thrive without past protagonists. The acting is outstanding, but the key component isn’t a last girl—it’s a recurring nerd in the form of The Bang Theory’s Leonard. He still works for a university, but this time, he’s more of a mad scientist. That was genius; the decision to rehash plot points that spin the viewer ’round & ’round was not. Quick tips: Explain the aberrant-minded professor’s afterlife theories, spend more time in the well-funded secret laboratory/techno-bar, and STOP giving us maudlin chicks who think they can save the evil kid by putting her Satan-soaked spirit, along with her horse hair and hoard of flies to rest! To be fair, there is a creative twist—and some eerily innovative ideas, not the least of which is Samara’s origin story Is it just me, or did she grow up to be a sasquatch that’s not as scary as Vincent D’Onofrio who continues his Championship Season as a menacing human? It’s awkward when a kid outgrows cuteness. Our advice is to view the latest installment, but don’t be surprised if your inner freak screams at the writers use what was working for them as a springboard to an amazing movie rather than slink back down into the admittedly rich well from which they were drawing. 3/5

RITUALS (1977)

It’s open season on physicians when a gang of adventurous doctors hikin’ the Canadian wilderness unknowingly trigger a deformed mountain man’s hate for healthcare. While there are better flicks out there of stranded folks fightin’ for their lives in the wilderness, this still does a great job keepin’ me engaged with a solid ensemble of competent actors set against breathtakin’ shots of the Great White North’s epic landscapes. Only problem I got is with the killer regardin’ how he gets involved with the docs and how fast he seems to move through the woods. Swarms of bees, boot thefts in the night, underwater beartraps, broken legs, near drownin’s, decapitations, mercy strangulations, stabbin’s, toasty captives, gunfights, and blind struggles! 3/5! 


Australia mixes Rear Window with Mad Max as Stacy Keach plays a talkative meat haulin’ trucker who thinks he might be on the trail of a girl butcherin’ killer at large, dumpin’ their body parts all over the Outback. While this is a terrific movie with brilliant moments and possibly Stacy’s greatest performance, it’s more suspense than horror with just a few scares every now and again. Most will want to watch this for Jamie Lee Curtis playin’ a hitchhiker Stacy picks up, but she’s in this about as much as she was playin’ a hitchhiker in The Fog. Stacy’s real co-star is his amazin’ dingo co-pilot named Boswell who survives the movie as one of horror’s greatest canine heroes. Road rage, guitar string strangulations, no boobs, naked girls with guitars, stolen identities, sneezy riders, pink streamer roadblocks, fastest fat woman EVER captured on celluloid, laugh out loud rescue attempts on a motorcycle, piggy slaughterhouse footage, crammed alleyway chases, severed heads, and make it a drinkin’ game every time someone says “game!” 4/5! 


A gang of horny young campers are stranded in the Australian Outback and steal a ride on a twin-trailer haulin’ semi that’s more than it seems with a sinister force influencin’ them to feed its blood hungry engine. This Ozzie horror has ‘nough dough for a couple of book endin’ car wrecks with a little gore peppered in, but it struggles to fill the middle with a spaghetti thin story that’s stretched to a feature length snooze fest. Kudos to the filmmakers for tryin’ to give us some complex characters, but this really needs more action than cheatin’ couples drama to keep things interestin’. Car rolls, car wrecks, broken arms, crushed heads, blood pumpin’ machinery, shoot ’em up desert chases, corpse grindin’ trailers, meat encrusted keys, and a sleepin’ bag bangin’ openin’ scene without boobs! 2/5!


An annoyin’ young’n bumps his head playin’ space man and daydreams about an apocalyptic future where all humanity is nearly extinct, dinosaurs roam the earth again, and a moon gorilla wearin’ a space helmet is after his family with a death ray. This flick’s infamous for bein’ one of the silliest B-movies to ever be heckled, but I’m gonna open a can of worms and say it’s a little undeservin’! Sure, the monster looks like someone blindly grabbed clearance items in a costume shop and thought bubble machines complimented Telsa toys, but the story’s solid, the actin’s good, and the flick’s score is pretty damn impressive. Only shit I hate is that it’s all a daydream with a confusin’ transition, and one of the young’ns wasn’t strangled onscreen. Good movie just goofy delivery. Inverted death rays, painted lightnin’, bubbles, fatal freefalls, strangled young’ns, ro-man ro-mances, interstellar bosses, fightin’ stop-motion dinos, explodin’ spacecrafts, alien invasions, e.t. caves, apocalypse weddin’s, and ro-man on ro-man violence! 3/5!


When a mildly popular comic creator witnesses a couple gunned down by a gang of rapists, he does a few sit-ups and vows gory vigilante justice as his funny book hero, the Robot Ninja. Unfortunately, his greatest weakness is he’s not a robot . . . or a ninja! While most folks may be distracted by this indie flick’s cheap production and never endin’ credits paddin’ out the runnin’ time, I’m pretty damn impressed by the horror filmmakers’ effort to pull off a poor man’s superhero movie on such a limited budget. What I do have a problem with, however, is the final act when the deluded artist irrationally starts rammin’ metal into his gapin’ wounds and commits to an unconvincin’ suicide mission that feels all wrong. Stabbins’, folks gunned down, attempted rape, zombie vision, gashed faces, severed hands, lynch mobs, blood drool, convenient basement scientists, do it yourself surgery, super suit grab bags at the hardware store, impalements, throw-up that looks like ramen noodle guts, a crazy death with a gun jammed through someone’s eye before it’s fired, and a special appearance by Burt “Boy Wonder” Ward with Scream Royalty Linnea Quigley as his secretary! 3/5!


When a mad scientist finds it necessary to put himself in a robot body to rape and kill women on top of kidnappin’ a foreign prince for ransom, ‘nother scientist pulls a Robocop and resurrects a fallen police woman to stop him with the help of a high-kickin’ robo-whore. Packed with chop-suey action, topless eye candy, and comic bookish sets, this gem from China checks a lot of boxes for bein’ an entertainin’ blender of cheesy action, sci-fi, and comedy with a fleetin’ pinch of softcore action I’m certain was hacked down to ’bout nothin’ in the copy I watched. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is how the she-bot cop is completely removed from the final battle with the bad guy which essentially means she accomplished nothin’ as the movie’s heroin. I also wish the filmmakers went a lot further with the special effects whenever the robots get fucked up in battle to make up for ’em lookin’ like regular people most the movie. Foot stomped stool pigeons, dented guts, German/American battle bot showdowns, boulder throwin’, severed robo arms, undercover whores, aroused nosebleeds, metallic underwear, headless henchmen, explosions, scrapyard showdowns, giant magnets, robo crushin’,  techno mind swaps, rigged drinkin’ games, robots peein’ in liquor bottles, wicker briefcase decapitations, head bashin’, and one laughably cruel endin’ for our hero cop! 4/5! 


After a homicidal rocker gets the chair fer randomly killin’ his band members two years earlier, his back-up singin’ girlfriend takes the center stage and is convinced her psycho lover’s come back from the grave to sabotage her tour with ‘nother murder spree. More of a howtheydunnit than a whodunnit, this heavy metal massacre is pretty transparent from the get-go with its all too obvious plot twists thanks to the filmmakers lackin’ any finesse creatin’ the red herrin’ mystery I expect from most masked slasher movies. This sucker starts and ends strong with creative kills to sweet tunes like “I’m Back” and “Rainbow Eyes,” but completely drags in the middle with buckets of pissin’ time as the killer endlessly taunts the last girl with a mere blip of tension. Fun watch but have that fast forward button ready. Hot tub drownin’, corpse hidin’, gaslightin’, rockin’ under the influence, stalkin’ galore, aerobics, electrified singin’ deaths, guitar pummelin’, coat hook impalement, diggin’ up corpses, throat slittin’, recordin’ studio massacres, and twin drama! 3/5! 

zrockulROCKULA (1990)

A centuries old vamp musician is cursed to lose his reincarnated lover every 22 years to a hambone wielding pirate decked in rhinestones, but fights to change his fate this next time ’round with power ballads and music video montages. We love this movie for how outlandish its story is, but you’d think the filmmakers would invest more time and effort into its music (which is pretty lame) given its the whole gimmick for hooking the audience. Elvis nods, mind numbing raps, sucky singing, music video romances, funhouse mirror conversations, fun with mortuaries, cryogenic plots, piggy buffet, blues riffs, double dates with mom, chicks singing in cages, and midget bats in boxers! 3/5! 

ROGUE (2007)

An Australian river cruise takes an unexpected detour into a big ass croc’s swimmin’ hole and the pissed off dino strands the sight seein’ invaders on a disappearin’ rock they gotta escape ‘fore he gobbles ’em all up. Top shelf production through and through, the only thing this killer animal flick’s lackin’ is dynamic characters. The one note leads are just relatable ‘nough to care a little for whether or not they end up croc chow, but the plot’s more ’bout the desperate situation these interchangeable yahoos find themselves in versus any character driven drama. And fair warnin’ for you dog lovers out there, there’s some ruff scenes toward the end! Outback rednecks, travel writin’ heroes, impaled heads, dead dogs, fishin’ with birds, panicked zip-linin’, mangled corpses, coffee flies, graphic news articles, finale cave fights, and severed fingers! 3/5!


A gang of costumed friends piss on ancient Halloween tree traditions and get the short end of the stick in this 48 hour produced quickie. For a 7 minute short, this mini-flick successfully captures the spirit of Halloween with slutty costumes and Party City décor, but also satisfies gore hounds with killer plants dishin’ out the blood. Popped fingernails, hot witches, blood covered runaways, and cringe worthy growths. 4/5!

THE ROW (2018)

In this Ruin My Lifetime wannabe, Randy Couture splits his screen time with a small army of plastic lookin’ hotties as a detective tryin’ to protect his daughter and her sorority sisters from bein’ hacked up into mannequins by a campus psycho with a grudge. More thriller than horror, this flick actually has the potential to be a decent slasher but trips all over itself with rough scene transitions, a wonky escalation of danger, a kind confusin’ premise built around an college datin’ app the killer may or may not be usin’, and Randy’s unnecessary cop killer drama. This flick’s biggest sin, however, is packin’ this sucker with tons of LA TnA just to never show any TnA from LA! Gunshots to the head, drug busts, cop killin’, drug wieldin’ druggies, hazin’ games of hide and shriek, college pool parties, stabbin’s, trippin’ balls at the clubs, hot girls vomittin’, slashers in the shower, dead mama drama, butcher wagons, mannequin limb transplants, and a semi-cross dressin’ killer played by a very convincin’ actor! 2/5!

THE RUINS (2008)

A gang of friends enjoy a Mexican getaway until they visit a Mayan temple where they’re quarantined by angry villagers for bein’ contaminated by blood suckin’ plants that do impressions. Crisp cinematography, strong actin’, and nice surprises with impressive gore that never goes over the top, this plant monster flick is well worth a look-see. Even more impressive is how well the CGI scares seem to hold up over time in this timeless fright for survival scare. Devoured legs, double amputations, broken backs, cell phone impersonations, sentient plant life, gunned down young’ns, arrows to the chest, skin crawlin’ vines, self turkey carvin’ mutilations, suffocations, and stabbin’s! 4/5! 


A single mama learns some fairy tales are real when her tears turn a home decor eyesore into the real life Rumpelstiltskin and ends up in a feature length Road Runner cartoon with only a random Jerry Springer wannabe helpin’ her keep the squatty creature from nabbin’ her baby. An unexpectedly decent monster movie overall, Rumpelstiltskin’s perfectly presented as this magically murderous cutup who can crouch with the best of ’em, but he’s unfortunately pitted ‘gainst so-so characters save the TV show host whose out of the blue inclusion is arguably the best part of the flick. Watchin’ this with modest expectations, the only sour that makes me pause is understandin’ the rules for stoppin’ Rumpelstiltskin when the heroes attack him with everythin’ from explodin’ construction equipment to simply sayin’ his name. Severed arms, baby nabbin’, go-cart chases, 18 wheeler chases, reattached limbs, storybook roadkill, monsters on motorcycles, explosions, weird wish grantin’, eye pluckin’, cop killin’s, fatal shoot outs, mystic shops, witchy know-it-alls, questionable reunion bangin’ ‘tween the sheets, head stabbin’, neck breakin’, biker throwin’, wrecks galore, crispy creatures, monsters with guns, police station massacres, zombies with hand painted lightenin’, hibernatin’ art curses, cemetery showdowns, monstrous matchsticks, and one of the weirdest kills captured on celluloid when Rumpelstiltskin yanks his own head off his shoulder to bite a fella on the neck! 4/5!

yrushRUSH WEEK (1989)

It’s ’80s cheese slasher at its best when a masked maniac has an axe to grind with the impure college bimbos partying it up with rivaling frat boys. This forgotten flick lacks gore but hits the rest of the high notes you could want in a B-movie with handfuls of boobs, zany characters, and an adult Scooby-Doo mystery that’ll keep you guessing who the killer is to the end. Pranks with corpses, topless meditations, journalist gumshoes, decapitations, finger foods, homophobic pledges, topless dancing, girly photoshoots with bodies, aggressive flirting, frat asses, and Dickies concerts! 4/5!

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