Q – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


A commercial flight lands in a quarantine zone after there’s a rabies-like outbreak on the plane, and everyone bitches at the flight attendant to get them out of the airport without bein’ shot or mauled. A entertainin’ flick that’s fast paced and keeps ya engaged, the sweetest ingredient ain’t so much the mad runnin’ crazies but the dynamic mix of characters fightin’ their way through the chaos in a maze of a terminal providin’ all kinds of interestin’ chase sequences. The only sour I can even think of might be a lack of creative gore and kills. Virus outbreaks, chemical weapon terrorists, crazed fatties, stewardess’ faces bitten off, nook and cranny crawlin’ crew members, killer grandpas leapin’ out of their wheelchairs, caged cripples, infected rats and cats, folks torn apart, big ass needle injections in the eye socket, night vision massacres, and fatties vomitin’ on hotties! 5/5!


If ya seen King Kong, then you’ve seen this gender swappin’ parody of the most infamous monkey of ’em all! Just switch the gender of every character from the original, put ’em in London with a finale similar to the ’70s version of Kong, and throw in a handful of sight gags with a minimum of slapstick the whole family can tolerate. It ain’t laugh out loud funny, but it could be A LOT worse in my opinion. Quick sing songs, giant picnic tables, paper machete lookin’ dinos, smashed pterodactyls, carnivorous rose bushes, monster mashes, British chaos, and a happy endin’ for once! 3/5!


A bait and switch rebrandin’ of the Bloody Mary legend with a pinch of The Exorcist to mix things up, a gang of ambiguously aged teens dare each other to summon a killer spook known as the Queen of Spades through a mirror for kicks, but regret that decision as they start droppin’ dead with only one of their mamas and an exorcist to save ’em from the infamous booga boo. This sucker has ’bout as much excitement as watchin’ wet concrete dry with a live fly on top. It’s long, borin’, uneventful, and most everyone in the cast acts like they downed a whole bottle of Prozac ‘fore each take. The exorcism at the end is a surprisin’ twist, but it ain’t worth watchin’ the whole movie fer. Festering wounds that’re supposed to be supernatural scratches, heart attacks, drowinin’s, possessin’, fatal freefalls, and some of the most lackadaisical actin’ I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid! 2/5!


Christopher Lloyd plays a travelin’ curator of macabre oddities and bends strangers’ ears to hear him spin a couple of tales ’bout chop happy hands with minds of their own, and a protective pair of wind-up chompers protectin’ its new owner from a murderous hitchhiker. For a TV movie based on shorts by horror scribes Clive Barker and Stephen King, I expected a wham-bam whopper of a horrific knock-out, but King’s lighthearted car jackin’ gone sideways watches more like an episode of Amazing Stories compared to Clive’s humorously unnervin’ yarn of rebel digits. Mainly ’cause I don’t feel like King’s story has as strong of a point or sense of irony to it, but that could very well be on purpose accordin’ to Lloyd’s closin’ comments to his last listener who experiences her own bafflin’ end I can’t dedicate ‘nough time to understandin’. Body part messiahs, pip squeak yakin’ fingers, severed hands galore, stranglin’, plastic surgeries, car wrecks, death by gag toys, roadkill grooms, wax dipped hand candles, fairgrounds, fatal freefalls, and Clive Barker cameos! 3/5!

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