Screaming Soup!

P – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

PAGANINI HORROR (1989)

Needin’ a new sound to get their bitch of a manager off their back, an Italian pop band purchases a never heard sheet of music by an infamous violinist and accidentally resurrects the undead slasher when shootin’ a music video to the cursed tune at his ol’ digs. This flick starts strong, but drags midway through ‘fore wrappin’ everythin’ up with a head scratchin’ endin’ that seems to suggest Donald Pleasence is more the villain than Paganini is. There’s some sweet tunes, over the top carnage, delicious eye candy, and a memorable killer, but the story just gets too heady for its own good. Scary music video shoots, violins with trick knives, explodin’ cars, lotta excitement over mannequins, supernatural illusions, electrocutions in the bathtub, skin bubblin’ beauties covered in violin fungus, big crack traps, ghosts, stabbin’s, evil young’ns, squished funny face deaths, shockin’ force fields, bass case firetraps, glow in the dark hourglasses, and defeats by sunlight! 3/5!

THE PALE DOOR (2020)

After a train robbery goes all kinda sideways with loot that turns out to be a gal locked in a trunk, the Dalton Gang takes her home to a more than welcomin’ brothel that turns out to be a toasty buncha ceilin’ crawlin’ witches wantin’ their most baby faced gang member for some unexplained ritual. This is essentially From Dusk Til Dawn with outlaws and witches and even follows the same mid-movie flip from crime drama to an all out monster mash. But whereas From Dusk Til Dawn’s a monstrous good time of tongue in cheek gags opposite an extravaganza of special effects, The Pale Door takes itself a little too seriously despite moments that watch like theme park stage actin’. I also think the costumes and sets looks waaay too clean for a period piece in the ol’ west, but regardless of these mildly distractin’ sours, it’s an enjoyable flick overall and does its best to deliver a well rounded story full of horrific action with some heart for good measure. Slow bleedin’ out deaths, shapeshiftin’ murder of crows, train robberies, doggy style witch bangin’, creepy bulges movin’ under gals’ skin, witch burnin’s, voodoo hair dolls, mouth mutilatin’, eye gougin’, possessions, blood vomitin’, infectious witch bites, bulgin’ wounds, throat slittin’, fatal quick draws, gamblin’, farmhouse shoot ’em ups, crispy ladies birthin’ crows, witchhunts, holy ground barriers, blood doused breasts, witchy whores, maulin’, resurrections, and a fail of a wire stunt that made me feel like I was watchin’ a high school production of Peter Pan! 4/5! 

PANDAMONIUM (2020)

A slasher fer hire in a ridiculous panda/skull mask crashes a sexist law firm’s office party full of strippers and goes on a stabbin’ spree ’til we learn who (obviously) hired him and why. Nothin’ too wild or memorable ’bout this flick aside from the killer himself, but it’s an easy fun watch to pass some time. Could stand more creative kills, boobs fer all the strippers it packs in, and better color correctin’, ’cause the post work on the footage looks like shit. Neck stabbin’, corporate ladder bloodbaths, severed penises, restroom bangin’, blowjobs, head stabbin’, back stabbin’, door slammin’ decapitations with humorous stunt dummy heads, costumed themed strippers, booger sugar, and MacGuyvered weapons from office supplies! 3/5!

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN (2021)

Paranormal Activity goes Amish and bores me to tears as a gal documents her first meetin’ with a simple cousin who introduces her to the family farm she never knew she came from and its sketchy ties to a demon that could explain her mama’s absence. While the Paranormal flicks are usually engagin’ ‘nough to be mildly entertainin’, this latest entry drops the ball with lackluster characters, consistently flat tension, and muddled motives with the girl makin’ it her mission to solve the mystery of the secluded church when it doesn’t seem to have anythin’ to do with her mom’s questionable past. Biggest shock in the movie is findin’ out her Amish cousins are hidin’ Wi-Fi in their closet.  No joke! Sacrificial hidey holes, breakin’ and enterin’, Amish posers, possessin’, freezin’ young’ns, table slappin’ sing-alongs, farmland massacres, and horse violence! 2/5!

PARASITE (1982)

A runaway scientist has a government engineered parasite growin’ in his gut, and sets up shop in a motel to study a second parasite he hopes will reveal the life suckers’ weaknesses. Before he can figure out how to keep it from turnin’ him inside out, however, a gang targets the poor guy and accidentally releases the lab born creature on a feedin’ frenzy only a young Demi Moore can help stop. This is a well made 3D flick for the drive-in, but the main actor just isn’t all that compellin’ and doesn’t have much of a screen presence. His lemon farmin’ co-star Demi Moore does, however, which makes me wish the parasite killed the scientist off first, so she could be the star fightin’ this thing with government agents after both of them. Lasers, attempted rape, folks with the life sucked out of them, gut burstin’ effects, ceilin’ crawlin’ puppets, slick wheels of the future, deadly tricks up agents’ sleeves, impalements, damsel in distress rescues, explosions, soundwave defenses, creature drool, and parasites bustin’ out of people’s faces! 3/5!

PARASITE DOLLS aka DANGEROUS WORRY DOLLS (2008)

After Full Moon hottie, Jessica Morris, begs a worry doll to make her unforgivin’ stint in prison more tolerable, the novelty trinket camps in her forehead and possesses her to go to war with her prison bullies and crooked warden. This is actually better than expected with terrific cinematography, convincin’ actors, and a solid story that gives us a heroine worth rootin’ for. You have to be a little forgivin’ for the logic behind the worry doll itself, however, and I can’t believe director Charles Band managed to make a caged women flick with no boobs! Hands in garbage disposals, arm breakin’, semi-possessions, monstrous foreheads, electro-shock, prison rape porn, sex switch surprises, and Jessica Morris with a strap-on! 4/5!

PARTY BUS TO HELL (2017)

Cultists hi-jack a party bus full of horny yahoos lookin’ to get wasted at Burnin’ man and strand them in the desert to fend off a literal blood orgy of homicidal Mad Max wannabes lookin’ for their chosen one to bring the end of the world. Best described as dirty fun, this low budget flick’s impressively shot with some competent actin’ and nuggets of clever story twists but didn’t want to be more than an ‘cuse to film a bunch of naked goth chicks rollin’ on top of each other. The sweet and sour is one and the same with Tara Reid makin’ a two minute cameo I still ain’t sure has anything to do with the rest of the movie! Monstrous sex transformations, topless girls galore, blood drench orgies, eye gougin’, bullets to the chest, evisceration, bangin’ in the luggage compartment with boobs, boobs wrapped in snakes, hippie roadkill, floatin’ heads, stabbin’s, skin jumpin’ tattoos, explodin’ dogs, CGI blood splurts, folks cut in half, mummy ambushes with boobs, girlie photoshoots, neck bitin’, hangin’s, deepthroatin’ snakes, dark magic births, paper mache bug hats, and decapitated motorboatin! 3/5! 

PARTY HARD DIE YOUNG (2018)

A gang of Austrian graduates sail to party island to celebrate their freedom from academia, but the fun’s crashed by a killer in a shitty homemade mask who’s wantin’ ’em pay for past sins. This is a decent flick overall with beautiful people havin’ a non-stop rave in a gorgeous location, but once the killer’s motives are revealed, I immediately wash my hands of the protagonists and abandon all investment in the story. Fatal freefall, impalement, party fouls, non-graphic bottles up asses, bottles forced down throats, sunk doofuses, BTW party queens, stabbin’s, roofied drinks, gang rape, and rough games of truth or dare! 3/5!

PATCHWORK (2015)
Three kidnapped gals escape a Re-Animator wannabe who stitches them together into one non-sense body, and they plot revenge against him as well as every other guy who’s crossed them in their lives. An overall fun mad science flick, this movie sports likable characters, a plot that never gets borin’, a respectable amount of gore, and some really nice twists that elevates the story to a whole new level by the end. Only thing I would like to have seen is the three actresses takin’ turns actin’ as the walkin’ she-quilt instead of it always bein’ the one chick. Just to freak with the audience, you know? And I gotta point out the three personalities in one brain thing doesn’t make a lick of sense unless the doctor combined their brains which was completely unnecessary as viewers learn by the end. Hogtied pick-up artists, human waste bins, hit and dissects, frat house massacres, homicidal club crashin’, Frankenstein sex with limbs flyin’ off, Re-Animator serum, lab monster mayhem, power saw fightin’, do-it-yourself lobotomies, and gunshots to the chest! 4/5!

PEARL (2022)

Learn the tragic origins of X‘s killer wrinkle and see the homicidal lengths Pearl takes to escape her life on the family farm in 1918 whether that be by hostile affairs of the heart or throat slittin’ dance competitions. The prequel no one saw comin’, this inappropriately chucklin’ homage to early 20th century movies does a great job bein’ a stand alone watch without its viewers needin’ to know anythin’ ’bout the nutty events in X. Mia Goth is front and center throughout, deliverin’ a character driven smorgasbord of a performance that brilliantly gives me mixed feelin’s fer Pearl as an underdog dreamer with a twisted soul I sympathize fer and am disgusted by at the same time. A unique breed of horror, Pearl has a permanent residence in my noodle forever and always now. Slowly rottin’ pig dinners, suffocatin’, human matchsticks, stabbin’s galore, antique skin flicks, severed head flingin’, bodily dismemberin’ with an axe, duck killin’, gator feedin’, scarecrow humpin’, dead dinner parties, and one of the longest most painful smiles EVER committed to celluloid! 4/5!

PERNICIOUS (2014)

As soon as three American chicks get off the plane in Thailand to work with young’ns, they’re immediately haunted by a pissed off eye sore they find in their new home called a kuman thong. These horror décors are dead young’ns encased in gold for good luck, but this one wasn’t exactly a willin’ participant and lookin’ to dish out some hurt for what happened to her. Beautifully shot and scored with bodacious girls and convincin’ moments of gore, I love the filmmakers for introducin’ me to an all new kind of supernatural terror based on a true ass practice of the macabre. The only distractin’ thing that bothers me is how the movie plays like an A-grade film, but the girls look and feel like they belong in a B-movie. Torture, possessions, severed toes, guttin’, possessed suicides, ghost girls, witches, head bashin’, tongue rippin’, victims force fed their own eyeballs, slit throats, stabbin’s, and underwear models in the shower! 3/5!

PET SEMETARY (2019)

When a doctor’s young’n is taken from him by high speed textin’ and drivin’, he refuses to say good-bye and uses cursed Indian grounds behind his house to resurrect her with violent consequences. The latest in a line of Stephen King redux, this remake essentially follows the same beats as the ’89 version but is a bizarro version with most situations and actions flipped to keep it “unexpected.” I think the film looks great and has a compellin’ cast of actors, but the whole thin’ of characters bein’ haunted by ghosts from their pasts feels too disconnected from the plot, and the pacin’ of the family’s reunion with their daughter seems rushed ‘stead of impactful. Half severed ankles, roadkill kitty, hamburger hit and run victims, roofies, fucked up spines, dumb waiter jump scares, dead critter parades, grave robbin’, cursed burials, cat scratchin’, demonically possessed resurrections, worst birthday parties EVER, house burnin’, stabbin’s, clumsy ballerinas, a nice cover of the Ramones theme song for the original flick, and one mean pussy who proves practical pets are scarier than any CGI critter! 3/5! 

PETRIFIED (2006)

A life suckin’ space mummy is stirred up after a black market deal goes wrong and chases an undercover agent into a clinic studyin’ nymphos for clues to immortality. While the concept for this Full Moon flick sounds really fun, the pace and energy of the film is a little lackluster and ultimately leaves you wishin’ for a lot more alien action and nymphomania. Killer e.t. hands, lesbo make-out sessions, ageless Asians, fewer boobs than expected for a story about nymphos, folks literally scared stiff, and one of the easiest monster defeats ever captured on celluloid with a bag of salt! 2/5! 

PHANTOM RACER (2009)

By a cosmic coinkydink, an ex-racer turned guilt-ridden trucker happens to breakdown in his home town the same time his ol’ dead rival’s racecar is rebuilt with his road ragin’ spirit behind the wheel for some supernatural payback. Above average entertainment for a Syfy flick with a compellin’ performance from B.J. of B.J. and the Bear, this horror on wheels is a nice find for fans of killer cars, but it does ultimately play like a Hallmark movie with its plot of a big fish come back to their roots where some unresolved romance might just sucker ’em into stickin’ ’round. Not to say there ain’t plenty of death and gore to tickle yer sick fancy, but that barely escalates much less move the story ‘long ’til three different show stoppin’ confrontations ‘tween B.J. and the haunted Hot Wheel are played back to back at the very end. Decapitatin’ windows, street racin’, racecar wrecks, baby daddy drama, pyro car stunts, nods to Christine, nods to Greg Evigan’s TV career, blood soakin’ paint jobs, roadkill law officials, burnin’ rubber facials, folks chewed in half by car trunks, suffocattin’ seatbelts, juvenile vandalism, flamin’ deaths, car chases, impalement, and impounded evil! 4/5! 

PHANTASM: RAVAGER (2016)

We pick up where Phantasm: Oblivion left off and find Reggie stuck ping-pongin’ through time and space in what could be described as Vanilla Sky meets Quantum Leap while searching for his friends, Mike and Jody, before the Tall Man takes over the world. I appreciate the filmmakers giving us a fresh take on the series with this trippy story Reggie has to fight through to figure out what’s real or not, but I’ve been dying to see the Phantasm war they’ve been building up to since almost the beginning of the series, and we don’t get much of that ’til the last little bit of the movie. The use of CGI certainly expanded the Tall Man’s universe with the apocalyptic scenes, but they really should have stuck with Christmas tree ornaments on fishing lines for the ball gags. All in all, it’s a fun ride with returning cast members and monsters continuing one of our favorite movie series that defies genre. Balls killing horses, bed and ball deaths, Reggie love tunes, desert highway action, dwarf on dwarf violence, rod traps, suicidal dwarf bombers, sea of Tall Men, giant balls, ‘Cudas, and drives into the sunset like Mad Max! 4/5! 

THE PHOENIX TAPES ’97 (2016)

Based on the disappearance of campers durin’ the infamous Phoenix Lights phenomenon of 1997, four ramblers take their RV for a spin in the desert lookin’ for a fishin’ hole when they see a nutty light show and begin to suspect somethin’ big and foreign is stalkin’ them. This found footage flick makes a good effort to be as authentic feelin’ as it can, but it could stand more cohesion ‘mong all the B-roll moments leadin’ up to the e.t. scenes which are few and far between. The filmmakers certainly could have taken more time to develop the characters we’re supposed to give two shits ’bout when they’re runnin’ through darkness longer than my attention span can tolerate. Shootin’ star light shows, guys in e.t. suits, peek-a-boo aliens, government cover-ups, somethin’ I think are e.t. eggs, and saucers! 2/5!

PICK ME UP (2006)

Two different serial killers find themselves competin’ for victims on a remote stretch of highway, and it all breaks bad when they fight over who gets to kill Fairuza Balk. A great story with an excellent cast of characters from director Larry Cohen, this Masters of Horror mini-flick has it all with contrastin’ rivalries, big action sequences, and pops of gore underlined with a wicked sense of humor like a killer stranglin’ a motorist with a snake which I’ve never seen ‘fore! Heads crushed in luggage compartments, gals tied to trees with barbwire, carved up ladies on vibratin’ beds, meathooked blondes, bodies ditched in ditches, medical posers, jackknifed trucks, fellas flyin’ through windshields, street brawlin’, needles full of air, law official posers, and heads bounced off dashboards! 5/5!

PIECES (1982)

A boy hacks up his mama for taking away his favorite porno puzzle and grows up to be a chainsaw slasher on campus. Only the luckiest dweeb between the sheets ever committed to celluloid and a tennis star turned undercover cop have any hope of stopping the killer before he hacks enough body parts for stitching together a new mommy for himself. One of the best ’80s slashers I’ve seen, this just gives you a perfect mixture of equally good and bad moments that make it a lot of fun to watch with plenty of boobs, gore, and engaging characters. Porno puzzles, shower scenes, Bluto look-alikes, random kung-fu fights, girls chainsawed in half, arms chainsawed, hellevators, decapitations, leg warmer dance routines, waterbed drownings, date drugs, spin-action bookshelves, living rag-dolls, and death crotch grabs! 5/5!

PILGRIM (2019)

When a rebellious teen breaks a wishbone hopin’ somethin’ would ruin her family’s Thanksgivin’, her nightmare comes true as supposed pilgrim reenactors are invited to stay in their home for a traditional turkey day celebration that builds like an Adult Swim gag to an unsettlin’ feast. This Into the Dark flick is weird as all get out with more than one over the top moment and some wacky camera work but fortunately never goes full blown Mother! kinda non-sense. Aside from the cartoony antics committed by the unexplained Mayflower maniacs, the best part is the tough-to-like bitch of a daughter constantly speakin’ the audience’s mind everytime she bends an oblivious parent’s ear to how fucked up this whole situation is ‘fore everythin’ breaks bad. Crow stompin’, impaled heads, blood vomittin’ galore, poison berries, overnight shack buildin’, weaponized heads, cannibal dinners, pool dunkin’, brandin’, whippin’, and axes to the face! 4/5! 

PIN (1988)

A creepy film that’s finally being discovered after all these years, this is a bit more of a dramatic thriller than a horror. Like following a Batman villain’s origin story, we watch a poor deluded kid be raised to believe his father’s medical dummy, Pin, is real and develops an unhealthy attachment to it into adulthood. Before long, people want to separate the 2, but the boy hears Pin advising him to chop up anyone who dares try. Extremely low body count, twists and turns you see coming a mile away, and you get to see a female nurse fuck Pin on the examination table! 4/5!

PIRANHA (1995)

Before Piranha 3D remade Joe Dante’s masterpiece ’bout killer sea critters eatin’ river tourists, Roger Corman had already updated the ’78 classic for the ’90s couch potato with a handful of familiar TV talents lookin’ for a handout. Repeatin’ the original Piranha plot nearly beat for beat (with a bunch of recycled piranha clips to save special effects costs), the Greatest American Hero and one of the Baywatch babes accidentally release mutant piranhas into a mountain river and risk their skin to rescue swimmers from bein’ chewed to death. If I gotta pick, I prefer the original Piranha. This version just lacks that campy charm and chemistry among the characters that make the first one so much fun to watch again and again. The only thing I’ll be rewatchin’ here are the bikini babes. Ski or die scenes, explodin’ jet skis, eaten arms, chewed up tourists galore, sidearm suicides, cryin’ young’ns, suspicious dwarf clowns, bikini ceremonies, nude death scenes with enormous flotation devices, skinny dippin’, offscree skeletons, nutty scientists, lab brawls, jeep wrecks, smelt defenses, jailbreaks, bloody waters, and one dead dog! 3/5!

PIRANHA WOMEN (2022)

A doctor is turnin’ women into flesh hungry piranha mutants to cure their cancer, and one of their boyfriends ain’t too happy ’bout it. A fun collaboration ‘tween Full Moon Empire and director/writer Fred Olen Ray, this flick has a lean runtime but packs that hour with plenty of topless monsters gettin’ down and gory with above average production value. The only real sour that sticks out to me is the poor chemistry ‘mong its wooden cast who could stand to be a lot livelier fer this kinda schlock. Monstrous transformations, steamy pools, fatal nookie, mince meat chests, chomp happy boobies, bullets to the chest, mutant meltdowns, and electrified pools! 3/5! 

PIRANHACONDA (2012)

A new race of evolutionary nightmares are slitherin’ through the jungles of Hawaii to their own theme song and interrupt kidnappers’ masterplan for ransomin’ a horror movie film crew and Dr. Michael Madsen who phones in the performance of his career. Yes, this is another one of SyFy’s many TV monsters brought to us by Roger Corman’s studio, but this cheesefest of wild kingdom hybrids is pretty damn entertainin’. If you can tolerate the inane bad guys, annoyin’ bloodbath camera filters, and the fact the CGI beasts look like cartoons right out of Roger Rabbit, then you’ll enjoy watchin’ a comedic group of filmmakers flee for their lives while random bikini bimbos take turns feedin’ the piranhacondas every few minutes. Piranhacondas vs helicopters, egg stealin’, explosions, legs bitten off, babes bitten in half, sunbathin’ beauties, Anaconda 2 nods, kidnappin’, gunshots to the foot, unnecessary cliff jumpin’, fatal pissin’, monkey gruntin’ script girls, and big breasted babes galore! 3/5!

PLAN 9 (2015)

Someone finally decides to do a remake for all the right reasons and resurrects Ed Wood’s infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space in an attempt to make it better not over. Aliens are invadin’ Earth for total takeover, and they’re reanimatin’ an army of the dead to help them unless a stupidly brave group of town folk can put an end to their diabolical plan. This flick’s an impressive cheapie that is better than the film that inspired it (widely panned as one of the worst movies ever made) but could be funnier and stand a few more original ideas be introduced. My biggest annoyance is the moments of selective bad movie parody that leaves you wonderin’ who’s actin’ like shit versus shitty actin’. Overdosed young’ns, ray guns, old man Draculas, hangin’s, crazy naked moms, head crushes, sticky walls, U.F.O. pools, stabbin’s, cop shoot-outs, long-winded doctors borin’ you to death, and cameos by Mister Lobo and the Angry Video Game Nerd! 3/5!

PLAYBACK (2012)

The first filmmaker in history drains people’s souls through cinematography and continually possesses his bloodline descendants for immortality until hitting a hiccup in his routine with his latest great-great-whatever grandson. Temporarily reincarnated through a perv cameraman, gramp’s spirit makes TV puppets of high schoolers and races to find his lost teenage vessel. A really good script that hits all the horror beats, my only criticism is wanting to see the effects pushed more and cluing the hero into what’s even happening well before the last reel. Teddy bear cams, shower cams, awkward police car interrogations, ghosts on film, skin problems, possessions, blue ball tactics, step-incest babies, TV soul capturing, know-it-all cripples, and Christian Slater as a pervy cop! 3/5!

PLEDGE (2018)

A gang of eager geeks get a taste of the party life and decide to pledge their college years to a remote social club who’s hazin’ rituals may be more sinister than the humiliatin’ fun and games they expect. This torturous initiation flick does a great job settin’ up dweebs I wanna see beat the odds, but the threatenin’ levels of hazin’ is so borderline in its severity most the time, the tension’s pretty mediocre ’til the third act. It’s nothin’ memorable (save for an unexpected twist), but worth a casual watch. Suspicious invitations, dead girls in the shower, stabbin’s, basement death matches, secret societies, brandin’, crazy clawin’ rats, leftover rat soup, hidey hole deprivation naps, nurse cosplay lap dances, fraternity parties, Tequila relief, and decapitations! 3/5! 

PLEDGE NIGHT (1988?/1990?)

When a fraternity pledge accidentally dies in a tub of acid, his hard-boiled soul climbs out the shitter decades later to exact revenge on the next generation of hardcore pledges. A horrific look at rush week that’s sure to make you cringe, my only criticism is how the ghost of Acid Sid isn’t interwoven well enough through the story, making the film feel like 2 completely different movies by the time he fully enters the picture. Fake turd meals, bug meals, branded asses, rubba-dub deaths, full grown ghost births, deaths on the shitter, nasty shakes, possessions, staged stabbings, pissed off hippies, corrosive combat, impalements, egg beaters to the face, and sword fights. 3/5!

POLAROID (2019)

A scarf lovin’ high schooler unknowingly snaps her friends’ pictures with a haunted camera and has gotta make things right ‘fore a shadowy ghost mundanely kills ’em all. Basically a Supernatural treatment of a familiar Goosebumps story, Polaroid‘s a well made flick with a neat ‘nough idea, but it’s soured by pretty unimaginative scares and kills (save one fella gettin’ split in half), the last girl’s tragic backstory meanin’ nothin’ to the overall story, and a criminal lack of chemistry ‘mong the core teens. Most memorable scenes to take away from this are the one’s with folks gettin’ fucked up whenever their voodoo cursed photos are messed with. Slideshow scares, psycho dads, paranormal stabbin’s, costume parties, killer karma, cop sluggin’, head twistin’, bogus scares galore, short pissin’ time stints, hospital hangin’s, and near fatal human matchsticks! 3/5!

PONTYPOOL (2008)

The folks of a map speck called Pontypool are makin’ national headlines as a verbally transmitted virus turns them into riotin’ cannibal babblers. The world’s only contact within the epidemic is a talk radio station where a velvet voice cowboy DJ and his handlers struggle to report what’s happenin’ before bein’ ripped to shreds or turned into linguistic zombies themselves. Drawin’ obvious inspiration from Orson Well’s original War of the Worlds radio broadcast, this language lover’s cerebral horror flick is an excellent exercise in effective and entertainin’ filmmakin’ on a budget. A tight group of actors, one set, limited interaction with the chaos outside the station that’s perfectly built up by on scene accounts over the phone, and Stephen McHattie successfully carries this film as the story’s central DJ character. Fake radio choppers, worst field reporters ever, sneaky doctors, blood vomitin’, Lawrence of Arabia tunes, nonsense, evil word combos, zombie herds, face bashin’, missin’ cats, and novel ways for makin’ zombies without a lot of explanation! 4/5! 

POOKA (2018)

A strugglin’ actor gets a gig makin’ exclusive appearances as the holiday season’s hottest new toy, Pooka, but things get weird when the mascot uniform starts fuckin’ with his head with trippy visions headin’ for a homicidal turn. While this flicks starts off on a promisin’ boot I hoped would be somethin’ ’bout evil corporations ruinin’ young’ns lives like in Halloween III, it quickly detours into one of them pointless artsy metaphor kinda flicks where everythin’s an inconsequential dream in the actor’s head to help him cope/remember/fight to forget what an asshole he is in real life after destroyin’ some folks’ lives. Without more cues regardin’ his real life for a more meaningful comparison, the twist endin’ falls miserably flat and leaves me feelin’ like I wasted my time. The only memorable thin’ you’ll take away from this is Pooka doin’ the dirty between the sheets for a brief second, and a tasteful shot of the actor masterbatin’ in the corner while wearin’ the Pooka mask. 2/5!

POOKA LIVES! (2020)

Into the Dark’s first sequel, a spiteful writer and his friends create a new creepypasta-like challenge with the Pooka doll based on its creator’s murder-suicide and unwittingly manifest a murderous world-wide booga-boo through the web’s unwaverin’ belief in it. Racin’ to reverse what they’ve done, things ain’t any easier as the internet adds more grisly details that make the legend more dangerous everyday. By far, this is the best flick I’ve seen from Into the Dark. It’s funny, easy to follow, the characters gel well together and are likable, and there’s a lotta of cool monster action with some creative entrances like the datin’ app and bedroom lightshow. Sooo much better than that emo head trip bullshit the first movie was. Scissors to the head, maulin’s, parkin’ lot assaults, vandalism, stabbin’s, eggin’s, ash eatin’, dancin’, hell holes in unbelievably well kept abandoned homes, endin’s that feel like the filmmakers ran outta money, and Wil Wheaton shows up long ‘nough to be killed! 5/5!

THE POOL (2020)

While a fella takes a snooze in an abandoned 20 foot pool that’s nothin’ but deep end, nobody tells him it’s bein’ drained, and he ends up trapped at the bottom for days with his poor dog chained above, and a hungry CGI croc tryin’ to eat him and his dumb ass girlfriend who falls in later. One of ’em single location survival flicks, this is well made overall, but two sours make me absolutely hate it. One, the filmmakers never give a definitive sense of the geography, so there’s a lot of frustration over the fella not explorin’ every nook and cranny of this pool I’m thinkin’ could mean escape. Two, (spoiler here), the girlfriend makes me boilin’ mad when she first takes a plunge off the divin’ board without realizin’ how low the water is and accidentally gets the dog killed after the pup survives alotta near misses! Barbwire climbin’, broken leg falls, croc egg stealin’ and eatin’, tunnel rat action, near drownin’s, couch defenses, heads split on the divin’ board, duct tape galore, hung hounds, snatchin’ crap outta croc’s mouths, leg chompin’, impalin’, dehydration, baby daddy drama, and croc punchin’ with fists of barbwire! 3/5!

PORNO (2019)

Holy rollin’ teens workin’ at a small town theater in the ’90s discover a hidden movie screen and accidentally release a succubus from a satanic porno reel wantin’ to blow their junk off if it can’t bang ’em into an orgasmic massacre. A thoroughly entertainin’ flick from beginnin’ to end, this horny horror boasts a convincin’ ensemble of likable characters and wince worthy gore, but fumbles a little with its stop-go climax. It could really stand more exposition to better explain the origins of the abandoned skin flick wing and the rantin’ hobo’s confusin’ agenda with it, and suspension of disbelief be damned anyone’s runnin’ ’round so easily after their nads explode. Copyright movie workarounds, peepin’ toms, peein’ fetishes, shapeshiftin’, blood vomitin’, bangin’ with boobs, offscreen gay sex, interdimensional jumps, demonic possessions, satanic rituals, chest carvin’, full frontal seduction, finger suckin’, dong close-up, graphic popped nut surgery, cursed flicks, flamin’ buckets of severed penises, and secret hidey holes! 4/5!

THE POSSESSION EXPERIMENT (2016)

Goin’ all out for a school project, a handful of morbidly curious college students raise money online to fund a livestream experiment testin’ the legitimacy behind demon possessions with one of them as a willin’ vessel. ‘course, a demonic force jumps on the offer and sends the yahoo on a Freddy Krueger killin’ spree while his buddies grab the nearest priest they can find for an exorcism. The camera work is very ambitious, and there’s some nice pops of gore here and there, but these sweets are unfortunately soured by a slow talkin’ lead with as much star power as spoiled milk, a bit of a convoluted backstory, and a pacin’ that eventually gets ahead of itself at the cost of some meaningful scenes that could have developed the characters more. Great effort, but the devil’s in the details. X-acto knife fingers, disembowelment, possessions, hidey hole ouija boards, vomittin’, satanic cults, what I think is a possessed off-camera rape scene, scared mediums, demonic pregnancies, exorcist massacres, swat teams forced to shoot themselves in the head, moms rippin’ their own jaws off, and Bill Moseley shoutin’ exorcist rites like Chop Top! 3/5!

THE POSSESSION OF HANNAH GRACE (2018)

The fucked up corpse of a demonically possessed girl who didn’t survive her exorcism ends up at the morgue and is gonna make human pretzels out of the graveyard shift unless an ex-cop can figure out what’s even happenin’. The actin’, cinematography, suspense, and story is all there for what promises to be a good horror movie, but I’m just disappointed with everything to do with the demonic stuff that never feels like enough of a payoff. I’m also baffled by the editin’ goin’ to shit at the end with the pacin’ resemblin’ someone’s quickie flashback. Homicidal hobos, folks twisted onto invisible crosses, demonic bon fires, broken necks, light sensor scares, hand blower scares, screwy electronics, morgue drawer escapes, Spider-Man crawlin’ demons, parkin’ garage deaths, demonic resurrections through murder, and folks bein’ supernaturally slung through the air! 3/5! 

THE PREDATOR (2018)

A U.S. soldier snags a crashed Predator’s sci-fightin’ weapons after the e.t. kills his squad and vows revenge with help from a busload of military loonies. As a modest fan of the Predator movie series, I’m tellin’ ya right now, this flick is fuckin’ awesome! Chock full of popcorn action, dirty laughs, top notch effects and characters you can’t get enough of, this is like watchin’ the A-Team escape One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to fight e.ts of all sizes on Halloween night with a dash of Star Kid for good measure! I’m also happy the filmmakers are still usin’ guys in amazin’ monster suits and reservin’ the CGI shitfest for effects that really couldn’t be achieved any other way. Loved every second! Escaped mental patients, crash landin’ spaceships, explodin’ houses, severed arms, euthanized casualties, CGI predator dog fights, autistic math whizzes with dirty mouths, hardcore trick ‘r treatin’, explodin’ spaceships, impalin’, e.t. matchsticks, Johnny Got His Gun injuries, forcefield injuries, soldiers cut in half, turbine suicides, disembowelin’, accidental head explosions, gene spliced super Predators, Tums poppin’ galore, invisible ball poopin’, random Earth dogs that come and go without injury, secret lab massacres, cybernetic cosplay, and Thomas Jane spits some of the funniest Tourettes I’ve ever heard this side of the grave! 5/5!

PREHISTORIC BIMBOS IN ARMAGEDDON CITY (1991)

This flick is essentially the high school production of Robot Holocaust with young girls throwin’ on fur to playfight cosplay wizards and warlords for control of Armageddon City in the apocalyptic future. Only with enough childish imagination can you see past this flick’s nonexistent budget and overlook its inane editin’, abysmal actin’, entire albums of classical stock music playin’ over every scene, zip audio equipment, no boobs, bare minimal bloodshed, and inconsistencies out the ass for an apocalyptic settin’! The only thing that makes this slightly worth while to watch are the garage built robots, mascot aliens, and a duel on bicycles you have to see to disbelieve. Cyborgs, e.t. farm massacres, robotic claws, bad ass scientists, and Alien Halloween props! 1/5!

PRETTY FINE THINGS (2016)

Needin’ a place for a Halloween bash, a coven of sorority witches unknowingly rent a house from their town’s most wanted serial killers who decide to crash the party and use their beautiful corpses to continue foolin’ their blind father mama’s still alive. Respectably shot with nice settin’s and a fair amount of eye candy, I’ll easily give the filmmakers an A for effort, but this homemade flick suffers from a lack of convincin’ actors, thoughtful castin’, sensible killers, and camerawork that tries way to hard to be cinematic sometimes. The only thin’ that makes this stands out is the unexpected zombie witches gettin’ their revenge on the killers at the end. Stabbin’s, kidnappin’, old blindmen havin’ trippy visions, necromantics, family reunions, basements full of dead girls, Halloween parties, witch circle rituals, G. I. Psychos, and masked murderers! 3/5!

THE PREY (1983)

A gang of interchangeable yahoos hike a mountain trail fer some outdoor nookie while bein’ stalked by a disembodied heartbeat that waits ’til the last possible second to reveal itself as a half melted gypsy hellbent on senseless slaughter and non-consensual baby makin’. A lazy exploitation of the original slasher boom, this campin’ trip from hell ain’t all I hoped it would be. There’s gallons of pissin’ time with one note folks aimlessly walkin’ the woods and playin’ banjos, buncha super close-ups of critters drivin’ home the predator metaphors, blips of scenes that have to be accidental edits, unsolicited backstories, and a music budget just big ‘nough to purchase one orchestral suite to jazz up the credits. Bring a book when watchin’ this flick! Hikin’ galore, head twistin’, storytime with does, sunbathin’, flash o’ boobs in a sleepin’ bag, fatal mountain climbin’ freefalls, suffocatin’ with sleepin’ bags, throat rippin’, blood gurglin’ choke-outs, decapitations with an axe, booby trappin’, buzzard feedin’ body piles, head slammin’, and fights that resemble backyard wrasslin’! 2/5!

PRIMAL (2010)

A gang of friends pitch camp in an ancient corner of the Australian wilderness to enjoy some cave paintings, but a dip in the nearby waterin’ hole turns a couple of ’em into fangled tooth, flesh eatin’ ferals roundin’ up decayin’ leftovers for horny CGI tentacles. This zombie-ish flick from down under works on a lot of levels from its top-notch cinematography to its solid actin’, but it feels underperformed. I think it needs to either be funnier or scarier, the feral transformations should be more monstrous than a sharp pair of dentures, and the story sorely lacks a central character for me to anchor any emotions or tension to. However, there are some hysterically memorable scenes that make those sours tolerable, like fake-as-shit lookin’ critters bein’ killed, and a gal gettin’ ridiculously dry humped by a railroadin’ cartoon slug. Tire eatin’ animated dots that are supposed to be insects, skinny dippin’ with leech covered boobs, unnecessary insert shots of upcomin’ scenes, monster matin’ rituals, euthanasia chicken, throat bitin’, disembowelment, body rippin’, corpse dissolvin’, cavewall tentacles with a taste for the bottom halves of corpses, prego horror, squid baby abortions, head crushin’ with rocks, claustrophobia, goofy lookin’ dead rabbits and kangaroos, back breakin’, ol’ fashion torch defenses, and monster rape! 3/5! 

PRISON OF THE DEAD (2000)

A prank goes horribly wrong as a gang of rich douche bags play with an Ouija board in an abandoned prison and release a gaggle of ghost witches playin’ possessed leap frog while outrunnin’ their undead executioners. I gotta give major points for such a fresh story with a lot of promise, but this Full Moon flick unfortunately falls flat due to lame duck characters you don’t give two shits about and blatant missed opportunities for boobs and gore. Possessions, grave escapin’ zombies without an appetite for flesh, old school beatin’s, stabbin’s, witchy chants, séances, fake funerals, dungeons, and throat slittin’! 3/5!

PRISON SHIP aka STAR SLAMMER aka STAR SLAMMER: THE ESCAPE (1986)

In a far flung future, an ex-miner plots her escape from space after bein’ wrongly sentenced to hard time on a cramp little prison ship full of feisty caged women under the watch of a masochistic warden and her torture happy crew. A women in prison flick set in outer space from B movie favorite Fred Olen Ray sounds like an awesome time to turn yer noodle off fer, but this sucker unfortunately fails to match my enthusiasm. Despite its respectable production value, it fails to give me a heroine with any substance much less character development to break her out from the rest of her one note cellmates and horribly squanders its more engagin’ heavies in one forgettable scene after ‘nother. This should be waaay more fun that it is with more cheesy scene chewin’ dialogue, laser fightin’, and boobs thrown in, but at least I get to see the e.t. from The Deadly Spawn get recycled for a space booger the jail birds gotta fight. Space leech bitin’, whippin’, offscreen paddlin’, puppet fightin’, flash o’ boobs while gettin’ dressed, malformed hands, little person violence, cat fightin’, humorous harmonica diddies, deadly frisbee slop plates, hand severin’, explosions, dry humpin’ with motorboatin’, ghost priests, misguided holy rollers, mind control procedures, mutant rat puppets, and ittie bittie RC bots! 2/5!

PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND (2021)

When a corrupt governor’s sex slave vanishes in a nuclear pocket of limbo called the Ghostland after a joyride, he forces convict Nicolas Cage to wear a suit laced with explosives and rescue her in three days ‘fore he’s blown to pieces. I watched this noise twice and still can’t quite wrap my head ’round it. I was pumped to see this after watchin’ the trailer, but what I hoped would be a wild ride of Cage ragin’ antics turns out to be nothin’ but a buncha beautiful pictures tellin’ some wonky underwhelmin’ story that meanders its way to a copout of a finale that kinda negates what I thought the bulk of the movie was gonna be. It’s like Escape From New York if all the story and action was ‘tween Snake Plissken and Hauk at the end of the movie after the Duke just lets Snake walk out unopposed. Most memorable thang is Cage’s suit blowin’ one of his balls off with him holdin’ the bloody remains. Dong sketchin’, explodin’ arms, explodin’ nads, clock tower chaos, sword play, mannequin disguises, dead young’ns offscreen, bank robbery massacres, mutant convict ghosts, and nuclear sludge origins! 2/5! 

PRO WRESTLERS VS ZOMBIES (2014)

Avengin’ his brother’s death in the ring with The Franchise, a promoter arranges a private wrestlin’ match in an abandoned prison between his own army of yellow zombies and the man responsible with other professional wrestlers caught in the middle. I commend the filmmakers for wranglin’ talents like “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Shane Douglas, Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy, and Kurt Angle, but this disasterpiece ain’t too far above a z-grade feature with harsh lightin’, awful sound work, inconsistent wardrobe, funny book dialogue, choppy edits, high school level make-up effects, and continuity errors ‘mong the extras. I won’t lie and say I don’t find this decently fun to watch, but the filmmakers needed to decide if this is Roddy or Shane’s story and not flippantly wing the last half the movie after the script reads “wrestlers fight the zombies.” Zombie wrestlers, head bashin’, neck breakin’, family reunion neck snappin’, rolls down the hill, locker room affairs, heart eatin’, dark art rituals, giant bald heads standin’ in for the devil, kitchen chaos, mauled bands, zombie Kurt Angle, zombie Jim Duggan, zombie runs, folks ripped in half then conveniently placed behind walls, and the best part is Roddy spittin’ on a mean girl and tellin’ her to fuck herself! 2/5! 

PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995)

When government eggheads gotta figure out how to keep a new synthetic skin from turnin’ to steel, they unknowingly experiment on a corpse-icle that’s really a dormant werewolf and create an unstoppable killin’ machine wantin’ revenge on his turncoat captors. Sweet plot, sour execution. While this sucker offers a fresh new spin on lycan flicks, it’s a snooze of a story with forgettable characters doin’ alotta nothin’ ’til the werewolf finally starts huntin’ ’em in the last 30 minutes, but even that’s a buncha pissin’ time punctuated by skimpy gore. Really needs personalities worth carin’ ’bout, and the werewolf soldier’s backstory should’ve been a slowly unraveled mystery peppered through the movie to keep me engage ‘stead of a longwinded openin’ act. It’s always frustratin’ waitin’ fer characters to catch-up to what I already know’s goin’ on. Maulin’ attacks, severed arms, cursed blood injectin’, cryo prisons, silver bullet firin’, face slashin’, claws through the chest, silver tipped rocket defenses, explodin’ beasts, and Kane Hodder decked out in John Carl Buechler’s monster mutt make-up! 2/5! 

PROM NIGHT (1980)

Years after a little girl accidentally dies durin’ a messed up game of tag, the students secretly responsible are bein’ stalked by a masked killer who’s pickin’ them off one by one durin’ Hamilton High’s disco madness prom. The first in a roller coaster of a horror series, this Jamie Lee Curtis flick serves as a classic example of an old school slasher flick that does it by the numbers. Holiday themed horror, red herrin’s, tragic backstory, useless authority figures, a masked killer, folks endin’ up dead after sex, boobs, etc. I don’t think this movie’s nearly as impressive as most fans want us to believe, but it is better than most other slashers comin’ out at the time. If you’re ever bored, try comparin’ this flick to Halloween and see how many similarities there are from the story to the filmmakers involved! Escaped psychos, fatal freefalls, stabbin’s, shaggin’ wagons, historic doobies, decapitations, disco dancin’, smokin’ hotties, axe wieldin’ murderers, shards of mirrors for weapons, smokin’ in the school halls, and a serious Leslie Nielsen! 4/5!

PROM NIGHT 3: THE LAST KISS (1989)

After Alex unknowingly bangs Hamilton High’s infamous spook, Mary Lou, the she-Freddy of his wet dreams becomes a nightmare as her obsession with him leaves a trail of bodies in the name of supernatural love. The silliest of all the Prom Night movies, I personally enjoy part three’s campy humor and hammy actin’. The only true ridicule I think this deserves is how Mary borrows a little much from Freddy Krueger like burn victim backstories, boiler rooms, rubber reality gags, and she even grows a set of finger knives for slashin’ at one point! Boo bangin’, battery acid hairdos, football drill passes, dissected science teachers filled with bananas, bodies buried on the football field, heart rippin’, aerobic hell, prom of the dead, corkscrew crowns, zombie nightmares, undead classmates, electrocutin’ saw chuckin’ jukeboxes, explosions, severed fingers, ecto handjobs, magnetic tape mummies, and we learn ghosts hate flamethrowers! 4/5! 

PROM NIGHT 4: DELIVER US FROM EVIL (1992)

After bein’ roofied by the church for 30+ years, a demonically possessed slasher pastor escapes his holy captors and runs to an old hang-out that’s been unknowingly turned into a rich cat’s getaway where a gang of students skip prom to fool around. Bringin’ the Prom Night series to a more serious middle ground of old school slashers and supernatural sickos, this is one of the weakest entries in the series due to its small cast and remote location, but deserves some credit for thinkin’ up a semi-interestin’ villain, tyin’ the story back to Hamilton High somewhat, and bein’ bold enough to skip the prom scene altogether! Stigmatas, stabbin’s, holy water fires, throat slittin’, holy secrets, human matchsticks on crosses, gay chicken, pupils kissin’ elders, killers in the bed, and boobs in the shower! 3/5! 

PROM RIDE (2015)

A gang of spoiled high schoolers are headed to prom in a pimped out party wagon but get hi-jacked by a Cobra Commander thug who subjects them to sexual humiliatin’ games inspired by the Saw movies, ’cause one teeny bopper slept with the wrong tool. Even though I hate the filmmakers’ indecisive edits between found footage camerawork and legit filmmakin’ footage, and the killer’s motivation is one of the dumbest I’ve ever heard to explain this level of meditated violence on teens, this ain’t a bad flick. The overall idea’s clever, the killer’s somewhat memorable, the characters are entertainin’ eye candy, and there’s more than one laughable moment. Booby-trapped party wagons, ear piercin’ torture, revenge fucks, eye-blink boobs, singin’ promposals, Asians peein’ in buckets, lesbo kissin’, golden waterfalls, forced cross dressin’, full frontal, and shot up prom dates! 3/5!

PSYCH:9 (2010)

A troubled gal takes the graveyard shift sortin’ a buncha paperwork at a soon to be demolished hospital but after catchin’ wind of a serial killer in the area, she slowly erodes into a mental mess that takes the enjoyment of the flick ‘long with it. A whodunnit that sadly devolves into a whocares after the first 15 minutes, this is just a jump cut mess of a wheel spinnin’ narrative with an inconsistent thread tyin’ it all together. I especially ain’t fond of all the sickly overexposed blocks of film coloring that makes me think the filmmakers were tryin’ too hard to make this look and feel like a Saw movie with Cary Elwes to boot as a killer ghost or projected fantasy. Just do yerself a favor and skip this one. You’ll be glad ya did! Baby makin’ drama, confusin’ flashbacks, unreliable points of view, disjointed jumps in time, explosions, stabbin’s, sexual abuse offscreen, daddy issues, cut up ladies, maybe ghosts, and deaths by clawed hammer! 2/5!

PSYCHO COP (1989)

A devil worshippin’ psycho named Joe Vickers (who may or may not have supernatural powers) has fooled the police department into makin’ him a full fledged officer of the law and now stalks a car full of college students vacationin’ in the sticks for homicidal kicks. As much as I wanted to see this Maniac Cop knock-off for the slasher, it’s really his victims that steal the movie. They look like Archie comic wannabes crossed with Saved By the Bell, repeatedly say the same damn things 40 different ways from Sunday, and lose shit the whole movie like you wouldn’t believe! They lose the same hair brush multiple times, toothbrushes, beer . . . but even more unbelievable is how the movie never officially blames Vickers for these lost items, so I guess it’s just some weird character quirk these yahoos share for losin’ stuff. Neck snappin’, axes to the chest and head, backwoods crucifixions, roadkill bimbos, bullets to the chest, cop on cop violence, drinkin’ ‘n drivin’, and superhuman impalement! 3/5! 

PSYCHO COP RETURNS (1993)

So, now it’s official Officer Vickers has some kinda satanic healin’ powers as a devil lovin’ serial killer and returns with a softcore twist as he follows desk jockeys back to their high-rise office to breakup their bachelor party full of dirty women. While I consider the first Psycho Cop so-bad-it’s-good, this is a guilty pleasure example of a good bad flick. From the exaggerated camerawork to the larger than life characters, this delivers the one-two punch of blood and boobs I expect from a low-budget schlockbuster and keeps me highly entertained to the metal thrashin’ end. Indestructible free falls down elevator shafts, fatal skyscraper free falls, topless dancers, disarmin’ faxes, devil’s lettuce, eye gougin’, double impalement, interoffice fornicatin’ with boobs, stabbin’s, axes to the back, gunshots to the noggin’, stag films, neck snappin’, workin’ girl slappin’, lynch mobs, street justice, and Julie Strain in a sexy pair of chaps! 3/5!

PSYCHO GOREMAN (2020)

An egomaniacal brat and her brother find the most evil bein’ in the universe buried in their backyard, and with this e.t.’s power source in their possession, they force him to be their new best friend while cartoony forces from space converge on Earth to purge his tyrannical presence once and for all. Best described as Power Rangers with extreme gore borrowin’ plot lines from Star Kid and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, this sucker checks all the boxes as a fun mishmash of monster suit brawlin’ and over the top humor in the vein of Adult Swim with twisted spins on the few tender moments it can bring itself to muster. While it ain’t exactly a sour, I gotta admit I was thrown off by how unphased the young’ns are to everyone’s misfortune from their best friend gettin’ turned into a giant rubber brain to the cop meltin’ into a loyal ice cream cone in front of ’em. It’s all for a laugh, I know, but that lack of humanity leaves me feelin’ like the filmmakers couldn’t decide just how good or bad these young’ns are despite their self indulgin’ obliviousness. Monster mashin’ bloodbaths, head to toe consumption, meat box deaths, interstellar kidnappin’, Easter egg dye elixirs, robot transformations, human disguises, crazy ball, winner takes all tournaments, explodin’ bodies, music video montages, rubber puppet monsters, e.t.s galore, livin’ deaths, grisly wall art, organ donor swords, giant alien attacks, telekinesis, epic flashbacks, bullets to the head, suicidal love letters, deadbeat dads, and head rippin’! 5/5! 

PSYCHO SANTA (2003)

To pass the time durin’ a holiday road trip with his wife, a yahoo suspiciously recounts the detailed history of a local backwoods psycho who killed folks while dressed as Santa. Featurin’ the hallmarks of a homemade horror flick from bad actin’ to low-def audio/video quality as well as pissin’ time to boot of characters aimlessly wanderin’ the boonies, this cheap holiday slasher still manages to impress me with good editin’, noticeable attempts at cinematic camerawork, and thoughtfully laid music tracks. The story structure’s wonky but forgivable, and I can’t help but wonder if this is the director’s first time workin’ with naked gals given how laughably long he lingers on ’em in their birthday suits. Tom and Jerry antics in a junkyard, vehicular breakdowns, back stabbin’s, gift wrapped body parts, lingerie dancin’, close ups of pierced body parts, boobs in the shower, throat slashin’, miniature house infernos, Santa killin’, machete slashin’, young’n killin’, home invadin’, drownin’, unnecessary self sacrificin’, weaknesses fer Silent Night Holy Night, interrogatin’, and the most ridiculously longwinded death of a gal reconnecting a landline phone ’til her dyin’ breath! 2/5! 

PSYCHO SCARECROW (1996)

Two detectives investigate a woman’s fatal freefall from a CGI high-rise and find her taped confession revealin’ she was killed by a dead buddy of hers turned vengeful straw man after she helped ditch his corpse in a cursed cornfield for bein’ a pesty peepin’ tom. Ambitious Z grade filmmakin’ to say the least, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a shot on video indie with so much CGI ‘fore from a buncha sweepin’ aerial shots and scenery fabrication to the one comic-bookish moment of the pumpkin headed killer ridin’ a bike like a bat outta hell. I can forgive this earnestly made flick fer its draggin’ story, Party City-bought slasher costume, and packin’ all the wonderfully homemade gore in the last few minutes, but tarnations — why is the background noise so LOUD and persistent in this sucker?! The non-stop chirps of birds and crickets drown everythin’ out fer most the runtime! Drinkin’ game every time someone says “cornfield”, gory head smashin’, stabbin’, Scooby-Doo monster chasin’, explosions, fatal green screen freefalls, barely qualifyin’ monstrous transformations, cursed land jibber jabber, and car battery chuckin’! 2/5!

PSYCHO SLEEPOVER (2008)

An ’80s high school chick known for killing her psycho axe wielding boy friend (“Ex-boyfriend!”) is invited to a sleepover full of twists and turns the same night 40 insaniacs escape the loony bin and prowl the streets for new victims. An understated Troma movie that deserves more buzz, this works on a lot of levels from its laugh out loud dialogue, mish mash plot borrowing from classic slasher films, and entertaining actors ranging from decent to pretty damn good. Would love to see this re-made with a bigger budget. Cross dressers, slasher clowns, throats slit, death by motorboatin’, vigilante horn dog doctors, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood nods, Sleepaway Camp cameos, decapitations, stabbin’s, boobs, dick on a stick, masturbation galore, travelin’ roleplayin’, Eskimo kisses, girl on cross dresser action, dick necklaces, hands in blenders, shotguns to the face, heart rippin’, and Lloyd Kaufman cameos! 3/5!

PTERODACTYL WOMAN FROM BEVERLY HILLS (1996)

Beverly D’Angelo goes dino shit crazy as she’s cursed to become a pterodactyl woman on weekends after her husband pisses off a shaman for disturbing sacred bones. This cinematic oddity has some interestin’ moments that are worthy of a view, but as a whole, its story is a little all over the place, it feels like it has multiple endings, and seems indecisive as to what genre its trying to tackle, juggling family comedy and what the fuck raunch. Spastic spread eagle aerobics, men changed into lizards, pterodactyl men cannonballs, fish eye lens galore, sex with pterodactyl women, Beverly in the shower, dino bigots, airplanes chasing pterodactyls in the city, schizo government agents, whole fish eaten raw, and dino shrieking galore! 2/5!

PULSE (1988)

A “voice in the wires” possesses the electrical wirin’ of little Joey Lawrence’s home without any explanation, and he’s gotta convince his pop to send him back to his mom’s or get the hell outta Dodge before they’re all killed by berserk appliances. I’m a little annoyed by the nearly non-existent kill count and at the filmmakers refusin’ to even suggest what the threat might be, but this flick looks great, it boasts some pretty creative shots for representin’ the evil’s possession of the house, and the cast does a great job keepin’ up the unrelentin’ tension. Impaled heads, G.I.Joe toys, sad skate boardin’, investigative home invasions, demolished makeovers, garbage disposal scares, skin cookin’ showers, lamp throwin’, power tool possessions, near fatal bolt shootin’, broken gas lines, overactive AC units, cellar death traps, wonky TVs, garage death traps, and a funny ol’ Cassandra figure for a bogus scare who’s actually the best part of the movie! 3/5! 

PUPPET MASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH (2018)

Decades after a Nazi toymaker named Toulon is gunned down by police for dealin’ in killer puppets and torture, fans of the macabre meet at a hotel convention to buy and sell the remainin’ puppets from his infamous collection. Before anyone can put in the first bid, however, Toulon speaks to his creations from the grave and commands them to kill anyone offendin’ the Third Reich’s sensibilities. Since the Puppet Master series has been stuck in World War II their last three movies, I can only guess this rowdy gang of Texan filmmakers got fed up and took it upon themselves to throw cash at Full Moon Empire for the right to reboot their favorite mascots for more modern mayhem. That said, I don’t mind the changes made to shake things up. Toulon’s and the puppets are just straight up evil with Toulon lookin’ like a cooked weenie, there’s no elixir, the puppets are mass produced with several versions of familiar faces in addition to a small army of new characters, and the gore is as over the top as the promos promise (though roughly executed at times). The biggest sour I have with this flick is its performances and editin’ which only musters as much energy as a Zoloft commercial, robbin’ this thing of any fun. And don’t expect the puppets to display any individual characteristics in this, ’cause they’re strictly home built weapons instead of reincarnated spirits of folks Toulon knew. Decapitations, impalements, stabbin’s, magic Nazi zombies, fatal freefalls, throats slittin’, disembowelment, inside out abortions through the vagina, fatties pissin’ on their own heads in the toilet, handful of boobs, folks drilled, arm rippin’, puppet smashin’, shoot outs, head crushin’, flyin’ puppets, murder house tours, human matchsticks, wall smashin’, baby doll Hitlers, human meat puppets, bloodbaths, rub-a-dub deaths, fast romances, truck rammin’, and Barbara Crampton sticks ’round most the movie as a bad ass cop! 3/5! 

PURE (2019)

Instead of makin’ promises with their virginity at a purity camp, two half-sisters curiously dabble in black arts that summon the first woman, an Instagrammed filtered Lilith, who quietly hangs in the background ’til the girls beg for help standin’ up to fathers tellin’ ’em how to use their bodies. My biggest problem with this Into the Dark film is it treads a lot of water with very little escalation, tension, or build-up to completely justify its hate-fueled endin’ with images that remind me of Hereditary. The camp and its oddball dads feels off and slightly uncomfortable, but things are never pushed ‘nough to ever be scary much less wanna see everyone with a dick die. If the worse the dads can do is put girls in a time-out to pray, then the filmmakers need to rethink their antagonists. Black magic, purity rituals, baby mama drama, semi-skinny dippin’, bunk bangin’ with no boobs, supernatural possessions, head bangin’, gang floatin’, secret lust tests, and girls in cages! 2/5!

THE PURGE (2013)

In 2022, America has a new government in place that solves society’s problems with allowing Americans one night out of the year to purge their pent up angst and hostility in whatever fashion they choose, even if it’s murder. Ethan Hawke plays a purge home security salesman whose Jones’ mansion is under attack after his “what not to do in a horror movie” son shelters a purge group’s escaped target, resulting in morally debating ultimatums and grisly mayhem. A surprise gripper with some memorable moments and unexpected turn of events, my only beef with this are all the dark sequences with slivers of flashlights helpin’ me understand what’s even happenin’. Babydoll tankbots, shifty neighbors, hidey holes, and intense knife fights and shotgun action in this mash of The Strangers meets Assault on Precinct 13. 4/5!

THE PURGE: ANARCHY (2014)

It’s time for the annual purge and things get fucking crazy in this chase sequel! A Punisher wannabe sets out to purge on the drunk driver who killed his son the year before, but gets caught up playing action hero to a group of anti-purgers caught in the crossfire as the rich and empowered double their efforts to eradicate the poor and downtrodden. Essentially the Running Man meets Escape From New York, this adrenaline fueled sequel keeps you guessing what’s coming next and is a perfect flipside to the first movie where we now see the poor’s struggle against such an insane circumstance. Guns, guns, guns, Most Dangerous Game references, underground rebels, booby traps, purge wranglers, armored cars, flamethrowers, subway death buggies, and a lot of heartbroken revenge seekers. 5/5!

THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR (2016)

Experiencing the purge from the perspective of the rich and poor, we now experience it from the political side as the new founding fathers use their national holiday to take out a unsupportive senator who’s hellbent on ridding the purge as soon as she’s elected president. Lucky for her, her bodyguard is the Punisher wannabe from the last movie, and they leave a colorful trail of corpses in their wake as they trek through the underbelly of the nation’s capital with the help of a deli-man’s crew and the underground purge resistance. I would like to have seen the graphic violence and the uneasiness pushed more in this sequel, but it still delivers some nailbiting scenes and keeps the adrenaline going with plenty of costumed crazies in this London Has Fallen meets Escape From New York mix. Murder tourists, knife fights, resistance movements, girls wanting candy, night club drones, Pit and the Pendulum references, metal sawing teddies, gang wars, white power, and on screen beheadings. 4/5!

THE FIRST PURGE (2018)

After the New Founding Fathers of America are elected to run the troubled U.S. of A in the near future, they politically engineer a solution to America’s problems with an event called the Purge that’s high power control in disguise as Halloween for psychos. Selectin’ Staten Island as the testin’ ground for this experiment, the NFFA rig the Purge’s success for nationwide approval, but not without a lot of push back from rebellious gangs out to save their hood. Before The Purge goes prime time on the small screen, fans get a look at how it all started in this prequel to the series that continues to mash glorified genocide with crooked patriotism. While this ain’t bad by any means, I do think this is one of the weaker entries in the Purge series due to its lack of dynamic characters that ultimately leaves the story feelin’ anti-climatic. Still as entertainin’ and stylish as the rest of the Purge movie, though. Church massacres, gang violence, wacky seniors with explosive baby dolls, trap door baby face killers, cosplay Nazis, embedded trackers, gun tottin’ drones, car wrecks, gunfights, neck cuttin’, video recordin’ contacts, stabbin’s, bullets to the head, hooker assassins, folks dragged behind vehicles, human matchsticks, explosions, Black Die-Hard, and a needled glove psycho named Skeletor! 4/5!

THE FOREVER PURGE (2021)

Despite all that happened in The Purge: Election Year, the New Founders of America are back in office and reinstate the Purge, but a whole buncha extremists wanna celebrate it year ’round and unleash hell ‘cross the nation as some Mexican ranch hands help a family of cowboy fat cats reach sanctuary in Mexico. An entry in the Purge series that’s okay at best, I like switchin’ up the usual city settin’ for the remote landscapes of Texas, but the characters aren’t all that compellin’, the mythos is a little muddled as to whether or not the intention behind this Forever Purge is a war over class or race, and the social subtext feels kinda wishy washy and not well thought out. The biggest surprise, however, is how indirect and tamed alotta of the violence is with cutaways and offscreen death blows. Seemingly bulletproof semis, car wrecks, explosions galore, stabbin’s galore, bullets to the brain basket, front yard executions, Mad Max nods, illegal immigrant tunnels, pregos in danger, firefights galore, stranglin’, James Bond level booby traps, and head whackin’! 3/5!

PYEWACKET (2017)

A teen girl obsessed with the occult gets fed up with her emotionally wrecked mama and summons a demon called a pyewacket to kill her. Problem is, she makes up with her mama before the deeds done and must protect them both from the supernatural hitman. This ain’t one of them scary flicks that rely on a bunch of special effects and jump scare pop shots, but rather delivers the fear through buildin’ a lot of creepy atmosphere and escalatin’ tension with each passin’ day the pyewacket’s presence becomes stronger. Only thing that bugs me is the endin’ which is a little too much of a mindfuck for me. Collect call rituals for demons, Spider-Man’s shadow, scared bffs in cars, possible possessions, paranormal footsteps, house infernos, and human matchsticks! 3/5!