O – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


On a scorched planet in the year 3031, it’s cowboys and aliens as a group of super freak outlaws led by the reptilian Red Eye kill the sheriff of a small western-like town called Oblivion and harass its businesses with a protection racket. Only the sheriff’s son, Stone, has any chance of stoppin’ the desperados, but he needs the help of sci-fi Indians and robo-deputies for overcomin’ his cripplin’ powers as an empath first. A lighthearted fun western with monsters and spaceships, this flick is a very entertainin’ watch for viewers of any age. It’s got western action hyped with special effects, convincin’ heroes fightin’ memorable villains, and never lets a dull moment creep onscreen. Stop-motion critters, girls in leather, whorehouses, old west fans, showdowns, cyborg babes, super men, whips, poisonous frog creatures, deadly bets, shop chaos, giant two-tail scorpions, Lurch undertakers, damsels in distress, George Takei builds gadgets, Isaac Hayes pours drinks, and Julie Newmar plays top pussy cat in the whorehouse! 4/5!

OBLIVION 2 (1996)

Sheriff Stone is still protectin’ the little sci-fi town of Oblivion, and his deputies, space Tonto and robo-redhead, are still after what’s left of Red Eye’s gang from the last flick. Things get shaken up, however, when a shape shiftin’ bounty hunter steers his spaceship into town to collect on a mysterious criminal hidin’ among the townfolk. This sequel doesn’t feel quite as special as the original, and I think it’s because they’re too similar. Starrin’ the same cast on the same sets, the only thing new is the lackluster bounty hunter plot that leaves this feelin’ more like the next episode of a mild TV show than an excitin’ sequel  developin’ characters and expandin’ their story. I think an all new villain or way more conflict between Stone and the bounty hunter could have fixed this. Creature critters, space mines, head morphin’, PSAs ’bout bein’ kind to your local whores, go go gadget hands, penis maps, dicks hacked off, sex and bets, spaceships, alien bounty hunters, group beat downs, giant turtle monsters, strong men, George Takei works on cyborgs, Isaac Hayes plays scared, Julie Newmar’s claws come out in the spotlight, and Andrew Divoff jumps back in the make-up chair to play Red Eye’s mean green brother! 3/5! 


An e.t. invasion leaves Earth a wasteland, and while everyone’s relocated to one of Saturn’s moons, Tom Cruise is left behind to service energy convertin’ towers from his Jetsons house as well as protect ’em from interstellar scavengers who possess a secret that’s sure to throw his reality into chaos. A visual knockout of a flick with a decent story full of twists that remind me of Moon (2009), there ain’t so much as any sours to bitch ’bout as there’s a lack of sweets to enjoy. Like, I don’t mind seein’ Tom battle heat packin’ cartoon balls in his nadsack craft the whole movie, but he needs meaningful interactions with folks other than himself (not to mention screen chemistry) to fully bring me onboard this sci-fi apocalypse. Not terrible by any means, but can be waaay better. High flyin’ dog fights, booby traps, clonin’, nukes in space, crash landin’s, stasis pods, mechanized executions, mile high club pools, antique hideaways, and bobble head BFFs! 3/5!


In this Full Moon owned flick, a clueless dimwit inherits his dad’s security business in the Caribbean and blunders through a political fiasco with his one mysterious agent blowin’ voodoo villains away with explosive body parts. The script’s convoluted, actor’s fumble through their lines, the fight scenes are a joke, the focus is on the wrong characters, and the heroes have as much personality as stale corn flakes, but dammit if there isn’t some B-trash gold in here with the “Occultist” shootin’ bad guys with his magic feet before wastin’ a restroom full of goons with his dick as a firearm. Human sacrifices, voodoo rituals, faked deaths, big ass mace and chain fights, deadly fingers, bad guys shot up the ass, political massacres, disembowelments, caramel sex with boobs, spring loaded projectile knives, jumpcut explosives, deep fried facials, and suicides! 2/5! 

yoffOFFERINGS (1989)

This flick is essentially a Halloween knock-off I’m surprised John Carpenter hasn’t sued! A mute kid’s knocked down a well by the neighborhood brats and bumps his head so bad he becomes a psycho-killer. Years later, he escapes the mental hospital and seeks revenge on his tormentors while trying to reconnect with this one girl that was nice to him, leaving her mutilated keepsakes on her doorstep. So close to Halloween it’s not even funny, this flick shamelessly steals Carpenter’s script, score, and cinematography without being a spoof. Ashy eggs, mean crones, inappropriate teacher/student sex talk, severed fingers, rolled-up noses, decapitated heads, heads in vices, malfunctioning power tools, sex is shut down for varmint hunting, duck diets, over the top morticians, over the top deputies, pizza with human sausage toppings, impalements, zero gore, overuse of the word “okay,” and Will Wheaton’s fat twin plays a sheriff who steals a little boy’s skin mag collection! 2/5!


Officer Downe is the police force’s toughest cop for takin’ out the city’s nastiest scumwads, because the collective power of the handicap keep juicin’ him back to life like a Frankenstein monster every time he dies. Based on the Image comic, this stylish flick from Slipknot has all the flash of a silly fun time with enough rock and gore, but it emotionally falls flat which will keep it from stickin’ around as a memorable film. You can’t help but think of Robocop when watchin’ this, and how that works better because of the way Murphy is developed before his transformation into somethin’ more than human and the burden that comes with that. Severed hands, explosions, bad ass vehicles, batterin’ ram weapons, prison brawls, cop torture, orgasm counters, head critter honchos, kung-fu gags, Asian boy toys, and handicaps to the rescue! 3/5!


A woman races to fix her dead mama’s busted headstone on a remote island ’bout to close off from tourists, and despite every warnin’ to stay away, she finds herself in the thick of the islanders’ drama involvin’ dealin’s with a demon seekin’ payment. This sucker looks swell and all, but it’s such a terrible story. Not only is the mystery thrown out with a tell-all exposition dump at the very beginnin’, the majority of this snoozefest is the woman aimlessly runnin’ ’round town from one atmospheric scene to the next without any character or plot development while avoidin’ stagnant creeps with eerie stares. It’s sad when the best part of the movie is the hero escapin’ the horror by watchin’ a how-to trainin’ video on operatin’ draw bridges. Dancin’ geezers, blank stares galore, tentacle kills, awkward starin’ at the camera, monsters shrouded in darkness, shapeshiftin’ demons, and deceptive roads! 2/5! 

OLD (2021)

Guests at an exotic island hotel are escorted to a secluded beach and find themselves trapped as they experience rapid agin’ that aggravates their different medical conditions. Kinda like a feature length Twilight Zone episode, director M. Night Shyamalan delivers a solid tension buildin’ flick full of intrigue and pendin’ dread but not so much on a twist endin’ folks come to expect from him. The only sour I don’t like is its shallow character development ‘mong its ensemble of victims with no particular yahoo servin’ as the story’s point of view with any meaningful arc. Human pretzels, fast healin’, emergency surgeries as easy as games of Operation, rapid growth spurts, speedy pregnancies, seizures, bloated bodies, decomposin’, rust poisonin’, fatal freefalls, blackouts, stabbin’s galore, and top secrets operations! 4/5!

OLD 37 (2015)

Muscle car teens can’t cruise the boonies without some kind of life threatenin’ accident and become easy pickin’s for a pair of serial killin’ brothers pretendin’ to be paramedics played by horror icons Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley. In the meantime, the movie’s goody two shoes last girl is too busy gettin’ a boob job to impress her high school crush before she can be half heartedly involved in anyone’s dilemma at the last minute. This flick has the benefit of lookin’ high production with quality camerawork, and a hard hittin’ soundtrack, but it’s criminally undermined by an incohesive script and edits that sloppily string a bunch of scenes together that lack a consistent story arc with effective set-ups and payoffs. Random siblin’ rages, fugly young’n surgery, leg gash fingerin’, human matchsticks, wife beatin’, power drill lobotomies, roadkill seniors, car wrecks galore, cop killin’, scrap yard chases, folks ground to hamburger, near fatal car sex, beauty makeovers with boob jobs, insert flashbacks here galore,  house parties, fatal car surfin’, Lloyd Kaufman lifelines, and Bill orders Kane to do the chicken dance! 2/5! 

OMEGA COP (1990)

In the dystopian future of 1999, a super cop with an ever changin’ wardrobe is locked out of his home base, ’cause solar flares might’ve stricken him with a bad case of black face, and is forced to run ’round rescuin’ damsels in distress from Road Warrior lookin’ slave traders. An action flick with just ‘nough in its shoestring budget to afford Adam West for an afternoon, this shoot ’em up is ’bout as bland as it gets. Lotta one dimensional characters mind numbingly runnin’, drivin’, and shootin’ at each other with nothin’ remarkable happenin’ for any of it to be fun or memorable save the explosion at the end that magically blows the hero cop into a pair of swim shorts. Was it this or the scene of him fightin’ a gang by law of finders keepers for his lost hat that made folks want a sequel?!! Firearm stealin’, longwinded chase sequences, the Ultimate Warrior in drag, flyin’ bullets galore, big schmancy guns, slave trade raids, kung-fu fightin’, solar flares, General Hospital in the year 1999, suicidal doctors, sleepin’ beauties, strung up fondlin’, and electric fence victims! 2/5!


A butch mayor resemblin’ one of Paul Revere’s relatives jacks her cattle with a bad mix of chemicals and accidentally turns hungry meat lovers into spastic zombie-like rapists chasin’ after women on the rag. Only a sickly sheriff and his doctor girlfriend have any hope warnin’ their podunk town of the bad meat, but the mayor doesn’t want bad publicity keepin’ tourists away. This flick is shot well enough with great lookin’ make-up and CGI, but the script tends to do a lot of meanderin’ and isn’t helped any with bad actors’ over the top performances and cheesy dialogue. Notable for possibly having the DUMBEST weapon ever MacGyvered in a horror flick, a stick wrapped in duct tape and newspaper. How ’bout a bat instead?! Spoiled meat, frozen ribs, horny waitresses sittin’ like 8 year olds, gunfire, hammers to the head, maggots/worms in the brain, brainwarped rapists, autopsies, antidote masks, ghosts of booty call past, and poorly timed gun control! 3/5! 


Small town cops do their best to stop an axe wieldin’ Santa and his Harley Quinn-like sidekick Mrs. Clause from completin’ their daily massacres inspired by the 12 days of Christmas. I think this is the best Christmas horror movie of 2017 and worth addin’ to anyone’s collection of holiday fear flicks. The cinematography is amaze balls, the majority of actors are top shelf with great screen chemistry among them, the story’s easy to follow but never gets borin’, and the slashers stack lots of bodies. I just wish there was a bit more graphic gore for my buck and the filmmakers had chosen a single perspective to tell the story through. Flocks of dead geese, dead dogs offscreen, axes to the chest, arrows in the eye, slashes to the neck, severed fingers, offscreen decapitations in a doggy bag, slaughtered Santas, strip club chaos, kidnappin’s, restroom massacre, firetrap make-out sessions, drone cameras galore, and police station massacres! 4/5!


A respectable sequel to Once Upon a Time at Christmas, the psycho dressed as Santa is still after his estranged daughter a year later with the help of his Harley Quinn-wannabe sidekick, and this time they’re flushin’ her out with a hit list of folks who wronged ’em. Spendin’ the bulk of the movie with costumed killers on a quest for revenge that’s a little all over the place, the only thing this sucker’s missin’ is Batman bustin’ ’em up. The other thing missin’ is an eye for continuity as I couldn’t resist startin’ a drinkin’ game based on the “fuck-it” disregard for how dirty or clean Santa’s wounds are and the lead FBI agent’s alternatin’ hair and make-up from one scene to the next. Axes to the face, car wrecks, women beatin’, board meetin’ massacres, jailbreaks, Christmas light stranglin’, severed penis tossin’, blood pissin’, Christmas PTSD, amateur strip teases, gunshots to the shoulder, flesh carvin’, kidnappin’, boobs on a slab, CSI magic with lights, impaled necks with spiked heels, lotta repetitive information, perverted priest beatin’, hospital showdowns, surprise poisonings, and human matchsticks! 3/5!


To prove she ain’t a scaredy cat, a high schooler accepts a dare to spend the night in a mausoleum, but she and her teenage tormentors have no idea they’re trapped with a psychic vampire bustin’ outta his coffin for one last feast with an army of telekinetic flyin’ corpses at his disposal. This flick has a different kinda plot for a horror movie, characters worth watchin’, and some gore bloated effects, but the middle of the story really drags with alotta rinse repeat action that almost makes me forget I’m watchin’ a scary movie ’til the last 20 minutes. Closets full of corpses, flower vase shatterin’, breakin’ and enterin’, sleepin’ hobo scares, dogpiled corpses, rubber mask scares, severed hands on fishin’ llines, psychically manipulated stiffs galore, oral fixations with toothbrushes, free floatin’ bodies, feet draggin’ dead, purple bio-energies, electrifyin’ effects, and Adam West channelin’ Bruce Wayne! 3/5! 


In this indie filmmakin’ mess, it’s Halloween night, and a gang of yahoos breakdown in a slasher’s cornfield while a friend of theirs elsewhere is too busy mopin’ over long distance relationships to notice a stalker, and in a totally unrelated story, a horror lovin’ woman with a dark past dishes the hurt on some greedy home invaders. The filmmakers get an “A” for effort, deliverin’ fairly decent anthology with better than expected make-up effects, but most the actin’s fished out of the shallow end of the talent pool, and we confusingly weave in and out of the different stories despite ’em never convergin’ at the end of the movie. Skinned faces, baggies of hacked up hench wenches, literal back stabbin’, schizo dark sides, axe hackin’, spooky longwinded backstories, monstrous transformations, two second dates every three months, beatin’s, criminal scrapbookin’, lotta Halloween decor, and plastic skulls I can’t tell if characters are treatin’ like decor or the genuine thing! 2/5! 


After an innocent black man is gunned down by a racist police officer, a malfunctioning slushy machine traps his soul in a Ooga Booga Badass Doll with spear chuckin’ action. Now 13 inches with a grind to axe, he seeks savage revenge against the low brow criminals and corrupt authorities behind his bizarre transformation with the help of his girlfriend. A pretty decent flick, this movie has a convincin’ lead for you to care about and manages to snag some emotions out of ya. Only criticisms would be the varyin’ levels of actin’ that seems all over the place, and the pointless rape scene with Ooga Booga’s girlfriend. I think it’s part of a bigger plan she has for capturin’ the criminals who started Ooga Booga’s problems, but far from the best and most sensible idea that just didn’t pan out in the end. Eye gougin’, bullets to the head, soul swappin’ slurshy machines, topless trailer trash dancin’, boobs in the shower, peepin’ dolls masterbatin’, rape auditions on the street, racial slurs galore, Hambo cameos, plugs for Badass dolls, racist figurines, spears through ears, CGI blood sprays, Stacy Keach cameos, and Karen Black returns to horror for one last go round with a killer doll! 3/5!

OPEN 24 HOURS (2020)

If ya think servin’ time in the slammer for bein’ yer boyfriend’s audience to a buncha grisly murders is bad, it’s even tougher findin’ a job afterward, which Mary learns when her only option for employment is a graveyard shift at a hole in the wall truck stop. Before she can collect her first paycheck, however, she hears her psycho killin’ ex is on the loose ‘gain and has gotta separate the reality of him findin’ her from her own traumatic hallucinations. To save ya the worry of a High Tension endin’ and increase yer enjoyment of this sharply made flick without ruinin’ anythin’, yes, the barbecued boyfriend is back and droppin’ bodies everywhere. Mary’s paranoid delusions are just meant to create some tension, not serve a “is she crazy or not” plot. That said, this is a damn fine film with alotta convincin’ actors, beautifully lit sets with cinematic pops of color, and some gory moments that surprisingly make me flinch a time or two. Highly recommended for fans of the grocery store slashin’ classic Intruder. Clawed hammers to the face, gasoline showers, gunshots to the face, head bashin’ with sledgehammers, stabbin’s galore, plastic bag suffocatin’, fatal hammer blows to the back, blood floodin’ toilets, pickled pig tongue chewin’, stalkin’, blood splattered visions, kidnappin’, and shotgun blasts to the head! 4/5!


A witch from the Spanish Inquisition is executed and recycled into a cursed board game called Mamba, rewardin’ losers with supernatural death sentences and winners with a single wish. Centuries later, a gang of clueless models and surfers roll her dice to pass a dull night and eventually realize they’re damned to hell ‘less they outsmart the game. Everythin’ ’bout this flick from its camera work to its effects and actors is great, but man oh man, it’s terribly paced, and I blame that on Mamba’s confusin’ rules which leave it stuck somewhere between Jumanji and Final Destination with a touch of Hellraiser. The game just needs more interestin’ gameplay with instantaneous consequences. Surfin’ stock footage, spontaneous growth spurts, skinned losers, human matchsticks, semi-truck wrecks, explosions, lumber yard photo shoots, insectoid witches, fatal freefalls, corpse pickin’ crabs, rapidly agin’ models, so-so CGI animals, snake bites galore, and yahoos who keep drivin’ through ghosts of their friends! 3/5! 


A bum is fed up with everyone bein’ able to afford a home but him and starts slaughterin’ Adrienne Barbeau’s realtor agents while tauntin’ her talk radio boyfriend over the airwaves for attention. An overall decent flick that breaks away from the expected slasher formula enough to keep you invested, the killer is a clever idea with some gruesome kills but still manages to fall a little flat despite a big monologue at the end. Silliest thing in this flick is its sloppy editin’ with characters unexplainably poppin’ up in different places within a scene, and the moments that beg what the hell the filmmakers were thinkin’. Like I’m still confused about the killer’s involvement with the competin’ realtor tryin’ to screw over Adrienne’s real estate business. And why is a whole swat team filmed hurryin’ to stop the killer to just have a detective walk up to him out of nowhere and blow his brains out point blank . And then, with blood and brains all over the floor, the killer still gets up tryin’ to add more to his kill count. It’s fun, sure, but what the fuck?! Skinny dippin’, yummy dog food with ants, corpses in the shower, messages in blood, failed buddy systems, electrocutions, hangin’s, home invasions, Steve Urkle attire, weapons made of razors on the end of a plunger handle, dominatrix fun, epic sabotage fails, swat teams, shots to the head, decapitations, and Adrienne Barbeau gets topless! 3/5!


A single mom and her teenage son temporarily move into a family member’s big ass mountain home for sale ’til they can get back on their feet. Durin’ their stay, shit’s mysteriously moved around and the water heater keeps goin’ out ’til a faceless no name killer pops up the last few minutes of the flick and kills them both. No explanations, no steady escalations of danger, no resolutions to anyone’s problems . . . if you wanna better example of a random slasher squattin’ in someone’s home without them knowin’ it, see Black Christmas from 1974! Vomitin’, human roadkill, stabbin’s, lots of cold showers, finger breakin’, woman hittin’, contact pluckin’, throat slittin’, and possible strangulations! 2/5!


Three found footage thrill seekers go into a shark cage, the cage goes in Australian waters with waves big enough to destroy their boat, and we get a movie more similar to the first Open Water than 47 Meters Down with folks in a driftin’ love triangle prayin’ they aren’t eaten by circlin’ sharks. Pretty simple plot with no ties to the previous Open Water movies, this flick has just the right punch of drama to hold my attention to the very end despite its actors’ weak screen presence. The only sour I can really fault the film for is its lack of escalatin’ danger that seems stuck at testin’ our tolerance for these divers becomin’ shark chum. The only thin’ testin’ my tolerance is the cheatin’ girlfriend! Sharks, big ass waves, fish food deaths, and human matchsticks! 3/5! 


Everyone’s favorite psycho dwarf pretendin’ to be a 10-year-old cutie doll returns for a prequel, and it’s the origin behind Leena’s first kill . . . in America, that is. Kind of confusin’ givin’ the title indicates I’m gonna see what pushed her over the edge to initially ‘come a killer, but this sucker starts out the gate with her already shacked up in a Russian looney bin fer slashin’ a family she duped. So, this is more ’bout her posin’ as an American family’s long lost young’n to escape Russia, and the violence that ensues as she does her best to convince ’em of her lies while discoverin’ skeletons in their closet that proves a major problem. Top shelf camerawork, moderate levels of satisfyin’ gore, and terrific actin’ by Isabelle Fuhrman as Leena, the only sours that chipped ‘way at me is the family’s seemingly cold reaction to their supposed daughter’s return, but all is forgiven by the third act twist I shoulda seen comin’! Fencin’, fatal freefalls, blacklight paintin’, stabbin’s, crossbow bolts to the chest, poisoned rats turned to smoothies, trained psycho hags, fatal beatin’s, bullets to the back of the head, and corpse dumpin’! 4/5!


In what could be described as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde meets the digital age, a gang of computer savvy ladies race to iron out the kinks in their new datin’ app before it launches, unaware one secret kink turns users into murder happy sex maniacs. Manipulated by their boss lady who’s fallen under the app’s bad influence, weary programmers must resist their primal urges and destroy the app before singles meet their darker halves and plunge the world into total chaos. As rapidly as technology evolves, I’m happy to see a horror film keepin’ up with new ways to exploit our fears through modern means. Despite so-so actin’, relatively tame violence, and a weak escalation of danger, this flick has plenty of eye candy from its attractive cast to its stylized cinematography and an interestin’ enough premise that keeps you modestly hooked. Stabbin’s, boobs in the shower, strangulations, black-out murders, naked ladies on fire escapes, death bangs, and full frontal deaths with dick and bush! 3/5!  


A gang of college yahoos visit a remote house to research its haunted history with witches, but a seance accidentally invokes the spirit of an evil baby killin’ warlock lookin’ to be resurrected. There’s so much workin’ in this movie’s favor storywise with a memorable villain and fresh new spins on Ouija horror I’ve never seen before, but none of the lead actors have a strong enough screen presence to make me care if they live or die which unfortunately results in a pretty meh kinda movie to kill a rainy afternoon with. Over the phone possessions, portal to hell rituals, baby sacrifices, haunted dolls, Ouija board seances, haunted lumber, head bangin’, random human Ouija boards, magic stone swallowin’, explodin’ mirror deaths, suicidal head blowin’, Evil Dead kind-of possessions, house size Ouija boards, coven wars, orgy of witch boobs, blood rituals, and Dee Wallace cameos as Tara Reid’s future self! 3/5!


A sham of a psychic mama buys her first Ouija board for a prop in her smoke and mirrors act and accidentally invites a pissed off spirit to possess her young’n for murderous ceilin’ crawlin’ hijinks. A perfect example of a superior sequel, this flick is a mixed bag of old supernatural tricks but with a fresh spin thanks to a spot-on cast, creepy special effects, and special attention to period piece details like the film’s use of cigarette burns and beginning with the ’60s Universal Studios lead. Mouths sewn shut, meltin’ nightmares, anaconda jaws, creepy whispers, scary ghosts, stabbin’s, asylums, possessions, young’ns channelin’ different voices, Nazi doctors, slingshots to the face, automatic writing, supernatural peep holes, skeletons in the wall, wall crawlin’, ceilin’ walkin’, floatin’ young’ns, hangin’s, reanimated henchmen, Polish diaries, and ginger kisses! 5/5! 


In a town where nobody’s ever heard of a Ouija board, an unlucky mom dicks ’round with one she finds in her backyard and unintentionally welcomes a buncha bad mojo into her life that results in one fatal incident after ‘nother. A modest attempt at Euro-horror, this ain’t awful but far from great. We don’t get any real backstory to where this particular board comes from or any insight to what kinda evil’s even after the mom, much less any clear cut rules for how to stop it other than a shot in the dark exorcism that’s anythin’ but excitin’. Most memorable scenes include a random zombie that pops up outta nowhere, and who I’m guessin’ is a Satanist that goes sorta Deadite while projectile vomitin’ milk ‘fore droppin’ dead. Decapitated dog head throwin’, fatal stair falls, near boiled babies, and dimensional rifts via witchboards! 2/5!

OUTLAND (1981)

With a surge of overworked space miners gettin’ high and threatenin’ the lives of their coworkers on one of Jupiter’s moons, it’s up to the new marshal in town to cut off their drug supply and sober up their operation ‘gainst their greedy employer’s wishes. A western in space with Sean Connery playin’ the passin’ through do-gooder hellbent on his own convictions of what’s morally right, Outland is a bit of a slow burn that goes overboard on tension buildin’ filler I couldn’t help but speed through but does offer alotta special effects eye candy from outer space sets inspired by Alien to a couple of head explosions that could compete with the brain basket effects from The Beast Within. A solid watch overall, but lukewarm entertainment at best. Hooker hostages, racquet ball confessionals, shotguns to the chest, tell-all blood tests, explodin’ heads, chaotic chases on foot, battle to the death in zero gravity, weightless interrogations, trigger happy yahoos sucked into space, topless tabletop grind shows, and elevator rides that turn folks inside out! 3/5! 


Police review confusin’ found footage of a missin’ gang of yahoos shootin’ an indie music video in the California desert ‘fore mysterious sounds of thunder leads to ’em bein’ mutilated by unexplained forces of a bullshit nature. This is one of the toughest flicks I’ve ever made myself sit through. While it has a semi-coherent start with a bare bones story that unfortunately lacks any characters worth investin’ in much less root fer, its second half is an experience best described as tryin’ to watch a movie through a bag over your head with a pin hole while some loon beats you with a whiffle ball bat to curb their desire to yodel in a kiddie pool full of spaghetti. It’s just relentless nonsense that’s the furthest thing from scary much less entertainin’ as our leadin’ nobody runs ’round in the buff while drenched in blood and dodgin’ the occasional special effect tentacle, all the while capturin’ shitty footage fer no good reason on a camera with infinite battery life. And as if the meaningless finale doesn’t suck ‘nough without any answers fer what I had to endure, the filmmakers add salt to my war wounds with their final guy cuttin’ his dick off fer the sheer hell of it in graphic detail ‘fore the credits roll. This ain’t a film. This is a leftover from one of ’em art installation shows with abstract images playin’ ‘cross a maze of bedsheets. If it weren’t for the somewhat competent use of a camera, I’d give this the lowest score I could. Eerie 911 calls, decapitated heads on sticks, maybe aliens fer all I know, tentacle creatures, some kinda cave monster, mysterious axes, and shadowy figures! 2/5!


World War II soldiers parachute behind enemy lines to destroy a radio tower as part of America’s invasion of Normandy, and have to fight through a mad Nazi’s army of monstrous super soldier experiments to complete the mission. The actin’s great, the film looks fantastic, and the first reel is worth the ticket price alone with an insane war scene that rivals Saving Private Ryan‘s intense opener. As far as the horror’s concerned, though, the majority of it’s packed in the back end of this war heavy period piece (save a skin crawlin’ moment or two peppered in) and needed to push the body horror A LOT further. Plane crashes, stiffs hangin’ in trees, firin’ squad executions, ‘roid rage resurrections, violent head twistin’, stabbin’s, gunshots to the face, super zombie soldiers, hooks under the sternum, explosions, bleedin’ eyeballs, gunshots to the chest and back, booby trapped Nazi decoys, sewer crawlin’, near rapes, loogied baseballs, landmines, paratrooper massacres, mutant lookin’ medical experiments, talkin’ severed heads, folks hung like bats in goo filled body bags, huge needles sewn into abs, flamethrowers, and head bashin’! 4/5! 

zombOZOMBIE (2012)

American soldiers fight their way through a zombie infested Afghanistan to put a resurrected Bin Laden in the ground once and for all. Wow, this film sounds crazy but is extremely well-made and is surprising to me it’s still flying under the radar. Beautiful cinematography, brilliantly written characters, and a solid story that’s simple but far from boring. Only flaw is I didn’t think it gave us anything new or special zombie-wise we hadn’t seen before. Jokers, bad-ass blondes with swords, shirtless rescues, head explosions galore, zombie roadkill, zombie terrorist camps, wind chill factories, dog envy, zombie booby traps, helicopter crashes, and zombie freefalls! 4/5!

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