Screaming Soup!

N – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985)

Months after construction workers gang rape a woman, they start gettin’ nailed by a masked pun spittin’ vigilante wheelin’ around in a hearse for backwoods blood’n gore justice. This film’s a slow-burn with hambone acting, awkward sex scenes, and a handful of moments that run waaay too long, but it’s bad in a good way and has a memorable killer to boot! Nail gun duels, nailed hands, nailed arms, nailed dicks, nailed heads, boobs, cramp make-out sessions, chainsawed hands, fatal middle-finger hitch hiking, ditch deaths, pool ambushes, fatal freefalls, Evil Dead sound effects, and open season for any poor Texan in the wrong place at the wrong time. 3/5!

NAILS (2017)

A broken ginger is laid up in a hospital for a slow recovery and begs everyone through her speak and spell to save her from a gnarly ghost in the walls after her. For a one room horror drama, these Irish filmmakers deserve a well deserved slap on the back for deliverin’ an engagin’ flick that’s a unique spin on Rear Window meets weirdos in the wall movies. With convincin’ actors, a memorable ghost, and nice camerawork, the only thing I hate ’bout this thing is the endin’ which I think is confusin’ and dumb. Ecto scratches, ghostly messages carved in flesh, hit and runs, teacher student love affairs, face grabbin’, possessions, airborne patients, creepy nail clippin’, and weirdo ghosts in the walls! 4/5!

NASTY PIECE OF WORK (2019)

Right off the bat, I don’t consider this Into the Dark entry from Hulu a horror movie. This is more of a dark comedy thriller set ‘gainst a Christmas backdrop ’bout a rich employer and his wife pittin’ two desperate employees and their wives ‘gainst each other for a high profile position through a series of mean-spirited gags and manipulation. It’s a well made movie with a sweet cast of engagin’ characters holdin’ my attention from beginnin’ to end with entertainin’ banter and witty dialogue, but there’s not a whole lot of tension, certainly nothin’ scary, and I’m never worried for anyone. Fake head explosions, handicap actin’, remote controlled ammo, rich deaths, and masked societies of elders! 3/5!

NECROMANCER (1988)

After a handful of test stealin’ college jerks rape a girl for seein’ too much, the upset co-ed enlists the help of a garage witch who summons a deep fried demon to slaughter her enemies in terrifyin’ slow-mo. While this is on the lower end of bargain bin horrors with cop-out cutaway deaths and thrift store props, this flick has a rockin’ soundtrack and a strong story that’s never competin’ with gratuitous scenes of sex and gore. Only sin this is guilty of is some so-so actin’, unconvincin’ reactions to bein’ sexually assaulted, pointless characters, and the wonky escalation for who dies when. Onscreen rape at knifepoint, possessions, supernaturally flyin’ props, telekinetic axes to the faces, forced suicides, face stabbin’, monstrous animated eyes, demonic transformations, hands-on teachin’, boobs in the shower, attacks to the dick, booger sugar, confusin’ nerd witches, and doppelganger fights! 3/5!

NEMESIS (1992)

Leap froggin’ into the future, an ex-cyborg cop is forced out of retirement for a search and recovery mission that turns out to be a vital turnin’ point for a pendin’ war between humanity and androids. The biggest sweet ’bout this melodramatic sci-fi flick is it looks amaze-balls from its sculpted actors to the rich palette of colors jumpin’ off some of the sharpest cinematography I’ve ever seen. Really impressive action sequences as well, makin’ me think this film could’ve inspired moments in The Matrix. Nemesis‘s sours mainly stem from the story which leaves a lot to be desired with unnecessary jumps over time, set-ups with no payoffs, and an uneventful story arc. Warzone gun fights, explodin’ buildin’s, arm rippin’, chicks blown in half, boobs, scalpin’, fingers bitten off, assassinations, airplane escapes, reconstructed cops, cybernetic legs, dead dogs, cybernetic eye surgery, cardiac bombs, and one of the most jittery weirdo stop-motion fights with an android puppet ya have to see to disbelieve! 3/5!

THE NEST (1988)

Take everything from Jaws, and make it about mutant cockroaches instead. A tourist island with an upcoming festival is experiencing a nasty flesh hungry pest problem, and its up to a cheating sheriff, a gung-ho exterminator, and the pests’ creator to stop them. Gratuitous shots of dead cats and dogs, a man nibbles cockroach turds, and the mutant roaches are normal size until the 3rd act when we get 3 gory Brundle Fly/Xenomorph puppet beasts with about as much movement as a Mexican action figure. 4/5!

NEVERKNOCK (2017)

After a gang of high schoolers knock on the cursed door of their town’s creepiest house for Halloween fun, they’re hunted the rest of misfit night by a contorted creature that feeds on their fears with terrifyin’ hallucinations. This might be one of the best TV flicks I’ve ever seen come from Syfy. It’s an earnest attempt at a horror flick with decent cinematography, and a surprisingly solid cast of characters worth watchin’. The special effects might be a little lackluster from time to time, and the monster certainly could have been executed more effectively, but none of that diminishes the overall impressive nature of this flick. Human pin-cushions, needle teeth, blood drenched fears, creepy crawly visions, mouth to mouth with roaches, hay mazes, costumes galore, toasty ghosts, wrecked back stories, missin’ siblin’s, near tub drownin’s, a pointless narrator from the past who adds nothin’ to the story, and Troy James as an under utilized human pretzel! 4/5!

THE NEW MUTANTS (2020)

A handful of wet behind the ear mutants are stuck in a bubble ’til some unseen entity deems ’em capable of corrallin’ their powers for some suspicious purpose, but the arrival of a new patient upsets everyone’s plans when she cluelessly brings their worst fears to life as the openin’ act to some big ass CGI bear they gotta defeat. I’m pretty sure this swing at a Marvel comics horror movie was supposed to be scarier, like A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 with X-Men, but terror takes a backseat to alotta character buildin’ drama that unfortunately (despite genuinely makin’ me care for these super powered misfits)  falls flat without a central bad guy steadily raisin’ the stakes. The filmmakers could’ve taken some notes from Sphere for a more effective payoff and skipped the confusin’ bear stuff that completely took me outta the story with its empty performance. Rocket powers, past traumatic hang ups galore, crispy corpses in the pool, imaginary hand puppet friends, teleportin’, werewolves, arm sword fightin’, Buffy the Vampire Slayer nods, human matchsticks, closecall suicides, energy bubbles galore, face clawin’, chew toy doctors, weaponized youths conspiracies, neck brandin’, hardcore holy rollers, nightmare sequences galore, freaky smiley face goons, buddin’ lesbo romances, and attempted executions by lethal injections! 3/5! 

THE NEW YORK RIPPER (1982)

A Donald Duck impersonator is running around a porno ridden New York City slashing random girls, and the police are having a hard time catching him. A very serious and sensual film, you can’t help but laugh out loud every time the tension is interrupted by the Ripper’s mad quaking and cartoony rants. Live porn performances, sex with cuffs, toe raped women, phone tag, fetch with body parts, doom buggies, nipples split in 2, bushes, gutting, disembowelment, broken bottles to the va jay jay, stabbings, and eye slicing. 3/5!

NIGHT ANGEL (1990)

The staff of the world’s hottest fashion magazine falls under the lustful spell of their newest cover girl who’s really hell’s most infamous demoness, Lilith, and her premier issue’s gonna turn the world into obedient horndogs ‘less one office romance can stop her with the help of an elderly holy rollin’ cabbie. It’s a crime this flick’s as obscure as it is, ’cause it’s really a bizarre mix of special effects gore and nudity folks never forget after seein’ it. Lilith’s plan for world domination’s a little convoluted, and I don’t know why she’s so focused on a guy whose dumb luck dulls her charm over him, but trivial sours such as these are forgiven when I see a spring chicken Doug Jones dancin’ like a rubberband while sayin’ lines like, “I wanna tickle her tonsils with my meat puppet.” Spastic dancin’, fatal freefalls down elevators shafts, leg stabbin’, crutch fightin’, demonic transformations, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, topless doubles, monstrous hands, lunar eclipses, office orgies, springs through chests, knee shavin’ shards of glass, heart rippin’, offscreen young’n death, offscreen massacres, throat slittin’, blood and beer bottle lickin’, photoshoots with snakes, backroom Cronenberg orgies, BDSM actions, random dwarves, fat rack with faces on each boob, blindin’ full frontal, hydra tongue nightmares. explosions, and heart groppin’ through the chest! 4/5! 

THE NIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN (2016)

A demonic swarm of flies curses an estranged gang of friends to die Halloween night ‘less they trick folks into accidentally killin’ other yahoos. This is a TV flick that ain’t too sour but could be sweeter. The cinematography and creature effects are pretty damn impressive, even for Syfy, but the monster’s rules are a little all over the place and the teens ain’t the most interestin’ or compellin’ characters to watch. Electrified knives, deadly pranks, car wrecks, cop-out swarm deaths, explosions, evil ceilin’ stains, demonic flies, cursed versions of tag, teens hurled through windows, cop drama, fatal freefalls, psych out suicide pacts, throat slittin’, and cops who can’t get around shelves or tackle teenage girls to save their lives! 3/5!

NIGHT CLAWS (2012)

Werewolf-lookin’ big foots are tearin’ teens apart in the woods, and a small-town sheriff’s gotta stop it with the help of a milf scientist before big foot hunters dominate the movie with a separate revenge story that comes out of nowhere! This low-budget flick has its fair share of sours from hackneyed horror tropes to lousy day-for-night cheats and competin’ storylines, but it’s practical monster effects are damn impressive, and I can’t get ‘nough of Leilani Sarelle as the lead hottie. Severed feet, ripped up corpses, stutterin’ morticians, drinkin’ party massacres, severed heads, monster clawin’, town drunks with all the answers, survivalist massacres, kidnappin’s, fatal hugs, and head crushin’! 2/5! 

THE NIGHT EATS THE WORLD (2018)

A man of few words sleeps through a zombie outbreak and holds up in an apartment buildin’ afterward to the drums for the surroundin’ undead ’til the movie decides to end. Point blank, I’m not a fan of this uneventful slow burn. It looks great, and the actin’s alright, but this is too emo for my taste and offers nothin’ scary or fun. Apartment buildin’ massacres off screen, grapplin’ hook escapes, fantasy friends, one man drummin’ solo concerts for the walkin’ dead, shotguns to the face, zombie scratches, zombie invasions, and zombie maulin’s! 2/5! 

THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

Lifted from the pages of Stephen King’s short by the same name, a headline reporter with an attitude gets wind of an airport hoppin’ killer, who he may or may not have figured out is a vampire, and makes it his mission to catch the hick drinkin’ pilot for his next great byline. A well-made movie with an entertainin’ performance from Miguel Ferrer, the only sour I can even bitch ’bout is why the flyin’ fanger refuses to kill the reporter the whole movie. He’ll tear through entire airports like a homicidal hurricane, leavin’ no survivors, but keeps givin’ the reporter chance after chance to turn ’round and live to write ‘nother story. Scoop ends up bein’ the fall guy, sure, but I don’t think that was the original intention. The best part is him unexpectedly catchin’ a naked eyeful of the vamp pissin’ blood in the urinal through the restroom mirror! Decapitated heads, blood caked planes full of worm ridden dirt, car wrecks, sexist work environments, airport massacres, Stephen King Easter eggs, blood piss, blood drinkin’, wrist slittin’, trailer home massacres, undead illusions, axe swingin’, and firin’ squad executions! 4/5!

NIGHT KILLER (1990)

In one of the most absurd flicks I’ve ever laughed so uncontrollably at, some perverted psycho killer in a Halloween mask is unbelievably punchin’ holes through women in Virginia Beach, but one gal he rapes manages to get away and suffers from some kinda weird amnesia that makes her suicidal. Luckily (or maybe not), an angry horn dog we assume is the killer scoops her up and hides her at his place ’til some kinky mind fuckin’ jars her memory of their first encounter. This is one of ’em ridiculous kinda obscurities I really wish I could have been on set for to see just what the filmmakers were thinkin’ when makin’ this farce of an erotic psychological slasher. Its intention feels serious, but the lead actors comically play their scenes like they’re continuously tryin’ to one up each other’s craziness. And while all its awkward moments, silly conversations, edits full of continuity errors, and unnecessary nudity can certainly hurt it, Night Killer’s biggest sour is actually its stock music soundtrack invokin’ the wrong atmosphere in nearly every scene. Boobs, ready to pop nipples, BDSM, master/slave relations, dirty phone calls, cops operatin’ on five minute schedules, kidnappin’, pill poppin’ picnics on the beach, ocean water rescues, restroom strippin’, speedo streakin’, cat callin’ road rage down dead end streets, what I’m guessin’ is bad improv, unsynchronized spastic dancin’, topless reflections on life, possible supernatural possessions, deluded wannabe parents, young’ns too ol’ to be called babies, some of the best gun-in-mouth actin’ I’ve ever seen, Little Red Ridin’ Hood turn ons, wax drownin’, Loomis wannabes, and a cop so brave, he doesn’t need backup to catch a serial killer! 3/5! 

NIGHT LIFE aka GRAVE MISDEMEANORS (1989)

When a teen’s high school bullies end up on the slab in the mortuary he works at, a logic defyin’ thunderstorm jolts them back to life as the re-animated dead who’ll literally torment him to grave. Like an episode of Tales From the Crypt that’s been unnecessarily stretched to feature length, this flick really drags its feet when it comes to dishin’ the horror and feels like watchin’ two completely different movies by the time the zombies are spontaneously introduced halfway through. Despite this hard division between after school drama and stiffs resurrected through the bastardization of Frankenstein science, it’s still a lot of fun to see just how far the nerdy runt’s gotta go to finally be rid of his bullies’ durin’ their Tom and Jerry killin’ spree. Car wreck, dirt bike wreck, electrically charged frog legs, gouged eyes, fists through guts, zombie matchsticks, furnace traps, bodysnatchin’ pranks, icky hair pullin’, cemetery explosions, zombies in woodchippers, trains vs cars, firebreathin’ zombies, grease monkey babes, axes through the head, frog legs on the back gag, and John Astin plays a popped balloon! 3/5! 

NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1980)

A college professor takes his students deep into the forest to investigate cold case Bigfoot murders and actually find the uber violent beast along with his fan club and baby mama. Very clever cinematography at times with perfect excuses in the script to fit in lots of over the top Bigfoot kills, this is a great lost in the woods horror that offers plenty of B-movie entertainment! Dick ripping, airborne sleeping bags, impalements, Bigfoot rapes, interspecies births, girl scout stabbings, hypnotic flashbacks, face burnings, disembowelments, rocking vans, burning papas, Bigfoot cults, arm ripping, and Bigfoot vision! 5/5!

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2 (1994)

It’s Halloween night, and a wild bunch of Catholic school horn dogs stir up Angela’s damned soul when they slip away to the infamous Hull House for some spooky fun that accidentally releases a demon possessin’ epidemic. A sweet follow-up to the original Night of the Demons, this raunchy horror offers a thoughtful mix of characters that keep my interest, a salivatin’ ‘mount of eye candy, and treats viewers to an all new bag of special effects that takes the series to new frights! The only sours preventin’ me from givin’ this a perfect score is the long ass wait ‘fore anyone even steps in Hull House, almost makin’ me forget I’m even watchin’ a horror movie, and the seemingly pointless scenes of the demon obsessed student summonin’ Angela when it’s the other gang of yahoos who causes all the trouble. Neck breakin’, decapitations, boobs, headless b-ball gags, snake women, gross-out vomittin’, psych-out rituals, demon callin’, mirror worlds, ruler slappin’ warrior nuns, quickie exorcisms, super holy water soakers, holy water balloons, handsy breasts, girl on girl, kissin’ buddies, demonic rompin’, Necronomicons, possessed lipsticks wigglin’ through girls’ sugar walls, Halloween parties, possessed dancin’, stabbin’s, monstrous explosions! 4/5! 

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 3 (1997)

After a van full of delinquents run from an unintentional shoot ’em up at a gas station, they spend their Halloween night hidin’ in the ol’ Hull House where Angela’s more than happy to entertain the obnoxious home invaders with some gooey special effect deaths. I consider this the weakest in the series, but this sequel ain’t bad movie by any means. It’s a little rinse and repeat storywise, repeatin’ the same ol’ possess everythin’ in sight plot with a toss away cast of nobodies, but Angela has some unforgettable moments, and there’s a lot of great special effect gags. Snake arms, longest openin’ credit sequence EVER, gas mart robberies gone wrong, boobs, demonic cat girls, Halloween costume sex, supernatural hotties suckin’ bullets outta guns, dancin’ dead guys, bullets to the eyes, blood spewin’ walls, possessed dancin’, forked tongue impaled heads, road kill victims, and gooey metldowns! 3/5!

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (2009)

An impressive reimagining of the original Night of the Demons from ’88, Angela throws a big ass Halloween party in her Louisiana home which has a history of demonic activity. Returning to complete a ritual for escaping Hell,  screeching demons systematically possesse the remaining party guests with sex and violence, leaving a bodacious last girl to save the day with her wits. The story’s a little too much Tom and Jerry by the end for me, but this is still an impressive film with strong cinematography, fun characters, kick ass soundtrack, and deaths gorehounds are sure to appreciate. Psyche out hangings, breast tentacles, Halloween street justice, face ripping, va jay jay party tricks, demonic Frenching, demonic orgy, deep throating bottles, games of spin the bottle, doggy style transformations, airborne dancing, ass worms, biting skeletons, and a Linnea Quigley cameo! 4/5!

NIGHT OF THE KRAMPUS (2013)

In this half-hour short film that’s a sequel to something else called The Night Shift, a paranormal investigator enlists the help of a graveyard worker and his talking skeleton to look into young’n disappearances they suspect Krampus is responsible for. While it’s short, shot on the cheap, and leaves a lot to be desired in its cosplay costume department, this is a respectable piece of work with lots of ambition and a Krampus to be proud of. My only real gripe is how the filmmakers need to do a better job re-introducing the heroes from whatever adventure came before this one, so we know a little more about who they are and what’s goin’ on with them. Summonin’ spells, drainage hideouts, Frenchin’ faces, red-nosed skeleton backpacks, door to door sleuthing . . . 3/5!

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEB (2015)

In this Hallmark-like rom-com crossed with Shaun of the Dead, a goofy ginger slowly but surely wins the heart of her one night stand when he bums a ride through the zombie apocalypse to celebrate the Fourth of July at his folks’ house. For a fun flick that’s got so much goin’ for it like a well paced script, top shelf production, and a cast explodin’ with undeniable screen chemistry, the only surprisin’ sour is Deb herself who comes off like a one joke SNL sketch confusingly flip floppin’ between full-on goofball and a genuine person overcompensatin’ for social awkwardness. Zombie hit and runs, love triangles, roofied brownies, sparklers, car trunks full of fat zombies in ugly sweaters, flesh bitin’, electrocuted granny zombies, fridge raids, inspirin’ TV broadcasts, babes in lingerie, disembowelin’, gunshots to the head, dino technology, tacky day attire, government cover-ups, explodin’ heads, and Ray Wise runnin’ ’round in his p.j.s after bakin’ some brownies! 4/5! 

NIGHT SCHOOL (1981)

Boston police are baffled as they hurry to close the case on a motorcyclin’ headhunter whose crime scenes leave ‘em bobbin’ for school girls’ decapitated heads. A pretty gritty ‘80s slasher with a loose theme and video nasty gore, this is an under celebrated gem of horror that surprisingly plays against all too familiar tropes. Definitely watch it for the openin’ kill alone. Roundabout decapitations, motorcycle chases, severed heads in the toilet, hair soups, severed heads in the sink, forbidden student teacher flings, cougars exploitin’ curious lesbos, severed heads in the aquarium, peepin’ toms, and finger paintin’ shower sex with no boobs! 4/5!

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)

While a baby sittin’ ginger with an underdeveloped past and motives is busy pullin’ a Grinch at her latest job, the young’n she’s supposed to watch interrupts her Christmas heist with the ghosts of three kiddie killin’ witches he accidentally releases from dad’s collection of cursed oddities. I don’t really feel the Christmas spirit in this holiday horror, but it’s still entertainin’ with a nice mix of clashin’ characters, cool monsters, funny twists, and playful lightin’ that reminds me of Suspiria given the witch theme. These moments are soured, however, ’cause the flick’s doesn’t kick things up a notch ’til the last third of the movie, and the filmmakers pepper in details ’bout the sitter, but never ‘nough to understand who she is for me to relate to much less root for. Let’s start with why she’s robbin’ and runnin’, how she knows anyone in her circle of jerk off friends, and how ol’ she’s supposed to be, ’cause I call bullshit on her not bein’ ol’ ‘nough to drink! Possessions, cat-burglar cosplay, TV ghost hunter wannabes, head stabbin’, spooky whisperin’, attemped robbery, boobs, hair rippin’, eye gougin’, implied doggie deaths off camera, bra flashin’, witchy poo kissin’, hangin’, finger bitin’, GoPro ghost fightin’, dooby smokin’, paper cuts, cursed books made from witchy remains, throat slittin’, and young’n killin’! 3/5!

NIGHT SKIES (2007)

Based on the disappearance of campers durin’ the infamous Phoenix Lights phenomenon of 1997, an RV full of yahoos is stranded in the middle of nowhere with a local hick in the same predicament, and they’re gradually besieged by big bad e.t.s who dick with their minds before yankin’ a handful of them into their silly string jelly saucer for some slimy probin’. A nice blend of horror and sci-fi, the pacin’ drags its feet a bit ’til things pick up with the special effects filled endin’, but the flick’s cast of stereotypical clashin’ personalities pleasantly keeps things from ever gettin’ too dull. They certainly got me yellin’ at the screen when the RV driver violently blows up at the hick for all the most bafflin’ reasons. Car wrecks, huntin’ accidents, bimbos sucked through the air, e.t. probed pregos, slimy shackles, half-buried alive, last ditch cabins, accidental ramblin’ stabbin’s, fatal bleedin’, euthanasia, bodily e.t. invaders, super glue wound dressin’, and invisible skins! 3/5!

NIGHTLIGHT (2015)

Some high school teens head into their town’s haunted woods for a night of found footage pranks and games but find out the local legends are real as supernatural forces bring their own twisted sense of fun. A decent film with a creepy moment or two and interestin’ enough characters, but it starts to get old after awhile and loses its tension and momentum toward the end. Flickerin’ flashlights, outrunnin’ trains, abandoned churches, CGI ghosts, killer wolves, batcaves, statue games, truth or dare, hide and seek, fatal freefalls, impalements, dead pack of wolves, and one pet dog who hangs around long enough to be killed at the last minute. 3/5!  

NIGHTMARE (2007)

In this Ruin My Lifetime original, Haylie Duff dedicates her college years to understandin’ her family’s curse of sleep paralysis, never suspectin’ it could accidentally let a supernatural bein’ slip into her life from another dimension and kill her loved ones. With impressive camerawork, subtle effects, and Haylie takin’ the charge as competent eye candy, this is better than it should be for a Lifetime flick. However, I think the monster’s lack of presence and rules sadly undermines the movie’s tension and leaves the characters without much of a build-up. Supernatural chokin’, astral projections, heart attacks, dream girls torpedoin’ through windshields, handful of bogus scares, shape shiftin’ creatures, and screamin’ young’ns! 3/5! 

NIGHTMARE BEACH aka WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK (1989)

It’s Spring Break at Daytona Beach, and horny partiers are randomly targeted by a killer biker zippin’ around town with an electric chair rigged to his bike. The tourists’ only hope for survivin’ the week is if a losin’ football player and his emotionless barmaid sidekick can figure out who the killer is before gangs and crooked officials catch them. This is a really fun ’80s flick that delivers a memorable slasher, entertainin’ characters, girls and boobs galore, a rockin’ soundtrack, and lots of so bad it’s awesome moments. My only beef with this is the killer’s inconsistent gimmick for the kills, and how the same songs play EVERY time certain characters come on screen like a comedic theme song. Electrifyin’ bikes, topless beach shows, surfer thieves, extra crispy biker babes, furnace blasts to the face, throats slashes, peepin’ toms, slowest chase scenes ever filmed on a moped, bike wrecks, maced dogs, crooked cover-ups, electric chair executions, elevator ambushes, Easter rubbers, cops dragged behind bikes, suicides, gang violence, and Gators!! 4/5!

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)

In this horror anthology, passin’ pedestrians are compelled to enter Mickey Rourke’s movie theater that looks like a set leftover from one of the From Dusk Till Dawn movies and watch shorts based on their supposed deaths they completely forgot ’bout. Sportin’ a collection of works by some of the best talents in horror and one of the sweetest soundtracks I’ve heard in a long time, this mash-up of twisted tales keep me on my toes with a nice mix of sub-genres that include slasher, sci-fi , supernatural thriller, and even a dash of arty fartsy, most of which come off like homages to popular fright flicks and their directors. The sour that completely ruins the movie for me as a whole, however, is the filmmakers tryin’ to thread these mini-flicks together with some half-ass developed host played by Mickey, a shirtless projectionist whose explanation for his segments in Nightmare Cinema conflicts with the nature of the shorts themselves and leaves me unnecessarily confused how it all fits together by the end. Space spiders, head splittin’, inside-out torchin’, hammer throwin’, e.t. carryin’ meteors, throat slittin’, fatal car jackin’s, demonic possessions, evil young’ns, fatal freefalls, slice ‘n diced young’ns, human pin cushions, sword fightin’, contorted possessions, fugly surgeries, sixth sense young’ns, ghostly murders, pastors bangin’ nuns, head stabbin’, and black and white fugly-vision! 2/5!

NIGHTMARE SHARK (2018)

It’s Freddy Krueger crossed with a shark movie as a Hawaiian shark god terrorizes a sleep study and uses their nightmares as a gateway for rulin’ the world. The pizza face shark eatin’ folks in their sleep may look as hokey as that Jaws effect from Back to the Future 2, but I gotta admit this is pretty creative for someone to pull out their ass. The cast gives believable enough performances, and the story’s surprisingly coherent, but I really wish the kills and dream sequences were more creative and gory. It’s an original mash-up of ideas I’m excited to see, but could be a lot better. Rub-a-dub deaths, free floatin’ zzzs, sleepy possessions, evil scientists, wrecked deaths, hilarious lookin’ water vomittin’, dream deserts, ventilation crawls, dead parent backstories, hypnosis, choke hold lullabies, monster killin’ MRI machines, late night tractor rides, and Hawaiian yard rituals! 3/5!

NIGHTMARE SISTERS (1987)

Shot in 4 days, this shoestring budget film is about ’80s scream queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle McClellan playing sorority nerds who buy a yard sale crystal ball that turns them into skin-flick succubi who like chomping frat’s dicks off like sharks in heat. What could easily be a fun dirty film with plenty of boobs and unforgettable tunes, this movie unfortunately suffers from its rushed filming. Outside the queens, the acting’s shit, the effects are sparse, scenes play waaay to long, and the story is simple but could be more exciting if the majority of the camera work wasn’t the most basic shot/reverse-shot set-up filmmakers learn their first day in film school. Rub-a-dub threesomes, pie covered boobs, Ferris Bueller sleeping gags, homophobia, ashy deaths, crystal ball traps, séances, Twister games, harsh Row Your Boat sing-alongs, Tarzan sex fantasies, spontaneous rock videos, and BDSM! 2/5!

THE NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2019)

A respectable sequel to Once Upon a Time at Christmas, the psycho dressed as Santa is still after his estranged daughter a year later with the help of his Harley Quinn-wannabe sidekick, and this time they’re flushin’ her out with a hit list of folks who wronged ’em. Spendin’ the bulk of the movie with costumed killers on a quest for revenge that’s a little all over the place, the only thing this sucker’s missin’ is Batman bustin’ ’em up. The other thing missin’ is an eye for continuity as I couldn’t resist startin’ a drinkin’ game based on the “fuck-it” disregard for how dirty or clean Santa’s wounds are and the lead FBI agent’s alternatin’ hair and make-up from one scene to the next. Axes to the face, car wrecks, women beatin’, board meetin’ massacres, jailbreaks, Christmas light stranglin’, severed penis tossin’, blood pissin’, Christmas PTSD, amateur strip teases, gunshots to the shoulder, flesh carvin’, kidnappin’, boobs on a slab, CSI magic with lights, impaled necks with spiked heels, lotta repetitive information, perverted priest beatin’, hospital showdowns, surprise poisonings, and human matchsticks! 3/5!

NIGHTWISH (1989)

In this kitchen sink flick with a non-sense title, a stiff-faced college professor takes a van full of grad students to a satanic home in UFO country to study paranormal activity, but things get wildly confusin’ when no one knows if the ecto-snakes, slimy e.t.s, and retarded henchmen after ’em are real threats or just one of the many explanations given for ’em bein’ bogus scares. So, yeah, while I love the idea of mixin’ ghosts with aliens and satanists, I don’t know what to take ‘way from this mulligan mess of a movie other than a few sweet special effects scenes. It’s story’s just too confusin’ with the filmmakers takin’ ambiguous endin’s to a whole new level with too many ways for me to understand what’s happenin’. Is the whole movie a student’s nightmare as a lab rat? Are green ghosts makin’ everyone hallucinate aliens? Can this all be a sadistic experiment by teachers from space? Who knows, who cares?! Parasite e.t.s, severed finger trophies, vomitin’, severed arms, roadkill rabbits, snake whackin’, randomly inserted dog footage, car wrecks, lab boobs, e.t. caressin’ with nips, zombie dreams, magic circles, pant pissin’, stabbin’s, spiritual photography, ghost whackin’ with purses, mine chases, head splittin’ with bugs, eerie green lights, slimy torso torture, gooey breedin’, and Chud lookin’ hallucinations! 2/5!

NIGHTWORLD (2017)

The star of Dazed and Confused takes a cushy job as a security couch potato, but things get dark fast when he finds out he’s actually guardin’ one of the seven gates of hell. Released by Gravitas Ventures (one of my big two distributers I normally avoid thanks to a predominant history of shitty movies), this flick ain’t all bad with familiar actors that include some hall of famers of horror like Robert Englund, and the filmmakers cleverly make a small production feel bigger than it is with epic storytellin’. Only thing worth bitchin’ about is the cinematography bein’ too washed out for my taste, and the pace kinda drags which kills the tension. Still a tolerable piece of entertainment, though. Ghostly throat slittin’, stabbin’s, clueless folks leadin’ the blind, blood spewin’ psycho bangin’ with no boobs, time bubbles, and hellish buddy systems! 3/5!   

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2018)

A shipload of spoiled youths take their rich cat family’s yacht for a spin, and after ’bout an hour of semi-interestin’ hi-jinks and industrial espionage I can’t keep track of, the unlucky eight end up stranded near an island with a mad science lab where an unexpected vagina-mug sea monster wants to come aboard before the flick abruptly ends. This terror on the sea has a lot goin’ for it as far as engagin’ actors, upbeat music, and decent ‘nough production value, but it’s like two different movies were slammed together with an easy-goin’ comedy takin’ a hard left at the last minute to be a horror flick. Spies, bikini bimbos, spear guns to the face, skulkin’ monsters, and a lot of green power rantin’ ‘gainst powerful corporations ruin’ the planet! 2/5! 

NO ESCAPE ROOM (2018)

A travelin’ daddy daughter duo check into a small town’s escape room with other tourists for fun but eventually figure out they’re all stuck in some haunted time travel experiment with a ghost or somethin’ after them that’s never really explained enough. This is one of them frustratin’ kind of Syfy movies that has a lot of promise but ultimately drops the ball with the escalation of danger draggin’ its feet, scenes spinnin’ its wheels with the same ol’ actions, and me not understandin’ the exact nature of who or whatever’s after the players. Not a bad movie, but you may as well watch folks escape those Cube movies for a more satisfyin’ story. Guts full of keys, severed toilet bowl hands, creepy corpses, offscreen creatures, shadow people, hidden clues, haunted houses, time loops, time travel, ventilation crawlin’, blood drippin’, ghosts I think, calls from the future, hangin’s, wet sirens that are really chain entanglin’ gears, A Ha paintin’s, time trippin’ restrooms, yanked fingernails, and never drink the complimentary tea! 3/5!

NO TELL MOTEL (2012)

A gang of young ramblers wreck their RV in the boonies and rough it in an abandoned motel full of malicious ghosts preyin’ on their darkest secrets. A pretty solid film, it kicks off on all too familiar steps for a horror, but quickly spins into its own thing with convincin’ characters, real dangers, and twists in the storyline I wasn’t expectin’. The filmmakers definitely knew what they were doin’ from the script to the cinematography and it shows. Flipped RVs, fishin’ pain pills outta toilets, impalements, hit and runs, young’n deaths, overdoses, kidnappin’, childbirths, morphine highs, twisted family drama, baby daddy drama, visits from Aunt Flow, ghost kids, hidden corpses, ghosts stuck on replay, attempted suicides, and the scariest rockin’ horse ever captured on celluloid! 3/5! 

NOCTURNE (2020)

An ambitious music student finds a suicidal girl’s notebook that somehow manipulates things in her favor to be a superstar for no good reason, but her ivory key masterpiece might just be her Black Swan song. A Blumhouse original for Amazon Prime streamers, this teen angst ridden commentary on the cutthroat world of aspirin’ musicians delivers on characters that pull me to the edge of my bar stool in baited anticipation for what happens to all these folks, but the myth ‘hind the whole supernatural side of things don’t make the most sense and culminates in a pretty disappointin’ endin’. This would be a lot better if the filmmakers somehow tied the girl’s mentor in with the magical hoodoo of the suicide notes, so he could more directly explain its purpose and goal for me to better understand the counterintuitive finale which lacks any clarity regardin’ the student’s actions as her own or not. It also doesn’t help how the student’s final actions to fulfill the prophecy too closely mirrors her twin’s accident she kinda caused, ’cause that’s basically a sacrifice of sorts with her talent bein’ takin’ away from her. Fatal freefalls, crushed head spooks, slappin’, cake throwin’, jail bait affairs, Aunt Flow cameos, bloody tampon pranks, bangin’ with no boobs, and mystical light shows! 3/5!

NOMADS (1986)

Pierce Brosnan dies while whisperin’ sweet nothin’ in a doctor’s chewed off ear and somehow makes her walk a mile in his shoes with some kind of flashback possession that manipulates her to save his wife from supernatural nomads. The surreal look and feel of this movie has some merit, but its parallel storytellin’ and flip flop editin’ is too clever for its own good and results in a bunch of back and forth bullshit that should have just ixnayed all the doctor stuff for a straight up story ’bout Pierce matchin’ wits with loiterin’ ghosts. Punk girl dancin’, home wreckin’ flash mob, car wrecks, photojournalist sleuthin’, head stabbin’, creepy nuns with changin’ eye colors, punk bashin’, nipple suckin’, butt naked Pierce, confusin’ endin’s, spirited free falls, and an unbelievable turn-out of angry nomads whose motivations are anyone’s guess! 2/5!

NOPE (2022)

Siblin’ movie horse ranchers discover somethin’ beastial movin’ behind the clouds ‘bove ’em, and they’re willin’ to risk their lives for the fortune a clear picture of it could bring. Writer/director Jordan Peel’s junior venture into horror, this may be his best movie yet, but it does feel borderline absurd most the time thanks to the monster remindin’ me of Nintendo’s Kirby. Despite this abstract scare tactic, however, there are some genuinely terrifyin’ scenes of folks bein’ digested alive while their collective screams fill the sky, and even some unnervin’ side scenes of a chimp goin’ ape-shit I don’t think audiences connect to the overall story the way Jordan intended. But more sweets than sour, this sucker packs epic landscapes, leads worth cheerin’ fer, and plenty of set-ups and payoffs fans have come to praise Jordan’s work fer. Worth a watch, but not if yer an animal lover. Western theme parks, sitcom massacres, face poundin’, explodin’ chimp heads, dissolvin’ bodies, motorcycle wrecks, biological EMP fields, horse ridin’, horse deaths off screen, rodeo show massacres, video survelience galore, fatal impalement, and bloody e.t. stool showers! 4/5!

THE NORLISS TAPES (1973)

An annoyed publisher finds out an author he paid an advance to write a book on debunkin’ the supernatural has disappeared, and all that’s left is his collection of tapes dictatin’ a case involvin’ a rich gal’s reanimated husband killin’ folks from beyond the grave to summon a demon fer immortality. A fairly entertainin’ TV flick with more booga boos than expected, the biggest sour I have with this sucker is its indifferent hero, Norliss, who never has the reaction I’d expect fer someone whose finally encounterin’ paranormal activity he can’t chalk up to simple parlor tricks. Always cool, calm, and collected, even when carryin’ out questionable tactics ‘gainst demons and the undead, his rattled decision makin’ to disappear at the beginnin’ of the flick outta shock doesn’t make a lick o’ sense after seein’ how he effortlessly handles himself throughout the case. There’s other little issues I have with the story like some of the rich gal’s bafflin’ decision makin’, but I can forgive alotta that thanks to such memorable monsters tearin’ through the small screen. Flamin’ blood circles, crypts, fatal grave robbin’, window breakin’ ambushes, bloody clay sculptin’, demonic art, cursed rings, hoodoo ladies, dark and stormy nights, walkin’ dead, puppers killed in action, car manglin’, underworld bargainin’, and chases through secret tunnels! 3/5!

NOTHING LEFT TO FEAR (2013)

Pastor Clancy Brown dupes a holy rollin’ family to move to his rural spec town and instantly offers them as an annual sacrifice to a blob of CGI shadows that possesses one of the new preacher’s kids. Only the oldest daughter has a fightin’ chance with the help of a farm boy mannequin, but she’ll learn there’s more than one way to end the ritual. Solidly directed and co-scored by Guns N’ Roses’ lead guitarist Slash, this flick feels very Lovecraft with its monster servin’ community theme and delivers the sweets with a top dollar lookin’ production, good actin’, cinematic eye candy, and impressive special effects. Only sours for me are some spotty escalations of danger here and there with questionable details like why Clancy’s so afraid of this CGI shitstorm if he’s the one controllin’ when it comes and goes? Face meltin’ dream sheep, gooey touches of evil, young’ns shoved out homes to their deaths, possessions, anaconda jaws, black goo vomit, blood rituals, magic cakes with claws, bloody mouths, sheeps’ throats slit, bloody doors, CGI nightmares, afternoon delights on a pipe, roofied sacrifices, and folks drained to ashes! 4/5! 

NOWHERE ELSE aka BAT OUTTA HELL aka LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL (2013)

In this horror from down under, a clueless film crew is manipulated into drivin’ through a one shack outback town called Nowhere Else so they’ll cluelessly attract a giant face stealin’ bat creature their newest client wants captured. Your basic tag you’re dead runaround without a lot of story, this is a pretty decent watch, but I really wish the CGI creature was more convincin’ than a Windows screensaver. The sweetest part is veteran action star Vernon Wells playin’ a monster huntin’ innkeeper who deserves waaay more screen time than he gets. Stock footage surfin’, splattered critters, Ozzie stews, peepin’ toms, face stealin’, tunnel chases, monster hidey holes, dead kangaroo bait, and don’t come knockin’ if the trailers rockin’! 3/5! 

NUDIST COLONY OF THE DEAD (1991)

Church hatin’ nudists commit suicide after cursin’ Bible thumpers for shuttin’ down their colony and now rise from their graves for revenge by dismemberin’ the periodic spiritual retreat for the town’s horn dog teens. Havin’ watched the restored version that hacks together original footage with shot-on-video back-ups and redone credit sequences, I didn’t know what to expect from this flick, but I can honestly say I was pretty let down by the time the end credits rolled. It kicks off with hags, boobs, and an amazin’ theme song every horror fan should add to their Halloween playlist, but then spends most the run time on a van full of victims who’re just a buncha one note characters repeatin’ the same jokes over and over ‘gain ‘stead of actually tellin’ a story with the briefest topless ghoul action in the third act. Even worse — this is a fuckin’ musical! Nothin’ wrong with that mind ya, but I saved my eardrums the strain and just fast forward through that noise, savin’ me from watchin’ as much as a third of the movie. Folks cut in half, runnin’ leg props, suicide pacts, posionin’, campsite massacres, yackin’ decapitated heads, human roadkill, Bible swallowin’, fatal freefalls from cliffs, no flesh eatin’, ear severin’, no dongs, drivin’ dead, lowest hangin’ tits ever committed to celluloid, redneck strip poker, helicopter rescues, raps, and unexpected twist endin’s! 2/5! 

THE NUN (2018)

A loose prequel to The Conjuring, nuns are droppin’ like Amityville flies when a demon pulls a sister act tryin’ to escape its confinement beneath a Romanian monastery, earnin’ it the attention of the Vatican who sends a priest and a psychic nun in trainin’ to investigate. I can’t tell much what happens after that, ’cause this movie is filmed so dark, the scariest part is me thinkin’ I’m goin’ blind! I guess it’s supposed to immerse us in the dark age settin’ with candles as folks’ primary weapon against the dark, but I gotta see what’s goin’ on to be scared, ’cause the sounds sure weren’t doin’ it. I also think the filmmakers banked too much on audiences bein’ spooked by the image of the nun alone and didn’t do enough to make me fear the character versus her uniform. I was also confused by Taissa Farmiga starrin’ in this, ’cause I don’t pay attention to names and thought she was a young Lorraine Warren given she’s Vera Farmiga’s younger sister and all. Hangin’ nuns, possessions, romantic goat farmers, spittin’ locals, army of cloaks, watery graves, unholy seals, prayer circle bowlin’, ghost nuns, yappin’ nun corpses, folks buried alive, dead ringers symphony, supernatural visions, exorcism flashbacks, prayer galore, and a flock of dead birds! 3/5!

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE (2022)

A fruitcake of a German soldier from the 1800s ‘comes a die-hard fan of the Nutcracker ballet and somehow ties his soul to a larger than life nutcracker after scarfin’ down jewels from Hell (. . . okay . . .). Over a hundred years later, he’s supernaturally reactivated at Christmas by a nutcracker enthusiast with unclear motivations and ruins a family’s holiday get together as he slays ’em in search of his fantasized betrothed. A lukewarm novelty horror at best, this flick has ‘nough characters and plot to be a decent watch, but it’s constantly trippin’ over its boots with some of the most convoluted expositions I’ve ever had the displeasure followin’ in order to understand why the nutcracker’s guttin’ folks in semi-creative ways. I’m still at a loss fer what the shop keeper’s role is in all this, and a little more baffled the filmmakers went with a rubber Halloween mask for their mon-star of a Nutcracker ‘stead of a resin or fiberglass head. Throat stabbin’ with icicles, human size gifts, stranglin’ with Christmas lights, stomach slicin’, eye gougin’, faces full of candy canes, longwinded story tellin’, sugarplum fairy switcheroos, weaponized tree toppers, and yes — one graphic close-up of a fella gettin’ his nuts cracked off! 3/5! 

NYMPH (2020)

In this short from Ireland, it’s eye for an eye payback as a mythical force curses a love triangle’s campin’ trip after one of ’em accidentally turns an innocent critter to pavement pizza. The editin’s a little jump cutty every now and then, and I hate how the campers are pretty clueless there’s even a pissed off creature after ’em, but despite that, this is a solidly entertain’ film that manages to make 15 minutes feel like a lean mean feature with all the expected horror tropes filtered through alotta creative camerawork. Nymph feels like a classic spaghetti horror at times, utilizes film techniques reminiscent of Spielberg, George Miller, and Hitchcock, and is wonderfully elevated by an atmospheric score in the vein of It Follows. Lotta buddin’ talent I can’t wait to see more from. Graphic roadkills, mutilated dogs, peanut allergies, hit and runs, and horse stampedes! 3/5!