M – R-Rated Reviews

logotitle copy3

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

MA (2019)

Octavia Spencer opens her basement to underage alcoholics wantin’ to party, but her desire to be popular spirals into psycho stalker drama as the dimwit high schoolers learn she’s really usin’ ’em to get revenge on their parents who tricked her into suckin’ some rando’s dick years ago. A Ruin My Lifetime kinda drama with a budget, this flick’s ridiculous but entertainin’. The kids make alotta dumb decisions, and Octavia gets her crazy on with a murder happy endin’. The only sour that makes me look at the screen funny is the whole thing with Octavia’s daughter that feels pretty unnecessary as underdeveloped as it is. Must be a casualty of some deleted scenes. Texts galore, bosses stuffed in cages, fake illnesses, injured doggies offscreen, hangin’s, slit wrists, dog blood transfusions, black kids in white face, kidnappin’ with pinchy collars, stabbin’s, horse tranq roofies, jewelry theft, housefires, demented photos, disturbin’ shrines to tragic pasts, upstairs lock-ups, ironed abs, bimbo roadkill, and a laughable preacher’s daughter pretendin’ to be passed out to enjoy a party! 3/5! 

THE MAD (2007)

Bad meat turns a small town festival into a zombie outbreak, and a family of passin’ tourists take it ‘pon themselves to stop the farm responsible. A fairly entertainin’ horror comedy with Billy Zane as its leadin’ man savin’ the day, the dialogue’s nice and snappy with well timed pops of respectable gore, but it’s a little too laid back which robs the story of some much needed urgency that woulda pulled me in more. Creepy crawlin’ steaks, maulin’s, flesh chompin’, repetitive tunes, bitch step-moms, insightful debates on what qualifies as a zombie, meat grindin’, kidnappin’s, stabbin’s, and decapitatin’! 3/5! 

MAD GOD (2021)

A masked soldier marches through a hellish landscape of stop-motion terrors and monstrosities with orders to detonate a bomb in the nerve center of everything wrong with his world, but plans don’t always work out the way they’re supposed to. An animated trek through a literal smorgasbord of boddy horrors, this silent scream from special effects guru Phil Tippett is unrelentin’ nightmare fuel of dread and desolate despair from beginnin’ to end, and is sure to ‘come a cult classic. While its story may not be the deepest, its gut punchin’ visuals are a force to be reckoned with as it bombards its viewers with ‘nough shock and awe value to ever consider a second viewin’. Kitchen sink guttin’ surgeries, holy figures, car wrecks, crappy maps, monstrous sentinels, evil surgeosn, hairball babies, hair doll minions, rippin’, tearin’, exaggerated bodily functions, and a whole lot more! 3/5!  

MAGGIE (2015)

Arnie flexes his actin’ muscle yankin’ audience’s heart strings as a stoic farmer comfortin’ his daughter’s transition into a zombie at which point he has to decide if he or the zombie pound’s gonna put her down. Despite bein’ an anti-climatic bummer of a flick more akin to a cancer drama than a horror, this is a well-made movie that manages to dig the emotions out of ya thanks to a beautiful score. Have that phone ready to speed dial lovin’ messages to folks after watchin’ this. Arnold vs zombies, surprisingly lax quarantine regulations, dyin’ make-out sessions, dead foxes, swat team housecalls, and someone tells Arnie they’ll be back! 3/5! 


Girl next door majorettes are singled out by a masked maniac in camouflage who has an affinity for baptizing. Really stiff acting with a lot of preachy after school moments and layered subplots, the most memorable thing about this movie is how it ditches the slasher story half-way through and detours into a completely separate revenge story with a football player going vigilante Rambo on a murderous biker gang! Girls dancing as well as a Saturday Night Live skit, shower slashing, throat slitting, diving board ambushes, slasher vision, double crosses, gunfights at the trailer home corral, explosions, one of the saddest strip joints ever committed to celluloid, strippers with snakes, shy boobs, peeping tom goobers, and attempted rape. 2/5!


Against all better judgement, a gal who can see dead people is pressured by her schemin’ brother to perform one of their bogus paranormal investigations for an ol’ woman haunted by dead kids, but things turn nasty when their team of con artists realize their client’s the one who killed ’em. An all ’round decent supernatural flick, this sucker maintains a slow and steady pace but keeps me mildly engage thanks to the actin’. The only sours I have an issue with are how some of the events frustratingly unfold throughout the movie from the investigators’ poorly planned attacks ‘gainst their aggressors to the ridiculous car crash durin’ a near escape that’s the vehicle equivalent of a slasher’s victim constantly fallin’ down durin’ a chase. Mouth sewin’, shovel whackin’, knife whackin’, ghost young’ns, spectral shriekin’, car wrecks, nose bleedin’, bookie beat-downs, kidnappin’, torture basements, and geezer roadkill! 3/5! 


An earthquake releases goblin sharks from underground caverns, and they’re obsessed with eatin’ Malibu lifeguards stranded by a CGI tsunami in a half sunk watch tower. Not awful ‘nough to be memorable much less good ‘nough to be buzz worthy, this is just a mundane TV shark flick to casually pass a rainy afternoon with. The CGIs decent, the actin’s believable ‘nough, and there’s noticeable tension . . . eh. Lot of severed legs, fatal parasailin’, severed arms, goblin sharks decapitated with power saws, and goblin sharks eatin’ other goblin sharks, swimmin’ lunches, and a joke of tsunami devastation said to be worse than the infamous one from 2004 in the Indian Ocean! 3/5! 


An abused prego loses her family overnight and starts havin’ lucid episodes of a twisted slasher workin’ his way through a hit list of doctors she wants to help the police stop. Best described as Basket Case meets The Dark Half, this flick’s feature killer comes off more like a super villain than the next great boogey man, and it doesn’t help his leadin’ lady is a lame duck who spends more time reactin’ to situations than expressin’ herself as a character with any substance worth me givin’ a damn ’bout. A sandbox kinda experiment in filmmakin’ with heavy-horror-hitter James Wan spinnin’ horror yarn with the visual energy of a comic book movie, the story’s an entertainin’ mess of set-ups and character developments with a pretty predictable endin’, but it still manages to be an attention grabbin’ watch by the final act. Weaponized awards, wife beatin’, head trauma, separation anxiety, vague electrical powers that are never really explained, radio wave yappin’, semi-possessin’, stabbin’s galore, Siamese surgeries, chasin’ through Seattle’s underground, jail cell massacres, ladies on the can, mind manipulatin’, police station massacres, and bed flippin’! 3/5! 


Sam Elliot plays a World War II vet in the 1980s whose top secret reputation for killin’ Hitler pegs him as the perfect soldier the government needs to hunt and kill a plaque carryin’ Big Foot in the Great White North. Sam sums the movie up best when he chews a scene with Ron Livingston sayin’ this ain’t the comic book story you want it to be. While we do see him assassinate the fuhrer and fist fight a sickly ‘squatch to the death, the majority of the movie is more ’bout Sam mullin’ ’round with his memories and regrets for things he’s done and the girl he pushed away. It’s similar to Bubba Ho-Tep, but not as funny or effective with the lead’s emotional story arc. Still worth seein’ for Sam’s brawl with Bigfoot though, which I think is more epic than The Six Million Dollar Man’s run-in with the behemoth. Broken arms, bullets to the head, G.I. spies, ears bitten off, dead moose, sickly wildlife, rings of fire, pukin’, and senior street brawls! 3/5!


Despite what the cover leads you to believe, this Robocop-lookin’ Full Moon flick is actually a super villain origin story ’bout a Dr. Doom wannabe stealin’ a super android he created with his geezer partner. Powered by an amazin’ new element and operated by a VR helmet, the Mandroid unit helps the evil genius get revenge on his colleagues for his disfigurement and make a fast buck as a weapons dealer. If you’re a Marvel fan, you’re goin’ to enjoy pointin’ out all the Fantastic Four references in this thing! Well shot with a good story and acting, this just needed a stand-out hero and a poster that doesn’t advertise the last minute of the movie. Car wrecks, minin’ with robot fists, crystal freezers, UN agents, tidy bums, silent squatter henchmen, metal masks, toxic disfigurements, techno-psychic links, explosions, dead man draws, boobs, gunshots to the chest, and robot’s biggest weaknesses are their eyes! 3/5! 

MANDY (2018)

Nicholas Cage seeks revenge on a Jesus freak cult of bikers and hippies for killin’ his woman and slaughters them all one by one. A two hour metal movie with as much story as a princess rescuin’ video game, Mandy is visually stunnin’ but a tolerance testin’ slow burn that tempts you to hit that fastforward button after 30-40 minutes of endless slow-mo scenes that do very little to develop the story or characters. If you’re simply wantin’ to see this for Cage’s splatter chainsaw fights with fantasy bikers and cult members, skip ’bout 55 minutes into the movie and have that remote ready to bypass all the artsy fartsy bullshit between throwdowns. Stabbin’s, weapon forgin’, human matchsticks, bike wrecks, magically summoned henchmen, home invasion, kidnappin’, box cutter fightin’, decapitations, barbwire gags, retro porn, nailed hands, lead pipe beatdowns, booger sugar boosts, car wrecks, chainsaw duels, cult leader dongs, pyramids, head crushin’, ax wieldin’ heroes, impaled heads, and jealous hags! 2/5!


A thief pretends to be a babysitter so she and her gang can rob an ol’ bat blind while watchin’ her young’n Mandy, but their heist goes to shit when the ankle biter turns out to be a fussy killer doll. Nowhere near as fun as Chucky but more entertainin’ than Robert, the best part ’bout Mandy is seein’ how the filmmakers pull off their livin’ doll effects with cinema magic tricks like shakin’ her offscreen and usin’ jerky stop-motion. Regardin’ the sours I can’t overlook, the story’s escalation of danger’s a little off, the actors have inconsistent bursts of melodramatic actin’ that leaves me laughin’, and the bookendin’ segments are just unnecessary and feel too much like an afterthought. Possessed dolls that talk, cry, kidnap, and kill, limp wrist granny violence, stabbin’s, coagulated blood droolin’ facials, home invasions, peepin’ rub-a-dub toms, haunted parties, evil cock blocks, spooky deliveries, and dolly breast feedin’! 2/5!


A hysterical cop and his mystic neighbor comically set out to exorcise a possessed laundry-foldin’ machine Robert Englund and the rest of hickville’s crooked elite have been routinely sacrificin’ teenagers to for power and fortune. From Tobe “Chainsaw Massacre” Hooper, this is the goofiest, most ridiculous Stephen King related flick I’ve ever witnessed, and I love every minute of it! The flick’s played ’bout as straight as it can be for such a silly concept and is epically presented as all get out, but the pacin’s a hair too fast, the ADR really takes me outta the movie, everyone in make-up looks like a Dick Tracy villain, there’s some abrupt scene jumps, the twists ain’t the clearest, and the laundry machine looks like it was bought from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory! A fun oddity from some of horror’s biggest icons ya have to see to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! Severed fingers, possessed minions, mangled and folded factory workers, blood spewin’ death coughs, suffocated young’ns, ticket happy traffic incidents, supernatural ice box light shows, obscured CGI monsters, folks cut in half, arm choppin’, exorcisms, virgin interrogations, hotel doorman lookin’ cops, safety bars, smilin’ dogs, burn effects that look like spaghetti sauce mishaps, and blood contracts with demons! 5/5!

THE MANGLER 2 (2002)

When a bitter teen surfs the dark web and uploads the Mangler2.0 virus into her school’s Big Brother security system, it’s a horny race for the door as a gang of pranksters do their best to stay out of the sentient tech’s murderous reach. A sequel in name only, this flick is a major step back from the wacky big budget fun that made the first Mangler so enjoyable. While it features a likable cast and an interestin’ ‘nough premise, the filmmakers just don’t have the creative chops to pull off the scope they’re goin’ for, leavin’ us with alotta time chewin’ run ’rounds, confusin’ transitions, and super cheap effects like puppeteered wires holdin’ gardenin’ sheers. The only semi-sweet but still awful moment is Lance Henriksen’s suspended performance as the final boss, a rapey wire infused cyborg quotin’ Spice Girl lyrics. Website hackin’, email hackin’, laundry machine kills, electric fence deaths, car crashes, randomly vanishin’ characters (‘less you watch the VHS copy of the flick), hangin’s, axed cripples, handicap falls down stairs, pool parties, boilin’ room temperatures, amateur saboteurs, freezer traps, cameras galore, chefs with true survival instincts, killer viruses wantin’ to be a dad, and one bafflin’ endin’ with some unexplained tech and diesel only bags! 2/5!


The final nail in the coffin of this troubled trilogy, the series comes back to its roots with a possessed handy man rebuildin’ parts of the originally laundry machine of evil into a chop suey meat grinder he throws kidnapped ladies into for a hefty bowl of regenerative blood soup. While I appreciate this nugget of an idea to justify ‘nother Mangler sequel, that’s unfortunately all it is. A top shelf production edited like an indie film with zip substance, there’s so little happenin’ in this flick with flat characters pissin’ the time away with blow by blow meanderin’ ’round the killer’s house, I watched 2/3 of this sucker on fastforward and understood everythin’ happenin’. Well, at least we get a naked shower scene. Ripped up faces, head bashin’ with hammers, folks turned to conveyor belt mince meat, prison home remodelin’, home invasions, air duct sneakin’, possessions, long awkward scenes, long openin’ credits, kidnappin’, gore bath hidey holes, blood soup, and respawnin’ deaths! 2/5! 


A traumatized profiler is nudged outta retirement to help the FBI catch the serial killin’ pen pal of his last twisted arrest, Dr. Hannibal “the Cannibal” Lecktor, and is not surprisingly compelled to take charge in catchin’ this chomp happy Tooth Fairy ‘fore he slaughters more families. The flick that initially gets the ball rollin’ for the more popular Hannibal Lecktor sequels, this longwinded crime thriller’s like watchin’ an early Dirty Harry movie without the gunplay while milkin’ every ounce of melodrama out of its scenes that could’ve been cut waaay back. If you’ve seen the 2002 remake Red Dragon, you’ve pretty much seen this, ‘cept Anthony Hopkins was given more screen time as Hannibal while Brian Cox’s mouth gappin’ performance is underplayed for two to three fleetin’ moments. Modestly entertainin’ however ya slice it. Landline phone hackin’, kidnappin’, human matchstick rides in a wheelchair, gouged eyes with mirrors, nasty crime photos, ever changin’ cereal aisle of exposition, blind whores, newspaper decodin’, shoot ’em up endin’s, door crashin’, fake chompers, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

zmanTHE MANITOU (1978)

A red skin midget with some seriously bad mojo is bein’ reincarnated through a lump on the back of a poor woman’s neck, and her floor of the hospital becomes a supernatural battleground between medicine men, quack fortune tellers, and tech savvy doctors. Well acted with some characters you can root for, my only complaint about this scary Native American flick is we never care about the gal with the prego neck because the movie’s not told from her perspective which I think is a BIG miss on the filmmakers’ part. Office computers as big as fridges, possessions, floatin’ seniors, old ladies hurled down flights of stairs, frozen stiffs, airborne headsickles, re-animated minions, surgery room chaos with lasers, scalpels to the hand, botched surgeries, Burgess Meredith gives his two cents on the plot, séances, oily visions, trippin’ backdrops, artic transformations, explosive typewriters, ghost lizards, fireballs, lasers in outer space, and one of the coolest shamans ever captured on celluloid! 3/5!


After an eye surgeon accidentally blinds his daughter in a car wreck, he becomes obsessed with helpin’ her see again with eye transplant after failed eye transplant. Surprisingly, the daughter never questions where her pop’s been gettin’ her new eyes from or hears the blinded victims howlin’ in terror from their cell in the basement. This may start off kind of hum-drum for a horror flick with the well-meanin’ eye doctor lackin’ an engagin’ screen presence, but things get damn creepy when we find out the doctor’s keepin’ his kidnapped donnors alive so he can repay them with new eyes once he figures out a successful technique for the delicate transplant. Eye gougin’, scar tissue galore, hit and runs to your disfigurement, roofies, blind folk in traffic, escape plans, stranger dangers, mugging’s by bums, and Lance Henriksen leads the blind! 4/5!

MARA (2018)

A psychologist has second thoughts breakin’ up a family when the mangled sleep paralysis demon they blame for killin’ the man of their house curses her with a deadly case of stoner eyes. Well shot and acted, this is one of the better flicks I’ve seen exploit the phenomenon of sleep paralysis when folks wake up unable to move with the feelin’ of a demonic presence in the room. Far from a bad flick but falls just a little short of bein’ somethin’ special. Four blood poppin’ eye stages, 20 minute power naps, paranormal strangulation, crooked she spooks, gas guzzlin’ suicides, human matchsticks, car wrecks, supernatural marks for death, head twistin’ deaths, fatal sleep studies, near eye lid clippin’, rub a dub scares, surprise corpses, and psych out endin’s! 4/5! 

MARGAUX (2022)

An Airbnb smart house full of shapeshiftin’ nanotech ran by an AI named Margaux ‘comes self aware, and to understand humans’ illogical nature better, it sets out to be a slang speakin’ serial killer and targets its latest Spring Break party guests as part of its experiment. A fun flick featurin’ a root worthy cast with humorous beats ‘mong plenty of tense comic bookish moments, Margaux is terrific technophobia that exploits the ways modern technology can go awry in the most outlandish ways. There’s alotta questionable logic toward the end as to how Margaux’s not more powerful and just outright winnin’ given the yahoos she’s after are surrounded and even covered in nanotech she controls without direct contact, but there’s ‘nough sweet ingredients to overlook such important details and just enjoy the ride. Mangled hands, acidic cocktails, explosions, hackin’, head poppin’, bone snappin’, ridiculous neck breakin’, hair yankin’, Doctor Octopus arms, wacky tobacky smokin’, sex dungeon deaths, electrocutin’, drownin’, trick ceilings, robot doppelgangers, and easy access computer nerve centers! 4/5!

MARTIN (1978)

Whether he’s a true ass vampire from the turn of the century or a delusional young man, Martin’s druggin’ and killin’ women for their blood, and his holy rollin’ uncle’s gonna save his soul before stakin’ him through the chest. While this “is he, isn’t he” flick is said to be George Romero’s favorite among his movies, it’s a slow burn with a lot of meanderin’ that doesn’t build up to much of a satisfyin’ resolution. Not a bad film whatsoever, but definitely not for everyone. Train car rape, cougar seduction, roofie injections, wrist slittin’ with razors, blood drinkin’, bloodsuckin’ flashbacks/dreams, backyard burials, stakes through the heart, home invasions, cops ‘n crooks shootouts, and Tom Savini without his ‘stach! 3/5!


Salvaging cheap footage that captured the worst trends of 1994, this repackaged flick features a halfway house of delinquents gettin’ pummeled to bloody messes by a masked psycho they think is their ex-wrestlin’ barbarian for a guardian, but we viewers know it’s really the musclebound college student played by Troma hall-of-famer Brick Bronsky. While this low budget drama-fest ain’t the most excitingly shot thing I’ve ever seen and drags its feet as far as the horror’s concerned, I’m still impressed with how well the filmmakers develop the characters and how effective the editing for the fight scenes are. Every death offers a fleetin’ moment of forgettable gore, but I still have fun watchin’ the one punk gettin’ bear hugged like a ferociously squeezed bottle of strawberry syrup. Fatal wrestlin’ matches, face bashin’, nun-chuck demos, boobs in the shower, sex in the sheets, neck snappin’, fryin’ pan defenses, family drama backstories, modern podcastin’ wraparounds, severed limbs, evidence burnin’ furnaces, and trouble teen throwdowns! 2/5!


Salem, Massachusetts has its saddest turnout for Halloween ever, and local reenactors of the Salem witch trials spend the night runnin’ from a supposedly cursed mob of tourists blamin’ ’em for fatal sickness they believe will take a public execution to cure. An all ’round clever horror comedy with a nice ensemble of characters played by some talented folks, my only gripe with this sucker is the filmmakers’ shortcomings when it comes to anythin’ involvin’ action. Aside from every fight sequence bein’ chopped together in a series of jump cuts, the overall chase itself is an unimaginative joke with a buncha chance encounters strung together by some piss poor geography that makes the reenactors look more stupid than funny. I mean, I imagine Salem’s a big ‘nough town for these local scapegoats to easily avoid bein’ burned at the stake, so why do they feel like there’s no other choice but to elbow their way through droves of attackers at times when literally any other direction is safer? The best part is the pretentious showdown ‘tween thespians when the witch trial reenactors cross paths with the snootier Revolutionary War reenactors. Poisoned stamps, human road kill, Bible thumpin’ troublemakers, talentless agents, escape tunnels, full backside man ass, fatal stompin’, and corn mazes! 3/5!


Decades after a blonde bombshell makes contact with her family’s demon in a mausoleum, the evil within her finally kicks into high gear for no real reason and turns her into a homicidal sex addicted demonoid her shrink’s gotta exorcise in as bafflin’ fashion as it arrived. While the rules of this green eyed curse from hell are kinda all over the place, this is still a fun watch with well paced punches of nudity right outta Playboy Forum followed by some pretty graphic gore. Flirtin’ and bumpin’ uglies with the gardner, explodin’ heads, supposed gardenin’ tool kills, mind control face meltin’ with eyeball poppin’, slashin’ from ‘cross the room, levitatin’ aunts, fatal freefalls that end with impalement on mall art, art theft, boobs in the tub, handful of topless scenes, demonic transformations, attics full of corpses, hypnosis, crown of thorns exorcisms, funerals, fireballs on wheels, and demonic boobs eatin’ through guys’ chests! 4/5! 

MAYHEM (2017)

A big shot law office is infected with a red eye disease that makes people go ape shit, and one wrongly fired ladder climber kills his way to the top of the corporate food chain to get his job back with help from a crazy hot chick. A wildly violent video game-like flick with music video flare, this delivers the action and craziness it promises with very smart likeable characters worth rootin’ for. The first act drags a bit to establish character, but it’s time well spent for the satisfyin’ payoff at the end. Stabbin’s, impalements, pissin’ on bodies, fatal freefalls, head bashin’, nailgun sharpshooters, scissors through hands, HR dumpster fires, brass knuckle throwdowns, powersaw violence, boobs, office sex, blackmail sex vids, cutthroat promotions, and nine iron smashin’! 4/5! 


A corporation dumps its toxic waste in the desert and mutates run of the mill scorpions into big-ass bugs invadin’ a halfway house for crooks and loonies. This flick may not have the biggest budget for a satisfyin’ amount of scorpion action that’s a mix of practical effects and CGI, but it’s a well written story with engagin’ characters that hold your interest. Liquefied insides, decapitations, arrogant mayors, death by stingers, bloody remains, mutant cock blocks, attempted rape, random residents out of the blue, Brinke Stevens washes the dishes, and Trent Haaga plays up the crazy! 3/5!


A freak accident turns Chevy Chase invisible, and ‘stead of crackin’ jokes ’bout it, he surprisingly plays it straight as a semi-tragic everyman who’s gotta outsmart secret agents wantin’ him as their weapon. One of John Carpenter’s lesser talked ’bout movies that’s more dramatic thriller than his usual science fiction/horror, this is an all ’round great flick that thoughtfully explores the shortcomin’s of bein’ invisible from seein’ through yer eye lids when ya sleep to watchin’ yer food digest in the air. Packed with timeless special effects, clever storytellin’ with the camera, solid actin’, and insightful depth to one of the world’s most wished super powers, this is one invisible man movie ya gotta see! Fatal freefalls, house squattin’, ghost jokes, premature ejaculation, invisible man upchuck, make-up masks, pantsin’, silly accents, cab rides with drunk Bernie, helicopter chases, half invisible buildings in flux, invisible streakin’, invisible bubblegum chewin’, and a triumphant soundin’ score by Batman: The Animated Series composer Shirley Walker! 4/5! 


Agent M is the newest rookie to join the world’s only defense ‘gainst intergalactic scumwads, and her first assignment is at the M.I.B.’s European branch where she meets Agent H and investigates a suspected mole in the organization who’s aidin’ an e.t. invasion of Earth. It ain’t easy followin’ a box-office act like Agent K and J after three solid movies, but the filmmakers successfully give the franchise a fresh new spin while keepin’ things familiar. The newest M.I.B. partners are brilliantly written as clever role reversals of J and K, the series mythos is effortlessly expanded, and the story allows for a more epic adventure. The biggest sour, unfortunately, is I don’t think any of it is funny, and the filmmakers lack that stylish touch that makes director Barry Sonnenfeld’s movies so special. I also have problems with some story points, understandin’ Agent M’s trainin’ timeline and her exact expertise, and silly melodramatic moments forced into a fizzle of an endin’, but would forgive all that if any of it made me laugh. E.T. tentacle sex, slow-mo powers, illusion fields, neuralizers, beard e.t.s, e.t. agents, poisonous snake bites, weaponized car accessories, explosions, e.t. dance clubs, drugged darts, three armed hotties, pocket-size canyon blastin’ guns, toyetic sidekicks, space portals, Thing-themed e.t. baddies, Eiffel Tower set pieces, flyin’ bikes, bunch of dead e.t.s, trans-continental super trains, flyin’ cars, and fatal meltdowns! 3/5!

THE MENU (2022)

Chef Slowik is the epitome of fine cookin’ but has unfortunately lost his passion thanks to the dinin’ experience bein’ ruined by pretentious food critics and passive eaters. Ready to check out of his misery with his cult of line cooks behind him, he invites the worst of these clueless foodies to his private island’s restaurant to serve an ironic menu of just desserts, but one unexpected guest is becomin’ the fly in his soup. The best kind of absurd comedy that surprisingly has nothin’ to do with cannibalism, this wonderfully tense flick is like Chef Gordon Ramsey ‘comin’ a Tick villain with revenge schemes inspired by Midsommar. I’m never quite sure what’s gonna happen next, I can’t get ‘nough of Ralph Fiennes squarin’ off with Anya Taylor-Joy, and I’m scared into an all new appreciation fer anyone servin’ me my grub. Chef kisses all ’round! Garnished bullet eatin’ suicides, hangin’ suicides, finger severin’, neck stabbin’, breadless bread plates, infernos, psych-out coast guards, coal grabbin’, human matchsticks, leg stabbin’s, birthday singin’, games of chase, s’mores themed finales, and cheeseburger ploys! 4/5! 


In a Mad-Maxish future with aliens and G.I.Joe vehicles, a leather clad ranger tracks down a power hungry wizard named Jared-Syn for instigatin’ a holy wasteland war to exploit a race of cyclops and their soul stealin’ crystals. Plenty of toyetic action in this sc-fi fantasy romp for fans of ’80s cartoons to enjoy, even with shoddy blue screen effects from time to time. The hero doesn’t have much of a personality, but thank Charlie Band for bringin’ Tim Thomerson into the fold to liven things up! Flyin’ assault vehicles, road warrior rides, interdimensional chases, hallucinogen spewin’ cyborgs, one eyed warriors, sand snakes, holy alien relics, crystal masks, fatal crystals, laser duels, teleportation, throwin’ stars, electric crystal monsters, wrecks, and explosions! 4/5!  


When a university threatens to yank fundin’ for a young scientist whippin’ up a youth serum, the hot shot takes the human guinea pig route and suffers the consequences as he slowly turns into . . . a dinosaur?! You have to see it to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! This body horror flick is respectfully shot and acted but lacks any of the terror or suspenseful escalation of bodily transformation as best seen in Cronenberg’s The Fly. You’ll either be laughin’ hysterically or feelin’ cheated of a monstrous payoff once the goofy dino-dragon busts into the final scene for its pterodactyl song. Needles to the eyes, lab monkey experiments, teachers canoodlin’ with students, carnival transformations, violent Jekyll and Hyde blackouts, and violence against the handicap! 3/5!


In this loose unofficial sequel to The Deadly Spawn, a corporation’s scientist is accidentally bitten by an alien mutant he’s studying when his girlfriend wants to suck face, and he transforms into a giant walking dick with teeth, spitting tentacles and poison filled meat paddies with fangs out vaginas in its sides. Stuck running circles in the compound between the B-movie beast and the knuckleheads after him, our last girls are two out of place sisters looking for their security guard father the alien genitals ate earlier. This film’s story structure is completely fucked as we spend half the movie in flashback telling the doc’s lab accident to the specialists assigned to simply hunt a big ass monster in the hallways, and the other half with the sisters who would make more sense as one of the doctor’s children instead of a security guard extra. Cool cheesy effects though. Body horror, cocoon transformations, mutant alien critters, mutant alien dogs, puppets, stop motion, atom smashers = alien smashers, answering machine epitomes, bad bad bad acting, humored scientists, horrible fight choreography, medical instruments dropped in patients, decapitations, airborne heads, and ravaged corpses. 3/5! 


A wife buys an oven size microwave for crazy nuke meals that send her husband over the edge and start cooking himself human barbecue in the kitchen marvel to satisfy his need for a good bite. 10x better than expected, this is a fun VHS era film with plenty of humor, violence, and boobs to satisfy any horror fan with exploitative taste. Bodily dismemberment, strip joints, vengeful decapitated heads, hooter holes, urinating simulations, refrigerated body parts, and one of the best va-va-voom openings ever captured on celluloid. 4/5!


After popular horror host Midnight falls in bed with her doof of a fan boy stalker, she’s more than distracted with some of the most absurd relationship problems I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid when the station manager threatens to pull the plug on her show ‘less she signs over the copyright to her character. A fictional horror host no doubt inspired by Vampira and Elvira, this lost flick is a pretty ridiculous watch. First off, the whole horror host theme is downplayed with little to no talk ’bout horror movies, much ‘less the use of any public domain clips from the usual go-to titles like Night of the Living Dead. Second, there’s nothin’ likeable or charmin’ ’bout Midnight. Instead of a sincere oddball with vulnerabilities, she’s a melodramatic whackadoo I can’t bring myself to root fer after all her constant crazy talk or bafflin’ tolerance fer her boy toy openly cheatin’ on her. Finally, the story feels like a padded mess some bored editor slapped together without a script, amazingly turnin’ this loosely labeled “dramedy” into a surprise murder mystery by the final act. Psych-out suicides, poisoned drinks, caged snakes, quickly decomposin’ bodies, underwater stranglin’, hangin’s, uncomfortably long spit swappin’ ‘tween the sheets, pool parties, bikinis galore, and one of the most poorly staged motorcycle wrecks EVER! 2/5!

ymidnightTHE MIDNIGHT HOUR (1985)

Small town teens steal historic pilgrim attire from their local museum for Halloween and pull an Evil Dead when they recite a curse they find among the antiques that releases all walks of spooks and ghouls on their unsuspecting town. Full of fun characters, ’80s music, and laugh out loud moments, this family friendly, made for TV flick is an excellent G rated horror for those wanting to take a break from the heavier blood and guts kind of movies. Elves in shades, zombie make-out sessions, 1950s nostalgia, drag races, vampire witches, dog owners turned werewolf, Halloween song and dance numbers, hot for teachers, ketchup mummies, skeletal paperboys, and graveyard finales! 4/5!


In possibly the gayest horror I’ve ever seen, a circle of free lovin’ homos meet up for their annual New Year’s Eve get-together and hit the clubs to play their annual game of kissin’ strangers when the ball drops. Someone they passively kissed in the past took their game the wrong way, however, and finally carries out a convoluted revenge plot as a bondage masked slasher. One of Into the Dark‘s best flicks, Midnight Kiss boasts an excellent script with a nice mix of location changes and a ‘nough red herrin’s ‘mong an interestin’ click of characters to periodically doubt the most obvious culprit behind the leather dog mask. My favorite scene’s gotta be the stolen kisses between ex-lovers in the club which feels like the filmmakers takin’ the movie beyond an above average slasher and make it a top notch Hollywood production with the actors, writin’, music, and cinematography hittin’ on all pistons. It’s just too bad the movie’s ruined by the end when the revealed killer gives some underdeveloped bullshit motive I can’t buy into. Stabbin’s, muscular butts galore, glitter bombed dancin’, lotta skin on skin caressin’, questionable strangulation by curtains, jealous ex-lovers, broken bottles shoved down throats, chest carvin’, leg cuttin’, bullets to the shoulder, slit throats in the shower, needles to the face, mouths full of fireworks, and softcore gay sex! 4/5! 


A deadpan gal and her platonic guy friend play a forbidden game they find in her addled granny’s attic for the hell of it but should have finished readin’ all the directions, ’cause now a creepy pasta boogey man’s after them in a supernaturally charged mindfuck game of tag. This flick looks great and starts with a lot of promise, but is ultimately a slow burnin’ Tom and Jerry story without a lot of escalation or high stakes for lackluster characters who have no real motivation for doin’ half of what they do. Eye poppin’ effects, stabbin’s, salt circles, suicidal throat slittin’, guilt ridden rabbit killers, freaky lookin’ Easter bunnies, sneaky mannequins, explodin’ young’ns, blood vomitin’, mutilated faces, possessions, out of place lookin’ doctors, hangin’s, and Robert Englund serves up confusin’ confessions, exposition, and his own death! 3/5!


A feudin’ couple retreats to a remote cabin for marriage counselin’, and one of ’em comes up with an elaborate hoax to bring ’em closer together playin’ Midnight Man, a Bloody-Mary kinda game with players darin’ to summon a supernatural killer. This blip of scary antics is put on the backburner, however, as a bookie’s leg breaker drops in to collect a gamblin’ debt, turnin’ this advertised horror flick into more of a indie comedy with a lot of humorous dinner conversation over how to pay fees. Eventually, the Midnight Man build-up from earlier finally finds its punchline at the end with a quick possession that’s over as fast as it starts, followed by an endin’ that drags out one to two scenes longer than it needs to before credits roll. So, with only ’bout five minutes or less havin’ anythin’ to do with horror, this flick really needs to be recognized as a well-scripted comedy featurin’ an entertainin’ cast of characters with genuine screen chemistry. Body part bargainin’, zero deaths, no boobs, zip blood, a handful of nightmare sequences, Cassandra ghosts, Ken Foree as the smooth talkin’ leg breaker, and one Midnight Man possession! 3/5!


This flick starts with a lot of promise and then fizzles out like a sick dog fart. Years after a teen is slashed durin’ a horror film festival by an unknown killer, the small town theater re-opens its doors with another horror film festival the owners hope will block out the last disaster, and the locals are livid. Sure enough, history repeats itself with the mysterious slasher returnin’ to hack particular folks up, but the horror is so sparse and non-existent in this incoherent mess of a pointless story, you don’t give two shits who the killer is by the end. I recommend you just watch the openin’ tribute to Friday the 13th with a boob-tastic parody of Kevin Beacon’s death then skip all the pissin’ time drama to the last 10-15 minutes for the rest of the horror you came to see. Theater panic, hangin’s, fake knife fightin’, stabbin’ suicides, husband bashin’, and overprotective mothers! 2/5! 


Pre-famous Bradley Cooper plays an eager photographer tryin’ to capture the grittier side of his city but gets more than he bargained for when he snaps pics of a supernatural slasher he feels he’s gotta stop from butcherin’ night owls on the subway. This is a really great film with slick cinematography, flawless castin’, and over the top gore! While its twist endin’ is easily predictable, the same can’t exactly be said for the mysterious evil linked to the killer which I personally would like explained a little more. Side boob, naughty photoshoot breakdowns, meat tenderizers to the head, eye gougin’, flesh carvin’, tooth yankin’, toe nail jerkin’, disembowelments, folk hung by their feet on hooks, train duels with butcher tools, bodily souvenirs in jars, head bashin’, tongue rippin’, underground monster feasts, and a cameo by Ted Raimi! 4/5!


In this chase flick from Cannon, a woman flees her marriage ’cause she claims her police hubby is more married to his job, and she gives a lift to a hitchhiker played by Mark Hamill on the way. After a few miles, she figures out Mark’s got a bit of a slasher complex and spends the rest of the night tryin’ to ditch his crazy ass while avoidin’ her husband’s hunt for her on the backroads of California. While the lightin’, camerawork, and score are slick and impressive, this flick’s ultimate flaw is its script. Aside from the chase action quickly gettin’ old and repetitive, the biggest problem is the characters bein’ confusin’ as hell. I can’t tell if the wife is an emotionally abused victim racin’ from a possessive workaholic, or if the husband is a committed cop genuinely worried about his wife and admirably refusin’ to let their marriage fall apart. Even Mark was one foot off the merry-go-round with a performance that kind of stalls after the first 40 minutes. I was hopin’ for him to break out the Joker crazy he’d become widely known for after this flick, but he plays the killer more on par with a chilled out Trickster from The Flash. The best scene with Mark is when he meets a glass eyed clerk he doesn’t like! Car chases, car thefts, disguised slashers, guys strapped to car hoods and slammed into the back of tractor trailors, explosions, car wrecks, car collisions, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, glass eye jewelry, glass eye suckin’, photo souvenirs, electrocutions, electroshock therapies, gunshots to the head, family trauma, bus driver dress-up, ambulance driver dress-up, cop dress-up, gun fights, wrecked gas stations! 3/5!


A tragic girlfriend halfheartedly joins her disinterested boyfriend and his buds on a trip to a foreign compound their Swedish friend invites ’em to, and participates in a 90 year ritual that slowly spirals from hippie lovin’ narcotic fun to disturbin’ human sacrifices. A slowburn from the director of Hereditary, this flick accepts the challenge of tellin’ a horror story in bright daylight and cleverly builds tension and fear without the victims really knowin’ anythings wrong ’til it’s too late, packin’ the most memorable scenes in the last 20 minutes of this two and a half hour build-up that reminds me a little of Green Inferno. Hallucinatory drugs, plant sproutin’ skin, fatal cliff jumpin’, head crushin’ with mallets, skin masks, full sprint dongs, human matchsticks, knock-out powder, upside down garden burials, eye gougin’, strung up lung removals, hair pies, doped up dance contests, scarecrow corpses with branches for limbs, lotta wailin’ and sing-song harmonizin’, ritualistic pyres, death lotteries, folks sewn into disemboweled bears, and one of the most awkward sex scenes ever committed to celluloid with a naked tribe gettin’ up in a guy’s face and assistin’ his thrusts to get the job of deflowerin’ a virigin done! 4/5!


Wes Craven presents Lance Henriksen detourin’ his family vacation to answer a house call at a secret desert lab where his former co-workers are on the run from his former guinea pig patient named Thor who’s been turned into a pterodactyl screechin’ brain sucker. This is one of them kinda films that’s split right down the middle when it comes to its best and worst parts. The actin’s fair, the story’s easy enough to follow, and the effects are impressive, but opposite that, it takes Lance and his family nearly an hour of pissin’ time before they’re finally included in the monster’s Tom and Jerry plot, the science gets a little complicated, and I still can’t figure out why Lance’s son was ’bout to shoot him ‘less he show he survived an attack. Bold boyfriends gettin’ handsy in front of their girl’s dad, shower scenes with ass, electrocutions, severed mouth props, brain suckin’ through the nose and eyes, buckets of brains, near fatal freefalls from planes, van chases with explosions, security hand prints, trails of brain bait, monstrous transformations, ear removals, syringe sticks, mini-lab mutants, super soldier government plots, gunshots to the chest, neck breakin’, oral appendages, home alone traps with toxic barrels, and Wolverine powers in action! 3/5!


A gang of horn dog city slickers catch gold fever and invade an abandoned minin’ town where they find a buttload of gold belongin’ to a resurrected miner who’ll kill anyone who so much as looks at it. A movie that finally takes Scooby-Doo villains as serious threats, this supernatural slasher flick is better than your average killer in the woods disasterpiece, packed with plenty of B-movie ingredients that made ’80s horror films so much fun to watch. Severed arms, treasure quests, boobs, pick-axe arms, Jeepers Creepers lookin’ villains, decapitations, human matchsticks, flamin’ finales, shittin’ in the woods, impalements, flyin’ shovels to the neck, pick-axes to the gut, tourist trap justice, and a handful of recognizable actors from popular action/horror movies! 4/5!  


It’s New Year’s Eve, though it barely seems like it, and a trio of facially deformed killers set out to kill a bunch of partyin’ coworkers in a remote cabin for reasons I could care less ’bout. This is one of them mixed bag kinda flicks when there’s as many sweets as there are sours. This is a well shot movie full of hot babes and entertainin’ enough characters with at least one intimidatin’ killer after them ‘, but the story doesn’t really build, and the killers just aren’t that effective as a whole. Wrestler John Hennigan steals the shows layin’ the whoop-ass on the slashers, and the best part to watch for is when William Baldwin and Richard Grieco share a scene as if they’re playin’ the same whispery gravel voiced character. Arrows to the back and shoulders, axes to the shoulders, maces made from spines and spiked skulls, weapons made from bones, impalement, boobs in the shower, throat slittin’, life and death liquor guzzlin’, bullied backgrounds, wrestlin’ avengers, Ed Gein decor, brains on the walls, bloody finger paintin’, strung up bodies, drunk brawls, hoighty toighty New Year’s Eve party massacres with boobs, decapitations, and Bill Moseley pretty much collects a check reprisin’ Otis from Devil’s Rejects! 3/5! 

THE MIST (2007)

A mist full of interdimensional critters settles over a small town and traps scared grocery shoppers who bitch over its origins. This Stephen King based flick could have easily been a lot of suspense bullshit with nothin’ but a fog machine, but thank the filmmakers for puttin’ in plenty of shitty CG monster action. The drama holds up, we root for the hero with every growin’ danger, we get explanations and resolution by the end, and there’s folks you can’t wait to see what’s comin’ to them! Flesh eatin’ tentacles, thunderstorms, giant critters, spider critters with acidic web, flyin’ critters with stingers, human matchsticks, soldiers full of baby spiders, religious fanatics, patriotic sacrifices, gunshots to the head, dead young’ns, suicide pacts, rescue line fails, men eaten in half, brave old ladies, death by poisonous stingers, monster cruises, and several Walkin’ Dead vets! 4/5! 


Casper Van Dien rides into the bloodsuckin’ side of L.A. as a rugged vampire named Dallas who’s lookin’ to collect his trailer trash progeny before Dracula or Van Helsing kill her for recklessly slashin’ Hollywood horn dogs lookin’ for a good time. This is one of those annoyin’ kind of films that works half the time but irritates the piss out of me the rest. The worst bein’ Dallas’ Jerry Springer reject of a progeny girlfriend. She ain’t the tough chick with a heart of gold I think the filmmakers were goin’ for, and I don’t think enough was done to show why Dallas even cares about her to begin with. Right behind her is a wacky vampire performance by Craig Ferguson that’s just too ridiculous to enjoy. The only reason you should bother watchin’ this flick is for the fully nude vampire torture club that’s got some extreme moments, and Van Helsing hirin’ Crip gang members for killin’ vamps but unfortunately become bloodsuckers themselves after gang bangin’ Kim Cattrall in full bat creature make-up! See it to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! Vamp match sticks, trailer park brawls, extra crispy bloodsuckers, Faces of Death blood feasts, caged flesh, bubble bath boobs, vamps neckin’ vamps, classic Couger rides, decapitations, bloodsuckin’ meltdowns, Van Dien sandwiched between two ugly chicks, and folks who seem blind to blatant vampire teeth! 3/5! 

MOMMY (1995)

When a gold diggin’ murderer of a mama with man hands kills her daughter’s 5th grade teacher for not recognizin’ her for academic excellence, she’s gotta cover her tracks with even more murders while bein’ investigatin’ as the prime suspect in her last two husbands’ deaths. More Ruin My Lifetime thriller of the week than horror, this is a very respectable well-put-together flick on a budget but could stand to punch up the energy more and stop belaborin’ the nitty gritty details of every scene. Big plus is includin’ scream queen royalty Brinke Stevens (who doesn’t die or take her top off) as the concerned aunt, and Jason Miller as a weathered cop. Fatal freefalls off ladders, miscast hotties playin’ electrocuted janitors, junkyard chases, dead guard dogs, gunshots to the chest, and stranger danger interviews! 3/5!


This synopsis is tricky to explain, ’cause it’s like nestin’ eggs. Pretty lookin’ stories told in layers that keep me invested, but nothin’ all that eventful. Essentially, a TV show host explores the mystery behind the appearance of a smelly wooly booger from the ’70s called Momo all the while playin’ a never released movie based on the cryptid’s run-in with the town of Louisiana, Missouri. While this flick is a top shelf production that nails both the drive-in aesthetic with impressive special effects and the slickness of a professionally syndicated cable show, it unfortunately lacks any tension thanks to its peculiar presentation as a fake horror host/haunted travel program showcasin’ a fake monster movie. I at least hoped the host would come face to mountain of hair with the real Momo by the end, but no luck. This just feels like someone salvagin’ a feature film from a failed TV pilot. Dead dog dolls, UFOs, monster blocked roadside picnics, lotta geezer interviews, and The Mummy and the Monkey’s Janet Decay as a scream queen! 3/5! 

ymongMONGREL (1982)

Bunch of grown men living in a boarding house act like college pranking assholes and accidentally kill one of the tenants with a faulty lamp, causing his closest friend with a dog phobia to have a mental breakdown and kill them like a savage man-dog. Entertaining characters with some funny quirks, but really needed more creative deaths and camera work to play up the horror. Dead dog dress-up, puppy massacres, burping growls, rabid man vision, tomato squishing fetishes, flirting with books, awkward introductions, and one dog shot dead. 3/5!

zshineMONKEY SHINES (1988)

A man is struck down in his prime and confined to a motorized wheelchair as a quadriplegic relyin’ on the assistance of a genetically altered helper monkey he develops a psychic bond with. But as the furry go-fer gets smarter, she develops a murderous Planet of the Apes attitude no treat can save folks from. You’ll laugh, you’ll feel your heart strings tugged, and then you’ll be rollin’ in the floor as you watch one of the most entertainin’ dysfunctional couples ever captured on celluloid with an amazin’ performance by Jason Beghe! Critter hugs, rub-a-dub deaths, quadriplegic sex scenes, killer monkey vision, flammin’ assassinations, mothers slappin’ their paralyzed children around, monkeys pissin’ on the handicap, name callin’, and monkeys “in” your back! 5/5!


Fair warning, the title’s a fucking lie. There ain’t no monsters in this flick! A meteorite crashes in the desert, breaking up into a bunch of black rocks that grow into life sucking skyscrapers when in contact with water. Folks petrify, the public panics, the rocks shoot up into crumbling mountains destroying the landscape, and scientists rush to figure out how to stop it before the world perishes. Descent movie, but can’t get around how the title had me expecting people defending themselves against those mutated into heinous monsters by sinister monoliths sent to Earth from hostile aliens. 3/5!


In this Syfy original, an Indiana Jones wannabe discovers the location of a second Noah’s ark said to contain some monstrous doomsday cargo and unexpectedly releases a rock ’em sock ’em video game creature in the Middle East he’s gotta stop with the help of secret societies, Xena: Warrior Princess alum, and Deebo from Friday as the comic relief. An overall interestin’ premise Tim DeKay wonderfully energizes with his lively performance as the lead tomb raider, the only real sour I find with this made for TV movie is how its pacin’ ain’t quite in sync with its escalation of danger with the action kinda startin’ and stoppin’ with folks goin’ on all these treasure huntin’ quests right after the monster’s on the loose. Tomb raidin’, Raiders of the Lost Ark nods, pit falls, excavation massacres, stabbin’s, secret orders, scroll studyin’, and gun fights! 3/5!


When you mix big bug B-horror and the plot from King Kong with special effects from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, you get this genuinely fun monster mash in the Bermuda Triangle ’bout high school seniors bravin’ an exotic jungle to save Carmen Electra from stop-motion beasts that crash their MTV beach party. Obviously a celebration of campy classics, this MTV original has a solid script, higher than expected production value, and a well cast gang of engagin’ characters that includes Adam West as Dr. Harryhausen. Trinket jewelry possession, giant ants, giant mantis bangin’, fatal freefalls, neanderthal uprisin’, government facilities, mutant puppets, Creature From the Black Lagoon knock-offs, Carmen Electra in concert, decapitated bugs, giant spiders, and giant bugs vs construction vehicles! 4/5!


A handful of RC miners investigate some busted underwater equipment and find a big ass starfish with magma for blood they’re determined to stop with their own monstrous mountain of might they gotta wake up with some prophesied hoodoo. This Syfy flick from the same studio that brought us Sharknado takes a ride on Godzilla’s coattails and delivers a decent clone of a kaiju king movie. Only problem is the scope of the story’s a bit too big for the budget, so the filmmakers spend the majority of the movie with a buncha so-so actors yammerin’ in closet size sets and save all the expensive lookin’ monster mashin’ ’til the very end which had me questionin’ the movie’s promise of bein’ a non-stop creature feature most the time. Magma pterodactyls with sideways skulls, monstrous eggs, fire breathin’ attacks, kaiju versus kaiju action, blood rituals, mythic prophets, fallin’ rocks, quickie DIY bows and arrows with unbelievable distance and accuracy, little subs, underwater drones, airstrikes, monstrous chases on the high seas, black box theater kinda actin’, magma tipped arrows, and Eric Roberts phones in his performance from an afternoon on a battleship! 3/5! 


When DJ Tanner and her stringbean boyfriend breakdown on their way to a Halloween party, the first place they hit up for help is Dr. Frankenstein’s castle where copyright free versions of everyone’s favorite Universal monsters are busy partyin’. With every creature of the night wantin’ them for their brains, virginity, and duets, the teenage love birds must sing and dance their way to the safety of daybreak. A made for TV flick based on the “Monster Mash” diddy and the stage play it inspired, this is a young’n safe creature feature that’s so family friendly at times, it hurts to watch. Cover your ears from the awful tunes, but give this a watch for some cool new spins on classic monsters and a show stealin’ performance by John Kassir (the voice of the Cryptkeeper) as a cartoony Igor. Vampire dancers, monkey faced Frankenstein monsters, brain switchin’ doohickeys, fortune tellin’ moms, secret passageways, dyno-mite handlers, hunchback slappin’, livin’ dead cougars, the original “Monster Mash” singer as Dr. Frankenstein, hairy mama’s boys, full dog transformations without shapeshiftin’ scenes, neck bitin’, awkward dinner dancin’, Elvis mummies, mad science labs, teenage brides to be, back and forth switch-ups between actors singin’ their own songs and lip syncin’ others’ words, enslaved minds, and the “Monster Mash” song with a lot of footage that doesn’t exactly match its lyrics! 3/5! 


A college professor is infected by gamma radiated bacteria from a goober fish fossil and reverts to a killer Neanderthal who wants everyone dead for no reason. Collect calls to Madagascar, monster dragonflies on wires, blood drinking fangled tooth canines (who are never harmed), Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamics with Wolfman transformations, and the coolest looking axe-welding ape man to come out of the ’50s. 4/5!


Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A demon, a vampire, and a werewolf walk into a haunted house durin’ a lunar eclipse and make believers out of amateur filmmakers shootin’ a dinner for schmucks kind of documentary about people claimin’ to be “real” monsters. While this found footage flick offers a fun idea with a nice mix of monsters and victims for our buck, it’s ultimately hurt by conversations that lack organic flow, looong stretches of incomprehensive shaky cam chases, unjustified use of certain cameras that break the documentary vibe, and the Jamal character comes off a little too larger than life compared to the rest of the cast. Old satanic hang-outs, junkie blood drinkin’, demonic possessions, sexy tattooed she-vamps, Native American skinwalkers, cults, scary shadows, werewolf hunts, stabbin’s, meltdown corpses, Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, lunar eclipses, and twist endin’s! 3/5! 


An American cement plant is pollutin’ the waters of a Colombian village and may be responsible for a giant rubber serpent eatin’ folk ’round the lake. While reps from the plant hunt the beast (fishin’ from helicopters with plastic explosive stuffed lambs), the rest of the village is busy with loosely related plots that have zip impact on this monster flick like guerilla activists and witch hunts. Flings on the beach, secretaries gettin’ their asses fondled durin’ meetin’s, mad cursin’ execs, doggy death scares, egg-cellent twist endings, giant rubber monster claws, young’n detectives, dead fish, women burned at the stake, explosive suicides by accident, and John Carradine as a witch hatin’ pastor! 2/5


A mama and her young’n flee to the countryside fer a fresh start, but things aren’t as they seem when a hauntin’ face huggin’ presence unravels their reality. Had my reservations ’bout this flick when I saw it was made by Chicken Soup for the Soul, and damn if I weren’t right. SPOILERS a go — this ain’t a horror flick, but one of ’em artsy fartsy emo picks amateur filmmakers in college make with a character’s mental breakdown bein’ the perfect excuse fer expressive artistic license. It comes off a little What Lies Beneath/Gothika ‘fore it pulls the rug out from under us with a kinda Fight Club twist endin’, but this ultimately leaves me pissed fer sittin’ through an hour and a half of sorry ass plot developments and narrow minded storytellin’ with no satisfyin’ payoff. SKIP! 2/5!

MOON 44 (1990)

In the year 2038, mega corporations become super powers that rule the galaxy and battle over distant moons for their resources with helicopters flown by robots and prisoners needin’ a break from the big house. At the center of it all is an undercover agent who’s hired to investigate one company’s missin’ inventory of space rides among a rough crowd of convicted pilots, but the real stars are their meek navigators tryin’ to survive the prison showers. This looks like a promisin’ action flick with fancy sets and model space ships out the ass, but putrid polecats, it’s like watchin’ a manic hamster spinnin’ its wheel with repetitive scenes that create a mind numbin’ wrinkle in time, and a story that goes nowhere with zip tension. Only thin’ that makes this worth checkin’ out is seein’ Evil Ed and the bugged out henchman from Fright Night 1-2 act together. Hangin’s, cockroach seasonin’, explosions, offscreen shower rape, robot puppets, and Malcolm McDowell as the most expected bad guy EVER! 2/5!


This is a sequel to Bruce Campbell’s schlockluster with Star Trek’s Chekov, but has nothin’ to do with their storyline about preventin’ killer cyborgs from invadin’ Earth from the moon. One of the most unconvincin’ onscreen couples is hired by the boss from The Nanny to investigate an ancient spaceship that’s been unearthed, and most of them end up gettin’ flown to the moon where they find sleepin’ moon men and their rock’em sock’em robots dukin’ it out like Mexican action figures. The actin’ is stiffer than mornin’ wood, the sets are insanely limited, the editin’ is an insult to the profession, the cinematography is uninspirin’, and the special effects are a toss up from Photoshop moons to shitty green screens and CGI spaceships. After 20-30 minutes in, I watched the rest of the movie on fastforward. Blurred boobs, toasted one-man cheerleaders, Eyes Wide Shut nods, robot fights, strangulations, spaceship crashes, trippy moon dreams, wimpy laser eyes, head rippin’, Total Recall terraformin’ endin’s, and at least one character gets ass-imulated by a robot! 1/5!  

ymorMORTUARY (1983)

Bill Paxton was an ’80s slasher?! You read right, James Cameron’s favorite actor played a mortician’s demented son who falls head over grave for a girl from his school and starts takin’ out anyone that would stand between him and his soon to be embalmed bride. An average slasher film that’s not bad by any means, it’s Bill’s performance that really elevates this movie to being a memorable piece of horror cinema. Paxton jump scares, secret séances, tire scares, roller boogies, sleepwalking, fireplace sex scenes, stabbings, impalements, dead man’s weddings, axes to the back, and skipping through cemeteries! 4/5!


Clancy Brown’s a geezer mortician and humors his new apprentice with yarns of different corpses’ immoral death throes. A kick-ass lookin’ anthology with top shelf effects, style, and one good twist at the end, the only sour bringin’ this sucker down is its unrelatable characters and all too serious tone. Worth checkin’ out but not as fun or rewatchable as Creepshow or Tales From the Hood. Medicine cabinet tentacles, dust to dust suicides, crispy young’ns, tooth yankin’, folks foldin’ in half, poisonin’, head impalement, corpse choppin’, funerals, reanimatin’, prego dads, monstrous births, surreal elevator rides, cursed jobs, Halloween nods, and escaped psycho brawls! 3/5! 

zmosqMOSQUITO (1995)

Mosquitos drink alien blood at a U.F.O crash site and mutate into an even bigger annoyance! Park rangers, a scientist, and crooks led by Gunnar Hansen must work together in a laughable ensemble of so-so acting against literal eye-popping gore effects that can only be defeated with fog machines, mobile homes, refrigerators, and a man-size chainsaw wielded by the original Leatherface himself! Aliens, puppets, stop-motion, gore, camp sex with full frontal, and a horror icon . . . what else you need?   3/5!

ymov3MOST LIKELY TO DIE (2015)

Former high school classmates reunite for a pre-party to their 10 year reunion, but a masked killer crashes the fun in this wonderful homage to ’80s slasher flicks. Better than most modern horrors trying to recapture the glory days of knife welding psychos in disguises, this film perfectly hits the beats from its fully developed cast and fitting soundtrack to the witty kills and number of boobs on screen. Razor-tipped graduation caps, strangulations, whodunit mysteries, effective jump scares, close-up throat slitting, head ripping, and hissy cookie fits. 4/5!

zmotelMOTEL HELL (1980)

For 30 years, Farmer Vincent has made a successful livin’ providin’ smoked meats out of his rural motel, but his family recipe’s at risk once folks start realizing the secret ingredient is motorists he’s been capturing on the back roads like Wile E. Coyote. A film that’s beautifully shot, lit, and scored with a wonderfully warped minded villain who lives by the philosophy “meat is meat,” this has one of the most inventive and disturbin’ ideas ever committed to celluloid for capturin’ and farmin’  people like livestock. Most curious part about this film is why the filmmakers didn’t try to scare us more with seein’ the horror through the eyes of the girl who shacks up at the motel throughout the duration of the film. Cardboard cow roadblocks, slit throats, slit vocal chords, people buried up to their necks, necks snapped, smoked torsos, amputated hands and feet, human jerky, car wrecks, swimmin’ hole struggles, boobs in the bath, nubiles wantin’ senior action, chainsaw duels, random pig heads for masks, scary pranks on youngn’s, damsels in distress, lynch mob, psychedelic spaceship trips, bear traps vs rock band vans, motorcycle crashes, Wolfman Jack as a preacher, dates at the drive-in, picnic stories about eatin’ smoked dogs, and swingers lookin’ for action! 4/5!

MOTHER! (2017)

A lovin’ housewife does her best to support her strugglin’ poet of a husband while fixin’ up their rural dream house, but things spin out of control as he keeps invitin’ hectic strangers and ravenous fans into their home who literally tear their lives apart. That’s this flick on the surface as advertised by the studio for it bein’ a mystery/horror flick. In actuality, this is a mind-fuck metaphor of an artistic expression that’s normally reserved for bein’ presented through poems or surreal paintin’s as opposed to mainstream movies. It’s my interpretation this free-wheelin’ stream of consciousness is a artsy fartsy representation of God and Mother Earth’s relationship with mankind and its destructive behavior. Could be wrong, but you gotta watch for yourself and remember this is from the same director who confused us with The Fountain. Fixer upper homes in flux, raves, party crashers, stabbin’s, baby eatin’, hawked up toilet clogs, explosions, human matchsticks, essence rippin’, redo stones, indoor prison camps, swat action, J-Law’s beat-up boobs, broken sinks, and jumpscare frogs! 3/5!


Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!


If ya thought ya felt gypped when the first Mother Krampus turned out to really be ’bout the Christmas witch Frau Perchta, you’re gonna be doubly pissed when I tell ya neither she nor Krampus is in this sequel! This Christmas Eve horror features an ax happy mental patient in an altered Michael Myers mask who slaughters an entire family and assumes their granny’s identity. Shortly after, the soup kitchen sends an entertainin’ gang of community service criminals to clean the family’s house and the crazy ol’ loon invites them in for more holiday hackin’. Despite the misleadin’ title, this flick’s got a lot of good ideas and decent enough actin’ to stand as its own flick outside of the Mother Krampus series. The film’s biggest short comin’ is how long the interval between the openin’ and closin’ kills is, almost makin’ me forget this is even a horror film. Eye gougin’ with glass decor, poisoned soup, merry drag queen musicals, axes to the faces and back, stab happy overkill, stiffs in the attic, girls in lingerie, cripple deaths, undercover police operations, bangin’ in the car without nudity, and booger sugar! 3/5! 

ymothMOTHMAN (2010)

Mothman is a supernatural vigilante hunting unpunished killers through the reflective backwoods of Point Pleasant at random times and for whatever reason has his sights set on a group of friends who accidentally drowned a sibling while horseplaying 10 years prior. One of the better Syfy flicks, the cast was convincing, the Mothman wasn’t half bad, the script was strong, but I felt it betrayed its own monster rules a time or 2 and didn’t paint the best picture of the real-life Mothman festival or its people. Native American origins, Silver Bridge chaos, Mothman festival chaos, eye gouging, bone knives, bikini dipping, basement dungeons, heavily super imposed CGI moths . . . better than the Mothman Prophecies! 3/5!

MR. BOOGEDY (1986)

In this episode of The Magical World of Disney, a gag store owner unknowingly moves his family into a fixer upper that’s full of ghosts, and his young’ns convince him the only way to free ’em is by defeatin’ the grumpy soul who cursed ’em all to begin with, a devil dealin’ pilgrim kidnapper who speaks in boogedies. A charmin’ little haunted house short that’s safe ‘nough for rugrats and silly ‘nough for adults, this ain’t a bad watch, but these Disney filmmakers coulda stepped up the threat of Mr. Boogedy a little more and a lot sooner. If the worst he can do is make Halloween decorations dance and chase ya with the vacuum cleaner, I don’t think there’s too much to worry ’bout. Just be endlessly entertained by his Smurf-like use of the word “Boogedy!” A bonus for horror fans is the cast includin’ the likes of John Astin, Richard Masur, and Kristy Swanson. Dancin’ mummies, floatin’ applause, levitatin’ young’ns, possessed vacuums, devil cloaks, pop-up book reenactments, gag flashlights, gag vacuums, ghost brats, ghost moms, kidnappin’, horrible ideas for how to get a date, joy buzzers, ghost stories, and inflatable fireplace tools! 4/5!

MS. 45 (1981)
Livin’ in what has to be the roughest part of New York, a mute seamstress is rapped on two separate occasions walkin’ home one evenin’ and becomes a man-hatin’ vigilante shootin’ every man who so much as gives a flirty look. Certainly a bizarre film that can be called Deathwish in a dress, there’s an uncomfortable escalation of violence that’s arguably necessary for Ms. 45’s motivation for street justice, but I’m not totally convinced of her steady transformation from a scared meek girl defendin’ herself to an unhinged psycho openly blowin’ men away at parties. Head bashin’ with irons, rapes, gun shots to the chest and face, Halloween party massacres, photo-shoots, tubs of hacked up rapists, rapist jerky treats, hide and seek body parts, and happy endin’s for dogs! 3/5!

MS. CLAUS (2018)

In this throwback to formulaic slasher movies that defined the ’80s, some psycho cosplayin’ as Santa’s duller half crashes a sorority’s Christmas party and slaughters guests with yuletide yard decorations. Caught somewhere between low budget and no budget, this is a respectable attempt at a holiday horror that hits all the plot points for a decent scary flick. It’s got tragic backstories, damaged last girls, and, most importantly, a masked killer graphically hackin’ folks to an unexpected twist endin’. Far from a masterpiece, there’s plenty of little things that can be punched up to make this more excitin’ to watch, like the camerawork and lightin’, but it ain’t nothin’ spiked eggnog can’t help ya through. Deep throat candy canes, slumberin’ stabbin’s, mellow yellow hazin’, dildo initiations, pasty boobs, strangulation, skewered lovers, decapitations, fatal gunshots, wacky tobacky, suicidal hangin’s, bullyin’ PSAs, upset mothers on emotional rollercoasters, tree topper eye gougin’, and Brinke Stevens guest stars as Snoopy Tits! 3/5!

THE MUMMY (2017)

In this gender swappin’ remake that hopes to revive the Universal monsters in a series of crossover flicks, Tom Cruise plays a thievin’ soldier who accidentally frees a power hungry she-mummy with a mad crush for him. Sandblastin’ her way through Europe and Dr. Jekyll’s secret monster squad, she-mummy must capture her runaway co-star and prep his body as a vessel for her partner in world domination, Set. I think this is a good attempt at a new flick for a classic monster, and it’s about fuckin’ time we leave all that Victorian era bullshit behind for a modern update! The cons do outweigh the pros, however. Tom’s character feels underdeveloped and lacks chemistry with his human love interest. The mummy scenes need to push the envelope more and give us somethin’ we’ve never seen before. The action toward the end was too dark and cheatin’ us of enjoyin’ the special effects, and Jekyll’s level of involvement makes this feel more like an open ended chapter in a series rather than a stand alone flick. Crusadin’ mummies, underwater mummies, possessions, mercury embalmin’, ghost buddies, American Werewolf in London nods, mummy sandstorms, origin flashbacks, camel spiders, explosions, treasure hunts, Egyptian rituals, resurrections, fatal Frenchin’, soul sucked mummies, heavy swarms of rats, Iraqi terrorists, drone air strikes, monster prop museum, plane crashes, and Tom Cruise vs Mr. Hyde! 3/5!


The Addams Family’s idiot box rivals from the ’60s are back in an unexpected prequel by horror metal director Rob Zombie, and fans are treated to the origins of Herman Munster’s creation followed by his marriage into Lily’s monstrous family. I’m no Munsters expert, so I can’t speak to this movie’s loyalty to its source material, but it’s every bit the family friendly flick I expected, which in itself is a major accomplishment fer Rob given his hardcore track record of sexual depraved gore fests. Boastin’ likable characters and alotta impressive sets brought to life by one helluva lively color pallet, the only sour fer me is the lengthy runtime fer a story without any conflict. A good 20 minutes could have been shaved with a quicker pace to more interestin’ parts of the story given everyone simply rolls over and accepts whatever happens to ’em. Grandpa barely tries to keep Herman from marryin’ his daughter, Lily and Grandpa never attempt to save their family castle they’re swindled out of, and they’re all accepted by their new neighbors on Mockingbird Lane without incident while collectin’ a fat payday to bypass the daily struggle of workin’ nine to five. A fun time, but nothin’ amazin’. Sewer pets, blood sausage eatin’, double billed performances, dad jokes galore, honeymoon montages, gamblin’ addicted werewolves, bitter gypsies, Halloween street parties, zombie killin’, grave robbin’, deformed doctors, hunchback henchmen, and Cassandra Peterson cameos! 3/5!

y12MURDER PARTY (2007)

A cardboard knight attends a Halloween party he randomly finds an invitation for and is ambushed by a group of competing artists wanting to murder him in the name of art. This is a very quirky offbeat kind of film, but it works in its own unique way from the chemistry among the incompetent murderers to their awkward interactions with the victim. Definitely worth a watch! Cardboard camouflage, fatal pumpkin breads, asshole cats, cranked up dress-up dogs, mass beatings, electric chainsaws, booze and fire, truth or truth serum games, crispy werewolves, cheerleaders in freezers, bullets to heads, epic fail escapes, bi-sexual fucking, love sick pop-sickle sticks, chainsaws to the face, and costumes from The Warriors and Blade Runner! 4/5!


A college freshman’s academic career is off to a rough start when he’s targeted by a gang of devil masked slashers loppin’ students’ heads off on campus. This horror comedy ain’t perfect by any means with amateur actin’, a story that gets confusin’ at times, and meager attempts at creatin’ a ’80s settin’, but it does surprise me with unexpected moments of shock and genuine laughter that owes a lot to the lead actor, Jamie Dufault, an actin’ force to be reckoned with. Boobs of all shapes and sizes, wet t-shirt contests, kidnappin’, bully beatin’s, non-traditional lookin’ students galore, male strip clubs, decapitations, stabbin’s, blood baths, frat parties, disemboweled professors, sewn together corpses, secret cults, long winded backstories, random duo of she-killers, and bangin’ on a waterbed with decapitations! 3/5! 

murderweapon8991MURDER WEAPON (1989)

The best and breast parts are few and far between in this poorly edited story that leaves you scratching your noggin. I think Linnea Quigley and her side-saddlin’ co-star vixen are released from an asylum (which I can’t explain why or how they got there) and party it up with a bunch of guys they invite over to one of their mobster dad’s houses. Then, for no real reason, a laundry sack face slasher starts killing all the guys in over the top gore-tastic glory, saving this film from being a total loss. Barely a blip of tension, this painfully slow flick plays more like a sad soap not even bikini babes in boots could save. Head bashing, shotguns to the face, chest bursting, gagging on hearts, impressive head to toe fire stunts, choppy motions in the ocean, poolside banter, Linnea possibly playing a 10 year old, and the infamous actor who played Ricky in Silent Night Deadly Night 2 shows he might be a better actor than we gave him cred for! 2/5!

zmurdMURDERCYCLE (1999)

An alien symbiote searching for lost e.t. tech merges with a dirt biker and becomes a wheelie poppin’ force of slow-mo destruction. Only a secret mission force can stop him if they can keep from bein’ zapped and run over. This is a decent attempt at a fairly interesting sounding story with well thought out soldier drama at its core, but we’re watching this flick for the killer bike and it was grossly underachieved. Murdercycle-vision, spies, psychics, e.t. tech balls, Marvel comic nods galore, annoying u.f.o. nerds actually making the movie better, weak lasers, burnt soldiers, and psychic rape ethics! 3/5!


A little yard monster digs up a cursed music box at her new home and accidentally unleashes a ghost girl who upsets her aunt. There ain’t much to say ’bout this lukewarm scare. It’s decently shot, stars an okay ‘nough cast of eye candy that can act their way outta paper bag, and has a well paced, easy to follow story . . . it’s just a very forgettable flick thanks to nothin’ interestin’ happenin’. Head jerkin’, spooks on film, and supernatural house trashin’! 3/5! 

zmutMUTANT HUNT (1987)

Doped up psycho sexual mutant cyborgs are killing people in the streets, and it’s up to a merc and his friends to save the city for a paycheck. From the stock sound effects and gritty sets to the  repetitive score and fight choreographies, this is more or less a hands free video game that’s one sci-fi brawl after another. Stretch Armstrong limbs, tinfoil arms, crawling hands, furniture chaos, severed hands, dislocated jaws, head ripping, karate chops, cyborg gore, aerobic bar shows, puppet heads, pleasure droids, drugs of the future, impaled faces, super army plots, big bad boss mutant fights, machetes, bow and arrows, bimbos tossed out windows, hand to hand underwear combat, gooey head stomping, melting faces, glowing hands, neo punks, and side boobs! 3/5!


In this low-budget horror that reminds me of a church play, a “space science” professor takes his students to a yokel’s house and offers to help him with his cow mutilatin’ e.t. problem like they’re the Scooby gang. Lot o’ good that does anybody, ’cause as soon as the claymation from outer space crash lands in the front yard, everyone becomes a target for their next special effects meal. While this is terribly acted and features campy special effects on par with Winterbeast, this ’80s trash is alotta laughs and doesn’t overstay its welcome with a run time of 70 minutes. A great example of so charmingly bad it’s watchable fun. Repetitive lines out the ass, inconsistently sized double jointed e.t.s, stop-motion u.f.o.s, puppet e.t. feet, mutilated cow-mation in its death throes, live action green screen battles with claymation, tunnel chases, stuffed rats from the toy aisle, melted classmates, e.t. fists through the chest, painted lightnin’ bolts, painted explosions, and random TNT! 4/5! 


An alcoholic hunter drinks himself into homicidal madness at his beach house and drunkenly butchers a gang of house crashers led by his son who he hates for accidentally shootin’ his wife years ago. Even though this flick has weird dashes of comedy thrown in the mix like Randy Newman soundin’ doo-da tunes and folks movin’ at Benny Hill speed, this is a decently memorable slasher with entertainin’ enough (ahem) actors and impressive death scenes done by Evil Dead 2 alum. Boobs in a milky pool, weedwackers to the chest, drownin’s, decapitations by axe, folks on hooks, stabbin’s, cars cuttin’ folks in two, throwin’ pyramids to the face, games of hide and seek in the dark, impalements with pitchforks, awkwardly framed boatin’ accidents, and the most wince worthy scene is a gal gettin’ a big ass fishin’ hook up the va jay jay! 3/5!  


After a cock-blocked night in bed with a bloodsuckin’ cougar, a high schooler reluctantly finds himself turnin’ into a vampire and, with the help of his friend and a ol’ bat of a mentor, outwits obsessed fang killers while scorin’ a date with the band geek of his wet dreams. Waaay better than I expected, this flick is like watchin’ Buffy the Vampire Slayer if Buffy were the vampire and is a fun flashback to how I wanna ‘member the 1980s with all its ridiculously layered fashion, pizza parlor neon, and overly hysterical songs. There ain’t any gore or boobs to see, but the rockin’ soundtrack, teenage hijinks, and David Warner cast as the Van Helsing wannabe more than makes up for that. Late night nookie with underwear ads, shower dreams with castratin’ nuns, trick mirrors, lotta car chases, jump cut wolf transformations, flyin’ teens, car thefts, crossbow stakes, handbooks to bein’ a vampire, pig blood drinks of all varieties, homophobia, finger suckin’, mansion torchin’, mi-stakin’ identities, and cruel intentions toward upset canines! 4/5! 


Survivin’ a psycho miner’s Valentine’s Day massacre 10 years earlier, a wayward son comes back to his minin’ hometown around the anniversary and freaks when the killer has seemingly come back from the dead to swing his pickaxe through more people’s faces. For a remake, this is top-notch, gore drenched, boobtastic entertainment that pays homage to the original while puttin’ a new spin on its material. Supernatural‘s Jensen Ackles delivers a strong performance that’s a mix of his Dawson’s Creek sentimentality with Dean Winchester grit, there’s enough special effects to satisfy any gorehound, and the 3D gags ain’t all they’re cracked up to be but still well done. Eye-poppin’ gore, pickaxes through heads and faces, explosions, gunfights, full frontal chases, hotel bangin’, mine parties, heart rippin’, literal bloody valentines, crispy spin cycle corpses, car wrecks, and Fight Club twist endin’s! 4/5! 


As a monstrous killer is makin’ headlines in the news, sweet ol’ doormat Denny is out to prove love conquers all when she falls fer a bum who’s cursed to turn into a hideous demonoid whenever he’s sexually triggered. A sweet little flick that’s as funny as it is charmin’, this forgotten gem from the house that Freddy built deserves a watch by horror comedy fans everywhere. The leadin’ lovebirds have genuine screen chemistry, every character is worthy of me rootin’ fer or ‘gainst ’em, and the special effects are terrifically over the top from monstrous transformations to explodin’ heads! Flyin’ rescues, explodin’ cars galore, kidnappin’, demonic possessions, street fortune tellers, subway sax playin’, home thefts, psychics, demonoid dry humpin’, stabbin’s, manglin’, demon killin’ daggers, fruit burgers, castle hideouts, birthday pizzas, and shapeshiftin’! 4/5! 

A poor sap is randomly trapped in an endless loop of artificial rainbow death in VHS graphics and has to escape his apartment ‘fore his demonic neighbor busts in to tear him apart. A silent horror that’s best described as the endin’ of Altered States stretched thinly over the storytellin’ bones of Happy Death Day, this one location situation flick may not offer a lot in character development or context for that matter but makes up for those shortcomings with an assault of style that’s like poppin’ acid dipped Skittles through my third eye as it tries makin’ contact with Stanley Kubrick’s soul on the moon with a mini-dv camera. For all its tolerance testin’ experimentation in surreal filmmakin’ , however, I have to give this flick kudos for its thoughtful edits, well timed pacin’, and sound design which were all impressive from the get-go. Respawnin’ galore, rainbow butterflies galore, wrist slittin’ suicides, evil projections, psych-out endin’s, demonic threats, and gassin’! 2/5!


In this nutso flick, a woman seeks out a shape-shiftin’ witch for lessons in Leak magic, but ‘stead of becomin’ a master of this made-up dark art, she’s tricked into becomin’ the hag’s inside out pinata of evil. The characters don’t exhibit a lot of personality and the film quality ain’t the best, but this wild ride’s got plenty of craziness to keep me distracted from beginnin’ to end with all kinds of monstrous transformations, light shows, and it’s most shockin’ scene, an organ draggin’ head suckin’ a newborn out ‘tween its mama’s legs! Ripley’s Believe It or Not fingernails, supernatural decapitations, pin cushion neck stumps, mile long tongues tattooin’ ladies’ thighs, blood suckin’, fanged tourists, magical battles, blood offerin’s, dark rituals, telepathy, mice vomittin’, fireballs, pig people, bestial transformations, stabbin’s, and sunlight weaknesses! 3/5!

TwitterFacebook Youtube
%d bloggers like this: