L – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


An amnesiac hooker wakes up in a funeral home with a masked psycho wantin’ to add her to his video diary of death, but she manages to escape and makes every good Samaritan regret not havin’ a phone with Chromeskull hot on her heels. Well shot with above average actin’ and gore that’ll make you think people are made of jelly filled butter, I’m very impressed with how the filmmakers managed to make such a generic lookin’ killer so memorably effective. The only sour that sticks in my craw is how the story’s escalation’s all over the place, makin’ me feel like the movie ends two or three times, and the reveal of the hooker’s identity adds jack shit to her character, the story, or the horror of the film. Bunch of heads saws off with huntin’ knives, nip slips out of the shower, guts poppin’ out of wounds, whole faces sliced off, bitchin’ hearses, meltin’ faces, heads filled with tire sealant, daddy issues, chicks in coffins, bodies galore, cheek stabbin’, eye stabbin’, hi-tech rides, Chinese cell phones with scary fast texts, dead mammy boobs on a slab, corpse puppets, scariest home made videos, heads blown off with shotguns, and head bashin’ with bats! 4/5!  


Chromeskull survives his head bashin’ acid facial from the last flick and is rescued by . . . his corporation of demented employees?! After a brief montage crammed with months of recovery, he’s ready to make a comeback and tie up loose ends from the first Laid to Rest while terminatin’ some overly ambitious killers on his payroll. Woo-wee! This quietly celebrated series keeps the momentum goin’ with all the jarrin’ gore I come to expect from the first movie, and it’s all the more brutal when dished out on a cast of likeable characters. Even more impressive is how the filmmakers manage to maintain Chromeskull’s mystique while revealin’ more of his story which begs more questions in the best of ways. Disembowelin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s, sides of folks’ heads sliced off, reality TV POV, girls in coffins, boobs, deep throatin’ knives, gnarly spinner weapons, insultin’ copycat killers, facial reconstructive surgery, and Danielle Harris cleans up nicely as a hench gal on Chromeskull’s payroll! 4/5! 


A questionable family of assholes return to their Christmas getaway in a small snowy town and are attacked by masked home invaders with eyes for the newly engaged daughter. There’s a touch of amateur editin’ regardin’ the transitions, sound effects, and score, but this is an overall easy watch that takes its time with a lot of forgettable horror. Just try to ignore the parents’ troubled past with the sheriff that’s never explained or explored and don’t let the final shot of the movie piss you off too much, ’cause it ain’t worth the strain on your brain. Parkin’ lot kidnappin’s, pig roasts, flyin’ hatchets to the back, killer home movies, stabbin’s, psyche deaths, slashers vs bullets, accidental murder, ding dong ditches, moms helpin’ their young’ns, and shower scenes with no boobs! 3/5! 

ylampTHE LAMP (aka THE OUTING) (1987)

A teenage girl awakens an impressive lookin’ ’80s monster from a lamp her dad’s museum acquires and is manipulated into convincing her friends to spend the night in the museum to feed the genie’s wish inspired bloodlust. Not a bad effort, this is a pretty descent flick with nice camerawork and a convincing cast. It just needed to pump up the energy with its editing and soundtrack and maybe give us more of the genie who’s an unseen floating force until his big reveal at the end. Extreme bullying, resurrected snakes, rubba-dub deaths with snakes, opera singing security guards, axes to the face, impalements, resurrected mummies, topless chases, cursed jewelry, genie vision, ceiling fans with a decapitation setting, head torques, possessions, and genie chases. 3/5!

yunknownTHE LAND UNKNOWN (1957)

Navy men take to the skies charting the Antarctic landscape, but a freak storm causes them to crash in a volcanic crater of prehistoric life where rubber dinosaurs and a poor man’s egg smashing Tarzan reign supreme. This is more or less King Kong without the ape. Impressive sets, descent acting for the time, lots of male dominance as women are used as currency, primordial landscapes, model helicopters, monkeys on strings, killer rutabagas, Lochness Monster, and a man in a T-Rex suit with a mouth that puts Jaws to shame. 3/5!


A girl survives a jackalope slasher in the horror movie that never was and has difficulty makin’ new friends when her crumblin’ mind can’t tell if the killer is back or not. While the idea of followin’ a last girl’s life after survivin’ a horror movie seems novel, isn’t that what most sequels are like Halloween 2, Nightmare on Elm St. 3, and Friday the 13th Part 5? What’s worse is the story’s predictable outcome you’re just hopin’ won’t be the endin’ after all the cool twists and turns you think up while watchin’ this flick. Regardless, the actin’ is fair, and there’s plenty of gore. I just wish the filmmakers tried pushin’ themselves more storywise. Impalements, knife throwin’, hackin’ with a hatchet, grave diggin’, mistaken identities, head bashin’, awkward convulsions, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, bottles smashed over heads, and boy scout booby traps! 3/5! 


It’s the horror version of Bowfinger as Joe “Maniac” Spinell plays a taxi drivin’ psycho who fancies himself an up and comin’ horror director desperately wantin’ to work with the genre’s hottest talent, Jana Bates. Stalkin’ Bates to the Cannes Film Festival, Joe makes her the unknowing star of his guerilla filmmakin’ disasteterpiece co-starrin’ her friends as the victims. A really well put together film, this killer flick features lots of topless beach bunnies, hardcore ’80s club scenes, and a pretty damn catchy soundtrack. Sadly, Joe is the only interestin’ character among so many eccentric personalities, the kills are so-so with forgettable special effects, and the story’s momentum is thrown out of whack by the 3rd act followed by unneeded twists and WTF endin’s. Cowboys in corvettes, lessons in why you shouldn’t touch strippers, fat stealthy ninjas, scenic castles, decapitations, faces blown off, fatal freefalls, stabbin’s, fame and fortune fantasies, rub-a-dub deaths, topless sunbathin’, cockteases, collect calls to “supportive” mamas, axe wieldin’, vampire cosplay, and dirty fun with a slide projector! 3/5! 

zlastTHE LAST RESORT (2009)

A bachelorette party goes to hell as a bridezilla and her girlfriends are mugged and left for dead in the Mexican desert, stumbling upon a cursed resort that unleashes their darkest desires with gory consequences. A decent idea for a haunted joint kind of film with a diverse group of babes bitchin’ every which way, but the filmmakers didn’t bring enough tension to what should have been scarier moments and spent too much time on the less frightening parts of the story. Shootings, cannibalism, head bashings, haunted horniness, dead lays, ears cut off, tongues cut out, Mexican rifle salutes, stabbings, possessions, grindhouse flashbacks, and gore-met meals! 3/5!

zlast-sharkLAST SHARK aka GREAT WHITE (1981)

Some Italian filmmakers threw Jaws 1-2 in a blender and made this laughable but mildly entertainin’ flick about a great white prop snackin’ on crash dummies. You’ve got Italian Quint and author Peter Benton huntin’ a killer shark off a wind surfin’ party coast the governor refuses to shut down, and things get personal when Benton’s daughter becomes leg tenders for the goofy fish that tries to fool us with National Geographic footage, motorized balloon doubles, and the one mouth gapping prop actors have to work with. The shark’s cheesiest moments are launchin’ dummies hundreds of feet in the air, chompin’ on yahoos fishin’ with steaks from choppers, and pulling a dock of bystanders out to sea with explosive consequences. It’s a complete rip-off but a fun one with its own memorable shark stunts to say the least! 3/5! 

yshowTHE LAST SHOWING (2014)

Robert Englund loses his cushy job as a projectionist to the digital age and works through his frustration as a popcorn pusher by trapping a young movie going couple in the theater for his own twisted home-made Z-flick. The first half of the movie is pretty lackluster, there’s very little mystery and tension, and Englund’s whole scheme seems a little too convenient for the unbelievably distrustful couple he ends up playing head games with. Plenty of lessons for how to die in a horror film, lots of bad decisions, Wes Craven nods, knock-out sodas, literal killer film, revenge on whipper snappers, and the most intense discussion about aspect ratios ever captured on celluloid! 3/5! 


Eager for viral video fame, three friends hike deep into the Spanish woods to investigate the unsolved mystery of a local witch who escaped bein’ hung in 1619. Unfortunately for them, their documentary quickly turns survivalist footage as they find out the witch’s legacy still haunts the sticks to this day. While this found footage flick is well shot and features a solid casts of likeable characters worth rootin’ for, it’s a little too Blair Witch Project for my taste with an all too familiar formula of lost filmmakers endin’ up at a witch’s house. Even with some last minute originality in the third act helpin’ this be more of its own film, the tension’s already fizzled out by this point, and the story falls apart with a dumbfounded endin’. I would have much rather seen a flick of the creepy campfire story the characters tell about a burned debt collector. Urban explorin’, possessions, stabbin’s, ol’ ghost sheet switcheroos, spooky graffiti, Which Witch Digest, and witchy henchmen right out of a Batman comic! 3/5! 

zlastwitcTHE LAST WITCH HUNTER (2015)

So, Vin Diesel breaks away from the stereotype of tough guy action hero to tough guy horror hero in this Men in Black meets Harry Potter mash-up that I’m sure will unfortunately fall through the cracks. Well thought out story, slick cinematography, great visuals, Michael Caine reprises his Alfred role, Vin and Elijah Wood bring us the best team up since Van Damme and Rob Schneider in Knock-Off, we’re given a hero with plenty of character whose trick for hunting witches is breathing on glass, and the Witch Queen is one of the best new villains on the block. 4/5!


After bein’ taken away from his po’ hog raisin’ family for 10 years, a teenage Sawyer escapes the loony bin with a pack of crazies and makes his way back home on a killin’ spree while draggin’ along an attractive nurse as a hostage. As a stand alone movie, this ain’t a bad flick to check out with crisp cinematography, strong actin’, and more than one creepy moment. But as the newest entry in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, this was worse than The Next Generation. The biggest problem bein’ this red herrin’ bullshit the filmmakers pull most the movie, makin’ us guess which escaped loon is even Leatherface, because the state pointlessly changed his name after he was committed. This is really distractin’ and completely robs me of the sick joy watchin’ a Chainsaw prequel/reboot/remake or whatever the hell this is in the series’ turbulent continuity. And when the real Leatherface does finally stand up at the very end, it’s such an ridiculous slap to the face that I’m left wishin’ for more Michael Bay chainsaw flicks! I’d recommend this to the casual movie goer and super die-hard Chainsaw fans, but it’s just gonna piss off a lot of us regular slasher fans lookin’ for a reunion with the Sawyer family. Rubber room riots, squished girls, roadkill disguises, gunshots to the face, head bashin’, mice stuffed in women’s mouths, boonie executions, evidence eatin’ hogs, pack of killer hogs, throat slittin’, decapitations, chainsaw chases, one human face mask, severed hands, cannibal meal preppin’, knives through necks, diner chaos, folks carved like turkeys, crazies hidin’ in dead cattle, and a burned-up woman havin’ a threesome with a corpse! 3/5! 

yleechTHE LEECH WOMAN (1960)

Dammit, when you see that title, you expect to see an actual leech-woman monster, but no such fucking luck here. An elderly woman claims to have the secret to eternal youth and tricks a doctor and his fugly wife into paying her way back to her African tribe in exchange for it. When the wife learns the secret involves killing men with a special ring, she kills her manipulative hubby and hightails it back to the states where she has to keep killing in order to stay youthful or wrinkle to death. It’s an alright film with a laughable relationship between the doctor and his wife, but I really thought this was going to be more like The Wasp Woman. Turns out the title’s just a metaphor with her killing and stealing from men like a leech, not because she is a leech. Well-done overall, but really wanted that monster! 3/5!


It’s been 20 years since little Bobby was teased out of a Halloween party and accidentally turned to backwoods roadkill, and now he’s risin’ from the grave for some long overdue payback when all his tormenters finally reunite for what’s certain to be their last hootenanny. A low-budget slasher that cleverly covers its productions shortcomin’s as a nod to shoddy grindhouse flicks, Bloody Bobby’s story is what makes this a memorable Halloween horror with just ‘nough decent actin’ to help sell it. I wish the filmmakers were more creative with the kills, but there is one laugh out loud effect when a decapitated head looks like a Mr. Potato Head fallin’ into someone’s lap! Be aware this movie was first released as Bloody Bobby in 2016 and re-released as a prequel to its more successful 2018 sequel, Black Pumpkin. Who does that?!! Costume parties, longwinded backstories, supernatural nosebleeds, shower stabbin’s, wacky tobacky, modest Halloween atmosphere, internet datin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s galore, undead young’ns, trick ‘r treatin’, lesbo kissin’, kills on the can, drunk law officials, head bashin’, bum rap murders, boobs, blurred man meat and butt crack, and a sweet but all too brief appearance by Full Moon Alum, Jessica Morris! 3/5! 


After a professional car wash clown goes viral dressin’ up as his town’s darkest legend, the murderous Wasco Clown, the media hype randomly resurrects the original grease faced killer and his henchmen from their graves for more fatal fun with the townsfolk. Low-budget filmmakin’ at its most charmin’, this killer clown flick unexpectedly won me over with its rich characters and valiant efforts for givin’ us some unique killer clown scenes. If it had spent more time developin’ the myth behind the clowns’ resurrection and pushed their boundaries more, this could have been a true classic. Creepy puppet shows, gals clobbered to death, sinister balloons, forced face paintin’, cock-block clowns, undead clowns from watery depths, magic daggers, prison showdowns, knives in the head, and clown meltdowns! 3/5!  

LEGION (1998)

In this outer space romp, a suicide squad of military prisoners are offered pardons if they can secure a hostile base from an enemy who ain’t exactly human. This is one of them cheap-o flicks that’s a bunch of folks runnin’ ’round a warehouse dressed for laser tag, but the ensemble of quirky actors dishin’ laughable tough guy lines makes for a fun watch, and the make-up effects are pretty damn impressive. Scowlin’ female majors, corpse pilin’, monstrous transformations, war games, unbelievable hackin’, inmate incinerations, explosions, video game lookin’ spaceships, military science experiments, arm dopin’, gals gettin’ off on rubbin’ their own feet, angel of death obsessions, throat rippin’, monster-visions, horny soldiers, deaths by ambush monster sex, crazy faces galore, and low-key performances by Corey Feldman and Rick Springfield! 3/5! 


A grown ass man in a bad wig and witch make-up passes himself off as a leprechaun with Jedi powers and hunts a European gang of lowlifes some cryptid fanboy hires to steal his pot o’ gold. Homemade lookin’ and bad all the way ’round, this non-holiday horror (You read right. This ain’t a St. Patty’s Day flick!) features some below average actin’, unimaginative camera work, rough edits, and even rougher make-ups like the party shop mask the title monster wears. If the filmmakers had just focused more of the movie’s perspective through the expectin’ father’s side of the story and given him more of a pivotal role in his gang’s pesky predicament to wanna redeem himself for, this could’ve been more tolerable. Human matchstick workarounds, and human pretzels! 2/5! 


The Leprechaun returns in a direct sequel to his first flick that kinda throws the series’s lack of continuity out of continuity. When Jennifer Aniston’s daughter joins a green lovin’ sorority house, it’s coincidentally the same place mom and her friends dropped a murderin’ gold crazed midget down a well 25 years ago. Accidentally stirrin’ him back up, the girls have gotta figure out where the magnificently devilish twerp’s gold is or die a pun-ful death. I always thought the Leprechaun movies stopped bein’ fun after part 4, but this installment brings it right back to it’s humorous dark roots with impressive punches of gore, and I didn’t even miss Warwick Davis in the title role. Pretty damn impressive for a Syfy production! Tainted well water, mini-Leprechauns, gut churnin’ Leprechaun rebirths, heads crushed, throats slit, sprinkler gag deaths, horror selfies, treacherous promises, ghost charades, bumfuck uber, eatin’ fightin’ Irish, folks cut in half longways, monstrous explosions, electrocutions, and drone chases! 4/5! 

y13LET US PREY (2014)

Death strolls into a Scottish police station and lets the secret sins of the dirty cops and crooks inside spark an inferno of violence and judgment. Shot with a keen eye for beauty, this take on the stranger in a cell tale is well written with plenty of interesting characters portrayed by compelling actors, but is a bit of a slow burn with no big surprises or payoffs at the end. Head bashing, murder cover-ups, hit and runs, DUIs, magic matches, soul searches, heads in fridges, barbwire Jesus with a shotgun, pedophile flashbacks, cop car fucking, death by tables, epic fail escapes, shotguns to the face, and death falls in love with little girls! 3/5!


In this meanderin’ mess of a real-time prank, a gang of bratty teens spontaneously decide to invade a neighborin’ girl’s mansion for a random scare, and the audience is stuck with the one bopper left behind to make sense of what the hell’s happenin’ when everyone doesn’t come back. While this semi-artsy blow-by-blow genuinely captures what I assume is honest teen girl antics and perfectly creates a dark and stormy night atmosphere, its story leaves a lot to be desired. The family relations are messy, all the expositions for the burn victim next door, the local ghost or whatever, and some of the girl’s own past trauma ‘long with their parents’ are too tangled to keep track of, and no one’s actions for where they end up after the prank make any since like the one sister suddenly bein’ ‘cross town to pick up her mom at the airport. This just ain’t worth wastin’ what brain cells ya got left on. Underage smokin’ and lesbo kissin’, cardiac arrestin’ home invasions, teleportin’ voodoo lookin’ trinkets, convenient number of Purge masks, sad sneakin’ ’round with bright lights, scary texts, and sudden endin’s with no real resolution! 2/5!


A grinchy journalist has to get so hammered to cover her hometown’s newsworthy Christmas celebration, she accidentally writes a hateful letter to Satan ‘stead of Santa and brings holiday hell down on the unsuspectin’ town folk. A clever horror spoof on Hallmark’s cookie cutter Christmas flicks, this is one of the Syfy channel’s best lookin’ originals as far as the production’s concerned, but its story falls short with an unlikable hero whose actin’ reminds me of Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy from Batman & Robin, and a monster followin’ a buncha non-sense rules. Like if the motivation of the devil/demon/whatever prancin’ ’round as Santa is gettin’ back at the reporter for pissin’ it off with her drunk hate mail, why is it wastin’ all its time killin’ folks she wouldn’t mind seein’ dead? Drunk Power Wheel joyridin’, head explodin’ Christmas tunes, eye gougin’, nativity corpses, attempted threeways, North Pole riddles, deeply suppressed tragedies, gift wrapped decapitations, and sing-a-long last stands! 3/5! 

LIFE (2017)

Astronauts rocket into space to study newly discovered Martian DNA on a returnin’ probe but screw the mission up so bad they accidentally resurrect a CGI Pokémon tryin’ to destroy everythin’. I’m very middle of the road regardin’ this sci-fi terror flick. It’s a well made movie with good actin’, top shelf effects, and a natural escalation of danger, but I just didn’t feel that connected with characters or impressed with the humdrum cat and mouse story. Drownin’ in space, space wrecks, fire guns, lab rats squeezed to nothin’, lab love, flyin’ cripples, wet bacon-lookin’ e.t.s, Martian squids, sleep pods, internal organ surfin’ e.t.s, twist endin’s, and hands crushed! 3/5!

THE LIFT (1983)

Lightening fries an elevator’s fancy microchips and turns it into a sentient deathtrap one lone repairman vows to stop ‘fore anyone else gets hurt. This Dutch horror pitches a pretty far out premise with some head scratchin’ moments regardin’ the lift’s origins and what it can do, but it’s a surprisingly engagin’ story with personalities who pull me in with their need to figure out what’s happenin’. The only sour that bugs me is the love triangle that’s set-up ‘tween the repairman, his psycho jealous wife, and the Lois Lane wannabe insistin’ she solves the mystery of the lift with him, ’cause there’s no follow through for any of it. The guy doesn’t cheat on his wife with the reporter, they never get back together after she leaves thinkin’ he’s havin’ an affair with the reporter, and the reporter never gives him a reason to reject her so the audience will like him more as a loyal husband. Boobs in elevators, hot box lifts, blind freefalls, crushed dollies, young’n slappin’, office affairs, slow decapitations, organic computer chips gone bad, bloody back rubs, elevator cable whippin’, hangin’s, elevator conspiracies, and toy car stompin’! 3/5! 

zlightsLIGHTS OUT (2016)

Sort of the more horrific version of Little Monsters, a rebellious daughter must protect her family from her mom’s besty beyond the grave, a telepathic ghost girl allergic to light! This horror truly lives up to the hype as a perfectly edited, superbly acted fright flick that introduces a terrifying new horror icon as well as induct Teresa Palmer into the new generation of tough last girls! Only gripe is too few bodies, and the step dad’s death felt like an afterthought. Lovers’ feud for drawers, death in shadows, sacrifices, black light tactics, basement traps, sensible actions for a horror movie, and bogus scare mannequins! 4/5! 


In this horror from down under, a clueless film crew is manipulated into drivin’ through a one shack outback town called Nowhere Else so they’ll cluelessly attract a giant face stealin’ bat creature their newest client wants captured. Your basic tag you’re dead runaround without a lot of story, this is a pretty decent watch, but I really wish the CGI creature was more convincin’ than a Windows screensaver. The sweetest part is veteran action star Vernon Wells playin’ a monster huntin’ innkeeper who deserves waaay more screen time than he gets. Stock footage surfin’, splattered critters, Ozzie stews, peepin’ toms, face stealin’, tunnel chases, monster hidey holes, dead kangaroo bait, and don’t come knockin’ if the trailers rockin’! 3/5! 


Dirty fingers trigger a damaged college gal to become a slashin’ cosplayer dressed as her favorite Red Ridin’ Hood doll, and only an overly surprised school reporter and his teacher can stop her. I avoid Brain Damage Films like the plaque, because they release 99.9% shit, but this flick is the one rare exception that’s only 80% shit. The story and actin’ ain’t bad, the score and sound mix is waaay better than it deserves to be, and there’s some genuine effort behind the camerawork, but this could have been better if it had more mystery and tension by not revealin’ who the killer is so quickly. Fatal shortcuts, fairy tale confessions, daddy rapists, gunshots, stabbin’s, some of the best scared faces EVER committed to celluloid, and one fella who’s terrified of fightin’ a psycho woman! 3/5!


Gary somehow marries a babe without gettin’ to know her son all that well and unfortunately finds out he’s become the step-dad to the Anti-Christ. Things only get crazier when the doomsday cult responsible for the little devil’s existence snatches him up to kick-start the end of times, and forces Gary to settle the age old nature vs nurture dispute. Compellin’ actin’ with a lot of fun characters, this is a solid Omen parody with its only flaw bein’ a stumblin’ introduction to the family in the first reel. Folks buried alive, goat hand puppets, Poltergeist TV talk, fatal freefall impalements, pyro clowns, cool monster truckin’ lesbos, step dad posses, attempted water park assassinations, doomsday rituals, whirlwind weddin’s, demons, pits of hell, and Clancy Brown plays an evil preacher! 4/5! 


Globe-trottin’ YouTubers land in Casablanca for their next travel vid and get ridiculously caught up in their crone of a landlord’s convoluted plot to have ’em possessed and sacrificed to extend her son’s demonically possessed life in a disappointments room. This movie looks great and has a few actors who really light up the screen, but putrid polecats, its story is just a shambled mess of over complicated twists, ambiguous relationships, and squirrely hem hawin’ ‘tween bein’ a comedy or a horror and whether or not it wants to be found footage or not. Expect to be confused and laughin’ at every characters’ whackadoo reaction from acceptin’ public rage rants ‘gainst mamas as normal to bein’ cool with passengers chokin’ ’em while drivin’. Satanic cults terribly disguised as weddin’s, demonic possessions, ceilin’ crawlin’, road rage, leg cuttin’, distorted voices, live burials, impaled faces, possessed rape, dingalings, head to toe blood baths, and demonic rituals! 2/5! 


In this decent ‘nough knock-off of The Craft, a gang of naughty Catholic school girls play ’round with dark magic leftover from their church’s past and are driven to resurrect a demonic force from hell for some unknown perk while huntin’ its holy adversary in hidin’ and a hunk virgin to sacrifice. Aside from the girls’ confusin’ motives for raisin’ a demon who’s defeated in an even more bafflin’ blink of an eye, this is a fairly good flick full of nudity, a big bad monster at the very end, and some iconic actors like Poltergeist‘s Zelda Rubenstein and Dream Warrior Jennifer Rubin. Stripteases, nude spell chantin’, indestructible evil books, secret tunnels, back slashin’, holy cross defenses, vicious visions, wafer defenses, big bad beasts, and kinda-sorta possessions! 3/5! 

LOCKOUT (2012)

When the US president’s daughter is caught in the middle of a prison riot in space, the CIA fires one of their disgraced agents into orbit to rescue her with smartass commentary. Often referred to as Escape From L.A. in space, this sci-fightin’ romp is constantly on the verge of somethin’ special but fails to make its mark with any real memorable moments or characters. Guy Pearce does an awesome job carryin’ the movie as its cynical badass with a soft side, but the script prevents him from truly knockin’ it outta the park with him performin’ ‘gainst a parade of cookie cutter inmates in a cartoony lookin’ future. Head buttin’, gunfire executions, stabbin’s galore, turncoat alliances, CIA moles, usurped presidencies, space divin’, jailbird cosplay, explosions, rough lookin’ motorcycle chases, sweet sets and spaceship models, brain damagin’ stasis, deep space ejectin’, and flash freeze fatalities! 3/5! 

THE LODGE (2020)

In what I’m assumin’ is a love letter to movies like Hereditary and The Shining, it’s been six months since a couple of young’ns’ mom ate a bullet, and they’re none too happy their dad wants to temporarily strand them with his ex-suicide cult girlfriend at a remote cabin for the holidays. As soon as he leaves, their bondin’ time goes to hell in a hand basket as their supplies go missin’, the power cuts off, and a blizzard rages outside. Did they die? Are the rugrats playin’ a sick prank? Or is it all in the woman’s head who’s one pill away from sheer madness? All I know for sure is it’s a looong dronin’ flick with barely any dialogue or action happenin’. There’s never any immediate danger, no escalatin’ threat – it’s just a buncha forebodin’ shotgun camera angles, pops of nerve shreddin’ noise, and folks givin’ each other the stink eye ’til the director decides to leave things open endin’ for the audience to decide how it all wraps up. Dead dog-cicles, staged hangin’s, kneelin’ on fire logs, bullets to the mug, frostbitten faces, boobs in the shower, frozen lake rescues, hangin’ turkey decor, Thanksgivin’ in the cold, zero Christmas spirit, and movie night with John Carpenter’s The Thing! 2/5!

LOLIDA 2000 (1998)

Jacqueline Lovell heats up the screen as a horny desk jockey refusin’ to destroy anymore sexual content the future deems disposable. Jumpin’ in a spaceship, she flees across space with her stolen smut and shares it with us anxious viewers on junked Goodwill computers. Basically the porno version of The Outer Limits with Jacqueline as the hostess, you’re titillated by 3 sci-fi romps about alien abductees fuckin’ in a U.F.O., lesbos grindin’ in interplanetary cages, and a hysterical time travel bit with a guy randomly fallin’ into a softcore slipstream that shows him people bumpin’ uglies through the centuries. Come for the skin, stay for the cheesy props and stories that’ll leave you laughin’. Shiny space shorts, nude art classes, e.t.s who like to watch, scared and horny prisoners, hypno sessions, touch o’ bondage, alien girls on girls, waitresses banged so hard it sends ripples through time, apocalyptic mattress wrestling’, cave people orgies, public bangin’, and Lovell gets intimate with a girl and herself! 3/5!

LONE WOLF (1988)

In this heavy metal lycan flick, a werewolf spends its winter nights attackin’ a small town’s population of horribly agin’ high schoolers, and it’s up to a beauty and the geek team of cyber sleuths to figure out who the supernatural stalker really is. So bad it’s good ’80s trash, this flick is nothin’ less than entertainin’ with charmin’ attempts at Rick Baker transformations effects, headbangin’ stage performances, melodramatic blow-ups, and most everyone talkin’ like lifelong metal heads. Everyone looks too damn old for high school, a lot of time is devoted to rockers who aren’t even the stars of the movie, and there’s a lot of fuss over computer programs, but Craven help us, we enjoy every minute of it! Head rippin’, bar rock shows, rock band groupies, computer hackin’, monstrous transformations, firin’ squad executions, costume party dances, mad dog scapegoats, rebellious youths, packs of howlin’ horn dogs, and silver bullets! 3/5! 


Legendary franchise aside, Scout Taylor-Compton has amassed enough horror credits to raise viewers’ expectations. For this one, keep your expectations in the polecat belly range. The movie’s run-time is only an hour and 31 minutes, yet The Long Night delivers exactly what its name promises—a slow-paced flick with little payoff; however, it’s mercifully and notably punctuated by brief appearances from Jeff Fahey, Deborah Kara Unger, and a magic, potentially demon-hosting vagina. Backing up to the premise, Scout plays Grace, whose hunt for her real family takes her to a plantation that may hold clues to her past. Her traveling companion is her rich, banal boyfriend who reluctantly packs his silver spoon and heads south with her, contributing to the eventual battle for survival by threatening people with his alleged karate skills and his father’s legal prowess. The set-up won’t get you invested in the story, and although we’re mighty glad they avoid the banjo and julep clichés, it’s a miss not to use the scenic location to enhance the plot, which is driven by a cult hell-bent on using Grace to resurrect its icon of evil. (She could also be meant to birth it or become it . . . the magic vagina reading was unclear.) Anyway, the lackluster couple is soon surrounded by the cult in the style of The Strangers. Although she’s on the other side of the robe in this one, the costumes may have evoked déjà vu for the enchanting Unger who starred in The Jackals in 2017. Throughout the long night, the suspense meter barely moves, Lapidus is quickly forced to leave the two stragglers lost on the island of misfit movies, and dawn comes with more of a shrug than a scream. Let’s hope the same is not true for Scout’s mark on the genre! 3/5!

When a gang of partyin’ friends mess around with a home-made Ouija board for a buzz, they accidentally release a vengeful Djinn one of them has family history with. One by one, the fire demon kills them off ‘til the remainin’ few can find magic that’ll defeat him. I was very surprise this djinn didn’t grant wishes and really disappointed this was more of a possession flick than creature feature. Overall, this is a well-made film with an entertainin’ cast, kinetic camera work, and thoughtful kills, but doesn’t have anythin’ too memorable about it. Fatal freefalls, Evil Dead nods, throat slittin’, wicked eyes, human matchsticks, séances, evil flashes, asylum break-ins, possessions, elevator beat ‘em ups, burn prints, fightin’ fire with fire strategies, magic rituals, wall smashin’, deaths on the toilet, magic rituals, who dunnit mysteries, and pyro-Ouija boards! 3/5!


In this above average homage to ’80s slasher flicks, bus jackin’ high schoolers joyride ’til the gas runs out and shack up in an old farm house where a Charles Manson lookin’ cannibal wants to pick them out of his teeth. The ’80s nostalgia is spot on from the wardrobe to the grindhouse film scratches, and the actin’s entertainin’ with each character bein’ a distinct personality you care about, but I think the film’s biggest flaw is its slasher. He’s played up like a unstoppable Michael Myers boogey man, but there just ain’t anything memorable about that sticks with you afterward ‘cept 1-2 decently gory kills. Decapitations, augers and pitchforks through the back, flesh chewin’, girls cut in two, barbed wire crucifications, heads in bear traps, car crushin’ deaths, dogs’ necks snapped, impalements, decayin’ décor, missin’ reel gags, and Robert Patrick plays the most bad-ass vice-principle ever committed to celluloid! 4/5! 


A moody saxophone player gets manipulated into some kinda murder rap after bein’ harassed by a reality warpin’ mystery man from a Tim Burton movie but luckily transforms into a different person which pardons him from jail long ‘nough to have a dangerous affair with a road ragin’ mobster’s girl who looks like his dead wife. Barely a horror flick, I don’t know why Entertainment Weekly once praised this as one of the top 25 scariest flicks of all time. The videophile who seems to be everywhere at once is creepy, but beyond that, this is just yer typical David Lynch project that takes its sweet time experimentin’ with surreal moods and sounds ’til it all takes a random right turn that creates a whole new movie, accented with pops of memorable violence. If you can stick with it through the first transformation scene, the pace really picks up after that with more traditional storytellin’. Porno parties, lotta love makin’ with boobs, lotta Patricia Arquette in her birthday suit, home invadin’ videos, mumblin’ dialogue with blasts of music, demolition derbies on the road, police chases, slit throats, impaled heads on coffee tables, gunfire executions in the desert, spontaneous boy swappin’, and lotta B-roll of asphalt in motion! 3/5!


A journalist suspects a band of vampire soldiers have been fightin’ history’s most famous wars since the Northern Aggression and follows the clues to their latest fight ‘gainst a dictator in Nicaragua who’s more than what he seems. More blow ’em away action than horror, this could’ve been a cool departure from yer typical bloodsuckin’ flick of Gothic romance and routine bloodlettin’ but lacks any central character to give it any substance worth carin’ ’bout. An even bigger offense is the ridiculous lack of gore given the truckload of bodies this movie drops! Shootin’ galore, zero blood squibs, death falls galore, whiny fangers with sticks in their legs, daytime vamps, bare minimum fangs, spin cycle death scenes, impalin’ booby traps, offscreen stabbin’s, bloody knives in trees, jungle warfare, bullet catchin’ and throwin’, flesh prickin’, resurrections, and vamp on vamp violence! 2/5!


Stranded aliens and an evil skeleton fight for the power of a rare element, atmosphereum, being studied by a scientist in a secluded cabin. I love the idea of mixing together different characters inspired  by 50s B-movies from space monsters to cursed fossils, and think the plot is clever enough for pulling it off, but I had a hard time watching this black and white homage to the atomic age of monster flicks. Mainly because part of the humor was intentional bad acting that got old real quick. Bad acting is genuinely funny when it’s actors really trying their best and failing and even better when they don’t even know it. Forcing bad acting robs the movie of charm and should have been countered with less comedic lines. Escaped muppet mutants, bossy skeletons on wires, women made of several critters, mutation guns, paper tube spaceships, mutants vs skeletons, dancing gals, science stuff, clueless rangers, and the funniest dinner party I’ve seen in awhile! 2/5!


A missin’ cruise ship reappears from the Bermuda Triangle after 25 years, and its owner races to beat the Coast Guard to its tow in the middle of a ragin’ storm with a TV crew taggin’ ‘long for the big scoop. Unfortunately, somethin’ from the Triangle is still on board and sinks their plans ’til hokey CGI boos can suck their souls. For a TV movie that’s Event Horizon on the high seas, this ain’t half bad. I think the thing ’bout folks facin’ their fears could be pushed a lot further, but the settin’s solid, it’s nicely elevated by an epic soundin’ score, and features a great cast of familiars from Lance Henriksen to Judd Nelson with future TV alum from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Supernatural. It’s obvious the filmmakers treated this flick like a blockbuster so it’s unfortunate they weren’t workin’ with a bigger budget for fancier cameras and less cartoony lookin’ ghost endin’. Crispy electrocutions, phantom dads, haunted phone calls, fatal crushin’ under anchors, giddy up ghost young’ns, supposed possessions, dusted cameramen, plug pullin’ curtain calls, flimsy floors, insta-change hall decor, and helicopter basket lifts for everyone! 4/5!


It’s Valentine’s Day(ish), and a slasher with a hook escapes the nut house to spread the word “prison food sucks” and continue his slaughter of parked teens lockin’ lips at lover’s lane. The filmmakers give the old college try followin’ the paint by numbers formula for a hackneyed horror film chock full of feudin’ teens gettin’ killed, tragic backstories, holiday settin’s, a mysterious themed killer based on an urban legend, and red herrin’s, but despite all that, the flick still lacks a certain “it” factor to excel as a horror film. Doesn’t help the twist endin’ confuses the hell out of me when there turns out to copycats of the hook killer with their own agenda that leaves you scratchin’ your head who was doin’ what the whole time. Slit throats, hooks to the legs and vagina, dog heads in the fridge, stunt boobs, topless make-outs, explosions, melodramatic pool fights, and moms punchin’ drunk teen girls at bowlin’ alleys! 3/5!


Ted Raimi is a lonely agoraphobic who spends his manic days battlin’ stop-motion spiders and operation happy doctors, but all that changes when he falls head over tin foil for a homeless guilt ridden chick needin’ protection from a street gang she pisses off. While this offbeat flick offers a lot of Sam Raimi’s brand of comedy with his filmmakin’ buddies givin’ us slapstick gags and surreal scenes of campy terror, this is lukewarm entertainment at best. Ted and Deborah Foreman don’t exactly have the best screen chemistry, and the story doesn’t have a lot of tension or high stakes. Brain burstin’ spiders, tin foil wallpaper, random rap videos, talkin’ magazine covers, she-hobos with guns, doggie roadkill (off camera), tin foil armor, big ass spiders, delusions of the world breakin’ apart, and Bruce Campbell beefs up his actin’ range as a homicidal doctor, a manipulative boyfriend, and Mikhail Gorbachev! 3/5!

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