Screaming Soup!

J – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER (2007)

After a chemistry teacher is compelled to stuff his face with a demon’s heart that possesses him from the inside out, he transforms into a Jabba the Hutt puppet and turns his classroom into Cro-Magnon lookin’ hench beasts only a rageaholic plumber can stop. With above average monster effects, chuckle worthy humor, a likable hero, and Robert Englund playin’ his version of Brundlefly, this should be an instant cult classic, but all the monster mayhem it promises doesn’t even start ’til the last half hour and feels like it ends as soon as it starts. Despite that and the lack of cohesion among all the monsters featured in this flick, it’s still a fun watch full of memorable moments. Demonic heart chompin’, 2 dead canines, hand eatin’, shotguns to the chest, old storytellin’ hardware coots, ravenous eatin’, pukin’, monster tentacles, orally delivered monster fluids, cyclops, jungle tribes, campsite massacres, throat punchin’, head bashin’, monstrous transformations, axes to the back, students flung ‘cross rooms, head chompin’, and explosions! 4/5! 

JACK FROST (1996)

Serial killer Jack Frost is transformed into living snow after being showered in genetic chemicals and seeks revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. A fun comic book villain kinda Christmas flick, there’s plenty of imaginative moments supported by decent acting, and one big “what the fuck” scene when Shannon Elizabeth is raped by Jack in the shower with his carrot nose! Wrecks, mutations, FBI, hit and runs, snowman road rages, rub-a-dub death rapes, executions by evaporation, blowdryer defenses, antifreeze flavored oatmeal, projectile icicles, decapitations, total meltdowns, deep throatin’ axes, face smashing, human ornaments, strangulations, giant snowballs, face munchin’, and snowman vomit! 4/5!

JACK IN THE BOX (2019)

A museum worker unknowingly releases a demonic clown from a Victorian age jack-in-the-box and has gotta stuff it back in its cursed hidey hole ‘fore it puts him outta work with its hunt for six souls to take ‘nother 15 year nap. A well made Euro flick, the filmmakers do their homework and successfully follow the blueprint for a good horror movie full of heroes with tragic pasts, memorable monsters, jump scares, Cassandra figures, and well paced deaths. Despite bein’ familiar with the recipe for a solid story, however, the hero could stand to be more engagin’ and get a clue anythin’s wrong sooner, and the monster needs to be pushed a lot further regardin’ its kills and execution. Gut stabbin’, face slashin’, folks dragged into cursed boxes, supernatural frame jobs for murder, and magic word fuck-ups! 4/5!

JACKALS (2017)

A concerned family kidnaps their troubled son from a cult of animal cosplayin’ psychos for an intervention, but the army of howlin’ whackos track them to their remote cabin in the woods and terrorize them ’til they give up the demented pup. A fairly simple story about a near hopeless stand-off over a loony who’s gotta pick a family to fight for, this flick delivers on the action, actin’, and crisp cinematography but could give us a more focused point of view with some real character development, a little more insight into the cult, and a more satisfyin’ endin’. Throat slittin’, stabbin’, impalements, guttin’, toasty hands, well meanin’ kidnappin’s, head bashin’, home invasions, cult rallies, and home-made weapons with duct tape, kitchen knives, and fireplace tools! 3/5!

JAKOB’S WIFE (2021)

A hickville hoppin’ vamper suckles on a pastor’s belittled wife and puts their faith and marriage to the ultimate test as her radical transformation into a sex pot of the night forces him to choose ‘tween bein’ an evil slayin’ holy roller or a criminally supportive husband. Despite this bein’ more or less the vampire version of Santa Clarita Diet, Barbara Crampton proves she’s still every bit the Scream Queen she ever was (nudity and all) and breaks out all the stops from both sides of the camera as this flick’s leadin’ lady and producer. The settin’ is all too familiar with its small town feel, the cast is nothin’ short of engagin’, everyone’s a walkin’ fire hydrant of blood, and the filmmakers manage to give me somethin’ I’ve never seen ‘fore in a vampire flick involvin’ teeth whitenin’ at the dentist office with UV light. Only thing that could make this better is a more memorable head vamper responsible for all this. Worm chewin’, blood vomitin’, Nip slips in the tub, head rippin’, bullets in the back, body nabbin’, curse bribin’ brats, humpin’ with boobs and man ass, CGI rat attacks, flesh eatin’ to the bone,  rat head bitin’, slit throats with chewed food poppin’ through, flamin’ lips, marital affairs, and an ambiguous endin’! 4/5!

JAWS OF SATAN aka KING COBRA(1981)

One of the lamest killer snake movies ever captured on celluloid, this movie’s about the devil returnin’ to Earth as a looong snake orderin’ regular snakes to bite people for whatever reason while he confronts an older priest whose bloodline is cursed for these kind of things. Odd characters, a half-ass story and uncreative camera work, this film doesn’t come across so much as a horror but more like an unintended comedy. Biggest disappointment is the devil not bein’ crazy monster size like the snakes in the Anaconda movies! Venomous snake bites, Jaws mayors, dog race tracks, snakes on trains, snake heads blown off, grateful slaps to the face, creepy crushes, cemetery chases, da-da da-da da-da da-da snake cave, toasty snakes, snakes in the shower, snakes in the bed, boobs in the shower, psychics, and Christina Applegate in her first role! 2/5! 

JEEPERS CREEPERS 3 (2017)

Pickin’ back up with the Creeper’s last 23 day killin’ spree with a story that takes place between parts one and two, a boonies lynch mob guns for the backroads slasher while racin’ him to a farm hidin’ one of his old body parts with secrets to his past. This weakest entry in the Creeper series leaves me happy and pissed at the same time. I can forgive low-budget short comin’s like TV quality effects and most the movie takin’ place durin’ the day, but the story killed me with its weak characters, build-ups with no pay offs, laughable action sequences, and the Creeper’s grab bag of powers that remind me of the randomness in Christopher Reeves’ Superman movies. Suckiest thing about the movie is how two people learn the secrets of the Creeper, but we’re never told any of it! Booby-trap Creepermobiles, impalements, Olympic javelin throwin’, eye-poppin’ gore, dirt bike punks, telekinetic weapons, teen-wolf car surfin’, axes to the face, magical Creeper meat mitts, car flippin’, ricochet road rage, spear fishin’, gattlin’ gun Humvees, haunted arguments, impervious rides, and car-seekin’ road bombs! 3/5!

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN (2022)

The Creeper gets a soft reboot with his initial trilogy bein’ written off as a buncha movies based on a boogeyman myth outta the bowels of Louisiana, and now the real Creeper’s wakin’ up to a backwoods HorrorHound party where secret cult followers send unsuspectin’ yahoos to be killed and eaten by him in a sham of an escape room attraction. Despite the controversial history surroundin’ its creator, Jeepers Creepers is a wickedly creative series with top shelf talents deliverin’ one of horror’s most distinguishable mon-stars in recent decades, and that’s sorely missed here with an all new creative team tacklin’ the Creeper for the first time. While Reborn is nothin’ less than solid filmmakin’ blessed with an engagin’ last girl who pulls her weight like a pro, it’s easily the weakest in the series thanks to alotta so-so actin’, a sparkless chemistry ‘tween its leads, and poorly executed Creeper scenes with zip tension, charm, and scares. Kudos to the filmmakers fer givin’ the Creeper a few new supernatural tricks up his sleeve while expandin’ his lore, but fans are ultimately better off readin’ the Jeepers Creepers funny books from IDW fer a satisfying follow-up to part three. Head on car wrecks, sad cosplay foreplay, voodoo dolls, topless visions, newborn fetus huntin’, face eatin’, brain sloppin’, arm chewin’, limb growin’, albino fowls, flyin’ axes to the noggin, redos of the first flick with Dee Wallace, flirty knife throwin’, bear traps, Creeper shrines, ear splittin’ whistlin’, nods to Halloween II, eye gougin’, major impalin’, and supernatural transportin’ through crows! 3/5!

JENIFER (2005)

Jenifer, a fugly mental case blessed with a bangin’ body, is rescued from near death by a cop and thanks him with so much sex, he risks everythin’ to cover her trail of feral kills. A rather sad tale directed by Dario Argento for the Masters of Horror series, I have to admit this flick sticks with me long after watchin’ it. While most may dismiss it as a silly story ’bout a guy followin’ his dick more than his head, Jenifer herself is a surprisingly complex character who inspires thoughtful discussions like whether she’s more manipulative than mental or if she’s actually a supernatural creature versus a disfigured loon. Mouth bitin’, cock suckin’, bangin’ in the car with boobs, bangin’ in the bed with boobs, uninvited anal with boobs, softcore dry humpin’, bullets to the head and chest, disembowelin’, young’n for monster meals, and dismembered cats! 4/5!

JERUZALEM (2015)

Seen through a fancy pair of computer linked specs, this found footage flick features a couple of BFF tourists partyin’ in Jerusalem ’til one of the prophesied gates to hell opens up, forcin’ everyone to fight their way outta the city from winged demons spreadin’ a monster turnin’ virus. Sharp cinematography with plenty of eye candy to look at, this is an engagin’ first person runaround followin’ some of the same beats as Cloverfield but manages to stand out some with its new spin — exposition-vision glasses! Only real sour is all the fightin’ with the demons not buildin’ up to a run-in with the Godzilla-size fella tearin’ through the streets, and the lame lookin’ CGI wings. Boobs ‘tween the sheets, zombie games, sword swingin’, creepy crawly wounds, underground chases, loony bin escapes, dead brother drama, winged demons galore, big-ass city stompin’ demons, fighter plane action, quarantines, holy executions, blood vomitin’, and demonic transformations! 4/5! 

JIGSAW (2002)

A college art class takes a field trip to a bar and gets smashed while presentin’ their joint disasterpiece, a hodge podge arts and craft mannequin whose body is so fucked up in the name of artistic expression, it has no choice but to randomly come alive without a lick of explanation and kill ’em all. The story’s genuinely interestin’, and the actors are kinda fun to watch thanks to some witty dialogue, but I think the filmmakers really dropped the ball when it comes to the monstrous design of their Ol’ Navy prop, and I’m pretty upset the movie just abruptly ends without any resolution whatsoever! Zero boobs, jealous truckers, heart attacks, crucified bonfires, remote camera eyes, firework mohawks, cowgirl dancin’, buzzsaw arms through the chest, suicidal flashback dramas, gals hogtied in their underwear, awkward swingin’, record breakin’ pees, teachers hittin’ on students, decapitated trickery, and strangulation! 2/5! 

JIGSAW (2017)

The police are findin’ bodily leftovers from Jigsaw’s newest game litterin’ the city and hurry to save the remainin’ players while tryin’ to figure out if this is the work of the original John Cramer or a copycat. Much like the Friday the 13th movies, the formula ain’t nothin’ new, but the devil’s in the details for what makes this eighth Saw film just as engagin’ as the first flick. More things are added to Jigsaw’s timeline, the franchise opens itself up to the possibility of even more sequels, and there’s plenty of blood with some top shelf make-up effects. Stabbin’s, impalements, sliced up human piñatas, severed legs, wire traps, bucket headgear, hangin’s, corrosive injections, deadly walls, fatal misfires, explodin’ hands, half decapitations, lethal injections, casket switcharoos, laser collars, sliced up heads, freefallin’ farm tools, skin puzzles, tricycle puppet mascots, and outdated instructional tapes! 4/5!

JOHNNY GRUESOME (2018)

When bad boy Johnny Grissom’s head bangin’ gang accidentally kills him, he’s none too happy ’bout it and returns from the grave to raise some hell on a budget. For a director’s dream project that’s been pressure cookin’ for 30+ years, I’m surprised this ain’t better than it is. I can overlook amateur lightin’ and half the cast lackin’ any screen presence, but the script needs a lot more tightenin’ regardin’ a more consistent point of view. It either needs to be more ’bout Johnny’s tragic journey beyond the grave as an anti-hero or solely focus on his best bud’s struggle with a guilty conscious as a much scarier Johnny closes in on him. Decapitated heads in lockers, slit throats, wet wicked witch defenses, re-animated skeletons, CGI soul tunnels, bangin’ between the sheets with boobs, staged suicides, stabbin’s, half severed hands, impaled heads, slam dunk corpses, principles smothered under bagged organs, parkin’ lot brawls, home invasions, knife fights, sharp shootin’ blind men, crowbars to the noggin’, ghost punches, daytime grave diggin’, and shower scenes without boobs! 2/5!

JOLLY ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER’S COVE (2005)

In this stripped down version of The Fog, the corpse of a vengeful pirate washes up on a small town’s beach and starts decapitatin’ the ancestors of his crew who stabbed him in the back forever ago while a couple of teenage idiots needlessly spin their wheels tryin’ to clear their name of his first beach party massacre. While this is a buncha silly fun from the studio that brought us Sharknado, I can’t get over how awful the fugitive lovers are as they spend nearly the entire movie thinkin’ they’re gonna be lazy cops’ scapegoats for an open shut case of murder and run from the law to be some of the saddest gumshoe detectives EVER committed to celluloid. All while the cops have already seen the undead matey in action by the second act which renders their quest for the truth pretty damn pointless. At least the ghost of Long John Silver and all the loosey goosey rules for what makes him tick are a hoot to watch. Especially the scene he’s fondlin’ dancers at a strip club while mutilatin’ the bouncers! Arm rippin’ and beatin’, magical self editin’ security cameras that see all, swords to the gut, magical sea chests, vanishin’ acts, ironin’ board boobs on the beach, topless strippers, lap dances, dissected pole dances, severed hands, unexplained glowin’ eyes, head huntin’, decapitations galore, school auditoriums that double for computer labs, and hard rockin’ secretaries! 4/5! 

JUDAS GHOST (2013)

A gang of paranormal investigatin’ Brits are shootin’ a ghost hunters trainin’ video in a haunted school hall, but the cheeky booga-boo they encounter is more powerful than expected and pushes them to their limits as CGI blood closes in ’round them. For a four wall drama, this ain’t bad. A slow-burn, absolutely, but not bad. The ensemble of clashin’ personalities is entertainin’, there’s a steady escalation of danger, and the filmmakers keep me on my toes by addin’ their own addition of made-up spooks to rival the usual suspects behind hauntin’s and possessions. Only minor sour might be savin’ the entire body count for the final act. Explodin’ flower vases, psychics, dead pits, blood geysers, dissolvin’ techs, spiritual sacrifices, disappearin’ doors and phones, salt circles, magic symbols, light spells, and homicidal ghosts! 3/5! 

JUNE (2015)

A half possessed baby named June is rescued from some UFO inspired ritual and ping pongs through different foster families ’til she lands at Casper Van Dien’s doorstep as a 9 year old Carrie wannabe who yammers with an inner demon. The cult decides to give her ritual another go after all this time, and Casper’s gotta ditch June before he and his wife get hurt. This flick has a lot of sweets goin’ for it like production value and a cast with real actin’ chops, but the story doesn’t feel like it has enough substance, tension, or mystery to me. It’s over before I know it, and I barely notice or care when key characters are killed by CGI. Demonic whirlwind breaths, tricks of the eyes, garbage disposal injuries, hurled dinners, insta-rain, trailer trash culture, mass homicide, possessions, young’n bullies, bleedin’ orifices, black eyes, slit throats, secret cults, dark rituals with UFO lights, and a bloodbath of a girl’s first period! 3/5!

THE JUNGLE (2013)

A gang of do-gooders are on a mission to find and a tag an endangered leopard in the Indonesian jungle but end up in a Blair Witch situation when they cross paths with some kinda camera shy booga boo that can rip ’em and their leopard to shreds. A fairly interestin’ idea for a creature feature, the biggest sour with this found footage flick is there ain’t ‘nough goin’ on as far as the absent monster’s concerned, and the first person perspective gets old fast thanks to the settin’ bein’ dense jungle that looks the same in every direction. Nightvision jump scares, tranq guns, chewed up carcasses, severed meat mitts, dark magic tree decor, leopard poo trails, and silly video game lookin’ monster reveals at the last possible second! 3/5! 

THE JURASSIC GAMES (2018)

It’s The Running Man meets Jurassic Park as death row inmates fight for their freedom in a televised VR world of killer dinos where game overs mean real life death by lethal injection. While I’m hooked by the idea of criminals bein’ hunted down by prehistoric predators, the fact it’s a shmancy video game deflates all the tension and fun for me. The dinos are gonna look CGI no matter what, so why not just make ’em sophisticated robots and let us enjoy all the crazy deaths as real? Not to mention the hero’s pretty lame and lacks that same innocent man charisma Schwarzenegger displayed in The Running Man. A great lookin’ flick overall, but eh as far as characters and story are concerned. Rebel takeovers, Caveman protesters, lethal injections galore, inmate eatin’ t-rex, maze chases with raptors, weapon upgrades, neck bitin’, stabbin’ galore, landmine explosions, pterodactyls, sad copy/paste explosions over folks’ heads for TNT collar effects, man-eatin’ plants with corrosive drool, desert duels to the death, fatal bug swarms, and firefights! 3/5!

JUST BEFORE DAWN (1981)

If your gang ignores every forest ranger and drunken hick warnin’ ya not to drive your big ass RV up the damn mountain because it’s too dangerous, then y’all deserve to be game for inbred killers lookin’ for new wardrobes that compliment their unibrows! An effective film with its droning score, beautiful forest scenery, and energetic characters, there’s one incredibly creepy shot, and you won’t believe how Tweedletard and Tweedletarder are whipped in the end. Blondes in hot pants, gingers skinny dippin’, machete killin’, impalements, choppin’ down trees with machetes to reach the last girl, Creature From the Black Lagoon pranks, boom box hatin’ hicks, sirens singin’, campin’, abandoned church massacres, rope bridge disasters, truck explosions, gunshots, and last girls up to their elbows in slashers! 3/5!