I – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
I AM FEAR (2020)
A high profile reporter gets kidnapped by decapitatin’ terrorists wantin’ to make a political statement at ‘merica and after a buttload of semi-borin’ drama, she turns into a demon at the last second and flips the whole movie on its head. I don’t know what this is ’bout, Scream Freaks! It’s 95% spies and lies twisted up with some kinda revenge story, and 5% horror with an almost random demonic outburst that lacks any motivation or history I can sensibly follow. This movie has the right ingredients for a decent story, but it’s all blended together wrong with too many convoluted details preventin’ me from rootin’ for any particular characters. Only worth watchin’ for the make-up effects and Bill Moseley pretendin’ to be Larry King. Decapitations, CIA spies, kidnappin’s, throat slittin’, nightmare sequences, demonic transformations, neck bitin’, explosions, political cover-ups, mean lookin’ coked-out visions, and bullets to the head! 2/5!
I BOUGHT A VAMPIRE MOTORCYCLE (1990)
A satanic ritual goes wrong and a demon is trapped in a Norton motorcycle that runs on blood. This British horror comedy was decent at best with believable characters, low budget effects, and gritty cinematography, but it really doesn’t rev up till the 3rd act. By then, the bike’s fully transformed with projectile spikes and flesh chomping lights, chasing victims up walls and underwater. The film’s also notable for giving horror another ass-kicking priest who’s played by Star War’s C-3PO, Anthony Daniels. 3/5!
I DREAM OF DRACULA (2003)
First off, the title is a bold face lie! The chick starrin’ in this homemade flick is really dreamin’ of Satan and a couple of his goth chicks she’s gotta impress so she can join their cosplay club of slutty vamps. While this VHS disasterpiece does offer an interstin’ enough story about a reincarnated vampire strugglin’ against treacherous fangers and a cheatin’ husband tryin’ to send her to the loony bin, I can’t overlook how shitty it’s executed. Limited camerawork, awkward actin’ (minus the lead chick), a mind numbin’ score, lack of effort behind the sets with nearly everything shot in one house, long drawn out scenes with blow by blow recaps and repetitive arguments, and the scariest thing that makes you shield your eyes are the naked vamps! Wig gags, fang bang lap dance, bruised asses, boyfriends sleepin’ with their girl’s whole family, reincarnations, bites to the neck, pizza delivery porn set-ups, pizzaboy deaths, fights with Satan, and vomitin’ psychics! 1/5!
I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1970)
Revenge is a dish best served rabid when a little boy tricks a gang of roamin’ Satanists into eatin’ meat pies laced with rabies as punishment for beatin’ up his older sister. The boy’s plans fly off the rails, however, ’cause these mad devil lovin’ squatters spread the disease to the townfolk with a killin’ spree and create a mouth foamin’ epidemic. For a flick I always hear folks pan, this ain’t half bad. There’s some satisfactory gore, memorable characters, a simple plot that never leaves you snoozin’, and laughable scenes only found in low-budget horror movies. Swordswallowin’ done wrong, electric knife violence, severed hands, suicides, foot and pain fetish combos, human matchsticks, extreme ratcatcher games, reckless downhill pranks, dead rabid dogs, rat kabobs on an open fire, stabbin’s, axe wieldin’ maniacs, boobs, bitin’, satanic rituals, doped up geezers, hangin’s, firin’ squad executions, rabid killers’ greatest weakness is a garden hose, sacrificed chickens, no means no in the shower, and nobody drinks anyone’s blood! 3/5!
I EAT YOUR SKIN (1971)
A playboy writer is whisked away from wooing bikini clad beauties by the pool to Voodoo Island where a doctor’s cancer research is creating a loyal army of scab face zombies. This is one of them flicks you gotta just go into with your claws in the air like you don’t give a shit and simply enjoy. The girl crazed hero’s droppin’ pick-up lines like he wrote the book, the zombies look surprised as hell, and the action’s right out of an adventure pulp. Plane crashes, radiated snake venom, onscreen decapitations, meltin’ faces, pool stunts, voodoo dances, and nobody eats anyone’s skin. 3/5!
I HATE XMAS (2017)
In this stockin’ stuffer short, a shrink helps a fella with a bad case of Christmas humbugs and uncovers the dark truth behind his hate for the holiday. The cinematography ain’t bad, the actors manage to keep your interest, and there’s merry décor supportin’ the season unlike the music which is damn distractin’. Three dead bodies, two indie actors, and one head scratchin’ twist! 3/5!
I, MADMAN (1989)
In this horror version of Reading Rainbow, a bookstore clerk reads a cursed dime-store pulp and is stalked in real life by the crazed lovesick surgeon written in its pages. Very slick and kinetic cinematography with awesome lighting and composition of shadows, this under the radar film is wonderfully grounded in modern times while harking back to a classic Hollywood feel. Stop-motion jackal boys, human potato-heads, the worst jump scare with a drink in hand I’ve ever seen, effective slashers, girls who only look sexy with glasses on . . . Only thing to bitch about are some blocks of pissing time here and there, and the lead girl needed to be less of a bimbo. 4/5!
I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE (1958)
Men are bein’ replace by alcohol hatin’ e.t. doppelgangers needin’ to mack on their Earth wives to keep their race from goin’ the way of the dodo, but one housespouse is on to their plans and looks for help from anyone who’ll believe her. Kind of a less paranoid fueled version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, this is a solid monster movie through and through’, but the characters ain’t all that compellin’, and there’s barely any escalation of danger. The most entertainin’ parts are the unexpected bursts of violence from a stalker shootin’ a cop in broad daylight to e.t.s zappin’ hussies dead in the street. Worst scene is the unbelievable treatment of a new pet dog whose screen time is really short if ya know what I mean. Spaceship invadin’, freefloatin’ folks, kidnappin’s, gunpoint street executions, accidental murder by oxygen, disintegratin’ rays, doggies killed offscreen, and oatmeal meltdowns! 3/5!
I NEED YOU DEAD (2020)
I SAW WHAT YOU DID (1988)
In this TV movie starrin’ the brothers Carradine, two home alone teeny boppers crank call strangers out of the phone book and accidentally taunt a homicidal headcase with the phrase, “I saw what you did.” After a night’s worth of wishy washy tension, the killer pyro finally locates his mystery gals by the last reel and tries shuttin’ them up for good for a murder they have no clue ’bout. This is one of them sad kind of flicks where there’s so much goin’ for it from the talent to the soundtrack and camerawork, but I’ll be damned if the script just fails to create any real danger to keep ya worried for anyone. The amount of story material would work best as a 20-40 minute TV episode ‘stead of a thinly stretched feature. Creepy red herrin’s, guitar pickin’ with combs, bashin’, attempted burials, inconclusive dog deaths, domestic infernos, human matchsticks, cliff divin’ car crashes, prank calls, sloppy murder scene cover-ups, and the most animated performance I’ve ever seen from David Carradine! 2/5!
I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
This flick’s got a dumb title, but it actually has an interestin’ story ’bout a future where some science project blows up and creates a world (or at least a pocket of America) where folks can actually see loopin’ echoes of the dead all ’round them. While they’re supposed to be harmless, Bella Thorne thinks one’s tryin’ to hurt her and investigates the phenomenon with the help of a classmate as obsessed with the ghosts as she is. This movie’s such a fresh mix of sci-fi horror, it easily holds my interest to the very end which has some nice twists to keep me on my toes. I was also impressed with Bella flexin’ her actin’ chops to play somethin’ other than a hot chick in a horror movie. Ghosts stuck on replay, shower scares, literal city of the dead, strangled apparitions, folks buried alive, drownin’ deaths, planned possessions, and instant polar bear club members! 4/5!
I TRAPPED THE DEVIL (2019)
Matt and his wife drop in on his brother Steve for a surprise Christmas visit and are shocked when Steve tells them the devil’s trapped behind a door in his basement, and he’s gotta keep him there to prevent the smallest percentage of the world’s problems. After a painful amount of pissin’ time with no answers or explanations for how any of this happened, Matt questions Steve’s sanity ’til everybody shoots each other, and SPOILERS, the devil’s released in the form of a little girl who skips outta this movie as fast as we do when it’s over. Putrid polecats, this feels like a five minute short film padded out with a record breakin’ ‘mount of house wanderin’, empty space starin’ bullshit to meet feature length, and it’s one of the most borin’, uneventful wastes of celluloid I’ve ever had the displeasure sittin’ through! Do yourself a favor and just skip this yuletide turd altogether. But if you’re a cinephile sadist, spare yourself unnecessary pain and skip to the last half hour as soon as Steve mentions the devil! 2/5!
I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN (1957)
Professor Frankenstein works double-time as a genuine dick who’s secretly hodge podgin’ together a hunk of a teen freak he treats like lab equipment in his basement full of gators while bein’ one of the worst fiancés ever committed to celluloid to a hopeless romantic. Yup, I was naturally drawn to watch this black and white drive-in classic for its spin on the monster as a teenager, but his pop’s the real horror show I can’t wait to see get his comeuppance. His relationship (if ya wanna call it that) with his doe eyed fiancée is nothin’ short of a Ruin My Lifetime movie of the week, and the only thang more laughable than the breakin’ point bein’ him wantin’ to smuggle Teen Frank over international borders in pieces is the filmmakers’ startlin’ decision to suddenly have the movie in color ’cause someone gets electrocuted. Huh?! Offscreen car wrecks, corpse thievin’, face stealin’, home invadin’, escaped science projects, folks turned gator chow, electrocutin’, and stranglin’! 3/5!
I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (2019)
An internet troll checks into a shady ma and pa motel wrapped in neon on April Fools and meets a socially intimidatin’ desk clerk named Chester whose idea of fun is pesterin’ him ’til he’s dead. The interaction between Chester and his annoyed guest I halfheartedly root for is so fuckin’ slow and awkward the first third of the movie, I’m screamin’, “Get out!” more than I did at the movie Get Out. But, this is obviously the filmmakers’ intention (I hope), and ya just have to bear with it ’til things start pickin’ up every 30 minutes in with the arrival of additional characters, and a final act that runs full steam ahead. Peepin’ tom cameras, social media trollin’, uncomfortable vendin’ machine conversations, ear stabbin’, dick graffiti, dick pics, OD on cleaner, zip tie strangulation, offscreen car wrecks, doped up dead man pool parties, party horns in the tailpipe gags, and a last second flashback story ’bout dogs and airbags! 3/5!
ICE CRAWLERS aka DEEP FREEZE (2002)
An Antarctic drillin’ station unearths prehistoric mosquito worms, and an interchangeable gang of grad students gotta team-up with a few roughnecks to escape the rubbery beasts ‘fore they shit all over their frozen corpses. An overall decent creature feature that does its best to entertain, the only sour that bugs me is its overall lack of gore with off camera deaths remindin’ me of red shirts gettin’ killed by the original Star Trek monsters. A couple of bloody scenes make up for this toward the end, but I keep gettin’ distracted by how strangely their executed like the one ice critter that seems to have crawled up a woman’s vagina ‘fore turnin’ her inside out. Wolfman showers, bookworm beauties, boobs ‘tween the sheets, hot tubs, under the bed booger beasts, shotguns to the chest, drownin’, human pop sickles, near fatal free falls, explosions, helicopter escapes, explodin’ bug heads, freezin’ autopsies, and big-ass bug bosses! 3/5!
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK (2017)
A movie that’ll leave ya madder than a bullied ‘squatch, this flick’s ’bout a milf movin’ to the suburbs and fightin’ adulteress thoughts as a local teen flirts his way into her pants. And oh, yeah . . . a random ice cream man is cruisin’ the hood and tries to kill them at the end before the filmmakers decides to take a mulligan turn for one of the most unexplained WTF moments I’ve ever seen! This little movie looks great and has some respectable actin’ but is way more Ruin My Lifetime than horror with only 5 minutes dedicated to the killer. Artsy fartsy bullshit, I say! Ice cream bait, stabbin’s, bondin’ over devil’s lettuce, milf bangin’ on playgrounds, worst chase EVER, folks lobotomized with milkshake machines, and random mulligan endin’s! 2/5!
ICE QUEEN (2005)
A plane carryin’ a monstrous hottie from the Ice Age crashes in the mountains and traps a miniature ski resort under a stock footage avalanche. Now, the handful of residents still alive gotta shake off the fake snow and outrun the feral she-beast ‘fore she ices them all. A charmin’ low-budget horror that honestly tries its best, this obscure creature feature is a hoot to watch thanks to meetin’ the trifecta of schlocky entertainment with modest gore, a memorable monster, and fake boobed bimbos barin’ their talents. There’s a few minor sours like over complicated mercenary plots and characters usin’ heavy artillery on everythin’ but the monster, but they’re all forgivable. Helicopter attacks, monstrous heists, explosions, ambushed convoys, plane crashes, hot tub meltdowns, hand dryer defenses, impalin’, ice pop corpses, disembowelin’, flirtatious beasts, slashed implants, artificial flotation devices in hot tubs, wet t-shirt contests, skiing, avalanches galore, and ice monster-vision! 4/5!
ICE ROAD TERROR (2011)
Alaskan miners unearth a giant cartoon reptile, and after it tears through their whole crew, it’s dead set on eatin’ two competin’ ice road truckers who show up at the wrong time to make a delivery. A run of the mill TV flick fer the Syfy channel with folks fightin’ a CG critter, this one’s better than most, and alotta that’s thanks to castin’ such a solid ensemble of talent from shows like Supernatural, Teen Wolf, and Blood Ties. With well paced action, characters exhibitin’ real personalities, and respectable ‘nough gore, I’d say this creature feature’s worth checkin’ out to pass a lazy afternoon. Tails through the chest, lotta trucker lingo, creeper vibes, monster-o-vision, construction site massacres, cabin massacres, flamethrowin’ gas pumps, freezin’ hikes, explodin’ trucks, and eye stabbin’s! 3/5!
ICE SPIDERS (2007)
Big ol’ spider pixels escape from a top secret military lab and attack a nearby skiing resort where they meet their worst nightmare – – – an ex-Olympian skier with a bum knee. More fun than yer average TV movie, this nature gone wrong flick does a great job keepin’ the action movin’ as it bounces its focus ‘mong several different gangs of skiers and soldiers fightin’ fer their lives through a nice mix of locations. While I normally call out poor CGI critters as immediate sours, I get a good laugh whenever these cartoon spiders are ridiculously animated over skiers mindin’ their own business on the slopes. Severed legs, cocooned victims, mutilated deer, impalin’ with deer antlers, ski resort massacres, half-pipe traps, explosions, lab massacres, double dare skiin’, last stand resorts, snowmobilin’, bus traps, and leg breakin’! 4/5!
ICED (1988)
Old friends catch up during a timeshare pitch for a new ski resort, unaware a psycho skier is out to ice them all. Not a bad story with good characters full of cheesy drama, I would like to see more special make-up effects and consistent gore, but the filmmakers keep you pleasantly distracted with boobs in the meantime! Drunk skiing, fatal hot tubs, impalements, icicles to the face, ski poles through the throat, slasher vision, bear traps for every foot, pantless last girls, snowman ambushes, awkward make-out sessions, sex premonitions, men’s asses, and hit and kills with construction vehicles! 4/5!
ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975)
Wanting to prove women have a higher threshold for pain than men, a sadistic milf named Ilsa runs experiments at a Nazi concentration camp where men and women are tortured in the most inhumane ways, often for her sick sexual pleasure. One of the most popular exploitation films of all time for boobs, gore, and Nazis, this ain’t the most disturbin’ thing you can watch but comes pretty damn close as you’re reminded crazy shit like this was happenin’ during the war. Definitely a mind fuck with babes mixed with torture. Softcore action, boobs galore, threesomes with blondes, urinating fetishes, bullets to the face, syphilis victims, gapping leg wounds with maggots, castrations, gun fights, gangrene limbs, stabbings, hard boiled girls, eyes gouged, topless flogging, clamped nipples, amputated feet, bloody dildos, electrified dildos, rapes, girls hung over blocks of melting ice for dinner entertainment, bodies hung to dry, girls under pressure, prison breaks, bad guys get their just desserts in the end, and American heroes able to control their wad! 4/5!
THE IMMORTALIZER (1990)
A double date takes a turn for the worse as young lovers are kidnapped by Dr. Devine’s black market clinic where rich geezers pay top dollar to have their brains scooped out and stuck in younger bodies. An overall decent flick with a nice mix of bad guys, I think the film’s biggest hiccup is its lack of interestin’ characters for us to care about which hurts any tension the filmmakers try buildin’. Deformed brutes, electric cages, cattle prod defenses, fatal freefalls into corpse grinders, brain surgeries, double crossin’ colleagues, Re-Animator lookin’ serums, epic undercover fails, literal back stabbin’ with handguns, dungeon pits, and kidnappin’s! 3/5!
IMPACT EVENT (2018)
If ya read this movie’s description, it basically says the Earth has fallen into shambles after an asteroid hits it, and a handful of folks shacked up in a haunted funhouse have to defend their d-day home from a roamin’ band of cannibals. In reality, 90% of this sucker is folks goin’ over the measures one needs to take for survivin’ a radiated wasteland like a church-funded instruction video, 5% is Michael Berryman showin’ up long ‘nough to collect a cameo paycheck and split, and the last few handful of minutes is dedicated to the whole hook that got us to watch this dud with the self-proclaimed cannibals (yup, all mentioned in passin’) bein’ effortlessly killed in the funhouse. A valiant effort for an apocalyptic flick that flies by without alotta noticeable drag, the biggest fault of this movie is simply not exploitin’ its own material ‘nough for a more entertainin’ story that can be as engagin’ as educational as it’s tryin’ to be. More funhouse and cannibalism, period. Prison breaks, fire sales on hazmat suit, bullets to the head, radiation worries galore, stabbin’s, and celebrities playin’ supportin’ characters from their own kitchens! 2/5!
IN THE DARK (2015)
Gravitas Ventures proves at least a micro percentage of its flicks don’t completely suck and give us a horror anthology of monsters and slashers as seen by a couple of babes swappin’ out random motel movies in a VCR for a marathon of short scares. There’s 3 and a half shorts if you count the girls watchin’ the videos, and they’re each well cast with some high quality camera work and effects that ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed of. In order from sweetest to most sour, my favorite is probably the Little Shop of Horrors knock-off with a meat eatin’ VCR, then the cheesy haunted house prop killin’ criminals in a warehouse, and I thought the slasher dressed like a dummy was decent but drags the energy down with too much Tom and Jerry pissin’ time. Worth a look for some WTF moments, but don’t expect much! Leg rippin’, clothed sex with boobs, deep fried criminals, fatal freefalls on the noggin’, stabbin’s, live target practice, fancy lit books, VCR monster fuckin’, severed dicks, canned ham death blows, nightmare sequences, cliff divin’ deaths, dummy therapy, vengeful mamas, severed fingers, mutilated women, and kidnappin’! 3/5!
IN THE EARTH (2021)
While the world’s bein’ wrecked by some big bad virus, a couple of yahoos are charged with findin’ some MIA scientist in the woods workin’ on a cure, only to find a tag team of mean green shroom trippin’ hippies tryin’ to communicate a truce with Mother Nature through psychedelic light shows from a book of witchcraft. A slow burn indie of sci-fi lite with ‘nough longwinded kaleidoscope sequences to contend with those in Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, this semi-apocalyptic flick has nuggets of interestin’ ideas but its preference for style over substance leaves a lot to be desired regardin’ any dynamic characters I feel compelled to root for. The biggest sour, however, is this bein’ one of those bullshit make-of-it-what-you-will kinda stories with the filmmakers refusin’ to commit to the experiments actually makin’ contact with an elemental deity or it all bein’ stoned illusions. Ambush beatin’s, shoe stealin’, roofy lullabyes, gashed feet, axed toes, carterized wounds, flashin’ lights galore, kidnappin’, head bashin’, impaled eyes, freakout shroom fogs, annoyin’ noises galore, dope-o-vision galore, disembowled corpses, and morbid portraits! 2/5!
IN THE TALL GRASS (2019)
Passin’ motorist get lost in a never endin’ maze of ancient time-bendin’ weeds and gotta out think the aggressive turf ‘fore it converts ’em all into grass worshippin’ minions to fondle its massive rock. Based on a trippy little father son story from the King family, this Netflix original is a pretty fun watch and one of the toughest what-would-you-do scenarios I challenged myself to think through in a long time. The filmmakers do a lot with very little, the actors are incredibly compellin’, and the production value is top-notch from the camerawork to its special effects. Ever shiftin’ grounds, portals, parallel doppelgangers, dirty limericks, weed men, what I think are dirt babies or souls, dead and resurrected dogs, skeletal remains, eye gougin’, stranglin’, near fatal free falls, prego last girls, stabbin’s, Stephen King Easter eggs, and new born snacks! 4/5!
INCARNATE (2016)
It’s Inception meets The Exorcist as Aaron Eckhart plays a vengeful cripple who needs no explanation for how he enters possessed folks’ noodles to snap ’em outta their demonic trances, and his latest case might be too much for him to handle when he finds the uber demon who killed his family hangin’ out in a broken family’s young’n. A top shelf production with a cool spin on Oscar winnin’ ideas, the only sour this flick oozes is a lack of tension with criminally one dimensional characters simply fulfilling their roles to move the story forward. Without developin’ meaningful relationships ‘mong the characters or givin’ Aaron a dynamic story arc to build him up as a relatable lead with texture, this watches like an indifferent studio flick driven by rinse repeat plot points. Demonic call girls, floatin’ handicaps, assassinations by the homeless, window jumpin’ galore, psych-out endin’s, rubber room escapees, shapeshiftin’ disguises, demon blood boosters, tragic flashbacks, arm breakin’, and body jumpin’! 3/5!
INCIDENT IN A GHOST LAND (2018)
Two teen sisters move into their dead aunt’s creepy home for dolls and are instantly invaded by a cross-dressin’ psycho and his retarded ogre who beat them so bad, about half the movie’s just one sis pretendin’ she’s already escaped and grown up to tell the tale as the female Steven King. This beautiful lookin’ flick starts off with a lot of promise when I think the one sister’s really escaped and returns years later to face the killers as ghosts hauntin’ the dolls in the house, but my interest just spiraled down the shitter as soon as it’s revealed the filmmakers were goin’ the artsy fartsy route with all this parallel storytellin’ between the sisters’ brutal reality and the one girl’s fantasy with Lovecraft complimentin’ her worth as a wordsmith. It ain’t as bafflin’ as Mother! and less confusin’ than The Fountain, but this could have been waaay better. Freaky dolls galore, trick mirror gags with giant cacklin’ dolls, stabbin’s, crotch sniffin’, suggested rape, menstruation, toasty’ dolls, creepy candy trucks, cop killin’s, throat slittin’, doll cosplay, beaten boobs, flesh rippin’ with teeth, and girls pissin’ their pants! 3/5!
INCIDENT ON AND OFF A MOUNTAIN ROAD (2005)
A giant albino of an eye gougin’ serial killer drags the victims of a fender bender back to his cabin of horrors but gets more than he bargained for when one of ’em turns out to be a gung-ho survivalist. One of the Masters of Horror mini-movies, this is an entertainin’ piece of work from Phantasm creator Don Coscarelli based on someone else’s short story, but it’s ’bout as predictable as an episode of Tales From the Crypt. The best part of the whole thang is watchin’ Angus Scrimm flex his actin’ chops as a doo-da singin’ yokel in the killer’s basement. Over the top torture devices for a pretty simple hank crank action, flashback rape, eye gougin’, basements full of bodies, crucified yard decorations, panties doublin’ as slingshots, eye stickin’, impaled legs, frame jobs, marital combat, car wrecks, fatal freefalls, and survival nuts! 3/5!
THE INCREDIBLE 2-HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971)
A more serious version of The Thing With Two Heads, an unconventional doctor can’t pass up the opportunity to force a powerful retard to share shoulders with an escaped psychopath who makes them kill anyone and everyone they run into for the sheer hell of it. A good movie, I just wish the filmmakers had pushed the drama a little further and put a little more focus on the victims’ struggle as a surgical freakshow. Boobs in the bath, 2 headed critters and snakes, biker violence, deadly cock blocks, shots in the back, devious assistants, cave-ins, dead monkeys, playing with axes, and Casey Kasem as mad science’s best friend! 4/5!
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN (1957)
Scott Carey is the unluckiest man in the world as contact with a random radiation mist mixed with exposure to common pesticides cause him to slowly shrink small enough to live in a matchbox. More tragic than adventurous, this is a pretty damn depressing story as Scott comes to terms with his freakish problem while giving us the greatest battle for cheese ever filmed in a savage basement of doom. Freak shows, dollhouses, giant cats, giant spiders, laugh out loud wife bashing, cheese, a hot Thumbelina, and life-saving thread and needle kits. 4/5!
INFESTATION (2009)
A slacker wakes up in the middle of a giant bug invasion and finds a girl worth fightin’ flesh hungry insects and mutant bug folk for. This is an amazin’ film I can’t recommend enough thanks to its perfect balance of humor, action, tension, gross out gags, and tenderness. You care about every character, the danger is real but with perfectly punctuated points of levity, and the story’s realistically written while still offerin’ fantastic circumstances. The CGI bugs aren’t the greatest effect, but easily overlooked when compared to the rest of the flick. Giant flyin’ insects grabbin’ and stingin’ folks, giant beetle critters, cocoon wrapped flesh snacks, queen bugs, bug eggs, folks mutated into hybrid drones, bug dog hybrids, boobs, bug guts, fatal freefalls, explosions, crazy hot bitches, deafenin’ defenses, gunplay, mutant bug boys, wake-up vomit, bicycle invasions, underground bunkers, and Ray Wise plays soldier! 5/5!
THE INHABITANT (2022)
A high schooler named Tara learns she might be havin’ alotta violent thoughts ’cause she’s related to the infamous Lizzie Borden and hopes she’s not the one hackin’ folks up ’round town lately. The filmmakers obviously do their best to present a cinematic lookin’ movie with actors skilled ‘nough to carry this character driven horror, but the script and pacin’ miserably drag it all down to a lukewarm watch devoid of any urgency or tension. Instead of Tara rushin’ to discover the truth ’bout her twisted family lineage full of spooks or demons or whatever while desperately stayin’ a step ‘head of the cops suspectin’ her as a slasher, it feels like she has all the time in the world to figure out her situation without a single worry, makin’ fer a snooze of a watch. And even worse, this is set ’round Halloween which has no relevance to the plot whatsoever and even carries over into November. The hell?! Hackin’ galore, mental family members, nut house visits, family reunion seances, the Lizzie Borden House, supposed hauntin’ spectres, urges to kill babies, and shout out to Leslie Bibb whose performance breathed life back into this movie ‘fore the end credits! 2/5!
INIT!ATION (2020)
A masked slasher’s crucifyin’ supposed frat boy rapists with power tools ’til one of the victims’ sister stops the campus massacres in pretty anti-climatic fashion. A little more crime thriller than horror, this college chiller looks great and boasts a decent cast but miserably fails at creatin’ tension by buryin’ or breezin’ past pertinent details that would help me get a better grasp on who I wanna see live or get their just desserts. The exclamation mark game barely plays into the plot, relationships ‘mong characters are taken for granted, it’s never clear if anyone really deserves to be punished or not thanks to a weak backstory and ineffective set-ups, the last girl has little to no arc and ain’t even one of the killer’s targets which leaves me stupefied why he bothers hangin’ ’round for Tom and Jerry antics at the very end. Skip. Bolts to the chest, disembowelin’, hand to hand combat, man ass, guys masterbatin’ to computer porn, throat slittin’, splatter on the toilet, rando beat ’em ups, under the bed ambushes, jizz testin’, floatin’ phone graphic obstructions, snitch stalkers, interrogation drama, and indifferent reactions to supposed rape! 2/5!
INOPERABLE (2017)
I have no idea what this head scratchin’ doozie of a flick’s even ’bout, Scream Freaks. The worst Groundhog Day wannabe ever committed to celluloid, Danielle Harris is stuck in some kinda time loop and keeps relivin’ the same two moments ‘tween pointless phone calls from her Corvette and runnin’ from homicidal doctors in a hospital with a hurricane barreling down outside. How or why? It’s anybody’s guess, but the filmmakers leave me thinkin’ it could be anythin’ from the time alterin’ side effect of a quantum lab accident to a buncha imaginary bullshit metaphors in a loony’s head. My biggest gripe, however, is the criminally underdeveloped characters I don’t give two shits whether they die or not thanks to ’em bein’ as flat and root worthy as chickens runnin’ ’round with their heads cut off. Danielle looks great and acts her butt off, but I’d suggest skippin’ this waste of time otherwise. Pointless phone calls, secret numbers, some kinda family drama, throat slittin’, exposed brains, impaled feet, needle yankin’, cartoony chases, bloody operations, back carvin’, and electroshock therapy! 2/5!
INSECTICIDAL (2005)
A nubile bookworm’s science experiment grows out of hand and unleashes a CGI shitfest of big ass bugs on her sorority house of hotties. Yes, it’s low budget that’s somewhere between Syfy movie and Z-grade garbage with animated insects right out of a Beast Wars cartoon, but this sucker is full of hot babes, effective gore, gross out zingers, fun actin’, and a coherent, easy to follow story that never gives me narcolepsy. Definitely worth a watch. Pizza boys masterbatin’ in the bushes, sorority ninjas, nipple rings and chains, face eatin’ bug pods, boobs in the shower, rubdowns with severed limbs, lesbo lip action, giant spiders, giant preying mantises, giant beetles, giant scorpions, impalements, scorpions in the shower, infested infections, arms ripped from sockets, bug guts, role playin’ bitches, cannibalism, and electrified hot tubs! 4/5!
INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (2018)
Lin Shaye returns as parapsychologist Dr. Elise Rainier and literally faces ghosts from her past as her spook huntin’ crew’s called to investigate somethin’ strange at the haunted house she grew up in. Like most James Wan’s productions, this is a stellar lookin’ flick with solid actin’ that’s punctuated by flawlessly paced jump scares, but I keep bein’ distracted by the location itself. Where’s this house, why is it so haunted, and what’s the gnarly key goober have to do with any of it?? Don’t even get me started on the whole thing ’bout the men of the house lockin’ girls away in the basement, ’cause that’s somethin’ else I can’t explain to save my afterlife other than the ghost made them do it for some reason. Regardless, it’s still an entertainin’ sequel with charmin’ characters and some wild lookin’ villains right out of a funny book. Hangin’s, young’n beatin’, sixth sense drama, helpful spirits, kidnapped women in chains, ghost huntin’ mega mikes, ghost jail, red doors to the “Further,” out of body kidnappin’s and rescues, luggage of bones, awkward flirtin’ with Jell-O, light-up specs, peepin’ tom demons, Bible pile barricades, scaredy cat whistles, instant hypnosis, and ecto finger keys to folks’ screams and motor functions! 4/5!
THE INTRUDER (1975)
In this TV horror flick, the promise of gold lures a bunch of bores to an island hotel, but ‘stead of riches, they find a lurchin’ slasher wantin’ to kill ’em all to impress his vindictive crush. More snoozefest than anythin’ else, the real payoff for watchin’ this poor man’s murder mystery is the laughable kung-fu fightin’ that randomly breaks out toward the end ‘tween characters you least suspect wannabe like Bruce Lee. Almost worth it. Hairy flabs in bed, camel toe wardrobes, obvious wigs, fatal freefalls, impalement with pitchforks, lighthouse deaths, wackos overboard, circle sailin’ sea captains, punctured necks, David and Goliath battles with the Addams Family’s Lurch, inappropriate reactions, electrified kitchen death traps MacGyver’d be jealous of, deaths in the bath, and twist endin’ twins that feel like an afterthought! 2/5!
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956)
Suspicion leads to full blown paranoia as a small town doctor finds out his friends and neighbors are bein’ quietly replaced with copycat pea pods from space that transform ’em all into emotionless bein’s whose only concern is survival. The most famous of the e.t. doppelganger flicks from the 1950s, this sci-fi thriller is a nerve-rackin’ roller coaster of one fella’s valiant fight to love and be loved as he tirelessly rebels ‘gainst seemingly impossible odds. The replacement process is a little convoluted with its explanation fer what happens to the original town folk and the endin’ is too vague fer my taste, but still a solid watch with an unforgettable performance by Kevin McCarthy. Late night rescues, town conspiracies, world dominatin’ farmers, transformative slumberin’, needle stickin’ defenses, town wide manhunts, and lotta lotta lotta runnin’! 4/5!
INVASION OF THE SAUCER-MEN (1957)
After a little green space man’s turned to roadkill by horn dog teens leavin’ their favorite makeout spot, his big headed brethren frame the cruisin’ couple for one of their backroad kills and send ’em on a wild goose chase for the evidence they need to clear their names. Solely watchin’ this black and white tickler for Paul Blaisdell’s infamously designed aliens, I’m pretty disappointed at what little footage there is of these guys the filmmakers musta been pretty embarrassed by. Why else would their minute worth of scenes be blanketed in heavy shadows with ’em hidin’ behind bushes half the time? With the burden of the runtime fallin’ on the problems of the small town yokels, they ain’t too entertainin’ (save an energetic performance by Frank “Riddler ’66” Gorshin), but do offer a nice glimpse into 1950s car culture. Drunken bulls versus e.t.s, severed needle finger hands with minds of their own, teens parkin’, angry old farmers with shotguns, explodin’ UFOs, interstellar maulin’s, little green roadkills, executions by headlights, late night weddin’ plans, sci-fi storybook credits, and balloon blowin’ breathalyzer tests! 2/5!
INVASION OF THE SPACE PREACHERS (1990)
When two goofball city slickers head to the sticks for some R and R, they drive up on a crashed alien who needs their help defeatin’ an e.t. preacher plottin’ to rule the world through mind control sermons. As far as hillbilly-ploitation films go, you can do a lot worse. If your standards are as low as mine, and you don’t mind a silly sci-fi made on the cheap, then this unexpected Troma oddity of fun cine-trash might just be for you. Only thing I’ve got to bitch about is how there’s more hillbilly humor than creature feature in this flick. Hot space blondes disguised as fugly e.t.s, lasers, nude sunbathin’, hole in the wall concerts, literal houses of shit, skinny dippin’, hippie communes, geezers adoptin’ full grown midgets as little boys, head explosions, mind control, and mind warpin’ radio sermons! 3/5!
THE INVISIBLE MAN (2020)
After runnin’ away from an abusive relationship with a controllin’ scientist, Cecelia is convinced her ex-squeeze is gettin’ payback by fakin’ his death and harassin’ her in an invisible suit he built. Now, it’s a war of wits as she fights to prove he’s alive ‘fore he convinces everyone she belongs in the nuthouse. A different take on an invisible man flick that doesn’t follow the title character’s journey, this offers an entirely new kinda story told from the victim’s perspective. Despite the audience knowin’ what they’re gettin’ into from the get go, the filmmakers still manage to deliver plenty of suspenseful moments with whodunnit teases and some of the most bad ass invisible man kills I’ve seen yet. It’s not without it’s sours, however, like the non-sense logistics behind the scientist’s faked death and the lack of iconic imagery for such a universal monster. Slit throats, framed murders, kitchen fires, roofied job interviews, airborne women, young’n beatin’, macin’, car window punchin’, car wrecks, stabbin’s, fatal gunshots, bed sheet pranks, and nuthouse massacres and escapes! 4/5!
THE INVISIBLE MANIAC (1990)
A mad scientist escapes the loony bin and succeeds in his experiments to become temporarily invisible while layin’ low as a summer school science teacher. And as we all know — with great power comes the salacious need to rip clothes off teeny boppers like paper dolls and maniacally kill anyone who doesn’t like it. The horned up premise is decent ‘nough with a watchable cast, but this flick’s storyline’s just all over the place with it takin’ forever to get to the good stuff with invisible special effects that must be more expensive than they look, ’cause they’re used so sparingly. But even if the filmmakers condensed the whole openin’ backstory and deleted other unnecessary scenes, that just might mean they’d try to pad even more of the runnin’ time with a sideline character’s nightmare sequence of Goth bar flesh that lasts foreeevvveeerrr! Homicidal freak-out pummelin’, strangulation, professor massacres, boobs in the school showers, horny principles, teenage bump and grinds with boobs, boobs in the news, peepin’ tom strip acts, invisible bunnies, nuthouse escapes, invisible on invisible violence, needle pokin’, shotguns to the face, invisible ogling, invisible hall brawls, forcefed deaths, and lotta nudie girl pin-ups! 2/5!
THE INVITATION (2015)
If I learned anything, it’s you gotta be rude and offend people sometimes to survive! An ex-husband is invited to a get-together hosted by his ex-wife and her mysterious new friends, who may or may not be part of a fucked-up cult. While the rest of the party laughs at the hosts’ unclear intentions, the ex-hubby starts feeling all Final Destination and looks for every opportunity to shout, “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid!” An important message everyone should listen to when faced with questionable circumstances and masterful execution of building tension that keeps you guessing to the end how everything’s going to turn out. 4/5!
INVITATION TO HELL (1984)
When Matt’s city slicker family falls prey to a soul suckin’ country club offerin’ all the wealth and power ’80s corporate America has to offer, he’s got no choice but to infiltrate the club’s Halloween ball in an experimental space suit and literally save his wife and young’ns from hell. A TV movie by Wes Craven, this sucker has to be seen to be believed from its comically face meltin’ openin’ to its dimension jumpin’ end. A little satanic panic mixed with Stepford gaslightin’ and some Buck Rogers space action for good measure – it’s just all over the place, and we love it for that! Only sour is the devil in the details of the transaction ‘tween the club and its victims if I think too hard ’bout it. Suspicious secretaries, handheld game bashin’, stuffed bunny beat downs, piano diddies, roadkill revenge, electrocutions, trick sleeves with lasers and flamethrowers, lifeform scannin’ helmets, devilish dealin’s, Venus space missions, steamy conversion rooms, fatal finger pointin’, material greed, power trips, and interdimensional jumps into forced perspective matte paintin’s! 4/5!
ISLAND CLAWS (1980)
Giant mutated crabs are scuttling over everyone’s dead body on a small Florida island, and only a bar owner and a handful of scientists can stop it. A killer sea-life flick that surprisingly avoids a lot of Jaws references, we’re given a good script that’s successfully supported by solid acting. We’re stuck with regular crabs the majority of the movie, but the larger than life crab at the very end is truly a wonder of yesteryear’s special effects monsters. Crab crossings, red herring Hattians, mobile home chaos, pupper death scenes, old-timey saloon fishermen, pier terror, barely any blood and gore, and a crab puppet the size of an 18 wheeler! 3/5!
ISLAND ZERO (2018)
When boats stop arrivin’ at a remote island off the coast of Maine, the residents think their dwindlin’ resources are their biggest problem, but that pales in comparison to the real threat encroachin’ their shores. . . invisible squid fish who can reason! Written by the gal who penned the Rizzoli and Isles books, Tess Gerritsen’s detour from crime thrillers to monster movies is pretty damn impressive. With plenty of interestin’ characters reactin’ to believable circumstances set off by scary booger beasts from the depths, this has the feel of a Stephen King horror and should be a classic within its own sweet time. Boatloads of death, one offscreen doggie death in the first few minutes, folks disemboweled, islanders ripped in half, meaty skeleton remains, blunt flirts, blanket cocooned seniors, shot gun totin’ grannies, negotiations with fish, government conspiracies, and deer killed in infrared! 4/5!
ISLE OF THE DEAD (2016)
A forgettable military unit of soldiers who’re ’bout as excitin’ as oatmeal gets orders to snag a zombie experimentin’ doctor and his notes from a remote island scheduled for obliteration, but some walkin’ dead experiments get loose and throw a monkey wrench in the whole operation. There’s a lot of opportunities to make this Asylum produced TV flick somethin’ cool, but the filmmakers completely drop the ball with nothin’ much happenin’ other than a lotta bland zombie action with zip personality. House broken zombies, failed attempts at daddy-daughter drama, helicopter rides, roamin’ zombie packs, bullets to the head, bunch of recycled footage of Joey Lawrence lookin’ conflicted, needle injections galore, open blood gushin’ wounds, zombie transformations, zombie brawls, crater face make-up that looks like popped condoms, semi-zombie virus antidotes, skin burrowin’ bugs, and an island destroyin’ bazooka shot! 2/5!
IT (1990)
30 years after defeatin’ a young’n killin’ clown that preyed on their fears like Freddy Krueger, a gang of childhood friends reunite for the final showdown when they hear their hometown’s supernatural terror has returned from the sewers. Amazingly, this iconic TV mini-series holds up after all these years, and that’s thanks to such a timeless story about friendship and childhood fears with a compellin’ cast easily makin’ you feel the terror of bein’ harassed by a sinister clown that’s really an alien . . . or a big ass spider . . . maybe a spotlight? Hell, it’s fear incarnate or some bullshit like that, but regardless, a great flick. Sewer clowns, asthma defenses, great drain escapes, clowns in the shower, kiss and make-up tricks, whore worthy moments, imaginary annoyances, light snacks, manipulated minions, crazy escape plans, stabbin’s, dead young’ns, talkin’ skeletons, bloody balloons, library gags, misfortune cookies, slingshot silver, mutilated bodies, wife nappin’, near death therapy, rub-a-dub suicides, talkin’ heads in a fridge, haggish daddy issues, live action scrap books, bloody sinks, and wolfman disguises! 4/5!
IT (2017)
Bigger, badder, and set in the ’80s now, this remake of the popular TV movie based on Stephen King’s back breakin’ size book retells the first half of the story ’bout small town youngn’s comin’ together to fight a mysterious shape-shiftin’ clown who feasts on their fears and flesh. With remakes havin’ such a shitty track record, I didn’t expect much from this rehash, but it just blows me away with engagin’ characters, smart cinematography, and perfectly executed scares that makes this the first flick in years to actually rattle my nerves! No major changes to the essential story that makes this a timeless classic, but waaay more blood and gore that includes Georgie’s gruesome death in its entirety. Deadbolt guns, dirty dads, extreme bullies, belly carvin’, slaughterhouse deaths, unnervin’ distortions, severed arms, rocky defenses, cursin’ young’ns, stretchy limbs, bitchin’ Camaros, blood galore, face suckin’, headless Easter egg hunters, evil dopplegangers, lepers, livin’ paintin’s, teeth galore, gray water, sewer zombies, stabbin’s, vomitin’, and floatin’ youngn’s! 5/5!
IT CHAPTER TWO (2019)
The Losers’ Club is all grown-up and returns to Derry after 27 years to once again stop Pennywise the Clown from eatin’ young’ns in his toothy vagina cave. The challenge of this semi-sequel ain’t toppin’ the second half of the original TV version of It (which doesn’t take tremendous effort), but out-doin’ the re-envisioned first half from 2017 that became a runaway hit. Unfortunately – it doesn’t. The filmmakers do their best to stick to King’s original vision, give us a strong cast (that’s a little overshadowed by Bill Hader’s performance), and strike those same scary notes as the first time ’round, but it just feels like three hours of lukewarm entertainment with only two to three unnervin’ scenes at best to speak of. Pennywise simply doesn’t up his game (even as a giant CGI spider), scared adults just ain’t as compellin’ as scared children, and I’m not the biggest fan of the story here bein’ told in compartmentalized chunks as opposed to a natural flow of interweavin’ story threads. Still a movie worth watchin’, but could be better. Hall of mirrors chasin’, monster scenes lifted right out of John Carpenter’s The Thing, leper chokin’, creepy dads, underground hidey holes, flamin’ hair-dos, fat shamin’, belly carvin’, haunted houses, dragon balls, Native American rituals, chest bitin’, monster killin’ through the power of belief, heart crushin’, red balloons galore, giant Paul Bunyan attacks, tall gangly hags, face stabbin’, impalement, goo vomitin’, severed dancin’ legs, monstrous dogs, car wrecks, lotta graphic close-ups of Bill Hader vomitin’, kiddie eatin’, gay lynchin’, childhood flashbacks galore, and roofied storytellin’! 4/5!
IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)
When a colony of giant ants escape an underground military base and attack a motorcross kegger in the desert, the party’s only hope from becomin’ big ass bugs’ buffet is a dirt bike superstar and his love sick mechanic. Based on a computer game inspired by atomic monster flicks from the ’50s, this sucker’s a blast to watch. The soundtrack’s blows it out with alotta kick-ass synthesizers, the cinematography’s gorgeous, the effects are top shelf, and damn if I know how such a goofball cast of characters manage to make me care what happens to ’em. Only sour that bugs me is the low body count which is kinda lame. Dirt bike races, airborne keggers, Evel Knievel jumps, convenient expositions, lotta CGI bug brawls, cave explorin’, cocoon rescues, dirt bike tacklin’, repopulatin’ queen ants, weaponized alcohol, and explosions! 5/5!
IT CONQURED THE WORLD (1956)
A joke of a scientist makes contact with a race of teepee shaped e.t.s from Venus and is manipulated into helpin’ one of ’em come to Earth on a quest fer peace that non-surprisingly turns out to be the first phase in interplanetary takeover with emotion killin’ mind control and electromagnetic pulse attacks. More talk than monster puppet action, this Roger Corman classic is a respectable flick with competent ‘nough actin’, but the real takeaway is Beverly Garland’s unforgettable rant at the monster ‘fore chargin’ into its infamous screen debut fer the grand finale ya have to see to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! Panned as one sci-fi’s sillier lookin’ monsters, I actually like the Venusian’s bizarre shape and how dramatically different it looks from most other humanoid booger beasts. Flyin’ star critters, mind controllin’, blowtorches to the eye, and messages from deep space! 3/5!
IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2016)
Durin’ a zombie apocalypse, a coked out stripper is stranded in the Nevada desert and stays a few steps ahead of a persistent zombie she grows attached to while hikin’ it to an airport rendezvous. The story’s incredibly thin for a feature but this flick surprisingly never drags and is beautifully shot with a crisp vibrancy that makes every little nuance of the landscape pop. Only real complaint I have is how most the movie builds up this relationship between the stripper and her undead pursuer but then abandons it the last third of the flick for a separate adventure that feels like an afterthought. Sandstorms, infected bitin’, disembowelin’, rape, bloody tampon suckin’, head bashin’, crispy corpses, roadside finger surgeries, and last girls on their periods! 3/5!
IT WAITS (2005)
When a student field trip accidentally releases a nasty Native American legend from its wilderness hidey hole, the winged powerhouse does anythin’ but wait as it terrorizes a chesty alcoholic ranger it strands on the mountain. A good lookin’ creature feature all ’round, the only sours bringin’ this sucker down is its irregular switch-up of the usual storytellin’ formula with the secrets of the last girl’s past trauma revealed from the get go, and scene chewin’ folks with all the monster’s exposition shoehorned where it matters least. I’m also confused at how inconsistent the monster’s strength is when it can’t push a jeep to save itself from an explosive finale after flippin’ vehicles it ripped the engines out of the whole movie, but even more shocked at how it looks like a recycled Pumpkinhead suit with a new face and paint job! Fatal drunk drivin’ pasts, mutilated corpses, decapitated heads, siren crankin’ pranks, car wrecks, offscreen field trip massacres, yakin’ bird sidekicks, soup can alarm systems, sticks up the ass, books with all the answers that ‘mounts to a hill o’ beans, wordy know-it-alls that can’t give a straight answer, dead decoys, TNT explosions, ranger tower standoffs, leg carvin’, and bodies droppin’ from the sky! 4/5!
ITSY BITSY (2019)
A stolen tribal vase with a lotta mythical baggage is smashed in an illegal collector’s home and releases a big-ass spider that may or may not be some ancient goddess out to bite a anxiety ridden druggie mom, and her young’ns. This creature feature has a lot goin’ for it as far as production value and a compellin’ cast, but the story feels oddly constructed despite how much thought is obviously put into it. The mom has this whole tragic backstory ’bout losin’ one of her kids I think would be more effective if changed to a dead husband so the whole family can be more included in that drama, the spider gets this big build-up as a manifestation of a goddess’s wrath but does nothin’ more than any other venomous spider would, and the film has a solid beginnin’ and end but barely registers a middle section with any escalating danger or redeemin’ qualities for the flawed mom I never cared to root for. Milky bug guts, nasty lookin’ spider bites, gouged eyes, egg layin’, spider vision, car wrecks, moultin’, bullets to the head, dead cats, hidey hole attics, medicine stealin’, and webbin’ galore! 3/5!
Screaming Soup! 