Screaming Soup!

H – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

HACK-O-LANTERN aka HALLOWEEN NIGHT aka DEATH MASK (1988)

It’s Halloween night and a Satan worshippin’ pappy is ready to help his oldest son/grandson level up in his murderous barn cult so long as his law enforcement brother, horny sister, and upset mama/sister don’t bug him. Not a bad flick with competent actors, fleetin’ moments of horror gold, and a decent story, but I’ve got problems with the story’s timeline between key events, who exactly is throwin’ the big Halloween party everyone’s goin’ to, and I don’t feel like the story is structured with the right kind of tension for the twist endin’ we get. Musical pentagram, bride of Satan brandin’, garden tools through the face, skinny dippin’, brotherly cock blocks, shovels through the head, graveyard grindin’ while lockin’ hands with corpses, possessions, deadly lessons in interruptin’ cults, intense rock’n roll fantasies with wild laser eye women, stabbin’s, tight boob poppin’ corsets, street comedians, gunshots in the back, Halloween strippers, masked killers, graveyard kills, pumpkin deliveries, and hick pappys rappin’ their daughters on their weddin’ day! 3/5! 

HALLOWEEN (2018)

Old lady Laurie Strode’s spent decades preparin’ for the bogeyman’s return so she can kill ’em and finally gets her wish when Michael Myers escapes a prison transport and resumes his Halloween killin’ spree from that infamous night 40 years ago. The Halloween series gets a 2nd-3rd do over with this latest installment, dependin’ on what continuity you follow, and this timeline begs ya to forget everythin’ from Halloween 2 through Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2, includin’ Laurie Strode’s death in Halloween: Resurrection, and revisit her 40 years after the events in Halloween that’s turned her into an old agoraphobic survivalist hellbent on shootin’ Michael in the face in a new Halloween part two called Halloween. Confused yet? With all the siblin’ rivalry revealed in the original part two bein’ removed between Laurie and Michael, I like how subtle the filmmakers engineer their reunion with Laurie basically obsessin’ over Michael the way Dr. Loomis did, and outside forces literally puttin’ her in Michael’s path of destruction that’s like a shark killin’ anythin’ that moves. There’s some questionable castin’, it could stand some more memorable kills for as many as there are, and it ends a little abruptly, but this is a well made film that easily competes with past Halloween entries. Head stompin’ gore, restroom ambushes, spam head smashin’, young’n neck snappin’, hammers to the head, posed bodies, home invasions, stabbin’s, impalin’s, mannequin gun ranges, booby trapped houses, fire traps, road kill sheriffs, nutty doctors, decap-o-lantern heads, fistful of teeth, Halloween dances, and stoners made into wall decorations! 4/5! 

HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021)

An immediate follow-up to Michael Myers’ newest mulligan timeline introduced in 2018’s Halloween, the infamous bogeyman remains at large and continues ruinin’ Halloween for everyone in Haddonfield with an indifferent murder spree that gains the attention of a town wide lynch mob led by survivors of Michael’s first holiday massacre in 1978. Easily one of my least favorite sequels ‘mong the Halloween movies, Halloween Kills is just a string of ridiculous moments that feels like some teenager’s attempt at fan fiction that’s neither fun or rewatchable. The dialogue’s wildly over the top and repetitive (“Evil dies tonight!), there’s way too many folks spillin’ a buncha needless exposition, most the characters returnin’ from the ’78 flick are shoehorned in as opposed to bein’ organically introduced with an actual role to play, there’s the stupidest case of mistaken identity that drags out waaay too long in the middle, and the biggest dick slap to the mug is the anti-claimatic endin’ the movie spends its whole runnin’ time buildin’ up to. Besides an impressive digital stand-in for Loomis in flashbacks and the funny scenes of the couple livin’ in the Myers house, the only positive thing I can say ‘about this farce is it absolutely delivers what the title promises, and that’s a non-stop gore-fest of brutal deaths that’s perfect for background horror at Halloween parties. Stabbin’ galore, vigilante justice, street pizzas, fatal freefall suicides, head smashin’ galore, home invadin’, carjackin’, house infernos, firefighter massacres, axes to the face, saws to the fact, lotta broken windows, impaled faces, keep away, turkey baster injections of courage, gushin’ neck wounds, gunshots to the chest, and panicked mobs! 3/5!

HALLOWEEN AT AUNT ETHEL’S (2019)

As Halloween approaches, small town residents seems to know there’s a crackpot senior in a party shop wig butcherin’ youths for meaty fondue treats, but only a gang of horny teens are willin’ to do anythin’ ’bout it. Caught somewhere between F and Z quality filmmakin’, this flick delivers some cheap camera trick gore and satisfyin’ boob coverage with admirable amounts of humor and tension peppered in, but I don’t think it’s worth addin’ to anyone’s rotation of annual Halloween movies. Gouged eyes, eyeball suckin’, undressing boobs, boobs in the shower, bangin’ between the sheets with boobs, milf wannabes, body buddies, bodily dismemberment, young’ns in cages, evil curses, trick’r treatin’, axes to the back, bodily campfires, costume parties, peepin’ toms jerkin’ it, stabbin’s, shivved young’ns, and chocolate covered body parts! 2/5! 

HALLOWEEN PARTY (2019)

A Halloween meme is killin’ students’ with their own nightmares, and it’s up to a femme geek and a socially awkward nerd to save the campus as they trace the computer virus to ghosts of pissed off jelly kids. As much as I love this flick for its amazin’ cast and story, it unfortunately can’t stick the landin’ and falls apart in the last reel. All the established rules for who the meme kills are thrown out the window, our heroes make bafflin’ decisions like ditchin’ their runnin’ vehicle to hide in underground tunnels, and the money shots feel rushed with edits similar to how amateur short films are cut together. Even with these sours, however, it’s still worth checkin’ out, especially for Amy Groening and T. Thomason’s amazin’ screen chemistry alone. Pig people, mall maulin’s, It Follows nods, freak outs, entombed suicides, face gnawin’ with bile, bears on a plane, vagina spiders (kinda), the most helpful librarian EVER, bullyin’, ghosts in the plumbin’, blob boys, inside out freaks, grinnin’ ghouls, night vision POV, supernatural hacks, evil computer clubs, and comical geezer freak outs! 4/5! 

HAPPY DEATH DAY (2017)

It’s the horror version of Groundhoung Day as a bitchy sorority birthday girl finds herself livin’ in a deja vu loop that won’t end ’til she figures out who keeps killin’ her at the end of the repeatin’ day or ’til her chances run out with each resurrection leavin’ her weaker than before. The concept sounds comical, but the filmmakers took this seriously as a horror flick and deliver a fun take on the slasher formula full of great twists and turns and an outstandin’ performance by Jessica Rothe that leaves me wantin’ more! Stabbin’s, deaths by bong, pleasure domes, plot point cupcakes, gunfire, hangin’s, car explosions, bats to the head, drownin’s, fatal freefalls, psycho escapes, and naked strolls through campus! 5/5! 

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2U (2019)

Sorority bitch turned loveable last girl Tree is still tryin’ to escape her fatal case of Groundhog Day, and she finds out it’s thanks to a student’s science project that not only throws her in another time loop with a baby face killer, but an alternate timeline with different outcomes. Unique for bein’ the first ever sequel to a déjà vu themed movie, this flick’s every bit as fun as the first Happy Death Day, but it favors sci-fi comedy more than horror given Tree’s not the killer’s target in the alternate dimension she’s stuck in. In fact, she’s responsible for nearly all her deaths, so this really could have been called Happy Suicide Day! Fatal freefalls, stabbin’s, death by flyin’ screwdrivers, electrified head on collisions, bikini sky divin’, time travelin’ doppelgangers, Drain-O cocktails, Back to the Future references, electrified baths, woodchipper divin’, bimbos playin’ blind, and a really weird and unbelievable motive for the killer! 5/5!

HAPPY HELL NIGHT (1992)

A demonically possessed priest escapes the loony bin and beelines for a frat house’s Halloween party to crash a bunch of sexual hi-jinks and continue his murder spree of the fraternity that jokingly summoned the demon 30-somethin’ years ago. A solid example of so bad it’s good cinema, this flick hits for the fences but barrels right down the foul line with unflatterin’ wardrobes, so-so actin’, overcomplicated storytellin’, missin’ sound effects, over-dramatic cinematography, and barely ‘nough Halloween spirit. Those sours are excusable, however, thanks to a modest amount of boobs and gore keepin’ this horny college romp from ever bein’ borin’. Severed hands, nut house break-ins, absent motorcycle noises, stabbin’s, possible possessed resurrections, animated Christs fallin’ off the cross into piles of rubble, ice chisels impossibly through car roofs into noggins, boobs in the shower, candid camera sexcapades, brotherly love triangles, psych-out mannequins, portals to hell, magic circles, hammered hands, pastors hung upside down on the cross, decapitations, needles in the ass, spear gun shootin’, near fatal freefalls, nods to Carpenter’s Halloween, knock knock deaths, and Darren McGavin makes a blink of a cameo death! 3/5!

HARDCORE HENRY (2015)

It’s POV the movie as we follow a mute cyborg’s non-stop shoot ’em up romp through Moscow to save his scientist fer a wife from a telekinetic albino, and his army of super soldiers. While there’s plenty of found footage horror puttin’ us in the shoes of terrified victims, this is an interestin’ (and sometimes nauseas) take on first person shooter gameplay bein’ adapted fer the big screen in a feature that’d probably kill someone with motion sickness if watched in one of ’em 4D theme park seats with VR goggles strapped to their peepers. The story’s as thin as a princess rescuin’ video game and things get a little hectic to follow from time to time, but I like this ‘nough to wish there was a traditional cinematic version to enjoy. Airship escapes, parachutin’, sky labs, firefights galore, tanks, explosions galore, chest rippin’, heart rippin’, spare part stealin’, topless brothels, booger sugar, musical avatar clones, humna matchsticks, flamethrowers, motorcycle chases, fatal shrapnel, fatal freefalls, helicopter brawls, parkourin’, song-and-dance numbers, dislodged eyes, explodin’ heads, and folks bein’ decapitated with eyeballs! 3/5! 

HARVEST MOON (2007)

A gang of friends are suckered into visitin’ an apple orchard so famous, it only has one apple picker, and encounter Goosebumps lookin’ ghosts and mentally handicap Tor Johnson wannabes ‘fore learnin’ their blood is the secret ingredient that’ll be somehow spread ‘cross countless acres of land to bear the juiciest apples anyone’s ever tasted. Okay at best, this farmland slasher lacks a lot of tension and build-up, ’cause it fails to properly set-up a creepy legend associated with the orchard to get the fear rollin’ ‘mong a buncha so-so characters who’re waaay too distracted by Ruin My Lifetime drama after a boyfriend smacks his arm candy ’round. Doesn’t help the kills are pretty lame too. Pitchforks through chests, blood farmin’, inner noodle chitter chatter, lady smackin’ with every cliché excuse in the book for why it had to happen, apple gags, parkin’ with boobs, apple pickin’, useless spooks, new ghosts confusingly in older period clothin’, fender benders, stabbin’s, suicides, shotguns to the face, bullet swallowin’, wolf attack back stories, and torture with boobs! 3/5!

THE HATRED (2017)
A car-load of babes visit their college professor’s new rural home to babysit his young’n for the weekend and are attacked by ghosts of a murdered farm girl and her overbearin’ Nazi daddy. This could have been such a decent horror flick but epically fails ‘cause the editor goes against formula. Rather than pacin’ the ghosts’ tragic backstory with strategically placed snippets revealin’ what happened to them, their whole story is crammed in the first 20 minutes which robs the movie of any mystery to hold our interest and leaves us with a hollow bimbo fest with little to no tension. To make things worse, the endin’ ultimately feels unresolved and Andrew Divoff is criminally underutilized as a bad-ace lookin’ killer in favor of his dead daughter freakin’ everybody up which only makes partial sense. Water trough drownin’s, poisonous disputes, magic relics, sheet hangin’s, near death drownin’s, dead birds, dark and stormy nights, brainy blondes, sinister basements, dead gals in the walls, a spooky switcheroo that’s too good for this movie, and small cameos from Nightmare on Elm Street and An American Werewolf in London alums. 2/5!

HAUNT (2019)

A disposable circle-jerk of friends cap off Halloween night with a visit to an extreme haunt and find out its weirdo performers are out for more than a few screams. One of the better flicks ’bout folks really dyin’ in a haunted attraction, Haunt delivers solid entertainment with top dollar production and unforgettable killers with a thing for facial deformities but its stars lack any chemistry and could have endured more creative tortures. The worse cinematic sin, however, is the pointless build-up to the last girl’s slap-happy boyfriend arrivin’ without any satisfyin’ payoff. Halloween club scenes, party fouls, abusive relationships, carcass buckets, face peelin’ with hammers, hand crushin’, deep arm cuttin’, ineffective backstories with flashbacks, wife beatin’ daddies, sledgehammers to the face, escape rooms, hall-o-mirrors, chainsaw totin’ loons, bullets to the head, booby-trapped shotguns, facial modifications galore, facial poker brandin’, rooms full of sharp edges, sticky traps, impaled feet and hands, tricky switcheroos, infernos, home invasions, batter batter defenses, and spiders! 4/5!

THE HAUNTED CASINO (2007)

A gang of friends visit an abandoned Vegas casino one of them inherits from their dead uncle but get more than they gamble for when vengeful ghost mobsters Sid Haig and Michael Berryman gun for their very souls. This is a great Full Moon flick that reminds me of a Real Ghostbusters kind of adventure with a nice mix of characters trapped in a haunt that constantly fucks with them as shit escalates from funny to fatal. Blood floodin’ toilets, ecto-blowjobs, secret lesbo crushes, monstrous ghost transformations, dicks and limbs hacked off, treasure hunts, and hot girl photo shoots! 4/5! 

THE HAUNTED MANSION (2003)

In this failed attempt at turnin’ ‘nother Disney ride into a money makin’ franchises, Eddie Murphy plays a workaholic realtor who’s duped into bringin’ his family to a haunted mansion so a heart broken ghost can make moves on his wife he thinks will break his curse. Almost fun for the whole family, this sucker has top shelf production value out the ass but lacks alotta excitement due to how little danger anyone’s ever in. That said, the best scene has to be when Eddie and his young’ns are fightin’ their way through a buncha gnarly re-animated stiffs in an underground crypt. Outside of that, this is a pretty lukewarm comedy even rugrats might have a hard time sittin’ through. Floatin’ gypsy heads in crystal balls, head knockin’, haunted cemetery drive-bys, ghostly hitchhikers, quests for keys, reincarnated lovers, bugs galore, spider smashin’, unsmashable windows, walkin’ dead, secret passages, dancin’ spooks, and fireplace booga boos! 3/5! 

HAUNTED MAZE (2017)

It’s sometime ’round Halloween, and the cops stick a fright wig carnival clown in their tiny basement to watch the most amazin’ compilation of security footage ever assembled, hopin’ it’ll bust him for killin’ a gang of teens in a haunted house attraction. This waste of celluloid halfheartedly tries to go for some kinda Hannibal Lecter match of wits tension ‘tween the cops and their psycho in grease paint, but all they manage to produce is feature length B-roll with zero character, alotta incohesive meanderin’, and slasher who’s as scary as forgettin’ to lock yer doors at night. This flick has to be by folks who jumped at the chance to shoot a horror movie in a Halloween attraction on short notice. School house on the prairie massacre, axes to the head, flash of a clown nipple, chained and caged teenage cowgirls, mouths sewn shut, and merry go-rounds! 1/5!

HAUNTED TRAIL (2021)

There’s no mention of Halloween, but a rowdy gang of college athletes take their gals out fer a night of jump scares at the real life Madworld Haunted Attractions, and fun frights turn to legit scares as they realize one spooky performer’s actually slashin’ customers fer real on the trail. The cast’s energy is lively and infectious, and I’m all too familiar with this amazin’ attraction first hand, but this flick unfortunatley suffers from a weak script that spends more time promotin’ Madworld than threadin’ a meaningful story through the film with any steadily escalatin’ suspense. Even worse, the killer’s pretty forgettable with his simple slash and dash kills, and it doesn’t help the filmmakers missed ’bout every opportunity the settin’ offered to make him scarier. Entertainin’ overall, but this ain’t no Haunt or Hell Fest! Stabbin’ galore, head impalin’, fog filled rooms, haunted elevators and hotels, cockamany murder plots, wacky tobacky, hidin’ corpses ‘mong props, and bullets to the face! 3/5! 

THE HAUNTING OF PRESTON CASTLE (2014)

Pissing Time: The Movie is what this snooze fest should really be called! 3 teens decide to have some fun spending the night in an abandoned young’ns prison and tell ghost stories about one particular inmate who was beaten to death for the hell of it and still roams the cell blocks to this day. Doors slam, strange noises echo, fully clothed teens dry hump between the blankets, social media becomes a nuisance, CGI ghost boys pop their heads up in the backgrounds from time to time . . . and that’s it. Just looooots of aimless wandering with spooky atmospheric music putting you to sleep faster than a death sentence by lethal injection. This had a decent idea with good enough cinematography and actors but failed at telling an interesting story. 2/5!

HAUNTING OF THE MARY CELESTE (2020)

There’s a spooky legend ’bout the crew and passengers of the Mary Celeste gone mysteriously missin’ at sea, but one gal’s gonna charter a boat to some sweet spot of water to prove they really vanished in some interdimensional rift. I could not begin to care less ’bout this story. I ain’t given a good ‘nough reason to care ’bout any of the characters, there’s zero tension with non-existent threats, I don’t know if folks are dyin’ or crossin’ realities, and the lead’s drivin’ motivation behind all this is just confusin’. Self stackin’ coins, underwater hugs, hauntin’ hums from who knows where, and comatose crossovers! 2/5!

HAUNTING ON FRATERNITY ROW (2018)

Fraternity pledges are ordered to film their house’s rager of an annual luau, and it’s packed with so much partyin’ and bro drama, there’s almost no room left for the eye suckin’ shadow demon that’s escaped its secret hidey hole in the basement. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’d easily watch an entire movie based on this fun bunch of horny drunk pranksters just wantin’ a good time, but this is advertised as a horror flick, and that part doesn’t really hit the gas ’til over an hour in. It doesn’t even leave enough time for me to really understand what the rules even are for stoppin’ the demon which ends such a sweet movie on a pretty sour note. Dildo swattin’, stashed bodies, rabbit cosplay, coke snortin’, boobs (but not as much as you’d expect), blacklight dance parties, slip ‘n slides, secret tunnels, demonic traps with lamps galore, cock blockin’ CG demons, pledges in muumuus, folks flung through the air, left turn pledges, stabbin’s, and a bunch of gouged eyes! 4/5!

HAYRIDE (2012)

A psycho fugitive’s on the loose and has supposedly donned the image of local boonies legend named Pitchfork to slaughter Halloween hayriders at a family’s haunted attraction. The twist endin’s a little off-puttin’, and the camerawork steadily goes from shitty to tolerable as the movie progresses, but those shortcomin’s are easily countered by a genuinely likable cast workin’ from a script I can tell the filmmakers put some real thought into. Stabbin’s, impalin’, twist endin’s, hacked up girls, bear traps galore, flirty uncles, chainsawed drivers, car wrecks, and cop killin’s! 3/5!

HAYRIDE 2 (2015)

In this Halloween 2 wannabe, Pitchfork survives his beatin’ from the first flick and continues his fight with his hayridin’ kin at a Podunk hospital. While the first Hayride has a nice character driven script that overcomes shitty camerawork, this is the complete opposite. It looks 10x better, but the dialogue is just awful and really makes for some awkward conversations at times like the yammerin’ receptionist flirtin’ with a traumatized guy for an uncomfortable ‘mount of time like she’s ad lib filler. Sometimes the dialogue gets so confusin’, it makes me feel like I missed a whole chunk of the movie like when everyone’s lookin’ for a “little girl” Pitchfork kidnapped who’s really a full grown prego. Attention to details go a long way, y’all! Stabbin’s galore, cop killin’ galore, swat team massacres, crawl space hidey holes, impalin’, blood drenched crawlin’, house fires, car wrecks, kidnappin’s, secret family drama, effortless neck breakin’, pitchforkin’, forced flashbacks, life lessons from pop, and rabbit murder snacks! 3/5!

HE DRIVES AT NIGHT (2019)

A hack writer is forced to be an ambitious serial killer’s biographer and struggles to write a best seller from his chaotic collection of home video kills. An indie production with the feel of a three hour epic, writer/director/star Chuck Chapman proves himself a modern renaissance man of do-it-yourself cinema in this grippin’ Tom and Jerry game of wits that’s best described as When A Stranger Calls meets Groundhog Day. Teemin’ with teeth-grindin’ tension that shatters my senses, this tour de gore-fest is one you gotta see to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! Brain piercin’ flip phone tunes, hung leprechauns, roofied drinks, finger severin’, amputatin’, corner whore carvin’, multiple stabbin’s, fatal drillin’, nailgun deaths, doomed hitchhikers, funeral crashin’, peek-a-boobs in the shadows, murderously drugged hotties, blood spray galore, serial killer vision, and an original Munster pops in for an easy paycheck! 3/5! 

HEAD COUNT (2018)

College students read the wrong website for ghost stories ’round the campfire at their desert getaway and accidentally summon a shapeshiftin’ thing called a Hisji whose rules for only killin’ folks in groups of five is dumber than its name. This flick has a fightin’ chance with crisp cinematography, an engagin’ lead, and an interestin’ ‘nough premise, but it’s sunk as a monster movie ’cause the whole concept of its central monster is too loose and underdeveloped. Why only kill folks in groups of five? What lore did it come from exactly? It can talk, hug, and ride in cars like normal folks? So, after it kills everyone who called it up, it just hangs ’round to kill more folks it can trick into only bein’ groups of five ‘stead of returnin’ to wherever it came from? If it has the power to simply make everyone kill themselves, why doesn’t it just do it? Think, filmmakers, think! Symmetrical chaos decor, mind controlled suicide, bleach drinkin’, wrist slittin’, cliff jumpin’, stabbin’s, inferno sheds, wacky tobacky smokin’, and shapeshiftin’ with very little of the bug-eyed creature suit monster seen! 2/5!

HEADHUNTER (1988)

An African bogeyman is blowin’ through immigrants in a fireworks show of decapitations fer leavin’ Nigeria fer Miami, but when he finds out two silly detectives are a threat to his mission somehow, he slows his killin’ spree down fer alotta confusin’ shapeshiftin’ games that are unnecessarily drawn out when he’s already proven multiple times he can just kill ’em without any effort. This flick is a bit of a tough watch, and that’s only ’cause of its inconsistent ability to find that sweet balance ‘tween horror and comedy. While the scenes of the monster are few and far ‘tween with kills that range from seriously dark to parodies of Jaws, the majority of the runtime is spent on this straight act cop helpin’ her overly animated partner work through a comical divorce while beggin’ their boss fer more help on their ever growin’ caseload of beheadin’s. Tolerance testin’ as this is, however, my patience pays off with a monstrous chainsaw swingin’ finale that proves to be the best part of the flick. As sweet as this is, though, it’s still a little overshadowed by my burnin’ question fer why the monster has to go as far as swappin’ spit with the cop when pretendin’ to be his ex-wife? Supernatural doppelgangers, explosive swords, underwater ambushes, decapitations galore, chainsaw fightin’, severed arms, possibly severed knee caps, resurrections, shoot ’em up perps, chantin’ crowds, shamans, literal bloodbaths, and phantom shoot-outs! 2/5!

THE HEADLESS GHOST (1959)

American students go ghost huntin’ at a haunted European castle and are trapped by a resident ghost needin’ help findin’ his decapitated head for breakin’ a centuries old curse. A short flick runnin’ ’bout an hour long, this black and white oldie is more lighthearted comedy than horror, but offers some charmin’ supernatural effects that’s supported by tolerable characters. Possessed axe-swingin’ suits of armor, haunted paintin’s, spooky cats, floatin’ heads, frantic headless bodies, cartoon credits, time travelin’ feasts, slave girl floor shows, snakes, and rats! 3/5! 

HEEBIE JEEEBIES (2013)

A collapsed gold mine is re-opened after 150 years and 5 pissed off Chinese souls emerge all wadded up into one gold eating, fear farting monster wanting revenge on anyone who’ll stand still long enough. Written by Troma/Full Moon alum Trent Haaga, this is the full package of a completely developed monster film with everything you could ask for (minus boobs ’cause it’s a TV movie). Would liked to have seen done with a bigger budget for a more practical monster, but the CG booger ain’t bad, and it gives new meaning to golden showers when facing down the unforgettably entertaining Michael Badalucco as Billy Butler. 4/5!

HEIDI (2014)

A YouTube prankster finds an indestructible haunted doll in an old lady’s attic and becomes its bitch as it kills everyone and their critter off camera. While not the most original idea, I gotta give it to the filmmakers for managin’ to keep me engaged from beginnin’ to end. Even though this found footage flick comes off like a high school film project with so-so actin’, nearly zip gore, and zero boobs, I’m very impressed with its pace and escalatin’ danger that ends on a high note with some damn creepy imagery. Folks blown-up in bath tubs full of gasoline (offscreen), car wrecks (offscreen), oven-baked birds (offscreen), slit throats, a skinned dog, bunch of dead fish, online gypsy psychics, what I think is a skinned young’n on a clothes hanger, and one demonic doll sequence! 3/5! 

HELL FEST (2018)

A Halloween serial killer hides among the masked employees of a theme park size haunt called Hell Fest and singles out a girl and her friends for his homicidal ritual bystandin’ gawkers think is just part of the show. This is a sweet hooten-nanny of a flick that maxes out the Halloween atmosphere with nearly everythin’ you’ve ever seen at a haunted attraction packed into one movie. The talent is believable and entertainin’, the sets look amaze-balls, and the killer is minimal but effective thanks to thoughtful camerawork and a single hummed tune keepin’ him from bein’ a forgettable cookie cutter slasher. The only sours I find are the chase sequences gettin’ a little repetitive by the end, the friends needin’ another level of complexity to how they interact’ throughout the night, too few creative kills, and it personally bugged me the inconsistency in the park’s level of dangers and why it meant so much for the friends to make it to the Hell end of Hell Fest. Clowns, bearded ladies, big headed freaks, scary fairground rides, potty crashers, stabbin’s, robotic scares, needle rammin’ through eye sockets, gory head smashin’, tough kills with a fake guillotine, sensor activated scares, zombie actors, ax wieldin’ psychos, mannequin disguises, and Tony Todd cameos as the head honcho of Hell Fest! 4/5! 

HELL HIGH (1989)

A group of high school outsiders take a prank on their emotionally unstable teacher too far and cause her to snap with murderous intent. Kind of the darker version of Teaching Mrs. Tingle, this is a good enough script that keeps you guessing what’s going to happen next with an interesting roster of characters, but could stand to push the horror element a lot further. Attempted rapes, boob shaking, mobile interceptions, skirt yanking, slimed windows, motorcycle explosions, attempted human dissections, stunt boobs, impalements, play shacks turned love shacks, dolly issues, throat slitting, head bashing, and Mustang chases! 3/5!

HELL HOUSE LLC: DIRECTOR’S CUT DVD (2015)

In this faux Halloween documentary, a journalist is dyin’ to know what happened the infamous night all hell broke loose in the basement of a local haunted hotel attraction, claimin’ the lives of fear seekers and fear makers alike. She gets her big break when one of the haunt’s employees break their silence, bringin’ the truth behind the whole tragedy via found footage. The characters have personality, the scares are subtle but effective, there’s barely any of that pixelated bullshit when things get  lively, and the documentary portions are just as creepy as the found footage segments. Only problem I have with this whole thing is how there’s no true reveal or explanation for what happened that fateful night. The missin’ link we desperately need to make sense of the endin’ is how the haunted house gang ties into the previous satanic owner’s backstory. Livin’ dummy clowns, self playin’ pianos, peepin’ shadows, satanic basements, real eye-poppin’ effects, haunted hotel chaos, hauntin’ interviews, evil cloaks, and possible portals to hell?! Find copies of this movie at hellhousellc.com. 3/5!

HELL HOUSE LLC 2 (2018)

The busted ass hotel from the first flick is even more infamous now that the survivor of the first movie’s shared his story of that Halloween night all hell literally broke loose in the haunt’s basement, and curious trespassin’ cats are disappearin’ left and right tryin’ to explore it. With the help of a bold web show host and paranormal professionals, that one survivor runs back into the evil estate to search for answers and turns up explanations we were denied the first movie. I really have to hand it to the filmmakers for doin’ so much with so little. I can’t remember the last time someone half standin’ in a hallway was enough to give me the chills, and the actors really sell their characters as these folks you wanna see make it out alive. The Tarantino editin’ with the timeline between the found footage and TV broadcast is a little too mixed up for me, but I really can’t find any sours worth bitchin’ ’bout. Ghost girl hitch hikers, possessed clown props, walkie talkie chatter with ghosts, portals to hell, hangin’s, supernatural cat fishin’, jumpscare spooks, double dares, solo seances, and maze mansions! 4/5! 

HELL HOUSE LLC III: LAKE OF FIRE (2019)

In this rinse-repeat sequel, a mornin’ TV journalist jumps at the chance to document an interactive theater production of Faust in her town’s infamous eye-sore, the Abaddon Hotel, but has a growin’ suspicion its millionaire investor’s secretly plannin’ somethin’ unspeakable for openin’ night. Creepier than any of the Paranormal Activities, this found footage flick continues to prove just how effectively unnervin’ filmmakers can be on a non-existent budget with nothin’ but shadows and thoughtful camerawork to fuel my fear. That said, part three ain’t as scary as the last installment and is essentially a hybrid of everythin’ I already saw in the first two movies but still a solid piece of horror cinema worth checkin’ out. Clown-kissin’ dares, horrible lookin’ scar make-up, possessed mannequins, hellish basements, cameo spooks from previous films, ecto-ticklin’, eye-gougin’, theater massacres, hooded lynch mobs, great dummy clown scares, and paranormal piano tunes! 3/5! 

HELL NIGHT (1981)

Linda Blair joins some frat boys for hazing rituals that include staying all night in an abandoned manor where a super freak unknowingly roams its secret passages to fuck up intruders. This film starts off well enough but loses steam as soon as we reach the manor, becoming a lot of Tom & Jerry pissing time with very little character development or twists. Lame costumes, head torques, floor doors, impalements, surfer pillow talk, hang’n corpses, backseat hitchhikers, spiked gate climbing, onscreen decapitations, death grips, unusual ways to sit on a chair, and airborne frats. 2/5!

HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980)

Mostly comprised of alotta National Geographic stock footage, this Italian splatter flick features a team of commandos in fucked up hats fightin’ their way to the source of an island’s zombie epidemic with the help of a tag-along news crew. Nothin’ too excitin’ to watch here, but there is some memorable gore and nudity, and a commando or two do some pretty laughable things if ya stick with it long ‘nough. Ritzy cross dressin’, rescues from terrorists, kidnappin’s, zombie young’sn, disembowelin’, power plant massacres, flesh bitin’, zombie grannies, bulged out eyes, heads turned inside out, zombie teasin’, zombie matchsticks, tribal stock footage galore with some nasty nudity, animal stock footage galore, and naked white devil woman greetin’s in random make-up! 2/5! 

HELL TRIP (2018)

Dishonorably discharged for killin’ innocent civilians, two psycho marines somehow manage to get all the grown ass kids of the folks they blame for their predicament to South Africa for an exotic getaway and open season on ’em as heavily armed slashers. Not at all what I expected, this flick should’ve ixnayed the ridiculous revenge seekin’ plot and just been a creature feature that somehow ties into the booga-boo legends of the neighborin’ mountain tribe or somethin’. That would’ve been waaay more interestin’ and believable as weird as that is to admit. Exotic river encounters with blood covered locals, breakdowns, dirt strip airports, lotta stock wildlife footage, splatter showers, eye gougin’, chest carvin’, explodin’ heads galore, mauled bodies, fatal forest traps, Predator nods, kidnappin’, torturin’, impalin’, high powered shootin’, stabbin’s, and conveniently unlocked laptops with all the exposition in one simple chronologically filed folder! 2/5!

HELLBOY (2019)

In this unnecessary reboot of the first Hellboy from 2004, fans of the indie comic and the first two flicks starrin’ Ron Perlman are once ‘gain subjected to the paranormal investigator’s hellish origins with even his pops dyin’ all over ‘gain, but this time the big bad threat of Rasputin’s return is switched out for a powerful witch from King Arthur’s time who wants to usher in a new age of monsters while temptin’ Hellboy with his destiny as its D-Day overlord. With more than ‘nough new material in this flick to separate it from its predecessors, this newest movie really just needs to be a sequel with snippets of exposition to catch clueless viewers up on who and what Hellboy is. But rehashes of the origin aside, this is a fun, sharp lookin’ flick that not only keeps up the momentum of fantasy action started by the other movies but continues to expand Hellboy’s world as seen in his comics. David Harbour perfectly carries the movie as its title demon and is only hindered by a story that slaps one too many myths, legends, and quests together in addition to includin’ alotta expendable scenes and backstories that should’ve been cut. Fairy nappin’ babies, changelin’ piggies, boar men, jaw rippin’ and eatin’, human shish kabob, hellish eruptions, Merlyn’s undead corpse, witchy body part puzzles, were-jaguars, giant brawlin’, impalin’, stabbin’, shootin’, monstrous kisses, Mexican vampire wrestlin’, monstrous transformations, Rasputin, WWII Nazis, portals to hell, monsters galore, Excaliber, Baba Yaga scenes, contortionists chasin’, bone suckin’, decapitations, electric spear chuckin’, monk massacres, umbilical cord ghosts, mediums, poison twigs, folks split in half, corpse piles, and spirits of ’40s Nazi huntin’ super heroes! 4/5!

HELLHOLE (1985)

Two stories crammed into one nutty flick, this exploitation goodie is about evil suits knockin’ Judy Landers’ senseless and stickin’ her in a bimbo loony bin a mad doctor experiments on ’til she remembers where some important papers are. While this ’80s trash lacks a point of view and has competin’ tones with a willy nilly story that goes all over the place, there’s plenty of memorable moments for fans of cheap cinema that rides the fine line between raunchy skin flick and B-movie turkey. Chemical lobotomies, topless shower showdowns, boobs galore, bush, woman beatin’, spazzin’ deaths, undercover orderlies, forgetful freefalls, strangulations, nude photo shoots, banana hammock punks, nuthouse escapes, mutant crazies, Robert “Maniac Cop” Z’Dar in his first role as a whoop ass warden, mud bath threesomes, and the silliest hit man EVER committed to celluloid, Silk, the goof studded perv with bad hair who sings London Bridge while killin’ you! 3/5! 

HELLIONS (2015)

A teenage girl finds out she’s pregnant on Halloween and is terrorized by a small army of demonic costumed youngn’s wanting to carve the quickly growing baby out of her. This is a good movie, but in an experimental film kind of way with nearly the whole thing feeling like a surreal dream the girl’s running through. Bits of escalated danger here and there, characters coming and going like illusions, and loose understandings of the Hellions’ overall goal for snatching the baby. Rub-a-dub deaths, salt blasting shotguns, Robert Patrick’s funniest death committed to celluloid, deformed tentacle babies, fetus snacking, snapping into honey covered pickles, Vulcan OBGYNs, projectile eggs, decapitations, and blood moons. 3/5! 

HELLMASTER (1992)

Professor John Saxon is a twisted holy roller with a god complex who injects weak willed folk with an experimental drug that turns them into an obedient gang of murderous mutants. Unfortunately, his headquarters is beneath a college for gifted youngsters with psychic students ready to cock block his plans with the help of a vengeful reporter. This flick sounds like a wild X-Men horror, but it’s really a draggin’ snoozefest that had me fastforwardin’ through the last half hour. The story ain’t character driven, the gore’s nothin’ memorable, the edits are wonky, the mutants are unnervin’ at best, and we don’t give two shits about anybody save the reporter who at least brings some emotion and character development to this lackluster flick. Double visions, sneaky holy roller buses of death, axe weldin’ mutants, young’n mutants, mutated cripples, 3 needle injections, mutant vs mutants, crossbow injections, secret underground labs, and abandoned churches! 2/5!

HELLRAISER (2022)

A recoverin’ addict ends up with the Lament Configuration from an abandoned warehouse heist, and after it accidentally summons the Cenobites to take her brother away, she’s determined to solve the puzzle box and demand his return while unravelin’ ‘nother manipulator’s master plan. While this sucker’s promoted as a reboot, fans can really take it or leave it as a sequel if they want. None of the characters from Clive Barker’s flick from ’87 are recycled, it’s a different plot altogether, and this femme fatale version of Pinhead even goes by a different name, Hell Priest. That said, I consider this a sequel, and a return to A-grade filmmakin’ since Hellraiser: Bloodline with its top shelf budget, camerawork, sets, and effects. However, I do think the story’s a little blah, there’s not as much gore as I’d hope with all the freaky body horror the series is known fer, and this more or less continues what I’ve hated since Hellraiser: Inferno, and that’s stuffin’ the mystery back behind the curtain after so much was revealed in parts two through four. Nothin’s more annoyin’ than waitin’ fer new characters to catch up to where fans have already been fer years and ’em gettin’ just a glimpse of the crazy mythos we’re waitin’ fer some brave filmmaker to jump back into and expand on. Flyin’ skin hookin’ chains, weaponized puzzle boxes, ripped apart Cenobites, arm splittin’, orgy ragers, nerve yankin’ pulley chest systems, skin peelin’, elaborate house size Cenobite traps, dongs, and one Cenobite transformation! 3/5! 

HELLRAISER: JUDGMENT (2018)

The Cenobites take their BDSM horrors to the street and lure unsuspectin’ criminals into their clutches for disfigured judgment by a vomit slurpin’ jury, but one particular trial might just bring them hook to face with the forces of Heaven. Rather than bringin’ the Cenobites front and center like in parts one through four, the Hellraiser series continues to make them second banana to Joe Blow’s drama for figurin’ out everythin’ the audience already knows. Luckily, a better actor than the one in Hellraiser: Revelations steps up to replace Doug Bradley as Pinhead this time ’round, and he’s used sparingly to allow newer pain fetish freaks to shine like The Auditor who the story should really should have been written around. Peeled people, vomit troths, belly buster reports, blood covered boobs, disfigured ladies, chokin’ fatties, slice ‘n dice fetishes, severed hands, dogs sewn in women’s stomachs (and live!), Biblically themed serial killers, hook, line, and sentenced souls, explodin’ angels, gunfights, hooks to the face, and Heather Langenkamp barely shows her face for a blip of a cameo! 3/5!

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, PART 2 (1996)

While pickin’ up a few bucks as a shit shack handler, Henry ‘comes buds with a professional arsonist and introduces the torch to the stress relievin’ perks of murder ’til their friendship breaks bad. A completely unnecessary sequel, this flick tries its best at copycatin’ the nasty energy of the original without bein’ a total rehash, and nearly succeeds, but fails to capture that raw tenacity that kept me glued to the screen the first time ’round. Neil Giuntoli does a bang-up impression of Michael Rooker’s performance of Henry to keep things feelin’ consistent, but unfortunately, the story’s so damn depressin’, there’s zip entertainment to be had in all its forgettable doom and gloom. Awkward sex scenes with no boobs, bullet to the head suicides, emotionally disturbed girlfriends, throat slittin’, stabbin’s galore, explosions, kidnappin’, home invadin’, decapitatin’, suffocatin’ with pillows, roofied drinks, arson galore, neck snappin’, impaled noses, stranglin’ with trash bags, offscreen dismemberment, and dry humpin’ homeless shelter rape! 2/5! 

HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1970)

After naggin’ his pops Zeus fer a hall pass back to Earth, Hercules is zapped from Olympus and ends up in 20th century New York where a leech of a pretzel pusher rides his coattails as he’s swept up in awkward romances and offscreen wrasslin’ with mobster problems. A baby face Arnold Schwarzenegger flexes his actin’ chops fer the first time as this sucker’s star attraction, and after listenin’ to the original Arnie audio track, I have a much deeper appreciation for how far this action icon’s come in Hollywood. Mildly entertainin’ at best with its ’66 Batman fight scenes, corner cuttin’ copouts, and drinkin’ game potential everytime Arnold exclaims, “I’m Hercules,” or, “I have no money,” I really expected more from this cult flick I’ve heard so much ’bout, but hey — at least I get to see Arnold save Central Park from a yahoo in a sad excuse fer a bear costume! Naked men on the wing, harbor throwdowns, power sappin’ drinks, Greek gods and goddesses, all seein’ crystal balls, Donkey Kong style warehouse battles, downtown chariot chases with hot dogs, super throwin’, radio wave goodbyes, cab flippin’, deals with Hades, and a little power liftin’! 2/5!  

HEREDITARY (2018)

After Toni Collette’s mama dies, subtle supernatural forces unravel her Lifetime family as they unknowingly play a part in a cult’s efforts to call up a king of hell. A slow burn of an emotionally charged flick, the scenes of horror are few and far between, but I’ll be damned if it ain’t some of the creepiest punches to the psyche I couldn’t shake for a few days. Not to mention Toni blowin’ me away with her performance as a tickin’ stress bomb with Gabriel Byrne perfectly counterin’ her explosive talent with silent emotin’ that speaks volumes. Highways or dieways, decapitations, self-beheadin’s, possible ghost dongs, headless worshipers, seances, possessions, nightmare sequences, creepy mannequin idols, treehouses of horror, dead dogs off camera, cuttin’ dead birds’ heads off with scissors, fucked up PSAs for peanut allergies, floatin’ bodies, scary attics, human matchsticks, demolition dioramas, extreme head bangin’, ghost grannies, possessed wall and ceilin’ crawlin’, Paimon cults! 4/5! 

HE’S OUT THERE (2018)

After years of squattin’ in a family’s remote vacation home in silence, a masked psycho decides to taunt and kill the homeowners durin’ their latest stay in the mountains and hack them up for pieces he needs to flesh out his family of wooden dummies. A pretty intense “what-would-I-do?” kinda horror, the cast of victims do an excellent job bringin’ their A game for bein’ scared shitless, but unfortunately their performance is wasted on some grossly undeveloped characters who are easily summed up as a couple of cryin’ kids and a protective mom. At least the killer’s memorable. Eye gougin’, poisoned young’ns, suspicious tea parties in the woods, red yarn galore, masked ax swingin’ slashers, wooden dummy scares, window smashin’, scary eggin’ tactics, sabotaged rides, stabbin’, axes to the back, severed arms, heavy story book metaphors, hangin’s, cell phone tricks, and vomittin’! 3/5! 

HEX (2017)

If you’re lookin’ for horrific period piece full of nerve shreddin’ Tom and Jerry tension set against a forebodin’ backdrop of hauntin’ eeriness, than partner, this ain’t it. A soldier from each side of the English Civil War is all that’s left standin’ after a brutal battle, and the dynamic duo of silence feel compelled to put their differences aside to hunt a semi-harmless witch they think is keepin’ them stuck in the forest. Aside from some pretty scenery and a handful of impressive costumes, the sours outweigh the sweets in this snoozefest thanks to a paper thin plot, ‘nough silence to contend with A Quiet Place, unconvincin’ stage fights, lackluster tension that tries its hardest to capture the same vibe as The Witch, a villain whose threat feels non-existent, and heroes who come off like bullyin’ heretics slaughterin’ a helpless woman by the end! 2/5!

THE HIDDEN (1987)

An obnoxious dick slug from outer space who loves loud music and fast cars is takin’ joyrides in folks’ bodies for killin’ sprees, and Earth’s only hope for stoppin’ him is his e.t. rival partnered with an LA cop. This fast paced flick is an awesome blend of sci-fi action dressed as a cop drama with blips of body hoppin’ horror. A lot like an early prototype of a MIB film with Kyle Maclachlan’s first stab at an FBI agent pre-Twin Peaks, the scenes of the body thievin’ alien fuckin’ shit up for the hell of it are hilarious, the soundtrack rocks as hard as Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2‘s, and the shoot ’em up action never gets old. Mouth to mouth parasite puppets, possessed dogs, possessed strippers, dollar bill G-strings, fatal make-out sessions, political assassinations, flamethrowers, axes to the dick, inhuman matchsticks, ray guns, car chases, car wrecks, shoot ’em up action galore, explosions, police station massacres, bank massacres, shopliftin’, coked out car sales, carjackin’, dine and dashes, gunshot wounds galore, healin’/body hoppin’ breaths of light, and some of the most covered up strippin’ I’ve ever seen! 5/5!

THE HIDDEN 2 (1993)

Turns out the criminal space slug from the first flick survived its execution by either clonin’ itself or spawnin’ creepy crawly young’ns with its memories, and after years of hibernation, it finally finds an opportunity to rinse repeat the same body hoppin’ antics as ‘fore with a new Jerry Seinfeld lookin’ space cop tryin’ to kill it. While The Hidden was fun fast paced violence with likable characters, its sequel is a sad imitation with ho-hum action, lame payoffs, borin’ runarounds, and leadin’ love interests who’re ’bout as engagin’ as raisin oatmeal no matter how much screen time’s devoted to developin’ their relationship. Nearly a third of the movie’s recycled footage from the first, and I endin’ up watchin’ the last 45 minutes on fast forward without missin’ a beat what’s happenin’. ’nuff said! Inconsistent agin’ rates for body jackin’ e.t.s, mouths full of puppet effects, The Thing-wannabe dog effects, explodin’ e.t. eggs, street brawlin’, gunshots to the gut, car jackin’, restroom brawlin’, sandwich stealin’, boombox jackin’, e.t. lovemakin’, dumb jump scare endin’s, e.t. balls of energy, oral light shows, teeth brushin’ lessons, break-ins, finger cuttin’, rave clubs that don’t play into the plot ‘nough, dance floor bangin’, and impalement! 2/5!

HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988)

High schoolers celebrate their graduation secretly partying with mannequins in one of their parent’s three story furniture stores, unaware there’s a clothes snatching cross dresser killing them off during a game of hide and seek. This starts off well enough with the soundtrack and teens, but spirals all over the place once they arrive at the furniture store, constantly jumping back and forth from sex romping to playing games to finally realizing there’s a killer out to gut them. Still better than I ever expected, but needs a lot of work on escalating the danger and keeping the story on a steadier course of action. Drowning in sinks, mannequin arm hurling, uncaged heat, new haircuts, the most secured furniture store ever, hot naked blondes captive on elevators, elevator beheadings, fatal art deco, nipple slicing, and prison lover’s quarrel. 3/5!

HIDEOUS! (1997)

Rich cat collectors of genetic oddities go head to head in a locked down castle for the freak of their dreams who has the power to animate the rest of their nightmarish collection of pickled pretties. If you need something different from teenage slashers and commando monster brawls, this is it! The story’s unique, the characters are anything but boring, there’s humor with genuinely creepy moments, and the castle set is great. Sewage fishin’, topless robberies in guerilla masks, trap doors, acid baths, little monsters, blonde bimbos with catch phrases, monsters sucking nipples, booby traps, private detectives, plucking needles out of women’s asses, fatal freefalls, and sword fights! 4/5!

THE HOARD (2018)

In this horror comedy, a reality TV show ’bout hoarders livin’ in haunted houses faces its biggest challenge yet as its wacko team of renovators, spook chasers, and fraud psychologists work to help a small town reform its biggest hoarder, a geezer who owns not one but three mansions crammed with dead folks’ belongings. With only three days to do the impossible, things don’t get any easier when a fourth property is discovered, hoardin’ undead secrets that wanna bury ’em all. Claws down, this is an entertainin’ flick, no question. The filmmakers successfully make me feel like I’m watchin’ somethin’ that coulda been a legit reality show and the cast is a great mix of engagin’ characters who bring somethin’ for me to love or hate. The Hoard suffers from one major sour, however, and that’s overshadowin’ its horror with all the reality show shenanigans, packin’ all the scares and gore in the final 15 minutes. Head stompin’, possessions, shopliftin’, bodies in the basement, flesh chompin’, zombies, flirtin’ homos with a toothpick, open mouth shit falls, chairs galore, fatal freefall cops fired outta windows into dumpsters, head bashin’, axes to the back, shotgun blasts to the chest, explosions, pawnin’, meat yankin’ squatters in the tub, black light splooge, skin tearin’ bed sores, evil incantations, and one of the most likeable geezers you’ll ever watch! 3/5! 

THE HOARDER (2015)

A chick goes huntin’ for a diary in her fiance’s storage unit for reasons that’re unimportant to the plot and ends up trapped in the underground facility with a handful of nobodies bein’ chased by some nut hellbent on makin’ ’em permanent residents who suck liquid meals like hamsters through stapled lips. All the sours in this flick can be pinned on its failure to properly develop believable characters worth carin’ ’bout. Every interestin’ yahoo with any screen presence is takin’ out too soon, the supposed cop’s presence is never explained, the lead chick’s slightly confusin’ quest for the diary ‘mounts to jack shit and results in a forced endin’ with her fiance that’s just stupid, and the villain makes absolutely no sense. Why does he feel compelled to capture and care for every rando that stumbles in from the street? Wouldn’t someone like this be more selective with a type he goes after? Throat slittin’, lip stapplin’, kidnappin’ galore, teeth removal with a chisel, stabbin’, storage unit squatters, elevator escapes, and accidental shootin’s! 2/5! 

HOAX (2019)

A disgraced TV producer tries salvagin’ his career with a ‘squatch huntin’ reality show, but his cast of dollar-bin Congo knock-offs are anythin’ but prepared and get their asses handed to ’em without a lot of effort on Big Foot’s part. This thing starts off with a lot of promisin’ set-up with its isolated scenario and mix of likable characters but completely falls apart after draggin’ its fat hairy feet through an abundance of fiddle fartin’ scenes that fail to move the story forward much less build tension. Before I know it, there’s unrevealed motives behind the show’s production that never comes out, confusin’ character triggers I don’t understand like the producer and his missin’ meds, and a surprise twist with Big Foot cosplayin’ killbillies that comes out of nowhere in the worst way with an even weaker pay-off. Nasty ankle breaks, bear traps, dog deaths, ATV wrecks, backwood cannibals, heavy hittin’ artillery, throat rippin’, slow-dancin’ corpses, electric knife skinnin’, sizzlin’ flesh, hag bashin’, hot grease facial, stabbin’s, head bashin’, caves decorated with intestines, and Adrienne Barbeau plays with chimps for a quick buck! 2/5!

HOCUS POCUS (1993)

The new virgin in town spends Halloween night dickin’ around a museum of witchcraft, and he accidentally resurrects a trio of cartoony broom straddlers hungerin’ for youths. With the help of his high school crush, yappy sister, and a immortal talkin’ cat, he’s now gotta skip trick or treatin’ to stop this magical mistake before they eat the neighborhood young’ns and terrorize the town forever. I always assumed this Disney flick would be too kid friendly silly for my idea of scary fun, but it’s actually a top notch production full of subtle adult humor, solid actin’, practical creatures and effects, and packed with more Halloween spirit than any Myers flick! Only sour I can find is its bumpy resolution that makes it feel like the movie ends two to three times before it finally does. Despite that, it’s still an unexpected treat that’s better late than never to enjoy. Magic peeper spell books, black candle magic, teens turned to undyin’ cats, roadkill, magic zappin’, possessed costume dance parties, one musical number courtesy of Bette Midler, one sexy broom number by Sarah Jessica Parker, bullies in cages, sneaker stealin’, witch museums, cemetery chases, soul suckin’ spells, magic potions, kiln witch traps, devil dancin’, fears of the 20th century, seduced army of young’ns, explodin’ witches, decapitations, hags turned to stone, trick or treatin’, reunited souls, and Doug Jones plays a heart broken zombie assassin! 4/5! 

HOCUS POCUS 2 (2022)

Teen witch wannabes are tricked into resurrectin’ the Sanderson sisters from beyond the grave Halloween night, and now they’ve gotta stop Salem’s most infamous spellcasters from gatherin’ all the ingredients they need to concoct a powerful spell that rids ’em of all their weaknesses. Fer a cult flick that steadily grew its fan base fer three decades, this is every bit the fun follow-up fans could hope fer. The OG cast returns to play the Sandersons with Doug Jones back as their zombified boy toy, Billy Butcherson, new characters prove to be tolerably entertainin’, and the mythos is expanded while the story treads familiar grounds without bein’ too repetitive of the first movie (which was practically yesterday for the Sandersons, don’t forget). There’s some sing-song moments that feel a bit forced, the heroes are a little forgettable, and I’d pick the original Hocus Pocus as my favorite outta the two, but still, this is a top shelf sequel with filmmakers who obviously respect the material. Beauty make-up snackin’, flyin’ Swiffers and Roombas, flash mob search parties, ironic costume contests, candy apple envy, protective salt circles, colony backstories, decapitations, livin’ spellbooks, major endorsements from Walgreens, lightnin’ fingers, glitter dissolvin’ witches, entrapment curses, transformation into critters, and grave diggin’! 4/5! 

HOLIDAY HELL (2019)

Easily stealin’ the spotlight in this holiday themed anthology, Jeffrey Combs plays a macabre shopkeeper who hard sells a last-minute Christmas shopper with horrific tales behind Ripley’s Believe It or Not trash he’s shed blood to collect, spinnin’ ‘nough yarn for four tales ’bout secret sister slashers, killer rabbi dolls, drug fueled Santas, and witchy rituals. This is some decent Yuletide terror but far from a Christmas classic I’d be eager to dig out every year. It would help if there was a more memorable villain or scene for me to latch onto (Jeffrey Combs not withstandin’), but half the threats in here ain’t original ‘nough, and the stories either get muddled in their details or end anti-climatically. Head smashin’, stabbin’, human matchsticks, covens, lynch mobs, resurrection spells, blood rituals, cheatin’ wives, booger sugar off bare breasts, experimental drugs, pissin’ in bars, back alley bat beatin’s, crooked babysitters, cult babies, and family vengeance! 3/5!

HOLIDAYS (2016)

Christian and Pagan religions are mish-mashed together in this anthology of scary shorts, spotlighting holidays like Valentines, St. Patricks, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve with different directors behind each. Coaches let students torture each other, a giant snake joins a conga line, the Easter Bunny makes you afraid of Jesus, an overweight hag dances naked, we’re reminded of obsolete tape decks, Kevin Smith directs his daughter playing a whore, Seth Green stops playing with his dolls long enough to act, and we’re given another con for online dating. Our favorite picks in this indy film festival experience are Easter, Father’s Day, and New Year’s Eve. 3/5!

HOLLOWS GROVE (2014)

Bogus reality show ghost hunters visit a haunted orphanage and – you guessed it- finally find evidence of ghosts as they’re tripped and flung around by young’n apparitions who like to sling cats into the walls. Better than most found-footage horrors, this film defiantly offers characters with a lot of personality and drops them into an amazing setting, but the story was a little too simple and the filmmakers didn’t deliver on certain things they’d set up like the express chute for dead bodies to the basement the survivors never escape down. Falling glass, women battering rams, creepy dolls, possessions, ecto-traps, Lance Henriksen’s ass, throat slitting, gangs of ghost young’ns, and 1 scary ass ghost. 4/5!

HOLLYWOOD’S NEW BLOOD (1988)

One of the dumbest movies anyone’s ever wasted time on, this excuse of a mess is about a Hollywood film production accidentally blowing up some hicks during a stunt, leaving them to haunt their rural land as sorry ass zombies whenever Hollywood types come around like a class of wannabe actors who show up years later. With only 1-2 so bad it’s good moments (like a guy feeling the need to point out he recognizes an obvious human skull from an animal’s), this poorly pieced together work of shit will leave you with fewer brain cells for sure. Bad acting, poor script, repetitive edits, nature B-roll galore, shit fight/struggle choreography, abridged replay of the whole movie at the end, and I bet it would have been more entertaining to watch the composer put together the score for this heap of film school rejection! 1/5!

HOLOGRAM MAN (1995)

In the near future, criminals are imprisoned in digitized states to be reformed fer as long as it takes but a roid ragin’ terrorist manages to bust outta computer jail and send the cops in a mad scramble to stop his quest for America’s return to democracy as an indestructible hologram in a powerful rubber suit. A bit of a Demolition Man knock-off, this sci-fightin’ action flick has a respectable ‘nough production value from recognizable actors to big set pieces and action sequences but suffers from poor pacin’ and shameful lack of character development for its hero cop performed by TV Tarzan, Joe Lara. Not bad fer a direct to video shoot ’em up with modest special effects, but a perfect example of a flick that missed the mark just ‘nough to fall short of somethin’ special. Explosions galore, bus jackin’, gunfire executions, flamethrowers, power overloads, mold press machines fer evil, confusin’ sex scenes with holograms, computer hackin’, political overthrows, future cars that look like soap box derby projects, electrical blastin’, hologram on hologram violence, bank robberies, cop killin’, and ridiculously easy VR target practices! 3/5!

HOME (2016)

A holy rollin’ teenager drops by her mama’s new blended family’s home for a few days and is stuck babysitting her little stepsister while the rumored ghost of the neighborhood is after ’em.  An overall decent Ruin My Lifetime kinda flick, the biggest sour that sinks this story for me is all the time it spends buildin’ up this step family’s house bein’ haunted by the previous owner, just to discard it all by the time the credits roll ‘cept as an explanation  for the twist endin’ that’s so unexpected, it’s not as effective as the filmmakers were probably hopin’. One nice jumpscare shot at the very end, though. Fatal freefalls, ghosts, judgmental lesbos, awkward neighbors, unicorn sightin’s, kitchen seances, creepy red herrin’ dolls, self hangin’ portraits, airborne young’ns, and bloody hints from beyond the grave! 3/5! 

HOME WITH A VIEW OF THE MONSTER (2019)

Told in a Pulp Fiction kinda narrative, this painfully indie flick is anythin’ but horror. An almost unconvincin’ couple rent out their harmlessly haunted house for the weekend, and when they cut their romp in the woods short, they come back to find a semi-interestin’ hitman tyin’ up loose ends to murderin’ a loony tunes chick. Aside from the decent to so-so actin’ and somewhat pretentious editin’, the biggest sour I can’t forgive is how the filmmakers completely fail to deliver on the monster/ghost/floodlight/whatever they promise in the title that sends paranormal investigators packin’. It’s never explained, explored, and barely plays into the movie save for one lame payoff that didn’t make the most sense. Waste of time. Possessed murder prep, distorted shadow ghosts, OD cocktails, dead birds in the garbage disposal, home invasions, dead daughter drama, and brain storm mantras galore! 2/5! 

HOME SWEET HOME (1981)

A caveman grunting muscle head on PCP goes on a killing spree after escaping the mental hospital, and one unlucky family crosses his path while trying to eat Thanksgiving turkey and get laid. A crazy enough concept to get you hooked, but this often praised holiday horror really falls flat with an unimaginative slasher, so-so interesting characters, it doesn’t feel enough like Thanksgiving, and the most memorable part of the whole movie is a magical rock’n roll mime with a speaker strapped to his back. Strangulation, stabbings, Hispanic sing-a-longs, speeding cleavage, peas as the star dish, grannies have the right of way to die, magical balls, turkey snatching young’ns, deaths under the hood, and 1 cool electrocution! 2/5!

HONEYMOON (2014)

A newly wed couple head straight to a cabin in the woods for some secluded banging, but alien rape interrupts the special occasion and puts their marriage to the ultimate test. I was hesitant at first to watch this, but it’s better than I expected with convincing chemistry between the actors along with the film perfectly creating a level of tension that’ll have you yelling at the screen for what you think should happen next. Games of hide and drown, French toast is ruined, lots of bloody shorts, frustrating levels of communication, vagina tentacles, sickly transformations, open ended extraterrestrial questions, and not one shot of a damn alien! 3/5! 

HONEYSPIDER (2014)

It’s 1989, and a college chick spends her birthday/Halloween workin’ the concession stand at the movie theater, never suspectin’ Satanic pervs are waitin’ to stuff her mouth full of honey dipped spiders for some bullshit ritual. This cheap flick captures a great Halloween atmosphere surroundin’ a really cool theater but is ultimately a waste of time thanks to its half-ass story and the filmmakers’ inability to tell it. No suspense or tension, the sound is awful, no real resolution, most the movie is pissed away with aimless wanderin’ or watchin’ a fake horror film play in the theater, and no scene successfully shows off the duplicate Michael Myers house part of this was shot at in North Carolina. Skip! 2/5! 

THE HORRIBLE DOCTOR BONES (2000)

An up and comin’ band is duped into a record deal that’s really a cover for a power hungry voodoo doctor to control the livin’ through their jams. While the cinematography and effects aren’t the greatest, this Full Moon flick is still a great idea with likeable characters but could have pushed the voodoo hoodoo dangers a lot further and had the hero figure out what was goin’ on a lot sooner. Explodin’ heads, decayin’ help, voodoo zombie servants, mini-jam sessions, heart rippin’, fistfuls of cardiac arrest, literal plot lines, dream walkin’, bulgin’ flesh, glowin’ canes, and heart throb museums! 3/5! 

HORROR HIGH aka TARDY TERROR (2020)

A principle is fed-up with students not gettin’ to class fast ‘nough and builds some kinda doomsday doodad that accidentally transforms him into a monstrous hall monitor who can brainwash every adult in town while he snatches K-12 students who ain’t in class after the tardy bell rings. When the new kid in town refuses to accept this as the norm, he rallies a gang of arcade rats to help him end the principle’s stranglehold over the community. Ignorin’ the novelty this flick was impressively made by high schoolers, this story makes absolutely no sense. Skippin’ the obvious questions like the principle’s nonsense backstory, if every student’s terrified of a booger gunnin’ fer ’em in the halls, why’s everyone drag ass to to class and wait ’til the last sec to run in a panic? Better yet, why do they even bother goin’ to a school infested with monsters at all?! If all the adults are couch potato zombies, why doesn’t this town resemble Children of the Corn more with young’ns doin’ whatever they want without fear of the law? Terrific achievement in student filmmakin’ but a frustratin’ watch. Mesmerizin’ lightshows, explodin’ pizza parlors, school dances, student on student beat downs, underground labyrinths, impaled legs, and disembowelin’! 2/5!

HORROR IN THE HIGH DESERT (2021)

Found footage horror presented as a documentary, a handful of folks painfully drag their feet spillin’ the beans on a missin’ survivalist they learn was really the victim of a deformed hermit in the mountains he sought out for his video blog. Decent filmmakin’ with a believable cast of narrators dishin’ the blow by blow on the fella’s disappearance, this flick really takes its time to escalate what little tension there is for a last minute payoff that just ain’t worth the wait. And where the hell’s the desert? Gift bags with severed hands, drone footage galore, laughable ignorance, toy train enthusiasts, night vision games of cat and mouse! 2/5! 

HORRORVISION (2001)

A leather pants wearin’ writer is caught up in a techno uprisin’ after killer machines nab his Goth girlfriend through the computer and compress her into a CD. Only with the help of a mysterious Obi-Wan wannabe can he hopefully save her and outrun technology in the desert. This cyber punk horror is admirable as an ambitious Full Moon flick with heavy influences from The Matrix, but its characters and story suffer from a weak script, and lack of a set design makes the “edgy” characters look like a bunch of cosplay assholes runnin’ around downtown L.A. The killer robots are goofy, but they’re the one cool thing that convinces you to watch this thing. Spastic cords and wires, dirty pictures, wifi travelin’ bug ball bots, suspended cyborgs, CD pressed ladies, robot assassins, Star Wars nods, Matrix nods, Brinke Stevens cameos long enough to die, and pissin’ time car rides are an excuse to promote entire songs and stretch this flick’s runnin’ times! 2/5! 

HOSPITAL MASSACRE aka X-RAY (1981)

While gettin’ a routine check-up at the hospital, Barbi Benton doesn’t recognize one of the doctors is her childhood admirer who turned her play date crush into a coat 19 years ago, and he easily manipulates her into humiliatin’ tests by the regular doctors for a bogus case of bad news no one wants talk ’bout, while he slashes through the staff for whatever reason. I don’t know if it’s a sign of the times or what, but I find it hard to believe Barbi would let the hospital manhandle her naked and book her a room for days on end without so much as an explanation. I mean, not even the audience is clued in to whatever the doctors think is wrong with her, and it just adds to the claustrophobic frustration this movie incites with everyone closin’ in on a perfectly sane and helpless person for all the wrong reasons. On ‘nother note, this is supposed to be a Valentine’s Day horror, but it’s more decoration than anythin’ that really plays into the story. Gift wrapped heads, young’ns impaled on coat hangers, stabbin’ galore, deaths by bone saws, stiffs stuffed in lockers, lethal injections, close-up needle stabbin’, tragic Valentine’s Day backstories, human match sticks, topless physicals, three ol’ bats outta Macbeth of somethin’, acid facials, extreme cake cuttin’, rooms full of mummies, and hatchets to the back of the head! 3/5!

HOST (2020)

A gang of friends don’t take a seance over Zoom seriously ‘nough and accidentally invite a demonic force into each of their homes that just wants to fuck their shit up. Barely feature length, this Covid age horror tries tappin’ into the same digital terror as the Unfriended series but falls short due to its scattered build-up and disregard for paranormal rules like the evil attackin’ folks who really have nothin’ to do with its summonin’ toward the end. And while it defeats the point of the movie, doesn’t it make more sense these gals would shut the computer off if they thought some booga boo was tryin’ to get ’em through it? Flyin’ bottles to the head, freefallin’ corpses, human matchsticks, heavily foreshadowed music boxes, head slammin’, hangin’ feet, laugh out loud filters, invisible man scares, jump scares deliveries, and flyin’ chairs! 3/5!

HOT SPANKING ROD (2018)

Direct from Krampus’s homeland, this artsy fartsy flick features a gang of cosplayin’ yahoos catchin’ and releasin’ a bunch of dirty mouth beauties for repetitive spankin’s, and that’s ’bout all I can understand among all the weird Euro antics played for laughs. This is actually an 11 part series, but if ya binge it all at once, it’s feature length and will either give ya a good laugh watchin’ ladies try to keep a straight face while wooly boogers whip their bottoms or leave ya at a complete loss for what’s exactly happenin’ story wise. Somethin’ ’bout range shootin’ friends feudin’ over the same ass while the town dances with the very creatures they jeer on Krampus night? I dunno . . . I still can’t figure out why there’s a pumpkin smashin’ muscleman threaded throughout the whole thing! Kidnappin’, women in cages, whippin’, women in trunks, Krampus employed tractor drivers, Krampus dance parties, melodramatic fireworks, repetitive music and sound effects, and poor edits galore! 2/5!

HOUSE OF DARKNESS (2022)

Justin Long gives a mysterious gal a lift home to her remote castle with hopes fer gettin’ laid, and after an hour and a half of awkward chit chat in a handful of rooms, she sucks him dry as the obvious vampire I pegged her fer from the start. After such an amazin’ track record of horror flicks Justin’s acted in, he finally landed himself a turkey. Labeled a horror/comedy, I expected some terrifyin’ suspense filled game of deceivin’ appearances alleviated by witty dialogue, but this is just a buncha unlikable nobodies rattlin’ on ’bout nothin’ significant like a tolerance testin’ stage play. I at least expected Justin’s death to be some kinda graphically excitin’ bloodbath of a payoff, but even that’s disappointin’ with effects executed in a manner I’ve seen a thousand times ‘fore in a vampire flick. Just skip this. You’ll be glad you did. Drunken nightmares with snapped ankles, flesh rippin’, blood gushin’, ghost stories, and cock blocked blowjobs! 2/5!

HOUSE OF FEARS (2007)

A gang of friends are excited to get a sneak peek of their town’s newest haunted house attraction but get more than they bargain for when a cursed relic among the owner’s collection of oddities literally brings them face to face with their darkest fears. While this is a really good haunted house flick with entertainin’ characters and a nice line-up of monsters after them, it watches like a long-winded episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a sad lack of tension that keeps it from feelin’ as epic as it should be. You’ll find this on lists for horrors movies that happen durin’ the Halloween season, but I don’t think anyone in the movie even mentions the holiday. Sand traps, claustrophobic coffins, killer clowns, nosferatus, slashin’ mannequins, possessed dogs, electrocutions, chases through halls of mirrors, throat slittin’, killer scarecrows, power tool defenses, step-sister drama, and Jared Padalecki makes a split second cameo! 3/5! 

HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN 1997 (1997)

In this ’90s monster mash, an LA cop’s got his hands full when a bloodsuckin’ fat cat wants to seduce his new werewolf for a girlfriend and wrangle in the recently resurrected Frankenstein monster to be the centerpiece at his night club, House of Frankenstein. For a three hour TV movie, this ain’t half bad. The actin’s pretty good, the story’s fairly entertainin’, and the special effects are cool . . . It’s a notch or two ‘bove yer average Syfy original but nothin’ phenomenal ‘nough to warrent much higher praise than that. Thawed revivals, Antarctic search parties, monstrous blood transfusion reversals, intermonster romances, armies of the dead, fatal freefalls, monstrous transformations, friendly hobos, green screen flyin’ effects, monster brawlin’, age ol’ grudges, and werewolf attacks! 3/5! 

HOUSE OF HORRORS: GATES OF HELL (2012)

A haunted house attraction in New York randomly becomes ground zero for the gates of hell to open, and only a half-hearted psychic can stop it with the help of haunted house helpers and a priest turned strip club owner. This is a valiant effort of a little horror flick goin’ for a big idea on a small budget with a decent plot and respectable effects, but the story’s structure and escalation was just a trainwreck due to the filmmakers failin’ to anchor the story to one character’s perspective. Haunted house props and gags galore, cougars gropin’ shorties, human torches, flamin’ fire pits, naughty nun strippers, demonic P.O.V.s, possessions, death by cattle prods, masked clown slashers, sliced to death over the toilet, flamin’ crucifications, airborne handi-men, found footage horror, green screen demons, bullet eatin’ suicides, pissin’ time through the woods, book seminars, confusin’ cabin crones, and dumbfounded timelines for a haunted house schedule! 2/5!

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983)

Some sorority girls take a prank too far on their hag of a house mother and accidentally shoot her face down in their pond-scum pool outback. Covering their murder while throwing a graduation party, the girls learn the old bat had a mentally ill son hidden in the attic who goes all Friday the 13th on them, avenging his mama. A high end piece of ’80s slasher cinema, this film excels at pretty girls, funny moments, gory deaths, plot twists, and a rockin’ soundtrack complemented by a classy score. Sea pigs, decapitated heads in the toilet, trippy tranqs, clown disguises, throat slitting, cane bashing, splish splash cock blocking, college parties, and desperate doctors! 4/5!

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT (2014)

A gang of fear seekers are documentin’ the scariest haunted attractions in America for the Halloween season, and they hear the Blue Skeleton is the most extreme underground experience they can possibly ask for. After makin’ the haunted house rounds for 3/4 the movie, the Blue Skeleton finally abducts them the last few minutes and (SPOILER ALERT!) buries them alive, the end. I expected this flick to be more like Rob Zombie’s 31 with characters fightin’ their way out of a haunted house the majority of the time and am pretty pissed how it’s waaay more focused on just bein’ a lot of found footage tours through Halloween attractions with bare minimum tension. Great characters and a couple of unforgettable clowns and doll girls, but the story is criminally unbalanced with a payoff that leaves me feelin’ cheated of an extreme experience the filmmakers promised! 2/5!

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (2017)

So, the cops rescue the gang of fear seekers from their freshly dug graves from the last flick, and leaked footage of their near death experience turns them into internet sensations. Cashin’ in on their popularity, they continue visitin’ and promotin’ safer haunted attractions the followin’ Halloween, but the Blue Skeleton shanghais them again for another extreme encounter. What I thought was gonna be the film I was hopin’ for last time turns out to be the same ol’ shit all over again. 3/4 the movie is spent tourin’ haunted hayrides, zombie runs, and redneck hellholes. The Blue Skeleton stuff is saved for the end of the movie, and that little bit of tension is completely shot to shit with the reveal (SPOILER ALERT!) it’s always been a set-up since the first flick to genuinely scare one of the fear seekers for Blue Skeleton’s promos. Again, the characters are great and the creepy doll girl is back, but I hate the story and its twists so much! This series should have just been fun documentaries of real Halloween haunts which would be enjoyable without all the slasher bullshit added in! 2/5!

HOUSESITTERS (2017)

Two Z-grade gals invite folks to get high and watch a box of porn while housesittin’ a fancy home, never suspectin’ a semi-evil entity in the basement is lookin’ for a new flesh suit while his sock puppet critter runs ’round killin’ folks. Not a lot to say ’bout this homemade flick other than it’s made with a lot of enthusiasm and sports a respectable funnybone, but sacrifices a lot of the horror comedy for an abundance of dirty girl jokes that ultimately drives the film. Pentagrams in blood, porn parody marathons, sock puppet monsters, stoners, pizza delivery guys, possessions, interdimensional bein’s, and bangin’ with no boobs! 2/5!   

HOWLING VII: NEW MOON RISING (1995)

THE HUNGER (1983)

After a bloodsuckin’ David Bowie confusingly shrivels up into a livin’ corpse, his ice queen of a vamp lover sticks him in a pine box with other past flings and effortlessly seduces a clueless Susan Sarandon into a scissorin’ fang bang that ends as soon as it starts. Arguably the most pretentious vampire flick ever committed to celluloid, this melodrama’s full of classical overtures, slow-mo doves, artsy nudity, and aloof cinematography that’s in a league of its own. It has its memorable moments thanks to Dick Smiths’ special effects and Susan’s lesbo scene ‘tween the sheets, but the story’s pretty dull without a lotta character development and doesn’t feel like it starts to take off ’til the end credits roll. Lab monkey on lab monkey violence, stabbin’ with pendants, neck stabbin’, lotta failed attempts at murder, neck bitin’, vampire hickies, extreme stair falls, zombie-lookin’ vampire lynch mobs, young’n killin’, rapid wrinklin’, blood suckin’, boobs, David Bowie lovemakin’ in the shower, and body stuffed furnaces! 2/5!

HUSH (2016)

A deaf gal trying to write her next novel in a secluded cabin thinks her biggest problem is writer’s block ’til a slasher murders a runaway victim on her front steps. Because the killer has nothing better to do I guess, he hangs around to torment the shaken author, easily becoming one of horror’s biggest dicks on screen for bullying the handicap. Don’t get too excited for this being a new “masked” slasher film, because the eerie killer takes his mask off pretty quickly and you’re subjected to a redneck goober trying to be scary the rest of the time. All around well-made flick with a realistic last girl who should get some kinda of nomination, believable flow of events, and a engaging story with just a little bit of Tom & Jerry drag in the middle. 3/5!

HUSK (2011)

Killer scarecrows stalk and slaughter a carload of wrecked partygoers in a haunted cornfield and turn them into more killer scarecrows. I still can’t put my finger on where exactly this film goes wrong. It’s beautifully shot, has interestin’ enough characters, and a creepy premise supported by an eerie location, but I think it could set up the characters a little better, push the horror more, and be less vague about how 2 brothers’ family drama resulted in a small army of killer scarecrows. Car wrecks, kamikaze crows, scarecrow scratch posts, possessed sewin’, nails hammered through fingers, supernatural flashbacks, pitchforks in the back, pig carvin’, ghost farmers, and Kurt Cobain’s skeleton! 3/5!  

HYPOTHERMIA (2010)

It’s The Creature From the Black Lagoon meets ice fishin’ as a cartoony lookin’ fish man runs out of fish sticks and hunts Michael Rooker’s family and their obnoxious neighbors for a frozen lake snack. While this monster flick is decently shot, most the actin’s subdued, the escalation builds to a pretty lame endin’, the pacin’ drags here and there, and I can’t figure out if folks become psychically linked with the monster or are turnin’ into one themselves whenever the ice fish man nicks them with its fins and claws. The one savin’ grace for anythin’ entertainin’ in this thing is the obnoxious neighbor who reminds me of Danny McBride. Folks ripped in half, throat rippin’, maximum ice fishin’, poisonous face suckin’, chest gashin’, polar bear club divin’, sea monster vision, and corpse stealin’! 3/5!