Screaming Soup!

G – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

GAGS THE CLOWN (2018)

After a creepy balloon totin’ clown named Gags is spotted roamin’ the streets of a small Wisconsin city at night, a handful of folks wanna exploit the viral sensation but end up chasin’ after their own big top death. Loosely inspired by the harmless sightin’s of Wrinkles the Clown in Florida, the narrative of this character driven horror is a little all over the place with the different gangs of people meanderin’ most the night in their search for Gags, but I think that lends itself to the realism the filmmaker were strivin’ for. The only distractin’ sour is how Gags is presented like a found footage flick someone cut together, but the filmmakers take liberties with shots inserted from all kinds of unexpected camera angles like ATMS and security cams as if we’re an omnipotent force watchin’ this go down. Not the scariest clown movie I’ve seen, but the cast is easily entertainin’, and there’s ‘nough supernatural stuff goin’ on to keep me interested. Exploding black balloons, vigilante podcasters, sassy reporters, clown imposters, house parties, self mutilation, fire fights with cops, mysterious circus tents, white powder sickness, paranormal clown tunes, fatal freefalls, head shots, bullets to the chest, over exposed boobs, and one awesome explodin’ balloon doll death! 3/5!

THE GALLOWS ACT II (2019)

The melodramatic ghost of Charlie Grimille is once ‘gain disturbed as a wannabe actress gains YouTube fame and the respect of her high school drama class performin’ monologues from the stage play that killed him, cursin’ her with harmless visions and nonsensical urban legend rules that build up to an even more confusin’ endin’. Seriously, y’all. I’d think Charlie would go after the girl recitin’ The Gallows from beginnin’ to end, but instead, he spends this movie stalkin’ ‘nother woman and her dog who have no direct connection to any of his shenanigans. Then there’s this whole twist endin’ with the girl’s narc lookin’ crush revealin’ himself to be this mastermind behind her fatal hauntin’ that doesn’t make a lick of sense. To salvage this weak sequel, the filmmakers should’ve kept things simple and just revealed a circle jerk of friends who manipulated the girl into killin’ herself to save their bacon from the all too real threat of the Charlie Challenge. It’d be a little tricky to make the rules work as far as bringin’ someone new into their predicament that’s already in progress, but it’s better than the idea some asshole’s friends and family help him kill a girl for internet fame which throws Charlie’s involvement and openin’ kill scenes into question. Black out auditions, hangin’ visions, treehouses of terror, creepy mannequins, sinister shadows, dead dogs, unidentified flyin’ household items, high school bullyin’, hangin’s, and asylum visits featurin’ cast from the first Gallows! 2/5! 

GARGOYLES (1972)

While doin’ research for his new high brow book in the deserts of New Mexico, an anthropologist enters gargoyle country and must rescue his kidnapped daughter from teachin’ the endangered slow-mo race of demons to read! For a made for TV flick, this is pretty damn good with characters that hold your interest and a nice handful of rubber monster suit scenes thanks to a young and eager Stan Winston. Nothin’ bad to say ’bout this other than it’s a cool watch but kind of lackluster as far as anythin’ bein’ truly memorable for better or worse. Cops ‘n dirt bikers, stunt car chases, destroyed buildin’s, gargoyle skeletons, roadside freakshows, gargoyles galore, kidnappin’s, overturned cars, gargoyle joyrides, monstrous readin’s, flyin’ creatures, and monster eggs waaay bigger than any of the gargoylettes layin’ them! 3/5!  

GERALD’S GAME (2017)

In this adaptation of a Stephen King story, a couple retreat to their lake house for some raunchy fun, but when the husband drops dead from boner pills, his wife’s still handcuffed to the bed and has to pull a Houdini before hungry mutts and her damaged past get the better of her. This is one of those “person stuck in a situation” kind of flicks I normally avoid, but the filmmakers were resourceful in how they kept the pace and tension up with the wife talkin’ with imaginary versions of her and her husband while goin’ in and out of traumatic memories of her father which I don’t think has a lot to do with the story. The biggest thing that needs to be cut or redone is the mysterious reaper figure that feels like an afterthought draggin’ the endin’ out. Corpse eatin’ dogs who are never hurt, jewelry thievin’ ghosts, car wrecks, perverted dads, dirty secret eclipses, and cringe worthy flesh rippin’! 3/5!

GET OUT (2017)

It’s Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner with a horrific spin as an artistic ebony man meets his new girlfriend’s ivory family and plays polite as long as he can while fearin’ for his life after things get beyond awkwardly suspicious. From the get go, you easily get the gist of the danger and will be bracin’ yourself for what will be happenin’ to the hero. What really keeps you on the edge of your seat is how he’ll get out of it, and who’s in on this sinister plan with rich white folk takin’ advantage of blacks in a way you may not see comin’. The hype for this flick is truly deservin’ and is a remarkable achievement in tension and suspense that’ll leave you yellin’ and cheerin’ at the screen for everyone to get what they deserve by the end. Silent bingo auctions, tea cup triggers, hypnosis, TSA rescues, roadkill deer, stabbin’s with horns, head smashin’s, brain surgeons, head and head stabbin’s, bitter grandpas, flash of seizures, awkward parties, armored kidnappin’s, shots to the gut, car wrecks, and house fires! 5/5!

GetAWAY (2020)

In this bland indie take on Urban Legends 2, a gang of college filmmakers set out to shoot a campground slasher for class, but someone ‘mong ’em wants to turn it into a snuff film for dark web fame. Borin’ and uninspired, this is a competently made movie with the bones for a great horror flick but lacks the style and creativity to stand out from the rest of the formulaic paint by numbers horror out there. Backstabbin’ partnerships, axes to the back, girlfriend drama, stabbin’s, beatin’s with a bat, Xbox come ons, head whackin’, hostile sets, and roadside scarecrow thefts! 3/5! 

GHOST CAGE aka THE JAILHOUSE (2009)

I could tell ya this flick’s ’bout a deputy slowly bein’ possessed by homicidal spirits in a antiquated jailhouse his family’s gotta share with temporarily displaced criminals upstairs, but accordin’ to the face slappin’ endin’ outta left field, none of that matters, ’cause this is all a meaningless dream or some bullshit after a fella somehow traps himself in the dump on a drunk dare. This flick has its fair share of sours, don’t get me wrong, but it coulda quietly rolled credits as a respectable movie with sharp camerawork and an engagin’ cast if not for its nosedive endin’. These sours include a lack of a backstory or legend to understand what kinda evil’s even goin’ on, combatin’ story perspectives, lack of family drama, and the ridiculous idea a female prisoner would ever be left to mingle with a pack of male convicts no matter how backwoods a town is. Do yerself a favor and skip this one. Lead pipe fightin’, head bashin’, bullet swallowin’ suicide, stranglin’, attempted rape, young’n punchin’, eerie young’n portraits with CG-eyes, possessions, wall-art girlfriends, and geezers on the can! 2/5!

GHOST HOUSE (2017)

An unfortunate tourist is duped into takin’ on the burden of a crazed ghost in Taiwan, and it’s up to her fiancé and his taxi drivin’ sidekick to break its hold before it eats her soul. This Americans haunted in Asia flick looks great, but there’s nothin’ very memorable about it. The horror’s nothin’ we haven’t seen before, there’s no real escalation to the possessed girl’s condition, and even worse, she disappears in the background most the movie as opposed to fightin’ it alongside her fiancé on their quest to defeat it. Fetish houses, Taiwanese strippers, jealous burn victim ghosts, witch doctors, mopeds vs buses, possessions, bird house ghost traps, creepy visions, and we learn to trust Go-Go! 3/5!

GHOST IN THE MACHINE (1993)

Before the Address Book Killer can harass his newest victim, a car wreck lands him in a faulty MRI scanner at the hospital that transforms him into a fatal glitch. Now a living current of homicidal wattage, he picks up where he left off and manipulates every electrical doo-dad to attack a single mom and folks listed on a randomly digitized address page of hers. This flick and its killer may not be as memorable as Lawnmower Man, but it’s actually a top notch piece of horror with perfectly executed tension that culminates in pretty creative kills. Just wish the main characters had more dimension to them. Car wrecks, electrical storms, cops galore, cumbersome VR games, electro-vision, computer hackin’, hero hackers, crash test dummy misfires, flamethrowin’ hand dryers, microwave massacres, electrocuted babysitters, computer viruses, and atom smashers! 4/5!

GHOST RIDERS (1987)

100 years after their execution, Frank Clements and his gang of Texas outlaws return as ghosts fer no real reason and hunt down their killers’ ancestors who all just happen to be in the nearby woods. This movie starts sweet ‘nough with an Old West origin story segueing to a rockin’ gang of 1980s yahoos in a flyin’ stunt show, but then takes a nosedive when I ultimately realize this is a sour scare featurin’ a forgettable cast of throwaway personalities fightin’ each other by a bunch of non-sense rules that include droppin’ spooks with regular pistols. Worst yet, there ain’t no special effects in this supernatural shoot ’em up! Instead of decomposin’ bad-asses stormin’ in to blow folks away in gore-tastic hellfire, it’s just a plain ol’ gang of cosplayin’ gunslingers poppin’ in for alotta bloodless firefigtin’ without so much as a cheesy fade effect. I’d love to see this remade where the ghost riders actually ride through the skies with the stunt planes havin’ to play a part in their defeat. Ghostly ambushes, bullets to the chest, fishin’ massacres, high-flyin’ POVs, hangin’s, botched rescues, cursin’, and ghost killin’ guns from the Ol’ West! 2/5!

GHOST STORIES (2017)

Also known as Bullshit: The Movie, a professional debunker of supernatural phenomena is hired by his idol for rational explanations behind three different paranormal cases he couldn’t solve, and after a lotta creepy but ineffective storytellin’, the movie nosedives into a mulligan mind fuck of a coma twist endin’ that leaves me hateful for wastin’ my time. The filmmakers were hittin’ on all pistons from the cinematography to the effectively skin-crawlin’ creep factors, but unfortunately, their sweet premise was ruined by an awful story that spends most its time beatin’ ’round the bush with soulless slow paced characters openin’ for a head scratchin’ endin’ centered ’round past sins that lack any and all proper set-up for me to care. Presto hair-dos, reality rippin’, ghost girls, monstrous hit and runs, ghostly house guests, televangelical frauds, shotguns to the face, high school bullyin’, special needs seizures, beastly babies, and freaky floatin’ mamas! 2/5! 

GHOST WRITER (1989)

A journalist crashes at a family beach house for some peace and quiet and is humorously haunted by the top heavy ghost of a movie star relative who needs her help movin’ on by catchin’ whoever faked her infamous suicide decades earlier. More comedy than horror, but ‘nough supernatural elements, skin, and danger to be solid B-movie entertainment, this Landers sister flick has plenty of charm to make its cheesy gags tolerable and rounds its cast off with a nice handful of low-budget regulars (from Buck Flowers to Dick Miller) I can’t help but smile whenever they pop in for a quick cameo. Would’ve preferred some full-blown nudity, and the ghost logic doesn’t always make sense with folks able to tackle the Marilyn Monroe knock-off after she’s been drinkin’ everyone’s alcohol from beyond the grave, but this is more or less everythin’ I expected it to be. Ghostly car chases, car wrecks, skinny dippin’, Hollywood wax museums, strippin’, club scenes, kidnappin’, literal ghost writin’, spaghetti gags, haunted dinner meetin’s, corrupt politicians, and the Barbarian Brothers as hencmen! 3/5!

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE (2021)

Ditchin’ the Ghostbusters decades ago, Egon passes away on a dirt farm and leaves his inheritance to his grand young’ns he haunts into continin’ his fight ‘gainst Gozer’s apocalyptic return as junior Ghostbusters. A fantastic sequel in spirit that keeps within the canon of the first two Ghostbuster flicks, this amazin’ lookin’ film boasts heartfelt actin’, stellar effects, one of the best scores since Back to the Future, and the triumphant return of the original paranormal eliminators I know and love for one brief moment. My only gripes with this sucker is I wish the filmmakers had come up with a whole new big bad to threaten the world ‘stead of recyclin’ Gozer and all his/her predictable plot points. I also didn’t like how quickly the story rushes to the final fight with Gozer as soon as the young’ns encounter their first free floatin’ booger, and the inclusion of Ivo Shandor was cool but pretty pointless overall. Spook chasin’, RC car ghost traps, spirit photography, possessions, spectral comets, ghost traps galore, CGI Egon, ghost chess, hidey hole puzzles, proton stream crossin’, slammer sequences, metal munchin’ boogers, terror dogs, mini-Marshmallow Men antics, Real Ghostbuster toy nods, soul pits, and ancient ruins! 4/5!

GHOSTBUSTERS: ANSWER THE CALL (2016)

ParaNorman is all grown up and engineers the end of New York with a shitstorm of malevolent CGI ghosts unless a rebooted gang of paranormal eliminators can stop him. There are just as many pros as there are cons in this mixed bag of pop culture with cool ghosts, busting gear, and haunted situations balancing out stiff jokes, lack of New York energy, and poor chemistry among the core actors. Ozzy concerts, possessed mannequins, she-Slimers, Jaws mayors, ghost chippers, the most forgettable villain EVER, real Ghostbusters cameo deaths, hidden Harold Ramis references, the longest rescue cord in history, and no ghosts above a 5 on the PKE from what I recall. 3/5!

GHOSTHOUSE aka Evil Dead 3 in Italy (1988)

Groups of ham radio enthusiasts hear a mysterious frequency calling for help and trace the distress call to an abandoned house haunted by a little girl and her evil clown doll. No one knows if the ghost was luring people there to begin with, but she bids her guests a fatal welcome that turns their rescue mission into supernatural game of survival. This film looks good and starts out strong with interesting enough characters, but the story falls apart half way through with a major loss of tension. Exploding mirrors, fatal fans, stabbings, kiddie burning, psychedelic clowns, rockin’ RVs, obnoxious random hitchhikers, bloody face washes, bad ass babes on bikes, murdered cats, and ghost dogs! 3/5!

GHOSTKEEPER (1981)

A dick of a boyfriend explores the Canadian mountains on a snowmobile with his passive girlfriend and a flirty blonde, and they’re forced to wait out a snowstorm in an abandoned lodge where a hag and her son keep a wendigo in the basement. The movie starts off strong with its setting and characters but goes downhill fast after the first kill. Spoiler alert: There’s ZERO monster action, because the wendigo in the basement is just some dirty lookin’ hobo who does absolutely NOTHING! Dirty stories by the fireplace, strung up deer, impalements, fatal freefalls, ambush in the bath, instant oil face-paint crazies, throat slitting, chainsaw chases, and strained relationships! 2/5!

GHOULIES 2 (1987)

Separated from the cult that summoned them, a new gang of demonic ghoulies hitch a ride with a travelin’ carnival and attack customers in the show’s haunted house attraction. When the ghoulie’s out of the toilet, an oddball mix of carnies team-up to fight minnie magic with even bigger magic! Easily one of the better entries in the series for me, this story’s a lot more fun than the original with a greats settin’ and offers a bunch of zany characters worth rootin’ for. Especially love all the practical effects that include puppet monsters, stop-motion beasts, and even monster suit actin’. Acid dippin’ deaths, monstrous stowaways, evil cults, flyin’ critters of darkness, toilet bowl ambushes, spell book keep away, big ass ghoulies, demonic cannibals, stabbin’s, belly dancers, strong men, bearded ladies, bi-gender freakshows, drunken hocus pocus, villainous yuppies who love mud wrestlin’, mummy wrappin’, pendulum traps, and young’ns who can’t get enough monster vomit on their shirts! 4/5!

GHOULIES 3 (1991)

A trio of mouthy ghoulies are summoned out of an archaic toilet and pit ‘gainst gag happy fraternities by a college professor who’s fed up with the pranks on campus. One of the best entries in the series, this is silly filmmakin’ at its best with consistently solid comedy supported by a cohesive story that’s never convoluted. The only thin’ for fans to love or hate is the ghoulies’ cartoony treatment with them now wearin’ clothes and yammerin’ like vulgar smart-asses. Regardless of that, this is a fun monster movie with somethin’ for everyone. Blow-up doll joyrides, frats flushed down the toilet, bangin’ on exercise machinery, topless panty raids, spell comic books, monstrous transformations, magical teleportation, water balloon gags, monstrous thirst for beer, goofy security guards, and i-spy challenges for Kane Hodder and Matthew Lillard! 4/5!

THE GIANT (2020)

A mumblin’ mouth breathin’ teen emos her way through summer half asleep with a small town killer on the loose and reflects on alotta past drama that may or may not have anythin’ to do with that. The best way to describe this non-stop parade of poignant moments is it watches like someone’s lucid stream of consciousness from characters’ superficial relations to one ‘nother to the camera shootin’ everythin’ on its peripheral fringes. Regardless of its magnetic mood hookin’ me in with pops of soulful dialogue, however, this indie goes full artsy fartsy in the worst ways and frustratingly builds up to a failure of a punchline that don’t make a lick of sense. All I wanna know is what anythin’ has to do with one ‘nother, what’s the deal with the giant boomin’ sounds, and what’s with the mom’s suicide?!! 2/5!

THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975)

A meteorite lands in in the middle of farm country and turns out to be a giant sci-fi space spider strippin’ cattle and people to the bone while layin’ diamond crusted spider eggs everywhere. This ain’t the best giant critter flick I’ve seen, but hell, it’s fun to watch for its farm folk drama and ingenuity for MacGyverin’ a giant car-size bug that gobbles people up in an unnervin’ fashion. The cherry on top of this space spider epic is Skipper from Gilligan’s Island bein’ cast as the town’s sheriff and comin’ off more like a commercial spittin’ comedian. Chewed up cattle carcasses, butt cracks, regular ass spiders, hand puppet spiders, explosions, weed farmin’, diamond swindlin’, intense scenes of scientists on the verge of kissin’, lessons in how to flirt with your cousin, spider meltdowns, barmaid affairs, farmers eaten whole by giant spiders, and spider lynch mobs! 3/5!

THE GINGERWEED MAN (2021)

A spin off of the Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man series, it’s slapstick high-jinks as everyone’s favorite wacky tobacky errand boy, the Gingerweed Man, gets caught up in an evil organization’s plot to possess a livin’ super strain of pot he’s gotta protect by high order of the Weed Queen. One of Full Moon Empire’s more off the wall flicks (and that’s sayin’ somethin!), this wild ride is every bit the live action cartoon for adults I could hope for with pops of excessive gore, unnecessary puppet sex, and Saturday mornin’ plot points. The only sour is how short it is at 40 minutes, but it makes sure to pack plenty into that time. Bonus points for the random inclusion of Ooga Booga for a sidekick and loved Eli Jane’s captivatin’ portrayal of Smokahontas! Naughty wives havin’ puppet sex, recycled Batman props, sex slave biddin’, arrows to the chest, blood gushin’ galore, masturbatin’ puppets, silly disguises, weaponized farts, annoyin’ buds, boobs ‘tween the sheets, devil’s lettuce galore, drug dealin’ montages, and face stabbin’! 4/5! 

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (2016)

A fungal virus is turnin’ the world into floral zombies and the government studies a new breed of children born from infected pregos for a cure. A 28 Days Later zombie invasion interrupts the experiments, however, and survivors have to safely get one friendly teacher’s pet to a different lab to complete their research. I expected a run of the mill zombie apocalypse flick, but this story’s full of enough fresh ideas to stand out from other walkin’ dead wannabes. The star young’n with all the gifts owns the screen with such dynamic actin’, it interestingly divides audiences whether or not she’s a hero to be cheered or a manipulative monster to be feared. Feral zombies invadin’ military bases, monster proof wheelchairs, unhinged jaws galore, cat eatin’, Lord of the Flies gangs, fungal wrapped brains, soldiers eaten alive, stabbin’s, monstrous transformations in a flash, impressive zombie trees, mini-mart ambushes, zombie naps standin’ up, bullets to the face, and head bashin’ with baseball bats! 3/5!

GLASS TRAP (2005)

A tree farm accidentally delivers giant mutant ants to a downtown office buildin’, and the handful of folks inside gotta fight their way out before Martin Kove bug bombs the joint. Directed by the infallible Fred Olen Ray, this big bug flick is a fun well paced B-movie that never takes itself too seriously. The only thin’ that can make this sweeter is more graphic violence from the ant splats to the yahoos they maul. CGI ants mixed with practical cartoony effects, rooftop ziplinin’, forbidden romance with the janitor, skinned corpses, vomitin’, explosions, stuck elevators, and parkin’ garage infestations! 3/5!

GLORIOUS (2022)

While a heartbroken sap unloads his troubles at a remote rest stop, an omnipotent monster traps him in the restroom and asks him to make a willin’ sacrifice to save Earth from unworldly obliteration. Fer a one set flick with only two actors carryin’ the whole movie like a black box theatre production, this ain’t half bad. The filmmakers keep things kinetic with alotta camera movement, the off screen monster’s cleverly represented through some creative set designs, and the castin’ proves to be primo choice with Ryan Kwanten and J. K. Simmons’ performances keepin’ me invested from beginnin’ to end. The only sour I gotta pan this fer is its lame twist endin regardin’ the truth ’bout the lovesick motorist’s past which leaves me sighin’ with utter indifference. Knick knack bonfires, confusin’ loiterers, dismembered park employees, bloodbaths, bio-force fields, vomitin’ in toilets, loopedy loop AC escapes, nightmare flashbacks, weaponized severed legs, interdimensional invadin’, last minute creature effects, and organ rippin’! 3/5!

GODMONSTER OF INDIAN FLATS (1973)

Saddle up for an oddball flick ’bout a real estate scam for a small Nevada town stuck in the old west that takes a monstrous turn the last 30 minutes with a mutant sheep sufferin’ a sadder endin’ than King Kong. This is one of them monster movies that just leaves you sayin’ wow for all the wrong and perplexin’ reasons when it’s over. With flashes of WTF visuals cut together, spontaneous romances, choppy edits, flares of melodrama and an inability to decide what the movie is or whose story this is, the only thing left to compliment is the scenery that’s pretty damn mountainous for an area called “Indian Flats.” Best part of this bafflin’ picture is Christopher Brooks performance as the real estate agent whose story should have overlapped more with the monster. Tear gas assaults, fugitive chases, secret society lynch mobs, old west festivals, whore house attractions, Reno gamblin’, WTF sheep births, gas station explosions, evil mayors, fatal freefalls, dogs playin’ dead, box throwin’, monster two step dancin’, lassoin’ sad gassy beasts, fake dog funerals, old west festivals, and angry mobs! 2/5!

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019)

When a scientist builds a fancy bird caller to yap it up with the world’s biggest critters, she manipulates them to wreck the planet in the name of cosmic balance. Things get out of hand, however, ’cause the three-headed dragon Ghidorah’s starts callin’ the shots, and it’s up to Godzilla and a monster stalkin’ organization to restore the natural order. Arguably the best Godzilla flick yet, it definitely blows the other two American attempts at capturin’ Japan’s biggest mon-star outta the water. Lotta kaiju brawlin’, epic globe trottin’, and a cast of root-worthy humans perfectly co-existin’ with impressive special effects exhibitin’ genuine girth. Godzilla vs Ghidorah vs Rodan vs Mothra, volcanic entrances, maybe the lost city of Atlantis, gift wrapped nukes, atomic booms, plane crashes, in-flight ejection meals, stormy body odor, nuke beams, three-way dragon’s breath, regeneratin’ appendages, Fenway Park chaos, metamorphosis, King Kong references galore, history lesson wall art galore, submarine rescue missions, 3-4 background beasts of city stompin’ size, and Blue Oyster Cult’s tune is finally used in a Godzilla flick! 5/5! 

GODZILLA VS KONG (2021)

It’s the CGI throwdown of the 21st century as the laws of nature compel Godzilla to beat King Kong’s hairy ass while humans use the big ape as a two-fisted compass to locate primordial energy beneath the Earth’s crust for powerin’ a secret kaiju-stompin’ weapon. Well, if ya ever bitched ’bout these monster mash flicks bein’ too heavy on human sideline drama, then this sucker is for you, Scream Freaks! The characters are as flat as they come in this emotionless world trottin’ plot, and all the focus is on computer toon clobber fests with Kong chewin’ up the majority of the runtime while Zilla hangs back ‘tween bouts. It’s still a beautifully made movie with awesome fight scenes, don’t get me wrong, but all this eye candy could have some meaningful substance if there were at least one dynamic human character with something at stake for me to connect with. Otherwise, the only nit picky sour that sticks in my crawl is how easy it suddenly is for everyone to climb out of the upside down titan world after so much time was dedicated to how complicated it was gettin’ in. Sunk battleships, underwater wrestlin’, energy suckin’ axes, head rippin’, blood drinkin’, neon buildin’ smashin’, crazy freefalls, crushin’ deaths, explosions, monsters ripped in half, mutant bats, space/time warps, cybernetic plant smashin’, robot doppelgangers, hackin’, monstrous team ups, radioactive blasts, lab smashin’, signin’ monkeys, drugged titans, airlift simians, and carryover characters from Godzilla: King of the Monsters! 4/5! 

THE GOOD THINGS DEVILS DO (2020)

It’s Halloween night in hicksville, and things go from bad to worse for a backwoods curator of the macabre as he accidentally resurrects a mail-order vampire in his basement the same time murderous thieves break into his home. This modest flick boasts crisp camera work, respectable effects, an elevatin’ score, and manages to squeeze as much screen time as it possibly can outta horror legends Kane Hodder and Linnea Quigley in some decent roles, but there’s unfortunately a couple of sours that really drag it all down. While there’s a buncha distractin’ story details surroundin’ the dorky curator to the true nature behind the robbers’ heist, the biggest sour is the movie’s competing tones ‘tween a forced comedy and a down and dirty horror that just makes everythin’ feel disjointed and fallin’ short of whatever mark the filmmakers were shootin’ for. Car jackin’, home invadin’, step daughter non-sense, voice imitatin’, mind controlled mutilations, forced suicides, stabbin’s galore, shotguns to the head, kidnappin’, young’n deaths, neck bitin’, blood suckin’, scream queen nods, Night of the Demon nods, resurrected corpses, trick or treatin’, eye gougin’, monstrous transformations, last ditch prayin’, and one of the dumbest survival tactics EVER – duct tape boxin’ gloves with knives! 3/5! 

GOOD TIDINGS (2016)

It’s Die Hard with slasher Santas as 3 limping psychos crash a squatters’ Christmas and deck the halls with the blood of bums. Well shot in a fancy courthouse setting with semi-likeable characters you can invest in, my only criticism of this holiday horror is the overall lack of story. Much like a Tom & Jerry cartoon, it’s simply people fighting to survive Christmas Eve against crazed Santas randomly attacking them. Eyes gouged with candy canes, head bashings, hangings, decapitations, joyrides, booby traps, bomb scares, axe murders, machete choppin’, brains in pipes, dislocated arms, dumpster diving, bumtrayal, fatal lullabies, jury of the dead, and hostages forced to make-out with decapitated heads under the mistletoe. 3/5!

GOODNIGHT MOMMY (2014)

A movie that keeps ya watchin’ ’til the end, because you wanna understand what the hell’s going on! Twin youngn’s in Germany are paranoid their recovering mama ain’t their real mama and go to some Misery inspired measures to get the screaming truth. Beautifully shot and cleverly edited, this is one of those movies with an ending that’ll either have you saying, “Oh!” or, “This fucking shit again?!” Dead cats, jars of yummy bugs, booga booga masks, the most intrusive donation collectors ever, bubble swing chairs, and sheet soaked bed wetting. 3/5!

GOOSEBUMPS 2 (2018)

Small town kids discover one of R. L. Stein’s magical manuscripts in his childhood home and accidentally release a Toy Story version of Slappy the livin’ dummy that’s got a full agenda of gettin’ himself a family to love ‘im while bringin’ every Halloween decoration to life with an eyesore of Tesla technology. For a family-friendly monster movie loosely based on the best-sellin’ book series that helped shaped so many horror fans’ futures, this is a solidly entertainin’ flick with a lot more recognizable celebrities compared to the first Goosebumps movie. There’s great make-up effects, clever ideas for booger beasts, the leads aren’t annoyin’ young’ns, and the Halloween spirit is perfectly maintained throughout the movie. The only sour that bothers me is how there’s too many ways to easily save the day with the magic book Slappy sprung from, but the heroes end up doin’ it the hardest way possible. Clearance aisle monsters, explosive science projects, puppet transformations, haunted mask transformations, junk stealin’ bullies, werewolves, vampires, balloon spiders, mummies, killer gummi bear armies, giant gummi bears, possessed hands, fire-breathin’ jack-o-lanterns, retarded jack-o-lanterns, bats, witchy minions, livin’ Halloween buckets, Halloween disguises, attempted dummy drownin’, pantsin’ pranks, ladder mishaps, and the only thin’ faster than Jack Black’s scenes is R. L. Stein’s blink of a cameo! 4/5! 

GOTHIC HARVEST (2019)

In this drawn and quartered narrative, some party girls lose one of their own to a mysterious Louisiana native durin’ Mardi Gras, and with Bill Moseley’s help, find her hog tied at a house belongin’ to a family of sadistic immortals with one of the most convoluted backstories for bein’ evil I’ve ever heard. This flick’s hard to peg when it comes to what kinda tone the filmmakers are goin’ for, ’cause they’re tryin’ to convey scary fun suspense with some BDSM sauce, but it’s all ineffectively layered on thanks to ’em waterin’ the story down with too many POVs robbin’ it all of any emotional impact. Pick a last girl (or guy) and stick with ’em to the skin crawlin’ end, dammit. Dead girl dollies, fake as hell neck snappin’, blood harvestin’, bitter cripples, neck stabbin’, cursed babies, livin’ prunes, voodoo witches, stabbin’s, ear cuttin’, flesh carvin’ BDSM, surprisingly no boobs or gore, roofies, threesomes gone all kinds of wrong, and a chuckle worthy scene of Bill Moseley hittin’ on a younger gal with a list of cheesy pick-up lines! 2/5!

GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE (1988)

The title’s a little misleadin’, ’cause when recently orphaned David and Lynn move into their grandparent’s home on an orange farm, it’s their grandpappy who’s up to no good as David keeps walkin’ in on him beatin’ and hidin’ a mysterious woman. Sneakin’ around for answers, the two siblin’s gotta solve the mystery before their suspicious pop-pop goes homicidal on their asses. This flick may favor a mystery thriller more than a horror with its bare minimum bloodshed and zip nudity, but it successfully maintains a tension that keeps you hooked with tryin’ to figure out what’s goin’ on. Problem is, when the truth’s revealed, the movie ends on a really bad note after such a great build-up. Biggest sweet is Brinke Stevens as the mystery lady, who I think really missed her callin’ as a horror villain, ’cause she’s got that creepy stare down! Mulligan dreams, roof stunts, fallen grannies, awkward pool flirtin’, bloated bodies, wreckless bus-drivers, rocket defenses, explosions, and hack ‘n slashin’! 3/5! 

GRANNY (1999)

A group of yahoos initiate a new girl into their group with a late night game of killer granny, drivin’ the newbie to come up with her own bullshit story twists. There’s some decent chemistry among the actors, but the lightin’ and camera work is pretty amateur with sloppy special effects to boot in this Z-grade VHS shot flick. If you enjoy mulligan movies like April Fool’s Day and killers in Halloween granny drag, then this might be up your alley. Jackson Pollock bloodspray, murdered shadows, strangulations, axes to the head, fake funerals, and people sayin’ “paranoid” like it’s goin’ outta style! 2/5!  

GRAVE HALLOWEEN aka THE SUICIDE FOREST aka DEATHLY HALLOWEEN (2013)

A gang of student filmmakers spend Halloween in Japan’s infamous Suicide Forest and document a classmate’s search fer answers ’bout her dead birth mama while bein’ chased by Grudge ghost wannabes. A forgettable snooze of a Syfy original, the plot is interestin’ ‘nough, but the cast is miserably flat and fails to pull me into these yahoo’s haunted romp through the sticks. It’s beyond me why this is even set on Halloween given it has zero holiday vibes with it only bein’ mentioned in passin’. A fine flick fer background noise or a sleep-aid but nothin’ else. Drawn and quarterin’ by hair extensions, supernatural suckin’, Cassandra ghosts, drivin’ dead, mama drama, stabbin’s, robbin’ the dead! 3/5! 

GRAVE MISDEMEANORS aka NIGHT LIFE (1989)

When a teen’s high school bullies end up on the slab in the mortuary he works at, a logic defyin’ thunderstorm jolts them back to life as the re-animated dead who’ll literally torment him to grave. Like an episode of Tales From the Crypt that’s been unnecessarily stretched to feature length, this flick really drags its feet when it comes to dishin’ the horror and feels like watchin’ two completely different movies by the time the zombies are spontaneously introduced halfway through. Despite this hard division between after school drama and stiffs resurrected through the bastardization of Frankenstein science, it’s still a lot of fun to see just how far the nerdy runt’s gotta go to finally be rid of his bullies’ durin’ their Tom and Jerry killin’ spree. Car wreck, dirt bike wreck, electrically charged frog legs, gouged eyes, fists through guts, zombie matchsticks, furnace traps, bodysnatchin’ pranks, icky hair pullin’, cemetery explosions, zombies in woodchippers, trains vs cars, firebreathin’ zombies, grease monkey babes, axes through the head, frog legs on the back gag, and John Astin plays a popped balloon! 3/5! 

THE GRAVEDANCERS (2006)

Ol’ college friends piss off a bunch of psycho ghosts on a deadline after dancin’ drunk on their headstones, and only a paranormal investigatin’ duo can save them from special effect deaths. Silly title, great movie! This is one of ’em unknown horror gems from yesteryear that deserves waaay more recognition than it gets. With great characters, smart use of practical effects, thoughtful cinematography, and a steady escalation of craziness, the only sour I can spit out is the openin’ kill that’s never tied to the rest of the movie. Graveyard smootchin’, dancin’ curses, home demolishin’ spirits, sadists ghosts, axes to the head and back, blood covered jealous types, grave robbin’, pyro young’ns, Cheerwine plugs, three heads in a coffin, giant ghost boss battles, live burials, throat slittin’, corpse possessin’, flyin’ nurses, wall crawlin’ killers, flammin’ hugs, floatin’ feet draggin’, fantasy dungeons, explosions, supernatural prisons, and rigor mortis grinnin’ booga boos! 4/5! 

GRAVY (2015)

A sophisticated gang of cannibals trap a well rounded group of victims in a Mexican restaurant on Halloween night, forcing them to play 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon to win their way off the menu. Excellent characters with fun twists and turns in the story, I felt this film’s only shortcoming for being a total success was how it rode the fence too much between horror and comedy when it really needed to go full force in either direction. And it sounds petty, but I really wish the cannibals were wearing more memorable Halloween costumes which would’ve helped people remember this flick for years to come. 3/5!

THE GREAT ALLIGATOR (1979)

The tried and true Jaws formula is recycled yet again, this time with a remote African hotel refusin’ to scare away its guests with reports of a big ass alligator stalkin’ its surroundin’ waters. If that weren’t bad enough, the natives are restless thinkin’ the toothy killer is the reincarnation of an angry god that won’t stop eatin’ their tribe ’til they kill the tourists! Interestin’ enough characters, some tense moments, and a believable enough monster (when it doesn’t look like a toy floatin’ in a tub), this is a fresher rip-off of Jaws than most and worth a look. Whoopi on the beach without boobs, ginger young’ns, stabbin’s, tribal ambushes, decorative croc skulls galore, alligator worshippin’ cave hermits, folks turned gator food, and an all too familiar explosive endin’ with an air tank! 3/5! 

GREAT WHITE (2021)

When great whites take a bite out of a sight seein’ sea plane, its survivors choose jumpin’ in a life raft ‘stead of immediately flyin’ to safety and pray they drift onto a beach ‘fore the livin’ garbage disposals of the sea turn their feudin’ melodrama into dinner theatre. An okay shark movie at best, I can’t wrap my head ’round why the great whites are fierce ‘nough to eat metal off a plane but too wimpy to bite a hole in a flimsy life raft. Even worse, none of the characters are all that likeable, and those that survive the shark attacks are still nowhere near bein’ rescued as the end credits roll with ’em stranded on Gilligan’s Island. Lover’s quarrels, bump and chow, washed up corpses, futile rescue missions, comically half consumed corpses underwater, shark brain stabbin’, flare gun defenses, and sunken ship chases! 2/5! 

THE GREEN INFERNO (2013)

Some college activists crash land in the middle of cannibal country and fight to stay off the menu of the very savage tribe they were there to save. One of the most fucking intense horror flick’s I’ve seen in a long time, Eli Roth masterfully keeps you on the edge of your seat as your nerves tear you apart watching each unfortunate victim wait their turn to be the main course. Effective directing combined with a air tight script that’s everything a true horror should be. Plane crashes, bodily dismemberments, decapitations, impalements, suicides, sick shits, ants in pants, eye gouging, genital mutilation, dick peeks, inappropriate masturbating, vomiting, stoned escapes, blow darts galore, human barbeque, Ed Gein décor, and flesh hungry young’ns! 5/5!

GREMLIN (2017)

You’re probably smart enough to know this ain’t a Gizmo sequel, but you may be surprised to find out this ain’t even a movie with any gremlins. No sir, this flick’s actually ’bout a fallen god bein’ Pokémoned into a magic box and passed around like a cursed video tape with a deadly countdown. When it’s an unsuspectin’ husband’s turn to bear the terror, it’s a race against time as the little CGI sucker routinely comes out to slay his fragile family ’til he passes it on to someone he loves and restart the timer. Despite the deceivin’ title, this is a really good monster flick with top shelf effects, slick camerawork, a convincin’ cast, thoughtful writin’ with purpose, and an epically monstrous endin’ I didn’t see comin’. Throat slittin’, box forts, chest stabbin’, stomach burstin’, impaled heads, baby mama drama, bodies in the basement, exposition gypsies, eye gougin’, respawnin’ deaths, and giant monster attacks! 4/5!

GREMLINS (1984)

When a father gives his son an Asian critter for Christmas with 3 simple rules, he breaks everyone of them without fail and accidentally ruins a small town’s Christmas with a destructive army of cackling critters. What can you say about this flawless flick other than mogwais are cute, gremlins are hilariously scary, and we want more! Spiteful spittin’, dog decorations, gadget cons, microwave deaths, blender deaths, explosions, fun times spawning at the YMCA, toy store showdown, decapitations, meltdowns, sad Santa stories, airborne crones, Flashdance nods, creature carolers, flashers, cocoons, clawing, Christmas tree ambush, busted doohickies, and snowplows through the living room! 5/5!

GRIM PRAIRIE TALES (1990)

It’s the Ol’ West, and a bounty hunter in a bad wig crashes a travelin’ yahoo’s campsite to spit a few sorry-ass Twilight Zone tales ’round the fire ’bout pissed off Native Americans, supernatural sexcapades, family lynchin’ drama, and haunted gunmen. The only sweets worth mentionin’ in this flimsy anthology are the wraparound scenes of Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones bouncin’ their Oscar recognized talents off each other, and one of their stories endin’ with a fella gettin’ sucked into a mysterious woman’s vag mid-bang. Everythin’ else, includin’ the wraparound, suffers from lame endin’s that lack any significant punchlines, twists, or irony that’s typically expected of horror shorts. It’s not lost on me the storytellers themselves bitch ’bout these very details, makin’ the movie a little meta, but that don’t make this any better of a watch. Indian burial grounds, ear bitin’, ritualistic executions, hangin’s, demonic porkin’, quick draw fightin’, ghostly gunmen, and mistaken identity kills! 2/5!

GRIMCUTTY (2022)

Parents’ anxiety over a reportedly dangerous internet meme ironically puts their young’ns at risk fer cuttin’ themselves up with knives, but one ASMR influencer wannabe sets out to win her electronics back by provin’ there’s really a creepy pasta lookin’ booga boo behind the slash happy epidemic. Family horror contorted ’round what feels like an after school special on social media addiction, this sucker’s terribly undercooked to say the least. There’s ‘nough sweet ideas to support an interestin’ concept of a story, but its structure fails miserably at developin’ characters in a meaningful way, escalatin’ the tension with any sensible endgame, and explainin’ just what the hell the Grimcutty is or what the one mom blogger has to do with its sudden hold over the town that’s coincidentally followin’ her lead on livin’ off the net fer some confusin’ reason. With young’ns fallin’ victim fer simply seein’ the Grimcutty without every performin’ an actual challenge and then bein’ taunted with no evident threat of death, this cartoon lookin’ creep needs to get his rules straight and stop bein’ as big of a pushover as the Babadook! Tox boxes, carjackin’, padded playrooms, cuttin’ galore, stabbin’s, monstrous chases, ASMR intros and outros, window bustin’ mamas, needle injectin’, and free floatin’ young’ns! 2/5!

GRIZZLY (1976)

Followin’ the plot of Jaws, a ranger argues with his manager to kick tourists out of their national park after they find evidence of a killer grizzly on the loose. After enough hidey-ho campers get mauled, things are finally taken seriously and the ranger hunts the 15-20 ft teddy with the help of a helicopter pilot and a Grizzly Adams/Quint knock-off. Despite all the similarities to Jaws, this is a great film with strong characters, a powerful score, and epic cinematography that captures the unnervin’ beauty of the outdoors.  I still think Prophecy (1979) is the best killer bear movie, but this is right behind it! Animal cosplay, children’s limbs bein’ swatted off, fatal bear hugs, bears vs helicopters, cub cannibalism, rambunctious hunters, whitewater getaways, waterfall ambushes,  bears vs bazookas, folks buried alive, fatal freefalls, bears vs watchtowers, mauled campers, and grizzly vision! 5/5!

GRIZZLY 2: THE CONCERT aka GRIZZLY 2: THE PREDATOR (1983)

A she-grizz is maulin’ people around a park gettin’ ready for the worst concert ever, and a werewolf lookin’ ranger’s gotta beat poachers to puttin’ her down with the help of a diehard bear lover and a grizzly killin’ Frenchie with super powers. This film has yet to be officially released thanks to a troubled production followed by bein’ passed around to failin’ distributors, but people can find bootlegs of a workprint that was discovered with most the film edited together minus the majority of the live action bear footage. So, reviewin’ this ain’t the easiest since it’s technically unfinished, but I don’t think it lives up to the success of the first flick regardless. Lots of interestin’ dynamics with different animal philosophies goin’ head to head with animal lovers fuedin’ with hunters who are fuedin’ with poachers, but I ultimately don’t care for the characters overall and think the super powered Frenchie played by John Rhys-Davies is a little much with him throwin’ trees around and wrestlin’ bears the size of pick-ups with his bare hands. My biggest gripe, however, is with the concert. It has some of the worst, most putrid tunes that are sure to make your ears bleed and doesn’t really have anything to do with the bear other than set the stage for its swan song behind the scenes. Until that final scene, they have nothin’ to do with one another, and the concert’s never even in danger of bein’ shut down because of the wild grizz. Pitfalls with stakes, clobbered rangers, songs about coconut milk, Grizzly Adams wannabe vs man in a grizzly bear suit, vengeful poachers, wrecked jeeps, explosions, grizzly vision, mauled campers, impalements, and mechanical bears stuck in concert lights! 3/5! 

GROTESQUE (1988)

Talk ’bout a movie that can’t pick a lane! The first third of this flick is a special effects wizard’s family bein’ ambushed in their mountain home by a murderous pack of punks on the hunt for an easy payday. The second third is the punks runnin’ for their lives from a neck snappin’ freak they discover in a disappointments room. The last third then takes a hard right and turns this thing into a cop drama with the survivin’ home invaders workin’ hard to convince the police they ain’t the killers ‘fore receivin’ their own Tales From the Crypt endin’ that’s completely abandoned for a one of a kind mulligan I never see comin’. This has the right ingredients for an ’80s gorefest with punks, monsters, and Linda Blair, but just fails to come together with every expectation thrown out the window from who I think the lead’s gonna be to all the set-ups with no pay offs. And on top of all that, the monster’s make-up looks pretty damn ridiculous with that giant pasta shell booger hangin’ out his boil. Attempted rape, punk grindin’ with Halloween masks, nods to Halloween III, random cameos by Frankenstein and the Wolfman, revenge surgery, rubber mask reveals, shotgun kidnappin’s, home invadin’ massacres, home movie jump scares, monsters vs bullets, and Robert Z’dar as a two-bit punk! 2/5! 

THE GRUDGE (2020)

A sideways sequel to the original 2004 Grudge with a plot right outta Grudge 3, some poor woman’s haunted all the way back to ‘merica by our favorite shower spook and kills her whole family in a fit of possessed rage that creates an all new family of Grudge ghosts. Now, an overachievin’ cop’s gotta catch up to what the audience already knows and solve a series of murders and suicides the angry dead’s responsible for whenever folks enter their cursed abode. Kudos to the filmmakers for excellent lightin’ and make-up effects, but this whole thing is soured by its divided points of view that rob it of any meaningful character for us to follow from beginnin’ to end, and the confusin’ logic behind the next generation of pissed off spirits is a little confusin’. Like, should the mom be cursed as a Grudge ghost if it was really the pissed off spirit from Asia that possessed her to violently kill her family? Not a terrible movie, but certainly the weakest in Grudge’s ‘merican series. Prego killin’, severed fingers, human water balloons, fatal freefalls, attempted bullet swallowin’ suicides, filthy tub scares, shower hair scares, ooze vomittin’, arm rupturin’, cars full of corpses, rottin’ husbands, house fires, shapeshiftin’ tricks, eye gougin’, drownin’, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

GUTTERBALLS (2008)

When a bangin’ bowler hangs her snatch out at the wrong crowd, she ends up on the wrong end of a gratuitous four way rape. Beaten and violated, she still manages to return to the lanes the next night with her friends for a tournament against her rapists, but a masked killer is out for grindhouse vengeance, and no one’s safe. I dig the flick’s retro vibe, its full blown nudity, Troma-esque characters, and the eruptions of gore like a science fair volcano, but it sometimes pushes the violence further than necessary like the long winded rape scene and lacks a central character with a point of view. Noggins smashed between bowlin’ balls, waxed out faces, death by 69, bowlin’ pins crammed in about every bodily orifice, rape, stabbin’s, transvestites, dicks split in half, folks strangled with bowlin’ shoes, head smashin’, shotguns turnin’ folks into bloody Pez dispensers, throat slittin’, twist endin’s, and boobs! 3/5!