F – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
THE FAITH COMMUNITY (2017)
In this found footage flick, a small gang of college students instantly regret filmin’ a documentary on an exclusive group of holy rollers in the sticks for a measly grade after their animated pastor, the Messenger, shares his homicidal views on savin’ souls in preparation for the end of times. An admirable attempt at a horror film by an amateur filmmaker, this flick has an interestin’ enough idea at its core with a scary premise, but lacks the finesse and experience to execute it to its fullest potential. Scenes run way too long, the actin’ lacks conviction and is horribly unbalanced with comedic deliveries that throw off the film’s intention, there’s a lack of diversity among the cast, and I don’t give a shit who lives or dies because the characters are criminally underdeveloped. The one redeemin’ sweet in this mess is the cult member, Michael, who’s given a hell of a backstory backed by some solid actin’ from Oliver Palmer. Poison apples, oblivious starin’, drownin’, speakin’ in tongues, pointless ramblin’s, imaginary conversations, awkward sing-songs, and plays in the wild! 2/5!
FALL BREAK aka THE MUTILATOR (1984)
An alcoholic hunter drinks himself into homicidal madness at his beach house and drunkenly butchers a gang of house crashers led by his son who he hates for accidentally shootin’ his wife years ago. Even though this flick has weird dashes of comedy thrown in the mix like Randy Newman soundin’ doo-da tunes and folks movin’ at Benny Hill speed, this is a decently memorable slasher with entertainin’ enough (ahem) actors and impressive death scenes done by Evil Dead 2 alum. Boobs in a milky pool, weedwackers to the chest, drownin’s, decapitations by axe, folks on hooks, stabbin’s, cars cuttin’ folks in two, throwin’ pyramids to the face, games of hide and seek in the dark, impalements with pitchforks, awkwardly framed boatin’ accidents, and the most wince worthy scene is a gal gettin’ a big ass fishin’ hook up the va jay jay! 3/5!
THE FALLING aka ALIEN PREDATORS (1985)
Two buds with a hard on for the same chick take their Archie comics love triangle on an RV tour of the Spanish countryside and drive into a town where folks are controlled by insect-like parasites from a crashed NASA experiment run wild. Their only hope for survival and impressin’ the blonde of their lustful desires is to work with a scientist claimin’ he can cook up a space critter antidote before they’re infected with head blowin’ results. The buddy comedy is definitely here with some highly entertainin’ characters more horror flicks could stand to have, but the alien action leaves a lot to be desired. You get two scenes of tiny special effect puppet action, but the rest of the alien scenes consist of agitated lookin’ zombie folk with nose bleeds and angry motorists in some of the sneakiest vehicles ever committed to celluloid. Flyin’ babydoll chickens, dune buggy chases, RV of doom, secret underground labs, suicidal shots to the head, alien puppets blowin’ out of people’s heads, explosions, killer trucks, kidnappin’s, RV science labs, drop dead cattle, NASA crash sites, crazy haired waitresses, self destruct buttons, and aliens defeated by windshield wipers. 3/5!
FANTASY ISLAND (2020)
Based on the classic TV show, a gang of contest winners are flown to a remote island where its overseer, Mr. Roarke, turns their deepest desires into reality. When their dream vacation turns into a twisted nightmare, however, they suspect they’re really part of someone else’s revenge fantasy. First off, for you Fantasy Island fans out there, this flick could actually fall in line with the original series if ya just imagine Michael Pena as someone who found the island and somehow assumed the role of the original Mr. Roarke. Other than that, the island still serves as an exotic escape for tourists, fantasies are still tainted by ironic twists and self awakenin’s, and Mr. Roarke is still a gracious host but forced to indulge one person’s dark fantasy thanks to the new origin behind the island’s powers the filmmakers felt necessary to include which is somethin’ the TV show never explained. There’s zip boobs and gore, and the plot’s a little hard to follow, but still a worthy watch that doesn’t shit on its source material. Wishin’ water, fantasy rocks, eyeball poppin’, panic rooms full of bikinis, lotta firefightin’, masked home invadin’, off the chain pool parties, time travelin’, torture chambers, stappled mouths, fatal freefalls, cave mazes, explosions, drownin’ reunions, covert jungle missions, resurrections, evil doppelgangers, electro shock, bullets to the head and chest, flame engulfed flashbacks, and Michael Rooker as a filthy P.I.! 3/5!
FARHOPE TOWER (2015)
A TV network offers a gang of paranormal investigators their own TV show, but the catch is their pilot has to be shot in the city’s most haunted buildin’ with an unsettlin’ number of suicides one member of the team has a mysterious past with. This supernatural spooker starts off promisin’ ‘nough with crisp cinematography and a likable cast of fame hungry ghost hunters, but the action starts chasin’ its own tail ’bout halfway through and tailspins into a weak endin’ with reveals I see comin’ a mile away. Not bad, but nowhere near great. Loopin murder/suicide flashbacks, possessions, stabbin’s, disembowelin’, fierce beat downs, nightmare sequences, broken bones, supernatural psych-outs, haunted radios, spooky knockin’, unexplainable stairways, vanishin’ doors, hangin’s, strangled pregos, and no ghosts to be seen anywhere! 3/5!
FATAL GAMES (1984)
Give it a 110% and you’re 100% dead as a javelin-chucking lunatic takes out an academy’s star athletes competing for a chance to go to the Olympics. Better than expected, this gives you plenty of boobs, a twist ending with a sex change, and laughable kills with javelins thrown like they’re fired out of cannons. Naked chases, swimmin’, lockers stuffed with corpses, tough love, tug-o-wars with the world’s biggest napkin, underwater ambushes, runnin’, gymnastics, lesbo tension, ass massages, showers, showers, and more showers. 3/5!
FATAL PULSE (1988)
In this whodunnit joke of a slasher that could’ve been a contender with Pieces, girls can’t take a hint to get out when a psycho keeps killin’ sisters in their sorority house night after night, but luckily, one of their red herrin’ boyfriends makes it a point to catch the murderer with the help of his room mate whose brain’s been fried by Saturday mornin’ cartoons. This is a borderline good bad movie that’s almost too intolerable to watch with its rinse repeat storytellin’ and characters makin’ alotta non-sense decisions that really challenge my suspension of disbelief. Its only savin’ grace are a buncha boobs peppered in ‘fore each death with the occasional zany moment pullin’ me back with confused questions. Throat slittin’ with vinyls, One of the most curse ridden sentences ever spoken on film, stranglin’ with underwear, red herrin’s galore, topless electrocutions, superzero beat downs, rub-a-dub deaths with boobs, love ‘tween the sheets without boobs, miscast college youths, fatal freefalls through windows, death by plaster, lynch mobs, sound effect entrances, and Joe Estevez as a crazed peepin’ tom vet! 3/5!
FATHER’S DAY (2011)
After witnessing his father being rapped and killed by a demonic force as a young child, Ahab dedicates his life to vanquishing the despicable evil, even if it means to hell and back! A funny spoof of grindhouse films with an assault of graphic imagery sure to offend 7/10 viewers, this flick’s anything but boring and successfully maintains a raunchy humor sure to keep sickos laughin’! Love for maple syrups, toxic berries, incest, strip joints, boobs, bloody kisses, bloated demons, chainsaw strippers, monster stompin’s, heroic suicides, homoeroticisms, men on men rape, possessions, dads on fire, shotguns to the nuts, freefalls off bridges, dicks eaten, decapitated heads fucked, hit and runs, shotguns to the face, back alley blowjobs, chainsawed heads, angels, spirits, ghosts of the past, ancient texts, blind priests, cults, people crushed and split in half, visits to Heaven and Hell, and Lloyd Kaufman as God! 4/5!
FATTY DRIVES THE BUS (1999)
Satan finds out a scheduled bus wreck in Chicago is canceled, because Jesus has been spotted in the area. Disguisin’ himself as a cheap ass tour guide, Satan personally sees to it every soul on the bus is claimed in the name of Hell and steers the passengers to their original destination with a fatty behind the wheel. This “comedic” Troma flick has a wild concept, but fails to deliver anythin’ you’d hope to expect. Crossin’ your fingers for Speed meets Highway to Hell, you really end up with 30 minutes worth or story and gags painstakingly dragged out to a full length feature with the same jokes and recycled footage over and over again. First time’s funny, but over 30 minutes later, it gets fuckin’ annoyin’. Do yourself a favor and just watch the scenes in Hell and the passengers’ introduction in the first 30 minutes, then skip to the last 5 minutes to see Jesus and the fatty bus driver have nothin’ to do with everyone’s fate, and get an earful of PSAs about coexistin’ and love. 2/5!
FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED (2000)
After a music therapist rocks a confused rubber room resident into rememberin’ he’s a demon’s perma grin assassin who haphazardly traded his soul to avenge his wife’s murder with super powers from Hell, his underworld drama turns her life upside down as she gets mixed up in his over the top fight outta his contract ‘gainst a kinky cult knockin’ on Satan’s door. When I hear the talents behind flicks like Bride of Re-Animator made a hard hittin’ Spawn wannabe based on an erotically gory comic fer adults (published years ‘fore McFarlane’s hit funny book FYI), I’m all in! Unfortunately, the editin’ of this down ‘n dirty super flick suffers from a wonky narrative structure cut at a pretty franetic pace. Scenes that’re supposed to develop characters and create an unravelin’ mystery just feel rushed and jumbled, leavin’ me confused by the villains’ overall reason for openin’ a gate to hell and indifferent to anyone’s plight. This is just ridiculous ‘nough to check out thanks to Screaming Mad George’s unforgettable creatures and effects, but I much prefer the filmmakers’ first time out adaptin’ super duper literature, The Guyver! Throat slittin’, satanic orgies, BDSM torture chambers, upsettin’ metal tunes, contemplative suicide, slashin’ galore, subway trains cut in half, rape trauma daddy issues, big ass puppet monsters from hell, human matchsticks, gut dwellin’ pythons fed into puppet heads, dinner party bloodbaths, floggin’, caged beauties, gals turned to puddles of ass and squirtin’ boobs, BDSM brainwashin’, monstrous off-screen transformations, bird flippin’ heroes, soul dealin’, flesh dissolvin’ acid, live burials, hell brawlin’ skeletons, portals to hell, dark rituals, shish kabob henchmen, and heart eatin’! 2/5!
THE FEAR (1995)
This horror about a killer retail shop charm dummy had all the ingredients for a classic with decent story, characters, and a Wes Craven cameo, but was tripped up by several jump cuts, forced dialogue, and ambitious subplots not even a surprise trip to Santa’s Village could make up for. 3/5!
THE FEAR: HALLOWEEN NIGHT aka THE FEAR: RESURRECTION(1999)
Morty the killer splinter is back, and he’s got a new Native American look and backstory! Teens dress up as their worst fears in some of the dumbest costumes committed to celluloid for a Halloween party at Betsy Palmer’s house, and resist laughing at the possessed log’s attempt at Freddy Krueger banter. 3/5!
FEAR CLINIC (2014)
Fear itself is pissed off Dr. Andover (played by Robert Englund) has cured a fraction of the world’s population of their phobias with his hallucinatory fear chamber and for payback, it sends a handful of supposedly cured survivors of a mass shootin’ runnin’ back with terrifyin’ visions that helps manifest it as walkin’ killer ooze. The feature length sequel to the short lived web series by the same name, this flick doesn’t offer quite as many recognizable horror icons goin’ head to head but is still entertainin’ with Brad Dourif’s daughter Fiona holdin’ her own ‘gainst Englund’s natural screen presence as a past patient returnin’ for help. This relationship’s a bit of a sour for me, however, ’cause she also acts like an ex-employee of the institute which gets a bit confusin’ and even brings in more characters for treatment which feels more shoe horned for the body count than a natural story development. Robert Englund in his birthday suit, masked shooters, diner massacres, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, botched suicides, successful suicides, possessive masks, black slime creatures, stolen faces, human pretzels, crude orderlies, fear fueled fantasies, frightenin’ flashbacks, black vomitin’, scalpels in the back, bug filled cysts, skin clawin’, and pulsatin’ ball sacs of slime! 3/5!
FEAR LAKE 2: THE SWAMP (2016)
Linnea Quigley and the Milf Hunter tell a bunch of obnoxiously flat spring breakers to take a tour of Florida’s swamps where their hellbilly friends are waitin’ to scratch their sick itches for a little satanic killin’. This soulless flick is such a waste of time and seems slapped together with skin flick money given the cast is a bunch of shitty actin’ porn stars the experienced perv will recognize. Obviously shot off the hip with only an outline of a script that’s the purest example of no story to get in the way of plot, the cast endlessly yammers all over each other’s lines, often repeatin’ the same shit over and over again with choppy edits to break up the redundancy. Aside from crisp cinematography counterin’ the bad actin’ (like in most bang pics), the only sweet I can find in this thing is how the pornographic atmosphere lends a surprisingly raw edge to the violence that makes it feel as uncomfortable to watch as a snuff film. Stabbin’s, same sex rape, slit throats, upside down bimbo cross burnin’, fetus yankin’, wet t-shirt contests, boobs, and heart attack fake-outs! 2/5!
THE FEAR OF DARKNESS (2015)
A college student takes an hallucinogenic drug that breaks down the walls ‘tween dimensions and allows a vague darkness to kill her boyfriend. Now, a psychologist has gotta psycho-analyse the wackado survivor to crack the case while the movie slowly sticks its head up its own ass for a less than satisfactory endin’. Beautiful imagery and solid actin’, it’s a cryin’ shame this European flick fails to deliver on what sounds like an otherwise promisin’ creature feature. It’d be ten times better if it just escalated the danger more, had a better grasp on its own monster who needed more screen time, and ixnay all the who’s who head trip twists. Birthmark lookin’ bruises, solar eclipses, offscreen deaths, CGI smoke monsters, near death hypnosis, nightmare sequences, and loony bin escapes! 2/5!
FEAR OF THE DARK (2003)
A young teen believes shadow roamin’ cowboy boogies have been wantin’ to eat him for years, and they may finally get their chance when the power goes out the night he and his older brother are home alone. This family safe scare has all the ingredients for a lighthearted Goosebumps kinda horror with some tough lookin’ monsters, but the story spins its wheels with way too many rinse and repeat scenes of the brothers scarin’ each other while explorin’ bumps in the night with the same broken record reactions, and the logic behind the monsters don’t make the most sense either. Not too mention, the threat of the monsters ain’t very suspenseful when we already know they can’t catch one snot-nosed brat with a flashlight all these years. Possessed TVs, flashlight covered body armor, bright light defenses, and bed sheet force fields! 2/5!
FEAR PHARM (2020)
A gang of friends decide to have fun at their local corn maze and are unfortunately singled out by the twisted spookshow owners for their unique skin they wanna harvest for a revolutionary face cream. A missed opportunity for a Halloween themed flick, this sweet slasher behind the rows has ‘nough gold nuggets to deliver a memorable kinda kookiness I haven’t seen ‘fore but fails to stick the landin’ with any of the victims it tries so hard to make me like. These unlucky saps are entertainin’ ‘nough, sure, but sometimes have surprisin’ reactions to dire situations that completely take me out of the movie and lack any character arc that could make ’em more interestin’. The scenes of the hayseed killers mullin’ ’bout gets some genuine laughs out of me, however, with ’em bickerin’ over social labels and homemade cookies. Longwinded convincin’, cheerleader dress up, sinister ice cream men, skinned streakin’, harpooned legs, dwarf punchin’, severed arms, human roadkill, head splittin’, slasher capitalism, mad scientists, zombie paintball games, neck stabbin’, knock out needles, neck slittin’, suicides, skin peelin’, gut stabbin’, mutants, and shit house jump scares! 4/5!
FEAR STREET PART 1: 1994 (2021)
The rivalry ‘tween two feudin’ high schools upsets the restin’ place of an ancient witch who curses the land with new psycho killers every few years, and they’re all called to action from beyond the grave to slay the disrespectin’ teens. Based on R.L. Stine’s books for the older monster kids, this first part in a movie trilogy is quick to separate itself from the family friendly scares of Goosebumps with grisly deaths, F bombs, and sexual situations, but unfortunately entangles its identity with other horror hits like Scream which it sometimes copycats shot for shot. Aside from its story’s scattered set-up in the first act, I have to admit the sour that turns me off the most is how aggressively ’90s this sucker tries to be with it flyin’ through a whole playlist of ’90s tunes almost every scene with period technology and social issues more or less shoe horned in. Witchy remains, stabbin’s galore, food court massacres, crooked cops, ghost slashers, explodin’ spectres, near death experiences, razor blade girls, home invasions, bloodhound stalkers, car wrecks, unexplained nose bleeds, buddin’ lesbo romances, hospital massacres, ambulance stealin’, and super market massacres! 3/5!
FEAR STREET PART 2: 1978 (2021)
The teens from 1994 are still marked for death by the witch who cursed ’em for disturbin’ her grave, and they look for help from a previous victim who survived an ol’ summer camp massacre the witch was responsible for. A waaay more satisfyin’ watch than the first part, this is a better integration of the witch’s layered lore with campers unravelin’ the mystery behind her hold on their town while dealin’ with one of their own becomin’ a possessed axe murderer. The period playlist of tunes is still a little aggressive for my taste, but it’s much more organic this time ’round. Fun time with a lot less obvious copy catin’ from other horror hits. Bangin’ with boobs, great toilet escapes, cursed tunnels, murderous possessions, sad nerd deaths, young’ns hacked to death off screen, some of the most brutal axe murders I’ve EVER seen committed to celluloid, impaled chests, severed hands, color wars, bug bucket pranks, snakes, axed legs, bare ass scratchin’, fire wieldin’ bullies, killer ghost assassins, gooey organ things, and witchy hidey holes! 4/5!
FEAR STREET PART 3: 1666 (2021)
The Fear Street trilogy comes to a close as the teens from 1994 use supernatural means to catch up on their local witch’s backstory from 1666 they then exploit to save themselves from the real threat behind the slash happy booga boos risin’ from the grave to get ’em. As someone who wasn’t too thrilled to timewarp from nostalgic pop culture to witch huntin’ pilgrims, I’m relieved the 1666 stuff’s only half the movie. Not that it’s poorly done, mind ya. I just prefer the latter half with Gen Y teens armed with super soakers turnin’ a mall into a black light warzone with undead assassins. Severed hands, gouged eyes galore, illuminated blood taggin’, tunnel chases, devil dealin’, buncha dead young’ns, lesbo action, drowned dogs, pork eatin’ pork, pig stickin’, stabbin’s, ghost trappin’, and vengeful ghosts! 3/5!
FEMALIEN (1996)
A clueless alien with curves in all the right places is sent to Earth to observe and interact with human intimacy and somehow uses softcore massages to save a small diner from shuttin’ down. Ain’t nothin’ too complicated about this skin flick. The alien chick’s either screwin’ her subjects or beamin’ hyper sex fantasies into peoples’ heads. No story to get in the way of the plot, plenty of boobs which include Jacqueline Lovell’s, but not enough sci-fi gags for my taste. Sex drippin’ photoshoots, Suntan oilin’ delights, diner hook-ups, private lingerie shows, alien roofies, CGI spaceships, and happy endin’s with threesomes! 3/5!
FEMALIEN: COSMIC CRUSH (2020)
When an interstellar field trip to an ancient temple risks releasin’ a horn dog parasite and its pleasure pods on the universe, higher bein’s gotta intervene and keep the cosmos in check while learnin’ all they can ’bout makin’ whoopee. One of the best entries in Full Moon Empire’s Deadly Ten series, this is top notch softcore full of practical special effects, monstrous make-ups, and a convincin’ cast doin’ a bang up job suspendin’ my disbelief despite their modern day tats threatenin’ to distract from the fantasy of it all. Everythin’ from the sets to the costumin’ is thoughtfully crafted and kudos to writer/director Lindsey Schmitz for managin’ to slip a couple of tender moments in here for artistic integrity. Interstellar infomercials, girl on girl action, guy on girl action, horned up e.t. truckers, tentacle turn ons, pod toys for the bedroom, lotta strippin’, shape shiftin’ cat girls, seductive possessions, forked tongue play, waffle maker spaceships, and boobs galore! 4/5!
FENDER BENDER (2016)
A teenage girl gets her first fender bender, never suspecting the other driver is a serial killin’ sociopath who stalks his victims with the information they exchange at the scene of the “accident.” Right out the gate, this flick floors you as an instant hit with its top notch actin’, muscle tightenin’ tension, and moody synth score that grabs your attention without letting go. The writing avoids the routine pitfalls of a horror flick, introduces a fresh take on the cookie cutter slasher, and successfully provides a convincin’ last girl worth rootin’ for. A masterpiece of horror cinema we cannot allow to fall between the cracks! Virgin fender bender, drugged desserts, scary baths, stabbin’s, slashin’s, surprise pizza parties, near fatal freefalls, human speed bumps, killer cars, suspicious texts, full body fire stunts, connect the dot murders, and drunken house calls! 5/5!
FERAL (2017)
A gang of campers encounter a flesh chompin’ zombie in the woods, and ‘stead of runnin’ back to their cars for help, they barricade themselves in an Evil Dead-ish kinda cabin while villainizing the only person who knows what’s goin’ on and what extreme measures need to be taken for dealin’ with the infected. This flick looks top-shelf with pretty cinematography and grisly effects, but its story leaves a lot to be desired thanks to its frustratin’ characters and bitchy last girl I’m hopin’ will be zombie chow the whole time. Bear traps, inconsistent time lapses for zombie transformations, horse tranquilizers, shotgun blasts to the head and shoulders, stair falls, fruit cellar hidey holes, lesbo themed arguin’, and neck bitin’! 3/5!
FEVER LAKE (1997)
A gang of college yahoos spend a weekend squattin’ at what I think is an abandoned house on a cursed lake, and a Native American booga boo possesses one of ’em to be a whodunnit ax killer. A pretty forgettable slasher that even Corey Haim and Mario Lopez can’t liven up, there ain’t but one compliment I can give this sucker, and that’s for its eerie special effects scene at the end featurin’ a gnarly decomposin’ hag that’s sure to give anyone the goosebumps. Wolf attacks, possessions with green eyes, ax murders galore, two fer one impalement kills with an ax in the back, random tarantulas, squished bugs, Native American Cassandra figures, house burnin’, wife beatin’, tragic flashbacks, chewed up haircuts, and bikinis! 3/5!
THE FIANCE (2016)
Some business guy and his fiancé try escapin’ to the American wilderness for some tender love makin’, but a loincloth wearin’ sasquatch turns the bride to be into a rabid werefoot, gung-ho on biting all her lover’s digits off! This flick’s beautifully shot and packs new ideas like Big Foot bites turnin’ people into Slim Jim mascots themselves, but there’s barely any escalation of danger, and I feel this whole thing’s a flop thanks to the leading man. He has zero chemistry with his fiance, lacks any personality to help keep scenes from draggin’, shows no emotion for his gal turnin’ monster and literally tearin’ him apart, and just makes a lot of unrealistic decisions that irritate me. Mauled hikers, Big Foot calls, monster shows, thumbs bitten off, fingers bitten off, male genitals mutilated, eye gouging, toes cut off, goofball disc jockeys, stoned cops, Russian mobs, sappy flashbacks, and werefoot girls dancin’ the ballet! 2/5!
FINAL DRAFT (2007)
You see a killer clown advertisin’ this horror labeled flick, but it’s really just James Van Der Beek deliverin’ a limp drama as a writer who locks himself in his apartment for 18 days to knock out his next screenplay about a killer clown. With the only action bein’ the imaginary clown murderin’ folks in Beek’s head, this sad flick has no tension, zip suspense, and the majority of its plot details fail to gel into a cohesive story with natural and reinforced escalation. I think the filmmakers were goin’ for a dark emo kinda metaphor flick about a troubled writer immersed in total isolation and forced to confront demons of his past through his writin’, but it just fails at acheivin’ that on every level from script to cinematography. Bullshit! 2/5!
FINAL EXAM (1981)
After students at a southern college take an exam, they become the random targets of a machete wieldin’ Joe Blow who’s just killin’ folks for reasons the filmmakers never cared to think of. Thanks to the director of this flick wantin’ to avoid the clichés of a slasher movie by focusin’ more on the characters than the gore, we end up with an unbalanced horror that’s five minutes of openin’ slaughter, around an hour of fraternity antics and hick college drama, followed by a deadly third act of mediocre deaths that reminds us there’s even a killer on the loose before endin’ in sad disappointment. Students yanked out of cars, stabbin’s galore, topless art lessons, mass shootin’ pranks, whip creamed pledges tied to trees, death by weights, near fatal freefalls, arrow catchin’, and impalments! 2/5!
FINAL GIRL (2015)
Watching this film is the equivalent of watching black box theatre. In a bare minimalistic world of retro suave and spotlights in everyone’s face, Little Miss Sunshine trades her childhood for ice cream so an unknown agency can train her to take out psycho killers. Her first assignment: a group of homicidal rich boys who’ve eluded police despite picking up and killing about 20 girls the exact same way. Feeling more like a short film than a feature, there just wasn’t enough substance to the story much less any tension for the final girl’s safety. Abigail Breslin was completely unconvincing as a bad-ass assassin. 3/5!
THE FINAL PROJECT (2016)
Possibly the worst Blair Witch knock-off I’ve EVER seen, this Z-grade disasterpiece overthinks the found footage concept and struggles to tell the story of ghosts killin’ college students who’re half-assin’ a fly by night documentary on a haunted plantation in Louisiana. Nothin’ but pain inducin’ sours: Shitty actin’ (save one actress), inane dialogue, randomly disappearin’ characters, out of sequence edits, underused ghost huntin’ props, ridiculous possessions, slammin’ doors galore, invisible forces, pointless facial pixelations, a mysterious camera man whose relation to the six students and their project is unknown, and infuriatin’ framed shots of hands, back of folks’ heads, and extreme close-ups! 1/1!
THE FINAL SANCTION (1990)
After a few nukes are exchanged ‘tween ‘merica and Russia, their respected leaders chicken out of nuclear annihilation and agree to have two guys slug it out in the woods ‘stead. A Snake Plissken wannabe with a hick speakin’ chick in his head fights for baseball and apple pie, and Robert “Maniac Cop” Z’Dar does his best Terminator impression as Russia’s greatest shovel chuckin’ warrior who’d kill his own mama to survive. I really wanna like this flick, but the story kinda drags, there’s zip tension, not alotta character development (save Z’Dar’s emotional turmoil right outta Rocky IV), and it feels anythin’ but epic for a global conflict reduced to a Road Runner cartoon. I don’t even know what’s at stake. Natural resources? Land? Braggin’ rights? This concept’s a lot more fun when it involves big ass war machines like in Robot Jox. Shovel hurlin’, prison yard brawls, head implant radios with hurtful rubberband twangs, headtrip trainin’, explosions, shootin’ galore, political backstabbin’, and magically healin’ burn scars! 3/5!
THE FINAL TERROR (1983)
The trailer promotes this flick like a Predator before its time, but this survival horror’s really about park rangers defending themselves from an old pissed off crazy woman living deep in the California wilderness. Had a lot of good ingredients, but the threat wasn’t working, the plot wasn’t engaging enough, and the supposedly surprise ending was pretty transparent from the beginning. Howling pranks, search and bang missions, pickled hands, white knuckle rafting, wild booby traps, shroom combat, and Joe Pantoliano’s plays the crazy busdriver. 3/5
THE FINAL WISH (2018)
When a prodigal son returns home for his pop’s small town funeral, he stumbles ‘cross a demonic wishin’ urn ‘mong his belongings and has to learn all its confusin’ rules ‘fore the djinn inside kills everyone he knows and claims his soul. While this sucker looks great and features a respectable cast of talent (minus the ex-girlfriend’s misdirectin’ line deliveries), it suffers from a double whammy sour ‘tween the script and its execution. All the significant points of this story feel too passive and lack any meaningful acceleration of danger with a mostly absent devil genie followin’ a buncha half-assed rules for how exactly its wishes work. Endin’s pretty lame too, when the son thinks anythin’ short of wishin’ he never found the urn will save the day. Respectable ‘nough fer a watch, but this flick just makes me wanna go watch Wishmaster. Human roadkill, reconstructive face surgery, hairlip ugliness, dead daddy barn dances, re-animated besties, devil’s lettuce smokin’, library expositions, loony bin explanations, graphic doggie deaths, cursed yard sales, bullet swallowin’ suicides, home invadin’ shoot ’em ups, hangin’ suicides, and turd lookin’ demons! 2/5!
FIND ME (2014)
A woman moves back to her hometown with her husband and is freaked to find out their new house is haunted by the ghost of her twin sister who coincidentally died there when nobody was lookin’! Brought to us by Gravitas Ventures, one of the most unreliable distributers of horror I normally avoid like a prostate exam with a hot poker, this overexposed supernatural dud had a fightin’ chance at bein’ a decent rainy afternoon kinda flick, but was completely fucked by its script when it came to explainin’ the sister, and the history of the house. Like, is it by pure chance the wife moves into the very house her long lost twin died in, and just how and when did she die there anyway? How could she have forgotten her house use to be the home of some creepy ol’ man she grew up knowin’?! Why would no one in a small town remember or know she had a twin sister that went missin’?!! The filmmakers give us enough to assume a lot of things to explain this mess, sure, but it’s bullshit they don’t do more to clarify just what the fuck is even happenin’! Candle séances, ghost photography, eerie music boxes, secret passages, dead girl scribble, traumatic games of hide and seek, possessions, ghosts in the shower, and messages on the wall! 2/5!
FIREBIRD 2015 AD (1981)
It’s Mad Max meets The Dukes of Hazzard when the government outlaws folks from burnin’ precious petrol in their own rides, but a couple of ol’ rednecks risk their wheels and freedom ‘gainst murderous patrol squads for the sake of cruisin’ the countryside. This semi-apocalyptic flick is unique to say the least. The stakes are flimsy, the rebel riders never do anythin’ all that heroic, and the hick soundtrack is ‘nough to wanna deep throat a muffler to end it all. There’s a cute little buddin’ romance ‘tween young lovers and some drama ‘mong the maraudin’ law officials after ’em to keep the story from bein’ too aimless, but it ain’t ‘nough to give this the substance it needs to be anythin’ special. Drag race gamblin’, boobs in a barn, dirt bike chases, dune buggy wrecks, gas pump hideouts, explodin’ cars, and ol’ coot rescue missions! 2/5!
FLATLINERS (2017)
Just like the original Schumacher flick, med students kill and revive each other to form their own resurrection club for science, but side effects of flatlinin’ include ghosts from their guilty conscience violently hauntin’ them for an apology. This is one of them movies that’s hard to pin-point where it goes wrong. While this has a strong cast, a keen sense for creepy cinematography, and a more permanent death toll than the original, I can’t help but feel the tension, chemistry among the characters, and the story’s point of view are flawed somehow. My biggest problem is the unrealized antagonist of the story, whether it’s demonic forces of shame from beyond or the gang’s higher brain functions hallucinatin’ folks they wronged and need forgiveness from for whatever reason. Not as kinetic or stylized as the first Flatliners, but kudos to the filmmakers for avoidin’ a copycat remake by addin’ things to the story like secret agendas for flatlinin’, and there bein’ biological perks to death such as boosts in energy and higher brain functions. More than one auto accident the driver impossibly gets away with, eight flatlines with only three total deaths, fatal freefalls, dead sisters, wet dreams with jellyfish, angry baby mama’s, stabbin’s, impressive car wrecks, and Kiefer Sutherland cameos with no relation to the original flick! 3/5!
FLESH EATER: REVENGE OF THE LIVING DEAD (1988)
A farmer disturbs a hidden grave in the woods on Halloween and unofficially releases the silver scream’s first flesh eatin’ zombie from George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (the stiff who attacks Barbara in the cemetery). After trick ‘r treatin’ the countryside for flesh, he leads an undead posse to a horny gang of haunted hayriders who’ve pitch camp in the woods to party. I can easily see the love and effort that went into this flick from the NOTLD nods to the gory special effects, but the script unfortunately leaves a lot to be desired with borin’ characters and a meanderin’ story that doesn’t escalate. Haunted hayrides, costume parties, ugly topless girls, bloody boobs, boobs in the shower, young’n deaths, zombie lunch rapes?, awkward dancin’ orgy, gunned down heroes, heads blown off, zombies usin’ tools, neck chompin’, and impalements! 2/5!
THE FLESH EATERS (1964)
Stop me if you’ve heard this . . . A pilot, a drunk starlet, her buxom secretary, and an out of place beatnik are stranded on a desert island and run into a compulsive liar who’s really a mad scientist developin’ a flesh eatin’ super weapon that accidentally mutates into a mountain of an electrifyin’ sea creature. Not yer typical black and white monster flick from the ’60s, this little known gem was a little ahead of its time regardin’ the gore and special effects which really caught my peepers. Too bad its middle drags all the fun and excitement down with some snooze inducin’ scenes of suspected foul play and a sparklin’ water threat that gets ol’ fast before rampin’ things up for a monstrous finale. Slippery rock rescues, stormy waters, half-eaten suicides, bikini top keepaway, fatal feet first splashes, store-bought skeletons held together with piano wire, mutilated legs, electrocution psych-outs, seductive stabbin’s, drunk rages, ravaged faces, premature burilas, Nazi ponytail experiments, and big-ass monsters who’s weakness is bein’ stabbed in their cyclops eye with blood! 3/5!
FLESH EATING MOTHERS (1988)
A cheating husband jumps in bed with every milf in the neighborhood and unknowingly gives them an STD that turns them into Joker-looking ghouls feasting on their children. A film so ludicrous, it’s pure cheese awesomeness with its impressive low-budget effects, horrible line deliveries, and young adults playin’ dopey teens. Perma-grins, hyper extended jaws, pencil animated microbiology, baby eatin’, forehead chompin’, tug-o-war with cats, ice cream truck make-out sessions, arm rippin’, truths about the preparation of veal, heart rippin’, and cannibal cover-ups! 4/5!
FLIGHT 666 (2018)
It’s a murder mystery at 20,000 feet in the heart of a ragin’ storm as a gang of ghostly gals close in on their killer and put all the passengers at risk. From Asylum (that rip off studio responsible for the Sharknado craze), this supernatural drama in a can ain’t half bad. Sportin’ respectable effects, convincin’ actors, effective camerawork in a limited space, and an interestin’ enough premise that’ll keep ya guessin’ who the killer is to the very end, I’d recommend this sucker for any downtime ya gotta kill. Leapfrog possessions, maggot salads, boo-licious bikini babes on the wing, mirror mirror gags, dead babies, and endin’s reminiscent to Ghost! 3/5!
FLIGHT 7500 (2014)
Terror at 25,000 Feet this ain’t. Hell, it ain’t even Red Eye or Turbulance. Flight 7500 is on its way to Tokyo when one of its passengers carrying a mysterious box dies in his seat coughin’ blood loogies, forcing first class to sit with coach. Bored to tears, passengers take it upon themselves to investigate the stranger’s demise and start disappearing without a trace until they figure out they’ve been Sixth Sensed. No monsters, no ghosts, no boogies of any kind . . . just a snippet of Tokyo lore, bare minimum tension, a thin plot that falls apart by the end, and the greatest cinematic sin was wasting Amy Smart’s talent as she takes a seat in the background collecting easy money. Bring a book with you when watching this snooze fest. 2/5!
FLIGHT FROM HELL (2014)
A tourist smuggles a little mummy cat onto his Asian flight, and the critter comes alive to claw and kill the passengers. Felt pretty indifferent about this flick. There’s plenty of drama among the passengers stuck fightin’ a decently computer generated cat, but I think this movie’s biggest flaw is not tellin’ the story from one character’s perspective the whole time. Seems like the most obvious choice would be the pilot who had some exposition the filmmakers set-up as soon as the film starts, but he quickly falls into bein’ a background character while we get to know a group of friends who are all cheatin’ on each other. Mummy cat scratch fevers, cheaters cheatin’ on cheaters, deceitful magic tricks, children leadin’ the clueless blind, mile high club members, CGI mummy cats, boobs with hot pink nipples, and fatal freefalls into airplane engines! 2/5!
FLOAT (2022)
A rocky gang of friends rally fer their annual intertube float down a river to spread their dead pal’s ashes and quickly regret laughin’ off the world’s creepiest groundskeeper’s vague warnin’ of an evil waitin’ to get ’em in the water. Easily one of the dumbest flicks I’ve ever seen, this sucker looks great and sports some decent actin’ but suffers from a terrible script. For starters, the filmmakers never explain what this “evil” in the water is. Somethin’ attacks folks throughout the movie, but it’s never seen or heard, and the fella who’s hellbent on protectin’ this one handful of yahoos fer some reason refuses to give up any explanation fer what it is or where it comes from. The spooked floaters have their own ideas they’re bein’ attacked by their dead buddy’s ghost, but that never weaves into the story in any way that makes sense. All that combined with everyone’s personal dramas that go nowhere, folks’ bafflin’ placid reactions to some pretty intense moments, and the sequence of actions and decision makin’ that separates the group is both comical and frustratin’ fer those of us with common sense. Skip. POV influencer shots, folks impaled on branches, kidnappin’, tripped up head knockin’ on rocks, gooey head smashin’, and ghosts! 2/5!
FOLLOW (2015)
All I want for Christmas is to forget this shitty flick was ever made! A strugglin’ artist’s girlfriend gives him a gun for an early Christmas gift then rides him while insistin’ they kill each other. One blackout later, he wakes up to her pretty dead corpse next to him and steadily goes off the deep end coverin’ the incident up with illusions she’s still alive as curious friends drop by to be trapped or killed by his paranoia. No real twists much less a point, this is a prime example of filmmakers tryin’ waaay too hard to make an artsy oddball piece of indie cinema. Characters lack motivation, the story has no real resolution, and all the artsy fartsy scenes are wonderfully shot but lack substance. Bang bangs, head bashin’, happy landlords gunned down, dead dogs, basement prisons, fatal freefalls down flights of stairs, not a lot of artwork, and one gift, some lights, and a special caroler is as close to Christmas as this flop gets! 2/5!
FOLLOW ME aka NO ESCAPE (2020)
For the web’s entertainment, a video bloggin’ superstar spends his birthday in Russia’s most extreme escape room courtesy of his buddies, but when things start spinnin’ dangerously outta control with a risin’ body count, the viewer’s gotta place their bets whether or not it’s all a prank ‘fore the credits roll. A solid made flick that reminds me a lot of The Game (1997), this tired concept benefits from a high production value and likable characters, but its semi-predictable endin’ leaves me shoutin’ at the screen when the star victim comes face to face with a character anyone with common sense knows is a stupid move, no matter the outcome of the movie. Near drownin’s, bullets to the head, gear games, electrocutions, severed limbs, head bashin’, kidnappin’s, eye gougin’, and brushes with the mob! 3/5!
FOLLOWED (2018)
A rag tag team of vloggers spend Halloween weekend pokin’ at the spooks and legends in one of L.A.’s most infamous hotels to attract more subscribers and end up pissin’ somethin’ off from beyond the grave. Decently shot and starrin’ a fairly engagin’ cast with genuine screen chemistry, this sub genre cross ‘tween found footage and social media horror offers ‘nough hooks to keep its spin on haunted hotels from feelin’ hackneyed but lacks alotta impact thanks to throwin’ too many things at the characters for me to understand which booga boo is the big bad everythin’s buildin’ up to. The other notable sour is the pointless video editor whose isolated freak outs should’ve been left on the cuttin’ room floor,’cause her offscreen hysterics add absolutely nothin’ to the story. Camera drones, mystery masked men chases, elevator lore, secret family histories, panic attacks, ghost young’ns, timewarp doorways, fake severed head gags, and spectral videography! 2/5!
THE FOREST (1982)
It’s a battle of the sexes as women set out to prove they’re just as good as men roughing it in the California wilderness, but neither side counted on contending with crazed cannibal fathers and their dysfunctional ghost families. Not a lot going on in this film other than an acceptable cast of loving couples you feel moved enough to root for. There’s little to no thrill, and the ghost mom and kids add nothing to the danger. Accidental cannibalism, broken ankles, impalements, stabbings, angry husbands vs refrigerators repairmen, and head bashings. 2/5!
FORTRESS OF AMERIKKKA (1989)
In this Troma flick, a mountain bunker of war game playin’ yahoos take things to the next level and start blastin’ away anyone who sees them partyin’ in the woods with their guns out. In the meantime, there’s a parallel Native American drama in town about an ex-con plottin’ revenge on the racist sheriff for killin’ his brother while he was in lock-up. What does one have to do with the other? Absolutely nothin’! At least not ’til the last few minutes when John Whitecloud runs into the murder happy militia and hurries to lead the town folk in a successful charge against their secret camp everyone seems to know about. This is one of those frustratin’ kind of flicks you know can be better with just a little more work on the script. And FYI, if you’re crazy enough to make a drinkin’ game for every time someone says Fortress of Amerikkka, you better have a new liver on stand-by! Decapitations, cat fights, shots to the head, young’n executions, militant love makin’, tent sex, explodin’ tents, doofus talkin’ sheriffs, lame beach brawls, traitors takin’ a beatin’ in the gauntlet, dancin’ cobra women, female fire eaters, lots of boobs, gunfights, crazy generals, unlucky saps drawn and quartered with trucks, and instant replay deaths on loops! 3/5!
FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND (1981)
A hot air balloon ride crash lands a gang of middle age yahoos on an island full of low budget oddities, and they all answer to Dr. Frankenstein’s great granddaughter who has use fer the new arrivals in her immoral experiments fer keepin’ her 200 year ol’ hubbie alive, her ancestor’s lab assistant — Van Helsing! It’s phenomenal just how borin’ this sucker is despite all the craziness it manages to pack in. Even when the screen is filled with scantily clad jungle girls, brainwashed beatniks, and a last minute resurrection of the Frankenstein monster, it’s alotta humdrum silliness that feels like the filmmakers are just makin’ shit up as they go. A meanderin’ plot with no real escalation or characters worth carin’ ’bout, this is truly one of the worst flicks I’ve ever sat through, and that’s sayin’ somethin’! Final dogs, human hammock initiations, zombie beatnik brawls, crazy eyes, obnoxious pirates, tribal girl descendants of e.t.s, kidnappin’, remote hand spasms, annoyin’ projections of John Carradine’s inane yammerin’, machine gun defenses, lab brawls, interspecies blood transfusions, and fatal experimentin’! 1/5!
FRANKENSTEIN REBORN! (1998)
A modern teenage girl is bored to tears after bein’ sent to live with her Uncle Frankenstein in a Euro-shithole town stuck in the dark ages, but all that changes after her eccentric relative creates damned life she can talk to! Part of Full Moon’s Filmonsters series that reimagines classic monsters for young’ns, this is a decent short flick with some very impressive sets, but I get so distracted at how out of place the girl feels in this environment, like she arrived in a time machine more so than a train. The Frankenstein monster’s a shiftin’ hit and miss for me from the make-up to the actor’s physique, but ain’t nothin’ for the filmmakers to be ashamed of. Rompin’ in the woods, castle rules, monstrous lessons in readin’, strangulations, flamin’ pits of death, total castle destruction, shotgun blasts to the chest, and horrible lookin’ CGI fires! 3/5!
FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER (1958)
Frankenstein’s grandson poses as a pessimistic lab assistant named Frank and secretly continues his family’s infamous work with fugly experiments on his boss’s daughter and turnin’ a dame’s roadkill head into a karate choppin’ mummy in jammies he proudly calls his daughter. This is one of those classic black and white drive-in flicks from the ’50s that’s just a lot of fun to watch ’cause it’s a seriously shot horror for teenagers but executed in a way that makes it heckler gold from Frankenstein’s overly dramatic stares to neighborhoods bein’ terrorized by bug eyed babes in bathin’ suit. Fugly transformations, slap happy lab accidents, monster size matchsticks, BBQ sing-alongs, gardener sidekicks, aggressive dates, cops ‘n monsters, secret passageways, lab thefts, guards crushed in doors, judo chop deaths, attempted strangulation on a senior, gender swappin’ surgery, shoulder crushin’, and humorous lessons in how no man should ever believe a woman is sound enough of mind to know when she actually sees a monster! 4/5!
FRAZIER PARK RECUT (2017)
A two man film crew argue the best way to shoot their horror flick at a remote cabin while never realizin’ ‘the creep they hired to play the slasher is a real-life killer ’til he’s bashin’ their heads in with horse shoes with barely a chance to register what’s even happenin’. The greatest sour this found footage flick commits is lack of tension. There’s no real build-up in the sense the victims ever know something’s actually wrong and are never in any kind of position that makes us worry for them as viewers in the know. Lot of manipulation and that’s ’bout it ‘fore two quick kills and a chuckle worthy endin’ with gag credits by the killer! 2/5!
FREAKY (2020)
A magic dagger swaps a high school wallflower’s body with a slasher’s, and the spiritually displaced teeny bopper’s got twenty-four hours to reverse the spell ‘fore she’s stuck bein’ the ultimate scapegoat for the killer’s heinous crimes. Freaky Friday with a horror twist, this flick’s every bit as gory and fun as I want it to be, but the story’s missin’ alotta important details regardin’ the killer’s backstory and motivation, not to mention his involvement with the dagger. Was he originally after the dagger or did it just happen to be there and kinda magically possess him? Is he supernatural or what’s with all the freakish strength? Just what is the payoff for sacrificin’ folks with the dagger anyway? It’s like watchin’ Jason Goes to Hell cold for your first Jason flick with no knowledge of the series. On a separate note, I’m also disappointed in how Vince Vaughn and Kathryn Newton’s copycat performances of each other pale in comparison to Rob Schneider and Rachel McAdams in The Hot Chick. Most that blame falls on their characters bein’ too similarly stoic with very little need for either lead to flex their range as an actor. Fatal deepthroats with bottles, home invasions, spear chuckin’, impaled noggins galore, chainsaw massacres, hooks to the eyes, mangled dicks, deep freeze mean girls, table saw splits, chair legs through the chest, homo come ons, man on boy kissin’, hard cut dressin’ room confessions, rubber mask disguises, and bullets to the chest! 4/5!
FREEZE (2022)
It’s the early 1900s, and a rescue vessel braves artic waters to find a missin’ crew whose mission was to conquer the North Pole but only finds their demented captain who now serves a race of tundra dwellin’ fish mutants he wants to escort back to England for a monstrous invasion. A subtle nod to Lovecraftian lore stuffily performed by obvious thespians of the stage, this is a solid creature feature period piece with a decent mix of characters, respectable set pieces, and okay monster suit actin’ that could stand to be a little more lively. The one sour that totally takes me outta the flick, however, is how unconvincin’ the North Pole is. These yahoos are supposedly huffin’ it through one of the coldest places on Earth while worryin’ ’bout frostbite, yet no one looks the slightest bit cold much less wearin’ gloves or pullin’ their jackets closed fer every bit of warmth they can get. I know the fish men chase ’em off their ship in a hurry, but any sane person who knew the dangers of the artic would still be grabbin’ a hat or some kinda protection ‘fore jumpin’ overboard into that unforgivin’ cold! Stickin’ folks full of dynamite, ancient Lovecraftian books, female stowaways, ship massacres, brawlin’ to accordion playin’, bullets to the head, automatic writin’, first person video game shootin’, leg bitin’, monstrous maulin’, bullet eatin’ suicides, hand severin’, flesh eatin’, monster blood in the eyes, bullets to the chest, and MacGuyvered musket defenses! 3/5!
FRENZY (2018)
Internet daredevils crash in the world’s most fragile plane on their way to see a remote broccoli shaped rock and fight to stay off the menu of three circlin’ sharks. This is nicely shot with some hit and miss actin’ that’ll either have you on board or rollin’ your eyes, but the action sequences are just insultin’ to me, and the filmmakers take some pretentious liberties usin’ flashbacks to make this shark flick more artsy fartsy than it needs to be. You just won’t believe how stupidly slow the sharks move in this thing, and one’s even killed with a chick lassoin’ a boulder on its head like an Acme trap out of a Looney Tunes cartoon! Planes with tear off wings, scuba divin’, harpooned sharks, flares fired at all the wrong times, cool close-ups of sharks chewin’ on limbs, torpedo canisters through shark heads, stabbin’s, bleed out deaths, and barbeque sharks! 3/5!
FRIEND REQUEST (2017)
When a semi-popular college chick unfriends her witchy stalker on Facebook, the obsessive Goth performs a suicidal ritual that gives her the power to supernaturally slash her ex-besty’s closest friends until she’s got no one left to share things with on social media. The premise may sound dumb, but this ain’t a bad story for a flick tryin’ to couple horror with today’s technology. The killer makes sense and is well thought out, the characters are worth rootin’ for, and the scares steadily escalate. Swarms of wasps, obsessive baldin’, black mirrors, hangin’s, burnin’s, stabbin’s, possessions, throat slittin’, digital spells, unnervin’ web vids, disfigured ghost young’ns, spastic computer codes, and dark arts! 3/5!
FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS (2017)
Loyal friends help a manipulative she-bitch bury her ex-boyfriend after a fatal break-up, but the ungrateful strangler just chews them out for accidentally strandin’ them in the desert with a demonic plant zombie after them. Decently acted with a provokin’ story that gets you thinkin’ ’bout how loyal you are to your own best bud, this surreal indie flick has engaging’ characters and a good eye for night shoots. Only disappointment I have is there not bein’ a lot of monster action, the endin’ feels more like a cop-out than a twist, and the production quality isn’t consistent from beginnin’ to end. Strangulations, head bashin’, fatal freefalls, face rippin’, monstrous transformations, random video cameras, Joshua tree myths, and an endin’ John Cusack would appreciate! 3/5!
FRIGHTMARE (1981)
As soon as one of the last great horror actors, Conrad Razkoff, is laid to rest in his state-of-the-art mausoleum, a fan club of college film buffs steals his corpse and enjoys a Weekend at Bernie’s at his mansion ’til his angry spirit lashes out from hell to damn ’em all fer disturbin’ his eternal rest. A wacky idea fer a movie, this sucker keeps me on my toes with it zig zaggin’ all over the place, ’cause it has no idea what it wants to do. It starts off like Razkoff is plannin’ the greatest performance of his life with some psych-out death prank, but then turns into what I think is gonna be some fatal funeral trap he masterfully orchestrates from ‘yond the grave with the help of his lover. That expectation is quickly dismissed, however, as the story ‘comes this days long house party with his body ‘fore the filmmakers give up and have him suddenly return from hell to blast everybody in the last reel. Totally bonkers, and it doesn’t help the editin’ gets all kinds of confusin’ with the day and night shots leavin’ me to believe folks are up at all hours of the day for the unbelievable three to four days the students party with Razkoff’s meat suit. Tons of potential as a disasterpiece worthy of a better remake. Folks mashed by flyin’ coffins, pillow smotherin’, skylight smashin’, fatal gassin’, explodin’ coffins, video messages from ‘yond the grave, fatal freefalls, resurrections, waltzin’ with the dead, necro-mackin’, tongue rippin’, masquerade dinners, human matchsticks, impalin’ with crosses, grave robbin’, folks stuffed in an incinerator, and a decapitated Jeffrey Combs for bird food! 2/5!
FULL ECLIPSE (1993)
A fearless cop with interpersonal hang-ups is seriously peer pressured into a new crime unit that uses a drug for takin’ a bite outta crime as werewolves, but this pack’s alpha ain’t all he seems to be the closer they come to cleanin’ up the streets fer good. While this flick has everythin’ from a respectable cast to a swank lookin’ production in its favor, it’s ultimately a snooze of a shallow action thriller featurin’ a two-pistol firin’ hero with as much personality as a pair of shades who doesn’t even go feral ’til almost an hour in. In desperate need of a little fun and characters with dimension, the one thang that almost makes this sucker worth watchin’ is its full blown werewolf fight at the end. Stress on “almost.” Garden party massacres, hot pursuits on foot, super jumpin’, drive-by shootin’s, club terrorists, sneaky hostage rescues, bodily fluid removal, bangin’ initiations without boobs, injectin’ galore, super workouts, monstrous transformations, confusin’ Wolverine claws, drug bust massacres, monstrous mugs, and bullet swallowin’ suicides! 2/5!
FUNERAL HOME (1980)
It’s Psycho on the farm as a teeny bopper granddaughter helps her widowed grandmother turn her funeral home into a bed and breakfast with a deadly secret in the basement the guests are giving screaming reviews! Not a bad movie overall with a decent story and pretty ambitious camera work, the only flaw in this movie is you see the twist coming a mile away. Cross-dressing grannies, simple minded farm hands, watery graves, sinking autos, fatal flirting, stabbings, and cliff diving! 3/5!
THE FURIES (2019)
Let the black market games begin as abducted beauties fight for their lives in a remote wilderness full of savage masked maniacs for the filthy rich’s amusement. Despite its thin plot and bare minimum production, this slasher party makes the most of it and delivers an engagin’ one-two-punch of gore and intrigue. It gives me just ‘nough to leave me wantin’ more, throws in an unexpected twist that makes things waaay more interestin’ ‘tween ‘the beauties and their beasts, and gives horror fans a convincin’ last girl worth cheerin’ for. Flyin’ axes to the back, arm rippin’, face choppin, throat slittin’, heads chopped in half, explodin’ heads, skincrows, eye scoopin’ with a spoon, VR eye cams, home invasions, kidnappin’, head stabbin’, torture, and poutty Asians who’re either deceptive or slow in the head! 4/5!
FUTURE KILL (1985)
Sometime in the future, a gang of mischievous frats take their Animal House shenanigans to the freakier side of town and end up bein’ framed for the murder of an anti-nuke punk leader, makin’ them movin’ targets for a cyborg radical and his mini-punk army. In a nutshell, this genre mashin’ flick is a mildly entertainin’ version of The Warriors but without the rich characterizations that make you care which interchangeable yahoo lives, dies, or gets laid. The best part is Splatter, the robot claw psycho played by the hitcher from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre who comes off like a Hanna-Barbera villain. Runnin’ and fightin’ marathons, fire escape brawls, hangin’s, stabbin’s, impaled heads, punk cyborgs, fatal oral, crushed hookers, near rape, punk concerts, college boobs, street walker boobs, frat pranks, tar and feather revenge, neck breakin’, throat slittin’, and folks turnin’ inside out in a giant microwave! 3/5!
Screaming Soup! 