E – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
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THE EARTH VS THE SPIDER (1958)
After a small town manages to poison a big ass tarantula and stuff its carcass in the high school gym fer study, a band’s rowdy jam session rocks the critter back to life to be defeated all over ‘gain as it rampages through the streets. A stereotypical 1950s drive-in flick with hot roddin’ teens and lawmen fightin’ a live action critter through the magic of trick photography, this ain’t a bad watch. What’s really surprisin’ is the gore I didn’t expect to see, from a car wreck victim gettin’ blood splattered ‘cross his face in the openin’ scene to shots of victims the spider drained to mummified husks of a bein’s. Only sour worth mentionin’ is the annoyin’ dialogue and motives ‘tween the high school sweet hearts who first warn the town ’bout the mysterious mutant eatin’ their friends and family. Skeletons galore, curiously well lit caves, fatal swattin’, crushed spiders, fatal freefalls with impalement, electrocutions, explosions, house wreckin’, car wrecks, major extermination jobs, and pea shooter defenses! 3/5!
ED AND HIS DEAD MOTHER (1993)
When a mysterious salesman offers to wake Steve Buscemi’s mama from her dirt nap for $1000, he jumps at the chance to reunite with the loins that birthed him. The joyous occasion doesn’t last long, however, as Steve learns takin’ care of the undead has more strings attached than adoptin’ a mogwai. The best way to describe this zombie-ish flick is quirky. It doesn’t push any boundaries to be anythin’ remarkable, but it’s unique for its off the wall story, ’50s aesthetics, and knack for leavin’ questionable details hangin’ like how exactly Steve’s mom died in pieces. Even more bafflin’ is its lack of special effects which leaves me wonderin’ if that’s by choice or circumstance? Mad dash mamas, lip bitin’, decapitations, talkin’ heads, boobs on the stairs, corporate greed, random hair color changes, cockroach snacks, dog chasin’, re-animated parents, undead burials, psycho preachers, and peepin’ tom uncles! 3/5!
EDGE OF THE AXE (1988)
There’s a new nerd in town, and he captures a like-minded filly’s heart with an exclusive computer chat room while some local serial killin’s eventually tie back to ’em at the last possible minute. One of ’em flicks with alotta quirky elements miraculously comin’ together as oddball cinema that has to be seen to disbelieve, this obscure slasher is far from borin’ but could really stand to inject more horror that directly affects its leadin’ love interests. Decomposin’ bodies droppin’ from the ceilin’, marital affairs, car wrecks, axe murders galore, $100 whore executions, comically lazy law officials, loony bin backstories, imaginary cousins, water logged heads, and wrongful executions! 3/5!
EDGE OF TOMORROW (2014)
Stuffed in a weaponized exosuit and forced into battle with Earth invadin’ e.t.s, Tom Cruise comes in contact with alien blood and finds himself repeatin’ the same disastrous day over and over ‘gain ’til he can break the loop with the space boogers’ defeat. A terrific sci-fi action spin on the Groundhoug Day plot, this is top shelf entertainment from beginnin’ to end, Scream Freaks! Tom’s surrounded by competent costars from Emily Blunt to Bill Paxton and Tony Todd, the design of the e.t.s feel fresh and original, the war scenes are fast and intense, and the story is superbly written with lotta clever twists and turns that keep me invested from beginnin’ to end. Some of the action’s a little too stunt wirey fer my taste, and Tom’s last jump in the timeline’s a bit confusin’, but this is still worth multiple watches! Explosions galore, crushin’ deaths, face meltin’, helicopter crashes, bare-ass soldiers, aircraft crashes galore, questionable zipline falls, battle top fightin’, neck breakin’, bazillion Tom Cruise deaths, sword fightin’, underwater bombin’, last stand sacrificin’, human roadkill, and shoot ’em up car chases! 5/5!
THE ELF (2017)
It’s Christmas Eve, and just when a holiday hatin’ human sloth thinks things can’t get any worse after his fiancé’s unsupportive family drops in for a surprise visit, he accidentally sicks a killer Elf on the Shelf knock-off on them that collects souls for its demi-god’s supernatural hunt. Unfortunately, this flick is more jeer than cheer, and that’s due to a draggin’ pace that makes me feel like me or the filmmakers are stoned with every reaction, movement, and line delivery movin’ at the speed of molasses. The characters, locations, and backstory are introduced in the most confusin’ ways, the wardrobe’s a joke, and there is zero chemistry among the cast which impacts the lead couple from bein’ anywhere close to convincin’. Cursed chests, wrecked geezers playin’ “VROOM!,” stabbin’s, young’ns with mouths sewn shut, toy trapped souls, giftwrapped sacrifices, CGI/puppet prop killers, marriage interventions, random snow, seizure showers, Olive Oyl cosplay, giraffe deformities, and co-starrin’ the Rollin’ Stones lips! 2/5!
ELOISE (2017)
When a rich geezer kicks the bucket, he leaves his fortune to his strugglin’ son with the catch he’s got to find a death certificate for his aunt who went missin’ in one of the world’s most infamous asylums decades earlier. With help from a token black friend, a simpleton, and Elisha Dushku playin’ the bartender with a heart of gold, the impatient son breaks into the closed asylum, never suspectin’ the place might be haunted by Dr. Robert Patrick and his army of nutty ghosts and orderlies. The film looks great, some real care was put into characters you genuinely care about, and this story doesn’t tread the hackneyed path of most haunted asylum movies. However, not a lot of tension in this flick, and it never felt epic enough for reasons I can’t exactly pinpoint. People locked in morgue drawers, supernatural flashbacks, sibling twists, hammered eyeballs, treatments with needles, asylum chaos, drownin’s, electro shock therapies, improper doctor/patient relations, babies in boxes, trippin’ ball-o-visions, and fire! 3/5!
THE EMBALMER (1965)
In this black and white Italian terror, a ladies man reporter tries catchin’ a grim reaper dressed killer who’s draggin’ pretty dames to their watery deaths so he can add their embalmed bodies to his hall of hot mummies. Reminiscent of the Fleischer Superman cartoons with its radio-esque actin’ and comic bookish characters, this oldie ain’t half bad and has a pretty interestin’ Batman-like villain. The best part for me is when a kidnapped girl is runnin’ around the Embalmer’s lair lookin’ for an escape, never knowin’ he’s walkin’ with her the whole time ’cause he cleverly blends in with the other skeletons in his secret mausoleum. Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, scuba rescues, and ridiculous hipster club scenes! 2/5!
ELVES (1989)
It’s Christmas Eve, and a horny rubber elf has to get through Grizzly Adams to rape a mall brat destined to birth a super race of Nazis! A totally 80s film from its outrageous dialogue to its pop culture references, this has a good mixture of laughs, what the fuck moments, and Dan Haggerty keeps it from ever gettin’ boring. Cats drowned in the toilet, rub-a-dub deaths, mall massacres, finger foods, mannequin camouflage, slap happy cripples, anti-Christmas rituals, dead cat gifts, nutsacks are stabbed, milf boobs, car bombs, dirty Nazi pictures, brotherly incest, elf stones, and Santa says, “Oral!” 3/5!
ELVES (2018)
In this Hispanic sequel to The Elf that openly compares itself to It Follows and Truth or Dare, a gang of yahoos are duped into playin’ some confusin’ game involvin’ a misfit toy Elf who instructs them to hurt folks or suffer their own grisly fate. First and foremost, the posters and descriptions for this sucker are only half true. There is more than one evil elf, but they’re each runnin’ their own separate games with very little cohesion or overlap with the core group of gamers who’d rather split up to finish the movie than stick together. The only thing worse than the convoluted game rules is the elves’ biblical backstory I can’t begin to understand, and that the filmmakers must have chosen to spend their effects budget on Instagram face distortions over killer CGI elf animations like the first movie. Evil whisperin’ elf dolls, gouged eyes, possessed suicides, wrenches to the head, Christmas light strangulation, seances, unknown copies of naughty lists, car wrecks, roofied drinks, random therapy group massacres, slit throats, elf possessions with twisto morph faces, stabbin’s, homicidal home runs, lots poorly hidden lapel mics and battery packs, folks rollin’ ’round the floor while huggin’ elf dolls to their chests, folks beaten with Christmas trees, and unexplained helper elf hench wench assassins with unclear motives! 2/5!
THE EMPTY MAN (2020)
An ex-cop investigates the disappearance of his neighbor’s daughter and gets mixed up in a bottle blowin’ urban legend that conjures some kinda supernatural killer with a three day deadline an underground cult thinks has ties to e.t. airwaves surroundin’ the planet. Based on a graphic novel, the filmmakers try their best to make this a great movie with a solid cast, eerie images, and creative camerawork, but the story’s too heady for its own good and plays like a Outer Limits episode that runs away with itself at ’bout two and half hours. Boastin’ one of the most convoluted monsters I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid, the biggest sour I think hurtin’ this flick is its confusin’ plot point regardin’ the creature’s flip floppin’ goal as a boogey man slasher or interstellar prophet that’s only made more unclear with a twist endin’. Possible possession, self mutilation, scissors to the face, boobs in the spa, bottle blowin’ galore, willed manifestations, ring ’round the rosey cults, car wrecks, funerals and affairs, kidnappin’s, mumbo jumbo sermons, hangin’s galore, throat slittin’, and fatal freefalls! 3/5!
ENDGAME (1983)
In the Mad Max wannabe future of 2025, the star of a televised death match show is secretly hired to assemble a team of bad asses to transport folks out of the policed ruins of a irradiated New York but might just call it all off when he learns he’s actually bravin’ savage outlands for a bus full of powerful muties the government wants to exterminate. Nothin’ fancy ’bout this spaghetti flick, but it ain’t half bad in the story department and delivers a few excitin’ scenes with a memorable gang of tough guys. Wish they could’ve pumped up the action in the openin’ Running Man act, but I love the part where they fight a town of mad blind monks usin’ a captive psychic for their eyes! Stabbin’ galore, fatal karate choppin’, kickin’ galore, psychics, ape men, lizard men, head twistin’, mutant armies, shoot ’em up galore, dirt bike armies, fatal demonstrations, awkward rapin’, topless arm candy, axes to the head, mind control suicides, crossbow gauntlets, and powerful psychokinetic young’ns! 3/5!
EPIDEMIC (2018)
When Rufus heads to his estranged daughter’s 30th birthday to make amends, little does he know her party’s come down with a fatal milk spewin’ disease that eats folks’ faces. Undeterred by a little outbreak, he loads his girl up for one last daddy daughter road trip and attempts to rekindle their relationship over hallucinations of naked baby powder savages. This low-budget flick can be somewhat compared to Schwarzenegger’s Maggie but is less compellin’ due to an anti-climatic script sufferin’ from misguided points of view, weak character developments, and lack of tension. Pretty disappointin’ given the cast, camerawork, and score are entertainin’ enough for casual B-movie fun. Possibly the longest yak scene committed to celluloid, decomposed faces, powdered dongs, softcore muff divin’ with no nudity, secret basement labs in the wall, milk hurl galore, blood vomittin’, strangulations, powdered boobs, drop dead deaths, father daughter slap fights, and drunk dads makin’ all the wrong decisions for reasons I can’t begin to understand! 2/5!
ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
If you take all the grit and twists out of SAW, you get this flick ’bout a rich bunch of yahoos celebratin’ a friend’s birthday in a hush hush escape room that turns out to be some sicko’s unfair game of elaborate booby traps. This film looks amazin’ and boasts some creative kills, but there’s a major lack of tension ’til the last half of the movie, and the endin’ falls flatter than street pizza with accusations and/or reveals that go over my skull. Blind trust birthdays, folks guillotined in the vents, complex puzzle solvin’, crushed wrists, acid shower make-out scenes, caged nudies, stabbin’s, and poisonin’s! 3/5!
ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
When Skeet Ulrich ignores everyone’s warning ‘gainst decoratin’ his escape room with a demonic box for Halloween, the season’s first customers get more than they bargain for when their chained psycho performer ends up possessed and slowly inches toward ’em for the kill as they race to beat the clock. While this umpteenth escape room themed flick manages to be a little less of a Saw wannabe with its supernatural element, it’s still mediocre fun at best with a small gang of friends runnin’ ’round a single room to avoid bein’ stabbed with scissors by a demon who doesn’t do anythin’ all that demonic. Demonic entities, body jumpin’ possessions, glass shards through arms, eye gougin’, head stabbin’, murder suicides, unnecessarily longwinded expositions, gunfire executions, and some filmmaker’s home doublin’ for three separate ones! 3/5!
ESCAPE ROOM (2019)
Like nearly every other escape room movie I’ve ever seen, a gang of strangers are mysteriously invited to escape six puzzle rooms for money, but learn soon enough the danger is real, and they gotta be smart or be dead before time runs out. The difference between this and all the other Saw inspired knock-offs, however, is this flick has an ass-load of money behind it and elevates the scope and tension of the rooms and their traps like I’ve never seen before, easily makin’ this the best escape room themed flick I’ve seen to date. That said, as wildly creative as the rooms are, the deaths aren’t anythin’ memorable, even with an all-star cast keepin’ you on the edge of your seat with their performances. Oven baked rooms, freezin’ wilderness simulations, explodin’ ice, upside down bars, musical floors, electric shock paddle deaths, gassed infirmaries, bullets to the head, crushin’ walls, ball trippin’ rooms, needle stickin’, fatal freefalls, and stabbin’s! 4/5!
ESCAPE ROOM 2: TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS (2021)
Before the final girl of the last flick can expose the evil organization behind underground rat races set in life or death escape rooms, she’s unbelievably wrangled into a new series of fatal head scratchers with other previous winners. An okay movie overall, this sequel’s ensemble of players doesn’t have the most engagin’ chemistry, and the puzzles ‘come so convoluted, I’ve no choice but to shut my noodle off and enjoy all the expensive eye candy this flick could slap on the screen. The real sour worth knockin’ this sucker for, however, is its bum rush of an endin’ that’s just a little too confusin’ as the filmmakers attempt to reveal and explain the true mastermind behind all these wacko traps. Flesh meltin’ rain, trap cars, quicksand, electrified subway cars, games of Hangman, deadly lasers, cave-ins, smarty pants dungeons, muggin’s, electrocutions, sauna traps, and daddy daughter drama! 3/5!
ESCAPE THE FIELD (2022)
A gang of strangers wake-up in a big-ass cornfield someone dumped ’em in and slowly figure out complicated clues to escape while bein’ hunted by some kinda booger behind the rows. A sorry ‘cuse fer a thriller that shoots itself in the foot fer tryin’ to be more interestin’ than yer average escape room horror, this sucker is devoid of any character development, tension, and worst yet — any explanation fer what’s goin’ on and why. Escape room movies typically keep ya engage ’cause folks are constantly runnin’ from one progressively dangerous situation to the next. Even if the clues are convoluted as hell and hard to follow, I can still be heavily invested in the victim’s fight fer survival with ’em facin’ clear and immediate threats. Here, the threat of the mysterious killer is loosely thread throughout the flick with minor importance, and characters aimlessly wander the game without any sense of pendin’ urgency with their biggest fear bein’ starvation if they give up. Well shot and decently acted, but that’s where the compliments stop. Clue packin’ scarecrows, underground mazes, props with purpose, superhuman serum injections, super soldier on super soldier violence, impalements, spitfire corpses, stabbin’s, quicksand, and fox hole booby traps! 2/5!
EVERFALL (2017)
A desperate woman accepts an invitation to compete in a remote town’s ice skatin’ competition to help her bounce back from a career endin’ injury, but she and her extreme video star boyfriend are immediately swept up in a continuous flow of supernatural non-sense that’s more pretentious than scary. I have to admit, I’m hooked by the idea of a figure skatin’ horror, but this sucker goes downhill fast thanks to a few bad edits here and there, unrealistic relations, pointless characters who feel like they’re from an entirely different movie, and a scary legend that is ridiculously convoluted with witches, sacrifices, infernos, and ghosts of dead ice skatin’ lovers and their families. The most laughable scene is when the skater’s mysterious accident is finally revealed. Her extreme boyfriend dares her to hop what looks like 2-3 feet ‘tween rooftops, and she completely spazzes like a crazy person to the ground below with only an injured knee. Seriously?! Hauntin’ suicides, bullets to the head, camera boy sacrifices, magically disguisin’ rings, witch hags, human matchsticks, drone footage standin’ in for extreme sport footage, wildfires, pointless fmaily drama rescues, psych-out mulligans, little ghost girls, wood choppin’ henchmen, and arena infernos! 2/5!
THE EVIL (1978)
Supernatural forces instantly plaque an agnostic doctor’s plans for openin’ a rehab center in a infamous fixer-upper from the Civil War and trap him and his clean-up crew overnight for the Devil’s entertainment. Even though this haunted house flick feels like a long-haul of a watch thanks to a draggin’ pace with too few characters written with more than an outrageous death scene in mind, it offers ‘nough special visual effects and so-bad-it’s-good moments to keep me engaged to the humorous end. I laugh the hardest at the victim’s lame-brain ideas for escapin’ the house, and the ridiculous stunt dummies the filmmakers use for a gal and dog fallin’ to their deaths. Human matchsticks, cellar pit devils, super cross defenses, deafenin’ noises, tie-fighter soundin’ spooks, ripplin’ apparitions who can’t be super imposed behind anythin’, disembodied laughin’, movin’ statues, fatal freefalls, folks bein’ yanked ‘cross the floor, jumper cabled bars, hysterical woman slappin’, invisible rape, electrocutions, corpses doin’ sit-ups, sawed hands, sucker eatin’ mud, monstrous possessions, and ’66 Batman’s King Tut as the devil in Clash of the Titans lookin’ make-up! 3/5!
EVIL BONG (2006)
Stoner roommates buy a cursed bong named Eebee, and she sucks their baked souls up to increase her powers for a greener world. Only their straight laced friend has any hope of breakin’ her spell and savin’ everyone from a stripper happy dimension called Bong World. More fun than expected, this has an entertainin’ cast, laugh out loud moments, funny dialogue, high stakes, and a memorable villain. Stoner comas, Goth boobs, shark boobs, smacker boobs, strippers, Demonic Toys, mean cripples, the funniest horny dance you’ll ever see, suicide bombers, chainsaws, Hot Wheel play sessions on boobs, and cameos by Jack Deth, Gingerdead Man, Ooga Booga, Bill Moseley, Phil Fondacaro, and Tommy Chong! 5/5!
EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG (2009)
The ganje gang from the first Evil Bong are back and experiencin’ gnarly side effects from their encounter with Eebee. Needin’ to find a cure for their uncontrollable urges to eat, hump, and pass out, they trace Eebee’s origins to South America where they encounter the more powerful King Bong and his Poon-tang tribe of feral beauties. Overall, this is an impressive follow-up to the first film because it doesn’t simply re-hash what we’ve already seen. Like a sequel should be, we’ve got new problems, new monsters, new characters, new locations, and new dangers. Wish there could be some bodies stacked in this flick, but it ain’t ruinin’ any expectations set by the original Evil Bong. Skateboard humpin’, armpit humpin, fat suits, Indiana Jones map travelin’, mean grandpas, boners to the eye, bong feuds, beautiful boobs galore, bong rippin’, narc scares, delivery men rolled into doobies, and Eebee returns for another rip! 4/5!
EVIL BONG 3: THE WRATH OF BONG (2011)
An alien invasion reunites the weed warriors as an e.t. bong transports them to its home world where topless black light babes farm their nutter butter for breedin’ slaves. Keepin’ the high times rollin’, the filmmakers give a new spin to a familiar story that keeps things fun and interestin’ while further expandin’ the bongthology within the Full Moon universe. Off grid ninjas, painted boobs, all consumin’ weed, hippie grandpas, hemp grown nurses, dope transformations, jizzy backsplash, swordplay, black light alien babes in the nude, interstellar highs, naggin’ wife burials, nympho stalkers, jizz suckin’ machines, and Eebee returns to reluctantly help the gang defeat evil bongs from space! 4/5!
EVIL BONG 420 (2015)
Rabbit, our favorite delivery stoner, has escaped Eebee’s Bongworld and steals the spotlight as the perverted owner of a new topless bowlin’ alley. Eebee ain’t too happy about this and even less happy Rabbit smuggled out her special wacky tobacky for the customers to blaze, bringin’ her and Gingerdead Man back to Earth to end his business. This sequel is remarkably short (53 minutes!), but it still feels like a feature full of laughable antics, hot talents, Full Moon cameos, and Sonny Carl Davis proves he’s got enough screen presence to carry a film. Only negative thing might be the lack of tension, and the blatant advertisement for Full Moon’s Badass Dolls that’s a little in your face and doesn’t make a lot of sense timeline-wise with their appearances in other Full Moon movies. Topless chicks bowlin’, interdimensional travel, rednecks, love triangles, weedblowers, Gingerdead Man sex scenes with cream endin’, cookies with guns, cliffhanger endin’s, eye gougin’, and cameos by Hambo, Ooga Booga, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 4/5!
EVIL BONG: HIGH-5 (2016)
With Eebee holdin’ Larnell’s feudin’ girlfriends captive, Larnell and Rabbit must help the queen bud sell a million dollars worth of her evil weed to fund her newest plans for world domination. With only a week to meet their goal, the stakes have never been higher as the dynamic dopers struggle to meet the impossible with hagglin’ customers, jerks from their pasts, and Gingerdead Man givin’ them nothin’ but trouble. This is the first time I feel the series is startin’ to slip with a story structure too similar to the last flick, and the green screen effects aren’t as good as they can be. Also felt the filmmakers were really assaultin’ us with ads for buyin’ those Badass dolls this time ’round. Nothin’ head zen, Ooga Booga sex scenes, weedblowers, little Eebee’s, hempwear, Bongworld boobs, interdimensional travel, topless Twister, karate action cookies, girl on girl action, Gingerdead Man sex scenes, and repeat cameos from Hambo, Badass doll inspirations, and director David DeCoteau! 3/5!
EVIL BONG 666 (2017)
Ebee escapes from Sexy Hell and finds a murderous va-va-voom Satan lover named Lucy Furr’s taken over her weed shop. Tempted by the chance to meet her dark idol, Lucy teams up with Ebee to commit despicable acts for openin’ a portal back to Sexy Hell, but Gingerdead Man and the rest of the Evil Bong regulars make it difficult with their interferin’ high jinx. 666 rediscoveries the fun and energy seen in Evil Bong 1-4, and successfully delivers an easy goin’flick full of monsters, babes, and wacky tobacky. The effects are minimal but effective, the story pleasantly takes the series in a new yet familiar direction, Sonny Carl Davis returns to light up the screen with his charismatic smile and shares undeniable chemistry with the talented Mindy Robinson, another supportin’ Evil Bong star takin’ the spotlight. Rubber puppets, green screen hells, the invention of the VapCup, killer highs, flamin’ vagina portals, flyin’ breasts, monstrous creations, gawkin’ extras, clown girls, trophy wives, flashin’ for weed, bongzookas, topless devil girls, Killjoy tie-ins, lava spewin’ asses, Frankenstein nods, bake-off duels, sidewalk fortune tellers, Full Moon Halloween masks, and Robin Sydney does the happy dance! 4/5!
EVIL BONG 777 (2018)
After escaping sexy hell in Evil Bong 666, Rabbit and his gang of Full Moon beauties run to Vegas with Ebee and Gingerweed Man for some high-rollin’ antics while hidin’ from a vengeful Lucy Furr. The next stoned sequel in Full Moon Empire’s long runnin’ Evil Bong series, our loony band of boobs and puppets hit the strip and that’s about all they could afford I guess. Rather than exploitin’ the hackneyed sights of high stake casinos blowin’ up in lights, we’re entertained with charmin’ tours of Vegas’ hidden gems from porno puppet theaters to fancy hotels and monstrous museums that carry their own eccentric flare worth visitin’. The cast is still a hot mess of talent that’s nothin’ less than magnetic, the cinematography is crisp and poppin’, and the special effects are better than ever. My only complaint is wishin’ Full Moon Empire had more time and money to crank out a full blown feature with all the crazy action I crave instead of suddenly endin’ the flick the moment shit’s about to get real. Giant fuppet sex shows, showers of silly string jizz, titty tassels, puppets bangin’ hookers, clown couch sex, naked body paint demons, boobs and more boobs, haunted hotels, ghosts, shemales of the night, vap cups, Elvis impersonators, movie monster museums, joints, bong hittin’, interdimensional travelin’, mini-gingerdead killers, a wacky tobacky smokin’ bucket, and one-eye hicks! 3/5!
EVIL BONG 888: INFINITY HIGH (2022)
Rabbit tries his hand at bein’ a sober restaurateur with Eebee’s help in the kitchen, but as troublemakin’ characters from other Full Moon movies pile in fer openin’ night, the stress drives him to breakout the reality bendin’ ganje. A fun little entry in the Evil Bong series with a fair ‘mount of zingers, this is more of a collection of vignettes than a full blown sequel with half the runtime focused on customers hangin’ out with no real consequence on the overall story. While I do wish the filmmakers had taken the opportunity to expand the Evil Bong lore more, I’m happy to see the addition of Diana Prince as the maitre double d and the return of Larnell. Good times. Liplockin’ redheads, beanie weenie dishes, topless foodies, redneck weddin’ parties, interdimensional to-go orders, Karens, dine and dashin’, hand burnin’, weedblowers, shemales, flyin’ CG boobies, and cameos by Gingerdead Man, Gingerweed Man, and Barbie and Kendra! 3/5!
THE EVIL CLERGYMAN aka PULSE POUNDERS (1988)
The cast from Re-Animator reunite to bring us another H.P. Lovecraft interpretation, this time in a short about Jeffrey Combs manipulating his fuck buddy, Barbara Crampton, from beyond the grave with the help of a demonic rat played by David Gale. Babs gives a sizzling performance rollin’ between the sheets bangin’ ghosts, but the only one gettin’ topless is Combs! Jealous wrinkles, transgender magic, David Warner’s holier than thou ghost, self lynching, and man face rats in the walls! 4/5!
EVIL DEAD RISE (2023)
After a young’n finds one of the Book of the Dead volumes in a secret vault below his family’s soon-to-be condemned apartment buildin’, all hell breaks loose on the 14th floor as some cursed mumbo is uttered from its damned pages, trappin’ him and his family with a kill happy deadite that use to be their mama. Top shelf production with a truly committed cast, this is solid filmmakin’ through and through but falls flat as far as story’s concerned. The groundwork for the family and all their quirks is laid out for an emotionally fueled thrill ride with some depth, but it’s completely abandoned for a second act full of non-stop machine gun scare tactics remindin’ me of a buncha haunted house shenanigans spoofin’ exorcism flicks. The filmmakers eventually rise ‘bove this with a sweet parkin’ garage finale that’s a little Evil Dead meets The Thing, but thanks to the last girls feelin’ as underdeveloped as their plot point neighbors who strictly serve the body count, it’s ’bout as excitin’ as watchin’ my amigo beat a boss level in a video game. I know it’s absurd criticizin’ an Evil Dead movie fer character development of all thangs, but this franchise has come a looong from its indie heyday and has the capacity fer bein’ more than just gore porn as the 2013 Evil Dead flick proved. I might be more forgivin’ if the middle of the movie just went balls to the wall like Evil Dead 2 did with the deadites fuckin’ with the family’s perception of reality. Tattoo guns to the face, earthquakes, scalpin’, drones to the face, watery graves, supernatural read alongs, woodchipper fatalities, multi-limb deadites, elevator possessions, limb snappin’, possessions galore, floatin’ attacks, wall climbin’, cheese gratered legs, deadite record players, glass eatin’, human matchsticks, face stabbin’ with scissors, hand stabbin’ with mirror shards, arm stabbin’ with knives, blood vomitin’, goo vomitin’, cursed records, A/C ambushin’, face leakin’, eyeball spittin’ and eatin’, neck rippin’, shotguns to the legs, elevators explodin’ with blood, chainsaws to the face, and showers of blood! 4/5!
EVIL EYE (2020)
A superstitious mama from India believes her abusive ex she killed decades ago has been reincarnated, and if that weren’t bad ‘nough, he’s gonna unhappily marry her daughter ‘less she interferes. No ifs, ands, or buts ’bout it — this snoozefest marathon plain sucks. The first hour lazily spins a hamster wheel plot with the flick rinsin’ and repeatin’ the same back and forth bullshit with the mom makin’ me wonder if she’s crazy or not over this evil eye stuff that don’t make the most sense regardin’ how it all started, and just when the villain starts to show his true colors, his motives aren’t all that clear. Stabbin’, head slammin’, face scratchin’, stalkin’, mama drama, horoscope match makin’, and reincarnations! 2/5!
THE EVIL INSIDE HER (2019)
Eric Roberts spares a few minutes to play a millennial hatin’ scientist who gets his kicks ruin’ a woman’s wilderness vacation with her friends after slippin’ her a drug that turns her into a self-destructive psycho that’s gonna kill ’em all if she don’t claw all her skin off first. This little flick tries its hardest to be a serious horror, but the script’s horribly underdeveloped with flat characters and loosely linked scenes, no one ever has the appropriate reaction to anythin’ happenin’, and the escalation of danger is stuck on low boil. Even worse is a flop of a twist when Eric claims his drug simply removes the woman’s inhibitions, pinnin’ all her bloodlust on her own inner darkness which would be waaay more effective if we had any sense who she actually was before her homicidal transformation. Coffee shop roofies, gooey wounds, hot grease facials, skull bashin’ with fryin’ pans, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, confusin’ suicides, odd-lookin’ tree impalement, plastic baggie stranglin’, toilet bowl hair clumps, latex peelin’ arm wounds, and fake cops! 2/5!
EVIL RIVER aka SHANDA’S RIVER (2018)
It’s Groundhog Day with witches as a woman books it to Italy to research the site of an ol’ witch’s execution site and ends up cursed to repeat the same day over and over again with hooded yahoos out to kill her. If ya saw Happy Death Day, then I’d recommend skippin’ this poor man’s copycat with none of the fun or tension. Only thin’ separatin’ this from every other Groundhog Day wannabe is boobs. Throat slittin’, kidnappin’s, suicides, bullets to the head, boobs in the shower, witches, and spontaneous bangin’ between the sheets with boobs! 2/5!
EVILSPEAK (1981)
Clint Howard gets mercilessly picked on at a military academy for a little over an hour, then begs Satan for a revenge fueled special effects ending right out of Carrie, complete with Peter Pan wires and swordplay. A well made movie overall, I would just like to see Clint’s dealings with Satan escalate a little sooner and not spend so much time making us feel miserable for the guy who’s got enough motive for revenge against his tormentors in the first 15 minutes. Cool computer graphics, underground dungeons, Richard Moll as a Satanic priest, puppy slaughter, airborne Clint Howard, boys in the shower, decapitations, high flyin’ impalements, swine in shower deaths, sexy thieving secretaries, men engulfed in flames, re-animated Jesus on the cross, heart ripping, and human hog chow. 3/5!
EVOLUTION (2001)
Director Ivan Reitman tries repeatin’ the success of Ghostbusters with an every man version of Men In Black ’bout small town scientists battlin’ hostile breeds of evolvin’ e.t.s with dry wit and a firetruck full of dandruff shampoo. This is a fun and interestin’ movie all ’round with cool-lookin’ creatures and effects, but the comedy’s a little flat for my taste with too many smarmy characters dishin’ out equal amounts of chuckles save Seann William Scott whose welcomed goofiness was under utilized. Tongs up the ass, e.t. “dogs,” e.t. dragons, mall mayhem, CGI creatures galore, practical dead e.t. effects, David Duchovny’s ass, government takeover, mountain-size e.t.s, gunned down e.t.s, Dan Akroyd as the governor, and skin burrowin’ e.t.s! 4/5!
EVOLVER (1995)
When a failed government war machine is recycled into a laser tag toy, the malfunctionin’ prototype steadily turns one unlucky teen’s home into a war zone as it grows more bitter with each humiliatin’ defeat. I was skeptical how good this robots-gone-bad flick would be at first ’cause of how small the titular tinker toy is, but it quickly proves to be a believable threat armed with an array of customized weapons that make it one memorable movie machine. It definitely helps that it’s supported by a solid cast who take their roles seriously with filmmakers who know how to deliver a well paced story with likable characters and a respectable kill count. I would like to have seen Evolver’s final form be a little more over the top, but kudos to its creators for doin’ so much with so little. High speed ball bearings to the face, fatal stair fall, projectile knives, pyro rigged laser traps, explosions, car wrecks, poolside chases, electrocutions, teens crushed under cars, girls’ locker room with boobs, VR arcades, high school bullies, and cyber hackin’! 4/5!
EXORCISM AT 60,000 FEET (2020)
A priest boards a plane for ‘nam with Bill Moseley’s possessed corpse, and unexpectedly finds himself rescuin’ a plane full of horror icons from demonic rinse repeat possessions ambushin’ ’em through the ventilation system. A fun time in the unfriendly skies where Catholic horror meets the disaster film, this genre shake-up is never borin’ and brings a lot of familiar horror favorites together in a way more satisfyin’ way than Death House ever does. The only sours I can fault it for are its inconsistent comic delivery that teeters ‘tween the extremes of a Troma movie and the slapstick sight gags of flicks like Airplane!, and its lack of escalatin’ danger that gets pretty derivative toward the end. Kelli Maroney breast feedin’ a Dwarf boy with Tourette, barf bag rippin’ upchuckin’ galore, nacho cheese lookin’ face melts, bodily pools of adulterers, head spinnin’ doggy style mile-high club initiations, booger lips, bloody tampon jokes galore, drinkin’ and flyin’, ammo packin’ crosses, bullets to the head, fatal freefalls through windows, The Exorcist nods, possessions galore, topless nun on nun action, Bill Moseley on the wing, The Twilight Zone nods, explodin’ muscle heads, terrorists with removable nose bombs, rabbis makin’ out with priests, Adrienne Barbeau scalped by a re-animated pooch, wacky tobacky smokin’, and a nutty plan for freezin’ a demon to the point of defeat! 4/5!
THE EXTERMINATOR (1980)
When a street gang called the Ghetto Ghouls cripple John Eastland’s well-to-do war buddy, he wages Vietnam hell against the criminals of New York as a hard hittin’ vigilante the papers call The Exterminator. If you watch this for the flamethrower, let me break it to ya gently- he only uses it for a brief moment to scare some information out of a gang member. The rest of the time, the Exterminator’s blowin’ bad guys away with Dirty Harry sidearms like Travis Bickle without the mohawk but at least turns one fella into hamburger with a big-ass meatgrinder. The movie’s biggest sour is how clumsy the editin’ is. Maybe I watched a weird grindhouse version that’s butchered all to jumpcut hell, but it’s like all the important moments between the action sequences were snipped out and replaced with clips from other movies that makes you question the relation among scenes. This makes for several laughable and confusin’ moments like when the Exterminator decides its open season on all crime versus the Ghetto Ghouls and why he’s always the one breakin’ the news of his buddy’s condition to his clueless wife who the hospital must not even know exists. Odd lookin’ POW decapitations, explosions, flamethrower interrogations, trashcan disguises, dead guard dogs, mercury tipped slugs, chicken place massacres, saunterin’ iron torture, human matchsticks in bed, slaughtered pedophiles, burnt boobs, mafia heists, mobster burgers, back breakin’ ambushes, war vet euthanasia, and one of the weirdest ways to cook a hotdog at an office desk with a lamp and two forks! 3/5!
THE EXTERMINATOR 2 (1984)
The Exterminator is still kickin’ crime’s ass in the Big Apple, but this time it’s even more personal when an underground gang of power hungry punks cripple his new flashdancin’ girlfriend. Pissed and armed with a flamethrower, he hunts the streets for the gangbangers in a tripped out garbage truck until every one of them are human matchsticks. By sheer luck, we finally get the flamethrowin’ vigilante the posters promise! This is ultimately better than the first Exterminator, but there’s still plenty of flaws like more clumsy editin’ ruinin’ the relations and developments between characters, and the music sounds like somethin’ lifted from a Saturday mornin’ cartoon. Sweet bad-ass scenes with the heavily armed garbage truck and flamethrower, though! Fatal convenient store robberies, human BBQs, memorable break dancin’ henchmen on skates, kidnappin’s, human guinea pigs for drugs, midday beatdowns in the park, shoot outs, explosions, flashdance clubs with free beer, garbage truck interrogations, trash compactor prisons, mobster drug deals, grindin’ between the sheets with boobs, and elevator exercises with flashbacks! 3/5!
EXTREMITY (2018)
A damaged chick subjects herself to an extreme haunt to confront her inner demons and flips the tables on her unprepared tormentors when she has a break through. This is a tough one to review, ’cause it looks great and the actin’s convincin’, but the story’s so transparent, it leaves very little tension with me already knowin’ what’s goin’ to happen. The only savin’ grace for surprises are the steady reveals of just how messed up the last girl’s past is. Attempted suicide baths, faked dog deaths, faked executions, evil clowns, water boardin’, peep show torture with boobs, water filled cages, planned abductions, shitter dipped instructions, documentary tourists, broken noses, slit wrists, traumatic flashbacks, and abusive fathers! 3/5!
EYE OF THE BEAST (2007)
Dawson’s up shit creek as James Van Der Beek researches a fishin’ town’s lack of sea kittens and finds its waters inhabited by a giant killer squid capturin’ the locals for its own sea food. Overall, this is a pretty well made sea monster flick with beautiful scenery, a dynamic cast, and a story that mirrors Jaws without bein’ shamelessly blatant ’bout it. Only gripes I got with this tentacle terror is its lack of escalation and Van Der Beek not bein’ more lively with his performance as a stoic researcher. Squids vs boats, tourists snatched off beaches, seamen snatched off ships, tentacle fightin’, eye stabbin’, death by electricity, Native American tensions, and 10 reasons fishin’ is better than sex! 3/5!
Screaming Soup! 