Screaming Soup!

D – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

DAGON (2001)

Rough seas strand a young borin’ couple on a Spanish island of gill face fisherman who have a bad habit of rapin’, skinnin’, and sacrificin’ tourists in the name of their hungry squid god. Not a bad film by any means, givin’ us disturbin’ gore scenes, boobs, howlin’ hotties, and plenty of tentacle monsters, but I never feel truly grounded in the story. Mainly because I can’t connect with the hero who has ’bout zip personality and is too busy runnin’ from sea food the whole movie! Giant sea monsters, tentacles, fish family incest, monster rapes, severed arms and legs, bums with their faces peeled back, naked sacrifices, gutsy suicides, squid cults, lynch mobs, stabbings, the nastiest swirly ever captured on celluloid, shipwrecks, inky waters, head to toe barbecues, flesh suits, nasty motels, narc young’ns, and mermaid babes with tentacle legs! 4/5!

DAMNATION ALLEY (1977)

After World War III leaves America a nuclear wasteland, the remainin’ soldiers of a California missile base build themselves a G.I .Joe’s wet dream of an all terrain battle vehicle and bust ass through a mean stretch of mutant wildlife, hostiles, and disastrous weather to see if there’s any civilization left in New York. A wildly imaginative apocalyptic flick with one of sci-fi’s most memorable vehicles “The Landmaster,” this watches like a heavily condensed mini-series that speeds through alotta rough scenarios I’m sure would carry more impact if allowed to simmer a bit. Folks are killed off as quickly as they’re introduced, their replacements are half-hazardly brought ‘long fer the ride without a whole lotta regard fer safety precautions, there’s workin’ slot machines that defy the rules of nuclear aftermath, and the blue screen effects from big-ass bugs to tie-dye skies are pretty touch and go from beginnin’ to end, but it’s too fun of a ride not too enjoy! Big-ass scorpions, flesh eatin’ roaches, frisky hillbillies, rock throwin’ young’ns, junkyard disasters, nudie mag mishaps, human matchsticks, explodin’ bases, nuclear strikes galore, tornadoes, tsunamis, free floatin’ vehicles, fatal tumbles, and dirt bike stunts galore! 4/5! 

DANCE OF THE DEAD (2005)

In a dystopian future, an innocent waitress goes for a drug fueled ride on the wild side of town and is introduced to a club’s newest attraction that could tear her family apart – electrified zombie dancin’! One of Tobe Hooper’s last movies (kinda), this selection from the Masters of Horror series is an interestin’ watch, but does make me check my watch wonderin’ how much is left after awhile. The characters are engagin’, the threats of this apocalyptic world are wonderfully unpredictable, and Hooper injects it with alotta kinetic camerawork and angry tunes, it’s just that it spends most its runtime meanderin’ with weak set-ups for the semi-shockin’ twists at the end. Injections of druggie drool, headtrippin’ drugs, shotgun vappin’, aerosol inhalin’, cigarette burners to the neck, blood vomitin’, one armed waitresses, blood stealin’, bloodbag deals, dumpsters full of burnin’ bodies, girls drugged outta their minds, human traffickin’, birthday party casualties of war, skin meltin’ bio weapons, mamas on the warpath, burned beggars, and Robert Englund fondles some naked ladies! 3/5!

DANCE OF THE DEAD (2008)

A nuclear power plant accidentally unleashes an army of the runnin’ dead from a small town’s cemetery, and they’re attracted to all the racket at the high school prom where social outcasts serve as the students’ last line of defense. This zombie prom flick bites right out the gate! Like Class of Nuke ‘Em High slapped together with Return of the Living Dead II and Dead Alive, this little movie’s packed with fun characters, rockin’ tunes, outrageously undead moments, and successfully keeps the prom theme strong throughout. Only sours might be the filmmakers’ not exploitin’ some of a prom’s more memorable moments. Head smashin’, toxic sewers, zombies explodin’ out of the ground, severed hands, zombie transformations, zombie eatin’ zombie couple action, explosions, stoic gravediggers, bad ass gym coaches, zombie prom, rockin’ heroes soothin’ the feral undead, decapitations, joy ridin’ zombies, tongues bitten out, re-animated frogs, and gunfire! 5/5! 

THE DARK (1979)

Cops, reporters, and authors hunt the streets of LA for a killer who’s really a humanoid alien blowin’ people’s heads off with laser vision. Made for TV, this ain’t a bad flick so long as you don’t care the alien’s background, presence, and motive are never explained and explosions where people’s heads used to be is about as a gory as it gets. Good story flow, convincin’ mix of characters, and a unique story for sure. Fortune tellin’ crones, indoor hurricanes of the WTF variety, explodin’ heads, possible shapeshiftin’ aliens, head scratchin’ blindmen, and human and e.t. matchsticks! 3/5! 

THE DARK (1993)

Two movies collide over a corpse eatin’ rubber monster as a one night stand waitress joins a scientist biker on his race to a cemetery where he hopes to catch a underdwellin’ beast that’s terrorizin’ a couple of humorous gravediggers. Seriously, this could be completely split into either an action flick with the doctor blowin’ up diners and fightin’ ex-FBI agents for monster spit that can heal any wound, or a comedy with the gravediggers survivin’ a Tremors knock-off with the monster resemblin’ Theodore Rex in a werewolf costume. The most laughable thing, however, is a young Neve Campbell as the most unconvincin’ law official EVER committed to celluloid! Severed arms, explodin’ motorcycles, diner brawls, gunfights, bullets to the chest, giant mutant gophers, vanishin’ headstones, rope burns, underground chases, and folks yanked down into the ground! 3/5! 

THE DARK AND THE WICKED (2020)

Until a demonic force can claim the soul of an ol’ farmer in his death throes, it passes the time unnervin’ the geezer’s family and farmhands to some pretty grisly ends. One of ’em forebodin’ horrors stuck on low boil, this sucker looks great and features some decent actin’, but it completely loses me as far as its rinse, repeat plot’s concerned. Mainly thanks to the lack of backstory robbin’ everythin’ of meaningful context from the farmer’s bickerin’ offspring to the seemingly random demon I guess just wants to fuck with people. Possessions, chop suey fingers, suicidal hangin’s, farm animal massacres, naked floatin’ geezers, evil hallucinations, throat slittin’, eye gougin’, stabbin’s, holy rollers, and death beds! 2/5! 

THE DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT (1994)

A she-devil and her dog escape Hell to fall in love in Romania and become its unholy vigilantes evisceratin’ street crime with sites on the corrupt mayor. This is actually a very well made movie with commendable actors, nice gore, slick cinematography and lightin’, excellent score, and a solid script that delivers an all around entertainin’ flick! I would just like a bit more tension for the third act and bigger badder demon make-ups. Throat slittin’, impalements, tongue rippin’, ginger boobs, demonic drama, interdimensional mirrors, bubbly angels, stabbin’s, she-devil cat fights, gun shots to the back, loose teeth and fingernails, clueless cannibalism, porno theater dates, candle lit demon sex, crooked cops, spine rippin’, human leftovers, and an unharmed hell hound chowin’ down a diet of the damned! 4/5! 

DARK FLOORS (2008)

All ain’t what it seems when an elevator of strangers winds up in what looks like the Upside Down version of a Finnish hospital and run from the heavy metal monster band Lordi who’s after a handicap girl among them. In short, this flick looks great, but man oh man, the story don’t make a lick of sense! And that’s a real shame too, ’cause this has a nice ensemble of characters, an interestin’ enough premise, and cool lookin’ effects, but it doesn’t push the gore enough and never provides enough of an explanation for me to understand what’s even happenin’ and why. It’s like watchin’ a feature length music video without any lyrics! CGI shitstorms, leg clawin’, leg bitin’, morgues of the walkin’ dead, decomposin’ bums, huggin’ corpses, demands for red crayons, explodin’ MRIs, ghosts, ghoulish meals on a slab, future doppelgangers, grazed ears, tandem impalements, sandy corpses, parkin’ garage chases, glow in the dark young’ns, x-ray defenses, and reasons why not to sacrifice the handicap! 2/5!

DARK FOREST (2015)

A possessive boyfriend snaps after his girl joins her friends for a weekend camping trip and goes on a murder spree in the woods while huntin’ them down. An incredibly low budget film with no creativity behind it much less a script that makes sense, this is hardly a film I’d recommend wastin’ time and chump change on. The lightin’ is harsh, I don’t give a shit about the characters, zero tension with kills that put you to sleep, the slasher’s motivation to kill anyone and everyone after bein’ teased by girls made zip sense, and there’re different groups of campers who never interact which is a majorly missed opportunity the filmmakers should be ashamed of. This ain’t a bomb, but far from anything worth watchin’. 2/5!

DARK HOUSE (2014)

A hands on psychic inherits his family’s supernatural home and finds out it’s ground zero to the final fight between demons and synchronized swingin’ axe men led by Tobin Bell. The characters are convincin’, the story is unique, and the cinematography is stellar in this flick that has more than 1 or 10 allusions to Jeepers Creepers. The only thing I hate is how the story builds up to the big reveal of the mystery monster in the walls just to completely skip it! Skin peelin’ demons, flyin’ axes, offroad wrecks, cautious pregos, death visions, hangin’ trees, baby thievin’ demons, axe men armies, flyin’ monkey imitations, possessions, chest rippin’, axes in the back, hit and runovers, floodproof homes, yard fights, ventilated voices, demonic bangin’s, flamin’ facials, and biblical prophecies! 4/5!

DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1981)

After a gang of Southern hicks wrongfully lynch a mentally handicap man-boy, they find themselves bein’ stalked by an offscreen killer scarecrow. There ain’t boobs or that much blood in this TV movie, but it’s still a suspenseful film packed with compelling characters, a great story, and one of the eeriest shots of a sackhead ever captured on celluloid. Dog attacks, shotgun executions, murder cover-ups, exploding houses, disgruntled mailmen, grain burials, 2 for 1 graves, fatal freefalls, wood chipper deaths, corn field chases, impalements, and Halloween parties! 4/5!

A DARK PATH (2020)

Two sisters break down on a remote road in the wilds of Eastern Europe and encounter what looks like shit caked beasts in a disjointed series of ridiculous events. While the filmmakers’ manage to make me care’ bout the leads in this flick, it completely falls apart the second it jump cuts from bein’ a chick drama to a sad man’s creature feature full of pissin’ time and characters makin’ senseless decisions. Even worse — the story abruptly ends without any resolution as if the cast and crew even lost interest in what’s happenin’ and said “fuck-it!” Night vision runaround, monstrous dingle berry road hazards, vomitin’, amateur first aid, leg wounds, silly slappin’ deaths, and life threatenin’ help! 2/5!

THE DARK STRANGER (2015)

An emotionally interrupted artist might be slippin’ off the deep end when she thinks a dark entity from her new fantasy work is after her, but her worst fears prove true when she’s told it’s the jealous spirit of an artist who kills those with artwork better than his. A little more Lifetime family drama than I care for, this flick offers very little horror along with a miniscule body count. Rather than focusin’ on wilder ways for a creative girl to combat a surreal sequential villain, the filmmakers choose to jerk you around most the time with “is she/isn’t she crazy” tension, single parent struggles, and a girl’s fairy tale metaphor for expressin’ her trauma as a cutter copin’ with grief. In a nutshell, it has an emotional core which is important, but needed to weave a lot more imaginative horror through it. Art that grabs you by the throat, fantasy world of witches and goblins, body horror with pens fused to hands, bleedin’ artists, suspicious shrinks, stabbin’, jumps into fantasy dimensions, brothernapping, and worms for pills! 3/5! 

THE DARK TAPES (2017)

In this anthology of found footage terror that can be compared to the Twilight Zone, you’ve got 4 random shorts that spin some fairly impressive sci-fi/horror stories with twist endin’s Shamalamadingdong himself would be jealous of. The filmmakers sucker us into watchin’ all too familiar bits about haunted houses, faulty science experiments, seductive killers, and telekinetic freaks but successfully give them new spins that separate them from the beaten path. Impressive castin’, superb sound mixin’, top shelf ideas, and we gotta give a shout out to the gifted dude playin’ the homely chat room perv. Only thing I think is worth bitchin’ about is the lame monster voices, and the anti-climatic endin’ to the sex chat room short. Dreamy monsters, people cut in half, throats slit wide open, stabbin’s, rub-a-dub deaths, spooky balls, aliens, telekinetic 5-draw, attempted rape, acid ballons, landmine wake-up calls, reincarnations, flesh feasts, no boobs, and teasin’ lesbos! 3/5!

DARK TOWN (2004)

An abusive dad is attacked by a vampire before his birthday party and turns his whole family into bloodsuckers. With vindictive hoods invadin’ their home, a shunned lesbo daughter and a street smart fella must partner up to survive the night as vampirism spreads through their neighborhood like a disease. This has a couple of disturbin’ scenes in it like the dad yankin’ a stillborn out from between his daughter-in-law’s legs, but it’s just not all that interestin’ to sit through. I was able to fastforward through most of it and still follow everythin’ goin’ on. Lesbos between the sheets, urban vigilantes, bloody fetuses, dead cats, mentions of dead dogs, blood covered orgies over ghetto meals, chest carvin’, decapitations, impalements, vampires carryin’ their own heads around, she-vamps breast feedin’ blood to other gals, heart rippin’, shotguns to the chest, and the saddest line-up of boobs! 3/5! 

THE DARKNESS (2016)

When a boy finds Native American trinkets in a secret cave, Kevin Bacon’s dysfunctional family has their tolerance tested as a tribe of shadow furries run up their water bill, leave dirty handprints everywhere, and coerce his autistic son to commit some despicable acts. Everything’s better with Bacon, and the cast was on point, but the story, cinematography, and editing weren’t scary and failed to create tension. Bedrooms on fire, closet bulimics, ambush snakes, offscreen cat violence, Tupperware puke, attack dog wake-up calls, coyotes, crows, parental guidance practices, brothers vs sisters, Native American folklores, interdimensional travels, end of the world prophecies, supernatural cleaners, and no deaths or boobs! 3/5!

DASHCAM (2021)

When one of horror’s most insufferable last girls livestreams her reunion with an ol’ band member, the obnoxious rightwing rapper boosts her amigo’s DoorDash gig fer no great reason and gives a lift to a mysterious teenage granny whose bitin’ habits and loose bowels lead to regrettable consequences. With such an unlikable protagonist lackin’ any redeemin’ qualities, erratic action sequences, and zero explanation fer anythin’ goin’ on, this is a pretty frustratin’ found-footage flick to watch. There’s wince worthy special effects like a gal’s mangled arm caught in a steerin’ wheel, believable actin’, and a semi-impressive wrap-up when the last girl raps folks’ names in the end credits, but it ain’t ‘nough to make up fer all its tolerance testin’ sours. Newly wed car wrecks with air bag gags, explodin’ heads, mass suicides with explodin’ necks, creature crushin’, monstrous transformations, theme park chases, lotta car jackin’s, car wrecks galore, freestyle rappin’ galore, nods to COVID, high flyin’ geezers, backseat shittin’, bleedin’ mugs, explosions, human matchsticks, facial impalement, naked bicyclin’, and stapled lips! 2/5!

DAVE MADE A MAZE (2017)

Dave is an artist who’s inspired to build a cardboard maze full of booby traps in his livin’ room, but the maze takes on a life of its own with a big-ass Minotaur after him, and it’s up to his friends to rescue him from an arts and crafts death. I often steer clear of anythin’ released by Gravitas Ventures, because everythin’ they release is absolute shit, but this fantasy horror is the one exception. Full of characters worth rootin’ for in a famous Greek myth that’s turned on its head with cool new ways to mix fun and gore with cardboard, this gives horror fans a fun departure from formulaic slashers and booger beasts for what could be described as Pee-Wee’s Playhouse meets Dungeons & Dragons. Impalin’s, decapitations, yarn blood, slice ‘n dice deaths, cardboard vagina portals, paper dildos, origami birds, minotaurs, fists of cardboard, swordplay, evil high-fivin’ puppets, blanket defenses, paperbag doubles, mini-mazes inside mazes, giant hands, and the most heroic boom operator ever captured on celluloid! 4/5! 

DAWN OF THE BEAST (2021)

The filmmakers behind The Retreat recycle their Wendigo effects and stick him and his ghoul lookin’ lap dogs in Big Foot’s woods where they go Evil Dead on a house full of grad students hopin’ to spot the legendary squatch for a class assignment. First off, I dunno why this is called DAWN of the Beast, ’cause it’s anythin’ but an origin story. Second, if yer hopin’ for alotta Wendigo vs Big Foot action like I was, you’ll be sadly disappointed. Not only do these wilderbeasts have different plot lines that make it feel like I’m jumpin’ channels ‘tween two different movies, but when they do finally cross paths, it’s short lived and pathetically unimaginative. Arm rippin’, impaled faces, flesh eatin’, Deadite wannabes, disembowlin’, monstrous transformations, decapitations with shovels, singin’ heads, cursed necklaces, evil scribble books, and monster brawlin’! 2/5!

DAWN OF THE MUMMY (1981)

When the heist of an ancient Egyptian tomb is interrupted by a clueless photo shoot, the baffled grave robbers tolerate the cameras and super models for a few days while the world’s tallest pissed off mummy gathers his flesh hungry troops for eatin’ the trespassers’ guts. A bizarre but fun story that should really take place in a day versus the week it spreads over, this is easily one of the more fun mummy movies I’ve ever seen with a modest ‘mount of eye candy, quirky performances, and an all out gore endin’. Egyptian burial guttin’, oozin’ mummies, neck chompin’, eye gougin’, cleavers to the head, mummy sand traps, desert swimmin’ holes, explosions, mummy invasions, radiation burnt hands, cursed dust, decapitations, lyin’ corpses, folks crushed under tomb doors, treasure rooms, disembowelin’, and crazy hags who might be centuries old?! 3/5!

THE DAY (2011)

A roamin’ gang of post-apocalyptic survivors take shelter in an abandoned farm house that’s actually a trap set by cannibals and fight to stay off their menu while stressin’ over whether or not to trust the newest badass of their group who use to run with the hungry pack of meat lovers. This flick has a simple premise but is executed with a lot of gritty conviction. The writin’ subtly clues me in to what’s happened to the world and these folks with character buildin’ dialogue, everythin’s beautifully shot in thoughtful compositions of saturated light and shadows, and Ashley Bell’s performance as the stoic warrior chick with a flesh eatin’ past is powerful ‘nough to believe she was snubbed for any and all actin’ awards the year this was released. Booby trapped basements, impalement galore, spikes through the chest, decapitations, heads mounted on sticks, young’ns shot in the face, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, bullets to the head, family abductions, leg carvin’, killer kids, women gettin’ punched all to hell, and shoot-outs galore! 4/5! 

DAY OF RECKONING (2016)

The world is ready for a second attack by shitty cartoon pterodactyls and skinless critters stampeding from below the Earth’s surface like extras called to the Lord of the Rings set, but still get caught with their pants down, leaving one family fighting for survival during this invasion with a curfew. This isn’t a bad story overall, and I like how the filmmakers kept the story moving with some surprise actors popping in (Barbara Crampton and Raymond Barry), but the cheap CGI was horribly distracting, some character motivations didn’t make a lot of sense (like a soldier taking people hostage after they give him shelter), and I’m not entirely sure telling the story of the 2nd monster/demon/whatever invasion really added anything to the story because everybody was about as clueless as they would have been during the first attack 15 yrs prior! Skate park boogie, high school romances, mutating monster bites, useless bunkers, Supernatural salt fightin’ tactics, Doom-inspired monsters, bitchy ex-wives, fist fights for driving shotgun, and dead possums. 2/5!

DAY SHIFT (2022)

In this buddy horror comedy from Netflix, a pool cleanin’ vampire killer needs sustainable income to keep his ex from leavin’ town with their daughter, so he’s forced to make ammends with his monster huntin’ union fer a regular paycheck stakin’ fangers while bein’ closely monitored by a pants wettin’ pencil pusher. A valiant effort in deliverin’ a fast pace flick full o’ likable characters with some never-before-seen vampire action that’s sure to make even contortionists cringe, this is an overall fun watch thanks to so many enjoyable performances that includes Snoop Dogg as a scene stealin’ obliterator of the supernatural. The only sours keepin’ this from bein’ a great watch is the story’s avoidance of gettin’ inside anyone’s head or takin’ time to truly develop meaningful relationships, and choosin’ to leap frog from one head snappin’ fight scene to the next ‘stead. It also doesn’t help the head fanger is so poorly written with too few interactions with Jamie, makin’ fer a pretty lackluster finale. Stabbin’ galore, blood slurpin’, decapitations, talkin’ heads, vampire hierarchies without alotta explanation, weaponized silver floss, vampire nest massacres, bowlin’ alley brawls, explosions, car chases, car wrecks, dumbass bikers, fang yankin’, pawnin’, and hand impalin’! 3/5! 

DEAD ALIVE aka BRAINDEAD (1992)

When a fella’s domineerin’ mama’s bitten by a stop-motion jungle critter, she becomes patient zero for the goriest zombie epidemic ever committed to celluloid, and he’s determined to keep it under wraps no matter how dismal things get. Peter Jackson’s last great hurrah into low budget horror ‘fore he went Hollywood, this is full throttle splatter at its best with an onslaught of practical effects, wacky characters, and a mean streak of slapstick humor. It’s the perfect gore-ffet to dare even the most weathered horror fan to watch while eatin’ a pizza, and keep their drink from shootin’ out their nose holes from laughter. Macheted arms, stop-motion rat monkeys, zoo animal bites, crushed critter heads, ear eatin’, dog scarfin’, zombies bumpin’ uglies, super fast zombie births, zombie babies in blenders, impalin’ galore, stabbin’ galore, monstrous transformations, kung-fu priests, roof top boss battles, light up noggins, head splittin’, lawncare defenses, bisected zombies, intestine creatures, blood sprays galore, animal tranqued dead, roadkill mamas, grave urinatin’, lip rippin’ kisses, house fires, and belly monster traps! 5/5! 

DEAD ANT (2017)

Has-been rockers needin’ a comeback trip balls on some dangerous peyote in the desert that brings ’em so in-tune with Native American stompin’ grounds, they inadvertently piss off a colony of CGI ants that grow bigger with every vicious attack. A fun big-ass bug comedy with a modest ‘mount of gore, there ain’t too many likable characters worth rootin’ for and the endin’s pretty predictable, but the pace is great, the humor’s consistent, the hair metal soundtrack’s decent, and there’s a nice mix of distinctive talents to keep things interestin’. Severed hands, midget sidekicks, rock’n roll versus cartoons, desert concerts, full frontal openin’ acts, pissin’ on talkin’ ants, flamethrowin’ aerosol cans, explodin’ cars, last stands in an Airstream, ripped apart roadies, explodin’ arrows, rock concert massacres, and human buffets for ants! 4/5! 

THE DEAD DON’T DIE (2019)

In this solemn comedy that reminds me of a Wes Anderson flick, polar fracking has thrown the Earth off its axis, and toxic lunar light is re-animatin’ the dead of a one-diner town with police chief Bill Murray and his deadpan police station as its only protection. If ya like yer zombies slow, Scream Freaks, then this is the feet draggin’ indie flick for you where even the victims refuse to move beyond a brisk walk. With as much excitement as a rockin’ chair, this flick doesn’t go to the trouble of developin’ any characters or plot, and ixnays any blood ‘n gore for CGI dust, but manages to keep my attention with a magnetic cast of Oscar-worthy actors meanderin’ through the nearly two-hour runtime. Meta filmmakin’, decapitations galore, hermit spies, skinned squirrels, diner massacres, flesh eatin’, last stand hardware stores, UFO escapes, Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid showdowns, Night of the Living Dead nods, Ghoulardi Easter eggs, explodin’ heads, shotguns to the face, theme songs to the max, drive-by beheadings, and vomittin’! 3/5! 

DEAD END (2003)

It’s an all too obvious holiday road to hell as a ramblin’ family jingle bell rots their way down an endless road after a smash-up and gets picked off by a mysterious hearse and a milf in white. This Christmas flick lacks a lot of tension given I see the twist endin’ comin’ as soon as the movie starts, but luckily this lukewarm story doesn’t put ya to sleep thanks to Ray Wise and Lin Shaye’s engagin’ performances as the fragile parents tryin’ to keep it together. Vomittin’, fucked up babies, lips bitten off, chronic masterbatin’ in the woods, head wounds, kidnappin’s, weak payoffs, ghostly asses, nude pin-ups, mutilated bodies off screen, and car wrecks! 3/5! 

DEAD END DRIVE-IN (1986)

In the near apocalyptic future of Australia, a young hot wheelin’ couple are tricked into attending a drive-in theater that doubles as a concentration camp for punk youths the government see fit to corral. Refusin’ to live a life of junk food, bad movies, and new wave music, our hero, Crabs, turns this story into Mad Max meets The Great Escape as he goes all Steve McQueen and plots his escape from this rather lax prison. If you enjoy the punk scene with its crazy attire and attitude, then you’ll get a charge out of this literal teenage wasteland from the ’80s. Only flaw I can really find is it doesn’t feel like there’s enough of a payoff at the end with Crabs defeating anybody you can’t wait to see beaten. Also didn’t feel like the drive-in wasn’t played up enough. Bangin’ in ’50s Chevys, burger joints, racial tensions, fightin’ for auto parts, red asphalt, joggin’, free drugs, drive-in car stunts, drive-in brawls, stripped cars, 15 minutes of tow-truck fame, grand theft autos, gas syphoning, new hairdos, shiny boobs, auto ambushes, electric fences, gunfights, and airborne vehicles! 3/5! 

THE DEAD HATE THE LIVING (2000)

A gang of aspirin’ filmmakers go all guerilla in an abandon hospital for their indie horror flick and accidentally open a portal to an undead dimension with experimental equipment left by a twisted scientist. I really dig this Full Moon flick from its fully developed script and engagin’ actors to its rockin’ soundtrack and splatter gore! While there’s obvious tributes to particular horror masters and their masterpieces throughout the film, you’ll also feel influences from Event Horizon, Hellraiser, Re-Animator, and The Beyond as well. Undead make-out sessions, unique lookin’ zombies, coffin contraptions, evil scientists, interdimensional travel, zombie armies, impalements, stabbin’s, found footage, undead transformations, dummy head humpin’, lessons for why you shouldn’t film with real corpses, fart bag stiffs, jerk-off cashiers, bloodfalls, gut wrenchin’ punches, chainsaw fightin’, machete fightin’, zombie cosplay, and fake fires! 4/5!

DEAD MARY (2007)

A troubled gang of cheatin’ 30 somethin’s spend a weekend sulkin’ at a remote cabin, and one of them suggests they play Bloody Mary – I mean- Dead Mary, a game that releases some unexplainable evil that turns them into gossipin’ corpses with Wolverine powers. Kinda like Evil Dead meets The Thing, the biggest sour of this flick is how vague the threat is, ’cause we never get into what it is or where it’s comin’ from which leaves me more confused than scared. And what’s this witch’s/alien’s/demon’s goal anyway? Creatin’ social turmoil by rattin’ out all the cheatin’ spouses in the group? I mean it doesn’t do much else, but sure gets the shit beat out of it for it. At least the filmmakers manage to deliver top notch effects and cinematography. It’s just unfortunate it had to be with actors with ’bout as much charisma as a table read, headed by a last girl whose screen presence couldn’t even carry an openin’ scene. Zero boobs, young’n games with mirrors, human matchsticks offscreen, folks who look like somethin’ chewed them up and spit ’em out, garden tools to the face and gut, and cat fights! 2/5!

THE DEAD MATTER (2010)

A yahoo plays séance in the woods with her friends and finds an amulet that lets her play Simon says with zombies and lunch meats. In the meantime, there’s a sillier story in the background with vampires wantin’ the amulet while plottin’ a pharmaceutical scheme involvin’ bloodsuckin’ junkies and daywalkin’ cures. This respectable cheapie has promise with interestin’ ideas and recognizable talent supportin’ it, but is nothin’ more than a lackluster fizzle. The core actors are lukewarm, the title’s stupid, a bad wig distracts from Andrew Divoff’s performance, Robert Kurtzman’s effects leave a lot of gore to be desired, and the pacin’ is just a snooze. The music and lighting department are the biggest stars of this fang flick. Cursed tit jobs, jaw rippin’, vamps with smoke powers, deodorant eatin’, zombie invasions, vamps shootin’ up, fridge of the livin’ lunch meats, stakes for every occasion, spell books, magical jewelry, digital mojo, neck breakin’, and cameos by horror host Count Gore De Vol and special effects legend Tom Savini with a redhead henchwench! 2/5! 

DEAD NIGHT (2017)

A family heads to a snowy mountain cabin for spring break and gets a surprise visit from a deliciously evil Barbara Crampton who turns them into Evil Dead kinda zombies to help get cable thievin’ witches into the White House. Sound confusin’ enough? This flick looks great, and Barbara gives the most magnetic performance of her career, but the story just gets too convoluted with questionable character motivations and lack of details needed to understand and appreciate the smaller picture. What exactly does this ritual do for the witches and how does it help solidify their political footin’? Not to mention, the scene transitions lack finesse, the edits sometimes make the actin’ really awkward, and this whole artsy fartsy idea of spoilin’ the endin’ with intermittent true crime shows and political commercials robs the whole movie of its tension. Head choppin, possessions, monstrous transformations, magic cable TV rocks with future programmin’, stabbin’s, human bon fires, severed ears, ax swingin’, switcheroo psyche out kills, bedsheet covens, and Barbara Crampton eatin’ spaghetti! 2/5!

DEAD RINGERS (1988)

Twin gynecologists have their symbiotic groove thrown off by work promotions and a mutant actress with three cervixes which results in their self-destructive spiral into an emotional mess of drug addiction. This David Cronenberg directed flick makes a lot of scary movie lists, but there’s barely a blip of horror in this schmancy analyses of obsessive doppelgangers that’s seemingly made for a very specific audience I must not be a member of. Jeremy Irons gives an Oscar worthy performance as a sole actor playin’ his own co-star, and Cronenberg delivers some high-brow cinematography, but I fail to grasp the film’s overall message or its intent. Boobs, nip slips, slurred speeches, radical OB/GYN tools that never really get used, medical bondage sex, pill poppin’ galore, switcheroo sex, fatal dissections, and body horror nightmare sequences! 3/5! 

DEAD SEA (2014)

A marine scientist begrudgingly returns to her hometown to investigate a nasty set of chompers that returns every thirty years or so to gobble up swimmers in a waterhole and ain’t too happy when the locals decide sacrificin’ her will help ’em be rid of it. This low budget creature feature is a narrative mess that’s riddled with plot holes, forced expositions, and character developments that are all outta order. If the monster just needs to eat one townie to go away, then why are all these toss away characters bein’ fed to it? If the sacrifices mean prosperity for the town, then why does it look like a dilapidated shithole since the last time it ate? This ain’t a coastal town dependent on the lake or whatever, so why don’t folks just stay outta the water when the monster’s ’round? This flick’s only savin’ grace is some of its actin’, and the surprisingly effective underwater scenes with the creature that’re too few and far ‘tween for my entertainment. Dead fish galore, booze cruise massacres, jelly covered faces, unnecessary war scenes in Afghanistan, side boobs, semi-confusin’ time jumps, bullets to the leg and face, daddy’s girl melodrama, and head pummelin’! 2/5!

DEAD SHACK (2017)

A middle class family takes their plus one with them on a cheap cabin vacation, but things go Fright Night when the young’ns spy on the armored milf next door and catch her feedin’ horn dogs to her zombie family. This dark comedy offers plenty of laughs with its character buildin’ banter but could stand to step up the gore to make it more memorable as a horror flick. Stylish camerawork, heroes worth rootin’ for, and a good time overall with some of the best drunk actin’ ever committed to celluloid. Roofie cocktails, axes to the shoulder, rat snacks, flesh eatin’, head bashin’, squashed heads, shotguns to the chest, zombie transformations, Evil Dead nods, Road Warrior zombie armor! 3/5!

DEAD SQUAD: TEMPLE OF THE UNDEAD (2018)

A gang of white water rafters take a forbidden detour through remote jungle and end up stranded at a secret temple full of horny zombie leftovers from Nazi experiments. A simple ‘nough plot without much story to get in the way, this ain’t high brow horror or all that original to be brutally honest, but its fast pace, tongue in cheek antics, and gore-tastic effects are alotta fun and keep me glued to the screen from beginnin’ to end credits with its wild mash-up of monsters. If only the filmmakers had fleshed their victims out to be more than parodied horror tropes, this could’ve been a real cult film contender ‘stead of a feature length demo reel for some very talented make-up artists. Flesh eatin’, boobs, dog purses, noggin’ impalement, giant syringes, stabbin’s, mad scientists, body bag dates, undead blowjobs, decapitations, trigger happy action, super healin’, blood spewin’, spine rippin’, torso tunnelin’ bullets, kung-fu action, and zombie dwarf whoopin’! 3/5! 

THE DEAD WANT WOMEN (2012)

Babe-alicious realtors clean up a high rollin’ Hollywood mansion for a potential buyer and find out they’ve been duped by the residential haunts, a posse of silent movie star ghosts wantin’ women for demented pleasure and possession. This Full Moon flick has a lot goin’ for it as far as convincin’ actors and crisp cinematography with top notch sets, but the ghosts’ make-up looks like it’s bought off the shelf at Party City, and the story’s a little thin for my taste. Most memorable parts are Eric Roberts playin’ an orgy cowboy and folks’ heads blowin’ up like they’re in a Tarantino film. Genre mashin’ orgies, cursed necklaces, two naked flapper girls, slit throats, suicidal stars, letters from the dead, possessions, ecto-booty call, dry humpin’, pussy cat pettin’, ecto-knife fights, ecto-fast draws, and ghost boobs! 3/5!

DEADCON (2019)

Somethin’ bad happened at a hotel in 1984 involvin’ a computer nerd’s failed social network program, a missin’ young’n named Bobby, and a closet full of bodies, and it’s anyone’s guess how they all fit together. Decades later, the same hotel’s hostin’ a social media convention, and its star guests are bein’ slow burn haunted by little Bobby’s ghost ’til they’re all dead without a single hint for why or how any of this is happenin’. Deadcon is a very frustratin’ movie with a slow-ass pace, blah actin’, and only a milli-second of creepy lookin’ visuals here and there. Only thin’ worth seein’ is the one yahoo gettin’ killed by a balloon! Possessions, kidnapped young’ns we never see ‘gain, slit throats, bed jumpin’ boos, folks flung ‘cross the room, raves, knock-knock ditch, and peepin’ tom ghosts! 2/5! 

DEADLINE (1984)

A popular horror writer with similarities to Stephen King is under the gun to write the next schlock disasterpiece for a movie studio while punks trash his writing, his spiteful wife gets hooked on booger sugar, and his attention starved kids start dyin’ off playing games of hangman. More drama than horror, this is really a depressing look at a work obsessed writer who ultimately fails to redeem himself as a family man and writer that’s periodically interrupted by moments of gore from his stories and imagination. Severed limbs, grinder deaths, literal bloodbaths, hangin’ executions, kiddie death, cannibalistic nuns, deadly births, Nazi rockers jammin’ street trash to death, hooker rage, and epic fail orgies. 2/5!

DEADLY DESCENT aka YETI aka ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN (2013)

After a loyal friend loses his mountain climbin’ buddy to a yeti in the snow capped mountains, he embarks on a one man rescue mission that results in his own search party lead by his ol’ military unit. Stuck on the mountain, this militant gang of firearm packin’ skiers and snowboarders must defend themselves against CGI beasts and avalanches. This TV-flick ain’t the worst thing from the SyFy channel, but it’s far from a winner. I’m just thankful it’s watchable, offers plenty of tolerable characters, and isn’t super saturated of color like so many of SyFy’s productions. Busty barmaids, G.I.Janes, avalanches, yeti ambushes, slashin’, snowboardin’, skiin’, last stand cabins, and Highlander helicopters! 3/5! 

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

When neighborhood violence robs a whiz kid of his home built robot on Halloween and girl next door hottie on Thanksgivin’, he decides to bring them both back at the same time for an early Christmas. Implanting his robot’s microchip in Kristy Swanson’s brain, the nerd turned Frankenstein tries hidin’ his weird science experiment from mom, but Kristy-Bot’s itchin’ to settle a score with its killers. This flick boasts one of the most laughable stories I’ve ever seen come out of the ‘80s, but it has this undeniably quirky charm that’s no doubt thanks to director Wes Craven’s serious approach to the content. That intent could be argued, however, when you see Kristy’s robotic actin’ with robo babble and Spock hands. Airborne bikers through windshields, robots crushin’ crotches, corpse stealin’, crispy furnace deaths, explodin’ heads, yard invadin’ robots gunned down, near fatal falls down the stairs, roofied moms, Wes Craven nightmare sequences, abusive drunks, and WTF endin’s! 4/5!

DEADLY MANOR (1990)

A milk toast gang of friends take an unexpected detour on their way to an elusive lake to crash at what they assume is an abandoned manor in the mountains for the night, but they learn soon ‘nough they’re trespassin’ on some deformed biker hatin’ psycho’s property who’d sooner kill ’em than ask ’em to git. Plenty of good set-up here fer a decent slasher flick, but the perfomances are terribly wooden, there’s little to no tension with the story takin’ its sweet time rampin’ up to anythin’, and once the killer jumps into action, their moment to shine is cheated by alotta bland flash in the pan kills viewers could miss blinkin’ at the wrong time. An okay passtime for moderate hecklin’, car wreck memorials, but nothin’ special. Stabbin’s, throat slittin’, masked slashers, full frontal corpses, hitch hikin’, bodies in the walls, blunt eatin’, nude photo shrines, and wet dreams with boobs! 2/5! 

THE DEADLY MANTIS (1957)

A 200 ft. prehistoric mantis is freed from the artic ice and sets a flight plan for the equator, terrorizing Washington, D.C. and New York along the way. Almost as good as Them! but a little more reminiscent of The Giant Claw with the acting and special effects. Model plans get smashed, bugs sound like dino lions, Eskimos are stuck on fastforward, the Washington Monument gets infested, the stiffest acting is the rod puppet mantis, and everything’s wrapped up with a bad-ass flamethrowing battle with the military in the Manhattan Tunnel. 4/5!

DEADLY SWARM aka SWARM aka ANTS ON A PLANE aka DESTINATION: INFESTATION (2007)

Folks flyin’ to the states from South America get majorly grossed out when a fellow passenger bursts open with genetically enhanced bullet ants, and it’s up to the air marshal and an emotionally dead milf to save the day with fire extinguishers. The biggest thin’ I find wrong with this TV movie (other than it’s by the Ruin My Lifetime Network) is everyone havin’ vastly different reactions to the threat of the ants. The passengers loose their shit anytime they see a creepy crawly, the heroes practically stand on top of ground zero for all the bug activity without a lick of concern, and air officials on the ground are like, “You got folks droppin’ dead from ants on the plane? Grab a jar of peanut butter and keep to your flight schedule.” Most bafflin’ scene is when bystanders shove a swarmed passenger back in the restroom to die after they just saved the pilot from a similar attack. Ants crawlin’ out of every hole in a person’s head, chest burstin’ ants, explodin’ planes, flare gun attacks, disruptive drunks, ambush ants, baby sacrificin’ strategies, and a dog you never see ’til the very end who the heroes adopt without stoppin’ to ask whose it is! 3/5!

DEADLY WEAPON (1989)

After life hands 15 year old Zeke a truckload of shit kickin’ lemons from class bullies to drunken parents knockin’ him around, he finds an experimental laser tag weapon that allows him to get even while livin’ out a deluded fantasy he’s a displaced e.t. The unofficial sequel to Laserblast, this follows the same plot as the original but ixnays all the alien stuff in favor of a more grounded story on a tighter budget with fewer scenes of mass destruction. It’s a lost gem only diehard fans of ’80s trash would truly enjoy, but all I have to bitch about is the inconsistency with the laser’s power, and the lead (Billy from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors) leaves a lot to be desired in the actin’ department. Explodin’ cars, human matchsticks, philosophical jumbo in the third person, homerun dead dogs, arcade machines MacGuyvered into hostage restraints, zapped priests, four people stuffed in a trunk, fuedin’ brass, politically incorrect principles, bad girl sidekicks, and explodin’ buildin’s! 2/5!

DEADSTREAM (2022)

To revive his career as a web personality, a disgraced livestreamer dares viewers to tune in as he strands himself fer the night in a reportedly haunted dump in the boonies where he learns soon ‘nough there really is a murderous poet’s ghost lurkin’ ’round with the deformed spirits of her victims. I almost passed this up due to its its all too familiar found footage plot, but Deadstream is an oddball collection of new spun tropes and mish mash concepts that manage to take me for one helluva laugh filled ride. It’s like watchin’ Scream‘s Dewey match wits with Real Ghostbusters monsters in an Evil Dead 2 house! The only sours that give me pause (but really just end up bein’ sweets given how silly this all is) are these century ol’ ghosts knowin’ what the internet and livestreamin’ are, and the idea someone can stick a GoPro on a ghost’s head. Our kind of outrageous lunacy! Hangin’ ladies, corner scares, possible snakemen, rub-a-dub dead, freaky conjoined twins, potato gun defenses, severed digits, spellcastin’, audience tidbits, cameras galore, leg gashes, supernatural psych-outs, neck bitin’, secret basements, seances, POVs to hell, gappin’ chest slidin’ ghouls, bad idea spinners, and gnarly fingers up the nose! 4/5!

DEADTECTIVES (2018)

Bogus ghost hunters on the verge of their TV show bein’ canceled have to save their careers with an investigation at an infamous casa where a Scooby-Doo lookin’ spook ain’t just real . . . he’s pissed and droppin’ folks and ghosts alike! While yahoos confrontin’ forces they never believed in is far from a new concept, this flick’s spin on that tried and true story formula feels fresh and charmin’ thanks to its humorous ensemble of spirit chasers who genuinely click on screen as laughable characters I can root for. Among so many sweets from the actin’ and special effects to the purchase worthy score, the only sour that rubs me wrong is the filmmakers’ fleetin’ flirtation with knockin’-off ‘nother comedy ’bout spectral extermination. Ghosts slashin’ ghosts, spooky young’ns, bouncy ball Q&A, voice distorters, prank scares, evisceration, bed sheet ghosts, possessions, pea soup pukin’ galore, EMF devices, rigged haunts, slit throats, ecto-goggles, EVP playbacks, tunnels of light, undead Sushi chef gangs, supernatural phasin’, and a Ghostbusters wannabe scene Dan Akroyd might sue someone over! 4/5! 

DEATH FROM BEYOND (2006)

In this 37 minute Z-grade short that feels feature length, an easy on the eyes bookworm is eager to break into the porn biz with her friends, but her debut skin flick is interrupted when a supernatural Egyptian hottie drops in to feed off their sexual energies before slayin’ them. Aside from zero budget, so-so actin’, and gag shop props, my biggest issue with this shit is it’s about people makin’ a porno, and we don’t even get as much as a nip slip! Sure, we get more than one scene with some bump and grind, but the talents always covered up and just leaves me feelin’ cheated. Even the Egyptian entity was gettin’ pissed at times and yellin’ at people to do it! A likeable character or two, decent green screen expositions, sword fightin’ cosplay finales in a field, and some pretty girls, but you ain’t missin’ anythin’ skippin’ this one man crew’s attempt at cinematic greatness. 2/5!

DEATH HOUSE (2017)

From what I can figure out watchin’ this shitstorm, there’s an hush hush underground super prison packed with the world’s most evil bein’s, someone engineers a prison break, and fresh fish Kane Hodder leads an army of forgettable extras to meet the baddest super villains of them all in the pit of the facility while two agents we don’t give a damn ’bout fight to escape the chaos. Dubbed the Expendables of horror with a butt load of recognizable actors from everyone’s favorite horror movies, this mess doesn’t just fall short of the hype surroundin’ it – it belly flops in the shallow end of WTF! For all its efforts, this problematic flick feels like it was abandoned after the filmmakers took their first swing at a rough cut with run on scenes, criminally underdeveloped characters, a scattered script, confusin’ action, a non-existent score, and shoddy effects that include a lot of green screen misfires. Most these sours can be overlooked so long as the movie’s entertainin’, but the poor storytellin’ and shitty editin’ robbed it of that. Legion of Doom clubs in the basement, rigged prison cuffs, dislocated faces, finger lickin’ good oil, boobs for the sake of it, awkward shower scenes, VR Matrix twists that don’t pay off, female Leatherfaces, elevator zoomin’ shootin’ range, disembowelment, gases that roast ya from the inside out, crucified devil impersonators, electrified ghost whips, stabbin’s, extreme attempted rape, autopsy sabotage, throat cuttin’, gunfights, decapitations, and one good scene with a pack skinned cannibals with a microphone! 2/5!

DEATH MASK (1998)

A mildly scarred carnie sells his soul to a swamp witch so he can carve the world’s most beautiful mask for his sideshow attraction, but his twisted folk art becomes a magic weapon that makes ass-holes kill themselves if they look into its eyes when he’s wearin’ it. The story’s interestin’ enough with a kind of Tales From the Crypt vibe to it, but it has some of the most abrupt transitions I’ve ever seen, a confusin’ montage of the whole movie at the very beginnin’, and the carnie’s burn scars need to be waaay worse to warrant the disgusted reactions people have. Overall worth a watch, especially with Linnea Quigley as the carnie’s romantic co-star which proves to be one of her best performances. Swamp witches, stabbin’s, chicken munchin’ geeks, dancin’ snake charmers, pickled skulls, whore houses, killer feng shui, bar bullies, death beds, trailer trash Romeos, hauntin’ clowns, grilled young’ns, gloomy fortune tellers with tilted hairdos, and Linnea Quigley’s boobs in the shower . . . TWICE!! 3/5!

DEATH NOTE (2017)

A notebook full of magical hit lists lands in a high schooler’s lap and gives him power over a cynical death god who kills anyone whose name is written in the book. Wantin’ to be more of a superhero than a horror villain, he sets out to abolish the world’s worst criminals, but things get complicated when super sleuth ninjas and suspicious skirts come after him. Without any knowledge of the manga, anime, or previous film adaptations, I felt this was really good for a stand alone film. Grippin’ tension, cool soundtrack, memorable characters, and fun cinematography that’s never borin’ to look at. Only complaint would be how the filmmakers breezed over the hero’s love life which robs the endin’ of its impact. Decapitations, fatal freefalls, hit and runovers, 400 supernatural assassinations, firin’ squad executions, Ferris wheel chaos, and rules, rules, rules! 4/5!

DEATH OF A VLOGGER (2019)

A vlogger’s show booms after he supposedly films a ghost in his apartment, but skeptics turn the internet ‘gainst him and his hoax of a ghost huntin’ partner which sends him on a depressin’ flip-flop quest to redeem himself on the web. This found footage flick starts off decent ‘nough as a cheap horror with promise, but goes downhill fast. The biggest reason bein’ its constant ping-pongin’ back and forth ‘tween the ghost bein’ legit or fake, and when the lead dweeb really believes in it or not which makes his journey too confusin’ to follow much less invest in. Writin’ on walls, movin’ objects, seances, spooky ladies, paranormal debunkers, suicide watches, and internet haters! 2/5!

DEATH RACE 2050 (2017)

In the future, the United Corporations of America’s favorite pastime is the Death Race, a 3-day cross-country sport with 5 eccentric drivers scorin’ as many points as they can runnin’ people over. But there’s a resistance risin’ to end the blood sport and have planted an assassin in the car with the Death Race’s most dangerous driver, Frankenstein. A truer remake to the original than Jason Statham’s version, this flick recaptures the zany balance between absurd violence and dark humor that made Death Race 2000 such a classic. I’m not too thrilled about the car designs or the lack of mystery around Frankenstein, but love the new characters like a technosexual driver with her A.I. car, the maps of the new American countryside, and think this has the best ending of all the Death Race films! Ninjas, Mad Max-like warriors, sex with 500 men, genetic perfection, killer tunes, harpoonin’, drives off cliffs, BDSM, robotic hands, car to car combat, hick resistance, VR cams, terrorists acts, and explosives! 4/5!  

DEATH SCREAMS (1982)

In this Dazed and Confused meets the slasher genre, a gang of small town yokel youths hang out in the woods after a day at the carnival and are attacked by a killer with no understandable motive. An overall fun look at small town livin’ back in the day, the horror elements feel like an afterthought that get thrown in from time to time. Bodies floating merrily down the stream, skinny dippin’, decapitations, merry go dies, old cranks, base stealin’ simpletons, scary stories in the cemetery, arrows in the back, plastic bag suffocations, head explosions, and none of the horror happens at the carnival! 2/5!

DEATH SHIP (1980)

World War II’s been over for 35 years, but ghost nazis are still patrollin’ the Atlantic with a monstrous freighter they love rammin’ booze cruises with. Their latest sink and destroy mission, however, leaves survivors with no other choice but to board their haunted house of the sea. This flick excels at maintainin’ an eerie atmosphere with moments that instill an abysmal sense of hopelessness, but it’s essentially a snooze thanks to invisible ghosts and a meanderin’ story. Could be more excitin’ if more was done with the disgruntled captain who falls under the ghosts’ influence. Undertow drownin’s, near fatal freefalls, blood spewin’ showers with boobs, supernatural possessions, disfigurin’ peppermints, Nazi movie-night, freezers full of bodies, tortured stiffs, evil anchors, fatal catches of the day, disembodied German shoutin’, sludge baths, and George Kennedy continues the B-movie tradition of girl carryin’ monsters! 2/5!

DEATH SPA (1989)

A high-tech health club has its computer system hacked by the ghost of the owner’s suicidal wife, and she attacks its gym rats with every kind of workout equipment to express her discontent over her husband jumpin’ back in the datin’ game. This is 1980s horror gold here, Scream Freaks! The story’s different from most supernatural terrors, there’s notable so-bad-it’s-good moments like the spiritual tug-o-war at the end, gore galore, and lots of hard pumpin’ eye candy. The story gets a little convoluted with some unnecessary subplots, but this is still a perfect cheesefest for nostalgic horror fans. Possessed computers, burnin’ saunas, muscle tearin’ work-outs, boobs, blind babes, Mardi Gras massacres, flyin’ killer fish, siblin’ timeshare, steamed bimbos, cross-dressin’, sabotaged dives, crippled human matchsticks, tannin’ bed traps, asparagus foreplay, explodin’ hands, crazed blenders, and electrocutions! 4/5!

DEATHBED (2002)

An artistic couple move into a new loft and fulfill some BDSM fantasies after findin’ a fancy bed in a locked room. Before long, they find out the bed is haunted, and their sex drive is influenced by a decades old serial killer lookin’ for a way back from the afterlife. It’s almost like someone challenged the filmmakers to make a movie with a bed as their only prop and succesfully pull it off! Convincin’ characters, hot bangin’ between the sheets, believable sequence of events, and smart use of a few practical effects for maximum impact. Only flaw I can think of is how exactly the killer haunts the bed, because it’s not clear that’s where he died or that the vixen he kills in it was even his last victim. Awkward maternal models, blackout sketchin’, comic relief birds, possessions, head bashin’, spirit photography, gumshoe researchin’, stranglin’s, mirror worlds, ghostly visions, ghost boobs, hypnosis, rubber room rape, and Joe Esteves as the landlord! 3/5!

DEATHCEMBER (2019)

An Advent calendar themed anthology, this holiday horror is a smorgasbord of death and destruction told over 24 random Christmas shorts from all ’round the globe with no narrative ties. Some are nicely contained tales of festive fear. Most are underdeveloped ideas without ‘nough context to be entertainin’.  Others feel like Christmas was an afterthought the filmmakers shoehorned in to meet the theme of the movie. Surprisingly, the best and worst shorts fer me are both sci-fi. I enjoy “Cracker” for its grippin’ tension, engagin’ reveals, and quick and easy explanation fer why folks’ heads are blowin’ up at the dinner table, and I hate “Aurora” fer bein’ the least Christmas of the bunch with some convoluted plot involvin’ a girl suffocatin’ in the future from spores or somethin’. Worth a see, but no chance of becomin’ a holiday tradition. Jewel heistin’ Santas, killer Santa squatters, two-fisted Santas, reindeer rescues, explodin’ heads, suffocatin’, dead girl dolls, ear bitin’, cursed reports, fatal freefalls, stabbin’s galore, retail rage, dick stabbin’s, kidnappin’s, mutant deer POVs, belly beast swappin’, and hunchbacks burned at the stake! 3/5! 

DEATHGASM (2015)

Throw Evil Dead and Bill and Ted in a blender, and you get metalheads playing forbidden music that conjures an ancient blind demon wanting to rule the world. Practical gore, dynamic characters, kinetic editing, 1 part boobs to 10 parts dick (one pantsless bastard getting his wiener whacked), evil organizations, and a hard hitting soundtrack. Lives up to the hype. 5/5!

 

DEATHLY HALLOWEEN aka GRAVE HALLOWEEN aka THE SUICIDE FOREST (2013)

A gang of student filmmakers spend Halloween in Japan’s infamous Suicide Forest and document a classmate’s search fer answers ’bout her dead birth mama while bein’ chased by Grudge ghost wannabes. A forgettable snooze of a Syfy original, the plot is interestin’ ‘nough, but the cast is miserably flat and fails to pull me into these yahoo’s haunted romp through the sticks. It’s beyond me why this is even set on Halloween given it has zero holiday vibes with it only bein’ mentioned in passin’. A fine flick fer background noise or a sleep-aid but nothin’ else. Drawn and quarterin’ by hair extensions, supernatural suckin’, Cassandra ghosts, drivin’ dead, mama drama, stabbin’s, robbin’ the dead! 3/5! 

DEATHROW GAMESHOW (1987)

Host of TV’s most successful gameshow Live or Die, Chuck Toedan gives deathrow inmates the opportunity to win their freedom by survivin’ a series of fatal traps and trivia or meet a televised end before a live studio audience. When members of a notorious mob family start losin’ on the show, however, Chuck finds himself fightin’ for his life. I can’t believe how long this cinematic gem’s been flyin’ under the radar given how it’s like The Running Man, Death Race 2000, and Saw thrown in a blender! A cheap blender mind ya, but easily overlooked thanks to a thoughtful script filled with cleverly dark humor John McCafferty successfully carries throughout the film with his performance as Chuck. Only criticism might be to push the envelope a little more with the gore. Decapitations, electrocutions, asphyxiation, explosions, trivia, wake up call boobs, dream boobs, gameshow boobs, forbidden turkey love makin’, dance of the seven boners, recyclin’ dead inmates for commercials, nightmare sequences, broken necks, fatal commercials, and the best movie parody about a cursing mummy! 4/5! 

DECADENT EVIL (2005)

While the sellin’ point of this flick is supposed to be about a poor sucker named Marvin wantin’ revenge on Morella, the vamp who turned him into a pint sized creature called a homunculus for cheatin’ on her, it’s really about her fang bang stripper, Sugar, who wants to run away with her boyfriend before Morella sucks her ten thousandth neck and becomes a super vamp. While the two stories do seem exclusive at first, Sugar does get a lot of help from Marvin’s vampire huntin’ son, Full Moon superstar Phil Fondacaro, who’s willin’ to slay her supernatural family to save his own from livin’ in a shit crusted birdcage. A decent story with fair actin’ and makin’ the most it can from what little it has to work with, my only criticism is how the film really takes its time with scenes whether it’s a 15 minute flashback explain’ this movie’s ties to the Vampire Journals or milkin’ every second of an overcharged lap dance. Garlic odor, puppet monsters lickin’ nips, topless chicks galore, dangers of internet hookups, throat slittin’, girl on girl lap dances, vamps transformed into puppet beasts, bloodsuckin’, stakin’ hat tricks, midgets suckin’ monster blood, puppet monsters bangin’ other puppet monsters, and cross compasses! 3/5

DECADENT EVIL 2 (2007)

Thankful for Marvin’s help defeatin’ Morella the last flick, Sugar and her boyfriend take it upon themselves to hunt down a king vampire feastin’ on regulars at a strip joint and use his sacred blood to revive Marvin’s vampire killin’ son as a bloodsuckin’ vampire killer. A favor the mini-Blade is none to happy about! While I still feel like the whole thing with Marvin falls to the wayside again despite this all bein’ about helpin’ his family, I do think this is a better story than Decadent Evil, offerin’ a little mystery, red herrin’s, and whodunit reveals. Sugar and her boy click better with more screen time together, there’s more quirky bad guys, and there’s a definite step up in the special effects make-up with the king vamp who’s about to turn super bloodsuckers with his ten thousandth kill like Morella in part one. Sadly, Phil Fondacro doesn’t reprise his role as Marvin’s son. Strippers in action, cranberry juice fanatics, cross spinnin’ compasses, garlic odors, gumshoe mysteries, fugly vampers, blood suckin’, stakin’s, throats slit, dead midget carry-ons, reanimated midgets, blood snacks, and fang bangers gettin’ raped from behind by a puppet monster! 3/5!

DECAMPITATED (1998)

When a mother nature hatin’ outdoorsman finds an animated gang of youthful urbanites campin’ in the woods, he makes sure it’s a vacation to dismember. Overall, this is a silly Troma flick full of ham performances and cartoon violence, but it’s the kind I enjoy watchin’! Consistent humor, hot girls, kinetic cinematography, rockin’ soundtrack, over the top gore, lively sound editin’, the killer’s look is memorable, the script ain’t bad. . . only complaint is the sudden drop in tension when everyone starts comin’ back from their supposed deaths, stickin’ dismembered parts back on like Mr. Potato Head. Head rippin’, throat slittin’, severed limbs, ear fishin’, human head puppets, lustin’ transvestites, car wrecks, weed eater fights, gunplay, lessons in escapin’ bear traps, showers of blood, machetes to the side, stabbin’s, blood taps, ghost stories around the campfire, fishin’ for teens, and no boobs! 4/5! 

DECOYS (2004)

Cold lovin’ e.t.s disguise themselves as hot blondes with no belly buttons and jump a buncha college boners ’til they successfully learn to mate without flash freezin’ their partners from the inside out. An all ’round fun flick, this horny sci-fi romp has a lot to offer from its competent camerawork and engagin’ cast that includes a terrific performance by Corey Sevier as the paranoid hero threatenin’ to toast lovely ladies ‘less they show their navals! And be prepared for the unexpected attachment ya might feel for his virgin roommate who really thinks he can bear the responsibility of interstellar relationships. Boobs galore, ice queen pageants, flamethrowers, dinner party bon fires, e.t.s roasted to smithereens, frosty corpses, tentacle porn, peepin’ toms, dumb twist endin’s, Popsicle limb snappin’, shower cams, monstrous transformations, hot defenses, and throw-up e.t. births! 4/5!

DECOYS 2: THE SECOND SEDUCTION (2007)

The tentacle porn continues, but now, the icy killers from space are takin’ things slooow, hopin’ some fantasy foreplay will keep their victims from flash freezin’ their chances at breedin’ ‘fore Corey Sevier brings the heat down on ’em ‘gain. Just as fun and fast paced as the first Decoys, this sequel hits alotta of familiar beats that made me a fan of the series without bein’ a total copycat. There’s new twists like the Species-wannabes havin’ the power to project illusions in folks’ heads, but there ain’t too many heroes to root for given the gang leadin’ the charge this time are a buncha despicable horn dogs bettin’ who can bang the most chicks on campus. At least the filmmakers had the sense to bring Corey back who somehow managed to duck some pretty serious assault charges the last time he fricasseed e.t.s bangin’ his classmates to a chilly death. Scaredy cat virgins, MacGuyvered flamethrowers with zippos and hairspray, monster huntin’ luaus, pussy scoreboards that gotta be breakin’ some kinda laws, CGI burns, monstrous transformations, frosty corpses, monstrous matchsticks, e.t.s roasted to smithereens, flirtin’ with cops, school girl fetishes, library pick-ups, BDSM fetishes, ahead of their time cell phone tech, needles in the arm, and Tobin Bell seduced by an e.t.! 4/5!

DEEP BLOOD (1990)

A stock footage shark is chewin’ beach folk into Hawaiian Punch, and one of its meals happens to be from a gang of ceremonial blood brothers hellbent on revenge with some dynamite fishin’. As far as Jaws knock-offs are concerned, this is mildly impressive for only recyclin’ part of Spielberg’s blockbuster proven formula and changin’ up the heroes to bein’ a buncha childhood buddies sworn to protect the beach from evil by some rando Native American. There’s some sours I gotta knock it for, however, — namely its pathetic body count, weak shark scenes, and the run-on blow-by-blow of divin’ in the last 20 minutes that’s a real tolerance tester. Best bud blood oaths, tribal cyphers that surprisingly weren’t washed away with the tide all those years it was buried, bullies spontaneously turned allies, street racin’, parkin’ lot brawls, laughable flirtin’, awkward handshakes with dads, scuba divin’, spear fishin’, high flyin’ fish snipers, bum rap sharks, and underwater explosions! 3/5! 

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2018)

A rich cat uses sharks for testin’ brain boosters he thinks will give mankind the edge they need for outthinkin’ their smartphones in a pendin’ Terminator war, but the livin’ garbage disposals of the sea get too smart for anyone’s good and try eatin’ all the scientist while sinkin’ their underwater lab. A remake disguised as a sequel, this has no ties to the previous Deep Blue Sea‘s story or characters. While this is respectably made from a production standpoint with higher quality than a SyFy shark flick, it could have been cast with stronger actors with actual chemistry among them. But despite laughable edits, James Bond openin’s, obsessive use of monochrome filters, and a guy suckin’ down brain juice without gettin’ ANY smarter, this toothy flick does offer a tough openin’ and swarms of baby piranha sharks. Weak mama shark deaths, sinkin’ torsos, fin poachin’, spy sharks, prego sharks, folks eatin’ in half, folks jump cuttin’ their way ’round a room, robo-pocalypse paranoia, flare gun defenses, teasin’ locker room scenes, and sharks in the shower! 3/5!

DEEP BLUE SEA 3 (2020)

A floatin’ village full of shark enthusiasts is under attack by a pack of big brain bull sharks who escaped the end of Deep Blue Sea 2, and in their wake is a boatload of ruthless mercs paid to cock block ’em from matin’ by any means necessary. A major improvement over the last sequel, this is a thoughtful story that acknowledges everything that’s happened ‘fore, moves the series into new territory, and ups the stakes while successfully rehashin’ ol’ gags that made Deep Blue Sea so memorable in the first place. Only sours that distract me is the exact purpose of the floatin’ village and how everyone on it, as remarkably few as there are, relate to one ‘nother. Really impressed with this creature feature’s action sequences as well as its perfect set-ups for unexpected gore. Great white shark carcasses, shark mama beacons, magnetic mines, explodin’ ships, garbage disposal traps, crushin’ deaths, explodin’ sharks galore, double kamikaze fisted blow-outs, scuba divers chomped in half, severed arms, chum spewin’ drones, street brawlin’ decapitations by shark bite, shark brain dissectin’, chest stabbin’s, and high dive deaths! 4/5!

DEEP DARK (2015)

So, someone saw Joaquin Phoenix fall in love with his cellphone in Her and must’a been inspired to make the same movie but with a man and his dirty minded glory hole. A lousy mobile sculptor finally finds success when a hole in his wall starts talking like a sex line call girl, giving him every step for achieving his dreams. Before he knows it, their professional relationship turns intimate, and he’s gotta let the possessive hole down easy before she kills those who’d come between them. Severed fingers, hole frenchin’, monster mouths, hole caressin’, clever art, and expected hole fuckin’.This story was a great kind of crazy, but only had 2 gory kills, no boobs, and no hint of an explanation for who or what the hole was. Would liked to have seen the danger escalate more and find out whatever was behind the hole.  4/5!

DEEP FREEZE aka ICE CRAWLERS (2002)

An Antarctic drillin’ station unearths prehistoric mosquito worms, and an interchangeable gang of grad students gotta team-up with a few roughnecks to escape the rubbery beasts ‘fore they shit all over their frozen corpses. An overall decent creature feature that does its best to entertain, the only sour that bugs me is its overall lack of gore with off camera deaths remindin’ me of red shirts gettin’ killed by the original Star Trek monsters. A couple of bloody scenes make up for this toward the end, but I keep gettin’ distracted by how strangely their executed like the one ice critter that seems to have crawled up a woman’s vagina ‘fore turnin’ her inside out. Wolfman showers, bookworm beauties, boobs ‘tween the sheets, hot tubs, under the bed booger beasts, shotguns to the chest, drownin’, human pop sickles, near fatal free falls, explosions, helicopter escapes, explodin’ bug heads, freezin’ autopsies, and big-ass bug bosses! 3/5!

THE DEEP HOUSE (2021)

Desperate fer YouTube views, a pair of urban explorers scuba dive to the bottom of a man-made lake to check out an underwater mansion and quickly find out it’s haunted by the ghosts of kiddie killin’ Satan worshippers who want ’em to stick ’round fer all the wrong reasons. Better than I expected, this gimmick of a (mostly) found footage flick delivers on creeps and tension while keepin’ things engagin’ with the two divers talkin’ and even listenin’ to music through their head gear, but is a little hard to follow at times with everythin’ shrouded in heavy shadows and debris ‘long with sporadically cut action sequences. Despite these minor sours, however, it’s a solid story with a clever spin on the ol’ haunted house tropes and even borrows a little bit from Event Horizon ‘fore all’s said and done. Supernatural influences, stabbin’s, hooks in limbs, underwater drones, paranormally blocked exits, torture chambers, drownin’s, and larger than life crucifixes! 3/5! 

DEEP RED (1975)

After a pianist sees someone kill a psychic from afar, his eye witness account is greatly exaggerated in the papers and makes him the next target of a pair of homicidal hands in this killer ’70s flick from Dario Argento. While I recognize and respect Argento as a revered director behind many of Italy’s finer examples of cinematic horror, this mystery thriller with horrific pops of violence covered in barn red paint just ain’t that fun or interestin’ with a bunch of long-winded shots of uncompellin’ characters followin’ cryptic clues and a seemingly unrelated body count to an indifferent reveal. Only thin’ worth watchin’ are the over the top death scenes and one of the most disturbin’ toy puppet scenes ever captured on celluloid! Scaldin’ deaths, steamy clues, gender guessin’ games, WTF daddy daughter relations, distractin’ background extras actin’ as natural as storefront mannequins, fatal fish tailin’ in the streets, psychics  goin’ face first through windows, shredded throats, and mumblin’ drunks! 2/5! 

DEEP RISING (1998)

A wisecrackin’ sea captain and his crew unknowingly sail a team of mercs to a fancy cruise ship they’re hired to sink, but plans change when they find it abandoned ‘cept for squirmy creatures from the unknown depths of the ocean lookin’ for a meal. My favorite sea monster movie, this action horror flick is sweetness to the Nth degree, Scream Freaks. The CGI wigglies still hold-up, there’s lots of action, freaky moments, pops of humor without diminishin’ the tension, every character shines as an individual, the effects are gore-tastic, and Treat Williams shows he can hold his own ‘gainst Bruce Campbell as Captain John Finnegan. Bloody toilet deaths, big ass explosions, human remains galore, hellevators, boat wrecks, monstrous islands, gunshots to the legs, axes to the head, gunfire executions, leg breakin’ freefalls, underwater chases, half-digested screamers, victims yanked through small holes, mercs eaten whole, jet ski chases, shotgun action, monstrous boss levels, flare gun chases, and torpedoes! 5/5!

DEEP SPACE (1988)

Government engineered space turds crash to Earth and hatch Alien inspired bio-weapons two city cops decide to tackle. Interestin’ enough characters to keep ya entertained, impressive effects for a cheap flick, and a solid story, this feels heavier on the cop drama than the sci-fightin’ you’re really wantin’ to see, but the slimy bug critters are worth waitin’ for when they finally get into the mix. Gunfights for Halloween masks, deadly tentacles, secret labs, shady government agents, pointless psychics on the phone, poisonous gases, throwin’ killer turd bugs on dates, meteorite crash sites with bums, decapitations, toothy vagina chests, e.t. chainsaw fights, and we learn playin’ the bagpipes makes women take their clothes off! 3/5! 

DEEP STAR SIX (1989)

The crew of a deep sea naval base are ready to clock out of work and party topside, but they gotta get through a light hatin’ cave critter first. Sean Cunningham’s stab at directin’ horror under the sea, this is an entertainin’ disaster flick with a monster and features a solid ensemble of actors that includes Miguel Ferrer as a pressured mechanic. The only thing I find sour at all is how Harry Manfredini’s heroic serial score takes me out of the scarier moments, and the crew spendin’ most the movie bein’ more afraid of decompression than bein’ eaten by the googly eye monster onboard. Cave explorations, remote cameras, death by doors, two nuclear explosions, topside showdowns, fatal accidents in the workplace, explosive decompression, monster brawls, explodin’ chests, shark dart defenses, electrical martyrs, and a great scene with a giant sea monster bitin’ a diver in half like it’s at Sea World! 4/5! 

DELIRIUM (1987) 

Someone’s killin’ a skin mag’s models for dead photoshoots to taunt their boss lady with and everyone from the competin’ publisher to the vulgar cripple next door is suspect. As if an ’80s who-dunnit spaghetti slasher with boobs wasn’t enticin’ ‘nough to watch this, the filmmakers make it even more entertainin’ with its killer who’s both a sweet and sour. Sweet, ’cause they’re someone seein’ the world through weird-o-vision, somewhat creatively killin’ girls they see as eyeball creatures and bee girls, but sour ’cause this madness and random method of murder is never explained. Best the filmmakers give us is the slasher’s motive for killin’ which is neither sensible or convincin’ due to an absent trigger for settin’ ’em off on a murder spree to begin with. Killer bee death, dead girl photoshoots, clothin’ store massacres, faked deaths, fatal hit and runs, boobs in the pool, pitchfork impalin’, dick shootin’, Hitchcock nods, Prom Night nods, movie biz romances that go nowhere, boobs in the sauna, bodies in the pool, publication buyouts, dumpster babes, cross dressin’, rape with a blacklight, nightmare jumpscares, killer bee keepers, and mood-ring vision! 3/5!

DELIVERED (2020)

In one of the lamest Into the Dark entries yet, a couple with a baby on the way is invited to dinner at a woman’s remote farm, and (as any good horror fan worth their weight would predict) become permanent guests ’til their demented host gets the baby she always wanted. This is either lazy filmmakin’ or an amateur’s first stab at a horror flick who’s playin’ it safe with tried and trusted tropes. While the film is well shot and cast, it lacks any kind of tension or scares, and that’s ’cause the lead prego has as much personality as curdled oatmeal which leaves me with zero fucks for whatever happens to her or the baby. I don’t know if she wants the baby or not, what I’m supposed to take away from the thin’ ’bout a second man in her life which doesn’t ‘mount to a hill o’ beans, and her and the husband act more like strangers than a three year ol’ relationship. Kidnappin’, roofies, knock-out shots, useless men, vehicular chicken, abortion fake-outs with skinned cats in the toilet, neck stabbin’, lakes full o’ bodies, too many dumb nightmare psych-outs, births, mucus plug covered TP, and childbirth roleplay ‘fore bed! 2/5! 

DEMENTED DEATH FARM MASSACRE aka HONEY BRITCHES (1971)

If you wanna see a shlockluster flick that’s way oversold with an outrageous Troma title, this is it! A gang of big city jewel thieves hoof it through the Carolina boonies after a heist and hide out at a backwoods moonshine operation where they bully a hypocritical Bible thumper and his buxom $200 wife ’til they fight back. This isn’t a horrible plot with interestin’ enough characters but will sure put you to sleep with zero boobs, minimal bloodshed, stiff actin’ reminiscent of a middle school play, and a ho down of a classy soundtrack. Not even insert shots of John Carradine readin’ Cryptkeeper cue cards from his death bed could save this flick. Hick chick fights, rapes made okay, bear traps, yokels shot in the head, big tit bimbos ran over, smarty pants clubbed over the head, backwood bikinis, and only one laughable scene worth watchin’ with mental games endin’ with pitchforks to the gut and throat! 2/5!  

THE DEMOLITIONIST (1995)

An undercover pip squeak is kinda-sorta-maybe-not really killed on the job tryin’ to bust the ringleader of her city’s gang problem and is turned into the police department’s newest experimental weapon ‘gainst crime with insta-healin’ nanotechnology, an assload of guns, and a bullet proof bike. If ya suck all the cleverness and humanity outta Robocop, add a pinch o’ Universal Soldier, and set it in a slightly confusin’ Demolition Man-ish dystopia where nano tech exists in a world where folks still use flashbulb cameras from the 1950s, ya get The Demolitionist. Every character is so flat and one dimensional, it’s comical whenever its leadin’ ass-kicker Nicole Eggert tries havin’ a meaningful moment with any emotional impact. Between her rushed introduction and lack of development as the Demolitionist, there’s just nothin’ fer me to invest in much less root fer as she blows bad guys away in some of the laziest shoot ’em up sequences I’ve ever seen. This flick has one savin’ grace, however, and that’s writer/director Robert Kurtzman from KNB EFX Group castin’ an impressive round-up of who’s who in horror movies to play the secondary characters like a never-endin’ string of cameos. Makes fer a fun game to try and spot ’em all. Hotel shoot-em ups, bank shoot-em ups, self sacrificin’ games of Russian roulette, wishy washy pseudo-science, electric chair executions, accidental deaths by electrified pee, jailbreaks, bullets to the face, explosions galore, unfortunate tan colored pants, self drivin’ bikes that explode, acupuncture chairs inducin’ visions of devils, self healin’ wrist slashin’, rapid decomposin’, mens room meet-ups, city hall ambushes, botched taser attacks, and ear rippin’! 2/5! 

THE DEMON (1981)

A silent killer is running around South Africa in a fake face with 1960s Catwoman gloves, slashing random people and pulling plastic bags over their heads like Billy in Black Christmas. An okay film at best, the real disconnect in this film are the separate victims’ stories that never intersect with a frustrated family hiring the worst psychic detective to hunt down the killer in the beginning and a couple of hotties the killer attacks at the end. Fatal hitchhiking, skeletons in trees, childnapping, girly magazine slashing, topless escape plans, Rambo bathroom attire, slasher vision, worst booby trap EVER, self-defense scissors, and fatal one night stands! 3/5!

DEMON COP (1990)

As told by Rod Serling wannabe Cameron Mitchell, a botched blood transfusion leaves a probation officer afflicted with a werewolf-like curse that turns him into a gang bustin’ killin’ machine, and he’s itchin’ fer someone to stop him. A hard watch, this bargain bin cheapie pulls out all the cinematic tricks and shortcuts to offer some semblance of a feature length flick. Instead of a cult classic like The Toxic Avenger, it’s endless voiceovers of folks’ journals and letters to fill gaps ‘tween scenes and longwinded conversations with nothin’ but characters’ backsides. But it’s almost worth fastforwardin’ through for the few funny scenes of the Demon Cop kickin’ cartoon criminals’ asses ‘fore attemptin’ emotional scenes in the most laughable voice that reminds me of Christian Bale’s impression of Cookie Monster takin’ an angry shit fer Batman. Just skip to the Demon Cop parts for a chuckle and call it a night. Man ass, fatal crossfire, face splattin’, lawn chair throwin’, and out of place computer effect deaths?! 2/5!

THE DEMON MURDER CASE (1983)

This silly made for TV flick is about a boy playing too homicidal with his family and blaming it on demon possession which demonologist Andy Griffith claims to be true. While Andy’s busy rallying the church for an exorcism, Kevin Bacon challenges the demon to leave the boy and cut loose in his feet which may or may not be what lands him on trial for killing a dick dog stylist lusting after his girlfriend. Everything’s better with Bacon, but this film is just dumb thanks to its flimsy storytelling. It needs to stick with a character for us to follow, get to its points quicker, and give the audience better satisfaction at the end. Demonic boy voices, boys miming assailants, levitations, stabbings, and Bacon doing a demonic dog impression! 3/5!

DEMON SEX (2005)

If the title weren’t enough of a dead giveaway, this is porn . . . at its worst! The bare minimum plot this mess follows is a slide show spill about lizard aliens creatin’ the bug-eyed aliens along with the rest of humanity, leavin’ demons classified somewhere between the two anal probin’ species. Brinke fuckin’ “Scream Queen” Stevens is head of some witch house obsessed with this shit, and her naked loons prepare for the second comin’ as they take in some prego whose birth gets mixed with demon DNA a fat stripper lovin’ nerd finds. Horrible actin’, sets decorated with every UFO gag gift you’ve seen at Spencer’s, pole dances with people dry humpin’ on stage and stabbin’ each other, fully naked pregos, girls gettin’ carved with extreme close-ups of their snatch bein’ cut, foot fetishes, rubber heads ripped off and stabbed, naked blondes swimmin’ in pools, chunks taken out of guys, e.t. babies, one couple slap the dog shit out of each other with blood everywhere while the dude humorously barks to be choked harder, dicks, looong sex scenes, no soundtrack, looong periods without any sound, and Brinke has a rub-a-dub death scene where she shoves a guy’s head off his shoulders and rubs his blood all over her breasts! 1/1!

DEMON WIND (1990)

In this Evil Dead clone, a yahoo blindly leads a caravan of suckers to his grand mammy’s cabin to help him dig into his family’s satanic past but ends up endangerin’ ’em all when a dark force sicks a small army of deformed goo demons on ’em to complete a ritual for empowerin’ the Anti-Christ. This cheapo horror is charmingly cheesy fun with it’s non-stop supply of quirky victims comin’ outta the woodwork and decently executed effects from its mangled makeups to the wonderfully hand painted bolts of magic, but it falls short in the storytellin’ department with underdeveloped characters and repetitive standoffs. Biggest sour I gotta bash this flick for is introducin’ a hot shot magician but never havin’ him fight the demons with any of his parlor tricks. Monstrous transformations, topless bait, high kickin’ decapitations, impalin’, hand bitin’, satanic infections, suicidal grandpas, wrist slittin’, magically transportin’ fog, evil gas pumpers, demonic waitresses, bird shit, optical illusion cabins and barns, wall art demonoids with frog tongues, lame head crushin’, maulin’, witchy grandmas, goblin lookin’ transformations, demonic daggers that’re only good for one stab, spell books, babydoll transformations, stoic reactions, eye stabbin’, demonic psych-outs, can kickin’ magicians, monster on monster brawls, and magic symbol defenses! 3/5!

DEMONHOUSE (2018)

In this supposedly true documentary, the Travel Channel’s spook expert Zak Bagans purchases one of the most haunted houses reported in recent history and conducts a full scale investigation that results in a lot of folks gettin’ sick, injured, and possibly possessed by a demonic presence lurkin’ in the basement. I’ve never heard of Zak Bagans or his TV shows and haven’t got a clue to the legitimacy of this documentary’s claim, but true or not, this is a damn creepy story that keeps me glued to my idiot box for all the gritty details ’bout what happened to past families while the film crew themselves experience their own paranormal phenomenons. Cold spots, curious dirt, damaged eyesight, possible possessions, accounts of wall walkin’, unexplainable organ failure, hotel hollerin’, demonic tauntin’, black forms, lock-in investigations, and slimy blinds! 4/5! 

DEMONIC (2015)

After a gang of amateur ghost hunters are found slaughtered in a house with a morbid history, the police grill the only survivor for answers while reviewin’ tapes of their paranormal investigation gone 10 kinds of wrong. Parts gumshoe Ghostbusters, found footage, and detective drama, this flick looks great with an interestin’ enough story, but I personally wish the filmmakers didn’t juggle the two perspectives and stay focused on the cops’ side of the story which I think is superior to the ghost chasers’ investigation. Possessions, demonic smoke and mirrors, car wrecks, séances, ballerina box compasses, airborne yahoos, mommy issues, psychics, stabbin’s, axe weildin’ killers, infra-red spirits, massacre back stories, and devil baby drama! 3/5! 

DEMONIC TOYS 2 (2010)

Expanding his collection of oddities, Dr. Lorca (from Full Moon’s Hideous!) purchases the salvaged remains of two demonic toys durin’ a tour of Europe and makes one last stop for another sinister toy found in an Italian castle full of bad mojo. This latest addition has plans of its own, however, and resurrects Oopsie Daisy and Jack Attack to help kill everyone stranded at the castle overnight. I love how Full Moon has its own movie-verse and mixes up characters from their other movies! This film has a fun cast of characters, an awe inspirin’ location, and some great puppetry/CGI blends that need to be incorporated in the newer Puppet Master movies, but there’s a major lack of tension and momentum that undermines the film’s entertainment value. Cursin’ baby dolls, clown snakes, spring-loaded devils, magic tapping, hell holes, séances, possessed midgets, decapitations, psychics, table dancin’ midgets, castle tours, gold digger affairs, and toy bashin’! 3/5!

DEMONICA (2014)

In this retro homage that’s Night of the Demons meets Roller Boogie, stock horror teens crash an ’80s roller rink for an after hours party and fall victim to a possessive demon with a growin’ army of zombies who can only be stopped in a roller derby match to the death. This is a cheaply produced flick with a shaky openin’ that might tempt ya to change the channel, but the filmmakers prove they can deliver an entertainin’ romp into nostalgia as the movie moves along with distinct characters, decent effects, and impressive period dressin’. Trophy stealin’, evil monks, homo erotic intentions, bullyin’, flesh eatin’, zombies, possessions, eye gougin’, shopliftin’, magic necklaces, dick rippin’, sink pissin’, nerdy janitors, dirty playin’ roller derby matches that could stand to be waaay more epic, glowin’ special effects, and Linnea Quigley cameos as a evil fightin’ witch! 3/5!

DEMONICUS (2001)

A hiker is possessed by cursed gladiator armor he finds in the Alps and hacks up his friends for a blood ‘n gore soup meant to resurrect a demonic warrior. While I think the plot is interestin’ enough, the special effects are hit and miss, I don’t give a damn about any of the characters, the fight scenes are embarassin’, and it’s like someone without thumbs edited this thing together. Severed limbs, body part stew, possessions, explodin’ CGI, whole arms sawed off, zombie gladiators, meltdown corpses, swordplay, impalements, bloodspray-vision, decapitations, Monty Python limb gags, and weakest zombie bites ever captured on celluloid! 2/5! 

DEMONOID (1981)

In this killer hand flick, an ancient evil is released from a Satanic temple discovered in the mines of Mexico and plays leap frog possessin’ people’s left hands for despicable acts of . . . well . . . evil! Only a ginger partly responsible for its release and a boxin’ priest stand in its way from gamblin’ in Vegas and crushin’ poor bastards’ faces in its palm! Not a bad film by any means, the openin’ scene with the cult is great, and the scenes of folks cuttin’ their hands off are wince worthy. I only think the ginger’s motivation for destroyin’ the meat hook needs to be more convincin’, and just what the hell did the hand want anyway? Cult boobs, head to toe fires, priests boxin’ the devil’s hand in the ring of good and evil, kidnappin’, severed hands crawlin’ amok, ashes to watery regenerations, evil containers, devil statues, shots in the back, hot nurses, and hands cut off with swords, surgical tools, trains, and torches! 3/5!

DEMONS (1985)

Folks are invited to a mysterious horror movie ’bout demons, but the movie becomes all too real as the audience is demonically possessed, leavin’ other movie goers to fight for their lives. There’s really no explanation for how, why, or what the hell’s happenin’ the whole movie, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoyin’ a bunch of demons destroyin’ a theater while spreadin’ a bad case of the fuglys to pretty girls and macho men fightin’ fang and claw to heavy metal rock tunes. Cursed movie props, razor cut titties, demonic possessions, dirt bike sword slashin’, demons tearin’ out of folks’ backs, helicopter crashes, grapplin’ gun escapes, eye gougin’, cocaine sniffin’ out a coke can, and green goo gurflin’! 3/5! 

DEMONS 2 (1986)

A demon jumps out a birthday girl’s TV and turns her apartment building into the horror version of Die Hard with tenants turning into crazed hordes of demons battling fitness junkies and expecting parents. Forget logic in this demonic thrill ride. Just throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care and watch non-stop demonic chaos, pregos fight for their lives, and people wait for party crashers in the street for no reason. Demon apocalypse TV movies, baby puppet demons, prego repelling, airborne weights, muscle head armies, elevator chases, corrosive blood, umbrella deaths, demonic young’ns, and parking garage chaos! 3/5!

DEMONWARP (1988)

In this cheapo boonies horror that attempts to check all the boxes for monster fans, a gang of curious yahoos investigate strange happenin’s in a mountainous region and are regretfully mixed up in a slimy e.t.’s plot to turn hapless randos into big foot zombies to build it a ride back to space. While Demonwarp sports a decent cast, satisfyin’ effects, and a pretty creative mash-up of subgenres, it unfortunately suffers from a weak script that prefers to meander with strangers wanderin’ in and out for boobs and body count rather than develop its core characters with any meaningful story arc. Lacks any real substance to enjoy, but weird ‘nough to wanna see and share. Heart rippin’ and eatin’, fallin’ e.t. meteors, head twistin’ and rippin’, arms caught in bear traps, mangled faces, boobs in bed and the shower, gut twistin’ with branches, monstrous transformations, religious nuts, TNT defusin’ big foots, home invadin’ beasts, nightmare psych-outs, and Michelle Bauer sunbaths topless! 3/5!

THE DESCENT (2005)

An adventurer fools her thrill seekin’ gal pals into explorin’ a new cave system that’s opened up in the Appalachian Mountains, and after a cave-in takes ’em by surprise, they’re forced to fight their way out through a feral community of underground humanoids who hunt by sound. All ’round solid filmmakin’, this flick works on two levels. First, as a disaster flick with these spelunkers squeezin’ their asses through some frightfully claustrophobic nooks and crannies. Then, as a balls to the wall monster movie with the discovery of the sightless creatures lookin’ fer a warm meal they can tear into with the table manners of a Tasmanian devil. The most fun I have watchin’ this as a horror fan, however, is debatin’ the ethics and moralities over Juno and Sarah’s fight to be the last girl. They both commit questionable acts throughout the story, but I feel Juno’s just desserts are pretty unjustified compared to the irredeemable decision Sarah makes ‘fore the credits roll. Monkey bar climbin’, throat slashin’, disembowelin’, fatal car wrecks, hidey hole escapes, animal bones galore, dead and bloated critters, leg breakin’, axe fightin’, impaled necks, neck rippin’, euthanasia, literal blood baths, leg stabbin’s, and white water raftin’! 4/5! 

THE DESCENT PART 2 (2008)

The police are searchin’ the Appalachian Mountains fer the first movie’s gang of missin’ spelunkers, and when they find Sarah rattled with trauma induced amnesia, they drag her back underground to look fer her friends ‘fore she can remember to warn ’em ’bout those underdwellin’ killin’ machines she just escaped. If ya don’t mind the filmmakers fudgin’ the timeline and other minor details while givin’ characters alotta weird motives, this is an alright follow-up to Sarah and Juno’s continuin’ fight fer survival as frenemies. While I don’t think this sucker’s as good as the first, it has its memorable moments. What other horror movie features its monster takin’ a steamin’ shit on a last girl? And I can’t stop laughin’ at how the “heroic” sheriff is so hot to trot fer some damsel in distress action with Juno, his clueless antics keep puttin’ everyone in worse and worse situations. Hand choppin’, fatal freefalls, corpse hangin’, cave-ins, live burials, hidey hole escapes, unholy entrances, secret keepin’ woodsmen, recorded expositions, literal shit holes, and belly slashin’! 3/5!

DESECRATED (2015)

When Haylie Duff and her carful of horror trope buddies crash at her fat cat dad’s Airbnb ranch unannounced, their obnoxious antics piss off the world’s most temperamental groundskeeper to the point the damaged Marine can’t help but go full psycho on their asses to be rid of ’em. While this mediocre slasher is decently shot and boasts a fairly talented cast, I think its major flaw is how the killer’s written to be less of a cold calclulatin’ mastermind and more of an impulsive mad man flyin’ by the seat of his pants from one situation to the next. Entertainin’ to say the least, but not my first choice for passin’ a rainy afternoon. Landmine deaths, offscreen rape, dead young’ns offscreen, bottled family members, severed tongues, shoot ’em ups galore, snipers, bullets to the brain basket galore, bikini babes on boats, breakin’ and enterin’, four wheelin’, disclaimer speeches similar to enterin’ Jurassic Park, and nosey man children on bicycles! 3/5!

DESPERATION (2006)

Highway motorists are wrongly arrested by Sheriff Sasquatch on a desert highway and hauled to a ghost town where an ancient evil named Tak and its army of wildlife have taken over. Based on one of Stephen King’s stories, this is a pretty damn entertainin’ TV-flick with an epic feel, firm actin’, and above average effects. It successfully exhibits King’s strengths in storytellin’ with an engagin’ mix of united characters fightin’ a larger than life villain and fantastical elements that can tie this to other stories like IT or The Dark Tower series. Gunned down guard dogs, mountain lions’ heads blown off, hench dogs and birds, hangin’s, maulin’s, squashed spiders, cinematic flashbacks, explosive flashbacks, jailbreaks with ghost soap, point-blank executions, little girl spirits, roadkill young’ns, skin splittin’ possessions, Chinese folklore, heavy themes ’bout folks’ relationship with God, and bodies galore! 4/5!  

DESOLATION (2017)

A recently widowed mother hikes the great outdoors with her son and best friend for some therapeutic reflection, but a murderous Rob Zombie look-alike in shades aims to give ’em an even more traumatic life experience. While I like the castin’ and look of this mountain slasher flick, the sours outweigh the sweets thanks to a frustratin’ story featurin’ a lame killer a prepubescent teen can whoop. There’s built-up moments without any real payoff, a lack of geography to inform me just how much trouble the family’s in when shit hits the fan, a kill site that pops up wherever it’s convenient for the story no matter how many miles the characters traveled, and the adults surprisingly never take the killer seriously ‘nough to plan safer sleepin’ arrangements. Geocachin’, disembowelin’, wacky tobacky, stabbin’s, drunk drama blubberin’, blood drainin’, tooth yankin’, Swiss Army knife defenses, bloody noses, and laughable weaknesses that remind of Velma without her glasses in Scooby-Doo! 2/5!

DESTINATION: INFESTATION aka ANTS ON A PLANE aka DEADLY SWARM aka SWARM (2007)

Folks flyin’ to the states from South America get majorly grossed out when a fellow passenger bursts open with genetically enhanced bullet ants, and it’s up to the air marshal and an emotionally dead milf to save the day with fire extinguishers. The biggest thin’ I find wrong with this TV movie (other than it’s by the Ruin My Lifetime Network) is everyone havin’ vastly different reactions to the threat of the ants. The passengers loose their shit anytime they see a creepy crawly, the heroes practically stand on top of ground zero for all the bug activity without a lick of concern, and air officials on the ground are like, “You got folks droppin’ dead from ants on the plane? Grab a jar of peanut butter and keep to your flight schedule.” Most bafflin’ scene is when bystanders shove a swarmed passenger back in the restroom to die after they just saved the pilot from a similar attack. Ants crawlin’ out of every hole in a person’s head, chest burstin’ ants, explodin’ planes, flare gun attacks, disruptive drunks, ambush ants, baby sacrificin’ strategies, and a dog you never see ’til the very end who the heroes adopt without stoppin’ to ask whose it is! 3/5!

DESTROYER (1988)

In this disappointin’ slasher, a movie crew’s busy filmin’ a babes behind bars flick at a recently abandoned prison and eventually get the attention of an electric chair survivin’ psycho squatter, played by ‘roid ragin’ Superbowl champ Lyle Alzado, who turns his homicidal rage on the unfortunate interlopers. This guilty pleasure from the ’80s has plenty goin’ for it regardin’ its location and actors, but its script leaves a lot to be desired and makes me forget its even a horror movie most the time. The biggest sours I have with this movie is the killer survivin’ the electric chair ’cause he’s simply a bad ass, not thanks to anythin’ supernatural or otherwise, the sparse deaths with nearly the entire cast of characters killed off screen in the blink of an eye, and the lack of creative deaths minus the fella gettin’ jackhammered which is really the one and only sellin’ point for seein’ this lackluster fizzle. Explodin’ eyeballs, electrocutions galore, poo water rats, sewers, special effect dudes, nightmare psych-outs, face meltin’ dummy girls, human matchsticks, restroom assassinations, jackhammered guns and people, cop killin’, burger flippin’ expositions, full frontal babes wrestlin’ in the showers, quickie massacres, cop cosplay, stunt women last girls, and fatal freefalls! 2/5! 

THE DEVIL BELOW (2021)

Researchers for hire sneak past hostile mountain folk to collect samples from their abandoned coal mine, but bite off more than they can chew when they discover the backwood locals were actually fightin’ to keep the world safe from a colony of underground monsters. Kind of like Tomb Raider versus the Mole People ‘gainst Silent Hill’s firey backdrop, this creature feature hits all the appropriate story beats, but utterly fails at givin’ me anyone to care ’bout despite a few fleetin’ efforts at character development that never gain any traction with me. There’s one good scare with a fella bein’ fed to the big mama of the monsters, but the creative choices behind the camerawork at this particular moment really rob it of any genuine effectiveness. Electrified fences, self sacrifices, poor pick-me up stories, car chases, off roadin’, paralysin’ stingers, worm-headed monster suit actin’, grapple hook action, explosions, firin’ squads, and woozy-vision! 3/5!

DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS (1954)

Martian women win a war of the sexes on their home planet and send a lone commander to Earth to recruit fine strong men for repopulating their diminished race. Falling short of her course for London, the commander lands in the middle of a Scottish soap opera and confronts men who’d rather die than be taken on the sexual adventure of a lifetime in the stars. The story’s a little slow, but this film has a good ensemble of well-rounded characters who keep things interesting. Ray guns, organic technology, scientists, va-va-vinyl costumes, young’ns for trade, tree disintegrations, and a walking refrigerator! 3/5!

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (2015)

When a heavy metal painter and his family move into their new house in the countryside, an unknown force compels him to paint disturbin’ visions that are tied to vile acts committed by the previous homeowners’ son, a guitar thrashin’ whacko the same force instructs to butcher young’ns. Never knowin’ they’re in tune with the same mysterious force, the two men’s paths cross when the twitchy eye psycho returns home and believes Satan wants the painter’s daughter next. An incredibly well made film that perfectly presents a believable family worth carin’ about and shows an impressive side of Ethan Embry’s actin’ I’ve never seen before, my only gripe with this flick is not pushin’ the boundaries enough. The supernatural wavelength of evil the painter and killer are tuned into is beggin’ to be explored but neither really talk about it, try to figure out where it’s comin’ from, or use it as a means for outsmartin’ dark premonitions. It’s kind of just there, movin’ the story along and givin’ the flick a little mystique. Death by Flyin’ V guitar smashin’, head smashin’, head to toe fires, gunshots to the shoulder, buried luggage full of cut up young’ns, kidnapped young’ns, butterfly paintings gone demonic, psycho bed buddies, Houdini duct tape, metal tunes, people crushed between vehicles, and fatal motels! 3/5!

DEVIL’S DEN (2006)

Devon Sawa plays a sex pill peddler who makes a pit stop at a Mexican bar where the girls turn out to be flesh hungry ghouls, but lucky for him, he’s got a former Miss Teen USA gunslinger and a sword swingin’ Ken Foree to save his ass. While a knock-off of From Dusk Till Dawn sounds like a lame idea, this low budget flick has enough charm and genuine effort behind it to be fun and entertainin’. The edits ain’t the smoothest, character’s unnecessary backstories drag the energy down, and the monsters can’t decide if they’re vampires, werewolves, cougars or ghouls, but it’s still a memorable flick worth addin’ to any horror fan’s collection. Spanish Fly drugs, decapitations, squirrel-phobias, severed limbs, arm bitin’, rocket launchers, government assassins, monster hunters, Arabic strip acts, heart rippin’, chest burstin’, blood spittin’, strip club massacres, ghouls blown to Swiss cheese, monstrous transformations, bite happy severed heads, underground lairs, and obviously boobs! 4/5! 

DEVIL’S FAIRGROUND aka ANNA 2 (2019)

The yahoos from Anna are back, and make just a little more sense than before. Teamin’ up with a competin’ gang of ghost hunters, an amatuer exorcism tips Specs and Pecs off to a haunted fairground where an evil tree is infectin’ their nowhere town with – well – evil. They take it upon themselves to storm the grounds and destroy it, but get separated right away and stretch this shit show beyond my tolerance with a bunch of non-sense vignettes that’s better served as music video fodder for garage horror bands. The cinematography undercuts the tension, only half the cast can act, the same shitty sound engineer musta returned from the last flick, there’s no tree much less much of a fairground versus a haunted attraction in its off season, I can barely tie one scene to ‘nother as far as the narratives concerned, and why the hell didn’t they just burn the place down to begin with if that’s ‘nough to take care of the problem? Best part is Pecs draggin’ his buddy with broken legs ’round. Saran wrapped spook chasers, catchin’ ghosts with bags and sticks, demonic possessions, hand puppet monsters, bug-eyed hamburger face demonoids, airborne ghost hunters, informative ghost films, and folks dragged ’round galore! 2/5! 

DEVIL’S GATE (2017)

A pompous FBI gal investigates a missin’ person case in bumfuck nowhere and walks right into a farmer’s alien conspiracy with an e.t. booger in his basement and a giant pog makin’ collect calls to its mothership. Do not watch this movie if you love dogs. There’s only one character in the film most viewers wish were expunged, and the filmmakers thought she, the FBI agent, would be revered…so annoying and unbelievable. The comments Milo Ventimiglia makes about his dad and dog fighting create an artistic picture of his character and evoke empathy from viewers, but from an animal lovers’s view, the intended effect would have been stronger if the gorgeous German Shepherd had lived. Things take even more unnecessary twists. Overall, my review of this film is the same as my commentary on many: if you have to rely on the death of an animal to make your point, your story isn’t strong enough. Unless you’re Pat Conroy — don’t do that. E.t.s in booger suits, telekinesis, Invasion of the Body Snatcher nods, chests ripped open, stormy visits from space, alien hostages, dead dogs, severed fingers, and man-size bear traps! 3/5!

DEVIL’S JUNCTION: HANDY DANDY’S REVENGE (2019)

In this web of plots within plots, a fella invites his friends to an abandon TV station his pop buys, and they end up ambushed by a gang of evil ventriloquist dummies. Turns out their master is Mr. Jolly, the presumed dead host of an ol’ kids show, and he needs to sacrifice the gang of horndogs to extend his life while sharin’ melodramatic banter with a hogtied Bill Moseley who’s on his own Masonic mission. This is entertainin’ to say the least, but could be waaay better. The characters were all one trait away from bein’ interestin’, there’s some confusin’ parallel action with a welder killin’ girls, Handy Dandy could stand to be more front and center as the hook for seein’ this thang, and I don’t even know what the hell’s bein’ done to the two chicks at the end of the movie. Well shot and decently acted, ya could do much worse for a killer puppet movie. Severed hands, life or death pong, hand tied nookie with blood splattered boobs, leg carvin’, face carvin’, rough beauty makeovers, hangin’s, possessions, super blood moons, magical Masonic relics, magical CGI portals, and masked killers! 3/5!

THE DEVIL’S RAIN (1975)

William Shatner’s got a book of witch’s names a Satanic cult leader wants, and when he refuses to give it up after a gamble of faith, it’s up to Tom Skerritt to save the day and liberate his family from bein’ eyeless goo squirtin’ foot soldiers who melt whenever it rains. The plot is so convoluted, I can barely describe it, and I still have no clue what exactly the devil’s rain is, but this flick is a guilty pleasure full of unforgettable ham actin’, special make-up effects, and a goo-tastic final act. Satanic/demonic possessions, full body meltdowns, one of the most useless authority figures ever committed to celluloid, chest carvin’, soft crucifixions, candlewax rituals, firefights, explodin’ churches, supernatural soul vessels, creepy switcheroo hugs, goat men, psychic flashbacks, witches burned at the stake, and a possessed Shatner that looks like Michael Myers! 4/5!

DEVIL’S REVENGE (2019)

Some yahoo disturbs an old ass altar in a cave that awakens a buncha impressive lookin’ demons who supposedly kill him, but he springs back to life with annoyin’ flashbacks to the demons’ origin story Bill Shatner says can only be stopped if the yahoo takes his wife and kids on a family road trip back to the cave to retrieve a demon catchin’ relic. A perfect example of how a top shelf lookin’ flick is only as good as its script, this is a dumpster fire of a story. Characters are introduced and developed with no gravity, the threat the demons pose ain’t all that obvious with kills that lack any rhyme or reason, and why the hell is the family actin’ like they’re goin’ on some honky dory treasure hunt when they know they’re descendin’ into the bowels of the Earth to confront an army of savage demons responsible fer slaughterin’ entire civilizations?! This bullshit kinda makes sense with the twist endin’ bein’ this is all an illusion the demons play on the yahoo when they kill him, but that just means the filmmakers wasted my time. Keep an eye out fer a crazy lookin’ sculpture on some stairs that steals the movie, and prepare to bust a gut when Shatner seriously says, “It’s Hallo-fuckin’-ween!” 2/5!

THE DEVIL’S SWORD (1984)

After a gal’s fiancé is forced into a gator witch’s cuddlin’ cult of hickies, her only hope of rescuin’ him is teamin’-up with a roamin’ chop-socky hero on his own quest for a meteorite forged sword other comic book characters are after. Indonesian sword and sorcery with ol’ school martial arts, this sucker has to be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! It’s pure craziness from beginnin’ to end packed with all kinda nutty practical effects, outrageous barbarian brawls, and one memorably zany moment after another. My only beef with this flick is how little the titular sword is used when it’s finally brought into play, and how disjointed its McGuffin plot is from the rest of the movie since both involve the hero’s rock flyin’ rival who works for the gator witch in exchange fer bossy lip-action. Decapitations galore, weaponized hats, curtain fightin’, fire breathin’ gator statues, human matchsticks, hand lasers, sword swingin’, underwater harems, extreme weddin’ crashin’, transportin’ gator men warriors, reaper raftin’, cyclops monster suits, booby trapped caves, hand and leg severin’, venomous snake bites, snake spears, super high kicks, sweet gator couches, kissin’ orgies, firey make-out susans, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’, hypnotic bedroom eyes, and haggish transformations! 5/5! 

DEVIL’S WELL (2018)

A paranormal investigator goes missin’ after pokin’ ’round an underground well that’s rumored to be a shortcut to hell, and her husband calls in the ghostbustin’ cavalry to find her. Shot and edited as a weird mix between a faux documentary that’s ready to broadcast and a found footage film, this flick offers pretty believable characters and manages to hold my interest with competent filmmakin’ keepin’ up the tension. I just think the supernatural scares need to be pushed more and explained better to feel like there’s more of a payoff before the abrupt endin’. Masked mystery men, EMF detectors, cold spots, possible audio samples of hell, throat slittin’, gunshots to the noggin’, skeptics beaten to death, interviews galore, underground mazes, Big Brother surveillances, psychics, and tolerable pissin’ time! 3/5! 

DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007)

A buncha student filmmakers are alerted to the zombie holocaust durin’ a shoot and drop their mummy movie in favor of jumpin’ on an RV to document the apocalypse while they check on family and friends they hope are still alive. Arguably writer/director George Romero’s least excitin’ zombie flick, I feel like someone must’ve twisted his arm into makin’ this a found footage horror, ’cause he sure goes outta his way to make it anythin’ but. Characters are findin’ extra cameras to capture their hellish road trip from multiple angles then stealin’ moments at random computers to speed edit on the fly to explain all the cuts, and if that weren’t ‘nough, Romero even goes so far as droppin’ in voiceover narratives of folks flat out explainin’ they played scary music over the found footage to scare viewers into seein’ the truth behind the zombie outbreak they feel the media’s denyin’ the public. Aside from that and bein’ a little too preachy with some social message ’bout information overload with everybody packin’ video recorders nowadays, this is entertainin’ meanderin’ with a purpose, but far from the shenanigans that made Night of the Living Dead through Land of the Dead so memorable. Hung zombies, spillin’ guts, hospital massacres, eyeball meltin’, electrocutions, countless head injuries, zombie young’ns, fricassee cop zombies, road pirates, roadkill regrets, CG gore galore, botched suicides, panic rooms, sword fightin’, head splittin’, zombie shootin’ galleries, news reporter massacres, pool party zombies, and flesh bitin’! 3/5! 

DIE, MONSTER, DIE (1965)

A feeble Boris Karloff plays a game of “Mine!” with a radioactive meteorite and tries to keep his daughter’s nosey fiancée from interruptin’ his shoddy experiments with it in the basement. Based on an H.P. Lovecraft short, this flick sets the perfect mood for a forebodin’ horror with gothic scenery that pops, noteworthy sound effects, and lots of story potential with its mystery around Karloff’s family and his tests. Problem is, however, it misses some beats with the pacin’ of the suspense and reveals that leaves me feelin’ like a lot didn’t happen by the end. Best part is Karloff’s comic book origin for mutatin’ into a sparkly super villain in the last act. Giant craters, secret burials, experimental green houses, mutie family members, hateful townspeople, axe wieldin’ crazies, meteorites that grant super powers, fatal freefalls, games of chase, and mutie pets! 3/5! 

DIG TWO GRAVES (2014)

In a 1970s hickville, a girl’s older brother is presumed dead after he disappears cliff jumpin’ into a lake, but a gang of hillbilly gypsies tell her she can get him back if she sacrifices someone else over the cliff to take his place. Is this a magical morality tale or might the girl be gettin’ tricked by folks with a grudge against her grandpappy, Sheriff Buffalo “Marble Mouth” Bill. A crisp film with a nice color palate and nostalgic art direction, this isn’t so much a horror flick as it is a crime drama. Starts off promisin’ enough with Gypsy hoodoo involvin’ blood, snakes, and tradin’ souls, but ultimately breaks down to boomerang karma and old school cops and crooks by the end. Cliff jumpin’, backwoods rapin’, Gypsy drownin’, mama target practice, moonshine housefires, cops duel with side arms, snake dancers, magic bags of snakes, snake head bitin’, 1940s flashbacks, snake blood rituals, magic necklaces, and swirlies! 3/5!

DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM (2016)

A disappointing film, Kate Beckinsale gives the performance of a Lifetime movie as her fragile family moves to the country for a fresh start and discover their new house is haunted by a ruthless father and his deformed daughter he kept locked in a secret room. Part supernatural suspense, part is she/isn’t she crazy mindfuck, this snoozefest offers very little as far as memorable moments, tension, or horrific twists. Marvel superheroes cosplay, time travel egg timers, dinner party dramas, mental wives, roof flirts, evil dogs, dead cats, deformed young’n bashing, and 1 gory head bashing! 3/5!

DISCARNATE (2018)

A gang of curious egg heads skip the whole Flatliners approach to provin’ existence beyond death and test an experimental drug that allows ’em to actually see the flipside of the grave. Problem is, this link creates an open channel for a shapeshiftin’ spirit called a discarnate to invade their lab space and consume their flesh ’til it has ‘nough skin to walk the mortal plane. This little known flick has a really cool concept with a pretty wild monster huntin’ a bunch of likable characters, but unfortunately underwhelms me with ineffective story editin’,  laughable shortcuts ’round beefy transitions, and a lotta heavy handed pseudo-science shoehorned in. Spiritual planes, hoodoo drugs, explodin’ kitchens, ghost grabbin’, mangled faces, stabbin’s, dead lab rats galore, kidnapped young’ns, suicidal wives, evil doppelgangers, drug addicts, needle pokin’, and monstrous transformations! 3/5! 

DISMEMBERING CHRISTMAS (2015)

A gang of love struck teens spend Christmas at a remote cabin where they’re chopped up for stockin’ stuffers by a crazed loon who looks like Leatherface got lost on a ski trip. This ain’t high art filmmakin’, but this flick’s got its heart in the right place. Aside from the short runnin’ time, awkward actin’, lack of Christmas tunes, and poor sound quality, it’s got sharp cinematography, respectable gore, and keeps up a decent pace for a coherent story that’s easy enough to follow. Decapitated sleddin’, folks skewered by augers, strip games with no payoff, severed limbs in stockin’s, super awkward neighbors, folks stabbed with sharpened candy canes through snowmen, folks’ lassoed with razor blade Christmas wreaths and decapitated, stabbin’s, and awkward love at first sight moments! 2/5! 

DITCH (2022)

Paramedics and cops find themselves in a wreck off a backroad with criminals they’re transportin’ and are systematically attacked by a group of judgmental vigilantes believin’ they all need to pay for past sins at the hands of their victims. This flick looks fantastic but unfortunately falls to the sours of a terrible script performed by very few actors with any screen presence. While I was hopin’ this wasn’t some hackneyed metaphor for a buncha dead yahoos in transition to the great beyond, I much preferred that to the bullshit it ends up bein’. If this is a straight up revenge story, plain and simple, why don’t most these terrible people recognize their victims attackin’ ’em? From brutal brain damagin’ assaults to drunk drivin’ murder charges, there’s no way in hell they’d forget the names and faces of the folks they hurt and would’ve seen countless times in court. Stupid. Just avoid this one! Deep cuttin’ slingshots to the face, dumb amnesia plot devices, longwinded backstories, explodin’ ambulances, chainsaw vengeance, bullets to the brain, and one satisfyin’ (yet spotlessly clean) head explosion! 2/5! 

DO NOT REPLY (2019)

Thinkin’ she’s found love online, a teen girl is duped by a cyber predator and trapped in a house where his victims are conditioned to be perverse fantasies of his dead bully for a sister he had the hots for. Even if this ain’t the most original idea, I appreciate a kidnappin’ flick that dares to steer clear of the usual torture porn shockers I’ve come to expect. The kidnapper’s story plays like some psycho’s elaborate plot out of a Batman comic and keeps me guessin’ what’s comin’ next with lots of perfectly placed set-ups, payoffs, and subtexts. The only gripe I have is this sucker bein’ identified as a Halloween movie. The flick starts in October, and the girl’s nabbed outside a Halloween party, but it’s collectively two minutes of screen time at best. Still ends up bein’ an entertainin’ movie, but kinda disappointin’ when it was the mention of Halloween in the movie’s description that originally hooked me to watch. Soul breakin’ basements, Stockholm syndrome, dead rats, stabbin’s, kitchen knife fightin’, private talent shows, infected legs, suffocatin’ with pillows, attempted pill poppin’ suicides, awkward double dates, VR murders, roofied kidnappin’s, zombie cheerleaders and quarterbacks, carpet rakin’ galore, buttocks and side boobs, dead mamas, basement burials, cheerleader dress-up, and nutso hallucinations! 4/5!

DOCTOR SLEEP (2019)

Decades after survivin’ the events of The Shining, Danny drifts through life as a recoverin’ alcoholic who sees dead people ’til a gifted little girl needs his help fightin’ a roamin’ band of psychic parasites only the Overlook Hotel might be a match for. Stickin’ by everythin’ that happened in the original Kubrick flick, this solid continuation is a real crowd pleaser with likable characters, easy-to-follow scenarios of the supernatural, and subtle effects that don’t blow it out with the visuals like most headtrippy films. It never feels as epic or emotionally charged as I’d expect, however, the real sour in this breeze of a two and a half hour sequel is the absence of the Overlook’s most mysterious ghost – the blowjob bear/dog man! Gravity defyin’ spoons, essence suckin’ galore, kidnappin’, car wrecks, face carvin’ with knives, post hypnotic suggestions, fly covered eyeballs, Jack Nicholson impersonators, one night stands in pools of their own vomit, Jiminny Crickets from beyond the grave, death seekin’ cats, geezer passin’s, mental Dreamcatcher boxes, ghosts mobs, naked hags in the tub, ghost twins, explosions, stabbin’s, artery cuttin’, ambush assassinations with snipers, gunfights, and hotel infernos! 4/5!

DOLL FACTORY (2014)

When a gang of friends crack open a spell book to see ghosts for Halloween, they accidentally resurrect an evil toy maker who unleashes a homicidal army of squeaky voiced baby dolls on the town a magical negro and a virginal sword swingin’ nerd have any hope of stoppin’. Fans of Full Moon’s sillier monster movies will love this low-budget gem of blood drenched humor. The characters are fun and distinctive, the story has nice escalation, and the special effects are better than anyone would expect, includin’ the dolls’ strings-attached action sequences. Ain’t perfect, but far ways from a bad flick. Sliced off faces, barbwire decapitations, severed feet, green puke in the face, crispy corpses, resurrected loves, possessed sword fightin’, ecto-swords, dolls firin’ cartoony holes through people like mini-plastic torpedoes, dolls burstin’ gals open through their vagina, severed hands, theatrical geezer make-up, eye gougin’, green screen effects galore, news teams vs sheriffs, explodin’ houses, buckets of blood, and strangulation! 4/5!

DOLL GRAVEYARD (2005)

A teenage geek digs up a dead girl’s doll collection in his backyard and is possessed by her pissed off spirit. After bein’ pushed around by horny party crashers at his sister’s house party, the pissed ghost girl animates her unearthed toys and commands them to kill everybody. Give Charlie Band some killer dolls to direct, and you’re sure to have an entertainin’ Full Moon flick. The teens are believable, the dolls are effective, and the cinematography has some sharp energy behind it, but I would like to see the dolls arrive at a bigger conclusion and feel the chemistry between the toy geek and his crush is just awkward. Fatal falls, buried young’ns, abusive fathers, hogtied brothers, action figure romances, toothy baby girl dolls, cantaloupe sex aids, kinky handcuff sex, spiked pile drivers to the nuts, eye gougin’, face chewin’, slice ‘n dice with swords, possessions, cock teases, and Ooga Booga’s first appearance of Ooga Booga! 4/5!

DOLL HOUSE (2020)

A cursed dolly possesses a mute girl to kill everyone in a halfway house for troubled youths for the sheer hell of it, and despite her projectin’ her kills in folks’ heads with plenty of warnin’, only a mute celebrity’s lucky ‘nough to turn the tables on her. If the script bothered to establish and develop its characters more clearly, and the editin’ didn’t show us everythin’ that’s gonna happen twice within the first few minutes, this could’ve been a fairly decent movie. There’s one too many mutes with no real payoff, I don’t understand the supernatural link ‘tween the dollhouse and the evil doll that’s too big for it, I can’t make heads or tails what point the over the top scenes with the psychic serves, and the how/why the paranormal blogger latches onto the halfway house in the first place is lost on me. Ax whackin’, eye pokin’, impalin’, stabbin’, clubbin’, possessions, respawnin’ dollhouses, barbecued dolls, cursed yard sales, screamin’ flashbacks, post-its galore, tub drownin’, attempted suicides, and suffocations! 2/5!

DOLLS (1987)

A couple of wrinkly assholes pass judgment on guests stranded at their rural home, deciding whether or not they’re bad enough to be magically transformed into little homicidal dolls. The movie that inspired the Puppet Master films, this is a legit scary movie full of pretty dark scenes from the disturbing stop motion to the fate of the mean spirited guests. Certainly deserves a spot next to Chucky on the killer toy shelf! Party punk chicks, fatal free fall crones, imaginary teddy bear murders, toy soldier execution, killer doll mobs, murderous doll piles, abusive parents, baby doll buggy strolls with witches, doll stomping, doll smashing, dolls on fire, and sleeping with corpses! 4/5!

DOLLS (2019)

A hard drinkin’ children’s author not only inherits his mama’s house after she mysteriously lands on a knife with her head, but a gang of dolls she helped exorcise ghosts and demons into as well, and they’re just itchin’ to kill anyone associated with their predicament. An impressively entertainin’ flick on a shoestring budget, the compellin’ chemistry ‘mong the cast really pulls me into the story and be less nit picky over all the short-cut effects used for the killer dolls. Acceptin’ it for what it is with all its limitations, I think this is a solid fun time for a chilled movie night. Home Alone style impalement, trip wires, booby trap shears, flirtin’ minors, off camera exorcisms, possessed story book doodlin’ and writin’, supernatural illusions, suicidal baths, home invadin’, psycho wards, stabbin’s, and Dee Wallace as the mad Cassandra figure! 3/5!

DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE (1980)

A bulk of a Vietnam vet is stranglin’ and rappin’ gals up and down the streets of LA, and he’s got his sites set on a radio psychologist he teases over the phone with bad accents. While this is a well thought out police drama kinda slasher, it lacks any memorable kills, musters very little tension, and completely ruins scenes with its wacky score. I gotta give props to the actin’ though, ’cause most the actors give their all, especially Nicholas Worth who burns the screen up as the killer with the intensity of wired mad man which must’ve unnerved some co-stars. Gunned down pimps, whore house raids, murder on the airwaves, payphone taunts, photoshoots gone horribly wrong, pantyhose stranglin’ with coins, psychic helpers, hooker stranglin’, fatal hitch hikin’, home invadin’, off camera rappin’, kidnappin’, unlawful stick ’em ups, handcuff rippin’, and bullets to the dick! 3/5! 

DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE aka THE BURNING (1979)

When Donny’s abusive mother passes away, voices in his head encourage ’em to jump on the furniture, crank his music to 11, and cook gals with a flamethrower. A forgotten horror gem that tells the story from the killer’s perspective, this is like watchin’ a Batman villain’s origin with tragic backstories and sick delusions leadin’ this guy to don an asbestos suit and make himself a supportive circle of toasty friends he can share his feein’s with. Well made with strong performances, the only sour I’m willin’ to bitch ’bout is the voice in Donny’s head not bein’ played up enough. Human matchsticks, holy fires, burnt-up mamas, Ted Bundy trickery, extra crispy corpses, revenge of the overcooked dead, beachy nightmare sequences, literal disco infernos, child abuse over stovetops, parkin’ garage brawls, house fires, flamin’ perms, kidnapped women, and a whole scene dedicated to the process of buyin’ a suit for parties under the disco ball! 4/5!

DON’T GO TO SLEEP (1982)

After little Jennifer accidentally burns alive in a wreck caused by her dad’s drinking, she doesn’t think her family mourns her death enough and haunts her younger sister to kill them all. Better than expected (especially for a TV movie), this flick offers a whimsical score, interesting characters with family dynamics you can invest in, and just keeps surprising us with what family members get axed! Bonfire beds, screaming grannies, airborne brothers, splish splash deaths, rubber rooms, Iguana cutaways, and the only time we’ve ever seen a killer use a pizza cutter like a buzzsaw murder weapon! 4/5!

DON’T HANG UP (2016)

High school crank yankers get a taste of their own medicine when a victim of one of their phone pranks goes all Saw meets Scream on them with hacker games of life and death in their livin’ room. I wasn’t expectin’ much, but this proves to be a well made flick that successfully keeps me engaged with suspenseful twist and turns and a mysterious killer who never fails to surprise me as the movie develops. Strong actin’, good writin’, and impressive cinematography. Big Brother TVs and laptops, hacked phones, kidnappin’s, creepy vans, sneaky stalkers, cyber stalkin’, mindfuck games, stabbin’s, bullets to the head, fatal ultimatums, suffocations, and pizza delivery gags! 4/5!

DON’T KNOCK TWICE (2016)

Urban legends say ya knock on the front door of Mary Aminov’s old haunt once, ya raise her from the dead. Knock twice, she’s out to collect ya for her demon master’s supper! That’s just what one tough teen from Wales dares to do, and the surprisingly true tale sends her racin’ to her mama (played by Katee Sackhoff) who does everythin’ she can to keep her daughter off the menu. I really dig the look of the supernatural boogers in this flick and appreciate the filmmakers’ efforts to echo demonic horrors from the ’70s with the camera work and edits. My only complaint (other than Sackhoff’s British accent bein’ so inconsistent) is how fuckin’ convoluted Mary’s backstory gets to be with all the misdirection and red herrin’ that robs the final scene of its full wa-pow! Interdimensional travel, door burnin’, free floatin’ teens, bloody graffiti, nails through feet, cursed necklaces, demons eatin’ young’ns off screen, throat slittin’ ghosts, cursed door knockers, pushy cops, escapes from the orphanage, girls in cages, crawlin’ demons with boobs like tennis balls in socks, and supernaturally wrecked rooms! 3/5!  

DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)

Twisted by the sight of his Santa decked dad killing his mama years earlier, the slasher in this ho-ho-holiday horror goes on a St. Nick killing spree in London with Scotland Yard and a couple of young lovers trying to figure out who he is. Not the most exciting Christmas horror to get you in the scary spirit of the season, but its got double digit body count and lots of hot women that includes a Santa babe sure to keep you warm on a wintery night. Santa alley sex, stabbings, strangling, restroom castrations, London Dungeon, spears to the head, machetes to the head, gouged eyeballs, Caroline Munro concerts, peep shows, auto electrocutions, explosive gifts, nudie photoshoots, faces roasting on an open fire, eating bullets, hangin’ deaths, and strippernappin’! 4/5!

DOOM ASYLUM (1988)

After a big-time lawyer nearly dies lockin’ lips with a Penthouse Pet while drivin’, his half-skinned ass takes up residence in an abandoned asylum where he confusingly dons a coroner theme for killin’ trespassin’ teens with medical tools. 10 years later, the killer sees his Penthouse Pet’s daughter randomly drop by with her friends for some sunbathin’, and the killer must decide if he’s gonna take a nap, watch a pissin’ time movie, or kill everyone to have her all to himself. This is one of them ’80s flicks that just as good as it is bad if that makes sense. The characters are fun, the location’s great, and the special effect make-ups and kills are gore-ious, but there’s a lot of awful actin’, meanderin’ pissin’ time, non-sense editin’, unexplainable props like whatever turns the rocker chick into a meat cube, and bafflin’ struggles between whether or not this is meant to be funny or tongue in cheek funny. One flash of boobs, baseball cards on fishin’ lines, repetitive tunes galore, noggin’ drillin’, acid facials, hangin’ heads, stethoscope strangulation, toe cuttin’, needles to the neck, circular saws to the face, stabbin’s, non-sense rockin’, drum chess, silly romance sequences, head crushin’, ball kickin’, eye gougin’, and Patty Mullen runnin’ ’round in nothin’ but a bikini and denim the whole time! 3/5! 

DOOR IN THE WOODS (2019)

After installin’ a mysterious door they find chained in the woods, a family’s home becomes a gateway to a young’n lovin’ booga boo, and they gotta call in a deaf cowboy shaman to negotiate the return of their son. A decent flick that might’ve worked better as a short, I’m torn ‘tween how long but engagin’ the last chunk of the movie is with the shaman’s repeated failures to make contact with the spirit world which I gotta admit is a clever way to pad the runnin’ time with my new favorite movie psychic. The only real sours I think are worth bitchin’ ’bout is how disappointin’ the spirit world is after bein’ hyped for over 10 minutes, and how the dad looks bored outta his skull while witnessin’ supernatural phenomena he never had much belief in. Hicks with all the exposition, packs of ghost young’ns, toy car seances, possessions, booga boo bargainin’, salt circles, automatic writin’, all new Ouija board tricks, and dirty hands from beyond the veil! 3/5!

DOPPELGANGER (1993)

In one of the most bafflin’ flicks I’ve ever seen, Drew Barrymore’s sufferin’ an identity crises like no other and has to convince everyone it ain’t her killin’ her rich family members, but a ghostly doppelganger that’s been tauntin’ her for decades. Luckily, she bangs her new roommate into bein’ her puppy-dog protector, and nothin’ will stop him from exposin’ the truth behind all her craziness. This ’90s erotica is essentially a Ruin My Lifetime thriller of the week ’til a monstrous finale comes right outta left field and restores our faith in it as a horror at the last possible minute. A finale, I gotta say, that makes very little sense! When it turns out Drew legit suffers from a multiple personality disorder, it’s then revealed her doppelganger’s really been her Scooby villain of a shrink this whole time, manipulatin’ her with an ensemble of rubber masks for her fortune. But that twist is instantly overshadowed by an even more outrageous turn of events when Drew’s body twirls into a worm that becomes a cocoon for two stumblin’ meat puppets on sticks, throwin’ everythin’ I think is goin’ on out the window! Loony bin assassinations, stabbin’s galore, Scooby-Doo mask unveilin’s, blood spewin’ showers with boobs, sexy-solo dancin’, daddy issues, awkwardly dubbed FBI agents, bogus nightmare scares, questionable monster footage, fatal freefalls on fence posts, monstrous puppets, and a pointless build-up to an even more pointless scene with a sex phone operator with all the answers that ‘mount to jack squat when all’s said and done! 4/5! 

DOWN aka THE SHAFT (2001)

An updated American remake of The Lift which makes even less sense, a freak lightenin’ storm fries a high rise’s elevator runnin’ on organic microchips and turns it into an unbelievable killin’ machine only a painfully 2000’s lookin’ Naomi Watts and strugglin’ elevator repairman can stop with a bazooka. Directed by the same fella responsible for the original flick, this version is a lot fancier with a much better romance ‘tween the lead and his news gal sidekick, but the whole idea behind the killer elevator isn’t any clearer. Like why did a scientist put these experimental bio-chips in a single elevator of all things and how was the crooked elevator manager gonna profit from it exactly? And just where’s the logic in it suckin’ folks into it and firin’ ’em off the roof at break neck speeds? Worth a look so long as ya don’t sweat the details! Explosions, hung dogs, blind freefalls, handsy hair appointments, extreme rollberbladin’ to Aerosmith, possibly the scariest elevator deaths ever committed to celluloid with passengers fallin’ through the floor ‘fore it rockets through the roof, young’n slappin’, decapitations, hangin’s, overheated pregos, elevator births, SWAT officers cut in half, elevator infernos, jump cutty scene transitions, and livin’ shaft cables! 3/5!

DOWN (2019)

A man and woman get stuck in an office buildin’ elevator for hours on Valentine’s weekend and hook up to help pass the time. The fun fling goes south, however, when the gal rejects the fella for usin’ the “L” which makes him snap and reveal some sinister truths ’bout their predicament. For a four wall Ruin My Lifetime-kinda movie with only two folks to keep me hooked, this is some very impressive filmmakin’. Great use of the lightin’, the sex scene is pretty hot, and the back and forth between the two actors is top shelf chemistry. Sex in an elevator without boobs, dumpster burnin’ deaths, impalement, folks cut in half in an elevator, head bashin’ with flashlights, elevator shaft chases, and obsessed stalkers! 4/5! 

DOWN A DARK HALL (2018)

Uma Thurman corrals a gang of she-juvies to her remote boardin’ school and secretly manipulates them to the verge of suicide as vessels channelin’ the spirits of dead artists wantin’ to finish their work. Talk ’bout savin’ the arts, this is a great new spin on the classic evil school story I’ve never seen before, and it’s wonderfully shot with a lot of solid actin’ from some of horror’s newest blood. The only sours I fault this flick for is not kickin’ up the tension faster with a death or two, and I feel the scarred pianist ghost didn’t deliver whatever he was built up to be. Possessions, Evil Dead make-up, ghostly gang-ups, school infernos, tough hench wenches, forbidden teacher’s pet romances, spooky figures in a hallway, haunted attics, magic circles, possessed math, possessed musicality, possessed paintin’, possessed writin’, and human matchsticks! 3/5! 

DOWNRANGE (2017)

A gang of college road ramblers are randomly pinned by a lone sniper on a stretch of backroad and gotta think on their feet with nothin’ but a shot up vehicle between them, and a bullet to the head. One of them single scene survivor flicks, this jumps right into the action without any openin’ credits and slowly builds steam that takes me from a half interested state of viewin’ to edge of my sofa starin’ contest with the TV that begs the question, “What would I do?” Crisp camerawork, firm actin’, and gore-tastic violence, the only complaint I got ’bout this thing is how indifferent I remain toward the victims to the bitter indie end. Explodin’ heads, shot out eyes, showers of gunfire, infernos on wheels, one of the most violent car wrecks ever captured on celluloid, wolves, head crushin’, and human matchsticks! 4/5! 

D-RAILED (2018)

It’s Halloween night and a bunch of yahoos are enjoyin’ a ride on a murder mystery train ’til some back stabbin’ thieves cause ’em all to fly off the tracks into beast infested waters. While the cast, camerawork, and monster effects are commendable, this little flick that could suffers from a compartmentalized script that makes it feel like I’m watchin’ a different movie every half hour. It starts out a crime thriller, turns into a disaster flick and then takes a hard right into a cabin in the woods horror ‘fore wrappin’ up with one of ’em bullshit twist endin’s it could really do without. Still a fun watch, regardless. Train wrecks, almost Pirates of the Caribbean level double crossin’, train robbin’, butterfinger sea beasts, monstrous maulin’s, arm rippin’, bullets to the head, misfire massacres, sardine snackin’, ghosts, haunted train cars, eye poppin’ heads eaten whole, and a blip of a cameo by Lance Henriksen! 3/5!

DR. ALIEN (1989)

When a college bookworm volunteers for extra credit with his bangin’ new biology teacher, she slips him an experimental sex serum and gives him a puckerin’ asshole out the top of his head that makes the ladies crazy. All’s fun and questionably rape ’til the teach reveals herself to be an alien, and our hero turned sex machine must decide between saving her race or hookin’ up with his college crush. A guilty pleasure, this is simply a light hearted sci-fi sex comedy with a pretty decent story and plenty of boobs without crossin’ over into any dirty grindin’. Only complaint is the leadin’ man in his late teens soundin’ too much like a 12 year old. Fantasy boobs, girls locker rooms, drive-inn dates, rock band performances, sex with aliens, Scooby-Doo reveals, proton cannons, concert chaos, street racin’, Creepozoids nods, school yard brawls, sad slow mo kicks to the face, and Linnea Quigley in concert! 3/5!

DR. CYCLOPS (1940)

Scientists and jungle jimbos hike it to a jungle research station to look in on a near-blind scientist’s findings, only to piss him off and be zapped into living G.I.Joe dolls with stabbing action by a radium powered shrink ray. Don’t expect to see any one-eyed monsters in this live-action Tom & Jerry meets Honey I Shrunk the Kids. The whole cyclops thing is just a comparison  the tiny victims use for their predicament against the greedy egghead with coke bottles for eyes. Giant cats, giant dogs, one cool death by laserbeams, beautiful Technicolor that pops off the screen, not to mention mules and the men who love them. 3/5!

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE (1965)

Vincent Price plays the ’66 Batman villain that never was, Dr. Goldfoot! Buildin’ a machine that stamps out bikini clad fembots, Dr. G’s buxom gold diggers aggressively seek out the world’s richest men for marriage then threaten them with blue balls ‘less they sign over their fortunes. Things are goin’ accordin’ to plan until a beach blanket bingo star plays detective and dares to blow Dr. G’s diabolical operation wide open. If you enjoy a lot of ’60s silliness you’ve seen spoofed in Austin Powers films, then you’ll get a kick out of this quirky light-hearted adventure with a movie villain Price joyously hams up. Gold bikini fembots, fembot torture, re-animated assistants, ray shootin’ lipstick, opera glasses with poison tip daggers, gold pixie shoes, car and motorcycle chases through San Francisco, trollies flyin’ off cliffs, explodin’ cars, explosive drinks, shackled dinners, secret passageways, accelerated educations, hands poppin’ off, old dungeons, boxin’ suitcases, and recycled scenes of Price from The Pit and the Pendulum! 3/5! 

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (1966)

While Mr. G’s first campy adventure is considered a flop in the US box office, he does manage to find some success overseas where Italian filmmakers are eager to continue his wacky adventures for global domination. Rather than subtly stealin’ money out from millionaires’ noses, Mr. G’s now built a machine that cranks out fembot assassins who seduce powerful war leaders for some explosive lip action. While this sequel offers more deadly eye candy and ham actin’ than the first flick, it fails to give us any heroes to care about, doesn’t focus on any particular fembot like before, and guts all the horror elements out for pure spy parody. And nothin’ against Italians’, but I don’t think their Benny Hill slapstick treatment of Mr. G was all that funny to laugh at. It’s like those times you catch yourself not cacklin’ at a cartoon when the laugh track’s goin’ off the rails! Explosive fembots, everywhich way periscopes, 2 dipshits turned spies, Asian henchmen, green screen freefalls, gold pixie shoes, 4th wall breakage, long chase sequences, brief dance numbers, men in gold bikinis, axe wieldin’ robot doubles, mirror gags, Asian assistants named Hardjob, straddlin’ nukes, and Vincent Price plays Mr. G pretendin’ to be a general played by himself! 2/5!

DR. MOREAU’S HOUSE OF PAIN (2004)

In this period piece, a lousy fighter traces his missing brother to a secret lab where Dr. Moreau has been taken prisoner by his own beastly creations and experiments on kidnapped victims to help turn the mutants human. All around good acting with pretty decent make-up for the manimals, the story’s classic without being hackneyed and the dramatic tension holds up. Best part is the jaguar woman who far surpasses the feline fatales of Cat People (1982) and The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996). Pig men, hyena men, fish face women, pig man sex for freedom, manimal stippers, jaguar women sex, human rag dolls, and fists through heads! 3/5!

DREAD (2009)

A nudie paintin’ loony wrangles some college classmates to shoot the world’s most serious student video studyin’ folks’ fears, but he goes off the deep end when he stops takin’ his anti-ax killer meds for whatever reason and forces his friends to face their fears in fucked up ways. Based on a story by Clive Barker, this flick showcases some compellin’ actin’, a bitchin’ soundtrack, and cinematography that reminds me of Flatliners, but the pacin’ and escalation of danger feels off, and I don’t think the lead weirdo’s decision to ditch his meds is convincin’ enough. Fair warnin’, if you watch this to the end, be prepared for one depressin’ly dark endin’! Deafenin’ head gear, rotten meat meals, kidnapped girls, rage against computers, drunk drivin’ brushes with death, strip club boobs, birth mark sex with boobs, pov axes to the face, folks hacked up, ass shots, bloodbaths with bleach and steel wool for soap, axes to the chest, bullets to the head, and delusions of strippers bein’ sliced ‘n diced on stage! 3/5!

DREAM CRUISE (2007)

A crazy rich Asian takes his wife and lawyer on boat ride so he can dump ’em in the ocean for havin’ an affair, but the ghost of his last wife he killed rises from her watery grave and is pissed at everyone. This slow burn of a flick keeps ya engaged with its soap opera drama for the most part, but it really should have been shorter given its small cast and settin’. The dead wife effects are pretty cool to watch at the end, but I can’t help but wonder why a ghost has such a problem gettin’ through walls and doors? Hacked up heads, severed arm fights, hair tangled propellers, and green glowin’ Grudge lookin’ ghosts who crawl and walk on water! 3/5! 

DRIVE THRU (2007)

A high school girl is stalked by a fast food mascot named Horny who’s the murderous reincarnation of a classmate her mom accidentally killed years before. A killer clown flick that deserves waaay more attention, this unsung horror has a solid story, slick cinematography, and a sequel worthy killer with a memorable look. Ball pit terror, drive thru ambushes, haunted house ambushes, heads in microwaves, hung classmates, meat cleaver hackin’, possessions, human matchsticks, séances, stabbin’s, decapitations, and dead surprise parties! 4/5!

DROWNING ECHO (2018)

While visitin’ Florida, Sara ‘comes entangled in a monstrous drama at her best friend’s apartment complex where folks splash ’round in a pool hidin’ a mythical water creature who snuffs ’em out like the rapture. An overall solid movie, the only sour I can’t help but bitch ’bout is how long this sucker is with what feels like a handful of different endin’s. There’s just so many build-ups to what feels like satisfyin’ stoppin’ points, but the filmmakers either cop-out of the delivery like the quickie pool party I expected a lot more from or needlessly keep things rollin’ like episodic cliffhangers. Folks drownin’ from the inside out, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’, poolside fisty cuffs, stepdad death sentences, chunks of found footage breaks, booga boo monks, immortal human hosts, flooded eye effects, nose bleeds, shower traps, repetitive teleportations to the bottom of the pool, The Abyss nods, failed Jaws nods, evil CGI water, unhelpful psychics, dick wailin’ with a lead pipe, and forced strippin’! 3/5! 

THE DUNWICH HORROR (1970)

When a goody two shoes librarian makes friends with the local loon, little does she know she’s bein’ prepped for sacrifice to usher in interdimensional bein’s described in her library’s latest acquisition, the Necronomicon. Based on the classic H.P. Lovecraft story, this flick’s a bit of a slow burn but far from borin’ with its hip visuals, eerie build-up, and Dean Stockwell’s creepily calm performance as Wilbur Whateley. It’s biggest flaw is a non-existent hero, a villain you can’t root for, and one hell of an anti-climatic endin’ with every character lackin’ effort and development. Library brawls, historic lynch tours, pillow talk picnics, roofies, auto sabotage, grandpas fallin’ down stairs, theatrical geezer make-ups, tentacle creatures, secret twins, asylums, impalements, mental visions, farm massacres, rubber room crones with no panties, sacrificial rituals, library thefts, monster visions, funny ritual faces, twist baby endin’s, and spontaneous combustion freefalls! 3/5!