C – R-Rated Reviews

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So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

CABIN FEAR aka SECLUSION (2015)

A soon-to-be-wed couple invites their friends to their marriage in the boonies with a weekend getaway at a swank cabin, but someone ain’t happy about it and slashin’ folks left and right. The cinematography is crisp, and the story’s decent enough, but the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired and derails a lot of the tension for lukewarm laughs. I’m still not certain I can even begin to understand the killer’s motive once they’re revealed! Stabs to the crotch, huntin’ with arrows, shower slashin’, boobs, sabotaged insulin, axed arms, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, red herrin’s, bogus scares gettin’ a facial, and road head! 3/5!

YCABINFEVERCABIN FEVER (2016)

If you saw the first Cabin Fever, then you’ve already seen this carbon copy remake that’s the exact same script filmed nearly shot for shot from Eli Roth’s original work about kids getting stuck in a bumfuck nowhere cabin with a flesh eating disease killing them. No new surprises or spins on a familiar concept, just chameleon filmmakers giving us the EXACT same movie almost line for line with microscopic changes that ain’t worth anyone’s time to recreate much less watch. Crazed dogs, biting hillbilly young’ns, angry hillbillies, dead pigs, dead dogs, last chance sex, finger bang misfires, bloody vomits, death shacks, hermits on fire, guitar clobberings, dog attacks, bloodbaths . . . every fucking thing you already saw in the first movie, with the exact same if not worse special effects compared to Roth’s version. 2/5!

CAMP HELL (2010)

This is advertised as a horror, but far from it. A teenage boy is havin’ conflictin’ emotions and thoughts about his religious beliefs at summer Bible camp, leavin’ his overbearin’ pastor to believe a demon is at work and needs to be cleansed from the boy through prayer and repentance. This flick is full of disappointments thanks to 3 big expectations; demons, secret orders brainwashin’/possessin’ youths, and Jesse Eisenberg as the advertised star. You get a blip of the boy thinkin’ he sees a demon at the end, there is no such twist to the story much less any grand reveal, and Jesse only has a small cameo, appearin’ in one fleetin’ scene at the beginnin’ of the movie. This is ultimately a comin’ of age story with a teenager feelin’ overwhelmin’ guilt for questionin’ his beliefs hammered into him since childhood and pushed over the edge when his pastor wants to talk about his masturbation schedule and dry hump dates. No horror, monsters, nudity, positive or alternative outlooks about religion, or cursin’ from what I can remember. How the hell did this even earn an R ratin’?! 2/5!

THE CAMPUS (2018)

It’s a more serious take on Groundhog Day meets horror as an estranged daughter is caught in a time loop with a deadline as the devil comes to collect her soul one respawn death at a time. First off, I hate the title. It makes me think the story will take place at a college campus, but nearly the whole movie is shot at this confusin’ one stop set that’s a store/house/bar/storage facility/funeral home. The actin’ is convincin’, and the gore and special effects are impressive, but there’s a lack of tension and energy I think more kinetic edits, camerawork, and additional supportin’ characters might have helped. Zombies, demons, killer taxidermy, severed arms, killer mannequins, eyeball poppin’ effects, pulsatin’ flesh, bloodspray, nods to The Strangers, stabbin’s, deals with the devil, and magical artifacts! 3/5!  

CANARIES aka ALIEN PARTY CRASHERS (2017)

Time travelin’ e.t.s invade a small Welsh town and disrupt some yokels’ New Year’s Eve party with mutatin’ rain and a homicidal army of slicker wearin’ experiments in horrible need of a manicure. For somethin’ so epic involvin’ time travel, government conspiracies, and cross continent storytellin’, I don’t feel like a lot happens in this flick thanks to the slowburn escalation of danger the partiers experience. And as soon as the pace picks up, the movie ends with the filmmakers savin’ all the excitement for a sequel I ain’t holdin’ my breath to see. Despite that, however, the cast is pretty sweet with a bunch of funny personalities clickin’ together as a pretty entertainin’ ensemble that gives me a laugh. Party slashin’, e.t. experiments, e.t. fishermen hybrids, phones from the future, bodies fallin’ from the sky with spears, somethin’ to do with Vietnam, good-bye lines lifted from The Terminator, impaled faces, e.t. home invaders, and broken interplanetary treaties! 3/5! 

CANDY CORN (2019)

After small town bullies kick the life out of the local slowped for Halloween fun, his new employer at the travelin’ freak show resurrects him as a candy corn munchin’ zombie who halfheartedly tears his killers apart one by one. Despite this bein’ a wonderfully produced throwback to the VHS era with the same revenge story I love in The Crow and Pumpkinhead, the filmmakers’ sloppy treatment of their characters completely ruins the film. The slowped lacks any substance for me to to give a shit ’bout his situation, interconnectin’ characters fail to gel with ’em spendin’ more time apart than together, and I don’t know who to root for ’cause the guilt-ridden girlfriend and backwoods sheriff constantly compete for the story’s point of view which ultimately results in one big ineffective endin’. The only cast member to come out unscathed is The Greasy Strangler‘s Sky Elobar as Gus, the skeezy party guy. Slowped lynchin’, somewhat understandable dwarf magic, arm rippin’, mouths stuffed with candy corn, spine rippin’, throat crushin’, fantasy boobs, restroom stall executions, head yankin’, movie theater make-out sessions, strange Halloween decor featurin’ some musical cat, tooth pullin’, P.J. Soles on the phone, and Tony Todd in an eye-patch! 3/5!

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (1980)

Kind of a borderline zombie version of First Blood, American war vets return home from Vietnam and just want a bite to eat. Unfortunately, their appetite is for human flesh thanks to a bizarre jungle virus they picked up rescuin’ P.O.W.s years earlier. With police and vengeful biker gangs gunnin’ for them, John Saxon and his savage troops tear through the streets in search of their next meal and spread the disease of their bloodlust. While the gore-tastic effects and top shelf actin’ is appreciated, the logic behind the virus itself is what distracts me from fully enjoyin’ this flick. Like the randomness of John Saxon takin’ years to become a cannibal versus people instantly goin’ flesh eater from one bite and joinin’ his pack without question. Girl next door affairs, peek-a-bush, cannibal young’ns, shotguns to the face, human matchsticks, flamethrowers in the sewers, rats, cannibal meals on the go, chunks bitten out of topless theater dates, loony bin escapes, tongues bitten out of folks’ faces, leg bitin’, and lots of gunfire! 3/5!

CAPPS CROSSING (2017)

A hammy nutcase claims a neck of the woods he kills his girlfriend in and kills anyone trespassin’ like a recent camp of vacationin’ hikers. While I applaud the pretty locations, nighttime lightin’, and descent concept for a slasher flick, I can’t endure the unbearable sours of this low budget horror I found myself fastforwardin’ through. The edits lack finesse, there’s too much bad actin’ punctuated by forced emotions, the kills are uneventful, the killer looks way too clean-cut to be some loon livin’ in the wild and is about as threatenin’ as 10 year olds playfightin’ as Rambo in the backyard. Head bashin’, deaths in the shithouse, stabbin’s, shitty alibies, firearms, severed hands, throat slittin’, and forest ranger cover-ups! 2/5! 

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (2019)

It’s The Crow meets Darkman in a cyber punk future where a city’s most wanted cyborgs turn a dick of a district attorney into street pizza to protect their dirty dealin’s, but the prosecutor’s soul possesses his fancy A.I. equipped car to hunt and kill everyone one of them while obsessively stalkin’ his ex-girlfriend on the side. A loose sequel to The Car (1977), there’s no direct link between the two movies other than Ronny Cox makin’ a quick cameo as a supposedly new character who chops the ol’ ’77 Car to fix some dents in the new one. This flick’s a flashy joyride, mixin’ a lot of cool ideas in a crazy way with some impressive special effects, but the story doesn’t feel grounded ‘nough with a worthwhile character to really be effective, the pacin’s a little quick, and the last girl is in more danger from sci-fi punks ‘stead of our killer on wheels. CGI car flip decapitations, flamin’ facials, fatal freefalls, finger drills, flamethrowin’ arms, car crushed goons, cybernetic appendages, spike arms, costume party lookin’ minions from every time period, techno peepers, eye gougin’, senior road kill, dirty cops, crooked officials, demolition strip clubs, boobs in cages, cop drama, heads drillin’, explosions, cliff divin’, car chases, and garage massacres! 3/5! 

YCARNCARNIVORE (2000)

A monstrous government experiment escapes from a secret lab under a small town haunt, and its killer instinct is triggered by horny teens crashing overnight with gun toting suits racing in behind them. Featuring a pretty decent creature and laughable cast of characters, this doomed film really needed to push the envelope further with the humor and give the victims a bit more run for their money. Face ripping, monster vision, boobs, goofy sheriffs, hard life teens, lessons in sex equaling fear, secret agents who can’t change a tire, beauty and the beast moments, and solutions with big guns! 3/5!

ycarnCARNOSAUR (1993)

Roger Corman’s answer to Jurassic Park, this science gone bad flick asks the hard question; What came first, the chicken or the dino? A wacko doctor fills finger lickin’ chickens with genetic dino code, and a small town becomes ground zero for a case of the baby dino squirts with each newborn reptile rapidly growing into giant flailing puppets! See it to believe it, this mockbuster offers good variations of characters, decent mix-up of puppets and stop-motion dinos, and a laughable but interesting story. Chicken deaths, protestin’ hippie buffets, severed hands, laser cages, people birthing dinos, people birthing eggs, corporation cover-ups, embryo covered berries, pet-shop massacres, hawk screams for dino sounds, the smallest Bobcat construction vehicles vs dinos, sheriff showdowns with dinos in the street, dino-vision, and Clint Howard’s head is ripped off by a dino. 3/5!

ycarn2CARNOSAUR 2 (1995)

Take the plot from Aliens but replace the xenomorphs with dinos, and you got the lackluster sequel to Carnosaur. Dinos from the first movie escape a lab hidden in a nuclear waste repository, accidentally initiating a meltdown an unprepared team of Geek Squad action hero wannabes have to stop without becoming lunch. Not as clever of a story as the first movie with fewer characters to care about, this was essentially a Tom and Jerry movie with people outwitting rubber dinos chasing them the whole time. Arms ripped off in gory fashion, ambush dino hitchhikers, fatal dino freefalls, forklifts vs dinos, TNT defenses, and young’n tag-a-longs. 2/5!

x01CARNY (2009)

A crooked carny bags the Jersey Devil for his traveling sideshow, but some brats throw one too many peanuts at the 13th son and causes him to go on a blood thirsty rampage only Sheriff Lou Diamond Phillips can save a small town from. Further proof not all Syfy original movies are misses, this TV horror has top notch acting, a surprisingly good CGI devil, an energetic pace, and dares to break away from Syfy movie’s typical bleak washes to actually give us eye popping colors! Tranqs galore, plot developin’ peanuts, devil air strikes, eye gouging, bad fortunes, Ferris wheel chaos, fatal freefalls, dog death, freaks, and pastors vs cryptzoos! 4/5!

THE CARPENTER (1988)

After Alice suffers a mental breakdown, her cheatin’ husband moves them into an unfinished dream house where she falls in love with a new imaginary friend she meets in the basement. Emotions run high, but this supposed hallucination is really the short fused ghost of a homicidal carpenter killin’ shoddy craftsmen and anyone who crosses his new squeeze. This ain’t the most thrillin’ haunted house flick, but the lead performances are engagin’ enough to wanna see this through to the less than epic endin’. The deaths are pretty memorable, but mostly for how cheesy they look. Heads crushed in vices, sawed off arms, nail gunned pregos and rats, attempted rape, supernatural dances, off screen drill dick dreams, drunken booty calls, folks crucified to the floor with tools, human matchsticks, ghostly pains linked with haunts, transparent lingerie, power tools to the face, and folks drilled into Swiss cheese! 3/5!

CARVER’S GATE (1996)

A deep-fried  shit burrito of film noir and horror wrapped in sci-fi, this made for TV movie may entice you with the promise of monster mayhem but don’t fall for it. In the post-apocalypse, people escape their nuclear lifestyles in virtual reality games, but an impossible rift opens between the real world and cyberspace, unleashing impressive Power Ranger looking beasts to wreck havoc. Good acting, blah story, and 3.5 sorry ass monster scenes that end as soon as they begin. This so-so sci-fi at least has the best reaction to a poor son-of-a-bitch gett’n his head popped off like a human Pez dispenser.  3/5!

CAST A DEADLY SPELL (1991)

Magic spells and fantastic beasts are the norm in 1940s L.A., and a private dick named Harry P. Lovecraft’s been hired to retrieve the Necronomicon for a man he suspects may wanna collect-call a vagina face god for some apocalyptic shenanigans. While this HBO original hits all the trite beats of a dime store detective novel (without the usual head-scratchin’ knot of a mystery), it manages to keep things interestin’ with a bunch of monsters and special effects thrown in the mix ‘long with a sweet cast of character actors that keep me engaged. Definitely one of Fred Ward’s best performances with tons of t-shirt worthy wisecracks. Gremlins, voodoo zombies, papercut-nados, drag queens, fortune tellin’ dance classes, run-on scenes of Julianne Moore lounge singin’ the audience to sleep, restroom assassinations, guilty werewolves, saucy vamps, voodoo doll murders, unicorn huntin’ virgins, zombie carpenters, puke-worthy ties, gargoyle bodyguards, gargoyle-vision, gunshots to the gut, giant man-eatin’ Lovecraft beasts, floatin’ office supplies, and flammin’ fingers! 4/5!

ycellCELL (2016)

People’s cell phones turn them into a crazed army of violent pawns for a mysterious entity known as the President of the Internet, and John Cusack must brave the human dial toning jukeboxes to find his son. Much better than I expected, this isn’t another hackneyed zombie survival film, but a unique kind of Body Snatchers story with some fresh ideas I hadn’t seen before. 10x better than those horrible Pulse movies! Human barbeque sleepovers, graphic novel premonitions, men eating their dogs, Lloyd Kaufman cameos, ice cream trucks serving explosive flavors, and a debatable ending with very little to no plot explanation! 3/5!

CHASING THE DEVIL (2014)

A guy blames demonic possession for his sister’s sudden suicide and rallies a gang of paranormal investigators to help him stop the demon with found footage before it hurts anyone else. Nothin’ spectacular but far from a terrible movie, this flick actually offers a more entertainin’ story than most other exorcist quickies, keeping the action movin’ with a tricky devil who likes to play games that fuck with the characters’ heads. I think the only real sour is half the cast needin’ to be replaced with stronger actors. Face bittin’, possessed masterbatin’ with coins, hairball treasures, demonic voices, musical chair version of demonic possessions, demonic sleepwalkin’, sleep writin’, cameras galore, eye gougin’, electrified deaths, and throat slittin’! 3/5! 

CHILD EATER (2016)

When a new family moves into a town’s old haunt, they stir up the local boogeyman Robert Bowery, the ghost of a killer senior who eats folks’ eyes to fix his own failin’ sight. So, hold yer horses . . . shouldn’t this be called Eye Eater then? Anyway, this is a sweet movie with all the ingredients of a solid horror. Lively cinematography, conflicted last girls, Cassandra characters doublin’ as heroes, perfectly creepy music that heightens the scares, and a wicked lookin’ monster in an abandoned zoo settin’. Despite all this, however, the movie does degrade into a mind numbin’ rerun of Tom and Jerry the last half of the movie which is always a major sour for me. Dead baby stories with evil storks, eye gougin’, creepy games of hide and seek with fugly masks, baby mama drama, fatal force feedin’, fake eyes, monsters in the closet, and ghosts versus guns with surprisin’ results! 4/5! 

CHILD’S PLAY (2019)

When Andy’s given a factory busted robo-doll named Chucky for his birthday, the toy’s malfunctionin’ iPhone for a brain copies what it sees in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and assassinates anyone it sees as a threat to their artificial friendship. A reimaginin’ of the ’88 horror classic featurin’ a serial killer’s spirit trapped in a My Buddy spoof, this legal loophole of a film ixnays all the hoodoo voodoo in favor of technophobia with the killer ankle biter now written as a confused robot linked with surroundin’ devices it can sic on folks. I think this is a solid movie overall and should really be a vehicle for introductin’ an all new horror villain ‘stead of recyclin’ Chuck for an easy payday. Especially since this robo-Chucky is never self-aware, leavin’ it devoid of any personality or grit that made the original psycho-doll so much fun to watch. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is the horrible castin’ regardin’ age range, ’cause Andy looks way too old for this toy, and the chemistry between him and his youthful lookin’ mama feels more like siblin’s than parent and child. Cat stranglin’, dissin’ palybacks, bone snappin’, wrong uses of the word “poetic,” stabbin’s, massacred heads, several E.T. nods, killer drones, self-drivin’ car wrecks, pervy maintenance guys, table saws up the crotch, robotic operations, gift-wrapped watermelon’s decorated with cheatin’ lovers’ faces, dead cats, hacked TV bashin’, killer doll vision, kidnapped milfs, fatal freefalls, extremely disgruntled factory workers, retail store massacres, doll lynch mobs, small armies of killer dolls, and Mark Hamill slips into Joker for the briefest second at the very end! 3/5! 

y09THE CHILDREN (1980)

A leak at the nuclear power plant creates a toxic fog that transforms a bus of young’ns into zombie-like mutants whose greatest weapon is . . . corrosive hugs! See it to believe it, this Troma released film ain’t a half-assed gag some simpleton slapped together but a legit horror flick that’s well made with solid camerawork, successful effects, and believable actors you actually give a damn about. Prego twist endings, swordplay, hand chopping, backseat ambushes, fatal hugs, burnt up corpses, games of death tag, fun with power windows, young’n hunts, bicyclin’ blondes, bikini babe dog owners, young’n target practice, airborne young’ns, and young’n slappin’. 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

A couple accidentally run over a human speedbump and take an unexpected detour to Gatlin, Nebraska where children have slaughtered the adults and been livin’ as corn worshippin’ loons under the guidance of a creepy preachin’ young’n named Isaac for 3 years. This Lord of the Flies meets the Farmers’ Almanac is a pretty decent idea with interestin’ enough characters but could have played up the scares a lot more with the adults bein’ at the mercy of brainwashed young’ns servin’ “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” Good mornin’ dancin’, diner massacre, artistic visions of the future, corn crosses, crucified cop husks, ginger henchmen, rocket powered preachers, possessions, stabbin’s, supernatural storms, young’n roadkill, dogs killed offscreen, gassy geezers, chest carvin’, cartoon gods, throat slittin’, cornfield arsons, freaky little preachers, cartoon possessions, ghost towns, blood party punch, neck snaps, young’n corn duels, and young’ns beaten with car doors! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

Followin’ the horror uncovered at the end of the last flick, people from all over swarm Gatlin, Nebraska for the parentless corn young’ns. Unsuspectin’ folks from the neighborin’ town are quick to adopt them, and the media are hungry for all the gory details that left their home a ghost town. Only one discredited rag journalists draggin’ along an ungrateful son sticks around long enough get the real scoop on the reformin’ corn cult and even gets mixed up in some shady town business involvin’ bad corn that could have started the corn craze. A surprisingly good follow-up to the original that offers lots of outlandish deaths, fun characters, dynamic relationships that easily hook you in clever ways, and explores more of the corn mythology without gettin’ too complicated. Only hiccup worth mentionin’ in this whole thing is the troubled son’s intention to really join the corn young’ns or not and his local heartthrob’s connection to it all. Bodies in the basement, houses dropped on old ladies, remote control wheelchairs, bingo parlors, trucks slammin’ seniors through windows, waterhole swimmin’, severed hand make-out sessions, possessions that look like crazy CGI theme park rides on a molecular level, Native Americans with all the expositions, livin’ corn stalks, airborne cornstalks breakin’ through windshields, corn crosses, wooden voodoo dolls, faces springin’ blood spewin’ leaks, town meetin’s on fire, corn mold in the wind, demon facials, harvest to death, ’66 Batman traps, bed, boobs, and breakfast, stabbin’s, Native American spirits, and news team slaughter on the scene! 4/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: URBAN HARVEST (1995)

You can take the boy outta the corn, but you can’t take the corn outta of the boy! A country young’n converts to corn and is flown to live with a foster family in Chicago with his older brother after their daddy “disappears.”  Faster than you can say “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” the smug brat starts plantin’ his dark magic and convinces his school it’s cool to be corny while his brother hurries to disband the cult which includes Charlize Theron! This series continues to impress as we’re given a sequel that feels fresh with a new direction while maintainin’ story elements that made the first films so memorable and pushin’ their limits at the same time. Great relationships among the characters, an unforgettable villain, solid effects, and one hell of a monster scene at the end! Tag tram preachin’, nightmare sequences, two brothers to a bed, faces sewn shut, livin’ corn stalks, super corn crops for profit, suitcases full of creepy crawlies, corn bibles, school bullies, bum defenses, stabbin’s, b-ball, flesh meltin’ anti-smokin’ ads, head impalement on pipes, heads split in half, heads full of bugs, tainted meals, giant tentacle monsters, deadly dinners, head rippin’, and one really bad stop-motion victim! 5/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4: THE GATHERING (1996)

Naomi Watts returns home from med school to help care for her agoraphobic mama but gets caught up in a corn epidemic after the spirit of a pissed off young’n preacher named Josiah is resurrected from his secret grave in a well and starts convertin’ the town’s youngn’s to corn followers. The actin’s top notch, the effects are solid, and the villain’s got a rich backstory despite not havin’ much of a screen presence. There could have been more emotion among the core family we’re followin’ to help us invest in their dilemma more, and I didn’t feel like the mom’s death was enough of a payoff after all the time spent buidlin’ up her fears of bein’ attacked by blood slingin’ young’ns. Fallin’ farm tools pinnin’ drunks, killer young’m nightmares, boilin’ fevers, stretchers cuttin’ folks in half, possessed young’ns, stabbin’s, slicin’, quicksilver shotgun shells, evil preacher stories, seniors with all the expositions, throat slittin’, head impalements, corn blood, blood baths, ice baths, and livin’ corn stalks! 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 5: FIELDS OF TERROR (1998)

A weak entry in the corn young’n series, a gang of friends are on a road trip to spread some poor sucker’s ashes but find themselves trespassin’ in corn cult territory where I’m sure David Carradine is breakin’ a lot of child labor laws. Among the mess of backstories the characters bring to the table, one of the friends remembers their abandoned brother is in the cult and sticks around to save him before he reenacts Joe vs the Volcano with a sacrificial jump into a supernatural fire from “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” This flick expands the corn cult mythos, gives us entertainin’ enough characters, and has enough substance with the drama it dumps in, but is ehh at best. The cinematography tries too hard to spice up the story, the villain(s) are weak, the kills are a snooze fest, and the different characters’ backstories aren’t executed all that well and even seem to be competin’ at times. Girls gone ashy, blow-up doll road markers, stabbin’s, impalements, fatal freefalls onto farm equipment, cornfield chases, chainsaw chases, head splittin’ special effects, roasted faces, lit up firemen, suicide silos, possessed gingers, weak willed Latinos, squattin’, fire bombed cars wrecks, games of drill/torch/explosions, face slicin’, knocked-up young’ns, young’ns torturin’ young’ns, levitations, death by lightnin’, lynch clubs, and Kane “Voorhees” Hodder serves up drinks at the local waterin’ hole! 3/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN (1999)

In this slightly convoluted sequel hopin’ to put some fire back in the series, an 18 year old girl named Hannah blows into Gatlin searchin’ for her birth mama, and her arrival opens a whole can of cream corn. Destined to fulfill a prophecy as the first generation born from the first flick’s mayhem, Hannah’s chosen to mama the next generation of young’n killers for “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” and her Lamaze partner is the freaky preacher, Isaac, who’s been in a coma since becomin’ a possessed firework 19 years prior. Beautifully shot and featurin’ the best last girl in the series (next to Naomi Watts in part four of course), this film is a well structured mystery that ain’t too difficult to follow but does get a little muddled when we get into who’s whose young’n and what they’re expected to do for the prophecy. Isaac’s surprise return is a clever move on the filmmakers part, but I feel he deserves way more character development as an older character with the most experience in the cornfield. My biggest gripe with this flick is how easy it is for the heroes to defeat the latest incarnation of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” at the end. Jealous girlfriends cut in half, suicide scythes, Stacy Keach is electrocuted, sneaky injections, fake graves, bogus scare illusions, mama visions, impalements, gunshots to the face, unnecessary explosions, vanishin’ hitchhikers, extreme close-ups of barn shower love scenes, dirt bike chases, cult member murders, stabbin’s, levitations, and open ended endin’s! 3/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION (2001)

In this perfect example of a great story ruined by shitty execution, a granddaughter is lookin’ for her missin’ nana who just moved into an apartment buildin’ scheduled for demolition and gets caught up in a Body Snatchers inspired plot with a preachy ghost young’n transformin’ crazy tenants into obedient corn born killers. The film looks really slick and introduces new ideas for the corn that could have been incredibly creepy but just crash and burns with its snoozefest leads, poor audio edits, mind numbin’ pace, and waste of Michael Ironside’s superb talent as a pointless preacher repeatin’ stuff other characters already said. The over the top cripple in the wheelchair screamin’ obscenities like a crazed sailor is my favorite part. Rub-a-dub death with killer corn stalks, fatal freefalls, blood filled corn cobs, ghost faces in the sky, explosions, heart attacks, heads in coolers, free roamin’ young’ns, ghost young’ns, pointless preachers, corn young’ns playin’ the shit out of “House of the Dead,” field of screams, eternal youth is bein’ reborn from corn, basement farmers, corn wreaths, and the first pair of boobs to ever be bared in a corn flick! 2/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: GENESIS (2011)

As a stand alone movie, this is an impressive little flick fallin’ back on a good script and convincin’ actors to make up for a miniscule budget that grossly limits the sets and effects. As a Children of the Corn sequel, however, it leaves a lot to be desired after everythin’ we’ve seen the last 7 movies plus the remake. A man and his prego wife break down in the California desert and seek shelter with a Gatlin survivor who continues the corn cult practices. Somehow, the preacher’s got a young’n with scary psychic powers locked up in the backyard, and the concerned couple try savin’ the yard monster while strugglin’ to understand how any of this is tied to “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” A slow burn without a lot of payoff, not to mention possibly the lowest body count of the series, this flick does manage to provide us with one of the most realistic couples EVER caught on celluloid with them questionin’ everythin’ happenin’ and makin’ some excellent decisions for survivin’ a horror movie while callin’ out its bullshit. Airborne coppers, fatal freefalls, supernatural forcefields, impalements, car wrecks with stock footage car carriers, mail order brides, ‘Nam homecomin’ massacres, faces stuffed with corn cobs, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (2018)

Directed by the fella that made the Feast trilogy, this kernel of a sequel is a melodrama ’bout a mom and son bummin’ around the Midwest ’til they breakdown in a town under the influence of the killer corn young’ns the mom escaped over a decade earlier. While the series luckily rescues itself from the cheapo rut that was COTC: Genesis, this installment doesn’t meet a lot of my expectations for a corn cult flick. Mainly because it spends most its time on the mom and her Lifetime baggage than folks dodgin’ homicidal young’ns with farm tools. In other words, give me less movie of the week and throw in more corn! Whacked cripples, stabbin’s, hot coffee on nads, one really bad CGI water tower shot where the actors look like Sims characters, young’n cock block, bloody visions, young’ns diggin’ into a critter for lunch, locust triggers, motor tantrums, and slow-mo CGI blood sprays! 2/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (1991)

When some teeny boppers crash a church to swim its underwater catacombs, they accidentally awaken a big bad vamp who quickly turns their little town into Fangburg, U.S.A. Only a school teacher with the help of the town drunk behind the wheel of a holy roller death machine has any chance of rescuin’ the girls and what’s left of the town! Of all film companies, why can’t Fangoria, horror’s best rag, make a great movie? This flick’s decent mind ya, but is far from a winner with underwhelmin’ heroes, flat villains, borin’ monsters, and a story that feels like it’s missin’ parts that help it naturally escalate. Underwater fangers sleepin’ with their lungs regurgitated, little bastard boys staked, holy hit and runs with bums, slit throats, vampire bingo, vamps barfin’ natural sleepin’ bags, evil grannies, fightin’ with crosses, sabretooth fangs, virgin chases, Karen Black’s boobs in a see through top, and meltin’ vamps! 3/5!

CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972)

A macabre director sails his merry band of actors to a remote island’s cemetery for some ghoulish games, but his pranks turn deadly after performin’ a ritual that actually raises the dead as flesh chompin’ zombies. This is a low budget flick with a wild wardrobe, good actin’, and commendable make-up effects, but its pace will either mildly entertain you or put you to sleep before your thumb can press fastforward. The first half is just this group hangin’ out and talkin’, savin’ the last half for the undead action that’s nothin’ new or revolutionary as far as zombie flicks go. Most memorable part is Orville, the dug up stiff the director humorously drags around for his sick amusement. Actin’ stiffs, cottage squatters, tied up caretakers, zombies, and whacko broads! 2/5!

CHRISTINA’S HOUSE (2000)

After Christina’s mama’s committed to a rubber room, her dad moves them into a nearby rental home where dead bodies start poppin’ up, and Christina’s thinks it has somethin’ to do with the explainable noises she hears ’round the house. I’m not a fan of the creep livin’ in the walls horror (’cause I usually see that twist comin’ a mile away), but this flick sets itself apart from the rest with memorable surprises and a enjoyable killer. Plus, it’s pretty damn entertain’ with plenty of nudity and laugh out loud moments of characters over reactin’ like a jealous boyfriend tacklin’ a fella through a store window just to tell him to keep his eyes off his girl before pummelin’ his face. Loony bin visits, nutty moms, trap doors, house wide lock-downs, boobs in the tub, carcas bloated streams, attic hideouts, homemade saw traps, megaphone vents, finger puppet soap operas, crumbled cookies, and severed arms! 4/5! 

CHRISTMAS PRESENCE aka WHY HIDE? (2018)

A convoy of miserable Brits have a intimate Christmas reunion in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and are eventually attacked by a shapeshiftin’ spider ghost. This Shudder original is one of them kind of flicks that has a lot of the right elements for a decent horror, but it fumbles its establishment of the lead character and loses a lot of momentum and holiday appeal as soon as Christmas day arrives midway through. Cool monster, though. Song and dance boo-gers, kidnappin’ spirits, button vomitin’, evil mirror twins, sacrificial rituals, lingerie runways with proud muffin tops, stiffs in the snow, hypnosis, and folks killed with a sofa bed! 2/5!

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Chromeskull survives his head bashin’ acid facial from the last flick and is rescued by . . . his corporation of demented employees?! After a brief montage crammed with months of recovery, he’s ready to make a comeback and tie up loose ends from the first Laid to Rest while terminatin’ some overly ambitious killers on his payroll. Woo-wee! This quietly celebrated series keeps the momentum goin’ with all the jarrin’ gore I come to expect from the first movie, and it’s all the more brutal when dished out on a cast of likeable characters. Even more impressive is how the filmmakers manage to maintain Chromeskull’s mystique while revealin’ more of his story which begs more questions in the best of ways. Disembowelin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s, sides of folks’ heads sliced off, reality TV POV, girls in coffins, boobs, deep throatin’ knives, gnarly spinner weapons, insultin’ copycat killers, facial reconstructive surgery, and Danielle Harris cleans up nicely as a hench gal on Chromeskull’s payroll! 4/5! 

CIRCLE OF EIGHT (2009)

The new gal in a shoddy apartment buildin’ suspects her neighborin’ high brow artists are welcomin’ her with a gaslightin’ scheme full of dead bodies only she sees, but then there’s some confusin’ twist I think suggests she’s a restless spirit stuck in a sexual death loop some ghost hunters are tryin’ to free her from. Whatever the fuck’s goin’ on in this haunted New Year’s Eve flick, I’d rather research the chemical properties of radioactive Mountain Dew than spend time makin’ sense of a story with its head up its ass I’m sure the filmmakers must think is pretty clever. Fatal freefall, hangin’s, plastic bag suffocation, glow in the dark Mountain Dew paintin’s, drowned videographers, suspicious file rooms, fire startin’ make-out sessions, elevator offices, suspicious toothbrushes, pinned loved interests, and confusin’ flashbacks to drowned brothers! 2/5!

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

When Lincoln High’s worst gang of rule breakin’ punks threaten to disrupt Mr. Norris’ music class, he gets into a pissin’ match with the delinquent youths that escalates from name callin’ and vandalism to fatal mano a mano showdowns in the school halls. Most the flick feels like an after school Lifetime special, but if ya hang with it, the final act has some pretty remarkable death scenes when Mr. Norris is pushed to the point of sendin’ his underage bullies to detention hall in body bags. Human matchsticks, demolition garage derby, firebombed rides, punk rock clubs, semi-reserved gang rape, home invasions, fatal freefalls, car wrecks, pop quizzes at gunpoint, restroom drug deals, hangin’s, lab animal massacres, birthday suit hooker auditions, drug snortin’, needle shootin’, blood peltin’, wife nappin’, severed arms, buzzsaws to the back, and Michael J. Fox gets shived in the gut! 4/5!

CLASS OF 1999 2: THE SUBSTITUTE (1994)

The dust has settled from the Class of 1999‘s epic battle with robo-teachers gone nutso, but one secret battle droid remains at large and chop sueys his way to the next high school needin’ extreme lessons in discipline. But when the poor man’s substitute for the Terminator can’t compute sexual tension a hot teacher causes him, it’s open season on students in a paintball tournament that cops out on a lot of special effects thanks to a twist endin’. The weakest and cheapest in the Class series, this may not be as epic as its predecessors but still offers enough bang for my buck to keep me entertained. Watchin’ Ms. Hot For Teacher swoon over the intensely stoic robo-sub like he’s perfectly normal definitely gives me some knee slappin’ laughs. Melodramatic background explosions galore, great outdoor booby traps, swingin’ logs, pitfalls, grenades, explodin’ classmates, hangin’s, stabbin’s, drive-by shootin’s, body sock armor, fatal freefalls, impressive one take stunt work, shoe horned expositions, boobs between the sheets, explodin’ cars, poorly hung plastic tarp graffiti to avoid actually defacin’ buildin’s, school hall brawls, paintball war games, pretentious poetry, mental robos, explodin’ bunkers, and hotties joggin’ in tight pants! 3/5!

CLASSROOM 6 (2015)

A sad excuse for a news team unnecessarily locks themselves in a supposedly haunted college overnight to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a teacher and student and encounter an invisible force from reflective portals to hell or wherever. I give this found footage flick credit for a semi-interestin’ premise with decent ‘nough actin’, but it completely fails at everythin’ else. With all the inappropriate jewelry, shitty camera work, constant boom dips, and incorrect news stances, this should really be college yahoos filmin’ a story for a school project, not a “professional” news crew. The filmmakers’ obvious lack of a budget forces them to rely on the audience to scare themselves with their own imagination fillin’ in the terrifyin’ special effect gaps, but the set-ups are as ineffective as the horribly explained pseudo-science used to explain whatever’s roamin’ academia. Super imposed clip-art ghosts, compasses used as a poor man’s EMF reader, spooky tennis balls, classroom brawlin’, upset deans, and back carvin’! 2/5! 

THE CLEANSE (2016)

Better titled Metaphor: The Movie, a small gang of strangers is accepted into a juice cleansin’ program in the boonies where they’re expectin’ to be purged of their bodily toxins but projectile vomit Pokemon lookin’ critters of their personal flaws and hang-ups ‘stead. To complete the cleanse, they gotta fight the urge to nurture these cute special effects and kill ’em ‘fore they grow into deadly beasts. More indie drama than horror, this flick is beautifully shot with top shelf effects supported by a solid cast, but the story leaves a lot to be desired regardin’ characters’ motivations and resolutions I don’t feel are fully realized. Probably ’cause the filmmakers were too busy keepin’ us on our toes flippin’ the conventional scenarios. I wouldn’t recommend this for animal lovin’ horror fans ‘less they’re okay with pet monster violence. Yokels eatin’ the world’s biggest hotdog, bed stiffs, blindfold walkin’, monster stranglin’, car wrecks, plumber’s nightmares, and monsters under the bed! 3/5! 

CLICKBAIT (2019)

When Bailey’s streak for internet fame comes to an abrupt end, she’ll do whatever it takes to be back on top, even if it means lettin’ a home invadin’ stalker get dangerously close to post peepin’ tom vids of her online. With a respectable production value, thoughtful premise, and likable cast featurin’ an enjoyable performance by Colby Stewart whose screen presence is undeniable, this horror comedy is surefire entertainment, but for only so long. It’s unfortunately plagued by a weak script that lacks any tension and relies too heavily on loopin’ conversations, pissin’ time tricks, confusin’ lingo for this movie’s version of YouTube, and some runnin’ parody on Pop Tarts that surprisingly never ties into the story as many times as it’s dropped in. Halloween parties, turd costumes, Toot Strudel ads galore, repetitive shower scenes without boobs, blood spittin’, John Carpenter’s Halloween nods, twist endin’s, disembowelment, and faux law officials! 2/5!

CLOVERFIELD PARADOX (2018)

A meltin’ pot of astronauts try savin’ the world from limited resources and WW3 with a new doo-hickey in space, but an overload smashes them face first with an alternate dimension that upsets the very essence of reality. The third installment in the Clovefield series from J.J. Abrams, this is one top notch production with a likeable cast and a doozy of a space mystery that gets a little too crazy to understand at times but easy enough to enjoy with softball clues for its relation to the other flicks. Biggest disappointment is the lack of monsters that make less of a blip in this thing than in 10 Cloverfield Lane. Astronauts fused with wires, 3D printed guns, hideaway bellies, worm vomit, sentient arms with all the answers, insta-freeze deaths, self-sacrifices in space, explosions, international spies, weird walls, gunshots, nanobite malfunctions, and one monster! 4/5! 

CLOWN (2014)

It ain’t easy to come up with new scary clown films, but this does pretty damn well. Desperate for a party clown to entertain his son’s birthday, a dad throws on some humorous rags he finds in a mysterious trunk, never realizin’ he’s wearin’ the skin of a Nordic demon that starts transformin’ him into a nightmarish beast with a hunger for children. This movies hits the grounds runnin’ and never lets up ’til the end credits which is good and bad. We’re taken on an escalatin’ journey of body horror as we follow the dad’s transformation, but I would like to have seen that pushed a lot more with the effects and final metamorphosis akin to Cronenberg’s The Fly. I also feel like startin’ right into the dad’s dilemma with the evil clown suit doesn’t allow us the opportunity to really establish the emotional bond between him and his family which leaves a lot of this necessary drama drivin’ the story to fall flat. Regurgitated young’n bones, sawed young’ns, Chuck E Cheese chaos, blood flowin’ tubes, bloody ball pits, home video exorcisms, decapitations, car wrecks, colorful clown suicides, possessed doggies decapitated, fingers bitten, fun with power tools, slaughtered young’ns, nose rippin’, and Peter Stormare is the character with all the exposition again! 4/5!

THE CLOWN AT MIDNIGHT (1999)

Students earn their college degree fixin’ up a busted old theater and earn extra credit runnin’ from a killer opera clown hidin’ in its secret nooks and crannies. This post-Scream flick follows the slasher formula to a T with tragic backstories, extreme deaths, rockin’ tunes, and a cast of hip catalog models flanked by more seasoned talent, but the pacin’ is a little slow, and the logic behind clown’s motivation for wearin’ his get-up and knockin’ folks off is a little muddled. Onscreen decapitations, axes to the head, electric chair kills, fatal freefalls, spears through the gut, hung hos, boobs, sword play perfectly juxtaposed with bangin’, trap doors, rats, strangulations, stabbin’s, hand gags, and the clown look is in fashion! 3/5!

CLOWN MOTEL (2019)

An RV full of amateur ghost hunters cross paths with a bachelorette party of selfish psychos when they randomly find themselves stuck at the real life Clown Motel where the killable ghosts of mobster torched clowns rise from the nearby graveyard for a non-sense sacrifice. Too little story to be supported by such convoluted exposition, this is ‘nother one of them flicks that’s burstin’ with potential but is sadly executed with mixed results from shaky supernatural logic, story details that don’t gel, and a cast of unlikable women who shit all over root worthy characters tryin’ to help ’em. Arm rippin’, head bashin’, face smashin’, cave clowns, slaughtered pinheads, gold mines, mobster hit squads, motel burnin’, clown collectibles galore, psychedelic showers, offscreen nookie in the bathroom, impaled boobs, ghostly midget clowns, plot drivin’ journals, fatty clowns porkin’ ham, wig yankin’, homo clown rape, strangulation, and the original Jason Voorhees screamin’, “Respect the testicles!” 2/5! 

CLOWNADO (2019)

A ruthless grease-faced ringleader and his circus are cursed with supernatural powers that involve travelin’ in CGI twisters and immediately seek revenge on the cheatin’ redhead who made ’em that way while randomly tearin’ after small town yahoos I guess are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. More clown than ‘nado, this is a fun idea exploitin’ the whirlwind success of the Sharknado movies, but the biggest difference ‘tween the two is this trips itself up with too much explanation behind the clownado’s origin and fails to anchor the story to any one perspective for me to know who’s story this even is. My biggest problem, however, is the clowns’ motivation and the logic behind their cyclone curse regardin’ who they’re after, what they want, and how their evil can be so easily stopped with cold bombs and everyday handguns as if there’s nothin’ that fantastical ’bout ’em. Runaway teens, topless human dart boards, secret burials, weaponized wounds, storm chasers, head rippin’, monstrous titties, explodin’ cartoon heads with confetti, gun-fightin’, explodin’ liquid nitrogen, lotta pasty boobs, strippers, stalkin’ fathers, dwarf-sized respawns, non-stop redhead resurrections, circus witches, black Elvis impersonators, bar brawls, gut squishin’, high flyin’ heroes, flesh chompin’, stabbin’s, and a quick cameo by a punked out Linnea Quigley! 2/5!

CLOWNS OF HALLOWEEN (2017)

In this atrocious collection of Z-grade cinema, director Dustin Ferguson slaps together ol’ short films of his involvin’ killer clowns on Halloween without any connectin’ narrative and presents an hour long tolerance tester of yahoos bein’ killed by the ghost of Leatherface in clown make-up, a little antique clown doll, and a psycho in a clown mask stealin’ Michael Myer’s schtick. We’ll give the filmmakers an “A” for effort, but as enthusiastic as these orange drenched love letters to John Carpenter are, they just fail to make up for their limited resources with more intuitive camerawork, smarter editing, or sophisticated storytellin’.  More than likely unsolicited filmin’ in a Spirits Halloween shop, cross-dressin’, nightmare sequences, horny drunk girls, Halloween parties, seances, and too many nods to John Carpenter’s Halloween to be legal! 1/5! 

zclwonCLOWNTOWN (2016)

A lost cell phone detours a double date through an empty bumfuck town where a handful of murderous clowns do whatever they want. This is one of those frustrating kind of horror films to watch, because you feel like it has a lot of potential to be something great, but the filmmakers just miss opportunity after opportunity with every passing scene. Decent flick with good idea and believable actors, but could have been more creative and waaay scarier. Co-workers on fire, topless baby-sitters, compact clowns, head bashings, Halloween nods, loosey goosey origin stories, rooftop brawls, crooked cops, crucified hands, dollies, and dog food delicacies! 3/5!

THE CLUB (1994)

Old ass lookin’ teens are enjoyin’ their Renaissance festival themed prom when a wacky demon suddenly stops time for a gang of students and test their bravery to decide the fate of their night. The camera work is solid, the music’s not bad, the atmosphere is impressive, and the special effects stand head and shoulders above the actin’, but the story is so weak and confusin’ with folks subjected to the same trials over and over again. How many times can we see the lead and his gal fight off the same pervy teacher? What’s the suicide club all about?? Who thought this needed three different human torch scenes?! Fatal freefall slappin’, demonic make-up, walkin’ satanic BBQ, monstrous tongues, monster bangin’, boobs . . . sorta, human matchsticks, stabbin’s, restroom brawls, demo-vision, yahoos flung through halls, beheadin’s, and domestic slappin’! 2/5! 

COHERENCE (2013)

As a comet passes Earth, a confused dinner party of friends find themselves playin’ alternate reality roulette everytime they step outside the house and run into their doppelgangers from other dimensions. I’ve seen my fair share of multiverse suspense flicks, but this is pretty interestin’ for how differently the filmmakers tackle J.J. Abrams’ favorite subject matter with twists and turns presented in how their reality is more confusin’ and mixed up than originally presented. Only real flaw is how the last girl’s journey feels a little flat and erratic at times which may be because most the movie was improvised by the actors goin’ from moment to moment as they’re bein’ fed the scenes. Busted car windows, glow sticks, identity boxes, doppelganger violence, and mumbo jumbo math! 3/5!

COLD MOON (2017)

It’s the tubular ’80s, and a greedy small town banker murders a family of blueberry farmers who return as Tim Burton-ish ghosts to haunt him for his sins. This flick has a Tales From the Crypt kind of premise with a nice hook and there’s some unforgettable supernatural scenes, but this was just poorly executed as an overall movie thanks to the first half bein’ plagued with poorly paced edits, inconsistent point of views, and fizzled out tension. The biggest problem I have is not givin’ a damn about the tragic blueberry family thanks to the filmmakers presentin’ them as these flat dimwit characters I never have an honest moment to connect with them over. Should have made this a suspenseful supernatural mystery solved from the perspective of the banker’s underage fling. Ghost girls on invisible bikes, snake tongues, dirty water ghosts, snakey granny ghosts, decapitations floatin’ merrily down the river, head tossin’, explodin’ coffins, money schemes, possessed vehicles, head bashin’s, drownin’s, and frantic grannies! 3/5!

zcoldCOLD PREY (2006)

A bunch of Norwegian yahoos go snowboarding in some remote mountains and shack up in a seemingly abandoned ski resort after one of them breaks their leg, unaware they’ve invaded a killer’s hideout. For the most part, this is a pretty lame film not too different from any other slasher flick you’ve ever seen, minus an abundance of gore. Not a lot of character development, little bit of a confusing origin story for the killer, and most the action plays out like a weak Tom and Jerry chase. The one scene that really separates it from the rest is the intense ending when the final girl takes one last stand against the killer. Broken legs, pick axes to the back and chest, shotguns to the chest, icy disposals, bear traps, ambushes in the snow, and coping with soup cans! 3/5!

zcolonTHE COLONY (2013)

It’s the post-apocalyptic future on ice, and a vicious tribe of smart-ass cannibals chase Laurence Fishburne back to his colony where Bill Paxton’s gotta take a break from shooting flu victims to fight a savage invasion. An okay film that won’t put you to sleep, but very little story, lots of blatant green screen work, and not enough Bill Paxton for my entertainment. Bullets for medicine, weather machines, head bashings, stabbings, heads cut in half, dead bodies galore, bridge parkour, and Fishburne gives his most explosive performance yet! 3/5!

zcomCOMBAT SHOCK (1986)

A Vietnam vet struggles with memories of a massacre he may or may not have been responsible for during the war and strolls Staten Island looking for work to feed his stay at home wife and deformed baby. An incredibly depressing film you better not watch alone, this stream of conscious story doesn’t really offer anything of cinematic value until the third act when the vet gets desperate and goes off the deep end with his downtrodden family in tow. Pimps, unemployment lines, muggings, bookie executions, hobo suicides, flashback revelations, human meat piles, ‘nam torture, dead baby gags, eviction notices, kiddie street walkers, babies in the oven, and fleeting moments of what could have been the start to a more interesting stories. 2/5!

yconjCONJURING 2 (2016)

If you saw the first one, you’ve pretty much seen the sequel. The famous paranormal tag-team, the Warrens, are swearing off investigations but get pulled back in the game when a little girl in London is bullied by the ghost of old man Wilkins. Slick cinematography boosted by a perfect rhythm of jump scares, the Warrens continue to be one of the best couples in a horror movie, but this sequel just didn’t add enough to elevate the series much less differentiate it from the original. No deaths, no tension, water dungeons, demonic nuns, Elvis cover songs, Christmas, Amityville murder reenactments, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland looking creatures, flying furniture, a Supernatural subplot with no explanation, and scary tents no one has enough sense to take down. 4/5!

THE CONVENT (2000)

A jeep full of college yahoos crash an abandoned convent to see if it’s really haunted – and it is. Possessed by black light demons compelled to dress like dead holly rollers, only Adrienne Barbeau can roll up in this mother with guns blazin’ and blow ’em all away ‘fore they usher in the Anti-Christ. In a nutshell, this grindhouse feelin’ flick reminds me of Night of the Demons with touches of Evil Dead 2 here and there. The plot’s thin, and the edits seem to keep the tension feelin’ aloof, but there’s non-stop special effects once the ball gets rollin’, the characters display a quirky charm, and this has to be the coolest Adrienne’s EVER looked in a movie. Human matchsticks, unholy possessions, demonic decapitations, convent massacres, Satan worshippin’ weenies, stabbin’ galore, dick chompin’, blood spewin’ showers followed by scoldin’ possessin’ showers, evil-vision, aggressive homos, blood n’ guts, virgin rituals, a dog who lives to be possessed at the end, and an over the top Coolio cameo with Bill Moseley as jokes of the law! 3/5!   

ycootiesCOOTIES (2014)

When school yard monsters eat contaminated chicken nuggets for lunch, recess turns into a bloodbath as crazed young’ns tear after their teachers who include Dwight from The Office and substitute hobbit, Elijah Wood. Great moments of gore, believable what the fuck moments, and a cast you care about, I just can’t believe how long it takes people to kill psycho young’ns after watchin’ them jump rope with people’s intestines! Young’ns eatin’ asphalt, hair rippin’, face bitin’, games of decapitated tether ball, shroom trippin’ crossing guards, fast ball attacks, explosive indoor playgrounds, dual rear wheels, ventilation chases, kung-fu janitors, stories about evil boats, decayin’ brains, viral babies, disembowelment, head bashin’, Lord of the Rings nods, vehicular young’n slaughter, and vicious young’n piles! 3/5! 

CRASH! (1977)

A couple’s marital problems turn supernatural when a cursed jockey lot trinket gives a disfigured wife the power to attack her homicidal hubby with a thought controlled convertible. This unsung terror on wheels flick from Charles Band offers plenty of ’70s car stunts and soap drama, but the road rage sequences feels like a completely separate story from the feudin’ spouses that doesn’t really tie in ’til the very last scene. Driverless cars, random hitchhikin’ dog attacks, car wrecks, cop car pile ups, dogs killed by thought controlled wheelchairs, amnesiac hospital dramas, car chases, murderous cripples, sauna prisons, and blood shot eye possessions! 3/5!

ycreatPETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE (1998)

The U.S. Government creates a feral shark man for winning the Vietnam war but scraps the gene splicing project as soon as he goes on a frenzy. Decades later, the beast with teeth is accidentally freed and treats himself to some Caribbean islanders unless marine biologist Craig T. Nelson and his family can stop him! Originally filmed as a TV mini-series, this 4 hour movie can really be told in a standard hour and a half. Despite that, the film’s got a good story based on a book by the author of Jaws, solid acting, descent TV gore, and one bad ass looking shark creature from the late Stan Winston! Cliff diving, Mama shark savin’, dolphin sharks, pointless hoodoo voodoo, instant limbs, military intervention, scenes right out of Jaws, and blood clouds! 3/5!

CREEP (2004)
An uptown chick misses her train to fan bang George Clooney and finds herself stuck in a subway station where a mysterious rat-like squatter lurks for food and new friends to play doctor with. An interestin’ film with escalatin’ dangers of varyin’ levels, this sewer monster flick refuses to get stuck in a rut and gives us plenty of twists and turns to keep us on our toes. While I don’t need to know every detail about the monster and where he comes from, I do feel like enough clues were dropped by the filmmakers to warrant a clearer explanation as to what he exactly is. Attempted subway rapes, underground squatter guides, gory gashes, black Mario, poo water swimmin’, women in cages, pretend medical care, stabbin’s, throat tearin’, head bashin’, face manglin’, rapist karma, tunnel chases, and happy endin’s for dogs! 4/5!

CREEP 2 (2017)

The cosplayin’ wolf creep from part one has lost his mojo for killin’ and hires a femme filmmaker to document his suicidal confessions. Her forward approach to his awkward behavior throws him off his game, however, and sparks new emotions in him that could make her his Bride of Creep or his newest video victim. I still think the first Creep is the epitome of Mark Duplass’ unsettlin’ ability to unnerve an audience, but his performance is stellar none the less in this sequel that’s familiar at its core but infused with enough new elements to make it fresh and unpredictable. Full frontal Creep, hot tub rub downs, first kisses, hairy pits, wolf cosplay, hide and seek, hangin’ suicides, self stabbin’s, homicidal storytellin’, throat slittin’, and sneaky cam wolf pups! 3/5!

CREEPERS aka PHENOMENA (1985)

A teenage Jennifer Connelly plays a sleepwalkin’ bug whisperer who enrolls in a girls’ boardin’ school that’s shaken up by recent murders in the area. Wantin’ to use her mutant bug powers for good, Jennifer teams up with a crippled Donald Pleasance and his mad monkey to bring the serial killer to justice. Lot of good ideas in this flick, but I don’t think they entirely gel together just right. There’s unnecessary mentions of Jennifer havin’ a split personality I don’t think pay off, I’m not sure just how much she understands her power before Donald coaches her like a Professor X knock-off, and the killer’s motivation with their whole monster young’n thing is lost on me. I also think the rock tracks are dropped in too abruptly and at the wrong times like when an ambulance seems to be blastin’ Motorhead while loadin’ a patient. Chained monsters, icky pits of decay, mad monkey hitchhikers, swarms of flies, flesh eatin’ buggies, knifes on sticks, glass shatterin’ deaths, bullies, insect cock teases, near fatal freefalls, impalements, stabbin’s, vengeful monkeys, explosions on the water, random holes in the floor, killer mamas, monster young’ns, and underwater scares! 3/5! 

zcreepsTHE CREEPS (1997)

A socially awkward scientist accidentally brings literature’s greatest monsters to life as midgets, and they have to hunt down a librarian to sacrifice for magical growth spurts. It’s a ridiculous idea for a movie, but it’s fun and an easy watch to kick back to. Video store detectives, book fetishes, midget werewolves, midget vampires, midget mummies, midget Frankensteins, portals, virgin sacrifice rituals, mad science, midget piles, book theft, boobs, Viking ladies, valid reasons for gettin’ topless, and drool all over the camera! 3/5!  

CREEPY CRAWLERS aka THEY NEST (2000)

A recoverin’ alky surgeon’s forced to go on vacation, but his retreat to a small island community is anythin’ but relaxin’ as military engineered cockroaches of average size get loose and turn folks into walkin’ incubator meals. Very similar to The Nest but without all the cool effects and gore, this CGI pest fest’s entertainment value really comes from its city slicker lead’s humorous interaction with the quirky locals which keeps things fun and engagin’ between bug bites. Flyin’ cockroach swarms, soldiers gagged and tossed overboard, roaches fightin’ out folk’s mouths, belly bustin’ bugs, barns full of bugs, chicken dinners overrun with bugs, yokels hit by cars, and ballpoint pens shoved in young’ns throats! 3/5! 

CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (2019)

Alright, so this is supposed to be an episodic series, but if ya put all the ends together, ya get a feature length run time ’bout a new gang of flesh hungry Popples from space secretly invadin’ a small town on Earth to retrieve a kindred crite before intergalactic bounty hunters blow ’em all to green goo. The CGI spaceships will never beat practical models and the green screen effects could use more finesse, but this ultimately holds up as a worthy entry in the Critters universe. Every character’s likable, the humor’s balanced with an effective family drama, and it leaves me wantin’ more! Interspecies love makin’, animal shelter massacres, shape-shiftin’ mercs from space, CGI spaceship battles with crash landin’s, human crite hybrids, knock out quills, tuck and roll maneuvers, hot dog eatin’ battlegrounds, devoured owls offscreen, baby daddy drama in space, teeth fallin’ out, bunch of folks mauled for an e.t. meal, strangulation, and the giant fur ball with teeth from Critters 2 is back! 4/5! 

CRITTERS ATTACK! (2019)

The Crites return to Earth, and they’re in a race with an e.t. slaughterin’ Dee Wallace to catch a small-town babysitter’s flock of pre-teens who stuffed their alien queen in a backpack. Returnin’ to its semi-serious roots, this latest entry in the Critters series does a great job checkin’ all the boxes regardin’ character development, escalatin’ threats, a steady body count with consistent gore, and we even get a break from the tired bounty hunters from space routine with Critters alum Dee Wallace (who may or may not be the same character from the first Critters) slingin’ the heavy artillery. The only hint of sour I get from this flick is feelin’ like the pacin’ could be a little quicker with how soon the main characters come ‘cross our favorite tumbleweeds from space, and the lack of realistic reactions to everythin’ happenin’ which is more than likely intentional. Projectile quills, big-ass critter balls, rub-a-dub deaths, explodin’ Crites galore, bagpipe mix tapes, maulin’s, Crite on Crite violence, secret e.t. monitorin’ rooms, spaceships, Crite pups, meteors, drunken law officials, air horn defenses, Crite stowaways, dead dogs, and sushi chef street fightin’! 4/5! 

CROCODILE (2000)

A big ass crocodile in a Californian lake goes primal on a party boat of yahoos when its baby eggs are scrambled by yokels. While this is just another one of them big bad beast flicks most cable channels bank on, this one stands out to me ’cause its directed by Tobe “Texas Chainsaw” Hooper with special effects by KNB (Army of Darkness)! Despite a bunch of forgettable characters, the sweets outweigh the sours with excellent pacin’, rockin’ soundtrack, and a charmin’ rubber croc that goes CGI for more ambitious shots. Crocs eatin’ hicks and obnoxious partyers, egg smashin’, egg stealin’, explosions, barfin’ crocs, wall bustin’, gas station chaos, Egyptian worshippin’ hotel cults, dead chicken snacks, doggies in constant danger without ever bein’ eaten, and lessons in crocs not wantin’ to eat anyone doused in bug spray! 4/5!  

CROCODILE 2: DEATH SWAMP (2002)

Extras from The Matrix and Blade rob a bank and hop a commercial flight to Mexico but stupidly cause the plane to crash when bad weather threatens their getaway. Stranded with hostages, they now gotta survive a remote swamp with a pissed off croc after them lookin’ to avenge its siblin’/parent/lover/best friend/neighbor the crooks blew to pieces. This sequel looks great and has better croc effects than the original Hooper flick, but man oh man, the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired. This would be waaay better if it focused more on Martin Kove’s ham performance than unconvincin’ actors tryin’ too hard to be bad guys. CGI crocs, puppet crocs, helicopters versus crocs, explosions, plane crashes, Pulp Fiction nods, folks shot in the face, snooze booze, gory deaths, pool croc nightmares, Swiss cheese crocs, armed bank robberies, and chicks caught in croc jaws! 3/5!

ycrookTHE CROOKED MAN (2016)

So, some teeny boppers visit a website that plays the Crooked Man song, never stopping to think it could be a cursed tune that summons a pasty face gif glitching ghost who likes breaking bones. After wrongly serving time in juvy for her friend’s murder, one of the girls stirs the curse up again as she seeks retribution in the Crooked Man’s crooked demise. An overall good story and cast of characters, I think this movie’s only fault was its boogey man. His kills were fine, but he wasn’t memorable, needed to do a lot creepier crooked shit, needs to be more physically crooked as opposed to looking like a spazing digital image, and his rules didn’t make any sense. Stabbings, fatal freefalls, broken necks, crooked cats and mice, crooked houses, PEZ dispenser wrists, power solos, and Michael Jai White as the magical negro! 3/5!

zcryCRY BABY LANE (2000)

Declared too scary for Nickelodeon after gutless parents supported their youngn’s bein’ wimps, this TV movie is about two brothers accidentally yankin’ an evil twin’s weed from his final restin’ place, settin’ his dark soul free to inflict an asshole epidemic over the town. With help from live action Skeletor (Frank Langella), the brothers race to find the nice twin’s grave and yank his weed in the hopes his good vibes will return everyone to normal. Good music, fine actin’, and a solid script, I don’t know what all the hoo-flaw was about this thing bein’ too dark for young’ns. No deaths, no blood, no open wounds, no cursin’, no sex or boobs . . . this taken off the air stuff’s gotta be made up for marketin’, you know? Cemetery pranks, bull shit, toro toros, police car chases, off road demolition derbies with a hearse, possessions, mad dogs, dimwit assistants, young’ns yanked underground, worm food, spooky whispers, Lord of the Rings nods, ghost stories, and racin’ bikes against trains! 4/5! 

zhellionCUBBYHOUSE aka HELLION: THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (2001)

A newly divorced mom drags her American youngn’s down under to Australia and moves them all into a home with a haunted cubbyhouse outback that’s thirsty for children’s souls. Not a bad film, overall. The characters are decent enough, you get an unlikely hero you don’t see coming, the green screen portals to hell and flying CGI debris looks good, and the young’s ain’t too annoying as they become some demon’s evil tikes. Deadly vegetation, cockroach showers, indestructible cubbyhouses, possessed make-out sessions, possessed computers, young’n sacrifices, great nuthouse escapes, teen detectives, sewer squeeze deaths, apparitions with chainsaws, impalements, guess who exorcisms, possessed youngn’s, and bi-polar moms! 3/5!

CUCUY: THE BOGEYMAN (2018)

Mexico’s version of Krampus, the Cucuy, is makin’ sack lunches of neighborhood brats, and only a pair of sisters have any chance of rescuin’ them from his interdimensional bag.  As cool as the Cucuy looks, it comes off as hokey as a Goosebumps monster at times, but regardless, this is an impressive little Syfy flick that earns a place in my horror collection. A well paced story with punches of tension and light heartedness with entertainin’ characters keepin’ you on board ’til the very end. Home invasions, deaf heroes, bogeyman fanatics, supernatural prison deaths, young’n chowin’ monsters, cursed suicide videos, random culture shamin’, kidnappin’, stabbin’s, house arrests for bogus charges, and scary stories from grandma! 3/5!

THE CULLING (2015)

A van full of young folk going to a concert find a lost little girl in a bumfuck town and drive her back home instead of dropping her off at the police station. Regrets are instantly had as the gang meets the girl’s devil dealing parents who’re raising a barn of evil children that have something to do with a shadow demon whose possession gives you a mild case of Parkinson’s. This is one of those flicks that felt like it had enough to offer but didn’t really capitalize on its boogies enough. Make the possessed people do some crazy shit, unleash the evil children on someone already, and either the screenwriter or the casting director needs a punch in the face, because the conversations among the characters just felt a little forced with no chemistry. 3/5!

CULT OF CHUCKY (2017)

Chucky’s back in more ways than one in what could be called his White Sequel and wants revenge on Nica, the last girl on wheels from the previous flick. Committed to a loony bin for the slaughter of her family, Nica’s almost convinced Chucky’s not real until multiple Good Guy dolls start showin’ up in her cuckoo’s nest, each possessed by serial killer Charles Lee Ray thanks to a new voodoo spell he found. While Curse of Chucky returned our favorite foul mouth slasher to his original Child’s Play roots with folks tryin’ to solve the mystery of a homicidal plaything, this sequel brings the scares and humor back to where the series was in part two and three which I think is the perfect balance for the character. Chucky’s front and center again without overshadowin’ his co-stars who successfully hold their own as entertainin’ characters, the gore’s satisfyin’, the doll effects are some of the best in the series, and past storylines are revisited while Chuck’s own story has cool new developments. Multiple personality disorders, possessions, gory gun smugglin’, mother complexes, bloody breast feedin’s, hypnotic foot fetishes, crazy cripple bangin’, head smashin’, stabbin’s, drillin’s, tortured heads, bitin’, bloody messages, silly decapitations, voodoo spells, Andy Barclay returns, and Tiffany returns in flesh and plastic! 4/5!

ycobraCULT OF THE COBRA (1955)

Some U.S. Air Force boys are snuck into seeing a ceremony overseas where snakes are turned into a women, but couldn’t listen when they said no flash photography! Cursed for trespassing on the cult’s favorite pastime, the men race back to the states and are taken out one by one by the same deadly snake woman they were so eager to see. There is a weird snake woman seen in a very memorable dog and pony act at the beginning of the film, but sadly the rest of the time it’s simply the actress and a rubber stunt cobra trading places when killing the men. Bummer. Sweet car crashes, love hungry cobras, Bachelorette decisions, and we learn a snake’s greatest weakness is an open window. 3/5!

CULTURE SHOCK (2019)

It’s the Mexican version of The Matrix as a heroic prego fights for illegal immigrants’ freedom from cultural rehabilitation within a weirdo doctor’s VR community that eerily resembles an Ol’ Navy commercial. This 4th of July “horror” is anythin’ but and easily divides a room into two factions: those wantin’ to praise the movie as a glarin’ metaphor for ‘merica’s hypocrisy as a meltin’ pot, and critics bitchin’ ’bout its lack of tension, ill-paced story, and confusin’ details behind the white wash science experiment that don’t add-up. Would have worked better as an Outer Limits episode. Strange boyfriend rape scenes, feedin’ tubes galore, Mexican cartel, human shootin’ practice, national border runnin’, stabbin’s, lab rat revolutionists, baby daddy murders, births, and Barbara Crampton proves Margot Robbie ain’t the only gal who can pull off crazy while lookin’ hot as hell at the same time! 3/5!

CURSE OF THE 49ER aka MINER’S MASSACRE (2002)

A gang of horn dog city slickers catch gold fever and invade an abandoned minin’ town where they find a buttload of gold belongin’ to a resurrected miner who’ll kill anyone who so much as looks at it. A movie that finally takes Scooby-Doo villains as serious threats, this supernatural slasher flick is better than your average killer in the woods disasterpiece, packed with plenty of B-movie ingredients that made ’80s horror films so much fun to watch. Severed arms, treasure quests, boobs, pick-axe arms, Jeepers Creepers lookin’ villains, decapitations, human matchsticks, flamin’ finales, shittin’ in the woods, impalements, flyin’ shovels to the neck, pick-axes to the gut, tourist trap justice, and a handful of recognizable actors from popular action/horror movies! 4/5!  

CURSE OF THE FACELESS MAN (1958)

In this poor man’s mummy movie, an ancient Pompeii gladiator encased in an impenetrable hide is dug up from his radioactive grave and slowly wrecks the lives of museum employees while shufflin’ after one fella’s wife he thinks is his old crush. A respectable little film, this black and white oldie has decent actin’ and impressive theories behind the crusty body stockin’s origins, but does have some laughable moments with its anti-climatic endin’ and the main guy actin’ all kinds of shock there’s actually a person under that statuesque physique. Slow-mo action with exaggerated fatalities, hypnotic confessions, overconfident gunmen, battered guards, Egyptian explanations, reincarnated crushes, catatonic flashbacks, murder on wheels, monsters carryin’ girls, door smashin’, and lessons that show sometimes the hero just has to wait for the bad guy to dissolve in the ocean to rescue the girl! 3/5! 

zcurveCURVE (2015)

Ever wanted to watch a scary movie about a hot girl stuck upside down in a vehicle she flipped on a mountain road? What could be worse, right? How about watching the hot girl have to hang there for nearly the whole movie, eat dirty rats, and drink her own piss while being threatened by a barely present villain taunting her the whole time? This is a well shot film with respectable acitng, but you have to sit through a lot of bullshit and golden showers for what I consider a weak payoff.   2/5!

CUTTING ROOM! (2005)

A no budget director snaps when her artistic vision for an independent horror film is at risk for a soulless Hollywood makeover and slaughters her cast and crew. A humorous Z-grade flick that goes back and forth from lookin’ home made to a step above that, its story’s interestin’ enough, and the kills are cool, but things like editin’, lightin’, and sound quality are too distractin’ to be forgivable. Topless women masturbatin’ to Oscar fantasies, Trent Haaga folds in half and gets mowed over, stabbin’s, impalements, lucky dweebs between the sheets, close encounters with lesbos, and Lloyd Kaufman plays his greatest enemy. 2/5!

CYCLONE (1987)

After punks put Dr. Jeffrey Combs out of his misery on the dance floor, he leaves his biker tough girlfriend a video diary instructin’ her to deliver his tricked out version of the Delta Force bike to trustworthy officials who won’t exploit the war machine on wheels for . . . well . . . war. Excited to see a sci-fi cheapie from the ’80s with Fred Olen Ray directin’ Heather Thomas in tight-ass jeans, I’m actually surprised at how anti-climatic and awkward this flick is. The talents have all proven themselves to be entertainin’ in other films, so I blame the writin’ and editin’ for all the dumbed dialogue, lack of motorcycle action, and embarrassin’ Combs with some of the silliest scenes of dancin’ and romancin’ EVER caught on celluloid. Laser blastin’ helmets, rocket firin’ attacks, human matchsticks, car crashes, explosions, demolition station wagons, punk clubs, parkin’ lot violence, one of a kind bike parts for $20, electric rays, jumper cable torture, bimbo workouts, background boobs, secret labs, ice picks to the heads, random cat call assailants, the world’s answer to limitless energy in the hands of a dumb blonde, goofball cops, and a needless ridin’ montage that makes “No Easy Way Out” from Rocky IV look like high art! 2/5!

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