C – R-Rated Reviews | Screaming Soup!

C – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

CABIN FEAR aka SECLUSION (2015)

A soon-to-be-wed couple invites their friends to their marriage in the boonies with a weekend getaway at a swank cabin, but someone ain’t happy about it and slashin’ folks left and right. The cinematography is crisp, and the story’s decent enough, but the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired and derails a lot of the tension for lukewarm laughs. I’m still not certain I can even begin to understand the killer’s motive once they’re revealed! Stabs to the crotch, huntin’ with arrows, shower slashin’, boobs, sabotaged insulin, axed arms, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, red herrin’s, bogus scares gettin’ a facial, and road head! 3/5!

CABIN FEVER (2016)

If you saw the first Cabin Fever, then you’ve already seen this carbon copy remake that’s the exact same script filmed nearly shot for shot from Eli Roth’s original work about kids getting stuck in a bumfuck nowhere cabin with a flesh eating disease killing them. No new surprises or spins on a familiar concept, just chameleon filmmakers giving us the EXACT same movie almost line for line with microscopic changes that ain’t worth anyone’s time to recreate much less watch. Crazed dogs, biting hillbilly young’ns, angry hillbillies, dead pigs, dead dogs, last chance sex, finger bang misfires, bloody vomits, death shacks, hermits on fire, guitar clobberings, dog attacks, bloodbaths . . . every fucking thing you already saw in the first movie, with the exact same if not worse special effects compared to Roth’s version. 2/5!

CAMP HELL (2010)

This is advertised as a horror, but far from it. A teenage boy is havin’ conflictin’ emotions and thoughts about his religious beliefs at summer Bible camp, leavin’ his overbearin’ pastor to believe a demon is at work and needs to be cleansed from the boy through prayer and repentance. This flick is full of disappointments thanks to 3 big expectations; demons, secret orders brainwashin’/possessin’ youths, and Jesse Eisenberg as the advertised star. You get a blip of the boy thinkin’ he sees a demon at the end, there is no such twist to the story much less any grand reveal, and Jesse only has a small cameo, appearin’ in one fleetin’ scene at the beginnin’ of the movie. This is ultimately a comin’ of age story with a teenager feelin’ overwhelmin’ guilt for questionin’ his beliefs hammered into him since childhood and pushed over the edge when his pastor wants to talk about his masturbation schedule and dry hump dates. No horror, monsters, nudity, positive or alternative outlooks about religion, or cursin’ from what I can remember. How the hell did this even earn an R ratin’?! 2/5!

THE CAMPUS (2018)

It’s a more serious take on Groundhog Day meets horror as an estranged daughter is caught in a time loop with a deadline as the devil comes to collect her soul one respawn death at a time. First off, I hate the title. It makes me think the story will take place at a college campus, but nearly the whole movie is shot at this confusin’ one stop set that’s a store/house/bar/storage facility/funeral home. The actin’ is convincin’, and the gore and special effects are impressive, but there’s a lack of tension and energy I think more kinetic edits, camerawork, and additional supportin’ characters might have helped. Zombies, demons, killer taxidermy, severed arms, killer mannequins, eyeball poppin’ effects, pulsatin’ flesh, bloodspray, nods to The Strangers, stabbin’s, deals with the devil, and magical artifacts! 3/5!

CANARIES aka ALIEN PARTY CRASHERS (2017)

Time travelin’ e.t.s invade a small Welsh town and disrupt some yokels’ New Year’s Eve party with mutatin’ rain and a homicidal army of slicker wearin’ experiments in horrible need of a manicure. For somethin’ so epic involvin’ time travel, government conspiracies, and cross continent storytellin’, I don’t feel like a lot happens in this flick thanks to the slowburn escalation of danger the partiers experience. And as soon as the pace picks up, the movie ends with the filmmakers savin’ all the excitement for a sequel I ain’t holdin’ my breath to see. Despite that, however, the cast is pretty sweet with a bunch of funny personalities clickin’ together as a pretty entertainin’ ensemble that gives me a laugh. Party slashin’, e.t. experiments, e.t. fishermen hybrids, phones from the future, bodies fallin’ from the sky with spears, somethin’ to do with Vietnam, good-bye lines lifted from The Terminator, impaled faces, e.t. home invaders, and broken interplanetary treaties! 3/5!

CANDY CORN (2019)

After small town bullies kick the life out of the local slowped for Halloween fun, his new employer at the travelin’ freak show resurrects him as a candy corn munchin’ zombie who halfheartedly tears his killers apart one by one. Despite this bein’ a wonderfully produced throwback to the VHS era with the same revenge story I love in The Crow and Pumpkinhead, the filmmakers’ sloppy treatment of their characters completely ruins the film. The slowped lacks any substance for me to to give a shit ’bout his situation, interconnectin’ characters fail to gel with ’em spendin’ more time apart than together, and I don’t know who to root for ’cause the guilt-ridden girlfriend and backwoods sheriff constantly compete for the story’s point of view which ultimately results in one big ineffective endin’. The only cast member to come out unscathed is The Greasy Strangler‘s Sky Elobar as Gus, the skeezy party guy. Slowped lynchin’, somewhat understandable dwarf magic, arm rippin’, mouths stuffed with candy corn, spine rippin’, throat crushin’, fantasy boobs, restroom stall executions, head yankin’, movie theater make-out sessions, strange Halloween decor featurin’ some musical cat, tooth pullin’, P.J. Soles on the phone, and Tony Todd in an eye-patch! 3/5!

CANDYMAN (2021)

Inspired by the urban legends of the Candyman, a strugglin’ artist stirs up more trouble than he bargains for with his latest pieces and finds himself becomin’ the Candyman’s next incarnation fer keepin’ the fear alive. A satisfyin’ reboot that builds on the Candyman trilogy rather than ignore it with callbacks to the first flick, this entry is more ’bout mood and mystery than the gore and relegates most that to the background or offscreen. More confusin’ than who’s actually in danger when someone says Candyman five times, I can’t help but ask why the original Candyman (Tony Todd) ain’t in this more. He has one fleetin’ second of a cameo at the very end, but if we’re stickin’ with canon, why not have him overseein’ the artist’s unwillin’ transformation the whole movie ‘stead of his previous incarnation from the ’70s who ain’t really necessary? Regardless, this is a solid watch with respect fer the fans. Art gallery massacres, high school restroom massacres, hand severin’, hooks rammed into stumps, supernatural bee stingin’, crooked cop massacres, unlawful executions, possessed paintin’, freefloatin’ boogeymen, and paper theater shows! 3/5!

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (1980)

Kind of a borderline zombie version of First Blood, American war vets return home from Vietnam and just want a bite to eat. Unfortunately, their appetite is for human flesh thanks to a bizarre jungle virus they picked up rescuin’ P.O.W.s years earlier. With police and vengeful biker gangs gunnin’ for them, John Saxon and his savage troops tear through the streets in search of their next meal and spread the disease of their bloodlust. While the gore-tastic effects and top shelf actin’ is appreciated, the logic behind the virus itself is what distracts me from fully enjoyin’ this flick. Like the randomness of John Saxon takin’ years to become a cannibal versus people instantly goin’ flesh eater from one bite and joinin’ his pack without question. Girl next door affairs, peek-a-bush, cannibal young’ns, shotguns to the face, human matchsticks, flamethrowers in the sewers, rats, cannibal meals on the go, chunks bitten out of topless theater dates, loony bin escapes, tongues bitten out of folks’ faces, leg bitin’, and lots of gunfire! 3/5!

CAPPS CROSSING (2017)

A hammy nutcase claims a neck of the woods he kills his girlfriend in and kills anyone trespassin’ like a recent camp of vacationin’ hikers. While I applaud the pretty locations, nighttime lightin’, and descent concept for a slasher flick, I can’t endure the unbearable sours of this low budget horror I found myself fastforwardin’ through. The edits lack finesse, there’s too much bad actin’ punctuated by forced emotions, the kills are uneventful, the killer looks way too clean-cut to be some loon livin’ in the wild and is about as threatenin’ as 10 year olds playfightin’ as Rambo in the backyard. Head bashin’, deaths in the shithouse, stabbin’s, shitty alibies, firearms, severed hands, throat slittin’, and forest ranger cover-ups! 2/5!

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (2019)

It’s The Crow meets Darkman in a cyber punk future where a city’s most wanted cyborgs turn a dick of a district attorney into street pizza to protect their dirty dealin’s, but the prosecutor’s soul possesses his fancy A.I. equipped car to hunt and kill everyone one of them while obsessively stalkin’ his ex-girlfriend on the side. A loose sequel to The Car (1977), there’s no direct link between the two movies other than Ronny Cox makin’ a quick cameo as a supposedly new character who chops the ol’ ’77 Car to fix some dents in the new one. This flick’s a flashy joyride, mixin’ a lot of cool ideas in a crazy way with some impressive special effects, but the story doesn’t feel grounded ‘nough with a worthwhile character to really be effective, the pacin’s a little quick, and the last girl is in more danger from sci-fi punks ‘stead of our killer on wheels. CGI car flip decapitations, flamin’ facials, fatal freefalls, finger drills, flamethrowin’ arms, car crushed goons, cybernetic appendages, spike arms, costume party lookin’ minions from every time period, techno peepers, eye gougin’, senior road kill, dirty cops, crooked officials, demolition strip clubs, boobs in cages, cop drama, heads drillin’, explosions, cliff divin’, car chases, and garage massacres! 3/5!

CARNAGE PARK (2016)

A down on her luck farm girl is taken hostage durin’ a bank robbery, and her captors’ getaway takes a fatal turn through some unfriendly desert that leaves her on her own ‘gainst sharp shootin’ snipers. A kinetic love letter to gritty flicks from the ’70s, this sucker packs alotta talent from behind and in front of the camera. But despite its creative shot choices and engagin’ cast, it unfortunately suffers from a bit of a meanderin’ story that relies more on a buncha cat and mouse action than character development to carry it through to the end credits. The real highlight is Ashley Bell’s last girl performance which has me convinced she’s one of the greatest actors of our time who ain’t gettin’ the credit she deserves after seein’ her previous work in The Last Exorcism and The Day. Timeline jumpin’, fat corpse rollin’, bullets to the head and chest, kidnappin’, knock-out hankies, bear traps, explosions, crooked law officials, shoot ’em up bank robberies, and brutal executions! 3/5!

CARNIVORE (2000)

A monstrous government experiment escapes from a secret lab under a small town haunt, and its killer instinct is triggered by horny teens crashing overnight with gun toting suits racing in behind them. Featuring a pretty decent creature and laughable cast of characters, this doomed film really needed to push the envelope further with the humor and give the victims a bit more run for their money. Face ripping, monster vision, boobs, goofy sheriffs, hard life teens, lessons in sex equaling fear, secret agents who can’t change a tire, beauty and the beast moments, and solutions with big guns! 3/5!

CARNIVORE: WEREWOLF OF LONDON (2017)

A dimwit with abs and a gal who’s compelled to bend herself over everythin’ near her are tryin’ to enjoy a horndog getaway in the middle of nowhere, but a furry of a werewolf keeps bangin’ on their windows for a sorry ass game of Tom and Jerry. This British flick is the epitome of a plot that chases its own tail with a handful of characters repeatin’ the same numb nut actions over and over ‘gain while makin’ alotta dumb decisions. Biggest bein’ why our sad ‘cuse for heroes in heat keep leavin’ the safety of the house everytime the wolf shows up, ’cause it’s obvious he can’t break through the windows and too dumb to know how a door works. Not that entertaining ‘less ya need somethin’ to heckle for the hell of it. Bangin’ with and without boobs, marriage proposals, kidnappin’ at gunpoint, ambush stabbin’s, monstrous transformations, tickle fight maulin’s, window bangin’, high flyin’ window crashin’ leaps, parkin’ lot feedin’ frenzies, random torches, needless shirtless scenes, neck bitin’, and face clawin’! 2/5!

CARNOSAUR (1993)

Roger Corman’s answer to Jurassic Park, this science gone bad flick asks the hard question; What came first, the chicken or the dino? A wacko doctor fills finger lickin’ chickens with genetic dino code, and a small town becomes ground zero for a case of the baby dino squirts with each newborn reptile rapidly growing into giant flailing puppets! See it to believe it, this mockbuster offers good variations of characters, decent mix-up of puppets and stop-motion dinos, and a laughable but interesting story. Chicken deaths, protestin’ hippie buffets, severed hands, laser cages, people birthing dinos, people birthing eggs, corporation cover-ups, embryo covered berries, pet-shop massacres, hawk screams for dino sounds, the smallest Bobcat construction vehicles vs dinos, sheriff showdowns with dinos in the street, dino-vision, and Clint Howard’s head is ripped off by a dino. 3/5!

CARNOSAUR 2 (1995)

Take the plot from Aliens but replace the xenomorphs with dinos, and you got the lackluster sequel to Carnosaur. Dinos from the first movie escape a lab hidden in a nuclear waste repository, accidentally initiating a meltdown an unprepared team of Geek Squad action hero wannabes have to stop without becoming lunch. Not as clever of a story as the first movie with fewer characters to care about, this was essentially a Tom and Jerry movie with people outwitting rubber dinos chasing them the whole time. Arms ripped off in gory fashion, ambush dino hitchhikers, fatal dino freefalls, forklifts vs dinos, TNT defenses, and young’n tag-a-longs. 2/5!

CARNY (2009)

A crooked carny bags the Jersey Devil for his traveling sideshow, but some brats throw one too many peanuts at the 13th son and causes him to go on a blood thirsty rampage only Sheriff Lou Diamond Phillips can save a small town from. Further proof not all Syfy original movies are misses, this TV horror has top notch acting, a surprisingly good CGI devil, an energetic pace, and dares to break away from Syfy movie’s typical bleak washes to actually give us eye popping colors! Tranqs galore, plot developin’ peanuts, devil air strikes, eye gouging, bad fortunes, Ferris wheel chaos, fatal freefalls, dog death, freaks, and pastors vs cryptzoos! 4/5!

THE CARPENTER (1988)

After Alice suffers a mental breakdown, her cheatin’ husband moves them into an unfinished dream house where she falls in love with a new imaginary friend she meets in the basement. Emotions run high, but this supposed hallucination is really the short fused ghost of a homicidal carpenter killin’ shoddy craftsmen and anyone who crosses his new squeeze. This ain’t the most thrillin’ haunted house flick, but the lead performances are engagin’ enough to wanna see this through to the less than epic endin’. The deaths are pretty memorable, but mostly for how cheesy they look. Heads crushed in vices, sawed off arms, nail gunned pregos and rats, attempted rape, supernatural dances, off screen drill dick dreams, drunken booty calls, folks crucified to the floor with tools, human matchsticks, ghostly pains linked with haunts, transparent lingerie, power tools to the face, and folks drilled into Swiss cheese! 3/5!

CARVER’S GATE (1996)

A deep-fried shit burrito of film noir and horror wrapped in sci-fi, this made for TV movie may entice you with the promise of monster mayhem but don’t fall for it. In the post-apocalypse, people escape their nuclear lifestyles in virtual reality games, but an impossible rift opens between the real world and cyberspace, unleashing impressive Power Ranger looking beasts to wreck havoc. Good acting, blah story, and 3.5 sorry ass monster scenes that end as soon as they begin. This so-so sci-fi at least has the best reaction to a poor son-of-a-bitch gett’n his head popped off like a human Pez dispenser. 3/5!

CAST A DEADLY SPELL (1991)

Magic spells and fantastic beasts are the norm in 1940s L.A., and a private dick named Harry P. Lovecraft’s been hired to retrieve the Necronomicon for a man he suspects may wanna collect-call a vagina face god for some apocalyptic shenanigans. While this HBO original hits all the trite beats of a dime store detective novel (without the usual head-scratchin’ knot of a mystery), it manages to keep things interestin’ with a bunch of monsters and special effects thrown in the mix ‘long with a sweet cast of character actors that keep me engaged. Definitely one of Fred Ward’s best performances with tons of t-shirt worthy wisecracks. Gremlins, voodoo zombies, papercut-nados, drag queens, fortune tellin’ dance classes, run-on scenes of Julianne Moore lounge singin’ the audience to sleep, restroom assassinations, guilty werewolves, saucy vamps, voodoo doll murders, unicorn huntin’ virgins, zombie carpenters, puke-worthy ties, gargoyle bodyguards, gargoyle-vision, gunshots to the gut, giant man-eatin’ Lovecraft beasts, floatin’ office supplies, and flammin’ fingers! 4/5!

CAVEAT (2021)

A fella takes a few bucks to watch his shady friend’s damaged niece for a week on a remote island while wearin’ a Houdini vest for sleepwalkers, and sinister truths unravel as the two are manipulated ‘gainst one another by the uncle. While this quiet flick kicks off like a supernatural nerve-wracker, it unfortunately veers into some of that indie bullshit territory with the lead experiencin’ artsy fartsy head games as he realizes he’s in a helluva convoluted plot to cover a murder the filmmakers don’t really care to elaborate on. Luckily, the story gets back to bein’ a horror in the nick of time for Tales From the Crypt comeuppance. What really chaps my ass, though, is how little the toy bunny from all of this flick’s promos is actually used. Thinkin’ this was gonna be a haunted house flick at first, I figure the bunny was gonna act as the character’s ghost detector with its wind-up drummin’ or somethin’, but not the case. At least there’s some real effective creep factors with a corpse in the wall that just makes me shudder every time I see it. Crawlspace escapes, crossbow bolts to the leg, indirect murders, key swallowin’, nutty wives, claustrophobic suicides, freeze positions, attempted murders, zombie moms, and one safe and sound doggy! 3/5!

CAVED IN: PREHISTORIC TERROR (2006)

A gang of criminals swindle an exotic tour guide to take ’em spelunkin’ through Swiss mines so they can steal emeralds, but no one expected to run into big-ass CG beetles wantin’ to bite ’em all in half. A better than average TV movie from SyFy, this creature feature’s gotta tight script with plenty of danger, characters worth rootin’ for, surprising gore, and predictable but satisfyin’ outcomes. Nothin’ sour to really speak of other than the unconvincin’ bug effects. Monstrous chases, disembowelin’, metaphorical and literal backstabbin’ galore, heads cut in half, decapitations, blood spewin’, bullets to the lungs, pew pew lasers, cave ins, fall apart rubble, grapplin’ hooks, shotgun action, rope bridges, big boss bug queens, beetle eggs galore, faulty elevators, and severed hands! 4/5!

CELL (2016)

People’s cell phones turn them into a crazed army of violent pawns for a mysterious entity known as the President of the Internet, and John Cusack must brave the human dial toning jukeboxes to find his son. Much better than I expected, this isn’t another hackneyed zombie survival film, but a unique kind of Body Snatchers story with some fresh ideas I hadn’t seen before. 10x better than those horrible Pulse movies! Human barbeque sleepovers, graphic novel premonitions, men eating their dogs, Lloyd Kaufman cameos, ice cream trucks serving explosive flavors, and a debatable ending with very little to no plot explanation! 3/5!

THE CELLAR (2022)

As usual in a horror flick, a family blindly moves into a house unseen, and surprise surprise — it’s cursed. In this case, the house belonged to a devil worshippin’ mathematician who configured the place to be a gate to hell (’cause why not?), and the new homeowners are obsessed with openin’ it after their oldest young’n disappears in the cellar. Remindin’ me of director Lucio Fulci’s “Gates of Hell” trilogy, this flick looks fantastic and stars a talented cast but fails to effectively build tension with any satisfyin’ payoff. And as dumb as it sounds, I’m disappointed the gate’s purpose is never explored. Why did the mathematician want an express lane to hell? Did he wanna go there or was it made so the demon he worshipped could have a vacation getaway from his gruelin’ work torturin’ souls? Bottomless steps, Spirograph art, fancy Photoshoppin’ software, accidental geniuses, clues galore, Evil Dead nods with gramophones, bouncy balls, demonic goat men, soul crushin’ lines to the underworld, demon defyin’ doors, secret rooms, and gloom and doom endin’s! 2/5!

CENTIPEDE! (2004)

While a yahoo celebrates his best bud’s bachelor party with their gang of friends in a three mile deep hole in India, a cave in traps ’em with hungry mutant centipedes of the big-ass variety. More cheesy than scary, this is straight up B horror with an ensemble of mediocre actors in an ‘bove average Tom and Jerry run ’round with respectable rubber puppets that surprisingly refuse to tag out with CGI effects. A charmingly entertainin’ watch from beginnin’ to end, the only sour I really have with this sucker is the endin’ leavin’ the groom-to-be lookin’ like a total douche bag. Explosions, poisonous sprays, secret toxic waste dump sites, underwater chases, maulin’s, bad dance parties, jealous lovers, and flamin’ puppets! 3/5!

CENTRAL PARK (2017)

Some preppies’ late night shenanigans in Central Park take a fatal turn when a slasher wearin’ a magazine for a mask crashes their party in the woods and hunts ’em for revenge ‘gainst one of their dads for ruinin’ their life. The premise sounds a little weak, but there’s alotta promisin’ set-ups with characters and their situations that make me believe this gonna be a decent movie with some substance ‘fore it’s all over, but no such luck. As soon as we shift gears from high school melodrama to horror, this sucker nosedives into forgettable one-by-one kills with a buncha confusin’ side stories thrown in the mix like pointless red herrin’ hobos in the wild, and a woman who’s relation to a helpful lawman was the million dollar question for the last half of the movie. Human matchsticks, rock throwin’, hangin’s, asthma chasin’, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, ride-alongs, hobo shootin’, unnecessary cover-up discussions, games of truth or dare, and stoned phone calls! 2/5!

CHASING THE DEVIL (2014)

A guy blames demonic possession for his sister’s sudden suicide and rallies a gang of paranormal investigators to help him stop the demon with found footage before it hurts anyone else. Nothin’ spectacular but far from a terrible movie, this flick actually offers a more entertainin’ story than most other exorcist quickies, keeping the action movin’ with a tricky devil who likes to play games that fuck with the characters’ heads. I think the only real sour is half the cast needin’ to be replaced with stronger actors. Face bittin’, possessed masterbatin’ with coins, hairball treasures, demonic voices, musical chair version of demonic possessions, demonic sleepwalkin’, sleep writin’, cameras galore, eye gougin’, electrified deaths, and throat slittin’! 3/5!

CHILD EATER (2016)

When a new family moves into a town’s old haunt, they stir up the local boogeyman Robert Bowery, the ghost of a killer senior who eats folks’ eyes to fix his own failin’ sight. So, hold yer horses . . . shouldn’t this be called Eye Eater then? Anyway, this is a sweet movie with all the ingredients of a solid horror. Lively cinematography, conflicted last girls, Cassandra characters doublin’ as heroes, perfectly creepy music that heightens the scares, and a wicked lookin’ monster in an abandoned zoo settin’. Despite all this, however, the movie does degrade into a mind numbin’ rerun of Tom and Jerry the last half of the movie which is always a major sour for me. Dead baby stories with evil storks, eye gougin’, creepy games of hide and seek with fugly masks, baby mama drama, fatal force feedin’, fake eyes, monsters in the closet, and ghosts versus guns with surprisin’ results! 4/5!

CHILD’S PLAY (2019)

When Andy’s given a factory busted robo-doll named Chucky for his birthday, the toy’s malfunctionin’ iPhone for a brain copies what it sees in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and assassinates anyone it sees as a threat to their artificial friendship. A reimaginin’ of the ’88 horror classic featurin’ a serial killer’s spirit trapped in a My Buddy spoof, this legal loophole of a film ixnays all the hoodoo voodoo in favor of technophobia with the killer ankle biter now written as a confused robot linked with surroundin’ devices it can sic on folks. I think this is a solid movie overall and should really be a vehicle for introductin’ an all new horror villain ‘stead of recyclin’ Chuck for an easy payday. Especially since this robo-Chucky is never self-aware, leavin’ it devoid of any personality or grit that made the original psycho-doll so much fun to watch. The only sour I have to bitch ’bout is the horrible castin’ regardin’ age range, ’cause Andy looks way too old for this toy, and the chemistry between him and his youthful lookin’ mama feels more like siblin’s than parent and child. Cat stranglin’, dissin’ palybacks, bone snappin’, wrong uses of the word “poetic,” stabbin’s, massacred heads, several E.T. nods, killer drones, self-drivin’ car wrecks, pervy maintenance guys, table saws up the crotch, robotic operations, gift-wrapped watermelon’s decorated with cheatin’ lovers’ faces, dead cats, hacked TV bashin’, killer doll vision, kidnapped milfs, fatal freefalls, extremely disgruntled factory workers, retail store massacres, doll lynch mobs, small armies of killer dolls, and Mark Hamill slips into Joker for the briefest second at the very end! 3/5!

THE CHILDREN (1980)

A leak at the nuclear power plant creates a toxic fog that transforms a bus of young’ns into zombie-like mutants whose greatest weapon is . . . corrosive hugs! See it to believe it, this Troma released film ain’t a half-assed gag some simpleton slapped together but a legit horror flick that’s well made with solid camerawork, successful effects, and believable actors you actually give a damn about. Prego twist endings, swordplay, hand chopping, backseat ambushes, fatal hugs, burnt up corpses, games of death tag, fun with power windows, young’n hunts, bicyclin’ blondes, bikini babe dog owners, young’n target practice, airborne young’ns, and young’n slappin’. 4/5!

THE CHILDREN (2008)

If ya love the sound of screamin’ young’ns at Christmas time, then Scream Freak, this killer kiddie flick is for you! While a pair of borin’ families catch-up at one of their remote homes for the holidays, their wild litter of rugrats randomly come down with some mysterious illness that’s never explained and become a vicious pack of semi-organized killers the parents have gotta come to terms to put down. I can only describe this holiday horror as noisy and frustratin’ to watch. The characters are so flat, I don’t give a shit what happens to ’em, the parents make irrational decisions that aren’t realistic, there’s these awkward moments ‘tween family members I don’t know is intentional or not, and the damn children are just reel to reel screamin’ and slammin’ things. Aaarggg! Make it stop!! Kiddie vomitin’, stabbin’s, fatal trips, impalement, jungle gym bone breakage, car wrecks, roadkill rugrats, death by sled scalpin’, mysterious evil voices, and noise, Noise, NOISE! 2/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

A couple accidentally run over a human speedbump and take an unexpected detour to Gatlin, Nebraska where children have slaughtered the adults and been livin’ as corn worshippin’ loons under the guidance of a creepy preachin’ young’n named Isaac for 3 years. This Lord of the Flies meets the Farmers’ Almanac is a pretty decent idea with interestin’ enough characters but could have played up the scares a lot more with the adults bein’ at the mercy of brainwashed young’ns servin’ “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” Good mornin’ dancin’, diner massacre, artistic visions of the future, corn crosses, crucified cop husks, ginger henchmen, rocket powered preachers, possessions, stabbin’s, supernatural storms, young’n roadkill, dogs killed offscreen, gassy geezers, chest carvin’, cartoon gods, throat slittin’, cornfield arsons, freaky little preachers, cartoon possessions, ghost towns, blood party punch, neck snaps, young’n corn duels, and young’ns beaten with car doors! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 2: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

Followin’ the horror uncovered at the end of the last flick, people from all over swarm Gatlin, Nebraska for the parentless corn young’ns. Unsuspectin’ folks from the neighborin’ town are quick to adopt them, and the media are hungry for all the gory details that left their home a ghost town. Only one discredited rag journalists draggin’ along an ungrateful son sticks around long enough get the real scoop on the reformin’ corn cult and even gets mixed up in some shady town business involvin’ bad corn that could have started the corn craze. A surprisingly good follow-up to the original that offers lots of outlandish deaths, fun characters, dynamic relationships that easily hook you in clever ways, and explores more of the corn mythology without gettin’ too complicated. Only hiccup worth mentionin’ in this whole thing is the troubled son’s intention to really join the corn young’ns or not and his local heartthrob’s connection to it all. Bodies in the basement, houses dropped on old ladies, remote control wheelchairs, bingo parlors, trucks slammin’ seniors through windows, waterhole swimmin’, severed hand make-out sessions, possessions that look like crazy CGI theme park rides on a molecular level, Native Americans with all the expositions, livin’ corn stalks, airborne cornstalks breakin’ through windshields, corn crosses, wooden voodoo dolls, faces springin’ blood spewin’ leaks, town meetin’s on fire, corn mold in the wind, demon facials, harvest to death, ’66 Batman traps, bed, boobs, and breakfast, stabbin’s, Native American spirits, and news team slaughter on the scene! 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 3: URBAN HARVEST (1995)

You can take the boy outta the corn, but you can’t take the corn outta of the boy! A country young’n converts to corn and is flown to live with a foster family in Chicago with his older brother after their daddy “disappears.” Faster than you can say “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” the smug brat starts plantin’ his dark magic and convinces his school it’s cool to be corny while his brother hurries to disband the cult which includes Charlize Theron! This series continues to impress as we’re given a sequel that feels fresh with a new direction while maintainin’ story elements that made the first films so memorable and pushin’ their limits at the same time. Great relationships among the characters, an unforgettable villain, solid effects, and one hell of a monster scene at the end! Tag tram preachin’, nightmare sequences, two brothers to a bed, faces sewn shut, livin’ corn stalks, super corn crops for profit, suitcases full of creepy crawlies, corn bibles, school bullies, bum defenses, stabbin’s, b-ball, flesh meltin’ anti-smokin’ ads, head impalement on pipes, heads split in half, heads full of bugs, tainted meals, giant tentacle monsters, deadly dinners, head rippin’, and one really bad stop-motion victim! 5/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4: THE GATHERING (1996)

Naomi Watts returns home from med school to help care for her agoraphobic mama but gets caught up in a corn epidemic after the spirit of a pissed off young’n preacher named Josiah is resurrected from his secret grave in a well and starts convertin’ the town’s youngn’s to corn followers. The actin’s top notch, the effects are solid, and the villain’s got a rich backstory despite not havin’ much of a screen presence. There could have been more emotion among the core family we’re followin’ to help us invest in their dilemma more, and I didn’t feel like the mom’s death was enough of a payoff after all the time spent buidlin’ up her fears of bein’ attacked by blood slingin’ young’ns. Fallin’ farm tools pinnin’ drunks, killer young’m nightmares, boilin’ fevers, stretchers cuttin’ folks in half, possessed young’ns, stabbin’s, slicin’, quicksilver shotgun shells, evil preacher stories, seniors with all the expositions, throat slittin’, head impalements, corn blood, blood baths, ice baths, and livin’ corn stalks! 4/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 5: FIELDS OF TERROR (1998)

A weak entry in the corn young’n series, a gang of friends are on a road trip to spread some poor sucker’s ashes but find themselves trespassin’ in corn cult territory where I’m sure David Carradine is breakin’ a lot of child labor laws. Among the mess of backstories the characters bring to the table, one of the friends remembers their abandoned brother is in the cult and sticks around to save him before he reenacts Joe vs the Volcano with a sacrificial jump into a supernatural fire from “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” This flick expands the corn cult mythos, gives us entertainin’ enough characters, and has enough substance with the drama it dumps in, but is ehh at best. The cinematography tries too hard to spice up the story, the villain(s) are weak, the kills are a snooze fest, and the different characters’ backstories aren’t executed all that well and even seem to be competin’ at times. Girls gone ashy, blow-up doll road markers, stabbin’s, impalements, fatal freefalls onto farm equipment, cornfield chases, chainsaw chases, head splittin’ special effects, roasted faces, lit up firemen, suicide silos, possessed gingers, weak willed Latinos, squattin’, fire bombed cars wrecks, games of drill/torch/explosions, face slicin’, knocked-up young’ns, young’ns torturin’ young’ns, levitations, death by lightnin’, lynch clubs, and Kane “Voorhees” Hodder serves up drinks at the local waterin’ hole! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN (1999)

In this slightly convoluted sequel hopin’ to put some fire back in the series, an 18 year old girl named Hannah blows into Gatlin searchin’ for her birth mama, and her arrival opens a whole can of cream corn. Destined to fulfill a prophecy as the first generation born from the first flick’s mayhem, Hannah’s chosen to mama the next generation of young’n killers for “He Who Walks Behind the Rows,” and her Lamaze partner is the freaky preacher, Isaac, who’s been in a coma since becomin’ a possessed firework 19 years prior. Beautifully shot and featurin’ the best last girl in the series (next to Naomi Watts in part four of course), this film is a well structured mystery that ain’t too difficult to follow but does get a little muddled when we get into who’s whose young’n and what they’re expected to do for the prophecy. Isaac’s surprise return is a clever move on the filmmakers part, but I feel he deserves way more character development as an older character with the most experience in the cornfield. My biggest gripe with this flick is how easy it is for the heroes to defeat the latest incarnation of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” at the end. Jealous girlfriends cut in half, suicide scythes, Stacy Keach is electrocuted, sneaky injections, fake graves, bogus scare illusions, mama visions, impalements, gunshots to the face, unnecessary explosions, vanishin’ hitchhikers, extreme close-ups of barn shower love scenes, dirt bike chases, cult member murders, stabbin’s, levitations, and open ended endin’s! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION (2001)

In this perfect example of a great story ruined by shitty execution, a granddaughter is lookin’ for her missin’ nana who just moved into an apartment buildin’ scheduled for demolition and gets caught up in a Body Snatchers inspired plot with a preachy ghost young’n transformin’ crazy tenants into obedient corn born killers. The film looks really slick and introduces new ideas for the corn that could have been incredibly creepy but just crash and burns with its snoozefest leads, poor audio edits, mind numbin’ pace, and waste of Michael Ironside’s superb talent as a pointless preacher repeatin’ stuff other characters already said. The over the top cripple in the wheelchair screamin’ obscenities like a crazed sailor is my favorite part. Rub-a-dub death with killer corn stalks, fatal freefalls, blood filled corn cobs, ghost faces in the sky, explosions, heart attacks, heads in coolers, free roamin’ young’ns, ghost young’ns, pointless preachers, corn young’ns playin’ the shit out of “House of the Dead,” field of screams, eternal youth is bein’ reborn from corn, basement farmers, corn wreaths, and the first pair of boobs to ever be bared in a corn flick! 2/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: GENESIS (2011)

As a stand alone movie, this is an impressive little flick fallin’ back on a good script and convincin’ actors to make up for a miniscule budget that grossly limits the sets and effects. As a Children of the Corn sequel, however, it leaves a lot to be desired after everythin’ we’ve seen the last 7 movies plus the remake. A man and his prego wife break down in the California desert and seek shelter with a Gatlin survivor who continues the corn cult practices. Somehow, the preacher’s got a young’n with scary psychic powers locked up in the backyard, and the concerned couple try savin’ the yard monster while strugglin’ to understand how any of this is tied to “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.” A slow burn without a lot of payoff, not to mention possibly the lowest body count of the series, this flick does manage to provide us with one of the most realistic couples EVER caught on celluloid with them questionin’ everythin’ happenin’ and makin’ some excellent decisions for survivin’ a horror movie while callin’ out its bullshit. Airborne coppers, fatal freefalls, supernatural forcefields, impalements, car wrecks with stock footage car carriers, mail order brides, ‘Nam homecomin’ massacres, faces stuffed with corn cobs, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: RUNAWAY (2018)

Directed by the fella that made the Feast trilogy, this kernel of a sequel is a melodrama ’bout a mom and son bummin’ around the Midwest ’til they breakdown in a town under the influence of the killer corn young’ns the mom escaped over a decade earlier. While the series luckily rescues itself from the cheapo rut that was COTC: Genesis, this installment doesn’t meet a lot of my expectations for a corn cult flick. Mainly because it spends most its time on the mom and her Lifetime baggage than folks dodgin’ homicidal young’ns with farm tools. In other words, give me less movie of the week and throw in more corn! Whacked cripples, stabbin’s, hot coffee on nads, one really bad CGI water tower shot where the actors look like Sims characters, young’n cock block, bloody visions, young’ns diggin’ into a critter for lunch, locust triggers, motor tantrums, and slow-mo CGI blood sprays! 2/5!

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (1991)

When some teeny boppers crash a church to swim its underwater catacombs, they accidentally awaken a big bad vamp who quickly turns their little town into Fangburg, U.S.A. Only a school teacher with the help of the town drunk behind the wheel of a holy roller death machine has any chance of rescuin’ the girls and what’s left of the town! Of all film companies, why can’t Fangoria, horror’s best rag, make a great movie? This flick’s decent mind ya, but is far from a winner with underwhelmin’ heroes, flat villains, borin’ monsters, and a story that feels like it’s missin’ parts that help it naturally escalate. Underwater fangers sleepin’ with their lungs regurgitated, little bastard boys staked, holy hit and runs with bums, slit throats, vampire bingo, vamps barfin’ natural sleepin’ bags, evil grannies, fightin’ with crosses, sabretooth fangs, virgin chases, Karen Black’s boobs in a see through top, and meltin’ vamps! 3/5!

CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972)

A macabre director sails his merry band of actors to a remote island’s cemetery for some ghoulish games, but his pranks turn deadly after performin’ a ritual that actually raises the dead as flesh chompin’ zombies. This is a low budget flick with a wild wardrobe, good actin’, and commendable make-up effects, but its pace will either mildly entertain you or put you to sleep before your thumb can press fastforward. The first half is just this group hangin’ out and talkin’, savin’ the last half for the undead action that’s nothin’ new or revolutionary as far as zombie flicks go. Most memorable part is Orville, the dug up stiff the director humorously drags around for his sick amusement. Actin’ stiffs, cottage squatters, tied up caretakers, zombies, and whacko broads! 2/5!

THE CHILL FACTOR (1993)

A convoy of snow mobilists take shelter from a blizzard in a remote church after one of ’em gets mangled in a wreck, and to make things worse while they wait for help, these yahoos kill time dickin’ ’round with a Ouija board that brings a kill happy demon into the mix. This flick has plenty goin’ for it as far as the ideas, story, and camerawork are concerned but really suffers from a draggin’ pace that takes its sweet time gettin’ to the horror which has its own issues with a wonky build-up to the finale. Snow mobile drag racin’ and chasin’, wrecks, explosions, possessions, evil healin’, mince meat ceilin’ fan deaths, repeatin’ icicle drops to the face, eye gougin’, inappropriate times for bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with no boobs, bar brawls, hints of incest, barbwire to the face at high speeds, cult backstories, clumsy strangulation in volleyball nets, and human matchsticks! 3/5!

CHRISTINA’S HOUSE (2000)

After Christina’s mama’s committed to a rubber room, her dad moves them into a nearby rental home where dead bodies start poppin’ up, and Christina’s thinks it has somethin’ to do with the explainable noises she hears ’round the house. I’m not a fan of the creep livin’ in the walls horror (’cause I usually see that twist comin’ a mile away), but this flick sets itself apart from the rest with memorable surprises and a enjoyable killer. Plus, it’s pretty damn entertain’ with plenty of nudity and laugh out loud moments of characters over reactin’ like a jealous boyfriend tacklin’ a fella through a store window just to tell him to keep his eyes off his girl before pummelin’ his face. Loony bin visits, nutty moms, trap doors, house wide lock-downs, boobs in the tub, carcas bloated streams, attic hideouts, homemade saw traps, megaphone vents, finger puppet soap operas, crumbled cookies, and severed arms! 4/5!

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)

War machines are recycled into storefront robo-Santas, and one toy shop’s malfunctionin’ St. Nick spontaneously goes on the warpath Christmas Eve, leavin’ a buncha mutilated yokels in its wake as it singles out two record store rockers to cross off its shit list. All flash — no spirit. This holiday themed nod to the Terminator goes all in on some impressive special effects and action sequences bathed in garish Yuletide colors, but fails miserably at tellin’ an actual story with any character development, set-ups, or suspense. Everyone solely exists to be a flat spectacle of a forgettable victim whose demise at the hands of a poorly introduced threat means jack shit to the overall plot (what little there is) much less any other character. Despite all the shortcomin’s in the script department, however, Riley Dandy still manages to steal the show playin’ top boss bitch Tori, a last girl I’d definitely want in my corner when the holidays go to hell! Sprinkler defenses, electrocutions, lazy robo-Santa POV, car explosions, head splittin’, axe attackin’, dirty deeds on Santa’s throne without boobs, home invadin’, longwinded ramblin’ and drinkin’, curb stompin’, cunnilingus, horror movie talk, neck snappin’, young’n killin’, police station massacres, toy store massacres, and finger choppin’! 2/5!

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE (2022)

In what could be mistaken fer a really long joke of a phone commercial, Satanists in a small town are conspirin’ to find and sacrifice a pure soul at a Christmas craft fair to call forth their dark lord, but there’s holy rollin’ pastors, spiritualists, and hippies doin’ their best to prevent that without havin’ to leave the house. Low budget filmmakin’ at its lowest, this is a gruelin’ 70 minutes of close-ups on folks readin’ their lines while on the phone with other characters. Zero character buildin’, barely any Christmas much less a craft fair, and ‘lotta scenes that go nowhere with a Michael Myers wannabe henchmen hackin’ folks up, gals huntin’ auras at the mall with a magnifyin’ glass, and cartoon ghosts tryin’ to progress the story. While the filmmakers do questionably deliver the “massacre” in the title, it’s just a graphic of a mushroom cloud I think the heroes are responsible fer which is pretty fucked up. Avoid at all cost! 1/5!

CHRISTMAS PRESENCE aka WHY HIDE? (2018)

A convoy of miserable Brits have a intimate Christmas reunion in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and are eventually attacked by a shapeshiftin’ spider ghost. This Shudder original is one of them kind of flicks that has a lot of the right elements for a decent horror, but it fumbles its establishment of the lead character and loses a lot of momentum and holiday appeal as soon as Christmas day arrives midway through. Cool monster, though. Song and dance boo-gers, kidnappin’ spirits, button vomitin’, evil mirror twins, sacrificial rituals, lingerie runways with proud muffin tops, stiffs in the snow, hypnosis, and folks killed with a sofa bed! 2/5!

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Chromeskull survives his head bashin’ acid facial from the last flick and is rescued by . . . his corporation of demented employees?! After a brief montage crammed with months of recovery, he’s ready to make a comeback and tie up loose ends from the first Laid to Rest while terminatin’ some overly ambitious killers on his payroll. Woo-wee! This quietly celebrated series keeps the momentum goin’ with all the jarrin’ gore I come to expect from the first movie, and it’s all the more brutal when dished out on a cast of likeable characters. Even more impressive is how the filmmakers manage to maintain Chromeskull’s mystique while revealin’ more of his story which begs more questions in the best of ways. Disembowelin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s, sides of folks’ heads sliced off, reality TV POV, girls in coffins, boobs, deep throatin’ knives, gnarly spinner weapons, insultin’ copycat killers, facial reconstructive surgery, and Danielle Harris cleans up nicely as a hench gal on Chromeskull’s payroll! 4/5!

CIRCLE OF EIGHT (2009)

The new gal in a shoddy apartment buildin’ suspects her neighborin’ high brow artists are welcomin’ her with a gaslightin’ scheme full of dead bodies only she sees, but then there’s some confusin’ twist I think suggests she’s a restless spirit stuck in a sexual death loop some ghost hunters are tryin’ to free her from. Whatever the fuck’s goin’ on in this haunted New Year’s Eve flick, I’d rather research the chemical properties of radioactive Mountain Dew than spend time makin’ sense of a story with its head up its ass I’m sure the filmmakers must think is pretty clever. Fatal freefall, hangin’s, plastic bag suffocation, glow in the dark Mountain Dew paintin’s, drowned videographers, suspicious file rooms, fire startin’ make-out sessions, elevator offices, suspicious toothbrushes, pinned loved interests, and confusin’ flashbacks to drowned brothers! 2/5!

CIRCUS ROAD aka CLOWN FEAR (2020)

When a carload of bridesmaids breakdown in Clown City, USA (not even jokin’), they mingle with the grease face fearin’ locals ’til their forward thinkin’ ways land ’em in hot water with a gang of homicidal clowns sworn to protect their town’s way of life from outsiders. Inspired by the real-life Clown Motel ‘cross from a cemetery in Nevada, this cheap laugh has its moments, but not ‘nough to justify its nearly two hour runnin’ time! While it manages to spotlight a handful of good actors and deliver some respectable scenes like the fairgrounds trial at the end, there’s still alotta poorly shot scenes (the filmmakers can’t properly light a black man to save their life), needless blow by blow editin’, ridiculous actin’, and confusion whether or not the clowns are supernatural. Head bashin’ with bats, kidnappin’s, Stockholm syndrome, driver seat grindin’ with boobs, topless swimmin’ hole dippin’, Russian roulette, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, boobs in the bath with nude undies, scared girls pissin’ ’emselves, throwin’ knives to the face, exploitative clown flashbacks, and cellphone boob pics! 2/5!

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

When Lincoln High’s worst gang of rule breakin’ punks threaten to disrupt Mr. Norris’ music class, he gets into a pissin’ match with the delinquent youths that escalates from name callin’ and vandalism to fatal mano a mano showdowns in the school halls. Most the flick feels like an after school Lifetime special, but if ya hang with it, the final act has some pretty remarkable death scenes when Mr. Norris is pushed to the point of sendin’ his underage bullies to detention hall in body bags. Human matchsticks, demolition garage derby, firebombed rides, punk rock clubs, semi-reserved gang rape, home invasions, fatal freefalls, car wrecks, pop quizzes at gunpoint, restroom drug deals, hangin’s, lab animal massacres, birthday suit hooker auditions, drug snortin’, needle shootin’, blood peltin’, wife nappin’, severed arms, buzzsaws to the back, and Michael J. Fox gets shived in the gut! 4/5!

CLASS OF 1999 2: THE SUBSTITUTE (1994)

The dust has settled from the Class of 1999‘s epic battle with robo-teachers gone nutso, but one secret battle droid remains at large and chop sueys his way to the next high school needin’ extreme lessons in discipline. But when the poor man’s substitute for the Terminator can’t compute sexual tension a hot teacher causes him, it’s open season on students in a paintball tournament that cops out on a lot of special effects thanks to a twist endin’. The weakest and cheapest in the Class series, this may not be as epic as its predecessors but still offers enough bang for my buck to keep me entertained. Watchin’ Ms. Hot For Teacher swoon over the intensely stoic robo-sub like he’s perfectly normal definitely gives me some knee slappin’ laughs. Melodramatic background explosions galore, great outdoor booby traps, swingin’ logs, pitfalls, grenades, explodin’ classmates, hangin’s, stabbin’s, drive-by shootin’s, body sock armor, fatal freefalls, impressive one take stunt work, shoe horned expositions, boobs between the sheets, explodin’ cars, poorly hung plastic tarp graffiti to avoid actually defacin’ buildin’s, school hall brawls, paintball war games, pretentious poetry, mental robos, explodin’ bunkers, and hotties joggin’ in tight pants! 3/5!

CLASSROOM 6 (2015)

A sad excuse for a news team unnecessarily locks themselves in a supposedly haunted college overnight to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a teacher and student and encounter an invisible force from reflective portals to hell or wherever. I give this found footage flick credit for a semi-interestin’ premise with decent ‘nough actin’, but it completely fails at everythin’ else. With all the inappropriate jewelry, shitty camera work, constant boom dips, and incorrect news stances, this should really be college yahoos filmin’ a story for a school project, not a “professional” news crew. The filmmakers’ obvious lack of a budget forces them to rely on the audience to scare themselves with their own imagination fillin’ in the terrifyin’ special effect gaps, but the set-ups are as ineffective as the horribly explained pseudo-science used to explain whatever’s roamin’ academia. Super imposed clip-art ghosts, compasses used as a poor man’s EMF reader, spooky tennis balls, classroom brawlin’, upset deans, and back carvin’! 2/5!

THE CLEANSE (2016)

Better titled Metaphor: The Movie, a small gang of strangers is accepted into a juice cleansin’ program in the boonies where they’re expectin’ to be purged of their bodily toxins but projectile vomit Pokemon lookin’ critters of their personal flaws and hang-ups ‘stead. To complete the cleanse, they gotta fight the urge to nurture these cute special effects and kill ’em ‘fore they grow into deadly beasts. More indie drama than horror, this flick is beautifully shot with top shelf effects supported by a solid cast, but the story leaves a lot to be desired regardin’ characters’ motivations and resolutions I don’t feel are fully realized. Probably ’cause the filmmakers were too busy keepin’ us on our toes flippin’ the conventional scenarios. I wouldn’t recommend this for animal lovin’ horror fans ‘less they’re okay with pet monster violence. Yokels eatin’ the world’s biggest hotdog, bed stiffs, blindfold walkin’, monster stranglin’, car wrecks, plumber’s nightmares, and monsters under the bed! 3/5!

CLICKBAIT (2019)

When Bailey’s streak for internet fame comes to an abrupt end, she’ll do whatever it takes to be back on top, even if it means lettin’ a home invadin’ stalker get dangerously close to post peepin’ tom vids of her online. With a respectable production value, thoughtful premise, and likable cast featurin’ an enjoyable performance by Colby Stewart whose screen presence is undeniable, this horror comedy is surefire entertainment, but for only so long. It’s unfortunately plagued by a weak script that lacks any tension and relies too heavily on loopin’ conversations, pissin’ time tricks, confusin’ lingo for this movie’s version of YouTube, and some runnin’ parody on Pop Tarts that surprisingly never ties into the story as many times as it’s dropped in. Halloween parties, turd costumes, Toot Strudel ads galore, repetitive shower scenes without boobs, blood spittin’, John Carpenter’s Halloween nods, twist endin’s, disembowelment, and faux law officials! 2/5!

CLOVERFIELD PARADOX (2018)

A meltin’ pot of astronauts try savin’ the world from limited resources and WW3 with a new doo-hickey in space, but an overload smashes them face first with an alternate dimension that upsets the very essence of reality. The third installment in the Clovefield series from J.J. Abrams, this is one top notch production with a likeable cast and a doozy of a space mystery that gets a little too crazy to understand at times but easy enough to enjoy with softball clues for its relation to the other flicks. Biggest disappointment is the lack of monsters that make less of a blip in this thing than in 10 Cloverfield Lane. Astronauts fused with wires, 3D printed guns, hideaway bellies, worm vomit, sentient arms with all the answers, insta-freeze deaths, self-sacrifices in space, explosions, international spies, weird walls, gunshots, nanobite malfunctions, and one monster! 4/5!

CLOWN (2014)

It ain’t easy to come up with new scary clown films, but this does pretty damn well. Desperate for a party clown to entertain his son’s birthday, a dad throws on some humorous rags he finds in a mysterious trunk, never realizin’ he’s wearin’ the skin of a Nordic demon that starts transformin’ him into a nightmarish beast with a hunger for children. This movies hits the grounds runnin’ and never lets up ’til the end credits which is good and bad. We’re taken on an escalatin’ journey of body horror as we follow the dad’s transformation, but I would like to have seen that pushed a lot more with the effects and final metamorphosis akin to Cronenberg’s The Fly. I also feel like startin’ right into the dad’s dilemma with the evil clown suit doesn’t allow us the opportunity to really establish the emotional bond between him and his family which leaves a lot of this necessary drama drivin’ the story to fall flat. Regurgitated young’n bones, sawed young’ns, Chuck E Cheese chaos, blood flowin’ tubes, bloody ball pits, home video exorcisms, decapitations, car wrecks, colorful clown suicides, possessed doggies decapitated, fingers bitten, fun with power tools, slaughtered young’ns, nose rippin’, and Peter Stormare is the character with all the exposition again! 4/5!

THE CLOWN AT MIDNIGHT (1999)

Students earn their college degree fixin’ up a busted old theater and earn extra credit runnin’ from a killer opera clown hidin’ in its secret nooks and crannies. This post-Scream flick follows the slasher formula to a T with tragic backstories, extreme deaths, rockin’ tunes, and a cast of hip catalog models flanked by more seasoned talent, but the pacin’ is a little slow, and the logic behind clown’s motivation for wearin’ his get-up and knockin’ folks off is a little muddled. Onscreen decapitations, axes to the head, electric chair kills, fatal freefalls, spears through the gut, hung hos, boobs, sword play perfectly juxtaposed with bangin’, trap doors, rats, strangulations, stabbin’s, hand gags, and the clown look is in fashion! 3/5!

CLOWN FEAR aka CIRCUS ROAD (2020)

CLOWN MOTEL (2019)

An RV full of amateur ghost hunters cross paths with a bachelorette party of selfish psychos when they randomly find themselves stuck at the real life Clown Motel where the killable ghosts of mobster torched clowns rise from the nearby graveyard for a non-sense sacrifice. Too little story to be supported by such convoluted exposition, this is ‘nother one of them flicks that’s burstin’ with potential but is sadly executed with mixed results from shaky supernatural logic, story details that don’t gel, and a cast of unlikable women who shit all over root worthy characters tryin’ to help ’em. Arm rippin’, head bashin’, face smashin’, cave clowns, slaughtered pinheads, gold mines, mobster hit squads, motel burnin’, clown collectibles galore, psychedelic showers, offscreen nookie in the bathroom, impaled boobs, ghostly midget clowns, plot drivin’ journals, fatty clowns porkin’ ham, wig yankin’, homo clown rape, strangulation, and the original Jason Voorhees screamin’, “Respect the testicles!” 2/5!

CLOWNADO (2019)

A ruthless grease-faced ringleader and his circus are cursed with supernatural powers that involve travelin’ in CGI twisters and immediately seek revenge on the cheatin’ redhead who made ’em that way while randomly tearin’ after small town yahoos I guess are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. More clown than ‘nado, this is a fun idea exploitin’ the whirlwind success of the Sharknado movies, but the biggest difference ‘tween the two is this trips itself up with too much explanation behind the clownado’s origin and fails to anchor the story to any one perspective for me to know who’s story this even is. My biggest problem, however, is the clowns’ motivation and the logic behind their cyclone curse regardin’ who they’re after, what they want, and how their evil can be so easily stopped with cold bombs and everyday handguns as if there’s nothin’ that fantastical ’bout ’em. Runaway teens, topless human dart boards, secret burials, weaponized wounds, storm chasers, head rippin’, monstrous titties, explodin’ cartoon heads with confetti, gun-fightin’, explodin’ liquid nitrogen, lotta pasty boobs, strippers, stalkin’ fathers, dwarf-sized respawns, non-stop redhead resurrections, circus witches, black Elvis impersonators, bar brawls, gut squishin’, high flyin’ heroes, flesh chompin’, stabbin’s, and a quick cameo by a punked out Linnea Quigley! 2/5!

CLOWNDOLL (2019)

In this Chucky sorta knock-off, a serial killer’s spirit inhabits a big-ass clown doll and steadily frames his new prego owner for the murder of her friends and family. A surprisin’ little flick I completely underestimated, this European horror may echo a lotta other killer doll movies I’ve seen ‘fore, but it manages to stand out in an already crowded toybox thanks to a compellin’ last girl and effectively creepy slasher the filmmakers strategically film with thoughtful edits. Sequel worthy in my opinion. Pencils through hands, human matchsticks, electrocutin’ baths, hangin’s, supernatural strangers callin’ from inside the house, pill poppin’, roofies, knives to the noggin, and possible twist endin’ possessed babies?! 4/5!

CLOWNS OF HALLOWEEN (2017)

In this atrocious collection of Z-grade cinema, director Dustin Ferguson slaps together ol’ short films of his involvin’ killer clowns on Halloween without any connectin’ narrative and presents an hour long tolerance tester of yahoos bein’ killed by the ghost of Leatherface in clown make-up, a little antique clown doll, and a psycho in a clown mask stealin’ Michael Myer’s schtick. We’ll give the filmmakers an “A” for effort, but as enthusiastic as these orange drenched love letters to John Carpenter are, they just fail to make up for their limited resources with more intuitive camerawork, smarter editing, or sophisticated storytellin’. More than likely unsolicited filmin’ in a Spirits Halloween shop, cross-dressin’, nightmare sequences, horny drunk girls, Halloween parties, seances, and too many nods to John Carpenter’s Halloween to be legal! 1/5!

CLOWNTOWN (2016)

A lost cell phone detours a double date through an empty bumfuck town where a handful of murderous clowns do whatever they want. This is one of those frustrating kind of horror films to watch, because you feel like it has a lot of potential to be something great, but the filmmakers just miss opportunity after opportunity with every passing scene. Decent flick with good idea and believable actors, but could have been more creative and waaay scarier. Co-workers on fire, topless baby-sitters, compact clowns, head bashings, Halloween nods, loosey goosey origin stories, rooftop brawls, crooked cops, crucified hands, dollies, and dog food delicacies! 3/5!

THE CLUB (1994)

Old ass lookin’ teens are enjoyin’ their Renaissance festival themed prom when a wacky demon suddenly stops time for a gang of students and test their bravery to decide the fate of their night. The camera work is solid, the music’s not bad, the atmosphere is impressive, and the special effects stand head and shoulders above the actin’, but the story is so weak and confusin’ with folks subjected to the same trials over and over again. How many times can we see the lead and his gal fight off the same pervy teacher? What’s the suicide club all about?? Who thought this needed three different human torch scenes?! Fatal freefall slappin’, demonic make-up, walkin’ satanic BBQ, monstrous tongues, monster bangin’, boobs . . . sorta, human matchsticks, stabbin’s, restroom brawls, demo-vision, yahoos flung through halls, beheadin’s, and domestic slappin’! 2/5!

COCAINE BEAR (2023)

Lawmen, switch blade punks, and separated families won’t keep ’80s drug dealers from findin’ missin’ gym bags of cocaine in a Georgia state park, but things are more dangerous than they could imagine when a mama bear gets into their stash and tears through the woods in a coked out rage huntin’ fer meat and more booger sugar. Inspired by true events in the loosest way possible, this black comedy slasher of a creature feature just barely lives up to the hype its title generates. The cartoon bear effects ‘long with the pulse racin’ kills are phenomenal, but the majority of the flick is spent with these fragmented clicks of yahoos runnin’ ’round the park with differin’ agendas which makes things feel a little incohesive. Sure, these characters are likable and engagin’, but I just don’t find anyone as funny as the filmmakers obviously meant ’em to be. If there’s ever a sequel, I hope there’s more bear scenes and the comedy’s pushed a lot further. Disembowelin’, leg severin’ galore, road rash facials, ambulance massacres, hand severin’, car wreckin’, head explodin’, ass bitin’, coke eatin’, maulin’ galore, tree climbin’, human road kill, bullets to the gut, finger severin’, restroom beat downs, bear cub beatin’, waterfall jumpin’, accidental hangin’, candy stealin’, fatal sky divin’, ranger station massacres, and coke snortin’ galore! 3/5!

COFFIN BABY aka TOOLBOX MURDERS 2 (2013)

In this gore over substance shamble of a slasher, a young woman is kidnapped by a disfigured cannibal and imprisoned in his underground dungeon to witness brutal acts of special effects gore ’til ghosts of his victims finally hand her a cell phone to call the cops. One of the most ridiculous flicks I’ve ever seen, not only does the paper thin plot play out like a special effects demo-reel, the last girl’s actin’ is all over the damn place. As if her three week stint in the killer’s hellhole was edited out of order, she bounces back and forth ‘tween ass-kickin’ survivor to a child-like simpleton every scene, and none of it’s ever convincin’, ’cause her hair and make-up’s always perfect no matter how awful things get. The biggest questions I have for the filmmakers, however, is why they have the killer force the girl to watch this movie’s openin’ credits, and when she pulls a switcharoo with a corpse to cover her escape, why is she so dumb, she chops the wrong hand off the body?! Folks table sawed in half, BBQ corpses, flesh eatin’, cockroach eatin’, vomittin’, crucified corpses, mutilated bodies galore, fatal freefalls, fried flesh snacks, severed hands, decorative scarrin’, facial nit-pickin’, leg carvin’, unbelievably awkward lookin’ fight sequences, ghost march, overactin’ cops, blowtorched stumps, and disembowelin’! 2/5!

COHERENCE (2013)

As a comet passes Earth, a confused dinner party of friends find themselves playin’ alternate reality roulette everytime they step outside the house and run into their doppelgangers from other dimensions. I’ve seen my fair share of multiverse suspense flicks, but this is pretty interestin’ for how differently the filmmakers tackle J.J. Abrams’ favorite subject matter with twists and turns presented in how their reality is more confusin’ and mixed up than originally presented. Only real flaw is how the last girl’s journey feels a little flat and erratic at times which may be because most the movie was improvised by the actors goin’ from moment to moment as they’re bein’ fed the scenes. Busted car windows, glow sticks, identity boxes, doppelganger violence, and mumbo jumbo math! 3/5!

COLD MOON (2017)

It’s the tubular ’80s, and a greedy small town banker murders a family of blueberry farmers who return as Tim Burton-ish ghosts to haunt him for his sins. This flick has a Tales From the Crypt kind of premise with a nice hook and there’s some unforgettable supernatural scenes, but this was just poorly executed as an overall movie thanks to the first half bein’ plagued with poorly paced edits, inconsistent point of views, and fizzled out tension. The biggest problem I have is not givin’ a damn about the tragic blueberry family thanks to the filmmakers presentin’ them as these flat dimwit characters I never have an honest moment to connect with them over. Should have made this a suspenseful supernatural mystery solved from the perspective of the banker’s underage fling. Ghost girls on invisible bikes, snake tongues, dirty water ghosts, snakey granny ghosts, decapitations floatin’ merrily down the river, head tossin’, explodin’ coffins, money schemes, possessed vehicles, head bashin’s, drownin’s, and frantic grannies! 3/5!

COLD PREY (2006)

A bunch of Norwegian yahoos go snowboarding in some remote mountains and shack up in a seemingly abandoned ski resort after one of them breaks their leg, unaware they’ve invaded a killer’s hideout. For the most part, this is a pretty lame film not too different from any other slasher flick you’ve ever seen, minus an abundance of gore. Not a lot of character development, little bit of a confusing origin story for the killer, and most the action plays out like a weak Tom and Jerry chase. The one scene that really separates it from the rest is the intense ending when the final girl takes one last stand against the killer. Broken legs, pick axes to the back and chest, shotguns to the chest, icy disposals, bear traps, ambushes in the snow, and coping with soup cans! 3/5!

THE COLONY (2013)

It’s the post-apocalyptic future on ice, and a vicious tribe of smart-ass cannibals chase Laurence Fishburne back to his colony where Bill Paxton’s gotta take a break from shooting flu victims to fight a savage invasion. An okay film that won’t put you to sleep, but very little story, lots of blatant green screen work, and not enough Bill Paxton for my entertainment. Bullets for medicine, weather machines, head bashings, stabbings, heads cut in half, dead bodies galore, bridge parkour, and Fishburne gives his most explosive performance yet! 3/5!

THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK (1958)

When a scientist’s genius of a son is turned to road kill, he scoops his noodle into a behemoth of a machine to preserve his intellect for the benefit of mankind, but the fella’s lack of humanity warps him into a mad monster with bafflin’ psychic powers who decides to stare folks to death with death ray peepers at the United Nations buildin’. One helluva sweet cyborg flick nobody talks ’bout, this monster movie cuts deep with problems it thinks up fer someone bein’ turned into a machine while showin’ off one of cinema’s more outlandish robot costumes. A slow but unforgettable watch, the only sour nearly sinkin’ this sucker is its harsh ivory key soundtrack and super annoyin’ radio sound effects whenever the Colossus talks. Basement labs, psychic links, mind control lightshows, psychic predictions, giant stranger danger, family feuds, United Nations massacres, water logged brains doin’ math, and emergency shut-off valves fer killer lab experiments! 4/5!

COMBAT SHOCK (1986)

A Vietnam vet struggles with memories of a massacre he may or may not have been responsible for during the war and strolls Staten Island looking for work to feed his stay at home wife and deformed baby. An incredibly depressing film you better not watch alone, this stream of conscious story doesn’t really offer anything of cinematic value until the third act when the vet gets desperate and goes off the deep end with his downtrodden family in tow. Pimps, unemployment lines, muggings, bookie executions, hobo suicides, flashback revelations, human meat piles, ‘nam torture, dead baby gags, eviction notices, kiddie street walkers, babies in the oven, and fleeting moments of what could have been the start to a more interesting stories. 2/5!

COME PLAY (2020)

A SpongeBob obsessed young’n with autism finds out an interdimensional Peepin’ Tom named Larry’s watchin’ him through his electronic devices, and if he’s tricked into readin’ Larry’s entire eBook on loneliness, the powerful booga boos gonna force ’em to be BFFs forever. Way more satisfyin’ than the Babadookie, this storytime nightmare’s got plenty goin’ for it as far as engagin’ characters and creepy phone app moments are concerned, but its script could’ve used ‘nother round of edits. I can bring myself to overlook how loose Larry’s rules are from what he can and can’t do, ‘fore folks read his whole biography (‘cept for maybe him outrunnin’ a truck on the highway but unable to catch a young’n on foot), but I can’t help but feel like I missed somethin’ every time the mom talks ’bout her son hatin’ her and think both parents are too quick to jump on the monster movie train like knowledgeable horror fans who believe everythin’ they watch. Invisible home invasions, slumber party crashin’, explodin’ lights, lite bullyin’, car wrecks, light gun scares, monstrous chases, parkin’ lot jump scares, ghostly dancin’, and ZERO body counts! 4/5!

COMEDOWN (2012)

A gang of Euro punks are paid to set up a radio pirate satellite in an abandoned apartment buildin’, and after so much nothin’ happens that I start questionin’ whether or not this was mistakenly labeled horror, a scary squatter suddenly comes outta nowhere to kill ’em all for smashin’ his pet pigeons’ eggs. While this flick is well shot and sports a respectable cast of click characters, it’s meanderin’ story structure and snooze inducin’ pace leaves a lot to be desired. There’s a gory death here and there and a bit of a grande finale with the psycho killer, but nothin’ memorable much less rewatchable. Fatal freefalls, gang violence, random acts of violence on eggs, baby pigeon memorials, booby traps, pregos in cages, bit confusin’ endin’s, and power tool tauntin’! 2/5!

CONJURING 2 (2016)

If you saw the first one, you’ve pretty much seen the sequel. The famous paranormal tag-team, the Warrens, are swearing off investigations but get pulled back in the game when a little girl in London is bullied by the ghost of old man Wilkins. Slick cinematography boosted by a perfect rhythm of jump scares, the Warrens continue to be one of the best couples in a horror movie, but this sequel just didn’t add enough to elevate the series much less differentiate it from the original. No deaths, no tension, water dungeons, demonic nuns, Elvis cover songs, Christmas, Amityville murder reenactments, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland looking creatures, flying furniture, a Supernatural subplot with no explanation, and scary tents no one has enough sense to take down. 4/5!

THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT (2021)

The demon-bustin’ Warrens are back, and this time, they gotta prove in court demonic possession is a legit defense ‘gainst a murder charge when they investigate a poor schmuck’s entanglement in a witch’s chaotic curse. A family safe horror with mild scenes of gore that’s no worse than any cop show or circus act, this entry in the Conjuring series manages to deliver the usual CG effects and jump scares but with a fresh new spin pittin’ one of horror’s favorite couples ‘gainst evil cults ‘stead of pissed off booga boos. Another solid movie all ’round from the Conjuring universe, the only sour I can even entertain is the lack of tension surroundin’ the Warrens’ life threatenin’ predicaments at this point, and just not givin’ a shit ’bout the young couple they’re tryin’ to help. Bone snappin’ twister, dark altars, underground tunnel chases, sinister illusions, psychic links, bloated corpse puppets, curses, bum tickers, rats galore, waterbed possessions, stabbin’s, attempted exorcisms, body jumpin’, freefallin’ chainsaws, throat slittin’, cult paraphernalia, cliff jumpin’, breakin’ and enterin’, psychic party tricks, and murder reenactments! 4/5!

THE CONVENT (2000)

A jeep full of college yahoos crash an abandoned convent to see if it’s really haunted – and it is. Possessed by black light demons compelled to dress like dead holly rollers, only Adrienne Barbeau can roll up in this mother with guns blazin’ and blow ’em all away ‘fore they usher in the Anti-Christ. In a nutshell, this grindhouse feelin’ flick reminds me of Night of the Demons with touches of Evil Dead 2 here and there. The plot’s thin, and the edits seem to keep the tension feelin’ aloof, but there’s non-stop special effects once the ball gets rollin’, the characters display a quirky charm, and this has to be the coolest Adrienne’s EVER looked in a movie. Human matchsticks, unholy possessions, demonic decapitations, convent massacres, Satan worshippin’ weenies, stabbin’ galore, dick chompin’, blood spewin’ showers followed by scoldin’ possessin’ showers, evil-vision, aggressive homos, blood n’ guts, virgin rituals, a dog who lives to be possessed at the end, and an over the top Coolio cameo with Bill Moseley as jokes of the law! 3/5!

COOTIES (2014)

When school yard monsters eat contaminated chicken nuggets for lunch, recess turns into a bloodbath as crazed young’ns tear after their teachers who include Dwight from The Office and substitute hobbit, Elijah Wood. Great moments of gore, believable what the fuck moments, and a cast you care about, I just can’t believe how long it takes people to kill psycho young’ns after watchin’ them jump rope with people’s intestines! Young’ns eatin’ asphalt, hair rippin’, face bitin’, games of decapitated tether ball, shroom trippin’ crossing guards, fast ball attacks, explosive indoor playgrounds, dual rear wheels, ventilation chases, kung-fu janitors, stories about evil boats, decayin’ brains, viral babies, disembowelment, head bashin’, Lord of the Rings nods, vehicular young’n slaughter, and vicious young’n piles! 3/5!

C.O.R.N.: A FIELD OF SCREAMS (2021)

While their new step dad hikes the great yander for roadside assistance, a brother and sister ditch their busted ride to celebrate Halloween with the locals for a couple of days and end up in the middle of an underground taxidermy competition ran by murderous artists. Kinda House of Wax meets a poor man’s Hostel with minimum holiday spirit, this ain’t a bad idea for a horror flick, but its loosey goosey storytellin’ makes for a meanderin’ plot with vague relations ‘mong characters and thinly drawn out tension. This could be so much better if it had a more heartless editor workin’ from a tighter script. Kidnappin’, throat slittin’, human taxidermy art, people made into scarecrows for some reason, weirdo children, back stabbin’s, macabre art shows, shit hole dungeons, leg peelin’, powerhouse nimwits, knives to the face, disfigured eyes, human dissectin’, squattin’, silo partyin’, haunted corn mazes, haunted hay rides, evil step parents, big boob bikini slow-mo, and waterhole dippin’! 2/5!

CORONA ZOMBIES (2020)

As Coronavirus zombies overwhelm the world, a special task force is assembled to locate the motherload of TP and fight the epidemic at its source in a Chinese bat soup factory. Exploitation filmmakin’ at its best, Full Moon’s fast track response to the Coronavirus epidemic is made possible by humorously redubbin’ an edited down version of Hell of the Living Dead like a lost episode of Rifftrax and slippin’ in clips from Zombies vs Strippers with newly shot bimbo footage bookendin’ it all. A funny new spin on an Italian splatter classic that keeps me laughin’ from beginnin’ to end, the only curious sours I’ve got to gripe ’bout is why the bimbo’s shower scene is in her clothes and how or why she randomly teleports to a different scene at the very end! 4/5!

COUNTDOWN (2019)

In what could be called Final Destination meets The Asphyx, there’s a mysterious new app that tells ya when yer gonna die, and when one nurse uses it to cheat her expiration, she pisses off a demonic force that’ll ensure she meets her appointment on time. The concept of a killer app may not sound like all it’s cracked up to be, but the filmmakers do a phenomenal job deliverin’ a horror movie full of likable characters, tense situations, well placed humor, and one genuinely creepy lookin’ monster. Only thing that can make this sweeter are some gorier deaths. Human roadkill, demonic assassinations, airborne doctors, sarcastic hackers, sexual harassment in the workplace, anxious priests, salt circles, shape shiftin’ trickery, fatal freefalls, suicidal injections, resurrections, spooky spoonin’, and DUI wrecks! 4/5!

CRABS (2021)

After rampant radiation in a coastal community mutates horseshoe crabs into killer puppets and kaiju suit actors, a genius cripple fights to keep his town at the top of the food chain with other high school outcasts who help him build a giant monster-mashin’ robot shark outta thin air. As fun and respectable as this comical creature feature is with its pleasant round-up of actors and charmin’ special effects, it’s stopped short of greatness by a wonky paced story with the occasional plot hole, sporadic spurts of escalated dangers, and stiff camerawork. The sour that bothers me most (other than underutilizin’ the amazin’ actin’ chops of Jessica Morris) is the conflictin’ brands of humor with the filmmakers tryin’ to make this a grounded chuckle like Gremlins (goin’ so far as even mirrorin’ scenes from that obvious influence) the same time they’re introducin’ slapstick nonsense like Better Off Dead (the whiz kid literally throwin’ hammers ’round his garage ’til the tech used in his robot legs is reconfigured into a big ass battle bot). Might work in more masterful hands, but not here. Bangin’ on the beach, face maulin’ with buckets of blood, blue blood gore, downtown massacres, Gremlins bar scene nods, human puppets, monstrous transformations, foreign exchange student warriors, dead cat dissectin’, black market power cores doublin’ fer lasers, short circuitin’ exo-frames, stoned monster sightin’s, garage massacres, mercy killin’s, and a brief prom scene stuck in the middle of the movie! 3/5!

CRASH! (1977)

A couple’s marital problems turn supernatural when a cursed jockey lot trinket gives a disfigured wife the power to attack her homicidal hubby with a thought controlled convertible. This unsung terror on wheels flick from Charles Band offers plenty of ’70s car stunts and soap drama, but the road rage sequences feels like a completely separate story from the feudin’ spouses that doesn’t really tie in ’til the very last scene. Driverless cars, random hitchhikin’ dog attacks, car wrecks, cop car pile ups, dogs killed by thought controlled wheelchairs, amnesiac hospital dramas, car chases, murderous cripples, sauna prisons, and blood shot eye possessions! 3/5!

CRAWL (2019)

As if outrunnin’ a mean hurricane weren’t bad ‘nough, a rough ‘n tough swimmer’s gotta rescue her dad from a labyrinth of a crawlspace under their house that’s floodin’ with big ass CG gators. A well executed nail bitter that hits on all cylinders with plenty of what-would-ya-do moments, the only thang I’m a little turned off by is how superhuman our Joe Blow heroes are after numerous run-ins with their monstrous co-stars that shoulda left ’em in a lot worse shape. I’d imagine someone can only be chomped on the legs and arms so many times ‘fore those limbs are useless, and I don’t care how much fight or flight adrenaline’s pumpin’ through yer stringbean body, you ain’t matchin’ strength with a animal that hits with the force of a dump truck! Canine tag-alongs who’re never hurt, gator babies, spiders, rats, severed arms, lootin’ massacres, head rippin’, and gators eatin’ bullets! 4/5!

CRAWLERS (2020)

A secret hive of copycat e.ts. get spooked by a town’s St. Patty’s bar crawl and ruin everyone’s holiday with a body snatchin’ plot only a handful of college yahoos have any luck of shuttin’ down. One of the better Hulu flicks from Blumhouse’s Into the Dark series, the set dressin’ and wardrobe do an awesome job deckin’ nearly every scene in a celebration of green that puts most other St. Patrick’s themed movies to shame. The cast is pretty enjoyable as well, but there’s just too much dull dialogue with a lotta hit and miss chuckles keepin’ ’em from shinin’ the way the filmmakers were obviously strivin’ for. Somethin’ I’d be willin’ to overlook if there were more e.t. effects stuck in here. Green blood, bitin’, knives to the head, CG explosions, knife throwin’ to the face, attempted butt-dialed assaults, e.t. meteors, cop cars full of corpses, lotta lotta drinkin’ games, e.t. blood tests, and e.t. doomsday mamas! 3/5!

PETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE (1998)

The U.S. Government creates a feral shark man for winning the Vietnam war but scraps the gene splicing project as soon as he goes on a frenzy. Decades later, the beast with teeth is accidentally freed and treats himself to some Caribbean islanders unless marine biologist Craig T. Nelson and his family can stop him! Originally filmed as a TV mini-series, this 4 hour movie can really be told in a standard hour and a half. Despite that, the film’s got a good story based on a book by the author of Jaws, solid acting, descent TV gore, and one bad ass looking shark creature from the late Stan Winston! Cliff diving, Mama shark savin’, dolphin sharks, pointless hoodoo voodoo, instant limbs, military intervention, scenes right out of Jaws, and blood clouds! 3/5!

CREEP (2004)
An uptown chick misses her train to fan bang George Clooney and finds herself stuck in a subway station where a mysterious rat-like squatter lurks for food and new friends to play doctor with. An interestin’ film with escalatin’ dangers of varyin’ levels, this sewer monster flick refuses to get stuck in a rut and gives us plenty of twists and turns to keep us on our toes. While I don’t need to know every detail about the monster and where he comes from, I do feel like enough clues were dropped by the filmmakers to warrant a clearer explanation as to what he exactly is. Attempted subway rapes, underground squatter guides, gory gashes, black Mario, poo water swimmin’, women in cages, pretend medical care, stabbin’s, throat tearin’, head bashin’, face manglin’, rapist karma, tunnel chases, and happy endin’s for dogs! 4/5!

CREEP 2 (2017)

The cosplayin’ wolf creep from part one has lost his mojo for killin’ and hires a femme filmmaker to document his suicidal confessions. Her forward approach to his awkward behavior throws him off his game, however, and sparks new emotions in him that could make her his Bride of Creep or his newest video victim. I still think the first Creep is the epitome of Mark Duplass’ unsettlin’ ability to unnerve an audience, but his performance is stellar none the less in this sequel that’s familiar at its core but infused with enough new elements to make it fresh and unpredictable. Full frontal Creep, hot tub rub downs, first kisses, hairy pits, wolf cosplay, hide and seek, hangin’ suicides, self stabbin’s, homicidal storytellin’, throat slittin’, and sneaky cam wolf pups! 3/5!

CREEPERS aka PHENOMENA (1985)

A teenage Jennifer Connelly plays a sleepwalkin’ bug whisperer who enrolls in a girls’ boardin’ school that’s shaken up by recent murders in the area. Wantin’ to use her mutant bug powers for good, Jennifer teams up with a crippled Donald Pleasance and his mad monkey to bring the serial killer to justice. Lot of good ideas in this flick, but I don’t think they entirely gel together just right. There’s unnecessary mentions of Jennifer havin’ a split personality I don’t think pay off, I’m not sure just how much she understands her power before Donald coaches her like a Professor X knock-off, and the killer’s motivation with their whole monster young’n thing is lost on me. I also think the rock tracks are dropped in too abruptly and at the wrong times like when an ambulance seems to be blastin’ Motorhead while loadin’ a patient. Chained monsters, icky pits of decay, mad monkey hitchhikers, swarms of flies, flesh eatin’ buggies, knifes on sticks, glass shatterin’ deaths, bullies, insect cock teases, near fatal freefalls, impalements, stabbin’s, vengeful monkeys, explosions on the water, random holes in the floor, killer mamas, monster young’ns, and underwater scares! 3/5!

THE CREEPS (1997)

A socially awkward scientist accidentally brings literature’s greatest monsters to life as midgets, and they have to hunt down a librarian to sacrifice for magical growth spurts. It’s a ridiculous idea for a movie, but it’s fun and an easy watch to kick back to. Video store detectives, book fetishes, midget werewolves, midget vampires, midget mummies, midget Frankensteins, portals, virgin sacrifice rituals, mad science, midget piles, book theft, boobs, Viking ladies, valid reasons for gettin’ topless, and drool all over the camera! 3/5!

CREEPY CRAWLERS aka THEY NEST (2000)

A recoverin’ alky surgeon’s forced to go on vacation, but his retreat to a small island community is anythin’ but relaxin’ as military engineered cockroaches of average size get loose and turn folks into walkin’ incubator meals. Very similar to The Nest but without all the cool effects and gore, this CGI pest fest’s entertainment value really comes from its city slicker lead’s humorous interaction with the quirky locals which keeps things fun and engagin’ between bug bites. Flyin’ cockroach swarms, soldiers gagged and tossed overboard, roaches fightin’ out folk’s mouths, belly bustin’ bugs, barns full of bugs, chicken dinners overrun with bugs, yokels hit by cars, and ballpoint pens shoved in young’ns throats! 3/5!

CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (2019)

Alright, so this is supposed to be an episodic series, but if ya put all the ends together, ya get a feature length run time ’bout a new gang of flesh hungry Popples from space secretly invadin’ a small town on Earth to retrieve a kindred crite before intergalactic bounty hunters blow ’em all to green goo. The CGI spaceships will never beat practical models and the green screen effects could use more finesse, but this ultimately holds up as a worthy entry in the Critters universe. Every character’s likable, the humor’s balanced with an effective family drama, and it leaves me wantin’ more! Interspecies love makin’, animal shelter massacres, shape-shiftin’ mercs from space, CGI spaceship battles with crash landin’s, human crite hybrids, knock out quills, tuck and roll maneuvers, hot dog eatin’ battlegrounds, devoured owls offscreen, baby daddy drama in space, teeth fallin’ out, bunch of folks mauled for an e.t. meal, strangulation, and the giant fur ball with teeth from Critters 2 is back! 4/5!

CRITTERS ATTACK! (2019)

The Crites return to Earth, and they’re in a race with an e.t. slaughterin’ Dee Wallace to catch a small-town babysitter’s flock of pre-teens who stuffed their alien queen in a backpack. Returnin’ to its semi-serious roots, this latest entry in the Critters series does a great job checkin’ all the boxes regardin’ character development, escalatin’ threats, a steady body count with consistent gore, and we even get a break from the tired bounty hunters from space routine with Critters alum Dee Wallace (who may or may not be the same character from the first Critters) slingin’ the heavy artillery. The only hint of sour I get from this flick is feelin’ like the pacin’ could be a little quicker with how soon the main characters come ‘cross our favorite tumbleweeds from space, and the lack of realistic reactions to everythin’ happenin’ which is more than likely intentional. Projectile quills, big-ass critter balls, rub-a-dub deaths, explodin’ Crites galore, bagpipe mix tapes, maulin’s, Crite on Crite violence, secret e.t. monitorin’ rooms, spaceships, Crite pups, meteors, drunken law officials, air horn defenses, Crite stowaways, dead dogs, and sushi chef street fightin’! 4/5!

CROC (2007)

A big ass croc’s eatin’ locals off the coast of Thailand and the employees of a crocodile farm take it upon themselves to stop the modern day dino with the help of a one legged hunter with a piss poor track record played by Michael Madsen. A perfectly paced flick, this creature feature is well shot with plenty of engagin’ characters swimmin’ and fightin’ for their lives ‘gainst some beautiful exotic scenery, but its killer croc footage is laughably all over the place with a rapid fire hodgepodge of deterioratin’ stock footage, taxidermy stand-ins, computer toons, and live action puppets. There’s also a subplot involvin’ realty jerks wantin’ to put the strugglin’ croc farm outta business for their own gain, but it ultimately doesn’t go anywhere with little to no impact on the overall story. Distractin’ makeout getaways, dogs in danger, young’n size croc snacks, croc stunt shows, baby elephant soccer, theme park sabotage, swimmin’ pool massacres, fatal underwater nookies, dynamite fishin’, severed arms, shot up crocs, trap jaw drownin’s, explosive stick escapes, and piles of decayin’ limbs! 4/5!

CROCODILE (2000)

A big ass crocodile in a Californian lake goes primal on a party boat of yahoos when its baby eggs are scrambled by yokels. While this is just another one of them big bad beast flicks most cable channels bank on, this one stands out to me ’cause its directed by Tobe “Texas Chainsaw” Hooper with special effects by KNB (Army of Darkness)! Despite a bunch of forgettable characters, the sweets outweigh the sours with excellent pacin’, rockin’ soundtrack, and a charmin’ rubber croc that goes CGI for more ambitious shots. Crocs eatin’ hicks and obnoxious partyers, egg smashin’, egg stealin’, explosions, barfin’ crocs, wall bustin’, gas station chaos, Egyptian worshippin’ hotel cults, dead chicken snacks, doggies in constant danger without ever bein’ eaten, and lessons in crocs not wantin’ to eat anyone doused in bug spray! 4/5!

CROCODILE 2: DEATH SWAMP (2002)

Extras from The Matrix and Blade rob a bank and hop a commercial flight to Mexico but stupidly cause the plane to crash when bad weather threatens their getaway. Stranded with hostages, they now gotta survive a remote swamp with a pissed off croc after them lookin’ to avenge its siblin’/parent/lover/best friend/neighbor the crooks blew to pieces. This sequel looks great and has better croc effects than the original Hooper flick, but man oh man, the actin’ leaves a lot to be desired. This would be waaay better if it focused more on Martin Kove’s ham performance than unconvincin’ actors tryin’ too hard to be bad guys. CGI crocs, puppet crocs, helicopters versus crocs, explosions, plane crashes, Pulp Fiction nods, folks shot in the face, snooze booze, gory deaths, pool croc nightmares, Swiss cheese crocs, armed bank robberies, and chicks caught in croc jaws! 3/5!

THE CROOKED MAN (2016)

So, some teeny boppers visit a website that plays the Crooked Man song, never stopping to think it could be a cursed tune that summons a pasty face gif glitching ghost who likes breaking bones. After wrongly serving time in juvy for her friend’s murder, one of the girls stirs the curse up again as she seeks retribution in the Crooked Man’s crooked demise. An overall good story and cast of characters, I think this movie’s only fault was its boogey man. His kills were fine, but he wasn’t memorable, needed to do a lot creepier crooked shit, needs to be more physically crooked as opposed to looking like a spazing digital image, and his rules didn’t make any sense. Stabbings, fatal freefalls, broken necks, crooked cats and mice, crooked houses, PEZ dispenser wrists, power solos, and Michael Jai White as the magical negro! 3/5!

CRUEL JAWS aka JAWS 5 (1995)

In this unofficial spaghetti Jaws sequel from Italy, a beach town’s become chum for a shark that’s supposedly trained by the military to be a killin’ machine, and the only hope for stoppin’ the hungry stock footage is a marine biologist who can’t tell tiger sharks from great whites, and a Hulk Hogan wannabe tryin’ to save his water park from greedy real estate mobsters exploitin’ the attacks. Cruel Jaws not only saves ya the trouble of watchin’ every Jaws flick by combinin’ each one’s plot points into a single feature, but even throws in bits from ‘nother spaghetti Jaws copycat, The Last Shark! Yup, it’s guilt-free copyright infringement at its most absurd, and I’m laughin’ from beginnin’ to end with its creative re-editin’ of all too familiar stories with a comically low-budget approach. Dolphin performers, seal pranks, sail boat races, shark huntin’ teens, Lex Luthor wannabes, copycat tunes that lift from John Williams’s greatest hits like Star Wars and Superman, big plastic shark heads, wheelchair young’ns, sharks vs helicopters, chewed up scuba divers, Chrissie wannabes, sunken ship finales right outta Jaws 4 without the tension, and shark attack spectators! 4/5!

CRUISE INTO TERROR (1978)

A cruise off the Gulf of Mexico ‘comes a treasure hunt fer a sunken Egyptian tomb, and the passengers are violently split over whether or not a baby size sarcophagus they bring ‘board has a little Anti-Christ waitin’ to be unleashed in time fer the new Millennium. So ridiculous it’s entertainin’, this idiot box picture doesn’t make the most sense why the Anti-Christ would stay a baby for 1000 years just to grow into adulthood the second he’s dredged up, but it’s a wild ‘nough premise to hold my attention. Starrin’ a respectable humdrum ensemble of talents encounterin’ suspicious situations ‘fore buggin’ on each other over their potential roles in the world’s demise, this flick would be sweeter if it just developed one character more dynamically than the rest who could play a more pivotal role in the fate of the cruise while drivin’ home the historical significance of their actions. Shark scares, overboard danglin’, underwater burials, head crushin’, ship fires, and pulsatin’ props! 2/5!

CRY BABY LANE (2000)

Declared too scary for Nickelodeon after gutless parents supported their youngn’s bein’ wimps, this TV movie is about two brothers accidentally yankin’ an evil twin’s weed from his final restin’ place, settin’ his dark soul free to inflict an asshole epidemic over the town. With help from live action Skeletor (Frank Langella), the brothers race to find the nice twin’s grave and yank his weed in the hopes his good vibes will return everyone to normal. Good music, fine actin’, and a solid script, I don’t know what all the hoo-flaw was about this thing bein’ too dark for young’ns. No deaths, no blood, no open wounds, no cursin’, no sex or boobs . . . this taken off the air stuff’s gotta be made up for marketin’, you know? Cemetery pranks, bull shit, toro toros, police car chases, off road demolition derbies with a hearse, possessions, mad dogs, dimwit assistants, young’ns yanked underground, worm food, spooky whispers, Lord of the Rings nods, ghost stories, and racin’ bikes against trains! 4/5!

CUBBYHOUSE aka HELLION: THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND (2001)

A newly divorced mom drags her American youngn’s down under to Australia and moves them all into a home with a haunted cubbyhouse outback that’s thirsty for children’s souls. Not a bad film, overall. The characters are decent enough, you get an unlikely hero you don’t see coming, the green screen portals to hell and flying CGI debris looks good, and the young’s ain’t too annoying as they become some demon’s evil tikes. Deadly vegetation, cockroach showers, indestructible cubbyhouses, possessed make-out sessions, possessed computers, young’n sacrifices, great nuthouse escapes, teen detectives, sewer squeeze deaths, apparitions with chainsaws, impalements, guess who exorcisms, possessed youngn’s, and bi-polar moms! 3/5!

CUCUY: THE BOGEYMAN (2018)

Mexico’s version of Krampus, the Cucuy, is makin’ sack lunches of neighborhood brats, and only a pair of sisters have any chance of rescuin’ them from his interdimensional bag. As cool as the Cucuy looks, it comes off as hokey as a Goosebumps monster at times, but regardless, this is an impressive little Syfy flick that earns a place in my horror collection. A well paced story with punches of tension and light heartedness with entertainin’ characters keepin’ you on board ’til the very end. Home invasions, deaf heroes, bogeyman fanatics, supernatural prison deaths, young’n chowin’ monsters, cursed suicide videos, random culture shamin’, kidnappin’, stabbin’s, house arrests for bogus charges, and scary stories from grandma! 3/5!

THE CULLING (2015)

A van full of young folk going to a concert find a lost little girl in a bumfuck town and drive her back home instead of dropping her off at the police station. Regrets are instantly had as the gang meets the girl’s devil dealing parents who’re raising a barn of evil children that have something to do with a shadow demon whose possession gives you a mild case of Parkinson’s. This is one of those flicks that felt like it had enough to offer but didn’t really capitalize on its boogies enough. Make the possessed people do some crazy shit, unleash the evil children on someone already, and either the screenwriter or the casting director needs a punch in the face, because the conversations among the characters just felt a little forced with no chemistry. 3/5!

CULT OF CHUCKY (2017)

Chucky’s back in more ways than one in what could be called his White Sequel and wants revenge on Nica, the last girl on wheels from the previous flick. Committed to a loony bin for the slaughter of her family, Nica’s almost convinced Chucky’s not real until multiple Good Guy dolls start showin’ up in her cuckoo’s nest, each possessed by serial killer Charles Lee Ray thanks to a new voodoo spell he found. While Curse of Chucky returned our favorite foul mouth slasher to his original Child’s Play roots with folks tryin’ to solve the mystery of a homicidal plaything, this sequel brings the scares and humor back to where the series was in part two and three which I think is the perfect balance for the character. Chucky’s front and center again without overshadowin’ his co-stars who successfully hold their own as entertainin’ characters, the gore’s satisfyin’, the doll effects are some of the best in the series, and past storylines are revisited while Chuck’s own story has cool new developments. Multiple personality disorders, possessions, gory gun smugglin’, mother complexes, bloody breast feedin’s, hypnotic foot fetishes, crazy cripple bangin’, head smashin’, stabbin’s, drillin’s, tortured heads, bitin’, bloody messages, silly decapitations, voodoo spells, Andy Barclay returns, and Tiffany returns in flesh and plastic! 4/5!

CULT OF THE COBRA (1955)

Some U.S. Air Force boys are snuck into seeing a ceremony overseas where snakes are turned into a women, but couldn’t listen when they said no flash photography! Cursed for trespassing on the cult’s favorite pastime, the men race back to the states and are taken out one by one by the same deadly snake woman they were so eager to see. There is a weird snake woman seen in a very memorable dog and pony act at the beginning of the film, but sadly the rest of the time it’s simply the actress and a rubber stunt cobra trading places when killing the men. Bummer. Sweet car crashes, love hungry cobras, Bachelorette decisions, and we learn a snake’s greatest weakness is an open window. 3/5!

CULTURE SHOCK (2019)

It’s the Mexican version of The Matrix as a heroic prego fights for illegal immigrants’ freedom from cultural rehabilitation within a weirdo doctor’s VR community that eerily resembles an Ol’ Navy commercial. This 4th of July “horror” is anythin’ but and easily divides a room into two factions: those wantin’ to praise the movie as a glarin’ metaphor for ‘merica’s hypocrisy as a meltin’ pot, and critics bitchin’ ’bout its lack of tension, ill-paced story, and confusin’ details behind the white wash science experiment that don’t add-up. Would have worked better as an Outer Limits episode. Strange boyfriend rape scenes, feedin’ tubes galore, Mexican cartel, human shootin’ practice, national border runnin’, stabbin’s, lab rat revolutionists, baby daddy murders, births, and Barbara Crampton proves Margot Robbie ain’t the only gal who can pull off crazy while lookin’ hot as hell at the same time! 3/5!

CUPID (2020)

A bullied teen summons a demonic Cupid on Valentine’s Day for payback on some mean girls at school but accidentally curses her teachers and classmates in the process. Now, she has ’til midnight to beat a 24 hours curse and save everyone from bein’ pumped with poison arrows. A lot like an episode of Supernatural without the Winchesters, this is a solid watch with a decent ‘nough cast, story, and effects, but tarnations, Cupid’s makeup looks awful save for his wings. Arrows to the eyes, sawed off arms with unconvincin’ reactions, fast spreadin’ infections, restroom stall murders, throttlin’ specters, love spells, long winded storybook expositions, and arrows through the face! 3/5!

THE CURSE (1987)

A hayseed step family believes God’s punishin’ ’em for their sins with poisoned crops and disfigurements, but Wil Wheaton knows it’s really got somethin’ to do with the crashed meteorite nearby nobody wants to talk ’bout. Based on The Colour Out of Space by Lovecraft, this ain’t the most excitin’ watch despite the escalatin’ craziness it packs in, ’cause it fails to develop Wil’s increasin’ desperation to save his family. Mainly ’cause he’s written ’em all off save his little sister and more or less sits tight ’til someone else saves the day. Disfigurin’ boils, hand sewin’, self mutilatin’, cow patty fightin’, pissed horses, feral dog attacks, disappointment cellars, DNA alterin’ water, sexual affairs, pig headed holy rollers, bug infested fruits, house traps, real estate plots, peckin’ mad chickens, explodin’ bug filled cows, mutant meltdowns, crumblin’ homes, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

CURSE 2: THE BITE (1989)

After a couple plow their truck through a sea of mutant snakes on a desert highway, one of ’em critters manages to hitch a ride and bite the driver, slowly transformin’ his arm into a monstrous hand puppet that turns him into an inside out snake farm. A sequel in name only, this body horror starts slow and steady with a young romance and comedic motorists keepin’ me awake, but the closer the flick gets to the end credits, the horror doesn’t just ramp up — it flies off the fuckin’ rails with craziness like I’ve never seen ‘fore! The best part is when the reveal of the deformed snake hand brings new meanin’ to an earlier scene with hot and heavy pettin’. Mutant snake bites, guilt ridden lawyers, snake-o-vision, offscreen mutant pooches, lady smackin’, bar brawls, CB trucker chatter, deep throatin’ fists, wrist snappin’, snake vomitin’, jaw rippin’, severed hands/heads, regeneratin’ limbs, venom spittin’, tongue whippin’, eye poppin’, severed tongues, monstrous body shreddin’ transformations, tunnel chases, mudhole rescues, and blow apart puppets! 4/5!

CURSE 3: BLOOD SACRIFICE (1991)

Another sequel in title only, a gang of civilized folks from the 1950s barge into an African hoodoo ritual to save a goat from bein’ sacrificed and incur the wrath of a machete wieldin’ fish man only a witchdoctor like Christopher Lee can save ’em from. The first “curse” movie to spin a story off the true definition of the word, this is a pretty straight played monster in the shadows movie that offers run of the mill entertainment that neither disappoints or excites me. The concept of the monster’s pretty ridiculous despite its sweet design, but it has too little screen time to be worth hecklin’. Make-out tent massacres with boobs, meat locker displays of death, boobs in the bathtub, flamin’ fields, magic bags, and pyro defenses! 3/5!

CURSE OF THE 49ER aka MINER’S MASSACRE (2002)

A gang of horn dog city slickers catch gold fever and invade an abandoned minin’ town where they find a buttload of gold belongin’ to a resurrected miner who’ll kill anyone who so much as looks at it. A movie that finally takes Scooby-Doo villains as serious threats, this supernatural slasher flick is better than your average killer in the woods disasterpiece, packed with plenty of B-movie ingredients that made ’80s horror films so much fun to watch. Severed arms, treasure quests, boobs, pick-axe arms, Jeepers Creepers lookin’ villains, decapitations, human matchsticks, flamin’ finales, shittin’ in the woods, impalements, flyin’ shovels to the neck, pick-axes to the gut, tourist trap justice, and a handful of recognizable actors from popular action/horror movies! 4/5!

CURSE OF BRIDGE HOLLOW (2022)

Marlon Wayans unknowingly moves his family to a holiday obsessed town and accidentally brings everyone’s Halloween decorations to life after he and his daughter unleash the vengeance seekin’ spirit of a legendary asshole the town lynched forever ago named Stingy Jack. A more epic version of Spirit Halloween on a Netflix budget, this by the numbers family flick boasts an impressive production from its lavishly decorated sets to its pleasin’ aesthetics, but unfortunately flops where it matters most — its characters. Capable actors are given decent ‘nough material to entertain me as a root worthy family confrontin’ the fantastic, but somethin’s off with their screen chemistry that makes poignant moments feel hollow and artificial, leavin’ me pretty indifferent to their supernatural plight. If ya can overlook that and the logic behind just how much the decorations are comin’ to life, it’s still a fun little watch. Skeleton football players, rubber bats, animatronic zombies, arm bitin’, 2D cats, rubber spiders of various sizes, cursed jack-o-lanterns, portals to hell, possessin’ galore, spell books, pumpkin mobiles, town square chaos, skeleton pranks, bad bakin’, pumpkin headed booga boos, and science nerd defenses! 3/5!

THE CURSE OF BUCKOUT ROAD (2017)

When a military upstart visits his grandpa, he somehow gets plagued by a complicated witch’s curse stemmin’ from the US of A’s most haunted road riddled with homicidal albinos and prego beaters. Using his dreams as some kinda time traveling mulligan tactic, he fights to save himself and his newest crush from bein’ sacrificed to Buckout Road’s nutty sleepwalkin’ rituals. This movie makes sense, but it doesn’t make sense if that makes sense. The biggest sour ’bout this flick is there’s no real tangible villain for the heroes to fight. There’s a mess of overlappin’ expositions ’bout angry witches, suicidal ghosts, and I assume devil worshippin’ lackies, but there’s never a definitive boss or sensible set of rules for ’em to fight to ultimately save their lives. It’s just this web of pseudo intellectual storytellin’ that eventually spirals into a frustrated viewer’s endin’ without ‘nough satisfyin’ answers. Suicidal sleepwalkin’, hangin’s, neck choppin’, fatal car crashes, Saw-like explanations, dirty cops, homage to ’70s slashers, stabbin’s, witches burned at the stake, off camera blowjobs, and psycho wards! 2/5!

THE CURSE OF HOBBES HOUSE (2020)

When two feudin’ half sisters meet-up for the readin’ of their dead aunt’s will, they learn of a confusin’ family curse that sics a small army of wannabe zombie lifesuckers on ’em who’re forced to rise from their crypts to protect the family estate from bein’ possessed by the bank. While this is a decently shot flick with an entertainin’ ‘nough cast of characters fightin’ for their lives, the story’s just too convoluted and confusin’. The long-winded family tree exposition’s waaay too detailed and set-ups the wrong impression fer what kind of world I’m preparin’ for, the endin’ makes no sense ‘less the sisters are goin’ to war with the bank who’ll bring the police to legally evict ’em, the service beyond the grave curse makes no sense ‘less I’m supposed to think every employee ever’s been buried on the grounds or makin’ their way to the property from wherever they’re takin’ their dirt nap, and hello — how can the filmmakers miss the opportunity to have the evil king who started this mess lead the graveyard charge? Impalement on antlers, semi-possessions, Darwin bankers, undead maulin’s, tandem bike escapes, bullet swallowin’, and possibly the worst escape plans EVER captured on celluloid as far as pickin’ wheels for a getaway! 2/5!

CURSE OF MARDI GRAS (2021)

In this home video lookin’ attempt at feature filmmakin’, out of town sorority girls B-roll their way through Mardi Gras with the occasional stop for actin’ while onlookers gawk in the background and become targets for some kinda voodoo cult. More like a poor man’s version of Girls Gone Wild without all the gratuitous nudity, this barely registers as a horror with all the kidnappin’ and blood rituals packed in the last few minutes ‘fore everythin’ wraps up with a significantly low body count. Kudos to the filmmakers for tellin’ a coherent story on a non-existent budget, but they really needed to deliver more on the expectation for a voodoo horror set on Fat Tuesday in New Orleans. Fightin’ mad frats, conveniently camera rigged voodoo dolls, side boob flashin’, undressin’ from behind, kidnapin’, roofies, pissin’ time POVs, secret societies, undercover cops, lotta messy blood doodling on girls in the buff with chicken feet, voodoo jam sessions, shopliftin’, psychic readin’s, and crypt map quests! 2/5!

CURSE OF THE FACELESS MAN (1958)

In this poor man’s mummy movie, an ancient Pompeii gladiator encased in an impenetrable hide is dug up from his radioactive grave and slowly wrecks the lives of museum employees while shufflin’ after one fella’s wife he thinks is his old crush. A respectable little film, this black and white oldie has decent actin’ and impressive theories behind the crusty body stockin’s origins, but does have some laughable moments with its anti-climatic endin’ and the main guy actin’ all kinds of shock there’s actually a person under that statuesque physique. Slow-mo action with exaggerated fatalities, hypnotic confessions, overconfident gunmen, battered guards, Egyptian explanations, reincarnated crushes, catatonic flashbacks, murder on wheels, monsters carryin’ girls, door smashin’, and lessons that show sometimes the hero just has to wait for the bad guy to dissolve in the ocean to rescue the girl! 3/5!

THE CURSE OF THE KOMODO (2004)

The US government orders a remote island lab be shut down after experiments turn the place into a sad man’s Jurassic Park with a big ass komodo dragon runnin’ ’round, but murderous thieves crash land in the middle of it and start a countdown for napalm extinction. Nicely shot with some impressive CGI effects, this respectable creature feature is fast paced and better than most TV monster movies, but does have some laughable castin’ with actors who can’t quite gel as their characters call for . The real sour I gotta grill it for, however, is the whole robbers on the run thang, ’cause they’re more of an ‘cuse to raise the body count than escalate the threats in the story. Poisonous monster spit, arm bitin’, out of nowhere zombies, lotta hard nipples, skinny dippin’ with huge tan lines, air strikes, monstrous chases, lotta ineffective shootin’, electric forcefields, folks eaten whole by CG komodos, helicopter crashes, bullets to the chest, robberies, explosive meals, and Buck Flower plays somethin’ other than a bum or hick! 3/5!

CURVE (2015)

Ever wanted to watch a scary movie about a hot girl stuck upside down in a vehicle she flipped on a mountain road? What could be worse, right? How about watching the hot girl have to hang there for nearly the whole movie, eat dirty rats, and drink her own piss while being threatened by a barely present villain taunting her the whole time? This is a well shot film with respectable acitng, but you have to sit through a lot of bullshit and golden showers for what I consider a weak payoff. 2/5!

CUTTING ROOM! (2005)

A no budget director snaps when her artistic vision for an independent horror film is at risk for a soulless Hollywood makeover and slaughters her cast and crew. A humorous Z-grade flick that goes back and forth from lookin’ home made to a step above that, its story’s interestin’ enough, and the kills are cool, but things like editin’, lightin’, and sound quality are too distractin’ to be forgivable. Topless women masturbatin’ to Oscar fantasies, Trent Haaga folds in half and gets mowed over, stabbin’s, impalements, lucky dweebs between the sheets, close encounters with lesbos, and Lloyd Kaufman plays his greatest enemy. 2/5!

CYCLONE (1987)

After punks put Dr. Jeffrey Combs out of his misery on the dance floor, he leaves his biker tough girlfriend a video diary instructin’ her to deliver his tricked out version of the Delta Force bike to trustworthy officials who won’t exploit the war machine on wheels for . . . well . . . war. Excited to see a sci-fi cheapie from the ’80s with Fred Olen Ray directin’ Heather Thomas in tight-ass jeans, I’m actually surprised at how anti-climatic and awkward this flick is. The talents have all proven themselves to be entertainin’ in other films, so I blame the writin’ and editin’ for all the dumbed dialogue, lack of motorcycle action, and embarrassin’ Combs with some of the silliest scenes of dancin’ and romancin’ EVER caught on celluloid. Laser blastin’ helmets, rocket firin’ attacks, human matchsticks, car crashes, explosions, demolition station wagons, punk clubs, parkin’ lot violence, one of a kind bike parts for $20, electric rays, jumper cable torture, bimbo workouts, background boobs, secret labs, ice picks to the heads, random cat call assailants, the world’s answer to limitless energy in the hands of a dumb blonde, goofball cops, and a needless ridin’ montage that makes “No Easy Way Out” from Rocky IV look like high art! 2/5!