B – R-Rated Reviews | Screaming Soup!

B – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

BA’AL (2008)

While globetrottin’ archaeologists are busy stoppin’ a geezer from cheatin’ death by resurrectin’ a thunder god named Ba’al, the US military’s weather department’s got its own movie goin’ on with scientists debatin’ whether or not to nuke the destructive storms caused by the supernatural quest. This ain’t that bad of a watch for Syfy flick, but it could be so much better. Mainly because its competin’ stories never intersect ‘nough, the more interestin’ actors are never in the same scene together, and the titular big bad is barely present as an abstract face in the clouds. Careless excavations, medallion collectin’, CG energy beams, “London Bridge is blowin’ away, blowin’ away,” sky dustin’, jet rides, impalement, godly resurrections, and security guards ironically bein’ the only reason a museum heist even happens! 2/5!

BABY OOPSIE (2021)

A doll lovin’ web show host with alotta pent up rage is sent a Baby Oopsie from the Demonic Toys series in the mail, and once she restores the demon in disguise, she’s a little too eager to sic the homicidal hunk of plastic on her everyday bullies. A loose spin-off that could very well be featurin’ one of the Baby Oopsie clones mass produced in Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys given its gender swap, this first flick from the Full Moon Manor features crisp camerawork, effective pops of Tarantino gore, and a non-stereotypical cast that keep me on my tippy toes for what to expect from any of ’em. Only sours worth mentionin’ is the music being more distracting than complimentary in the first half of the movie, and I feel like the doll lover’s friendship with her tenant was underutilized for some meaningful character development. Mini chainsaw violence, devil doll worshippin’, pee-pot action, mulligan daydreamin’, stranglin’, projectile face-meltin’ vomit, rub-a-dub deaths with a microwave oven, side boobs, severed noses, body hackin’, desk jockey terminations, lotta lotta Full Moon Easter eggs, and more baby doll enthusiasts than anyone would ever suspect! 3/5!

THE BABYSITTER (2017)

When Cole stays up past his bedtime to spy on his crazy hot babysitter, he finds her and her friends in the middle of a human sacrifice for a wishin’ ritual that needs his innocent young’n blood to complete. An overall fun movie with some memorable graphic kills and a hero worth rootin’ for, the only thing I hate about this is how we don’t learn jack shit about the babysitter who’s arguably one of horror’s best femme fatales. How many times has she done the ritual, and what has she been wishin’ for everytime? Does she repeat the rituals with the same gang or how did they meet? Still a blast to watch without all these answers, but it would have made it 10x better for me! Crawlspace spiders, spin the bottle/truth or dare combos with girl on girl lip action, misfire boobs, impaled heads, fatal freefalls, treehouse hangin’s, blood geysers to the face, death by fireworks, brain blood fountain drinks, black magic rituals, spell books, and hit and sit auto accidents in the home! 4/5!

THE BABYSITTER: KILLER QUEEN (2020)

Bee’s circle jerk of satan worshippin’ yahoos are back from hell thanks to some surprise allies, and they continue their hunt for Cole whose virgin sacrifice will mean their return topside with perks. Every bit as fun as the original minus Samara Weaving’s crowd winnin’ charisma (’til the last second that is), this is a terrific follow-up that maybe hits one too many of the same beats as ‘fore, but through and through entertainment none the less. The only hint of a sour I feel compelled to let slide is the twist at the end I had trouble comprehendin’ ’cause it comes off a little half hazard with its details which kinda retcons stuff in the last flick. Hangin’ decapitations, satanic resurrections, offscreen sex scenes, car wrecks, dooby swappin’ dads, crazy pills, boathookin’ deaths, satanic sacrifices, closet make-out sessions, sunrise deadlines, surfboard decapitations, semi-human roadkill, human silly string matchsticks, propeller mincemeat, combustin’ dealbreakers, golden showers, undead meltdowns, kidnappin’s, botched rituals, and carjackin’s! 4/5!

BABYSITTER WANTED (2008)

Nothing’s what it seems when an innocent college freshman accepts a babysittin’ gig in farm country and unexpectedly fights for her life against holy rollin’ stalkers and gore-met butchers! This is a surprisingly entertainin’ film with a strong last girl, killers with personality, and a nice pace of twists and turns that keeps the story kickin’ to the very last reel. Meaty treats, good girl slaughterhouses, hooks through ankles, head bashin’, stabbin’, gunshots to the face galore, home invasions, creeper calls, cosplay disguises, young’n piñatas, and Bill Moseley plays the hero sheriff! 4/5!

BAD CANDY (2021)

A mess of a Halloween decked anthology, this flick’s either ’bout a radio DJ spittin’ a buncha erratic stories over the airwaves by request or a little mutant’s killer clown drawin’ come to life who tears through a buncha loosely connected shorts full of horn dogs and killers. With reasonable actin’, decent ‘nough ideas, and impressive cinematography, the flaw that completely ruins this holiday horror is its editin’. The story’s framework is never clearly defined, set-ups are an endangered practice leavin’ stories vacant of any explanation or substance worth carin’ ’bout, everything’s jump cutty at best, and the uneventful twist with the DJs at the end don’t make a lick of sense. Best part of the movie where things finally start comin’ together for one fleetin’ moment is when some vigilantes round up a buncha panicked yahoos for their blood thirsty buddy to hunt. Acid trippin’ necrophilia, high flyin’ monsters, victims who explode like crash dummies when struck, splat fairies, imaginary critters, young’ns turned into collectables, razor blade stuffed candy, jack-o-lantern bashin’, smooshy sounds galore, gas station hookers, doodles come to life, tree house clubs, human roadkill with utter indifference, decapitations, life suckin’ ghosts, house fires, time travelin’ echoes, impalement, head crushin’ and slicin’, home invasions, and attempted rapes! 2/5!

BAD DREAMS (1988)

A girl falls into a coma after her suicide cult blows themselves up in a house fire to end all house fires and wakes up 13 years later in a mental hospital. The police want answers, but she’s too distracted by what she believes is the ghost of her cult leader hauntin’ her to complete their pact while he kills patients in grotesque fashion. An unfortunately forgotten flick, this movie looks great, delivers some surreal gore, makes perfect use of a couple of rockin’ tunes, and boasts a sweet cast of horror alum from the ’80s, but the story, as interestin’ as it is, loses its luster by the last reel when all its supernatural elements are swapped out for a gaslightin’ scheme I only half followed. Impaled hands, one loon wreckin’ crew, acidic cleaner cocktails, fatal freefalls with head splatter, visions of vehicular slaughter, self stabbin’s, human matchsticks galore, one dangly ear make-up, group therapy sessions, pool drownin’s, explosions, and seniors fallin’ into turbines with 10x their body entrails spillin’ out through the air ducts! 3/5!

BAD GIRLS FROM MARS (1991)

The troubled production of a low-fi skin flick ‘comes an indifferent rotatin’ door of death as a masked slasher keeps offin’ its leadin’ ladies, but the producers remain optimistic and cast a high profile bimbo to hopefully complete their picture. I’ve come to enjoy any movie directed by Fred Olen Ray, but this was a painful reminder how hard comedy can be. More Playboy humor than who-dunnit horror, the jokes are a toss up ‘tween cringe and chuckle worthy, and I found myself more interested in huntin’ fer Easter eggs from Ray’s other films like the recycled costume from Alientator. Drive-by wardrobe change with boobs, stranglin’ with celluloid, decapitatin’, liquor store stick-ups, wet tops, softcore hanky panky, awkward garbage turn ons, topless skinny dippin’, and Brinke Stevens as a gender swappin’ psycho! 2/5!

THE BALLAD OF SKINLESS PETE aka SKINLESS (2013)

An ego-trippin’ doctor injects himself with an experimental serum concocted from a flesh eatin’ parasite to cure his cancer, but he gets more than he bargains fer as he’s transformed into a skinless acid vomitin’ freak with a taste fer carcasses and decides now’s a good a time as any to act on his lust fer his reluctant lab partner. An impressively ambitious indie that makes the best with what little it’s got on a shot on video budget, this all too familiar tale of mad science exploits its limitations to their fullest and manages to make a fairly memorable flick full of DIY gore and nudity with a monster who reminds me of Kevin Bacon’s Hollowman crossed with Jeff Goldblum’s Brundle Fly. I don’t know why everythin’ happens in one place as if the filmmakers were under house arrest or why they think it’s important fer me to see a woman full on piss in a bucket, but I’m willin’ to forgive these oddball decisions in light of what they accomplished. Full frontal bush, dongs in a literal bloodbath, face peelin’, puppet dissectin’, inside out dog puppets, head pummelin’, face meltin’, limb eatin’, whip action tongues, hand tearin’, romantic fast food dinners, full blown body meltdowns, kidnappin’, and mace hidden in vaginas! 3/5!

THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE (2019)

A TV studio uses terminators to play its most popular characters, the Banana Splits, and for no real reason at all, they go awry and tear their latest studio audience apart. It ain’t the most thoughtful plot, but there’s still ‘nough goin’ on in this Five Nights at Freddy’s wannabe to keep me thoroughly entertained with tolerable young’ns, surprisingly messy gore, and a well written mix of distinguishable characters fightin’ for their lives ‘gainst these Hanna-Barbera leftovers from the ’60s. The only sour I have to fault it for is not tyin’ the Banana Splits’ malfunction in with their sudden cancellation, but I guess a disgruntled inventor sickin’ his robots on an unsuspectin’ employer was too cliche for these filmmakers. Hand crushin’, hammered faces, human matchsticks, messy obstacle courses, limb rippin’, battlebot brawls, hit and runs, splattered roadkill, fatally deep throatin’ lolly pops, fatal magic tricks, TV audience massacres, kidnappin’s, bad programmin’, bungee nabbin’, head stabbin’s, and mental breakdowns! 4/5!

THE BAR (2017)

Bitchin’ Spanish folks in a coffee shop lookin’ bar are suddenly quarantined thanks to some killer disease and fight with each other ’til the few left standin’ escape through the sewers to fight for limited doses of an antidote they find. This is a sharp lookin’ flick with some good actin’ but don’t expect any zombies or gore. This is one of those one room kinda dramas with characters drivin’ the story from beginnin’ to end, speculatin’ they’re gonna die from a disease. Most memorable thing is desperate people bathin’ in olive oil to squeeze feet first through a narrow openin’ to the sewers which is one of the nastiest sets I’ve ever seen with people splashin’ through floatin’ turds and everything. But even soaked in piss and shit, actress Blanca Suárez makes for one hot sewer rat! 3/5!

BARBARELLA (1968)

A futuristic space babe with an unspecified set o’ skills is humorously tasked by the President of Earth to rescue one of his scientists capable of buildin’ a super weapon from a far out alien planet, but she’ll need all the help she can get from hopeless rebels and a blind angel to save the doc from the tyrannical hold of a mood slime worshippin’ queen. The epitome of a future filtered through the hippie ideals of the 1960s, this live action adaptation of a French funny book by the same name is trippy as all get out! Bustin’ at the seams with naughty creativity, this flick consistently keeps thangs interestin’ with ever changin’ scenarios through charmingly dated campy effects, a smorgasbord of cartoon characters, and sensual situations played fer laughs while a funkadelic soundtrack of erotic lounge music plays underneath it all. You gotta see this to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! Fatal pleasure machines, invisible keys and locks, killer parakeet torture chambers, flesh chompin’ dolls, evil young’ns, hairy brat hunters, lotta off screen love makin’, blue screen flyin’, ridiculous miniature special effects, terraformed prisoners, zero gravity stripteases, explosions, 4th dimensional death rays, labyrinth prisons, explodin’ sci-fi foot soldiers, transportation tubes, angels and bimbos dog fightin’ with flyin’ war crafts, sexual encounters of the minds, little bit o’ tasteful nudity but nothin’ gratuitous, kidnappin’, royal overthrows, and crucified angels! 4/5!

BARBARIAN (2022)

Somethin’ full of violent affection lurks beneath an Airbnb in a hellhole corner of Detroit, and two double booked strangers are trapped in its motherly care ’til their clueless host stumbles to their hopeful rescue. Similar to Castle Freak with pinches of director Eli Roth’s penchant for tragic heroics, this flick ain’t all that rewatchable or graced with the most memorable characters, but the filmmakers do an amazin’ job subverting my expectations every few minutes with fun twists and turns. Just when I think I know what’s gonna happen next, ‘nother layer of the storytellin’ onion is peeled back, pullin’ me deeper and deeper into what ends up bein’ one helluva dark and wacky plot full of compellin’ moments that have me hollerin’ at the screen. The most brilliant moment I have to applaud is the host’s greedy motivation fer explorin’ the creepy maze of a basement fer the sake of addin’ property value. Fuckin’ genius. Bottle feedin’, attempted breast feedin’, bitin’, eye gougin’, head rippin’, head smashin’, kidnappin’, bullet to the brainbasket suicides, snuff filmmakin’, dismissive authority figures, car wrecks, arm rippin’, severed arm beatin’, near fatal freefallin’, imbreedin’, and hobo saviors with all the exposition! 3/5!

BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES (2003)

A couple of lesbos have a spat after softcore scissorin’, leavin’ one of them wide open for a goth chick with fangs to swoop in and induct her into a BDSM coven of bloodsuckers. Luckily, the lesbos have a vampire huntin’ spoof named Muffy ready to save them from a 50 Shades of Gray life with plastic fangs, but will she be enough? This is more or less an incoherent Z-grade skin flick that admits to its Ed Wood aspirations but is decently shot and manages to deliver a complete story that makes sense . . . most the time. However, the actin’s shit, the girls are awkward, and all the lezzie/BDSM scenes will have you reelin’ like a fanger in sunlight. The most bafflin’ part is this flick’s creator, Mr. Creepo, lookin’ for his Uncle Ed Wood in a graveyard for help completin’ this disaster of a trash film. It’s confusin’ if it’s part of the storyline, but genius if it’s him servin’ as the movie’s horror host narrator which needs to be presented more clearly. Lezzies showerin’ with blood, vamp parties, hide and seek in a graveyard, peeping tom fangers, B-roll of curious extras, women in cages, floggin’, goth chicks galore, graveyard nappin’, vampire party fliers, and lessons in how vamps get dates! 2/5!

THE BARGE PEOPLE (2020)

A la-dee-da barge ride down the British canals turns into Texas Chainsaw Massacre when flesh eatin’ muties climb ‘board, and a handful of feudin’ couples gotta put aside their differences to survive the night. A lovin’ postcard to ’80s monster movies from the openin’ credit sequence to the score and practical special effects, this flick starts off well ‘nough with semi-interestin’ characters worth carin’ ’bout, but the story runs ahead of itself with an irregular pace as soon as water breathin’ inbreds from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer enter the picture, resultin’ in an erratic escalation of danger that fools me into thinkin’ the movie ends three different times! Well, least it looks amaze-balls! Toxic dumpin’ backstories, face and neck bitin’ galore, butcher knife swingin’ on a chain, home invasions on top o’ home invasions, barge feuds, spiked drinks on the house, social butterfly scientists, severed fingers, Hellraiser nods, stabbin’s galore, muties bleedin’ like punctured water beds full of milk, hackin’ galore, untrustworthy yokels, missin’ dogs, and barge massacres! 3/5!

THE BARN (2016)

It’s 1989, and a small town gang of Halloween lovin’ teens accidentally call forth three demons from a cursed barn where the devil waits to feast on harvested flesh. I’m here to tell ya the horror community’s hype over this movie is legit! Its nostalgic filmmakers successfully produce a true tribute to scary VHS flicks from the ’80s, givin’ us well cast characters, a fully developed script, a touch of boobs, a rockin’ soundtrack, and three sequel worthy villains (The Boogeyman, Hollow Jack, and the Candy Corn Scarecrow) bringin’ the gore! Well . . . a modest amount of gore that leaves me wishin’ they went more nuts, but better than none at all. Only real complaint I have is the film’s spastic editin’ and inconsistent camerawork of pans and claustrophobic close-ups that’s a toss up between an exercise in bad movie parody or signs of amateur filmmakin’. Head crushin’, eye gougin’, concert massacres, decapitations, stabbin’s, disembowelin’, ghost stories, slashed young’ns, jack-o-lantern security systems, boob doubles, skatin’ rinks, trick or church food drives, livin’ vines, severed arms, demons, cults, tunnels to hell, Satan, bloody remains, demonic hit and runs, gardeners from hell, campfire stories, 3D drive-ins, hollowed out teens, and super brief cameos by Linnea Quigley and Ari “First Jason” Lehman! 4/5!

BASKIN (2015)

Animal fucking policemen in Turkey fall into kind of an Inception headtrip after an auto accident and journey through a nightmare of hellish freaks waiting to induct them into their madness. Beautifully shot film but there’s barely anyone to like much less root for, and it’s one of those head scratching kind of backward ass stories you’ve got to be quick to keep up with and piece together yourself. Police brutality, eye gouging, real life Big Ass Baby man, disembowelment, instant births, critter roleplay hazing, neck keys, throat slitting, head bashing, and hit and runs. 2/5!

BAT OUTTA HELL aka LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL aka NOWHERE ELSE (2013)

In this horror from down under, a clueless film crew is manipulated into drivin’ through a one shack outback town called Nowhere Else so they’ll cluelessly attract a giant face stealin’ bat creature their newest client wants captured. Your basic tag you’re dead runaround without a lot of story, this is a pretty decent watch, but I really wish the CGI creature was more convincin’ than a Windows screensaver. The sweetest part is veteran action star Vernon Wells playin’ a monster huntin’ innkeeper who deserves waaay more screen time than he gets. Stock footage surfin’, splattered critters, Ozzie stews, peepin’ toms, face stealin’, tunnel chases, monster hidey holes, dead kangaroo bait, and don’t come knockin’ if the trailers rockin’! 3/5!

BATES MOTEL (1987)

This 5th and final lesser known installment to the Psycho series ends a successful run of horror movies like a Scooby-Doo/Hallmark Mystery crossover. In this made for TV flopluster, Norman Bates kicks the bucket and leaves his infamous motel to a rubber room buddy of his from the nuthouse. Finding his purpose in life, the awkward loon braves ghosts from Norman’s dark past as he struggles to re-open the motel in his friend’s memory. Squatters with no benefits, ill-fitting music scores, giant chickens, 0 deaths, the ghost of Jason Bateman hooking up with a milf, skeletons, Scooby unmaskings, and a side story with a motel guest that has NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie, suggesting this was trying to make Bates Motel into the next Twilight Zone! 3/5!

BATTLETRUCK (1982)

In an apocalyptic settin’ that could very well be sharin’ real estate with The Road Warrior, a militant band of marauders cruise the wastelands in a souped-up semi fer a mobile headquarters and meet their match when their leader’s daughter defects into the arms of a community’s fearless dirt biker. A decent Mad Max wannabe overall, this has ‘nough fender bender action to keep me interested in seein’ its toyetic foes battle it out on the back roads of New Zealand, but lacks any interestin’ character arc to really pull me into the heart of the story. One of the best moments is when the hero trades his dirt bike fer an armed stunt buggy and tears through the bad guys’ camp like a gimmicky RC toy commercial! Crossbows to the shoulder, malformed hands, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’, beatdown initiations, tolerance testin’ helicopter shots, village massacres, explosions, fatal freefallin’ wrecks, and bazooka action! 3/5!

BAY COVE (1987)

A former Nancy Drew and her husband pull a Green Acres and leave their easy-goin’ city life for a fresh start with a little island community that’s secretly a coven of immortal witches who either wanna bring ’em into their shenanigans or sacrifice ’em to the devil to stay young. I’m really not sure which, and that’s thanks to a lot of convoluted half-ass details behind the satanic ritual everythin’s buildin’ up to with confusin’ possessions, supernatural deal breakers, and behind the scenes manipulation. But despite that one major sour note, the rest of this made for TV flick ain’t half bad and even surprises me a couple of times with some explosive moments. Instant tombstones, sailor boys flyin’ on bikes that are way too small for ’em, witchy little girls, baseball card burnin’, underground tunnels, phone calls from the dead, convenient store dungeons, witchy torture devices, demonic bolts of lightnin’, explodin’ churches, rubadub dub love makin’, vanishin’ dogs, ol’ coots in the attic with all the secrets, quiltin’, and Woody Harrelson blows up in a flyin’ jeep! 3/5!

B.C. BUTCHER (2016)

After a tribe of prehistoric women execute one of their own for treachery, the dead cave babe’s ghost gets her revenge by seducin’ a disfigured brute to kill them. Directed by a 17-year old girl, this 51 minute flick distributed by Troma ain’t too bad. It’s got its bad actin’, unrealistic make-up, and Flintstones inspired wardrobe, but it’s still a fun cartoony kind of film with surprisin’ moments of gore, entertainin’ characters, and a lively soundtrack. Stabbin’s, gut churnin’ meals, head bashin’, watermelon bands, fatal freefalls, prehistoric affairs of the heart, magic tears, ghosts, pun jokes, and eye-poppin’ effects! 3/5!

BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND (1993)

Three space alien hotties are shipwrecked on a California beach and enter a bikini contest to help their new boyfriends save Uncle Joe Esteves’ bachelor pad. With storytellin’ and beach bunnies at their barest, this erotically tanned Full Moon flick with every famous person’s relative is a perfect example of no story gettin’ in the way of a plot. Only gripe I got watchin’ this flick is its beach party scenes runnin’ waaay longer than they should with the same mind numbin’ tune on an endless loop! Spaceships, boobs, bikini contests, tannin’, volley ball, sunny beaches, fantasy sex scenes, boobs in the shower, alien hook-ups, Linnea Quigley perfectly plays the villainous, and this flick’s star power includes Patrick Swayze’s brother, John Travolta’s brother, Sylvester Stallone’s mom, Charlie Sheen’s uncle, Adam West’s boy wonder! 3/5!

THE BEACH HOUSE (2020)

While two couples play nice after unexpectedly findin’ themselves sharin’ the same beach house for their getaways, some geological event’s happenin’ offshore that’s either turnin’ ’em into the crawlin’ dead or a breedin’ ground for monstrous oyster boogers. This flick . . . putrid polecats. The actors are capable, the camerawork’s sharp, the effects are great, the idea’s fine, but this sucker moves at a snail’s pace with frustratingly underdeveloped characters, halfhearted tension, and an environmental threat that’s terribly undersold. Snoozefest. Girls on the can, steppin’ in jelly shellfish from who knows where, emergency foot surgery for removin’ flesh squirmin’ worms, lotta money shot pukin’, hilarious bashin’ with an air tank, rotten egg fog, pot brownies, long walks to a watery grave, and car wrecks! 2/5!

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2016)

After an hour of rough lookin’ ladies helpin’ a milf hide from her psycho ex-husband at a beach house, the last 30 minutes of this flick finally has some semblance of a horror movie when a trespassin’ couple forces everyone to play a game at gunpoint that pits them ‘gainst their most primal fears. More Ruin My Lifetime than horror, the filmmakers have all the elements they need for a decent flick but completely drop the ball with ramblin’ hot tub scenes with non-stop dissolves, fun and interestin’ characters bein’ more or less ignored like the ambitious filmmakin’ sister, story twists that feel like they were randomly drawn out of a hat to help finish the script, and the most unforgivable sin – buildin’ up to this highly anticipated throwdown ‘tween the psycho ex-husband and the home invaders, just to end in a few lackluster seconds. Well, at least the movie looks pretty. Offscreen rape, live burials, stabbin’s, geezer beatin’, near drownin’s, lotta unflatterin’ bikinis, horror filmmakin’, throat slittin’, backstabbin’, wife beatin’, and Joe Bob Briggs’ mail girl Diana Prince gets topless long ‘nough ‘fore bein’ removed from the picture without the perk of an actual death scene! 2/5!

BEACON POINT (2016)

A woman signs up for a hike in the Appalachians, but her disgruntled guide decides to take their group through ancient Indian grounds where they get lost and encounter secret agent e.t.s of the mind wipin’ kind. I expected this outdoors thriller to be another mediocre throwaway for a rainy afternoon, but was pleasantly surprised at how well it’s made. The characters ain’t borin’, the story keeps you hooked, the cinematography looks beautiful, and the music is top shelf. I just wish there was more of a resolution at the end or at least have the survivors fully acknowledge beyond the shadow of a doubt they’re dealin’ with aliens. Eye spies, e.t. bead tech, gratuitous scenic mountains, boonies booby traps, bashed heads, spaceships, thievin’ e.t.s, and kidnappin’ e.t.s! 4/5!

BEAST BENEATH (2011)

A campfire tale I thought was just exposition for the monster runs into overtime and dominates this family friendly flick with a young couple searchin’ a park for one of their ancestor’s cursed treasures that’s protected by a guy wearin’ a demonic dog suit. An overall easy watch by competent filmmakers, this flick’s narrative structure needs to streamline its characters and timelines to justify the need for the seemingly detached openin’ acts and to make any sense why the demon dog’s still attackin’ folks when there’s no treasure to protect anymore. And while this movie has its fair share of special effects deaths, I don’t think the main characters are ever in ‘nough jeopardy to create any tension which is pretty lame. Really should have featured more of Homeless George and his charmin’ pirate schtick which is easily the best part. Monster suit maulin’, campsite massacres, slashed throats and faces, 19th century cave ghosts, treasure huntin’, some of the silliest will and testament forgeries committed to celluloid, annoyed librarians, greedy college professors, useless law officials, and pirate ship parties! 3/5!

THE BEAST WITHIN (1982)

This has to be one of the most convoluted plots for a revenge story I’ve ever watched, but here it goes: After a hick is caught in bed with another man’s wife, the furious husband chains the hick in a cellar and feeds him corpses ’til he escapes, rapes a woman, and exacts revenge on his tormenters 17 years later as an angry spirit reborn through his illegitimate son as a cicada monster. The plot’s interesting, the monster’s mean, and the effects are unforgettable (for one reason or another), but damn if anyone can follow the whole resurrection backstory their first viewing! Rebellious teens, domestic daddies, black magic, possessions, monster transformations, monster rapes, hickville cover-ups, monster bones, haunted cellars, swamps of death, assaults on police stations, instant baldies, and cock block dogs with body parts for chew toys! 4/5!

BEASTER DAY aka BEASTER BUNNY (2014)

A behemoth of a crippled ragdoll rabbit is turnin’ a town’s citizens into green screen effects and the only folks who can stop him are a failed artist and a pants stuffin’ dog catcher ‘fraid of loud noises. This cheap monstrosity of filmmakin’ is in a league of its own, Scream Freaks! The moviemakin’ gusto is there, but for some reason it’s not as charmin’ as it could be or even as funny as say a Troma film which is the closest thing to relate it to. It’s unique in its own twisted way and really can’t be held to any normal standard of criticism. The only thing I am willin’ to bash it for is workin’ the actual Easter holiday in like an afterthought and not followin’ up on the whole giant egg thing. Severed limbs galore, drone shots galore, boobs galore, missin’ sound effects, cheap hippie mayors who won’t give his cops guns, human soccer, impalement on Party City award props, blood gushin’, decapitations, full frontal, pig squealin’ fetish games with bacon on a string, some of the stupidest jokes ’bout tools killin’ people, and some of the easiest monster kills ever captured on celluloid! 3/5!

THE BEASTMASTER (1982)

After his adopted village is destroyed by a roamin’ band of savages, Dar sets out fer revenge with the power to communicate with critters willin’ to help him and is quickly sidetracked with a quest fer poontang as he attempts to rescue his kissin’ cousin from a divination obsessed tyrant coincidentally responsible fer his royal estrangement. Surprisingly directed by the creator of the Phantasm series, Don Coscarelli, this epic sword and sorcery adventure is a little longwinded with extensive backstories and meanderin’ plots, but offers ‘nough action and zanny characters to forgive it. Unless yer an animal lover, of course. Ya probably won’t shed a tear over darin’ scenes of cryin’ toddlers hurled into holy bonfires, but filmmakers be damned if ya have to see a dramatization of a dog and ferret’s death or a tiger forced to play a panther in black face. At least ya get to see Tanya Roberts topless. Bear attacks, sacrificial ferrets, dead dogs, hawk-o-vision, mutant earwigs, feral henchmen, fatal freefalls, fortress infiltrations, kingly rescues, fugly hags with amazin’ bods, sword stabbin’s, fancy throwin’ weapons, waterhole skinny dippin’ with boobs, arrows to the chest, human and inhuman matchsticks, Jedi nods, folks sucked to goo, bat mutants, flamin’ moats, random suicidal hangin’s, slave girl rescues, magic spy rings, fortune tellin’ cauldrons, thievin’ ferrets, quicksand rescues, ferret babies, unbelievably strong hawks, and throat slittin’! 3/5!

BEDEVILED (2016)

In what can be described as The Ring meets Her, a cursed app named Mr. Bedevil tricks its way onto folks’ cell phones and scares high schoolers to death with their greatest fears brought to life. Beautifully shot with an attractive cast and a sequel-worthy villain that’s a blend between Freddy Krueger and the Joker, this flick borrows elements from popular ’80s horror but breaks new ground as a terror-ific exploit of today’s technology. Only thing I hate is how anti-climatic the endin’ is and how relevant characters seem to disappear from the story. Doomed well women, fear of white people, gnarly teddy bears, clown invasion, crawlin’ attackers, heart attacks, supernatural brandin’! 4/5!

THE BEES (1978)

When mankind’s greed for honey unleashes a new intelligent species of killer bees on America, beekeepin’ scientists, John Saxon and John Carradine, are solely tasked with killin’ the fatal stingin’ buggers before they organize a rally for a seat at the United Nations. This environmental horror is simply ridiculous for the funniest reasons. Widows quickly get over their dead husbands at the sight of Saxon, Carradine can’t do a German accent to save his life, the scientists’ race to beat the bees lacks tension and doesn’t match the bees’ steady escalation of danger, and when Saxon and Carradine can’t destroy the bees with gay chemicals, they decide to join ’em as diplomats promotin’ man’s co-existence with the new dominant species. You just gotta see it to disbelieve it! Honey thieves, botched bee smugglin’, stock footage aircraft crashes, gunshots in the back, stock footage army attacks, weird incest kind-of moments, plans for turnin’ bees gay, interspecies negotiations, and artificial bees! 3/5!

BEFORE I WAKE (2016)

Thomas Jane and Kate Bosworth unknowingly adopt a mutant young’n whose dreams manifest in the real world as a bunch of pretty pictures Thomas Kinkade would be jealous of, but there’s an nightmare beneath it all called the Cancker Man lookin’ to ruin the heart warmin’ experience. Beautifully shot with really strong actin’, this is a remarkable story that plays on many emotional levels while providin’ superbly fetchin’ special effects eye candy. I’m just not entirely sold on the endin’ and how Kate handles acceptin’ her family’s fate. Christmas lit butterflies, phantom young’ns, cocooned folks, creepy crawlies in and out of eye sockets, cancer patients, drowned young’ns, and monstrous hugs! 4/5!

BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT (2018)

A team of TV wannabe ghost hunters investigate a haunted house with a violent history they somehow overlook and are trapped by an phone prankin’ ball spirit that wants to crucify them to the walls. Brought to us by fuckin’ Gravitas fuckin’ Ventures, this is another example of their films that has a lot of promise but ends in frustratin’ disappointment. While the film looks decent, the premise is interestin’ enough, and the characters are well cast with distinctive actors, there’s too much of the same shit happenin’ again and again, the spirit randomly bringinin’ these folks to the house makes no sense, and you never even see the spook! This movie’s okay, overall, but has the potential to be sooo much better. Spooky dodge balls, EMF readin’s, folks flung through the air, chairs dragged ‘cross floors, prank slashin’s, severed hand in a van door gags, basement birthdays, and bleedin’ eyes! 2/5!

THE BEFORE TIME (2014)

In this unusual horror, a TV producer pitches a reality show that’s treasure huntin’ meets Battle of the Network Stars and takes two competin’ news crews to the desert to look for gold the Native Americans say is protected by head choppin’ booga boos. I give the filmmakers kudos for cookin’ up such a fresh idea of a story, but it’s more internal fightin’ ‘tween the crews over diva drama and gold fever paranoia than the supernatural scares I’m hopin’ for. Notable, but nothin’ too memorable. Bitchy field reporters, hell mouths, peyote trippin’, skinwalkin’ wolves, medicine men, metal detectin’, gold huntin’, staged Cassandra figures, head poppin’ decapitations, and board room ambushes! 3/5!

BEHIND YOU (2020)

Two sisters are passed ‘long like hot potatoes after their mama dies and end up at their estranged aunt’s house where a jerky demon trapped in a mirror tries usin’ ’em to escape its supernatural bonds to wreak havoc on the world. Great sets and set-up for a tense little monster movie, but there’s barely anyone with a personality, the story feels like it ends more than once, and there’s a few details the filmmakers could delve into more. Like how did the evil end up in this house, why does the movie start with an evil mirror in the bathroom then put all the focus on a completely different evil mirror in the basement, why doesn’t the aunt just burn the house down or destroy the mirrors, how could the young’ns forget to mention a peanut allergy ‘fore diggin’ into a near fatal meal, and what exactly was the plan when the girls were ’bout to be let loose in the streets as orphans? Not bad by any means, but I’ve seen better mirror horrors. Demonically possessed little girls, lifelong debts of gratitude, mirror daggers, supernatural messages in blood on the walls and dusty ol’ mirrors, forbidden rooms, whisperin’ dolls, throat stabbin’, ripped out throats, murder cover-ups, young’ns with guns, siblin’ violence, folks yanked through the air, and a possible horror first – exorcisms by peanut butter! 3/5!

THE BEING (1983)

A small town debates its pollution problem while a one-eye burrowin’ puddle mutant tears through people like a bad case of the runs that bite! This is a fun monster flick full of humorous stiff actin’, gore-tastic kills, and one crazy lookin’ monster potato folk battle to the bitter end. Most notable for bein’ the first horror flick by Blood Diner director, Jackie Kong. Monsters oozin’ through dashboards, drive-in massacres, warehouse monster brawls, freezer traps, nutty dream sequences with Wizard of Oz nods, races against trains, mutants’ rattled mothers, decapitations, claws burtsin’ through chests, turd monsters attackin’ boobs on the silver screen, ass first into monster boogers, and guys ripped to shreds! 4/5!

BELKO EXPERIMENT (2016)

It’s Office Space meets Battle Royale as employees of a government building in South America are trapped and ordered to kill each other or have their heads blown up via remote. The gore’s good, unexpected characters are left standin’ by the end, the segregation of survivors vs victims is believable, and the best character is the conflicted boss man played by Tony Goldwyn. I feel the flick’s pacin’ and stakes were surprisingly uneventful, however, which undermines the escalation of any tension. Not to mention I was constantly distracted by this unclear office romance between the hero and this one fussy chick that ultimately left me indifferent about their ambiguous relationship. Brain bombs, freezer hideouts, co-workers caught in the elevator, organized executions, stabbin’s, head bashin’, impalements, pep rally rescue signs, snipers, Big Brother cameras, secret experiments, lucky break endin’s, gunshots to the head, super metal structures, corncob people, pervy coworkers, Spanish tunes, Slither reunions, and Michael Rooker goes out early with the best death! 3/5!

BERKSHIRE COUNTY aka TORMENTED (2014)

After a high school gal’s cyber bullied for givin’ blow jobs as Red Ridin’ Hood, her Halloween takes an even worse turn when three pig masked killers make her earn her babysittin’ money the hard way with a night of Tom and Jerry runarounds and kidnappin’s. Effectively creepy moments, sharp camera work, and solid actin’, this horror’s better than most home invasion flicks, and that’s thanks to a steady escalation of surprisin’ reveals that successfully keeps you wantin’ to know more ’bout the killers. Stabbin’s, young’n on young’n violence, cosplay blowjobs off screen, babes in the shower with no boobs, throat slittin’, meat wagon kidnappin’s, switcheroos, hospital massacres, cop killin’s, car wrecks, 911 psyche outs, and trick or treaters! 4/5!

BERMUDA TENTACLES (2014)

The US President has sunk to the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle in an escape egg from Air Force One, and the Navy is called in full force to rescue him from the CGI e.t.s that inhabit its waters. From SyFy, the hit and miss king of TV’s original monster movies, this is definitely a hit for me. The tentacles look waaay too cartoony at times, but the story’s firm, the characters have enough personality, the sets are nicely designed, and there’s well thought out escalation of reveals and tension with plenty of that popcorn action I’ve come to expect from movies like this. Big-ass starfish lookin’ e.t.s, impalements, explodin’ soldiers, flyin’ e.t.s, battleship action, special ops yanked to a watery doom, deep sea divin’, plane explosions, helicopter action, naval mine lookin’ sentries, missions in the belly of the beast, e.t. stingers, Linda Hamilton is the captain now, and Jamie Kennedy plays the e.t. expert of the triangle! 3/5!

BERSERKER (1987)

Fun lovin’ teens are enjoyin’ their wilderness vacation, but as soon as one of them has to take a piss in the woods, they’re lost in an unnatural fog with a reincarnated man-bear Viking wiping strawberry jam all over their faces. A pretty descent movie with laughable characters and soundtrack, this doesn’t start to suck ass until we get to the slasher part of the movie when its more about aimless wandering and slightly confusing monster scenes. Big ass Ford truckin’, 4 wheel’n, underwear swimmin’, old farts arguing who’s memory is better, bangin’ in the moonlight, homoerotic moments, bear cheerleaders, rescue bears, airborne radios, blinding lights in the middle of nowhere, angry drunks, men wrestling live bears, and Buck Flower plays something other than a bum and has an ab double! 3/5!

BETTER WATCH OUT (2016)

When a psycho young’n makes his move on his favorite babysitter while his parents are away at a Christmas party, his demented affections escalate to kidnappin’ and murder that’s sure to put him on the naughty list. A dark little flick with surprise twists and turns, this sick brat keeps you on the edge of your seat just itchin’ to see him get his just desserts by the end. Stellar actin’, sharp cinematography, and full of Christmas spirit, but I don’t think this will be a Christmas horror classic per say since Christmas isn’t integral to the story or villain. Underage drinkin’, stabs in the face, baseball bats to the head, young’ns heads blown off, duct tape saves, manipulated idiots, foiled escapes, Home Alone paint can deaths, mower hangin’s, stabs in the neck, bricks to the head, and sicko twirps that need more than a spankin’! 4/5!

BEWARE! THE BLOB aka SON OF BLOB aka THE BLOB RETURNS (1972)

A clueless pipe layer comes back from the northern hemisphere with a sample of the originally defeated Blob, and the gelatinous threat thaws to resume its all consumin’ invasion of a new backwoods town of yahoos and stoners. This is a valiant effort at a semi-comedic sequel that attempts to repeat the successful beats of the Steve McQueen classic while thinkin’ up new ways for folks to be dissolved by space jelly, but it flops harder than stale jam thanks to its criminal lack of character development that leaves us with no one interestin’ to care ’bout. That said, watchin’ this TV-like movie feels more like an endurance test with one dimensional characters barely movin’ the movie from one scene to the next with any tension. Gotta give the filmmakers props for the Blob sequences, though, which uses more tricks than a seasoned street walker! Flies blobbed, kittens blobbed (off camera), dogs supposedly blobbed (off camera), barbershops blobbed, couch potatoes blobbed, gorilla suit wearin’ dune buggy drivers blobbed, bowlers blobbed, a peace pipe smokin’ Burgess Meredith blobbed, crippled priests blobbed, cops blobbed, bowlin’ alley massacres, sewer pipe singin’ hippies, Shriner streakin’, and A/C defenses! 2/5!

BEYOND DARKNESS aka Evil Dead 5 in Italy (1990)

A church dupes a pastor to move his family into a house that serves as a gate to hell, hopin’ he’ll know what to do when a gang of dead witches break through. Knockin’ off The Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, and The Exorcist at the same time is a tall order, but it makes for one enjoyable bad flick. The best part is all the overdramatic cues for every little thing that happens, makin’ you think the world is gonna end when somebody drops an everyday Bible in the mud. Only thing better are characters havin’ laughable reactions to things like the parents happily smilin’ durin’ a poltergeist rager like it’s an amusin’ nuisance. Gloryholes to the afterlife, drunk priests, big-ass black swan props, evil doppleganger young’ns, highways to hell, possessed young’ns, flyin’ snail speed cleavers, electrocuted hags, handsy witches, and exorcisms! 3/5!

BEYOND EVIL (1980)

John Saxon and Lynda Day George move into a haunted mansion ’cause it’s cheap but soon regret that decision when John has to beg a shaman to exorcise an angry spirit possessin’ his wife. A bit of a snooze, this flick has actors I wanna see, but just doesn’t deliver ‘nough action to keep me invested. A way better flick with the same kinda story worth seekin’ out is Mausoleum. Extensive backstories, poisoned foods, crushed arms, possessions, free falling devil statues, holy healin’ in a hut, fly apart car wrecks, construction site accidents, monstrous finger swellin’, black magic, fatal freefalls, ashes to ashes electrocutions, and green lights galore! 2/5!

BEYOND THE DOOR (1974)

For shits and giggles, the devil randomly burdens a housewife with a speedy pregnancy that’s demonically possessin’ her from the inside out and tasks an ol’ Satan worshippin’ ex of hers to ensure the bundle of terror’s birth or drop dead. A snooze of a spaghetti knock-off of The Exorcist, this possession flick has its moments from laughable nose flutists ambushin’ saps on the street to creepy confrontations that could very well have inspired scenes in the original Evil Dead but ultimately lacks a sense of danger given no one’s life is ever at stake (well, minus the Satanist). With no one in jeopardy of dyin’, this is just one long flick of the devil bein’ a dick! Invasive street performers, jerk music producers, head twistin’, narcoleptic floatin’, how not to follow straight jacket safety procedures, possibly possessed young’ns, evil invisible friends, animated toys, free flyin’ nick knacks, pea soup through a straw, upchuck galore, possessed voice changin’, disappearin’ doors, and one of the craziest scenes EVER captured on celluloid when the devil orders his lackey to rip the baby out of her flyin’ vagina with explosive bodily fluids! 3/5!

BEYOND THE DOOR 2 aka SHOCK (1977)

A horny housewife moves into her dead ex-husband’s digs with her new family, and her rugrat quickly becomes a supernatural conduit for pissed off forces wantin’ to remind her how her first marriage really ended. A sequel in name only by American distributors, this stand alone spaghetti horror in a haunted house manages to keep me hooked with its awkwardly growin’ tension ‘tween the mom and son and successfully throws in some perfectly timed jump scares with psych-out camera tricks like the boy runnin’ toward the camera to suddenly pop up into frame as the ghost at the last second. The filmmakers might’ve been less subtle about the ex-husband’s exotic exposition to explain all the booga boo action happenin’, but I was happily surprised at how they addressed all my criticisms over the characters’ questionable decisions by the end credits. Voodoo swings, bodies in the walls, pick axes to the chest, needle stickin’, floatin’ boxcutters, floatin’ furniture, suicidal cover-ups, throat slittin’, haunted tea parties, possessed young’ns, possess-o-vision, gnarly hands, drugged drinks, and pointless therapy sessions! 4/5!

BEYOND THE DOOR 3 (1989)

Another sequel in name only, a class field trip to observe a rare ritual in the backwoods of Europe flies off the rails as the duped students are chased onto a possessed train that does whatever the hell it wants ’til the devil claims one of ’em as his virgin betrothed. For an out of towner terror that’s as serious as they come, this sucker is flat out bonkers, and I love every ludicrous minute of it! Lotta runnin’ ’round without knowin’ what to expect next, root worthy characters gettin’ randomly picked off, and gore-tastic kills rangin’ from gruesome scene chewers to laughable transformations into splatter stunt dummies. I only wish the score was more thoughtful with a buncha eerily forebodin’ music that could’ve elevated the tension of the story. Car wrecks, impaled chests, folks cut in half, decapitations by train, off-road choo choos, off-road kills, human matchsticks, ghost bangin’, virgin rituals, fire suckin’ death traps, satanic birth marks, explodin’ locomotives, and psych-out endin’s! 4/5!

BEYOND THE GATES (2016)

Two Supernatural inspired brothers play a cursed board game on their VCR to save their father’s drunken VHS lovin’ soul from Barbara Crampton. Not as scary as Jumanji, I couldn’t help but feel shortchanged by this promising film, because I was simply expecting more. The VHS nostalgia’s great, the brothers are well written, the idea is phenomenal, but it’s an overall slow burn that lacks momentum, tension, climax, and a lot of monster mayhem I thought I was in for. The brothers stumble through most the game without understanding the stakes and things don’t start gettin’ real ’til the last 15-20 minutes. This is still a well made film worth checking out, just not what I expected. VHS stores, zombie/ghost killers, monster arms, supernatural passageways, voodoo dolls, yanked guts, exploding heads, Chevy Novas, possessions, key scavenger hunts, cursed antique stores, and stabbings! 3/5!

BEYOND THE WOODS (2018)

I can sum up this review in two words. Skip it. A gang of friends reunite for a getaway in the countryside, and after a little over an hour of snooze inducin’ drama over marriages and friendships bein’ torn apart by a threesome, some booga boo from a nearby sinkhole swoops in for a couple of lackluster scares. It’s a competently made flick, don’t get me wrong. It would just be better if it had more escalatin’ horror elements consistently woven through it. Offscreen threesomes, loopedy loops trails and roads, accidental stabbin’s, and backward actin’ reaper wannabes! 2/5!

BIG LEGEND (2018)

It’s the anniversary of a tragic campin’ trip that cost an Army Ranger his fiancee, and he returns to the woods as a one man action movie to kill the super ‘squatch responsible. A slick lookin’ cheapie of few poorly written words, this monster hunt’s a slow burn through and through, but manages to keep my attention with decent fight sequences and suspenseful camerawork. Not to mention awesome lookin’ ‘squatch make-up! Tree hurlin’, stone throwin’, rock stackin’, intimidatin’ knockin’, overuse of the word “chief,” deadpits, broken legs, fatal maulin’s, tent-nappin’, stabbin’s, shootin’s, ‘squatch size matchsticks, explosions, parked wrecks, DIY stitches, homages to Predator and Rambo: First Blood Pt. 2, and teasers for Dark Universe wannabe sequels! 3/5!

BIGFOOT (2012)

When a gaggle of ’70s TV stars fight over a disc jockey’s plans for hostin’ an ’80s themed Woodstock in their little town, they piss off their local Rampage-size Bigfoot whose answer to everythin’ is bitin’ heads off. For a Syfy flick, this is pretty damn entertainin’. There’s a fun nostalgic mix of celebs, the pacin’ and action never lag, and the fim’s colorin’ ain’t that saturated sadness most Syfy flicks can be characterized by. The best part is Bigfoot, which is a valiant effort at a special effect monster. Looks fake as hell and recycles a lot of the same actions like a video game sprite, but the filmmakers were clever enough to work around this limitation and has him doin’ some of the funniest shit. CG helicopter action, explosions, town folk squishin’ galore, head bitin’ galore, hippie hotties in chains, Alice Cooper vs Bigfoot, raft kickin’, showdowns on Mt. Rushmore, construction site chaos, concert chaos, Bigfoot in flames, and walkin’ TV history from The Brady Bunch, The Partridge Family, WKRP in Cincinnati, Twin Peaks, and Northern Exposure! 4/5!

BIGFOOT WARS (2014)

I’m guessin’ it’s big foot matin’ season in Boggy Creek, ’cause a small army of ‘squatches are nabbin’ every gal they can boink, includin’ the sheriff’s daughter which sends the small-town narrator on a suicide mission with the help of C. Thomas Howell at his most bad-ass. More battle than war, this small potatoes production has a fightin’ chance for bein’ memorable entertainment with its boob count, big foot costumes, and Howell playin’ his heart out as a one-man-killin’ machine, but the film and sound editin’ just turns all that effort to absolute shit. The editor must have been off his ADD medication, ’cause so many scenes feel rushed with action sequences lazily chopped together. Explosions, drive-in abductions, decapitations, boobs, big foot baby deaths offscreen, death on the john, camp-site massacres, side stories ’bout gang violence that never go anywhere, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid stand-offs, head crushin’, slashin’, and sledgehammer action! 2/5!

BIRD BOX (2018)

Kind of like a mash-up between A Quiet Place and The Happening, this doomsday flick stars Sandra Bullock fightin’ for her family’s survival ‘gainst invisible world invadin’ creatures whose stare, curiously enough, makes folks violently suicidal. Told mostly in flashback, Sandra blindly rows down a river in search of safety while rememberin’ everythin’ she lost to the epidemic the last five years. This is an incredibly well made Netflix movie that keeps me glued to the set, but much like The Walking Dead, the story’s obviously more ’bout the drama among the award winnin’ cast than answerin’ any burnin’ questions ’bout the monsters. Explosions, fatal freefalls, head bangin’, simultaneous births, machetes to the neck, mental ward henchmen, crazy eyes, fishin’ line strategies, bumpin’ uglies in the closet, human match sticks, evil winds, flashbacks galore, road rage, gunshots to the shoulder, vases over the head, and blind havens! 3/5!

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR (2008)

One of the worst movies that’s ever gained popularity for how bad it is, this horribly shot/acted/edited/written mess follows a blooming romance between a mouth breathing dimwit and a hot blonde who can act as a world epidemic of clip-art CG birds go full retard Hitchcock and cause chaos that’ll either make you laugh ’til your sides hurt or find happiness in a warm gun in your mouth. Not even Mystery Science Theater commentary can save this shit. 1/5!

BLACK CADILLAC (2003)

A Saab full of friends piss off the wrong Wisconsin locals and spend the rest of their night with a big ass Cadillac up their muffler for some snowy back roads payback. Well written with plenty of character driven drama to balance out the cat and mouse car-nage, this flick boasts an engagin’ cast, grippin’ action cuts, and brilliantly builds up its menacin’ ’57 Cadillac Fleetwood Series 75 Limousine as a force to be reckoned with. Bovine speed bumps, garage wreckin’ kidnappin’s, wreckless drivin’, bar brawls, backroom blowjobs, disfigured backstories, cliff-divin’ car stunts, backseat canoodlin’, blizzards, broken legs, and morbidly propped deer carcasses! 4/5!

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

After years locked in an asylum for eating his parents, Billy escapes for Christmas and heads back home with his inbred sister/daughter to violently evict a sorority of babes that’s moved in. If you hated how Billy was never explained in the original Black Christmas, then you’ll love how this remake gives him an entire origin story worthy of a Batman villain from his sickly yellow skin to his knack for climbing in walls like a squirrel. Hot babes, candy cane weapons, jerky cookies, plastic bag asphyxiations, heads impaled, asylum escapes, abusive mothers, incest rapes, eye gouging, Flowers in the Attic nods, obscene phone calls, gardening tool weapons, decapitations, deadly icicles, scalped heads, eyeball snacks, glass unicorns, driller killers, defibrillator defenses, gory tree toppers, crawlspace ambushes, and broken necks! 4/5!

BLACK FRANKENSTEIN aka BLACKENSTEIN (1973)

After a Vietnam soldier loses his limbs to a landmine, his fiancee signs him up fer Dr. Stein’s DNA experiments to replace ’em, but Stein’s jealous assistant sabotages the surgery in an effort to steal the vet’s wife-to-be and devolves him into a lumberin’ brute of a cannibal compelled to tear folks apart. A solid blaxploitation flick overall, this ain’t in the same league as Blacula, but is entertainin’ in its own right. I’m genuinely invested in Blackenstein’s continuous run of bad luck and there’s ‘nough story to ever keep thangs from bein’ borin’ with Stein’s other experimental patients and Blackenstein’s laughable mix of victims. Blackenstein himself could’ve been more of a personality, but no serious sours to speak of. Chest rippin’, stranglin’, bafflin’ tiger legs, needle injectin’, lotta pointless lightshow lab equipment, fountain of youth treatments, rapid agin’, straight jacket fits, murderous outtin’s, stand-up comedy acts, jazz concerts, maulin’ with boobs, attempted rape, and dismemberment by ferocious packs of dogs! 3/5!

BLACK FRIDAY (2021)

It’s Black Friday at the world’s saddest lookin’ big box toy store, and its disgruntled employees gotta come together to fight their way through a violent mob of gut hockin’ shoppers infected with some kinda e.t. germ turnin’ ’em all into wannabe creatures from The Thing. Though this decently made flick boasts a likeable cast of fan favorite actors battlin’ impressive special effects, it’s sadly underwhelmin’ thanks to its half-baked script. There needs to be a stronger centric hero or relationship to latch onto, the managers’ personalities should be bigger, more time should be spent on the misery of workin’ Black Fridays, and the employees need motives I can believe for why they throw down with the big bad from outer space at the end, ’cause yer regular Joe Schmoe ain’t stickin’ ’round fer somethin’ meant fer the National Guard to handle. Shopper slayin’, infectious meteorites, big ass monster suit actin’, mish mash monster makin’, germophobes, slingshot forklifts, explosions, gut spillin’ galore, and monstrous transformations! 3/5!

THE BLACK PHONE (2022)

Set in 1968, a suburban boogeyman known as The Grabber is yankin’ young’ns off the street fer demented games of whoop-ass in his dungeon of a basement, but his latest prisoner might stand a chance with the ghosts of past victims feedin’ him survival tips over a disconnected phone. A well made suspense flick full of memorable characters and solid actin’ by some spunky young talents, this is a satisfyin’ period scare with genuine root worthy moments. The only sours fer me is the supernatural hotline suckin’ alotta of the tension outta the story with its constant spoilers, the slightly confusin’ backstory to the Grabber’s abode bein’ his childhood home or not, and the awful chemistry ‘tween the young’n’s little psychic of a sister and their drunk dad that’s anythin’ but compellin’. Black balloon M.O.s, knock-out gas, school yard brawls galore, pinball rage, skin carvin’, rubber mask abductors, booger sugar action, booby traps, beat downs with phones, dream visions, axes to the brain basket, unharmed dogs, and stranglin’! 4/5!

BLACK PUMPKIN (2018)

Bloody Bobby returns from the dead to pick off the remainin’ survivors from his first killin’ spree and raises even more Halloween hell ‘gainst a buncha teens who’ve been treadin’ in his neck of the woods. A superior sequel to the confusingly re-released Blood Bobby (2016) aka The Legend of Fall Creek (2021), this boasts a unique ensemble of characters and a rockin’ soundtrack while strikin’ a firm balance ‘tween serious attempts at scares with subtle humor paced throughout. The edits are wonky, and there’s a couple of rough visual effects like scenes with superimposed black pumpkins lookin’ like they’re finger painted into the movie, but these are forgivable sours that far from detract this little known treat from bein’ added to everyone’s annual must-sees for Halloween. Holy rollin’ picketeers, student film projects, razor blade treats, stereotypical fat gags, bullies on wheels, van rockin’, axes to the head, backwood roadkill, lawnmowers to the face, Halloween light hogties, stabbin’s galore, hand slicin’, trick ‘r treatin’, bon fire hook-ups, and lotta eye candy in painted on panties! 4/5!

THE BLACK ROOM (2017)
Natasha Henstringe brings sexy back to horror as she and her husband move into their new house, unaware it has a sex hungry demon trapped in the basement. Before long, the demon escapes and possesses her husband to carry out erotic plans for growin’ its flesh pleasurin’ powers for dark purposes. Ridin’ a fine line between horror and comedy, this ain’t a softcore romp with a touch of special effects make-up but a gore-tastic mess of extreme sexual violence that makes this a very memorable flick. Would be better if Natasha showed us her full talents, but there’s always that trusty copy of Species for us to fall back on. Slimy encounters, demonic wall fuckin’, boob shrinkin’, orgasmic glassware, hopeful handyman deaths, perverted fog, tentacle porn, dark magic gatherin’s, burn victims, dryer humpin’, and monster dicks tearin’ through women from eradicated vaginas to their jaw shattered faces! 4/5!

BLACK ROSES (1988)

The teens of Mills Basin are pumped the hair metal band Black Roses has chosen to include their sleepy little town in their kick-off tour, but innocent fandom morphs into satanic panic as the group’s devilish frontman Damian possesses the impressionable youth to become demonic delinquents from hell with only their favorite English teacher standin’ ‘tween ’em and eternal damnation. Fist pumpin’ tunes, charmin’ special effects, and a handful of fun kills easily makes this one of my favorite heavy metal horrors of all time! The score’s comically out of place like it’s lifted from a lighthearted sitcom compared to the soundtrack’s harder hittin’ rock songs, the actin’ ain’t the best, and the monstrous fight coordinations are a joke, but all that’s easily forgiven by the filmmakers’ obvious effort to make this a head bangin’ good time with an imaginative story backed with thoughtful camerawork. Zombified audience members, fatal freefalls out window, strip gin rummy, heart attack inducin’ hard ons, off screen car explosions, throat slittin’, back overed mamas, offscreen bullets to the head, deceptive concerts, rock band monster make-ups, some of the silliest puppet monster fightin’ EVER captured on celluloid, sexual teacher/student tension, out of nowhere backstories with exes, obvious boob doubles, Lamborghini convoys, monstrous transformations, parkin’ lot brawls, possessions, possessed record players with bubblin’ discs, speaker critters from hell, monster suits, flamin’ beasts, and stakes to the chest! 5/5!

THE BLACK SCORPION (1957)

After an earthquake creates a new volcano in Mexico, giant subterranean scorpions escape to the surface and wreak stop-motion havoc on surroundin’ villages ’til only one supreme bug remains fer a buncha eggheads to squish. A bit of a black and white snooze ’til it breaks out the puppet action in all its googly eye glory with drool, the one sour I have with this sucker is how it feels like it ends more than once with its repetitive risin’ and fallin’ climaxes makin’ it feel like serial chapters edited together to be a feature. Regardless, the cast is likeable ‘nough to be root worthy, and there’s plenty of Pee-Wee lookin’ special effects to enjoy. Phone line massacres, stingers to the chests, chinny chin chin weaknesses, monstrous cave explorin’, beast on beast violence, village massacres, big-ass worms and spiders, cave-ins, electrified spear gun huntin’ with meat, and romancin’ ranchers! 3/5!

BLACK WATER (2007)

A gang of Aussies take a fishin’ detour in the swamps of the land down under and become stranded tree people when attacked by a mean ass crocodile they gotta escape. One of them single location survival flicks, the cast and editin’ sale the tension of this dino descendent hidin’ under muddy waters and poppin’ up for a screamin’ snack any second. My favorite scene is when the survivin’ tree huggers have to endure a thunderstorm while listenin’ to the croc chow down on their friends. Only thin’ I have to bitch about is there ain’t enough fuck my life moments to make things even more tense. Crocs vs boats, crocs chompin’ tourists, human left overs, free floatin’ ears, chewed up legs, sing songs ‘bout monkeys, severed arms for bait, and crocs vs guns! 3/5!

BLACK WATER: ABYSS (2020)

A thrill seekin’ gang of friends explore a hole in the jungle they find and end up trapped in a floodin’ underground cave with a big ass croc in the water. A sequel in theme only, this Aussie flick has the most realistic crocodile effects I’ve ever seen, not to mention some of the most brutal lookin’ kills. There’s plenty of what-would-I-do moments keepin’ me on the edge of my bar stool, lotta escalatin’ tension, all the action’s believable for the most part, and there’s even a bit of cheatin’ affair drama thrown in for some spice, but nothin’ as ruckus as say The Descent. The only thing that makes me shake my fists in the air is the last few minutes of escape when things take a ridiculous turn for the worse. Cancer survivor snacks, fatal freefalls, lost tourists, broken legs, lotta bite wounds to the abs, underwater attacks, blood filled water, torso floatin’ distractions, spastic offroad sinkin’, and guns versus crocs! 4/5!

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (2015)

A teenage girl allows herself to be possessed by a demon and decapitates everyone stuck at her boardin’ school over a holiday break. If that sounds too simple, the dickhead filmmakers go all Tarantino on the storyline and pepper in scenes of the same girl slashin’ her way back to the school 9 years later, hopin’ that same demon still wants to be besties. This film’s a burden to sit through, because its story structure is so fucked up. It leaves me with way more questions than answers, and most of them regardin’ the filmmakers’ understandin’ for how to tell a story. There’s confusion over which character’s story this is, the killer’s motivation is flat, the climax is non-existent . . . it’s like someone accidentally filmed their first thumbnail draft of the script instead of their final, realized they fucked up after it was too late, then tried pullin’ some editin’ bullshit to save it. Who’s the blackcoat? Where’s the killer’s parents? Was the killer already into Satan and demons? Why wouldn’t the dead girl’s parents recognize their daughter’s killer no matter how long it’s been? What’s with the killer’s dream in the beginnin’? Is the killer that upset because of her absent parents or is she a social outcast with her classmates too? What exactly pushes her to be possessed? AAAAAHHRRGGG!!!! 2/5!

BLACKENSTEIN aka BLACK FRANKENSTEIN (1973)

BLACKOUT (1985)

After a horrible accident on the road, 2 men are pulled from the wreckage with one cooked to death and the other disfigured beyond recognition. The survivor claims to have amnesia, and it’s a 50/50 chance he’s a killer real estate agent who murdered his whole family. Only one persistent cop expects the worst and is ever vigilante for the deadly truth to come out as the man starts a new life with a new face and family. Not an bad film by any means. Even when you know the mystery man with the new face is the killer the whole time, the filmmakers do trip you up every now and again to doubt yourself and ultimately break the tension down to whether or not the guy’s foolin’ everybody with a phony act or if he really does have amnesia and his killer instinct is slowly breakin’ through. Sucker nurses, tough retired cops, unnervin’ phone calls, assaulted women, corpse families on display, bondage masks, eye-poppin’ make-ups effects, spank bank photo murals, accidental boom mikes left and right, and you know he’s the killer if “mask on, pants off!” 3/5!

THE BLACKOUT (2009)

A gang of soap opera wannabes have their Christmas Eve ruined when strange boogers from space crash land in their apartment buildin’s basement and grow into poor man’s xenomorphs wantin’ to eat their faces off. While this flick sounds like it beats out Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for best yuletide crossover with space invaders, the holly jollies are sadly abandoned halfway through to go full blown Die Hard and leaves us no holiday spirit left to remember it’s even Christmas by the end. Despite that and an ensemble of dull characters we couldn’t care less if they die or not, I gotta commend the filmmakers for how well they exploit their limited e.t. effects and for makin’ an innocent young’n their first Earthling meal. Decapitations, practical alien suit e.t.s with CGI scorpion tails, young’n death, face hole punchin’, elevator shaft chases, e.t. growth spurts, Christmas parties, human meals, fatal freefalls, awkward ambush hugs, and apocalyptic feelin’ endin’s! 3/5!

BLACULA (1972)

Interior decorators purchase a coffin and accidentally release one of Dracula’s cursed prisoners, an African prince turned fangface named Blacula. On the loose in Los Angeles, he plagues the police with a growing legion of the undead while seducing a honey that bears a striking resemblance to his deceased wife. I didn’t expect much from this Blaxploitation flick, but I dare say it’s better than Lugosi and Lee’s vamp films! You truly feel for Blacula as this tragic character who’s just as much a victim as he is a bad guy, and most of that’s gotta do with how amazing the chemistry is between him and his long lost love he strives to reconnect with. Vamp graves, castle fist fights, vamp brides, jazz clubs, mustache kisses, bride of Frankenstein ‘fros, dig its, bat transformations, Donkey Kong strategies, solids, staking with shovels, deaths by daylight, warehouses of the undead, and one of the scariest women to ever run at the camera! 4/5!

SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM (1973)

Blacula’s ashes are used in a dark ritual that regenerates our favorite Blaxploitation vampire, and he wants Pam Grier’s voodoo tricks for riddin’ him of his bloodthirsty curse. Just as good as the first film, Blacula continues to dominate the screen with his presence, makin’ us afraid of his stoic power while empathizin’ his tragic circumstance at the same time. Blacula voodoo dolls, blood suckin’, party crashers, pimps, vampire nests vs cops, crossbows, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

BLADE: THE IRON CROSS (2020)

Followin’ the events of Puppet Master: Axis Termination, death ray zappin’ Nazis are determined to turn Americans into obedient zombies, but Dr. Ivanov’s psychic reporter of a daughter’s on the story and brings Blade outta retirement to save the day. Puppet Master’s first spin-off flick starrin’ its break-out star, I’m happy to see the continuation of Ivanov’s story (even if it’s through his headline chasin’ daughter), and even more thrilled at the Nazi’s scheme springboardin’ off events from Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge which restores a little continuity to the series’ head spinnin’ timeline. I wish Blade was more integral to the story given he’s the star, but the filmmakers almost make up for that with alotta new characters and details added to the Puppet Master lore while impressively producin’ a period piece on a tight budget. Stabbin’s, mad scientists, dissolvin’ bodies, full frontal kidnappin’s, flesh tearin’ zombies, psychic manipulatin’, injections, prop wigglin’, peepin’ toms, nods to the Mad Gasser of Mattoon, topless hair washin’, decapitations, hooks in heels, impaled hands, death ray towers, zombifications, cop drama, flesh cuttin’ fetishes, saps smotherin’ in boobs, mad lab massacres, bio energy science, mechanical hands, puppet smashin’ with a sledgehammer, and a rip snortin’ chestburster of a finale never seen ‘fore in a Puppet Master flick! 3/5!

BLADES (1989)

When members of a prestigious country club are found mutilated on the golf course, a couple of pro golfers regret catchin’ the culprit who turns out to be an industrial size killer mower! Watchin’ this film, you don’t have to be a genius to see it’s clearly a beat for beat parody of Jaws, down to their own Quint spoof bein’ chopped to bits while huntin’ the mechanical bastard from his cruddy ol’ van. Could have been a funny tribute to a revered piece of Spielberg history, but it took itself too seriously, makin’ it a well made movie with very little fun to offer. Caddies mowed, golfers mowed, teenage lovers mowed, killer mower vision, Jaws mayor types, explosions, wrecked vehicles, legs cut off, piles of human remains, no dead dogs or boobs! 3/5!

BLAIR WITCH (2016)

If you saw the first Blair Witch, you saw this near copycat sequel. The brother of the missing girl from the original film goes looking for his sister years later in the same woods she disappeared in and is joined by friends and locals acting as guides. Before long, they fall into a very familiar routine where they get lost, chased by an unseen force spooking them with sticks and stones, and eventually find a dilapidated house for the finale. Sure, it’s got more people, cameras, a critter effect with no impact, and split second peeks at the witch, but I was insulted how close this was to the original and felt like a sucker for watching it. It ultimately didn’t do enough to expand beyond the original or add to the lore. If I had my way, the brother would find the sister surviving like a rat in the walls at the house the witch seems to have in some time bubble, providing a lot of brother/sister trust drama with the sis telling us everything she’s learned about the witch. We would make a creepy army of child minions under the witch’s command, and not make the witch some Pumpkinhead lookin’ creature that sounds like Bigfoot moving around. Only good parts worth mentioning is a tight tunnel crawlin’ scene sure to make your breathing shorter, and one girl’s unexpected death when someone breaks one of them twig decorations. 2/5!

BLEED (2016)

A prego and her hubby move into the boonies and entertain their house warmin’ guests with a hike to a burned down prison nearby that’s far from abandoned with killer yokels and butterfly ghosts. This flick is beautifully shot and well acted, but its script unfortunately leaves it a forgettable unresolved mess with indecisive point of views and weak links between the victims and the prison’s history. Fatal freefalls, spooky butterflies, symbolic birthmarks, free loadin’ brothers, ghost hunts, hikin’ in circles, decapitated heads galore, schizo Asians, severed hands, dark prego rituals, throat slittin’, kidnappin’, baby stealin’, skinned wall art, bodily décor, Rob Zombie lookin’ ghosts, disfigured hicks, and head to toe fires! 3/5!

THE BLOB RETURNS aka BEWARE! THE BLOB aka SON OF BLOB (1972)

BLOOD ANGELS aka THRALLS (2005)

A half breed bordello of fang bangin’ beauties called thralls get fed up with their vamp master bossin’ them around and escape to open a bitchin’ night club. With their former master fast on their heels, they hurry to perform a dark ritual for turnin’ themselves into full blown bloodsuckers of the kung-fu kind. With a nice mix of eye candy, above average CGI, light-hearted comedy, and kinetic camerawork, this is a fairly fun flick with some laughable B-movie antics that simply suffers from a bit of a meanderin’ story and so-so actin’. Resurrected ghouls, plastic fangs, dicks bitin’, severed feet, head rippin’, drag queen deaths, tentacle monster boobs, Necronomicon spells, spine rippin’, end of the world rituals, hit and runs, stakin’s, CGI spiders, bat transformations, undead heads and hands, and Lorenzo “Renegade” Lamas as the head vamp Mr. Jones! 3/5!

BLOOD BAGS (2018)

In this spaghetti horror, different folks break into an abandoned mansion and end up trapped with a diseased killer who needs their blood for survival. The flick and its special effects look great, but its uninspired Tom and Jerry plot featurin’ a weak last girl leaves a lot to be desired with a longwinded psych-out of an endin’ insultin’ the last shred of respect I had for it. Only worth a look-see while explorin’ yer furniture fer loose change. Break-ins, lock-ins, stabbin’s, blood lettin’, nods to other horror flicks, red light district blood, homicidal family affairs, and curious cops! 2/5!

BLOOD BEACH (1980)

A California beach in front of a harbor patrol man’s home becomes a feeding ground for a sand burrowing creature no one can find, and it’s up to him, John Saxon, and Burt Young to crack the underground Jaws case 10 years before Tremors does it better. The characters and their run-ins with the off camera creature are great, but there just isn’t enough of the monster itself by the end. What’s more baffling is I swear the filmmakers switched between 2 different monster designs which made things a little confusing! Everything’s compared to Chicago, bag ladies dance, dog’s heads are bitten off, loving hot blondes are dumped for average ex-girlfriends, legs are covered in red paint and declared mutilated, dicks are bitten off, deafening duets are sung, best defense is an explosive ambush, and Saxon says it best, “Real men don’t believe in monsters.” 4/4!

BLOOD BEAT (1983)

When visiting her boyfriend’s family for the holidays, the last thing Cathy expects is to be possessed by a Samurai spirit determined to ruin Christmas. I don’t know where to begin with this mess. The pacing is terrible, the build-up is a little confusing, you have to think too much about the reveal, and lots of awkward acting in a Christmas movie with barely ANY Christmas in it! The filmmakers should have just made this a Thanksgiving horror given its big hunting theme. Sex equals slasher Samurai spirits, mother daughter psych-offs, brother sister psychic fronts, fatties through windows, impalements, overambitious effects, botched deer hunts, axes vs spirits, creepy paintings, airborne housewares, and pyrokinetics! 2/5!

BLOOD DOLLS (1999)

When some rich cats engineer a wealthy freak’s financial ruin, he strikes back with a trio of victims turned loyal killer dolls. While the dolls are the headline, the real star of this flick is their master, Virgil Travis. Ruthless, eccentric, brilliant . . . he’s one of the best and most original villains I’ve ever seen in a film! Girl rock bands in electrified cages, fatal furniture, clown hitmen, doll transformations, pinheads, BDSM, flamethrowers, head smashing, pissers, clowns incognito, boobs in cages, Wayne’s World endings, evil dwarfs, swords in eyes, stabbings, and monster weddings! 4/5!

BLOOD FEAST (1963)

After attending a class on ancient Egyptian history, a caterer decides to slaughter beautiful women for preparing a ritual feast of cannibal delights at a girl’s birthday party in hopes of resurrecting the goddess Ishtar. This film’s special effects are pretty primitive, resembling buckets of hot red paint and wet rags slopped together, but still earns serious kudos for being one of the original video nasties of the gore sub-genre. Okay acting, pretty ladies, bodily mutilations, and the story’s pretty decent but could have had more of a payoff at the end. Rub-a-dub deaths, severed legs, mutilated faces, harvested organs, ’60s Batman looking sets, machete maniacs, head chopping, tongue ripping, ritual sacrifices, Egyptian statue worshiping, and actors reading their lines right off their hands! 3/5!

BLOOD FEAST 2: ALL U CAN EAT (2002)

Almost 40 years later, and director Herschell Gordon Lewis gives us the same gore-met movie disguised as a sequel. No kidding. The killer caterer’s grandson inherits the family business and starts prepping the same cannibalistic Egyptian meal after locking eyes with the Ishtar statue grandpappy worshipped. He follows in his grandpappy’s footsteps so closely, it’s practically the same story as the original Blood Feast but with lots of intentional humor thrown in. Not different enough for anyone to have wasted time making, and I’d highly recommend the far superior Blood Diner (1987) which considers itself an unofficial sequel to Blood Feast. Dead body gags, failed murders, specially whipped crème brulee toppings, finger foods, blood dripping treats, corkscrewed heads, lesbo intentions, face stuffing pigs in Hawaiian shirts, bitch mother-in-laws, John Waters as a dirty priest, what must be invisible corpses and body parts, floating eyeballs, and still no appearance by Ishtar! 2/5!

BLOOD FEAST (2016)

An American restaurant owner in France loses his crazy pills and has visions of a topless Egyptian goddess instructin’ him to chop the French up into finger foods to earn her love. Finally, some filmmakers go ‘gainst the grain of remakin’ good movies and recycle a shoddily made flick with plenty of room for improvement. But while the lightin’, camerawork, actin’, and effects are head and shoulders above the original, I think Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Blood Feast has a better escalation of kills and tension that culminates in a much more satisfyin’ endin’. Museum thefts, throat slittin’, dick severin’, blood gushes galore, dungeon diner torture with boobs, drug induced cannibalism, flesh eatin’, man meat grillin’, bum killin’, Eiffel Tower massacres, and Caroline Williams as the loyal wife to the blood chompin’ end! 3/5!

BLOOD FEST (2018)

A gang of well meanin’ horror fans visit the newest theme park, Blood Fest, to experience the full gamut of Halloween thrills inspired by their favorite scary movies but quickly learn the event’s really a madman’s twisted blow to the genre he blames for today’s violence in society. With real killers and monsters after them, this rag tag team of horror aficionados must escape 700 hodge podge acres of zombies, clowns, vamps, and torture before an explosive finale. A new splatter spin on the self aware concept seen in flicks like Scream and Cabin in the Woods, this is a really fun movie with a bunch of likable characters, hot talents, and modest gore. I think there’s some story details that get lost or poorly told when it comes to the town’s history with Blood Fest and how believable it is someone other than a mega super villain like Dr. Doom could only pull such an event off, but that’s a nit picky distraction most viewers won’t care ’bout. Sexy vamp babes, throat bitin’, stakin’, remote control zombies versus killer Craigslist clowns, creepy doll theaters, limb tearin’ Saw traps, ninja slashers with flyin’ daggers, pig face slashers with chainsaws, throat slittin’, garden tool slashers, side boobs, hinted shower sex, hackers to the rescue, family affairs, rabid guests, car wrecks, last stand cabins, high school hideouts, explodin’ gamers, explodin’ towers, fired techs, fatal freefalls, masked home invadin’ killers, dead mama backstories, warped mental patients, folks chopped in half, and Zachary Levi shows up long enough to die! 5/5!

BLOOD HOOK (1986)

Whenever a fisherman with a plate in his head hears obnoxious music and cicadas at the same time, he becomes one of the most absurd horror splashers ever captured on celluloid! And that ain’t good news for an out of town gang of friends tryin’ to enjoy a lake community’s annual Muskie Madness, never suspectin’ they’d be the biggest catch of the day. This Troma released flick is a tolerance testin’ slowburn for the most part but is a decent by-the-numbers slasher flick with laughable moments as each yahoo is hooked and unbelievably reeled in for a fatal clubbin’. Could have been waaay better if it had more energy behind the editin’, and if the hero didn’t chicken out his first round with the killer which throws the story’s momentum all out of whack. Hooks in the mouth, most responsible mothers ever, tug-o-reels, cheatin’ fishermen, ungrateful RV families, chicks who can’t take any form of a compliment, fun bucket lifts, dead grandpas, bodies hooked through the mouth, bloated corpses stored under docks, free stud finders, bodies turned bait with meat grinders, affairs, crazy lawn squatters, buildin’s that look like fish, hooked dicks, useless authorities, and tragic backstories! 3/5!

THE BLOOD LANDS (2014)

In this uneventful snooze, new homeowners spend most their first night in their remote fixer upper arguin’ over suspicious noises they hear ’til pig masked home invaders jump ’em and dump their asses back in the city while they move ’emselves into their vacated abode. I’m fairly certain I caught all the pertinent details to clue me in to what’s exactly happenin’ and why in this flick, but its lackluster endin’ is so vague, I’ll be damned if this ain’t one of the most unsatisfyin’ horror’s I’ve ever seen. There’s some sweet cinematography and actin’, but not ‘nough to overcome the shallow storytellin’ that builds up to alotta nothin’. Bangin’ in the woods with no nudity, jumpscare pigs, face slashin’, head smashin’, home invadin’, Achilles heel cuttin’, and kidnappin’! 2/5!

BLOOD LEGEND (2006)

College witches prepare the way for resurrectin’ a vengeful witch who made a pact with a demon long ago and needs to live on a steady diet of blood for a week to make her return permanent. While the effects are hokey as hell and the sound quality ain’t the best, this Z-grade flick ain’t the worst thing you’ll ever watch and is pretty entertainin’ with monsters, boobs, good enough actin’, pretty girls, and a high body count. Witch tits, demonic monster suits, backyard virgin sacrifices, death durin’ sex, stake burnin’, some of the worst screamin’ EVER committed to celluloid, ruined pool parties, Goth posers, resurrections, heart rippin’, hunters bein’ hunted, and decapitations! 3/5!

BLOOD PI (2020)

After killin’ her folks for the sheer hell of it, a psycho redhead ‘comes violently obsessed with a bookworm classmate she’s compelled to protect over multiple Halloween parties from joinin’ the most abusive sorority on campus. Respectfully shot with an entertainin’ performance by lead slasher Anna Rizzo, this sucker’s unfortunately got one too many sours keepin’ it from bein’ better than it is. Aside from the killer lackin’ that motivatin’ trigger for her spontaneous need to kill and the endless scenes of sad lookin’ Halloween parties, the biggest sour that hurts Blood Pi is the absence of likable characters. The killer’s crazy for all the wrong reasons, the girl she’s obsessed with is too stupid to not deserve what she gets, and the sorority bimbos are just flat out irredeemable. Stabbin’s galore, throat slittin’, skinnin’, nut sack rippin’, chainsaws to the family jewels, bondage, kidnappin’, psych-out calls, face carvin’, human leather dresses, open gang bang invitations, roofie rapin’, teacher student affairs, gunfire to the chest, drowin’ in the toilet, and LSD freakouts! 3/5!

BLOOD RAGE (1987)

A psycho young’n sets his twin brother up for a drive-in massacre and has him taken away to the loony bin. Years later, the good brother escapes his rubber room to prove his innocence, givin’ his slasher twin an excuse to fall back into murderous habits slashin’ his college buddies on Thanksgivin’. This is one of those good with the bad sorta slasher flicks. You’ve got an okay story with some tolerable characters and surprisingly impressive gore, but the pace drags every so often with very little tension, and the scenes with the twins’ crazed mama are fuckin’ ridiculous. Only thing Thanksgivin’ about this is a blink of a turkey dinner and a drunk-spread eagle mama sloppin’ up leftovers in front of the fridge. Severed hands, Pollock bloodspray, slashed bangin’ on a divin’ board, Halloween make-up gags, folks cut in half, airborne pies, decapitated décor, killer peepin’ tom young’ns, hatchets to the face, manic calls with the operator, splittin’ headaches, machete deaths, carvin’ forks to the neck, and babies in jeopardy! 3/5!

BLOOD SONG (1982)

A psycho killer who can’t stop playing the first verse of “Lullaby and Goodnight” on his wind instrument stalks a teenage girl who witnesses one of his murders in person and the rest of his kills through visions she has thanks to a blood transfusion they unknowingly shared months before his escape from the asylum. The killer hysterically drives everyone crazy with his obnoxious music, but ultimately tries too hard to creep you out as the slasher after the last girl you genuinely sympathize for. Vehicular visions, angry fathers, demolition forklifts, bed to wed to dead, axes to the face, eyeball transitions, babes in bags, and bad endings for good people! 3/5!

BLOOD SURF (2000)

While shootin’ a documentary on shark surfin’ at a remote island, a rag tag team of filmmakers are attacked by a big ass crocodile named Salty and chased into a number of dangerous characters from pirates to revenge seekin’ tour guides. While this sea monster flick packs plenty of B movie tropes from its puppet monster effects to its cheesy green screen gore, it stands head and shoulders ‘bove yer average Syfy creature feature, ’cause it’s a top shelf production that takes its story seriously. With a fast pace story, a nice mix of conflictin’ characters, and constant change of scenery, this is a easily one of the better and more fun crocodile/alligator horrors out there. Shark infested waters, croc chompin’ action, folks bit in half, attempted rape, tripwire booby traps, bar dancin’, topless dry humpin’, exotic jungle bangin’ with boobs, surfin’ galore, bloated bodies underwater, explodin’ ships, shipwrecks, explodin’ crocs, bloody flashbacks, rubber goat head bait, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

BLOOD TRACKS (1985)

An ’80s hair band rocks their way to the snow capped mountains to shoot their next music video, but a family of killer hobos pull the plug on their act when they invade their abandoned factory home for some radical scenery. Basically The Hills Have Eyes in an avalanche, this film has zero character and dick to do with the band which is supposed to be the selling point of the movie, favoring their film crew who have zip personality for making the movie more interesting. No one to care about, and only 1 real rock song that isn’t all that good much less memorable. Airborne bimbos, naked nymphos trapped in the snow, a man you’ll keep mistaking for a chick, hobo booby-traps, arms blown off with shotguns, quickly edited gore, and impalements. 2/5!

BLOOD VESSEL (2019)

A life raft full of World War II soldiers from every corner of the globe boards a Nazi ghost ship, and after some lengthy explorin’, they discover the kraut vessel’s haulin’ a buttload of vampires below deck bustin’ to be free. A well made period piece the seasoned horror fan will pick apart as John Carpenter’s The Thing meets Ghost Ship meets The Strain TV series, Blood Vessel is entertainin’ ‘nough for the most part, but it kinda drags its boots from one scene to the next with alotta misplaced character buildin’ that don’t ‘mount to much. Mainly ’cause the story never really hones in on any particular character ‘mong its ensemble for me to relate to much less care ’bout as I indifferently watch ’em fight a buncha cool lookin’ fangers who never do anythin’ all that excitin’. Mind controllin’, bloodsuckin’ young’ns, gunfightin’, propeller mincemeat deaths, contagious scratches, monstrous transformations, crispy corpses, nearly decapitated captains, fancy coffins, stabbin’s, explosions, drownin’s, neck bitin’s, head knockin’, and shapeshiftin’! 3/5!

BLOOD WIDOW (2014)

A testy young couple host a drunken rager at their new house in the boonies, never suspectin’ they’re pissin’ off a homicidal squatter next door wantin’ to be left alone. This masked slasher flick is a mixed bag of impressions. Everything with the last girl and her posse of gore fodder is borderline ridiculous with so-so/bad actin’, backyard lookin’ camerawork, and undermined momentum with the horror spillin’ over into two days instead of bein’ contained in one deadly night of partyin’. Everything with the Blood Widow, however, is superbly shot, acted, and offers excessive gore that’s sure to put a grin on any seasoned gorehound’s face. Crazy decapitations, stabbin’s, severed hands, unbelievably broken legs, pant rippin’ torture with cat-o-nine tails, head bashin’s, acid trippin’, cat-o-nine tails to the face, and a crossbow is the most powerful weapon anyone can wield! 3/5!

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1984)

An e.t. wind is turnin’ small town Texans into funny talkin’ zombies, and they all wanna drink the blood of a fleein’ journalist and his nitrous-suckin’ fling ‘fore a bomb-happy general gets the go to nuke the town. While I respect this flick’s attempt to be a chuckle-worthy horror featurin’ a new breed of walkin’ dead, it leaves a lot to be desired in the story department. For every decent special effects scene involvin’ a zombie attack, there’s at least three unbearable scenes where the plot stalls for a buncha meaningless yammerin’ ‘mong yahoos strugglin’ to get their lines out. Not the easiest homemade feature to sit through, but at least it’s gotta pretty sweet theme song horror fans can add to their playlists. Severed hands, livin’ room massacres, blood pukin’ transformations, fourth wall breakin’ gags, nuclear explosions, research labs, blood vomitin’ galore, homophobia, roadside hook-ups, over the top car smashin’, street maulin’, army action, and overprotective check points! 2/5!

BLOODY BOBBY (2016) aka THE LEGEND OF FALL CREEK (2021)

It’s been 20 years since little Bobby was teased out of a Halloween party and accidentally turned to backwoods roadkill, and now he’s risin’ from the grave for some long overdue payback when all his tormenters finally reunite for what’s certain to be their last hootenanny. A low-budget slasher that cleverly covers its productions shortcomin’s as a nod to shoddy grindhouse flicks, Bloody Bobby’s story is what makes this a memorable Halloween horror with just ‘nough decent actin’ to help sell it. I wish the filmmakers were more creative with the kills, but there is one laugh out loud effect when a decapitated head looks like a Mr. Potato Head fallin’ into someone’s lap! Be aware this movie was first released as Bloody Bobby in 2016 and re-released as a prequel to its more successful 2018 sequel, Black Pumpkin. Who does that?!! Costume parties, longwinded backstories, supernatural nosebleeds, shower stabbin’s, wacky tobacky, modest Halloween atmosphere, internet datin’, decapitatin’, stabbin’s galore, undead young’ns, trick ‘r treatin’, lesbo kissin’, kills on the can, drunk law officials, head bashin’, bum rap murders, boobs, blurred man meat and butt crack, and a sweet but all too brief appearance by Full Moon Alum, Jessica Morris! 3/5!

THE BLOODY MAN (2020)

When a gang of 1980s suburbanite youths are left overnight with their step mama, the middle young’n somehow unleashes a family hatin’ demon from a knockoff He-Man comic and has to defeat the supernatural shapeshifter with toy weapons. This disasterpiece is a real tolerance tester, Scream Freaks! Even with a runnin’ time of a Marvel movie ( a little over two hours), the filmmakers can’t get their shit together and tell a coherent story that makes any sense. Not only does it take FOREVER for the threat of the Bloody Man to materialize (what little it does), but his backstory is all over the place from bein’ prepackaged boogeyman literature in a mass produced toyline to somethin’ of an urban legend folks may or may not have heard of that practically derails into three stortellin’ shorts, one of which seems to feature a Matrix lookin’ preacher in pilgrim times without explanation. This does have some decent nuggets in it from the authentic retro feel to the Nightmare on Elm Street nods with last girls from The Dream Master gettin’ some screen time, but this is a terribly unfocused story under poor direction. 1980s toys galore, severed hands, blood pumpin’ gags galore, self aware limbs, evil doppelgangers, lynch mobs, wrasslin’ principles, Tuesday Knight music breaks, and classroom bullyin’! 2/5!

BLOODY MOVIE aka TERROR NIGHT (1987)

Film buffs convince their gang of ’80s friends to break into their favorite silent movie star’s mansion for a home invasion tour before it’s demolished the next day, but the vanished star is long from dead and murders the intruders while reenactin’ his past movies. A lost gem of a slasher flick, this gives horror fans all the gore and boobs we want with a killer worthy of bein’ a Batman villain (possibly inspired by the original Clayface). Only thing hurtin’ this movie is the unimaginative camera work, the killer’s confusin’ set-ups and reveals, and the endin’ which should have stopped at the mansion. Boobs in the bath, on-screen decapitations, stabbin’s, folks pulled apart with cars, arrows through eyes and back, cinematic explosions, gore-mets, swordplay, impalements, hooks to the head, fatal freefalls on spikes, severed hands, Medieval strangulation, fatal freefalls on white picket fences, romantic suffocations, robot hands, rubber masks, belly dancin’ cosplayers, neck breakin’ stairs, full frontal with Michelle Bauer, and TV’s Skipper and Grizzly Addams bite the dust in the first reel! 4/5!

THE BLOODY VIDEO HORROR THAT MADE ME PUKE ON MY AUNT GERTRUDE (1989)

A snuff filmmaker accidentally returns his rental camera to the video store with one of his disasterpieces still in it, and must cover his tracks before he’s busted by clueless clerks and dime store cops. A truly valid effort, this film has a concept that hooks us and shows signs of creativity and skill with the editing and camerawork but suffers from finesse and lack of mula. Chop saki-like action, prolonged cries of anguish, fun with zooms, naked she-Bowies, saddest police line ever committed to celluloid, undercover clown cops, puking bums, bodily dismemberments, Troma inspired blood spews, porno movie parties, a twist ending you never saw coming, and no sign of Aunt Gertrude! 2/5!

BLUE MONKEY (1987)

The misleadin’ title is only a hint to the confusin’ mess this flick is, ’cause there ain’t no monkeys of any color to be found! A man pricks himself on an exotic plant and is rush to the hospital where a turd lookin’ critter crawls out his mouth and captured for study. Thanks to an unsupervised gang of little sickos roamin’ everywhere they shouldn’t, the critter is playfully exposed to growth hormones and blows up to killer bug size. Already respondin’ to other cases of turds jumpin’ out people’s faces, the government is quick to quarantine the hospital and leave everyone inside to fend for themselves against a giant bug roundin’ them up for its offsprings’ first meal. It’s hard to pick a startin’ point for reviewin’ this monster pic. It’s got cool monster effects, over the top hospital sets, and fairly entertainin’ characters, but the bug side of things is too bizarre with its two part origin. Either keep it a mysterious creature that poops out folks’ faces and metamorphosis into a monster or make it a regular critter dumbass young’ns accidentally blow up with experimental chemicals. Youngn’s in the ventilation systems, greenhouse dates, drunken seniors, white turd oozin’ creatures, lasers, turd dissections, HRE (humans ready to eat), bug-o-vision, gunfire turnin’ folks into Swiss cheese, bugdemics, head rippin’, explosions, and bug experts! 2/5!

THE BODY (2018)

A disgruntled hit man’s havin’ a rough night transportin’ the stiff of his latest kill, but things get even more complicated when folks from a Halloween party steal his prized corpse, and he has to partner up with a love struck protege to get it back. This Hulu flick’s a lot of fun to watch and keeps surprisin’ me in ways I don’t expect. From the panicked decisions of the partiers to the electrifyin’ chemistry between the hit man and the demented babe lustin’ for him, I’m on the edge of my bar stool with anticipation for every character’s fate and lovin’ every second of it. Maggot caked cheese meals, bodily mutilations off camera, Halloween parties, escape rooms, cemetery betrayals, bullets and knives to the head, folks embalmed alive, fingers bitten off, slit throats, stabbin’s, eye gougin’, and bitchy karma! 4/5!

BODY BAGS (1993)

John Carpenter plays a ghoulish host residing in a morgue where every stiff is a macabre tale from psycho gas clerks to alien hair and evil body part transplants. The best part of this obscure 3 part anthology flick is Carpenter himself, hysterically hamming it up in front of the camera in a way I didn’t know he was capable of! The stories themselves, however, are a little lackluster and need more twists or better punchlines to elevate them to what we expect from such a collaboration of horror talents. Boobs caught in morgue drawers, Buck Flowers typecast as a hobo, nerds crushed under cars, Wes Craven’s a creep, American werewolves saving the day, alien strands eating brains, Sam Raimi playing dead, infomercial takeovers, eye gouging, and Tobe Hooper directs Luke Skywalker to disfigure his own face! 3/5!

BODY CAM (2020)

A cop hatin’ boogey man’s prowlin’ the streets of Louisiana for blue blood, and one lone officer with a history of slappin’ has made it her mission to find out why it’s so pissed. From BET, this is top shelf filmmakin’ with alotta fine actin’ and some of the most brutal supernatural kills I’ve seen committed to celluloid. The only hitch in this flick’s giddy up is its lack of details regardin’ how this wronged boogah boo came to be and just how big a role key people play in its revenge from beyond the grave. Fatal freefalls, gory impalement, bathroom suicides, crooked law officials, busted teeth galore, free floatin’ cops, convenient store shoot outs, body cam twists, blue on blue violence, ghost kids, and black light street visions! 4/5!

BODY COUNT (1986)

Some dirt bikers and an RV full of horn dogs converge on a cursed camp and are picked off by a slash happy shaman the campground owner’s been tryin’ to catch like a leprechaun for years, so he can finally open for business. A pretty mundane slasher as far as the premise and kills are concerned, the real sweet watchin’ this is the unpredictable buncha yahoos hangin’ out ’til the shaman gets ’em. One second they’re forcin’ strangers to hitchhike with ’em while motorboatin’ their mugs under some tight t-shirts, the next, they’re decidin’ it’s a great idea to clean the rundown bath house in the middle of the night for a little less disgustin’ showers in the mornin’. This flick’s okay at best but does have a bit of a head scratchin’ endin’ that suggests there might really be a killer shaman runnin’ ’round at some point. Stabbin’s galore, hidey holes in the bathhouse, streakin’ pranks, booby trap impalin’, near fatal freefalls off a mountain, confusin’ campground geography, hairdressin’ with boobs, dirt bikin’, affairs of the heart, obsessions with capturin’ curses, lovemakin’ in barns, topless shower preparation, strangulation, head bonkin’, boobs in the shower, outdoor aerobics for goofballs, bottled body parts, ripoff kills from Friday the 13th, and campin’! 3/5!

THE BODY TREE (2017)

A year after a girl’s murder, a gang of her friends fly to Siberia to participate in her family’s hoodoo doll ritual of a funeral which goes horribly wrong when it releases a possession happy demon wantin’ to slash everybody down. The story is unique and starts out strong with actors are on their game, but the action eventually peters out to a dull round around that’s punctuated by a head scratchin’ endin’ right out of left field. Levitatin’ dolls, spooky dinners, caskets in trees, mysterious plots, possessions, stabbin’s, framed murders, and slit throats! 3/5!

THE BOG (1979)

When yokels fish with dynamite in the bog, they wake up a prehistoric vampire bug that’s hot to mate with the local women to stay off the endangered species list unless local law enforcement and pissed off husbands can stop it. While obviously a cheapie with a bunch of backwoods hammin’, I still appreciate the effort put into this cheesy monster flick like the unexpected endin’ with the insecta-gill man bein’ flash frozen by an angry mob for scientific study. It almost makes up for all the awkward love scenes and rough edits. Monster vision, swamp hags, senior romance, bubblin’ terror, damsels in distress, angry mobs, frozen fishsticks, and fish eggs! 3/5!

BOGGY CREEK (2010)

A flashback happy gal who runs like the T-1000 visits her dead daddy’s cabin in Big Foot country with her friends, and it’s only a matter of time before they’re all killed and rapped by the legend that inspired countless bad movies. While this has sweets like pretty imagery, decent Big Foot makeup, and a better soundtrack than most indie flicks, the edits lack finesse, the story tends to trip over itself with everyone’s backstory, and the actin’ rarely feels natural with stiff performances and lack of chemistry. Too much Ruin My Lifetime drama and not enough Big Foot in my opinion. Flashbacks galore, disembowelment, gutted piggy hood ornaments, skinny dippin’ neckin’ without boobs, kidnappin’s, throat crushin’, super speed sasquatch, and inappropriate flirts! 2/5!

BOLTNECK aka TEEN MONSTER (2000)

After an awkward goth kid played by Ryan Reynolds fatally cracks his brain basket, his egghead classmate Frank revives him in the name of experimental science by swappin’ his gray matter out with a pickled brain he stole. Problem is, it’s a criminal’s brain he dropped in Ryan’s noggin, and now it’s touch and go as to how evil or not this stranger in a classmate’s body is. A decent flick that rides that fine line between family friendly and mature fun, my biggest problem with this movie is its lack of focus and escalation regardin’ the exact threat the resurrected felon presents, and folks’ reaction to it. The filmmakers pepper in hints this felon in Ryan’s body is bad news, but no one, especially Frank, seems to care one way or ‘nother if he’s a thief, killer, or rapists minglin’ ‘mong an unsuspectin’ student body. And when people do give a shit what’s happenin’, it’s for weird reasons like the girl runnin’ for help while screamin’ bloody murder ’cause she simply sees Ryan’s forehead stitches. It’s all light hearted fun but makes absolutely no sense. Peepin’ toms, thunder stormin’ science experiments, attempted armed robbery, Halloween dances, house parties, bullies’ just desserts, extension cord strokin’, and m.i.a. boob jobs! 3/5!

BONEJANGLES (2017)

A gang of incompetent cops get stuck in a small cursed town while transferrin’ an undead serial killer named Bonejangles and must use the supernatural brute to defeat a horde of hick zombies led by a sex-hungry witch. While there’s sours like lackluster gore, so-so actin’ (even for a comedy), and characters and scenes needin’ to be cut back or out completely, this sharply shot indie flick successfully mish-mashes monsters in a fun new way with characters worth investin’ in. Stabbin’s, disembowelin’, shriveled juice lads, succubus bangin’, Evil Dead nods, Friday the 13th nods, boobs in the locker room, wee wee weaknesses, voodoo mama curses, reverse-Oreos homos, annual zombies, witch hunts, supernatural boners, guitar bashin’, camper massacres, motorboatin’, chainsaw hands, foggy nights, and Reggie Bannister as Bonejangles’ serial killin’ daddy! 4/5!

BOO! (2019)

A Detroit family is next in line to pass along a trick or treat chain letter, but when the Halloween hatin’ father refuses to play ‘long, they see things that aren’t really there the rest of the movie ’til the son’s possessed by somethin’ that makes him burn the house down. SPOILERS, but I strongly recommend y’all don’t waste yer time with this bullshit ’cause it’s uneventful in any meaningful kind of way, and nothin’ in it makes sense! The family’s horribly established with zero chemistry, I think the cast were givin’ conflictin’ notes for their characters in every scene, some folks are haunted by their pasts while others aren’t (or at least it’s not explained how eyeless brats tie into the dad’s backstory), a 12 year old kid’s written and acted like he’s eight, and how can an uber-religious dad hate Halloween so much but be cool with his son decoratin’ his room in demonic doodles and disfigured dolls like he’s a young Ed Gein?! Parked cars with boobs, drunk/sober floppin’ mamas, spooky scriptures, eyeless ghosts, gouged eyeball eatin’, bed sheet spooks, husbands blowin’ their wives away off camera, dead goldfish, mirror head buttin’, wrist slashin’, blood filled tubs, umbilical cord trails, shadow demons, house fires, and a family dog the movie forgets ’bout 9/10 the time ’til they show it injured for a heartbreakin’ moment! 2/5!

BOO! A MADEA HALLOWEEN (2016)

Finally popped my Madea movie cherry, because I thought this Halloween romp would be in the same vein as other horror comedies like Ernest Scared Stupid, but boooy, was I wrong! Tyler Perry calls on his split personalities to help keep his underage daughter from goin’ to a frat’s Halloween party, but the teeny bopper still manages to sneak by the senior brigade and sets Madea on the warpath, resultin’ in a spooky prank war with college yahoos. The movie is funny for the most part, but it feels like a flimsy script filled with a lot of improv that’s rushed for a quick buck. There isn’t enough of a Halloween atmosphere, some scenes run too damn long, a moral is kind of thrown in toward the end for a blip of emotional impact, and the story arc is wonky all around with non-existent stakes. Really wish more time was spent developin’ this story and put Madea up against an actual ghost or demonic possession or anything supernatural! 2/5!

THE BOOGENS (1981)

A historic mine is re-opened, and underdwelling monsters with fangs and tentacles are released to snack on people in their basements. This movie does a great job developing the characters and getting us to care whether or not they die, but really downplayed the whole monster storyline to where they’re almost a subplot. Dynamite explosions, geezer guardians, braking for animals, peek-a-boo ass cheeks, very little blood, rubber puppet critters, and the most amazing poodle who gets our vote for the greatest canine actor to ever emote on celluloid! 3/5!

BOOGEY MAN 2 (2008)

Years after seein’ their parents slaughtered by a hooded boogeyman as young’ns, Laura commits herself to the same clinic that helped her brother get over his bogyphobia, but things only get worse as every patient is killed by their own phobias, leavin’ Laura to think the Boogeyman is back to get her. For me, this flick is essentially the Halloween 3 or Friday the 13th Part 5 of the Boogeyman series that borrows the plot from Nightmare on Elm St. 3. Not a bad flick overall thanks to a nice mix of disturbed characters with Tobin Bell as their doctor (recordin’ everythin’ on mini-audio cassettes in Jigsaw fashion), and more than one gory death scene sure to make even seasoned horror fans cringe. My biggest problem is how uninterestin’ the Boogeyman still is as this forgettable lookin’ supernatural killer with zip personality. Agoraphobics hearts ripped out , disembowelin’, nyctophobics ripped in half, needles to the peepers, cleaner cocktail guzzlin’ germaphobes, arm tearin’ masochists, skin burrowin’ maggots, fat filled bulimics, cockroach snacks, electrocutions, Scooby-Doo mysteries, and boobs bangin’ in the shower! 3/5!

BOOGEY MAN 3 (2008)

Returnin’ to its supernatural roots, the series trades the wacko-boogey poser from the last flick for the real deal, and Boogey randomly returns to terrorize Tobin Bell’s daughter and her college dorm friends for the sheer hell of it. Again, this series comes up with interestin’ enough characters, situations, and kills, but I can’t get over how underdeveloped and hokey the Boogeyman is. Who is he, what does he want, how does he choose his victims . . . ?! The Boogeymen from The Real Ghostbusters cartoon and Troma’s Monster in the Closet is scarier than this guy! Blood floods, bongs through the face, dead dogs off screen, strangulations, boobs galore, boobs in the bath and shower, spin-cycle deaths, blood drippin’ hallways, disembowelments, blood splattered lock-ups, hokey ghost faces, and elevator terror! 3/5!

BOOK OF BLOOD (2009)

A college student tries pullin’ a fast one on his teacher who’s a paranormal investigator thinkin’ he can help her unlock the secrets of a haunted house, but things break bad as his flesh becomes a livin’ scribble pad for the passin’ dead to cut their sad sap stories into. A pretty solid story, this Clive Barker inspired flick really downplays the true supernatural elements ’til the last moment, but keeps you entertained with an engagin’ mystery laced with that sexual tension we fear and love in Barker’s work. Wall writin’s, masterbatin’ lullabies, boobs, student/teacher bangin’, penises, cracks in the shower, exodus of mangled spirits, offscreen skinnin’, blood drownin’, fatal freefalls, dragonfly swarms, invisible rapists, face peelin’, and Doug Bradley makes an appearance! 4/5!

BOOKS OF BLOOD (2020)

An anthology based on Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series, three shorts barely crisscross each other featurin’ a clueless thug after the Book of Blood for a payday, a con man pissin’ off the spirit world, and a noise hatin’ millennial uncoverin’ a remote bed and breakfast’s sick secret in their walls. A top shelf production through and through from its visuals to its choice of cast, the only sour I can nitpick is the bed and breakfast short bein’ spread out ‘cross the film for no good reason, endin’ on a sour note that lacks any satisfyin’ conclusion thanks to the filmmakers forgettin’ to include the girl’s motivation for a past sin that compels her to make a crazy decision. Payback from beyond the grave, bookstore assassinations, threats over coffee, eye gougin’, severed ears and tongues, crawlspace guests, kitchen operations, bullets through the brain basket, possessed Dodge Chargers, ghosts galore, con graffiti, young’n deaths, paranormal writin’s in flesh, obnoxious chewin’, head clubbin’, psych-out rats, stabbin’s, and car wrecks! 4/5!

THE BOY (2016)

An all new evil doll movie with a M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist ending that’ll have you rethinking its categorization in horror sub-genres. Keep an open mind, be prepared to connect a lot of imaginary dots or have the plot blow up in your face, and Lauren Cohan ain’t dropping the towel in this PG-13 masterpiece. 4/5!

BOYS FROM COUNTY HELL (2021)

When construction for a new road plows through an Irish vampire’s hidey hole, the close knit crew finds themselves fightin’ ‘gainst an ancient bloodsucker that ain’t like anythin’ they know from the movies as friends and loved ones become indestructible killin’ machines. A well balanced vampire flick with humorous characters dealin’ with an all too serious situation, I’m impressed with how the story constantly keeps me on my toes with unexpected whammies like the random bull attack, and even more impressed with the special effects used whenever the Dracula wannabe draws blood outta his victims from a distance like the openin’ scene with the geezer’s springin’ leaks from their faces. I still can’t tell if that’s all practical make-up effects or not! If there’s any sours to speak of, I feel like the vampire’s gravestones bein’ what turns folks into fangers ‘stead of him makes his role in the whole movie ‘less important, but despite this storytellin’ wedge, this is still a fun watch. Vampire themed bars, bull chargin’ deaths, contaminated rocks, funerals for friends, dead dog meals, impalements, decapitations, blood suckin’, neck bitin’, botched suicides, jumpscare pranks on tourists, reattachable heads, danglin’ hearts, partial last stands in a house, leaky victims, car wrecks, construction vehicle action, and a disappointments room! 4/5!

BRAIN DEAD (1990)

The actin’ chops of Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton combine and barely keep this flick afloat ’bout a neurosurgeon questionin’ his sanity after a head injury sends his reality spiralin’ out of control. Is he the doctor or the patient? Does he work for a mega corporation or are they workin’ against him? Did he really work for a mattress company? Truth is, I don’t give a shit by the end, ’cause I’m too fed up with this narrative mess and just happy it’s over. Seriously, I’m rootin’ for Pullman up until the accident, then I’m just throwin’ my mitts in the air like I just don’t care after that. Perfect example of a feature that would make for a much better short film. Brains in jars galore, crashin’ brains galore, water themes, stabbin’s, front row seats for brain surgeries, loony bins, tops of folks’ heads removed, Re-Animator nods, literal butterflies on the brain, and facial simulators controlled by remote brain zappin’! 2/5!

BRAINSCAN (1994)

When Michael dares to play the hottest new game in home entertainment terror, Brainscan, the horror lovin’ high schooler is manipulated into embarkin’ on a real-life murder spree by a demonic gamemaster named Trickster. A terrifically made movie with a criminally underrated villain, this borderline slasher does unfortunately have problems in the story department. Just what is Trickster’s endgame? Is he after Michael’s soul? What exactly are the consequences if Michael just stops playin’ the game? Does Michael’s dead mama issues really play any significant role in the development of his character through any of this? Well, SPOILERS — none of it matters! It’s all a fuckin’ mulligan by the end with everythin’ revealed to be a simulation the game zapped into his noodle. Such a waste of a cool horror villain! Eye gougin’, finger bendin’, head chowin’, CGI shitstorms, severed feet, stabbin’s galore, home invadin’, manhunt fatalities, playful dogs, keep away with body parts, human remains in the fridge, rock posters galore, horror movie clubs, monstrous appetites, Primus jammin’, computer phone servants, house parties, evidence burnin’, mind control, and crushin’ deaths! 3/5!

THE BRIDE (2017)

A spooky flick from Russia that’s Get Out with weddin’ bells, a bride to be meets her fiancé’s rural family for the first time and is secretly prepared as a vessel for their great grand mammy’s latest resurrection. It’s all good though, ’cause we know right out the gate the fiancé sabotages the ritual, keepin’ his de-virgined bride safe from ever bein’ possessed by a homicidal ghost which begs the question – Why did he take her to the ritual at all if he wants nothin’ to happen to her?! Maybe something’s lost in translation, but this detail seriously robs the film of most its tension and makes me question the believability of the characters and their motives. Overlookin’ this sour along with bad dubbin’, this is a pretty lookin’ film and offers one mean lookin’ spectre. Capturin’ souls with spirit photography, banshee-like ghosts blowin’ folks ‘cross rooms, brides kinda buried alive, roomy crawl space chases, eye-poppin’ effects, and car wrecks! 3/5!

BRIDE OF SCARECROW (2018)

After a town lynches a thief and his bride, the sticky finger bandit is cursed to roam the cornfield at indecisive intervals of time as a frumpy scarecrow out of a sad Scooby-Doo cartoon and kill anyone within questionable distance while lookin’ for a replacement for his bride to be. The filmmakers have a decent ‘nough premise and location for what could be a sweet melodrama ’bout this radio DJ inheritin’ a farm with a literal stalker in the cornfield out back, but they just fumble the scares in every which way imaginable from the lightin’, the scarecrow’s design, and the convoluted legend behind it all that’s repeated two and half times. Seances, folks impaled on pitchforks, needless sacrifices, huge honkers, twitchy scarecrow actors who can’t stay still to save their life, head stabbin’s, huge murder scene clues the cops missed, and major questions regardin’ how to stop a killer scarecrow! 2/5!

BRIGHT (2017)

After policin’ aliens and the wild wild west, Will Smith tries his hand at patrollin’ the fantasy filled streets of LA for magically armed criminals with a discriminated Orc for a partner. A disturbance call brings them in possession of a magic wand, a wishin’ stick of mass power, and they fight to keep it safe from dirty cops, street gangs, and ninja elf babes needin’ it to usher in a prophesized evil. A cop drama set against a fantasy background, this flick is a great mash-up of elements from popular movies (Lethal Weapon, The Warriors, Training Day, etc.), and successfully creates a convincingly grounded world of man and magic that doesn’t require beatin’ us over the head with rules and exposition to explain it all. Good chemistry among the characters, slick cinematography, and top-notch effects, but there’s just somethin’ I can’t put my bony finger on that keeps this from feelin’ like a homerun of a movie. Orcs, elves, fairies, titty bar gunfights, explosions, stabbin’s, beatdowns, crippled gang leaders, cop on cop violence, resurrections, pukin’, throat slittin’, end of the world prophecies, and car wrecks! 4/5!

BRIGHTBURN (2019)

A horror spin on Superman’s origin, a couple from Brightburn, Kansas raise a crashed e.t. baby as their own, but come to regret that decision as he approaches puberty and undergoes dangerous changes that make him an unstoppable super threat manipulated by the space wreck he arrived in. An interestin’ genre mash-up, this bizarro version of Smallville doesn’t bring a lot of surprises to the table, but does offer a jaw droppin’ moment of gore or two and some unsettlin’ jump scares I can’t believe work. Not a spectacular flick mind ya, but impressively noteworthy none the less. Shattered glass in eyes, crushed hands, heat vision galore, plane crashes, fatal freefalls from 30,000 ft., super strength, hot heads, dissected corpses for wall art, chicken coop massacres, splattered law enforcement, farm 51, peepin’ toms, dislocated jaws, super flight, murder scene callin’ cards, tell-all doodle art, flickerin’ power outages, and one home wreckin’ super young’n throwin’ the temper tantrums to end them all! 4/5!

THE BROTHERHOOD V: ALUMNI (2009)

In this homo-erotic slasher flick on a budget, a prom prank ends in a classmate’s death, and the graduatin’ seniors involved are invited to a high school reunion the followin’ year to fight a vengeful stalker claimin’ to have a video tape that can incriminate them all. I love director David DeCoteau’s work, but this particular entry in his hardbody horror series really tests my tolerance with it bein’ 75% pissin’ time of endless wanderin’ through the same hallways and locker rooms to solve a murder mystery that gets too confusin’ the more it’s unraveled. Why did everyone hate this goob of a student ‘nough to kill him in the first place, and who exactly killed him? The only redeemin’ quality this flick has are the laughs I get from its erotic touchy feely scenes that make softcore porn look like soul damnin’ triple x filth. Stabbin’s, guys takin’ spontaneous showers, shoulder rubbin’ galore, ffm caressin’, zoo animal insert shots galore, stage combat impalin’, and feather weight homo touchin’ that can’t decide if it wants to be standin’ or layin’! 2/5!

BRUISER (2000)

In this Kafkaesque story from the granddaddy of all flesh eatin’ zombie flicks, George Romero, a pushover workin’ for a ‘tude themed magazine randomly wakes up with his face transformed into a livin’ mask and can’t be rid of it ’til he brutally stands up to bullies like his cheatin’ wife and obnoxious boss. While the whole mask thing is nonsensical with no explanation in sight, Romero still delivers an entertaining story that could’ve been an episode of his Tales From the Darkside TV show. The dialogue’s silly at times and Peter Stormare’s over the top performance as the horny magazine mogul’s is borderline ridiculous, but hey — it’s what makes the flick memorable! Fatal freefalls, marital affairs, half-ass disguises, Phantom of the Opera nods, decapitated dummies with confetti, lightshow executions, lasered nuts, boobs in the office, pointless table saws, pool parties, mask makin’, bullets to the chest, boobs in the hot tub, Tom Atkins playin’ detective, and a performance by the Misfits! 3/5!

BUG BUSTER (1998)

Katherine Heigl’s family unknowingly moves into a small lake town infested with mutant cockroaches breedin’ in the townfolk’s bodies and, only TV exterminator General Randy Quaid can squash them in over the top fashion. For the most part, this is a very respectable straight shootin’ B-movie that delivers multiple deaths with TV tame gore, but all bets are off once Randy shows up the last few minutes with a cartoonish arsenal of bug killin’ toys just to end up fist fightin’ a guy in a giant bug suit. Chewed up bodies, chewed up sex partners, family friendly skinny dippin’, freeze guns, flame throwers, fireballs, barbeque vampire bats, bed bugs, gratuitous movie references, fishin’ with guns, redneck band deaths, death on the toilet, infested wounds, big ass mother bugs, and Star Trek alums Scotty and Sulu tag team in supportin’ roles! 3/5!

BURIAL GROUND aka THE NIGHTS OF TERROR (1981)

It’s as simple as it gets. A professor of somethin’ ‘nother disturbs a catacomb full of pajama shirt wearin’ zombies covered in creepy crawlies, and they don’t waste any time marchin’ to the house next door to disembowel every horn dog inside. Nothin’ more, nothin’ less. But while these Italian slow-peds from the grave are scarier than most with their ability to scale walls, use tools, and logically think through how to get ya, all that’s overshadowed by one of the most hysterically bizarre supportin’ characters I’ve ever seen captured on celluloid, the disturbin’ man-child, Michael. Not only can I not tell if he’s a miniature man playin’ a young boy or some teen with a growth disorder (much less grasp how the filmmakers want me to perceive him), but his weirdo vibe is magnified by an incestuous relationship with his mama that ends with her nipple gettin’ bit off like a rubber chew toy. Guarantee this image will imprint itself in yer brain fer better or worse! Blondes in beartraps, nails ripped through hands, danglin’ maid bait, flesh eatin’ galore, intestine gnawin’, severed arms and hands, head puntin’, lotta disembowelment, pendin’ circular saw death, undead monks, glass impaled faces, nipple chewin’, inappropriate touchin’ ‘tween relatives, boobs ‘tween the sheets, and head bashin’ on the tub! 2/5!

BURIED ALIVE (1989)

Loosely based on moments from different Edgar Allan Poe stories, this flick’s ’bout a new nuthouse science teacher powerin’ through her first few days of work while plagued with hallucinations of gapin’ holes, breathin’ brick walls, and hands grabbin’ at her from the toilet. Reachin’ her breakin’ point, she investigates these ant infested visions and learns there’s a loon in a Ronald Reagan mask nabbin’ the facility’s over-aged delinquents and stashin’ ’em in the basement. A decent watch with a lotta eye candy, this has it’s fair moments of special effects gore here and there, but the story leaves me scratchin’ my noggin more times than not. Egg-beater scalpin’, straight-jacket tombs, shower scenes with boobs, ants feedin’ on popped eyeballs, Donald Pleasence in a wig, kitchen brawls, yahoos buried up to their necks in concrete, and horror legend John Carradine’s final role as a loony bin cameo! 3/5!

THE BURNING aka DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE (1979)

When Donny’s abusive mother passes away, voices in his head encourage ’em to jump on the furniture, crank his music to 11, and cook gals with a flamethrower. A forgotten horror gem that tells the story from the killer’s perspective, this is like watchin’ a Batman villain’s origin with tragic backstories and sick delusions leadin’ this guy to don an asbestos suit and make himself a supportive circle of toasty friends he can share his feelin’s with. Well made with strong performances, the only sour I’m willin’ to bitch ’bout is the voice in Donny’s head not bein’ played up enough. Human matchsticks, holy fires, burnt-up mamas, Ted Bundy trickery, extra crispy corpses, revenge of the overcooked dead, beachy nightmare sequences, literal disco infernos, child abuse over stovetops, parkin’ garage brawls, house fires, flamin’ perms, kidnapped women, and a whole scene dedicated to the process of buyin’ a suit for parties under the disco ball! 4/5!

BURNT OFFERINGS (1976)

An unsuspectin’ family rents a swank house in the country for summer vacation but find themselves balls deep in an Amityville-type situation with the supernatural pad remodelin’ itself from their pain and sufferin’. While the film gives us a convincin’ enough family facin’ a decent premise about a parasitic home, the pace and editin’ was what ultimately hurt the film. The summer long timeframe feels too compact, the house itself needs to be pushed a lot more with sounds, movements, and maybe even a little exposition, there’s an evil hearse driver just stuck in there for no reason with WTF transitions, and I swear the movie ends 3 times because of the erratic escalation of the house twistin’ the parents’ behaviors. Best parts are Burgess Meredith as one of the landlords rentin’ the hungry house, and poor little Davey’s constant brushes with death throughout the flick. Fatal freefalls through windows, father-son drownin’ lessons, possessions, old bats in the attic, faces smashed through windshields, boys screamin’ like little girls, supernatural gardenin’ tips, boys crushed under chimneys, houses sheddin’ old skins, grandmas kickin’ buckets, and pointless evil hearse drivers shovin’ coffins at the camera. 3/5!

BURY (2014)

Some jerk buys a box of GoPros and thinks they can bullshit their way through a horror movie ’bout a gang of panicked hipsters regrettin’ their stay at a remote Airbnb when two sound effects in the woods start makin’ ’em disappear. Save yerself the time and annoyance at these actors’ inept improv with a flimsy script and just know the movie ends with the reveal of a big ass CGI spider at the last possible second of the flick ‘fore the credits role. Trespassin’, pill poppin, unexplained live burials, random cannon balls into the lake, bike wrecks, and lotta jumps to some ridiculous conclusions when things break bad! 2/5!

BUTCHER, BAKER, NIGHTMARE MAKER (1981)

Much to my dismay, there ain’t no butchers or bakers anywhere in this nutty borderline of a horror flick, Scream Freaks! Instead, we have a crazed picklin’ aunt sufferin’ from the worst case of empty nest syndrome we’ve ever seen committed to celluloid as she murders and poisons whoever she’s gotta to prevent her adopted nephew from skippin’ town on her with a basketball scholarship. Of course, that don’t fly with the nephew, and I surprisingly find myself rootin’ for him to escape his escalatin’ predicament as it steadily unfolds like a daytime soap drama with the seldom punctuation of gore. While this oddball flick meanders a bit in the middle and features an intolerable character or two, it certainly keeps me on my toes with some unexpected cop scenes and is worth checkin’ out for its openin’ car wreck alone that gives the openin’ pile-up from Final Destination 2 a run for its money. Poisoned milk, borderline incest, pickled heads, decapitated corpses, gut slashin’, throat slittin’, stabbin’s galore, impalement with a fire poker, cop killin’, severed hands, sexual assault, boobs ‘tween the sheets, school yard brawls with Bill Paxton, buttocks in the shower, blood smearin’, nip slips, stair fall stunts, ‘lotta ‘lotta gay hate, interrogations at gunpoint, bad haircuts, head bashin’, ridiculous wardrobes, and one of the most brutal car wrecks in cinematic history! 3/5!

THE BUTCHER POSSESSIONS (2014)

An Australian teen invites his friends to debunk a supernatural ritual from the dark web for summonin’ an evil entity called The Butcher for his internet channel, but ’cause no one takes any of it seriously, the spell’s all fucked to hell, and the mean mama jama comes after ’em for real with no way out. The cast is decent and the filmmakers do a great job creatin’ a creepy atmosphere that’s maintained throughout this found footage flick, but as scary as the demonic Butcher sounds, I don’t think the film delivers a powerful ‘nough moment that sums-up the fear of bein’ caught by him. Possessed sleep-walkin’, unnerved psychics, doll stabbin’, evil winds, salt circles, blood contracts, thumb pricks, never endin’ night, loopin’ roads, supernaturally sabotaged cars, candle defenses, laughable meltdowns, and Midnight Man rules! 3/5!

THE BUTCHERING (2015)

In this Scottish version of Scream, a small town’s masked psycho killer is supposedly back from a decade of hidin’ and is slashin’ teens in the middle of alotta cheatin’ high school romances. Spoilers ahead, Scream Freaks! While this is an entertainin’ ode to retro slashers, it runs a little long for my taste, and that’s ’cause the filmmakers try tellin’ two separate stories at the same time that ultimately have little to do with one ‘nother as it turns out the current killin’s are just copycat ripoffs of the original psycho no one knows is already dead. If it were me, I’d cut the fat and turn the runnin’ exposition into a simple word of mouth legend that gets debunked with the survivor-turned-cop revealin’ the true fate of the original killer to one of the newer teens in danger. School dance massacres, internet datin’ for serial killers, gunshots in the back, firin’ squad executions, stabbin’s galore, lotta nods to Wes Craven, under the bed ambushes, dead sleeps, crooked cops, pointless suicide backstories, and threeway slasher pacts! 3/5!

BUTTERFLY KISSES (2018)

Like the horror movie equivalent to a piece of M. C. Escher art, this found found footage flick within a behind the scenes featurette within a documentary (lose ya yet?) follows different filmmakers’ obsession with a legendary spook, Peepin’ Tom, a supernatural bein’ who can only be summoned by winnin’ a starin’ contest with a tunnel and then closes in to kill his callers with every blink of the eye. This fresh meta take on such a tired subgenre of horror is almost too clever for its own good, and spins an interestin’ mystery in itself that keeps me enthralled and wantin’ answers in the best of ways. The story’s structured with such finesse, it wouldn’t take much to spin it into a chaotic mess, but the filmmakers manage to keep it tight and entertainin’ the whole way through. The endin’s a little unresolved, but I understand that’s the point the filmmakers are goin’ for with the endless loop this obsession for Peepin’ Tom’s taken. Shitty interviewin’ skills, cameos by the director of The Blair Witch, angry radio listeners, Weird USA book nods, angry interviews, skeptic ghost huntin’ clubs, off camera eyelid cuttin’, technology shortcuts, cryptic Morse codes, broken households, shitty investigatin’ skills, and hotel room deaths! 4/5!

THE BYE BYE MAN (2017)

Don’t think it, don’t say it, don’t Google it! A tight gang of college students move into a fixer upper only a squatter can love and accidentally uncover a name that invokes a reaper-like fella to fuck with their heads ’til his skinned panther can chow on their faces. The actin’s not the best, the feature villain has a hackneyed look, and characters do a lot of questionable things, but there are some effective jump scares, speechless what the fuck moments, and a good enough premise to build a franchise on. Séances, hair maggots, love triangle tricks, shotgun massacres, hit and runs, stabbin’s, noisy clawin’, baseball bats to the head, pipe cleaner cocktails, one of the worst brothers ever, loose change, suicides, and cameos by Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway! 4/5!