Screaming Soup!

A – R-Rated Reviews

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A BLADE IN THE DARK (1983)

A composer shacks up in an Italian villa to score his first horror flick but keeps gettin’ interrupted by random trespassin’ hotties who end up murdered by a killer box cutter and its cross-dressin’ partner. This spaghetti horror’s got a lot of promise with a respectable production value supportin’ an plot that’s different from common slasher formulas, but this has waaay too much pissin’ time for me and a little too confusin’ reveal I saw comin’ a mile away. Bit of impressive gore here and there, but it’s the bizarrely shot box cutter scenes that make it look as if its alive and floatin’ in for the kills you gotta see to disbelieve! Stabbin’s, movies within movies, cross-dressin’ killers, plastic wrap suffocations, stabbed hands, changin’ room boobs, gratuitous scenes of girls underwater, one endlessly recycled tune, and tennis balls galore! 2/5! 

A CREEPSHOW HOLIDAY SPECIAL (2020)

Believin’ he’s become a werewolf, a fella seeks help from a shapeshifter support group full of wereturtles, boars, and cats and accidentally brings ’em under attack by their greatest enemy – a Power Rangers lookin’ Santa Claws and his army of street corner Kringles! A fun ride on the wild side of Christmas, this Creepshow special from Shudder does a fantastic job deliverin’ an epic holiday horror in its usual forty minute time constraints with properly developed characters, well paced build-ups to what their animal forms look like, and a special effects filled Santa slaughter to cap it all off. Only thang I’m little sour ’bout is Anna Camp’s feral facelift, but I’m picky with my cat girl makeups. Button shittin’, poop shoot pullin’, Santa spies, gypsy curses, magic shapeshiftin’ elixirs, biblical grudges, rod puppets, electric drill claws, merry massacres, hippo wannabes, and monstrous transformations galore! 5/5! 

A DARK SONG (2016)

A slow burnin’ flick about two characters stuck in one house for months on end, this endurance test focuses on a childless mother hirin’ a temperamental occultist to coach her through a dark ritual with more steps than an Ikea instruction manual that’ll call forth her guardian angel to grant her one wish. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where a spell took the entire feature to perform, but the details and little bit of drama between the characters keeps it interestin’. I just think we need to take the emotions on more of a roller coaster to amp up the intensity of the final moments when things really start gettin’ supernatural. Drownin’s, sittin’ in shapes, sexual magic tricks, boobs, stabbin’s, fingers snipped, salt barriers, dead birds, ghostly demonic folks, plate smashin’, back shavin’, peepee pants, infections, masturbatin’, and blood drinkin’! 3/5!

A HOUSE ON THE BAYOU (2021)

A cheatin’ dad hires the wrong yokels to kill his wife durin’ a family getaway to the bayou, and a simple murder scheme spirals into a silly mess of twists that decides to be supernatural at the last second with no real punchline. More lackluster thriller than paranormal killer, this decently made flick ain’t terrible by any means, but its escalation of danger involvin’ the mysterious guns-fer-hire from the swamp is terribly ineffective with ’em ridin’ the fence as common criminals or threats from beyond to the end credits. Hammered noggins, nosebleeds galore, vehicular bon fires, mystical resurrections, human matchsticks, disembowelin’, wolf attacks, and disappearin’ houses! 2/5! 

A NUN’S CURSE (2019)

Thunderin’ sound effects scare a travelin’ gang of friends to take shelter in an abandoned prison where a killer nun supposedly stalks ’em ’til she realizes the movie’s almost over and races ‘gainst the end credits to give us a body count. While this indie flick boasts a cinema worthy location, poppin’ cinematography, likable characters, and effective audio mixin’, there’s just not ‘nough happenin’ in it. Moments and conversations are unnecessarily repeated, there’s a non-existent storm everyone refers to when bright sunshine is pourin’ through the windows, and the whole nun’s involvement is too dissociated to ever be anythin’ threatenin’ much less scary. Even worse, the majority of the movie’s body count happens all at once followed by a Fight Club endin’ with a Dallas dream twist that just pisses me off. Throat slittin’, stabbin’s galore, impaled jaws, beautiful ladies on the can, religious cosplay, cross knives, poisonous communions, and Felissa Rose retains her expertise on men’s mutilated genitals! 2/5!

A PLACE IN HELL (2018)

A van full of college filmmakers exploit a fright farm attraction to shoot a generic slasher pic, never suspectin’ a real killer is stalkin’ them from behind the scenes. While the story has potential, the location shows promise, and at least half of the cast has somewhat entertainin’ personalities, the biggest sours of this flick are its redundant stabbin’ deaths, feeble attempts at shock and fear, and most of all . . . its killer! The fella’s supposed to be demonically possessed or some shit, but he just looks like someone’s frustrated dad who got separated from the family van on a drive to IHOP. Stabbin’s galore, killer switcheroo, self obsessed bimbos, barn bangin’ without boobs, strangulations, drunk cop dramas, possible demonic possessions, necrophilia, gunshots to the gut, and the only clowns are a bunch of black light dummies hung up like funny piñatas! 2/5! 

A QUIET PLACE (2018)

In an apocalyptic world where losin’ the quiet game means death, a rural family lives like ninjas to survive giant e.t. lookin’ buggers that hunt by sound and chow on the first person who so much as hiccups. Strong actin’ and beautiful cinematography, this monster flick delivers some serious family drama and tension, but I’m not too impressed with the look and sound of its monsters that remind me of the raptors in Jurassic Park and aliens in Signs. My biggest complaint is how crazy these parents seem to be for wantin’ to raise a screamin’ baby in the thick of these audio predators after losin’ one young’n already to careless parentin’! Disemboweled bodies, babies in boxes, army of unexplained mushroom head creatures with super ears, dead coons, quickcorn, deadly hearin’ aids, impalements, shotguns to the head, young’n monster meals, needless sacrifices, and yes, there’s a little bit of talkin’ in more than one scene! 4/5!

A QUIET PLACE PART II (2020)

Immediately followin’ the first flick’s bitter sweet endin’ of a family’s survival ‘gainst killer ears from space, Emily Blunt marches her young’ns to who knows where and unloads her family drama on their nearest neighbor played by Cillian Murphy who’s guilt tripped into helpin’ her deaf daughter reach a radio station to broadcast an e.t. killin’ frequency from her hearin’ aid. Every bit as good as the first Quiet Place, this noisier sequel is a top shelf creature feature that expands the characters’ universe while providin’ insight to the origins of the e.t. invasion. The only sour for me is the lack of worry I feel for any of the main characters no matter how dire their situations get, mostly ’cause they effortlessly blow through a number of sticky situations like with the feral survivors at the pier. Babies in boxes, air tight panic furnaces, head stabbin’s, bullets to the brain basket, maulin’s galore, e.t. cruises, stereo defenses, marina massacres, car flippin’, car wrecks, fallin’ skies, bear traps, noisemaker traps, and e.t. car chases! 4/5!

A RETURN TO SALEM’S LOT (1987)

A spiritual sequel in title only, an anthropologist hopes to beat some manners into his trash talkin’ brat of a young’n with a getaway to Salem’s Lot but gets in over his head when he finds out the town’s ran by vampires wantin’ him to write a bible fer bloodsuckers. This has absolutely nothin’ to do with the Salem’s Lot mini-series! There’s no mention of events, characters, or even the Marsten House, and while some may wanna argue these are the vamps who took over Salem’s Lot at the end of that series, even that don’t jive, ’cause these fangers talk ’bout how they’ve been runnin’ this town for hundreds of years. Deceitful cash grabs aside, this flick also surprisingly sucks — and not in a good way. I’m excited to watch anything from writer/director Larry Cohen whose movies are known to be quirky and fun, but this is just chock full o’ terribly wooden performances and half-assed fight scenes that move at a mind-numbin’ pace. I’d only recommend this disasterpiece to die-hard fans and completests. Human drones, vampire huntin’ geezers, busloads of off-screen victims, fixer-upper shitholes, non-stop swearin’, young’n romances, river brawlin’, chest stakin’ galore, nap time bear traps, psych-out suicides, monstrous puppet transformations, neckin’ with boobs, town infernos, vampire pin cushions, and – somethin’ I’ve never seen ‘fore – a vampire gettin’ knocked up by a human! 2/5! 

A WAKEFIELD PROJECT (2019)

When solar flares break down the barriers ‘tween the land of the livin’ and the spirit world, two best friends are haunted by the previous owner of their BnB project, a mountain of red head killin’ muscle called The Butcher. A decent little movie with charm to spare, the standouts in this flick are its leadin’ gym rat renovators who surprisingly manage to carry the first half of the runtime on their chemistry alone ’til things really start cookin’ in the second half. Their screen presence’s so likable, it’s almost ‘nough for me to forgive the story’s draggin’ developments, lack of escalatin’ dangers, and oddball expositions.  Almost. Redhead hate, cheatin’ girlfriends, drunken dad insults, besties on a meathook, bloodiest home videos, kidnappin’, torturin’, VCR hunts, ghost pickers, ear shriekin’ shrills, malfunctionin’ machines, psychic romances, and handsy bums! 2/5!

ABBATOIR (2016)

An elderly man relocates murder victims’ ghosts and their entire crime scene, walls and all, to a remote town where he hodge podges them all together into the world’s most haunted house. Only a period-confused reporter, whose sister’s family has been added to the house, dares to investigate the paranormal oddity for truth, justice, and the Pulitzer way. This is an amazin’ idea with a creepy concept, but fails in its execution in so many ways. The unbalanced mixture of the film’s antiques, technology, wardrobe, and even acting from different time periods distracted me half the time, confusin’ me as to what year this story takes place. And worst, when the reporter finally enters the house in the movie’s final moments, there’s zero threat or tension, because all the ghosts are harmless whisps of billowin’ spook smoke that never pay her any mind. Faces blown out, bloody elevators, home snuff films, spectral reenactments, classic cars, film noir talk, boogey men bargains, hellish crack houses, supernatural portals, throats slit, shots in the back, offerin’s in a bottle, and real estate horrors. 3/5!

ABOMINABLE (2006)

Recuperatin’ from an accident, a wheelchair bound fella spots a big-ass sasquatch roamin’ his side of the mountain and desperately tries warnin’ the bimbos next door it’s hungry for their hot flesh! One of the best Big Foot/Abominable Snow Man flicks EVER committed to celluloid, this is just an amazin’ film that’s like watchin’ Hitchcock characters survivin’ a ’50s monster movie with puncuations of ’80s gore! The point of view might have been more interestin’ from the bimbos side of the story, and the sasquatch looks Disney silly in the face, but memorable deaths, a powerhouse score, great actin’, and Jeffrey Combs and Lance Henriksen playin’ bit parts make up for all that. Near fatal freefalls, abductions, human meals, bimbos yanked in half through windows, dead dogs, home invadin’ ‘squatches, axes to the back, fender benders with sasquatch, airborne bimbos through windshields, and folks with the fronts of their heads bitten off! 5/5!  

ABOMINABLE (2020)

Jumpin’ into the action feet first without any buildup or character introductions, a mixed team of Navy SEALs and scientists assault a snow capped mountain to investigate a missin’ expedition in search of a plant that grants immortality but piss off a limb rippin’ yeti in the process. This creature feature has a decent chance for bein’ an entertainin’ movie with its plot and production value, but its story is for shit. It never takes the time to develop anyone’s character much less designate a main protagonist, it drops me in the middle of the action without a whole lot of context to put it all in perspective, everyone’s runnin’ ’round with their own agendas from hackin’ computer secrets to lookin’ for the sacred plant and huntin’ the yeti for folks wantin’ to buy his blood on the black market, and there’s some bullshit ’bout time travel shoehorned in for good measure. Only salvageable thing in here for comedic value is the bad actin’ and laughable reveals, specifically ‘tween the woman with brain cancer and the hunter who likes screamin’ in the yeti’s face to look at him. Arm rippin’, face tearin’, lotta shootin’, jaw rippin’, corpse pummelin’, and yeti’s bitin’ new airholes into folks’ necks! 2/5!

ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN aka YETI aka DEADLY DESCENT (2013)

After a loyal friend loses his mountain climbin’ buddy to a yeti in the snow capped mountains, he embarks on a one man rescue mission that results in his own search party lead by his ol’ military unit. Stuck on the mountain, this militant gang of firearm packin’ skiers and snowboarders must defend themselves against CGI beasts and avalanches. This TV-flick ain’t the worst thing from the SyFy channel, but it’s far from a winner. I’m just thankful it’s watchable, offers plenty of tolerable characters, and isn’t super saturated of color like so many of SyFy’s productions. Busty barmaids, G.I.Janes, avalanches, yeti ambushes, slashin’, snowboardin’, skiin’, last stand cabins, and Highlander helicopters! 3/5! 

THE ABOMINATION (1986)

A farm boy’s mind is enslaved by a living tumor his mama hacks up and is forced to feed its flesh hungry offspring everyone he knows. It’s not a bad idea for a story by any means, and has all the right characters in place, but this gorefest flops hard thanks to questionable directing and poor editing that can do without all the recycled shots that makes me feel like I’m seeing the same movie 3 times! Pitchforks to the gut, monsters in the washer, machetes to the head, monsters under the bed, chainsawed heads, monsters in the kitchen cabinets, hands bitten off, death on the toilet, dead cats in the john, highway beer swappin’, monsters in the shitter, grisly skeletons, throats slit open, belly beasts, farting televangelists, bed tumors, TV miracles, gut stew in a bucket, Bible nods, and killer shades! 2/5!

ABSURD (1981)

The spiritual sequel to Anthropophagus (aka The Grim Reaper) that has dick to do with that movie other than sharin’ some of the same cast and crew, Absurd‘s ’bout a lab accident of a madman the police and one determined priest have a hard time puttin’ down thanks to super coagulatin’ blood makin’ him near immortal. With the indestructible killer’s mind in a meanderin’ state of frenzy, he literally tears his way through suburbia ’til he meets his match – a teenage girl in traction. While there’s impressive scenes of gore here and there, this sucker flirts with the very edge of tolerable pissin’ time and fails to be anywhere near as shockin’ as Anthropophagus‘s most infamous video nasty scenes. If any entertainment’s to be had, it’s alotta unintentional comedy durin’ straight scenes, and recognizin’ the flick’s obvious influence from the original Halloween 1-2. Oven roasted babysitters, decapitations with an ax, stranglin’ in the street, impalement on fences, open gut surgeries, Loomis wannabes, blind chases, gunshots to the torso, sawed heads, hit and runs, and pick axes to the noggin’! 3/5!

AEROBICIDE aka KILLER WORKOUT (1987)

Someone’s stalkin’ and slashin’ the hardbodies of a popular health club with a gag size safety pin, and the police have too many suspects to investigate before more gym rats pay the ultimate price for bein’ beautiful. This is what Jamie Lee Curtis’ sexy sweatin’ classic Perfect should have been, Scream Freaks! While this is a cheap exer-ploitation of the ’80’s fitness boom with gratuitous scenes of ladies gyrating their assets with hollow punctuations of horror, it still gets high scores from me for a plentiful amount of eye candy, a bitchin’ soundtrack, and an unexpected twist I think is different. Only things that really hurt the movie are the lack of a central character to experience the story through and feelin’ like the movie ends more than once with a longwinded cop scene that should have been cut. Face bashin’, sabotaged weights, stabbin’s, firetrap tannin’ booths, aerobics galore, superhero sportswear, Porsches, topless homicidal dreams, burned boobs, dumb cop moves, cannonball escapes through windows, shootouts, Mustangs vs guns, boobs in the shower, and a muscle bound fist fight that’s almost in the same class as the street brawl in They Live! 3/5!

AFTER DUSK THEY COME aka THE FORGOTTEN ONES (2009)

A boat ride ends up strandin’ a buncha strained relationships on an uncharted island, and just when I start to care a little for ’em, a pack of lion faced Tarzan wannabes tear outta the jungle like trapeze artists for a blood feast. It’s as simple as it gets as far as plot is concerned, but the monsters in this sucker look top notch and the cinematography beautifully captures the green inferno this takes place in. Too bad the filmmakers weren’t as ept at makin’ things feel scary which robs the movie of a lot of tension coupled with some ineffectively timed deaths. Unbelievable decapitations, high flyin’ snares, ridiculous fatal freefalls through trees, blubber disembowelin’, ludicrous beliefs it’s safer in open water than on a beach where folks know where to find you, scent huntin’, cannibalism, machete fightin’, boat wrecks, proposals on the beach, secret affairs, pullin’ fangs outta legs, flare gun distractions, she-squatch wailin’, and scent coverin’ with some kinda jizz drool! 3/5!

AFTERPARTY aka SLASHER PARTY (2019)

I’m not quite sure where the original party started or was even ’bout, but a gang of social media influencers show up for an after party at some impressive digs in the California hills and start bein’ picked off by an emoji face slasher tryin’ to thin the herd of celebrity posers. If there’s one thang this Gravitas Ventures released bummer doesn’t deliver, it’s a party atmosphere. More like strangers hangin’ ’round a waitin’ room, there ain’t much of anyone to rally for, the filmmakers take their time with the kills, and the endin’ leaves a dissatisfyin’ aftertaste. Best part besides the eye candy that makes this worth watchin’ is Shark, the charmin’ drug dealer who knows how to roll some joints. Stabbin’s galore, big tata flashin’, sucky rappin’, bullets to the head, auto ambushes, hands in garbage disposals, conspiracy theories, booger sugar, girl on girl lip lockin’, and throat slittin’! 3/5! 

AFTERSHOCK (2012)

Eli Roth parties with friends in Chile until an earthquake detours their fun-cation into a unrelentin’ sprint through the depths of hell with the locals flippin’ their shit over the ensuin’ chaos. The power of this flick is how much you come to care for the characters before the natural disaster strikes, makin’ it all the harder to watch as each of them meets a grisly fate in a situation that keeps you guessin’ what could go wrong next! Wutang tramp stamps, rave clubs, severed hands, human torches, roller coasters without brakes, gunshots to the face, axes to the back, folks crushed by debris, strangulations, lootin’, rape, catacombs, tsunamis, gals buried under dead babies, gang violence, bars through legs, body part theft, sacred ground hideaways, shots in the back, and -duh!- earthquakes! 4/5!

AIRBORNE (2012)

In this mile-high misfire that’s way more heist than horror, thieves hi-jack a British plane to steal an ancient vase they have no clue is carryin’ an evil that’s itchin’ to make someone the Anti-Christ. The escalation of danger is horribly off, the horror’s worked in like an after thought at the end, and Mark Hamill’s the star attraction, but he’s sparingly peppered in as an air traffic controller who loses his cool. The only sweets I can find in this soured disaster flick are a handful of accidental laughs  courtesy of some awkwardly shot moments. Possessions galore, self-inflicted head smashin’, gun shots to the gut, stabbin’s, body piles in baggage, mile-high club sexcapades, motor mouth passengers, plane crashes, government cover-ups, long-winded seniors, cursed objects, and possessions over the radio waves! 3/5! 

THE ALCHEMIST (1983)

A waitress and her frustrated hitchhiker are accidentally drawn into an immortal’s beastly curse deep within the woods and find themselves fightin’ and runnin’ from deluded lovers, interdimensional demons, and the lustin’ alchemist responsible for the whole mess. An interestin’ concept with leads exhibitin’ good chemistry, I would just like to see more monster action (especially with the cursed man) and the relationship between the waitress and the immortal developed further. Stabbin’s, impalements, black out drivin’, demons on the hunt, men cut in half, off screen transformations, fatal rapid agin’, interdimensional travels, and graveyard romances! 3/5! 

ALICE IN MURDERLAND (2010)

It’s Alice’s 21st birthday, and her sorority bimbos want to throw her a Wonderland themed birthday party in the same dump her mama was slashed in decades earlier. The questionable party is a bust, however, until a party crasher dressed as a discount Jabberwocky starts snicker-snackin’ them one by one. Cheaply shot with sub-standard actin’ pretty much sums up this borderline Z-grade flick, but it does tell a comprehensive story with some nice eye candy in slutty Wonderland costumes from the dollar bin. Stabbin’s, nieces awkwardly flirtin’ with their creep uncles, Mad Teachers, Bitches of Hearts, Caterpillars turned butterflies, Cheshire Bimbos, Playboy Rabbits, Tweedledumb & Dumber, no boobs, and pool parties! 2/5!

ALIEN ARESENAL (1999)

Two geeky best friends discover a vault of e,t, firepower in their school’s basement and live out superhero fantasies zappin’ their bullies into oblivion before the sci-fi toys’ original owners fly back to Earth to reclaim it. The unofficial second sequel to Laserblast, this watered down version of Star Wars meets Rebel Without a Clue is shot on the fast and cheap but makes up for it with good actors, a few surprises, and (unlike its predecessors) actual enemies for the leads to fight. Only complaint would be how string bean the heroes look in their super suits of space armor and the seasick camerawork. Reverse zapped bullies, locker-room scares, rave disguised e.t. triplets with black light eyes, Halloween mask e.t.s, explosions, mankind extermination attempts, CGI spaceships, nerdy transitions, hot tomboys, x-ray specs, and sci-fi walkies! 3/5! 

ALIEN COVENANT (2017)

In this sequel to Prometheus, a colony ship on its way to the promised land is tempted to take a detour to an uncharted planet with a habitable atmosphere, and its crew of space pioneers discover Shaw and David’s ship from the previous flick ‘fore fallin’ prey to the very first breed of Xenomorphs. Well paced action with top shelf special effects, this suspenseful chapter in the Alien series is balls to the wall mayhem once it gets goin’ and satisfies on all fronts with the exception of a strong lead. It can be argued David or his android doppelganger provide the story’s point of view, but the human crew lacks any emotional anchors and are relegated to bein’ a likeable hodge podge of disposable characters I hate to see killed in the most horrific ways. A great watch overall that stirs up some deep philosophical questions, I hope to see a follow-up with ‘nother sequel. Butthole coconut spores, body horror massacres, ear and lung invadin’ spores, impaled hands, severed fists, acidic blood, chest and back bursters, anatomy art, e.t. invasions, twin switcheroos, deadly flutes, android on android lip lockin’, inferno pods, deep space funerals, explodin’ spaceships, blood vomitin’, face meltin’, fatal squishin’, decapitatin’, face fuckin’, and bloody showers with boobs! 4/5!

ALIEN OPPONENT (2010)

It’s the Cannonball Run of campy e.t. horror as a yokel town of rednecks take their chances ‘gainst a space wrecked alien and his sci-fightin’ toys to retrieve a rich hick’s corpse from a junkyard for a hefty bounty. This low-budget flick starts off a bit slow, seesaws between awesome to passable effects, and is all over the place regardin’ which character’s story we’re even supposed to follow, but it’s so wildly dark and nutty with an ensemble of laughable yahoos ‘gainst forces that never stop bein’ surprisin’, we can’t help but love it as an instant guilty pleasure. CGI skin burrowin’ slugs, severed limbs, armored flamethrower attacks, junkbot guards, holographic robo-sharks, airborne hicks, hammers to the head, stabbin’s, face grilled Jessabelles, space ships, CGI floatin’ helper bots, TombRaider wannabes, cops cut in half, bullets to the head, sliced-up kiddie dojos, explosions, flyin’ crosses with knives, buzzsaw arms, husband huntin’ hitchhiker maids, clothed strippers, forcefields, awesome lookin’ e.t. in body armor, e.t.s versus high school sports teams, dog throwin’, dine and dashin’, dumb hick cheatin’, semi-zombies, bats to the noggin’, blood collectin’, and Roddy “Rowdy” Piper as an ass-kickin’ pastor who preaches, “Robots don’t go to heaven!” 4/5! 

ALIEN PARTY CRASHERS aka CANARIES (2017)

Time travelin’ e.t.s invade a small Welsh town and disrupt some yokels’ New Year’s Eve party with mutatin’ rain and a homicidal army of slicker wearin’ experiments in horrible need of a manicure. For somethin’ so epic involvin’ time travel, government conspiracies, and cross continent storytellin’, I don’t feel like a lot happens in this flick thanks to the slowburn escalation of danger the partiers experience. And as soon as the pace picks up, the movie ends with the filmmakers savin’ all the excitement for a sequel I ain’t holdin’ my breath to see. Despite that, however, the cast is pretty sweet with a bunch of funny personalities clickin’ together as a pretty entertainin’ ensemble that gives me a laugh. Party slashin’, e.t. experiments, e.t. fishermen hybrids, phones from the future, bodies fallin’ from the sky with spears, somethin’ to do with Vietnam, good-bye lines lifted from The Terminator, impaled faces, e.t. home invaders, and broken interplanetary treaties! 3/5! 

ALIENATOR (1990)

When a space criminal escapes his execution and runs to Earth, his jailers send a muscle bound android chick to finish the job and incinerate anyone who gets in the way. The biggest problem with this dumpster fire (besides its wardrobe department) is its competin’ stories between the political drama in space and RV cruisin’ yokels fightin’ E.Ts on Earth. The two were too loosely related to share as much screen time as they did, and it’s a little silly that every alien race looks like Earthlings. I would have stuck to the battlefield Earth plot and worked the Terminator/Predator spoof in a lot faster and harder. Human matchsticks, E.Ts at the pettin’ zoo, prison collars, metal net defenses, decapitations with axes, incinerated heads, hysterical hysteria, crossbows to the head, bullet proof can-cans, spaceshipwrecks, bloody lightsabers through men’s chests, and P.J. Soles wears shirts with the boobs cut out! 2/5!

ALL HALLOWS EVE (2013)

In this poor man’s Pumpkinhead, a lonely janitor gets pissed when the oldest lookin’ college students EVER beat him up and trash his shitty scarecrow, leavin’ him no choice but to enchant the straw man with dark magic that turns him into a Halloween assassin. This is borderline Z-movie trash but offers a pretty descent story with so-so actin’, covered-up eye candy, and respectable gore and effects that include a stop-motion pumpkin headed booger in the final act that’s not to be missed. Axes to the face, costume parties, party tunes stuck on repeat, boilin’ showers, decapitations, monster chases, killer scarecrows, human matchsticks, heart rippin’, nose yankin’, fists through heads, and the dumbest death on a ladder! 3/5! 

ALL HALLOW’S EVE: OCTOBER 30TH (2015)

This slapped together mess from the shithouse that’s Gravitas Ventures is so bad, I didn’t even bother finishin’ it! We spend over 20 ass scratchin’ minutes settin’ up some backwoods pedophile’s story before even playin’ the openin’ credits, then jump ahead 20 years with a bunch of ass hats tryin’ to shoot an indie horror in the unhappy pedophile’s neck of the woods. The cinematography is okay enough, but the script and editin’ is so bad and confusin’, I just couldn’t lose anymore brain cells to it. There’s somethin’ about murdered young’ns, evil sons, kitty sacrifices . . . maybe some witches? But the worst offense that insults me the most are characters’ reactions to things like when the aged kiddie perv grabs one of the filmmakin’ gals by the throat. Nobody rushes to help her, and she’s even laughin’ while this irate stranger is near-stranglin’ her. What the fuck?! Avoid this soulless “Halloween” flick at all costs! 2/5!

ALL THAT WE DESTROY (2019)

In a near future, the world’s most understandin’ mama helps her disturbed son curb his homicidal outbursts by repeatedly clonin’ his first victim for therapeutic murder sessions ’til a nosy flirt next door throws a monkey wrench into everythin’. A fresh and interestin’ concept for a sci-fi/horror flick, Israel Broussard does a great job pullin’ off an emotional hole of an apathetic psycho for professor mom to keep in check. I have a lot of issues with her basically encouragin’ the very behavior she’s tryin’ to break her son of, but its a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart I hear, so I guess I’ll just chalk all her irrational decisions to bein’ a lovin’ parent who’d never turn her back on a bad seed. Slime bath clonin’, head slammin’ galore, stabbin’s, clone manipulation, and sadistic doodles! 3/5! 

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)

A black box theater presents an anthology of holiday horrors on Christmas, but we’re luckily shown the cinematic interpretations of each short to make it to the take it or leave it endin’. All in all, this ain’t a bad way to spend bein’ scared of Christmas, but there’s not a lot to take away from it since everything’s presented as pure fiction a bunch of yahoos are strugglin’ to sit through. The shorts are creative none the less, but I’ve seen several of them done better when watchin’ YouTube Red’s 12 Deadly Days. Weirdo stares, Rudolph-Vision, tinsel snortin’, out of body experiences, E.T. Christmas guests, Twilight Zone nods, office parties gone Saw, throat slittin’, suicides, cursed vans, clingy demons, Scrooge parodies, roadkill reindeer, dark spirits, booby trap yankee swap, and bullets to the head! 3/5!

ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE (2017)

When the sun goes down in the Florida boonies, bare-ass monsters tear through the woods for a blood drenched meal and close in on a remote house full of fun seekin’ partyers and prison escapees. Part vampire, part zombie, all ’80s nostalgia, this flick captures the low-budget fun of a creature feature from the heyday of practical effects and synth scores with cringe worthy gore and animated characters. I only wish things could have been bigger with more monster scenes, more WTF moments, and more comic relief to keep the film from takin’ itself too seriously at times. Mad props to actor Doo-Doo Brown for remindin’ us of a young Samuel Jackson. Jaw rippin’, hair pullin’, arm bittin’, monstrous jailbreaks, hickville surgeries that’s scarier than any monster, useless authorities, severed arms, fun with shrooms, Native American legends, finger bittin’, geezer ass, monstrous transformations, axe fightin’, and the most in your face monster birth EVER committed to celluloid! 3/5! 

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (2016)

Santa’s coming to town, and he’s whacking off dicks and mutilating boobs with garden shears! When a young woman comes back to her hometown, little does she know she’ll be getting caught up in her mannequin humpin’ neighbor’s fucked up family drama as her loony bin fugitive for a son hacks people up so his mom can help replace his dick she originally snipped off. This flick’s shot on the cheap, but has slightly above average acting, plenty of creepy WTF ideas, and does a great job keeping the scenes filled with the Christmas spirit. Everything seems random and non-sense at first, but if you stick it out to the end, it all comes together. Sex mannequins, girls in cages, spanking dicks, severed dicks, cats on dicks, bag of dicks, unexpected alliances, death through doors, back stabbings, and pelted Santas! 3/5!

ALLIGATOR (1980)

After a little’s girl’s pet gator’s flushed down the drain, she’s reunited with it years later as it emerges from Chicago’s polluted sewers as a flesh hungry beast of gargantuan size the whole police force has gotta put down. Arguably the best ‘gator movie out there, this is a well paced creature feature that keeps the action rollin’, the gore flowin’, and the monster footage at just the right suspension of disbelief without savin’ all the good stuff ’til the very end like Jaws. I love all the monstrous mayhem in downtown Chicago with hunts through its labyrinth of underground tunnels and was impressed with how a young’n bein’ accidentally marched into the gator’s chops hit me harder than any of this thing’s dog deaths. Severed arms and legs galore, fishin’ for body parts, sewer chases, attempted psycho-bombers, explosions, political garden party massacres, mangled politicians, crushed cars, monster eruptin’ sidewalks, gator wrestlin’, male pattern baldness, evil corporations pollutin’ the wildlife into bigger mutant critters without knowin’ it, inappropriate teasin’ over a fellow cop’s death on the job, science animal testin’, dogs with snipped vocal cords, boobs ‘tween the sheets, pits full of dead pets, and pirate lovin’ young’ns unknowingly walkin’ planks into gator infested pools! 4/5!

ALLIGATOR 2: THE MUTATION (1991)

Thanks to a crooked realtor subplot, toxic waste is dumped in the city sewers and accidentally creates a Jaws emergency with a big-ass mother of a mutant gator lookin’ to gobble up a nearby fair on the lake ‘less a pair of cops can drop it dead with the help of Cajun mercenaries. Apples and oranges when compared to the original, I much prefer the grit of the first flick with all its boilin’ tension punctuated by dark humor, but this sillier sequel still manages to deliver respectable entertainment thanks to decent castin’ and special effects. I might enjoy this more if it trimmed the fat of pointless side characters, focused more on the threat of the mutated gator than the yahoo responsible fer it, and make the dialogue sound a little less Abbot and Costello. Hunters and fishermen turned gator bait, explodin’ critters, bomb swallowin’, public murders on a ferris wheel, car flippin’ fatalities, bettin’ doormen, country club wrasslin’, sewer tunnel chasin’, fairground massacres, tail thwappin’, severed legs, and hobo eatin’! 3/5! 

ALLIGATOR X aka XTINCTION: PREDATOR X (2014)

After a mad Louisianan scientist resurrects a dino-gator, breedin’ its species is the next step so long as his ex-wife and local swamp authorities don’t stop him and his hillbilly henchmen. A SyFy Channel original, this ain’t all bad, but far from good with lackluster cinematography and horrible dialogue the actors have to deliver in the most forced ways. The CGI dino-gator’s alright, and Supernatural fans will get a kick out of Mark Sheppard playin’ its creator. Explosions, kidnappin’, shirtless gals, swamp folks turned gator food, SeaWorld performin’ dino-gators, egg-citin’ endin’s, and sci-fi henchbillies! 3/5!

ALONE IN THE DARK (1982)

The A-Team’s Howlin’ Mad Murdock is the newest doctor at Donald Pleasence’s loony bin without bars, and four of the craziest inmates ain’t happy ’bout it. So when a city-wide blackout unleashes their homicidal hate upon a loot happy public, they stock up on weapons and head for the good doc’s house to kill him and his family. A really good flick from New Line Cinema’s heyday, this movie is electric with quirky characters, an interestin’ situation, rockin’ tunes, and a high production value overall. The only sour for me is the story’s escalation takin’ a dip when the crazies’ attack takes roughly two days instead of one long night. Stabbin’s, pyro preachers, pedophile brutes, crossbows unbelievably pinnin’ folks off their feet to trees, nose bleedin’ Jason wannabes, literal backstabbin’, babysitter boobs, killers under the bed, folks strangled off their feet, motion sensor confinement, rock concerts, and a young Lin Shaye! 4/5!

ALTAR (2016)

Finally, a found footage flick from the point of view of Aspergers, but this quirky spin on a worn out formula is about the only thing that makes it stand out from every other Blair Witch wannabe. After we invest in a couple of newly weds who are slashed in the first few minutes, we start over with an autistic filmmaker who’s dragged along by his older sister to rough it in the mountains with her class reunion. Without wastin’ any time, the circle of classmates get lost in the wilderness and disturb a remote altar that releases a Party City lookin’ ghoulette the last few minutes of the movie to fuck with them. While the cast manages to keep you engage for the duration of the movie, the horror is a forced and done at an irregular pace, the tension’s scattered, and the movie just ends without any real resolution that leaves me cursin’ the screen. Axe wieldin’ strangers, Christmas lit altars, safety dances, possessions, stabbin’s, accidental executions, fun with the Bo-cam, and one supernatural zombie-lookin’ creature! 3/5!

ALTITUDE (2010)

A rookie pilot offers to fly her classmates to a concert, never suspectin’ her oddball boyfriend’s fear of heights triggers a Twilight Zone power to bend reality and manifest H.P. Lovecraft beasts to chase them. I was hesitant to watch this at first, knowin’ the whole movie would be on this one little plane, but the filmmakers do a great job keepin’ the tension up with lively characters fightin’ over how to handle one disastrous situation after another while strugglin’ to figure out what the hell’s even happenin’. Flyin’ tentacle monsters, bullies at 20, 000 feet, phantom planes, plane wrecks, fatal freefalls, the first half-mulligan I’ve ever seen, mile high green screen stunts, and a wrestlin’ jock we love to hate! 3/5!

THE AMBULANCE (1990)

Eric Roberts falls in love with a random chick on the street and risks life, limb, and workin’ at Marvel with Stan Lee to find out where a bogus ambulance kidnaps her for underground diabetes tests. A slick movie packed with dynamic lightin’, kinetic editin’, and subtle slapstick, this flick keeps up an impressive momentum that Eric’s quirky but likeable actin’ only enhances. I appreciate how the story avoids the expected scenario with Eric as the victim escapin’ a bogus hospital and switches things up with him solvin’ the mystery on the run, makin’ this a chase flick with substance. Only problem I have with this whole thing is Eric’s hair, zero kills related to his quest for gettin’ laid, and the whole diabetes plot fallin’ a little flat. Bad milk, junkyard gang violence, club chaos, bogus cops and docs, Archie comic nods, Stan Lee cameos, sidebar murders, Archie-like fliers, sinister soap stars, antique writers, nurses strangled with nightsticks, gunfights, hit and runs, kidnappin’, hilarious endin’s, speedin’ gurneys, fatal freefalls off cliffs, wall bustin’ ambulances, and possibly my favorite James Earl Jones role of all time! 4/5! 

AMERICAN FRIGHT FEST (2018)

After a loony bin bus wrecks, a couple of its homicidal passengers find their way to a Halloween attraction at an abandoned asylum and slaughter clueless folks who think they’re part of the act. Brought to us by fuckin’ Gravitas Ventures, who has an amazin’ track record for films that fail to deliver on promisin’ stories, this movie is no different. It’s shot well enough with decent actin’, but there’s no mystery to the villains, no central character to root for, the pacin’s all out of whack, and built-up moments are executed at all the wrong times. Shrooms, booger sugar galore, dwarf violence, stabbin’s, impalin’, axe wieldin’ maniacs, gun totin’ psychos, electrocutions, carny executions, finger choppin’, backroad fender benders, boobs, throat slittin’, chainsaws, and head smashin’! 2/5!

AMERICAN SCARECROW (2020)

A hard-up construction company’s clearin’ out a farmhouse their bank just possessed and are slowly attacked by its previous resident, an indestructible war vet Uncle Sam help create whose outfit barely qualifies him as a scarecrow. The story details need ironin’ out, the sound ain’t always the best, and the camerawork could be smoother, but the filmmakers exhibit ‘nough talent through these technical shortcomin’s to pull together a decently entertainin’ flick with ‘nough likable characters to keep me engage ’til the death count finally starts pickin’ toward the end. Definitely interested in seein’ what these folks behind the camera work on next. Severed hands, impalement, boobs in the bedroom, toilet bowl shoppin’, squatter orphans, super human matchsticks, a blip of the Christmas season, and underage hitchhikin’! 3/5! 

AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (2017)

After a teen rebel’s family moves into Amityville’s infamous haunted house, the evil within moves into her brain dead twin on life support and possesses him to shake off the bed sores and pick up a shotgun. The first semi-official sequel/reboot to the original series from Amityville Horror to Amityville: Dollhouse, this story introduces a novel concept that breathes new life into the series and expands upon the evil’s mythos. But despite a strong idea and solid cast, this flick is ultimately harmed by heavy edits that make it feel a little hollow and a hodge podge of scenes as opposed to a escalatin’ horror movie with fluid transitions. CGI flies, nasty bed sores, possessions, shotgun deaths, magic circles, bad basements, mad moms, dead dogs, and meta movie nights with characters watchin’ the original James Brolin Amityville and its remake! 3/5!

THE AMITYVILLE TERROR (2016)

Nothing to do with the initial run of Amityville Horror movies from MGM, a family unknowingly moves into a haunted house in Amityville where the locals regularly sacrifice tenants to the evil inside so it doesn’t come after them. Better than most recent horror movies trying to ensure a buck on the Amityville name, this was wonderfully written in the same vein of the first films, bringing it the closest to a legit sequel since Amityville: Dollhouse if it had only made the effort to tie everything to the original Amityville house somehow. Burning baths, painting in the nude, dirt bikin’ last girls with crossbows, mean girls, mechanics on fire, accidental incest, horny landlords, crystal fists, airborne new agers, decapitations, eye impalements, fugly possessions, blood and gardens, and cabbage patch kid births! 3/5! 

AMSTERDAMNED (1988)

A pissed off scuba diver goes on a grisly killin’ spree, yankin’ whoever he can into the polluted canals of Amsterdam, and only a single super cop dad has any chance of stoppin’ him. A who-dunnit slasher with ‘nough gore to separate it from yer average crime thriller, this European cop drama’s a little long at ’bout two hours, but made well ‘nough to keep my attention with well paced action and unintentional side splitters like a dork teenager bein’ dubbed with a voice that could belong to Superman. I think the biggest sour this flick pulls is wastin’ our time with suspects for the killer, just to reveal he’s some random yahoo at the last second. Steppin’ in cat food, chicken carvin’ close-ups, scuba-vision, deflated rafts, decapitations, dead boobs, hooker hangin’, wannabe psychics, cake smooshin’, attempted bakery robbin’, motorcycle chases, speed boat chases, harpoon suicides, handsy taxi-drivers, seances, graphic canal tours, sewer chases, and gun shots to the face! 3/5! 

AMUSEMENT (2008)

An adaptable killer hunts down a group of girls he knew from elementary school, and rounds them up in a warehouse for some dark but lackluster fun and games. Beautifully shot with some pretty decent acting and slick editing, this film unfortunately fell flat thanks to the script which couldn’t decide if it was an anthology or not. We have an underdeveloped backstory, nonsensical plot developments, characters we can’t really get behind, and a forgettable villain who could have been captivating in more creative hands. Suspicious convoys, Hellraisered critters in boxes, girls sewn in beds, gag dissections, the saddest “distinct” villain laugh, killer sound systems, random asylums or whatever this one damn unexplained location is, and the most “better you than me” last girls I’ve ever seen! 2/5! 

ANACONDA (1997)

A documentary on the Amazon is majorly derailed when the filmmakers rescue a stranded poacher who manipulates ’em into huntin’ larger than life anacondas for a dangerous payday. This river monster movie is a little more action than scares as far as tone is concerned but none the less delivers plenty of upscale entertainment with a boat full of soon-to-be-megastars gettin’ fatally squeezed by mechanical CG nope ropes. The moment that will forever sum up the cheeky charm this sucker exudes for me has gotta be Jon Voight’s silly death wink after the anaconda hocks him up like a foul tastin’ loogie. Awesomely unforgettable cheese. Head twistin’, snake-o-vision, explosions, flamin’ snakes, bone crushin’, drownin’, stranglin’ with legs, poisonous wasp snacks, punctured windpipes, on the fly surgeries, wild boar snipin’, baby snakes, finger bitin’, panicked suicides, boat wreckin’, monkey snipin’, anaconda fishin’, waterfall escapes, snake gullet-o-vision, booby trappin’, and tranq shootin’! 4/5! 

ANACONDAS: TRAIL OF BLOOD (2009)

Runnin’ with the aftermath of the last sequel’s plot, gangs of folks with different agendas are huffin’ it through the boonies of Romania and eventually cross paths at an experimental camp where a cartoon snake of abnormal size has escaped and can heal from any fatal wound they deal it. A lukewarm creature feature from the Sci-Fi channel that’s best suited fer passin’ a rainy afternoon, the plot’s a little all over the place with competin’ clicks of characters complicatin’ a plot that’s already bogged down with baggage from the last flick’s story. Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat) easily steals the spotlight as my favorite character fightin’ fer his life ‘gainst thugs and super CG snakes, but even his charmin’ screen presence can’t compensate fer half-hearted filmmakin’! Folks ripped in two, blood orchid garden, super snake serums, cave-ins, arm rippin’, gunfire executions, kidnappin’, explodin’ deaths, snake-o-vision, folks swallowed whole, super healin’ action, explodin’ reptiles, stabbin’s, head rippin’, and cartoony chases! 3/5! 

ANIMAL (2014)

Young hikers cross paths with the wrong kind of wildlife in the mountains and hold-up Evil-Dead style with other victims in a roomy cabin. Beautifully shot, captivating performances, and one bad-ass monster, this Chiller original’s only flaw is that its script was basic monster movie 101 with a lot of cliché story developments and hackneyed twists and scares. Gut munching, vehicular monster slaughter, surprise pregnancies, just desserts, mercy head bashings, basement lairs, fire traps, bromance secrets, fighting last girls, and monsters that need no explanation for where they came from! 3/5!

ANIMAL AMONG US (2019)

A writer is invited to the re-openin’ of an infamous camp with unsolved murders that inspired his hit novel but finds out there’s more to the story as he arrives in time to help the staff hunt for a big foot-like creature whose capture could reveal a lotta secrets and agendas for the worse. This all starts well ‘nough with a quasi- likable hero strollin’ into an apparent monster movie, but it unfortunately breaks down into a bit of an overthought mess at the end that tries bein’ too clever for its own good to defy audience’s expectations. And while it’s laughable how tough it is for the lead German actor to speak in a consistent American accent, I can’t root for him as the story’s hero when he’s selfishly cheatin’ on his prego wife with more than one woman. Makin’ out in the shower without boobs, Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, kidnappin’s, staged maulin’s, child beatin’s, mental murderers, gunshots to the chest, stabbin’s, women beatin’s, knock-out darts, ATV booties, maulin’s, blackmailin’, masked classrooms, and UFC fighter Don Frye as the camp’s resident bad-ass quotin’ some of the funniest tough guy lines I’ve heard in awhile! 3/5! 

ANNA (2017)

While mish-mashin’ Annabelle, Silent Hill, and Evil Dead 2 sounds like an awesome idea, it can also make for an awesomely bad movie. Two screwy friends (who I think are or want to be paranormal investigators) steal an evil doll from a haunted house attraction/supernatural museum (I really don’t know which) and try to prove the existence of ghosts/destroy the demon attached to it (again, I have no clue what their motivation is) resultin’ in a hellmouth’s worth of trouble with a vagina face woman out to get them. This is a wildly imaginative idea, but suffers from shit cinematography and sound, so-so actin’, a run-on story, and confusin’ locations with less context than the lead characters have for why they’re doin’ any of this. Happy bicycle thefts, magic rituals in the buff, invisible yankin’, mud/shit holes, footprint wall art, spooky TVs, misinformed hookers, wheelchair bound psychics, female sacrifices, goth boys, possessed dolls, some kind of arts and crafts monster, naked witches without boobs, and scissor stick weapons! 2/5! 

ANNA 2 aka DEVIL’S FAIRGROUND (2019)

The yahoos from Anna are back, and make just a little more sense than before. Teamin’ up with a competin’ gang of ghost hunters, an amatuer exorcism tips Specs and Pecs off to a haunted fairground where an evil tree is infectin’ their nowhere town with – well – evil. They take it upon themselves to storm the grounds and destroy it, but get separated right away and stretch this shit show beyond my tolerance with a bunch of non-sense vignettes that’s better served as music video fodder for garage horror bands. The cinematography undercuts the tension, only half the cast can act, the same shitty sound engineer musta returned from the last flick, there’s no tree much less much of a fairground versus a haunted attraction in its off season, I can barely tie one scene to ‘nother as far as the narratives concerned, and why the hell didn’t they just burn the place down to begin with if that’s ‘nough to take care of the problem? Best part is Pecs draggin’ his buddy with broken legs ’round. Saran wrapped spook chasers, catchin’ ghosts with bags and sticks, demonic possessions, hand puppet monsters, bug-eyed hamburger face demonoids, airborne ghost hunters, informative ghost films, and folks dragged ’round galore! 2/5! 

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (2017)

Anna rolls out of bed to a walkin’ dead Christmas and joins other teen survivors to sing and dance their way ‘cross town to safety. While it’s a unique idea to mishmash zombies with a Christmas musical, that’s where the interest ends for me. The songs aren’t catchy, the kills leave me snoozin’, the humor’s so-so, and Anna’s such a bore, I wish the star was her more interestin’ classmate Steph, the well-meanin’ gal everyone pisses on. She has spunk and a relatable complexity that makes her the sweetest part of this whole song-and-dance misstep. Decapitations, school of dead knocks, Christmas tree mazes, baseball bat beatin’s, flesh chompin’, talent shows, head smashin’ with bowlin’ balls, bowlin’ alley brawls, zombie pissin’, inflatable pool disguises, crawlin’ amputees, survival selfies, self-sacrifices, stabbin’s galore, big-ass candy cane beatdowns, weaponized teeter totters, and grannies kickin’ the bucket! 3/5! 

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019)

The second sequel to a spin-off of The Conjuring that falls who-knows-where in the continuity of director James Wan’s movie-verse, Annabelle the evil doll escapes her day job as a haunted prop in the Warren’s museum of cursed oddities and raises some PG-rated hell sicin’ a houseful of spooks and demons after her captors’ daughter and sitter’s souls. This flick ain’t as violent or creepy as the last Annabelle movie and periodically drags from time to time , but it’s still a fun little feature full of likable characters and ghostly threats that feels like an episode of the Real Ghostbusters. Possessed bridal gowns, attempted stabbin’, ghostly visions, sinister shadows, soul suckin’, hell hounds, zip body count, future broadcastin’ TVS, haunted piano tunes, angry ghost dads, gangs of eerie ferry men who seem to be payin’ folks to ride with ’em versus the other way ’round, supernaturally locked doors, gravely lynch mobs, birthday parties, haunted samurai armor, school bullies, spooky nether regions, handsy board games that take too long to be executed in lackluster ways, and possibly the first exorcism ever performed through a home movie recordin’! 4/5!

ANNABELLE: CREATION (2017)

A bus load of orphans shack up in a doll maker’s rural home and one of them is creeped the fuck out by a demonic’ presence out to get her through an unsettlin’ doll. This Conjuring related flick is better than I expected, surprisin’ me with some pretty gory moments when I was only prepared to be spooked by a mix bag of sound effects and a strategically edited score. The characters are compellin’ but make some unbelievably dumb decisions, the endin’ ties into the beginnin’ of the first Annabelle movie, and there’s some nice demonic visualizations that remind me of things I’ve seen in Real Ghostbusters. Possessions, tricky demons, roadkill young’ns, games of Ring around the well, holy traps, double jointed fingers, monstrous transformations, scary bed sheets, trippy photos, disfigured doll women, evil scarecrows, pop gun defenses, folks ripped in half and crucified, and we learn demons can’t get you in the top bunk! 4/5!

ANTHROPOPHAGUS aka THE GRIM REAPER aka THE SAVAGE ISLAND (1980)

A deranged cannibal washes up on the shores of a remote Greek island and manages to eat or scare everyone off without much of a fight, ’til he sets his blood thirsty sites on a yacht full of yahoos givin’ a girl a lift to his ghost town. This is a pretty borin’ spaghetti horror that’s mostly a buncha semi-interestin’ folks pissin’ the time away with ‘lotta wanderin’ through creepy houses and eerie streets. The only reason anyone still talks ’bout this snooze fest, is for a couple of infamous moments that made it one of the original video nasties. The cannibal eatin’ a newborn fetus like a danish after he yanks it outta screamin’ prego, and when he stuffs his face with his own spillin’ guts after a fight. Blood cloud waters, butcher knives to the face, blind girls hidin’ in wine barrels, super smell, secret rooms full of corpses, suicidal hangin’s, childbirth death, dead pregos, buckets full of decapitated heads, fatal neck bitin’, roof attacks, well chases, cuts to the gut, stabbin’s, origin flashbacks, and terrible tarot card readers! 3/5!

ANTS aka IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR (1977)

Angry poisonous ants rebel against a construction site digging up their home and attack residents in a hotel next door. A TV movie doing the best it can with very little effects, this nature gone bad flick has a decent enough story and characters, but no crazy ant scenes, gore, or giant bug action. One great scene at the end sure to make your skin crawl though! Men buried alive, fatal freefalls, ants in the kitchen, gasoline fire moats, dumpster divin’ young’ns, hag helicopter lifts, airborne ants, restroom make-out sessions, ants in bed with Susanne Somers, quiet games with ants, and lessons in making things worse before they can get better. 3/5!

ANTS ON A PLANE aka DESTINATION: INFESTATION aka DEADLY SWARM aka SWARM (2007)

Folks flyin’ to the states from South America get majorly grossed out when a fellow passenger bursts open with genetically enhanced bullet ants, and it’s up to the air marshal and an emotionally dead milf to save the day with fire extinguishers. The biggest thin’ I find wrong with this TV movie (other than it’s by the Ruin My Lifetime Network) is everyone havin’ vastly different reactions to the threat of the ants. The passengers loose their shit anytime they see a creepy crawly, the heroes practically stand on top of ground zero for all the bug activity without a lick of concern, and air officials on the ground are like, “You got folks droppin’ dead from ants on the plane? Grab a jar of peanut butter and keep to your flight schedule.” Most bafflin’ scene is when bystanders shove a swarmed passenger back in the restroom to die after they just saved the pilot from a similar attack. Ants crawlin’ out of every hole in a person’s head, chest burstin’ ants, explodin’ planes, flare gun attacks, disruptive drunks, ambush ants, baby sacrificin’ strategies, and a dog you never see ’til the very end who the heroes adopt without stoppin’ to ask whose it is! 3/5!

APOLLO 18 (2011)

In this found footage period piece, a gang of astronauts are on a top secret mission to snatch more chunks of the moon for Nasa’s rock collection, but they end up discoverin’ the galaxy’s original pet rock — a buncha killer space spiders in disguise! Not a lot to say ’bout this one. While the filmmakers do a fine job makin’ this look and feel like vintage recordings from the ’70s, it barely has ‘nough character to make me care what happens to any of the astronauts. It’s pretty straight forward and comes ‘cross more like a student film exercise for special effects. And I’m no expert, but I didn’t think the moon had as much gravity as this outer space horror suggests. Lift offs, offscreen crashes in orbit, parasitic removals, cosmonaut corpses, infections, and cg boogers explodin’ outta folk’s faces! 3/5! 

APOSTLE (2018)

When a cult from a remote island kidnaps a fat cat’s daughter for ransom, her hardened brother comes to the rescue and learns the community’s dark secrets stemmin’ from their worship of a blood guzzlin’ tree goddess they keep shackled in a shed. This period piece horror is a visual masterpiece that keeps me on the edge of my bar stool with grippin’ tension that never lets up. Packed with top notch production and talent, the only thin’ I can fault it for is the confusin’ relationship between the cult leaders and their goddess regardin’ who’s helpin’ who how and what’s motivated by greed versus praise. Plus, what’s the deal with the twig-face henchman in the shed, and who’s he workin’ for?! Blood jars, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, human pin cushion with spears, noggin’ drillin’ torture racks, slaughtered pregos, lambs thrown overboard, cave crawlin’, ravenous witches, severed fingers, bunny murder, dungeons, kidnappin’s, girls in boxes, skin brandin’, bumpin’ uglies in a boat without boobs, blood hungry foliage, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

AQUASLASH (2019)

While a graduating class of high school horn dogs cap off their senior year with a weekend long party at their local waterpark motel, someone with an axe to grind booby traps one of the slides for a buncha wet ‘n wild deaths! A valiant effort at bein’ a memorable horror flick, this whodunnit summer slasher has all the ingredients for makin’ somethin’ special, but ultimately ends up a poorly set-up punchline that’s more recycled teen comedy antics from the ’80s than horror. This could have been a real winner if the filmmakers escalated the danger with more than one chop suey waterslide from beginnin’ to end and wrote a killer whose motives made any sense. Stabbin’s, fatal freefall, slice ‘n dice massacre slides, head smashin’ with bottles, nookie in the shower, bikini car washes, embarassin’ dance offs, sleazy affairs, graphic lobster dinin’, and concert crashin’ beat downs! 2/5! 

ARACHONQUAKE (2012)

When offscreen earthquakes shake up New Orleans, a womanizin’ slacker of a tour guide’s gotta take charge and rescue his busload of yahoo tourist from a cartoon swarm of fire-breathin’ spiders creepy crawlin’ out the cracks. A solid TV movie for Syfy, this is a damn entertainin’ flick with a fun ensemble of characters runnin’ non-stop through Louisiana while encounterin’ a steady escalation of danger that builds from itty bitty critters to sky scrapper size mama spiders. I can forgive the cheesy special effects that’s essentially defined Syfy creature features, but it’s harder for me to overlook all of Edward Furlong’s scenes feelin’ unnecessarily tacked on as a non-consequential side story. Dead gators, fatal freefalls, Deep Blue Sea hero speeches, airborne bimbos, eyeball suckin’, neck and shoulder poppin’ spider-egg babies, infested chicken eggs, cartoon fires, Cajun rednecks with bazookas, military rescues, cartoon choppers, webslingin’, queen bugs, asthma emergencies, CGI gators vs spiders, tour bus chases, boat wrecks, bus wrecks, bug bashin’, milky bug guts, and scuba divin’ through buttholes! 4/5!

ARMY OF THE DAMNED (2013)

Small town cops respond to a 911 call in suburbia and find themselves in the middle of a demon possessin’ massacre that only gets worse with every new wave of law officials endin’ up mutilated vessels of violence for evil. While there’s sours like choppy editin’, so-so actin’, and a flimsy story with a severe lack of any character arc to care ’bout, this action horror luckily doesn’t take itself too seriously and keeps things fun without becomin’ a full blown comedy. The sweetest part is its distinguishable cast of quirky characters, the best ‘mong them bein’ a nutty gun tottin’ neighbor played by Michael Berrymen, and Tony Todd as a smug swat leader. Openin’ act boobs, wall crashin’, explodin’ heads, stabbin’s, dinner table massacres, dead young’ns, blindin’ light shows, black eye snapshots, ridiculous fourth wall breakin’ burlesque dances, laughable demonic cover-ups, bullets to the head, Godsmack songs stuck on repeat, possessions galore, gun fightin’ galore, Cops wannabe camera crews, explodin’ houses, and unsatisfyin’ endin’s! 4/5!

ARMY OF THE DEAD (2021)

Las Vegas has fallen to a zombie outbreak with its own hierarchy, and a gang of hired guns infiltrate their dystopia to nab a fat pay day from the ruins ‘fore the government nukes ’em all to kingdom come. Fun ‘nough to not feel like a restless two and half hour veg fest in front of my TV, this stylish romp from filmmaker Zack Snyder boasts an engagin’ ensemble of likable ass kickers and even manages to remarkably provide memorable zombies with a scene stealin’ king and queen of the walkin’ dead. The only sours I think this flick could’ve done without is the needlessly complicated plot twists toward the end when greedy backstabbin’ would’ve sufficed, and its downer of an endin’ with nobody gettin’ what they want. Zombie shootin’ galore, head pops galore, head splittin’, flesh tearin’, arm bitin’, head twistin’, safe crackin’, zombie test dummies for booby traps, microwaved hands, squishy deaths, explosive suicides, zombie horses, zombie tigers, face eatin’, helicopter fists fights, zombie fetuses, decapitation with wires, zombie nabbin’, bullets to the leg, big ass power saws, nuclear fireworks, helicopter crashes, sleepin’ dead, impalement, spearchuckin’, and formal inductions to the undead! 4/5! 

ARRIVAL (2016)

Aliens park a fleet of giant PedEggs above Earth, and language expert Amy Adams is racin’ to figure out what they want before world leaders decide to blow them out of the sky! This Oscar nominated film ain’t excitin’ or full of tension (or that many special effects for that matter), but this first encounter flick offers a pretty fair portrayal of how Earth might communicate with tentacle aliens comin’ in peace. Trippy flashforwards, disgruntled soldiers, lazy eyes, bombs, Rorschach languages, Willy Wonka elevators, dead kids, and 2 squids! 3/5!

THE ARRIVAL (1996)

Radio astronomer Charlie Sheen needs to justify getting the boot from his cushy satellite job after hearing an alien signal and finds himself in the middle of a Mexican conspiracy theory Al Gore warned us about! A little more thriller than I prefer, this film’s well made for it’s budget, keeps you engaged thanks to Charlie’s dorky performance, and gives you plenty of CGI ham effects by the third act. Hijacked satellites, secret agent gardeners, symposium crashers, e.t. facelifts, flexible legs, near fatal baths, airborne scorpions, bed scorpions, hit and runs, terraforming, CGI aliens, frosty defenses, e.t. young’ns, clean sweep e.t. balls, accident prone elevators, arms hacked with axes, and adventures in Mexico! 3/5!

THE ARRIVAL II: THE SECOND ARRIVAL (1998)

With Charlie Sheen passin’ on this sequel, his character is killed and leaves the burden of stopping aliens from runnin’ up Earth’s gas bill to his fictional slacker brother and a daring reporter. While the production value doesn’t match the first one, this flick’s quick to cut to the alien action, but sadly recycles all the ideas from the first movie with no new tricks. Clean sweep balls vs clean sweep balls, terraforming plant implosions, e.t. facelifts, CGI aliens, flexible legs, e.t. sex, e.t. neighbors, workers’ comp, mechanical bug assassins, financial warfare, heart attack cover-ups, and hologram maps! 3/5

ASTRO-ZOMBIES (1968)

One of those cult classics you gotta see to disbelieve, Astro-Zombies isn’t so much a horror as it is a government agent/spy flick with the CIA and criminals trying to get the drop on one another for Dr. John Carradine’s mad lab experiments, the Astro-Zombies. Obedient, undying, and solar powered, these iconic machete welding cyborgs barely have any screen time till the big finale in the last reel. In the meantime you’re subjected to epic wind-up robot wars, groovy topless dances, a lab assistant with his face stuck in mid-blink, and Carradine making sure he explains all the mumbo jumbo science to you step by step. 2/5!

MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (2004)

Witness 21st century filmmaking technology look like shit compared to 1960s movie-making in this sequel 30+ years in the making! Paper mache lizards invade Earth from a passing asteroid and unleash small groups of husky Astro-Zombies to stumble about and kill everyone in sight. Much like a wish gone horribly wrong, we get the Astro-Zombie action we wanted in the first one, but on a shoestring budget with the production value of an intermediate student film. Dr. John Carradine returns as a rubber prop, looong expositions scroll across the screen like a stock-market report, Brinke Stevens pretends to be Lois Lane, and Tura Satana chooses death over doing another Astro Zombie sequel.  2/5!

ASTRO-ZOMBIES M3:CLONED (2010)

Possibly the shiniest turd in this pile of shit, creator Ted V. Mikels sinks a little less as he brings the Astro-Zombies back with fairly decent characters and plot. The government is racing to round up what Astro-Zombies survived the last movie and attempt to clone them for culinary demonstrations . . . I mean, war! Area 51, redheads, drag queen assassinations, redheads, groovy 60s ninja babe outfits, redheads, boob hickies, redheads, feelings out of left field for characters you didn’t expect to like so much, and redheads. Seriously, Mikels must really love him some reds! 3/5!

ASTRO-ZOMBIES M4: INVADERS FROM CYBERSPACE (2012)

The Astro-Zombies graduate from lab experiments and alien minions to cyber trolls hacking redhead extras through their computer screens in this (fingers crossed) final sequel. Creator Ted V. Mikels exploits his newest tool in his filmmaking bag of cheap tricks and green screens the hell out of this movie! Turning his living room into the turd de France of Astro-Zombie world domination with this magic fabric, Mikels upgrades the Astro-Zombies with laser eyes and blow up poor folk like CGI water balloons! Starring more gingers than you can shake a light at, I’m convinced Mikels is farming them in a compound for repopulating the world following the next cataclysm. 2/5!

ASYLUM (2008)

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Government conspiracies turn a shark into a killer reactor with a toasty afterglow and a gang of Baywatch wannabes go above and beyond the call of beach duty to save swimmers from its pendin’ ka-boom. A gimmicky shark movie with a burnin’ bite, this is easily one of SyFy’s better TV movies. There’s a nice sweet mix of convincin’ characters you wanna see survive and get eaten, folks killed in ways I’ve never seen, and the shark effects ain’t half bad. Radioactive sea food, fiery flyboard meals, torched parasail deaths, explodin’ food critics, human matchsticks, live streamin’ shark attacks, drone rescues, atomic explosions, canister powered escapes, camera crew chum, evaporated lifeguards, government cover-ups, and Jeff Fahey is the captain now! 4/5!

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN (1958)

When a cheatin’ husband’s emotionally needy wife comes in contact with a giant radioactive man from space, she balloons to a jealous gargantuan on a mission to steal her man back from the claws of a hotel harlot. Semi-seriously presented silliness, this black and white classic does a great job settin’ up its players fer me to get invested in, but really botches the delivery on its promise of a rampagin’ lady of problematic proportions. Not only is she a pissed off eyesore for just a few scant minutes at the end of a measly hour runtime, the filmmakers humorously repeat the same 1-2 shots of her walkin’ everywhere, and with horrible blue screen effects that make her look like a gigantic ghost. Larger-than-life rubber hands, 30 ft transparent space invaders, spaceship balls runnin’ on stolen jewelry, hunchback lookin’ dances, public displays of horniness galore, attempted divorce, hotel smashin’, powerline explosions, fatal roof collapsin’, and butler brawlin’! 3/5! 

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985)

Survivors of a sunk ship wash up on a tropical island with rivers of acid and hundreds of tiny red skinned piranha-like savages wanting to eat them to the bone. An amazing amalgam of serious acting with some of the most comical cheap-ass puppeteering, this love it or hate it gem offers a moment or 2 of glorious gore but has very little plot. Savage spamming, melting faces, skeletons, pitfalls, berry diets, eyes in the night, puppet swinging wardrobes, head to toe meltdowns, airborne puppets, and delusional geezers! 3/5! 

ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES (1967)

If ya seen Invasion of the Saucer Men, you’ve seen Attack of the Eye Creatures. Nearly a blow by blow remake of the campy classic, this flick spins the same tale of horn dog teens and out of town opportunists beggin’ the police to shoot e.t.s they encounter in the boonies ’til they figure out they can defeat the rubber suit invaders with their cars’ headlights. Barely a step-up from the original with this sucker bein’ in color, I hoped it would at least offer more impressive lookin’ monsters, but they barely live up to the title as these bulbous marshmallow men with big honkin’ zippers in the back. They’re put to much better use in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini. Severed e.t. hands with minds of their own, teens parkin’, angry old farmers with shotguns, explodin’ UFOs, e.t. roadkills, executions by headlights, and balloon blowin’ breathalyzer tests! 2/5!

ATTACK OF THE MORNINGSIDE MONSTER (2014)

Someone in a bedazzled tribal mask is carvin’ up a small town’s criminals for soul food with a puny powertool, and the sheriff’s gotta figure out who it is. Shot on the cheap but decently acted, this is far from a terrible flick, but ain’t nothin’ stellar either. The gore’s respectable but leaves a lot to be desired, and after the killer’s revealed, one scene REALLY doesn’t make sense without a Fight Club twist bein’ added. Head bashin’, gunfire executions, organ yankin’, powertool operations, head gashes, a dumb endin’, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Nicholas Brendon co-stars! 2/5!

ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE (1963)

It’s Tokyo’s version of Gilligan’s Island as a boatload of yahoos are shipwrecked on a foggy island and peer pressure each other into eatin’ its fungi that turn ya into a cacklin’ mushroom mutant. I’ve heard folks pan this Toho flick for years, but it’s not as bad as they say. The cast is convincin’ enough, the sets provide an undeniably creepy atmosphere, and I haven’t felt this much forebodin’ dread since watchin’ Cabin Fever. Now, there’s plenty of opportunities to poke fun at the dialogue and actin’, but the real sour of this J-horror is the fact the full blown mushroom people ain’t seen until the last 15 minutes of the movie and for a criminally short amount of time. Funny thing is, they don’t even “attack” so much as corner and hug resistant shroomers like happy trippin’ hippies. The real “attackers” are the half mutated shipmates snatchin’ the remainin’ few to eat fungi or die. Fungus heads, small army of mushroom mutants, severed arms, songs with made up words, shroom trippin’ with nightclub montages, dancin’ contortionists, and rubber room confessions! 3/5! 

ATTACK OF THE UNKNOWN (2020)

A surprise e.t. invasion throws a monkey wrench in a SWAT team’s routine transport of a dangerous criminal ‘cross town, and they gotta decide if it’s worth the trouble seein’ it through. Mashin’ S.W.A.T. (2003) with Mars Attacks! sounds great on paper, but the filmmakers really fumbled the ball regardin’ the details in its execution that leaves this feelin’ like two different movies hard cut together. The invasion scenes take a backseat to the cop drama, important plot developments like the e.t.’s weakness are quickly dismissed, and several character buildin’ scenes and escalatin’ dangers seem out of place. Drug busts, cop killin’s, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, cops ‘n crooks gunfights, silly e.t. backstories that don’t pan out, 1950s lookin’ e.t. soldiers, flashback cameos with Tara Reid, cancerous blood defenses, and spaceship finales! 2/5!

THE ATTIC EXPEDITIONS aka HORROR IN THE ATTIC (2001)

This H.P. Lovecraft inspired film is about good horror actors trying to convince an unconvincing actor he’s full throttle crazy in a half-way crazy house, and reveal the whereabouts of a Necronomicon knock-off he hid after supposedly killing his girlfriend during a romantically dark ritual. A true Rubik’s cube of a plot you need a pen and paper to figure out, this complex film starts out strong but runs out of steam halfway through and puts you in a coma. Dizzying shots, crazy girl sex scenes, Jeffrey Combs once again plays an evil doctor over patients like Alice Cooper and Ted Raimi, and Seth Green possibly gives his best performance as a crazy man revealed to be an actor who’s actually possessed by an angry redheaded bitch ghost. 3/5!

AUTEUR (2014)

A mouth breather of a studio exec’s son with the interviewin’ skills of a 6th grader videos his hunt for his favorite horror director to see his unreleased disasterpiece on exorcisms, and after bein’ told to “GET OUT” umpteenth times, learns its production was plagued by a real demon the filmmaker summoned for authenticity. The premise has potential, but putrid polecats, this is some inane filmmakin’ with goofy actin’ that conveys all the wrong emotions, repetitive dialogue, glarin’ holes in story logic like the possessed girl’s hunt for the director, and the indecisive edits ‘tween this bein’ a found footage flick or not. Only part worth watchin’ is the bikini chick in the pool, and I laughed out loud when the fella plays the movie at the end (watchin’ the one and only exorcism scene we’ve already seen ‘nough of in flashback) randomly turns to a puff of smoke! 2/5! 

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016)

A father son duo of coroners double team a rush job cutting up a babe’s corpse the police are investigating and find themselves pissing off supernatural forces. A perfect example of a well executed suspense film, this flick keeps you guessin’ the corpse’s secret to the end, the family chemistry is near flawless, and you’ll never be more afraid of a bell ringin’! Just wish the endin’ could have had more to it. Dead cats, dead mice, corpses without faces, dead ringers, dissected girls, corpse boobs, bush, digested secrets, magic, axes to the face, fatal freefalls, voodoo-like spells, and dark and stormy nights! 3/5!

AVALANCHE SHARKS AKA SNOW SHARKS (2013)

Springbreak ski-bunnies head to the slopes to party but encounter a Native American curse that sicks snow swimming ecto-sharks on them. The filmmaker’s greatest sins were not knowing the meaning or importance of tension and transition. Unimaginative kills, brief CGShark action, less than decent acting, and characters feel forgotten about half the time. Stick with Ghost Shark! 2/5!

AWOKEN (2019)

A fella with fatal familial insomnia is gonna die if he doesn’t get some shut eye, so his dull witted medical student of a sis sticks him in a secret underground sleep lab with other slumberin’ oddities and slowly figures out he’s really possessed by a shit eatin’ grin demon responsible for killin’ their mama. This is one of ’em unfortunate low budget horrors that boasts nuggets of interestin’ ideas and an above average production value, but the script fails at providin’ realistically rash characters for me to invest in much less root for. Hangin’s, bone protrusions, Bible rippin’, exorcisms, VHS tapes full of exposition, family secrets, busted elevators, illegal medicines, and demonic mutterin’! 2/5!

AXEMAN aka AXEMAN AT CUTTER’S CREEK (2013)

A circle of hyper sexual asshole friends reunite for a bitchfest weekend at a remote cabin and are attacked by a local legend known as the Axeman (despite his prolific use of machetes and knifes). While the intent for a throwback ’80s slasher is sincerely felt with familiar set-ups and admirable deaths scenes, this indie flick’s unbalanced story structure and flat one note characters played to the extreme is what ultimately ruins it. Axeman plays like a sad man’s MTV teen drama filled with Troma inspired dialogue most the time with horror as an after thought, and the filmmakers seem to think a big clean cut guy with an axe is enough to be a scary killer. Worst part is how the horn dog friends build up all this sexual tension fallin’ over each other the whole movie like out of control nymphos, just to barely deliver a glimpse of side boob toward the end. Decapitations, guys cut in half, CGI blood spray, folks hacked to pieces, impalements, impossible killer throws, lesbo action, perverted fat guys, girls’ insides used as murder weapons, pointless robbery subplots, pussy white trash chasers, and Brinke Stevens turns a 180 performance as a hick sheriff! 2/5!