Screaming Soup!

R-RATED REVIEWS

So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!

Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

NEW

STAGE FRIGHT (1987)

A homicidal actor escapes his rubber room suite and coincidentally sneaks a ride to an all night rehearsal fer an edgy stage production where he casts himself as the play’s feature killer the Night Owl and goes all method on the cast and crew who meet grisly curtain calls. An overall solid flick with grit, this spaghetti slasher boasts sweet camera work, a foot tappin’ soundtrack, and some memorable pops of unexpected gore from the mascot lookin’ killer with bonus chuckles from the absurdity of the play ’bout rape and murder performed within the movie. What sours the fun, however, is how remarkably flat the story is with such a rich ensemble of characters reduced to nothin’ but a rinse repeat cycle o’ one note caricatures runnin’ from point A to B ’til the next run-in with the Night Owl. Folks cut in half with chainsaws, human matchsticks, drills through the chest, door smashin’, black cats galore, decapitatin’, arm severin’ with axes, key huntin’, loony bin escapin’, near fatal free fallin’, fatal stabbin’ galore, boobs in the dressin’ room, laugh out loud dummy stunts, dancin’ galore, chainsaw fightin’, eye stabbin’, and dead performance art! 4/5! 

PREDATOR: BADLANDS (2025)

Seekin’ revenge and his pop’s approval at the same time, the runt of a Predator clan wants to prove his worth by slayin’ the baddest beast in the galaxy on a planet full o’ monsters but unexpectedly finds himself in competition with an army o’ synths from the Alien franchise who wanna kill him as much as they wanna teach him the values of compassion and family. While this Disney-fied take on the Predator series dials its typical R-rated glory back to a more family friendly PG-13 with jokes and tenderness that actually has me carin’ fer the fugly e.t. hunter, it still manages to deliver a watch worthy sci-fi adventure with a satisfyin’ abundance of cartoon gore dished out ‘mong heavily mutilated robots and CG creatures. The story’s as enjoyable as any Predator yarn I’d read in a Dark Horse funny book, and Elle Fanning steals the show as the Predator’s bisected bot fer a yappy sidekick, my favorite scene of hers bein’ when her severed legs become unexpected assassins of death. Things do get a little too Guardians of the Galaxy toward the end when it seems the filmmakers might be teasin’ possible sequels that could follow this Predator’s team of rejects on more adventures through space, but hopefully we’ll keep hoppin’ ’round to other Predator’s stories. Head explodin’ toys, laser swords, flyin’ twirlers, flesh eatin’ tree tendrils, baby beasts, regeneratin’ mega-monsters, robot head smashin’ and stompin’, exo-frame fightin’, explodin’ critters, acid spittin’, lasers galore, paralyzin’ plants, razor sharp plains, head chompin’, tentacles with teeth, space ship crashin’ decapitatin’, cave fightin’, arm severin’, insta-freeze bombs, and loogies to the face! 4/5! 

BONE FACE (2025)

A buncha camp counselors are massacred by a masked killer called Bone Face, and the sheriff and his deputy’s somehow decide ‘yond the shadow of a doubt he’s hidin’ out at the diner next door and force everyone inside to sit tight ’til back-up comes or ’til they figure out which one of ’em is the slasher. A let down of a snoozefest, this sucker starts out the gate as a bad horror flick with alotta piss poor actin’ and splatter, but quickly turns into a tolerance testin’ murder mystery party performance as the last 95% of the runtime is nothin’ but these yahoos in the restaurant pointin’ fingers and yappin’ some pretty ridiculous dialogue that’s almost entertainin’. What’s worse is the payoff at the end ain’t worth the time I spent sittin’ through this slug of a watch, hopin’ thangs were gonna pick up. Skip. Axe murderin’ galore, poisoinin’, fatal shoot outs, bullshit! 2/5! 

HELL HOUSE LLC: LINEAGE (2025)

The internet sleuths from the last Hell House flick are sufferin’ the post traumatic effects of their run-in with the Abaddon spooks they encountered at Carmichael Manor and try piecin’ ‘nough of their twisted backstory together fer clues how to get rid of ’em. A huge switch-up from the series’ found footage approach to shootin’ this like a straight-up movie, this sour of a sequel is a disappointin’ snoozefest that kept me leanin’ on that fast forward button pretty heavily. With barely any story to tell, it’s nearly two hours of anti-climactic build-up lookin’ at a sad woman’s mug as she contemplates the Hell House lore with the occasional clown scare and lame offscreen kills. The only sweet this sucker offers are scenes of a priest-fer-hire attemptin’ to exorcise Carmichael Manor, but even this is too longwinded fer my taste and ultimately goes nowhere. Worst yet, as little story as there is in this installment, an unexpected cliffhanger at the end threatens ‘nother sequel. Putrid polecats! Possessed mannequin clowns, chest impalin’, bloody sheet ghosts, and jumpscarin’ balls! 2/5!

NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW (1995)

A drunken joyride accidentally releases a horny warlock’s spirit from his cornfield grave to possess a fat headed scarecrow, and the reborn hay man’s first order of business is exactin’ gory revenge ‘gainst the ancestors of the town leader who killed him over a century ago. When it comes to killer scarecrow flicks, this undercelebrated gem is definitely in my top three, Scream Freaks! It suffers from an roster of criminally flat characters, and the scarecrow’s dialogue feels a little too modern at times given what century he’s from, but it’s a terror-ific monster movie that checks all my boxes. It delivers an inventive sub-genre bendin’ slasher who dishes out a butt-load o’ special effects deaths with magic straw I ain’t seen ‘fore, nudity, the filmmakers deliver some effectively creepy moments ‘long with action-packed sequences, and features a pretty solid cast of actors who make it all believable ‘nough to be fun. A must see! Drunken joyridin’ on bulldozers, magical graves, roofied drinks, crucifyin’, human matchsticks, bullets to the face, mouth sewin’, topless orgy flashbacks, boobs in a van, bodies eruptin’ with roots and hay, finger seeds, explodin’ rooks, explodin’ barns, car wreckin’ cop killin’, sickle throwin’, hay implantin’, hay needles to the face, face sewin’, hay camouflagin’, arm severin’, and games o’ keep away with human remains! 4/5! 

WITCHBOARD (2024)

When a recoverin’ addict starts playin’ ’round with an ancient witch’s pendulum board she finds in the woods, she comes to the attention of a New Orleans warlock wantin’ to use the board’s power to soul swap her with its wicked owner so they can team-up fer world domination or somethin’. More of a sequel in title only than a remake of Kevin S. Tenney’s Witchboard from 1986, this sucker’s packed with alotta sweet material from its comic book stock o’ villains to the clever new spin on the all too familiar Ouija board, but tainted by ‘nough sours to keep it from bein’ thoroughly enjoyable. The board’s randomly attackin’ folks who ain’t even usin’ it, the deaths seem to have some severed hand theme ’til they just don’t anymore, the last girl’s obsession turned possession with the pendulum board is fast tracked to the point o’ it barely bein’ a story arc, and I don’t understand why the big bad witch o’ the movie gets any satisfaction takin’ her revenge out on a bunch o’ randos in a different century much less why she’d wanna team-up with the ancestor of the guy who ruined her life. Not a great flick, but nowhere near terrible. Mushroom sproutin’ corpses, museum robberies, Vatican dealin’s, gut stabbin’, ball trippin’ restaurant massacres, face disfigurin’, soul swappin’ over time and space, witch burnin’s at the stake, human matchsticks, fatal kitchen accidents, hand severin’ with meat slicers, eye gaugin’ with cat claws, impalin’ on buildin’s, fatal freefallin’, bullets to the gut, kitty cat minions, throat slittin’, and Eyes Wide Shut kinda witch parties! 3/5!

BLACK PHONE 2 (2025)

The Grabber’s twisted spirit uses the restless souls o’ his first victims to escape the icy depths of Hell somehow and flexes some ghostly dream powers to hurt the siblin’s responsible fer his death four years earlier ‘less they severe his mortal ties at a Christian winter camp. An unexpected sequel that flips the slasher script fer a supernatural slayer, this flick is every bit as sweet as the first Black Phone with its convincin’ cast and vision fer capturin’ a period piece scare set in 1982, but thankfully offers more tension with no ghost hotlines spoilin’ what’s gonna happen next. Only real sours fer me is a bit o’ drag in the middle with a little rinse-repeat o’ folks searchin’ fer dead bodies, the unbelievable beatin’s the psychic sister walks away from without a broken neck, the absence o’ onscreen kills (past victims don’t count!), and the endin’ bein’ all kinds of confusin’ with me not understandin’ who’s awake or an astral projection or why some folks can whoop a ghost’s ass like he’s the Invisible Man. Surprisingly, the best part in all this is some teenage pillow talk with Jesus prayers as a pick-up line. Spirits on ice, axes to the chest and arms, polar bear plungin’, crispy young’ns, head splittin’, haunted decapitatin’, ghostly visions, dream walkin’, bloody human tops, A Nightmare on Elm Street nods, calls from ‘yond the grave, foot severin’, suicide stagin’, kidnappin’, face slashin’, and supernatural tug-o-war! 4/5! 

VICIOUS (2025)

An aimless gal plays perfect host to a stranger stuck in the cold and ends up bein’ tagged as the next victim of a reality bendin’ box that wants somethin’ ya hate, need, and love ‘fore it stops threatenin’ to hurt ya and the ones closest to you. An okay flick with sweet camerawork and effects, this sucker suffers from some pretty weak storytellin’. The last girl never puts up much of a fight to keep things interestin’ and is too quick to give the box whatever it wants which is an even bigger sour of the movie. I’m all fer less is more to make things scarier, but this box has zero context fer me to wrap my head ’round as far as its purpose and motivations are concerned. I never find out if it’s a ghost, demon, or other kinda booga-boo, much less why it wants all these sacrifices from folks like toes and jewelry. I guess it’s just an evil entity that enjoys screwin’ with people with its made-up rules it keeps breakin’, and that just makes fer a frustratin’ watch. Finger and toe cuttin’, butcher knife face plants, twisted young’n doppelgangers, self-mutilatin’ mirror doppelgangers, ghost mom doppelgangers, parent slaughterin’, paranormal prank callin’, and knives to the chest! 2/5!

WEREWOLVES (2024) 

With zero explanation whatsoever, light from one outta the three to four supermoons a year is gonna temporarily turn most the world into kill happy werewolves overnight fer the second time straight, and ill-prepared macho scientists with explosive lab equipment are hopin’ to survive the night with their newest weapon ‘gainst monstrous transformations — moonscreen. Best described as The Purge with werewolves, I love the concept of this flick, but it’s story is criminally riddled with sours. Aside from the amazin’ feat of writtin’ the flattest ensemble o’ characters to ever plow through a plot thinner than a video game with just as much motivation gettin’ from point A to B with boss fights, this sucker begs a never endin’ series of questions from beginnin’ to end. This is only supposed to last the night, so why don’t folks barricade ’emselves in a panic room and sleep through this nonsense ‘stead of tryin’ to fortify and protect their whole house? Accordin’ to the openin’ exposition dump, the world is prepared fer this outbreak unlike the first time, so wouldn’t the government make some bolder attempt to force people inside where they can’t wolf out and hurt others? Just how intelligent are these werewolves and how much does anyone ‘member when they turn back to human? And most importantly — WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENIN’?!! Cool action packed monster movie to play in the background at parties fer its sweet lookin’ practical werewolf effects, but if ya gotta have a werewolf pandemic with a story that makes sense, I recommend Battledogs (2013). Head rippin, moonscreen sprayin’ galore, giant werewolf collars that do nothin’, monstrous CG transformations, wolf on wolf violence, shoot ’em ups galore, tunnel folk, underground sneakin’, lab massacres, and wolves versus electric fences! 2/5!  

STREAM (2024)

A family vacation turns deadly when an overnight stay at a hotel turns out to be the latest location fer a dark web game show with masked players slaughterin’ guests for points awarded to the most creative kills. A solid flick from the filmmakers who created the Terrifier series, this is a top shelf slasher stuffed with horror hall o’ famers with Jeffrey Combs stealin’ the show as the animated pit boss behind the chaos. I’m invested in the family o’ victims and genuinely surprised which of ’em are offed as the story progresses, there’s some sweet twists I don’t see comin’, and plenty o’ sequel potential I’m on board fer. Only real sour I’d bitch ’bout is Stream‘s inflated runtime which can stand to be less than two hours. Jacuzzi ambushin’, buck naked slaughterin’, costume switcheroos, drills to the face, head smashin’ with hammers, full and half decapitatin’, head crushin’ with vendin’ machines, eye gougin’ with joysticks, double impalin’ with spears, computer hackin’, bare handed head crushin’, human matchsticks, neck stabbin’, electric chair executin’, and bonfire cars! 4/5!

SCREAMBOAT (2025)

A hundred year ol’ mutant mouse named Steamboat Willie is accidentally released from captivity on a New York ferry and goes on an over the top killin’ spree with his sights set on a gal who reminds him of his love he lost at sea. A great example of a flick that’s better than it deserves to be, this exploitation of a Disney classic that’s entered the public domain has all the bells and whistles of a sweet time with an entertainin’ mix of victims, gore-tastic special effects, loads o’ cheesy charm, and top shelf cinematography. The only sours are the occasional (but forgivable) prop proportions, and some drag towards the end when the filmmakers spend a little too much time buildin’ suspense ‘fore a kill ‘long with characters feelin’ like they’re in one location too long after a nice pace of rapid scenery changes. Plenty of teases fer a sequel, but this should really be a one and done gag of a monster movie. Whistlin’ galore, scissors to the head, torch props through the face, flesh gnawin’, head explodin’ kisses, mass electrocutin’, decapitatin’ with wires, head impalin’ with forklifts, chest impalin’ with pipes and spears, pecker severin’, topless booty calls, head crushin’ with TVs, boat propellers to the face, dress-up defenses, and sinister price hikin’! 4/5! 

THE STRANGERS — CHAPTER 2 (2025)

It’s reel to reel Tom and Jerry shenanigans as the survivor of Chapter 1 wakes up in one of ’em empty hospitals that only exist in horror flicks and has to fight fer her life all over ‘gain as the trio of masked killers who put her there continue their pointless hunt fer her. A feature length chase sequence, this sucker looks top shelf but unbelievably suffers in the story department. There’s scenes with non-essential characters that add nothin’ to the movie, a paper thin plot with twists too coincidental to be entertainin’, roughly inserted flashbacks providin’ a peek at the killers’ origins, and characters so flat, they may as well be cardboard cut-outs. The most notable sweet is the returnin’ last girl not bein’ nearly as dumb as she was the last movie. She’s still makin’ stupid decisions, mind ya, but just not as stupid as the last flick. The worst bein’ when she’s helped by a car full of supposedly good Samaritans who’d rather force their hospitality on her ‘stead of callin’ 911 which she don’t seem to question much. Scissors to the head, axes to the chest, hide and seek in the morgue, arrows through the eyes and chest, car wreckin’, kidnappin’, tied-up executin’, mice killin’, fatal bashin’ with rocks, self wound sewin’ surgeries, ankle bitin’, car wreckin’, and big ass CG boars trained like blood hounds! 2/5! 

CHAIN LETTER (2010)

When a gang of students receive an email with chain letter instructions, most of ’em delete it and regrettably find ’emselves targeted by a literal chain wieldin’ hacker of a mad man who wants to rid the world of internet technology. On the surface, this flick looks like a sweet time. Top shelf lookin’ production, decent gore, horror hall o’ famers like Keith David, Brad Dourif, Michael Bailey Smith . . . But it’s actually one big sour of a watch thanks to its confusin’ theme of a killer — the Chain Man. While laughable to have a slasher who’s so literal with the chain puns, his whole character makes zero sense. I don’t think he’s supernatural, but he’s strong ‘nough to hook folks like fish through skylights and squeeze other victims’ faces into pieces with chains? He might be part of a technology-hatin’ cult, but uses that same tech to track and kill people with? What’s the point of the chain letter if he’s gonna bend his own rules and still kill those who do pass it on? Is the Chain Man goin’ international if the chain letters are passed on to folks outside the country who delete ’em? As fast as email works, how many saps is he plannin’ on killin’ and on what time table? This would make waaay more sense if this was a boogey man curse like The Ring. Kidnappin’, face splittin’ with chains, harpooned computer nerds, folks ripped in two ‘tween speedin’ cars, computer hackin’, computer viruses, ankle slicin’, whippin’ with chains, head bashin’ with cistern lids, rub-a-dub boobs, rain galore, and funeral interrogations! 2/5! 

V/H/S/HALLOWEEN (2025)

The V/H/S series celebrates Halloween and delivers an anthology of 5 spooky season shorts burstin’ with high flyin’ possessions, baby lovin’ spooks, kiddie killers, monstrous haunted houses, and human candy factories broken up by 1980s lab footage of a soda company’s bafflin’ attempt to add evil spirits to their new diet drink. An overall sweet watch with top shelf production through and through, the only sour I find ‘mong these shorts is their writin’. “Coochie Coochie Coo”, “Fun Size”, and “Home Haunt” set up engagin’ characters and situations out the gate, but they all eventually turn into a non-stop series of “Gotcha!” moments that’s just monsters chasin’ trick ‘r treaters ’round. “Ut Supra Sic Infra” grips me long ‘nough to underwhelm me with its predictable twists as police regret investigatin’ a Halloween massacre, and as much fun as I have watchin’ “Diet Phantasma”, I’m annoyed the soda execs never explain why they want folks drinkin’ poltergeists. But none of these are stinkers, mind ya, and V/H/S/Halloween will be a regular holiday horror I revisit every year with “Kidprint” as my favorite segment fer it managin’ to tell a satisfyingly complete story with twists, mystery and character that keeps me on my toes as a small town hunts fer a mutilatin’ sicko kidnappin’ the local young’ns ’round Mischief Night. Candied organs, interdimensional candy bowls, candy enemas, explodin’ faces, human grindin’ machines, hand severin’, portal openin’ Halloween records, bodily dismemberin’, trick ‘r treatin’ galore, six boobed freaks, big fat baby men, deformed teeny beoppers, forced milk guzzlin’, interdimensional homes, sleep inducin’ lullabies, suicides, zombie attacks, sheet ghost attacks, decapitatin’, electric chair executions, eye gougin’, fatal freefalls, possessin’, calls from beyond the grave, cop killin’, skin carvin’, head bashin’, human matchsticks, explodin’ young’ns, head crushin’ with tentacles, soda can tabs to the face, ghost trappin’, lab explodin’, and vomitin’ galore! 4/5!

HOUSE ON EDEN (2025)

Wannabe spook chasers take their YouTube show deep in the sticks to check out a haunted manor no one’s exploited yet and stumble into some nonsense involvin’ the biblical succubus Lilith ‘fore vaguely explained forces take ’em all out. This found footage flick looks top shelf fer what it is and boasts a engagin’ ‘nough cast, but it’s story lacks any suspense and leaves too much to be desired. The well kept haunted house ain’t much of a scary settin’, its history fer why it’s supposed to have ghosts much less a monster like Lilith is totally lost on me, the characters are flat as hell and have the most placid reactions to what I think is supposed to be their first real encounter with spirits, and there’s an attempt at a twist with a pregnancy, but without any context to go with it, why do I care? Gory arm scratchin’, possessin’, full frontal hags, offscreen throat slittin’, bon fire cults, surprisingly great cell phone signal, ‘lotta butt and crotch shots, blood rubbin’ group activities, ghost box conversations, vomitin’, and ghost detectin’ lightshow blocks! 2/5!

NIGHT OF THE REAPER (2025)

On the anniversary of a babysitter’s murder on Halloween, her costumed serial killer with a video fetish is ready to terrorize a new teeny boppin’ sitter, but this latest target ain’t all she seems. A wonderfully convincin’ period scare set in the 1980s with ‘nough Halloween atmosphere to satisfy most nostalgic horror fans, this flick looks top shelf and boasts a decent ‘nough cast of engagin’ characters but could use more work in the story department. Not a lot happens the majority of the runtime with alotta unnecessary cop drama, reveals fall flat with stuff presented as revelations I thought the filmmakers already established as earlier facts, and the endin’ tries bein’ waaay too clever fer it’s own good with a Saw-like twist that annoyingly turns the whole plot inside out. Home invadin’, kidnappin’, creakin’ doors, frightenin’ dress hangin’, explodin’ head booby traps, stabbin’s, bullets to the brain basket, incriminatin’ evidence galore on VHS, car wreckin’, head bashin’, reaper disguises, and torture on tape! 2/5!

NIGHT SHADOW (1989)

Tai, an action hero wannabe with an endless wardrobe of ill-fittin’ t-shirts, chop sockies his way through life as a motel’s maintenance man, but when his buds steal a nomadic werewolf’s journal from one of the rooms, he must protect his loved ones from the skinwalkin’ serial killer’s fury as it hunts ’em down to protect its secrets. More of a vehicle to show off Stuart Quan’s screen talent as Tai than a werewolf flick, this movie keeps wolfie on the sidelines the majority of the run-time with alotta offscreen kills I think is gonna build to some scary encounter with Tai’s reporter fer a sister he’s fixated on, but it hangs back to the very end with one decent monstrous transformation followed by a single gore-tastic death ‘fore Tai puts the flea bag outta its misery. Biker gang brawlin’, kung-phooey action, car explodin’, chest burstin’ with pipes, fatal freefallin’, mummified critters, cop violence, drawers full of roadkill, car trunks full o’ bodies, home invasion prankin’ with a Freddy glove, and a bike crash so good, it’s shown three times in a row! 2/5! 

THE CONJURING: LAST RITES (2025)

The ghost bustin’ Warrens swear they’re really retired this time, but when their daughter lends her psychic abilities to help a mill town family bein’ tormented by a turkducken kinda hauntin’, they gotta God bless evil one last time and defeat a demonically possessed mirror from their past. Solid filmmakin’ as always, this entry in the Conjuring series is a fine watch, but don’t have alotta rewatch value and suffers from an underwhelmin’ script. I feel like I’m watchin’ two completely different genre flicks ‘tween the Warrens’ Hallmark drama and the haunted house stuff ’til they finally cross paths at the end, and the rules fer the ghosts and demons are just all over the place. Demons control ghosts from outta nowhere and able to send ’em wherever they need to jump scare someone at anytime, there’s an all important mirror the spooks are anchored to, but it never seems to be that big a weakness or restriction, priests can be fooled into killin’ ’emselves, and the big evil’s master plan all these years is nothin’ more than possessin’ someone to commit suicide. Lame! Heart attack drama, bridal dress shoppin’ jump scares, video recorded spooks, ax swingin’ ghosts, Annabelle cameos, spooky head impalin’ with axes, bloodbath sinks, free floatin’ paralysis, blood vomitin’ galore with supernatural shards of mirror, unnervin’ wind-up dollies, leg scrappin’, car wreckin’, hangin’ suicides with power cords out windows, flammin’ crosses, baby birthin’, and scary phone cord yankin’! 3/5! 

HARD ROCK NIGHTMARE (1988)

A singer takes his garage band to practice at his gramp’s ol’ place in the boonies where he accidentally killed the prankin’ pappy years earlier fer claimin’ to be a bloodthirsty werewolf vamp after him, and he’s havin’ second thoughts as mutilated bodies make him fear grandpa’s howlin’ spirit’s back from the dead fer some long overdue revenge. Come fer the sweet lookin’ werewolf make-up, stay fer the silly story and ridiculous dialogue! This obscure ’80s horror is a little more vanity project than campy scares with the first half the flick goin’ heavy on original full length rock songs that delay the plot (what little there is), and the gore is few and far ‘tween, but it’s a respectably made monster movie that keeps me entertained with its ensemble of bad actors to the Scooby-Doo inspired end. Razor blade maulin’, shotgun executions, knees to the nuts, graphic paw swipe decapitatin’, crossdressin’ nightmares, topless groupies, wells turned into fatal firepits, wacky tobacky smokin’, blood splatterin’, stakin’, and talkin’ heads on a platter! 3/5! 

TEDDY TOLD ME TO (2023)

A couple of yahoos buy a fully furnished haunted attraction fer some quick Halloween money but find out the dump’s actually infamous fer a buncha grisly murders committed by a past employee named Teddy, a disturbed man-child in a tattered teddy bear mask who might not be too happy his ol’ crime scene is open fer business ‘gain. While the plot of this sucker is thinner than a parched tick and characters’ arcs and motivations are criminally underdeveloped, this is a fun little Halloween flick. There’s a charmin’ energy behind its production, it’s full of likeable personalities, packed with a carpool’s worth of horror hall o’ famer cameos, and offers some sweet scenes I don’t expect like a chainsaw duel. I ain’t the biggest fan of Teddy or his look, mind ya, but the filmmakers shoulda done more to gradually introduce him ‘yond his word-of-mouth legend to effectively build suspense ‘fore throwin’ him into the tail end of the movie fer a soulless bloodbath. Boobs in the make-up room, cursin’ young’ns, chainsaw fightin’, folks chainsawed in half, disembowelin’, hammers to the brain basket, video bloggin’ deaths, face carvin’, stabbin’, campin’ with boobs, arm breakin’, throat slittin’, stranglin’, murderous young’ns, head bashin’, face pummelin’ and slicin’ with shovels, decapitatin’ with giant hammers, and severed spines with shovels! 3/5!

FINDERS KEEPERS (2014)

A single mama moves into a new home without knowin’ it’s the site of an infamous family slaughter and finds herself headin’ fer the same fate when her young’n falls under the demonic influence of a cursed worry doll that belonged to the previous killer. An overall solid flick with a top shelf budget, this is a fairly entertainin’ Syfy original with sweet special effects and talents like horror hall o’ famer Tobin Bell but does have its sours. Aside from Jaime Pressly’s stoic performance never changin’ whether she’s bein’ strangled or findin’ her daughter in the middle of a homicide investigation, the rules of the worry doll seem all over the place. It’s unclear just how much it can and can’t do on its own, the voodoo connection it has with the daughter don’t always ring voodoo, and it spends most its screen time on a senseless killin’ spree I wish had more motivation behind it. Fatal freefallin’, arm and back stabbin’, kitchen explodin’, neck woundin’, cop killin’, cat dismemberin’, explodin’ car wrecks, evil doll autopsies, eye gougin’, human matchsticks, and demonic clouds! 4/5!

HELL OF A SUMMER (2023)

A masked killer’s droppin’ counselors as soon as they arrive fer summer camp, and it’s a comedy of errors as the remainin’ yahoos figure out this whodunnit mystery with everyone as a suspect. Well shot and worth a few hearty chuckles, this horror comedy offers an engagin’ ensemble of bodies with Fred Hechinger as the break-out talent with his charmin’ performance as the well-to-do counselor Jason, but there’s very little plot, alotta rinse repeat sequences, and not too much in the gore department with most kills happenin’ offscreen (includin’ murder by peanut allergy). Nope, the most slasher action yer gonna see is a modest handful of impressive head impalements, so good thang the humor’s just strong ‘nough to support the rest of this flick. Head impalin’ with axes and knives, eye impalin’ with arrows, fatal force feedin’ with guitars, death by peanut allergies, fridges with severed heads, Ouija board seances,  head bashin’ with rocks, leg breakin’, throat stabbin’, and cabin infernos! 3/5! 

21 DAYS (2014)

A trio of forgettable rookie documentarians investigate an infamous haunted house fer supposed fame and fortune and dare to debunk the legend that residents either go missin’ or homicidal after 21 days due to demonic possession through mirrors. A bland found-footage flick that’s Amityville Horror meets Blair Witch, this sucker doesn’t offer much in scares much less entertainment. The only reaction it manages to pull outta me is laughin’ at how ridiculously aggressive the documentarians are with their approach to interviewin’ from panicky phone calls to chargin’ unsuspectin’ folks at their homes like news hungry paparazzi. Not terrible, but nothin’ great. Lock downs, annoyin’ EMF meter sounds galore, ghost young’ns, Native American storytellin’, protective trinkets galore, movin’ dolls, EVP recordin’s, possessin’, and ghostly murder boards that appear at random! 2/5! 

THE HOME (2025)

To avoid jail fer taggin’ abandoned buildin’s with his angsty art, a mopey painter opts fer community service as a retirement home’s janitor but gets a bad feelin’ when quirky geezers keep hintin’ at somethin’ sinister behind the scenes as he hears screams from the mysterious patients on the forbidden fourth floor. A fairly entertainin’ simmer of a horror that reminds me a little of Society (1989), Pete Davidson ain’t the most grippin’ actor fer a leadin’ man, but his subdued performance is likeable ‘nough to stay engaged with the story while director James DeMonaco carries the rest of the movie with his lively camerawork. Things are kinda predictable from the get-go given the usual go-to twists these geezer horrors are best known fer, but the filmmakers do attempt to give it a fresh spin, resultin’ in a satisfyin’ chuckle-worthy finale I didn’t expect. Needles in eye balls galore, eyeball juice cocktails, pervs in masks, psych-out conspiracies, black light messages, fatal freefallin’ fence impalin’, stabbin’ galore, axes to the chest and head, geezer wieners, needles to the neck, deity rituals, and life suckin’ practices! 4/5!

GHOSTQUAKE aka HAUNTED HIGH (2012)

Ghosts of an evil cult are awakened in the high school they use to run and hunt down the current students and teachers fer some supernatural disciplinary actions ‘less janitor Danny Trejo can save the day with a few magic tricks he knows. A decently fun watch to say the least, this Syfy flick manages to keep things lively with different gangs of yahoos facin’ a variety of paranormal tricks and fatalities, the best of which include reanimated frog attacks and folks’ heads bein’ blown up like overinflated balloons. Castin’ Trejo as the movie’s hero levels up the entertainment value fer sure, but it’s M.C. Gainey’s sweet performance as the evil Headmaster Danforth with his monstrous hench wench that helps make this flick memorable. Cursed cult coins, supernatural earthquakes, AC duct crawlin’, ghostly sisters, head explodin’ hollerin’, meltin’ floors, computer hackin’, shrinkin’ room deaths, trick window escapin’, lips sewn shut, fatal toilet drownin’, yakkin’ portraits, torturous exercise equipment, slime traps, possessin’, worm suckin’, face pummelin’ trumpet deaths, and souls bein’ yanked outta folk’s bodies and trapped in trophy cases! 3/5!

BAD KIDS GO TO HELL (2012)

It’s a Breakfast Club murder mystery in a supposedly haunted library as a gang of prep student yahoos find ’emselves stuck in weekend detention with the ghost of an angry Native American wantin’ revenge fer his home bein’ torn down by the school. Spoilers — this ain’t a horror movie, but an overly complicated Scooby-Doo mystery that’s waaay too clever to be entertainin’. Most the movie is the students desperately tryin’ to escape the library after one of ’em dies when you’d think they’d just wait ’til the teacher came back, I have no idea what the hero’s motivation is fer even bein’ involved in this mess, and there’s a ghost fer all of a few seconds ‘fore it’s revealed to be some trick plotted by a confusin’ duo of backstabbers. Skip. Freak decapitations with statues, vomitin’, nail gun to the brain basket suicides, ink blot mind control, homicidal shootin’, SWAT rescues, classroom strip teasin’, fatal asthma attacks, Carrie-prankin’ bullies, fatal freefallin’ murder, booger sugar cheerleaders, and handicap accidents! 2/5! 

THE RITUAL (2025)

The priest of a remote church in the 1920s is reluctantly assigned to help an older man of the cloth perform a series of exorcisms on a desperate woman who’s been demonically possessed fer decades and learns to accept such supernatural phenomena as part of the job description. A by-the-numbers exorcist horror that ain’t bringin’ anythang new to the table, the hook fer this unholy snooze fest is that it’s based on what’s supposed to be the most documented case of demonic extraction in American history. Even if it’s the original event that inspired all the familiar tropes of unsavory possessions, however, I wish the filmmakers took some creative liberties with the facts fer a more entertainin’ movie with higher stakes and tension and give their sweet cast of talented A listers somethin’ more to sink their teeth into. I mean, I should be glued to the idiot box with Al Pacino playin’ a demon fightin’ priest, but his part was so flat and uneventful, he could be switched out with anybody and we’d have the same movie! Top shelf lookin’ flick, but nothin’ excitin’. Hair rippin’, possessin’, catacomb chasin’, expelled forces of evil, bloody spit ups, and evil flesh burnin’ crosses! 3/5!   

IT FEEDS (2025)

When a young gal’s psychic fer hire mama refuses to help a desperate family with a life suckin’ demon attached to their daughter, she carelessly tries savin’ ’em herself and gets caught in a tangled mess of murder and curses only her mom’s supernatural abilities can rescue her from. Top shelf filmmakin’ from the stylish cinematography to the engagin’ cast, this monster movie is a smorgasbord of sweets but is missin’ some key ingredient to help it feel like a fully realized story. Despite it bein’ wonderfully rounded with dynamic characters, escalatin’ threats, and well paced sequences with appropriate beats fer action and plot developments, I still feel a little disconnected from the story and think that’s because there ain’t really a character to help bring me into the world of this movie and its characters. It feels more like jumpin’ into the middle of an established TV series as a new viewer and tryin’ to pick up on events mentioned from past episodes to help give any gravity to the current monster of the week adventure. Nothin’ that ruines the fun o’ watchin’ an awesome lookin’ booga-boo fight with women usin’ Inception powers, mind ya, but a minor sour none the less. Live burials, minds in minds in minds, demonic lairs, head impalin’ with spears, brain basket bashin’, flesh cookin’ galore, kidnappin’, fatal gunshots, hang ’em high suicides, traumatic childhood flashbacks, and basements of torment! 4/5! 

WEAPONS (2025)

A third grade teacher’s class goes missin’ after all but one young’n mysteriously runs off into the night at 2:17 AM, and with a mob of distraught parents breathin’ down her neck fer answers, she conducts her own gumshoe investigation that leads to some supernaturally charged revelations. A fairy tale horror that’s edited like Pulp Fiction, this sophomore flick from Barbarian writer/director Zach Cregger turns scary movie tropes on their head and delivers a masterful ebb and flow of effective shocks and laughter that wraps up with one of the most memorably satisfyin’ endin’s EVER committed to celluloid. Despite these undeniable sweets, however, there are minor sours here and there like oddball visual cues, questionable rules to how the villain’s powers work, and me bein’ indifferent to the fates of the engagin’ yet disposable ensemble of characters, but none of it’s ‘nough to deter from the creepy fun this flick offers. Homicidal headbuttin’, eye bulgin’, face stabbin’ with forks and needles, finger prickin’ with needles, sucker punchin’, cat fightin’, beer case crashin’, gas station chasin’, human roadkill, murderous spellcastin’, supernatural kidnappin’, bullets to the brain basket, soup slurpin’ galore, mind controllin’, and bodily dismemberment! 4/5! 

AGE OF DINOSAURS (2013)

A biotech company recreates dinosaurs fer reasons that somehow ties into their owner regainin’ the ability to jump outta his state-of-the-art wheelchair and dance, but when a showy presentation gets outta hand, his sideshow of cartoon thunder lizards rampage through Los Angeles with a firefighter and his daughter caught in the thick of the chaos. Let me be clear ’bout this Asylum flick. It ain’t filmmakin’ at its finest. The CGI’s light years from believable, and the story’s beyond ridiculous — but it’s silly fun. Leadin’ men Treat Williams and Ronny Cox know exactly what kinda movie they’re in and give some charmin’ performances pretendin’ their fightin’ and dodgin’ kill happy dinos that look like they’re lifted from a bad video game. Not a lot of heavy plot, just scene after laughable scene of Jurassic mayhem that don’t require any brain cells to enjoy. Out there dino revival science with synapse transfers, operatin’ room massacres, flesh regeneratin’, ‘lotta human meals, decapitatin’, tranq shootin’, shoot ’em ups galore, helicopter crashin’, car wreckin’, mall massacres, ceratosauruses, carnotauruses, spinosauruses, and pteranodons! 4/5!  

THE PRESENCE aka DANGER ISLAND (1992)

When civil war’s declared on an island getaway, a plane full o’ strangers escapes the noise but crashes in the Pacific where the sorry survivors wash up on an exotic island full of dangers thanks to a defunct laboratory’s crimes ‘gainst humanity with biological experiments on the plant and wildlife. A TV monster movie with Kathy Ireland in a bikini as its strongest draw fer couch potatoes, this sucker starts strong ‘nough with more than ‘nough set-up fer a decent island adventure horror but sadly drags its feet when things should be takin’ off, makin’ fer a pretty uneventful watch. I mean, there’s tentacle creatures turnin’ folks into mutant fish men, bananas blowin’ up in people’s faces, a tribe of grumpy natives . . . but none of it develops into any real threats much less anythin’ to worry ’bout. Instead of these yahoos fightin’ fer their lives ‘gainst carnivorous plants, kill happy beasts or hoodoo headhunters, most the movie is ’em just wanderin’ ’round lookin’ fer answers in the ol’ labs’ records while one fella’s slow burn of a monstrous transformation confusingly brings him visions from the dead scientists’ past. Supposedly a recycled pilot fer a TV show that was never picked up, that would explain the filmmakers’ resistance to developin’ the plot more than they do, but do yerself a favor and just watch Lost with one of Kathy’s swimsuit posters on yer wall. You’ll be much happier with how you spend yer time! Plane crashin’, military action, grabby tentacles, sweet mad lab sets, monstrous hallucinatin’, stranglin’, dead-o-vision, explodin’ fruits, and scientist corpses! 2/5!

MONSTER ISLAND (2025)

A Jap and Brit are taken prisoners ‘board a Japanese battleship durin’ World War II, but when an air strike leaves ’em stranded on a Pacific island inhabited by a Predator soundin’ Creature From the Black Lagoon, they gotta work through their language barrier and team-up fer survival ‘gainst the native monster. A fairly entertainin’ flick that relies more on visual driven action than character development, this is top shelf filmmakin’ from a technical standpoint regardin’ its cinematography and creature effects but leaves a lot to be desired in the script department. Only thang sillier than the gill monster’s inconsistent strength ‘tween rippin’ crocs in half and strugglin’ to pin a human down is the melodramatic endin’ when the POWs comically flashback to what little time they spent together as if they were sayin’ goodbye to the most meaningful friendship they ever had. Monstrous abortions, eye shootin’, bullets to the brain basket, battleship sinkin’, head rippin’ galore, neck rippin’, sword fightin’, croc wrasslin’ to the death, cave dwellin’s, and big ass explosions! 3/5!

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025)

After failing to save a motorist from a fatal crash off a cliff that’s a legit accident in every sense of the word, a gang of unlikable yahoos confusingly swear to secrecy over their involvement and find themselves targeted the followin’ 4th of July by a vengeful fisherman on a murder spree who gives the locals a wicked case of deja vu from their town’s tragic past. A legacy sequel that only acknowledges the first two Jennifer Love Hewitt flicks, fans of this holiday horror series will either love it or hate it fer its all too coincidentally familiar storyline and polarizin’ updates on survivors returnin’ from the previous films to help. Production wise, this is a well made movie, but it fails at givin’ me anyone worth rootin’ fer, save one true crime podcaster whose taken waaay too early from the movie when she’s the perfect bridge ‘tween the ol’ and new murders. But as lackluster as the new kids on the block are, the cast who started this franchise ain’t written any better. Jennifer borrows the paranoia treatment from 2018’s Halloween, Freddie Prinze Jr. steals a play from Kevin Williamson to deal with his trauma, and Sarah Michelle Gellar gets some pretty unnecessary screen time as a dreamy ghost with a freakin’ monologue! Add on other sours like multiple endin’s, mildly acceptable motivations, and a couple of lame kills — this sucker’s worth a watch, but no more than that. Hooks through the throat and guts, father/son catch of the day, throat slittin’, stranglin’, super fast decomposition, gal on gal action, shoulder, chest and gut impalin’ with a spear gun, pastor killin’, fatal hangin’s, fatal car wrecks, wacky tobacky, and Jaws mayors! 3/5!

MOM (1991)

A blood thirsty monster disguised as a blind guy rents out an old lady’s guest room and makes her his equally monstrous accomplice fer no real reason, leavin’ her news reporter fer a son to rescue her and lose sleep over whether or not he should kill his mama or feed her a steady diet o’ hookers and hobos to satisfy her twisted new appetite. A straight played B movie that’s curiously labeled a comedy, this is one of ’em undercelebrated gems that deserves more attention. Not fer any spectacular reason, mind ya, but fer simply bein’ a respectable horror flick with a quirky premise like how suburban monsters can strain a man’s relationship with his mother. The only sour worth complainin’ ’bout is havin’ to settle fer quick rubber face creature close-ups of both monsters ‘stead of showcasin’ full head to toe transformations. Wasn’t in the budget, I guess. Bodies buried in the yard, dismemberin’, explodin’ kitchens, humanoid matchsticks, flesh eatin’, chest impalin’ with knittin’ needles, vanishin’ corpses, grease fire weaknesses, bullets to the chest and brain basket, arm impalin’ with drills, throat rippin’, trash bags full o’ body parts, and zero doggie deaths! 3/5!

BRING HER BACK (2025)

A couple of step siblin’s suddenly find ’emselves orphaned and is half hazardly thrown into the care of a weird foster mom who gaslights ’em ‘gainst one ‘nother while preparin’ a demonic body swappin’ ritual fer resurrectin’ her dead daughter with the help o’ a disturbin’ boy. A horror from Down Under, this is top shelf filmmakin’ with a strong cast and special effects, but the strength of the movie doesn’t come from its supernatural zingers as much as it does the uncomfortable tension ‘tween the fish out o’ water teens and their unhinged guardian. Not to say the filmmakers don’t offer an unforgettable means fer bringin’ back the dead with possessed mouth mutilatin’ appetites, mind ya, but the whole step monster kinda scenerio is waaay more o’ a relatable trigger fer viewers. The only sour that bugs me ’bout this flick is how pathetic the older brother is as our supposed hero whose motivation is protectin’ his sister from all the crazy. I mean, he’s never askin’ the right questions ’bout the deranged kid they keep locked in a room all day, and I just can’t root fer a guy who’s so easily peer pressured into kissin’ his dead dad at a funeral by a crazy woman he just met yesterday. Corpse-cicle eatin’, homicidal drownin’, human roadkill ‘tween two cars, arm bitin’, table chewin’, hair munchin’, gaslight beatin’s and bed pissin’, possessin’, how-to resurrection videos, soul vomitin’, knife chewin’, teeth gore, fatal showers with ding-a-lings, kidnappin’, and magic circles! 4/5!

FEAR THE CREATURE (2004)

A gang of friends reunite fer some closure at a remote cabin one of ’em disappeared at years ‘fore, and dark truths are revealed as they find ’emselves hunted by an escaped lizard man from a biker chick scientist’s underground lab. A modestly low budget monster movie with respectful special effects and cinematography, what really sours this sucker is its clueless editin’ and mish mash of distractin’ stock tunes that all feels miserably out of place. But if ya can get past those shortcomin’s, there are some sweets to enjoy. Not only is there bad chuckle worthy actin’ here and there and characters makin’ laughable decisions, but the title creature is one cool lookin’ monster — though it unfortunately does all its slaughterin’ off screen save one blink-and-miss-it decapitation kill. Off camera maulin’, pickled mutants, twin love triangle drama, human chimneys, head rippin’, showers with boobs, super committed three month flings, and accidental impalin’ on branches! 2/5! 

ALIEN OUTPOST (2014)

In this faux military documentary, an alien invasion of Earth has been fought back, but one outpost in the Middle East continues to fight ‘gainst e.t. stragglers they call Heavies and organize a strike ‘gainst their desert base after learnin’ they’re turnin’ fellow troops and locals into brainwashed minions. A fairly straight forward sci-fi action flick, there ain’t much to this story. All the characters are pretty flat and interchangeable with the focus bein’ more on the full ensemble of testosterone versus any one soldier’s journey through these battles, and there never seems to be any real payoff or even an significant “Aha!” kinda moment. Despite these sours, it’s still a solid movie that’s easy to follow and offers blips of some sweet lookin’ alien soldiers. Suicide bombin’, bullets to the brain basket, explodin’ bases, head carvin’, morse code REM sleep, and shoot ’em ups galore! 3/5! 

M3GAN 2.0 (2025)

A military android built with M3gan’s schematics supposedly goes rogue with AI domination as its prime directive and forces M3gan’s creator to reluctantly rebuild her accidental killer toy as the world’s last hope fer avoidin’ a robot apocalypse. Stealin’ a page from Terminator 2‘s playbook and swappin’ horror fer action, this sequel’s more family fun than hi-tech scares with M3gan bein’ repurposed as a witty hero dishin’ out Matrix kinda violence with PG level gore off screen. A top shelf production regardless of expectations, this flick features a kick-ass villainous, buncha robot references from 1927’s Metropolis to ’em robot girl paintings by Hajime Sorayama, a few chuckles here and there, poignant moments regardin’ our rapidly growin’ relationship with AI, and solid performances from a likeable ‘nough cast. The only sours worth bitchin’ ’bout are the writers’ numerous exposition dumps, comedic laziness fer explainin’ certain plot points like how a junky robot could build an underground doomsday bunker in someone’s house without ’em knowin’, and the two hour runtime. Though, I can forgive that last one thanks to the engagin’ pace and characters the movie manages to maintain. AI convention panic, bot on bot brawlin’ galore, shadows o’ decapitatin’ punchin’, bots disguised as bots, cyborgs, neuro implantin’, exo-skeleton fightin’, mad lab massacres, EMP bullets, arm rippin’ off camera, electro shockin’, home invadin’, food servin’ droids, bot stompin’, high speed racin’, suitcase sneak attacks, sing songin’, robo-dancin’, impalin’ with javelins, hand stabbin’, poisonin’, psych-out deaths, secret societies ‘gainst AI, brutal bot beatin’, and Stepford nods! 4/5!

28 YEARS LATER (2025)

Decades after the world quarantines the UK to control the spread o’ the zombie-like Rage Virus, a native boy in the hot zone is desperate to get his ailin’ mama some medical attention and escorts her from the safety o’ their island village to the diseased riddled mainland where they hope to find a doctor who’s rumored to live ‘mong the roamin’ packs o’ homicidal nudists. Takin’ a real artsy turn fer the series, this ain’t just ‘nother shoot ’em up gore-fest o’ doom and gloom but a wildly unique rollercoaster of emotions and tonal shifts with an unpredictable plot. A father and son’s comin’ of age story warps into a macabre tear jerker o’ mama drama, there’s multiple endin’s that feel like they’re from entirely different movies, several scenes and images make me think o’ Cannibal Holocaust and Attack on Titan while I snicker at the strongest “zombies” bein’ the ones with elephant wangs flappin’ ’round on screen, and there’s moments of stylish editin’ that’s a little more than distractin’ while I wonder how much better this sucker would be with a Pink Floyd soundtrack. This ain’t yer average zombie flick to say the least! Zombie baby birth, filthy full front galore, home collapsin’, chasin’ galore, military shoot ’em up action, lotta young’n eatin’ off camera, fish chowin’, arrows to the head and chest galore, archer action, Gymkata gang fightin’, marrital cheatin’, buck killin’ with decapitation, heads yanked from bodies, gas station fireballs, land bridge chasin’, roofie dart blowin’, confusin’ families of fat zombies, bone built memorials to the dead, castle overnights, church massacres, partyin’, flamin’ trees to the chest, and crematin’! 3/5!

13 EERIE (2013)

A grumpy forensics professor gives a gang o’ undergrads a field exam on a remote island with an abandoned prison, and thanks to him somehow missin’ the angry flesh eatin’ corpses of guinea pig inmates overrunnin’ the dump durin’ his prep fer this exercise, the trip ends in alotta grisly deaths that could’ve easily been avoided. More of a special make-up effects showcase than anythin’ else, this hungry dead flick ain’t the best in the story department with its half-baked backstories, confusin’ geography, and characters makin’ unbelievable oddball choices, but it does offer a buncha sweet gore with some of the grossest lookin’ zombies I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid. Real shame too, ’cause the cast has some real top shelf talents, but their actin’ chops are squandered on flat interchangeable characters (with the exception of the bus driver mind ya) who barely register any personalities worth investin’ in. But who needs that when ya got impaled zombies slidin’ wooden poles through their stretchy cheeks and almost perfectly barf worthy scenes o’ folks trapped in briar patches as the dead slowly devour their appendages? Toxic tar goop, maggot infested wounds, finger eatin’, face bitin’, bullets to the brain baskets, floor crashin’ entrances, stomach rippin’, decapitatin’, explosive chemical warfare, face and noggin impalin’, bus wreckin’, last stand cabins, accidental shootin’s, unbelievable dismissals, grilled chicken stealin’, monstrous transformations, and open ended endin’s! 2/5! 

PRESENCE (2024)

When a stressed family moves into a new home, the emotionally distraught daughter convinces the rest of ’em there’s some kinda supernatural presence floatin’ through the house, and it may have some mysterious agenda to fulfill ‘fore it stops movin’ their stuff ’round and mosey on outta their lives. Doin’ fer ghosts what In a Violent Nature did fer slashers, the whole hook of this flick is it bein’ entirely from the spirit’s point of view. Aside from that, it’s well shot, acted, and has an engagin’ pace that never drags as the pieces of the story gradually come together to explain the family’s backstory and what’s goin’ on now. SPOILERS!!! The reveal of why they’re bein’ haunted, however, completely blows the story apart in ways that’ll have viewers wastin’ braincells debatin’ the unproven physics of ghosts. As the daughter finds herself in a dangerous situation, the ghost alerts her brother who comes to her rescue and dies while savin’ her. Now, the filmmakers’ idea of a clever twist is suggestin’ the brother’s ghost then time travels to the past, meanin’ he’s been the presence the whole movie, ‘waitin’ to alert his past self ‘gain to save his sister like ‘fore. My whole issue with this time travellin’ of the dead scenerio is he only died ’cause the ghost brought him into the situation. Without the ghost, the brother would never have been alerted and the sister would be dead instead which should be the main unaltered timeline. So, how did the brother die the first time with no ghosts in order to come back as a ghost who alters the future?! This isn’t a time paradox but sloppy storytellin’ resultin’ in fantastical plot holes! Orange juice roofies, serial killers, psychic house calls, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with no nudity, supernatural  earthquakes, fatal freefallin’, and symmetrical book stackin’! 2/5!

SPIN THE BOTTLE (2024)

A gang of spit swappin’ teens play spin the bottle in a basement full o’ bad mojo and unknowingly grab a game piece with a girl’s demon possessed ghost inside, resultin’ in the release of a pissed off booga-boo lookin’ to gradually suck their souls. Too much fer so little goin’ on, this sucker boasts sweet aesthetics from the above average camerawork to the visual effects but is overstuffed with sours like back to back backstories, a supernatural killer who can’t decide what it wants to be or what rules to follow, and more drama than horror that bloats this warmed over flick to a tolerance testin’ TWO hours! Doesn’t help the leadin’ man can’t act his way through an automatic door while strugglin’ to hold his own ‘gainst the likes of Ali Larter and Justin Long’s actin’ chops, but at least I get some baffled laughs whenever teens call other teens elderly and decide the best way to ‘member their first friend to die is by mackin’ all over each other with more games of spin the bottle. Demon trappin’ bottles, daddy drama, loony bin mamas, haunted whisperin’, neck impalin’ on car windows, sneaky spectral ambushin’, psych-out death prankin’, lip lockin’ galore, girl on girl kissin’, soul suckin’, The Ring lookin’ corpses, offscreen shotgun suicides, unholy dungeon basements, priests with longwinded answers, and imbreedin’ twists! 2/5! 

THE SURRENDER (2025)

A daughter comes home to help care fer her dyin’ dad, and as soon as he croaks, she finds out her mama’s been plannin’ one helluva complicated resurrection ritual with a mysterious warlock that’ll bring ’em to the brink of damnation to restore pop’s soul. A well acted one-room drama with some trippy visuals of the afterlife, the story’s engagin’ ‘nough to keep me invested with its steady build-up to the family’s supernatural journey ‘yond the veil o’ death, but the movie’s message is muddy at best, the characters ain’t the most likeable, it has a pretty unsatisfyin’ endin’, and I don’t understand why the ill-fated tour guide o’ the paranormal don’t have to go through the same preparations and bodily sacrifices to hop ‘tween planes of reality like the mom and daughter do. Not a terrible flick, but if yer gonna see a slow burn o’ a character driven horror with folks summonin’ forces greater than ’emselves, do yerself a favor and watch 2016’s A Dark Song ‘stead. Viewer drinkin’ games every time the daughter says “Mom!” or “Dad!”, finger severin’ galore, supposedly accidental overdoses, roamin’ herds of damned souls, budget savin’ shadow monsters with CG eyes, flesh hungry doppelgangers, jaw rippin’, flashback portals, salt circles, and not ‘nough of the right questions bein’ asked! 2/5!

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN (2023)

A campin’ trip turns suspiciously sinister when a mysterious pit turns a couple o’ young’ns into monstrous mischief makers, and its up to their parent’s best friends to make sense o’ it all ‘fore everyone’s duped into bein’ some kinda bug creatures’ lunch. Another entry in the ever growin’ subgenre o’ evil kid flicks, the writin’ really sucks me in with its authentic soundin’ dialogue, a couple o’ “What would ya do?” moments, and the secret o’ the cave which leaves just ‘nough to the imagination to keep thangs interestin’. Featurin’ a solid cast with some genuine screen chemistry ‘mong ’em, this clever monster movie is nothin’ less than engagin’, but kinda cops out at the end which is a big sour fer me. Devil stick scares, entrancin’ pits, supposed fatal freefallin’, psych-out deaths, maulin’, special effects workarounds with monstrous silhouettes, insect chit chat, cop deaths, supposed possessin’ or body switchin’, and assumed human road kill! 3/5!

FEAR STREET: PROM QUEEN (2025)

It’s the privileged mean girls versus the good-hearted underdog on a budget as teeny boppers compete to be Shadyside High’s prom queen of 1988, but a masked slasher has their own pick fer a winner and spends the night murderin’ candidates to ensure there’s no one else left to accept the crown. Adapted from an R.L. Stein novel of the same name, prom horrors have historically proven alotta fun, but these filmmakers really dropped the ball when it comes to pacin’ and story. While things look top shelf on the surface, the story moves ‘long so briskly, it undermines an effective build-up to the prom and robs me of any meaningful chance to invest in the last girl’s story to care what happens to her. Aside from an awkward dance-off I still can’t tell is meant to be funny or not, the sour details that leave me shakin’ my head is the last girl’s mom never comin’ back in the picture when it seemed more than appropriate at the end, understandin’ how a special-effects artist of a student manages to make a perfect prank head o’ a bully folks can recognize in a punch bowl, and — my biggest peeve of the flick — the killer’s motivation and plan. We’re talkin’ crazy people way o’ thinkin’, I know, but when has bein’ prom queen EVER given anyone an advantage in life worth killin’ fer, and even though their knockin’ off the competition ‘hind the scenes, those girls’ names are still on the ballot, so it’s still anyone’s to win. Not a terrible flick by any means, but it watches like an expensive student film. Axes to the shoulder and face, disembowelin’, hand severin’, face smashin’, face sawin’, electrocutin’, meat cleavers to the face, head stabbin’, leg severin’ with axes, decapitatin’, fatal freefallin’ with impalin’, face slashin’, prank hand gore, prank head in a punch bowl gore, and prom massacres! 2/5! 

FINAL DESTINATION: BLOODLINES (2025)

See where it all began as a college student finds out her whole family’s on Death’s shit list after learnin’ her estranged grandmother set off a chain reaction o’ Final Destination movies with a premonition that saved a butt load o’ folks from an observation tower disaster in the ’60s, resultin’ in generations o’ families who should have never existed. Arguably one of the strongest entries in the series, the filmmakers do a great job o’ changin’ up the formula fer how the premonitions work into the story, switchin’ out the usual gang o’ scared friends fer a united family front o’ characters, and bringin’ the franchises’ continuity to an acceptable close with tons o’ prequel opportunities. Top shelf filmmakin’ through and though but not without its sours. The tattoo parlor scene, for instance, doesn’t make any sense once you learn the truth ’bout the fella who almost dies. Doesn’t this gag o’ a punchline suggest some omnipotent force as Death can actually be tricked or have its facts wrong? Ridick! MRI chaos, metal springs through the brain basket, peanut allergies, folks crushed by wheelchairs, Looney Tunes deaths by piano, fatal freefallin’, bad luck pennies, folks cut in half by elevators, eye impalin’, full-on garbage truck head crushin’ with eye contact, arm severin’, head mowin’, head impalin’, near drownin’, log crushin’ deaths, derailed trains, head smashin’, explodin’ cabins, death cheat codes, break away dance floors, human matchsticks, and mass panickin’ fatalities! 4/5! 

SINNERS (2025)

Set in the 1930s, a a couple o’ mob associated brothers return home to Mississippi to open a juke joint, but good times turn into a bloodbath when a hive mind o’ bloodsuckers descend on the party fer their blues guitarist who possesses the power to tap into the spiritual pipeline o’ generations past and future. Half period drama half monster movie, most movie buffs would compare this to From Dusk Til Dawn, but Sinners is an entirely different beast altogether. Full o’ depth and layers, the filmmakers cleverly weave alotta commentary on the struggles o’ the time into the story without beatin’ viewers over the head from minority struggles to economic hardships and throw a dash o’ gangster violence in with a touch of World War I leftovers that entrance me to a point o’ disbelievin’ I sat through a two and half hour movie! With plenty of memorable characters, unexpected moments, and a great villain to boot, this easily breaks into the horror hall o’ fame o’ vampire flicks. Native American vampire hunters, KKK affiliated lynch mobs, one man army shoot ’em up massacres, neck bitin’, hive mind singin’ and dancin’, folks spittin’ in each other’s mouths, supernatural blues singin’, impaled heads, mass anguish, fanger infernos, knee shootin’, on screen whizzin’, hoodoo women, bloodsucker testin’ with garlic, and classy on screen whoopee! 4/5!

VENOM (1981)

A botched kidnappin’ goes from bad to worse as a boy and his grandpa are held hostage in their mansion by Oliver Reed and Klaus Kinski who find themselves stuck ‘tween a rock and hard place with police outside and a loose black mamba inside. More police procedural than horror, the focus o’ the movie is more on the hostage drama than the snake which sporadically pops in fer shock value whenever the movie starts to get a little dull. The funniest part is whenever Oliver and Klaus act like they have to hunt this poisonous reptile down to protect ’emselves, but the safest thing fer ’em to do is to just stop messin’ with it. Not a terrible flick, but definitely has a more interstin’ backstory to its troubled production that involved director Tobe Hooper bein’ ran off by disgruntled cast members. Lingerie bedroom scenes, repetitive face bitin’, fatal freefallin’ while fightin’ rubber snakes, snake baby teases, and shotguns to the chest! 3/5! 

THE GREASY STRANGLER (2016)

In this highest achievement of cinematic vulgarity, a couple o’ bullshittin’ tour guides strengthen their bond as father and son as they compete for a gal’s sexual appetite while the good hearted son suspects his perv of a pop is the grease covered cannibal stranglin’ folks in the neighborhood. An off the wall flick that entertains as much as it disgusts, this sucker watches like a feature length Adult Swim sketch fer Pornhub. It’s full o’ earworm quotes that’ll stick with ya long after the movie’s over, wonderfully campy special effects, and (dare I say brave?) actors willin’ to bare it all in the name of filmmakin’. To enjoy any of that, however, ya gotta tolerate alotta (and I mean ALOTTA) awkward birthday suits with some of the ugliest male member prosthetics ever committed to celluloid that remind me o’ ’em plastic witch fingers ya wear at Halloween, and an equally sickenin’ ‘mount o’ gag inducin’ shots o’ weirdos devourin’ grease caked meals. Dongs galore, walkthrough carwashes, dancin’ and b-ballin’ with decapitated heads, eye poppin’ stranglin’, eyeball eatin’, nose cavity tastin’, unexplained pig men, boobs ‘tween the sheets, disco dancin’, revealin’ disco attire, Looney Tunes disguises, ear rippin’ and eatin’, moonin’ galore, folks thrown through vendin’ machines, heads punched into ’emselves, grapefruit teasin’, gals peein’, and bizarre gunfire executions! 3/5! 

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS (2023)

After a monster raisin’ ritual turns into a Halloween bloodbath, the only survivor is carted off to jail on murder charges and must endure a second round o’ Cthulhu inspired chaos as curious authorities accidentally tamper with evidence that transports the precinct to a horror filled dimension o’ blood thirsty creatures. Pretty imaginative story with a sweet ensemble o’ cops and crooks pitted ‘gainst charmingly DIY special effects, this ain’t a bad flick whatsoever, but could be a lot more excitin’ and faster paced. A bigger disappointment, however, is this not feelin’ Halloweeny ‘nough despite two party scenes and a handful o’ costumed characters runnin’ ’round. Plenty o’ room fer improvement but still worth a watch! Decapitatin’, chainsaw deaths, evisceratin’, head squishin’, resurrected hench wenches, plot scepters, booty call bait, interdimensional travelin’, spellcastin’, corrosive facials, hand strippin’, human meals, flesh eatin’ puppets galore, little furry puppet monsters, and tentacle action galore! 3/5! 

CLOWN IN A CORNFIELD (2025)

When annoyin’ high schoolers from a little fly over state town exploit the local corn syrup factory’s mascot Frendo as a killer clown fer their social media feeds, the yokels are livid, and tensions over this town pride controversy reach a murderous breakin’ point as these wannabe filmmakers find ’emselves hunted by someone disguised as their star slasher. An overall solid flick based on the popular horror novel of the same name, this is a fine watch but nothin’ memorable fer the most part. The actin’s good despite less than stellar dialogue, there’s over the top gore but nothin’ too graphic, most the characters feel interchangeable, Frendo’s committin’ superhuman acts at times fer no good reason, and there’s alotta kills that happen way too quick fer ’em to be effectively scary. Best parts of the movie is the reveal of just how much damage Frendo is capable of, and some panicked millennials not knowin’ how to call 911 on a rotary phone. Jaws nods, corn field chasin’, impalin’ with sharp objects and chainsaws, arrows through the back and eyes, explodin’ barns, drainage escapes, gay romancin’, dead bucks, bogus scarin’, bench pressin’ decapitations with hacksaws, head smashin’ with girders, deep throatin’ cattle prods, hang ’em high executin’, shotgunned hands, severed limb operatin’, jugular stabbin’, barn parties, human road kill, car wreckin’ rescues, and dead sister backstories! 3/5! 

FRANKIE FREAKO (2024)

When a square of an office drone calls the Frankie Freako party line to bring some excitement to his mundane routine, he gets more than he bargains fer as three rubber party monsters invade his tidy home, wreakin’ ‘nough havoc to warrant the attention o’ their home dimensions’ overlord with his own vendetta ‘gainst the rowdy guests. Inspired by Freddie Freaker’s 1-900 commercial, this is one o’ ’em times the movie I pictured in my head is better than what I ended up watchin’. Prepared fer somethin’ more like House Party meets The Gate, this is more like a subtle feature length gag you’d find on Adult Swim with the filmmakers constantly subvertin’ my expectations with left turns intended fer mild chuckles over outrageous shock and awe. While it’s not the film I was hopin’ fer, however, it’s still a solid easy-to-follow movie with some top shelf production value and memorable monster effects. Feet impaled with nails, monstrous puppet transformations, booger beasts with chainsaws, interdimensional hoppin’, mine cart chasin’, fart drinkin’, shoot ’em ups, robot armies, puppet minion meltin’, firearm booby traps, shotgun facials, vandalizin’, face pummelin’, and massive glue traps! 3/5! 

HORROR IN THE FOREST (2023)

A supernatural snuff film inspires a gang of self proclaimed spook chasers to document its origins, leadin’ the paranormal gumshoes to an infamous forest where yokels blame unexplained disappearances on a mean bitch of a witch. Boastin’ crisp camerawork, adequate storytellin’, and decent actin’, I think the filmmakers put their best effort into this found footage horror, but it’s just a snoozefest of a Blair Witch wannabe. If ya enjoy alotta meanderin’ through the woods with hysterical randos poppin’ in and out ’til everythin’ culminates in some sucker punch of a ritual that underwhelmingly reveals the witch in the blink of an eye, then you enjoy losin’ ’em brain cells! Offscreen eye gougin’, off camera yankin’, throat slittin’, magic mirrors, campsite massacres, and victim swappin’ rituals! 3/5! 

HOUSE OF THE DEAD (2003)

Late to a secluded rave on the Island of Death, a boat load o’ partiers find the shindig’s been ravaged by an immortal priest’s trespass hatin’ zombie experiments and unload an armory’s worth o’ bullet time fury on the undead meat heads to get their asses back to civilization. Based on the shmup video game from Sega, I avoided this flick fer years based on its piss poor reviews since its initial release and am shocked to learn it ain’t all that bad. Clueless o’ its video game history and solely focusin’ on it as a stand alone movie, this is a pretty competent film with sweet zombies effects, entertainin’ action, and distinguishable characters providin’ all the heckle fodder audiences need fer a campy good time. The only sours that bug me are clips from the actual game bein’ randomly inserted in different scenes, the cartoony approach to certain characters’ costumes like the sea men, the lack o’ an explanation fer how the rave ended up on this infamous island to begin with, the filmmakers’ inconsistency with the kill screens and transitions they incorporate from the game, and the unbelievable wildcard editin’ when the first war o’ a fight scene decides to ‘come a full blown music video ‘fore switchin’ to some life-flashin’-‘fore-yer-eyes montage of insanity. Nothin’ great by a looong shot but more fun than the hate hype leads ya to think. Corrosive facials, tunnel zombies, explodin’ houses, grenade suicides, skinny dippin’ with boobs, kickin’ galore, bullet time effects galore, boat zombies, rave zombies, swamp zombies, raves with boobs, gun smugglin’, leg chewin’, porta-potty incidents, dead folk’s faces used fer disguises, backstories on the high seas, headless fightin’, decapitatin’, boobs on a boat, swords through the heart, immortality serums, mad science labs, laughable zombie barricades, and head stompin’! 3/5!  

UNTIL DAWN (2025)

The long overdue hunt fer a gal’s missin’ sister leads her and her friends to a secluded welcome center in the sticks where they find themselves trapped in a mad scientist’s time loopin’ experiment o’ terror with only 13 chances to reset their deaths and survive the never-endin’ night ‘gainst a growin’ army o’ killers and wooly boogers! Best described as Cabin in the Woods meets Happy Death Day, gamers may hate how little this sucker resembles the video game it’s based on, but it’s still a fun packed monster mash fer movie buffs with no knowledge of its Playstation origins. That said, however, there’s alotta sours with the script that undermines its potential fer silver scream greatness. Biggest problem bein’ the half-ass explanation fer how any of this “experiment” works, and who’s responsible fer any of it bein’ set in motion. With mentions of trauma triggered transformations, time travel, and psychosomatics crossed with science mumbo jumbo and the supernatural, I don’t even think the filmmakers know what the hell’s goin’ on, and that leaves the plot lookin’ like Swiss cheese. Combine that with most the friends’ fatal attempts at survival bein’ breezed over and the latter half of the monster parade bein’ dominated by Walking Dead wannabes, the flaws in this flick just ‘comes too overwhelmin’ to think through! Gas station manipulation, explosive water, asylum showdowns, possessin’ galore, wendigos galore, supposed zombies, bear traps to the leg and face, masked slashers, gassin’ witches, throat slittin’, explodin’ yahoos, big ass monsters in the woods, teases at werewolves, flesh rottin’ worms in faces, stabbin’s galore, folks cut in half at the waist, underground chasin’, rain storms, sledge hammers through the brain basket, invisible assailants, ‘lotta violent draggin’, head slammin’, and eye gougin’! 3/5! 

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (2009)

Two friends hike to a random town in the countryside and inadvertently find ’emselves fulfillin’ a prophecy to free the villagers from a centuries ol’ vampire queen who cursed their daughters to turn into blood thirsty carpet munchers on their eighteenth birthdays. A satisfyin’ chuckle overall with a respectable production value, this action comedy surprisingly holds back on the amount o’ skin I expected to see and offers a new kind o’ vampy gore with fangers bleedin’ buckets o’ white goo ‘stead o’ the traditional plasma. Only sours causin’ me a wince is the oddly timed fast forward edits I don’t think add anythin’ to the movie, and the bombastic score distractin’ from the scenes every now and ‘gain. Sword fightin’, grave robbin’, cross defenses, decapitatin’, impalin’, head splittin’, axes through the brain basket, vampy transformations, lesbo lip-lockin’ with boobs, monstrous resurrectin’, and explodin’ fangers! 3/5! 

WOLFMAN (2025)

A sad sap tries bringin’ his family closer together with a vacation to his dead survivalist dad’s cabin in the sticks, but an attack from a feral beast drives an even bigger wedge ‘tween him and his wife as she’s gotta protect their daughter from the bloodthirsty creature and its infectious bite that’s steadily turnin’ her husband into a baldin’ werewolf with a hearin’ problem overnight. A truly lackluster flick, I can’t believe how forgettable this Universal Monsters entry is. There just ain’t ‘nough characters or dialogue, I don’t give two hoots who lives or dies, and the action sequences leave a lot to be desired with one helluva confusin’ car wreck in some treetops that laughably changes heights from shot to shot with how close anyone could fall to their death. I guess it makes sense the leads don’t have the best screen chemistry given their character’s problem riddled marriage, but I still think this could’ve been cast better. I also think the filmmakers handicap any and all character development when they remove the husband’s ability to communicate halfway through, as he transforms into one of the saddest werewolf designs I’ve ever seen. Daddy trauma, poisonous mushrooms, deer slaughterin’, bullets to the face, car battery slingin’, car wreckin’, hunter maulin’,  super hearin’, werewolf-o-vision, spiders, self arm chewin’, green house chases, and werewolf on werewolf brawlin’! 2/5! 

COMPANION (2025)

The perfect murder dominos into one fatal screw-up after ‘nother when a robot companion ‘comes self aware after learnin’ its owner and his friends hacked its safety protocols to kill a fat cat they know fer an easy pay day and fights to not be deactivated. A terrifically written sci-fi that keeps the surprises comin’, this sucker has a great balance of action, heart, and humor that keeps me engaged from beginnin’ to end. The ineptness o’ the humans’ plans fer coverin’ their crime don’t always make sense and the final showdown ‘tween the robot and its owner get a little repetitive, but this is top shelf filmmakin’ through and through. Neck stabbin’ with knives, automatic wine openers to the noggin’, flame engulfed arms, robo hands, bullets through the chest, back stabbin’, face pummelin’, windshield shoot ’em ups, Jack Quaid’s “OH” face, love link memory makin’, robo suicides with tasers, remote controlled suicides with bullets through the Wi-Fi basket, vault robbin’, self drivin’ cars, and robot on robot brawlin’! 4/5! 

PHANTOM EMPIRE (1987)

In a world where nothin’ incredible shocks anyone, a gang of treasure hunters brave well lit caves to steal flesh eatin’ monsters’ jewelry, but they take a wrong turn into an underground land o’ claymation dinosaurs and must escape the clutches of a statuesque alien and her army of robots and cave girl bimbos. A fun little low budget camp fest from writer/director Fred Olen Ray, this sucker delivers alotta B movie sweets but unfortunately suffers from a pace that limps most the run time ’til things pick up halfway through. Despite this borderline pissin’ time, however, there’s just ‘nough talent ‘mong our ensemble of surface dwellers to keep things entertainin’ (mostly thanks to Jeffrey Combs’ lively performance) and plenty o’ heckle worthy writin’ to keep viewers engaged with one quirky scenario after ‘nother. Cave explorin’, lookouts in car trunks, gore-tastic head rippin’, human meals on spits, severed hand stews, e.t. cars, wrecked space ships, topless cat fightin’, laser shootin’ robot guards, mirror reflectin’ defenses, finger pointin’ translatin’, monstrous shoot ’em ups, flash light weaknesses, spear chuckin’, dinosaur carcasses, topless Michelle Bauer, non-topless Sybil Danning, and dead dogs! 3/5! 

M3GAN (2022)

A robotics whiz in the toy industry wants to launch a kid friendly line o’ edutainin’ droids called M3gan that utilize adaptive learnin’ software to offer young’ns the antics of a best friend with the comfort o’ a parent, but the eager toymaker realizes there’s still a lot o’ dangerous kinks to work out as her prototype bonds with her traumatized niece and ‘comes overly protective to a murderous fault. While a top shelf production through and through from its convincin’ actors to the special effects and camerawork, M3gan ain’t nothin’ I ain’t seen ‘fore. Flicks with robots goin’ haywire as they ‘come more independent on account o’ evolvin’ directives are a dime a dozen, and this just barely stands out ‘mong the bunch thanks to its stylized approach and a memorable second of killer bot dancin’. But no matter how predictable this flick is, it’s still the killer toy movie I wish Chucky’s 2019 remake of Child’s Play could’ve been. Ya know — without Chucky! Dog killin’, dog bites, stretchy ear rippin’, young’n roadkill, four legged chasin’, chest impalin’, throat slittin’, lab explodin’, battle bot fight sequences, dead parent drama, kiddie tantrums, bot rippin’, face dismantlin’, smart home hackin’, chip stabbin’, and pressure washin’ folks to death with poisonous chemicals! 4/5!  

THE WOMAN IN THE YARD (2025)

As if dealin’ with the loss of her husband and strugglin’ to keep the lights on while her young’ns half starve ain’t ‘nough, a defeated artist finds a mysterious cloaked woman in her yard and fears the worse as the trespasser slowly inches her way to her door with malicious intent. SPOILERS! If ya enjoy flicks full o’ heavy handed metaphors fer suicidal depression, unlikable characters, and storytellin’ that turns itself inside out like a pretentious student film inspired by Fight Club kinda twists, then this confusin’ little movie is fer you! Don’t get me wrong, I respect an artsy fartsy flick as much as the next movie buff, but this sucker really tests my limits fer what I find entertainin’. I can forgive the erratic mom bein’ such an unredeemable character, and this bein’ a short story’s worth of material stretched to feature length, but how are the filmmakers gonna pull a split personality/all-in-her-head kinda reveal at the end when the kids clearly see the woman in the yard as a second person? Bullshit. Disappearin’ dogs, buncha dead chickens, slight nods to Poltergiest, pillow stabbin’, switcheroo identities, car wreckin’, mirror death dimensions, attackin’ shadows, flyin’ kitchenwares, leg wound pickin’, and shotguns to the brainbasket offscreen! 2/5!

825 FOREST ROAD (2025)

A family moves into a town no one told ’em was at the mercy o’ a vengeful mother’s pissed off ghost and experience ‘nough strange events to wanna burn the spirit’s last residence down to be rid of her, but turns out that address is closer than anyone suspected (except the audience). Long, dull, and starrin’ leads whose performances are as exhilaratin’  as a set o’ kitchen chairs, this is one to miss, Scream Freaks. Aesthetically, the movie’s solid with its cinematography and edits, but the story’s just too convoluted regardin’ the ghost’s background and all these different places and people she screws with, makin’ the rules to her hauntin’s hard to follow. Only good part fer me is when she possesses a mannequin to scare the bejabbers outta its owner. Flawless fatality endin’s, possessin’ galore, phantom door knockin’, haunted book stackin’, spooked support groups, suicidal mentions, crawlin’ booga-boos, camera confessional massacres, and bullyin’ backstories! 2/5! 

GHOST TRACK (2022)

Decades after being fatally hit by a train, the ghost of a young boy rises from his grave to exact revenge on a gang o’ friends he supposedly thinks could’ve done more to help him. Best described as an indie flick that tries way to hard, this is a snooze fest of laughable filmmakin’. You’ve got a ghost bein’ treated like a slasher with some head scratchin’ weaknesses, repetitive scenes on top o’ repetitive scenes, a careless mix-up o’ night and day shots with characters always sayin’ it’s the opposite o’ whatever’s on screen, jump cut editin’, a prior event involvin’ a missin’ school bus that feels totally disjointed, and ’80s themed disco parties with no disco! I’ll give the filmmakers kudos on a creative ‘nough story, but even that’s still a couple of drafts away from bein’ anythin’ worth watchin’! Stabbin’ ghost party crashers, vengeful siblin’s, ghost summonin’, skeletal remains, disappearin’ buses, knife grapplin’, knifes to the neck, fatal freefallin’ from bridges, and supernatural ambushes from the attic! 2/5! 

MOSQUITO MAN aka MANSQUITO (2005)

A guinea pig of a death row inmate picks the wrong time and place to make a darin’ escape and is accidentally showered in experimental chemicals that mutate him into a flyin’ mosquito man with two things on his bug brain; homicidal bloodsuckin’ and mutie matin’ with a scientist who’s also turnin’ buggy. A comic booky kinda take on The Fly if Brundlefly went on a monstrous rampage, this flick is better than it deserves to be fer an idiot box feature on the Syfy channel of all places. Not only does it boast a fast paced story full o’ action and gore with a top shelf production behind it, it has a nice round-up o’ convincin’ actors fer leads and stars one helluva special effects mon-star. An underrated gem in every sense, this is my kinda monster movie through and through! Flyby attackin’, chest impalin’, bar massacres, lab explodin’, mosquito science, head choppin’, missile firin’, hospital explodin’, monstrous transformations, skin rashes, shoot ’em ups galore, bullets to the chest, hostage takin’, self sacrificin’, mosquit-o-vision, blood drinkin’ galore, taserin’, SWAT action, limb severin’, and full head stompin’! 4/5!

LARVA (2005)

Toxic poo from enhanced cow feed leads to enormous mutant parasites burstin’ outta barbeque fans in a remote cattle town, and only a disgraced veterinarian can save the day with a big-ass explosion. While the story itself is solid ‘nough fer an idiot box feature on the Syfy channel, the sours that really hurt this sucker is its horrendous color gradin’ the first half the movie and piss poor design of the monsters. Seriously, these flesh hungry cartoons just look like a buncha dead wet leaves blowin’ ’round! The cast was more than earnin’ their paychecks convincin’ me these CGI boogers can take over the world. Dead cow tippin’, chest burstin’, explodin’ sewers, tainted meat cookouts, rottin’ critters, creepy crawlin’ boogers, shoot ’em ups, shower deaths, head and crotch munchin’, hospital massacres, fatal front seat make-out sessions, and underwear model chasin’! 3/5! 

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 (2022)

Sorority pledges are teamed with a bumblin’ gang of peepin’ toms and forced to break into a bowlin’ alley as part of their initiation to steal a trophy that happens to contain the son of the evil wish grantin’ imp their Tri-Delta sisters encountered decades ‘fore. If ya seen the first Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, then partner, ya seen this one. Almost beat fer beat, this is the same story but with bigger dimwits fer characters and more creative high budget twists fer wishes that go sideways fast. While Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer reprise their roles from the first flick as ghosts, Linnea Quigley sadly doesn’t come back as my favorite bad girl with a heart of gold Spider, but Kelli Maroney’s a sweet replacement in her absence as the sorority house mother. Fine film overall, I just wish it had more of its own identity. Stuffed spy cam animals, shower scenes with boobs and more, undressin’ scenes with boobs, peanut gallery spooks, money shittin’ wishes, mergin’ lovemakin’, and breakin’ ‘n enterin’! 2/5!

ST. PATRICK’S DAY: THE SLUAGH AWAKENS (2022)

In some undisclosed town that may or may not be Cleveland, Ohio, an Irish men warns folks to steer clear of the sticks whenever the moon is full and red on St. Patrick’s Day, ’cause the mythical equivalent of cougars known as leprechauns aka changelings aka sluaghs might grab ’em fer a fleshy snack or ritual fodder. Of course, a gang o’ teens ignore the rule to get a peek at one of these magical bein’s and opens a whole can o’ unlucky worms that leads to — a zombie apocalypse?! One of the stranger St. Patty’s Day horrors I’ve seen committed to celluloid, this sucker’s a real mish mash o’ stories and ideas that somehow comes together like only an indie production can. I’m constantly guessin’ what part of the world we’re even in, there’s multiple storylines that miraculously come together somehow, and my brain checks out as the last half the movie amazingly devolves into livin’ dead action sequences. The filmmakers certainly picked the best holiday to set this on, ’cause partner, yer gonna need all the alcohol ya can get to sit through it! Wacky tobacky smokin’, underage drinkin’, maulin’, shoot ’em ups, backwoods sacrificin’, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, flesh eatin’ pile ups, musical entrancin’, gas pump brawlin’, and bullets to the brain basket! 2/5!  

SNAKEMAN aka THE SNAKE KING (2005)

After discoverin’ the corpse of a fella who’s estimated to have died at the ripe ol’ age of 300 in the Amazon jungle, greedy anthropologists send an armed expedition into the green inferno to find the stiff’s secret to longevity and piss off reptile worshippin’ tribals with a literal fountain of youth protected by a big ass cartoon snake with seven heads. While not deliverin’ on the titular promise of a literal “snake man” so much as a snake wrangler, this is still a monster flick through and through, and a pretty solid one at that. Despite the CG snake lookin’ like a campy special effect right outta Land of the Lost, there’s a nice mix of distinguishable characters, plenty of action, and a story that’s easy ‘nough to follow with it rehashin’ the usual tropes of a jungle adventure I’ve seen a million times ‘fore. Spears versus arrows, fatal squeezin’, folks swallowed whole, human meals ripped in half, arm rippin’, leg rippin’, Apocalypse Now nods, helicopter crashin’, tribal dancin’, arrows to the chest, goat sacrificin’, snake-o-vision, decapitatin’, and face meltin’ venom spittin’! 3/5!

SKELETON MAN (2004)

When an archeological study of Native American artifacts somehow summons a teleportin’ grim reaper on horseback with a one track mind fer killin’ anyone he sees breathin’, an unconvincin’ squad of Hollywood lookin’ soldiers are assigned to take him out at any cost. One of the most inept flicks ever committed to celluloid, this disasterpiece has to be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! More sours than sweets, nothin’ ’bout this story makes sense right out the gate. The geography’s all over the place, scenes and sets confusingly mesh together, the soldiers look more like hikers with army surplus gear thrown on ’em, the editing’s all elbows, and the headlinin’ mon-star is beyond ridiculous. The filmmakers stick in a hobo’s exposition dump over army beans halfway through that hints the Skeleton Man might be the ghost of some crazed Native American warrior, but if that’s the case, why does he look like a Party City costume of Skeletor from the 1987 He-Man movie? I mean, he’s so far removed from anythin’ remotely Native American, any origin story I pull outta my tailbone ’bout aliens or robots makes more sense! Shoot ’em ups galore, semi-truck crashin’, explosions galore, grenade trappin’, electrocutin’, Tom and Jerry chasin’ in chemical plants, skulls ripped outta chests, head smashin’, decapitatin’, spearin’, stabbin’, impalin’, Skeleton Man-O-Vision, teleportin’, axe fightin’, sword fightin’, tribal massacres, arrows to the chest, scalpin’,  fatal freefallin’, and limb severin’! 2/5! 

THE MONKEY (2025)

Twin brothers ditch a cursed wind-up monkey they inherit after learnin’ its drummin’ causes freak accidents that kill the nearest rando, but when a non-stop slew o’ over the top deaths start plaquin’ their hometown 25 years later, the estranged siblin’s know the tinker toy from hell is back, and they gotta stop whoever’s crankin’ its key. An oddball adaptation of a Stephen King short that’s as wacky as The Mangler, this horror/comedy is top shelf on its surface from its sweet cinematography, gore-tastic deaths with folks’ bodies equatin’ to water balloons or butter, and leadin’ man Theo James’s captivatin’ performance as the bickerin’ brothers, but its story leaves a lot to be desired. To nitpick a few of these sours, the backstory eats up too much screen time, the overall timeline of events is confusin’ regardin’ who has the monkey when and who’s dead ’cause of ’em, and new characters are introduced so poorly, I was mistakin’ the second set o’ trouble makin’ brothers fer ‘nother flashback with the twins in their 20s. A fun watch overall, but not great. Hibachi decapitatin’, death by stampedes, aneurisms, spear gun disembowelin’, explodin’ high divin’, fatal shotgun accidents, mass beheadin’s, death cheerin’, mowed heads, fire engulfed head impalin’, mouthfuls of wasps, bowlin’ ball decapitatin’, and death on a pale horse! 3/5!  

TAROT CURSE (2025)

When a gang of yahoos visit a cheap location passin’ fer New Orleans, they’re wrangled in fer a witch’s tarot card readin’ that curses ’em to die in the most ridiculous ways imaginable if they achieve their short term goals. Arguably a poor man’s Final Destination with voodoo in the mix, this sucker gets props fer effort with a decent cast, great score, and respectable production value, but a bad script is a script. The filmmakers don’t give appropriate screen time to the last girl, the villains are under utilized, there’s one too many longwinded scenes of characters yappin’ ’bout their feelin’s that test my attention span, and the set-ups fer the kills are just lazy with folks turnin’ to human Play-Doh upon their death. The only real take away from this flick is a sweet moment of Troma level gore when a gal has her arm mangled to shreds in a vendin’ machine ‘fore crawlin’ to her agonizin’ death in the middle of a busy hospital. Tarnations! Cranium crushin’ with bowlin’ balls, possessin’, extras needed, head impalin’ with chandeliers, throat slittin’, arm destroyin’, invisible assailants, scalpin’ without a knife, and some of the saddest scenes of Mardi Gras ever committed to celluloid! 2/5! 

Y2K (2024)

It’s New Year’s Eve 1999, and the Y2K bug has officially gone Maximum Overdrive in at least one town with yahoos’ newly sentient electronics killin’ and enslavin’ ’em fer bio energy ‘less a hodge podge o’ teenage social cliques can work together to overthrow the ever evolvin’ race o’ machines. A fun period piece that rewrites history fer the worst, this sucker is pure ’90s nostalgia fuel with a terrific cast of talent that keeps me engaged to the rockin’ end as they fight various heaps of hostile junk that reminds me of the monsters from Virus with a little bit o’ Lawnmower Man thrown in. The only sours keepin’ this flick from bein’ a homerun is a few dead spots in the pacin’ and a slightly wonky escalation o’ danger, but otherwise a great watch. Human matchsticks, flamethrowin’ bots, face impalin’ with CDs, VHS tapes, and fan blades, plane crashin’, decapitatin’ with hedge trimmers, barf inducin’ porta potty escapes, chip implantin’, computer hackin’, blenders to the nuts, hippy communes, wacky tobacky in video stores, fatal skateboard accidents, chest impalin’, head drillin’, microwaved heads, Limp Bizkit distractions, house parties, shopliftin’, Tae Boin’, condom saves, and CG monster throwbacks! 4/5! 

PYTHON (2000)

A big-ass cartoon snake escapes a top secret government experiment and enjoys a buffet of small town yokels with only its gene-splicin’ creator and a love triangle of heroes threatenin’ its acid spewin’ dominance of the food chain. That plot alone might strike folks as ‘nother in a long line of bland Syfy original kinda schlock, but this sucker surprisingly checks all the boxes fer one helluva fun watch! The special effects fer the titular mon-star ain’t Anaconda, mind ya, but it’s done well ‘nough to convince me how dangerous the CG monstrosity is as it slithers after a real star studded cast of enjoyable B listers I recognize from Karate Kid and the Got Milk? commercials to Robert Englund as the scientist responsible for the abnormally large pest. That ‘long with a slew o’ wacky supportin’ characters, well paced storytellin’, and a rockin’ soundtrack easily makes this a new favorite o’ mine fer movie nights with fellow hecklers! Samurai swingin’ real estate agents, python blocked lesbo hook-ups, half-melted corpses, explodin’ water treatment centers, plane crashin’, campin’ massacres, shoot ’em up massacres, playground brawlin’, skin sheddin’, boobs in the shower with monsters, bike chasin’, disembowelin’, and folks swallowed whole! 4/5! 

PYTHON 2 (2002)

When the Russians capture their own big ass snake, the small town sheriff who helped stop the cartoon reptile in the first Python returns as a special US agent with orders to steal it from a rebel bunker, but plans change from retrieval to survival as he and his team find out the CG critter’s loose and trappin’ everyone fer a meal. Not nearly as fun as the first flick and even lower quality, this is one of ’em movies that sorta-kinda copycats the plot from Aliens with armed guys jumpin’ into a bad situation then fightin’ their way outta compound. The only sweet ingredient savin’ this sucker from bein’ a throwaway creature feature is Billy Zabka comin’ back fer a second round and combinin’ his natural charm with Dana Ashbrook and Simmone Jade Mackinnon playin’ movers he suckers into transportin’ the snake. Feels like the filmmakers did the best they could with what they had, but I still wish it were better. Plane crashin’, rebel attackin’, folks swallowed whole, fatal squeezin’, explosions galore, C4 pitchin’, explodin’ cartoon critters, acid spittin’, temporary blindin’, bunker massacres, lightnin’ guns, and head knockin’ blackouts! 3/5! 

NOSFERATU (2024)

A real estate deal turns into a rat infested plague of a nightmare as a bloodsuckin’ count in the sticks looks fer a fresh start in the city where he can spread his fear anew and steal the love of his realtor’s hysterical wife. If ya seen Count Orlok in the original Nosferatu from 1922 or its 1972 remake or any of the Dracula movies based on Bram Stoker’s book this is all adapted from, then you’ve seen this movie. Director Robert Eggers brings his signature style with a phenomenal support system of top shelf cast and crew, but it’s the same beat fer beat story with the exception of the realtor’s wife gettin’ more screen time with her constantly spazzin’ into these Exorcist inspired scenes the closer Orlok comes to claimin’ her. Even fer a recycled story, however, it’s solid filmmakin’ through and through with no real sours to speak of, other than lackin’ a more memorable distinction from the other interpretations. Horseback ridin’ in the nude, buttcrack by candlelight, wolves, supernatural shadows, stakin’, arson, sacrificial wives, life revivin’ rituals, plague ridden boat rides, rats galore, young’n killin’, asylum minions, boob suckin’ ‘tween the sheets, and possessin’! 4/5! 

LOVER’S LANE (1999)

An infamous psycho with a hook fer a hand escapes the loony bin on Valentine’s Day, and he’s supposedly itchin’ to slash the brats of his previous victims ‘long with their horny teen cohorts at the town’s favorite make-out spot, Lover’s Lane. Arguably the most convoluted adaptation of the hook man legend, this sucker’s bustin’ with more red herrin’s, love triangles, and whodunnits than anyone can shake a stick at. With poor audio and so-so cinematography to boot, the filmmakers at least manage to cast some entertainin’ talent in the roles of the walkin’ hormones but ain’t winnin’ any scores for gore with alotta ’em dyin’ offscreen. Brainwashin’, psych-out affairs, throat slashin’, fridges with decapitated dog heads, breakin’ and enterin’, cigarette lighters to the face, near fatal break-ups, not too holiday horror heavy, leg impalin’ with knives, car wrecks, swimmin’ pool fightin’, hooks up the hoo-haws, explodin’ houses, quick sex ed classes, front seat mackin’ with boobs, burn victims, psych-out deaths, and loony bin escapin’! 3/5!  

THE BIRTHDAY (2004)

While a dweeby pushover hopelessly tries impressin’ fat cats at a birthday party fer his rich girlfriend’s dad at a hotel, he stumbles into a mess of conspiracies behind the scenes and finds himself recruited in a stranger’s fight to stop the hotel staff from summonin’ a doomsday beast. More artsy indie flick than horror, this sucker reminds me of From Dusk Til Dawn with how it flips genres midway through. The first half feels endless with quirky characters havin’ one uneasy interaction after ‘nother with longwinded conversations that never seem to go anywhere, but then the stuff with the doomsday cult is introduced and things pick up a bit (though not fast ‘nough fer me) with suspenseful chases and rescue attempts from an impendin’ horror that’s best described as a pantomime performance of The Thing. The film looks great and Corey Feldman wonderfully carries the movie like only he can, but there just ain’t ‘nough payoff fer anyone, especially horror fans, who commit to seein’ this through to the end credits. Roofy drinks galore, fist fightin’, spies, behavior alterin’ sound waves, sound drop chaos, ballroom massacres, conjoined creatures of doom, head choppin’, heart attacks, and indecisive world savin’ climaxes! 2/5! 

HEART EYES (2025)

The infamous Heart Eyes Killer has come to Seattle fer his annual Valentine’s Day killin’ spree of lovers who can’t resist public displays of affection, and he’s eager to hack up two unlucky co-workers whose business dinner is mistakin’ fer a date. A relentless holiday horror that rides a fine ‘tween laughs and scares, this flick watches like an SNL Digital Short pokin’ fun at Hallmark movies with a comic book villain fer a slasher. While the buddin’ romance ‘tween the last girl and guy is genuinely convincin’ with humor that’s on the very fringe of slapstick, the Heart Eyes Killer (aka HEK) keeps takin’ me out of the movie thanks to him performin’ super human feats that follow Marvel movie physics. But while I can still enjoy a masked murderer who could have been a villain on CW’s Arrow, I wish the story stopped at HEK’s first demise and didn’t unravel into this ridiculously unnecessary Scream inspired reveal that raises more stupid questions than answers. Wherever ya decide to stop the movie, however, it definitely earns a spot next to My Bloody Valentine (1981 & 2009) and Valentine (2001) fer yearly viewin’! Noticeable sound design work, stabbin’s galore, flag pole impalin’, serial killin’ buddy system, vibratin’ dildos, folks squished in winery machines, crossbows to the neck and feet, tire iron impalin’, extendo bolts to the face, vomitin’ on bodies, van rockin’ with boobs, drive-in massacres, knives to the nuts, good cop/bad cop interrogatin’, human matchsticks, hot wax hurtin’, closet ambushin’, merry-go-round chasin’, night vision stalkin’, killer POV, stabbin’s through cameras, hostage shootin’, bullets to the gut, and long winded decapitatin’! 4/5! 

THE SENTINTEL (1977)

A successful New York model moves into a buildin’ full o’ weirdo neighbors and slowly learns she’s been chosen as God’s next sentry to blindly guard a gate to hell upstairs on account o’ her previously attemptin’ suicide after catchin’ her wrinkle of an abusive dad in a horrid lookin’ three-way. A top shelf studio picture packed with an unbelievable cast of who’s who talent, this ain’t the most excitin’ story, and the filmmakers take their time gettin’ the scares underway, but it’s none the less grippin’ with a steady escalation of intrigue ‘mong the oddball neighbors, unsettlin’ imagery, and hauntin’ twists. But no matter how supernatural things get, the most memorable moments I take away from this flick is the model’s laughable reactions to things like her immediate decision to slit her wrists at the sight of her pop’s menage e eww or when she politely averts her eyes at the uncomfortable sight of her horn dog neighbor randomly pleasurin’ herself in front of her. Ghostly apparitions, birthday parties fer cats, undead killers, deformed armies from hell, face crackin’, holy cross defenses, face hackin’, homicide drama, priest stranglin’, head bashin’, and attempted suicide! 4/5!

JACK IN THE BOX RISES (2024)

A criminal mastermind forces rando teens to hunt fer the demonic Jack in the box so he can make a wish, and he sends one bopper with an attitude to infiltrate an all girls school where the clownish slasher’s already on the prowl to fulfill someone’s fantasy with six unlucky souls in exchange. This third installment in the Jack in the Box series, this sucker is frustratin’ to say the least. The filmmakers’ got a decent ‘nough cast, great lookin’ monster, and ‘nough skill and money to produce a slick lookin’ horror flick, but it sorely lacks style and imagination. I mean, the killer’s a Jack in the box themed demon fer cryin’ out loud! He should be screwin’ with folks’ heads, jump scarin’ outta shadows in all kinds of freaky contortions, hummin’ creepy tunes — not skulkin’ ’round the dark and cuttin’ victims down like a common slasher! Only other sour worth laughin’ at is when the remainin’ girls at the end figure out Jack can be killed with moonlight and think it’s less risky to hit him with a moonbeam bounced off mirrors through the school ‘stead of trickin’ him outside under a full moon. What?! Face grabbin’ and squeezin’, psych-out deaths, kidnappin’, hostages, weaponized moonbeams, throwin’ knives to the head, weird puppet people, table sawed faces, artifact stealin’, and scythe action! 3/5! 

THE PIPER (2023)

A flutist makes it her mission to impress her jackass fer a composer by finishin’ her late mentor’s concerto in time fer an upcomin’ performance, but the closer she comes to completin’ the masterpiece, the more she realizes it’s really a cursed tune that summons the damned spirit of the legendary Pied Piper who wants to drown brainwashed young’ns in ‘nother dimension. A sweet flick overall with impressive cinematography, thoughtful script, likeable characters, and an awesome lookin’ monster, this is definitely one of those undercelebrated gems horror fans will slowly discover the next few decades. It could stand a but more levity and tweaks to the escalation of danger to pick up the pace here and there, but a solid watch overall with a memorable crescendo of an endin’ and an entertainin’ performance by Julian Sands as the ill tempered maestro. Kidnappin’ galore, deaf young’ns, interdimensional hoppin’, ratty transformations, fireproof sheet music, human matchsticks, pens in ears, home invadin’, stealin’, leg breakin’, near fatal free fallin’, concert massacres, face grabbin’, dead folks clawin’ outta live folks, and seizure inducin’ lights! 4/5! 

DARK MATCH (2024)

It’s the late 1980s, and a disgraced wrassler turned cult leader books his ol’ gang of rivals from the ring in an event off the record that’s really a snuff film he’s makin’ with ’em forced to fight in elemental themed death matches. A great revenge story with root worthy babyfaces and gnarly heels from the pool of creative talents that gave audiences Wolfcop, the breakout attraction of this mat slammin’ mayhem is Miss Behave, the leadin’ chain swingin’ knockout played by Ayisha Issa, whose compellin’ performance leaves me wantin’ more of her in horror flicks. It just sucks that as good as she is, there’s alotta sours taintin’ her spotlight like most the movie bein’ saturated in ugly monochromatic colors, key actors with unconvincin’ wrasslin’ physiques, and pretty uncreative matches given the elements gimmick. But while we don’t get to see anyone body slammed into the giant fan in the mat or a more imaginative throwdown in water, the filmmakers do deliver a badass dirt fight with guys beatin’ the tar outta each other with fists covered in broken glass. Sweet! Pinnin’, lovemakin’ ‘tween the sheets without boobs, roofie drinks, drugged up brandin’ with hot irons, devil’s lettuce, snuff filmin’, cult worshippin’, neck snappin’, impalin’ on pipes, machine gun massacres, sacrificial rituals, demon raisin’, throat slittin’, hidey hole crawlspace escapin’, human matchsticks, flamethrowers, cage matches, stabbin’s, maces, chains swingin’, and broken glass covered fists to the gut! 3/5! 

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK . . . AGAIN (1996)

When a psychologist heads back to his home town to bury his recently deceased mama, his presence stirs restless spirits from his past when a gang of devil worshippers he accidentally killed as a boy come back from hell to exact revenge and finally complete their dark ritual fer evil cartoony powers. Sweet example of a sequel bein’ superior to its predecessor (even if it’s more of a remake with zero ties to the first flick), this Stephen King associated movie not only boasts a higher production value with top shelf actin’ and cinematography but fixes all the sours I had with the first movie’s story regardin’ characters’ motivations and the supernatural rules fer bein’ a fugitive from hell. The gang of demonic wannabes ain’t as scary as the greaser ghosts in the original, but they’re still fun to watch with their Jerry Seinfeld lookin’ leader hilariously hittin’ on ditzy girls while killin’ folks with charmin’ special effects. Dirty dreams with demons, blood pool demon summonin’, hand cuttin’, electrocution deaths galore, evil eyes, fatal impalin’ with weaponized tarot cards, boobs at the creek, Satanic rituals, chest stabbin’, human sacrifices, supposed Lawnmower Man references, Earth swallonin’ traps, heads mutilated by possessed mowers, slaughtered pigs, peepin’ toms with boobs, finger severin’, priests usin’ dark spells to fight dark magic, bloody butts, shapeshiftin’, boxes of worms, and monstrous presto changos! 4/5!

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK . . . FOR MORE (1998)

Two soldiers are deployed to investigate reports of someone goin’ postal at an illegal U.S. military minin’ operation in the Antarctic, and they find ’emselves stumblin’ into a demon’s plot to open a gate to hell with only a couple o’ survivors left to stop him if they can get past their reanimated colleagues. One of the biggest snooze fests I’ve ever tried watchin’, this movie is near impossible to stay awake through — and I’ve tried twice! It’s sooo slow and borin’ with lifeless characters, scenery that looks the same in every shot, and escalations of danger that barely make my radar. It’s such a cure fer insomnia, I bet that’s why I can’t even find a full fledge review anywhere else to fill me in on what I keep missin’, ’cause no one can stay awake long ‘nough to see the endin’ less they skip ahead to keep the Sandman away. Just know this has no ties to the first two Sometimes They Come Back flicks and don’t even follow the same concept o’ revenge seekin’ ghosts Stephen King originally conceived. This is just a humdrum flick ’bout two human lookin’ demons havin’ a siblin’ rivalry at the South Pole some filmmakers decided to attach to a King property in title only fer some eyes! Snow storm free falls, reanimated corpse minions, remote control spy bots, portals to hell, period piece flashbacks, and who knows what else if ya pop a whole bottle o’ caffeine pills! 2/5!

LONGLEGS (2024)

When the FBI thinks one of their newer agents is some kinda psychic, they stick her on the trail of an elusive serial killer they suspect is responsible fer 20 years worth o’ murder/suicides ‘mong random families, but the closer she comes to catchin’ the Devil worshippin’ freak known as Longlegs, the more paranormal twists and turns cause her to question everythin’ she knows. A quiet little flick brimmin’ with indie energy from its slow burn pace to its oddball characters, this is an interestin’ ‘nough FBI mystery, but I wish it pushed the paranormal stuff more with Longleg’s end goal bein’ a little clearer as an evil doll makin’ psycho fer Satan without overdoin’ an already complicated lore. If yer in it fer Nicholas Cage’s performance as Longlegs, his scenes are few and far between but still memorable with him throwin’ in one of his screamin’ fits we all love him fer as he hollers “Mommy!” and “Daddy!” to himself durin’ a lonesome drive. Bullets to the face galore, breakin’ and enterin, birthday card clues, life-size girl dolls that make people go crazy, paranormal orbs, suicidal head bashin’, demented singin’, deals with the devil, off camera suicides and stabbin’s, and demonic phone calls! 3/5!

ALIEN: ROMULUS (2024)

Runaways from a corporate minin’ planet try stealin’ cryochambers from an unmanned ship in space to help ’em with their interstellar travels, but they unknowingly dock a vessel used fer studyin’ xenomorphs and set off an unfortunate chain reaction of horror that pits ’em ‘gainst a vicious horde of bugs they gotta escape. Top shelf production all ’round, this sequel set ‘tween the first two Alien flicks hits on all pistons with distinctive characters, steady build-ups, fast paced action sequences, and undeniable special effects that never distract from the story. While it does retread all too familiar ground within the franchise to the point of digitally resurrectin’ Ian Holm from the 1979 flick, the filmmakers do manage to give it its own identity ‘mong the films with sweet bug battles in zero gravity and facehuggers bein’ removed with liquid nitrogen. And while I can overlook the filmmakers kinda recyclin’ the human/xenomorph hybrid idea from Alien: Resurrection, I can’t forgive the glitchy android’s awkward use of Ripley’s famous “Get away from her, you bitch” line. What the hell was that ’bout?! Cattle prodin’, bug sac pokin’, drippin’ acid deaths, face destroyin’, splish splash monster fightin’, chasin’ galore, free floatin’ acid galore, elevator shaft chasin’ and fightin’, automatically aimin’ firearms, experimental DNA goo, fast track pregnancies, human hybrid e.t.s, facehuggin’, chest burstin’, spaceship wreckin’, bots ‘fore bios, and shoulder impalin’! 4/5! 

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK (1991)

When a teacher returns to his hometown after 27 years, he inadvertently stirs up ghosts from his past as long dead greasers responsible fer his younger brother’s death start killin’ high schoolers from beyond the grave so they can escape Hell in their supped up Chevy and force him to reenact the train wreck that ended their lives fer some kinda cosmic mulligan of closure. A TV flick based on a Stephen King short, this idiot box feature boasts some of King’s scariest bullies turned cartoonish booga boos and definitely one of the more tragic backstories fer a protagonist with the little kids bein’ mugged and stabbed ‘fore a train barrels down on ’em in a tunnel, but its sours really keep it from bein’ as classic as other cinematic adaptations of King’s work. The biggest bein’ the movie’s rules fer all its paranormal activities which seem half baked at best. I don’t understand how there’s any unfinished business when everyone knows who killed each other and where their bodies are. The whole trade of ghosts killin’ folks in order to walk the Earth raises more questions than answers, ’cause wouldn’t the greasers wanna stay topside wreakin’ havoc ‘stead of goin’ back to hell with closure? Once the teacher knows other people are seein’ and interactin’ with the greasers, why doesn’t he ever point the cops in their direction durin’ their investigation of the deaths ’round town? Bodily dismemberment by switchblade, rowdy classes, hangin’ deaths, fatal bicycle wrecks, supped up highway chasin’, demonic transformations, stabbin’s, kidnappin’, unholy combustions on hollowed ground, heavenly portals, trains vs cars, explodin’ vehicles, ‘lotta cryin’, bullyin’, and muggin’! 2/5!  

GET AWAY (2024)

A family of Brits takes a seemingly random vacation to a secluded Swedish island where the sour faced yokels are ’bout to celebrate a holiday honorin’ their ancestors’ tragic history with cannibalism, and just when the festivities get underway, the whole story’s flipped on its noggin with an over the top massacre of a reveal viewers may not see comin’. Despite this bein’ well shot and decently acted, this flick suffers from less than stellar writin’ with alotta unlikable personalities, long winded scenes, and flat twists due to zero character development. With the exception of a sweet moment Iron Maiden dominates the soundtrack with Run to the Hills as an entire society refuses to gang up on a handful o’ slashers, this movie ain’t funny or scary — it’s just there. Shotgun blasts to the chest, bodily dismemberment, men in women’s underwear, roofie cookies, two-way spy mirrors, off camera blowjobs and masturbatin’, fatal stabbin’s galore, arms blown off with shotguns, neck and gut stabbin’s, suicidal stabbin’s, explodin’ heads, and theatrical presentations of history! 2/5! 

GHOSTWATCH (1992)

A British news team spends Halloween night broadcastin’ a live investigation into the hauntin’ of a family home where paranormal researchers hope to prove a couple of little girls are really bein’ bullied by a ghost they call Pipes. A TV movie that really had couch potatoes fooled they were watchin’ live television in 1992 on account of its authentic presentation, this flick entertains well ‘nough with likable reporters and guests but gets old pretty quick with nothin’ interestin’ happenin’ ’til the very end. Even then, the spectral antics ain’t much more than slammin’ doors and some appliances blowin’ up or flyin’ ’round ‘fore everythin’ abruptly ends with the idea the broadcast has accidentally conducted some huge séance somehow and maybe gets someone possessed. Best part is everyone referrin’ to some scary place under the stairs as the “glory hole” with straight faces. Apple bobbin, trick ‘r treatin’, face scratchin’, flyin’ picture frames, ghostly cat noises, pipe knockin’, spiritual photography, trick videos, scary call-ins, supposed possessin’, and explodin’ sets! 3/5! 

ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013)

When the sun goes down, the dead randomly stir from their dirt naps fer a zombie apocalypse and chase a meanderin’ gang of bitter neighbors ’round fer a fleshy late night snack ’til dawn. Great cast and gore, but one helluva lousy story thanks to franetic editin’ and lack of character development that leaves the movie feelin’ as aloof and impersonal as a commercial fer car insurance. If this Syfy/Asylum flick had just taken the time to properly set-up characters with even an ounce of depth and given ’em some goal like an ultimate plan for escapin’ or stoppin’ the zombies, it’d be ten times less inane. Good ‘nough to play in the background of a lively Halloween party, but not much else. Zombie road kill, severed legs, amputee zombies, neck and belly bitin’, blind woman bumblin’, bullets to the brain basket, graveyard chases, fallin’ into funeral cemetery plots, home invadin’ zombies, weirdo babysitters, police station massacres, car wreckin’, and underground chases! 2/5!

SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE (2011)

Lance Henriksen tricks a gang of archeologists into openin’ a centuries ol’ box that resurrects a banshee with alotta complicated rules, and now everyone’s in a hurry to lop the illusion castin’ hag’s head off ‘fore Lance uses her ear piercin’ shrieks fer his nutty doomsday plan. One of Syfy’s better originals, this quick paced monster flick has plenty goin’ fer it with credible actors, sweet pops of gory special effects, and kinetic camerawork, but its story’s too messy. There’s attempts at character buildin’ drama that doesn’t totally pay off, plot reveals that could be more fast tracked, and the rules fer the banshee are all over the place from her confusin’ comeback from a decapitated pile of ash to what it takes to defeat her. I mean, can she only get ya if ya scream at her scare tactics or is it absolutely necessary to lasso her fugly brain basket in a spring loaded death trap? Templar knights, beheadin’s, eye gougin’, blood boardin’, teeth yankin’, hot chick switcheroos, car wreckin’, fatal impalin’, banshee wailin’ galore, secret hidey holes, bleedin’ ears galore, double impalin’, finger severin’, mannequin yard decorations, and Lance’s home “The Hag’s Bed”! 3/5! 

ODDITY (2024) 

On the anniversary of her twin’s murder, a blind clairvoyant drops in on her dead sister’s husband at his remote home where the crime happened and brings a witch’s gift of a wooden man that helps scare the truth outta the guilty parties involved. A perfectly moody little flick that watches like black box theater on a dark and stormy night, this quiet scare boasts interestin’ characters, creepy visuals, terrific set-ups and payoffs, and one unnervin’ golem kinda prop that lives up to my expectations by the end. I see the twist comin’ a mile away, which is a sour, but it’s forgivable given the way things play out. Foot bitin’, rubber room massacres, glass eye clues, loony bin strategies, killer ghosts, masked home invadin’ slashers, magic puppet assassins, fatal freefalls, and tricks on the blind! 4/5!

CUCKOO (2024)

Things are tough ‘nough for an American teen who’s forced to move in with her dad and his new family in Germany, but things get even worse when she learns her little stepsister is secretly part of a scientist’s efforts to preserve a species of time alterin’ monsters that sneak their eggs in clueless wives who unknowingly raise their half-breed offspring ’til their ready to collect ’em in their teens. An overall interestin’ (yet convoluted) concept, I think this story is completely told from the wrong perspective. Instead of the older stepsister bein’ the star, this movie should’ve focused on the parents’ side of things which would’ve brought more tension and emotional stakes to the story as they struggle with their family dynamics once the truth of their manipulated relationship is revealed. But as it stands, they’re barely in the movie, and I’m left with a semi-root worthy last girl runnin’ from a monster that’s more deceptive than deadly as it never kills anybody. Shoot ’em-up fire fightin’, book shelf dominos, vomitin’ galore, seizures galore, bike chasin’, monstrous pied pipin’, shotgun deaths, time loopin’, monsters in wigs, and impregnatin’ ambushes! 2/5!

BLINK TWICE (2024)

A disgraced tech mogul invites two awe struck cocktail waitresses to his private island with other guests, and after days of endless Groundhog Day partyin’, they and the other gals slowly realize they’re experiencin’ chemically induced memory lapses to cover up the guys’ nightly abuse of ’em. Beautifully shot and well ‘nough performed, the biggest sour I have with this flick is its refusal to commit to the horror of the women’s treatment by the men whose scummy nature ain’t so much developed as it is slapped on the end. The brutal truth the women’s suppressed memories reveal is such a blip on screen, it doesn’t provide ‘nough dramatic weight to the horrors they’ve been subjected to, leadin’ to a bit of a unsatisfyin’ victory once they rebel. In other words — too much “somethin’ feels off” mystery, not ‘nough escalatin’ horror with depth. Drinkin’ galore, narcotics galore, exotic animal bites, snake venom drinkin’ galore, BDSM, chasin’, rapin’, face bashin’, firearm executin’, memory blockin’ perfume, haggish housemaids, head knockin’, switcheroo tactics, and stabbin’s! 2/5!

THE PRIMEVALS (2023)

When stop-motion yetis start attackin’ folks in the Himalayas, an American research team hurries to investigate and tracks an abominable snowman to an underground jungle ran by lizard puppet aliens with a gene splicin’ hobby. A movie that’s decades in the makin’ due to a buncha production problems (most notably the director dyin’), this is the success story of the little flick that could. Without knowin’ what’s been cut or compromised to finally see this full length creature feature to print, I think The Primevals is a nostalgic blast from Full Moon’s past with a classy plot, root worthy ensemble of heroes, and charmin’ special effects wonderfully blended with ’90s live action footage. Besides Richard Paul’s leadin’ man face always bein’ annoyingly contorted in hurt bemusement, the only sour I fault this flick fer is wishin’ the pace was a little faster, but given its history behind the scenes, that’s more than a forgivable. Yeti wranglin’, yeti anatomy displays, hunter body slammin’, arena fightin’, big ass laser blastin’, holographic history lessons, Neanderthals, kidnappin’, slave drivin’, muggin’, street brawlin’, brain zappin’, noodle surgery, arrows to the gut, random rafts, and spaceships! 4/5!

CRYPTIDS (2023)

In celebration of the annual Mothman festival, a local radio DJ invites listeners to call in and share their stories of close encounters with feral back wood folk, sasquatches, frogmen, e.t.s, chupacabras, and werewolves. Nowhere near as good as I’d hoped fer, this is a fairly sour creature feature anthology due to alotta bad actin’, poor writin’, and bottom shelf production quality. With the connectin’ radio show segments bein’ the best parts with horror host Joe Bob Briggs as the DJ, the only decent shorts worth watchin’ are the ones ’bout aliens and the drug lords usin’ chupacabras fer sport ‘gainst their enemies. The rest are okay to forgettable with the worst bein’ the frogman short which had me fast-forwardin’ in a hurry to avoid the frustrated strain of boredom. Mothman cameos, men in black sub plots, ‘lotta sasquatches, sexual assaultin’ Big Foot, flesh eatin’, kidnappin’, Chupacabra-vision, flesh meltin’, fatal prankin’, and Halloween! 2/5!

FUNNY MAN (1994)

After a music exec wins Christopher Lee’s mansion in a poker game, he quickly finds out a jester-like demon resides there, and it don’t take much to get the reality warpin’ trickster stirred up and wantin’ to kill everyone from the exec’s family to a van full of hitchhikers who’re simply there fer the body count. Even with such a thin plot, I really want to like this flick, but it’s pretty lame thanks to its titular killer comin’ off like a spiritless amateur sufferin’ a mental block durin’ an improv show. Everything ’bout him from his dialogue to his kills is so underwhelmin’, his victims are actually the most interestin’ part of the movie! But why wouldn’t they be when they include a witchy dimension hoppin’ woman with a bottle rocket launchin’ appendage, and a gal who’s straight up Velma from Scooby-Doo? The closest Funny Man gets to bein’ Freddy Krueger or even Rumpelstiltskin is when he blows a yahoo up usin’ a Punch and Judy show with a body horror twist. Best part of the flick! Hosin’ vans with piss, rock ‘n roll heaven ascensions, organs shot outta brain baskets, soccer with decapitated heads, severed limb hats, extreme booger sugar fantasies, interdimensional bottle rocket fightin’, body alterin’ drugs, love galleries, rubber floor entrances, explodin’ noggins, malformed hands, severed hands, supernatural stairways, alley brawlin’, tricksters in comically fake knockers drag, random spin wheel summonin’, young’n killin’, fatal clubbin’, fourth wall breakin’, human matchsticks with jumper cables, musical wigs, endless cart rides, high heel eye gougin’, and inside out body entrances! 3/5!

CARNAGE FOR CHRISTMAS (2024)

A trans Nancy Drew wannabe takes a break from her true crime podcast to celebrate Christmas in her hometown and is immediately caught-up in a string of murders committed by someone reenactin’ an urban legend of a killer Santa nut. 90% trans mystery/thriller to 10% actual horror, this ain’t the Yuletide slasher I was hopin’ fer, but a pleasantly subdued little flick that’s as good as any drama found on the CW. There’s some obvious heart and effort behind this production that makes it a decent watch, but it could have really benefited from scenes with more tension and higher stakes, not to mention grittier moments with Santa to make his fraction of screen time really count. The two big stand-out moments of the film is a drag queen swingin’ their comically large cone bra ’round to fight the killer, and a super graphic crime scene of a victim who’s been blood eagled, makin’ me wonder why every other special effect in the movie sucks. Semi-tragic backstories, backside taserin’, trans and homo-phobia, flirtin’ galore, stabbin’s, callin’ Christmas cards, and dismemberin’! 3/5! 

PORTAL (2019)

Desperate fer a hit, wannabe ghost hunters livestream their season finale outta the most haunted house they can find and uncover Native American trinkets they use to accidentally release a possess-happy demon only Heather Langenkamp can help send back to Hell. Pretty much Evil Dead without all the fun and imagination, this is one of ’em flicks that’s full of potential from a solid cast of characters to a promisin’ plot, but takes too long to get to piss poor scares, drops the ball fer any creative body hoppin’ action, and utterly fails at convincin’ me why it’s so important the survivors send this demon back to Hell. I mean, once the characters successfully escape the haunt the first time, the movie’s over in my opinion. Why is there any pressin’ need to run back and confront the demon when the experts say the missin’ folks are screwed and there’s no mention of any pendin’ threats like the demon tryin’ to rule the world or spread its evil beyond the house? Why not just set up no trespassin’ signs and call it a day? Amityville kinda backstories, Native American spook warriors, calls from the other side, swirly portals to Hell, cellar showdowns, shadowy figures, possessin’, chest carvin’, self-sacrificin’, defensive gospel music, supernatural kidnappin’, head bangin’, window crashin’, and illusions of dead family members! 3/5!   

DEAR SANTA (2024)

A well meanin’ young’n with dyslexia accidentally writes a letter to Satan ‘stead of Santa and finds himself in his own family friendly Bedazzled movie with a devilish Jack Black houndin’ him fer his soul in exchange fer three backfire free wishes. While this is a superior alternative to the similar themed Syfy stinker Letters to Satan Claus, this flick has its issues. This yule tide romp starts out strong with the most authentic leadin’ kid I’ve ever seen on film holdin’ his own ‘gainst one of Black’s more dialed down performances, and the buddy comedy holds up the majority of the runtime with me bein’ convinced the supposed Prince of Lies ain’t such a bad guy, but just when I think the filmmakers have outmaneuvered my predictions given the recycled storylines, it all falls apart as they go back on everythang at the last minute fer the Hollywood endin’ I guess they weren’t creative ‘nough to escape. Sloppily, characters go through poorly set-up changes in behavior, the “devil” can suddenly break his own reality bendin’ rules, and new characters and emotions are shoe horned in fer some surprise whammies that would’ve had more impact if more thoughtfully introduced. Mind controllin’ spells, satanic romancin’, IBS spell castin’, Post Malone concerts, holiday carnivals, rubber rooms, bullyin’, underworld meetin’s, shapeshiftin’, resurrectin’, and Santa origins?! 3/5! 

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES (2022)

The second biggest star from The Room ambushes a family at Christmas and makes ’em watch a box of found VHS footage at gunpoint that features flesh eatin’ scarecrows, a torture happy Kris Kringle, a failed film experiment, and a haunted Santa knick knack. A respectable anthology of holiday horror altogether, this ain’t top notch filmmakin’, but I appreciate it fer offerin’ unexpected yule tide terrors like the scarecrow, shorts that more or less tell complete stories (minus whatever the hell the one quickie scare is with someone in a Saw-like situation), and managin’ to enlists the actin’ chops of familiar talents like Vernon Wells and Dave Sheridan. As far as sours are concerned, it’s mostly storytellin’ issues that don’t make sense. Why is the scarecrow eatin’ adults when they just told us its legendary fer eatin’ young’ns? Why didn’t the dad wantin’ to surprise his family from inside a box just get a buddy to drop him off at his house ‘stead of hirin’ a total stranger dressed as Santa? Is Sheridan supposed to be comedically awkward or suspiciously creepy when investigatin’ the haunted decorations? If anyone who touches the spook filled decor is cursed, then why ain’t it hurtin’ the home invader at the end, and would he still be torturin’ this rando family if they didn’t have one of the last VCRs in the world? Ear severin’, uncomfortable foot massagin’, head explodin’, kidnappin’, leg hackin’, flesh eatin’, impalin’ with candy canes, nearly decapitated heads with dinner plates, poltergeists, Christmas seances, and shady paranormal investigatin’! 3/5!   

HERE FOR BLOOD (2022)

A bookworm convinces her wrassler fer a boyfriend to tag team a babysittin’ gig so she can study fer an exam, and what’s supposed to be a quiet evenin’ turns into a vicious fight fer survival as the muscle head finds himself protectin’ the rugrat from masked home invadin’ murderers in search of sacrifices fer their hellish master in the barn next door. A fun flick full o’ memorable killers, sweet pops of gore, and supernatural stakes, leadin’ elbow dropper Shawn Roberts gives a magnetic performance as the last babyface, provin’ himself an undeniably endearin’ screen presence whether he’s bondin’ with a young’n over video games or hackin’ up bad guys with an axe. The Tom and Jerry antics drag a bit in the middle, but the sour I hate the most is our hero sustainin’ a foot injury I can’t believe anyone could win the day with, adrenaline rushes or not. Grillin’ facials, finger severin’, stranglin’, stove top wound cauterizin’, flesh eatin’ dead heads, portals to Hell, attic altars, foot stabbin’, axe fightin’, kidnappin’, possessin’, pizza boy killin’, spur stabbin’, neck bitin’, and scalpin’! 4/5! 

THE HANGMAN (2024)

After criminal yokels ruin his family campin’ trip by kidnappin’ his son to be a demon’s new vessel known as the Hangman, a city slicker of a dad goes on a paranoid rescue mission through the no man’s land sticks of West Virginia where he’s gotta brave racist immortals, lowlife hicks, and demonic killers to save his son. This flick’s got a hook-worthy set-up, likeable heroes, a sweet lookin’ horror villain, and overall impressive production, but the story gets too in the weeds with the quest and loses touch with the character driven drama that keeps things engagin’. Instead of so much time spent on the dad wanderin’ from one indie film feelin’ scene to the next by himself, it would have been better to see the him teamed-up with the one hick chick he saves sooner and fer more of the movie to keep things lively. Biggest sour of the movie, however, are the damn cricket sound effects that are just dropped in at the most unnecessary moments at tolerance testin’ volumes! ’nuff already!! Cheaply built portals to hell, possessin’, interdimensional jumpin’, stranglin’ galore, chainsaw action, hangin’ galore, kidnappin’, hand shootin’, firewood to the face, eye gougin’ with arrows, human matchsticks, wench saves, truck hangin’, demonic rituals, dope shootin’, and blind mediums! 3/5!

THE SUBSTANCE (2024)

A cougar of a TV fitness instructor is agin’ out of her network’s favor and tries savin’ her career with a hush hush drug offered out of the blue that spawns a more perfect version of herself out her back she can mentally inhabit every other week, but the dangerous jugglin’ act of drugs and trust it requires spirals into nightmarish body horror. A rush of fresh fear from its eye poppin’ cinematography to its weighty characters and top shelf special effects, The Substance gives me plenty to love, but the story gradually degrades into confusin’ nonsense regardin’ the relationship ‘tween the fadin’ TV star and her better half. It’s understood the user’s conscience is transferred into the new body which is the whole perk of a sellin’ point fer usin’ the fantasy drug, so I don’t understand how the new persona eventually ‘comes it’s own separate entity full o’ greed and spite fer its original self when they’re suppose to be the same person jumpin’ ‘tween two meat husks. I get it’s supposed to be this whole Jekyll and Hyde thing that’s the drama of the movie, but I think it could still be a great story that still gets its point ‘cross if it were just the fitness star bendin’ the rules of the drug too much to a bitter end with outside forces worsenin’ things. Asses and boobs galore, full frontal, aerobics galore, monstrous transformations, back splittin’, ear severin’, teeth fallin’ out, nose bleedin’, monstrous growths, chicken leg body horror, belly button explorin’, nasty turkey cookin’, haggish transformations, disintegratin’ mutations, explodin’ falls, skin sewin’, goo drawin’, head smashin’, cat fightin’, and car wreckin’! 4/5!

ONE MISSED CALL (2008)

When college students start kickin’ the bucket after gettin’ dead classmates’ voicemails from the future with hints fer how they’re gonna die, an undergrad partners with a detective to stop the killer spook responsible. SPOILERS — This Americanized Japanese horror don’t make a lick o’ sense. Turns out everyone’s bein’ killed by the ghost of some problem child whose asthma death somehow allows her to curse folks’ cell phones and haunt ’em to death with visions of her twisted dolls and bug collection. No good reason fer how she’s able to do any of these supernatural feats or why all the hauntin’ started when it did much less how she’s pickin’ her victims who’re killed in pretty inconsistent ways from Final Destination set-ups to simple stranglin’ in wishy washy timeframes. Doesn’t help the last girl determined to stop her has this whole child abuse backstory that never comes into play in any meaningful way than simply fillin’ the runtime. Peephole eye jabbin’, explodin’ doors, ghost mama drama, crispy corpse crawlspace chasin’, abandoned hospitals, candy M.O. deaths, siblin’ abuse, arm cuttin’, fatal asthma attacks, ghostly stranglin’, deranged lookin’ holy figures, half baked televised exorcisms, slab reunions, teddy bears with all the answers, rebars through the chest, explodin’ construction sites, koi pond drownin’, cat drownin’, and railroad deaths! 2/5!

BLACK CAB (2024)

A woman hails a cab and ‘comes the confused pawn in a demented cabbie’s plan for appeasin’ a highway hauntin’ ghost wantin’ a baby. This flick starts strong with alotta tension and mystery surroundin’ the gal’s kidnappin’ but eventually ‘comes a frustratin’ watch as it takes forever to get to the point of it all bein’ some elaborate meanderin’ plan to trade the woman and her unborn baby to a spook who’s somehow gotten its hooks into the cabbie. Even worse, this reveal spirals into bafflin’ twists that turn everything I think I know on its head with me no longer knowin’ who’s alive or not much less understandin’ how the cabbie’s plan was supposed to work with all the endless drivin’ and seemingly unnecessary pit stops. If the story were more straight forward with the ghost dealin’ and cut out all the attempts at heady writin’, this would be waaay more enjoyable to watch! Drugged drinks, cattle prodin’, ghostly visions, supposed baby killin’, throat slittin’, zip tie kidnappin’, and abandoned hotel chases! 2/5! 

DON’T LOOK AWAY (2023)

An unenthusiastic gang of friends must win a starin’ contest with a killer mannequin stalkin’ ’em, ’cause if anyone takes their peepers off it, it’ll tear ’em all limb from limb in the blink of an eye. Sorta Smile crossed with one of ’em Super Mario ghosts with an It Follows wannabe cast fer victims, this silly soundin’ flick watches like a Saturday Night Live parody but takes itself very seriously. No matter how serious this ridiculous premise is, however, what really stands out fer all the wrong reasons are the last girl’s lethargic friends. Kelly Bastard’s givin’ her all with her leadin’ lady performance, but her co-stars just have the most indifferent reactions to everythin’, especially when it comes to each other’s deaths as they occur. Really hurts the flick in a way not even stylish cinematography and a sweet soundtrack can make up fer. Shippin’ heists, human road kill, off camera dismemberin’, mirror coffin traps, dance club massacres, blind guys with all the backstory, blind ambushes, and stabbin’s galore! 3/5!
DEVON (2024)

In this found footage snooze fest, a gang of strangers accepts a profitable invitation to film themselves searchin’ fer a teen who went missin’ in an abandoned asylum decades ago but end up trapped with some evil unseen force that picks them off one by one. An hour and 12 minutes of nothin’ but yahoos hollerin’ in the dark, it’s obvious the filmmakers had access to an excitin’ rubble of a haunted lookin’ location then rushed a half-ass script to exploit it fer a quickie horror. Even worse than overly bankin’ on my imagination to make up fer the criminal lack of effects is the ridiculous way the cameras are used in the movie with characters recordin’ endless footage of things unrelated to the search as if the cameras don’t have off buttons, and the bafflin’ selfie shots up everyone’s nose holes when it’s clear they’re all pointin’ their cameras ahead of ’em. SKIP! 2/5!

SHADOWS OF BIGFOOT (2024)

Three true crime podcasters trek through forbidden boonies to interview a hermit blamin’ his wife’s murder on a sasquatch and inadvertently join his vengeful hunt for the elusive predator. A respectable found footage cheapie with a decent cast and story, the leads are convincin’ ‘nough to root fer, but it’s the supportin’ cheese ball actors bringin’ the entertainment with their hammy performances that remind me of talents you’d find at haunted house attractions. Luckily, there’s nothin’ cornball ‘about the special effects with a pretty good lookin’ big foot maulin’ folks in the grizzliest of manners! Arm severin’, face tearin’, hiker tacklin’, shady trail guides, maulin’ galore, monster huntin’, and shotgun action! 3/5! 

TIME CUT (2024)

A 2020s wallflower of a teen randomly stumbles ‘cross a time machine and finds herself stuck in 2003 where she struggles with screwing up her timeline to prevent a killer’s string of unsolved murders that included her older sister. A slightly different spin on the time travelin’ slasher Totally Killer, this story has plenty of heart with all the meaningful sister drama but takes itself waaay too seriously to be any fun. It’s not ’til the end things get wacky with the reveal of the killer’s identity and his motive that creates time paradoxes in paradoxes, but the big laugh of the movie (if you think too hard ’bout it) is the future sister’s ridiculous happy endin’ as someone who doesn’t exist havin’ all these wonderful prospects. Yeah — let’s just breeze over how a parentless minor with no documentation of her existence managed to graduate high school lickity split and immediately intern at NASA. Really suspended that disbelief there. Stabbin’s galore, mall massacres, barn party massacres, senior prankin’, stealin’ from factories conveniently stocked time machine fuel, Olive Garden shout-outs, and Tom and Jerry antics on a boat! 3/5! 

REMOTE CONTROL (1988)

A new B movie on the video store shelves is becomin’ all the rave, but one Mad Max dressed store clerk knows it’s really part of an e.t. invasion he’s gotta stop with each VHS copy brainwashin’ couch potatoes into homicidal maniacs hellbent on human extinction. An overall fun idea with engagin’ ‘nough actors that include a young Jennifer Tilly and Kevin Dillon, this fast paced flick boasts sweet sets of long gone video stores and outrageous threads that must’ve been recycled from Back to the Future 2‘s wardrobe fer 2015, but its story suffers from a wonky escalation. Instead of buildin’ the suspense and tension from the home to the video store to a big showdown at the video distribution center followed by a little twist, the filmmakers stick the big showdown in the middle of the movie and proceed to draggin’ the story out with very little steam as our heroes hunt fer any remainin’ video tapes to be destroyed. Another sour worth mentionin’ is the fella who’s more or less the bad guy throughout the film, ’cause it’s confusin’ as to whether or not he’s in cahoots with the aliens, an e.t. himself, or just ‘nother victim of mind control due to his inconsistent motives from scene to scene. Evil video store displays with annoyin’ sound effects, dancers, club massacres, explodin’ alien headquarters, disembowelin’ with futuristic needles, stranglin’ galore, fatal stair falls, shoot ’em ups, car jackin’, cop on cop violence, explodin’ forklifts, brainwashin’ galore, head knockin’, peepin’ tommin’, and aerobic classes! 3/5!  

THE BEAST WITHIN (2024)

In the thick of the sticks, a young girl learns her lumberjack fer a dad turns into a blood thirsty werewolf once a month and must learn to cope with it. A pretty lookin’ flick with an undeniable ensemble of actors, this monster movie’s greatest sour is how uneventful it is. It has every opportunity fer interestin’ twists and turns like the daughter inheritin’ a werewolf curse, or her confrontin’ some deep family trust issues with her pop maybe accidentally hurtin’ someone she cares ’bout as paranormal hunters converge on their home, but it don’t. It’s obvious from the get go the dad’s a werewolf, and the family spends the movie goin’ through the same borin’ routines ’til things get confusin’ at the end with pop somehow escapin’ his restraints to attack the family in a wild rage. Even worse, (SPOILERS) it’s suggested at the last minute this may all be some childish fantasy the daughter has to process her dad’s abusive behavior, meanin’ there was never a creature of the night, but just some wife beatin’ asshole who spends his nights kickin’ the shit outta pigs. Puppy killin’ off camera, pig deaths galore off camera, little bit of full blown upright werewolf action, impalin’ on antlers, breakin’ and enterin’, and oxygen tanks turned flamethrowers! 2/5!

DON’T TURN OUT THE LIGHTS (2023)

A gang of the most obnoxious college students ever committed to celluloid pile in an RV to go to the party of the year but get randomly stuck on a back road in the sticks where a mysterious unseen force manipulates ’em into one unexplained death after ‘nother with fatal illusions. One of the most frustratin’ flicks I’ve seen in awhile, this movie starts with the most annoyin’ characters I can’t wait to see killed, gets interestin’ once the actual horror starts, then disappointingly spins its wheels the remainder of the runtime with these yahoos arguin’ theory after theory over what their dealin’ with ’til it all culminates in a cop-out endin’ with no explanations other than the evil might be some kinda demonic force ’cause they suddenly notice a book club’s worth of satanic texts on the RV. Skip! Handy red necks, gas station brawlin’, semi truck road ragin’, stabbins, folks ripped limb from limb, impalin’ on antlers, blood splatterin’, missin’ person fogs, hand stabbin’, psych out phone callin’, pill poppin’ galore, and disembodied voices! 2/5!

CARVED (2024)

After a toxic spill tarnishes a small town’s reputation, it tries bouncin’ back with its annual pumpkin festival on Halloween, but the party’s ruined when an enraged mutant pumpkin goes on a killin’ spree after seein’ its brethren mutilated fer jack-o-lantern decorations. A Hulu original, this sucker’s hittin’ on all pistons fer a silly concept with a real budget from its top shelf production to its diverse cast of root worthy characters, but it’s ultimately forgettable. Mainly due to the script’s lack of imagination fer action sequences, resultin’ in rinse repeat Tom and Jerry shenanigans with the monster veggie constantly chasin’ folks all over town to just stab ’em with its tentacle roots fer the millionth time. Gets a little more interestin’ ‘fore the final credits roll, but the filmmakers find new ways to fumble the ball with multiple endin’s and completely missin’ the landin’ with a gag that’s more sad than funny when the heroes execute a litter of baby pumpkins. Impalin’, hand severin’, car wreckin’, wacky tobacky usin’, pumpkin carvin’, stabbin’s galore, human meat puppets, shotguns to the brain basket, weaponized mowers, period play actin’, and monster pumpkin-o-vision! 2/5! 

CROCODYLUS: MATING SEASON (2023)

A slap-sticky kinda comedy horror, this creature feature on a shoestring budget follows a small town P.I. who gets more than he bargains fer when a missin’ persons case brings him into the thick of an urban myth conspiracy involvin’ goofy crocodile people escaped from a mad scientist’s lab. Good writin’ trumps any film’s budget in my opinion, so I’m willin’ to overlook the awful DIY monster suits and party shop props that more than take me out of the movie, but I can’t ignore the poor choices made behind the camera fer executin’ a comedy. The script is funny ‘nough and the actors manage to deliver the humor, but the camera work and editin’ leaves a lot of the gags flat with careless cinematography and ill timed beats. Despite that, however, I still laugh at the sight of a crocodile woman runnin’ ’round in her unmentionables. Reverse footage action sequences, arm and leg severin’, weaponized stumps and nubs, regenerative experimentin’, maulin’, perv sniffin’, laughable lovemakin’, top secret labs, mutant flashin’, mutant croc eggs, mutant on mutant violence, antidote shootin’, and cheesy fantasy sequences! 3/5! 

CAMPFIRE TALES (1997)

After runnin’ off a mountain road, a gang of stranded friends wait fer help ’round a campfire and share tales of urban legends like the psycho pretendin’ to be a dog under a girl’s bed, the wife whose husband goes missin’ in creature filled woods while she hears scrappin’ on the roof of their RV, and a fella fallin’ in love with a headless ghost. An overall entertainin’ though predictable anthology due to its source material, this flick boasts some sweet cinematography and an all-star cast of baby face celebrities ‘fore they hit it big. As fer the sours, the middle of the movie really drags with the psycho under the bed story, the endin’ of the haunted romance is a bit too convoluted to make any sense of, the newly weds on vacation feels a little incomplete with its monster’s story, and the best segment isn’t even one of the yahoos’ stories, but a quickie of a cold open with James Marsden and Amy Smart encounterin’ the Hook Man! Hook arm severin’, breakin’ and enterin’, cyber predators, bangin’ in an RV with boobs, ankle twistin’, disembowelin’, strung up corpses, decapitatin’, abusive fathers, ghosts stuck in a loop, mute beauties from beyond the grave, dog killin’, car wreckin’, and fatal twists ya see comin’ a mile away! 3/5! 

SMILE 2 (2024)

Loosely pickin’ up where the last Smile movie ended, the viral demon with a grin has moved on to gradually possessin’ a strugglin’ pop star as its next weekly host and slowly ruins her comeback tour with increasingly murderous visions that make her question her very reality. A top shelf production all ’round with superb sound editin’, the biggest sweet of the film is also its biggest sour, and that’s leadin’ lady Naomi Scott. Naomi gives this role her all with one helluva convincin’ performance full o’ heart and spitfire, but the filmmakers don’t need to showcase it fer over two hours with all her character driven drama outweighin’ the scares. Yankin’ 30 minutes out of her actin’ reel won’t hurt her bein’ an undeniable star, and the leaner runtime would’ve made the twist endin’ hurt less when it’s revealed what all has and hasn’t really happened to varyin’ degrees of viewer satisfaction. Cops and robbers shoot ’em ups, human roadkill, throat slittin’, water guzzlin’ galore, scare mobs, doody streaked undies, face smashin’ with weights, face and neck stabbin’, car wreckin’ flashbacks, old lady knockin’, bullets to the chest, forced mouth entries, possessin’, near deaths in Pizza Hut freezers, car chasin’, and doomed concerts! 3/5! 

HAUNT SEASON (2024)

A wannabe actress thinks she’s found her new click with seasonal actors at a haunted putt-putt arcade bar, but things take a turn fer the worse when a deluded killer starts systematically killin’ ’em all in the name of ancient Halloween rituals. A modestly made flick on a budget with a real haunted attraction fer a set, this sucker boasts impressive lightin’, some above average special effects with severed body parts, and so-so actin’. There’s only one distractin’ shortcomin’ I can’t ignore, and that’s the last girl’s story. The filmmakers spend so much time buildin’ up this gal’s character with her hopes and dreams to be an actress, but it never truly ‘mounts to anythang plot wise much less ties into the kills at the haunt in any meaningful way. She’s supposed to be the hero, but she’s no more important than anyone else bein’ hacked up by what turns out to be a pretty weakly written slasher whose long term plans fer killin’ folks day after day at the same haunt is just beggin’ fer an arrest. Limb severin’ with chainsaws, decapitatin’ with shears, escape room murders, disembowelin’, hammers to the brain basket, head smashin’ in gears, haunted attraction massacres, after parties, naked teases, gut stabbin’, and knife slashin’ galore! 2/5!

MAXXXINE (2024)

Years after the grisly events of X, porn star Maxxxine is ’bout to get her big break in Hollywood as the leadin’ lady in a highly anticipated horror sequel, but someone from her past won’t let her forget ’bout what happened on Pearl’s farm and might have somethin’ to do with a string of brutal La La Land murders makin’ the news. Another left turn of a sequel from writer/director Ti West that pays obvious homage to Giallo mysteries, this ain’t as scary as X or as memorable as Pearl, but it’s every bit as entertainin’. An awesome overload of threads and music from 1985, Mai Goth once ‘gain brings a magnetic performance to a multi-faceted character who’s as despicable as she is delightful to watch, but her story feels a little too disconnected from the slasher half of the flick despite it all comin’ full circle by the end credits. If the filmmakers just played up the horror a little more with Maxxxine in the thick of the murders ‘stead of the sidelines playin’ cat and mouse with Kevin Bacon as a sleaze fer hire, I’d probably like this more. Strippin’ at gunpoint, gun barrel suckin’, ball crushin’, car crushin’ blood baths, fistful o’ keys to the face, total bodily dismemberment galore, well meanin’ cults, sacrificial snuff films, kidnappin’, plastic baggie suffocatin’, explodin’ heads, Hollywood sign showdowns, video store murders, stabbin’s galore, chases on the Psycho house set, prosthetic makin’, peep shows, skin flick makin’, booger sugar, shoot ’em up deaths, eye gougin’, and attempted muggin’! 3/5! 

TERRIFIER 3 (2024)

After his bizarre rebirth Halloween night, Art goes into a five year hibernation with one of his deformed victims as a new sidekick, and they randomly come out of hidin’ durin’ the yuletide season fer an all new killin’ spree while huntin’ the traumatized survivors of the last flick who possess a supernatural edge fer destroyin’ him. A sequel with more focus and substance than the previous entry but with just as much blood and guts that’d make even the most seasoned gorehound rethink their dinner, the biggest highlight of this unforgivin’ splatter fest is Lauren LaVera’s whirlwind performance as returnin’ last girl Sienna, givin’ Jamie Lee Curtis a run fer her money portayin’ serial killer survivors. As good as Sienna’s story arc is, however, her whole angels and demons connection to Art and the rules fer bringin’ him down are a little lost on me, but it don’t take away from the experience of seein’ Art literally tear a fella apart while his minion pleasures herself on the sidelines with a shard of mirror. Go figure. Biggest shock of the movie fer me ain’t so much seein’ a Santa suit wearin’ Art hack up gullible young’ns off camera, but the scene where he attacks a packed mall in the middle of day. Can’t say I expected to see that! Home invadin’, decapitatin’ galore, face rippin’ and peelin’, liquid nitrogen weapons, hand smashin’ galore, kidnappin’, lap wettin’, horn honkin’ gaore, arm severin’, leg severin’, genital destroyin’, shower deaths with chainsaws, bodily dismemberment galore, force feedin’ with rats, throat slittin’, swords versus chainsaws, headless body action, face eatin’, visions of mutilated friends, face hackin’, bullets to the head, rats galore, ratcicles, chainsaws up the ass, carrots to the face, axes to the head, bathtub suicides, throat stabbin’s, explodin’ presents, crucifyin’, and portals to the underworld! 3/5! 

MR. CROCKET (2024)

The demonic ghost of a former kids show host named Mr. Crocket is kidnappin’ young’ns from supposedly abusive homes through their TVs with supernatural VHS copies of his program, but he mislabels one brat’s frustrated mama, and she’ll go to hell and beyond to yank her rugrat back to reality. Best described as Channel Zero meets Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, this flick has all the elements for a scary fun time with a solid concept and great story, but the filmmakers don’t push the envelope ‘nough. Rather than exploitin’ all the crazy Pee-wee lookin’ monster puppets or their PBS themes fer a buncha memorable kills, Mr. Crocket’s chewin’ most the scenes solo, and Freddy Kreuger he is not. Not a knock ‘gainst the actor, mind ya, but he doesn’t have ‘nough screen presence to command the scenes the way the script seems to call fer, resultin’ in some painfully drawn out encounters beggin’ to be snappier. Other than that and a few questionable plot points like whether or not the kidnapped young’sn grow old in Crocket’s hell dimension or how one parent can channel surf for Crocket’s evil, this is a sweet watch and worth checkin’ out. Demons crawlin’ outta VCRs and grabbin’ folks through TVs, neck bittin’, monstrous chairs, monstrous birds, disembowelin’, explodin’ heads with bubbles, games of hide and shriek, dimensional hoppin’, ankle bitin’, mind controllin’, weaponized magic markers, tragic backstory time, kidnappin’ galore, library research, gross force feedin’, and funerals! 3/5!

WISHCRAFT (2002)

While a mild mannered student makes wishes on a magic bull boner he mysteriously receives in the mail to date his high school crush, some seemingly unrelated slasher is slaughtertin’ random classmates with swords and bowlin’ balls. Wow, what a mess of a script. Usually the person makin’ the wishes experiences some negative repercussions that escalate with each wish, sometimes resultin’ in worse things like evil prophecies bein’ fulfilled, but this guy just squeaks by the whole movie without a single supernatural problem. Essentially two different movies with bafflin’ scene transitions every now and ‘gain involvin’ the goofball fer a best friend, the loosely defined “hero” has no reason to believe the killings of these students he barely knows have anythang to do with him, and he never even meets the killer ’til the last few minutes. SPOILERS: The wish boner was a gift from the guy’s teacher who used his last wish to be strong ‘nough to kill problem students he hated. Ugh. Home invadin’, kidnappin, locker doors to the face, up to the neck burials, bowlin’ balls to the face, hang ’em high stranglin’, decapitatin’, killin’ with samurai swords, golf course murders, school dances, super powered throwdowns, neck stabbin’s, bar brawlin’, stealin’, and Meatloaf fer a homicide detective with Zelda Rubinstein as a mortician with horribly cheesy dialogue! 2/5! 

SALEM’S LOT (2024)

A writer returns to his small town roots to confront ghosts from his past in the local haunt but bumps that trauma to the backburner when he figures out a nosferatu-wannabe’s blown into town and turnin’ everyone into bloodsuckers. The second remake of the classic idiot box mini-series from 1979, this version of Salem’s Lot is nearly a beat fer beat remake of the original with it also takin’ place in ’79 but cuts out all that character buildin’ drama for a more action packed flick that culminates in a reimagined endin’ with a final pulse poundin’ showdown at the drive-in ‘fore hittin’ the two hour mark. The filmmakers may take it fer granted fans of the TV adaptations or even Stephen King’s book already know all the dynamics ‘mong the different folks fightin’ fer their lives ‘gainst neighbors turned supernatural killers, but newbies to the lot will be sorely deprived of King’s penchant fer creatin’ characters worth carin’ ’bout, save the breakout star of the film, Jordan Preston Carter as this version’s young’n turned vamp killer Mark. Arguably the most likable and rounded character in the flick who’d give the Monster Squad and even the Frog Brothers a run fer their money, this little guy easily makes my list fer greatest ass kickers in horror! Flyin’ dead young’ns, monstrous transformations, neck bitin’ galore, glowin’ crosses, Godly defenses, holy ground safe zones, monstrous matchsticks, drive-in romances, minor funerals, head bashin’, Houdini escapin’, kidnappin’, stakin’, the most pristine fleet of classic cars ever wrangled fer a horror flick, human roadkill, mad mamas, and a new means of curin’ vampirism within seconds of a bite! 3/5! 

V/H/S BEYOND (2024)

An anthology of six found footage terrors loosely themed ’round e.t. encounters of the unfriendly kind, this installment in the V/H/S series offers a pretty solid mix of numbskull zombies, song and dance droids on the fritz, body horror dog moms, sky divin’ scares, gene splicin’, and the usual nonconsensual probin’. A strong collection of cinematic talents here, the sweets heavily outweigh the sours. The framin’ story’s pretty weak and confusingly weaves in and out of the shorts, there’s periodic discrepancies ‘mong camera technologies, and I don’t understand why there’s two segments in here that don’t even fit the alien theme. I mean, “Fur Babies” is as good as Tusk, but “Dream Girl” is at least within the realm of sci-fi with it featurin’ a babe bot goin’ berserk. While all the shorts are stand outs, I think “Stowaway” is the most creative, “Stork” is the most fun, “Fur Babies” is the most disturbin’, and “Live and Let Die” is the most inventive. Rest are just meh. Face rippin’ and wearin’, brain drinkin’, e.t. baby nurseries, shoot ’em ups galore, skydivin’ chases, UFO tractor beams, hyperspace jumpin’, DNA slammin’, healin’ nanobots, spaceships, plane crashin’, kidnappin’, maulin’, brainwashin’, surgical enhancements, shock collars, chloroformin’, taxidermied pets, impalin’, mind wipin’ stares, finger severin’, stabbin’s galore, music video mayhem, chainsaws, and head crushin’! 4/5! 

MONSTER SUMMER (2024)

When young’ns start turnin’ into indifferent drones ’round Martha’s Vineyard, a concerned teen journalist suspects a witch is suckin’ their souls and enlists the help of a retired detective to stop her. A family friendly horror flick with somethin’ fer everyone, this is top shelf filmmakin’ from beginnin’ to end that watches like a lost Spielberg flick. It’s light hearted fun with serious ‘nough stakes, the actin’ hits on all pistons, the story keeps me engaged with rich characters and its whodunnit mystery, and there’s actually a monstrous lookin’ witch to look forward to! They don’t make ’em like this anymore. Explodin’ landmines, red herrings, shapeshiftin’, kidnappin’, soul suckin’, silver bullet defenses, tragic backstories, bike and car chases, unbelievably trustin’ parents, treehouse horrors, guilt ridden illusions, home invadin’, and homages to The Sandlot! 4/5!

HOUSE OF SPOILS (2024)

A new high falutin restaurant is bein’ opened in a witch’s former abode, and the rookie head chef is catchin’ hell fer her questionable dishes as the witch’s ghost vexes her with visions that could make or break her career. Kind of like that cookin’ drama The Bear but with witches, this ain’t the most excitin’ thang I’ve ever seen, but it manages to keep me invested thanks to Ariana DeBose’s screen presence as the spooked cook. Things look great production wise and the actin’ is good all ’round, but the scares get a little repetitive after the halfway point and boils to a pretty disappointin’ happy endin’ I didn’t see comin’. Oddball taste testin’, wine cellar prisons, tunnel crawlin’, witchy rituals, spoilin’ food, bug illusions galore includin’ insect packed meals, finger bitin’, autocannibalism, rabbit killin’ and eatin’, food spittin’, and witch huntin’ flashbacks! 3/5!

CODDO LAKE (2024)

Two strangers stumble ‘cross pockets of time anomalies in a swamp and unknowingly make a delicate mess of their timeline that brings ’em closer together. Straight up sci-fi without any horrifying undertones, this time travel flick is successfully thought out fer the most part and achieves a terrific progression of reveals that avoids anythin’ as ludicrous as someone becomin’ their own grandparent. Probably a plot hole here and there if ya really strain yer brain, but it’s an overall deep flick supported by a top notch production. Jumpin’ off dams, outrunnin’ coppers, boat chases, time travelin’ lifelines, impalin’, explosions, wicked storms, parkin’ lot cat fights, mama drama, dead gator carcasses, and an amazin’ use of 10 free minutes on a computer! 4/5! 

MIRRORS 2 (2010)

The cursed mirror from the first flick has been relocated to a new store in Louisiana, and it’s now hauntin’ a security guard with the sixth sense, so he can help avenge the death of a store employer who’s takin’ her afterlife frustrations out on her upper management killers through their lookin’ glass doppelgangers. Every bit as sweet as the first Mirrors, this sequel’s an excellent follow-up with convincin’ actors, a solid story, and a nice handful of grisly moments that make even me cringe like the fella made to chew shards of a busted mirror. Ouch! Only sour worth mentionin’ are the actors playin’ the homicide detectives whose stiff actin’ really stuck out with ’em tryin’ their hardest to milk their screen time with snooze worthy tough guy acts. Stranglin’, roofied rapin’, kidnappin’, corpse hidin’, bathroom security cams, boobs in the shower, supernatural head rippin’, decapitatin’, shower wreckin’, Achilles heel cuttin’, disembowelin’, near deaths with a pizza cutter, sixth sense inducin’ car wrecks, two way mirror conversations, and interdimensional yankin’! 4/5!

THE H-MAN (1958)

A drug bust turns into a monster hunt when Tokyo police learn a radioactive slime is loose in the city, turnin’ any random yahoo into a pool of gross that continues the chain of monstrous transformations. More crime noir than creature feature ’til the last act, this Toho production is a slow burn and doesn’t really pay off with that spectacular of a monster. One of the most annoyin’ sours of the story, however, is the inconsistency as to whether or not these are H-Men or an H-Man. Are the monster’s victims becomin’ their own corrosive entities or are they all an extension of some single hive mind? Regardless of that confusion, the endin’ in the sewers is worth checkin’ out, though I have to admit the fire the cops start to cook the monster looks pretty out of control, makin’ me think Tokyo’s gonna be nothin’ but rubble by the end of the credits. Left behind disappearances, drug pushers, kidnappin’, ghost ship flashbacks, instant meltdowns, club singin’, police raids, and ‘lotta dismissed science mumbo! 2/5! 

KRAZY HOUSE (2024)

An accident prone dad struggles with his do-gooder Christian beliefs as a violent pack of commie thugs invades his family’s home in search of somethin’ they hid in the walls, turnin’ his sitcom life into an R rated crime drama burstin’ with rapid fire shock value. Comparable to a Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! sketch runnin’ away with itself, this might just be one of the most inane flicks I’ve ever seen next to Thankskilling 3. It’s listed as a horror/comedy, but it ain’t scary or funny in the least. There’s not a single character worth carin’ ’bout, none of the jokes land due to flimsy set-ups, the tension’s practically non-existent, the lines ‘tween these clashin’ genres and beyond are blurred beyond belief, and the only memorable moments are the dad murderin’ Jesus with a nail through the brain basket ‘fore ass rapin’ a dyin’ fella with a statue of the Lord and savior. Essentially a criminally underdeveloped nugget of an interestin’ idea unbelievably stretched to feature length. Skip! Scrub shoes, kitchen accidents galore, home destruction galore, nun killin’, keep away with flamin’ baby corpses, imaginary crack friends, sexual innuendos galore with a sausage eatin’ party, crucifyin’, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets, dog shootin’, rat catchin’, regurgitated gum babies, shoot ’em up action galore, hot drinks to the face, roofied vodkas, holy visions, slave drivin’, hostage takin’, kidnappin’, explodin’ heads, shot up shins, necrophilia, bullets in the back, and awkward toilet humor! 2/5!

THE BEAST COMES AT MIDNIGHT (2024)

A hopeful live streamer on circus sideshows hopes to grow his audience and maybe make some friends by investigatin’ reports of a crazed teddy bear lookin’ werewolf on a killin’ spree through his town. A charmin’ family flick that feels like watchin’ a high schooler’s film project with a budget, this ain’t the best werewolf movie I’ve ever seen but faaar from the worse. Some yahoos may pick on it fer its amateur actin’ and respectfully chuckle worthy creature effects, but it’s well shot, thoughtfully edited, and competently written for the most part. The only sours I’m pingin’ this sucker fer is how little the hero has to do with the werewolf which leaves the movie fairly uneventful with him just lolly gaggin’ ’round town with his big top interests bringin’ bullies’ taunts and flirts from curious girls. If only he had somethin’ at stake to serve as a more pressing motivation to hunt the werewolf — like someone to rescue from bein’ its next meal, or needin’ to kill it to prevent himself from turnin’ hairy after a bite, or realizin’ the wolf’s someone important he knows —  this coulda had the potential to be the next Silver Bullet. Lots of off camera kills with zip gore, cartoony transformations, knightly armored defenses, CGI monster documentary toons oddly on 8mm reels, circus museums, silver dust attacks, wolf fightin’ gypsies, subtle pedophile plots, and Eric Roberts fer all of two minutes! 3/5!

JACK’S BACK (1988)

A moody twin uses a psychic vision of his brother’s misconceived death to track his killer, and it could very well be a Jack the Ripper copycat makin’ headlines in LA. A mystery thriller with no mystery or thrills, this ain’t a bad flick, but incredibly lame. The filmmakers basically peg a fella as Jack the Ripper within the first 30 minutes, then spend 4/5 the runtime with the vengeful twin huntin’ him down fer Doublemint justice, just to learn the fella’s only killin’ folks to prove he ain’t the new Ripper ‘fore the real slasher wannabe senselessly crashes the final scene for no other reason than a forced twist endin’. So, just like watchin’ a movie that turns out to be someone’s pointless dream, the meat of the movie is essentially one HUGE disappointin’ detour from the sellin’ point of the flick I’m watchin’ this fer. Instead of randomly havin’ the real Ripper break his pattern at the very end and goin’ after the final girl with no motivation as the twin races to her rescue by some kinda supernatural precognition, the filmmakers shoulda left the first guy as the Ripper but not show his face so it’s more of a whodunnit with a couple of victims left to carry out his copycat plans for added thrills. Angry bosses, breakin’ and enterin’, faked suicides, abortions, offscreen stabbin’s, dead prego hookers, stranglin’, window crashin’, and car chases! 2/5! 

PALE BLOOD (1990)

A vampire investigates news from LA ’bout supposed bloodsucker attacks, runs smack into the sicko responsible ‘fore the first reel’s even up, then spends the whole movie either toyin’ with the wannabe fanger ’cause he’s bored or strugglin’ to put the pieces to this murder mystery together, ’cause he’s too stupid to figure out this is a videographer’s elaborate trap to catch a real vampire on tape. Not a terrible flick, but poorly executed as far as story is concerned. This would be ten times better if the vampire actually had to work to find the killer ‘mong red herrings to give it more mystery, and if there were ‘nother suspenseful kill or two throughout the movie ‘fore their final showdown. New wave soundtrack, music video opportunities, foldable coffins, fang-tastic twists, blood drainin’, hypnotizin’, bullets to the gut, nut house endin’s, slow-mo action, psychic vamp stuff, boobs ‘tween the sheets, clubbin’, egg crackin’ behind the knees, kidnappin’, neck bitin’, vamp on vamp suckin’, and fanger fandom! 2/5! 

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE (2024)

A Quiet Place‘s second sequel, city folks panic at the initial landin’ of the kill happy e.t.s with super hearin’, but one sick gal makes pizza a priority over her safety and will tip toe through miles of CG monsters to get what could be mankind’s last slice. A character driven adventure that barely adds anythin’ new to the Quiet Place mythos, this feels more like a short that should have been featured ‘mong an anthology of scenarios inspired by the movies, like The Matrix’s companion piece Animatrix. Top shelf filmmakin’ and terrifically acted, but nothin’ that fun or memorable I’d wanna revisit anytime soon, especially since it don’t continue anyone’s story from the previous flicks. Subway sneakin’, manglin’ galore, unfazed cats, leftover street pizza, suicide by creature attacks, puppet shows, water weaknesses, and therapeutic screamin’! 3/5!

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE (2024)

When Lydia returns home fer her pop’s funeral, she’s ambushed by her money hungry boyfriend to marry him Halloween night just ‘fore her daughter’s duped into the afterlife to look fer her own dead dad by a suspicious ghost she has a crush on, forcin’ Lydie to call on Beetlejuice for the first time in decades to help her find her youngin’ in trade fer her hand in marriage ‘fore his former wife he butchered forever ago exacts her revenge on him. Talk ‘bout ten pounds of ideas in a five pound bag! This sequel’s a fun time overall, but the story gets five plots deep at times with long build-ups resolved in the blink of an eye, and I think too much time is spent on real world drama compared to the first movie bein’ 95% afterlife antics thanks to the main characters dyin’ within the first few minutes. I also thought it repeated a smidge too much from the first flick with the sandworm weddin’ and the unnecessary army of shrunken head employees bein’ my point of nostalgia overkill. Despite all that and Beetlejuice’s former lover bein’ a total waste of a character with ’bout zero screen time with the Juice, however, Keaton brings the house down as the ghost with the most, there’s alotta great world buildin’, and it’s set on Halloween to boot! Fast track births, soul suckin’ galore, Christmas Vacation callbacks, cleaner chuggin’, fatal freefallin’ through a manhole, fatal snake bites, interdimensional hopin’, soul barterin’, explodin’ chalk art, Mario Bava themed backstories, shark attacks, folks bitten in half, body part assembly, Soul Train gags, free floatin’ weddin’s with oozin’ cakes, familiar sandworm deaths, Beetlejuice babies, ankle bitin’, sixth sensin’, bike wrecks, and modest Halloween decorum! 3/5!

THE EXORCISM (2024)

After an actor is spontaneously possessed and dies on the set of the newest exorcism flick in Hollywood, the part’s recast with a thespian workin’ to reclaim his sobriety and career who encounters the same evil plaguing the production but at a snail’s pace with a pretty wild wrap-up. This movie is — bizarre to say the least. It’s well shot and terrifically acted, but all the possession stuff is totally random without even a hint of an explanation, it plays second fiddle to the character driven drama of the actor’s mess of a past, and no one ever has the appropriate reaction or questions to what’s happenin’ even when they witness the evil inside their star bendin’ him like Gumby and slammin’ his head into tables. Best part is the new spin on the Exorcist endin’ with the evil jumpin’ ship ‘fore the poor sucker he possesses is hysterically flambeed with no consequence to the people involved. I know the filmmakers are tryin’ to say somethin’ with this flick, but I ain’t gotta clue what. If ya want a good Russel Crow movie with demons, stick with The Pope’s Exorcist. Daddy daughter drama, human matchsticks, holy water, possessin’, human bendies, head slammin’, shards of mirror to the face, and pissin’ in corners! 2/5! 

BLOOD PAGEANT (2021)

To win some kinda reality show bein’ shot outta Hollywood mansion, a hoodoo practicin’ gal will use every dirty spell she can muster to take out her glamorous opponents, but she’s takin’ by the surprise when one of ’em turns out to be a Sunday school teacher with the power of Christ protectin’ her. Undoubtedly a church funded flick disguisin’ itself as a horror movie to reach unsaved souls, don’t expect the usual tropes of blood, gore, and boobs from this snooze fest. Nope, this is a fairly sanitized watch with all the kills happenin’ offscreen and the big bad of the movie bein’ defeated with prayer ‘stead of the usual axes and chainsaws. What little bit of preachiness it has doesn’t bother me, but I can’t forgive the inane script for its confusin’ characters, poor set-ups, and sloppy escalation. What kind of competition is this even, and why is the Sunday school teacher cool with paradin’ her tits and ass but wants to cry when bein’ told to say somethin’ is better than her granny’s cookin’, ’cause she sees actin’ the same as lyin’. Oh, and don’t bother seein’ this fer Snoop Dogg. He’s there for a hot minute at the beginnin’ then literally phones it in the rest of the movie. 2/5!

THE NIGHT OF THE HARVEST (2024)

A mysterious woman in white kills a teen’s family and keeps her under lock and key fer months, yammerin’ ’bout needin’ her fer some harvest ritual that requires a sacrifice to avoid her own kid from bein’ taken by a big bad entity she encountered in the woods, but gangs of roamin’ yahoos mindin’ their business is ’bout to throw a big monkey wrench in her shoddy plan. I can forgive low budget DIY filmmakin’, but this sucker has a pretty convoluted plot, only one good actor who’s not even the main character, and an uneventful drag of a pace that’s a real tolerance tester thanks to the filmmakers decidin’ this should be a 2 HOUR MOVIE! Without a doubt, I’d enjoy this more if it were cut back to 1 hr. 20 min., but it’s not, so — skip it! Stabbin’s, handles shoved down folks’ throats, kidnappin’, geocachin’, and other forgettable stuff this flick doesn’t deserve me wastin’ brain cells ‘memberin’! 2/5! 

HELL HOLE (2024)

A Serbian frackin’ crew digs a livin’ soldier from Napoleon’s army right outta the ground with a monstrous mollusk of a parasite keepin’ him alive, but once threatened, the monster starts leap froggin’ from one poor yahoo to the next, resultin’ in murderous chaos ‘cross the work site. Sort of a mash-up ‘tween The Thing and Venom, this flick’s a mixed bag of sweets and sours. It boasts a great idea for a creature feature with decent ‘nough gore and monster effects, but the parasite’s life cycle is all kinds of confusin’ with its motivation for survival constantly jugglin’ ‘tween incubation and reproduction. The characters are entertainin’ and varied but performed by a buncha so-so actors strugglin’ to naturally pull off the script’s earnest attempts at witty dialogue. The camera work is decent, but the editin’ is rough and distractingly experimental at times when unnecessarily cut to the score’s rock rifts. Worth a watch, but don’t expect to take away anythin’ more than the sight of tentacles jumpin’ outta one guy’s ass into ‘nother fella’s orifices. Explodin’ horses, explodin’ construction workers, parasite cheerleaders, CGI tentacles outta every hole in the human body, drowin’ suicides, accidental bullets to the brain basket, lynch mobs, firin’ squads, stranglin’, throwdowns, and head bashin’! 3/5! 

SHADOW IN THE CLOUD (2020)

In the thick of World War II, an unexpected soldier with a top secret package catches a testosterone fueled flight outta New Zealand on a B-17 bomber, and if bein’ stuffed in a defective ball turret with male chauvinists in her ear and enemy planes tryin’ to shoot her down ain’t ‘nough, there’s a nasty gremlin from Twilight Zone the Movie tearin’ the plane apart as well. Not exactly a monster movie in the strictest sense, Shadow in the Cloud is best described as half radio drama half popcorn flick. It all terrifically takes off with captivatin’ tension and chemistry ‘mong its characters and an uber cool synth score to boot but shockingly spirals into a whirlwind of nonsense action movie physics in the second half with the heroine climbin’ outta her one woman bubble to perform Fast and Furious kinda stunts like she’s Spider-Man at 30,000 ft. Despite that and not makin’ the movie more ’bout the gremlin, this still proves a fun watch worth sharin’. Tail severin’, flyin’ critters, explosions, CG critter beat downs, baby mama strength, air combat, lotta dirty talkin’, fatal freefallin’, maulin’, domestic drama, baby daddy drama, plane crashin’, fatal gut wounds, and fellas riddled with bullets! 4/5! 

IMMACULATE (2024)

The newest nun in an Italian convent randomly ‘comes a prego overnight despite bein’ a virgin, and she’s gotta figure out if this is truly a miracle from God or somethin’ blasphemous she’s gotta destroy. A slow burnin’ horror with a top shelf production behind it, this is one of ’em flicks that’s a well made movie through an through, just nothin’ I’d ever care to see a second time. The reveal behind the baby’s conception isn’t totally original but still great, there’s plenty of tension, but I’m never fearin’ fer the prego nun’s life, and the most grippin’ part of the movie is waitin’ to see where the filmmakers start the end credits to add more zing to the final girls decision fer what to do with her newborn anomaly. Feet brandin’ with crosses, fatal freefallin’, cat fightin’ in the bath, tongue severin’, mad scientists labs, clonin’, baby crushin’, ragin’ fires, catacomb chases, human matchsticks, stranglin’, childbirthin’ off camera, and head bashin’ with crosses! 4/5!

FORGET ME NOT (2009)

After a gang of high school seniors play a macabre version of tag in a graveyard, a ghost like woman picks ’em off one by one the followin’ day and turns ’em into duct tape wearin’ creatures while erasin’ ’em from the timeline ’til only one friend ‘members any of ’em existed and has to defeat the mysterious boogaboo ‘fore she’s either committed to a rubber room or erased herself. Sound confusin’ ‘nough? Thanks to a sloppy set-up of teases ‘stead of backstory, the majority of this flick is more questions than answers with me constantly wonderin’ what this killer ghost girl’s deal is and why her look keeps changin’, ‘causin’ me to doubt when it’s her or one of her jittery minions on screen. The worse is when (SPOILERS) it’s not revealed ’til the very end this is all some kinda out of body apparition after everyone, ’cause they accidentally scared a girl into a coma years ago durin’ one their graveyard games. So, is this girl doin’ some kinda astral projectin’? How does she have the power to remove folks from existence? She’s not buried in the graveyard or have her accident there, so how are these yahoos playin’ the game suddenly triggerin’ her need fer belated revenge? What jerks would keep playin’ a game they associate with someone gettin’ seriously hurt? Cool visuals and nuggets o’ ideas, but a terrible story overall. Car explosions, human grindin’, hand mincin’, drownin’, live burials, fatal freefalls through windows, coma switcheroos, and eerie doodles fer shits and giggles! 2/5! 

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (2011)

The world has fallen into a zombie apocalypse and gangs of one note survivors join up to fight their way to a uninfected island off the coast of California. This is as generic as zombie movies get. If ya like watchin’ video games of folks mindlessly killin’ their way from point A to B, then partner, you’ll enjoy this lackluster flick. It watches like the most watered down episode of The Walking Dead you’ve ever seen with zero character development, no creative kills, and snooze worthy situations. Only thang I took away from this bore fest is some eye candy and a laughable buddy system that could be life or death when ya gotta take a dump in a bush. Not a hard pass, but not recommended ‘less you’re hard up fer somethin’ to watch. Human meals, flesh eatin’, zombies versus heavy duty machine guns and grenades, chicks with swords, archers, splattered remains, nose bleedin’, porta potty zombies, and zombie dogs! 3/5! 

THE SEED (2021)

A meteor shower in the desert turns out bein’ an invasion of interstellar hand puppets, and one of the rubbery e.t.s lazily dupes some gal pals into a psychedelic orgy of guts that rapidly turns ’em into body horror pregos carryin’ the next wave of space terrors. Wonderfully shot and cast with entertainin’ characters clickin’ over what to do with a practical effects monster that boasts as much perplexin’ charm as a gremlin or ghoulie, this flick has ‘nough ingredients fer a sweet story full of crazy twists and turns but just doesn’t add ‘nough meat to the plot to escalate the tension much less my interest. The neighbor should be more important to the girls’ understandin’ the e.t.s’ arrival or demise, the threat ‘mong the friends themselves should ‘come more serious when they start bein’ controlled by their house guest, and the e.t. needs to be more dangerous overall. I mean, I’m not worried fer Earth when these suckers spend most their time cryin’ on their backs and can be takin’ out like a game of Whac-A-Mole! Kiss barterin’, cannonball divin’ from space, shotguns to the face, maulin’, semi-shuntin’, goo bleedin’ from every orifice, prego roadkill, head bashin’, babes by the pool, hypnotizin’ stares, invigorated workouts, and bullets to the shoulder! 3/5!

TRAP (2024)

A brutal serial killer takes his clueless daughter to the hottest teeny boppin’ concert in town and realizes an army of boys in blue are closin’ in to catch him ‘less he can exploit folks’ gullibility to escape the stadium without his secret identity bein’ blown. A fun flick that makes ya question yerself rootin’ fer the bad guy thanks to Josh Hartnett’s goofy gosh charm as the lead sociopath, writer/director M. Night Shyamalam-a-ding-dong keeps me glued to the screen with the constant tension of the killer thinkin’ on his feet at every turn, but once the story moves beyond the concert, the movie drastically loses steam. With multiple dragged out endin’s, a heroine whose actin’ chops remind me of high school student films, and NO TWISTS (not to mention a body count o’ zip-o), this sweet ride disappointingly ends on a sour note, makin’ me wish fer the movie I fantasized when I first saw the trailer. For what that’s worth — I predicted Hartnett was only a serial killer to feed poor saps to his daughter who’d turn out to be some kinda monster like a werewolf or vampire. Woulda been interestin’, I think. Explodin’ deep fried drinks, blindin’ distractions, loose lips sinkin’ foolproof plans, kidnappin’, handcuff pickin’, shirtless pie eatin’, Hogan’s Heroes tunnel escapin’, and roofied sweets! 4/5!

AMP HOUSE MASSACRE (2024)

On the anniversary of a social media star’s shady death, a popular influencer house is locked down by a masked slasher aimin’ to cancel every pretentious duesch inside, one dark secret at a time. Burstin’ with some of the most unlikable yahoos EVER committed to celluloid, this is one of ’em flicks that look sweet but is nothin’ but sour storytellin’ through and through. The killer looks neat but lacks any imaginative kills, there’s all this build-up to a newbie bein’ introduced as though she’s the movie’s last girl but is pointlessly taken out as soon as things get started, and it makes no sense why anyone plays ‘long with the killer’s games when all they have to do is barricade themselves in a room and watch each other’s backs. Skip! Stabbin’s, druggin’, drownin’, scare prankin’, head knockin’, and non-sense reveals fer the killer’s motivation! 2/5!

THE SPELL (1977)

When folks started dyin’ from broken necks and spontaneous combustion, a mother suspects her fat shamed daughter’s makin’ it happen somehow with whatever she’s doin’ in the woods late at night. A made fer TV movie, this Carrie wannabe suffers from alotta piss poor storytellin’ that’s borderline comedic. The parents talk ’bout their problem child like she’s not even theirs, supposedly important characters are killed as quickly as they’re introduced, the majority of the scenes take place in a cave of a kitchen, and clues to what’s goin’ on never gel ’til the best part of the movie – the domestic brawlin’ end that reveals this is all ’bout witches and their bloodline as the mom and her angst-ridden teen fight like two angry Jedis. Attempted drowinin’, fatal freefall showboatin’ on ropes, combustible puppets, people flingin’, mind controlled motorists, attempted road kill, heart attacks offscreen, and pupils fightin’ with masters! 2/5!

THE FIRST OMEN (2024)

The Omen prequel no one asked fer, fans of the original Antichrist trilogy can finally learn how Damien’s mama mated with a jackal as a soon-to-be nun in 1970s Rome uncovers a whole mess of conspiracies within the church that takes the phrase “the road to Hell is paved with good intentions” to all new levels with holier than thou yahoos engineerin’ the end of days prophecies to help boost God’s numbers. To plug somethin’ new and entertainin’ into a timeline as complete as The Omen‘s is pretty bold, but the filmmakers actually pull it off believe it or not. While I know Satan’s little hellraiser is gonna be born, this flick’s tension and engagement comes from the guessin’ game of who’s gonna be the unlucky mama to bring him into this world and just who the supposed devil worshippers are behind it all. Even when I see the twists comin’ a mile away, it’s the devil in the details that keeps me invested and continue connectin’ the dots fer seein’ the whole picture ‘hind Damien’s rise to power. Most notable are the extremes the movie takes to stand out ‘mong its predecessors which not only include the classic suicidal hangin’ with fire added but full on shots of vaginas with monstrous appendages birthin’ outta ’em! Despite that, I say this late entry definitely earns its place ‘mong the original Omen series. Head splittin’ accidents, human road kill, black out rituals, paper trail of deformities, human matchsticks, hangin’ suicides, suspicious doodlin’, hauntin’ visions, supernatural rapin’, incestual guessin’ science, disco dancin’, secret tunnels, riotin’, and lightnin’ fast pregnancies with c section births! 4/5!

PORTAL TO HELL!!! (2015)

A grumpy superintendent discovers cultists usin’ his apartment buildin’s basement fer summonin’ Cthulhu inspired creatures and fights tooth and nail to close the gateway and save the world from utter devastation. A fun packed short film starrin’ WWE Hall of Famer Roddy Piper as the super, this 12 minute cheese fest has it all! A cast of distinguishable personalities, solid character development, thoughtfully comedic set-ups and payoffs, and plenty o’ practical gore with puppet monsters and CGI effects to boot. A must see I wish was feature length! Face meltin’, folks cut in half, CG gateways, spellbook recitin’, ax swingin’, tentacles with acid fer blood, and human meals! 5/5!

MONSTERNADO (2023)

Stuck in a hotel with nowhere to go, a handful of folks must weather miles high water spouts from the Bermuda Triangle carryin’ prehistoric CG dinos, sharks, gators, and fantasy creatures right outta Clash of the Titans through their city. Ridiculous from beginnin’ to end with pseudo science more half assed than Sharknado, this is one of ’em take it or leave it flicks. It’s made on a modest budget with a competent ‘nough cast bein’ chased by a never endin’ line-up of cartoon monsters tryin’ to eat ’em which makes fer a so-bad-it’s good watch, but the story leaves a lot to be desired with poorly written leads. The hero of this movie is supposed to be this scientist who knows all ’bout the spouts (which everyone in this world knows the science behind), and his goal is to warn the president of the impendin’ danger (which can be clearly seen on the news) and tell him how to stop it (shoot the monsters). I can’t ‘member the last time I watched a more useless hero whose expertise meant dick to the outcome of the movie. Watch at your own risk! Fighter jets vs pterodactyls, t-rexes, big ass gators, huge sharks, buildin’ climbin’ octopi, tentacle ambushes, FBI sting operations, undercover hookers, ‘lotta folks eaten, floodin’, and fantasy bug monsters! 2/5! 

HOUSEBOAT HORROR (1989)

Australian rockers set out on a fleet of houseboats to shoot a music video on a tranquil lake, but little do they know there’s a pissed off machete wieldin’ burn victim in the woods with an axe to grind ‘gainst filmmakers due to a tragedy he suffered on a movie set years ago. A slasher from down under, this shot on video horror ain’t the best with its lack of a central character, lame lookin’ killer, and mildly engagin’ action sequences but is pretty damn entertainin’ with ‘lotta ridiculous moments under the influence, drinkin’ game worthy uses of the word “mate”, and blips of gore that range from fake blood splatters to full on head splittin’ special effects! Lotta boobs ‘tween the sheets, throat slittin’, neck impalin’, needle jabbin’, jet skiin’, Cassandra figures, guttin’, under the bed stab attackin’, boobs in the shower, some of the worst fake drummin’ ever committed to celluloid, hitch hikin’, cat throwin’ jump scares, machetes to the head and back, noggin’ dissectin’, and one of the best PSA fer why folks shouldn’t talk on their phones while drivin’ side by side with their person they’re yappin’ with! 3/5! 

AMITYVILLE CURSE (2023)

A gang of friends move into the infamous Amityville house to flip it, but intangible horrors come outta the woodwork as usual and methodically takes the new residents out through a series of unexplainable suicides, fatal accidents, and manipulative murders. Always happy to see a bad movie remade ‘stead of a tried and true blockbuster, this modern update on the 1990 Amityville Curse has a lot goin’ fer it as far as a respectable cast and set that actually features the Amityville house complete with iconic windows, but the filmmakers seem pretty green to the horror genre. The first half the movie is shot and lit more like a comedy with bright scenes and sitcom kinda framin’, the script’s all over the place with one horror trope after ‘nother thrown in like spaghetti flung at the wall to see what works, and the effects are cheesy at best. Better than most amateur flicks piggy backin’ off the Amityville title, but nowhere near great. Seances, witchcraft, possessin’, sledgehammers to the head, evil voice effects, screamin’ specters, bathtub electrocutions, head bangin’, house fires, fatal freefalls, grace excavations, paranormal investigators, human road kill, mind manipulatin’, cheatin’ love affairs, shovels to the head, house blessin’, ankle breakin’, protective priests, cross defenses, and hangin’ suicides! 2/5! 

FESTIVAL OF THE LIVING DEAD (2024)

In a reality where Night of the Living Dead wasn’t followed by any apocalyptic sequels and folks honor mankind’s defeat of the zombie outbreak with an annual party at Festival of the Living Dead, a gang of melodramatic teens has their friendship pushed to the breakin’ point when a meteorite brings the zombie plague back after 55 years, turnin’ partyers into a nimble flesh chewin’ horde. A disappointin’ flick directed by the amazin’ Soska sisters, this is top notch filmmakin’ at its most forgettable. The characters, emotions, special effects and even car stunts are hittin’ on all the right cylinders, but the scene to scene action sequences and kills just lack any fresh spins and imagination to engage me in any effective way. The only moment that doesn’t feel like a run o’ the mill zombie flick I’ve seen a hundred times ‘fore is when a little kid shoots a yella bellied coward in the face to save his sister. That’s an unexpected shocker that got me perked in my chair! Car wreckin’, neck bitin’, head shootin’, rock show massacres, music video fillers, human torch suicides, wacky tobacky smokin’, shroomin’, vomitin’, air strikin’, explosions, blood ‘n guts disguises, blood spurtin’, undead transformations, hostages, medical missions, kidnappin’, and really loosey goosey rules fer how to get infected! 3/5!

#NO_FILTER (2022)

Some demonic force from Bali attaches itself to a social media star wannabe on vacation and twists her vapid reality online into a murderous series of possessed fantasy sequences neither she or her friends can make heads or tales out of ’til the bodies are counted at the end. More after school special on young’ns’ obsession with cell phone culture than horror, this is a frustratin’ watch fer me. It’s one thing to feel like this doesn’t ‘come a legit horror flick ’til the last 20 minutes, but the first hour is sooo unbearable with every scene and conversation bein’ ’bout nothin’ else but viral challenges, followers, and inane livestreams with phones glued to everyone’s hands. Whether it’s the filmmakers’ point to beat me over the head with how ridiculous influencers are or not, they needed to take a break from the theme every now and ‘gain and do a better job establishin’ the whole demon thing while threadin’ it through the story more consistently so there’s a more effective build-up to our last girl’s realization fer why she’s seein’ all kinds o’ crazy stuff she can’t explain. Possessed suicides, throat stabbin’s, prank scarin’, finger breakin’, throat slittin’, neck bitin’, bloody make-up tutorials, car trunks full o’ bodies, head bangin’, drownin’ in the tub, video alterin’, and alarmin’ account deletions! 2/5! 

THE WATCHERS (2024)

SPOILERS right off the bat — A deadpan pet shop employee accidentally crosses over into Ireland’s fairy country while on a delivery and finds herself stuck with a gang of survivors who fortify themselves in a mysterious one room bunker every night ‘gainst an army of big-ass changelings they must entertain like they’re on The Real World. From the daughter of twist master M. Night Shyamalan, this plays ’bout as straight forward as his Lady in the Water with everythin’ bein a mystery in the first act ‘fore all is revealed in the second, followed by a lukewarm finale. A sweet watch all ’round from the cinematography to the larger than life fairy creatures with superb sound design, the only sours ruinin’ this flick fer me is the lack of obvious questions I would think a newcomer to this nightmarish situation would ask, why the fairy hidin’ ‘mong the group isn’t exploitin’ the secrets below the bunker sooner, and the whole monster huntin’ endin’ which lacks any clear motivation to make sense. The fairy doesn’t eat people and doesn’t seem bent on world domination or even helpin’ the rest of its kind escape the forest they’re stuck in, so why do the movie’s survivors feel its their duty to kill her — even after she helps them beat the odds? Worse yet, why does the fairy plot to kill ’em ‘fore she learns they’re out to get her? If it’s ’bout protectin’ her secret, why doesn’t she just off ’em ‘fore they even reach civilization? Signs of no return, burrow explorin’, copycatin’, throat slittin’, evil doppelgangers, backstabbin’s, bird followin’, half breed day walkers, mind bendin’ forests, huntin’ small game, underground labs, confusingly untouched university offices, video logs with all the clues, boat chases, dead mama drama, dead wife drama, and monstrous transformations! 4/5!  

IN A VIOLENT NATURE (2024)

If ya ever wanted to follow the killer’s every step in a slasher, then check out this unique spin on the tried and true horror formula with a day in the life of a Jason Voorhees wannabe named Johnny, an undead powerhouse of a simpleton stalkin’ a gang of rowdy youths through the woods fer stealin’ his mama’s necklace. Devoid of any soundtrack, dramatic zingers, or cinematic sound effects makin’ things bigger than they are, this sucker really drives home the gritty realism without goin’ full blown documentary on us thanks to its thoughtful use of jump cuts and camera edits to move things ‘long and provide plot points when pertinent. I really like Johnny’s origin story fer ‘comin’ a slasher but coulda done without him wearin’ the goofy 1800s fireman mask. I also thought there’d be way more gore for somethin’ titled In a Violent Nature, but that’s not to say there ain’t a couple of outrageous moments, one of which is some body manglin’ unlike anythin’ I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid, and that’s sayin’ somethin’! Offscreen killin’, home invadin’, bear traps, impaled legs, head whackin’, breakin’ ‘n enterin’, stealin’, axe throwin’, head axin’, back breakin’, lumber jack origin stories, scary campfire tales, head hackin’, body draggin’, toy car crushin’, head smashin’ with rocks, decapitatin’, hooks through the torso and head, folks turned inside out, hitch hikin’ with tolerance testin’ bear huntin’ stories, underwater killin’, and an unnecessarily loooong scene of bodily dismemberment with a wood splitter! 4/5!

CLICKBAIT: UNFOLLOWED (2024)

A mysterious woman invites a select gang of social media influencers to a remote location for the chance to win a buttload of followers, but the competition takes a dark turn when losers with the fewest fans after each round are killed in over the top death traps. A surprisingly great flick from Tubi, what makes this movie so much fun to watch is its change in tone halfway through, goin’ from a Squid Game kinda horror to a straight up episode outta Batman: The Animated Series with the introduction of the comic bookish masterminds behind the terror, Sofia and Shalin. Silliness that’s just serious ‘nough, the filmmakers walk a fine line ‘tween subtle and preachy with the movie’s commentary on influencers from their role in society to their flaws as attention seekin’ opportunists and hucksters, but delivers an overall entertainin’ watch thanks to such a terrific mix of characters at ends with each other. Ridiculous treadmill deaths with spikes, decapitated unboxin’s, I wanna say robot minions, gas houses, electrified pools, face rippin’, blood drainin’, sniper kills, bangin’ without boobs, and folks blown apart from both ends at the same time! 4/5! 

DEADBOLT (2024)

Recently separated from her abusive boyfriend, a hopeful artist strives fer a fresh start movin’ to a new place in the city, but the neighborhood’s crime ridden, her bohemian roommate doesn’t know the meanin’ of personal space, and there’s someone inside their walls screwin’ with ’em. Yep. Ya seen one crawlspace creep flick, ya seen ’em all, and as always, ya know what’s happenin’ looong ‘fore anyone else in the movie and just waitin’ fer ’em to catch up to what ya already know an hour later. Despite seein’ the twist a mile away and a lack of buildin’ tension, however, this is a well made movie through and through and deserves a watch. But if you’d rather see what I consider the best versions of this subgenre instead, check out Hider in the House (1989) and Christina’s House (2000). Lye face cream, wicked rashes, medication switchin’, Texas Chainsaw Massacre inspired art, underground tunnels, overdosin’, live and dead rats, head hammerin’, freezer trappin’, and fatal freefalls! 3/5! 

SLAY (2024)

It’s From Dusk Til Dawn in drag when a travelin’ band o’ crossdressin’ performers have to rally a remote bar full o’ roughnecks ‘gainst a growin’ army of blood thirsty vampires interruptin’ their show. Top shelf production full o’ good humored laughs, respectable gore, and a sensibility found in a similar themed flick To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, this sucker’s a fun watch with a rich diversity of characters keepin’ thangs entertainin’. The story kinda drags in the middle which is a sour fer me, and I could use less “suck” gags which seems to be the go-to joke of the movie, but I do like the filmmakers introducin’ the idea of hungry fangers exercisin’ self control regardin’ who they drink or not. Lip sync stage shows, dance numbers, leg bitin’, arm bitin’, neck bitin’, CGI pixie dust deaths, weaponized garlic bread, drag queen transformations, shotgun action, silicone tit stabbin’, day walkers, tire slashin’, air duct chasin’, stakin’ with forks, hair pins, and high heels, and freezer holdin’ cells! 4/5! 

DEPARTING SENIORS (2023)

As graduation nears, no one suspects a sudden rash of student suicides is really the work of a masked slasher targetin’ bullies, ’til one teen learns the truth after gainin’ clairvoyance from bein’ pushed down the stairs and makes it his mission to stop the killer. A slasher with a supernatural twist I never saw comin’, this flick boasts an impressive ‘nough production value with a nice mix of characters, but the story suffers a lack of urgency or danger with barely anyone knowin’ there’s a killer at large. Not to mention, the murders are only mildly inventive, I think the filmmakers really missed out on not makin’ the senior lock-in a more epic backdrop to the finale, and the hero should’ve had more obstacles to overcome catchin’ the slasher. Bullyin’ at the pool, wrist slashin’, drownin’, hangin’, homophobia, coffee balloon prankin’, backstage chasin’, fatal freefalls, bloody POVs, clairvoyant flashin’, stabbin’s, stalkin’, wrench swingin’, and knock-outs with sandbags! 2/5! 

MALUM (2023)

A rookie police woman takes the final graveyard shift at a closin’ precinct to figure out why her cop fer a dad randomly committed murder-suicide there a year ago, and it don’t take long fer mind-bendin’ jump scares, hygiene challenged street trash, and a rampagin’ demon worshippin’ cult to turn her first night on the job upside down in preparation fer a lower god’s psychedelic arrival. More or less a remake of Last Shift by the same director, this is the same premise of a lone cop in a police station haunted by dead cult members but with more gore and a closer connection ‘tween the copper and the spooks after her. So, kudos fer all the sweet special effects that includes a gal gettin’ hung ’til her head pops off and covers folks in blood as thick as strawberry jam, but the last girl proves to be a major sour fer me with her bein’ too inconsistent (even unrealistic) with her reactions to all the chaos, all the while I’m wonderin’ why she doesn’t just leave. The girl in Last Shift had to stay fer a HAZMAT team to remove some dangerous evidence, but this gal has nothin’ to guard and can walk out the door anytime she wants or at least sit in her car, so why don’t she? Pants pissin’, crotch bleedin’ on the furniture, black mold cover stories, street riotin’, fat cracks, explodin’ heads, shotgun swallowin’, bullets to the brain basket, throat slittin’, eye poppin’, decapitatin’, supernatural nooses, stabbin’s, flyin’ faces, face beatin’, maimed spooks, gunned down hogs, bullets to the chest, mangled feet, tauntin’ phone calls, snuff films, secret lockers, trippy video viewin’, and over the top blood baths! 3/5! 

LOWLIFES (2024)

Stereotypes are turned on their heads as an RV ramblin’ family from the city encounter a family of rednecks in the sticks, leadin’ to a kill or be killed blood bath of cannibalistic delicacies. A superior take on the Tucker and Dale vs Evil concept, this is top shelf filmmakin’ through and through with knee slappin’ shocks and reveals, a respectable ‘mount of gore, and a terrifically well rounded cast keepin’ me engaged to the unpredictable endin’. Only sour I can find with this sucker is its lack of rewatchability after seein’ it once, but viewers can always recapture the fun of its twists and turns by wranglin’ in more folks who haven’t seen it yet. Kidnappin’, tainted chocolate, literal finger foods, vomitin’, eye snack rewards, finger severin’, slashin’, neck breakin’, hands on oven burners, boilin’ water to the face, neck impalin’ with knives and arrows, bullets to the brain basket, lesbo neckin’, wacky tobacky smokin’, hitch hikin’, freezers full o’ body parts, body hackin’, axes to the face, house fires, back stabbin’, eye gougin’, and autocannibalism! 4/5!

LOVELY, DARK, AND DEEP (2023)

Hopin’ to find answers to her sister’s disappearance years ago, a ranger accepts a lonely stint mannin’ a shack of an outpost in one of the most remote parts of a national park and discovers a force of nature greater than herself, demandin’ she sacrifice someone’s life to it. Ain’t much to say ’bout this flick other than it’s snooze worthy eye candy. It features a respectable cast in some gorgeous locations with a slightly unsettlin’ score settin’ the tone of the movie, but the story really spins its wheels by the second act with very little character development or escalation of danger to keep me engaged. Might’ve helped if there was some  tangible representation of this demandin’ force in the woods givin’ the ranger a hard time. White out realities, rattled hikers, out of body instructional experiences, and childhood flashbacks! 2/5! 

FOUNDERS DAY (2023)

As a small town’s election for its next mayor approaches, a masked killer with a trick knife gavel begins slaughterin’ teens associated with the competin’ candidates to manipulate the outcome. A little Scream meets Thanksgiving, the best way to describe this flick is it feels like a mini-series compressed into a feature length film with one foot off the merry-go-round. Characters are introduced more through word of mouth than on screen, there’s no context to support how awful these targeted politicians are to deserve such grisly fates, everyone’s sensitivity and reactions to the murders are laughable, the high school seems to be ran by a single teacher, the mastermind behind everythin’ is bankin’ on some unbelievable trust ‘tween him and his victims fer his plan to succeed, there’s some serious lack of town identity fer a movie called Founders Day, and the timeline is all kinds of fucked up with me wonderin’ how much time has passed ‘tween murders much less tryin’ to figure out when it’s Halloween or not. Not terrible, but could be A LOT better. Fake out deaths, supposed fatal freefalls, bridge beatin’s, non-sense M.O.s with poems, stabbin’s, face slashin’, head beatin’, mace to the face, dumpster corpses, drunken public speakin’, knifes to the head, attempted bangin’ on the teacher’s desk, giant splinters to the gut with ridiculous blood spurtin’, kidnappin’, bullets to the gut, bogus scare slasher pranks, mailbox bashin’, and one of the most outrageously complicated plots to bypass a simple election for an office position! 2/5! 

FROGMAN (2023)

Frustrated no one’s ever taken his home video of a cryptid sightin’ seriously, a hopeful filmmaker sets out to prove the existence of a wand wieldin’ frog man in the backwoods of Loveland, Ohio with a documentary that raises more questions than it answers as he and his friends uncover twisted conspiracies ‘mong the town folk. A fun romp, this found footage flick oozes with charm and instantly pulls me in with its cast of indie filmmakers whose screen chemistry is nothin’ less than entertainin’. Proof how a good story can triumph any visual shortcomin’s (whether it’s on purpose or not), this sucker’s well paced with a steady escalation of danger, made me genuinely laugh a few times, and manages to work more of a soundtrack in than yer average first person feature. Only sours worth bitchin’ ’bout is inaudible moments here and there due to music dronin’ out some conversations, and not gettin’ to see ‘nough of the special effects ’cause of that ridiculous glitch effect VHS inspired pictures love throwin’ in. Bridge sight seein’, underground cave systems, country singer role-playin’, man on the street interviewin’, cryptid cults, magic wands, mind manipulatin’, prego pods, rescue missions, contagious warts, Scooby-Doo unmaskin’s, slime trails, cryptid museums and gift shops, tongue lashin’s, kidnappin’s, and monstrous transformations! 4/5! 

LIFE OF BELLE (2024)

A police department publicly releases their edit of footage taken from a missin’ young’n’s camera and home security system in the hopes someone can help ’em figure out where she disappeared to after her supposedly deranged mama kills herself and the rest of the family. Feelin’ kinda like a Paranormal Activity knock-off that’s a step ‘bove Skinamarink, this found footage flick strives to deliver sweet suspense dependent on whether or not the mom’s really seein’ threatenin’ invisible forces or just plain crazy, but the filmmakers fail to insert ‘nough spook factors to make me think this is anythin’ else but a unmedicated woman losin’ her shit the whole time. Addin’ a concerned relative or family friend for more variety and exposition would have gone a long way to break up how repetitive the middle of the movie is, but at least it’s got a short runtime. Stranglin’, suicide, murderin’, screamin’ and whinin’ galore, awkward games of “Don’t Look!”, and just a blip of ghostly apparitions! 2/5!

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 (2024)

A couple ends up stranded at a remote cabin after their car breaks down and become horror’s most deservin’ victims as they refuse to call 911 ’til it’s too late when three masked strangers come a knockin’ with murderous intent. Set sometime ‘fore The Strangers: Prey at Night, this is an all new story with alotta callback to the same shenanigans the killers pulled in their first flick with Liv Tyler, but what sets this apart from its predecessors ain’t better scares or unforgettable kills — it’s that it features the DUMBEST last girl EVER committed to celluloid. Seriously. As soon as night falls and this gal’s alone at this unfamiliar cabin with the killers violently bangin’ on the door, she does everythin’ no one should do in a horror. Go outside askin’ who it is, play the piano, smoke a doobie, TAKE A SHOWER?!! Do scary movies not exist in this world? And even more ridiculous, she has a fully workin’ cell phone in her hand the whole time but never calls the cops ’til she’s runs to the far corners of the forest with poor signal. I can only hope she gets smarter in part two, and the Strangers do more than stand scary. Stabbin’s, axe murderin’, home invadin’, lullaby singin’, wacky tobacky smokin’, showers with no boobs, something bleedin’ from the ceilin’, car wreckin’, kidnappin’, rural corpses, and shotgun executions! 2/5!

THE STONE TAPE (1972)

Scientists are ready to work on some serious breakthroughs at their new facility but get hugely distracted by the supposed ghost of a hysterical woman in their basement they set out to prove is nothin’ more than a hauntin’ impression of someone’s trauma recorded in the surroundin’ stone work. Interestin’ concept but a snooze of an execution, the biggest thang this British TV flick is missin’ is an actual threat fer the bickerin’ eggheads to worry ’bout. The filmmakers try stirrin’ some trouble up when the scientists accidentally trigger psychic impressions in older stones with more ambiguous phantoms, but since they unanimously agree these are harmless replays from the past, I don’t know what anyone’s freakin’ out over. Watch this fer the supernatural investigatin’ theories but forget any hope of bein’ entertained. Doctors obsessed with creatin’ washin’ machines of the future, e.t. dress-up, shoutin’ fits, non-stop screamin’ from beyond the grave, fuzzy light shows, fatal falls down stairs, cold spot investigatin’, ghostly matrix printed messages, and larger than life megaphone action! 2/5! 

TAROT (2024)

While on vacation at a remote Airbnb, the mystic in a group of college students discovers one of a kind tarot cards she uses to tell everyone their horoscopes, but the deck once belonged to a vengeful witch so everybody soon finds themselves bein’ picked off by a never endin’ line-up of supernatural jump scarin’ spooks representin’ the different fates revealed in their readin’s. A fast paced cheese fest that reminds me of Final Destination meets Neon Maniacs, this is a solidly made gateway scare fer middle to high school students dippin’ their toes into the genre fer the first time with bare minimum blood spray, cutaway deaths, PG level sexuality, non-stop jump scares, and dialogue right outta young adult novel. Keepin’ that in mind, the only sours I’d knock this fer is the overload of information packed in the beginnin’ with seven different fortune tellin’s to keep track of ‘long with each monster’s powers (though the filmmakers help remind viewers what’s what with lotsa cheesy callback voiceover), not gettin’ to see ‘nough of the monsters in detail, and the crone with all the answers curiously not bein’ more aggressive to get her hands on the tarot cards after tellin’ the victims she’s spent the better part of her life huntin’ fer ’em. Subway chasin’, folks crushed by ladders, fellas splattered by trains, breakin’ and enterin’, witch hunts, throat slittin’ suicides, hangin’s, seances, devils, jesters, folks sawed in half, fatal magic tricks, ghost witches, and confusin’ geography with everythin’ bein’ three hours away! 3/5!

CURSED FRIENDS (2022)

After cluelessly playin’ a cursed predict-your-future game on Halloween, a gang of friends somehow reactivate the curse 20 years later and struggle to reverse their magically detoured fates as wrasslin’ werewolves, cult leaders, plumber mamas, and targets fer death. A horror comedy that’s more periodic chuckle than scary, the biggest sour I find with this TV flick is it not takin’ the curse to more ridiculous levels. Aside from the extreme of one friend turnin’ wolfish, I never feel anythin’s escalatin’ ‘nough to justify anyone’s freak out that their life is becomin’ a “nightmare” much less believe the game is suddenly alterin’ their destinies. Their problems seem pretty mild and even avoidable which might be the joke the filmmakers are goin’ fer, but it ain’t a very good one. Rather than everyone’s lives gradually turnin’ upside down, I’d go ahead and have the friends wake-up in the thick of their altered realities with ’em reunitin’ fer answers while all the different forces ‘gainst ’em converge. Way better movie in my opinion. Trick or treatin’, semi-modest pops of a Halloween atmosphere, baby sheep births, shovels to the head kills, pixelated cult orgies, toilet snake bites, poison suckin’, explosions, asylum visitin’, wrasslin’, supernatural glitter vomitin’, dance finales, costume parties, horny sandwich flirtin’, and twist endin’s with apps! 2/5! 

ABIGAIL (2024)

A gang of criminals fer hire kidnap a little ballerina girl fer a huge ransom, but as they babysit their payday in their boss’s remote mansion, they slowly figure out they’ve been dupped by a vindictive vampire wantin’ their blood. A rip roarin’ good time full of colorful characters runnin’ the gamut of backstabbin’ and perseverance, this is terrific filmmakin’ all ’round. The pacin’ never drags, the ensemble of on-screen talent perfectly gels with character driven scenes provin’ every bit as engagin’ as the outrageous moments of gore, and all too familiar bloodsucker mythoi are remixed ‘nough to feel like somethin’ new. The only sour I have with this blood drenched flick is how inconsistent everyone’s strength is. You got vamps capable of destroyin’ heavy duty metal structures but can’t get out from under 250 lb men pinnin’ ’em down, and regular folks keep bouncin’ back into action like Bruce Lee even after bein’ knocked ’round like they’ve been hit by a speedin’ semi truck. In a movie where the amount of human ketchup far exceeds any realistic measurement within the human body, this is what really took me out of the story. Decapitatin’, neck bitin’ and rippin’, breakin’ and enterin’, kidnappin’, blood vomitin’, explodin’ vamps, trap houses, basements full o’ corpses, impaled legs and shoulders, vamp on vamp violence, mind controllin’, monstrous transformations, stabbin’s galore, knock-out injections, explodin’ hands, cage escapes, and macabre dance numbers with stiffs! 4/5! 

SIMULANT (2023)

In a future where androids are as common as dish washers, a wife regrets all the philosophical baggage that comes with resurrecting her dead husband’s memories in a lifelike simulant, and their story somewhat parallels a scientist’s mission to liberate all machines from their coded bonds to service mankind. Slow and borin’ with two stories that never come together the way I hope, this modestly made sci-fi snooze offers some interestin’ explorations into the differences ‘tween memories and a soul and has a blip of action here and there, but just makes me wanna watch films that did this stuff waaaay better. Do yerself a favor and just watch Blade Runner or even I, Robot for the hundredth time. Chest compartments, ear nobs, love bots, drownin’s, rogue bot hunters, and car wreckin’! 2/5! 

BAGHEAD (2023)

When a strugglin’ artist inherits a historic pub from her recently deceased pop, she learns it comes with a dangerous witch stuck in the basement and thinks she has what it takes to exploit the hag’s power and charge folks to use her as a vessel fer the dead to yammer through. Even with this bein’ a well made flick featurin’ a good cast and top shelf effects, it unfortunately falls short of greatness thanks to the witch’s messy rules. I mean, the power play ‘tween the girl and the witch is a little all over the place when I thought it was established the girl had most the control as the pub’s new owner, and if everyone knows the witch quadruples in danger after two minutes as a phone line to the dead, then why don’t they only use her fer one and a half minutes or at least stand right behind her with the bag ready in hand to stop her? Combine that with the clunky involvement of their one customer whose twist at the end falls pretty damn flat, this flick ends up bein’ an interestin’ premise with one helluva sloppy execution. Cell phone eatin’, ring eatin’, haunted hidey holes, human matchsticks, ghost realtors, pub spooks, supernatural escapes, fatal free fallin’, roofies, centuries ol’ backstories, ceilin’ crawlin’, video tape wills, breakin’ and enterin’, and possessive lovers! 3/5!  

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL (2023)

It’s Halloween 1977, and Jack Delroy risks it all to rocket his late night talk show to number one in the rating’s with a spooky live show starrin’ questionable mediums, pretentious spook knockin’ magicians, and a teenage cult survivor whose claims of a demon livin’ inside her eventually prove too much for TV audiences’ nerves. A terrifically produced faux documentary capturin’ the vibe of the bell bottom era, this period piece engages me from beginnin’ to end with its character driven momentum, steady escalation of forebodin’ danger, and David Dastmalchian’s magnetic performance as the endearin’ host of Night Owls, showin’ he’s capable of way more than all ’em supportin’ in-and-out roles folks best know him fer. The only sour bringin’ this chilled horror down is its head scratchin’ endin’, ’cause it trips all over itself to deliver a twist that’s more confusin’ than clever, leavin’ a bitter aftertaste after such an enjoyable time. Cancer triggers, hypnosis galore, stabbin’s with devil knives, possessions, head splittin’, reality playbacks, floatin’ teens, psychic overloads, goo vomitin’, electrical powers, throat slittin’, telekinetic stranglin’, head twistin’, full body meltdowns, folks explodin’ with worms, squirmy monsters, dark rituals and sacrifices, owl cults of the rich and powerful, blood drinkin’, and mercy killin’s! 4/5! 

GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE (2024)

After seein’ the dentist, Kong goes on his own Temple of Doom adventure in Hollow Earth and discovers he needs to wake Godzilla up from his nap and convince the walkin’ disaster to help him stop a tyrant ape from bringin’ the second ice age with a blizzard breathin’ kaiju he’s enslaved. Everythin’ I could want in a monster mashin’ flick, this is two hours of CG beasts hootin’ ‘n hollerin’ at each other with only the most necessary scenes dedicated to human drama to push the story forward every now and ‘gain. Everyone gets toyetic upgrades from new color schemes to mechanical accessories, there’s non-stop beast brawlin’ eye candy from start to finish ‘cross a handful of countries and fantasy landscapes, lotta world buildin’, and fun supportin’ human characters caught in the middle of it all. Some Godzilla fans might not like how the king of monsters takes a backseat to Kong as the flick’s leadin’ titan in search of family, but they’ll surely enjoy seein’ the apex primate whoop his enemies with a baby ape as a weapon! Explodin’ insect kaijus, Rome stompin’, Artic water fightin’ with underwater kaiju, Cairo stompin’, monster dog rippin’, blood bathin’, corpse stealin’, lake monster bashin’, pterodactyl eels, heavy duty tooth yankin’, possessed young’ns, Skull Island cousin tribes, Mothra cameos, Rio de Janeiro stompin’, world hoppin’ portals, pyramid smashin’, atomic breath blastin’, energy soakin’, tree-like carnivores, people eatin’, bridge smashin’, buildin’ destroyin’, zero gravity brawlin’, enslavin’, ax fightin’, whip fightin’, lava executions, telepathy, and fast freeze fatalities! 4/5! 

MAD LOVE aka HANDS OF ORLAC (1935)

When an actress’s piano playin’ hubby Orlac gets his hands smashed in a train accident, she runs to her most obsessive fan, Dr. Gogol, and begs him to save his career. Givin’ Orlac the hands of a recently executed knife throwin’ murderer, Gogol exploits the pianist’s believe he’s fallin’ under the influence of the hands’ killer instinct and frames him for a murder in hopes of stealin’ his wife from him. A Peter Lorre classic, this twisted flick is best ‘membered fer its imagery of the supposed knife thrower sportin’ artificial hands and a neck brace from Gogol re-attachin’ his brain basket after losin’ it to a guillotine. As excited as I was thinkin’ this was an early version of Body Parts (1991) with a resurrected killer reclaimin’ his appendages, this turns out to be Gogol posin’ as the knife thrower fer a single scene to trick Orlac into believin’ he was really committin’ unconscious murders. Kind of a waste fer what coulda been one helluva flick if the filmmakers had gone the Body Parts route, it’s still a stylish quick paced movie with an interestin’ plot, though a bit scattered with it’s story’s point of view. Train wrecks, transplant surgeries, pen throwin’, knife throwin’, knives in backs, off screen beheadin’s, wax dummy obsessions, drunken housemaids, and snoopy reporters! 3/5!  

LISA FRANKENSTEIN (2024)

A corpse is resurrected from a 19th century graveyard in 1989 under bizarre circumstances, and he stumbles into an introvert teen’s life that sparks both a romance and a body count, as he murders her problems away with gratitude paid in new body parts he’s missin’. Hopeless romantic horror burstin’ with style, this ain’t exactly a Frankenstein flick in the traditional sense with anyone creatin’ life with instant regret, but a quirky fun time with a unique mix of sweets and sours that puts it in a league of its own. Full of distinguishable characters, funny dialogue, fairy tale sets right outta Edward Scissorhands, stereotypes turned on their heads, and nonsense logic like a faulty tannin’ bed that’s whatever the plot needs it to be, this is everythin’ I wished My Boyfriend’s Back could have been and more. The most impressive part, however, is how well Kathryn Newton carries the movie as Lisa Swallows, finally provin’ to me she’s capable of bein’ much more than ‘nother competent actor. Diaper smellin’ tears, worm food, head knockin’, flyin’ axes to the back, hand choppin’, ear severin’, dick choppin’, home invadin’ serial killer backstories, life and death tannin’ beds, inferno suicides, music-video detours, piano diddies, kind-sorta-maybe necrophilia, body transplantin’, murder cover-ups, attempted rape, spiked party drinks, and evil stepmothers with good stepsisters! 4/5!

SATANIC HISPANICS (2022)

Cops capture a self proclaimed immortal at a massacre and listen to him spin four outrageous latin horror stories durin’ his interrogation ’bout OCD ghost summoners, vampire lovers, supernatural punishments, and demons whose greatest weakness are dong swords. A more or less decent anthology, the sweets of this sucker are saved fer the very end with humorous demon huntin’ action in “The Hammer of Zanzibar” and the monstrous shoot ’em up conclusion to the wrap-around story, “The Traveler.” Featurin’ top shelf filmmakin’ packed with special effect creatures and fully realized plots, both of these easily overshadow the other shorts, which are respectfully made, but lack either a satisfyin’ endin’ or the finesse needed to be more memorable. Shotgun shootin’, machine gun blastin’, mystical arm cannons, sun fried bloodsuckers, mind controllin’ massacres, blow-apart transformations, arm and head rippin’, neck bitin’, witches, kidnappin’, mangled ghosts, Rubik’s cube spook summonin’, hand choppin’, and possessin’! 3/5!  

GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE (2024)

The Ghostbusters are back in business with the Spengler family catchin’ spooks in New York now, and when Ray and other folks dragged ‘long from Ghostbusters: Afterlife come in possession of an ancient ghost trap with a powerful ice deity inside, they and a buncha other paranormal eliminators on Winston’s payroll have to save the Big Apple from a haunted ice age for all of 15 minutes. Finally acceptin’ no one will ever repeat the comedic genius of the first movie after two so-so sequels and a miserable remake, I’m thrilled this mildly humorous installment at least manages alotta flawed fun in the vein of a Real Ghostbusters episode. There’s still some nostalgic recyclin’ from previous flicks unfortunately, but this entry boldly expands the Ghostbusters mythos with sweet new locations, characters, and upgraded tech while borderline teasin’ the ethics of supernatural policin’, which I’ve always found interestin’. As for the handful of sours, the biggest one I can’t forgive is savin’ the big bad and his frozen empire antics ’til the end of the movie when that shoulda been a development at the halfway point. Overall, Frozen Empire is more original than Afterlife, easier to swallow than Answer the Call, and a happier follow-up to the original. Flyin’ ghost dragons, RC ghost traps, drone ghost traps, soul separatin’ ghost traps, pseudo science to the max, out of body friendships, possessin’ galore, ghosts eatin’ ghosts, ecto vomitin’, numerous mistakin’ death cutaways, library ghosts, ecto motorcycles, haunted sky beams, explodin’ windows and buildin’s, freezin’ proton streams, proton knuckles, Slimer huntin’, insta-freeze deaths, ghost controllin’, spectral chess playin’, and pyrokinetics! 4/5! 

YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME (2023)

A mysterious woman begs a stranger fer shelter from a ragin’ storm in the middle of the night and viewers spend the rest of the movie callin’ bullshit on which one of ’em is really a psycho killer or not. Imagine stretchin’ the final scene of 1980’s Maniac into a full feature, and you get this slow burn of black box theatrics. While barely anythin’ happens, I’m amazed at how this sucker keeps a firm grip on my attention thanks to top shelf cinematography and Oscar worthy sound design. Terrifically made, just not remarkable ‘nough to be memorable. Poisonin’, ghosts of victims past, ding-dong ditchin’ antics, and kidnappin’! 3/5!

IMAGINARY (2024)

A children’s author moves her step family into her childhood home and rediscovers an imaginary friend who’s none too happy she abandoned him decades ago and lookin’ fer fresh creativity to feast on in his make-believe dimension. Best summed up as a family friendly horror version of Drop Dead Fred that watches like an episode of The Real Ghostbusters, this flick is top shelf production through and through, but not without some sours in the story department. Aside from one endin’ too many and all the missed opportunities fer a body count with extra characters poppin’ in fer what ‘mounted to nothin’ but time fillin’ jump scares, I think the threat of Chauncey the imaginary stuffed bear leaves a lot to be desired. While there’s always the possibility of deception, the movie doesn’t make his need fer a symbiotic relationship with young’ns sound that terrible much less fatal. The worse thang he wants to do is kidnap brats from their families, then it’s sunshine and rainbows after that with him givin’ ’em anythin’ they want (supposedly with no strings attached) in a world where no one ages. All I’m sayin’ is with only one kill the whole flick, there’s lots of room fer improvin’ him as a life threatenin’ demonoid. Picture book parallels, psychiatric sessions, stealin’, interdimensional doorways, allergy pill trippin’, manic mama ambushes, unnecessary hand stabbin’ with scissors, off camera maulin’s, shoehorned exposition dumps, spider monsters, deranged daddy dramas, and mind warpin’ stares! 4/5!

DESERT SHADOWS (2022)

A hobo lookin’ fella teams with a college hottie to look fer his missin’ brother in a desert rumored fer its monster sightin’s, and they quickly find ’emselves caught up in a government conspiracy of body horror. While this indie flick gets points fer its filmmakers’ valiant effort to produce a monster movie with emotion, it falls short of tolerable rainy day entertainment thanks to a handful of ass draggin’ scenes, unnecessary flashbacks, and a leadin’ man whose stony performance leaves me anythin’ but engaged. The monster make-up and special effects are respectable ‘nough to check out, but Mitch Pileggi playin’ a shady professor is the real reason to give this sucker a watch with him laughably actin’ circles ’round everyone else. The only other actor strong ‘nough to keep up with him is Emily Sweet as the academic sidekick, makin’ me an instant fan with her electric screen presence. CG booger beasts, slopped make-up, shoot ’em ups, monstrous transformations, infected wounds, skinny dippin’ with boobs, monsters with boobs, brother on brother violence, cocooned humans, wake-up calls with full frontal, and folks fatally impaled with severed hands! 2/5! 

DIE’CED (2023)

A resident psycho killer’s accidentally released from his loony bin on Halloween, kills a fella fer his scarecrow costume, then stalks a teeny bopper whose absent mama was his obsession years earlier. All dressed up with nothin’ new to tell, this hour long holiday horror boasts pretty camerawork with decent high school splatter effects, but leaves a lot to be desired in the story department with unnatural soundin’ dialogue and non-sensible plot threads. It watches like a filmmakin’ exercise in imitation with scenes and elements obviously lifted from Halloween and the Terrifier flicks, but without the know-how fer creatin’ anythin’ suspenseful, much less scary, through carefully planned shots and edits. Home invadin’, stalkin’, hammerin’ limbs to wood floors, disembowelin’, hand severin’, kidnappin’, crazy house cover-ups, stabbins, throat slashin’, alley brawlin’, daddy drama, and head bashin’! 2/5! 

RED PLANET (2000)

A gang of scientists run into one disastrous hiccup after ‘nother after rocketin’ to Mars to see what’s interruptin’ Earth’s efforts to terraform its neighborin’ planet with oxygen generatin’ algae and find themselves fightin’ fer survival ‘gainst alien weather, CG critters, each other, and their pissed off mappin’ bot named Amee. Top shelf production with piss poor storytellin’, this flick’s underlyin’ plot holds me with the crews’ mission to identify the problem impedin’ man’s exodus to Mars but maintains an uneven tension throughout the movie with the filmmakers’ refusal to escalate the dangers cohesively. Worse than Amee’s sporadic attacks and the almost anti-climatic Martian encounter at the end, every character’s written so flat, my only reason for gettin’ attached to any of ’em is simply ’cause of the actors playin’ ’em. Solar flares, zero gravity fires, crash landin’ balloons, spleen rupturin’, philosophical talkin’, fatal freefalls from cliffs, blizzards, rib breakin’, bodily infestations, explosions, hunt happy robots, interplanetary escapin’, and side boob in the showers! 2/5!

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY (2008)

As sweet Molly’s 18th birthday draws near, things get hella-traumatic fer the poor gal thanks to her mama and classmates suddenly wantin’ her dead ‘fore she can fulfill some satanic prophecy she was promised to at birth. An overall solid flick that watches like an idiot box feature, this conspiracy horror keeps my interest with a convincin’ cast and top shelf camera work and edits, but fails to exploit some crucial story details Molly should have been all ’bout. SPOILERS: I’m totally on board with Molly runnin’ from the God folk actually tryin’ to kill her, but as a non-religious person, why is she automatically ‘gainst the devil worshippers without knowin’ any details of their prophecy planned fer her? I mean, a better movie would up the suspense with her fightin’ fer her life with ’em wantin’ to sacrifice her fer their own gain, but when it’s revealed they just want her to join their club and share in endless fortunes and opportunities with no mention of strings attached, kinda sucks the tension outta the movie while oddly promotin’ the perks of servin’ the Father of Lies. House parties, cat fightin’, panic attacks, fatal freefallin’, stabbin’s, near fatal baptisms, head knockin’ deaths, car wreckin’, tumor removals, disembodied voices, arm breakin’, devil dealin’, loony bin drop-offs, and failed heart stabbin’ suicides! 3/5! 

THE EXORCISM OF MOLLY HARTLEY (2015)

Guess Molly’s acceptance into the devil’s clubhouse did come with strings, and she’s now possessed by demonic forces that will use her as a vessel fer birthin’ the Anti-Christ in an asylum ‘less a disgraced priest exorcises her prophesized evil into a holy ice bucket. The sequel no one asked fer, this ain’t even so much ’bout Molly as it is her priest, ’cause she’s reduced to a mere plot device fer him to develop an entire redemption arc off of with the same ol’ tired exorcist routines audiences have seen repeated since the ’70s. Despite the lukewarm story tellin’, however, the movie has its cinematic nuggets here and there with the camerawork, a cohesive story, and the filmmakers really wrangled in some top shelf actors who give their best to elevate this subgenre of horror that’s long overdue fer a fresh take. Pea soup vomitin’, threesome massacres with boobs, rub-a-dub deaths, possessin’, demonic make-ups that remind me of Jim Carrey in The Mask, prego possessions, triple fatal freefalls, loony bin admittance, mind controlled minions, satanic rituals, evil priests, and demonic bugs galore that really confuse the whole 18 year ol’ deal makin’ prophecy thang! 3/5!

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955)

Curious scientists fish with dynamite and drag the Gill Man outta the Amazon to a water park where he’s chained and studied like a humiliated sideshow attraction ’til he’s finally had ‘nough and escapes with the hots fer the latest gal to pay him any attention. Flippin’ the script with the Creature bein’ at a disadvantage in man’s domain is clever, but this sorry sequel just don’t have the same magic that makes The Creature From the Black Lagoon so special. Rather than an exotic adventure full of danger and hauntingly beautiful underwater footage, this is a miserably flat tale with a pretty innocent monster bein’ enslaved and beaten like a dog fer the mere interest of a buncha wince worthy lab coats displayin’ some terribly outdated attitudes toward women. A slightly bigger sour I can’t ignore, however, is understandin’ how the Gill Man is strong ‘nough to a flip car, yet he wrassles folks underwater like a ragdoll? Dog killin’, monster fishin’, underwater fightin’, face clawin’, party crashin’, kidnappin’, monster firin’ squads, cattle proddin’, prison breaks, and a quick cameo by Clint Eastwood lookin’ fer lab animals! 3/5!  

THE GRACEFIELD INCIDENT (2017)

A videophile shoves a camera in his fake eye and takes his friends on a birthday trip to Big Foot country where he can’t put two and two together when CG e.t.s come after ’em after he calls dibs on a fallen meteorite he snatches fer a souvenir. A found footage flick through questionable 24/7 POV surveillance (I mean, how is this little camera powered and where’s it storin’ all that footage?) this is an overall solid flick the whole family can enjoy. It boasts a convincin’ cast and sufficient ‘nough special effects. but once the toons from space show up, the story turns from character driven suspense to an endless Scooby-Doo chase that don’t stop ’til the somewhat surprise endin’ which raises its own questions. SPOILERS: How ‘xactly does a baby end up jettisoned through space and crash land on an alien planet? Car wreckin’, leg yankin’, clothes strippin’, baby daddy fears, space baby pods, ‘lotta bright lights, balloon scares, corn field chasin’, spaceships, crop circles, and abductin’! 3/5! 

THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER (2023)

When a teeny bopper tries contactin’ her dead mama’s spirits with a half ass séance, she and her friend open ’emselves up to demonic possession their families will need multiple faiths to exorcise. Given the loose continuity of the Exorcist series, this is an all right entry overall, but nothin’ special. The filmmakers take considerable care providin’ the story with an emotional center in their lead parent who’s havin’ to rethink his disillusionment with religion in order to combat evil with the combined effort of differin’ faiths (which is an interestin’ twist to the usual “God compels you!” strategy), but it all feels kinda rushed and like more flash than substance as wrong as that feels to say. Maybe ’cause it seems there’s so little weight to the stakes, I’m totally indifferent to anyone’s fate, but that could also be ’cause some things don’t make sense like when everyone believes the possessed girls’ claim only one of ’em can be saved durin’ the exorcism. Okay — and why are God’s champions listenin’ to creatures infamously known for their lies? Only thing more bafflin’ is why the “possession expert”, Regan’s mom from the first flick, is dumb ‘nough to get up in the face of an armed and unrestrained victim of possession. Guess she didn’t cover that in her tell-all demon-daughter book! Homeless round-up, surprise head twistin’, rape kit testin’, sick horses, eye gougin’ with crosses, earthquake mayhem, holy water throwin’, voodoo magic, evil smoke hoodoo, improper use of juice and crackers, masterbatin’ in church, young’ns yanked to hell, and quickie cameo by Linda Blaire! 3/5!  

VIRTUOSITY (1995)

Built to simulate history’s worst serial killers in one package, Sid 6.7 is VR’s most dangerous trainin’ program, and when he escapes virtual reality in an android body with the ability to repair any injury with glass, an ex-cop is yanked outta prison to hunt him down fer a full pardon. Do yerself a favor and watch this sci-fightin’ action flick today, Scream Freaks! Packed with escalatin’ action, CG effects that hold up, and one of Russell Crowe’s best performances of his career as the ego-maniacal Sid 6.7, this sucker is a non-stop thrill ride and a half with few if any sours to speak of. The only thing I wish the filmmakers developed more is the cop’s bionic arm which I think is pretty downplayed and used in some pretty ridiculous ways. I mean, I ain’t no computer scientist, but I don’t think random plastic tubes yanked outta prosthetic limbs can loop video feeds. Suspense of disbelief at its best! Simulated electrocution deaths, VR foot chases, prison brawlin’, explosions, target practice with hostages, neck lickin’, finger severin’, synthoid snakes cut in half, silicon regeneratin’, ‘lotta firefightin’, hostile night club takeovers, screamin’ symphonies, neck snappin’, explodin’ hands, windshield eatin’, cartoony freefallin’, glass shatterin’ plummets, impalin’ with glass, ‘lotta Russell Crowe’s butt, bullets to the brain basket, suit stealin’, kidnappin’, booby trap bombs, head smashin’, VR bimbos in bikinis, toxin tracker capsules, and TV takeovers! 5/5!  

THE RUNESTONE (1991)

A Norse wooly booger named Fenrir escapes a runestone prison by possessin’ a love sick architect and is prophesized to bring ’bout Ragnarok but wastes all his time killin’ an endless line-up o’ randos ’til the cops launch an all out attack on him with the help of an immortal clock makin’ warrior. An action packed creature feature with a budget, this little known gem gets in its own way with an overabundance of myths and key characters overcomplicatin’ what should be a straight forward monster movie, but there’s ‘nough semi-gory mayhem goin’ on to make me forgive most of it. Like it baffles me how the architect accepts this unholy union to get this other guy’s wife he’s got the hots fer, but barely makes her a priority. Thanks to Fenrir’s meanderin’ murder spree, however, we’re introduced to one of horror’s most entertainin’ hero cops ever committed to celluloid, Capt. Fanducci, and his foul mouth humor makes me happily ignore any such plot holes. Coal minin’ discoveries, art exhibit massacres, cave-ins, cop killin’ galore, interdimensional fightin’, axe fightin’, milky bloodshed, shocked raccoon footage, random clown extras, wall bustin’, love triangles, stranglin’, dead dogs, secret mural armory, rooftop chasin’, artist throwin’, human snackin’, piss poor disguises, and axes through the chest! 4/5!

EVIL LAUGH (1986)

A med student suckers his horn dog college buddies into helpin’ him re-open an orphanage where adults and young’ns were massacred forever ago, and the psycho responsible is itchin’ to strike ‘gain. A run o’ the mill slasher that copycats Friday the 13th more than it tries bein’ its own thang, this flick is borderline so-bad-its-good with numerous cheesy songs and semi-outlandish kills like nukin’ a guy in an open microwave but far from anythin’ engagin’ with nudity bein’ the biggest attention getter on screen. Best scene fer me is the mysterious extra hand caressin’ the hot ‘n heavy couple through the mattress. Bogus scare or not, that’s damn creepy!! Golden showers, ‘lotta skin, men’s asses, boobs ‘tween the sheets, meta-horror fan humor, dick stabbin’s, prankin’ gone fatal, Fangoria mags, off camera driller killers, throat slittin’, BDSM ‘tween the sheets, mama drama, mysterious unnervin’ voices, forceful husbands, and some of the most ridiculous dance cleanin’ montages ever committed to celluloid! 2/5! 

GRAVE SECRETS: THE LEGACY OF HILLTOP DRIVE (1992)

When a family’s brand spankin’ new home is plagued with self flushin’ toilets and automatic garage doors on the fritz, they learn it might be ’cause their end of the neighborhood was built over an African American graveyard and make it their mission to get their money back or dig the annoyin’ ghosts’ bodies up ’emselves. Based on a true story (fer what that’s worth), this idiot box flick ain’t half bad, but definitely a far cry from anythin’ as excitin’ as Poltergeist with tension that barely escalates. The scares are pretty tame from eerie shadows to mysterious goo drippin’ from the ceilin’, but I never feel like the family’s in any real danger ’til they start antagonizing the spirits who strike back in the weirdest ways. Instead of attackin’ the homeowners out to exorcise ’em, the booga-boos go all out on their adult daughter who doesn’t even live with ’em, givin’ her cancer and other life threatenin’ illnesses. Huh?! Ghost story barbeques, spiritually infused trees, ghost huntin’ rods, fever dreams, paranormal chills, possessed toilets, exhumed graves, ‘lotta lawyer talk, angry fowls, runaway cats, and baby endangerment that goes nowhere! 3/5!  

WE FOUND SOMETHING (2022)

A brother and sister stumble ‘cross a skittish man-sized critter while climbin’ some remote hills and risk followin’ the beast’s trail of feral attacks to document its existence. A found footage creature feature with a charmin’ rat monster who looks like he’s on a smoke break from a stint in Cats, this flick successfully delivers an emotionally driven story with convincin’ actors as its star siblings, but at a wonky pace that constantly undermines the tension. Like when our heroes book it home as soon as they spot the monster, just to return the very next scene. Or suddenly interruptin’ the film to fill the runtime with a separate victim’s ENTIRE campin’ trip to just show two seconds of ’em bein’ randomly attacked. Only thing more noteworthy than the actors strugglin’ to ad lib their scenes the first half the movie (with incestuous remarks bein’ their go-to), is the shocker of a sweet twist endin’ that had me applaudin’ the filmmakers fer pullin’ a fast one on me I couldn’t get ‘nough of! Rock climbin’, disemboweled campers, throat rippin’, and ankle bitin’! 3/5! 

DRAINIAC (2000)

One of cinema’s shittiest dads dumps his teeny boppin’ daughter off in the boonies to clean a hopelessly run-down house for him to flip, but a mucky water demon/elemental/whatever rises from the drains and makes an even bigger mess of her and folks stoppin’ by to help. Havin’ watched the revised 2007 version of this flick, Drainiac has the homemade feel and budget of a Z grade horror film, but all the ambition of a B movie thanks to the filmmakers makin’ the most with what they have with a showcase of practical special effects and a script that does its best to keep things interestin’. There’s alotta drag on the front end with laughable bad actin’ interrupted by blips of the demon attackin’ (whose backstory and motivations never really comes together), but if you hang in there ’til the rando exorcist pops in to rile up a special effects floor show of monstrous puppets, silly make-up effects, and stop-motion critters endin’ in spectacular Poltergeist fashion, you’ll be thankful ya did. Of all the special effects the filmmakers manage to pull off, however, the one I’m most flabbergasted by is a car sinkin’ into the ground. How the hell they do that?! Plumbin’ goop with fangs, head to toe meltdowns, rub-a-dub nightmares with nip slips, ghost moms to the rescue, pentagram powwows, face peelin’, skull spiders, walls of howlin’ faces, inside-out houses, face meltin’, car radiator ambushin’, attempted rape, Scooby-Doo jump scarin’, explodin’ human water balloons, spell books, dick rippin’, supernatural tendrils galore, and séance exorcisms! 3/5!

AMITYVILLE HORROR: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)

The infamous Amityville Horror house holds a yard sale and the evil force within possesses a fugly lamp that’s shipped to an unsuspectin’ family in California who encounters one electrical mishap after ‘nother ’til a priest shows up on their doorstep to exorcise the ghost in the machine once and for all. A made fer TV movie that’s every bit as good as any of ’em Amityville flicks from 1979-2005, this fourth installment brilliantly comes up with a way to keep the series goin’ without retreadin’ the same ol’ haunted house antics in the real life inspired murder attraction. A sweet balance of cheesy effects against serious family drama with blips of genuine eeriness, the only sour I’d knock this idiot box entertainment fer is its light hearted approach to horror with persistently well lit scenes and overall mild tension. Possessed chainsaws, hands in garbage disposals, folks crushed and drowned in sewage with body parts, prop birds in toaster ovens, flies galore, armies of priests, demonic faced lamps, supernatural stranglin’ with power cords, bedroom wreckin’, evil brainwashin’, fatal supernatural infections, possessed kitties, dead daddy ruses, and meltin’ landline phones! 4/5!   

AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION (1993)

The evil of the Amityville Horror is in a fugly mirror now, and when it’s passed off on an urban photographer, he and his apartment buildin’ full o’ artist friends fall under its destructive influence while findin’ out he’s actually got family history with the cursed lookin’ glass. A solid seventh installment ‘mong the first good run of Amityville Horror flicks (1979-2005 in my opinion), this entertainin’ flick continues the cursed object idea started in Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes and trades the family centered story these movies are best known fer fer more of a Melrose Place kinda stable of victims. Not to say there ain’t a family dynamic, mind ya, which is where this film’s continuity with the other Amityville movies comes into question. This sucker claims the photographer’s the son of a guy who went nuts and killed his whole family with a shotgun at the Amityville house well ‘fore DeFeo nixed his in ’74. As if that’s not confusin’ ‘nough why that murder wouldn’t be as (if not more) popular as DeFeo’s, we’re then to believe this wacko had a kid with some woman while locked up in the loony bin? And that kid’s the photographer, who miraculously managed to block out his pop stranglin’ his momma in front of him durin’ a visit to the madhouse? Only thang more ridiculous is the flashbacks showin’ the starrin’ prop of a demon decorated mirror hangin’ in an otherwise mundane homestead. Regardless of the filmmakers shootin’ themselves in the foot with this needless backstory, the movie still offers effective kills, an engagin’ gang of characters, and some sweet interpretations of the Amityville evil I still hold ‘bove the rest. Possessed face cuttin’ and hangin’s, dancin’ paintin’s, bum burials, nut house visits, out of body flashbacks, electrocutions, self televised shotgun art, limbo loony bins, shadow demons, explodin’ mirrors, and photos that keep comin’ out corpses! 4/5! 

SUITABLE FLESH (2023)

A prestigious psychiatrist finds herself entangled in the shenanigans of a body hoppin’ entity when it’s latest flesh suit comes to her fer help, and it decides it wants her fer its next Freaky Friday victim after seein’ how sexually gratifyin’ it is to be a woman. Based on Lovecraft’s “The Thing on the Doorstep” and made by some of the key talents responsible fer flicks like Re-Animator and From Beyond, I really had my hopes up fer this bein’ a return to that same kinda bizarre raunchy fun, but sadly — it ain’t. While there’s considerable talent on screen and behind the scenes, the overall script leaves a lot to be desired. The action is excruciatingly repetitive and keeps pinballin’ ‘mong the same tired sets ‘gain and ‘gain, characters express the most unconvincin’ reactions to things (which could be written off as ’em bein’ under supernatural influences I guess), and the whole body swappin’ thang gets old fast with the evil havin’ to do it three times per person to make it stick, resultin’ in nearly ten sequences of the same annoyingly long noisy transformation that should have been sped up every subsequent time it occurs. Speakin’ of the rules fer switchin’ bods, the filmmakers really seem to throw it all out the window at the end. After showin’ folks actually havin’ to hear the evil speak some magic mumbo to do the swap the whole movie, the final swap at the end happens with it simply whisperin’ the words, its intended victim more than out of ear shot. Makes fer a whole different movie if it could have just taken her body anytime, anywhere, no matter what, right?! Decapitatin’, soul switchin’ galore, four bangin’ scenes with Heather Graham (one with nip slips), near fatal freefalls, stabbin’s galore, human road kill, bullets to the brain basket and chest, impaled heads, scalpels to the chest, chokin’, home infernos, and occult graffiti! 2/5! 

SHREDDER (2001)

A car full o’ rowdy snowboarders party it up at an abandoned ski resort one of their parents is in the middle of buyin’, but good times turn killer when an extreme sports hatin’ skier in a mask wants to hack ’em up fer disobeyin’ the resort’s ol’ safety guidelines. A cheap but charmin’ slasher, this sucker may not have all the bells and whistles of a top shelf production, but it’s obvious that’s what the filmmakers were strivin’ fer with a thoughtfully competent psycho killer script full of red herrings, a soundtrack worthy of a Roger Corman flick, and a distinctive ensemble of yahoos meetin’ pretty gory ends. My favorite scene I won’t be forgettin’ anytime soon is when the killer’s tearin’ down a door with a fire poker to get to a girl hidin’ in a closet full o’ bodies, and one of the stiff’s decapitated heads accidentally gets skewered on the poker and flies back ‘n forth in the screamin’ gal’s face like a ridiculous 3D gag! Flirty snow bunnies, boobs, hot tub bangin’, near decapitation while skiin’, full decapitations while snowmobilin’, blank shotgun shootin’, chest stabbin’ with icicles, corpsicles, snowplow death traps, mince meat deaths, leg choppin’, eye stabbin’ through home video lenses, a single Christmas decoration, folks beaten to death with shovels, wound sewin’, and a laugh out loud sequence of a girl clumsy ‘nough to accidentally hang herself by her scarf on the chair lifts and become a runnin’ gag of a prop in the background! 4/5! 

CALAMITY OF SNAKES (1983)

When a snake pit is flippantly obliterated to make way fer a new apartment buildin’, the slithery serpents strike back by the poisonous truckloads with all out attacks on crews and residents. Nature-gone-bad from Hong Kong ya have to see to disbelieve, this flick is all out bonkers with ‘nough snake action to make anyone’s skin crawl! There’s ‘nough real and fake snakes to fill elevators, cover cars, litter entire lobby floors — hell, they’re even bein’ yanked outta folks’ mouths in some scenes! The highlights, however, have to be the two scenes usin’ a laughably giant snake puppet. The first is an unbelievable kung-phooey scene ‘tween it and a snake exterminator who’s smacked ’round like a bitch ‘fore hangin’ the sucker like an outlaw, and the final scene featurin’ a small army of flamethrowin’ yahoos gettin’ destroyed by a second big ass snake catapultin’ itself everywhere like a lethal spring of death. But while these fantasy fight sequences are a sweet sight to behold, the film has unforgivable sours of non-stop animal cruelty with live snakes bein’ crushed, burned, eaten, and sliced in alotta cringe worthy scenes. Watch if you dare, but the puppet snake scenes can be found by themselves on YouTube. Snake killin’ galore, snake beheadin’, snake bites galore, folks covered in snakes head to toe, snake stompin’, charbroiled snakes, snake smashin’ with construction vehicles, piggy girlfriends, sword fightin’, human matchsticks, call girl hook-ups gone wrong, snake whisperers, avalanches of snakes, sea of snakes, snakes galore . . . there’s alotta snakes, alright?! 3/5! 

THE BELIEVERS (1987)

A police psychologist gets wrangled into one helluva conspiracy when a string of gruesome child murders leads to a VIP club of voodoo worshipers wantin’ his own young’n fer their next sacrifice. A grippin’ supernatural thriller on par with The Serpent and the Rainbow, Martin Sheen keeps me glued to the screen from beginnin’ to end as the frustrated hero with shaken beliefs, desperately tryin’ to protect his loved ones from unfathomable forces at the disposal of upper crust socialites. While the movie relies heavily on the power of suggested images fer it’s shock value by skirtin’ gory scenes, the filmmakers do go all out with an unforgettable sequence when spiders escape a popped boil on a poor gal’s face! Real pre-CGI arachnids, mind ya! As fer any sours worth mentionin’, I do find the twist endin’ bafflin’. SPOILERS: It seems every cult member chose to be part of the voodoo club and willingly gave up their young’ns fer a piece of the good life. Fer some silly reason, they think Martin’s son is chosen fer sacrifice ’cause he randomly picks up a gnarly trinket, and Martin has to be forced into the same fortunes bestowed ’em. Huh? To make things even more convoluted fer Martin, his wife’s parents have been part of the cult fer decades and have no problem guttin’ the grand young’n fer their son-in-law’s benefit. Real coincidental how all these things line up fer a fella who stumbles into this mess of rituals and curses without any manipulation behind the scenes, ya know? I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense fer the cult to just wanna kill his brat fer their own needs, like maybe sacrificin’ him fer the initiation of new members who didn’t have their own rugrat to offer? Bellies full of snakes, bullet eatin’ suicides, stuck spells, magic lawyers, flash papers, defective coffee maker electrocutions, faces full o’ spiders, sacrifice rituals, gutted corpses, splayed chickens, fatal freefall impalin’, religious nannies, blowpipe darts, Jedi mind tricks, blindin’ fireball defenses, stabbin’s, and dead animal piles! 4/5!

INTO THE FOREST (2019)

Yahoos with their own paranormal web show come to regret alotta life choices when they try solvin’ an ol’ missin’ persons case some say a witch was behind. A Blaire Witch wannabe through and through, this found footage snooze fails to develop its own identity, has ’bout as much tension as a high schooler’s first homemade horror flick, and features the full gamut of actin’ with an ensemble that’s everythin’ from tolerable to unbearably obnoxious. Only thing goin’ fer this flick is a coherent story with competent camerawork. Hard pass. Possessin’, paranormal ambushes, and white noise phenomena! 2/5! 

1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982)

In the dystopian future of 1990, the daughter of the world’s largest weapons dealer runs away from home to the lawless land of the Bronx and finds protection from her corporate pursuers and a Saturday morning’s worth of cartoon themed street gangs with an emotionless mannequin named Trash and his tough as press on nails biker buddies called the Riders. A spaghetti flick that mish mashes plots and sights from Escape From New York and The Warriors, this barely delivers the awesomeness promised on the poster. Our hero Trash is an utter joke who walks with a former wedgie injury, most the movie feels like it’s stretchin’ the runtime with ass draggin’ scenes givin’ every extra their 15 seconds of screen time from quick in-and-out meet-ups to longwinded bon fire funerals, and the plot leaves a lot to be desired with several character’s plans never comin’ together in any sensible way. If ya stick with it, though, there’s an amazingly random scene featurin’ a gang of tap dancers that’s completely out of nowhere, a ridiculous throwdown with Play It Again Sports rec hall warriors, and some bad ass stunts with flamethrowin’ soldiers on horseback. Skull nightlights, pimped out hot rods, bike crashin’, backstabbin’, hockey stick brawlin’, rollerskate brawlin’, suspicious mailmen assassins, semi truck chasin’, vandalisin’, shotguns to the chests, under dwellin’ gangs, stabbin’s galore, BDSM sidekick whip action, grapplin’ gun deaths, boot knifin’, framin’, and semi-abrupt endin’s! 2/5! 

NIGHT SWIM (2024)

As much as the Wallers wanna enjoy their new home’s natural spring pool, unsettlin’ occurrences in the deep end make ’em rethink swimmin’ as a pass time, ‘specially when dad falls under a dark influence requirin’ someone be sacrificed to a water deity that’s best described as an evil wishing well. A decent horror flick all ’round from the actin’ to the camerawork, this sucker can easily serve as an introductory scare to young’ns dippin’ their toes into the genre fer the first time. It ain’t gory, the body count’s incredibly low and uneventful, and the danger barely escalates with each family member bein’ smart ‘nough to avoid the pool altogether after ghosts of the spring’s past victims try yankin’ ’em under fer good. My only real complaint is understandin’ the spring’s wishy washy rules. I mean, everyone’s jumpin’ in it, but I guess it can only grant one wish at a time pendin’ human sacrifices in trade? If it wants human souls, then why’d it kill the family cat? And say ya do make the trade in souls for wishes, does it have some kinda stranglehold on ya the rest of yer life or what’s with the scene with Ms. Exposition oozin’ CG gook outta all her orifices? I ain’t askin’ fer a full origin story, mind ya, just a little more clarity! Drowned young’ns, supernatural yankin’, possessed pool covers, drowned kitties, ghostly whisperin’ and made-you-looks, eye and ear ooze, yuck yackin’, attemptin’ drowin’, possessin’, homerun slammers, time bendin’ scares, undead swimmers, and self sacrifices! 3/5! 

THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023)

The Pope’s funniest exorcist is called to Spain to investigate the latest report of demonic possession in a cursed abbey, but things get serious when he realizes he’s bein’ challenged by an actual king of Hell seekin’ to possess him so it may manipulate the Vatican from within. First dismissed fer what I honestly thought was goin’ to ‘nother in a long line of lame exorcist flicks, this tame supernatural thriller falls short in the graphic violence department with zero human casualties, but manages to shatter my expectations thanks to Russell Crowe carryin’ the whole movie with unmatched charisma as God’s cool headed assassin of evil, and the endlessly engagin’ plot he unfolds in every scene. From him humorin’ the mentally ill with pig brain showers to goin’ all Indiana Jones in ancient tombs revealin’ the Spanish Inquisition was really the devil’s idea, Crowe brings a perfect balance of levity to a fairly serious film, easily makin’ him one of the most memorable enemies of Satan ever committed to celluloid! Head case possessions, executed piggies, corpse filled catacombs, caged corpses, conspiracy secrets tomes, explosions, unholy escapes from holy traps, naked iron maiden babes, bird vomitin’, demonic eye tricks, single and multiple possessin’ galore, ear bitin’, war flashbacks, horny sins, super bendy possessions, blood covered boobs, wall climbin’, and illusions that somehow leave behind real blood! 4/5! 

NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1980)

It’s New Year’s Eve 1979, and a killer callin’ himself Evil taunts a DJ hostin’ a televised celebration from Hollywood with promises he’ll murder someone at the stroke of midnight in every American time zone, savin’ her for his Pacific New Year’s target. Not a who-dunnit, but a why-he-dunnit, this clever holiday horror follows every random act of violence Evil commits from the get-go like a Ted Bundy bio-pic full of setbacks, leavin’ the filmmakers with nothin’ left but his motivation to shock me with at the end. SPOILERS: Unfortunately, that reveal leaves a lot to be desired as it turns out Evil is the husband of the DJ he’s tauntin’, and his creative New Year’s themed killin’ spree is just some completely unnecessary build-up to killin’ her out of hatred fer how she treats him and their wackadoo son who’s a freakshow all his own. Still a terrifically made flick full of tension and non-stop punk tunes but piss poor endin’ that renders the rest of the film meaningless. Stabbin’s galore, switchblade kills, throat slittin’, dumpster ambushes, costume shop disguises, horny nurse killin’, car jackin’, police chases, elevator jackin’, elevator death traps, fatal freefallin’, ambulance jackin’, drive-in chases, biker gang justice, private breakdowns in the mirror, and bodies hidden in elevator shafts! 4/5!   

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN (2023)

It’s Christmas in Norway, and an American family plans on turnin’ an inherited homestead into a bed and breakfast but runs into a major snafu when their arrival upsets a barn elf squattin’ on their property. A beautifully shot postcard of Norwegian holiday horror, this sucker may not be an instant merry scary classic but definitely delivers mild family friendly entertainment that can be played in the background at most Yuletide get-togethers needin’ an ice breaker fer anti-social couch potatoes. It tries capturin’ a little of that Gremlins magic with the barn elf havin’  three non-sense rules everyone breaks with consequences resultin’ in an all out assault of a dozen or more dwarf-sized terrors remindin’ me of the gnomes from Goosebumps, but the flick’s tone is too lighthearted fer me to care ’bout anyone’s fate, and the whole lore of the elves feels pretty slapped together with no real effort to make ’em all that scary. Barn parties, pukin’, friendships built on cookies, kidnappin’, elf villages, secret passageways, home invadin’ and wreckin’, head choppin’, snowmobile kills, CGI moose, truce porridge, human matchsticks, barn burnin’ with explosions, bright lights, and elves with guns! 3/5! 

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (2019)

After months roostin’ at the White House, the last flick’s gang of rule obsessed zombie bashers break up over their doubts and insecurities but brought back together by fate when Little Rock runs away to a defenseless hippie commune, forcin’ Wichita to call on Tallahassee and Columbus’s help to find her with the growin’ threat of super zombies on the horizon. Every bit as fun as the first Zombieland, Double Tap is more of the same ol’ zombie apocalypse high jinks but with necessary character growth and world buildin’ to help fans tell one flick from the other. That said, fer every call back to Tallahassee bein’ some celebrity’s diehard fan boy or Columbus’s non-stop promotion of his survival tips, this flick does offer things I ain’t seen ‘fore, like mobs of undead bein’ tore up by a monster truck and zombies tricked to their freefallin’ demise like stampedin’ cattle. I only wish Tallahassee and Columbus’s doppelgangers could hang ’round longer than a scene so they could be rubs fer ’em to deal with. White House lawn massacres, suped up presidential rides, zombie transformations, vomitin’ galore, gun meltin’, zombie destruction galore, eyeball eatin’, dumb zombies, smart zombies, super hard to kill zombies, zombie malls, explodin’ mini-vans, hipster posers, Elvis museums, fire wall defenses, and a special shoehorned scene of Bill Murray killin’ his share of zombies! 4/5!   

THE DEATH OF OCEAN VIEW PARK (1979)

Descriptions of this made fer TV flick will claim it’s a haunted park that makes a disaster out of the 4th of July when a derailed roller coaster sets off a chain of fatal reactions, but this dumpster fire of storytellin’ ain’t horror in the least. The movie opens with a pendin’ hurricane, and I think destructive winds will be the starrin’ threat of the movie. Nope. A woman keeps seein’ visions of the park turnin’ into a disaster movie with her husband as a casualty, and I think she’ll be our desperate heroine tryin’ to save folks who’ll think she’s crazy. Nope. Weather specialists claim the long past hurricane left behind some kinda electrical stream that might explain glitches in the rides, but does this escalate into anythin’ forebodin’ or scary even? Nope. So, after most the movie is over without any casualties or injuries, the worry wart owners end up causin’ the mass destruction themselves when pushin’ their coaster to its max speed for one last test run to ease their minds, compromisin’ the ride’s structure while rupturing a gas line. What a terrible, misleadin’, fragmented ‘cuse fer a flick! Fatal freefallin’ from ferris wheels, silly explosions galore, sinkin’ sand castles, coaster rescues, glitchy bumper cars, buggy spinnin’ rides, premonitions, and trespassin’! 2/5!  

SATAN’S TRIANGLE (1975)

When a Coast Guard winchman is stranded on a ship stuck in the Bermuda Triangle, he listens to a hooker’s tale of how the devil killed all the crew, and after he debunks every one of her fears with rational explanations ‘hind every death, he sleeps with her then jumps to his death from a rescue chopper when he realizes he actually banged the devil possessin’ a dead priest’s body. A made fer TV movie boastin’ some impressive camerawork with a few ambitious scene transitions, this is a solid story supported by alotta creepy atmosphere, but sadly not all that enthrallin’ since so much of the movie takes place in the hooker’s flashbacks with the elements provin’ scarier than any devil she thinks is testin’ their faith. Gotta love that twist endin’, though! Impaled sailors, scaredy cat deck hands, seemingly floatin’ corpses suspended on marlin snouts, hangin’ bodies, neck snappin’, jumpcut transformations, helicopter crashin’, possessin’, and fatal freefalls! 3/5!  

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977)

Men all over town are bein’ killed by a big-ass spider, and only a private investigator is willin’ to follow up on some of the most ridiculous leads to explain it’s a woman sufferin’ from split personality disorder with a shapeshiftin’ curse. A respectable ‘nough TV movie, this idiot box entertainment delivers on the giant black widow gimmick with escalatin’ reveals from leg props to a puppet on a wire in all its cheesy glory but really needs a more engagin’ hero to keep me invested through all the investigation filler that kinda drags in the middle. Only thang worse is how overly layered this story is! There’s buncha family drama goin’ on that’s too confusin’ to shock when it tries, multiple characters spittin’ all kinds of giant killer spider theories from conflictin’ beliefs and cultures ’til the movie settles on one, and unnecessary twists like addin’ a dual personality wantin’ to be a European seductress with the family curse of arachnid transformation! Fish pole spider props on fire, chases in the zoo, near fatal freefalls, bloodsuckin’ kills off camera, clever off camera transformations with eye effects, killer spider-o-vision, webbed corpses, cobweb traps, and laugh out loud fatal escapes through second story windows! 3/5! 

THE SACRIFICE GAME (2023)

It’s Christmas Eve, and a gang known as the Christmas Killers crash an all girls school to round up innocent sacrifices fer summonin’ a demon they think will grant ’em wishes, but one secretive little outcast knows it ain’t all they bargained fer. A period scare set in the 1970s, this sucker hits on all pistons through and through with relentless tension, characters you both love and love to hate, and foreseeable twists that still manage to be excitin’. It ain’t fun ‘nough fer me to wanna revisit on my annual viewin’ of favorite holiday horrors, despite it maintainin’ the Yuletide vibe from beginnin’ to end, but definitely worth a watch ’round the Christmas tree if ya haven’t already! Home invadin’, blood window art, flesh carvin’, cop killin’, neck snappin’, throat slittin’, stabbin’s, finger severin’, mind fuckin’, demonic young’n dancin’, dark influencin’, and satanic rituals! 4/5! 

DANTE’S HOTEL (2023)

Father Time and the Grim Reaper are rolled into one reality bendin’ threat who returns every 12 years to the infamous Dantenu Hotel fer a ritualistic New Year’s Eve round-up of its guests’ souls, but this latest drop-in, he’s got Judd Nelson waitin’ to pay him back fer traumatizin’ him as an orphaned young’n. A fun little Asylum flick makin’ the most with what it’s got, this supernatural sucker’s a well paced story full of semi-gory kills, decently compellin’ characters that include seasoned actors like Ted Raimi and Moon Bloodgood, and great twists keepin’ me on my toes. The only sour I can’t help but criticize is the Reaper’s inconsistent means fer takin’ out his victims. After a clueless sap accepts a “You’re Next” ticket from him, it’s kinda all over the place whether or not the Reaper kills ’em where they stand or in this VIP bar of a pocket dimension he lures some of ’em to, and if he’s doin’ the deed himself or sendin’ undead minions to do his dirty work for him. My favorite part has to be toward the end when the Reaper starts casually yappin’ with the last girl after bein’ this stoic presence the whole movie. Hilariously unexpected! Scythe slashin’, guttin’, fatal freefalls off buildin’s, vanishin’ elevators, doomsday sacrificin’, pool ghouls, young’n neck snappin’, party crashin’, New Year’s Eve parties, head slashin’, freefallin’ instruments of death, secret passageways, torso rippin’ elevator doors, scuttle chasin’, rapid agin’, evil doppelgangers, and jumcut monster transformations! 3/5! 

IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE (2023)

When a tormented teen realizes she’s the holiday buzzkill with her always remindin’ everyone she killed the town fat cat last Christmas fer bein’ a kill-happy slasher cornerin’ the real estate market, she wishes on some aurora lights she can spare ’em her existence fer their own yuletide bliss and finds herself in a alternate dystopian reality where she not only never existed — the killer’s still at large and runnin’ the town as the mayor! It’s a Wonderful Life with a horror twist, I have mixed feelin’s ’bout this holiday horror. While it’s a top shelf production from the camerawork to the sets and soundtrack, this feels more like an alternate future episode yanked outta some long runnin’ TV series I’m supposed to be familiar with rather than a self contained feature film with all the proper introductions, build-ups, and dynamic developments. And while there’s characters as cool lookin’ as the Angel killer or as engagin’ as the last girl’s sidekick, I’m really not all that interested in the last girl or her multiverse problems which I think parodied It’s a Wonderful Life all wrong. George Bailey made the wish to not exist, because he was miserably surrounded by his own perceived shortcomin’s he felt responsible fer. The last girl in this flick is surrounded by the complete opposite, only wantin’ to vanish from existence that Christmas, ’cause she can’t handle her shit. I guess the filmmakers try explain’ this artistic departure from the source material with her sidekick’s convenient and wildly unexpected theory the killer’s spirit cursed her into a darker reality from the great beyond when she made her wish on the aurora, but even I think that’s waaay more layers than this story requires. Stabbin’s galore, public lynchin’, car battery electrocutions, party crashin’, cheatin’ love affairs, snowman decoy attacks, stick impalin’, movie theater chases, and lesbo lovin’ transformations! 3/5!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

When reckless drawbridge racin’ ‘mong ivy league students unlocks Ginny’s dead mama trauma, she finds herself losin’ hours at a time with her friends disappearin’ under sinister circumstances she thinks she might be responsible fer. A wonderfully shot did-she-didn’t-she slasher at the height of the holiday horror craze, this sucker entertains with a likable gang of lively cohorts killed in some great scenarios, but the story’s momentum could really use some fine tunin’ and the filmmakers skimp on most the gore for off camera shock value. Aside from the iconic skewer through the pie hole death which is glorified on most posters, the most memorable part of this flick has gotta be it’s endin’ (or should I say endin’s) with the whole movie turned on its head with Mission: Impossible soap opera antics you gotta see to disbelieve! Hot wheelin’ drawbridge jumpin’, heads yanked into dirt bike tires, drownin’ deaths in cars, stiff birthday guests, fake heads, Scooby-Doo reveals, throat slashin’ with razors, backseat stranglin’, brain surgery flashbacks, psychiatric supports, chloroform ambushin’ galore, fatal weightliftin’ with neck and nut crushin’, homicidal shish kabob eatin’, stabbin’s, and fire poker kills! 3/5! 

TITANIC 666 (2022)

Relics collected from the wreckage of the original Titanic are up fer grabs at an auction on the new Titanic 3, and one of the victims’ witchy ancestors takes it upon herself to punish the entire ship fer disgracin’ their memory by conjurin’ up a buncha frigid ghosts intent on repeatin’ their disastrous fate. No one mentions Titanic II in this flick, but I think it’s supposed to be a sequel to that stinker from Asylum, and a sour one at that. Everyone’s a throwaway character with unexpected personalities becomin’ leads of the movie, the plot doesn’t so much build as it plods ‘long, and I laugh every time the spellslinger’s tellin’ everyone they brought the ghosts’ anger down on ’em, ’cause NO — they’re only here ’cause YOU summoned ’em! Speakin’ of which, the sunk spooks look cool ‘nough with their frosty makeups, the way their attacks are based on their different occupations when they were alive, and how they keep addin’ to their ranks with each new victim turned into a weaponized boog-boo, but I wish they had more of a physical interaction with the livin’. Spirit summonin’, artifact stealin’, bloodlettin’ rituals, livestreamin’, ear splittin’ violins of the dead, supernatural abductions, spooky young’ns, ricochet misfires, possessin’, forced bullet to the head suicides, and o’ course — ship sinkin’! 2/5!

THANKSGIVING (2023)

On the anniversary of a big box store’s pre-Black Friday massacre of crazed shoppers literally killin’ each other over holiday deals, a killer dresses in a pilgrim get-up and seeks Thanksgivin’ themed revenge ‘gainst everyone involved with that infamous night’s casualties. The feature I’ve been wantin’ since seein’ Eli Roth’s fake trailer fer the Grindhouse double feature back in 2007, this flick proves it was worth the wait! Fast paced with dark underlinin’ humor and a bountiful ‘mount of unforgettable kills, this masterpiece of tense filled set-ups and payoffs easily earns its place ‘mong classic holiday horrors and makes leftovers outta past turkey day terrors like Thankskilling and Blood Rage! Stuffed with all manner of Thanksgivin’ mayhem from parade riots to folks bein’ cooked like family dinners, the surprisin’ highlight fer me is the insanity of the openin’ scene at the big box store Eli manages to make feel as scary and hopeless as The Green Inferno! Tarnations!! Cork screwed necks, decapitatin’, car wreckin’ hit and runs, fatties slammed in half, quick freeze trappin’, gagged pukin’, roasted humans, neck breakin’, hair yankin’, clerk crushin’, social media themes, head smashin’ with medieval meat tenderizers, head twistin’, fridges stuffed with cheerleaders, trampoline knife landin’s, sewer chasin’, live feed dinners of death, glass impaled necks, riotin’, tear gassin’, explodin’ parade balloons, eye contact triggers, red herrin’s galore, slasher switcheroos, table saw landin’s, home invadin’, and knock-out darts! 5/5! 

RUIN ME (2017)

A gang of strangers sign away their safety to enjoy a full-on slasher experience in the woods, but the lines ‘tween thrill-seekin’ fantasy and reality blur as someone’s not what they seem, and everything’s thrown into question at the expense of the viewer’s enjoyment. If ya enjoy flicks like the original April Fools Day, then ya might get somethin’ outta this joyless head scratcher I honestly don’t care ‘nough to figure out when all’s said and done. SPOILERS: What I mean to say is, after this sucker wraps things up with an annoyin’ mulligan endin’, I was completely lost by the followin’ twist that just blows holes in the overall plot. So, if everything’s legit and on the level with this slasher outfit and their ability to monitor their victims/customers for their safety, then how did the main girl’s twisted boyfriend manage to pull all that Saw shit with draggin’ her junkie ex in and out of the experience? He couldn’t have done it alone, so does that mean the slasher company actually is dangerous and willin’ to kidnap and hurt folks fer the right price? Fake throat slittin’, loonies in the boonies, stabbin’s galore, bondage hill rollin’ into spikes, beach shacklin’, boobs by the campfire, loony bin mind fucks, and off camera hand jobs! 2/5! 

WHEN THE TRASH MAN KNOCKS (2023)

After decades in hidin’ since his Thanksgivin’ killin’ spree to assemble the perfect family gatherin’ of dismembered body parts, the infamous Trash Man proves he’s more than an urban door-to-door legend as a gaggle of yahoos’ turkey day is brought to a pretty uneventful endin’. A little indie flick that interestingly copycat’s a little of the 2018 Halloween redo with the tiniest pinch of Jeepers Creepers lore, this sucker’s title killer unfortunately takes a backseat to alotta longwinded victim drama that’s periodically interrupted by clockwork kills as forgettable as the Trash Man’s clown mask. While it’s apparent the filmmakers put their best effort forward, I really wish they spent more time on their script and developed a stronger lead whose story coincides better with the Trash Man’s return. Even worse — this is supposed to be a Thanksgivin’ horror, but it’s barely a theme with folks ready to move on to celebratin’ Christmas! Accidental stabbin’s, agoraphobic mamas, haggish rubber face delusions, hackin’ galore, breakin’ and enterin’, drinkin’ on the job, closet romances, customer service fails, home invadin’ throw downs, true crime exposition dumps, and dead siblin’ hauntin’s! 2/5!

SCREAM OF THE WOLF (2022)

As a buncha filmmakers are ’bout to call it a wrap on their low budget vampire flick, they find out their remote mansion set belongs to a ravenous werewolf, and he’s huntin’ fer late night snacks! A sharp lookin’ snooze fest with a bit of a funny bone as well as impressive lycan make-up and camerawork, this European horror has the ingredients fer a fun scare but lacks any seasonin’ to spice things up. No one knows they’re in danger ’til it’s too late most the time, there’s an unbelievable lack of tension when it’s obvious everyone’s safe if they just stay in the locked up mansion ’til mornin’, and none of the characters really stand out fer better or worse save the ol’ drunk of a seasoned movie star, but even his inebriated appeal’s ruined by despicable choices he makes at the expense of his crew’s lives. And talk ’bout missed opportunities — the werewolf’s a magician of all things, but that cool factoid never comes into play! What the hell?! Head rippin’, disembowelin’, light-up defenses, silver tipped impalin’, comedic beatin’s, piles of body parts galore, arm severin’, dismembered part lickin’, and ‘lotta drinkin’! 2/5!  

HAUNTED MANSION (2023)

A New Orleans mansion full o’ ghosts dupe a buncha strangers to their haunted abode and force the unwillin’ guests into helpin’ ’em escape the tyranny of a headless spook on a mission to sacrifice a thousand souls fer his freedom from the grounds. While this new swing at a previous Disney flop is full o’ top shelf eye candy and talent, it ain’t all that funny, and the writin’ feels like a buncha cobbled together ideas connected by the most formulaic story beats. To name a few sours hurtin’ this flick, twists like the young’n’s ghost dad come out of nowhere, the mansion’s backstory is cool but a little complex, characters are more thrown in than introduced, things like the ghost camera are set-up as a major plot device but ultimately serves no purpose in the end, and while there are breathers here and there to develop the bonds ‘mong these characters, it never feels genuine ‘nough fer me to invest in them or their stories. Worst yet, why is the biggest baddest booga boo in the house needin’ a whole soul sacrificin’ ritual to leave the manor when lesser ghosts are leavin’ with visitors, and one even hightails it on a boat never to return. What’s with that?! Just stick with the Eddie Murphy version, and you’ll be a lot happier. Flyin’ ejection chairs, ghost horses, astral projectin’, possessin’, duelin’ ghosts, never-endin’ hallways, insta-maze hallways, spiritual photography, tidal wave haunts, mediums trapped in crystal balls, séances, paranormal catfishin’, floatin’ objects, risin’ ceilings, secret graves, axe wieldin’ spooks, portals to the underworld, ghost on ghost violence, haunted armor, hitch hikin’ spirits, and fake priests! 2/5! 

HELL HOUSE LLC ORIGINS: THE CARMICHAEL MANOR (2023)

While internet sleuths investigate an Amityville Horror kinda hauntin’ at a remote mansion in the sticks, they spend four nights bein’ steadily unnerved by the growin’ presence of somethin’ sinister they learn has ties to the infamous Abaddon Hotel. More of the same ol’ same ol’ from the found footage series built on creepy shadows and mannequin clowns to deliver the scares, but I’ll be damned if these filmmakers don’t do it better than anybody else every time. Just give ’em a dark hallway and an actor in a clown suit, and yer guaranteed a skin crawlin’ experience filled with forebodin’ tension that can only end with an explosion of expletives. Like the last three Hell House LLC films, however, this is more memorable for its spooky atmosphere than any one stand-out moment — but less is more I guess. Creepy toy ball bouncin’, movin’ mannequin clowns, catfishin’ phone calls, backwood hostiles, car trouble, back road hikin’, video call jump scares, resurrections, secret compartment clocks, knock knock pranks, and home movie backstories! 3/5!  

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S (2023)

Racked with guilt over his little brother’s abduction years before and now strugglin’ to support his orphaned sister, a desperate security guard takes a gig watchin’ over an abandoned pizza parlor with a dark history and steadily spends a week confrontin’ a dangerous gang of ghost young’ns hauntin’ its mechanical mascots. Finally makin’ the long awaited transition from hit video game series to the big screen, I woulda thought this be the be-all end-all Chuck E. Cheese/Showbiz Pizza inspired horror flick fans have been clamorin’ fer, but it falls short of that expectation. Sure, it’s got top shelf production value from the actin’ to the sets and camerawork, but it’s just not as fun as its copycat predecessors like Willy’s Wonderland or The Banana Splits Movie. I mean, I ain’t sayin’ the movie can’t have its somber heartstring yankin’ moments here and there with the whole family drama it’s weaved throughout, but come on — this is ’bout robot cartoons attackin’ folks in a kiddie arcade. Lighten up! Other sours that leave a gnarly aftertaste in my mouth is whether or not these macabre mechanisms were intentionally created by their killer or not and to what end, and the suspicious lady of the law who side saddles the security guard’s descent into toony terror bein’ such an unlikable character with a confusin’ sense of morals. But kudos to the filmmakers fer figurin’ out superb reasons why anyone would go back to Freddy’s five nights straight. That is a major storytellin’ accomplishment to me! Face manglin’ cupcake bots, breakin’ and enterin’, vandalizin’, folks bitten in half, mechanized torture chairs, fatal spring loaded costumes, bafflin’ jumpscare toys, lucid dreamin’, ghost young’ns, programmed rock shows, stabbin’s, truth doodles, fort buildin’, tacklin’, evil aunts, and electrified attacks with cattle prods and tazers! 3/5! 

DARK HARVEST (2023)

Set in the early ’60s, a rural town prepares its eldest teenage boys to compete in the annual Halloween hunt of a supernatural creature from the cornfield to ensure a good harvest, but one eager greaser’s figurin’ out there’s more to the ritual than prizes and respect. Best described as Pumpkinhead meets The Purge with a dash of The Hunger Games, this period horror oozes eye candy from beginnin’ to end with lavish lightin’ and cinematography while deliverin’ a wild ride full o’ unexpected turns that keeps me sayin’, “Tarnations!” As entertainin’ as these spontaneous moments are, however, the rules of this hunt are just all kinds of confusin’. Like, ‘less it’s part of the ritual, how is starvin’ the guys fer three days supposed to make ’em hunt better, and why are the town officials allowin’ ’em to vandalize the town and kill each other ‘stead of proddin’ ’em into actually goin’ after The Nightmare Before Christmas wannabe? If the goal is to keep the monster from reachin’ the town church by midnight, then why don’t everyone just wait to kill it there? Everyone thinks they can’t use guns and cars to hunt, but no one’s stoppin’ those that do, and why are the scaredy cats refusin’ to join the hunt freakin’ out if no one’s stoppin’ ’em from just hidin’ all night? Still a memorable holiday horror, regardless, but I wish this stuff was addressed durin’ one of the movie’s multiple endin’s. Monster chasin’, flamin’ heads, house infernos, street fightin’, bully beatin’, cellar bloodbaths, resurrections, folks cut in half, partial decapitations, live burials, Halloween costumes galore, car jackin’, head splittin’, fatal shootin’ to the gut and head, stabbin’s, candy scarfin’, riotin’, human matchsticks, and secret societies! 4/5! 

NATTY KNOCKS (2023)

While this flick starts out the gate like a supernatural horror settin’ up this urban legend ’bout an angry B actress burned alive fer bein’ a witchy whore, it’s really a bland thriller featurin’ her serial killer fer a son tryin’ to outwit a gang of nosey young’sn wantin’ to bust him fer kidnappin’ young girls. Talk ’bout gettin’ mixed signals! I was immediately excited by the artistic effort this flick exudes as well as its impressive chemistry ‘mong its cast (which includes horror hall ‘o famers Robert Englund, Bill Mosely, and Danielle Harris), but once it pulls the bait and switch and nixes the Natty Knocks scares fer Rear Window antics, I just stewed in bitterness the rest of the runtime. Sure, the filmmakers end on a supernatural beat at the last possible second with Natty’s spirit randomly possessin’ folks outta nowhere, but it makes zero sense since I thought she was revealed to be a whore with a black book of customers’ names ‘stead of an actual witch with spells. It’s even more confusin’ when I thought her earlier jump scare appearances was her son’s victim in some make-up he put her in after mentally breakin’ her watchin’ mom’s ol’ movies. I had no clue that was Natty’s hysterical ghost in a mirror! Bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with no boobs, copper stealin’, peepin’, urban legend door prankin’, live burnin’ executions, whore guiltin’, chest stabbin’s, professional exposition dumps by Englund, angry wives clubs, haunted house attractions, beatin’s, kidnappin’s, possessin’, and crooked law officials! 2/5! 

THE JESTER (2023)

Followin’ their dad’s supposed suicide, two estranged siblings find themselves bein’ stalked Halloween night by a supernatural killer with a twisted funny bone and a mysterious history with their family. While this holiday horror looks nice and boasts an entertainin’ killer on par with the slasher in Satan’s Little Helper, the writin’ just makes me wanna wrangle the filmmakers by their necks! I can ‘cuse the longwinded monologues, the poorly written gang of friends stuck in to build the kill count, the lack of meaningful scenes ‘tween the half-sisters to make me give a shit ’bout their relationship, and the unconvincin’ reactions folks have to most everythin’ happenin’ in this flick, but the endin’ to explain the Jester’s involvement in all this had me kickin’ my boot through the TV. As confusin’ as the endin’ of High Tension, I think the Jester is revealed to be some kinda mental illness the family has and either nothin’ in the movie after the dad’s death actually happened or the one sister did all the killin’ in some way that defies all logic as she interacted with her dangerous hallucination. Either way, the filmmakers try waaay too hard to be different and deliver a third act that completely ruins the rest of the flick. Magical transportin’, trick ‘r treatin’, hang ’em high deaths, magic neckties, vanishin’ heads, magic handcuffs, throat slittin’, reverse footage gags, voice throwin’ phone calls, stabbin’s, haunted festival attractions, eye and teeth removal through three cup scams, knee breakin’, fatal silencin’, ghost dads, card tricks, fuckin’ with trick ‘r treaters, graveyard dancin’, fatal falls with tied shoe laces, apples yanked outta mouths, and a modest ‘mount of Halloween decor! 2/5!  

TOTALLY KILLER (2023)

Decades after a small town’s gang of mean girls were slaughtered, their mystery slasher comes outta hidin’ to finish off the final member of their click, but it’s okay, ’cause her millennial fer a daughter randomly time travels to Halloween 1987 in a photo booth to stop any of it from ever happenin’. Fer a good lookin’ horror comedy filled with top shelf talent, this sucker has very little tension and a few chuckles at best. The time machine isn’t so much introduced as it’s abruptly thrown in, the dangers never really escalate, the red herrings ‘long with the killers’ backstories are completely fumbled with their set-ups and payoffs, the finale should be ten times more epic, the comedy relies too much on referential meta-humor that gets old fast, and worse — the last girl comes out the gate runnin’ as this entitled woke pushin’ brat whose only growth as a character is lovin’ her mama a little more when all’s said and done. The filmmakers manage to give her a meaningful moment or two in the middle that makes me wanna root fer her a bit more, sure, but I’m still indifferent to whatever happens to her. Time travellin’ photo booths and arcade machines, explodin’ bad guys, stabbin’ galore, home invadin’, scythes through chests, throat slittin’, ear impalin’, revenge plots, dodge ball, pool parties, water bed kills, pot brownie eatin’, murder podcasts, time travellin’ theme park rides, timeline alterin’, chases through haunted house attractions, Back to the Future nods, Scream nods, Halloween 2018 nods, and 2/5 as far as the Halloween atmosphere is concerned! 3/5!  

SAW X (2023)

Takin’ place ‘tween Saw and Saw II, Jigsaw seeks a cure fer his cancer in Mexico, but when he finds out he’s been scammed outta his money with smoke and mirrors, he hunts down every con artist involved and subjects ’em to his extreme brand of karma with the help of his apprentice Amanda. A sweet change of pace from the series’ usual marathon of gratuitous torture porn to a more character driven narrative, this is the first entry that really allows Tobin Bell to shine as Jigsaw. Rather than continuin’ the trend of him bein’ the shadowy mastermind behind the scenes who acts through loyal followers of his philosophies, Jigsaw is front and center fer the duration of the flick, even when he’s dishin’ out his victims’ chances at redemption which are some of the most outrageous gore challenges yet. Disregardin’ how quickly and easily he manages to set-up a warehouse worth of death contraptions, the only sour I gotta gripe ’bout is how unbalanced some of the games are with the more evil of the bunch gettin’ the less violent tasks to complete compared to their associates. I mean, the fake surgeon’s fake assistant has to cut her leg off and suck bone marrow out of her femur while her boss behind the whole operation faces waterboardin’ with blood and skin burnin’ gas. What’s up with that? Eyeball suckin’, finger breakin’, torture daydreamin’, fake brain surgeries, leg severin’, decapitatin’, bone marrow suckin’, x-ray roastin’, hand and foot breakin’, skull drillin’, brain pluckin’, pipe bomb graftin’, kidnappin’, attempted rappin’, swindlin’, macin’, disembowelin’, gut lassoin’, head cookin’, seesaw blood boardin’, chemical death traps, and shock collars! 4/5! 

V/H/S/85 (2023)

V/H/S strikes back for the sixth time with a found footage anthology shatterin’ viewers’ nerves with 1985 themed horrors from little e.t. lost copycats and Mexican apocalypses to psychic goths, VR death sentences, and justice for the undead. An overall entertainin’ collection of shorts without a real wraparound story to tie it all together like previous entries, this flick is more hit than miss. “No Wake/Ambrosia” is the most compellin’ of the bunch that keeps me hooked fer what happens next. “God of Death” is arguably the weakest with it bein’ nothin’ but claustrophobic camerawork and noise. “Dreamkill” surprises with its steady development into a richer story with layers. “TKNOGD” is my favorite even though it could stand to be more excitin’, and “Total Copy” has some nice build to its suspense as the bookendin’ story peppered throughout the flick, but its endin’ is a bit of a letdown save the last chuckle worthy shot. Sharpshootin’ killers, hangin’ intestines, magic lakes, mangled jaws, point blank executions, bullets to the brain basket, killer family reunions, shoot ’em up police raids, botched suicides, psychic goths, pre-recorded dreams of the future, heart rippin’, boobs, finger severin’, stabbin’s, slashin’, crushin’ fatalities, earthquakes, fartin’, resurrected gods, self sacrificin’, leg tearin’ and poppin’, black box theatre performances gone deadly wrong, eye poppin’, mimickin’ e.t.s, and tentacle attackin’! 4/5!

ZOMBIE TOWN (2023)

When a small town’s resident horror director comes out of retirement to premier his latest masterpiece ’round Halloween, a theater employee sneaks a peek with his own midnight showin’ and accidentally unleashes an Egyptian spell in the movie that turns the whole town into soul suckin’ zombies. Wonderfully shot, decently acted, and featurin’ a jumpin’ soundtrack full o’ licensed tunes, the entertainment value of this family friendly flick from R.L. Stein falls somewhere ‘tween Goosebumps and Fear Street. Aside from the sad Halloween atmosphere, the biggest sour I gotta knock this fer is the director’s convoluted backstory to his fame and fortune that’s nothin’ short of confusin’. I mean, he reveals he’s been usin’ this magic to turn hapless folks into bankable monster movies with their souls trapped on celluloid. How has he never been linked to decades worth of these missin’ yahoos? Do audiences not recognized their loved ones on screen when they watch his stuff? And when he has a battle with his guilty conscience, he whines ’bout not wantin’ to destroy the films to release his victims’ souls, ’cause that’s the same as givin’ up his legacy. Huh? Is destroyin’ these prints gonna wipe out every copy of ’em from Blurays to VHS, too? What ’bout the digital copies? Makes zero sense and really ruins the tension. Urinal prank scares, theaters full o’ zombies, PG level soul suckin’, zombie makin’, knock-out Halloween decorations, protective Eyes of Ra, magical film canisters, heroes with small bladders, sad Halloween parties, Crystal Skull Vodka nods, hog tyin’, and a cameo by R.L. Stein himself in the credits! 2/5! 

TAMARA (2005)

After a buddin’ teenage witch is killed in a prank gone wrong that unintentionally completes her love spell fer a teacher, she’s resurrected as an undead pair of legs in a mini skirt with the power in her fingertips to seduce folks to her vindictive will. A respectable flick all ’round, there ain’t much wrong with this horror hottie tale, but nothin’ too excitin’ either. There’s some sweet bits o’ gore here and there from her victims cuttin’ chunks outta their faces to chowin’ down glass bottles, and Jenna Dewan makes fer some stellar eye candy (which the filmmakers can’t even disguise in her dowdy dork phase), but the tension’s just too thin with very little suspense and escalation of danger that lazily wraps up with a self sacrificin’ endin’ that don’t make the most sense. Finger gnawin’, engorged eatin’, gay sex revenge under the sheets, mind controllin’, mind readin’, self inflicted vomitin’, burials, vision flashin’, decayin’ flesh, super healin’, axes to the back, fatal freefalls, home invadin’, stabbin’s, eye gougin’, tongue and ear severin’, glass eatin’, love spell rituals, head crackin’, hotel pranks with video cameras, spellbooks with magic pages, and shoot ’em ups! 4/5!

ELEVATOR GAME (2023)

When a fella’s sister goes missin’ after playin’ a supernatural game of chicken on an elevator to visit a dead girl’s ghost dimension, he dupes a spook debunkin’ webshow into playin’ the game and suffer a limb rippin’ fate ‘less they help find her. An impressive flick overall with thoughtful camerawork and a cast that’s more hit than miss, this spook-tacular double dare makes the best with its budget fer a ferocious booga-boo I wouldn’t wanna get stuck in an elevator with, but suffers from repetitive ping-pongin’ action set to a wonky pace of escalated threats that’s a little inconsistent now and then. Worse — the longwinded elevator game this story’s centered ’round is played non-stop in the most abandoned lookin’ dump of an apartment buildin’ the upper class supposedly lives in. One game per act is to be expected, but it’s played FIVE times ‘fore the end credits roll which is a little overkill given how quickly it gets old. Closed eye challenges with angry spirits, crushed and mangled sorority pledge backstories, bendy crawly scares, bodily dismemberment, neck bitin’, protective salt circles, dinner crashin’, trespassin’, disappearin’ acts, interdimensional hoppin’, and ghosts breakin’ their own made-up rules! 3/5!

DEADLY PLEDGE aka THE HAUNTING OF SORORITY ROW (2007)

Hell week takes on a whole new meanin’ as a gang of pledges watch their soon-to-be sorority sisters get picked off by a hauntin’ secret from their past they hoped would stay buried. Fer an idiot box production, this small screen scare ain’t half bad but really takes its time gettin’ the horror rollin’ with its cast of talented ladies doin’ a better job holdin’ my interest than the snooze inducin’ deaths peppered throughout. With ‘nough patience, however, the last act finally hits the gas and goes all out with a gal from the cooler side of the grave who could give Sam and Dean Winchester a run fer their money! Fright induced deaths, accidental live burials, coffin hazin’, ex-boyfriend Hobbits obsessed with the paranormal, supernaturally warped mugshots, shapeshiftin’ spooks, frosty attacks, monoxide poisonin’, and gals flung through the air! 3/5!

THE BARN PART II (2022)

It’s been years since Josh and Sam disappeared while savin’ Halloween from the legendary barn demons they unintentionally summoned, and their family and friends wanna honor ’em with their own haunted barn attraction that accidentally stirs up even more homicidal monsters from the bowels of hell. Bigger and badder than the filmmakers’ first love letter to VHS horror, this follow-up is everything I could ask fer with even more comic book lookin’ slashers dishin’ out practical splatter deaths while two extremely talented last girls work fast to lay ’em to rest. Fer all its intentional cheesiness, however, I can’t help but wish the filmmakers followed Grindhouse’s example from 2007 with Planet Terror and Death Proof and focus on makin’ this the best movie they possibly could (as far as production value and editin’ are concerned) ‘fore worryin’ ’bout it resemblin’ a throwback to the heyday of shot on video entertainment. It tries a little too hard to be charmingly rough around the edges on purpose and keeps distractin’ me with thoughts of a better remake. Back rippin’, scalpin’, campfire stories, impressive exposition dumps by Doug Bradley, monstrous mergin’, walkin’ dead, drive-in massacres, electric chainsaw fightin’ with Linnea Quigley, regular keyboards disguised as weaponized keytars, League of Their Own nods, video rental stores, pillow fightin’ with boobs, watery vomitin’, neck bitin’, wells to hell, Joe Bob Briggs totals, half decapitations, demonoid monks, subtle monstrous transformations, lap dancin’, gut rippin’, vine attackin’, and stabbin’s! 4/5!

SMILE (2009)

The ghost of Armand Assante suckers an out-of-towner into takin’ his cursed instant camera on her ill-fated road trip to the sticks of Morocco, and after she and her classmates inevitably get lost, they start dyin’ from freak accidents whenever their pics are taken. More convoluted than Final Destination 3 or Polaroid and a lot less fun than Goosebumps‘ “Say Cheese and Die,” this spaghetti horror is made well ‘nough but disappointingly cuts corners with the horror and steps all over its own feet tryin’ to be more clever than it is with a ridiculous backstory requirin’ a huge exposition dump at the end to tie all the non-sense together. If the filmmakers told a more straightforward story and weaved the horror in more consistently with escalatin’ kills they weren’t ‘fraid to linger on, this would be ten times better, but at least it’s got a funny twist endin’ I didn’t see comin’ to seal the fates the remainin’ survivors. Flyin’ impalements galore, night clubbin’, street bangin’ without boobs, ghost hunters, dead girls, damned spirits, antler impaled mutilations, deep charred lightnin’ deaths, bangin’ in the woods with boobs, road kill deaths, cursed items, and bloody deer carcass carvin’! 2/5! 

SATAN’S STORYBOOK (1989)

While Satan’s bodacious daughters fight their differences out like a couple of Xena warriors, the big bad summons his own jester to help pass the time with two demonic tales that don’t ‘mount to a hill o’ beans ’bout a Satanic killer even the electric chair can’t keep down and a suicidal clown with regrets. Fer a forgettable shot on video flick, this looks fuckin’ amazin’ from its theatrical lightin’ to the special effect monsters that could pass fer primetime booger beasts in their day. The key sour preventin’ this sucker from achievin’ greatness, however, is its wonky storytellin’ with a sticky flow that never feels as organic as it should from one segment to the next leavin’ things a shoehorned mess. Enjoy the cheese, but don’t expect any cheap thrills. Ninja lookin’ warriors, goat headed devil daddies, beastoid worshippers, home invadin’, hangin’s, chest stabbin’, deathrow electrocutions, bullets to the head, sword fightin’, seances with ghost mamas, and dark rituals! 3/5! 

REUNION FROM HELL (2021)

While attendin’ a friend’s funeral in his hometown, Riley’s bittersweet return is filled with relentless criticism from his friends and family over his history of substance abuse all the while his dead buddy’s killer’s still out there pickin’ folks off ’bout every half hour with minimum of gore. 10% slasher to 90% yappy drama, this is a chore to sit through. For an amateur film, it’s well shot and comprehensive ‘nough to tell an understandable story with the killer’s motive simply bein’, “I’m crazy!” but the script still needs alotta work. There’s little to no tension, the hero whines the vast majority of the movie, and the slasher segments are so few and far ‘tween, it had to have been an afterthought to trick viewers into watchin’ the drama the filmmakers really wanted to make. Worse yet . . . I’m left unsatisfied with an unmasked killer still on the loose when the credits rolls. Horse shit! Home invadin’, Eskimo kisses of death, gut and leg stabbin’s, Ghostface phone scares, throat slittin’, and bullets to the chest! 2/5!

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN (2022)

When a teeny bopper’s crank of a neighbor dies under mysterious circumstances, she and her friends are suddenly targeted by a demonic spirit from Irish legends called Crom he was keepin’ the world safe from, and they only have ’til Halloween to figure out a way to stop it from unleashin’ chaos ‘cross the globe. A lot like a Goosebumps flick, this little movie boasts top shelf production with impressive special effects and an all ’round engagin’ cast of likeable characters keepin’ me fully invested in the story, but despite how high the stakes are with a doomsday beast as the threat, there’s a major lack of danger and tension thanks to how little interaction there is ‘tween Crom and the teens who keep wardin’ him off by accident with offerings of junk food he don’t even eat. Perfect fer a family friendly gateway horror I guess, but the filmmakers really shoulda taken notes from Ernest Scared Stupid on how to properly escalate their title boogey man and show off his practical effect mug they spent most the time hidin’. Horror movie watch parties, pet cemetery robbin’, tomb trap rituals, animal get-up get togethers, daddy issues, breakin’ and enterin’, monster researchin’ at the local library, and a modest ‘mount of Halloween atmosphere! 3/5!  

AMITYVILLE ISLAND (2020)

Knickknacks from an Amityville yard sale possess a mom to kill her whole family, and while she serves time on death row in a catatonic state, she’s thrown into an underground fightin’ tournament that lands her on a boat to a mad doctor’s remote island where she and ‘nother prisoner will depend on her Amityville curse to escape his evil baby makin’ experiments. Kudos to the filmmakers fer comin’ up with such a bonkers story with surprisingly subtle callbacks to the original run of Amityville Horror flicks and managin’ to find a lead as competent as Danielle Donahue to get me through it. It’s almost ‘nough to make me forgive the production bein’ on par with a Z grade student film, but this flick’s shoestring budget and pretend playin’ strategy is just too distractin’ fer me to suspend my own disbelief. Through some filmmakin’ miracle, however, I was entertained every time the Amityville evil jumped outta the gal to fight threatenin’ forces through critters it possessed. Off camera massacres, deathrow cat fightin’, escapin’, repetitious shoulder shootin’, masked evil, forced suicides, zoned out realtors, possessed bear attackin’, possessed shark attackin’, rando zombie monsters, hodge podge Radio Shack labs, computer hackin’, guard dog attackin’, hand severin’, and WTF births! 2/5! 

CREEPSHOW 3 (2006)

Five shitty stories are told from homely suburbia to the dregs of the inner city that include reality bendin’ TV remotes ruinin’ a teeny boppers’ looks, mysterious radios tellin’ chumps how to level up in life, killer hookers, a couple of smart guys dissectin’ a poor gal they think is a robot, and an asshole doctor kinda outrunnin’ the ghost of a guy who died eatin’ a bad hotdog. With no involvement from Stephen King, George Romero, or even Tom Savini and KNB EFX, this is Creepshow in name only fer an easy pay day. It’s blatantly obvious this mess was meant to be its own thang, and the filmmakers decided fer one reason or ‘nother to exploit Creepshow’s fan base and slap a minute of quickie animation on the beginnin’ like Creepshow 2 to support the charade ’til suckers figure out they’ve been duped by the second segment. What’s really sad, however, is the production is more than respectable with solid actors and impressive special effects, but it’s all ruined ’cause the stories suck donkey dicks with longwinded edits that drag the overall pacin’ to medal worthy tests of tolerance, and the stories not always makin’ the most sense like the girl turnin’ into a rabbit in the openin’ act which is the worst way to start a movie! Deformed reality hoppin’ on repeat, mad doctors and their mail order voodoo brides, bodily dismemberment, chest stabbin’ galore, monstrous neck bitin’, home invadin’ massacres, head smashin’, brain handlin’, limb severin’, party pill poppin’, fatal street foods, backstabbin’ shootin’s, kidnappin’s, and wheelin’ dealin’ bums! 2/5! 

FANGS (2002)

Someone’s triggerin’ lab bats with a fancy new doodad to kill the town mayor and his cohorts fer their past sins, and their only salvation from these flyin’ rodent assassinations is the local veterinarian with the help of a city slicker cop. More whodunnit thriller than bat horror with little to no gore, this flick ain’t makin’ anyone’s top ten lists, but it’s a damn fine film none the less. Competently made with a handful of B movie familiars, this is solid filmmakin’ through and through with stylish cinematography, a thoughtful score, and mostly convincin’ performances that don’t take themselves too seriously. More impressive, however, is how the CGI bats hold up better than most top shelf productions do from the same time period this sucker came out. Fun little watch fer a slow night. Mauled corpses offscreen, bat caves, flurries of bats, triangulation strategies, neck and ankle attackin’, dead guard dogs, C4 explosions, kidnappin’, real estate swindlin’, festival and police station massacres, lab bimbos, and some urban myth ’bout how ‘nough aluminum cans on a dashboard can bypass police radars! 3/5! 

BAD THINGS (2023)

A woman parties with her gender bendin’ friends at a hotel she inherits to decide whether or not she wants to sell her dead grandma’s estate, but their troubled pasts combined with borderline spook sightin’s lead to questionable mayhem. This Shining wannabe with barely a pinch of whodunnit slasher is too psychological fer its own good and goes way over my head fer understandin’ what the fuck is happenin’. I get the complex relationships ‘mong the characters fer the most part but can’t tell ya who’s hurtin’ who fer what reason much less why I should care, and I’m completely lost once the main girl’s locked outta the hotel at the end. All I know is this flick ain’t scary, has wonky escalations of danger, no real character or story worth investin’ in . . . skip. Severed kiddie fingers, ghosts havin’ lunch, hauntin’ joggers, mama drama, arm cuttin’, chainsaw chasin’, shoulder cuttin’, surreal real estate deals, and oblivious bystanders to supposed hack ’em up murders! 2/5! 

BLOOD THEATRE (1984)

A mega-chain theater re-opens an infamous haunted screen on the other side of town and hopes its murderous ghost kills the saps they sucker into workin’ there for a big pay day from the insurance company. A clever little flick without the skill fer perfectly executin’ its generational movie house themes much less its raunchy punchlines, this cheap giggle is short but drags ass from beginnin’ to end with just ‘nough cheesy moments and shots of Mary Woronov’s legs to keep me watchin’ despite nothin’ ever really happenin’. Only memorable scene that ain’t fake trailers for clown hookers hustlin’ Hollywood has to be the unbelievable death sequences in the projection booth by the killer spook who, correct me if I’m wrong, looks waaay younger when he dies. Silly nightmare deaths in a popcorn machine, cheerleader murderin’, near deaths by fallin’ houseplants, theatre massacres, fatal infernos, stabbin’s, haunted ambushes, bare breasted popcorn smackin’ troublemakers, possessed typewriters, crumblin’ phones, brothel bustin’, electrocutin’, decapitatin’, new rules sayin’ ghosts can be stabbed, and “WHOOSH!” sound effects galore! 2/5!

THE LOCH NESS HORROR (1981)

In this mess of a cute rubber monster movie, Nessie’s after a disgruntled fella who stole her egg, a sonar expert’s lookin’ fer Nessie as well as a date with a ol’ Scott’s granddaughter, and caught in the middle is a military cover-up to protect some sunken World War 2 plane that could randomly prove to be Nessie’s demise. Jumpin’ jack-o-lanterns, could the filmmakers really not settle on one story or at least weave all these competin’ narratives into one cohesive script with some character development? The third act feels like someone switched channels on me to a war flick full o’ tolerance testin’ monologues I can’t help but fastforward through, just to see Nessie’s final showdown with strangers who’re more than late to the party. Despite these sours, however, this disasterpiece has scenes ya gotta see to disbelieve from Nessie hikin’ through the woods to chomp down on some unlucky Scotts to one of the most laugh out loud conversations I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid when a yank blatantly admits “Yes” to a Scott’s question if it’s true Americans go to the movies once a week and read skin mags. Egg stealin’, scuba divin’, underwater attackin’, kidnappin’, random killin’ of a town’s legendary madman, head and shoulder chompin’, fog breath, underwater explosions, field trippin’, science mumbo jumbo to explain Nessie’s matin’ habits, and shootin’ galore! 2/5! 

CREATURE FROM BLACK LAKE (1976)

A couple o’ college Yankees are huntin’ Big Foot fer a school project and drive to the most squatch infested town in Louisiana with missin’ links ’round every corner scarin’ the bajeezers outta the local rednecks. A fairly entertainin’ buddy flick with engagin’ leads bringin’ genuine screen chemistry to otherwise flat characters, this sucker boasts a well paced escalation of Big Foot reveals but sadly culminates in a pretty dissatisfying endin’. Whether it’s to blast Big Foot away or snap his picture, I find myself rootin’ fer these yahoos and expect their final encounter with the furious furball to end with the usual heroic fanfare or ironic twists, but would ya believe, they’re simply back to where they were 2/3 through the movie, vowin’ to prove its existence. Farm animal slingin’, attempted home invadin’, honkin’ squatch calls, drunk tanks, chicken dinners, fatal flashbacks, car wrecks, van flippin’, fatal boatin’, monstrous ambushin’, explodin’ vans, campin’ galore, and waitress scare tactics! 3/5! 

THE CRAWLING HAND (1963)

After an unlucky astronaut blows up in Earth’s atmosphere durin’ a mission to the moon, a yahoo finds his severed arm on the beach fer a keepsake but regrettably learns it’s possessed by germs exposed to cosmic rays that’ve mutated it into some kinda zombie-like entity capable of random kung-fu grip murders and mind control. Some of the most far fetched sci-fi jargon EVER committed to celluloid to explain a killer limb with minions, this gimmick’s stretched as thin as the shoestring budget would allow with more scenes of folks yappin’ ’bout a killer meat mitt than flailin’ ’round with it wringin’ their necks. Despite this campy flick takin’ itself seriously with a handful of heckle worthy moments, the filmmakers do work in a few legitimate laughs from five finger death bogus scares to a dance hatin’ restaurant owner to keep things entertainin’. Undead astronaut broadcasts, Earth germs gone bad, stranglin’ galore, mind controllin’ limbs orderin’ folks to murder, junkyard showdowns with feral cats, meaty digit chewin’, lunch with lab animals, restaurant dancin’, comet spottin’, ambulance escapin’, and Skipper from Gilligan’s Island as the sheriff! 2/5!

COBWEB (2023)

As Halloween nears, a young’n starts hearin’ a mysterious voice in his bedroom wall and juggles whether or not to believe its yarn ’bout bein’ his long lost sister their wacko parents locked away in the crawlspace and he could suffer the same miserable fate if he doesn’t act soon. Top shelf cinematography and actin’, this turns the disappointments room concept on its ear with a pepperin’ of hider in the wall antics, but falls short of a knock-out story. I get the fairy tale kinda simplicity of the flick, but the shady parents could really stand to be more developed than these evil one dimensional villains dishin’ questionable means of discipline if the filmmakers had just added the smallest mention of their day jobs or social lives much less why they grow a big ass pumpkin patch in the backyard. Only thang more frustratin’ is a backstory set-up that doesn’t payoff in any obvious way regardin’ a girl who went missin’ from the hood years ago. A creepy little movie rich in subtle Sam Hain atmosphere, this sucker’s worth a watch, but don’t expect any help understandin’ the outrageous endin’ ‘less you except this story takes place in a world where super powered mutants exist. Rat poison delicacies, leg breakin’, stair fallin’, masked home invadin’, nightmare sequences, blood splatterin’ kills, secret hidey holes, Rapunzel escapin’, leg clawin’, pumpkin patch graveyards, pumpkin smashin’, discipline basement dungeons, S.O.S. art, blood vomitin’, decapitatin’, wall crawlin’, and bullyin’! 3/5!

MEG 2: THE TRENCH (2023)

Most the oceanographers from the first flick continue their exploration of the Mariana Trench and its prehistoric dangers, but things go terribly sideways when they’re surprised by a hostile takeover with a secret minin’ operation in the Trench that accidentally unleashes a whole food chain of megalodons and their competin’ predators on unsuspectin’ beach resorts. More of an action vehicle fer Jason Statham to perform endless super human feats than a sharkploitation flick, this follow-up popcorn sequel cranks up the schlock and delivers an even bigger fun filled creature feature adventure on par with the original Jurassic Park trilogy. Slammed with likable heroes ‘gainst CGI beasts from the deep and Joe Schmoe villains who get their comeuppance with a few laughs and legit scary scenarios peppered throughout, I’d like a little more gore fer my money given the kill count’s mostly comprised of folks bein’ eaten, but — fun fer the whole family sells more tickets, right? Doggie dino packs, t-rex lunches, dinos eatin’ dinos, spy stuff, helicopter rescues, explodin’ CGI critters, giant octopuses, captive megs in trainin’, explodin’ heads, deep sea diver snacks, paddle boat meals, explodin’ spear huntin’ on a jet ski, shoot ’em up action, turncoat employees, underwater hikes, face attackin’ sea worms, attempted drownin’, conveyor belt fightin’, shipwrecked at the bottom of the ocean, saboteurs, zero doggie deaths, and some shoddy soundin’ science talk ’bout folks bein’ able to swim all natural under 7 miles of ocean! 4/5!

KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP aka DEADLY WATER (2006)

In this made fer TV flick, it’s a race fer a sunken Trojan treasure off the Canadian coast ‘tween a rag tag team of antique hunters and a greedy mobster, but a giant CGI squid aims to level the playin’ field ‘fore anyone lays a finger on that booty. While this ain’t the most excitin’ movie I’ve ever seen and the focus is more on the mobster drama than the killer squid scares, this is a respectfully made movie with competent actors carryin’ an easy to follow story. It’s middle of the road entertainment at best, but there’s one wince worthy scene of a skipper bein’ beheaded, and I couldn’t stop hecklin’ the fella lookin’ fer “answers” to his parents’ death at sea he blames the squid fer as if he’s gonna interrogate the thing or hope to find their decade ol’ bones in the squid’s hidey hole or somethin’. Randomly inserted squid kills, revenge plots ‘gainst sea creatures, decapitatin’, overboard buffets, shots to the gut, and lotta squid pups! 3/5! 

EQUINOX (1970)

When a picnic obsessed double date turns into a hunt fer a missin’ professor in the canyons of the California forest, they’re literally handed a book of evil by a screwball in a cave and play keep away from Satan himself who sends stop motion monsters to retrieve the unholy tome. A slow burn creature feature told through one movie long flashback ya gotta endure to enjoy, this ain’t the most thrillin’ flick I’ve ever seen (or the best acted fer that matter), but it’s competently made with a respectful ‘mount of heckle worthy camp. The sweetest hook fer seein’ this sucker are all the monsters comin’ outta the woodwork in the last half, blowin’ me away with how impressive the filmmakers are with their use of forced perspective giants and blurrin’ the lines ‘tween stop-motion and live-action. Devil in disguises, Jolly Green Giants, possessed cars, giant monster apes, mysterious castles cloaked in invisibility, vanishin’ barriers, holy relic freak outs, possessions through rapey kissin’, hypnotizin’ rings, fatal stick pokin’, evil doppelgangers, smelly ol’ books, cacklin’ cave hermit crushin’, larger than life death threats, high flyin’ claymation devils, cabin wreckin’ claymation squids, cave corpses, cemetery infernos, and head knockin’ deaths! 3/5! 

TALK TO ME (2023)

Aussie teens come in possession of a medium’s embalmed hand that allows ’em to talk and even be temporarily possessed by the dead and turn it into a social media challenge, but one classmate’s turn invites a spirit so evil, it sticks ’round to bring ’em nothin’ but self destructive torment. A brilliant combo of urban legends and Ouija with a pinch of Flatliners that subtly works in the theme of reckless TikTok challenges, this is a solid flick through and through from the cinematography to the actin’ and even the wince worthy violence but unfortunately loses its luster after the first viewin’ with most the movie provin’ pointless thanks to a twist endin’ ripped right outta M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s playbook. Fugly spirits galore, possessin’ galore, head bashin’, arm bitin’, near eye ball poppin’, face smashin’, makin’ out with dogs, horny ghosts, roadkill kangaroos, neck stabbin’s, hellish visions, failed euthanasia attempts, toe suckin’, suicidal head stabbin’s, and dead mama drama! 3/5! 

RENFIELD (2023)

Recognizin’ their toxic relationship for what it is, Dracula’s bug snackin’ henchmen Renfield is ready to call it quits on his master but not before stoppin’ Drac’s latest plot to rule the world with the help of a New Orleans crime family. A fun spin on Universal’s version of the most infamous blood sucker ’round, this is a top shelf lookin’ flick that more or less hits all the story beats of a well thought out script with clever jokes like Dracula gainin’ entrance to an apartment with nothin’ more than a doormat readin’ “Welcome.” There’s plenty of character driven moments that give the cast an opportunity to shine, unfortunately, everyone’s dialogue’s written as stiff as a first draft pass and begs fer more meaningful nuances to give gravity to their performances in such a fast pace action horror comedy. Only thing more sour than not allowin’ Nicholas Cage to chew up scenes as Nosferatu is the abundance of CG blood over practical plasma. Shame! Arm severin’ with dinner plates, bar massacres, rejuvenation effects, matchstick vamps, inside out explodin’, head rippin’, bug ‘roids, creepy crawler snortin’, skeleton shatterin’, blood spewin’, crispy puppets, telepathy, apartment complex massacres, kidnappin’, support group mulligans, magic healin’ fanger blood, nods to 1931’s Dracula, neck bitin’, dirty cops galore, hand piercin’, fang rippin’, flyin’ bloodsuckers, loud mouth cops, cocaine throwin’, crook chasin’, protective cocaine circles, foot shootin’, and total body destruction! 3/5!   

MY SCIENCE PROJECT (1985)

With a science project standin’ ‘tween him and his high school diploma, a young gearhead stumbles ‘cross a scrapped piece of u.f.o. buried in a military junkyard he thinks will pass him with flyin’ colors, but when he shows it off to his hippie teacher, the walls ‘tween space and time break down as the past and future collide in a free for all brawl through the school halls. A fun concept with likeable ‘nough characters pitted ‘gainst loveable ’80s effects from an overload of cartoon energy beams to full fledge dino puppets, my only problem with this flick is it packin’ all the sci-fightin’ action in the backend ‘stead of pepperin’ it throughout the runtime to help escalate the stakes better and break-up the heavy character development dominatin’ the first half. I also wish the purpose of the space doodad was clearer. It’s bafflin’ why the government immediately dismisses the spaceship in the openin’ set-up like it’s some illegally parked jallopy in a handicap space, and even more confusin’ why they carelessly dismantle it down to its MacGuffin component that starts all the trouble fer our heroes with no real explanation what it ever is. The science teacher guesses it might be some kinda intergalactic engine, but the way the teens keep jumpin’ it with power like an ol’ clunker ‘, it could be ’em mishandlin’ an alien coffee maker fer all I know. Hot roddin’, mechanical breakdowns, vandalism with Star Wars disguises, racin’ with lightnin’, explodin’ power lines, time tunnels in the sky, stabbin’s, shootin’ galore, t-rex fightin’, gladiators, ambushin’ Neanderthals, Vietnam brawlin’, mutants gangs from the future, lasers, time travellin’, police station escapin’, trespassin’, boombox explodin’, and flip floppin’ ‘tween dimensions! 3/5!

THE MEG (2018) stiff, however,

When research scientists dip into the Mariana Trench like the deep end of an everyday swimmin’ pool, a prehistoric megalodon follows ’em back to civilization, and it’s up to Jason Statham and his rag team of oceanographers to kill it ‘fore it chows down all China’s beach tourists. Big budget schlock with top shelf talent, this sharkploitation flick takes itself too seriously to be as nutty as its more outrageous predecessors like Shark Attack 3 or Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus but is still fun ‘nough to watch with reel to reel popcorn action keepin’ me engaged with little story to get in the way of the plot. Terrific cast of characters, beautiful cinematography, spectacular effects and major kudos to the filmmakers fer comin’ up with an all new way fer folks to beat a shark at its own game! Deep sea wrecks, light flashin’, remote control balls, dead whales, shark buffets, guttin’, explosions galore, zero dog deaths, beach massacres, sci-fi sea pod fightin’, eye gougin’, folks swallowed whole, American tunes turned Asian, boogie boardin’ without a boogie board, massacres at sea, dino-shark huntin’, deep sea rescuin’, plastic shark cages, and tracer shootin’! 4/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN (2020)

A corn farmin’ town is on the brink of economic collapse thanks to corporate toxins ruinin’ their soil, and when the adults decide it’s best to cut their losses and purge the crops, their town proud young’ns rebel with an all-out massacre in the name of “He Who Walks” while keepin’ a close eye on the young borderline adults itchin’ to undermine ’em. A loosely updated interpretation of the first Children of the Corn flick that puts all the focus on the kiddie cultists’ drama durin’ their overthrow of the town, the filmmakers put a lot o’ effort into elevatin’ this latest Corn flick with eco-horror themes and social commentary on generational feuds fer good measure but fail to deliver an entertainin’ movie I’d ever care to see ‘gain. The cinematography’s great and buddin’ performers like Elena Kampouris and Kate Moyer are actin’ their guts out, but there just ain’t ‘nough levity or well executed scares here to be anythin’ fun or memorable outside the inclusion of an actual CGI corn creature. Hangin’s, plank walkin’, fire trails, live burials galore, knock-out gassin’, stabbin’s, accidental orphanage massacres, kidnappin’, strung up boars, blood paintin’, town hall fightin’, Alice in Wonderland nods, maze infernos, folks ripped in half, cornfield corpses, Twilight Zone nods, campy-as-hell eye gougin’, chainsaws, bows and arrows, explodin’ junkers and barns, and human sacrifices to CG monsters! 3/5!

THE FLOOD (2023)

A gang of mercs try bustin’ one of their own out a prison transport takin’ refuge from a hurricane in a little Louisiana sheriff’s station, but plans get messy when the building’s flooded with hungry CGI gators. A respectable ‘nough production with some effort ‘hind it from the sets to the gator effects, this is lukewarm entertainment at best with a buncha one dimensional yahoos bitchin’ at each other the whole movie with wishy washy tension. Nothin’ terrible, but I’d never care to see it ‘gain. Police station shoot ’em ups, severed arms, silly lookin’ death rolls, ‘lotta human meals, psyche-out rescues, ceilin’ crawlin’, jet ski escapes, stabbin’s, gator messin’, and jailhouse brawlin’! 3/5! 

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964)

Toxic waste transforms a watery grave of fishermen stiffs into gill face zombies with mouths full of hot dogs, and only a local scientist has any chance figurin’ out how to stop ’em ‘fore they guzzle the blood of every beach partyin’ yahoo. A horror musical ya gotta see to disbelieve, rather than weavin’ a monster movie through a Beach Blanket Bingo scenario with surfin’ and bikini bottoms somehow savin’ the day, the filmmakers essentially slapped two genres together with very little crossover, kickin’ the first half off with non-stop beach diddy antics ‘fore switchin’ to total B monster mayhem halfway through. It’s fun schlock at best but could have been waaay better if the criminally flat characters were given even the tiniest of a story arc. Only thang more disappointin’ is the scientist’s voodoo housemaid not lendin’ her hoodoo more to the defeat of the gawky beastoids from the drink. As many as six beach tunes includin’ the Zombie Stomp, girl camp massacres, breakdown massacres, girls galore covered in smears of blood, unexpected make-up gore, maulin’ monsters, beach brawlin’, biker gang violence, dancin’ galore, monstrous montages, decayin’ zombie flesh, explosive sodium defenses, cavernous showdowns, fastforward stalkin’, drunk drivin’ wreckin’, drunk blood drinkin’, and voodoo dolls! 2/5!  

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976)

An alcoholic waitress can’t suppress her childhood memories of her dead father sexual abusin’ her anymore, and she slips in and out of some kinda hateful horny haze that leaves a mutilated trail of TV famous corpses ‘cross LA. More psychological bullshit than horror, this sucker tries really hard to be some heady piece of artsy grimness but simply fails to entertain all ’round. There’s not one likeable character, scenes drag, the story’s edited in such a way the timeline’s hard to follow, and there’s a total absence of video nasty gore save one impressively graphic throat slittin’. All this time waster has goin’ fer it is one of the most badass posters I’ve ever seen, and an openin’ fantasy scene featurin’ some of the most laughable muscle man deaths EVER committed to celluloid! Belly tattooin’, wrist breakin’, penis severin’, throat slittin’, blood covered sheets, young’n rapin’, naked papas ambushes in the closet, sleepy overdosin’, pill poppin’, shoot ’em up break-ups, dirty flashbacks, gang bangs gone femme fatale, and one of the few times character actor Buck Flower didn’t play a bum or a hick! 2/5! 

INSIDIOUS: THE RED DOOR (2023)

Triggered by the death of the Lamberts’ grandma and some college art exercises, Josh and Dalton’s hypnosis to forget their terrifyin’ encounter with The Further nine years ago starts wearin’ off, and as they rediscover their power to astral project, all too familiar demons from their past ‘ttempt to possess their bodies once ‘gain. A solid flick all ’round, the only sours I find with this latest entry in the Insidious series is it’s failure to bring anythin’ new to the table. A bit more of Josh’s family history is revealed, and there’s some interestin’ developments in the Lamberts’ family dynamic followin’ their decision to hypnotize their problems away, but there’s nothin’ significant ‘nough to separate this from the first two flicks other than Dalton goin’ to college. It’s the same boogeymen after ’em fer the same reasons as ‘fore, and they’re even defeated by the same loosey goosey rules I can’t help but accept as kinda makin’ sense. Funerals, door crashin’ spooks, microfiche research, lantern defenses, chair pile cages, astral projectin’, vomitin’ ghosts, under the bed boogas, invisible stranglin’, CPR, baby themed frat parties, MRI jump scares, memory game gateways, bleedin’ artists, movie flashbacks, and cameos by the Lin Shaye and her Ghostbusters! 3/5! 

NICK KNIGHT (1989)

A shamed vampire works the night beat as a homicide detective strugglin’ to solve a case of blood drained bums while weanin’ off an iron heavy diet himself, and just as he pegs the perp to be his fang faced creator who returns from his past to steal a museum’s mug used in ancient blood rituals, that exposition heavy plot is completely thrown out the window when it’s revealed an unrelated serial killer is really behind the latest killin’ spree. Well paced action full o’ likeable characters with rocker Rick Springfield deliverin’ a charmingly solid performance, this sucker has all the winnin’ ingredients of a good time, but just trips all over itself in the script department with confusin’ twists and unrealized plots. I thought this whole monster brawl was these yahoos fightin’ over the combined wishin’ power of their collector’s cups or somethin’, but the bad guy randomly destroys his mug halfway through the movie with no consequence to the plot whatsoever. Combine that with the filmmaker’s bafflin’ decision to make a common psycho responsible fer what I assumed was the vampire’s body trail the whole time, it just all ‘comes a hot mess to keep track of by the end. If yer interested in watchin’ a slightly tuned up version of this made fer TV flick, check out the first two episodes of the idiot box series it spawned Forever Knight. Tannin’ bed tolerance tests, hamburger substitutes, mortician sidekicks, binge eatin’ research, monstrous brow transformations, shoot ’em up shoot-outs, high flyin’ electrocutions, family friendly neck bitin’, car trunk hideaways, vampire-vision, bat POV, geezer bum chasin’, and televised sunrises! 2/5! 

STRANGE INVADERS (1983)

An entomologist searches fer his missin’ ex-wife in her rural hometown and stumbles ‘cross a secret society of e.t.s disguised as hicks who will protect their secrets at all costs. Stay fer the special effects and forget the rest! This flick is well shot with lots of cool and disturbin’ effects from aliens tearin’ flesh masks from their mugs like day ol’ spaghetti and folks they abduct bein’ shriveled up into floatin’ balls of light, but the execution of the story itself is just abysmal. Every character is less than convincin’, the pacin’ leapfrogs from one scene to the next, and the story’s geography leaves me a little confused at times. 1950s backstories, spirit balls, gore-tastic young’n effects, head bashin’, zap happy fingers, explosions galore, spaceships, underground compounds, and happy endin’s all ’round! 2/5! 

WITHIN THE ROCK (1996)

Miners are tasked with blowin’ an asteroid off its collision course with Earth, but their timetable to save the world is threatened when their heavy metal drillin’ unleashes an exiled beastoid from ‘nother planet that don’t need oxygen to hunt. An impressive little production makin’ the most with what it’s got, there’s great dynamics ‘mong the restless crew that make fer nice tension once the rubber suit monster comes into the picture, but scenes quickly feel repetitive with the limited number of sets restrictin’ most the action to talkin’ and drillin’. Luckily, the sweets outweigh the sours, and that’s thanks to the filmmakers creatin’ such a badass lookin’ monster with more backstory than most killers from space get. Drillin’ galore, atmosphere generators, regeneratin’ e.t.s, alien prison boxes, piles of skeletons, platinum lootin’, infected backstabbin’, explosive drill bits, arm severin’, slashin’, fatal drillin’, monstrous maulin’, and interstellar explosions! 3/5! 

SLUGS (1988)

When construction for a mall begins on an ol’ toxic waste dump, leaked pollution mutates the local slug population into flesh hungry sewer creatures out to gobble everyone up through their plumbin’ ‘less the health inspector can stop ’em with the help of the sanitation department. One of the more off-the-wall creature features from the ’80s, this heavily dubbed sucker packs all the sweets with naked ladies, over the top hamburger meat gore, and scrappy heroes fightin’ impossible odds oozin’ from beneath the streets of their small town. In fact, they fight so hard, they blow up half the town in one helluva finale I’m sure will get ’em more jail time than it will keys to the city. Only sour worth mentionin’ is the curious addition of a Halloween party which lasts all o’ five minutes with nothin’ more than a pumpkin and one partier wearin’ a mask (and that was just so he could try and rape a poor well-to-do teeny bopper who suffers one of the saddest fates in the movie despite her morally upright choices!). Totally unnecessary and FAR from qualifies this as a Halloween movie in my book. Dinners with folks’ heads bein’ eaten inside out by slug parasites, slug salads, bonin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, toilets overflowin’ with slugs galore, sinks full o’ slugs, gloves with slugs, explodin’ greenhouses, horned up teen slug meals with boobs and eyeballs, male asses, guinea pig slug meals, bloody skeletal remains, severed hands, sewer hikin’, poo water splashin’, slug squishin’, chemical warfare, watery deaths, attempted rape, fatal escapes, nose bleeds, and ‘lotta slime trails! 4/5! 

CROWHAVEN FARM (1970)

After Maggie inherits an ancestral farm, she and her husband find ’emselves in the thick of an elaborate revenge plot led by a coven of ghost witches believin’ she’s the 20th century reincarnation of a traitor who cursed their afterlives after backin’ outta deal with the devil fer a baby. A slow burnin’ drama without alotta entertainment value, this TV flick boasts a well thought out story ripe with that all too familiar trope of the suspicious woman’s paranoia bein’ dismissed every which way by family and friends but lacks any style or pizzazz (much less special effects) to elevate it beyond TV broadcast filler fer a rainy afternoon. Previous life flashbacks, sacrificial circles, fatal freefalls, neck breakin’, devilish bite marks, geezer deaths, jealous driven shotgun assassinations, fatal supernatural fender benders, reincarnations, evil young’ns, psych-out deaths, witch huntin’ confessionals, and crushin’ folks with rocks! 2/5! 

THE INTRUDER WITHIN (1981)

Ancient creatures with bafflin’ lifecycles from an untapped ocean trench are unEarthed by an oil rig and slowly (very slowly) attack the roughnecks onboard with Alien inspired puppets and guys in monster suits. A TV movie with some production value behind it, this small screen feature has a decent ‘nough beginnin’ and end, but suffers from a sour filled middle of wonky paced start-and-stop dangers with razor thin tension. But if ya tolerate a few repetitive head scratchin’scenes of toxin laced monster eggs turnin’ crew members into horned up madmen who may or may not be host to some kinda beastly intelligence, some unlucky gal finally gives birth to a rubber mutoid in the last reel, and that’s when things really ramp up fer her co-workers! Fatal freefalls, creature egg hatchin’, eel-like monster puppets, maulin’, microwave monsters, monstrous births, explosions, nutball infections, and undressin’ ladies! 2/5!

THE BLACKENING (2023)

It’s Juneteenth, and a drama filled reunion party ‘mong black college friends in the sticks gets hijacked by a masked killer who forces them to play a racy game of black trivia with their lives as the prize. Essentially Saw in black face, this top-shelf comedy boasts a great line-up of root worthy characters fightin’ some memorable odds with colorful humor for everyone, but these sweets aren’t without their sours. Toward the middle, the friend drama overshadows the survival horror as the killer’s game is reduced to simple Tom and Jerry antics, and the tension is completely lost thanks to an insignificant body count ‘mong the victims. Luckily, the horror gets back on track ‘fore everythin’s said and done, and the story pulls itself back together for a tense chuckle of a satisfyin’ endin’. Crossbow shootin’ galore, bolts to the neck and head, drug induced hallucinatin’, Molly poppin’, creepy board games, fake out deaths, Kool-Aid remedies, psychic eye language, vomitin’, kidnappin’, trap doors, shoulder injurin’, and fatal freefalls down a well! 3/5!

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977)

When shady land developers haul a boat load of potential suckers to check out beach front property on a remote island, they somehow missed the big-ass colony of mutated ants that had taken over the area and its residents and are chased by larger than life bug props from one bad situation to the next. A fast paced creature feature with some of the most impressive pre-CG effects that continue to amaze me to this day with how the filmmakers manage such a seamless blend ‘tween live action and special effects, this is simply a fun popcorn flick to turn yer brain off to. While it does kinda spin its wheels in the middle with a somewhat repetitive chase through the sticks, the finale is one of the most memorable scenes when the remainin’ survivors discover the ants’ headquarters is a sugar factory the queen uses to enslave the town folk with pheromones. Prospector maulin’, attemptin’ rape, mind controllin’, mini-ant documentaries, flare defenses, swamp boat rides, toxic waste barrel origins, sugar highs, factory massacres, explosions, green screen effects, puppet effects, stop motion effects, and speed boat getaways! 4/5! 

RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (2007)

Cutthroat treasure hunters are trapped in the haunted walls of the abandoned Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute for the Criminally Insane while searchin’ fer an infamous relic responsible for all the mangled spooks after ’em, and their only hope fer gettin’ out alive is a previous survivor’s sister they haphazardly kidnapped fer flimsy details on the joint. A solid movie all ’round but nowhere near as cool as the previous House on Haunted Hill with its Marilyn Manson themed party atmosphere full of engagin’ characters fightin’ off creatures from a Tool music video. No, this sucker features a pretty mediocre cast of victims with only 1-2 standouts grabbin’ my attention, a forgettable soundtrack, and fairly repetitive scares from beginnin’ to end with alotta handsy ghosts. Definitely worth a watch, especially if you get yer hands on a hard copy of the movie with its interactive “Choose Your Adventure” viewin’ option fer lettin’ home audiences decide what actions characters take, but it’s mostly whether or not they should answer prank calls from booga-boos or resist their seductive advances. Head impalin’ on movie projectors, supernatural make-out sessions, heart rippin’, drownin’, stabbin’s, shootin’ galore, model shoots with boobs, undead mobs, dunk tank therapies, face removin’, drawn and quartered with haunted sheets, limb severin’, ghost boobs, explodin’ henchmen, folks ripped in half, haunted chair and fridge droppin’, horny ghosts, head crushin’ and bashin’, incinerated spooks, and Jeffrey Combs returnin’ fer waaay more screen time as Dr. Vannacutt! 3/5! 

THE HAUNTING OF PATRICIA JOHNSON aka THE UNINVITED aka VICTIM OF THE HAUNT (1996)

A family unknowingly moves into a haunted house, and the mom’s gotta save her kids from the ghost of a child killer ‘fore her dismissive trucker of a husband locks her up in the loony bin fer her own good. A Poltergeist copycat through and through from the help of a psychic lady to a secret cemetery in the backyard, this supposed “true story” isn’t as big budget as Tobe Hooper’s flick, but delivers a solid TV movie with convincin’ performances ‘gainst respectable ‘nough special effects that culminate in an all-too familiar light show finale with big bad spooks. The film has one definin’ difference from its obvious source material, however, and that’s the parent’s feud over the husband’s refusal to investigate his wife’s supernatural claims, which wraps up with a happy endin’ I find hard to swallow. If my lover betrayed me with a call to the fellas in white, you bet yer ass we ain’t stayin’ together much longer! Rainbow orb light shows, ghost young’ns, near splish-splash deaths, floatin’ young’ns, supernatural whirlpools, drownin’s, floatin’ CGI faces, supernatural sassin’, toy possessin’, suburban light shows, psychic rescues, rubber room escapin’, door rattlin’, and trick eggs! 3/5!

DARK TOWER (1987)

When bodies start droppin’ at a new skyscraper in Spain, a clairvoyant security consultant’s investigation reveals they’re casualties in a vengeful spirit’s on-goin’ attempt to kill his former wife, the buildin’s architect. This sucker grabs my interest with a decent ‘nough premise performed by horror actors I really enjoy, but it’s really rough ’round the edges. This slow burn has a wonky way of pepperin’ in key details like the security consultant bein’ psychic or the dead architect bein’ a bad husband in his former life, the audio quality’s fer shit, and the editin’ feels like a first pass with alotta elevator shaft footage fer filler. The sweetest part is when the dead husband returns as an reanimated corpse from his concrete tomb at the very end. Fatal freefalls while window washin’, semi-confusin’ elevator deaths, possessin’, shoot ’em up lobby massacres, paranormal investigators, electrocutin’, explodin’ walls and doors, screwdrivers to the leg, psychic tests, impalin’, live burials, reanimated corpses, psychic visions, and ghost-o-vision! 2/5!

THE BOOGEYMAN (2023)

Not to be confused fer the mirror menace in The Boogeyman 1-2 (1980) or the closet creature produced by Sam Raimi in Boogeyman 1-3 (2005), this is Stephen King’s take on the Boogeyman as a kinda shadow dwellin’ spider demon who feeds off a damaged family’s misery over the loss of their mama as it plots the best time to eat the grievin’ young’ns. A likable ‘nough family ‘gainst a memorable ‘nough CGI monster, this emo fueled flick has all the ingredients fer a solid watch full of jump scares and emotional weight but not ‘nough levity or comradery ‘mong its characters to make it as entertainin’ as it could be. The best part is when the youngest daughter is rushed to the ER after the monster hurls her little body at the TV she’s playin’ video games on. With the dad not fully onboard with the boogeyman as a real threat just yet, it’s hysterical how the filmmakers avoid the obvious conversation that would take place. “Sweety, can you tell daddy why you felt the need to throw yourself at the TV?” Offscreen baby eatin’, tooth yankin’, ceilin’ climbin’, sucker bait trappin’, shotguns galore, hangin’s, home invadin’, therapy sessions, boogeyman hunters, ghost moms, house fires, bullyin’, face slappin’, scaredy pees, spoiled lunch smooshin’, shapeshiftin’, basement showdowns, networks of supernatural web stains, flamethrowin’ hairspray defenses, flamin’ monsters, and scary doodles! 4/5! 

CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED (1964)

British doctors want to study a meltin’ pot of prepubescent geniuses from ’round the world with the same mysterious origins but instantly regret that decision when the mind controllin’ brats fortify themselves in an abandoned chapel with a weaponized church organ their government leaders gotta have. A loose sequel to Village of the Damned (1960) without the trademark hair, this less than thrillin’ follow-up is a drag of a watch with alotta stiff actin’, limited scenery, and long winded dialogue scenes heavily relyin’ on Ron Goodwin’s score to keep things somewhat entertainin’. Other big sours are the filmmakers not acknowledgin’ the events of the first flick and holdin’ off the young’ns’ trademark stares ’til the last half of the movie. At least they expanded the tiny terrors’ powers a bit and more-or-less made it clear their victims don’t always have to lock peepers with ’em to be mind controlled. Speed buildin’ block challenges, coerced suicides, embassy massacres, explosions and gunfire galore, resurrectin’, dog shootin’, mind controlled gunmen, young’n exterminatin’, mind splittin’ church organs, auntie henchwenches, mutant lab mice, neck stabbin’, stranglin’, bullets to the face, horny scientists, and hateful mamas! 3/5!

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1960)

After a remote village experiences a mysterious faintin’ spell, a shockin’ number of women find themselves expectin’ mamas and simultaneously give birth to an other worldly race of mentally superior young’ns the British government spends years debatin’ whether or not to kill ‘fore they divide and conquer the world with their mind control. While they ain’t the scariest example of tike-sized evil ever committed to celluloid when compared to that reality alterin’ hell-raiser from the Twilight Zone or the homicidal rugrats from Bloody Birthday, these fair haired brats with the piercin’ stare still come off a formidable threat with their hive mind antics invadin’ folks’ thoughts while forcin’ ’em to commit fatal acts. As iconic as this flick is, however, I still have gripes with understandin’ whether or not one has to actually look these holier-than-thou kiddies from the stars in the eyes to fall under their control, and the piss poor jumps in the story’s timeline. It’s mentioned the young’ns are growin’ a little fast, but without any obvious transitions, just how fast? Is this story happenin’ over a couple of years or 10-11? I mean, if a decade’s passed, the filmmakers did a terrible job showin’ the passage of time in the town much less the townsfolk themselves. Faintin’ dogs, canaries, and cows, plane crashin’, tractor crashin’, bus wreckin’, coerced vehicular suicide, arms in pots of boilin’ water, bully on bully action, brick wall defenses, kickballs to the head, coerced shotgun suicides, human matchsticks, angry mobs, lotta war room yappin’, and explosions! 4/5!

VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995)

After a remote town experiences a mysterious faintin’ spell, a shockin’ number of women find themselves expectin’ mamas and simultaneously give birth to an other worldly race of mentally superior young’ns the government spends years debatin’ whether or not to kill ‘fore they divide and conquer the world with their mind control. John Carpenter’s near verbatim remake of the original Village of the Damned, this flick’s simply an updated version with all the same sweets and sours the 1960 version had. Like its predecessor, this movie pulls me in with an interstin’ ‘nough premise of evil offspring but bugs me with the same murky rules fer whether or not victims can simply avoid the young’ns’ hypnotic stares to prevent bein’ manipulated, and the piss poor time jumps confusin’ me if this is all happenin’ over a decade or less. With only a few minor changes to distinguish this version from the original, the biggest is the decision to give the women a more prominent role in the town’s survival ‘gainst these faired haired dictators in trainin’. As for this bein’ a John Carpenter movie, the master of horror plays it incredibly safe with his score bein’ the only recognizable trademark of his ‘long with a handful of his go-to actors in bit parts. Faintin’ dogs and cows, fatal fender benders, barbequed corpses, arms in pots of boilin’ water, coerced cliff jumpin’ suicides, coerced shotguns suicides, coerced kamikaze soldiers, explosions, dead e.t. babies, coerced self-autopsies, coerced eye stingin’, eye doctor mishaps, mass baptizin’, baby stealin’, mass birthin’, human matchsticks, angry mobs, and lessons in emotions! 4/5!

AUNTIE LEE’S MEAT PIES (1992)

Karen Black loves Satan, her meltin’ pot of killer centerfold nieces, and runnin’ a boomin’ pie business with human remains as the secret ingredient, but loose ends may be her undoin’ as investigations to all ’em missin’ ramblers and deadbeats lead law men to her front door. Similar to Motel Hell but nowhere near as cohesive, this cannibal flick’s bustin’ with sweets like beaucoup eye candy, a grab bag of laugh-out-loud kills, and familiar mugs from hits like The Hills Have Eyes and Karate Kid, but doesn’t deliver the kind of gory TnA I’m hopin’ fer while sufferin’ from the sours of a scattered script without anyone servin’ as the movie’s point of view ‘mong its ensemble of flat personalities. It’s a fun feast of campy entertainment overall, but pretty unsatisfyin’. Peek-a-boo ass cheeks, head stabbin’, awkward dry humpin’ rape, hitchhikin’, bullet through the brain, car wrecks, kidnappin’, trunks full o’ body parts, booby trapped pantries, decapitations, meat hooks through the face, rocker massacres, maulin’ adult babies, neck bitin’, Satan worshippin’, silhouette showers, hands in the garbage disposal, meat grindin’, BDSM-lite, killer set props, stabbin’s galore in the pool, eye gougin’, boobs in the pool, side boobs, snakes, and basement make-out sessions with boobs! 2/5! 

EVIL DEAD TRAP 2: HIDEKI (1992)

A hermit of a projectionist and her reporter friend feud over a lady sniffin’ perv and find themselves on a violent collision course when they learn they each moonlight as serial killers with somethin’ supernatural brewin’ ‘tween ’em regardin’ a dead young’n named Hideki. Arguably a sequel in name only (though I think there’s excuses to loosely connect this Hideki with the one in the first Evil Dead Trap), this is one of the most convoluted stories I’ve ever tried to keep up with. It starts off simple ‘nough with the introduction of the characters’ messed up love triangle and their kinky hang-ups, but completely flies off the rails in the last half with all these confusin’ half-ass explanations to these weirdos’ backstories and homicidal motivations which are either influenced or simply magnified by Hideki’s ghost the perv in specs has some nonsensical relation to. I’d only recommend this to diehard fans of the trilogy. Fatal turn-ons, sloppy lunches durin’ sex with boobs, pregnancy scares, ghost young’n chasin’, snakes, exorcisms, stabbin’s, ovary yankin’, literal blood baths, bodily dismemberments, arm severin’, cat fights, knife fightin’, long winded chase scenes, consentin’ gang bang, and snuff news team parties! 2/5!  

BLOODY MUSCLE BODYBUILDER IN HELL (1995)

When a bodybuilder inherits the house his pop secretly killed a crazy ex-lover in, her angry spirit possesses a psychic and takes revenge on the beefcake and his girlfriend with a night of relentless Evil Dead shenanigans. An obvious home-spun homage to Sam Raimi from Japan, this is one of the most wildly ambitious flicks I’ve ever seen on a shoestring budget. The story’s as straight forward as they come, every special effect trick is taken advantage of from stop-motion to still photo manipulation to deliver a plethora of spooks and boogers, and there’s no fat draggin’ the pace with a run time of 62 minutes. Gore-tastic reel to reel fun that can only be stopped by the bodybuilders’ secret weapon – his muscles! Possessin’, secret burials, two-way TVs from beyond the grave, weaponized barbells, eye stabbin’s, zombie puppets, Play-Doh resurrections, pile of undead body parts, talkin’ heads, karate thwappin’ action, seances, paranormal journalism, shotguns to the face, decapitations with a shovel, mismatch body parts, necklaces squirmin’ in and out of orifices, and new tricks fer suckin’ evil infections out of the possessed victim’s bites! 4/5! 

CLUB DREAD (2004)

It’s party time, and misfit employees of a washed-up singer’s pleasure retreat have to entertain rowdy hedonist guests while figurin’ out the identity of a machete wieldin’ killer with a mysterious vendetta ‘gainst the staff. Comedy is hard, but it’s even harder when tryin’ to follow up the side splittin’ success of a hit like Broken Lizard’s Super Troopers. That’s probably why the filmmakers’ attempt somethin’ as different as their hard R antics mixed with semi-graphical horror, but it doesn’t quite come together with alotta flat sex jokes set ‘gainst mildly interestin’ scares at best. The only ingredient that works is the tension leadin’ up to the killer’s capture. Jimmy Buffet triggers, Pac-Man cosplay, man ass, underwater bangin’ displays, magic pleasure point fingers, gut suckin’ mantras, shoulder hackin’, record spinnin’ decapitations, folks cut in half, vengeful torsos, scary campfire stories with man bush, Jordan Ladd’s boobs ‘tween the sheets, cliff divin’, speed boat wranglin’, parasailin’ crashes, tennis serve defenses, chest carved messages, song lyric riddles, boobs in caves, dopin’, TV in the pool electrocutions, mud bath psych outs, and stabbin’s! 2/5!

TRANSYLVANIA TWIST (1989)

An ol’ coot of a librarian tasks his nephew with retrievin’ an overdue book of evil from a castle in Transylvania, and with the help of a music video rocker, he’s gotta outwit a nest of vampires ‘fore they use the cursed text to summon a recycled rubber monster to rule the world. An admirable horror comedy produced by Roger Corman that can’t quite land the laughs as well as other similar side splitters like Return of the Killer Tomatoes, this poke at horror old and new (fer it’s time mind ya) unfortunately drags more than it entertains. Despite a handful of lukewarm scenes overstayin’ their welcome and a scatterbrained plot, there are some genuine laughs ‘long the way like the fourth wall breakin’ library scene and plenty of familiar faces from horror to keep me watchin’ like Angus Scrimm and Monique Gabrielle to Zontar (It Conquered the World) brought outta retirement to play the big bad beast in the final reel. Seances with Elvis, Freddy Krueger parodies, Jason Voorhees parodies, Leatherface parodies, Pinhead parodies, Tall Man parodies, Exorcist parodies, goo vomitin’, time fillin’ sing songs, explosive music videos, New York cabbies, supernatural possessin’, premature burials, rubber bats, funerals galore, rent-a-weepers, taverns full of angry villager stereotypes, neck bitin’, bloodsuckin’ transformations, blood sprays galore, stakin’, vampire rock shows, end of the world rituals, and recycled footage of Boris Karloff from The Terror! 2/5! 

BURY THE BRIDE (2023)

A gang of clueless stereotypes celebrate their friends’ bachelorette party at a remote desert cabin ‘fore she rushes into a marriage with a redneck they never met, but that soon changes as her mysterious fiancé crashes their she-shed festivities with his drinkin’ buddies who bring one helluva supernatural twist fer the worst. For the most part, this flick is a frustratin’ watch, ’cause it’s such a struggle gettin’ through the first half thanks to the star ensemble of  ladies bein’ so poorly written as a buncha flat personalities missin’ necessary context to help me frame their relationships to each other, all the while refusin’ to wring real answers outta the bride-to-be regardin’ the circumstances ‘hind her marriage. But if ya tough it through all the bullshit of gals partyin’ it up with yoga and shots despite findin’ a goat’s head in the hot tub, you’ll be treated to an almost redeemable surprise akin to From Dusk Till Dawn. Hot tub hidey holes with decapitated goat heads, missin’ ears, bullets to the face, neck bitin’, long winded go-go dancin’ by headlights, monster-ish transformations, slightly hard-to-follow huntin’ schemes, resurrection burials, fatal sunburns, and one of the most memorable sexpots beggin’ to be a victim we’ve ever seen in a horror movie! 2/5! 

EVIL DEAD RISE (2023)

After a young’n finds one of the Book of the Dead volumes in a secret vault below his family’s soon-to-be condemned apartment buildin’, all hell breaks loose on the 14th floor as some cursed mumbo is uttered from its damned pages, trappin’ him and his family with a kill happy deadite that use to be their mama. Top shelf production with a truly committed cast, this is solid filmmakin’ through and through but falls flat as far as story’s concerned. The groundwork for the family and all their quirks is laid out for an emotionally fueled thrill ride with some depth, but it’s completely abandoned for a second act full of non-stop machine gun scare tactics remindin’ me of a buncha haunted house shenanigans spoofin’ exorcism flicks. The filmmakers eventually rise ‘bove this with a sweet parkin’ garage finale that’s a little Evil Dead meets The Thing, but thanks to the last girls feelin’ as underdeveloped as their plot point neighbors who strictly serve the body count, it’s ’bout as excitin’ as watchin’ my amigo beat a boss level in a video game. I know it’s absurd criticizin’ an Evil Dead movie fer character development of all thangs, but this franchise has come a looong from its indie heyday and has the capacity fer bein’ more than just gore porn as the 2013 Evil Dead flick proved. I might be more forgivin’ if the middle of the movie just went balls to the wall like Evil Dead 2 did with the deadites fuckin’ with the family’s perception of reality. Tattoo guns to the face, earthquakes, scalpin’, drones to the face, watery graves, supernatural read alongs, woodchipper fatalities, multi-limb deadites, elevator possessions, limb snappin’, possessions galore, floatin’ attacks, wall climbin’, deadite record players, glass eatin’, human matchsticks, face stabbin’ with scissors, hand stabbin’ with mirror shards, cheese gratered legs, arm stabbin’ with knives, blood vomitin’, goo vomitin’, cursed records, A/C ambushin’, face leakin’, eyeball spittin’ and eatin’, neck rippin’, shotguns to the legs, elevators explodin’ with blood, chainsaws to the face, and showers of blood! 4/5! 

BLOODBATH AT THE HOUSE OF DEATH (1984)

Strange events have been occurrin’ at Headstone Manor since 18 folks were slaughtered one infamous night, and much to the dismay of the local e.t. worshippin’ cult, a comical gang of British scientists take it upon ’emselves to crash the estate and find out why with laughable consequences. A mild comedy with consistent gags and zing ‘hind its special effects, this flick ain’t terrible but could be better if the filmmakers spent just a hair more time developin’ the meat of the story. Like what exactly has been goin’ on since the murders that brought these supernatural eggheads here? Is this really all ’bout demonoids from space bein’ super sensitive over folks trespassin’ on their property? Instead of folks huntin’ fer supper most the runtime, couldn’t we see more paranormal investigatin’ actually bein’ done ‘fore everyone’s deaths are rushed in the last reel? Nothin’ major, mind ya, but just ‘nough so the most memorable parts ain’t just a topless blonde bein’ banged by an invisible devil, and a fella yanked down the shitter. Folks melted by lightnin’, crispy corpses, demonoid doppelgangers from space, neck bitin’, mole poppin’ rat puppets, literal bloodbaths, blood drenched walls, evil meat pies, fake leg electrocutions, body horror farts, knives to the face through phones, questionable suicidal strangulations, psych-out homicidal hangin’s, explodin’ monks, boobs ‘tween the sheets, decapitations with electric can openers, Carrie nods, E.T. nods, Alien nods, Jaws nods, Rosemary’s Baby nods, gut slingin’ surgeries, satanic tattoos galore, throat slittin, hangin’s, axes to the head, shotgun blasts to the upper body, skewerin’, and Vincent Price splittin’ my funny bone with the line, “You don’t tell me to piss off. YOU PISS OFF!” 3/5!   

FREEZE (2022)

It’s the early 1900s, and a rescue vessel braves artic waters to find a missin’ crew whose mission was to conquer the North Pole but only finds their demented captain who now serves a race of tundra dwellin’ fish mutants he wants to escort back to England for a monstrous invasion. A subtle nod to Lovecraftian lore stuffily performed by obvious thespians of the stage, this is a solid creature feature period piece with a decent mix of characters, respectable set pieces, and okay monster suit actin’ that could stand to be a little more lively. The one sour that totally takes me outta the flick, however, is how unconvincin’ the North Pole is. These yahoos are supposedly huffin’ it through one of the coldest places on Earth while worryin’ ’bout frostbite, yet no one looks the slightest bit cold much less wearin’ gloves or pullin’ their jackets closed fer every bit of warmth they can get. I know the fish men chase ’em off their ship in a hurry, but any sane person who knew the dangers of the artic would still be grabbin’  a hat or some kinda protection ‘fore jumpin’ overboard into that unforgivin’ cold! Stickin’ folks full of dynamite, ancient Lovecraftian books, female stowaways, ship massacres, brawlin’ to accordion playin’, bullets to the head, automatic writin’, first person video game shootin’, leg bitin’, monstrous maulin’, bullet eatin’ suicides, hand severin’, flesh eatin’, monster blood in the eyes, bullets to the chest, and MacGuyvered musket defenses! 3/5! 

FRIGHTMARE (1981)

As soon as one of the last great horror actors, Conrad Razkoff, is laid to rest in his state-of-the-art mausoleum, a fan club of college film buffs steals his corpse and enjoys a Weekend at Bernie’s at his mansion ’til his angry spirit lashes out from hell to damn ’em all fer disturbin’ his eternal rest. A wacky idea fer a movie, this sucker keeps me on my toes with it zig zaggin’ all over the place, ’cause it has no idea what it wants to do. It starts off like Razkoff is plannin’ the greatest performance of his life with some psych-out death prank, but then turns into what I think is gonna be some fatal funeral trap he masterfully orchestrates from ‘yond the grave with the help of his lover. That expectation is quickly dismissed, however, as the story ‘comes this days long house party with his body ‘fore the filmmakers give up and have him suddenly return from hell to blast everybody in the last reel. Totally bonkers, and it doesn’t help the editin’ gets all kinds of confusin’ with the day and night shots leavin’ me to believe folks are up at all hours of the day for the unbelievable three to four days the students party with Razkoff’s meat suit. Tons of potential as a disasterpiece worthy of a better remake. Folks mashed by flyin’ coffins, pillow smotherin’, skylight smashin’, fatal gassin’, explodin’ coffins, video messages from ‘yond the grave, fatal freefalls, resurrections, waltzin’ with the dead, necro-mackin’, tongue rippin’, masquerade dinners, human matchsticks, impalin’ with crosses, grave robbin’, folks stuffed in an incinerator, and a decapitated Jeffrey Combs for bird food! 2/5!

STAR CRYSTAL (1986)

A gang of astronauts escape an explodin’ space station on a ship they were repairin’ and find themselves at odds with a mouth breathin’ stowaway from Mars who turns ’em into lifeless husks in the engine room ’til the remainin’ crew learn to forgive the glowin’ e.t. puppet and help each other go their separate ways. Kind of like a lame Outer Limits version of a classic Star Trek plot, not a lot happens in this slow burn of a cheap sci-fi sleeper. The actin’ ain’t the best, the sets are few and simple, and while the special effects are respectable, the same handful of e.t. shots are lazily recycled to the point of me worryin’ I have a bad case of the deja vus. If you can last ’til the sitcomy endin’ with its comical attempt at tuggin’ at yer heart strings, you’ll be treated to one of the silliest theme songs ever committed to celluloid, “Crystal of a Star” by Indira Stefanianna (the original voice of Daphne from Scooby-Doo). Oxygen deprived massacres, e.t. spewin’ crystals, female voiced computers, funny little doors, long walks on Mars, lasers, pen light map chases, close-up blinkin’ galore, and goo spewin’ tentacle deaths! 2/5!

SLASH/BACK (2022)

Hostile tentacles from space are thawin’ outta the ice near an arctic hole-in-the-wall town, and a rag tag gang of girls have to fight back ‘fore it wears their skins fer disguises to do —– somethin’. An overall solid flick with an interestin’ ‘nough premise ‘gainst some beautifully shot scenery, this e.t. thriller unfortunately suffers from a so-so acted ensemble of interchangeable characters with little to no distinction to ’em and a stagnant escalation of inconsistent danger compounded by laughable lack of tension. Once a little girl comes outta alien bear attack unscathed, I’m no longer invested in these gals’ safety, ’cause they seem pretty invincible compared to the adults gettin’ killed in the same type of attacks these young’ns are brushin’ off. Best part is how the girls never have an end game strategy for takin’ down these freaky lookin’ Leatherface contortionists but happily take credit fer their “defeat” after the mother e.t. peaces out on its own accord. Shootin’ at fake polar bear imposters, fox puppet attacks, e.t. possessed wildlife, offscreen gore, blood sprays, eye socket tentacles, borin’ adult parties vs lame house parties, floppy limb action sequences, and decapitatin’! 3/5! 

ZAPPER! (2023)

In a race fer ultimate power, a venomous gang of rival big wigs hire banana armed hit men called “zappers” to collect puzzle pieces in a high stakes game to obtain a longboard that can change their psychedelic world of seizure inducin’ rainbows for better or worse. Best described as Andy Warhol’s headfirst plunge into a black light poster of Adult Swim toons after downin’ a handful of acid dipped Skittles, this indie flick is a lot to take in. While the first few minutes feel a little amateur with an assault of style over substance, the story picks up steam after the first hired banana’s death and quickly develops into a fairly entertainin’ round robin of unconventional characters takin’ the audience through an unpredictable world of dinosaur filled bars, flyin’ heads, and weaponized food products. Experimental fun that never takes itself too seriously, this is a flick viewers won’t soon forget ’cause there’s nothin’ else out there like it! Laser firin’ bananas, explodin’ cans of soup, car wrecks, flashin’ light warnin’s, eye rocks, backstabbin’ galore, flyin’ clocks, electrocutin’, ambushin’ “moose” heads, laser pugs, hoola-hoop girls, skin carvin’,  drinkin’ hole massacres, doppelganger showdowns, toy boat smokin’, repurposed sculptures, and green screens galore! 3/5!

DEVIL STORY (1986)

Some guy’s wife stumbles out of their hotel room to investigate a racket in the middle of the night and instantly regrets it as she’s endlessly chased by a possessed horse and a deformed Nazi dressed killer helpin’ his gypsy of a mama give his dullard sister’s hand away in marriage to a toothpaste vomitin’ mummy visitin’ from a toy boat buried in the nearby cliffs. This French flick is beyond ridiculous, Scream Freaks! There’s barely any dialogue, almost zero story save the legend of the monsters, amazingly drawn out death scenes characters will just spring back to life from, and some of the most shameless editin’ I’ve ever seen with endless shots of runnin’ horses, geezers shootin’, meanderin’ cats, and borin’ mountainsides mind numbingly recycled ‘gain and ‘gain to stretch the runtime to a scant hour fifteen minutes. There’s a few good laughs mind ya, like the wife accidentally fallin’ into an open grave or findin’ the strength to impale an attacker on a loose cemetery gate after she couldn’t shake their feeble grip off her boot, but they’re few and far ‘tween. Romantic daytime hikes with mummies, face rippin’, head peelin’, live burial attempts, swallowin’ grounds, scene stealin’ black goats, skippin’ victims, roadside massacres, stabbin’s galore, blood vomitin’ galore, cat footage galore, toy boats, human matchsticks, guts squeezed out like toothpaste, almost no shots shared by a actor and animal, and abysmal car stunts! 2/5!

CRABS (2021)

After rampant radiation in a coastal community mutates horseshoe crabs into killer puppets and kaiju suit actors, a genius cripple fights to keep his town at the top of the food chain with other high school outcasts who help him build a giant monster-mashin’ robot shark outta thin air. As fun and respectable as this comical creature feature is with its pleasant round-up of actors and charmin’ special effects, it’s stopped short of greatness by a wonky paced story with the occasional plot hole, sporadic spurts of escalated dangers, and stiff camerawork. The sour that bothers me most (other than underutilizin’ the amazin’ actin’ chops of Jessica Morris) is the conflictin’ brands of humor with the filmmakers tryin’ to make this a grounded chuckle like Gremlins (goin’ so far as even mirrorin’ scenes from that obvious influence) the same time they’re introducin’  slapstick nonsense like Better Off Dead (the whiz kid literally throwin’ hammers ’round his garage ’til the tech used in his robot legs is reconfigured into a big ass battle bot). Might work in more masterful hands, but not here. Bangin’ on the beach, face maulin’ with buckets of blood, blue blood gore, downtown massacres, Gremlins bar scene nods, human puppets, monstrous transformations, foreign exchange student warriors, dead cat dissectin’, black market power cores doublin’ fer lasers, short circuitin’ exo-frames, stoned monster sightin’s, garage massacres, mercy killin’s, and a brief prom scene stuck in the middle of the movie! 3/5! 

SCREAM 6 (2023)

Sam moves to the Big Apple to keep a protective eye on her sister and the rest of the survivors from the requel attendin’ their freshman year in college, but she learns no matter where she goes, she can’t escape her infamy as Billy Loomis’ daughter when a new team of vindictive Ghostface killers foolishly announce ’emselves as her soon-to-be executioners fer what happened in Woodsboro. Continuin’ the self-aware remake/sequel tropes begun in the last flick, the series now enters its franchise rules phase and treads familiar plot points from Scream 2. Less pretentious and contrived than the previous film, Scream 6 is a more enjoyable time reflectin’ on the series and its many slashers in Batman rogues gallery fashion with a nice mix of returnin’ characters from past movies keepin’ me on my toes for who’s a potential killer or victim, and the results are surprisin’ and disappointin’ all at once. The real sour fer me, though, is the reveal of the killer(s) which brings into question the physical power Ghostface displays when knockin’ big ass doors down or scarin’ an apartment full of abled bodied scaredy cats from easily takin’ ’em down in one collective swoop. After seein’ so many folks survive a bajillion stabbin’s already, what are they ‘fraid of? Serial killer shrines, murder weapon collections, disembowelin’, fatal freefalls from ladders, mouth stabbin’s, alleyway ambushes, refrigerated dismemberments, stabbin’s galore, home invadin’, bedroom massacres, shotguns to the face, convenient store massacres, mask clue crumbs, eye stabbin’, double team stabbin’s, TVs to the face, and reflective daddy visions! 3/5!

THE INHABITANT (2022)

A high schooler named Tara learns she might be havin’ alotta violent thoughts ’cause she’s related to the infamous Lizzie Borden and hopes she’s not the one hackin’ folks up ’round town lately. The filmmakers obviously do their best to present a cinematic lookin’ movie with actors skilled ‘nough to carry this character driven horror, but the script and pacin’ miserably drag it all down to a lukewarm watch devoid of any urgency or tension. Instead of Tara rushin’ to discover the truth ’bout her twisted family lineage full of spooks or demons or whatever while desperately stayin’ a step ‘head of the cops suspectin’ her as a slasher, it feels like she has all the time in the world to figure out her situation without a single worry, makin’ fer a snooze of a watch. And even worse, this is set ’round Halloween which has no relevance to the plot whatsoever and even carries over into November. The hell?! Hackin’ galore, mental family members, nut house visits, family reunion seances, the Lizzie Borden House, supposed hauntin’ spectres, urges to kill babies, and shout out to Leslie Bibb whose performance breathed life back into this movie ‘fore the end credits! 2/5!

BLOOD VOYAGE (1976)

A soap opera’s mix of characters set sail on the high seas to Hawaii on a private boat, but one of the guests is havin’ ‘Nam flashbacks compellin’ ’em to kill everybody. More who’s doin’ it thriller than horror, this borderline slasher delivers the blood, boobs, and bush, but is a pretty humdrum sleeper that only keeps me engage with tryin’ to figure out everyone’s not-so-obvious relationship to each other. Like in the first scene, how am I supposed to tell the doctor’s talkin’ to his step daughter on the phone and not his sneaky wife when she’s gray haired and plottin’ his death with a would-be hit man she’s topless in bed with? Heroine injections, some of the fastest stranglin’ EVER committed to celluloid, more than likely illegal funerals at sea, folks riddled with bullets, stabbin’s, boobs and bush in the shower, mix messages from mental cases, boobs between the sheets, and naked defenses! 2/5! 

COCAINE BEAR (2023)

Lawmen, switch blade punks, and separated families won’t keep ’80s drug dealers from findin’ missin’ gym bags of cocaine in a Georgia state park, but things are more dangerous than they could imagine when a mama bear gets into their stash and tears through the woods in a coked out rage huntin’ fer meat and more booger sugar. Inspired by true events in the loosest way possible, this black comedy slasher of a creature feature just barely lives up to the hype its title generates. The cartoon bear effects ‘long with the pulse racin’ kills are phenomenal, but the majority of the flick is spent with these fragmented clicks of yahoos runnin’ ’round the park with differin’ agendas which makes things feel a little incohesive. Sure, these characters are likable and engagin’, but I just don’t find anyone as funny as the filmmakers obviously meant ’em to be. If there’s ever a sequel, I hope there’s more bear scenes and the comedy’s pushed a lot further. Disembowelin’, leg severin’ galore, road rash facials, ambulance massacres, hand severin’, car wreckin’, head explodin’, ass bitin’, coke eatin’, maulin’ galore, tree climbin’, human road kill, bullets to the gut, finger severin’, restroom beat downs, bear cub beatin’, waterfall jumpin’, accidental hangin’, candy stealin’, fatal sky divin’, ranger station massacres, and coke snortin’ galore! 3/5! 

THE OUTWATERS (2022)

Police review confusin’ found footage of a missin’ gang of yahoos shootin’ an indie music video in the California desert ‘fore mysterious sounds of thunder lead to ’em bein’ mutilated by unexplained forces of a bullshit nature. This is one of the toughest flicks I’ve ever made myself sit through. While it has a semi-coherent start with a bare bones story that unfortunately lacks any characters worth investin’ in much less root fer, its second half is an experience best described as tryin’ to watch a movie through a bag over your head with a pin hole while some loon beats you with a whiffle ball bat to curb their desire to yodel in a kiddie pool full of spaghetti. It’s just relentless nonsense that’s the furthest thing from scary much less entertainin’ as our leadin’ nobody runs ’round in the buff while drenched in blood and dodgin’ the occasional special effect tentacle, all the while capturin’ shitty footage fer no good reason on a camera with infinite battery life. And as if the meaningless finale doesn’t suck ‘nough without any answers fer what I had to endure, the filmmakers add salt to my war wounds with their final guy cuttin’ his dick off fer the sheer hell of it in graphic detail ‘fore the credits roll. This ain’t a film. This is a leftover from one of ’em art installation shows with abstract images playin’ ‘cross a maze of bedsheets. If it weren’t for the somewhat competent use of a camera, I’d give this the lowest score I could. Eerie 911 calls, decapitated heads on sticks, maybe aliens fer all I know, tentacle creatures, some kinda cave monster, mysterious axes, and shadowy figures! 2/5!

FLOAT (2022)

A rocky gang of friends rally fer their annual intertube float down a river to spread their dead pal’s ashes and quickly regret laughin’ off the world’s creepiest groundskeeper’s vague warnin’ of an evil waitin’ to get ’em in the water. Easily one of the dumbest flicks I’ve ever seen, this sucker looks great and sports some decent actin’ but suffers from a terrible script. For starters, the filmmakers never explain what this “evil” in the water is. Somethin’ attacks folks throughout the movie, but it’s never seen or heard, and the fella who’s hellbent on protectin’ this one handful of yahoos fer some reason refuses to give up any explanation fer what it is or where it comes from. The spooked floaters have their own ideas they’re bein’ attacked by their dead buddy’s ghost, but that never weaves into the story in any way that makes sense. All that combined with everyone’s personal dramas that go nowhere, folks’ bafflin’ placid reactions to some pretty intense moments, and the sequence of actions and decision makin’ that separates the group is both comical and frustratin’ fer those of us with common sense. Skip. POV influencer shots, folks impaled on branches, kidnappin’, tripped up head knockin’ on rocks, gooey head smashin’, and ghosts! 2/5! 

REST IN PIECES (1987)

A topless gal and her greedy husband are on a treasure hunt fer a fortune hidden somewhere in her dead aunt’s mansion she inherited, but auntie’s garish ghost ‘long with a buncha weirdo squatters with death certificates have other sinister plans in mind fer ’em. A slow European burn with some laughable actin’ from its leadin’ lady, this sucker downplays auntie’s supernatural scares in favor of more slasher themed action from the freeloadin’ tenants and with a pinch of whodunnit twists to keep things interestin’. Only serious sours worth mentionin’ is the suicide initiation into the homebound cult of walkin’ relics gettin’ too convoluted fer me to follow and the resurrection stuff not makin’ a lick o’ sense in the grand scheme of things. A borderline dud that barely manages to provide heckle worthy entertainment fer a slow night. Monoxide poisonin’, private strings concert massacres, weaponized blind sticks, stabbin’s galore, throat slittin’, goofy faces galore, Nazis, immortal cults, bangin’ ‘tween the sheets with boobs, boobs in the tub, boobs in the pool, psych-out deaths, topless chases, attack dogs, resurrections, turncoat lovers, car wrecks, dark magic assassins, and nonsense cliffhanger endin’s! 2/5! 

KNOCK AT THE CABIN (2023)

Motivated by a shared vision of doomsday, four strangers hogtie a gay couple vacationin’ at a remote cabin and do their best to convince one of ’em to sacrifice himself to prevent the end of days as apocalyptic events unfold on TV with each kidnapper’s supposedly prophetic death. A pretty straight forward end of days flick without any surprisin’ twists or turns, this ain’t one of director M. Night Shyamalan’s best. While there’s technically an escalation of pendin’ doom worldwide, there ain’t alotta tension once it’s established the home invadin’ fanatics are forbidden to hurt the couple and then systematically kill themselves without hesitation. Things would be waaay more suspenseful if there was a desperate wildcard ‘mong the strangers while the plaques hit closer to their location sooner, but the best the filmmakers can do is make us doubt the holy mission fer a mere second when it’s revealed the couple share a backstory with one of their captors that goes absolutely nowhere. Window smashin’, head injuries, bullets to the chest, head smashin’, tsunamis, fallin’ planes, earthquakes, throat slittin’, pandemic diseases, fires, and lightnin’! 3/5! 

SKINAMARINK (2022)

Two young’ns randomly find themselves stuck in their dark house after the windows and doors to outside vanish and fiddle fart ’round wonderin’ where their parents are. This artsy fartsy nonsense has its head so far up its own ass, it’s a classic case of the emperor’s new clothes ‘mong pretentious critics praisin’ it fer its heady approach to deliverin’ cinematic chills. This would work as an experimental short film, but as a full length feature showcasin’ endless shots of shadow saturated walls and ceilings with nothin’ but feet and the back of folks’ heads from time to time as antique toons play in the background is maddenin’ and had me fast-forwardin’ to the end to find out there’s no punch line. Only thang you’ll see worth a damn is a second of a deformed young’n! 1/5!

THE LAIR (2022)

A British fighter pilot is shot down by hostiles in Afghanistan and stumbles ‘cross an abandoned Soviet lab full of monstrous super soldiers crossed with alien DNA she needs the help of an American military post to destroy. A fairly impressive flick with notable nods to John Carpenter’s The Thing, this creature feature boasts ‘nough sweets from its top shelf special effects to its entertainin’ mix of conflictin’ characters fightin’ it out through thoughtfully paced action sequences, but some unknown X factor I can’t quite put my finger on barely prevents it from bein’ somethin’ great. Some critics might pin that on the actors’ gut bustin’ attempts at American accents that sound like poor impressions of Matthew McConaughey and Forrest Gump, but I think it’s the cinematography needin’ to be more creative by just one notch. Plane crashes, parachutin’, human shields, shoot ’em ups galore, monstrous invasions, face rippin’, kleptos, e.t. dissectin’, u.f.o. cover-ups, gut yankin’, explosions, elevator shaft chasin’, car wreckin’, clip art bombs, supposed fish monsters, mad lab massacres, explosive sacrificin’, monstrous tongue lashin’, drain crawlin’, and decapitatin’! 3/5! 

MALEVOLENT (2018)

Against all better judgement, a gal who can see dead people is pressured by her schemin’ brother to perform one of their bogus paranormal investigations for an ol’ woman haunted by dead kids, but things turn nasty when their team of con artists realize their client’s the one who killed ’em. An all ’round decent supernatural flick, this sucker maintains a slow and steady pace but keeps me mildly engage thanks to the actin’. The only sours I have an issue with are how some of the events frustratingly unfold throughout the movie from the investigators’ poorly planned attacks ‘gainst their aggressors to the ridiculous car crash durin’ a near escape that’s the vehicle equivalent of a slasher’s victim constantly fallin’ down durin’ a chase. Mouth sewin’, shovel whackin’, knife whackin’, ghost young’ns, spectral shriekin’, car wrecks, nose bleedin’, bookie beat-downs, kidnappin’, torture basements, and geezer roadkill! 3/5! 

SICK (2022)

Two college gals decide to hunker down in a remote getaway durin’ the height of COVID, but the virus ain’t their only problem when masked killers break-in fer what they believe are justified motives. The thinnest of plots without much of a story featurin’ a buncha flat characters, this is more or less an hour and a half of mildly grippin’ Tom and Jerry antics leadin’ up to a pandemic themed twist that musta inspired this whole thing. Not a terrible flick by any means, but nothin’ special either. Boy toy impalin’, throat slittin’, sneaky home invaders, head bashin’, neck stabbin’, human matchsticks, leg breakin’, car wreckin’, and knock-out face diapers! 3/5!

SNOW FALLS (2022)

A car full of yahoos head to a remote cabin to ring in the New Year, but when the power’s taken out by a bone chillin’ winter storm, one of ’em convinces the rest they gotta stay awake or possibly die in their sleep from hypothermia which leads to fatal hallucinations as the temperature drops. This is one of the dumbest flicks I’ve ever seen. There’s nothin’ unnatural ’bout the weather, there’s no Shyamalama-ding-dong twist with fucked up scientist behind some experiment . . . this is literally ’bout stupid people actin’ like they’ve been dropped in the middle of the Artic and takin’ the worst advice possible from someone whose expertise is never challenged. The most confusin’ part is when some folks start thinkin’ they’ve been infected by bad snow when nothin’s happen to make ’em think such a thing. I know there’s some radio blip ’bout a virus in the first reel, but it never comes to factor into their situation. Well . . . not in a sensible way at least. Bad decisions in spades, freezin’ showers, handsy hallucinations, gut carvin’, snow vomitin’, hand roastin’, snowman terrors, and bare ass corpse-cicles! 2/5!  

TERROR TRAIN 2 (2022)

In this absolutely pointless sequel to a remake no one asked fer, it’s been a year since a college Halloween party derailed into a bloodbath on a train, and the infamous survivors are ready to put the past behind ’em and ring in the New Year on that same locomotive, never suspectin’ a new party crasher is lookin’ to slash ’em all. I’m at a loss fer words why this flick exists. I can see a loose sequel featurin’ a different slasher on a different train with different characters, but to swallow the idea so many of the survivors from the first movie would put themselves in the exact same traumatizin’ situation is just too ridiculous. Even worse, this ain’t any better than the first flick, hittin’ most the same who-dunnit beats full of forgettable kills. Watch it if yer a die-hard fan or that movie buff that’s gotta see everythin’, otherwise, ya might wanna skip this cinematic oddity. Few costumes, murder fans, bad card tricks, livestreamin’ stabbin’s, corpse hidin’, intestine pullin’ with a stick, and lotta offscreen kills! 3/5! 

THEY CRAWL BENEATH (2022)

An earthquake in the California desert traps a cop under a car in a inescapable shed on Thanksgivin’, but while his predicament develops into delusional daddy issues right out of a soap opera, poisonous creepy crawlies are climbin’ up from underground to have him fer lunch. More family drama than monster movie, I appreciate the filmmakers doin’ their best to keep things interestin’ on an emotional level, but I really think more time should have been spent on fightin’ the hand puppet creatures and comin’ up with better reasons than a jammed door to keep this yahoo from runnin’ fer safety once he’s out from under the car. And what the hell with that open’ nightmare of the cop bein’ attacked by the creatures when he didn’t know they existed yet? Was that a recycled deleted scene or somethin’?! Dead puppers, crushed “uncles,” pulsatin’ bite wounds, growin’ discoveries, and bright light defenses! 3/5!

HORROR IN THE HIGH DESERT (2021)

Found footage horror presented as a documentary, a handful of folks painfully drag their feet spillin’ the beans on a missin’ survivalist they learn was really the victim of a deformed hermit in the mountains he sought out for his video blog. Decent filmmakin’ with a believable cast of narrators dishin’ the blow by blow on the fella’s disappearance, this flick really takes its time to escalate what little tension there is for a last minute payoff that just ain’t worth the wait. And where the hell’s the desert? Gift bags with severed hands, drone footage galore, laughable ignorance, toy train enthusiasts, night vision games of cat and mouse! 2/5! 

X (2022)

After seein’ a buncha amateur filmmakers make a porno on her farm, a livin’ wrinkle of a hag ‘comes so sexually frustrated when no one will bang her, she goes on the warpath to catch their breakout talent fer her own sick pleasure while killin’ her horned up co-stars. A wildly absurd premise shot in all seriousness, this sucker has to be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! For such a graphic subject matter, things surprisingly remain tasteful throughout with just ‘nough visual blips and hints to get the intended gist ‘cross, and it’s a fun toss up ‘tween laughs and sheer skin crawlin’ moments of “Eeeeewwww!” Nail impaled feet, eye stabbin’s with pitchforks, backlit dongs, gators, stabbin’s galore, full frontal carcasses, basement dungeons, shotgun blasts to the face, hip breakin’, heart attacks, wrinkle on wrinkle action ‘tween the sheets, submerged cars, surprise snuggle buddies in bed, hand smashin’, head crushin’, and major kudos to Mia Goth fer playin’ the slasher AND the last girl which may be a first! 4/5!

PEARL (2022)

Learn the tragic origins of X‘s killer wrinkle and see the homicidal lengths Pearl takes to escape her life on the family farm in 1918 whether that be by hostile affairs of the heart or throat slittin’ dance competitions. The prequel no one saw comin’, this inappropriately chucklin’ homage to early 20th century movies does a great job bein’ a stand alone watch without its viewers needin’ to know anythin’ ’bout the nutty events in X. Mia Goth is front and center throughout, deliverin’ a character driven smorgasbord of a performance that brilliantly gives me mixed feelin’s fer Pearl as an underdog dreamer with a twisted soul I sympathize fer and am disgusted by at the same time. A unique breed of horror, Pearl has a permanent residence in my noodle forever and always now. Slowly rottin’ pig dinners, suffocatin’, human matchsticks, stabbin’s galore, antique skin flicks, severed head flingin’, bodily dismemberin’ with an axe, duck killin’, gator feedin’, scarecrow humpin’, dead dinner parties, and one of the longest most painful smiles EVER committed to celluloid! 4/5!

TORN HEARTS (2022)

Two hungry country singers callin’ themselves Torn Hearts think they’re one diddy away from stardom if they can convince the remainin’ star of their favorite sister act to come outta retirement and sing a tune with ’em but quickly regret this genius plan as their hard drinkin’ recluse of a hero proves she ain’t playin’ with a full deck on account of her siblin’s suspicious demise. Well acted and shot, this flick watches like a longwinded Tales From the Crypt episode but not quite as fun. The story hooks me with all its thoughtful dynamics as the demented country legend projects her twisted sense of companionship and atonement on Torn Hearts, slowly unravelin’ their quiet drama to the point of ’em throwin’ down like dirty fightin’ alley cats, but the tension feels stuck in second gear most the time ‘stead of givin’ me more dramatic peaks and valleys to keep things interestin’. Tap tap tappin’ GALORE, shotgun firin’ runarounds, liquor guzzlin’, fucked up mind games, pickled body part shrines, severed finger escapes, shotguns to the back, bullets to the chest, neck stabbin’s, and a terrific performance by Katey Sagal as the psycho country star! 3/5!

THE MENU (2022)

Chef Slowik is the epitome of fine cookin’ but has unfortunately lost his passion thanks to the dinin’ experience bein’ ruined by pretentious food critics and passive eaters. Ready to check out of his misery with his cult of line cooks behind him, he invites the worst of these clueless foodies to his private island’s restaurant to serve an ironic menu of just desserts, but one unexpected guest is becomin’ the fly in his soup. The best kind of absurd comedy that surprisingly has nothin’ to do with cannibalism, this wonderfully tense flick is like Chef Gordon Ramsey ‘comin’ a Tick villain with revenge schemes inspired by Midsommar. I’m never quite sure what’s gonna happen next, I can’t get ‘nough of Ralph Fiennes squarin’ off with Anya Taylor-Joy, and I’m scared into an all new appreciation fer anyone servin’ me my grub. Chef kisses all ’round! Garnished bullet eatin’ suicides, hangin’ suicides, finger severin’, neck stabbin’, breadless bread plates, infernos, psych-out coast guards, coal grabbin’, human matchsticks, leg stabbin’s, birthday singin’, games of chase, s’mores themed finales, and cheeseburger ploys! 4/5! 

RAVEN’S HOLLOW (2022)

Did ya know Edgar Allan Poe was in the military fer a hot minute? He simply walked away from it, but this flick gives history a kick in the ass in the name of entertainment and spins yarn ’bout our favorite emo poet bein’ court-martialed ’cause he defied orders while rescuin’ a suspicious hole in the wall town from the terror of a dark supernatural entity known as the Raven. While this sucker’s a little slow fer my taste and unravels a bit of a convoluted mystery I can’t completely follow, it’s still a quality flick from its period production value to its consistently grim atmosphere and stark imagery. Make a drinkin’ game out of all the nods to Poe’s work you can find from the Tell Tale Heart to the The Fall of the House of Usher. Disemboweled sacrifices, scarecrow offerin’s, CGI vomitin’, blood ‘n guts altars, evil doppelgangers, stabbin’s, raven monsters, monstrous transformations, hide-n-seek corpses, bodily explodin’, folks eaten by pigs off screen, and Opium drinkin’ defenses to see through dark magic! 3/5! 

SPIDERS (2000)

A gang of e.t. obsessed college rag reporters have the story of the century drop in their lap when a wrecked space shuttle leads ’em to an underground government bunker full of men in black desperately tryin’ to wrangle giant mutant spiders lookin’ to impregnate folks. Produced by one of my favorite monster movie studios, Nu Image, this is B grade goodness hittin’ on all pistons with sweet practical and CGI effects by the mad geniuses at KNB EFX. I think the last girl’s instant transformation from meekish truth-seeker to fist slingin’ badass is a bit startlin’, and the action in the bunker with the soldiers drags a bit, but it’s all worth the wild conclusion as the eight legged mutie “Mother-In-Law” makes an unforgettable comeback invadin’ a nearby city! Lotta fatal spider bites, regenerattin’ men in black, spider web traps, elevator shaft action sequences, brawlin’ in unexplained pools of what I assume is toxic waste, graphic swellin’, spaceship crashin’, bullets to the head, big-ass spiders crawlin’ outta mouths, bazookas, explosions, some of the funniest scenes of panicked crowds ever committed to celluloid, supposed e.t. visitors, pickled body parts, helicopter action, and monstrous transformations! 4/5!

SPIDERS 2 (2001)

After a stranded couple at sea are rescued by a passin’ vessel, the husband begs his dismissive wife to acknowledge the danger they’re in as he figures out he’s bein’ prepped by the ship’s mad scientist to be an incubator fer mutant spider pups. More gas lightin’ drama than big-ass spider action, this ain’t a bad flick by any means, but suffers from not meetin’ my expectations set by the first fast paced flick. The wife’s unbelievable behavior keeps me invested with her refusin’ to listen to her husband’s sensible concerns all the while she flirts with the captain ’til he gets too handsy, but I wish the filmmakers would breakout the mutant spiders sooner than the last little chunk of the movie. Kidnappin’ on the high seas, ghost ships, boat invadin’ massacres, foam droolin’, chest burstin’ spider babies, lotta needles, neck sewin’, face clawin’, practical puppets effects, CGI critters, ship sinkin’, spear chuckin’, flammin’ arachnids, helicopter rescues, pincers through the chest, flamethrowers, and Richard Moll as the mad doctor! 3/5! 

DEVIL’S REVENGE (2019)

Some yahoo disturbs an old ass altar in a cave that awakens a buncha impressive lookin’ demons who supposedly kill him, but he springs back to life with annoyin’ flashbacks to the demons’ origin story Bill Shatner says can only be stopped if the yahoo takes his wife and kids on a family road trip back to the cave to retrieve a demon catchin’ relic. A perfect example of how a top shelf lookin’ flick is only as good as its script, this is a dumpster fire of a story. Characters are introduced and developed with no gravity, the threat the demons pose ain’t all that obvious with kills that lack any rhyme or reason, and why the hell is the family actin’ like they’re goin’ on some honky dory treasure hunt when they know they’re descendin’ into the bowels of the Earth to confront an army of savage demons responsible fer slaughterin’ entire civilizations?! This bullshit kinda makes sense with the twist endin’ bein’ this is all an illusion the demons play on the yahoo when they kill him, but that just means the filmmakers wasted my time. Keep an eye out fer a crazy lookin’ sculpture on some stairs that steals the movie, and prepare to bust a gut when Shatner seriously says, “It’s Hallo-fuckin’-ween!” 2/5!

SCHIZOID (1980)

In this Giallo wannabe, a columnist is too busy worryin’ ’bout threatenin’ letters in the mail and bangin’ her cheatin’ rich therapist to notice the gals in her therapy group are bein’ killed by a scissor wieldin’ murderer. This is one of ’em flicks if I didn’t read the synopsis first, I might have never understood the whole support group murder angle, ’cause the only time they’re together is the openin’ hot tub scene. After that, they’re practically strangers with no one talkin’ to each, especially after one or more of ’em is killed. It’s a hot mess with alotta questionable plot points but has ‘nough heckle fodder fer a fun watch with fellow film buffs. Fall apart houses, dirt road chases, face slashin’, garage door corpses, awkward daddy-daughter peek-a-boo shows, unhinged teeny boppers, awkward dinners, attempted suicides with the car runnin’, strip teases, backstage stripper humpin’, and the usual weirdo performance by Klaus Kinski as the therapist! 2/5!

THE TOWER (1993)

A starvin’ musician gives corporate life a chance as the newest desk jockey in an AI ran skyscraper, but after his bumblin’ racks up one too many security risks, the super sensitive system targets him for literal termination. Starrin’ Paul Reiser as the unexpected action star comically runnin’ and jumpin’ from one blue screen death scenario to the next, this TV flick is a decent watch with some genuine energy behind its production. It has as much plot as young’ns fiddle fartin’ ’round a playground, the emotional depth of an early MTV music video, and no satisfyin’ explanation fer why the AI’s built to actually kill things (just what the hell is it protectin’ and from what exactly?), but it keeps a fast pace with a modest body count. Explodin’ saunas, deep freezin’ temperatures, bowlin’ fer exits, suck and blow ventilation traps, crushin’ elevator doors, window washin’ gondola rides, window smashin’ galore, fires, elevator shaft hoppin’, and computer hackin’! 3/5!

THE NORLISS TAPES (1973)

An annoyed publisher finds out an author he paid an advance to write a book on debunkin’ the supernatural has disappeared, and all that’s left is his collection of tapes dictatin’ a case involvin’ a rich gal’s reanimated husband killin’ folks from beyond the grave to summon a demon fer immortality. A fairly entertainin’ TV flick with more booga boos than expected, the biggest sour I have with this sucker is its indifferent hero, Norliss, who never has the reaction I’d expect fer someone whose finally encounterin’ paranormal activity he can’t chalk up to simple parlor tricks. Always cool, calm, and collected, even when carryin’ out questionable tactics ‘gainst demons and the undead, his rattled decision makin’ to disappear at the beginnin’ of the flick outta shock doesn’t make a lick o’ sense after seein’ how he effortlessly handles himself throughout the case. There’s other little issues I have with the story like some of the rich gal’s bafflin’ decision makin’, but I can forgive alotta that thanks to such memorable monsters tearin’ through the small screen. Flamin’ blood circles, crypts, fatal grave robbin’, window breakin’ ambushes, bloody clay sculptin’, demonic art, cursed rings, hoodoo ladies, dark and stormy nights, walkin’ dead, puppers killed in action, car manglin’, underworld bargainin’, and chases through secret tunnels! 3/5!

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE (2022)

In what could be mistaken fer a really long joke of a phone commercial, Satanists in a small town are conspirin’ to find and sacrifice a pure soul at a Christmas craft fair to call forth their dark lord, but there’s holy rollin’ pastors, spiritualists, and hippies doin’ their best to prevent that without havin’ to leave the house. Low budget filmmakin’ at its lowest, this is a gruelin’ 70 minutes of close-ups on folks readin’ their lines while on the phone with other characters. Zero character buildin’, barely any Christmas much less a craft fair, and ‘lotta scenes that go nowhere with a Michael Myers wannabe henchmen hackin’ folks up, gals huntin’ auras at the mall with a magnifyin’ glass, and cartoon ghosts tryin’ to progress the story. While the filmmakers do questionably deliver the “massacre” in the title, it’s just a graphic of a mushroom cloud I think the heroes are responsible fer which is pretty fucked up. Avoid at all cost! 1/5!  

SUMMER OF FEAR (1978)

Linda Blair’s teeny bopper life is turned upside down with break-ups, bad skin, and animals behavin’ badly after her recently orphaned cousin moves in with her family, leavin’ her to suspect she may very well be a bitch of a witch needin’ to be outted ‘fore it’s too late. This ain’t the most excitin’ thing director Wes Craven’s ever made, but it’s got ‘nough goin’ for it to be entertainin’ to say the least. The hex castin’ houseguest keeps me on my toes with her slowly turnin’ the family ‘gainst one ‘nother, I’m rootin’ fer Linda every time somebody dismisses her claims of supernatural forces at work, and I’ll be damned if Craven didn’t pull out all the stops with a sweet finale featurin’ a race with a spell slingin’ witch endin’ in asphalt tearin’ mayhem! Cliff jumpin’ wrecks, switcheroo identities, dark room brawlin’, hexin’ galore, hives, horses put down, seduced elders, mind controllin’, witch experts, magical long range attacks, and magical motorin’! 3/5!

PSYCHO SANTA (2003)

To pass the time durin’ a holiday road trip with his wife, a yahoo suspiciously recounts the detailed history of a local backwoods psycho who killed folks while dressed as Santa. Featurin’ the hallmarks of a homemade horror flick from bad actin’ to low-def audio/video quality as well as pissin’ time to boot of characters aimlessly wanderin’ the boonies, this cheap holiday slasher still manages to impress me with good editin’, noticeable attempts at cinematic camerawork, and thoughtfully laid music tracks. The story structure’s wonky but forgivable, and I can’t help but wonder if this is the director’s first time workin’ with naked gals given how laughably long he lingers on ’em in their birthday suits. Tom and Jerry antics in a junkyard, vehicular breakdowns, stabbin’s in the back, gift wrapped body parts, lingerie dancin’, close ups of pierced body parts, boobs in the shower, throat slashin’, miniature house infernos, Santa killin’, machete slashin’, young’n killin’, home invadin’, drownin’, unnecessary self sacrificin’, weaknesses fer Silent Night Holy Night, interrogatin’, and the most ridiculously longwinded death of a gal reconnecting a landline phone ’til her dyin’ breath! 2/5! 

WEREDEER (2022)

Visitin’ her boyfriend’s redneck family in the boonies on Christmas Eve, a big city gal’s bitten by a cartoon deer she offers a a bite of her candy bar to, and presto chango — turns into a killer deer woman needin’ to slap fight every backwoods hick to death. This is borderline so-bad-it’s-good entertainment with barely ‘nough DIY filmmakin’ charm to compensate fer its iffy audio, poor actin’, and uninspired camerawork. Kudos, however, to a coherent script with actual character, a few chuckle worthy moments with the Big Foot obsessed cousin, and a damn impressive make-up job fer the girlfriend turned two-legged reindeer. It’s just too bad more isn’t done with her beyond her slap happy ambushes when things finally ramp up the last half hour of the flick. Eggnog beer, disembowelin’ galore, monstrous off camera transformations, cursed deer played by stock nature footage collections and CGI stunt doubles, Play-Doh head smashin’, ass crack, and weaponized Santa statues! 2/5!

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE (2022)

A fruitcake of a German soldier from the 1800s ‘comes a die-hard fan of the Nutcracker ballet and somehow ties his soul to a larger than life nutcracker after scarfin’ down jewels from Hell (. . . okay . . .). Over a hundred years later, he’s supernaturally reactivated at Christmas by a nutcracker enthusiast with unclear motivations and ruins a family’s holiday get together as he slays ’em in search of his fantasized betrothed. A lukewarm novelty horror at best, this flick has ‘nough characters and plot to be a decent watch, but it’s constantly trippin’ over its boots with some of the most convoluted expositions I’ve ever had the displeasure followin’ in order to understand why the nutcracker’s guttin’ folks in semi-creative ways. I’m still at a loss fer what the shop keeper’s role is in all this, and a little more baffled the filmmakers went with a rubber Halloween mask for their mon-star of a Nutcracker ‘stead of a resin or fiberglass head. Throat stabbin’ with icicles, human size gifts, stranglin’ with Christmas lights, stomach slicin’, eye gougin’, faces full of candy canes, longwinded story tellin’, sugarplum fairy switcheroos, weaponized tree toppers, and yes — one graphic close-up of a fella gettin’ his nuts cracked off! 3/5! 

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022)

War machines are recycled into storefront robo-Santas, and one toy shop’s malfunctionin’ St. Nick spontaneously goes on the warpath Christmas Eve, leavin’ a buncha mutilated yokels in its wake as it singles out two record store rockers to cross off its shit list. All flash — no spirit. This holiday themed nod to the Terminator goes all in on some impressive special effects and action sequences bathed in garish Yuletide colors, but fails miserably at tellin’ an actual story with any character development, set-ups, or suspense. Everyone solely exists to be a flat spectacle of a forgettable victim whose demise at the hands of a poorly introduced threat means jack shit to the overall plot (what little there is) much less any other character. Despite all the shortcomin’s in the script department, however, Riley Dandy still manages to steal the show playin’ top boss bitch Tori, a last girl I’d definitely want in my corner when the holidays go to hell! Sprinkler defenses, electrocutions, lazy robo-Santa POV, car explosions, head splittin’, axe attackin’, dirty deeds on Santa’s throne without boobs, home invadin’, longwinded ramblin’ and drinkin’, curb stompin’, cunnilingus, horror movie talk, neck snappin’, young’n killin’, police station massacres, toy store massacres, and finger choppin’! 2/5!

THE KILLING TREE (2022)

After his witchy lover accidentally botches a resurrection spell and traps his murderous soul in a Christmas tree, Clayton Slayter uses his newfound powers as a Yuletide decoration to crash a Christmas Eve party and exact revenge on the girl responsible fer sendin’ him to the hot seat. While this sucker should be as fun as watchin’ the killer snowman in Jack Frost, it unfortunately spends most its runtime hangin’ out with a forgettable she-pack of gals exposition dumpin’ their clunky backstories over alotta lazy camerawork. The filmmakers probably felt they needed to skirt the killer tree scenes ’cause of all the cheesefest CGI and one note kills, but Clayton proves to be the movie’s most compellin’ character I wanna watch after seein’ him lose his loyal arm candy in the first reel. Fatal impalin’ with branches, extend-o limbs, stranglin’ with Christmas lights, throat slittin’, home invadin’ flashback kills, accidental slayin’s, neck wound pokin’, bafflin’ mulligans, and magical tree on tree violence! 3/5! 

DON’T WORRY DARLING (2022)

An atomic age community’s livin’ the American dream in a private desert town, but one little housewife suspects her men’s magazine lifestyle ain’t all it’s cracked up to be when supposed hallucinations challenge her sanity and sense of freewill. An overall solid flick with lotta Mid-century modern eye candy poppin’ off the screen from its magazine spread sets to the picturesque costumes, the plot is where this lukewarm gaslight of a mystery stumbles. The equivalent of throwin’ Pleasantville, Stepford Wives, and The Matrix with a pinch of The Village in a blender, this sucker’s reminiscent of so many other flicks, I wasn’t so much invested in the last girl’s struggle as I was just waitin’ to see which of the big twists I predicted would end the movie. What I didn’t see comin’, however, is how many plot holes the twist would bring, leavin’ me with a sour aftertaste thinkin’ through how absurd the measures are for keepin’ this charade of a lifestyle up. Saran wrapped heads, plane crashes, desert hikin’, throat slittin’, fatal freefalls, explodin’ car crashes, kidnappin’, showboatin’ work events, electro shock therapies, tremors, awkward dinner parties, stabbin’s, and cunnilingus! 3/5!

THE CAVE (2005)

A gang of professional explorers are hired to research a newly discovered ecosystem miles beneath the Carpathian Mountains, but they’re caught ‘tween a rock and hell when they encounter previous spelunkers who were mutated into flesh eatin’ monsters by microscopic parasites. A visually impressive creature feature with a top shelf budget, this sucker’s more Hollywood action than nail bitin’ horror. It skimps on the important stuff like character development and suspenseful storytellin’ in favor of fast pace edits and well lit scenes, and tells a pretty half-baked story that’s confusin’ as all hell when I try to think through the whole parasite plot. Underwater dragon serpents, albino moles, firey deaths, free hangin’ sacrifices, gut chompin’, cave-ins, explosions, scuba divin’, rock climbin’, rappellin’, folks impaled on stalagmites, clawin’, sound pulse defenses, sonar huntin’, super hearin’, and monstrous transformations! 3/5!

TERRIFIER 2 (2022)

Art the Clown pulls a Lazarus in the morgue and cleans himself up in time for next Halloween to stalk and violently mutilate a gang of teenage gals, one of which is experiencin’ some kinda psychic connection with him to no real avail. All slaughter, little substance, Art continues his silver screen carnage with the faintest thread of a storyline from All Hallows’ Eve to now, is still as mysterious as ever, and refuses to follow movie rules of any kind. Even more complexin’ is the addition of a creepy sidekick in the form of a bugged eyed girl who might or might not be there whose role in the film can’t be explained in the two and a half hours the filmmakers spend tellin’ a story with a remarkably bare bones plot. Aside from the flick givin’ horror fans some of the most gut wrenchin’ kills ever committed to celluloid, it deserves major kudos fer featurin’ a phenomenal performance by Lauren LaVera as Sienna, Art’s newest target dressed as a badass angel fer Halloween. Tough and compellin’, I haven’t been this impressed with a last girl since the stereotype shatterin’ performance in You’re Next. Head smashin’, acid attacks, face meltin’, crushed chests, table leg clubs full o’ nails, fireproof daggers, longwinded dream sequence massacres, impaled heads, face rippin’, stabbin’s galore, dancin’ on Molly, fairground showdowns, scalpin’, gouged eye pokin’, Achilles tendon bitin’, finger bitin’, scalpel swipin’ galore, home invadin’, trick or treatin’, mannequin disguises, explodin’ heads, shotguns to the face, dead critter pokin’, kidnappin’, voice imitatin’, home made cat o’ nine tail whippin’, dick severin’, booger sugar, home fires, car vandalizin’, and one of the weirdest paranormal births in a mental institution! 3/5!

CURSE OF BRIDGE HOLLOW (2022)

Marlon Wayans unknowingly moves his family to a holiday obsessed town and accidentally brings everyone’s Halloween decorations to life after he and his daughter unleash the vengeance seekin’ spirit of a legendary asshole the town lynched forever ago named Stingy Jack. A more epic version of Spirit Halloween on a Netflix budget, this by the numbers family flick boasts an impressive production from its lavishly decorated sets to its pleasin’ aesthetics, but unfortunately flops where it matters most — its characters. Capable actors are given decent ‘nough material to entertain me as a root worthy family confrontin’ the fantastic, but somethin’s off with their screen chemistry that makes poignant moments feel hollow and artificial, leavin’ me pretty indifferent to their supernatural plight. If ya can overlook that and the logic behind just how much the decorations are comin’ to life, it’s still a fun little watch. Skeleton football players, rubber bats, animatronic zombies, arm bitin’, 2D cats, rubber spiders of various sizes, cursed jack-o-lanterns, portals to hell, possessin’ galore, spell books, pumpkin mobiles, town square chaos, skeleton pranks, bad bakin’, pumpkin headed booga boos, and science nerd defenses! 3/5! 

THE DESCENT (2005)

An adventurer fools her thrill seekin’ gal pals into explorin’ a new cave system that’s opened up in the Appalachian Mountains, and after a cave-in takes ’em by surprise, they’re forced to fight their way out through a feral community of underground humanoids who hunt by sound. All ’round solid filmmakin’, this flick works on two levels. First, as a disaster flick with these spelunkers squeezin’ their asses through some frightfully claustrophobic nooks and crannies. Then, as a balls to the wall monster movie with the discovery of the sightless creatures lookin’ fer a warm meal they can tear into with the table manners of a Tasmanian devil. The most fun I have watchin’ this as a horror fan, however, is debatin’ the ethics and moralities over Juno and Sarah’s fight to be the last girl. They both commit questionable acts throughout the story, but I feel Juno’s just desserts are pretty unjustified compared to the irredeemable decision Sarah makes ‘fore the credits roll. Monkey bar climbin’, throat slashin’, disembowelin’, fatal car wrecks, hidey hole escapes, animal bones galore, dead and bloated critters, leg breakin’, axe fightin’, impaled necks, neck rippin’, euthanasia, literal blood baths, leg stabbin’s, and white water raftin’! 4/5! 

THE DESCENT PART 2 (2008)

The police are searchin’ the Appalachian Mountains fer the first movie’s gang of missin’ spelunkers, and when they find Sarah rattled with trauma induced amnesia, they drag her back underground to look fer her friends ‘fore she can remember to warn ’em ’bout those underdwellin’ killin’ machines she just escaped. If ya don’t mind the filmmakers fudgin’ the timeline and other minor details while givin’ characters alotta weird motives, this is an alright follow-up to Sarah and Juno’s continuin’ fight fer survival as frenemies. While I don’t think this sucker’s as good as the first, it has its memorable moments. What other horror movie features its monster takin’ a steamin’ shit on a last girl? And I can’t stop laughin’ at how the “heroic” sheriff is so hot to trot fer some damsel in distress action with Juno, his clueless antics keep puttin’ everyone in worse and worse situations. Hand choppin’, fatal freefalls, corpse hangin’, cave-ins, live burials, hidey hole escapes, unholy entrances, secret keepin’ woodsmen, recorded expositions, literal shit holes, and belly slashin’! 3/5!

TERROR TRAIN (2022)

College horn dogs board a party train fer Halloween, but things fly off the rails when a costume stealin’ slasher starts droppin’ folks responsible fer an ol’ frat prank gone wrong. A woke remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis flick from 1980, this features better than average actin’ and camerawork but doesn’t divert from the original material ‘nough to claim its own identity. Despite its nearly beat fer beat rehashin’, however, the filmmakers do get rid of the confusin’ New Year’s Eve/graduation/costume party theme from the original fer a straight up Halloween movie, some characters’ genders are switch ’round to the story’s benefit, and the whole psycho crossdresser twist is dumped which gives me some fun guessin’ where the killer’s hidin’ this time. Impaled clowns, head bashed lizard people, hanky panky stabbin’s, decapitations, throat slittin’, magic knife shows, firearm executions, manic mamas thrown from the train, corpse kissin’, laughable freak outs, blood galore, and train bangin’ with boobs! 3/5! 

V/H/S/99 (2022)

A real hodge podge of an anthology with no real framin’ narrative, a young’n’s comical stop-motion adventure with plastic army men is constantly interrupted with wildly bizarre scenes captured on video that include hot monstrous neighbors, fatal sorority initiations, concerts from beyond the grave, payback gameshows, and demon summonin’ rituals gone to hell. Maybe the best V/H/S since part 2 despite its lack of cohesion ‘mong all the random jumpin’ from one videotaped horror to the next, this sucker packs alotta enjoyable characters and special effects creatures in some gore-tastic situations with “Shredding,” “The Gawkers,” and “To Hell and Back” as my favorites thanks to ’em bein’ comprehensive three act shorts with more than satisfyin’ endin’s. “Ozzy’s Dungeon” and “Suicide Bid,” however, have too many distractin’ plot holes fer me to fully enjoy. The kiddie contestant’s over the top gameshow injury that kicks off her revenge plot in “Ozzy’s Dungeon” doesn’t make the most sense for how it exactly happens (or why it looks riddled with gangrene years later), I don’t know why her family tortures the gameshow host versus the fat ass who actually destroyed her leg under his girth, and the parents’ Raiders of the Lost Ark fate at the end is nothin’ less than confusin’. “Suicide Bid” is a little better, but why can’t the sorority pledge escape the coffin she’s dared to sleep in overnight? No one nails the lid shut, and there ain’t ‘nough dirt or mud to weigh it down, so why can’t she get outta there ‘fore the ghoul of sorority past shows up? And if her tormentors are so worried ’bout leavin’ her in an open grave after the sight of a patrol car sends ’em runnin’, why wouldn’t they just come back in an hour or two when the fuzz is long gone ‘stead of hours later at dawn? Flesh eatin’ rocker chicks, possessed concerts, blow-up doll massacres, showers of gore, stabbin’ helmets, impaled sides, gorgons, perverts turned to stone, decapitations, hellscape portals, barbecued corpses, unknown liquids, vomitin’, monstrous wishin’ caves, monstrous transformations, face meltin’, peepin’ tom boobs, broken wrists, ghoul friends, kidnappin’, live burials, mismatch possessions, meat mitt bear traps, and cult brawlin’! 3/5!

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET (2010)

The population of Detroit is reduced to nothin’ more than dirty laundry by a mysterious all consumin’ darkness, and a handful of shaken survivors find each other at a bar runnin’ on a dyin’ generator to plot their desperate escape from the city while comparin’ the freakish event to the lost colony of Roanoke. Nicely executed, but far from satisfyin’, this supernatural flick delivers on the actin’ and creepy effects with bankable talents fightin’ to stay out of whisperin’ shadow people’s reach, but spins its wheels waaay too long in the bar settin’ with no explanation for anythin’ happenin’ when all is said and done. One big sour fer me are the inconsistent rules fer what keeps the livin’ night at bay with some characters only needin’ the equivalent of a faint light at the end of a cigarette while others have to rely on somethin’ as powerful as a truck’s headlights. Watch with low expectations. Car wrecks, psych out mind games, vanishin’ acts, head injuries, and free roamin’ horses! 2/5!

THE WATCH (2008)

A traumatized student takes a gig in a remote watch tower to lookout fer forest fires while finishin’ her psychology dissertation but finds herself caught up in some paranormal mystery with a ghost in the woods she can’t decide is real or in her head. SPOILERS AHOY! This ain’t a paranormal thriller full of jump scares and life threatenin’ mysteries. No, this TV flick turns is nothin’ more than a harmless feature length psych-out as it’s revealed this gal was tricked into a psych experiment by her classmates with zero supernatural twists. One of the deceivin’ culprits gets a boner fer her that motivates him to unload the whole truth behind the experiment, they destroy all their findin’s so no one has to go to jail or be expelled, and credits roll after seein’ a passage of time with the poor duped girl now datin’ the smitten boner who lied to her face the whole experiment. This would work better as a shorter Twilight Zone kinda episode. Kidnappin’ backstory, and clueless waiver signin’! 2/5! 

HALLOWEEN ENDS (2022)

Set four years after Halloween Kills, Michael Myers is still at large, but Grandma Strode’s over it and tries playin’ matchmaker ‘tween her traumatized granddaughter and the town pariah who’s secretly on a dark path as the boogeyman’s new protege. Goin’ into this with abysmal expectations after the last bafflin’ installment, nothin’ could prepare me fer what this flick has to offer. Michael’s reduced to a inspirational sewer hermit with ’bout as much screen time as Jason in Jason Goes to Hell, Laurie’s more melodramatic than ever as she writes a survivor’s memoir, and our damaged love birds dominate the runtime with scorn fer the judgmental folks of Haddonfield. I’m into the social scapegoat theme and concepts of town mentalities the filmmakers bring together, but the execution is just too laughable and fails as a Halloween movie I want to see. I spent alotta time scratchin’ my head at the Shape’s absence, threw a lot of questionable sideway glances in disbelief at characters’ awkward actions, and was rollin’ in the floor with laughter when Haddonfield holds a spontaneous parade for Michael’s final fate after he’s defeated in a manner reminiscent of an SNL skit. I’ll stick with Halloween ’78 through Resurrection, thank ya. Bum stabbin’s, fatal freefalls, dead young’ns, Halloween pranks gone wrong, car grinder funerals, blowtorch facials, head stompin’s, eye impalin’, stabbin’ galore, callback kills to the ’78 flick, face smashin’, tongue cuttin’, extreme bullyin’, unnecessary mama drama, kitchen crucifixions, stranglin’s, peepin’ tom grannies, throat slittin’, suicides, geezer flirtin’, car vandalizin’, hand gashin’, Halloween bar dancin’, mask stealin’, and a cameo by The Last Drive-In‘s Darcy the Mail Girl! 2/5!

MY BEST FRIEND’S EXORCISM (2022)

A teeny bopper’s possessed by a demon she encounters in a mysterious shack, and after manipulatin’ her gal pals into a couple of unforgettable near death situations, it’s up to her BFF and a holy rollin’ body builder to save her soul with a nonconventional exorcism. A terrific period flick sure to satisfy anyone’s nostalgia fer the ’80s with its superb eye fer retro decor and fashion, this horror comedy offers a double fisted servin’ of outlandish special effects and superbly written characters brought to life by a compellin’ ensemble of actors. As fer sours, I wish the body builder played into things a little sooner fer more laughs and hated the way he was written out of the story so quickly for reasons I didn’t totally buy. LSD trippin’ wannabes, Ouija board séances, skinny dippin’, possessin’, shapeshiftin’ trickery, tapeworm cocktails, fatal allergies, public peein’, dunk tank pranks, hog tied exorcisms, yogurt obsessions, vomitin’ galore, lesbo shamin’, burp kissin’, and psychography! 4/5! 

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN (2022)

A gang of friends hit that growin’ pain from innocent trick or treaters to teen vandals and spend All Hallows’ Eve squattin’ overnight in a Spirit Halloween store where they’re ambushed by the ghost of a cranky ol’ town legend needin’ to possess one of ’em to break a curse that binds his afterlife to the lot. Fer a brand peddlin’ flick, this ain’t half bad. The ensemble of young’ns are tolerable with Marissa Reyes as the breakout star, Spirit manages to organically promote its merch within the context of the story without bein’ obnoxious, and the prop possessin’ booga boo of the film feels like he’s plucked right outta episode of the Real Ghostbusters. The only sours of this family friendly scare are the parents’ unrealistic reactions to the young’ns’ bad behavior, the screenwriter’s semi-artificial attempts at capturin’ the voice of today’s youths (does anyone say “Boo-ya!” anymore?), and the villain’s backstory that’s riddled with so many confusin’ details, I’m gonna have to watch this a second time to comprehend ’em. Drop dead curse slingin’, town history puppet shows, dress-up, slumber partyin’, sensor activated jump scares, breakin’ and enterin’, trick or treatin’, Halloween decor to the hilt, giant possessed teddy bears, escape rooms to catacombs with a weird little cabin, spell books, ditched bones, costume shop chaos, possessed animatronics galore, hard hittin’ Nerf guns, and homemade flamethrowers! 3/5! 

GRIMCUTTY (2022)

Parents’ anxiety over a reportedly dangerous internet meme ironically puts their young’ns at risk fer cuttin’ themselves up with knives, but one ASMR influencer wannabe sets out to win her electronics back by provin’ there’s really a creepy pasta lookin’ booga boo behind the slash happy epidemic. Family horror contorted ’round what feels like an after school special on social media addiction, this sucker’s terribly undercooked to say the least. There’s ‘nough sweet ideas to support an interestin’ concept of a story, but its structure fails miserably at developin’ characters in a meaningful way, escalatin’ the tension with any sensible endgame, and explainin’ just what the hell the Grimcutty is or what the one mom blogger has to do with its sudden hold over the town that’s coincidentally followin’ her lead on livin’ off the net fer some confusin’ reason. With young’ns fallin’ victim fer simply seein’ the Grimcutty without every performin’ an actual challenge and then bein’ taunted with no evident threat of death, this cartoon lookin’ creep needs to get his rules straight and stop bein’ as big of a pushover as the Babadook! Tox boxes, carjackin’, padded playrooms, cuttin’ galore, stabbin’s, monstrous chases, ASMR intros and outros, window bustin’ mamas, needle injectin’, and free floatin’ young’ns! 2/5!

HELLRAISER (2022)

A recoverin’ addict ends up with the Lament Configuration from an abandoned warehouse heist, and after it accidentally summons the Cenobites to take her brother away, she’s determined to solve the puzzle box and demand his return while unravelin’ ‘nother manipulator’s master plan. While this sucker’s promoted as a reboot, fans can really take it or leave it as a sequel if they want. None of the characters from Clive Barker’s flick from ’87 are recycled, it’s a different plot altogether, and this femme fatale version of Pinhead even goes by a different name, Hell Priest. That said, I consider this a sequel, and a return to A-grade filmmakin’ since Hellraiser: Bloodline with its top shelf budget, camerawork, sets, and effects. However, I do think the story’s a little blah, there’s not as much gore as I’d hope with all the freaky body horror the series is known fer, and this more or less continues what I’ve hated since Hellraiser: Inferno, and that’s stuffin’ the mystery back behind the curtain after so much was revealed in parts two through four. Nothin’s more annoyin’ than waitin’ fer new characters to catch up to where fans have already been fer years and ’em gettin’ just a glimpse of the crazy mythos we’re waitin’ fer some brave filmmaker to jump back into and expand on. Flyin’ skin hookin’ chains, weaponized puzzle boxes, ripped apart Cenobites, arm splittin’, orgy ragers, nerve yankin’ pulley chest systems, skin peelin’, elaborate house size Cenobite traps, dongs, and one Cenobite transformation! 3/5! 

DEADSTREAM (2022)

To revive his career as a web personality, a disgraced livestreamer dares viewers to tune in as he strands himself in a reportedly haunted dump in the boonies all night where he learns soon ‘nough there really is a murderous poet’s ghost lurkin’ ’round with the deformed spirits of her victims. I almost passed this up due to its its all too familiar found footage plot, but Deadstream is an oddball collection of new spun tropes and mish mash concepts that manage to take me for one helluva laugh filled ride. It’s like watchin’ Scream‘s Dewey match wits with Real Ghostbusters monsters in an Evil Dead 2 house! The only sours that give me pause (but really just end up bein’ sweets given how silly this all is) are these century ol’ ghosts knowin’ what the internet and livestreamin’ are, and the idea someone can stick a GoPro on a ghost’s head. Outrageous lunacy! Hangin’ ladies, corner scares, possible snakemen, freaky conjoined twins, potato gun defenses, severed digits, spellcastin’, audience tidbits, cameras galore, leg gashes, supernatural psych-outs, neck bitin’, secret basements, seances, POVs to hell, gappin’ chest slidin’ ghouls, bad idea spinners, and gnarly fingers up the nose! 4/5!

SIGNIFICANT OTHER (2022)

A couple takes a romantic hike in Big Foot country and cross paths with a killer shapeshiftin’ e.t. who doesn’t just assimilate one of their faces, but this foreign human emotion called love too. A slow burnin’ snoozefest, this sucker doesn’t really start to cook ’til the imposter from the stars steps in half way through and turns the movie on its head with its unexpected penchant for cursin’ with very humorous Earth-like frustrations that almost make this a horror comedy. The filmmakers manage to keep a straight face, however, with ’bout same ‘mount of emotional weight as an episode of Outer Limits with flawed characters fightin’ ‘gainst a murderous admirer warnin’ of pendin’ e.t. invasions. It’s a descent watch with a fun twist but could have been an even greater short. CGI tentacles, buck deaths, head splittin’, knife fingers, sharks vs aliens, near fatal freefalls, literal panic attacks, spaceships, meteorite landin’s, face swappin’, blue goo galore, head smashin’, intercepted radio signals, and kidnappin’ with cocoons! 3/5! 

HOCUS POCUS 2 (2022)

Teen witch wannabes are tricked into resurrectin’ the Sanderson sisters from beyond the grave Halloween night, and now they’ve gotta stop Salem’s most infamous spellcasters from gatherin’ all the ingredients they need to concoct a powerful spell that rids ’em of all their weaknesses. Fer a cult flick that steadily grew its fanbase fer three decades, this is every bit the fun follow-up fans could hope fer. The OG cast returns to play the Sandersons with Doug Jones back as their zombified boy toy, Billy Butcherson, new characters prove to be tolerably entertainin’, and the mythos is expanded while the story treads familiar grounds without bein’ too repetitive of the first movie (which was practically yesterday for the Sandersons, don’t forget). There’s some sing-song moments that feel a bit forced, the heroes are a little forgettable, and I’d pick the original Hocus Pocus as my favorite outta the two, but still, but this is a top shelf sequel with filmmakers who obviously respect the material. Beauty make-up snackin’, flyin’ Swiffers and Roombas, flash mob search parties, ironic costume contests, candy apple envy, protective salt circles, colony backstories, decapitations, livin’ spellbooks, major endorsements from Walgreens, lightnin’ fingers, glitter dissolvin’ witches, entrapment curses, transformation into critters, and grave diggin’! 4/5! 

SMILE (2022)

A psychiatrist suffers semi-fucked up delusions after an evil force possesses her through witnessin’ a traumatic suicide it caused, and now she’s gotta figure out how to defeat it ‘fore it forces her to perform a similar fatal act in a week or less to move on to a new sucker. Not as relentless as It Follows, and nowhere near as scheduley as The Ring, this booga boo bursts outta the gate strong (scarin’ a phenomenal performance outta Caitlin Stasey accompanied by one helluva sense shatterin’ score by Cristobal Tapia de Veer) but unfortunately loses steam after that with a handful of half hearted scares on a wishy washy deadline. The filmmakers do manage to deliver a few unsettlin’ moments in the final act, but I was too busy bein’ annoyed with the last girl’s continuin’ failure at communicatin’ her problem to folks while fallin’ short of obvious solutions fer defeatin’ her supernatural tormentor. Another sour worth mentionin’ is the lame use of folks’ natural smiles the monster teases her with as opposed to somethin’ a little more creepily enhanced through make-up or CGI. Throat slittin’, possessed suicides galore, human matchsticks, mama drama, heavy mental health subtext, garden shears to the chest, post face mashin’, danglin’ heads, dead giftwrapped cats, face peelin’, monstrous skinnin’, stabbin’, and psych-out dreams! 3/5! 

THE MUNSTERS (2022)

The Addams Family’s idiot box rivals from the ’60s are back in an unexpected prequel by horror metal director Rob Zombie, and fans are treated to the origins of Herman Munster’s creation followed by his marriage into Lily’s monstrous family. I’m no Munsters expert, so I can’t speak to this movie’s loyalty to its source material, but it’s every bit the family friendly flick I expected, which in itself is a major accomplishment fer Rob given his hardcore track record of sexual depraved gore fests. Boastin’ likable characters and alotta impressive sets brought to life by one helluva lively color pallet, the only sour fer me is the lengthy runtime fer a story without any conflict. A good 20 minutes could have been shaved with a quicker pace to more interestin’ parts of the story given everyone simply rolls over and accepts whatever happens to ’em. Grandpa barely tries to keep Herman from marryin’ his daughter, Lily and Grandpa never attempt to save their family castle they were swindled out of, and they’re all accepted by their new neighbors on Mockingbird Lane without incident while collectin’ a fat payday to bypass the daily struggle of workin’ nine to five. A fun time, but nothin’ amazin’. Sewer pets, blood sausage eatin’, double billed performances, dad jokes galore, honeymoon montages, gamblin’ addicted werewolves, bitter gypsies, Halloween street parties, zombie killin’, grave robbin’, deformed doctors, hunchback henchmen, and Cassandra Peterson cameos! 3/5!

HAUNTED TRAIL (2021)

A rowdy gang of college athletes take their gals out fer a night of jump scares at the real life Madworld Haunted Attractions, but fun frights turn to legit scares as they realize one spooky performer’s actually slashin’ customers fer real on the trail. The cast’s energy is lively and infectious, and I’m all too familiar with this amazin’ attraction first hand, but this flick unfortunatley suffers from a weak script that spends more time promotin’ Madworld than threadin’ a meaningful story through the film with any steadily escalatin’ suspense. Even worse, the killer’s pretty forgettable with his simple slash and dash kills, and it doesn’t help the filmmakers missed ’bout every opportunity the settin’ offered to make him scarier. Entertainin’ overall, but this ain’t no Haunt or Hell Fest! Stabbin’ galore, head impalin’, fog filled rooms, haunted elevators and hotels, cockamany murder plots, wacky tobacky, hidin’ corpses ‘mong props, and bullets to the face! 3/5! 

MARGAUX (2022)

An Airbnb smart house full of shapeshiftin’ nanotech ran by an AI named Margaux ‘comes self aware, and to understand humans’ illogical nature better, it sets out to be a slang speakin’ serial killer and targets its latest Spring Break party guests as part of its experiment. A fun flick featurin’ a root worthy cast with humorous beats ‘mong plenty of tense comic bookish moments, Margaux is terrific technophobia that exploits the ways modern technology can go awry in the most outlandish ways. There’s alotta questionable logic toward the end as to how Margaux’s not more powerful and just outright winnin’ given the yahoos she’s after are surrounded and even covered in nanotech she controls without direct contact, but there’s ‘nough sweet ingredients to overlook such important details and just enjoy the ride. Mangled hands, acidic cocktails, explosions, hackin’, head poppin’, bone snappin’, ridiculous neck breakin’, hair yankin’, Doctor Octopus arms, wacky tobacky smokin’, sex dungeon deaths, electrocutin’, drownin’, trick ceilings, robot doppelgangers, and easy access computer nerve centers! 4/5!

HOUSE OF DARKNESS (2022)

Justin Long gives a mysterious gal a lift home to her remote castle with hopes fer gettin’ laid, and after an hour and a half of awkward chit chat in a handful of rooms, she sucks him dry as the obvious vampire I pegged her fer from the start. After such an amazin’ track record of horror flicks Justin’s acted in, he finally landed himself a turkey. Labeled a horror/comedy, I expected some terrifyin’ suspense filled game of deceivin’ appearances alleviated by witty dialogue, but this is just a buncha unlikable nobodies rattlin’ on ’bout nothin’ significant like a tolerance testin’ stage play. I at least expected Justin’s death to be some kinda graphically excitin’ bloodbath of a payoff, but even that’s disappointin’ with effects executed in a manner I’ve seen a thousand times ‘fore in a vampire flick. Just skip this. You’ll be glad you did. Drunken nightmares with snapped ankles, flesh rippin’, blood gushin’, ghost stories, and cock blocked blowjobs! 2/5!

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN (2022)

The Creeper gets a soft reboot with his initial trilogy bein’ written off as a buncha movies based on a boogeyman myth outta the bowels of Louisiana, and now the real Creeper’s wakin’ up to a backwoods HorrorHound party where secret cult followers send unsuspectin’ yahoos to be killed and eaten by him in a sham of an escape room attraction. Despite the controversial history surroundin’ its creator, Jeepers Creepers is a wickedly creative series with top shelf talents deliverin’ one of horror’s most distinguishable mon-stars in recent decades, and that’s sorely missed here with an all new creative team tacklin’ the Creeper for the first time. While Reborn is nothin’ less than solid filmmakin’ blessed with an engagin’ last girl who pulls her weight like a pro, it’s easily the weakest in the series thanks to alotta so-so actin’, a sparkless chemistry ‘tween its leads, and poorly executed Creeper scenes with zip tension, charm, and scares. Kudos to the filmmakers fer givin’ the Creeper a few new supernatural tricks up his sleeve while expandin’ his lore, but fans are ultimately better off readin’ the Jeepers Creepers funny books from IDW fer a satisfying follow-up to part three. Head on car wrecks, sad cosplay foreplay, voodoo dolls, topless visions, newborn fetus huntin’, face eatin’, brain sloppin’, arm chewin’, limb growin’, albino fowls, flyin’ axes to the noggin, redos of the first flick with Dee Wallace, flirty knife throwin’, bear traps, Creeper shrines, ear splittin’ whistlin’, nods to Halloween II, eye gougin’, major impalin’, and supernatural transportin’ through crows! 3/5!

DEADLY MANOR (1990)

A milk toast gang of friends take an unexpected detour on their way to an elusive lake to crash at what they assume is an abandoned manor in the mountains for the night, but they learn soon ‘nough they’re trespassin’ on some deformed biker hatin’ psycho’s property who’d sooner kill ’em than ask ’em to git. Plenty of good set-up here fer a decent slasher flick, but the perfomances are terribly wooden, there’s little to no tension with the story takin’ its sweet time rampin’ up to anythin’, and once the killer jumps into action, their moment to shine is cheated by alotta bland flash in the pan kills viewers could miss blinkin’ at the wrong time. An okay passtime for moderate hecklin’, car wreck memorials, but nothin’ special. Stabbin’s, throat slittin’, masked slashers, full frontal corpses, hitch hikin’, bodies in the walls, blunt eatin’, nude photo shrines, and wet dreams with boobs! 2/5! 

BARBARIAN (2022)

Somethin’ full of violent affection lurks beneath an Airbnb in a hellhole corner of Detroit, and two double booked strangers are trapped in its motherly care ’til their clueless host stumbles to their hopeful rescue. Similar to Castle Freak with pinches of director Eli Roth’s penchant for tragic heroics, this flick ain’t all that rewatchable or graced with the most memorable characters, but the filmmakers do an amazin’ job subverting my expectations every few minutes with fun twists and turns. Just when I think I know what’s gonna happen next, ‘nother layer of the storytellin’ onion is peeled back, pullin’ me deeper and deeper into what ends up bein’ one helluva dark and wacky plot full of compellin’ moments that have me hollerin’ at the screen. The most brilliant moment I have to applaud is the host’s greedy motivation fer explorin’ the creepy maze of a basement fer the sake of addin’ property value. Fuckin’ genius. Bottle feedin’, attempted breast feedin’, bitin’, eye gougin’, head rippin’, head smashin’, kidnappin’, bullet to the brainbasket suicides, snuff filmmakin’, dismissive authority figures, car wrecks, arm rippin’, severed arm beatin’, near fatal freefallin’, imbreedin’, and hobo saviors with all the exposition! 3/5! 

ALIEN COVENANT (2017)

In this sequel to Prometheus, a colony ship on its way to the promised land is tempted to take a detour to an uncharted planet with a habitable atmosphere, and its crew of space pioneers discover Shaw and David’s ship from the previous flick ‘fore fallin’ prey to the very first breed of Xenomorphs. Well paced action with top shelf special effects, this suspenseful chapter in the Alien series is balls to the wall mayhem once it gets goin’ and satisfies on all fronts with the exception of a strong lead. It can be argued David or his android doppelganger provide the story’s point of view, but the human crew lacks any emotional anchors and are relegated to bein’ a likeable hodge podge of disposable characters I hate to see killed in the most horrific ways. A great watch overall that stirs up some deep philosophical questions, I hope to see a follow-up with ‘nother sequel. Butthole coconut spores, body horror massacres, ear and lung invadin’ spores, impaled hands, severed fists, acidic blood, chest and back bursters, anatomy art, e.t. invasions, twin switcheroos, deadly flutes, android on android lip lockin’, inferno pods, deep space funerals, explodin’ spaceships, blood vomitin’, face meltin’, fatal squishin’, decapitatin’, face fuckin’, and bloody showers with boobs! 4/5!

WHO INVITED THEM (2022)

After every lame-o guest bows out early from Adam and Margo’s housewarmin’ party in a fancy hood, the disappointed hosts discover there’s still a couple of mysterious party crashers to entertain whose sordid intentions ‘come clearer as they wear their welcome out through the night. A solid movie overall with terrific performances that keep me engaged, this is a well paced flick with killers as likable as their victims which isn’t somethin’ I ain’t used to seein’. The subplot with the friend of the family wantin’ to put some roadkill outta its misery is a little confusin’, and there’s very little tension due to a lack of escalatin’ threats throughout most the movie, but the sweets still outweigh the sours fer a fun watch. Punch therapy, booger sugar, marital spats, upsettin’ vinyl tunes, stabbin’s, throat slittin’, and bottle smashin’ over heads! 3/5!

YELLOWBRICKROAD (2010)

A gang of academic truth seekers hike the same mysterious trail an entire town randomly disappeared on decades ago and find themselves in a neverendin’ wilderness of mind warpin’ noise pollution. While the premise of investigatin’ a Roanoke Island kinda disappearance is a terrific hook fer gettin’ me invested in joinin’ a semi-interestin’ crowd of yahoos on their journey into madness, this flick unfortunately spirals into alotta pointless meanderin’ that refuses to develop the plot any further. Even worse, I hung in there to the end (with some fastforwardin’ mind ya) to learn the truth behind the trail, and it’s complete and utter bullshit. Just a buncha ambiguous nonsense in a old timey movie theatre that refuses to give up any satisfyin’ explanation for what I just sat through. Another sour fer me is why the filmmakers bother with all the nods to The Wizard of Oz if they aren’t gonna visually tie that in more as a theme. It’s public domain. Run with it! Fatal freefalls from cliffs, possessed hats, throat stabbin’s, wrist slashin’ suicides, trippin’ on berries, old timey tunes galore, face tearin’, leg rippin’, and corpses dressed as scarecrows! 2/5!

NOPE (2022)

Siblin’ movie horse ranchers discover somethin’ beastial movin’ behind the clouds ‘bove ’em, and they’re willin’ to risk their lives for the fortune a clear picture of it could bring. Writer/director Jordan Peel’s junior venture into horror, this may be his best movie yet, but it does feel borderline absurd most the time thanks to the monster remindin’ me of Nintendo’s Kirby. Despite this abstract scare tactic, however, there are some genuinely terrifyin’ scenes of folks bein’ digested alive while their collective screams fill the sky, and even some unnervin’ side scenes of a chimp goin’ ape-shit I don’t think audiences connect to the overall story the way Jordan intended. But more sweets than sour, this sucker packs epic landscapes, leads worth cheerin’ fer, and plenty of set-ups and payoffs fans have come to praise Jordan’s work fer. Worth a watch, but not if yer an animal lover. Western theme parks, sitcom massacres, face poundin’, explodin’ chimp heads, dissolvin’ bodies, motorcycle wrecks, biological EMP fields, horse ridin’, horse deaths off screen, rodeo show massacres, video survelience galore, fatal impalement, and bloody e.t. stool showers! 4/5!

ORPHAN: FIRST KILL (2022)

Everyone’s favorite psycho dwarf pretendin’ to be a 10-year-old cutie doll returns for a prequel, and it’s the origin behind Leena’s first kill . . . in America, that is. Kind of confusin’ givin’ the title indicates I’m gonna see what pushed her over the edge to initially ‘come a killer, but this sucker starts out the gate with her already shacked up in a Russian looney bin fer slashin’ a family she duped. So, this is more ’bout her posin’ as an American family’s long lost young’n to escape Russia, and the violence that ensues as she does her best to convince ’em of her lies while discoverin’ skeletons in their closet that proves a major problem. Top shelf camerawork, moderate levels of satisfyin’ gore, and terrific actin’ by Isabelle Fuhrman as Leena, the only sours that chipped ‘way at me is the family’s seemingly cold reaction to their supposed daughter’s return, but all is forgiven by the third act twist I shoulda seen comin’! Fencin’, fatal freefalls, blacklight paintin’, stabbin’s, crossbow bolts to the chest, poisoned rats turned to smoothies, trained psycho hags, fatal beatin’s, bullets to the back of the head, and corpse dumpin’! 4/5!

GLORIOUS (2022)

While a heartbroken sap unloads his troubles at a remote rest stop, an omnipotent monster traps him in the restroom and asks him to make a willin’ sacrifice to save Earth from unworldly obliteration. Fer a one set flick with only two actors carryin’ the whole movie like a black box theatre production, this ain’t half bad. The filmmakers keep things kinetic with alotta camera movement, the off screen monster’s cleverly represented through some creative set designs, and the castin’ proves to be primo choice with Ryan Kwanten and J. K. Simmons’ performances keepin’ me invested from beginnin’ to end. The only sour I gotta pan this fer is its lame twist endin regardin’ the truth ’bout the lovesick motorist’s past which leaves me sighin’ with utter indifference. Knick knack bonfires, confusin’ loiterers, dismembered park employees, bloodbaths, bio-force fields, vomitin’ in toilets, loopedy loop AC escapes, nightmare flashbacks, weaponized severed legs, interdimensional invadin’, last minute creature effects, and organ rippin’! 3/5!

DAY SHIFT (2022)

In this buddy horror comedy from Netflix, a pool cleanin’ vampire killer needs sustainable income to keep his ex from leavin’ town with their daughter, so he’s forced to make ammends with his monster huntin’ union fer a regular paycheck stakin’ fangers while bein’ closely monitored by a pants wettin’ pencil pusher. A valiant effort in deliverin’ a fast pace flick full o’ likable characters with some never-before-seen vampire action that’s sure to make even contortionists cringe, this is an overall fun watch thanks to so many enjoyable performances that includes Snoop Dogg as a scene stealin’ obliterator of the supernatural. The only sours keepin’ this from bein’ a great watch is the story’s avoidance of gettin’ inside anyone’s head or takin’ time to truly develop meaningful relationships, and choosin’ to leap frog from one head snappin’ fight scene to the next ‘stead. It also doesn’t help the head fanger is so poorly written with too few interactions with Jamie, makin’ fer a pretty lackluster finale. Stabbin’ galore, blood slurpin’, decapitations, talkin’ heads, vampire hierarchies without alotta explanation, weaponized silver floss, vampire nest massacres, bowlin’ alley brawls, explosions, car chases, car wrecks, dumbass bikers, fang yankin’, pawnin’, and hand impalin’! 3/5! 

EDGE OF TOMORROW (2014)

Stuffed in a weaponized exosuit and forced into battle with Earth invadin’ e.t.s, Tom Cruise comes in contact with alien blood and finds himself repeatin’ the same disastrous day over and over ‘gain ’til he can break the loop with the space boogers’ defeat. A terrific sci-fi action spin on the Groundhoug Day plot, this is top shelf entertainment from beginnin’ to end, Scream Freaks! Tom’s surrounded by competent costars from Emily Blunt to Bill Paxton and Tony Todd, the design of the e.t.s feel fresh and original, the war scenes are fast and intense, and the story is superbly written with lotta clever twists and turns that keep me invested from beginnin’ to end. Some of the action’s a little too stunt wirey fer my taste, and Tom’s last jump in the timeline’s a bit confusin’, but this is still worth multiple watches! Explosions galore, crushin’ deaths, face meltin’, helicopter crashes, bare-ass soldiers, aircraft crashes galore, questionable zipline falls, battle top fightin’, neck breakin’, bazillion Tom Cruise deaths, sword fightin’, underwater bombin’, last stand sacrificin’, human roadkill, and shoot ’em up car chases! 5/5! 

OBLIVION (2013)

An e.t. invasion leaves Earth a wasteland, and while everyone’s relocated to one of Saturn’s moons, Tom Cruise is left behind to service energy convertin’ towers from his Jetsons house as well as protect ’em from interstellar scavengers who possess a secret that’s sure to throw his reality into chaos. A visual knockout of a flick with a decent story full of twists that remind me of Moon (2009), there ain’t so much as any sours to bitch ’bout as there’s a lack of sweets to enjoy. Like, I don’t mind seein’ Tom battle heat packin’ cartoon balls in his nadsack craft the whole movie, but he needs meaningful interactions with folks other than himself (not to mention screen chemistry) to fully bring me onboard this sci-fi apocalypse. Not terrible by any means, but can be waaay better. High flyin’ dog fights, booby traps, clonin’, nukes in space, crash landin’s, stasis pods, mechanized executions, mile high club pools, antique hideaways, and bobble head BFFs! 3/5!

THE REEF: STALKED (2022)

A gaggle of gals mourn the loss of a friend with some kayakin’ off the coast of Australia, and ’cause they don’t know how the buddy system works, they’re targeted by an unrelentin’ shark they gotta kill to survive while dealin’ with semi-important drama that barely registers. A bit of a wonky pace with minimum escalations of danger, the only thing worse than feelin’ like I’m watchin’ folks act in the shallow end of a pool is the last girls’ master plan to catch and “drown” the shark obsessed with eatin’ ’em. I’m no marine biologist, but how does a shark drown, exactly? Fine fer Shark Week entertainment, but nothin’ special. Simple blood splatter effects, motorboat rescues, scuba divin’, kayak flippin’, fuedin’ couples, drownin’, human size meals, and nods to the yellow barrel from Jaws! 3/5! 

MAD GOD (2021)

A masked soldier marches through a hellish landscape of stop-motion terrors and monstrosities with orders to detonate a bomb in the nerve center of everything wrong with his world, but plans don’t always work out the way they’re supposed to. An animated trek through a literal smorgasbord of boddy horrors, this silent scream from special effects guru Phil Tippett is unrelentin’ nightmare fuel of dread and desolate despair from beginnin’ to end, and is sure to ‘come a cult classic. While its story may not be the deepest, its gut punchin’ visuals are a force to be reckoned with as it bombards its viewers with ‘nough shock and awe value to ever consider a second viewin’. Kitchen sink guttin’ surgeries, holy figures, car wrecks, crappy maps, monstrous sentinels, evil surgeosn, hairball babies, hair doll minions, rippin’, tearin’, exaggerated bodily functions, and a whole lot more! 3/5!  

THE BLOODY MAN (2020)

When a gang of 1980s suburbanite youths are left overnight with their step mama, the middle young’n somehow unleashes a family hatin’ demon from a knockoff He-Man comic and has to defeat the supernatural shapeshifter with toy weapons. This disasterpiece is a real tolerance tester, Scream Freaks! Even with a runnin’ time of a Marvel movie ( a little over two hours), the filmmakers can’t get their shit together and tell a coherent story that makes any sense. Not only does it take FOREVER for the threat of the Bloody Man to materialize (what little it does), but his backstory is all over the place from bein’ prepackaged boogeyman literature in a mass produced toyline to somethin’ of an urban legend folks may or may not have heard of that practically derails into three stortellin’ shorts, one of which seems to feature a Matrix lookin’ preacher in pilgrim times without explanation. This does have some decent nuggets in it from the authentic retro feel to the Nightmare on Elm Street nods with last girls from The Dream Master gettin’ some screen time, but this is a terribly unfocused story under poor direction. 1980s toys galore, severed hands, blood pumpin’ gags galore, self aware limbs, evil doppelgangers, lynch mobs, wrasslin’ principles, Tuesday Knight music breaks, and classroom bullyin’! 2/5!

THE LONG NIGHT (2022)

Legendary franchise aside, Scout Taylor-Compton has amassed enough horror credits to raise viewers’ expectations. For this one, keep your expectations in the polecat belly range. The movie’s run-time is only an hour and 31 minutes, yet The Long Night delivers exactly what its name promises—a slow-paced flick with little payoff; however, it’s mercifully and notably punctuated by brief appearances from Jeff Fahey, Deborah Kara Unger, and a magic, potentially demon-hosting vagina. Backing up to the premise, Scout plays Grace, whose hunt for her real family takes her to a plantation that may hold clues to her past. Her traveling companion is her rich, banal boyfriend who reluctantly packs his silver spoon and heads south with her, contributing to the eventual battle for survival by threatening people with his alleged karate skills and his father’s legal prowess. The set-up won’t get you invested in the story, and although we’re mighty glad they avoid the banjo and julep clichés, it’s a miss not to use the scenic location to enhance the plot, which is driven by a cult hell-bent on using Grace to resurrect its icon of evil. (She could also be meant to birth it or become it . . . the magic vagina reading was unclear.) Anyway, the lackluster couple is soon surrounded by the cult in the style of The Strangers. Although she’s on the other side of the robe in this one, the costumes may have evoked déjà vu for the enchanting Unger who starred in The Jackals in 2017. Throughout the long night, the suspense meter barely moves, Lapidus is quickly forced to leave the two stragglers lost on the island of misfit movies, and dawn comes with more of a shrug than a scream. Let’s hope the same is not true for Scout’s mark on the genre! 3/5!

PIRANHA WOMEN (2022)

A doctor is turnin’ women into flesh hungry piranha mutants to cure their cancer, and one of their boyfriends ain’t too happy ’bout it. A fun collaboration ‘tween Full Moon Empire and director/writer Fred Olen Ray, this flick has a lean runtime but packs that hour with plenty of topless monsters gettin’ down and gory with above average production value. The only real sour that sticks out to me is the poor chemistry ‘mong its wooden cast who could stand to be a lot livelier fer this kinda schlock. Monstrous transformations, steamy pools, fatal nookie, mince meat chests, chomp happy boobies, bullets to the chest, mutant meltdowns, and electrified pools! 3/5! 

ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984)

After a homicidal rocker gets the chair fer randomly killin’ his band members two years earlier, his back-up singin’ girlfriend takes the center stage and is convinced her psycho lover’s come back from the grave to sabotage her tour with ‘nother murder spree. More of a howtheydunnit than a whodunnit, this heavy metal massacre is pretty transparent from the get-go with its all too obvious plot twists thanks to the filmmakers lackin’ any finesse creatin’ the red herrin’ mystery I expect from most masked slasher movies. This sucker starts and ends strong with creative kills to sweet tunes like “I’m Back” and “Rainbow Eyes,” but completely drags in the middle with buckets of pissin’ time as the killer endlessly taunts the last girl with a mere blip of tension. Fun watch but have that fast forward button ready. Hot tub drownin’, corpse hidin’, gaslightin’, rockin’ under the influence, stalkin’ galore, aerobics, electrified singin’ deaths, guitar pummelin’, coat hook impalement, diggin’ up corpses, throat slittin’, recordin’ studio massacres, and twin drama! 3/5! 

DASHCAM (2021)

When one of horror’s most insufferable last girls livestreams her reunion with an ol’ band member, the obnoxious rightwing rapper boosts her amigo’s DoorDash gig fer no great reason and gives a lift to a mysterious teenage granny whose bitin’ habits and loose bowels lead to regrettable consequences. With such an unlikable protagonist lackin’ any redeemin’ qualities, erratic action sequences, and zero explanation fer anythin’ goin’ on, this is a pretty frustratin’ found-footage flick to watch. There’s wince worthy special effects like a gal’s mangled arm caught in a steerin’ wheel, believable actin’, and a semi-impressive wrap-up when the last girl raps folks’ names in the end credits, but it ain’t ‘nough to make up fer all its tolerance testin’ sours. Newly wed car wrecks with air bag gags, explodin’ heads, mass suicides with explodin’ necks, creature crushin’, monstrous transformations, theme park chases, lotta car jackin’s, car wrecks galore, freestyle rappin’ galore, nods to COVID, high flyin’ geezers, backseat shittin’, bleedin’ mugs, explosions, human matchsticks, facial impalement, naked bicyclin’, and stapled lips! 2/5!

HORROR HIGH aka TARDY TERROR (2020)

A principle gets fed-up with students not gettin’ to class fast ‘nough and builds some kinda doomsday doodad that backfires and transforms him into a monstrous hall monitor who can brainwash every adult in town while he snatches K-12 students who ain’t in class after the tardy bell rings. When the new kid in town refuses to accept this as the norm, he rallies a gang of arcade rats to help him end the principle’s stranglehold over the community. Ignorin’ the novelty this flick was impressively made by high schoolers, this story makes absolutely no sense. Skippin’ the obvious questions like the principle’s nonsense backstory, if every student’s terrified of a booger gunnin’ fer ’em in the halls, why’s everyone drag ass to to class and wait ’til the last sec to run in a panic? Better yet, why do they even bother goin’ to a school infested with monsters at all?! If all the adults are couch potato zombies, why doesn’t this town resemble Children of the Corn more with young’ns doin’ whatever they want without fear of the law? Terrific achievement in student filmmakin’ but a frustratin’ watch. Mesmerizin’ lightshows, explodin’ pizza parlors, school dances, student on student beat downs, underground labyrinths, impaled legs, and disembowelin’! 2/5!

EVIL BONG 888: INFINITY HIGH (2022)

Rabbit tries his hand at bein’ a sober restaurateur with Eebee’s help in the kitchen, but as troublemakin’ characters from other Full Moon movies pile in fer openin’ night, the stress drives him to breakout the reality bendin’ ganje. A fun little entry in the Evil Bong series with a fair ‘mount of zingers, this is more of a collection of vignettes than a full blown sequel with half the runtime focused on customers hangin’ out with no real consequence on the overall story. While I do wish the filmmakers had taken the opportunity to expand the Evil Bong lore more, I’m happy to see the addition of Diana Prince as the maitre double d and the return of Larnell. Good times. Liplockin’ redheads, beanie weenie dishes, topless foodies, redneck weddin’ parties, interdimensional to-go orders, Karens, dine and dashin’, hand burnin’, weedblowers, shemales, flyin’ CG boobies, and cameos by Gingerdead Man, Gingerweed Man, and Barbie and Kendra! 3/5! 

THE BLACK PHONE (2022)

Set in 1968, a suburban boogeyman known as The Grabber is yankin’ young’ns off the street fer demented games of whoop-ass in his dungeon of a basement, but his latest prisoner might stand a chance with the ghosts of past victims feedin’ him survival tips over a disconnected phone. A well made suspense flick full of memorable characters and solid actin’ by some spunky young talents, this is a satisfyin’ period scare with genuine root worthy moments. The only sours fer me is the supernatural hotline suckin’ alotta of the tension outta the story with its constant spoilers, the slightly confusin’ backstory to the Grabber’s abode bein’ his childhood home or not, and the awful chemistry ‘tween the young’n’s little psychic of a sister and their drunk dad that’s anythin’ but compellin’. Black balloon M.O.s, knock-out gas, school yard brawls galore, pinball rage, skin carvin’, rubber mask abductors, booger sugar action, booby traps, beat downs with phones, dream visions, axes to the brain basket, unharmed dogs, and stranglin’! 4/5! 

ESCAPE THE FIELD (2022)

A gang of strangers wake-up in a big-ass cornfield someone dumped ’em in and slowly figure out complicated clues to escape while bein’ hunted by some kinda booger behind the rows. A sorry ‘cuse fer a thriller that shoots itself in the foot fer tryin’ to be more interestin’ than yer average escape room horror, this sucker is devoid of any character development, tension, and worst yet — any explanation fer what’s goin’ on and why. Escape room movies typically keep ya engage ’cause folks are constantly runnin’ from one progressively dangerous situation to the next. Even if the clues are convoluted as hell and hard to follow, I can still be heavily invested in the victim’s fight fer survival with ’em facin’ clear and immediate threats. Here, the threat of the mysterious killer is loosely thread throughout the flick with minor importance, and characters aimlessly wander the game without any sense of pendin’ urgency with their biggest fear bein’ starvation if they give up. Well shot and decently acted, but that’s where the compliments stop. Clue packin’ scarecrows, underground mazes, props with purpose, superhuman serum injections, super soldier on super soldier violence, impalements, spitfire corpses, stabbin’s, quicksand, and fox hole booby traps! 2/5!   

OFFSEASON (2021)

A woman races to fix her dead mama’s busted headstone on a remote island ’bout to close off from tourists, and despite every warnin’ to stay away, she finds herself in the thick of the islanders’ drama involvin’ dealin’s with a demon seekin’ payment. This sucker looks swell and all, but it’s such a terrible story. Not only is the mystery thrown out with a tell-all exposition dump at the very beginnin’, the majority of this snoozefest is the woman aimlessly runnin’ ’round town from one atmospheric scene to the next without any character or plot development while avoidin’ stagnant creeps with eerie stares. It’s sad when the best part of the movie is the hero escapin’ the horror by watchin’ a how-to trainin’ video on operatin’ draw bridges. Dancin’ geezers, blank stares galore, tentacle kills, awkward starin’ at the camera, monsters shrouded in darkness, shapeshiftin’ demons, and deceptive roads! 2/5! 

THE KISS (1988)

Some kinda voodoo parasite turned super model has been cheatin’ death by jumpin’ from one flesh bag to the next within the same family lineage, but when it tries lockin’ lips with its current host’s niece fer a new lease on life, it’ll take every bit of hoodoo it knows ‘long with a rabid muppet to possess the suspicious teen. A top-notch monster movie, this fast paced flick is a sweet mix of familiar themes from tribal curses to homewreckin’ seductresses with plenty of fun surprises ‘long the way like the parasite’s crazed lookin’ cat. There’s a couple of set-ups with no payoffs, but nothin’ that distracts from the overall enjoyment of this nutty story that culminates in one of the most outrageous endin’s that had me shoutin’ at the screen in disbelief! Bullets to the head, human roadkill, impressive car wrecks, severed legs, broken families, pulsatin’ medical dummies, ambushes from Aunt Flow, hedge trimmers through the chest, bad skin complexions, topless voodoo rituals, young’n stranglin’, bangin’ with boobs, arm breakin’ bangin’, bafflin’ rescues from the pool, questionable propane fires, escalator strangulation, and birthday cake boyfriends! 4/5!

ALLIGATOR 2: THE MUTATION (1991)

Thanks to a crooked realtor subplot, toxic waste is dumped in the city sewers and accidentally creates a Jaws emergency with a big-ass mother of a mutant gator lookin’ to gobble up a nearby fair on the lake ‘less a pair of cops can drop it dead with the help of Cajun mercenaries. Apples and oranges when compared to the original, I much prefer the grit of the first flick with all its boilin’ tension punctuated by dark humor, but this sillier sequel still manages to deliver respectable entertainment thanks to decent castin’ and special effects. I might enjoy this more if it trimmed the fat of pointless side characters, focused more on the threat of the mutated gator than the yahoo responsible fer it, and make the dialogue sound a little less Abbot and Costello. Hunters and fishermen turned gator bait, explodin’ critters, bomb swallowin’, public murders on a ferris wheel, car flippin’ fatalities, bettin’ doormen, country club wrasslin’, sewer tunnel chasin’, fairground massacres, tail thwappin’, severed legs, and hobo eatin’! 3/5! 

CRUISE INTO TERROR (1978)

A cruise off the Gulf of Mexico ‘comes a treasure hunt fer a sunken Egyptian tomb, and the passengers are violently split over whether or not a baby size sarcophagus they bring ‘board has a little Anti-Christ waitin’ to be unleashed in time fer the new Millennium. So ridiculous it’s entertainin’, this idiot box picture doesn’t make the most sense why the Anti-Christ would stay a baby for 1000 years just to grow into adulthood the second he’s dredged up, but it’s a wild ‘nough premise to hold my attention. Starrin’ a respectable humdrum ensemble of talents encounterin’ suspicious situations ‘fore buggin’ on each other over their potential roles in the world’s demise, this flick would be sweeter if it just developed one character more dynamically than the rest who could play a more pivotal role in the fate of the cruise while drivin’ home the historical significance of their actions. Shark scares, overboard danglin’, underwater burials, head crushin’, ship fires, and pulsatin’ props! 2/5! 

GHOST RIDERS (1987)

100 years after their execution, Frank Clements and his gang of Texas outlaws return as ghosts fer no real reason and hunt down their killers’ ancestors who all just happen to be in the nearby woods. This movie starts sweet ‘nough with an Old West origin story segueing to a rockin’ gang of 1980s yahoos in a flyin’ stunt show, but then takes a nosedive when I ultimately realize this is a sour scare featurin’ a forgettable cast of throwaway personalities fightin’ each other by a bunch of non-sense rules that include droppin’ spooks with regular pistols. Worst yet, there ain’t no special effects in this supernatural shoot ’em up! Instead of decomposin’ bad-asses stormin’ in to blow folks away in gore-tastic hellfire, it’s just a plain ol’ gang of cosplayin’ gunslingers poppin’ in for alotta bloodless firefigtin’ without so much as a cheesy fade effect. I’d love to see this remade where the ghost riders actually ride through the skies with the stunt planes havin’ to play a part in their defeat. Ghostly ambushes, bullets to the chest, fishin’ massacres, high-flyin’ POVs, hangin’s, botched rescues, cursin’, and ghost killin’ guns from the Ol’ West! 2/5!

GRIM PRAIRIE TALES (1990)

It’s the Ol’ West, and a bounty hunter in a bad wig crashes a travelin’ yahoo’s campsite to spit a few sorry-ass Twilight Zone tales ’round the fire ’bout pissed off Native Americans, supernatural sexcapades, family lynchin’ drama, and haunted gunmen. The only sweets worth mentionin’ in this flimsy anthology are the wraparound scenes of Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones bouncin’ their Oscar recognized talents off each other, and one of their stories endin’ with a fella gettin’ sucked into a mysterious woman’s vag mid-bang. Everythin’ else, includin’ the wraparound, suffers from lame endin’s that lack any significant punchlines, twists, or irony that’s typically expected of horror shorts. It’s not lost on me the storytellers themselves bitch ’bout these very details, makin’ the movie a little meta, but that don’t make this any better of a watch. Indian burial grounds, ear bitin’, ritualistic executions, hangin’s, demonic porkin’, quick draw fightin’, ghostly gunmen, and mistaken identity kills! 2/5!

MONSTROUS (2022)

A mama and her young’n flee to the countryside fer a fresh start, but things aren’t as they seem when a hauntin’ face huggin’ presence unravels their reality. Had my reservations ’bout this flick when I saw it was made by Chicken Soup for the Soul, and damn if I weren’t right. SPOILERS a go — this ain’t a horror flick, but one of ’em artsy fartsy emo picks amateur filmmakers in college make with a character’s mental breakdown bein’ the perfect excuse fer expressive artistic license. It comes off a little What Lies Beneath/Gothika ‘fore it pulls the rug out from under us with a kinda Fight Club twist endin’, but this ultimately leaves me pissed fer sittin’ through an hour and a half of sorry ass plot developments and narrow minded storytellin’ with no satisfyin’ payoff. SKIP! 2/5!

PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995)

When government eggheads gotta figure out how to keep a new synthetic skin from turnin’ to steel, they unknowingly experiment on a corpse-icle that’s really a dormant werewolf and create an unstoppable killin’ machine wantin’ revenge on his turncoat captors. Sweet plot, sour execution. While this sucker offers a fresh new spin on lycan flicks, it’s a snooze of a story with forgettable characters doin’ alotta nothin’ ’til the werewolf finally starts huntin’ ’em in the last 30 minutes, but even that’s a buncha pissin’ time punctuated by skimpy gore. Really needs personalities worth carin’ ’bout, and the werewolf soldier’s backstory should’ve been a slowly unraveled mystery peppered through the movie to keep me engage ‘stead of a longwinded openin’ act. It’s always frustratin’ waitin’ fer characters to catch-up to what I already know’s goin’ on. Maulin’ attacks, severed arms, cursed blood injectin’, cryo prisons, silver bullet firin’, face slashin’, claws through the chest, silver tipped rocket defenses, explodin’ beasts, and Kane Hodder decked out in John Carl Buechler’s monster mutt make-up! 2/5! 

SALEM’S LOT (1979)

In this idiot box mini-series, a writer returns to his small town roots to confront ghosts from his past in the local haunt but bumps that trauma to the backburner when he figures out a nosferatu-wannabe’s blown into town and turnin’ everyone into slow-mo bloodsuckers. While it’s cool to see Tobe “Chainsaw Massacre” Hooper turn Stephen King’s stab at vampires into home entertainment the whole family can cringe at, I ain’t the biggest fan of this 1970s spin on Dracula. The characters, settin’s, and creep factor’s all fine and memorable, but it’s the devil in the details that prevent me from fully enjoyin’ it. Like, why make such a big deal outta the Marsten House and its history if it has nothin’ to do with the current vampire infestation? And just what exactly is Barlow’s motive as monster zero? Is he turnin’ Salem’s Lot into some kinda fanger revolution or is he some demented ol’ coot who just wants to watch the world burn? Doesn’t make sense. Hypnotic stares, cheatin’ wife smackin’ off camera, workplace flings, stubborn jeep doors, freefloatin’ guests at the windows, stakes through the chest galore, housefires, glowin’ holy water, neck bitin’ galore, DIY crosses, flesh searin’, antique dealin’ henchmen, and folks impaled on mounted antlers! 3/5!

SALEM’S LOT (2004)

In this remake of an idiot box mini-series, a writer returns to his small town roots to confront ghosts from his past in the local haunt but bumps that trauma to the backburner when he figures out a vampire’s blown into town and turnin’ everyone into mean bloodsuckers. A step-up in style and special effects compared to the original Salem’s Lot, this turn of the century interpretation trades campy vamps from the ’70s for campy vamps of the 2000s and puts more emphasis on Mears as a writer, but it unfortunately fails to improve the plot points I think are big sours in the original. Why make such a big deal outta the Marsten House and its history if it has nothin’ to do with the current vampire infestation, and what’s Barlow’s reason for turnin’ a whole town into vampires? This story would be so much better if those two details were ironed out. Demolition bus chases, vanishin’ CGI ash tricks, monstrous speedin’, hypnotic stares, stakes through the chest galore, blackmail, undead weddin’s, rat snackin’, suffocatin’ deaths, near-fatal freefalls, soup kitchen chases, icy deaths, ‘nam bus drivers, fatal wrist chewin’, sunlight defenses, blood guzzlin’, buzzed priests, and morgue stakeouts! 3/5! 

A RETURN TO SALEM’S LOT (1987)

A spiritual sequel in title only, an anthropologist hopes to beat some manners into his trash talkin’ brat of a young’n with a getaway to Salem’s Lot but gets in over his head when he finds out the town’s ran by vampires wantin’ him to write a bible fer bloodsuckers. This has absolutely nothin’ to do with the Salem’s Lot mini-series! There’s no mention of events, characters, or even the Marsten House, and while some may wanna argue these are the vamps who took over Salem’s Lot at the end of that series, even that don’t jive, ’cause these fangers talk ’bout how they’ve been runnin’ this town for hundreds of years. Deceitful cash grabs aside, this flick also surprisingly sucks — and not in a good way. I’m excited to watch anything from writer/director Larry Cohen whose movies are known to be quirky and fun, but this is just chock full o’ terribly wooden performances and half-assed fight scenes that move at a mind-numbin’ pace. I’d only recommend this disasterpiece to die-hard fans and completests. Human drones, vampire huntin’ geezers, busloads of off-screen victims, fixer-upper shitholes, non-stop swearin’, young’n romances, river brawlin’, chest stakin’ galore, nap time bear traps, psych-out suicides, monstrous puppet transformations, neckin’ with boobs, town infernos, vampire pin cushions, and – somethin’ I’ve never seen ‘fore – a vampire gettin’ knocked up by a human! 2/5! 

SATURN 3 (1980)

A scientist with a superiority complex secretly kills his way to one of Saturn’s remote moon bases to develop a demigod series robot named Hector to replace the base’s isolated lovebirds, Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett, but things go awry when he and his science experiment get fightin’ mad fer Farrah’s heavenly body. Much like the lovesick Hector, this snoozefest of a sci-fi soap opera is stiff and wonky as all get out. The escalation of danger’s as thrillin’ as a ride on a rockin’ horse, there’s barely any character development to speak of, and so many longwinded shots are used to pad this sucker’s paper thin plot, 88 minutes feels like two hours. The sour that bugs me the most, however, is why the openin’ murder scene is never explained, robbin’ the warped scientist of any mystery and ulterior motives I thought he was bringin’ with him. Cut that scene out, it’s still the same movie! Couples exercisin’, big ass brain jars, severed hands, laughably HUGE interface needles, folks launched into space as bloody ice cubes, never endin’ hustlin’, claw machine attacks, dead puppers, naked stranglin’ geezers, icy pits, explosions, hats made of decapitated heads, and Farrah’s constant locks of perfection! 2/5! 

SPACE AMOEBA (1970)

Some entrepreneurs’ plans fer an exotic tourist attraction get seriously derailed when livin’ pixie dust from space crash lands on their remote island getaway and turns its wildlife into smash happy rubber monsters of gargantuan size. An amusin’ kaiju flick, this sucker successfully balances entertainin’ monster action with equally interestin’ folks caught in the middle of it all. With gnarly lookin’ creatures I think are a step above most beasts found in Godzilla flicks at the time, I can’t find any obvious sours worth bitchin’ ’bout ‘ but will point out this is the first time I’ve ever watched a dubbed picture that sounded a bit racist in its delivery. Icy cold squid monsters with light-up eyes, gross lookin’ crab monsters, mean rollie pollie turtles with extendo-necks, possessions, sabotagin’, tentacle chaos, bitin’, flashlight inspired freakouts, awkward weddin’s, burnin’ beasts, shoot ’em up defenses, explosions, bats galore, and volcanic finales! 3/5! 

BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1984)

An e.t. wind is turnin’ small town Texans into funny talkin’ zombies, and they all wanna drink the blood of a  fleein’ journalist and his nitrous-suckin’ fling ‘fore a bomb-happy general gets the go to nuke the town. While I respect this flick’s attempt to be a chuckle-worthy horror featurin’ a new breed of walkin’ dead, it leaves a lot to be desired in the story department. For every decent special effects scene involvin’ a zombie attack, there’s at least three unbearable scenes where the plot stalls for a buncha meaningless yammerin’ ‘mong yahoos strugglin’ to get their lines out. Not the easiest homemade feature to sit through, but at least it’s gotta pretty sweet theme song horror fans can add to their playlists. Severed hands, livin’ room massacres, blood pukin’ transformations, fourth wall breakin’ gags, nuclear explosions, research labs, blood vomitin’ galore, homophobia, roadside hook-ups, over the top car smashin’, street maulin’, army action, and overprotective check points! 2/5! 

LOCKOUT (2012)

When the US president’s daughter is caught in the middle of a prison riot in space, the CIA fires one of their disgraced agents into orbit to rescue her with smartass commentary. Often referred to as Escape From L.A. in space, this sci-fightin’ romp is constantly on the verge of somethin’ special but fails to make its mark with any real memorable moments or characters. Guy Pearce does an awesome job carryin’ the movie as its cynical badass with a soft side, but the script prevents him from truly knockin’ it outta the park with him performin’ ‘gainst a parade of cookie cutter inmates in a cartoony lookin’ future. Head buttin’, gunfire executions, stabbin’s galore, turncoat alliances, CIA moles, usurped presidencies, space divin’, jailbird cosplay, explosions, rough lookin’ motorcycle chases, sweet sets and spaceship models, brain damagin’ stasis, deep space ejectin’, and flash freeze fatalities! 3/5! 

HARDCORE HENRY (2015)

It’s POV the movie as we follow a mute cyborg’s non-stop shoot ’em up romp through Moscow to save his scientist fer a wife from a telekinetic albino, and his army of super soldiers. While there’s plenty of found footage horror puttin’ us in the shoes of terrified victims, this is an interestin’ (and sometimes nauseas) take on first person shooter gameplay bein’ adapted fer the big screen in a feature that’d probably kill someone with motion sickness if watched in one of ’em 4D theme park seats with VR goggles strapped to their peepers. The story’s as thin as a princess rescuin’ video game and things get a little hectic to follow from time to time, but I like this ‘nough to wish there was a traditional cinematic version to enjoy. Airship escapes, parachutin’, sky labs, firefights galore, tanks, explosions galore, chest rippin’, heart rippin’, spare part stealin’, topless brothels, booger sugar, musical avatar clones, humna matchsticks, flamethrowers, motorcycle chases, fatal shrapnel, fatal freefalls, helicopter brawls, parkourin’, song-and-dance numbers, dislodged eyes, explodin’ heads, and folks bein’ decapitated with eyeballs! 3/5! 

TRILOQUIST (2008)

A catatonic basket case and his homicidal sister are takin’ their livin’ dummy on the road to be as big a ventriloquist act as their dead mama was, but their plans fer fame and fortune are seriously derailed by alotta nonsense murderin’ and tryin’ to have an incest baby to carry their family name. This sucker has so many sweet things goin’ fer it from the cinematography to its core of an idea fer a killer dummy flick, it’s unfortunate how it just watches like the filmmakers made this shit up by the seat of their pants ‘fore desperately cobblin’ it together into any kinda coherent feature possibly inspired by the visual flair of Natural Born Killers. The one unforgettable thang this disasterpiece does offer, however, is a scene where the dummy bites a fella’s dick off after givin’ the clueless sap a blowjob. Ya won’t find Chucky or Annabelle doin’ that in one of their movies! Heroin overdoses, car jackin’, carcass puppeteerin’, severed fingers, Halloween massacres, kidnappin’, random bar dancin’ with shotguns, loony bin escapes, throat rippin’, flyin’ dummies, offscreen incest, fatal births, puppet babies, sicko snapshots, shoot ’em up stick-ups, molestin’, attempted rape, electrified deaths, and stripper auditions with boobs! 2/5! 

HOLOGRAM MAN (1995)

In the near future, criminals are imprisoned in digitized states to be reformed fer as long as it takes, but a roid ragin’ terrorist manages to bust outta computer jail and send the cops in a mad scramble to stop his quest for America’s return to democracy as an indestructible hologram in a powerful rubber suit. A bit of a Demolition Man knock-off, this sci-fightin’ action flick has a respectable ‘nough production value from recognizable actors to big set pieces and action sequences but suffers from poor pacin’ and shameful lack of character development for its hero cop performed by TV Tarzan, Joe Lara. Not bad fer a direct to video shoot ’em up with modest special effects, but a perfect example of a flick that missed the mark just ‘nough to fall short of somethin’ special. Explosions galore, bus jackin’, gunfire executions, flamethrowers, power overloads, mold press machines fer evil, confusin’ sex scenes with holograms, computer hackin’, political overthrows, future cars that look like soap box derby projects, electrical blastin’, hologram on hologram violence, bank robberies, cop killin’, and ridiculously easy VR target practices! 3/5!

THE CELLAR (2022)

As usual in a horror flick, a family blindly moves into a house unseen, and surprise surprise — it’s cursed. In this case, the house belonged to a devil worshippin’ mathematician who configured the place to be a gate to hell (’cause why not?), and the new homeowners are obsessed with openin’ it after their oldest young’n disappears in the cellar. Remindin’ me of director Lucio Fulci’s “Gates of Hell” trilogy, this flick looks fantastic and stars a talented cast but fails to effectively build tension with any satisfyin’ payoff. And as dumb as it sounds, I’m disappointed the gate’s purpose is never explored. Why did the mathematician want an express lane to hell? Did he wanna go there or was it made so the demon he worshipped could have a vacation getaway from his gruelin’ work torturin’ souls? Bottomless steps, Spirograph art, fancy Photoshoppin’ software, accidental geniuses, clues galore, Evil Dead nods with gramophones, bouncy balls, demonic goat men, soul crushin’ lines to the underworld, demon defyin’ doors, secret rooms, and gloom and doom endin’s! 2/5! 

BRAINSCAN (1994)

When Michael dares to play the hottest new game in home entertainment terror, Brainscan, the horror lovin’ high schooler is manipulated into embarkin’ on a real-life murder spree by a demonic gamemaster named Trickster. A terrifically made movie with a criminally underrated villain, this borderline slasher does unfortunately have problems in the story department. Just what is Trickster’s endgame? Is he after Michael’s soul? What exactly are the consequences if Michael just stops playin’ the game? Does Michael’s dead mama issues really play any significant role in the development of his character through any of this? Well, SPOILERS — none of it matters! It’s all a fuckin’ mulligan by the end with everythin’ revealed to be a simulation the game zapped into his noodle. Such a waste of a cool horror villain! Eye gougin’, finger bendin’, head chowin’, CGI shitstorms, severed feet, stabbin’s galore, home invadin’, manhunt fatalities, playful dogs, keep away with body parts, human remains in the fridge, rock posters galore, horror movie clubs, monstrous appetites, Primus jammin’, computer phone servants, house parties, evidence burnin’, mind control, and crushin’ deaths! 3/5! 

TARGET EARTH (1954)

A handful of confused strangers find each other after snoozin’ through a citywide evacuation and finds out it’s ’cause Earth’s bein’ invaded by killer arts and crafts robots a buncha evil fifth graders from space musta built. If these shoestring budget doomsday machines ain’t entertainin’ ‘nough fer ya, their sexist targets are. While I enjoy the comedic spats ‘tween the party hardy couple whose affection fer one ‘nother reminds me of Al and Peg Bundy from Married . . . with Children, it’s their companions’ ridiculously buddin’ romance that has me rollin’ with laughter. How often are audiences supposed to be happy a woman ends up in the arms of a fella who smacks her ’round while tellin’ her to shut-up and stay put most the time they’ve known each other? Only sour I’m knockin’ this black and white sci-fi fer, however, is its abruptly disjointed detours to the government’s side of the invasion which feels like its own separate flick as they plan the defeat of their ray blastin’ enemies with as much excitement as a janitor changin’ light bulbs one-handed. Painted laser ray deaths, noisy defenses, hotel hide-outs, well meanin’ lootin’, and jump scare corpses! 3/5!

THE BLACK SCORPION (1957)

After an earthquake creates a new volcano in Mexico, giant subterranean scorpions escape to the surface and wreak stop-motion havoc on surroundin’ villages ’til only one supreme bug remains fer a buncha eggheads to squish. A bit of a black and white snooze ’til it breaks out the puppet action in all its googly eye glory with drool, the one sour I have with this sucker is how it feels like it ends more than once with its repetitive risin’ and fallin’ climaxes makin’ it feel like serial chapters edited together to be a feature. Regardless, the cast is likeable ‘nough to be root worthy, and there’s plenty of Pee-Wee lookin’ special effects to enjoy. Phone line massacres, stingers to the chests, chinny chin chin weaknesses, monstrous cave explorin’, beast on beast violence, village massacres, big-ass worms and spiders, cave-ins, electrified spear gun huntin’ with meat, and romancin’ ranchers! 3/5! 

2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS (1983)

In an apocalyptic future where folks struggle to put the world back together, a nomadic gang of heroic Rangers make it their mission to avenge the death of a former brother-in-arms whose town has been overtaken by a neo-Nazi and his army of sci-fightin’ foot soldiers and dirt bikers. An interestin’ Texan take on The Road Warrior, this futuristic spaghetti western packs alotta unexpected twists and turns like the use of force fields and even manages to make me laugh a time or two such as when one Ranger tries hydratin’ his tortured buddy with water he didn’t know someone pissed in. Lotta bad-asses blowin’ through one action sequence after ‘nother, this ain’t high art, but it sure as hell is entertainin’! Russian roulette cheatin’, flesh bettin’, molestin’, rapin’, throat slittin’ suicides, explosions galore, settlement invadin’, knife throwin’ to the eye, enslavin’, salt mine escapes, salt shovelin’ torture, titty flashin’ attire, gunfire executions, and Native American attacks! 3/5! 

ANACONDAS: TRAIL OF BLOOD (2009)

Runnin’ with the aftermath of the last sequel’s plot, gangs of folks with different agendas are huffin’ it through the boonies of Romania and eventually cross paths at an experimental camp where a cartoon snake of abnormal size has escaped and can heal from any fatal wound they deal it. A lukewarm creature feature from the Sci-Fi channel that’s best suited fer passin’ a rainy afternoon, the plot’s a little all over the place with competin’ clicks of characters complicatin’ a plot that’s already bogged down with baggage from the last flick’s story. Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat) easily steals the spotlight as my favorite character fightin’ fer his life ‘gainst thugs and super CG snakes, but even his charmin’ screen presence can’t compensate fer half-hearted filmmakin’! Folks ripped in two, blood orchid garden, super snake serums, cave-ins, arm rippin’, gunfire executions, kidnappin’, explodin’ deaths, snake-o-vision, folks swallowed whole, super healin’ action, explodin’ reptiles, stabbin’s, head rippin’, and cartoony chases! 3/5! 

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN (1958)

When a cheatin’ husband’s emotionally needy wife comes in contact with a giant radioactive man from space, she balloons to a jealous gargantuan on a mission to steal her man back from the claws of a hotel harlot. Semi-seriously presented silliness, this black and white classic does a great job settin’ up its players fer me to get invested in, but really botches the delivery on its promise of a rampagin’ lady of problematic proportions. Not only is she a pissed off eyesore for just a few scant minutes at the end of a measly hour runtime, the filmmakers humorously repeat the same 1-2 shots of her walkin’ everywhere, and with horrible blue screen effects that make her look like a gigantic ghost. Larger-than-life rubber hands, 30 ft transparent space invaders, spaceship balls runnin’ on stolen jewelry, hunchback lookin’ dances, public displays of horniness galore, attempted divorce, hotel smashin’, powerline explosions, fatal roof collapsin’, and butler brawlin’! 3/5! 

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956)

Suspicion leads to full blown paranoia as a small town doctor finds out his friends and neighbors are bein’ quietly replaced with copycat pea pods from space that transform ’em all into emotionless bein’s whose only concern is survival. The most famous of the e.t. doppelganger flicks from the 1950s, this sci-fi thriller is a nerve-rackin’ roller coaster of one fella’s valiant fight to love and be loved as he tirelessly rebels ‘gainst seemingly impossible odds. The replacement process is a little convoluted with its explanation fer what happens to the original town folk and the endin’ is too vague fer my taste, but still a solid watch with an unforgettable performance by Kevin McCarthy. Late night rescues, town conspiracies, world dominatin’ farmers, transformative slumberin’, needle stickin’ defenses, town wide manhunts, and lotta lotta lotta runnin’! 4/5! 

FRANKENSTEIN ISLAND (1981)

A hot air balloon ride crash lands a gang of middle age yahoos on an island full of low budget oddities, and they all answer to Dr. Frankenstein’s great granddaughter who has use fer the new arrivals in her immoral experiments fer keepin’ her 200 year ol’ hubbie alive, her ancestor’s lab assistant — Van Helsing! It’s phenomenal just how borin’ this sucker is despite all the craziness it manages to pack in. Even when the screen is filled with scantily clad jungle girls, brainwashed beatniks, and a last minute resurrection of the Frankenstein monster, it’s alotta humdrum silliness that feels like the filmmakers are just makin’ shit up as they go. A meanderin’ plot with no real escalation or characters worth carin’ ’bout, this is truly one of the worst flicks I’ve ever sat through, and that’s sayin’ somethin’! Final dogs, human hammock initiations, zombie beatnik brawls, crazy eyes, obnoxious pirates, tribal girl descendants of e.t.s, kidnappin’, remote hand spasms, annoyin’ projections of John Carradine’s inane yammerin’, machine gun defenses, lab brawls, interspecies blood transfusions, and fatal experimentin’! 1/5! 

THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK (1958)

When a scientist’s genius of a son is turned to road kill, he scoops his noodle into a behemoth of a machine to preserve his intellect for the benefit of mankind, but the fella’s lack of humanity warps him into a mad monster with bafflin’ psychic powers who decides to stare folks to death with death ray peepers at the United Nations buildin’. One helluva sweet cyborg flick nobody talks ’bout, this monster movie cuts deep with problems it thinks up fer someone bein’ turned into a machine while showin’ off one of cinema’s more outlandish robot costumes. A slow but unforgettable watch, the only sour nearly sinkin’ this sucker is its harsh ivory key soundtrack and super annoyin’ radio sound effects whenever the Colossus talks. Basement labs, psychic links, mind control lightshows, psychic predictions, giant stranger danger, family feuds, United Nations massacres, water logged brains doin’ math, and emergency shut-off valves fer killer lab experiments! 4/5! 

WEDLOCK (1991)

Followin’ a backstabbin’ diamond heist, Rutger Hauer is forced to escape a private correctional facility fittin’ prisoners with randomly linked explosive collars and save his hidden loot from crooked wardens and ex-partners. Sci-fi without goin’ overboard, this is one sweet prison flick that’s right up there with Fortress in my opinion. Lotta action, tense chase sequences, plenty of characters to love and hate, and a couple of memorable head explosions to boot! Feels like the movie reaches an endin’ point more than once with all the run around but a minor sour ‘mong so much sweet fun! Explodin’ mannequins, sensory deprevation holes, golden showers, poo water, prison yard brawls to the death, sexual treats fer good behavior, human shields, hotel massacres, explodin’ helicopters, boat stealin’, elevator chases, cliff jumpin’, white water raftin’ with no raft, cop disguises, car chases, explodin’ keychains, and weddin’ crashin! 4/5! 

DEMON COP (1990)

As told by Rod Serling wannabe Cameron Mitchell, a botched blood transfusion leaves a probation officer afflicted with a werewolf-like curse that turns him into a gang bustin’ killin’ machine, and he’s itchin’ fer someone to stop him. A hard watch, this bargain bin cheapie pulls out all the cinematic tricks and shortcuts to offer some semblance of a feature length flick. Instead of a cult classic like The Toxic Avenger, it’s endless voiceovers of folks’ journals and letters to fill gaps ‘tween scenes and longwinded conversations with nothin’ but characters’ backsides. But it’s almost worth fastforwardin’ through for the few funny scenes of the Demon Cop kickin’ cartoon criminals’ asses ‘fore attemptin’ emotional scenes in the most laughable voice that reminds me of Christian Bale’s impression of Cookie Monster takin’ an angry shit fer Batman. Just skip to the Demon Cop parts for a chuckle and call it a night. Man ass, fatal crossfire, face splattin’, lawn chair throwin’, and out of place computer effect deaths?! 2/5!

ENDGAME (1983)

In the Mad Max wannabe future of 2025, the star of a televised death match show is secretly hired to assemble a team of bad asses to transport folks out of the policed ruins of a irradiated New York but might just call it all off when he learns he’s actually bravin’ savage outlands for a bus full of powerful muties the government wants to exterminate. Nothin’ fancy ’bout this spaghetti flick, but it ain’t half bad in the story department and delivers a few excitin’ scenes with a memorable gang of tough guys. Wish they could’ve pumped up the action in the openin’ Running Man act, but I love the part where they fight a town of mad blind monks usin’ a captive psychic for their eyes! Stabbin’ galore, fatal karate choppin’, kickin’ galore, psychics, ape men, lizard men, head twistin’, mutant armies, shoot ’em up galore, dirt bike armies, fatal demonstrations, awkward rapin’, topless arm candy, axes to the head, mind control suicides, crossbow gauntlets, and powerful psychokinetic young’ns! 3/5!

WEREWOLVES ON WHEELS (1971)

A roamin’ gang of desert bikers called the Devil’s Advocates pull over to party next to a Satanic temple and are lulled by devil worshippers into a dark tolerance testin’ ritual that turns its head honcho couple into a couple of werewolves the rest have to defend themselves ‘gainst. Awesome title, sucky movie. This top shelf lookin’ lycan flick promises some kick-ass scenes with an interestin’ ‘nough parade of detestable personalities, but it ultimately pisses its runtime down the drain with meanderin’ road antics and a marathon of a hoodoo ceremony. If ya can make it to the end of this supernatural spin of Easy Rider, you will be rewarded with A werewolf on a motorcycle, but just for a minute. Full frontal snake dancin’, gas station flashin’, dry humpin’ threeway, road ragin’ beat ’em ups, monstrous quicker than the eye transformations, extreme stranger danger, blood guzzlin’ with bread, lotta devil chantin’, junkyard bonfires, biker brawls, and offscreen disembowelin’! 2/5!

SPACE RAIDERS (1983)

Space pirates accidentally jack a big bad corporation’s ship with a CEO’s young’n onboard and futilely swipe at my heart strings as they bond with the doe eyed stowaway through a buncha backstabbin’ hijinks at an e.t.’s pit stop for criminals. There’s genuine effort here to produce a somewhat meaningful story, but this all just falls flat fer me with bland characters runnin’ from one snooze fest to the next written ’round alotta recycled sci-fightin’ footage and music from Battle Beyond the Stars. There’s a fun gag every now and ‘gain, the production value is nothin’ short of respectable, and I enjoy the e.t. design of the space station’s leader,  Zariatin, but overall, this is an unfortunate misfire in shortcut filmmakin’. Warehouse massacres, work droids, fatal laser shootin’, Groundhog Day space battles, stop-motion critters, fugly e.t. gals, bar brawls in space, quick draws with lasers, kidnappin’, spacecraft stealin’, and explosions galore! 2/5! 

BLACKENSTEIN aka BLACK FRANKENSTEIN (1973)

After a Vietnam soldier loses his limbs to a landmine, his fiancee signs him up fer Dr. Stein’s DNA experiments to replace ’em, but Stein’s jealous assistant sabotages the surgery in an effort to steal the vet’s wife-to-be and devolves him into a lumberin’ brute of a cannibal compelled to tear folks apart. A solid blaxploitation flick overall, this ain’t in the same league as Blacula, but is entertainin’ in its own right. I’m genuinely invested in Blackenstein’s continuous run of bad luck and there’s ‘nough story to ever keep thangs from bein’ borin’ with Stein’s other experimental patients and Blackenstein’s laughable mix of victims. Blackenstein himself could’ve been more of a personality, but no serious sours to speak of. Chest rippin’, stranglin’, bafflin’ tiger legs, needle injectin’, lotta pointless lightshow lab equipment, fountain of youth treatments, rapid agin’, straight jacket fits, murderous outtin’s, stand-up comedy acts, jazz concerts, maulin’ with boobs, attempted rape, and dismemberment by ferocious packs of dogs! 3/5! 

SMILEY FACE KILLERS (2020)

A van full o’ water obsessed killers pick a college jock at random and tease him with confusin’ text messages ‘fore finally kidnappin’ him fer a homoerotic ritual with no happy endin’. A pretty disappointin’ slasher from the author of American Psycho, this Hollywood take on loosely theorized murders behind a string of suspicious drownin’s is far from entertainin’. The biggest sour bein’ the main character havin’ no idea he’s even in danger ’til he’s kidnapped near the end, just to meet a grisly fate with no character arc to speak of much less any insight into the killers’ motives. Skip. Streakin’ with taped up genitals, blood drainin’, gas station massacres, car wrecks, bullets to the face, hacked phones, head hammerin’, softcore bangin’ with boobs, lotta man ass, and kidnappin’! 2/5!

MONSTER FROM GREEN HELL (1957)

A rocket full of mutant stop-motion wasps crashes in the jungles of Africa known as Green Hell, and it’s up to a couple of rocket scientists to go on safari and destroy the big-ass buggers ‘fore they bang out a world conquerin’ family. This sucker is disappointin’ as all get out. Not only is the movie 95% yahoos hikin’ through an endless stock footage parade of jungle critters and angry tribes, but when our heroes finally face down the wasps, they completely blow it, and their whole quest is proven pointless as a volcano fortunately destroys the nest for ’em. Only thang worse is the uncomfortable romance ‘tween one of the older scientists and a gal half his age. Spear chuckin’ through chests, brush fires, deluges, fatal lappin’ from contaminated waters, claymation fightin’ ‘tween big-ass wasps and snakes, cave chases, mutant crabs, and fatal stingin’! 2/5! 

BAD GIRLS FROM MARS (1991)

The troubled production of a low-fi skin flick ‘comes an indifferent rotatin’ door of death as a masked slasher keeps offin’ its leadin’ ladies, but the producers remain optimistic and cast a high profile bimbo to hopefully complete their picture. I’ve come to enjoy any movie directed by Fred Olen Ray, but this was a painful reminder how hard comedy can be. More Playboy humor than who-dunnit horror, the jokes are a toss up ‘tween cringe and chuckle worthy, and I found myself more interested in huntin’ fer Easter eggs from Ray’s other films like the recycled costume from Alientator. Drive-by wardrobe change with boobs, stranglin’ with celluloid, decapitatin’, liquor store stick-ups, wet tops, softcore hanky panky, awkward garbage turn ons, topless skinny dippin’, and Brinke Stevens as a gender swappin’ psycho! 2/5!

HEADHUNTER (1988)

An African bogeyman is blowin’ through immigrants in a fireworks show of decapitations fer leavin’ Nigeria fer Miami, but when he finds out two silly detectives are a threat to his mission somehow, he slows his killin’ spree down fer alotta confusin’ shapeshiftin’ games that are unnecessarily drawn out when he’s already proven multiple times he can just kill ’em without any effort. This flick is a bit of a tough watch, and that’s only ’cause of its inconsistent ability to find that sweet balance ‘tween horror and comedy. While the scenes of the monster are few and far ‘tween with kills that range from seriously dark to parodies of Jaws, the majority of the runtime is spent on this straight act cop helpin’ her overly animated partner work through a comical divorce while beggin’ their boss fer more help on their ever growin’ caseload of beheadin’s. Tolerance testin’ as this is, however, my patience pays off with a monstrous chainsaw swingin’ finale that proves to be the best part of the flick. As sweet as this is, though, it’s still a little overshadowed by my burnin’ question fer why the monster has to go as far as swappin’ spit with the cop when pretendin’ to be his ex-wife? Supernatural doppelgangers, explosive swords, underwater ambushes, decapitations galore, chainsaw fightin’, severed arms, possibly severed knee caps, resurrections, shoot ’em up perps, chantin’ crowds, shamans, and phantom shoot-outs! 2/5!

DAMNATION ALLEY (1977)

After World War III leaves America a nuclear wasteland, the remainin’ soldiers of a California missile base build themselves a G.I .Joe’s wet dream of an all terrain battle vehicle and bust ass through a mean stretch of mutant wildlife, hostiles, and disastrous weather to see if there’s any civilization left in New York. A wildly imaginative apocalyptic flick with one of sci-fi’s most memorable vehicles “The Landmaster,” this watches like a heavily condensed mini-series that speeds through alotta rough scenarios I’m sure would carry more impact if allowed to simmer a bit. Folks are killed off as quickly as they’re introduced, their replacements are half-hazardly brought ‘long fer the ride without a whole lotta regard fer safety precautions, there’s workin’ slot machines that defy the rules of nuclear aftermath, and the blue screen effects from big-ass bugs to tie-dye skies are pretty touch and go from beginnin’ to end, but it’s too fun of a ride not too enjoy! Big-ass scorpions, flesh eatin’ roaches, frisky hillbillies, rock throwin’ young’ns, junkyard disasters, nudie mag mishaps, human matchsticks, explodin’ bases, nuclear strikes galore, tornadoes, tsunamis, free floatin’ vehicles, fatal tumbles, and dirt bike stunts galore! 4/5! 

RAIDERS OF THE SUN (1992)

In a post nuclear future, two wasteland armies wage war over gunpowder ‘stead of gasoline, and two comrades split up to rescue one of their abducted wives while the other hunts down a rumored potassium mine fer superior firepower. Pure non-stop shoot ’em up action, this flick has very little story or character beyond a buncha cardboard personalities runnin’ through yer typical damsel in distress video game plot of killin’ every bad guy on the way to a end game destination. It’s excitin’ stuff, sure, but without anyone fer me to care ’bout much less root fer, it’s just an hour and a half of relentless gunfire and explosions. Besides a rope swingin’ death match, the most memorable scene I took away from this is a gang of scared little folk bein’ doused in gas fer a helluvit execution. Don’t see that everyday! Explosions galore, gunfire galore, Mad Max wannabe attack vehicles, harem dungeons, attempted rapes, plunderin’, village massacres, stick fightin’, nicks and scratches that require combustible healin’, tribal romances, stabbin’s, cave-ins, and money grabbin’ bets with venomous snakes! 3/5! 

I WAS A TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN (1957)

Professor Frankenstein works double-time as a genuine dick who’s secretly hodge podgin’ together a hunk of a teen freak he treats like lab equipment in his basement full of gators while bein’ one of the worst fiancés ever committed to celluloid to a hopeless romantic. Yup, I was naturally drawn to watch this black and white drive-in classic for its spin on the monster as a teenager, but his pop’s the real horror show I can’t wait to see get his comeuppance. His relationship (if ya wanna call it that) with his doe eyed fiancée is nothin’ short of a Ruin My Lifetime movie of the week, and the only thang more laughable than the breakin’ point bein’ him wantin’ to smuggle Teen Frank over international borders in pieces is the filmmakers’ startlin’ decision to suddenly have the movie in color ’cause someone gets electrocuted. Huh?! Offscreen car wrecks, corpse thievin’, face stealin’, home invadin’, escaped science projects, folks turned gator chow, electrocutin’, and stranglin’! 3/5! 

IT CONQURED THE WORLD (1956)

A joke of a scientist makes contact with a race of teepee shaped e.t.s from Venus and is manipulated into helpin’ one of ’em come to Earth on a quest fer peace that non-surprisingly turns out to be the first phase in interplanetary takeover with emotion killin’ mind control and electromagnetic pulse attacks. More talk than monster puppet action, this Roger Corman classic is a respectable flick with competent ‘nough actin’, but the real takeaway is Beverly Garland’s unforgettable rant at the monster ‘fore chargin’ into its infamous screen debut fer the grand finale ya have to see to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! Panned as one sci-fi’s sillier lookin’ monsters, I actually like the Venusian’s bizarre shape and how dramatically different it looks from most other humanoid booger beasts. Flyin’ star critters, mind controllin’, blowtorches to the eye, and messages from deep space! 3/5!

ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES (1967)

If ya seen Invasion of the Saucer Men, you’ve seen Attack of the Eye Creatures. Nearly a blow by blow remake of the campy classic, this flick spins the same tale of horn dog teens and out of town opportunists beggin’ the police to shoot e.t.s they encounter in the boonies ’til they figure out they can defeat the rubber suit invaders with their cars’ headlights. Barely a step-up from the original with this sucker bein’ in color, I hoped it would at least offer more impressive lookin’ monsters, but they barely live up to the title as these bulbous marshmallow men with big honkin’ zippers in the back. They’re put to much better use in The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini. Severed e.t. hands with minds of their own, teens parkin’, angry old farmers with shotguns, explodin’ UFOs, e.t. roadkills, executions by headlights, and balloon blowin’ breathalyzer tests! 2/5!

SKINLESS aka THE BALLAD OF SKINLESS PETE (2013)

An ego-trippin’ doctor injects himself with an experimental serum concocted from a flesh eatin’ parasite to cure his cancer, but he gets more than he bargains fer as he’s transformed into a skinless acid vomitin’ freak with a taste fer carcasses and decides now’s a good a time as any to act on his lust fer his reluctant lab partner. An impressively ambitious indie that makes the best with what little it’s got on a shot on video budget, this all too familiar tale of mad science exploits its limitations to their fullest and manages to make a fairly memorable flick full of DIY gore and nudity with a monster who reminds me of Kevin Bacon’s Hollowman crossed with Jeff Goldblum’s Brundle Fly. I don’t know why everythin’ happens in one place as if the filmmakers were under house arrest or why they think it’s important fer me to see a woman full on piss in a bucket, but I’m willin’ to forgive these oddball decisions in light of what they accomplished. Full frontal bush, dongs in a literal bloodbath, face peelin’, puppet dissectin’, inside out dog puppets, head pummelin’, face meltin’, limb eatin’, whip action tongues, hand tearin’, romantic fast food dinners, full blown body meltdowns, kidnappin’, and mace hidden in vaginas! 3/5! 

BATTLETRUCK (1982)

In an apocalyptic settin’ that could very well be sharin’ real estate with The Road Warrior, a militant band of marauders cruise the wastelands in a souped-up semi fer a mobile headquarters and meet their match when their leader’s daughter defects into the arms of a community’s fearless dirt biker. A decent Mad Max wannabe overall, this has ‘nough fender bender action to keep me interested in seein’ its toyetic foes battle it out on the back roads of New Zealand, but lacks any interestin’ character arc to really pull me into the heart of the story. One of the best moments is when the hero trades his dirt bike fer an armed stunt buggy and tears through the bad guys’ camp like a gimmicky RC toy commercial! Crossbows to the shoulder, malformed hands, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’, beatdown initiations, tolerance testin’ helicopter shots, village massacres, explosions, fatal freefallin’ wrecks, and bazooka action! 3/5! 

TALES FROM THE HOOD 2 (2018)

Before a private contractor unveils his new crime fightin’ toon bot, he hires a professional storyteller to help develop its ability to recognize society’s biggest threats with a buncha twisted supernatural tales full of thieves and murderers at their worst. A decently entertainin’ sequel with a hysterically funny Keith David replacin’ Clarence Williams III as the devilish host, Mr. Simms, this top shelf lookin’ anthology boasts some humorously meaningful stories with alotta great actin’, but completely bombs when it comes to all their endin’s save the “Robo Hell” wraparound. Fer all the great set-ups its tales have with “Good Golly” and “The Medium” bein’ my favorites, most of ’em close out on a frustratingly sour note with confusin’ twists and ill fittin’ comeuppance. Especially in the clever yet overly preachy segment, “The Sacrifice,” which still baffles me why exactly the councilman was required to die to keep history on track given what little I know ’bout time travel. I still prefer the original Tales From the Hood, but this sucker’s worth a watch if just to see Keith happily hollerin’ ’bout “The shit!”. Torso chompin’ doors, dry humpin’ with larger than life gollie dolls, explodin’ gollie doll births, disembowlein’ whippin’, possessions, fatal punchin’, kidnappin’, home invadin’, head twistin’, glass eatin’, psychic show phonies, electrocutions, paranormal time travelin’, KKK dystopias, vampy ladies, roofies, and cartoon lasers galore! 3/5! 

TALES FROM THE HOOD 3 (2020)

While sneakin’ through a mysterious graveyard to a surprise endin’, Tony Todd gets an earful of a little girl’s humdrum tales featurin’ real estate scandals gone to hell, monologue heavy racists, Skeleton Key wannabes, and ironic voodoo justice. With the exception of Tony’s wraparound and the chuckle worthy tale of a guy rapidly decomposin’ in a pair of cursed kicks, this wet blanket of a sequel is nowhere near as fun or witty as the first two Tales From the Hood. As saturated of laughs as it is color, especially with no Mr. Simms to liven things up, these tales are painfully predictable with all too familiar twists and just a drag to watch. The best part of the movie fer me is rememberin’ a little girl is tellin’ the story when a kook in one of the more slightly clever segments happily orders a prop in his inflatable threeway to have some of his ass taco! Only recommended for die-hard Hood fans. Human matchstick ghosts, spooky prank calls, arson, bullets to the chest, fatal punch-outs, shitty britches, livin’ rigormortis, spiritual switcheroos, human zoos, demon young’ns, axe murderers, kidnappin’s, and decapitated ghost brats! 3/5!

THE DEEP HOUSE (2021)

Desperate fer YouTube views, a pair of urban explorers scuba dive to the bottom of a man-made lake to check out an underwater mansion and quickly find out it’s haunted by the ghosts of kiddie killin’ Satan worshippers who want ’em to stick ’round fer all the wrong reasons. Better than I expected, this gimmick of a (mostly) found footage flick delivers on creeps and tension while keepin’ things engagin’ with the two divers talkin’ and even listenin’ to music through their head gear, but is a little hard to follow at times with everythin’ shrouded in heavy shadows and debris ‘long with sporadically cut action sequences. Despite these minor sours, however, it’s a solid story with a clever spin on the ol’ haunted house tropes and even borrows a little bit from Event Horizon ‘fore all’s said and done. Supernatural influences, stabbin’s, hooks in limbs, underwater drones, paranormally blocked exits, torture chambers, drownin’s, and larger than life crucifixes! 3/5! 

THE CURSE OF HUMPTY DUMPTY (2021)

When two sisters take their mama back to their childhood home to deal with her dementia, she accidentally restarts a whole slew of bad luck she forgot surrounded a demon possessed Humpty Dumpty doll she already defeated years ago . . . or did she? This British flick has ‘nough interestin’ ideas and movie makin’ skill for a fairly entertainin’ movie, but it unfortunately drops the ball as far as execution is concerned. It constantly beats me over the head with endless scenes establishin’ the state of the mom’s mental health which was accomplished in the first two minutes, the twist is telegraphed so early on, it’s frustratin’ havin’ to wait fer the other characters to catch up, and worse yet — the filmmakers try pullin’ one of ’em Fight Club endin’s that might dismiss the whole killer doll theme. Good lookin’ actresses and a couple of effective scares in a cheap dummy costume is all this really has to offer when all’s said and done. Stabbin’s, buried bodies, tragically bloody pasts, and ritualistic sacrifices! 2/5!

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953)

An astronomer discovers a crashed meteorite is really an e.t. vessel, but ’cause law officials are too lazy to dig out his wild claim, the town finds itself invaded by shapeshiftin’ doppelgangers just lookin’ to leave their dirtball planet. The black and white 3D classic that kick-started the body snatchin’ trend buncha ’50s sci-fi flicks would ‘come known fer, this is a real solid production featurin’ some wild lookin’ puppet peepers from space. I find it laughable how dismissive everyone seems to be fer investigatin’ the meteorite crash site and can’t help but chuckle at some of the deep dialogue blue collar workers spew (thanks to Ray Bradbury contributin’ to the script), but the real sour to fault the movie fer is its lack of tension and stakes. Other than a few people missin’ with imposters in their place with no hostile motives, what am I supposed to be on the edge of my seat fer? U.F.O.s on strings, explosions, kidnappin’, painted laser rays, big ol’ ray guns, fatal freefalls, home invadin’ closet thefts, e.t. peeper-o-vision, and quick shot of a dead coyote! 3/5! 

EVIL DEAD TRAP aka TRAP OF THE DEAD SPIRITS (1988)

With absolutely nothin’ to do with Evil Dead, Evil Dead Trap is ’bout killer mutant brothers trickin’ a late late show host into bringin’ her TV crew to their abandoned factory hideaway so they can kidnap her to replace their absent mama. The first bizarre entry in a trilogy starrin’ a fetal mastermind, this Japanese flick plays like a forebodin’ spaghetti horror with some nutso action that questionably flip flops ‘tween bein’ supernatural or not. The guiltiest example of this is when a gal is pierced by bafflin’ larger than life stakes that erupt outta nowhere. Is this an elaborate booby trap or some reality bendin’ attack? Aside from that and sex scenes that linger waaay too long fer comfort (consensual or not), this flick does manage to reel me in with its bonkers reveal of the chest burstin’ fetus slasher at the end and wanna see the rest of this series. Definite and questionable rape with boobs, mind warped watch dogs, umbilical cord stranglin’, self sacrificin’ suicides, human matchsticks, fatal freefalls, decapitations, stabbin’s galore, crossbow shootin’, arrows to the head, booby trapped doors, blades to the side of the face, bottle rocket action, and mutant killers hidin’ in their victims’ ovaries! 3/5!

NUDIST COLONY OF THE DEAD (1991)

Church hatin’ nudists commit suicide after cursin’ Bible thumpers for shuttin’ down their colony and now rise from their graves for revenge by dismemberin’ the periodic spiritual retreat for the town’s horn dog teens. Havin’ watched the restored version that hacks together original footage with shot-on-video back-ups and redone credit sequences, I didn’t know what to expect from this flick, but I can honestly say I was pretty let down by the time the end credits rolled. It kicks off with hags, boobs, and an amazin’ theme song every horror fan should add to their Halloween playlist, but then spends most the run time on a van full of victims who’re just a buncha one note characters repeatin’ the same jokes over and over ‘gain ‘stead of actually tellin’ a story with the briefest topless ghoul action in the third act. Even worse — this is a fuckin’ musical! Nothin’ wrong with that mind ya, but I saved my eardrums the strain and just fast forward through that noise, savin’ me from watchin’ as much as a third of the movie. Folks cut in half, runnin’ leg props, suicide pacts, posionin’, campsite massacres, yackin’ decapitated heads, human roadkill, Bible swallowin’, fatal freefalls from cliffs, no flesh eatin’, ear severin’, no dongs, drivin’ dead, lowest hangin’ tits ever committed to celluloid, redneck strip poker, helicopter rescues, raps, and unexpected twist endin’s! 2/5! 

I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE (1958)

Men are bein’ replace by alcohol hatin’ e.t. doppelgangers needin’ to mack on their Earth wives to keep their race from goin’ the way of the dodo, but one housespouse is on to their plans and looks for help from anyone who’ll believe her. Kind of a less paranoid fueled version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, this is a solid monster movie through and through’, but the characters ain’t all that compellin’, and there’s barely any escalation of danger. The most entertainin’ parts are the unexpected bursts of violence from a stalker shootin’ a cop in broad daylight to e.t.s zappin’ hussies dead in the street. Worst scene is the unbelievable treatment of a new pet dog whose screen time is really short if ya know what I mean. Spaceship invadin’, freefloatin’ folks, kidnappin’s, gunpoint street executions, accidental murder by oxygen, disintegratin’ rays, doggies killed offscreen, and oatmeal meltdowns! 3/5! 

THE EARTH VS THE SPIDER (1958)

After a small town manages to poison a big ass tarantula and stuff its carcass in the high school gym fer study, a band’s rowdy jam session rocks the critter back to life to be defeated all over ‘gain as it rampages through the streets. A stereotypical 1950s drive-in flick with hot roddin’ teens and lawmen fightin’ a live action critter through the magic of trick photography, this ain’t a bad watch. What’s really surprisin’ is the gore I didn’t expect to see, from a car wreck victim gettin’ blood splattered ‘cross his face in the openin’ scene to shots of victims the spider drained to mummified husks of a bein’s. Only sour worth mentionin’ is the annoyin’ dialogue and motives ‘tween the high school sweet hearts who first warn the town ’bout the mysterious mutant eatin’ their friends and family. Skeletons galore, curiously well lit caves, fatal swattin’, crushed spiders, fatal freefalls with impalement, electrocutions, explosions, house wreckin’, car wrecks, major extermination jobs, and pea shooter defenses! 3/5!

VOODOO WOMAN (1957)

Deep in the jungle, a tribe’s witch doctor helps a mad scientist combine the magic of voodoo with biochemicals to turn folks into fugly super bein’s, and just when they didn’t think they had the right test subject, a homicidal treasure hunter trades herself as a guinea pig fer gold while her captive tour guide fights fer an escape from the movie. A competent black and white flick with likeable heroes and damsels as well as entertainin’ villains, the only thang I’d bash this fer is its lack of monster footage and failure to ramp up the action the first (and what should’ve been the only) time the femme fatale’s turned into the cursed voodoo woman. I’d like to think the filmmakers were shyin’ ’round the monster fer a big reveal at the end, but I think they were just too embarrassed to show this recycled booger suit from The She-Creature (1956). Fatal gunshots to the back and gut, golden idols, monstrous dissolves, emotionally abused trophy wives, spears to the back, basement laboratories, attempted human sacrifices at the stake, insta-telepathy, voodoo dolls, conga drum concerts, lap singers, offscreen rape and murder, and one of the stupidest falls to someone’s death ever committed to celluloid! 3/5! 

THE SUPER INFRAMAN (1975)

In response to an underdwellin’ dragon woman tryin’ to rule the world with a small army of rubber suit monsters, a scientist turns a willin’ soldier into a chop socky cyborg hero with incredibly convenient super powers and turns him loose on the invadin’ enemies with explosive results. If ya seen Masked Rider, Ultraman, or Power Rangers, ya pretty much seen Super Inframan. It’s all the same high kickin’, painted laser mayhem I’ve seen a bajillion times ‘fore, complete with a hot minute of spontaneous larger than life fist fightin’ on top of miniatures. Regardless, it’s still a fun watch with barely any story to follow, and the endin’ is a beat ’em up bonkers of an extravaganza ya gotta see to disbelieve! Punchin’ galore, kickin’ galore, explosions galore (but not as many as ya might expect), brainwashin’, kidnappin’, monstrous boat rides, fatal freefalls to the Earth’s core, turncoat spies, mutant bug crushin’, plant tentacle fightin’, heroic transformations, monsters galore, dirt bike chases, car wrecks, human matchsticks, fast freeze fight moves, icy confinement, monstrous decapitatin’ galore, boneyard brawls, robot slinky fightin’, laser shootin’ galore, explosive trick hands, and some of the most confusin’ cybernetic surgeries ever committed to celluloid! 3/5! 

FULL ECLIPSE (1993)

A fearless cop with interpersonal hang-ups is seriously peer pressured into a new crime unit that uses a drug for takin’ a bite outta crime as werewolves, but this pack’s alpha ain’t all he seems to be the closer they come to cleanin’ up the streets fer good. While this flick has everythin’ from a respectable cast to a swank lookin’ production in its favor, it’s ultimately a snooze of a shallow action thriller featurin’ a two-pistol firin’ hero with as much personality as a pair of shades who doesn’t even go feral ’til almost an hour in. In desperate need of a little fun and characters with dimension, the one thang that almost makes this sucker worth watchin’ is its full blown werewolf fight at the end. Stress on “almost.” Garden party massacres, hot pursuits on foot, super jumpin’, drive-by shootin’s, club terrorists, sneaky hostage rescues, bodily fluid removal, bangin’ initiations without boobs, injectin’ galore, super workouts, monstrous transformations, confusin’ Wolverine claws, drug bust massacres, monstrous mugs, and bullet swallowin’ suicides! 2/5!

STAR SLAMMER aka STAR SLAMMER: THE ESCAPE aka PRISON SHIP (1986)

In a far flung future, an ex-miner plots her escape from space after bein’ wrongly sentenced to hard time on a cramp little prison ship full of feisty caged women under the watch of a masochistic warden and her torture happy crew. A women in prison flick set in outer space from B movie favorite Fred Olen Ray sounds like an awesome time to turn yer noodle off fer, but this sucker unfortunately fails to match my enthusiasm. Despite its respectable production value, it fails to give me a heroine with any substance much less character development to break her out from the rest of her one note cellmates and horribly squanders its more engagin’ heavies in one forgettable scene after ‘nother. This should be waaay more fun that it is with more cheesy scene chewin’ dialogue, laser fightin’, and boobs thrown in, but at least I get to see the e.t. from The Deadly Spawn get recycled for a space booger the jail birds gotta fight. Space leech bitin’, whippin’, offscreen paddlin’, puppet fightin’, flash o’ boobs while gettin’ dressed, malformed hands, little person violence, cat fightin’, humorous harmonica diddies, deadly frisbee slop plates, hand severin’, explosions, dry humpin’ with motorboatin’, ghost priests, misguided holy rollers, mind control procedures, mutant rat puppets, and ittie bittie RC bots! 2/5!

THE WHOLE TRUTH (2021)

When two teens’ mama ends up in a coma, their whisked away to their estranged whack jobs fer grandparents’ house where they find a mysterious hole in the wall revealin’ past family shame tied to a blood vomitin’ ghost. A stylish supernatural drama from Thailand, this flick keeps my interest with its engagin’ character interactions and twisty reveals behind the forebodin’ hole in the wall, but it does get a little too convoluted fer its own good. While I can forgive the family’s overcomplicated backstory fer their tragic past, the movie’s distractin’ subplots is where I start demandin’ cuts to the runtime due to a poor set-up fer the drama behind the mom’s car accident to the daughter’s confusin’ slut shamin’ side story over a peepin’ Tom’s video of her in the locker room shower. Maybe it’s a cultural thang. Disappearin’ ghost holes, poisoned kitties, fatal milk guzzlin’, near fatal hit-and-runs, human matchsticks, daddy justice, lotta blood vomitin’, obnoxious pervs, fuedin’ cheerleaders, handicap hatin’, bloody noses, shapeshiftin’ ghosts, and bum raps fer murder! 3/5!  

THE DEMOLITIONIST (1995)

An undercover pip squeak is kinda-sorta-maybe-not really killed on the job tryin’ to bust the ringleader of her city’s gang problem and is turned into the police department’s newest experimental weapon ‘gainst crime with insta-healin’ nanotechnology, an assload of guns, and a bullet proof bike. If ya suck all the cleverness and humanity outta Robocop, add a pinch o’ Universal Soldier, and set it in a slightly confusin’ Demolition Man-ish dystopia where nano tech exists in a world where folks still use flashbulb cameras from the 1950s, ya get The Demolitionist. Every character is so flat and one dimensional, it’s comical whenever its leadin’ ass-kicker Nicole Eggert tries havin’ a meaningful moment with any emotional impact. Between her rushed introduction and lack of development as the Demolitionist, there’s just nothin’ fer me to invest in much less root fer as she blows bad guys away in some of the laziest shoot ’em up sequences I’ve ever seen. This flick has one savin’ grace, however, and that’s writer/director Robert Kurtzman from KNB EFX Group castin’ an impressive round-up of who’s who in horror movies to play the secondary characters like a never-endin’ string of cameos. Makes fer a fun game to try and spot ’em all. Hotel shoot-em ups, bank shoot-em ups, self sacrificin’ games of Russian roulette, wishy washy pseudo-science, electric chair executions, accidental deaths by electrified pee, jailbreaks, bullets to the face, explosions galore, unfortunate tan colored pants, self drivin’ bikes that explode, acupuncture chairs inducin’ visions of devils, self healin’ wrist slashin’, rapid decomposin’, mens room meet-ups, city hall ambushes, botched taser attacks, and ear rippin’! 2/5! 

SCREAM (2022)

Ghostface survivors can’t believe Woodsboro is bein terrorized by ‘nother movie obsessed killer callin’ their asses ‘fore he guts ’em, and this time the murders center ’round the descendants of the folks involved in the original murder spree started by Billy and Stu in ’96. A completely unnecessary sequel – requel – whatever ya wanna call it, I feel like this sucker shoots itself in the foot parodyin’ the very trend it’s pokin’ fun at regardin’ fans’ extreme reactions to Hollywood’s laziness to constantly rinse-repeat bankable properties through the theaters with controversial results. This time, Scream’s knack fer bein’ a self aware horror kinda backfires, and it ‘comes the very movie it’s makin’ fun of which makes it a buzzkill of a lackluster watch. As a casual fan, I don’t give a shit ’bout any of the new characters, I ain’t too fond of what’s done with the series’ mainstays, and worst of all — it’s missin’ that fun factor Wes Craven always managed to slip in there without fail. His directorial presence is sorely missed. Stabbin’s galore, instant human matchsticks, surprisingly strong little girls, ridiculous hospital ambushes, impaled hands, cloned phones, redneck flings, throat slittin’, bullets to the chest, near fatal freefalls, knives through the neck, a tolerance testin’ sequence of bogus scares, home invadin’, mama drama, and ghost dads! 3/5!

VAMPIRES: LOS MUERTOS (2002)

On the warpath to exterminate every vamp killer in Mexico, a mean she-vamp has a change of plans when she learns a kindly vampirette has the cure fer sunlight in an experimental prescription, but she’ll have to fight through a bus full of fang hunters lead by rocker Jon Bon Jovi to get it. A spiritual sequel to John Carpenter’s Vampires, this sucker’s a well made film with all the benchmarks of decent storytellin’ accented by the bells and whistles of gory special effects, but it lacks character development, originality, plot consistency regardin’ the villainess’ goals, and more importantly — a fun factor. Without someone like James Woods bringin’ pizzazz to this thang, it’s just a soulless run of the mill action flick I never care to see twice. Most memorable moment is the oldest son from Family Matters puttin’ on his best tough act as he bows outta the picture sayin’, “You ain’t lived ’til you got head from a vampire.” Arrows through the torso, vampires harpooned and turned into screamin’ bonfires, decapitations galore, impaled hearts galore, confusin’ blood transfusions, church massacres, telepathic visions, thermal spyglasses, dirt naps, throat slittin’ galore, diner massacres, kidnappin’s, speedy bloodsuckers, spear fishin’ fer vamps, tow line strategies, ritual sacrifices, leg drainin’, attempted burnin’ at the stake, stake firin’ guns, sword fightin’, car wrecks, and blowjobs that make you vampires’ lackeys! 3/5! 

DINOSAURUS! (1960)

A TNT happy construction crew in the Caribbean accidentally blows claymation dinos outta extinction from a watery grave, and when their bafflin’ preserved carcasses are reanimated by a random bolt of lightenin’, all hell breaks loose as islanders ‘come dino lunch while a reawakened caveman is comically introduced to cross dressin’. A fun little slice of dino cinema ‘fore Jurassic Park turned every prehistoric themed flick into computer algorithms, this charmin’ monster movie never takes its self too seriously, packs a couple of gory surprises I don’t expect, and offers a nice round-up of quirky characters worth hecklin’ for all the best reasons. I kinda feel like the caveman wasn’t used to his fullest potential storywise, and the star young’n of this thang gets annoyin’ quick, but it’s all still entertainin’ none the less. Last stand fortresses, underwater rescues, prehistoric sized fishin’ tales, bus crushin’, Play-Doh stunt doubles, town drunk snackin’, flesh eatin’ t-rexes, dino back ridin’, overdone caveman gags involvin’ wonders of the 20th century, friendly brontosaurus, t-rex versus mechanical diggers, young’n abuse, steel drum nightlife, fatal freefalls from cliffs, and quicksand deaths! 3/5! 

FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED (2000)

After a music therapist rocks a confused rubber room resident into rememberin’ he’s a demon’s perma grin assassin who haphazardly traded his soul to avenge his wife’s murder with super powers from Hell, his underworld drama turns her life upside down as she gets mixed up in his over the top fight outta his contract ‘gainst a kinky cult knockin’ on Satan’s door. When I hear the talents behind flicks like Bride of Re-Animator made a hard hittin’ Spawn wannabe based on an erotically gory comic fer adults (published years ‘fore McFarlane’s hit funny book FYI), I’m all in! Unfortunately, the editin’ of this down ‘n dirty super flick suffers from a wonky narrative structure cut at a pretty franetic pace. Scenes that’re supposed to develop characters and create an unravelin’ mystery just feel rushed and jumbled, leavin’ me confused by the villains’ overall reason for openin’ a gate to hell and indifferent to anyone’s plight. This is just ridiculous ‘nough to check out thanks to Screaming Mad George’s unforgettable creatures and effects, but I much prefer the filmmakers’ first time out adaptin’ super duper literature, The Guyver! Throat slittin’, satanic orgies, BDSM torture chambers, upsettin’ metal tunes, contemplative suicide, slashin’ galore, subway trains cut in half, rape trauma daddy issues, big ass puppet monsters from hell, human matchsticks, gut dwellin’ pythons fed into puppet heads, dinner party bloodbaths, floggin’, caged beauties, gals turned to puddles of ass and squirtin’ boobs, BDSM brainwashin’, monstrous off-screen transformations, bird flippin’ heroes, soul dealin’, flesh dissolvin’ acid, live burials, hell brawlin’ skeletons, portals to hell, dark rituals, shish kabob henchmen, and heart eatin’! 2/5! 

MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1987)

After a cock-blocked night in bed with a bloodsuckin’ cougar, a high schooler reluctantly finds himself turnin’ into a vampire and, with the help of his friend and a ol’ bat of a mentor, outwits obsessed fang killers while scorin’ a date with the band geek of his wet dreams. Waaay better than I expected, this flick is like watchin’ Buffy the Vampire Slayer if Buffy were the vampire and is a fun flashback to how I wanna ‘member the 1980s with all its ridiculously layered fashion, pizza parlor neon, and overly hysterical songs. There ain’t any gore or boobs to see, but the rockin’ soundtrack, teenage hijinks, and David Warner cast as the Van Helsing wannabe more than makes up for that. Late night nookie with underwear ads, shower dreams with castratin’ nuns, trick mirrors, lotta car chases, jump cut wolf transformations, flyin’ teens, car thefts, crossbow stakes, handbooks to bein’ a vampire, pig blood drinks of all varieties, homophobia, finger suckin’, mansion torchin’, mi-stakin’ identities, and cruel intentions toward upset canines! 4/5! 

SEVERED TIES (1992)

A scientist luckily figures out how to regrow limbs usin’ reptile DNA just ‘fore losin’ his own arm in an automatic door accident, but one major side effect is his new appendage keeps runnin’ off as a sentient tentacle creature with more regeneratin’ in its place. Can he perfect the mutation fer the better of mankind ‘fore his smotherin’ fat cat mama steals his formula for a fat check? I would think Fangoria Magazine could make a great horror movie given — well — they’re FANGORIA, but their attempts are always “meh” at best. In this case, I’m excited to watch a mad scientist flick with special effects and creatures by KNB EFX Group and talents like Garrett Morris (Chocolate Chip Charlie from The Stuff!) on screen, but the lead actor ain’t all that compellin’, the cinematography feels flat, and the directin’ lacks any creative vision. Perfect example of an interestin’ ‘nough flick deservin’ a better executed remake. Small armies of reptile arms, lotta limb regeneratin’, hand bitin’ reptile puppets, human DNA blenders, mute love interests, monstrous leg growin’, family of handicaps, kidnappin’s, gene splicin’ with full body regeneratin’, chokin’, and chests impaled with monster puppets! 2/5! 

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, PART 2 (1996)

While pickin’ up a few bucks as a shit shack handler, Henry ‘comes buds with a professional arsonist and introduces the torch to the stress relievin’ perks of murder ’til their friendship breaks bad. A completely unnecessary sequel, this flick tries its best at copycatin’ the nasty energy of the original without bein’ a total rehash, and nearly succeeds, but fails to capture that raw tenacity that kept me glued to the screen the first time ’round. Neil Giuntoli does a bang-up impression of Michael Rooker’s performance of Henry to keep things feelin’ consistent, but unfortunately, the story’s so damn depressin’, there’s zip entertainment to be had in all its forgettable doom and gloom. Awkward sex scenes with no boobs, bullet to the head suicides, emotionally disturbed girlfriends, throat slittin’, stabbin’s galore, explosions, kidnappin’, home invadin’, decapitatin’, suffocatin’ with pillows, roofied drinks, arson galore, neck snappin’, impaled noses, stranglin’ with trash bags, offscreen dismemberment, and dry humpin’ homeless shelter rape! 2/5! 

MY DEMON LOVER (1987)

As a monstrous killer is makin’ headlines in the news, sweet ol’ doormat Denny is out to prove love conquers all when she falls fer a bum who’s cursed to turn into a hideous demonoid whenever he’s sexually triggered. A sweet little flick that’s as funny as it is charmin’, this forgotten gem from the house that Freddy built deserves a watch by horror comedy fans everywhere. The leadin’ lovebirds have genuine screen chemistry, every character is worthy of me rootin’ fer or ‘gainst ’em, and the special effects are terrifically over the top from monstrous transformations to explodin’ heads! Flyin’ rescues, explodin’ cars galore, kidnappin’, demonic possessions, street fortune tellers, subway sax playin’, home thefts, psychics, demonoid dry humpin’, stabbin’s, manglin’, demon killin’ daggers, fruit burgers, castle hideouts, birthday pizzas, and shapeshiftin’! 4/5! 

TERROR TOONS 3 (2015)

The aftermath of the first flick is revisited with a confusin’ mulligan as Doctor Carnage and his victims rise from the dead at the hospital fer more Photoshop mayhem, but just when the gore starts flyin’, the movie takes an unexpected turn and devotes the majority of its skimpy runtime to the godfather of gore, Herschell Gordon Lewis, readin’ an entirely unrelated fairy tale ’bout fucked up live action versions of Red Ridin’ Hood and the Big Bad Wolf fightin’ crooked cops in cartoon land. Don’t get me wrong, the Terror Toons movies are a hair’s breadth from bein’ totally unwatchable, but I absolutely hate how the filmmakers completely abandoned Satan’s plot for world conquest established in the last two movies and dupe me with this bait and switch bullshit to watch some inconsequential short crammed with Adult Swim humor cranked to 11. Even worse, the few minutes actually actual meant to be a Terror Toons sequel has zero plot. It’s just an unrelentin’ fever dream of chaotic splatter gore explodin’ ‘cross the screen in a bloodbath of home video practical effects and cut ‘n paste animation. I say skip it, and fangs crossed part 4 is closer to how these weirdo flicks were started! Gore galore and full frontal fer boys and girls with boobs big ‘nough to destroy buildings! 2/5! 

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022)

When a gang of green lookin’ real estate investors try auctionin’ off a ghost town in Texas as the next hot spot for hipster renovations, they accidentally stress an ol’ local to death whose passin’ brings a pissed off Leatherface outta retirement to avenge her with an unrelentin’ bloodbath. Kinda its own direct sequel to the original Hooper flick, this is the best installment in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series I’ve seen in awhile, but it’s love/hate fandom at best. I dig the look and feel of this movie with its stylized camerawork intensified by a fantastically grim soundin’ score, and I absolutely love how fresh the story feels with the whole downtown scenario as opposed to the usual breakdowns and haunted house plots Leatherface’s movies are best known fer. Regardin’ the sours, however, the cast is far from convincin’ as a buncha land barons, the usual callin’ cards of a Chainsaw flick like cannibalism and psycho kin are completely absent, and worst of all — the filmmakers steal ideas from 2018’s Halloween and turn Texas Chainsaw’s original last girl Sally into an obsessed gun-totin’ watchdog like Laurie Strode which comes off as silly as Leatherface deflectin’ bullets with his saw. It’s the details over Leatherface’s retconned history that leave me hopin’ the filmmakers start the timeline all over ‘gain in the next one. Onscreen decapitations with a chainsaw, uppercuts with a chainsaw, sewage baths, crawlspace chases, party bus massacres, folks chainsawed in half, severed limbs galore, jaw rippin’, disembowlein’, face rippin’, head smashin’ with oxygen tank, ambulance wrecks, heart attacks, chainsaws to the gut, peculiar waterholes, staged corpses, hammer chuckin’, murder evidence hidey holes, and fatal ass whoopin’s! 3/5!

TERROR TOONS 2 (2007)

Satan’s son (the Antichrist?) continues Hell’s master plan to collect suckers’ souls with cursed bargain bin DVDs unleashin’ live-action toons on a murder spree, and he sets up shop at one poor girl’s birthday party he sics twisted versions of Hansel and Gretel on. Featurin’ Microsoft Paint lookin’ special effects, this shallow sequel is more or less a rehash of the original with new gore gags and party store costumes. The whole concept o’ the cartoon world and Hansel and Gretel’s monstrous origins don’t make a lick o’ sense given Devil Jr’s supposedly doodlin’ these guys into existence, the rules to who lives and dies durin’ a game of musical scares is confusin’, and some scenes have so little story, I just fast forward ’til something actually happens. That said, however, this is a truly bizarre indie flick to behold with some memorable upchuck worthy gore and deserves a little recognition for its resourceful originality. Head hammerin’, body horror cooties, monstrous transformations, arm rippin’, skin tearin’, needles in the ass, sloppy brain transplants, fatal ticklin’, explodin’ hearts, interdimensional portals, throwdowns with Satan’s seed, eye gougin’ with electric bolts, superhero transformations, traps, throat slittin’, and explodin’ birthday clowns with cracked brain spillin’ baskets! 2/5!

KING KONG VS GODZILLA (1962)

After a pharmaceutical company with a TV station kidnaps Kong from his island kingdom to be its new company mascot, the big ape gets loose in Japan and aimlessly wanders ’round ’til he crosses paths with one of Godzilla’s destructive strolls for an uphill street brawl. Seein’ the heavily re-edited American cut from Universal, this flick is a dumpster fire of a narrative mess. The story’s as thin as they come, there’s pointless subplots without any context, the repetitive Godzilla belch grates my last shred of tolerance, and a buncha hacked out scenes are lazily replaced with lame ass space station broadcasts featurin’ cardboard actors forcin’ what little plot there is ‘long from a church rec room. Significant ‘nough to watch at least once, but this rubber monster mash-up is ’bout as awful as they come. Flyin’ monkeys, Kong airdrop, voltage eatin’, longwinded tribal diddies, brown face galore, train wrecks, lightin’ power boosts, super growth berries, roofied apes, iceberg bustin’, explodin’ rafts, crushed buildin’s galore, submarine action, big ass octopus fights, boulder throwin’, atomic breath blasts, and big bad booby traps! 2/5!

KING KONG ESCAPES (1967)

After a Bond villain wannabe’s plans for minin’ a world conquerin’ power source with a robot doppleganger of King Kong flops hard at the North Pole, he resorts to Plan B, and bends the mind of the real deal to finish the job while entertainin’ captive UN agents on a mission to save the big ape ‘fore he and his robo-twin slap fight atop the Tokyo Tower. Campy spy antics with comical rubber monster suit brawlin’, this kaiju flick is just silly fun without bein’ stupid or borin’. While I can accept all the charmingly cheesy miniature effects and mismatched blue screen gags given filmmakin’s limitations at the time this was made, I can’t forgive how Kong looks like a paper mache turd smeared into a shag carpet. Surely more care could’ve been put into sculptin’ his goofy mug, but it does add to the absurd humor of the film like the captured UN agents bitchin’ ’bout bein’ horribly tortured with nightcaps and multiple opportunities to defect. Hover crafts, sea snake beat downs, fatal jaw poppin’, dino street fightin’, geezer deaths, hypno rays, sub rockin’ flirts, explosions galore, fatal freefalls, swimmin’ monkeys, bullets to the chest, sub zero torturin’, and speedy robot productions! 3/5! 

THE FINAL WISH (2018)

When a prodigal son returns home for his pop’s small town funeral, he stumbles ‘cross a demonic wishin’ urn ‘mong his belongings and has to learn all its confusin’ rules ‘fore the djinn inside kills everyone he knows and claims his soul. While this sucker looks great and features a respectable cast of talent (minus the ex-girlfriend’s misdirectin’ line deliveries), it suffers from a double whammy sour ‘tween the script and its execution. All the significant points of this story feel too passive and lack any meaningful acceleration of danger with a mostly absent devil genie followin’ a buncha half-assed rules for how exactly its wishes work. Endin’s pretty lame too, when the son thinks anythin’ short of wishin’ he never found the urn will save the day. Respectable ‘nough fer a watch, but this flick just makes me wanna go watch Wishmaster. Human roadkill, reconstructive face surgery, hairlip ugliness, dead daddy barn dances, re-animated besties, devil’s lettuce smokin’, library expositions, loony bin explanations, graphic doggie deaths, cursed yard sales, bullet swallowin’ suicides, home invadin’ shoot ’em ups, hangin’ suicides, and turd lookin’ demons! 2/5!

MANHUNTER (1986)

A traumatized profiler is nudged outta retirement to help the FBI catch the serial killin’ pen pal of his last twisted arrest, Dr. Hannibal “the Cannibal” Lecktor, and is not surprisingly compelled to take charge in catchin’ this chomp happy Tooth Fairy ‘fore he slaughters more families. The flick that initially gets the ball rollin’ for the more popular Hannibal Lecktor sequels, this longwinded crime thriller’s like watchin’ an early Dirty Harry movie without the gunplay while milkin’ every ounce of melodrama out of its scenes that could’ve been cut waaay back. If you’ve seen the 2002 remake Red Dragon, you’ve pretty much seen this, ‘cept Anthony Hopkins was given more screen time as Hannibal while Brian Cox’s mouth gappin’ performance is underplayed for two to three fleetin’ moments. Modestly entertainin’ however ya slice it. Landline phone hackin’, kidnappin’, human matchstick rides in a wheelchair, gouged eyes with mirrors, nasty crime photos, ever changin’ cereal aisle of exposition, blind whores, newspaper decodin’, shoot ’em up endin’s, door crashin’, fake chompers, and stabbin’s! 3/5!

BARBARELLA (1968)

A futuristic space babe with an unspecified set o’ skills is humorously tasked by the President of Earth to rescue one of his scientists capable of buildin’ a super weapon from a far out alien planet, but she’ll need all the help she can get from hopeless rebels and a blind angel to save the doc from the tyrannical hold of a mood slime worshippin’ queen. The epitome of a future filtered through the hippie ideals of the 1960s, this live action adaptation of a French funny book by the same name is trippy as all get out! Bustin’ at the seams with naughty creativity, this flick consistently keeps thangs interestin’ with ever changin’ scenarios through charmingly dated campy effects, a smorgasbord of cartoon characters, and sensual situations played fer laughs while a funkadelic soundtrack of erotic lounge music plays underneath it all. You gotta see this to disbelieve it, Scream Freaks! Fatal pleasure machines, invisible keys and locks, killer parakeet torture chambers, flesh chompin’ dolls, evil young’ns, hairy brat hunters, lotta off screen love makin’, blue screen flyin’, ridiculous miniature special effects, terraformed prisoners, zero gravity stripteases, explosions, 4th dimensional death rays, labyrinth prisons, explodin’ sci-fi foot soldiers, transportation tubes, angels and bimbos dog fightin’ with flyin’ war crafts, sexual encounters of the minds, little bit o’ tasteful nudity but nothin’ gratuitous, kidnappin’, royal overthrows, and crucified angels! 4/5!

OUTLAND (1981)

With a surge of overworked space miners gettin’ high and threatenin’ the lives of their coworkers on one of Jupiter’s moons, it’s up to the new marshal in town to cut off their drug supply and sober up their operation ‘gainst their greedy employer’s wishes. A western in space with Sean Connery playin’ the passin’ through do-gooder hellbent on his own convictions of what’s morally right, Outland is a bit of a slow burn that goes overboard on tension buildin’ filler I couldn’t help but speed through but does offer alotta special effects eye candy from outer space sets inspired by Alien to a couple of head explosions that could compete with the brain basket effects from The Beast Within. A solid watch overall, but lukewarm entertainment at best. Hooker hostages, racquet ball confessionals, shotguns to the chest, tell-all blood tests, explodin’ heads, chaotic chases on foot, battle to the death in zero gravity, weightless interrogations, trigger happy yahoos sucked into space, and elevator rides that turn folks inside out! 3/5! 

SLAPFACE (2021)

A young’n from a broken home makes friends with a squatter in the woods who could very well be a dino-shriekin’ witch whose one trick is vanishin’ like Batman, and the more she sees this runt treated like a doormat by friends and family, the more violent she reacts in his defense. This is a sharp lookin’ movie, but the compliments end there. The leads have zero chemistry, every character is an intolerable shit heel with no redeemin’ qualities, and the payoff fer the whole “slapface” theme is executed ’bout as well as a shoe horned afterthought ’bout bullyin’ to give this sorry ‘cuse of a flick more merit. The worst part of this stupid story, however, is the lay the young’n’s older brother brings home from the bar. She just met these dysfunctional yahoos yesterday, yet she’s instantly invested in all their problems with no compellin’ motivation that makes any sense when anyone else would just split at the first sign of trouble. Easiest fix for everythin’ would’ve been to make her the story’s point of view as she tries to figure out the mystery of the young’n’s supposedly imaginary friend when bodies start droppin’. Face slappin’ galore, breakin’ and enterin’, pack of she-bullies, secret romances, pointless house trashin’, police station massacres, jailbreaks, dog killin’, head clobberin’ with rocks, bum murder raps, and witchy bath time! 2/5! 

ZARDOZ (1974)

In the far flung future, Sean Connery is a manipulated mutant who gets wise to his flyin’ head fer a god, Zardoz, and discovers his savage world is really at the mercy of a buncha froufrou immortals livin’ in a utopian bubble he plots to pop while they study his hard-ons. Callin’ this flick weird is an understatement, Scream Freaks! While this sucker presents a unique ‘nough idea fer a memorable sci-fi flick and cleverly casts the original James Bond to keep me invested in his character’s fate, it’s narrative’s a little all over the place and unravels into a tolerance testin’ mess by the final act that feels like three different endin’s. Aside from the everlastin’ overlords happily beggin’ for death like it’s candy and the goofy mastermind behind Zardoz hammin’ it up fer the screen, my favorite part is Connery sayin’, “Potatoes?” Boobs on horseback, gunshots to the face, geezer, time travelin’, magic crystal nonsense, hitch hikin’ in gun vomittin’ stone heads angry at evil penises, forced farmin’, psychic attacks, plant eatin’ defenses, naked folks in baggies, laboratory prisms, forehead crystals, know-it-all rings, horn dog inducin’ sweat, jump cuttin’ family portraits, garden party massacres, geezer parties, and Connery in a dress! 3/5!

THE DEVIL’S SWORD (1984)

After a gal’s fiancé is forced into a gator witch’s cuddlin’ cult of hickies, her only hope of rescuin’ him is teamin’-up with a roamin’ chop-socky hero on his own quest for a meteorite forged sword other comic book characters are after. Indonesian sword and sorcery with ol’ school martial arts, this sucker has to be seen to disbelieve, Scream Freaks! It’s pure craziness from beginnin’ to end packed with all kinda nutty practical effects, outrageous barbarian brawls, and one memorably zany moment after another. My only beef with this flick is how little the titular sword is used when it’s finally brought into play, and how disjointed its McGuffin plot is from the rest of the movie since both involve the hero’s rock flyin’ rival who works for the gator witch in exchange fer bossy lip-action. Decapitations galore, weaponized hats, curtain fightin’, fire breathin’ gator statues, human matchsticks, hand lasers, sword swingin’, underwater harems, extreme weddin’ crashin’, transportin’ gator men warriors, reaper raftin’, cyclops monster suits, booby trapped caves, hand and leg severin’, venomous snake bites, snake spears, super high kicks, sweet gator couches, kissin’ orgies, firey make-out susans, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’, hypnotic bedroom eyes, and haggish transformations! 5/5! 

THE PREY (1983)

A gang of interchangeable yahoos hike a mountain trail fer some outdoor nookie while bein’ stalked by a disembodied heartbeat that waits ’til the last possible second to reveal itself as a half melted gypsy hellbent on senseless slaughter and non-consensual baby makin’. A lazy exploitation of the original slasher boom, this campin’ trip from hell ain’t all I hoped it would be. There’s gallons of pissin’ time with one note folks aimlessly walkin’ the woods and playin’ banjos, buncha super close-ups of critters drivin’ home the predator metaphors, blips of scenes that have to be accidental edits, unsolicited backstories, and a music budget just big ‘nough to purchase one orchestral suite to jazz up the credits. Bring a book when watchin’ this flick! Hikin’ galore, head twistin’, storytime with does, sunbathin’, flash o’ boobs in a sleepin’ bag, fatal mountain climbin’ freefalls, suffocatin’ with sleepin’ bags, throat rippin’, blood gurglin’ choke-outs, decapitations with an axe, booby trappin’, buzzard feedin’ body piles, head slammin’, and fights that resemble backyard wrasslin’! 2/5!

CANDYMAN (2021)

Inspired by the urban legends of the Candyman, a strugglin’ artist stirs up more trouble than he bargains for with his latest pieces and finds himself becomin’ the Candyman’s next incarnation fer keepin’ the fear alive. A satisfyin’ reboot that builds on the Candyman trilogy rather than ignore it with callbacks to the first flick, this entry is more ’bout mood and mystery than the gore and relegates most that to the background or offscreen. More confusin’ than who’s actually in danger when someone says Candyman five times, I can’t help but ask why the original Candyman (Tony Todd) ain’t in this more. He has one fleetin’ second of a cameo at the very end, but if we’re stickin’ with canon, why not have him overseein’ the artist’s unwillin’ transformation the whole movie ‘stead of his previous incarnation from the ’70s who ain’t really necessary? Regardless, this is a solid watch with respect fer the fans. Art gallery massacres, high school restroom massacres, hand severin’, hooks rammed into stumps, supernatural bee stingin’, crooked cop massacres, unlawful executions, possessed paintin’, freefloatin’ boogeymen, and paper theater shows! 3/5!

DITCH (2022)

Paramedics and cops find themselves in a wreck off a backroad with criminals they’re transportin’ and are systematically attacked by a group of judgmental vigilantes believin’ they all need to pay for past sins at the hands of their victims. This flick looks fantastic but unfortunately falls to the sours of a terrible script performed by very few actors with any screen presence. While I was hopin’ this wasn’t some hackneyed metaphor for a buncha dead yahoos in transition to the great beyond, I much preferred that to the bullshit it ends up bein’. If this is a straight up revenge story, plain and simple, why don’t most these terrible people recognize their victims attackin’ ’em? From brutal brain damagin’ assaults to drunk drivin’ murder charges, there’s no way in hell they’d forget the names and faces of the folks they hurt and would’ve seen in countless times in court. Stupid. Just avoid this one! Deep cuttin’ slingshots to the face, dumb amnesia plot devices, longwinded backstories, explodin’ ambulances, chainsaw vengeance, bullets to the brain, and one satisfyin’ (yet spotlessly clean) head explosion! 2/5! 

THE BEASTMASTER (1982)

After his adopted village is destroyed by a roamin’ band of savages, Dar sets out fer revenge with the power to communicate with critters willin’ to help him and is quickly sidetracked with a quest fer poontang as he attempts to rescue his kissin’ cousin from a divination obsessed tyrant coincidentally responsible fer his royal estrangement. Surprisingly directed by the creator of the Phantasm series, Don Coscarelli, this epic sword and sorcery adventure is a little longwinded with extensive backstories and meanderin’ plots, but offers ‘nough action and zanny characters to forgive it. Unless yer an animal lover, of course. Ya probably won’t shed a tear over darin’ scenes of cryin’ toddlers hurled into holy bonfires, but filmmakers be damned if ya have to see a dramatization of a dog and ferret’s death or a tiger forced to play a panther in black face. At least ya get to see Tanya Roberts topless. Bear attacks, sacrificial ferrets, dead dogs, hawk-o-vision, mutant earwigs, feral henchmen, fatal freefalls, fortress infiltrations, kingly rescues, fugly hags with amazin’ bods, sword stabbin’s, fancy throwin’ weapons, waterhole skinny dippin’ with boobs, arrows to the chest, human and inhuman matchsticks, Jedi nods, folks sucked to goo, bat mutants, flamin’ moats, random suicidal hangin’s, slave girl rescues, magic spy rings, fortune tellin’ cauldrons, thievin’ ferrets, quicksand rescues, ferret babies, unbelievably strong hawks, and throar slittin’! 3/5!

YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE (1983)

A supposedly prehistoric past full of dinos unravels into an apocalyptic future with android overlords when a wigged warrior named Yor meanders from one adventure to the next with a jealous cave girl and her geezer guardian and discovers his destiny to usher his lost tribe of bomb shelter babies back into a savage world. While the hook is obviously sword and sorcery meets sci-fi, this winnin’ combo doesn’t happen ’til waaay later in the flick, makin’ me think I was suckered by false advertisin’ most the movie. Regardless, this is charmin’ cheese that moves at a fun pace with never-endin’ dangers and special effects while managin’ ‘nough drama ‘mong its characters to keep me invested in their quests. Highlight of the whole thang is the geezer guardian’s spontaneous circus performance of a special effects rescue toward the end ya gotta see to disbelieve! Slaughtered dino puppets, sand mummy cults, killer robots, tube labs, treetop getaways, village massacres, rebel uprisin’s, laser blastin’, maze of totems and mirrors, dangerous sailin’, blood drinkin’, hang glidin’ bats, bow and arrow action, axe fightin’, blue meanie plunderers, u.f.o. attacks, fatal freefalls, impalin’, explodin’ fortresses! 3/5!

SHEENA (1984)

Raised by an African tribe after she accidentally kills her parents in a cave-in, Sheena is the designated protector of a proud village that’s been targeted by a power hungry king after their land’s resources, and it’ll take every obedient jungle critter and a lustin’ journalist to elevate her from exotic tour guide to prophesized hero in the loosest sense. A love letter to the unrivaled beauty of Africa from its dreamlike plains to its lush jungles, this borderline softcore adaptation of the Sheena funny books is a sweet watch for its gorgeous visuals, hypnotic score, and scenes of Tanya Roberts in the buff, but its chase heavy plot fer a story leaves a lot to be desired. With her possessin’ powers like Aquaman over the wildlife, I’m really disappointed at Sheena’s lack of heroics with every other walk of life doin’ the heavy liftin’ and even robbin’ her of her big finale showdown as she’s reduced to a damsel in distress. Animal action with no critter deaths, vine swingin’, jungle warfare, fatal freefalls, water hole bathin’ with boobs, waterfall showers with boobs, pre-teen nudity, small horses playin’ zebras, explodin’ wrecks, spears to the throat, arrows to the chest, talkin’ to animals through headaches, horse stunts, snakes, pack of lions, safety circles, jailbreaks, shamans, elephant attacks, hippos, chargin’ rhinos, magical healin’ dirt, bum murder raps, political assassinations, and death by flamingos! 3/5!

THE TOMORROW WAR (2021)

When mankind’s ’bout to go the way of the dodo courtesy of a nasty e.t. invasion, soldiers timewarp to the past and kick-start a world wide draft that forces Chris Pratt to the future long ‘nough to make a difference, so long as he can wrap his noodle ’round fourth dimensional thinkin’ and alternate timelines. A different kinda spin on the apocalyptic movie that’s fresh and interestin’, this longwinded epic packs engagin’ ‘nough characters fightin’ their way through an impressively crafted world with special effects out the ass, but the real takeaway are the mean lookin’ space critters that’re are some of the most impressive lookin’ movie monsters I’ve seen in a long time. While this sucker starts off on a sweet note, however, its second half devolves into ridiculous physics defyin’ CGI battles and me cursin’ at how long it takes Chris to understand he doesn’t have to go back to the future to save it from the past. Rapture lookin’ time travel, arm taggin’, daddy issues, e.t. fist fightin’ in the snow, explosions, oil platform massacres, e.t. poisonin’, nest invadin’, e.t. mama huntin’, spaceship infiltratin’, lazy boot camps, fatal freefalls, extreme pool divin’, human meals galore, e.t. gore galore, cryostasis, sawed e.t.s, flyin’ e.t. battles, and volcano nerds! 4/5!

HERCULES IN NEW YORK (1970)

After naggin’ his pops Zeus fer a hall pass back to Earth, Hercules is zapped from Olympus and ends up in 20th century New York where a leech of a pretzel pusher rides his coattails as he’s swept up in awkward romances and offscreen wrasslin’ with mobster problems. A baby face Arnold Schwarzenegger flexes his actin’ chops fer the first time as this sucker’s star attraction, and after listenin’ to the original Arnie audio track, I have a much deeper appreciation for how far this action icon’s come in Hollywood. Mildly entertainin’ at best with its ’66 Batman fight scenes, corner cuttin’ copouts, and drinkin’ game potential everytime Arnold exclaims, “I’m Hercules,” or, “I have no money,” I really expected more from this cult flick I’ve heard so much ’bout, but hey — at least I get to see Arnold save Central Park from a yahoo in a sad excuse fer a bear costume! Naked men on the wing, harbor throwdowns, power sappin’ drinks, Greek gods and goddesses, all seein’ crystal balls, Donkey Kong style warehouse battles, downtown chariot chases with hot dogs, super throwin’, radio wave goodbyes, cab flippin’, deals with Hades, and a little power liftin’! 2/5!  

PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND (2021)

When a corrupt governor’s sex slave vanishes in a nuclear pocket of limbo called the Ghostland after a joyride, he forces convict Nicolas Cage to wear a suit laced with explosives and rescue her in three days ‘fore he’s blown to pieces. I watched this noise twice and still can’t quite wrap my head ’round it. I was pumped to see this after watchin’ the trailer, but what I hoped would be a wild ride of Cage ragin’ antics turns out to be nothin’ but a buncha beautiful pictures tellin’ some wonky underwhelmin’ story that meanders its way to a copout of a finale that kinda negates what I thought the bulk of the movie was gonna be. It’s like Escape From New York if all the story and action was ‘tween Snake Plissken and Hauk at the end of the movie after the Duke just lets Snake walk out unopposed. Most memorable thang is Cage’s suit blowin’ one of his balls off with him holdin’ the bloody remains. Dong sketchin’, explodin’ arms, explodin’ nads, clock tower chaos, sword play, mannequin disguises, dead young’ns offscreen, bank robbery massacres, mutant convict ghosts, and nuclear sludge origins! 2/5! 

ICE SPIDERS (2007)

Big ol’ spider pixels escape from a top secret military lab and attack a nearby skiing resort where they meet their worst nightmare – – – an ex-Olympian skier with a bum knee. More fun than yer average TV movie, this nature gone wrong flick does a great job keepin’ the action movin’ as it bounces its focus ‘mong several different gangs of skiers and soldiers fightin’ fer their lives through a nice mix of locations. While I normally call out poor CGI critters as immediate sours, I get a good laugh whenever these cartoon spiders are ridiculously animated over skiers mindin’ their own business on the slopes. Severed legs, cocooned victims, mutilated deer, impalin’ with deer antlers, ski resort massacres, half-pipe traps, explosions, lab massacres, double dare skiin’, last stand resorts, snowmobilin’, bus traps, and leg breakin’! 4/5! 

ICE ROAD TERROR (2011)

Alaskan miners unearth a giant cartoon reptile, and after it tears through their whole crew, it’s dead set on eatin’ two competin’ ice road truckers who show up at the wrong time to make a delivery. A run of the mill TV flick fer the Syfy channel with folks fightin’ a CG critter, this one’s better than most, and alotta that’s thanks to castin’ such a solid ensemble of talent from shows like Supernatural, Teen Wolf, and Blood Ties. With well paced action, characters exhibitin’ real personalities, and respectable ‘nough gore, I’d say this creature feature’s worth checkin’ out to pass a lazy afternoon. Tails through the chest, lotta trucker lingo, creeper vibes, monster-o-vision, construction site massacres, cabin massacres, flamethrowin’ gas pumps, freezin’ hikes, explodin’ trucks, and eye stabbin’s! 3/5!  

WILDER NAPALM (1993)

Things heat up as a pyrokinetic clown barges back into his equally gifted brother’s humdrum life and reignites a literal firefight ‘tween ’em with plans to go public with their powers fer fame and fortune while attemptin’ to steal his wife. A quirky little sci-fi comedy, this flick starts off like a character driven stage play, but if ya hang with this slow burn long ‘nough, it erupts into one helluva special effects spectacle I still can’t believe exists in an artsy oddball feature like this. The only thang better than Dennis Quaid’s unforgettable performance as Biff the Clown is his carny sidekick played by a filthified Jim Varney, takin’ one of his rare breaks from playin’ Ernest P. Worrell. Only sour worth mentionin’ is the occasional singin’ firemen. They’re good but sang one too many diddies fer my tolerance. Headache fire conjurin’, cigarette lightin’ tricks, house arrests, nymphomania without boobs, fly zappin’, AC meltin’, roamin’ fairs, fireballs, flammin’ crotch rockets, explodin’ amusement rides, mini-golf chaos, gimmicky costumes, tragic backstories, human matchsticks, crispy corpses, stressful mowin’, rooftop affairs, and one of the looongest kisses evert committed to celluloid! 4/5! 

PSYCHO SCARECROW (1996)

Two detectives investigate a woman’s fatal freefall from a CGI high-rise and find her taped confession revealin’ she was killed by a dead buddy of hers turned vengeful straw man after she helped ditch his corpse in a cursed cornfield for bein’ a pesty peepin’ tom. Ambitious Z grade filmmakin’ to say the least, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a shot on video indie with so much CGI ‘fore from a buncha sweepin’ aerial shots and scenery fabrication to the one comic-bookish moment of the pumpkin headed killer ridin’ a bike like a bat outta hell. I can forgive this earnestly made flick fer its draggin’ story, Party City-bought slasher costume, and packin’ all the wonderfully homemade gore in the last few minutes, but tarnations — why is the background noise so LOUD and persistent in this sucker?! The non-stop chirps of birds and crickets drown everythin’ out fer most the runtime! Drinkin’ game every time someone says “cornfield”, gory head smashin’, stabbin’, Scooby-Doo monster chasin’, explosions, fatal green screen freefalls, barely qualifyin’ monstrous transformations, cursed land jibber jabber, and car battery chuckin’! 2/5!

QUEEN OF SPADES (2021)

A bait and switch rebrandin’ of the Bloody Mary legend with a pinch of The Exorcist to mix things up, a gang of ambiguously aged teens dare each other to summon a killer spook known as the Queen of Spades through a mirror for kicks, but regret that decision as they start droppin’ dead with only one of their mamas and an exorcist to save ’em from the infamous booga boo. This sucker has ’bout as much excitement as watchin’ wet concrete dry with a live fly on top. It’s long, borin’, uneventful, and most everyone in the cast acts like they downed a whole bottle of Prozac ‘fore each take. The exorcism at the end is a surprisin’ twist, but it ain’t worth watchin’ the whole movie fer. Festering wounds that’re supposed to be supernatural scratches, heart attacks, drowinin’s, possessin’, fatal freefalls, and some of the most lackadaisical actin’ I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid! 2/5!

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN (2021)

Paranormal Activity goes Amish and bores me to tears as a gal documents her first meetin’ with a simple cousin who introduces her to the family farm she never knew she came from and its sketchy ties to a demon that could explain her mama’s absence. While the Paranormal flicks are usually engagin’ ‘nough to be mildly entertainin’, this latest entry drops the ball with lackluster characters, consistently flat tension, and muddled motives with the girl makin’ it her mission to solve the mystery of the secluded church when it doesn’t seem to have anythin’ to do with her mom’s questionable past. Biggest shock in the movie is findin’ out her Amish cousins are hidin’ Wi-Fi in their closet.  No joke! Sacrificial hidey holes, breakin’ and enterin’, Amish posers, possessin’, freezin’ young’ns, table slappin’ sing-alongs, farmland massacres, and horse violence! 2/5!

KNIFECORP (2021)

While sellin’ knife sets door-to-door, a young gang of newbie salesmen bug the wrong house and find themselves trapped with a deluded ex-cop who’ll kill anybody he thinks is comin’ ‘tween him and his shut-in of a basket case daughter. A fun flick infused with ‘nough seriousness fer me to not wanna see its likeably goofy characters get hurt, the filmmakers do a fantastic job deliverin’ a sharp lookin’ production full of wit and charm with a formidable cast of youths holdin’ their own ‘gainst one of Kane Hodder’s most memorable performances as the overprotective psycho. Only sours here are the repetitive tours through Kane’s house which makes the scenery feel old real quick, and the bafflin’ twist in the third act when the salesgirl randomly has an identity crises that results in a pretty ridiculous endin’. Fatal freefalls, throat slittin’, power tooled genitals, head stabbin’, home invasions, identity crises, chimney torture chambers, sneakin’ ’round galore, creepy dad love, and ‘lotta knife fightin’! 3/5! 

DEATHCEMBER (2019)

An Advent calendar themed anthology, this holiday horror is a smorgasbord of death and destruction told over 24 random Christmas shorts from all ’round the globe with no narrative ties. Some are nicely contained tales of festive fear. Most are underdeveloped ideas without ‘nough context to be entertainin’.  Others feel like Christmas was an afterthought the filmmakers shoehorned in to meet the theme of the movie. Surprisingly, the best and worst shorts fer me are both sci-fi. I enjoy “Cracker” for its grippin’ tension, engagin’ reveals, and quick and easy explanation fer why folks’ heads are blowin’ up at the dinner table, and hate “Aurora” fer bein’ the least Christmas of the bunch with some convoluted plot involvin’ a girl suffocatin’ in the future from spores or somethin’. Worth a see, but no chance of becomin’ a holiday tradition. Jewel heistin’ Santas, killer Santa squatters, two-fisted Santas, reindeer rescues, explodin’ heads, suffocatin’, dead girl dolls, ear bitin’, cursed reports, fatal freefalls, stabbin’s galore, retail rage, dick stabbin’s, kidnappin’s, mutant deer POVs, belly beast swappin’, and hunchbacks burned at the stake! 3/5! 

MIDNIGHT (1989)

After popular horror host Midnight falls in bed with her doof of a fan boy stalker, she’s more than distracted with some of the most absurd relationship problems I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid when the station manager threatens to pull the plug on her show ‘less she signs over the copyright to her character. A fictional horror host no doubt inspired by Vampira and Elvira, this lost flick is a pretty ridiculous watch. First off, the whole horror host theme is downplayed with little to no talk ’bout horror movies, much ‘less the use of any public domain clips from the usual go-to titles like Night of the Living Dead. Second, there’s nothin’ likeable or charmin’ ’bout Midnight. Instead of a sincere oddball with vulnerabilities, she’s a melodramatic whackadoo I can’t bring myself to root fer after all her constant crazy talk or bafflin’ tolerance fer her boy toy openly cheatin’ on her. Finally, the story feels like a padded mess some bored editor slapped together without a script, amazingly turnin’ this loosely labeled “dramedy” into a surprise murder mystery by the final act. Psych-out suicides, poisoned drinks, caged snakes, quickly decomposin’ bodies, underwater stranglin’, hangin’s, uncomfortably long spit swappin’ ‘tween the sheets, pool parties, bikinis galore, and one of the most poorly staged motorcycle wrecks EVER! 2/5!

BLACK FRIDAY (2021)

It’s Black Friday at the world’s saddest lookin’ big box toy store, and its disgruntled employees gotta come together to fight their way through a violent mob of gut hockin’ shoppers infected with some kinda e.t. germ turnin’ ’em all into wannabe creatures from The Thing. Though this decently made flick boasts a likeable cast of fan favorite actors battlin’ impressive special effects, it’s sadly underwhelmin’ thanks to its half-baked script. There needs to be a stronger centric hero or relationship to latch onto, the managers’ personalities should be bigger, more time should be spent on the misery of workin’ Black Fridays, and the employees need motives I can believe for why they throw down with the big bad from outer space at the end, ’cause yer regular Joe Schmoe ain’t stickin’ ’round fer somethin’ meant fer the National Guard to handle. Shopper slayin’, infectious meteorites, big ass monster suit actin’, mish mash monster makin’, germophobes, slingshot forklifts, explosions, gut spillin’ galore, and monstrous transformations! 3/5! 

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE (2021)

Ditchin’ the Ghostbusters decades ago, Egon passes away on a dirt farm and leaves his inheritance to his grand young’ns he haunts into continin’ his fight ‘gainst Gozer’s apocalyptic return as junior Ghostbusters. A fantastic sequel in spirit that keeps within the canon of the first two Ghostbuster flicks, this amazin’ lookin’ film boasts heartfelt actin’, stellar effects, one of the best scores since Back to the Future, and the triumphant return of the original paranormal eliminators I know and love for one brief moment. My only gripes with this sucker is I wish the filmmakers had come up with a whole new big bad to threaten the world ‘stead of recyclin’ Gozer and all his/her predictable plot points. I also didn’t like how quickly the story rushes to the final fight with Gozer as soon as the young’ns encounter their first free floatin’ booger, and the inclusion of Ivo Shandor was cool but pretty pointless overall. Spook chasin’, RC car ghost traps, spirit photography, possessions, spectral comets, ghost traps galore, CGI Egon, ghost chess, hidey hole puzzles, proton stream crossin’, slammer sequences, metal munchin’ boogers, terror dogs, mini-Marshmallow Men antics, Real Ghostbuster toy nods, soul pits, and ancient ruins! 4/5!

A HOUSE ON THE BAYOU (2021)

A cheatin’ dad hires the wrong yokels to kill his wife durin’ a family getaway to the bayou, and a simple murder scheme spirals into a silly mess of twists that decides to be supernatural at the last second with no real punchline. More lackluster thriller than paranormal killer, this decently made flick ain’t terrible by any means, but its escalation of danger involvin’ the mysterious guns-fer-hire from the swamp is terribly ineffective with ’em ridin’ the fence as common criminals or threats from beyond to the end credits. Hammered noggins, nosebleeds galore, vehicular bon fires, mystical resurrections, human matchsticks, disembowelin’, wolf attacks, and disappearin’ houses! 2/5! 

HAUNTEDWEEN (1991)

When a Kentucky frat house desperately needs some deniro to keep their college from kickin’ ’em off campus, a mysterious stranger offers his ol’ haunted attraction of a house fer a Halloween fundraiser and sabotages their lucrative night with real blood curdlin’ scenes of executions. While it takes a while fer the Halloween antics to ramp up, this charmin’ indie flick manages to keep me entertained as a time capsule of boonies pop culture at the dawn of the ’90s. When it does kick into full horror, however, it’s a pretty impressive display of grisly effects ‘fore a cluelessly cheerin’ audience that wraps up with some amazin’ heroics with a flamethrower! Batter batter decapitations, bimbo carvin’, skinny dippin’ with boobs, impalin’, body hackin’, drop dead grannies, explodin’ vans, full blown concerts, topless sunbathin’, boobs on a boat, hang ’em executions, electric chair torture, head twistin’, and machetes through the neck! 3/5! 

MADRES (2021)

A Mexican-American couple move into a new home in the 1970s, and a wronged ghost just barely drops the prego wife ‘nough clues to expose a race conspiracy to sterilize immigrant mamas ‘gainst their wills. A snooze fest of quiet moments and music box lullabies fer a soundtrack, this true crime inspired drama barely registers as a supernatural horror with the ghost bein’ nothin’ more than a periodic presence on the very fringe of the story the filmmakers could’ve removed with no consequence to the plot. This is really a flick ’bout a social injustice that needed that dependable horror label to ensure its message ’bout unlawful tube tyin’ reached folks. Nothin’ wrong with that, but I’d still like the ghost to have more of a direct role in things, and I think the overall message gets buried in too much misdirection by the end with everyone blamin’ their problems on poisonous pesticides most the movie. Fallin’ pregos, purposely botched births, shed traps, shamans, house wife sleuthin’, and magical trinkets! 2/5!

BLACK AS THE NIGHT (2021)

After her drug addicted mama becomes an explodin’ vampire, a teeny bopper with new boobs makes it her mission to kill the head bloodsucker responsible and prevent his army of fang bangers from takin’ over New Orleans. A very forgettable flick, this neither adds anythin’ new or wild to the vampire genre, and its villains leave a lot to be desired as far as character and their interaction with the slayer wannabe. And speakin’ of the heroine played by Asjha Cooper, she’s undeniably a good actor but doesn’t possess ‘nough star power to carry a movie as the lead. It especially doesn’t help she’s a woman in her late twenties playin’ a teen so young she brags about her boobs finally growin’ in which I think happens fer gals by age 13? Asjha can pass fer a high schooler, sure, but is the movie suggestin’ she’s younger than 15? Waaay too distractin’! Explodin’ fang bangers, bum feedin’, undercover hookin’, stakin’, book club experts on vampires, fang on fang violence, garlic cloud defenses, and bloodsuckin’ resurrections! 3/5!

OLD (2021)

Guests at an exotic island hotel are escorted to a secluded beach and find themselves trapped as they experience rapid agin’ that aggravates their different medical conditions. Kinda like a feature length Twilight Zone episode, director M. Night Shyamalan delivers a solid tension buildin’ flick full of intrigue and pendin’ dread but not so much on a twist endin’ folks come to expect from him. The only sour I don’t like is its shallow character development ‘mong its ensemble of victims with no particular yahoo servin’ as the story’s point of view with any meaningful arc. Human pretzels, fast healin’, emergency surgeries as easy as games of Operation, rapid growth spurts, speedy pregnancies, seizures, bloated bodies, decomposin’, rust poisonin’, fatal freefalls, blackouts, stabbin’s galore, and top secrets operations! 4/5!

GRAVE HALLOWEEN aka THE SUICIDE FOREST aka DEATHLY HALLOWEEN (2013)

A gang of student filmmakers spend Halloween in Japan’s infamous Suicide Forest and document a classmate’s search fer answers ’bout her dead birth mama while bein’ chased by Grudge ghost wannabes. A forgettable snooze of a Syfy original, the plot is interestin’ ‘nough, but the cast is miserably flat and fails to pull me into these yahoo’s haunted romp through the sticks. It’s beyond me why this is even set on Halloween given it has zero holiday vibes with it only bein’ mentioned in passin’. A fine flick fer background noise or a sleep-aid but nothin’ else. Drawn and quarterin’ by hair extensions, supernatural suckin’, Cassandra ghosts, drivin’ dead, mama drama, stabbin’s, robbin’ the dead! 3/5! 

ESCAPE ROOM 2: TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS (2021)

Before the final girl of the last flick can expose the evil organization behind underground rat races set in life or death escape rooms, she’s unbelievably wrangled into a new series of fatal head scratchers with other previous winners. An okay movie overall, this sequel’s ensemble of players doesn’t have the most engagin’ chemistry, and the puzzles ‘come so convoluted, I’ve no choice but to shut my noodle off and enjoy all the expensive eye candy this flick could slap on the screen. The real sour worth knockin’ this sucker for, however, is its bum rush of an endin’ that’s just a little too confusin’ as the filmmakers attempt to reveal and explain the true mastermind behind all these wacko traps. Flesh meltin’ rain, trap cars, quicksand, electrified subway cars, games of Hangman, deadly lasers, cave-ins, smarty pants dungeons, muggin’s, electrocutions, sauna traps, and daddy daughter drama! 3/5!

HALLOWEEN KILLS (2021)

An immediate follow-up to Michael Myers’ newest mulligan timeline introduced in 2018’s Halloween, the infamous bogeyman remains at large and continues ruinin’ Halloween for everyone in Haddonfield with an indifferent murder spree that gains the attention of a town wide lynch mob led by survivors of Michael’s first holiday massacre in 1978. Easily one of my least favorite sequels ‘mong the Halloween movies, Halloween Kills is just a string of ridiculous moments that feels like some teenager’s attempt at fan fiction that’s neither fun or rewatchable. The dialogue’s wildly over the top and repetitive (“Evil dies tonight!), there’s way too many folks spillin’ a buncha needless exposition, most the characters returnin’ from the ’78 flick are shoehorned in as opposed to bein’ organically introduced with an actual role to play, there’s the stupidest case of mistaken identity that drags out waaay too long in the middle, and the biggest dick slap to the mug is the anti-claimatic endin’ the movie spends its whole runnin’ time buildin’ up to. Besides an impressive stand-in for Loomis in flashbacks and the funny scenes of the couple livin’ in the Myers house, the only positive thing I can say ‘about this farce is it absolutely delivers what the title promises, and that’s a non-stop gore-fest of brutal deaths that’s perfect for background horror at Halloween parties. Stabbin’ galore, vigilante justice, street pizzas, fatal freefall suicides, head smashin’ galore, home invadin’, carjackin’, house infernos, firefighter massacres, axes to the face, saws to the fact, lotta broken windows, impaled faces, keep away, turkey baster injections of courage, gushin’ neck wounds, gunshots to the chest, and panicked mobs! 3/5!

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (2021)

A loose remake of the 1982 classic, a gang of girlfriends sneak away to an infamous cabin to lure out a psycho killer with a mean drill and make him pay for attackin’ one of their mamas forever ago so she can lay her tragic past to rest. The Slumber Party Massacre series and its loose Cheerleader Massacre sequels ain’t Oscar worthy flicks by any means, but this sucker leaves a lot to be desired. Shakin’ things up with a self-aware cast followin’ Scream rules fer defeatin’ slashers, the biggest sour for me is how flat and underdeveloped the characters are, despite some of ’em possessin’ an undeniable screen presence like the little sister. There’s an unexpected twist here and there that’s sweet, but this is ultimately a soulless remake that fails to be as fun or funny as its source material. Nods to Slumber Party Massacre 2‘s guitar, slashers in the shower, vengeful mamas, chest and hand drillin’, eye gougin’, wacky tobacky brownies, toy penis trinkets, drugged cookies, vomitin’, fake boobs, psych-out revenge schemes, stabbin’ galore, body hackin’, homoerotic bondin’, manly butts in the shower, and makeshift weed wacked faces! 2/5!

THERE’S SOMEONE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE (2021)

Small town high schoolers party it up as the news reports a killer who’s out to publically expose their dirty secrets while wearin’ 3D printed masks of their mugs. A beautifully shot movie with solid actin’, this whodunnit slasher’s biggest flaw is well . . . its slasher! Relyin’ too much on ’em just being a psycho followin’ psychio logic, the victims are as random as names outta hat, and I don’t think any of their secrets are extreme ‘nough to justify the gore-tastic ends they meet, even by horror movie standards. Like who gives a flyin’ fuck that one unlucky stiff’s secret is bein’ addicted to pain killers? For a flick that openly references I Know What You Did Last Summer, I’d think the filmmakers would have done a better job buildin’ a murder mystery ’round teens with a secret. Achilles heel severin’, home invadin’, taser guns, swords through the noggin’, head impalin’, belly slicin’, stabbin’ galore, parked make-out sessions, secret partyin’, Nazi memorabilia converted to hookas, bonfire victims, white power propagandas, sleep walkin’ grannies, corn maze chaos, and lotta print-out plasterin’! 2/3!

V/H/S/94 (2021)

A ridiculous S.W.A.T. team who loves shoutin’ “Warrant!” busts in on some kinda couch potato cult and is slowly driven mad as they peek at a buncha idiot boxes playin’ extreme videos that include rat man cults, zombie wakes, killer cyborgs, and redneck militias armed with vampires. An okay V/H/S sequel at best, most these stories suffer from poor set-ups or shoddy endin’s that keep ’em from bein’ winners, but “The Subject” is a cybernetic nightmare worth checkin’ out, and “The Terror” unexpectedly explores a side of vampires I’d never seen before with weaponized blood bombs that’s pretty damn cool. The worst of the bunch that sent me into a snooze was “The Empty Wake” thanks to its lack of plot and exposition, and the wraparound story with the S.W.A.T. team was just ’bout as hard to follow. Kidnappin’, eye gougin’, head smashin’, folks ripped in half, explodin’ vampire blood, shotguns to the face galore, jailbreaks, bloodsuckin’, face meltin’ upchuck, under dweller cults, S.W.A.T. team massacres, brain squishin’, electrocutions, intestine spillin’, explodin’ rabbits, and monstrous suicides! 2/5! 

C.O.R.N.: A FIELD OF SCREAMS (2021)

While their new step dad hikes the great yander for roadside assistance, a brother and sister ditch their busted ride to celebrate Halloween with the locals for a couple of days and end up in the middle of an underground taxidermy competition ran by murderous artists. Kinda House of Wax meets a poor man’s Hostel with minimum holiday spirit, this ain’t a bad idea for a horror flick, but its loosey goosey storytellin’ makes for a meanderin’ plot with vague relations ‘mong characters and thinly drawn out tension. This could be so much better if it had a more heartless editor workin’ from a tighter script. Kidnappin’, throat slittin’, human taxidermy art, people made into scarecrows for some reason, weirdo children, back stabbin’s, macabre art shows, shit hole dungeons, leg peelin’, powerhouse nimwits, knives to the face, disfigured eyes, human dissectin’, squattin’, silo partyin’, haunted corn mazes, haunted hay rides, evil step parents, big boob bikini slow-mo, and waterhole dippin’! 2/5!

SEANCE (2021)

After boardin’ school girls playfully evoke ghosts from their dorm’s grisly past, they start dyin’ off one by one and suspect someone in their group’s usin’ the urban legend as a cover to go all slash happy. A decent flick from the studio behind my favorite remakes like House on Haunted Hill (1999) and 13 Ghosts (2001), this is a well made movie with an interestin’ ‘nough lookin’ gang of gals, but its too cool fer school last girl lacks any character buildin’ substance for me to latch onto, and it feels like the filmmakers couldn’t settle on a definitive tone with this movie ridin’ a fine line ‘tween bein’ a supernatural thriller or revenge slasher. Even worse, the kills are pretty damn basic, save the last couple of physics defyin’ fatalities that only make sense if folks were made of mashed potatoes! Best part is findin’ out this is all ’bout someone tryin’ to get away with plagiarism. Cat fights, slappin’, punchin’, stabbin’ galore, throat slittin’ with fluorescents, decapitations with bookshelves, leg breakin’, seances, automatic writin’, lesbo lip lockin’, wacky tobacky, fatal freefalls, slashers in the shower, light fixtures to the face, kidnappin’, and head conkin’! 2/5!

AQUASLASH (2019)

While a graduating class of high school horn dogs cap off their senior year with a weekend long party at their local waterpark motel, someone with an axe to grind booby traps one of the slides for a buncha wet ‘n wild deaths! A valiant effort at bein’ a memorable horror flick, this whodunnit summer slasher has all the ingredients for makin’ somethin’ special, but ultimately ends up a poorly set-up punchline that’s more recycled teen comedy antics from the ’80s than horror. This could have been a real winner if the filmmakers escalated the danger with more than one chop suey waterslide from beginnin’ to end and wrote a killer whose motives made any sense. Stabbin’s, fatal freefall, slice ‘n dice massacre slides, head smashin’ with bottles, nookie in the shower, bikini car washes, embarassin’ dance offs, sleazy affairs, graphic lobster dinin’, and concert crashin’ beat downs! 2/5! 

BAD CANDY (2021)

A mess of a Halloween decked anthology, this flick’s either ’bout a radio DJ spittin’ a buncha erratic stories over the airwaves by request or a little mutant’s killer clown drawin’ come to life who tears through a buncha loosely connected shorts full of horn dogs and killers. With reasonable actin’, decent ‘nough ideas, and impressive cinematography, the flaw that completely ruins this holiday horror is its editin’. The story’s framework is never clearly defined, set-ups are an endangered practice leavin’ stories vacant of any explanation or substance worth carin’ ’bout, everything’s jump cutty at best, and the uneventful twist with the DJs at the end don’t make a lick of sense. Best part of the movie where things finally start comin’ together for one fleetin’ moment is when some vigilantes round up a buncha panicked yahoos for their blood thirsty buddy to hunt. Acid trippin’ necrophilia, high flyin’ monsters, victims who explode like crash dummies when struck, splat fairies, imaginary critters, young’ns turned into collectables, razor blade stuffed candy, jack-o-lantern bashin’, smooshy sounds galore, gas station hookers, doodles come to life, tree house clubs, human roadkill with utter indifference, decapitations, life suckin’ ghosts, house fires, time travelin’ echoes, impalement, head crushin’ and slicin’, home invasions, and attempted rapes! 2/5! 

MALIGNANT (2021)

An abused prego loses her family overnight and starts havin’ lucid episodes of a twisted slasher workin’ his way through a hit list of doctors she wants to help the police stop. Best described as Basket Case meets The Dark Half, this flick’s feature killer comes off more like a super villain than the next great boogey man, and it doesn’t help his leadin’ lady is a lame duck who spends more time reactin’ to situations than expressin’ herself as a character with any substance worth me givin’ a damn ’bout. A sandbox kinda experiment in filmmakin’ with heavy-horror-hitter James Wan spinnin’ horror yarn with the visual energy of a comic book movie, the story’s an entertainin’ mess of set-ups and character developments with a pretty predictable endin’, but it still manages to be an attention grabbin’ watch by the final act. Weaponized awards, wife beatin’, head trauma, separation anxiety, vague electrical powers that are never really explained, radio wave yappin’, semi-possessin’, stabbin’s galore, Siamese surgeries, chasin’ through Seattle’s underground, jail cell massacres, ladies on the can, mind manipulatin’, police station massacres, and bed flippin’! 3/5! 

SUPERHOST (2021)

A romantic pair of Airbnb critics stupidly ignore every red flag their latest host at a remote cabin is a lyin’ psycho and try exploitin’ her craziness fer more subs to their channel with disastrous results. While this flick boasts decent actors and pretty locations, it completely lacks conviction on all fronts with so-so characters losin’ their shit over a pretty escapable killer who’s never as hopelessly threatenin’ as the filmmakers want her to be. The other thang that really sticks in my craw as trivial as it is, how in the world does the she-critic not know her man’s gonna propose to her when he’s constantly uploadin’ his plans to propose to her on their channel? The internet can’t keep a secret! Clogged toilets, hidey holes, Big Brother stalkin’, secret passageways, stabbin’ galore, and a terrific drop-in by scream queen Barbara Crampton for one violent death! 3/5!

BABY OOPSIE (2021)

A doll lovin’ web show host with alotta pent up rage is sent a Baby Oopsie from the Demonic Toys series in the mail, and once she restores the demon in disguise, she’s a little too eager to sic the homicidal hunk of plastic on her everyday bullies. A loose spin-off that could very well be featurin’ one of the Baby Oopsie clones mass produced in Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys given its gender swap, this first flick from the Full Moon Manor features crisp camerawork, effective pops of Tarantino gore, and a non-stereotypical cast that keep me on my tippy toes for what to expect from any of ’em. Only sours worth mentionin’ is the music being more distracting than complimentary in the first half of the movie, and I feel like the doll lover’s friendship with her tenant was underutilized for some meaningful character development. Mini chainsaw violence, devil doll worshippin’, pee-pot action, mulligan daydreamin’, stranglin’, projectile face-meltin’ vomit, rub-a-dub deaths with a microwave oven, side boobs, severed noses, body hackin’, desk jockey terminations, lotta lotta Full Moon Easter eggs, and more baby doll enthusiasts than anyone would ever suspect! 3/5!