# – R-Rated Reviews
So, we can’t animate fast enough to give you Scream Freaks full blown reviews of all the horror movies we’ve been watching lately, but we can give ya our straight shoot’n thoughts in bite size chunks. We like to think you trust our opinions, but remember, we’re fans of Killer Tomato movies!
Look up a review: # A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
#FOLLOWFRIDAY (2016)
At a college campus overflowin’ with red herrin’s, a handful of social media misfits make it their business to figure out who’s followin’ and killin’ the hottest trendin’ students every Friday before the whole cast is nixed. A decent movie overall, with blips of good ideas here and there, but it unfortunately falls flat on its face long before the psycho killer’s identity is disappointingly revealed. Some notable sours are folks’ addiction to social media exaggerated to the Nth degree, mostly bland deaths, and the story’s perspective bein’ all over the place among separate yahoos who just end up dyin’. Folks crushed by library books, shartin’ vids, human matchsticks, fatal freefalls, impalin’, stabbin’, whodunnit computer programs, cyber bullyin’, bulimia, and harassin’ with a never endin’ onslaught of pre-paid pizza deliveries! 2/5!
#SCREAMERS (2016)
A wannabe Google company strikes gold with a series of viral scare videos but are forced to investigate their anonymous filmmakers ’cause they might be exploitin’ a woman who went missin’ years ago. This found footage flick has a lot of nice build-up with an entertainin’ ensemble of co-workers anxiously workin’ to solve a engagin’ mystery, but it completely fumbles the ball in the last reel with no real punchline or hint of resolution to the story’s burnin’ questions. Jump scare videos, possible Stockholm Syndrome, aggressive investigatin’, chases through the snow, walks through the cemetery, and questionable ties to Jack the Ripper! 3/5!
3 FROM HELL (2019)
Ten years after the police shoot the kill happy Firefly family into Swiss cheese, the Devil’s rejects are waitin’ their turns on death row ’til a new family member breaks Otis and Baby out for a spontaneous sprint to Mexico where they fight vengeance seekin’ luchadors. Stickin’ with the stream of consciousness kinda storytellin’ that worked for House of 1000 Corpses and Devil’s Rejects, writer/director Rob Zombie delivers ‘nother rock video filtered flick with the same ol’ ridin’ and killin’ kinda meanderin’ seen in the last installment. Only reason these movies work is ’cause they feature such a grippin’ cast of character actors I can’t get ‘nough of. Especially when it comes to Sheri Moon Zombie stealin’ a fair share of the runtime with her compellin’ performance as Baby. She kicks some serious ass in lock-up, has me hangin’ on every psycho syllable she speaks, and films the most beautiful slow-mo scenes I’ve ever seen. Mexican threesomes, shot-up midgets, explodin’ heads, pissin’ party clowns, forehead carvin’, disembowelin’, full frontal chasin’ in slow-mo, stabbin’s galore, kidnappin’s, prison escapes, stranglin’, nose bashin’, Mexican massacres, home invasions, and one mention of Halloween! 3/5!
6 HEADED SHARK ATTACK (2018)
The multi-headed garbage disposal of the deep is back, and it’s got heads growin’ out each ass cheek now for chompin’ on a remote couples retreat where a bunch of pissy yahoos hope to reconnect with their loved ones before a watery death do them part. First off, the idea of the shark is still great but is horrendously cartoony with most its gore-less attacks superimposed over folks when it’s not garglin’ red Kool-Aid under a swimmer. I can overlook a lot of this, however, ’cause the script hooks me with interestin’ enough characters I’m willin’ to stick ’round for, especially when they’re performed by Brandon Auret! This rugged fella acts his ass off as the resorts head cheerleader for love and whole heartily sells the horror of this CGI fish walkin’ on its back heads to eat guests on land. MacGuyver bang sticks, folks ripped in half, explosions of blood, sinkin’ boats, brewin’ storms with no payoff, bobbin’ body parts, explosions, shark head tossin’, sharks bittin’ its own heads off, rocky chase scenes, rickity lab rafts, lighthouse defenses, stabbin’s, science doodle books with all the answers, cheatin’ couples, and folks eaten whole! 3/5!
6 PLOTS (2012)
A creep with an axe to grind crashes a high school house party and buries a bunch of popular kids with their cell phones in death rigged coffins to host a livestreamin’ game of life or death one girly’s gotta beat to save everyone. This Australian flick has a lot goin’ for it regardin’ its cinematography and actors, but the story leaves a lot to be desired with a fairly flat villain carryin’ out a somewhat underdeveloped Jigsaw plot that generates as much tension as unexpectedly steppin’ in a mud hole. At least the killer haS a memorable avatar to taunt his victims with, and there’s at least one to two gruesome deaths. Human bonfires, stabbin’s, assembly line sawin’, computer hackin’, close call drownin’s, dead ringer burials, garbage truck death traps, and near electrocutions! 3/5!
THE 6TH FRIEND (2016)
A gaggle of girlfriends somehow dodge a murder charge after stabbin’ a supposed rapist to death while trippin’ on some reality alterin’ drugs and reunite years later at a cabin in the woods for girls’ night which is slowly ruined by a mysterious party crasher who resembles the fella they murdered. This flick looks nice and has an ensemble with potential, but there’s crucial story details lost in an effort to be steadily revealin’, characters with confusin’ reactions regardin’ their tragic backstory, run on dialogue that fails to progress the movie, and the filmmakers drag their feet when it comes to the escalation of danger. The worst sour is stickin’ the best actress of the bunch, Jessica Morris, in the background most the time. Trippin’ balls-o-vision, stabbin’, sabotaged cars, weaponized iron skillets, throat slittin’, eye gougin’, lessons in how to use the word “bitches” and how not to stage a suicide! 2/5!
THE 7 (2006)
A gang of failin’ misfits are taken cavin’ on an unofficial field trip to pass their geology class, but the caves soon become these spelunkers’ graves when a winged chupacabra hunts them for food. This ain’t no high dollar epic like The Descent or The Cave, but this flick holds its own with a nice mix of dynamic characters, pacin’ that keeps ya hooked, and well executed monster that’s only goofy for a second or two. Goats slaughtered off screen, fatal trips, rattle snake bites to the face, deaths by chupacabra, accidental ass tranqin’, back gashin’, narrow tunnel crawlin’, elbow deep shit crawls, and bats galore! 4/5!
10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (2016)
John Goodman plays the scary villain we always knew he could be, and keeps us on the edge of our seats as a doomsday nut forcing strangers to stay safe in his underground bunker from alien invasion. I think the biggest crime was tying the movie to Cloverfield which distracts the viewer from getting into the suspense of Goodman being crazy or not, because you’re just waiting for giant aliens to show up the whole time. Which they do — in the last 10 minutes! Would have been a more effective ending if we weren’t expecting it, but we at least get to see horror’s fastest thinking last girl take the aliens head on like a PMS fueled firecracker, continuing the new breed of final girl as seen in You’re Next. 3/5!
12 DEATHS OF CHRISTMAS aka MOTHER KRAMPUS (2017)
Don’t let the title fool ya, ’cause this ain’t really a Krampus flick but a movie ’bout one of his Eastern Europe associates, Frau Perchta the Christmas Witch. The children of a small town are disappearin’, and their panicked parents think it’s the fulfillment of a decades ol’ curse cast by a witch they lynched for supposedly killin’ their young’ns. With only a handful of families left hidin’ from Perchta’s punishment Christmas Eve night, the supernatural assassin of the naughty moves fast to round up the remainin’ rugrats and slaughter their folks for their sins. Despite Perchta bein’ falsely advertised as Krampus, she still proves herself worthy of spreadin’ holiday fear in her own feature. The actin’s decent, there’s some creative kills, and the musical score is waaay too good for this feature with unnervin’ drones and creepy renditions of Christmas tunes. The biggest flaws I gotta bitch ’bout mainly regard the script with characters repeatin’ the same backstory over and over again, a convoluted plot that can stand to cut or combine certain details, and loose ends with the fate of the captured brats that somehow plays into the bigger picture of keepin’ the last young’n safe. Disembowelments, innards stuffed with yard waste and Christmas lights, heart rippin’, human Christmas décor, axes in the head, burnin’ facials, strangers with candy, stabbin’s, turkey cosplay feasts, flesh cookies, mouths sewn shut, Candyman nods, blood lickin’, satanic inductions, family drama out the ass, and boyfriends literally eatin’ their girlfriends! 3/5!
13 CAMERAS (2015)
Gerald, a perverted slumlord, spies on his latest tenants with what I’m sure is more than 13 cameras and grabs a front row seat to their unfoldin’ marital affairs he’s eventually compelled to intervene in. More Ruin My Lifetime than horror, the tenants’ baby mama drama is the drivin’ force behind this flick’s story and character development, leavin’ very little room at the end for any actual horror anyone’s aware of. Still a solid watch with convincin’ actors and an unforgettable villain who resembles Michael Keaton turnin’ into a turtle. Boobs in the shower, prego last girls, burger diets, kidnappin’s, poop buckets down the sink ‘stead of the toilet, secret basement dungeons no one realistically investigates, drownin’s, head-bashin’s, toothbrush fetishes, and a family dog the killer happily befriends without any intention to harm him! 3/5!
14 CAMERAS (2018)
Gerald, the mouth-breathin’ Big Brother of landlord horror, is at it again with what I’m absolutely sure is more than 14 cameras, and he’s jugglin’ daily care for his captive women while livestreamin’ teenage girls from one of his vacation rentals to problematic dark webbers . One of ’em rare cases when the sequel is better than the original, 14 Cameras successfully builds tension from beginnin’ to end with consistent horror, expands the series’ cinematic universe with a more comprehensive look at Gerald’s illegal operations, continues storylines from the original, and keeps me on my toes with some unexpected twists. Kidnappin’s, head-bashin’s, vans full of gagged women, panty raids, toothbrush fetishes, fast food diets, turncoat young’ns, underground bunkers, hit-and-runs, sponge baths without boobs, home invasions, shotgun executions, dark web dealin’s, and awkward delivery men! 4/5!
13 SOULS (2019)
A supernatural killer named Black Lung is out to kill 13 folks in a small town for some convoluted curse of a reason or ‘nother, but everyone’s too distracted by a bearded she-dwarf tryin’ to warn them with comical communication rangin’ from wackin’ a shovel to literally holdin’ “You’re in Danger” signs like a Loony Tunes character. Luckily, a bartendin’ hottie in an eyepatch, a weathered drunk, and a blubberin’ cop get their act together at the last possible second to take the CGI effects fight to the killer. The cinematic duo of the one-eyed blonde and drunk is good, and there’s some great lightin’, but everythin’ else in this two hour tolerance test leaves a lot to be desired. There’s a truckload of high school level dialogue, multiple characters’ expositions bunched together in marathon scenes, repetitive moments of a character’s loss when one was plenty, a bunch of unnecessary character introductions and montages, and a laughable lack of attention put into Black Lung who’s just a shamblin’ joke of a character in a confusingly clean uniform I think is tryin’ to make up for the filmmakers’ lack of budget for a full monster costume. Pretzel cat deaths, pick axes to the head and chest, eyeballs in popcorn, decapitations, bad wigs, nightmare sequences, severed arms, crucifixions, attempted rape in a public street, Candyland prison visits, mouths stuffed with coal, stanglin’, CGI chainsaws through headbangin’ soccer moms, monstrous matchsticks, flamin’ arrows, and actors who defy sex and age labels! 2/5!
THE 16TH EPISODE aka LITTLE HORROR MOVIE (2018)
Globe-trottin’ YouTubers land in Casablanca for their next travel vid and get ridiculously caught up in their crone of a landlord’s convoluted plot to have ’em possessed and sacrificed to extend her son’s demonically possessed life in a disappointments room. This movie looks great and has a few actors who really light up the screen, but putrid polecats, its story is just a shambled mess of over complicated twists, ambiguous relationships, and squirrely hem hawin’ ‘tween bein’ a comedy or a horror and whether or not it wants to be found footage or not. Expect to be confused and laughin’ at every characters’ whackadoo reaction from acceptin’ public rage rants ‘gainst mamas as normal to bein’ cool with passengers chokin’ ’em while drivin’. Satanic cults terribly disguised as weddin’s, demonic possessions, ceilin’ crawlin’, road rage, leg cuttin’, distorted voices, live burials, impaled faces, possessed rape, dingalings, head to toe blood baths, and demonic rituals! 2/5!
21 DAYS (2014)
An annoyin’ gang of yahoos claimin’ to be ghost hunters shut themselves in a house that’s supposedly been cursed by Native Americans and try breakin’ the all time record for how long occupants can stand livin’ there ‘fore spooks send ’em runnin’ for the hills. This ain’t the worst found footage flick I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty far from entertain’ with all ’round bad actin’, non-existent tension, poor escalation of danger, and the constant use of an annoyin’ sound effect from their EMF devices that forces me to mute most the movie. Slammin’ doors, self-rockin’ chairs, spooky balls, ghostly lynch mobs, horrible interviewin’ skills, supernatural vandalism, ghost young’ns, and invisible forces tossin’ spectral investigators! 2/5!
28 WEEKS LATER (2007)
Great Britain is rebuildin’ itself after eradicatin’ the Rage virus, but one overlooked sicko is all it takes to turn society back into full sprintin’ spazes needin’ anger management. With the city on full lockdown, a US sniper must help a scientist escape the mass execution with a young’n whose blood could be the key to a cure. An epic step above the scope of 28 Days Later, this is a tough mother of a zombie-ish flick with stellar shots and edits, fast pace action, thought provokin’ moralities, and awesome dialogue. Only sour I’ve got to bitch ’bout are the rules for how alive or undead the infected exactly are with some droppin’ from blows to the chest, and others still fightin’ with barely any chest! Human matchsticks, blood explosions galore, eye gougin’, blood vomitin’, downtown chaos, pizza boy corpses, spaz attacks, sniper action, subway chaos, parkin’ garage chaos, bitin’ necks out, poisonous gas attacks, and helicopters versus zombie herds! 4/5!
30 MILES FROM NOWHERE (2018)
In this borderline horror, a gang of college friends reunite for a funeral, and their past sins ‘gainst the corpse of the hour comes back to bite ’em in the ass as alotta unexplainable scares clue ’em in this is someone’s elaborate idea for revenge. Spoilers ahead, Scream Freaks! This flick looks great and boasts a nice ensemble of talent, but when it’s revealed these folks are duped guinea pigs for an experiment in weaponizin’ fear, the dots just don’t connect. Either the scientists responsible are too nuts to run a sensible test with a clear ‘nough goals for me to follow, or the filmmakers missed some crucial details in explainin’ why there’s blood pumpin’ plumbin’ and vanishin’ roaches, and how any of that’s supposed to scare people into bein’ fearless soldiers on the battlefield. And the twist endin’ – tarnations! I dunno if that alibi would really fly in court for the mastermind behind this mess, but kudos to the filmmakers for tryin’ to be clever. Gun slingin’, pile of chopped up dogs, doggie roadkill, rat on rat meals, crawlspace maulin’s, oddly staged suicides, pointless mentions of tainted well water I thought would play a bigger later, beds full of roaches, bloody showers no one notices, middle aged horn dogs, kidnappin’, and blood spewin’ sinks! 2/5!
31 (2016)
It’s horror meets The Running Man with a little Hunger Games peppered in as a small group of 1970s carnies are kidnapped and dropped into a gladiatorial Halloween game where they must survive 12 hours against various costumed killers in an abandoned compound. I like most of Rob Zombie’s movies, but I feel this film’s script falls short regarding the victims. There isn’t enough time spent connecting with the carnies, very little (if any) character development, and it all results in us not giving 2 shits about who lives or dies, robbing the movie of its tension. Could have stood some more creative kills as well with crazier weapons. Puppet shows, powdered drag, Nazi clown midgets, chainsaw welding clowns, accidental cannibalism, traps, blow-up doll outfits, sex and death tag teams, number 2 sound effects, interrupted sex romps, bats vs pipes vs chainsaws vs switchblades vs bed posts, and women sawed in half! 3/5!
1313: GIANT KILLER BEES! (2011)
A bunch of Abercrombie & Fitch model wannabes pretend to be scientists savin’ the honey bee from extinction in some fat cat’s mansion, but somethin’ mutates their lab specimens into CG bees of unusual size that make these hard bodies lumber ’round in their tighty-whities when stung. More filler than story, this excuse of a homo-erotic horror obliterates my tolerance with buckets of pissin’ time recyclin’ the same footage of half-naked guys showerin’ and nappin’ on loops lastin’ anywhere from 5-10 minutes while ridiculously melodramatic music blasts in the background to keep me awake. Only thin’ more frustratin’ than watchin’ a fella endlessly walk historic attractions like he’s lost is the filmmakers’ refusin’ to fully act on the sexual theme they set up for dirty minded gals and gays to enjoy, resultin’ in a lotta awkward scenes. Best of these is when one underwear model supposedly sleeps with a gal, just to wake-up with her fully clothed under the bed covers next to him! 2/5!
TWO THOUSAND MANIACS (1964)
It’s the 100th anniversary of a Georgia town being slaughtered by Union soldiers, and the good ol’ southern folk rise from their graves to celebrate with a festival of torturing and killing Yankees passing through their cursed community. Highly recognized as a classic, this flick has a fairly solid story, but the perplexing cinematography and poor sound quality with periodic run-on scenes is what truly makes it an experience hard to forget. Rope belts, gapped teeth, bolos, cats in nooses, straw hats, the most Rebel flags ever captured on celluloid, victims covered in red paint, torn limbs, human barbeques, quicksand, and an important lesson in how it’s better to offend and live than humor and die! 3/5!
2001 MANIACS: FIELD OF SCREAMS (2010)
The Confederate cannibal ghosts are back and load up on a bus to hunt Yankees in Iowa who were already traveling to the South. Lot of good ideas, but every line was dubbed through a coffee can, the editor was working with his elbows, and the story’s flow and escalation of danger was all over the place. Lot of potential but not as high production as the version with Robert Englund. Still worth a look though. 2/5!
2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK (1983)
If Mad Max and Snake Plissken had a love child, it would be Parsifal, the post-nuke bad-ass enlisted by the new Federation to smuggle the world’s last fertile woman out of the irradiated ruins of New York where mutants and a warrin’ faction rule with no mercy. This sci-fightin’ spaghetti flick borrows a page from nearly every nuclear warrior movie I’ve ever seen, but it brings it all together in such a crazy way, it creates its own mutant breed of dystopian lore comparable to a heavy metal fairy tale. Strongly recommend checkin’ this underrated adventure out! Demolition derbies to the death, robot clowns, cyborg traitors, deadly yo-yos, theatrical neanderthals, cryonic baby makers, getaway battle wagons, laughable dwarf suicides, laser fights, slave girls, torture chambers, rat lynch mobs, underdwellin’ mutants, toasty squatters, eye gougin’, techno peepers, desert brawls, and euthanasia! 4/5!
2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS (1983)
In an apocalyptic future where folks struggle to put the world back together, a nomadic gang of heroic Rangers make it their mission to avenge the death of a former brother-in-arms whose town has been overtaken by a neo-Nazi and his army of sci-fightin’ foot soldiers and dirt bikers. An interestin’ Texan take on The Road Warrior, this futuristic spaghetti western packs alotta unexpected twists and turns like the use of force fields and even manages to make me laugh a time or two such as when one Ranger tries hydratin’ his tortured buddy with water he didn’t know someone pissed in. Lotta bad-asses blowin’ through one action sequence after ‘nother, this ain’t high art, but it sure as hell is entertainin’! Russian roulette cheatin’, flesh bettin’, molestin’, rapin’, throat slittin’ suicides, explosions galore, settlement invadin’, knife throwin’ to the eye, enslavin’, salt mine escapes, salt shovelin’ torture, titty flashin’ attire, gunfire executions, and Native American attacks! 3/5!
8989 REDSTONE (2016)
A father with turrets and his eye candy daughter are hosts of a house flipping cable show that’s in jeopardy when they fix up a haunted house in Detroit that puts them way behind schedule with falling mirrors and touchy wiring. A great idea for a movie, this was sadly cheated out of greatness by a lack of escalating danger, clear understanding of the overall threat, good actors given shit dialogue, and poor editing decisions (such as when to watch the movie as the fictional TV show vs the making of the TV show). Underhanded vandalism, mysterious doors, an unforgettable Buddhist, air horn corrections, a carpenter named Jesus, moldy bread keepsakes, nosebleeds, one of the most confusing endings I doubt even the filmmakers understand, and the freakiest 5 seconds of a mutilated freak that’ll leave you speechless. 2/5!
Screaming Soup! 